firstsgtmike
07-16-03, 07:51 AM
Please note ... these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We
refuse to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married
is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are
stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an
answer you do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
1. Passing gas is a normal and necessary bodily function. It will no
way create a requirement to leave the room.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work.
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing tight low-cut tops lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
1. More women should wear tight low-cut tops. We like staring at
boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We
refuse to answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married
is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are
stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an
answer you do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of
it that way.
1. Passing gas is a normal and necessary bodily function. It will no
way create a requirement to leave the room.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work.
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing tight low-cut tops lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
1. More women should wear tight low-cut tops. We like staring at
boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?