Have you ever been afraid to go to sleep??

[SSgt Ramsey]

I got hit hard today...why, I don't know...I just woke up very anxious for lack of a better word....but all day...images and thoughts have been creeping in...some I remembered clearly...others I think I've "forgotten" them for a while....but it all came back.

One is from a Harrier crash....it was one of the ones that VMAT-203 used for training....something went horribly wrong...either the pilot didn't believe his instruments, or there was a malfunction.... he ejected inverted at about 40 feet from the runway so he hit the ground via the ejection seat....I remember having the crane and TRAM's out there and seeing red bags around the area (body parts).....

I've thought about Africa today too....I don't know why....just keep seeing the child shot over, and over, and over....seeing his head explode....and the "thud" he made when he hit the ground....like a ****ed up DVD that skips....

I don't know why, but I feel that I had some ****ed up dreams last night....I'm seriously afraid to go to sleep now.....when I'm awake, I can kinda defend myself....when I sleep it's like a open playground....

Anybody else...

Incidentally, the VA doesn't seem that these or my diagnosis for PTSD are compensable...

[DocGreek]

SAM....you're suffering from the same symptoms as the rest of us. When my thought's get real bad, I bunker in, and stay awake as long as I can....listening. Can't stop the dreams, and flash-backs, but when I wake up....I'm crying and sweating, like an athlete who lost the race. Shrink gave me Zanax about a year ago, but only made me put on weight! Took 3 weeks to cut down, and OUT of the Zanax!! When I lay down, I fantasize about nasty women, fast cars, and being young....again! In about 5 min., I'm asleep....for about 3-4 hours. Come on the web, drink some DIET soda, smoke a few, and just lie down when I get tired.....WORKS!! Sleep another 2-3 hours, and get up to start breakfast....laughing about what to say in the "Morning Zephyer"!!! Keeping my little peanut brain busy, and my beautiful body active...makes time pass more easily. Getting help from the V.A., is a B!TCH!! Don't quit...keep hammering them! Re-file your claim over, and over, with a shrink's diagnosis (outside Dr.) and get his PROGNOSIS...TOO!! DO NOT HOLD BACK IN A SHRINK'S OFFICE!! Tell him EVERYTHING about you, your exp. in the Corps, and the kind of life you've led. PLEASE DON'T QUIT!!!......DOC

[SSgt Ramsey]

Thanks Doc....I'm a bit shakey and "out of sorts" but I'm still kickin....

I have to go to my support group today, that may help....although the PhD is a joke there...

Some days I'm OK...some days I'm just absolutely off the charts...and I start to question my sanity...like one minute I'm ok, the next I want to rip somebody's throat out....which is why I don't go too far from home....I'm safer here if that makes sense.

I'm not giving up my fight with these dildo's....it's personal now...hopefully some new legislation passes making it easier to receive benefits and re-define PTSD.

[RhodeIsland]

Have you ever been afraid to go to sleep??

Everyday Sam for over 31 years. I'm so tired all the time. PTSD SUCKS!!!
I try and have the best day I can with my Hope and Faith and when I need comfort I log in here to be with my Brothers and Sisters and it makes me feel a little better. This is a Comfort zone for me and some days I do not post because I am haveing a BAD DAY and I don't think correctly and don't want to offened anyone by saying the wrong thing so I just read.
You are not alone here.

Semper Fi My Brother,
Rocky
100% SC P&T PTSD

[Tracylaud83]

Thats why I stopped going to the VA.
Wife wants me to go back. I told my family Dr. and he has put me on prozak, and Ambien.
Still get the shakes from time to time. Damm near wreak the car if a plane comes low overhead, and it comes from behind (toward me, I can prepare). To this day I can tell you how many people are around me in a place (head counts).
I've woken up a few times reaching for a weapon and gas mask, that are not there. When this happens, wife won't come near me, she throws shoes at me to wake me up.
I have always loved lightning storms (still do), but thunder really makes me jump.
Is their an end to this ??
Mine comes from "91, It is now 2009, No end in sight.
I've gone to those meetings, and feel bad when people have real issues, and here I am with my small issues. So I live with it.
Good luck.
if it helps, just remember, you are NOT alone.

[Dave Coup]

DisneyLand after dark gives me the creeps. When fire works that are like illumination go off I want to find a place where I can take cover and still see movement around me. It only lasts a few seconds but still happens ever time I take the girls there. That **** is 40 years old. 20 years ago I'd have gone for cover.
As to the original question.. many times for many years. Hang in there brother and keep seeking help. BTW booze may seem like a good solution.. IT'S NOT! believe me.

[DocGreek]

SSGT....if your "small issues", are affecting your daily life, then they're NOT THAT SMALL!! There's no end to the symptoms, but if you find a good shrink, or counselor...specific help IS available. PTSD treatment, by the V.A., SHOULD follow certain guidelines. In group therapy, you are supposed to start in a 1st timer group, then move up the line two more times, over a period of time, that YOU and your therapist agree on. 90% of your support will come from group members who are just like you. What got me going down this road, was my anger!! I'd go to group, and hear the same old crap, over and over!! DID NOT HOLD BACK!! I let it ALL out, and was finally "heard"!! Group members fell in line, and offered their comfort, and understanding. NOT EASY!! BUT...I didn't give a sh!t, I wanted CONTROL OF MY LIFE...BACK!!! Told the group, therapist, AND my shrink....they could keep their dam money, just fix ME!!! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other....every day...every day...every day...STILL!!! I will not be cured....BUT, I will NOT QUIT, OR GIVE UP!!! We're HERE to listen, and help in any way we can. That's Not B.S., that's just "the way it is"!!!!.....WELCOME HOME, BROTHER!!......SEMPER FI....DOC

[SSgt Ramsey]

Amazingly I'm not a raving alcoholic...I have never been a big drinker, I can count on one hand how many times I've really been hammered...so I'm fortunate in that respect...and I don't do drugs that aren't prescribed...

The worst thing with PTSD is how you're viewed by the VA...to them you're just another crazy ass vet and get treated with indifference at best, fear at worst...

PTSD is bad because you can't see the injury...not all wounds are physical...but every bit as debilitating...some days I'm good...other days I'm a basket case....scary part is I usually have no idea why I'm either...

[Tracylaud83]

I'm not a believer in the VA,
But, DO get help somewhere.....
I have my wife, and my family Dr., and people here who understand.
Like someone else said, I am on here alot just reading.
It helps.

[DocGreek]

PTSD is very, very complicated, there is NO cure, and we CAN NOT overcome the symptoms...by ourselves. The ONLY way to survive, is with the support of family, and our suffering Brother's. NO MED'S WILL MAKE YOU BETTER, OR CHANGE YOUR PAST!!! Learning just who we are...individually...makes US stronger...so that we can fight back, every hour...every day. Are you willing to FIGHT for your SANITY...and your LIFE??? OR...just lie there, and feel sorry for yourself?? FVCK THAT!!! We're NOT PUZZY'S! I am responsible for ALL of my ACTIONS...GOOD, OR BAD!! I may NOT like myself, and the life I've had, BUT...I can not fix my past, I CAN do my best with what I've got, some med's, some group therapy, and visits to my shrink, every couple of months. I...AND YOU...should NOT carry this burden ALONE!!! Let's help each other. My prayers are with EVERYONE of you, suffering. PM me, if you like...I WILL NOT tell you how to live your life!!! I'm always here, and will give ALL of you my best.....DOC

[phillyb24]

I remember about 2 weeks to a month after I got home I had my 1st nightmare. I was scared to go asleep for many months after that. maybe even years. I didn't want to go to sleep and go through that again. Thats's when I found out I could go to sleep if I wa sh*t faced drunk (very very bad idea) then i started taking sleeping pills. then i was so messed up the next day from the booze and pills that I had to take caffeine pills to stay up. then the cycle repeated. i won't go to the VA again b'c of the way i felt there. I've been to several civilian docs and ive come along way. it does help. i still take a pill everynight to sleep but i live an almost normal life. at least it looks normal on the outside. i want to go to VA b'c i think they have more exp dealing with us, i just dont want to have to jumo thru hoops. I wish you could go and say , i don't want ANY money. i just want to be fixed. oh well sorry to hijack your post. best of luck to you

[DocGreek]

PHILLY....got a Vet Center near you?? They're part of the VA system, but manned by combat experienced counselors. You're gonna' have to deceide how badly you want the help. There's NO easy fix! Med's, counseling, and peer group support, will fill 90% of your needs. Other 10%...is up to YOU!! Get some info about PTSD, and see if you fit the diagnosis....available at either Vet Centers, or Mental Health Dept. at VA clinic, or Hosp. BEST OF LUCK!.....DOC

[devildog25]

My brothers, I suffered in silence for many years (since 91') because I was to proud to admit that I had a problem, I began self medicating with alcohol,which in turn led to legal issues and family problems, I finally sought help from my local VA hospital 2 years ago and I must admit that things are not as dark as they once seemed. I still have my bad days,but with the help of meds,therapy and a better understanding of what is wrong with me,I'm doing much better.

[RhodeIsland]

My brothers, I suffered in silence for many years (since 91') because I was to proud to admit that I had a problem, I began self medicating with alcohol,which in turn led to legal issues and family problems, I finally sought help from my local VA hospital 2 years ago and I must admit that things are not as dark as they once seemed. I still have my bad days,but with the help of meds,therapy and a better understanding of what is wrong with me,I'm doing much better.

Semper Fi My Brother.
You will find that many of us here suffered in silence for years because of Denial, Stigma, Guilt, etc, etc,. You are not alone and we are here to help as best we can. One day at a time and One foot in front of the other gets us down the road.
Please continue with your therapy always.
Also, to whoever reads this, Remember, All Wounds are not Suffered on the Battlefield.
If you are in an Emotional Crisis please call 1-800-273-TALK. Press 1 for Veteran 24/7, Department of Veteran Affairs. Prayers going out to you my Brother.
Semper Fi,

Rocky
100% SC P&T PTSD

[phillyb24]

thanks doc. looking on this website made me start looking for help again. I actually found an outreach center ( I think that's whats it's called) that is ran by a Vietnam vet. When I get the balls i'll make an appt, it's kinda like do I really wanna open this all back up? gotta get worse before it can get better i guess.

[phillyb24]

my wife woke up from a bad dream last night and tried to wake me up to console her. well i liked to choke the crap outta her before i realized what was going on. guess she won't be doing that again!!!

[DocGreek]

PHILLY....I got so bad, with my last wife...I had to move into the spare bedroom!! Soaking wet sheets, all wrapped around my beautiful body, and only a couple hours of real sleep. That's when I said...ENOUGH!!! The dam nightmares were getting so bad, drugs wouldn't make them go away.....really sucked. You're right, Outreach Centers have been called Vet Centers, or...Readjustment Counseling Centers. If you need some support, most of us here, can give it freely.....ANYTIME!!! Best to you and family...prayers outbound!!.....DOC

[Riven37]

To this day, I never get a full deep sleep what is called good REM sleep. I sleep what we once called Nam sleep half wake and half a sleep. Anyways, I don't sleep very well at night when I get some sleep its about 2 hours worth of sleep then up for the rest of the day. PTSD is a ***** she always bits you in your sleep.

Here is something you can use...Start marking down on a calendar those nights that give you bad restless sleep, and mark down those when you get far sleep and so on. Work out a color code for yourself within 6 months you will see those bad night patterns then you can associate those bad nights with events that happen to you.

You can't change those events but you can be better prepared when those days creep up on you.


:idea:

[DocGreek]

My LAST Doc, wanted me to go to James Haley VA Hosp. in Tampa, and have a "sleep study" done! Got rid of him!! NOT A CLUE!!! PTSD? WHAT'S THAT???.....DOC

[RhodeIsland]

PTSD, 31 years and 3 sleep studies later. Referal to PTSD CENTER in Colorado???
6 months of non-stop (we think we can help you cope ???), No thank you.
As Hyper-Vigelant as I am. Denver would never be the same nor I........

Rocky

[LA FORCE 0369]

I know what you mean. I was with Bravo Co. 1/8, when we took part of Phantom Fury. We lost alot of OUTSTANDING MARINES! Some of those things that I have seen, and lived would rather be forgotten. I have done it all from having "Flashbacks" while driving w/ my family in the car.... to waking up heart pounding, sweating, and yelling for my Marines. I have been good lately.
The thing that helped that none of us like to do is talk about it. I hope you are doing well brother.:usmc:

[RhodeIsland]

Jeremy,
We are all here for one another.
Please do not Suffer in Silence.
Most of us have and still do but it is not the right way to cope with it.
You are not Alone.
We are here for you!!!
Semper Fi My Brother,
Rocky

[Caesar Augustus]

I did for a long time. The same year I got out of the Corps after getting back from Iraq it wasn't uncommon for me to be up for up to three days at a time. I'd have all the blinds open lights on during the day and couldn't stay sleep. I'd fall asleep and instantly wake up because of some horrible nightmare. Or I'd fall asleep and not be able to wake up and it would be a variation of the many patrols in iraq and other stuff from normal life mixed in with it.

Few months ago I had a dream we were out on patrol along an L shaped road and then one by one we got shot from behind and I was unable to get into the other Marines body to shoot for them after we realized that we weren't taking fire from the front.

This was all after I destroyed my career when I was no longer able to be out with the line Co. I just unraveled and unfortunately didn't get it together in time to save myself

[Pete0331]

I'll jump in here really quick to give my opinions on the PTSD issue.

PTSD is a psychological problem, unlike some of the other psychological issues, individuals can be "talked" into believing they have PTSD.
This is seen with child rape victims.

I have seen guys talked in to believing they have PTSD issues by people to explain their problems.

Many of the symptoms I see in guys who believe themselves to have PTSD, are made up.
They are told all that they should be encountering symptoms to PTSD because of what they saw or did.
That is not always the case.
People react differently to events.
This is where training helps.

I don't doubt that PTSD is an issue that needs to be addressed, but it is being overdiagnosed nowadays.

[DocGreek]

Pete0331...Weapons Platoon? Mortars, 105's, or something special? Any Purple Hearts? Are you a psychology major? Do you have an MSW?

You're entitled to your opinion. Some of us have different opinions, but opinions are like azzholes...everybody has one!....AZZHOLE DOC

[RhodeIsland]

I'll jump in here really quick to give my opinions on the PTSD issue.

PTSD is a psychological problem, unlike some of the other psychological issues, individuals can be "talked" into believing they have PTSD.
This is seen with child rape victims.

I have seen guys talked in to believing they have PTSD issues by people to explain their problems.

Many of the symptoms I see in guys who believe themselves to have PTSD, are made up.
They are told all that they should be encountering symptoms to PTSD because of what they saw or did.
That is not always the case.
People react differently to events.
This is where training helps.

I don't doubt that PTSD is an issue that needs to be addressed, but it is being overdiagnosed nowadays.

WOW!!!
I can't believe you just said that!!!:mad:
I'm gonna be real calm right now so I don't get thrown off this site instead of unleashing hell on your uneducated azz and just say this.
We all agree to disagree on this forum and I disagree!!!
I will pray for your Hardend Heart and Mind and that you may never suffer from this Disease.

Semper Fi,
Rocky
100% SC P&T PTSD
All gave some, some gave all!!!

[RhodeIsland]

It's 0720 hours and I am still thinking about this, this morning. I am going to my VA Clinic appt. in an hour to try and sort out my feelings before I get so upset and delete myself from this forum.
Prayers out to Everyone.
Semper Fi,
Rocky

[RhodeIsland]

Hi Everyone.
I just got back from the Dr. and now it is time for me to leave this Forum :(
In addition to my PTSD, I also have OCD and if I stay I will continue to read and reread and reread a posting on this thread and that is not good for my Mental Health.
I never thought anyone thought that way and I have never thought about that.

I wish you all Good Health and Happiness and I will continue to include you all in my daily Prayers.
Thank you for your Service and Sacrifices.
I will not mention all my Friends here by name but you know how I feel.

Ellie, Thank you for all you do on this Forum!!!
DocGreek, Thank you for the phone number!!!
Ray, good luck to you and your wife and to baby coming soon.

As soon as I can figure out how to delete my pictures and stuff, I will be gone.
This will be my last post.

Semper Fi,
Rocky

[DocGreek]

ROCKY....you're a real friend, to me. Call anytime if you want to share.....gonna' miss you Brother! THAT'S WHY I CHANGED MED'S!! TOO MUCH ANGER!!....my prayers are with you....SEMPER FIDELIS, ROCKY!!....Doc Greek

[thedrifter]

Hi Everyone.
I just got back from the Dr. and now it is time for me to leave this Forum :(
In addition to my PTSD, I also have OCD and if I stay I will continue to read and reread and reread a posting on this thread and that is not good for my Mental Health.
I never thought anyone thought that way and I have never thought about that.

I wish you all Good Health and Happiness and I will continue to include you all in my daily Prayers.
Thank you for your Service and Sacrifices.
I will not mention all my Friends here by name but you know how I feel.

Ellie, Thank you for all you do on this Forum!!!
DocGreek, Thank you for the phone number!!!
Ray, good luck to you and your wife and to baby coming soon.

As soon as I can figure out how to delete my pictures and stuff, I will be gone.
This will be my last post.

Semper Fi,
Rocky


Stay in touch...

You can always drop in just to say Hi....

Ellie

[NoRemorse]

Hi Everyone.
I just got back from the Dr. and now it is time for me to leave this Forum :(
In addition to my PTSD, I also have OCD and if I stay I will continue to read and reread and reread a posting on this thread and that is not good for my Mental Health.
I never thought anyone thought that way and I have never thought about that.

I wish you all Good Health and Happiness and I will continue to include you all in my daily Prayers.
Thank you for your Service and Sacrifices.
I will not mention all my Friends here by name but you know how I feel.

Ellie, Thank you for all you do on this Forum!!!
DocGreek, Thank you for the phone number!!!
Ray, good luck to you and your wife and to baby coming soon.

As soon as I can figure out how to delete my pictures and stuff, I will be gone.
This will be my last post.

Semper Fi,
Rocky

Whoa there bud!!! Need your email address before you leave. I'll glady accept a cell phone too. I'll PM you my info too.

Crap, couldn't send one out. I might have to take a trip up to RI; we'll have coffee out of a brand, new pot; break bread and generally make merry.

Semper Fi my brother.

[Bulkyker]

What works for me is phone calls. I've probably talked to 2 dozen Marines and one crazy old Doc from this website. Just talk about inconsequetial stuff and not try to relive **** I saw and went through. I do act like a jerk sometimes and have made posts I would like to take back. Anyway I'm rambling. Talking to other Marines helps me more than any counselor ever could. To those I have spoken to I would like to thank you for listening.

[PaidinBlood]

I'll jump in here really quick to give my opinions on the PTSD issue.
PTSD is a psychological problem, unlike some of the other psychological issues, individuals can be "talked" into believing they have PTSD.
This is seen with child rape victims.
I have seen guys talked in to believing they have PTSD issues by people to explain their problems.
Many of the symptoms I see in guys who believe themselves to have PTSD, are made up.
They are told all that they should be encountering symptoms to PTSD because of what they saw or did.
That is not always the case.
People react differently to events.
This is where training helps.
I don't doubt that PTSD is an issue that needs to be addressed, but it is being overdiagnosed nowadays.

I hear you on that. I know many didn't like your comment (I also doubt you care :banana:) but I get it because I've seen it too. Rather than be pizzed at you, true sufferers should hate the malingering fvcks and the "experts" who act as enablers, encouraging this...

[DocGreek]

BULKYKER....you have NOTHING to be sorry for!! I value, and respect your opinions...even if you're full of SH!T!! You are a cornerstone of this site, and we ALL are happy to know you....NUMBNUTS!!!! My best to you and family....SEMPER FI....Doc Greek

[Kilo1CC]

Wow PTSD...just a ****ing name on a product they made up if you ask me.

It's damn human of us all to feel guilt, hate, sorrow and anger, which ever comes first as your demon at night before sleep.

For me it's guilt, not a shame to admit it...

I've seen **** and done things only some Marines can understand. And other Marines can only sympathize with me on (as a brother would as you all are).

I'm afraid of sleep, only because the seconds before i dose off, i get weird kicks and mumbles my wife tells me about. Which in all honestly scare me only due to the fact that I can't hardly ever remember anything..

My dreams don't make sense nor can I dream things that are understood when I explain them to others. I'm told this is all but signs of PTSD..normal to me if you asked.


im over and out with this one, starting to ****ing ramble...

[PaidinBlood]

Guilt...not the logical, personal, rational kind for something I specifically failed to do, but the truly possessive type which constantly eats you alive whispering why? I won't pretend to be a casualty, rather I have been blessed beyond words. Just a little baggage which everyone who carries a gun is prone to...

[DocGreek]

CUTE profile pic!! Let's see your ribbons, time in service, and MOS....SONNY!! Making snap judgements about something like PTSD, shows off your youth, and ignorance. Walk a klick in MY shoes, then....you'll have something to make a judgement about. READ some of the other PROFILES here, then see how yours stands up.....SEMPER FI....DOC

[ecfree]

I used to sleep with my Kbar under my pillow,not any more,cause of my wife.The Kbar is not far away from me at night..still get some dreams,not as often as I used to,cold sweats also and flashbacks...it's all part of a Marines life.
I realize many men have it worse then me and I feel their pain.
God Bless you all....SEMPER FI Brothers

[Supersquishy]

ecfree, I used to fly banners out of Conway, S.C. that sh!t Sucked.

[ecfree]

Those banners have been crashing lately..What do ya think...pilot error or bad mantainance ?:cool:

[Supersquishy]

Yea, the business in now caput, they killed 2 pilots in a training flight couple years ago, two of my friends crashed one there and one at the Strand airport(both survived) when I was there a few years ago. I wasn't there for the last two fatalities but my gut instict is pilot error, The mechanic is a friend who saw that sh1t happen.....he quit and is all fvcked up.

[Kilo1CC]

Doc no disrespect, and thank you for your service to our Marines and Country.

But in all honestly I don't need to show ribbons--my service in the Corps on a online profile to proof the type of Marine I am --plus accomplishments i've earned.

I'm not here to question anyone nor to ask for proof, privately i'd be happy to share everything with my brothers.


Over.

[RhodeIsland]

I'm still really angry and upset but I'm trying to work through it.
I have my 1 hour physcotherapy apt. at the VA tomorrow so we shall see.

DocGreek, I haven't called you Bro to check in because when I get like this I stay Isolated and Withdrawn and I just can't collect my thought very well.

I miss all my Friends and I won't mention you by name but you know who you are!!!

I can't beleive I deleted all my Friends and Visitor Messages and Pictures.

PTSD SUCKS!!!
I hate when I get like this!!!

I miss you all and continue to Pray for You, Your Family and Friends.

Semper Fi,
Rocky

[Pete0331]

I hear you on that. I know many didn't like your comment (I also doubt you care :banana:) but I get it because I've seen it too. Rather than be pizzed at you, true sufferers should hate the malingering fvcks and the "experts" who act as enablers, encouraging this...

No worries,
I can go into much more detail but I haven't had the time.

PTSD is one of those "buzz word" medical issues right now.
All people hear about is suicide rates of military on the news and then they ask their senators for actionable results on the issue.
PTSD is going to be the Gulf War Syndrome or Agent Orange of GWOT.

It needs to be adressed but with temperance and not a hasty call to action.
Right now anybody in combat arms who shows remote signs of PTSD is being diagnosed with it.
Most of the smaller cases can be taken care of within the Plt or Company level.

[ecfree]

Welcome back on board Rocky,We're all praying for you brother...:thumbup:
SEMPER FI...:iwo:

[RhodeIsland]

Please bear with me while I get through these Confusing Times.
I Miss You All and You are in my Daily Prayers ALWAYS.

PTSD SUCKS !!!

Semper Fi,

Rocky

[ameriken]

Please bear with me while I get through these Confusing Times.
I Miss You All and You are in my Daily Prayers ALWAYS.

PTSD SUCKS !!!

Semper Fi,

RockyTake your time Rocky, we've all got your back. Great to you see you here again, prayers are coming back your way. Semper Fi :iwo: