LONEEAGLE
07-09-03, 04:26 PM
:( Here of late I have had the distinct privilege of riding my m/c with about 100-150 other's from every thing imaginable in the m/c world, gangs, clubs, individual's. We rodewith the truck, semi carrying the panels of the moving wall, which left Danville Il. to Forsyth Il., 60mph, 50front the rest in the rear. To Springfield Il., hardly any publicity. I had to turn and go by myself to an area to cry....I could feel all those I lost...Doc., and a real good Marine, ERA Vet, Nam, helped me. Then we rode. Delivered the wall to it's new viewing place. Since that time, July 1st, the ghost's have come back. While living in Tx., I was in a wheel chair as my legs didn't work right, agent orange is eating my spine. I seen the moving wall and spent an entire Sat. with all my lost kin, and friends, and sucha great co. cmdr. died, 10 days before going home. Now I'm able to do better and walk better with medication, long story. No I don't get a red cent for it, Thanks To R. Reagan. Another story. I'm total/permenent PTSD. I've been having night sweats again, waking up in the middle of my time in Nam, the worst, and some good. I thought I said my final goodbye's to my friends. Wrong. In my subconscious their ghost is still with me. I've heard them speak to me. I'm part Native American, Cherokee, Shawnee. A cherokee healer who never ever knew me, helped me a long time ago. He told me everything. Indian power is unbelieveable. I can't keep from thinking of all of what happened in Nam. I will not cry. I can't remember what I woke up dreaming. My ERA Nam Vet friend told me, Eagle? It's time for me to help you. Now you would think that not being a Nam in country Vet. Marine would know. He knows. This sat. I'm going to his place. We're going to do some picking (guitar's) (I'm an ex-pro musician, but have shoulder injury from a fall, "LEGS", hard to play) then go to the Springfield VietNam, Korea War Memorial. They also have one in Bloomington Il. at a park where I've visited. There he has friends on the memorial. He said, "We're going to keep coming here until you finally can really say good-bye." He's right. I've been in a play, my story, by a Lady who beat cancer, got PTSD from all the stories, lost her boyfriend in Nam, her Dad a combat pilot, Col. USMC in Nam. in and performed by real Nam Combat Vets, professionally filmed, I have it, and transcript, from Tempe Ariz. Ariz. College auditorium. I have the pamphlet signed by all actor's, because I was to sick to go. I need help in figuring out how to let go. I stay as busy as I can each day, so the memories won't come back. But they haunt me at night. I've had them speak to me. "Bail?" "We're okay, go on." It might sound crazy, but, I ain't lieing. I was always a Mother hen, if you will to anyone under me. And in Nam, I protected my team, Recon, with the best most utmost looking after, and the same with my recruits when I was a DI. I can't help this. I want though to go forward. I've told my story so many times to counsellor's I won't talk about it anymore. I just need someone to help me out, to finally let go of this. Then maybe I can go more forward. I've came a long way, but, no far enuf. Combat promoted, recieced the equivelant to our medal of honor from S. V.N., spent 10yrs in the Corps. Don't regret, don't hold grudges, forgive, forgive, everyone. Jane Fonda? She did wrong, I don't hold a grudge, she has to live with it. I did my job the best I could. I have survivor guilt. Anyone who can help me, please e-mail me. pso_bai6675@earthlink.net I don't care how many, and do what you can, I would be so appreciative. I don't drink anymore, but take enuf meds to kill an elephant. Sober since, Sept 1 1988. On my own. I have to bury them, let them go, and get rid of the ghost. God Bless us all, one nation under God, and Marines as Guards to him, Semper-fi, Big Eagle.