wrbones
07-01-03, 06:05 PM
This pretty much sums it up. A great read in my humble opinion....W
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives,
occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A
thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution,
beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern
civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into
its two distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time
to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of
it ordained the invention of agriculture.
After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly,
consigned actual cultivation to women.
Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass
bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick
pretty close to home, and the brewery.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led
to the division of the species, which persists to this day.
Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the
term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the
dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a
big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind
and telling off color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for
the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly,
they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate
schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation
as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on
fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.
Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative,
and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips
to use in distinguishing the two types.
By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people
are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes
allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.
Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it
would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small
cars.
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush
Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable
John Wayne.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman,
Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former
wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer.
Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign
water from a bottle.
Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in
socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks
up the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to
barbecue.
Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it
wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football
players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli
Vanilli are liberals.
Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group
therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers,
and steeplejacks are conservatives.
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure
the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.
Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would
cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to
boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened
than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically decadent, as
evidenced by their complete absence in wars.
Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan
the Barbarian".
Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and
"The Big Chill".
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides
how
much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the
race "fair".
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A
hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the
owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and
asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To
which the cowboy replied, "That sum***** hasn't been born."
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives,
occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A
thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution,
beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern
civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into
its two distinct subgroups.
Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time
to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of
it ordained the invention of agriculture.
After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly,
consigned actual cultivation to women.
Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass
bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick
pretty close to home, and the brewery.
This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led
to the division of the species, which persists to this day.
Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the
term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the
dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a
big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind
and telling off color jokes.
Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for
the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly,
they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate
schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation
as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on
fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.
Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative,
and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips
to use in distinguishing the two types.
By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people
are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes
allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.
Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it
would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small
cars.
Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush
Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable
John Wayne.
Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman,
Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former
wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.
All conservatives drink beer. American beer.
Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign
water from a bottle.
Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in
socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.
Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks
up the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to
barbecue.
Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it
wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.
Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football
players.
James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli
Vanilli are liberals.
Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group
therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers,
and steeplejacks are conservatives.
Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure
the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.
Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would
cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.
Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to
boot.
Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened
than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically decadent, as
evidenced by their complete absence in wars.
Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan
the Barbarian".
Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and
"The Big Chill".
The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides
how
much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the
race "fair".
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A
hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the
owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and
asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To
which the cowboy replied, "That sum***** hasn't been born."