firstsgtmike
07-21-03, 08:55 PM
The following is a collection of items I pasted to my notepad. To receive maximum benefits, may I suggest you "save" it until you are off-line to spend some time enoying it. Speedreaders, like speeders miss too much on the highway of life. Several items here are worth investing the time to think about.
--------------------------------
Isn't it frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions?
------------------
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
--------------------
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
---------------------
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
---------------
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
----------------
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
------------
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
---------------------
How do you know when you're in the middle of nowhere?
-----------------
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
----------------
My wife said; "We have a car problem. I think there's water in the carborator." I thought, "Dumb broad", but I said, "Let me check, where did you leave it?" She said, "In the river."
------------
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
-------------
99 percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.
----------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
------------------------
I just got some more email saying I should be bigger and better in bed. I can certainly understand wanting me to be better, but bigger? I'm already 260 lbs. How much bigger am I supposed to be?
--------------
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
----------------
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
---------------
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
---------------
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
--------------
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,... all on different limbs,... at different levels,... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *******s.
---------------
Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it.
------------------
If you are too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
------------------
God Only Takes The Best
God saw she was getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around her,
and whispered, "Come with me."
With tearful eyes He watched her suffer
and saw her fade away.
Although we loved her dearly,
We could not make her stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.
God knows you had to leave us,
But you did not go alone~~
For part of us went with you,
The day He took you home.
To some you are forgotten,
To others just the past.
But to us who loved and lost you,
Your memory will always last.
-------------------------
George Washington was the only President who didn't blame the previous Administration for all of his troubles.
----------------------
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
------------------
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
----------------
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
--------------
Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.
----------------
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
-----------------------
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
---------------
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
-----------------
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
---------------------
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a **** whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
--------------------
What constitutes an American? Not color nor race nor religion. Not the pedigree of his family nor the place of his birth. Not the coincidence of his citizenship. An American is one who loves justice and believes in the dignity of man. An American is one who will fight for his freedom and that of his neighbor. An American is one who will sacrifice property, ease, and security in order that he and his children may retain the rights of all free men. ~Harold Ickes in his "I Am an American" speech
-------------------
The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.
----------------
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques, the rest were college students.
----------------
During a friendly argument, my wife asked me why I married her in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When she said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," she said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
-----------------------
Four Question Quiz.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
-------------
It always amazes me. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
-----------
Honor is self-esteem made visible in action.
-----------------
Integrity is how you act when no one is watching.
------------------
The price of freedom is written on The Wall.
---------------------
Did you know that they didn't sleep together before they married? Jill: Wow! That's unusual these days. Mary: Well, he wanted to, but the line was too long.
-----------------
I don't think, therefore I am not.
------------
When a court goes into recess, do they have milk and cookies and go outside to play?
--------------------
Which came first, the liar or the politician?
------------------------
If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved?
----------------
--------------------------------
Isn't it frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions?
------------------
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
--------------------
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
---------------------
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
---------------
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
----------------
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
------------
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
---------------------
How do you know when you're in the middle of nowhere?
-----------------
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
----------------
My wife said; "We have a car problem. I think there's water in the carborator." I thought, "Dumb broad", but I said, "Let me check, where did you leave it?" She said, "In the river."
------------
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
-------------
99 percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.
----------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
------------------------
I just got some more email saying I should be bigger and better in bed. I can certainly understand wanting me to be better, but bigger? I'm already 260 lbs. How much bigger am I supposed to be?
--------------
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.
----------------
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
---------------
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
---------------
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
--------------
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,... all on different limbs,... at different levels,... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *******s.
---------------
Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it.
------------------
If you are too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
------------------
God Only Takes The Best
God saw she was getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around her,
and whispered, "Come with me."
With tearful eyes He watched her suffer
and saw her fade away.
Although we loved her dearly,
We could not make her stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.
God knows you had to leave us,
But you did not go alone~~
For part of us went with you,
The day He took you home.
To some you are forgotten,
To others just the past.
But to us who loved and lost you,
Your memory will always last.
-------------------------
George Washington was the only President who didn't blame the previous Administration for all of his troubles.
----------------------
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
------------------
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
----------------
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
--------------
Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.
----------------
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
-----------------------
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
---------------
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
-----------------
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
---------------------
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a **** whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
--------------------
What constitutes an American? Not color nor race nor religion. Not the pedigree of his family nor the place of his birth. Not the coincidence of his citizenship. An American is one who loves justice and believes in the dignity of man. An American is one who will fight for his freedom and that of his neighbor. An American is one who will sacrifice property, ease, and security in order that he and his children may retain the rights of all free men. ~Harold Ickes in his "I Am an American" speech
-------------------
The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.
----------------
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques, the rest were college students.
----------------
During a friendly argument, my wife asked me why I married her in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When she said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," she said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
-----------------------
Four Question Quiz.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
-------------
It always amazes me. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
-----------
Honor is self-esteem made visible in action.
-----------------
Integrity is how you act when no one is watching.
------------------
The price of freedom is written on The Wall.
---------------------
Did you know that they didn't sleep together before they married? Jill: Wow! That's unusual these days. Mary: Well, he wanted to, but the line was too long.
-----------------
I don't think, therefore I am not.
------------
When a court goes into recess, do they have milk and cookies and go outside to play?
--------------------
Which came first, the liar or the politician?
------------------------
If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved?
----------------