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thedrifter
03-02-09, 07:21 AM
Comedy Corner
Greg Hahn
by Andrew Wantuck
Published February 26, 2009


This week I sat down with a comic that has appeared on Conan O’Brien, Comics Unleashed, and is a regular on Bob & Tom’s radio show. We spoke about how Marines play practical jokes, deficient woman, and how he is unable to sit still. Greg is one of the funniest comics alive today.

Andrew: What is the dumbest thing you have ever done?

Greg: I hate these questions! That would probably have to be wasting a certain amount of time dating the wrong girl. You could answer that question the same way, right? So, dumbest thing in my life. Too many to mention.

Almost impossible to review. Too much data, too much data to review.

Impossible to filter it out, between girlfriends, getting fired from jobs, wearing my hat sideways in the military and getting caught doing that.

Andrew: You got fired? Tell me one of those stories.

Greg: Well, let’s see, one of my first jobs was to clean the meat machine at one of those sausage places in the mall, you know those in the mall where you walk in and you have to duck because all those big pieces of meat are hanging off of the roof?

My buddy and I worked there, and we would talk to each other like the boss, who had a heavy Bavarian accent. I answered the phone thinking it was my buddy, and it was the boss. I answered the phone as him, and it wasn’t a big hit, end of job. I used to mow the lawns of golf courses, and I kidnapped the big tractor because I wanted to drive it, and I leaped on that and fired it up and just took off out of the stable. And I was just driving around on the big tractor, and that was my last day. You know, things when you’re a kid. Nothing interesting. It’s boring. I’m boring myself to tears.

Here is another dumb one I did. In the Marines, they have this device that imitates artillery, or land mines, it’s a flash-bang. It’s an explosion that is really loud, that doesn’t hurt anybody that is used for training. Right? I took one of those home to my apartment, and blew up my friend. I told him I had some of his mail, and I rigged the bomb on the side of a post about head high, and I had the trip wire up to my balcony, and it was one of those times where, as I see him coming down the sidewalk toward my bomb, I just so anticipated the joy I was going to feel when I blew his head his off. So he gets even with the thing, and I pull the trip wire, and it explodes. The noise was so loud, within about one milli-second, I knew I was in the biggest trouble I had ever been in my life. The thing blew up, and it was one of those noises that echo, it was so loud. With a huge explosion, it doesn’t go bang, it explodes, and then you hear air waves. And the pool cleared out, all the kids are screaming, people sprinting off the tennis courts, because it was like a beach resort. The SWAT team came out, they pinned me against the wall.

Yeah, that could have been thought out a little better. So yeah, there were a couple dumb ones but that was the best; blowing up my buddy. And he went into the fetal position. Now it sounds like I am making this part of the story up to make it better, but honestly, he then goes to his house and grabs his shot-gun and comes out on the porch because he thought I had tried to kill him. So he is out on his porch with his shot-gun, and I am flat on the floor in my living room, because I thought someone would shoot into my apartment, thinking that I was trying to bomb the place, and that is when the SWAT team came.

Andrew: Did they report it back to the Marines? Did you get court-martialed?

Greg: Yeah, but the Marines were kind of amused by me anyways. My commanding officer kind of liked it. Entirely illegal, could have gone to jail, but my commanding officer was kind of entertained. He just shook his head at me. I got a ticket from the SWAT team. Whatever, the story goes down hill from there.

Andrew: Do you have any dating advice to the single guys?

Greg: Dating advice?

Andrew: Yeah, advice from an expert.

Greg: As soon as you realize she is deficient, break up.

Andrew: Deficient? And how do you define deficient?

Greg: If they’re too dumb, if anything is wrong, if they’re mean, it they’re dumb, break up with them immediately. Don’t go out with them for seven years, as I have done, because next thing you know, you are in your 40s, sitting in your kitchen, talking to your sandwich. Don’t waste your time with a non-contender.

Yeah, I’m going to end up marrying some broken down stripper or Vegas showgirl, which is going to be embarrassing when I introduce her to my mother. “Spit out the cigarette and pull your top up, Bubbles! I want you to meet my mother.” Hilarious.

Greg Hahn headlines The Comedy & Magic Club Wednesday, March 4 and Thursday, March 5. Reservations required. (310) 372-1193 or comedyandmagicclub.com. ER

Ellie