To My Vietnam Vet-- You,Me & PTSD

[thedrifter]

To My Vietnam Vet-- You,Me & PTSD


Some days are good. Some are bad. I never know from one day to the next what to expect from you. I sometimes don't know from minute to minute how you will react to even the most mundane daily happenings. Your moods change from minute to minute and I have to make split second judgments on what I should say or do. It's like walking on eggshells every minute of my life. Even the most innocent of remarks can send you off into one of your rages. The stress is sometimes more than I can bear.
Today is a bad day. They seem to come along just when things are going pretty good, or at least seem to be. I know that the anger isn't my fault and that I did not cause it but I must bear the brunt of it until this current crisis passes. I am between you and the children. I am between you and society. I am between you and the world. But each time I am put in that position, I get a little weaker. I get a little closer to falling off the edge. I die a little more inside.

I love you. I know that deep down inside, no matter what is going on, you love me too. I know that these terrible times are caused by memories too painful for you to really remember but too traumatic for you to forget. Sometimes, at night, I watch you. I see you toss and turn, I hear you talking to those whose final moments you witnessed and can never forget. I watch you in your communion with your ghosts from Vietnam. I hear you cry and wish that the tears would wash your memories away. Although you aren't aware of me, I am there beside you through your most terrible nightmares. Each time I hear you cry out in anguish, its like I'm being stabbed through the heart. I cry with you sometimes and you don't even know. Night after night I go with you back in time, to another place, when you were young and afraid. But I cannot let you know that I'm there.

When the nightmare gets too bad, and you wake up screaming, I pretend to be sleeping. But I still watch as you get up, light your cigarette and begin your nightly patrol. I see you checking behind the doors for unseen enemies. I see you check the windows. I listen to you go through the entire house as if some deadly adversary lurked in every shadow. I lay quietly, feigning sleep, praying that you will know who I am when you return to bed. I hold my breath as you reenter the bedroom, wondering if tonight is the night you will think I am the enemy and if indeed you will try to kill me. Some nights you stand over me, staring down at me as if you don't know me. Those are the nights that I fear the most. I feel your presence and your eyes on me. That's when I pray. It always feels like those moments may be my last. But I'll die loving you.

I wish there was some magic cure for the disease called Vietnam. I wish the past could be buried and forgotten. But I know that it can't be. I know that I will fight this war until death claims one of us. Sometimes it actually occurs to me that death will be our only release from this nightly hell we both go through ..... seperately yet together.

Days are just as bad, the nightmares become the flashbacks. There's nothing I can say or do to make you forget. All I can hope for is that you will someday be able to cope with all of the memories. But it scares me that you sometimes see our world through younger eyes. Those eyes don't see the same world as I do. The world seen through them is far away....through time and distance. The people in that world are trying to kill you and I know you will try to kill them first. But what if it is one of the children that you are seeing as the enemy? Would I have the power to stop you?

I always know I am in for a particularly bad time when you start drinking. If you would only stop after a few beers, it might not be so bad. But you never do. It seems that when the alcohol hits you, the ghosts all come out of their hiding places to haunt you even if it isn't night. I cannot even begin to count the holes in the walls and doors that have been patched over the years. I've probably gone through a dozen sets of glassware, not to mention the good crystal and china set that were left to me by my mother. Every pane of glass in the house has been replaced at least once after you have either punched it or thrown something through it. It's a joke having a waterbed, really. I must have been crazy buying it. It has more patches on it than a patchwork quilt. But the broken things can be repaired. Its the shredding of my soul that cannot be fixed. And every experience tears it up just a little bit more.

Why do I stay with you? Because I know that you are a good man inside. I know that the man I fell in love with is in that body and most of the time that's the one I see. I know that you cannot help what this terrible affliction called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does to you. I know it isn't me that you're mad at, it's just that I'm available for you to vent your anger and frustrations on . And I pray that someday the effects of Vietnam will fade away although I know it just won't happen. I must have hope or I couldn't bear it. I love you and would want you to stay by me if some horrible affliction affected me. I married you for better or for worse. Even if it seems that there are more worse times, I get through it by remembering the good times. I am lucky enough to have friends who are going through the same thing with their Vietnam vets and are always there to give me the strength and support I need during the periods of crisis that come. God helps me, too.

I know that it hurts you when you face all the things that are out of control in your life, especially those times when you lash out at me, both physically as well as verbally. I know that you wish you could be different. Just know, sweetheart, that I will stand by you through everything, good or bad, and we can never give up. We are still fighting wars.......yours was in Vietnam and mine is the Vietnam left in you. We will not surrender. We will fight for the rest of our lives, if necessary, but we will survive this TOGETHER. In the end, we will be the victors.

I will be your rock when things are shaky. I will be your listening ear when you need to talk. I will be your strength when you are weak. I will hold you close when you need comfort. I will be your friend when you have no one to turn to. I will be your DMZ when the pressure is too great. I will be your commander when you need direction. I will be your pointman when we face life's highways. I will be your medic when your pain is too great to bear.

But, remember, my unsung hero, I will be your wife throughout it all.

Written by Tina Thomas

Wife of a Vietnam combat vet

©Tina Thomas-1994



Where to find help for PTSD

http://www.va.gov/

http://www.vietvet.org/vetorgs.htm


Sempers,

Roger
:marine:

[firstsgtmike]

There is no comment anyone could make on this to do it justice.

Any attempt would be sacrilege!

[crew]

cried my eyes out.....

[MillRatUSMC]

Those that suffer alone, have it harder than those that went through the hell known to some as the Vietnam War.

One of several poems that I wrote;
WHO SPEAKS FOR THE DEAD?

I see a "Wall" of Names
Where images are reflected.
Of those that went to their "FATE".
In place of many that had excuses from thier fate.
Who speaks for the "DEAD" at this late date?
No one, as most want to forgive and forget.
I'm sorry,I just can't do that just yet.

That poem was placed on the Vietnam Memorial.
In honor of many that died in Vietnam.
Doing their duty to God, Country and their beloved Corps

Everyday, a thought creeps into the mind of a time so long ago.
When we were so young.
Just like the other day, when they were showing "In Harms Way", starring John Wayne, Patrica Neal and Kirk Douglas, Henry Fonda and many more.
It was filmed in K-Bay and Bellow Air Force Base in Hawaii, in 1964.
Part of Bravo C 3rd Recon took part in the filming.
I year later some would be dead from Bravo Co 3rd Recon.
That thought came to me when I was watching it.
We just past a holiday, that brings back many memories.
The loud sounds and the smell of cordite, the night a young L/Cpl,
2nd Plt Golf Co 2nd Bn 1st Marines died while we were going to a village by the river.
I was "bird Dogging" that patrol.
After the booby trap went off, I rushed to the place where the Corpsman was treating that young Marine.
I called the pointman and radioman back.
Asking in relationship to where we were going.
Where are we?
The pointman answered we just short of our designated ambush site.
I than called for a medivac.
About 13-15 minutes, a chopter was there and they took that young Marine.
The Corpsman, told me that he thought , he wasn't going to make it.
When the chopter was on the deck, we were taking incoming.
After it left, I called for arty, the Captain told me that it was out of area of responsibility and he couldn't shoot.
But he also said "Do whatever you have to do, to supress that fire.
I shot our machine gun and everything else available.
We than leap-frog back.
Till we dis-engaged.
That left to my having my 6 chewed by my CO.
There isn't many that would understand, why that is always in our mind.

"The Vietnamese knew that our bodies were leaving, but our minds would always be back in place in time know to some as the Vietnam War".

Semper Fidelis
Ricardo

[crew]

Thank you for serving..........Semper Fi

[thedrifter]

Subject: Rating PTSD & PSYCHIATRIC CONDITIONS


The below info comes from M21-1 - Adjudication Procedures VA manual

http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/M21_1.html

CHAPTER 11. RATING SPECIFIC DISABILITIES

http://www.warms.vba.va.gov/admin21/m21_1/part6/ch11.doc


11.36 PSYCHIATRIC CONDITIONS

a. Reductions. Do not make drastic reductions in evaluations in ratings
for psychiatric conditions if a reduction to an intermediate rate is more in
agreement with the degree of disability. See also 38 CFR 3.344. The
general policy to be observed is a gradual reduction in evaluation to afford
the veteran all possible opportunities of adjustment.

b. Attempted Suicide. A finding of "mental unsoundness" under the
provisions of 38 CFR 3.302, in the absence of any underlying psychiatric
disability subject to service connection, does not in itself constitute a
service-connectable disability. See Elkins v. Derwinski, 8 Vet. App. 391
(1995).

11.37 POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

Service connection for PTSD requires medical evidence establishing a clear
diagnosis of the condition, credible supporting evidence that the claimed
in-service stressor actually occurred, and a link, established by medical
evidence, between current symptomatology and the claimed in-service stressor
(38 CFR 3.304(f)). The issue of service connection for PTSD is the sole
responsibility of the rating specialist at the local level. Central Office
opinion or guidance may be requested on complex cases.

a. Stressors. In making a decision, exercise fair, impartial, and
reasonable judgment in determining whether a specific case of PTSD is
service connected. Some relevant considerations are:

(1) PTSD does not need to have its onset during combat. For example,
vehicular or airplane crashes, large fires, flood, earthquakes, and other
disasters would evoke significant distress in most involved persons. The
trauma may be experienced alone (rape or assault) or in the company of
groups of people (military combat).

(2) A stressor is not to be limited to just one single episode. A group
of experiences also may affect an individual, leading to a diagnosis of
PTSD. In some circumstances, for example, assignment to a grave
registration unit, burn care unit, or liberation of internment camps could
have a cumulative effect of powerful, distressing experiences essential to a
diagnosis of PTSD.

(3) PTSD can be caused by events which occur before, during or after
service. The relationship between stressors during military service and
current problems/symptoms will govern the question of service connection.
Symptoms must have a clear relationship to the military stressor as
described in
the medical reports.

(4) PTSD can occur hours, months, or years after a military stressor.
Despite this long latent
11-XI-1

M21-1, Part VI November 8, 2002
ERRATUM
Change 93

period, service-connected PTSD may be recognizable by a relevant association
between the stressor and the current presentation of symptoms. This
association between stressor and symptoms must be specifically addressed in
the VA examination report and to a practical extent supported by
documentation.

(5) Every decision involving the issue of service connection for PTSD
alleged to have occurred as a result of combat must include a factual
determination as to whether or not the veteran was engaged in combat,
including the reasons or bases for that finding. (See Gaines v. West, 11
Vet. App. 113 (1998).)

b. Evidence of Stressors in Service

(1) Conclusive Evidence. Any evidence available from the service
department indicating that the veteran served in the area in which the
stressful event is alleged to have occurred and any evidence supporting the
description of the event are to be made part of the record. Corroborating
evidence of a stressor is not restricted to service records, but may be
obtained from other sources (see Doran v. Brown, 6 Vet. App. 283 (1994)).
If the claimed stressor is related to combat, in the absence of information
to the contrary, receipt of any of the following individual decorations will
be considered evidence that the veteran engaged in combat:

Air Force Cross
Air Medal with "V" Device
Army Commendation Medal with "V" Device
Bronze Star Medal with "V" Device
Combat Action Ribbon
Combat Infantryman Badge
Combat Medical Badge
Distinguished Flying Cross
Distinguished Service Cross
Joint Service Commendation Medal with "V" Device
Medal of Honor
Navy Commendation Medal with "V" Device
Navy Cross
Purple Heart
Silver Star

Other supportive evidence includes, but is not limited to, plane crash, ship
sinking, explosion, rape or assault, duty on a burn ward or in graves
registration unit. POW status which satisfies the requirements of 38 CFR
3.1(y) will also be considered conclusive evidence of an in-service
stressor.

(2) Evidence of Personal Assault. Personal assault is an event of human
design that threatens or inflicts harm. Examples of this are rape, physical
assault, domestic battering, robbery, mugging, and stalking.

(a) Alternative Evidence. If the military record contains no
documentation that a personal assault occurred, alternative evidence might
still establish an in-service stressful incident. Examples of such evidence
include, (but are not limited to):

· Records from law enforcement authorities
· Records from rape crisis centers, hospitals, or physicians
· Pregnancy tests or tests for sexually transmitted diseases, and
· Statements from family members, roommates, fellow service members or
clergy.

11-XI-2

November 8, 2002 M21-1, Part VI
ERRATUM
Change 93

(b) Behavior Changes. Behavior changes that occurred at the time of the
incident may indicate the occurrence of an in-service stressor. Examples of
such changes include (but are not limited to):

· Visits to a medical or counseling clinic or dispensary without a specific
diagnosis or specific ailment
· Sudden requests for a change in occupational series or duty assignment
without other justification
· Increased use or abuse of leave without an apparent reason, such as family
obligations or family illness
· Changes in performance and performance evaluations
· Episodes of depression, panic attacks, or anxiety but no identifiable
reasons for the episodes
· Increased or decreased use of prescription medications
· Increased use of over-the-counter medications
· Substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs
· Increased disregard for military or civilian authority
· Obsessive behavior such as overeating or undereating
· Unexplained economic or social behavior changes, and
· Breakup of a primary relationship.

(c) Development Requirements. Do not deny a post-traumatic stress
disorder claim that is based on in-service personal assault without first
advising the claimant that evidence from sources other than service medical
records, including evidence of behavior changes, may constitute credible
supporting evidence of the stressor. Allow the veteran the opportunity to
furnish this type of evidence or indicate its potential sources.

(d) Interpretation of Secondary Evidence. In personal assault claims,
secondary evidence may need interpretation by a clinician, especially if it
involves behavior changes. Evidence that documents such behavior changes
may require interpretation in relationship to the medical diagnosis or an
opinion by an appropriate medical or mental health professional as to
whether it indicates that a personal assault occurred.

(3) Credible Supporting Evidence. A combat veteran's lay testimony alone
may establish an in-service stressor for purposes of service connecting PTSD
(Cohen v. Brown, 94-661 (U.S. Ct. Vet. App. March 7, 1997)). However, a
noncombat veteran's testimony alone does not qualify as "credible supporting
evidence" of the occurrence of an inservice stressor as required by 38 CFR
3.304(f). After-the-fact psychiatric analyses which infer a traumatic event
are likewise insufficient in this regard (Moreau v. Brown, 9 Vet. App. 389
(1996)).

c. Development

(1) For instructions regarding development of service records, medical
treatment, and evidence of stressor or personal assault, refer to Part III,
subparagraphs 5.14b and 5.14c.

(2) Unless medical evidence adequate for rating purposes is already of
record, request an immediate examination. When requesting an examination,
state in the remarks section of VA Form 21-2507, "Request for Physical
Examination," "Claims folder to be made available to examiner upon request."


continued.....

[thedrifter]

M21-1, Part VI November 8, 2002
ERRATUM
Change 93

d. Incomplete Examinations and/or Reconciliation of Diagnosis. If an
examination is received with the diagnosis of PTSD which does not contain
the above essentials of diagnosis, return the examination as incomplete for
rating purposes, note the deficiencies, and request reexamination.

(1) Examples of an unacceptable diagnosis include not only insufficient
symptomatology, but failure to identify or to adequately describe the
stressor, or failure to consider prior reports demonstrating a mental
disorder which could not support a diagnosis of PTSD. Conflicting diagnoses
of record must be acknowledged and reconciled.

(2) Exercise caution to assure that situational disturbances containing
adjustment reaction of adult life which subside when the situational
disturbance no longer exists, or is withdrawn, and the reactions of those
without neurosis who have "dropped out" and have become alienated are not
built into a diagnosis of PTSD.

e. Link Between In-service Stressor and Diagnosis. Relevant specific
information concerning what happened must be described along with as much
detailed information as the veteran can provide to the examiner regarding
time of the event (year, month, day), geographical location (corps,
province, town or other landmark feature such as a river or mountain), and
the names of others who may have been involved in the incident. The
examining psychiatrist or psychologist should comment on the presence or
absence of other traumatic events and their relevance to the current
symptoms. Service connection for PTSD will not be established either on the
basis of a diagnosis of PTSD unsupported by the type of history and
description or where the examination and supporting material fail to
indicate a link between current symptoms and an in-service stressful
event(s).

f. Review of Evidence

(1) If a VA medical examination fails to establish a diagnosis of PTSD,
the claim will be immediately denied on that basis. If no determination
regarding the existence of a stressor has been made, a discussion of the
alleged stressor need not be included in the rating decision.

(2) If the claimant has failed to provide a minimal description of the
stressor (i.e., no indication of the time or place of a stressful event),
the claim may be denied on that basis. The rating should specify the
previous request for information.

(3) If a VA examination or other medical evidence establishes a valid
diagnosis of PTSD, and development is complete in every respect but for
confirmation of the in-service stressor, request additional evidence from
either the Center for Unit Records Research (CURR) or Marine Corps. (See
Part III, paragraph 5.14.)

(4) Do not send a case to the CURR or Marine Corps unless there is a
confirmed diagnosis of PTSD adequate to establish entitlement to service
connection. Correspondingly, always send an inquiry in instances in which
the only obstacle to service connection is confirmation of an alleged
stressor. A denial solely because of an unconfirmed stressor is improper
unless it has first been reviewed by the CURR or Marine Corps.

(5) If the CURR or the Marine Corps requests a more specific description
of the stressor in question, immediately request the veteran to provide the
necessary information. If the veteran provides a reasonably responsive
reply, forward it to the requesting agency. Failure by the veteran to
respond substantively to the request for information will be grounds to deny
the claim based on unconfirmed stressor. (See Part III, paragraph 5.14.)




-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
"Support Our Soldiers"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
United We Stand
God Bless America
*****
Were it not for the brave,
there would be no Land of the Free!
Remember our POW/MIA's
I'll never forget!


Sempers,

Roger
:marine:

[thedrifter]

Back in 1989, in order to receive disability benefits, the Veterans Administration asked me to write up what I remembered of my Vietnam War experiences. The Veterans Administration later compared my written experiences with my actual unit's combat records. (The time frames are off, but the experiences are accurate as far as what my buddy, George Dros and I remember.)
Recently, I found what I wrote for them. The writing is far from gooder..., and my speeling is carp, but the experiences are there. (It's copyrighted.) It's far from the most traumatic of Vietnam stories, but it is real. Through therapy, I've remembered even more experiences.
I've cleaned up some coffee stains. It will give you a slight idea of what an AVERAGE combat veteran goes through.

The stressors read like a story. It was the only way I could write them. I was hoping that by writing down my stressors would NOT cause me a problem. I was wrong. After writing them I ended up in a hospital for stress. (The guilt was too much for me to carry.)

Jack Cunningham



http://home.earthlink.net/~caproductions/avietnamveteransexperiences/



Sempers,

Roger
:marine:

[thedrifter]

Bringing Back Up.......


Ellie

[reddog4950]

If any bro's need help on how to outwit the VA b/s about PTSD
just E-Mail me and I will explain to you how I got mine without any questions really asked.
Reddog4950

[snipowsky]

Wow Ellie where did you get all that good info on PTSD from? I was also wondering why we don't have a chat room on Leatherneck.com. Or maybe there is a reason we don't. lol Anyways I hope you and your family are doing well. We all miss Roger badly. I know I do!

[Sgt. Smitty]

IF anyone needs a list of recognized conditions of PTSD email me at alsea2homie@yahoo.com

[TMM54]

My prayers to all of my friends that still suffer. I went through years of insanity until I was fortunate enough to be shown how to change what happened to me and eliminate all of the madness from my life. If I can help anyone, please let me know, Semper Fidelis, Tom Murray

[Sgt. Smitty]

The thing that really gripes me about this country is that they don't hesitate to send BOYS off to war and then deny them any compensation for the hell they go through. No one that went to the Nam came back the same whether they were in the bush or in the rear areas. The non-combatants of this country should not have any say as to whether or not veterans are suffering from PTSD. What the hell do they know about combat situations anyway? Even the ones that came home uninjured physically have a lot of "ghosts" that will haunt them the rest of their lives. If they haven't been in a combat situation before then who the hell are they to tell us that we have nothing wrong with us? And you don't even want to get me goin on the Social Security thing!!