View Full Version : Advice for my Daughter
I am not sure if this is the place to ask this, but it feels like a place I will get some straight information. My 17 year old daughter is currently dating a 17 year old young man. They have been dating for probably 8 months. He is planning on enlisting in the Corps immediately after high school. My daughter is under the impression that the military will be good for both of them. She is also of the opinion that "a few months apart for boot and school won't be that hard". I have told her that I feel that she needs to wait until after he is finished with boot and school and then get married.
I have never been in the Corps, but have had dozens of friends at Lejeune (I was working a civilian contract out at Courthouse Bay and met a lot of amazing guys over the couple of years I was there). I am an old Army leg. Maybe things have changed, but when I was in the Army (back in the early 80's), the military really didn't seem to want you to have a spouse.
Can some of the wives here tell their story of when their Marine first enlisted and what it was like? I plan on logging in here and allowing my daughter to read the replies.
My daughter is an incredibly intelligent young lady and I know that she will make the right decision for her future (even if it isn't what I feel is best). I'd just like for her to hear from some people who have been there and bought the t-shirt.
Thanks,
Charlie
I neglected to point out above that they are currently planning on getting married before they graduate - so they can have a couple of months together before he goes to boot.
Charlie
As an NCO, I have always advise my young Marines of NOT getting married until several years after being in.
I have seen many divorces with many young Marines.
SGT7477
02-11-09, 05:54 PM
If they do plan on getting married his pay won't support the both of them and getting deployed is a quarantee.
Big Jim
02-11-09, 08:27 PM
That's right.....tell her she has to factor in the deployment issues of being alone for long periods of time. Life for young Marine's spouses is a very hard and difficult one. I have had many young...
sgt tony
02-11-09, 08:37 PM
Like all have said it it not a bed of roses and some make it out to be, It is and will be very hard on them.
Also what is he going in as 03 or what? Some schools are long and require a lot of studies.
After his school then he will know where he will be sent also, If it is straight over seas (any where) then at least wait till his return.
I waited till I got back from VN and I was a L/Cpl then so the money was a little better. Housing is not the easy thing all the time and living off base is a cost in its self.
Best luck on your choices.
Pete0331
02-11-09, 08:52 PM
I neglected to point out above that they are currently planning on getting married before they graduate - so they can have a couple of months together before he goes to boot.
Charlie
Bootcamp is just the beginning.
He will deploy, it's the way it is.
If its love she will be willing to wait.
commdog7
02-11-09, 09:11 PM
I think that they should hold off for a few years. Neither of them understand how the military lifestyle will affect their marriage yet. He is likely to get deployed, and when that happens, their marriage will be tested. I have seen too many marriages end this very way. The smart thing to do would be to wait. She may think that everything will turn out fine now, but she will find herself in a mess when a deployment comes around and his commitment shifts from her to the Corps.
mdb0227
02-11-09, 10:19 PM
Hi, Im not a wife just yet but soon to be. We have been together 3 years and he has been in for 6 months(still new) I have a year and half left of college and we plan on getting married after his first deployment/After I graduate. It is hard, and i definately think waiting is the best thing to do. Like all of these men have said, too often couples jump into things too quickly and it takes a turn for the worse. But they are both very young are new to their relationship. I've seen it a lot and I've only been apart of this for a short period of time.
In my opinion, as a woman, its necessary for me to have my degree, to have that great accomplishment and be able to support myself in the event something happens I won't be stuck. If she plans on college stress that to her, because living on his salary alone wouldn't cut it.
All in all, just because they get married, doesn't necessarily mean all will be sunshine and rainbows. It's hard, and it sucks more than she can fathom... no sugar coating here. But if they love eachother they can wait it out and make sure that it is going to work out before taking that big step. You have to know the relationship is solid and can with stand the worst.
Hope that helps, best of luck.
PaidinBlood
02-11-09, 10:40 PM
I wish you the best of luck, sir, but nothing we say will change your daughter's mind-or yours. Bottom line is that it will work or it won't. All you're trying to do is protect her (understandably so!) from any extra grief in the process. Whether they make it 50 years or 5 more weeks our Corps doesn't have a thing to do with it. Everybody fusses over "compatibility" instead of COMMITMENT these days. I am no expert-only been married just over 3 years now. We tied the knot weeks before my first deployment. Two deployments, one child and a few months to the next one we are stronger than ever. It is what they make of it.
The question is once they decide will you still support them? MY kid barely talks-I've thus far been spared these hard decisions. I do know that family friction and money problems can kill a fledgling marriage faster than deployments... As for the money angle, I was legally single, sending home most of my money to cover the apartment and bills and I still managed to get drunk and stay out of debt. The Corps takes care of its' married Marines but only if they know how to use it. Best of luck to you and yours..
CBRN5711Tech
02-11-09, 10:55 PM
My wife has something to say,
"As a marine wife, I have to say that marriage was the best and toughest decision I've ever made...But what is love? Sacrificing for the other! They can make it work, and they will make it work if they love each other enough. Nobodies advice will change that.
So what if they are young...I am only 19 but in process of premed and should be heading to med school in about 1 and 1/2 years. Marriage isn't the end of life, it's the beginning. The question is, whether the love is genuine and whether they bring out the best in each other? Will that other person help you achieve your dreams?
No pep talks with anyone will prepare her mentally for the military wife lifestyle. It is just something you have to experience and go through yourself. But I say if it's the real deal, and you know you want to make it work...Then go for it! 50% of marriages in America end in divorce, what difference does it make whether your military or not? If you can handle forever then do it!"
I neglected to point out above that they are currently planning on getting married before they graduate - so they can have a couple of months together before he goes to boot.
Charlie
a young devil dog of mine got married to his high school sweet-heart... he took her to pendleton and maybe 6 months later he deployed with us to Iraq... he left 3 weeks into the deployment because she met some unsavory guys, started screwing a few others (the housing was condo style where they shared a wall and the neigbors could hear) and started stashing kilos of cocaine for another guy... needless to say the young baby they had, that she was responsible for was probably getting neglected... there was animal fecices in the baby's room (animals are not allowed in base housing) and when the military police showed up after following the adultress (the unit found out from a spouse of another Marine in the same unit who heard the sexing of the hoe) and her men... who they id'd for known drug dealing and smuggling... so she got tipped off and she left before they found the 2 kilos in the freezer (as you may know military police can't arrest a civilian for adultery... they don't fall under the UCMJ) at which point they could only assume it was the husbands.
he was cleared when evidence showed the wife was responsible... the child is now in the fathers care and he got out after his 4 years.
this is my recommendation to your daughter (I have a 2 year old so I'm thinking a lot about this now), she should wait until he gets to his permanant duty station... if she still feels something for him then, go ahead and do a long distance relationship with the thought that he's probably sleeping with other girls... if you're still to naive and feel it needs to goto the next level then you have my support, but be ready to kick him in the balls and take him for everything he's got when you find out he's cheating on you after you're married... at which point you are welcome to come back home and tell me I was right from the begining....
so yeah, hope that helps.
semper good luck.:iwo:
EDIT: make them both read the book call "the five languages of love" before they get married... that'll make sure something good happens if they do.... it'll at least make them understand each other better. it's standard marriage counseling literature.
Sempermom66
02-12-09, 06:14 AM
Charlie,
I too have seventeen year old daughter whose boyfriend has enlisted and is leaving soon - for an infantry MOS. My daughter is in her first semester of college and plans to enlist herself when she is eighteen.
As a couple, they have surprised me with the closeness they have maintained for over two years - even after she moved fifty miles away...
Last week, I told her that I expected that any man would ask me before proposing to her; her boyfriend has shown himself to be an honorable boy for over two years. And I told her that if he asks me, I will say "Yes."
Absolutely -- but he must wait until he has completed his first four years. That would be best for both of them.
Meanwhile, I have a brother who is in Iraq for the tenth time -(A hero for my children and largely the reason that I have two sons in Boot Camp right now) who will be taking care of tying up the ends of his failed marriage to a girl our family adores...they wed shortly before his first deployment to Mesopotamia.
I married at eighteen. I wish that I had a father who had quietly counseled me, by inviting a community to share experience, not just words.
Your daughter may make the wrong decision, Charlie.
That's life.
I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart AFTER I got out of the service.
For 5 years, we maintained a long distance relationship.
Every night consisted of a 2 hour conversation, every leave was spent with her and her family
I trusted her completely, I knew she was not cheating on me, because I know her family very well, including her mom.
After 4 years I asked her to marry me, and after I got out of the service I married her.
We are about to celebrate our 1st anniversary in March and our baby is due in April.
I would recommend your daughter wait for a couple years. Especially if he is going to go 03xx, their lives are going to be very tough.
KawiGunny
02-12-09, 08:05 AM
They are young and have their entire lives ahead of them. Don't rush it. If this is true love then they can hold out for a couple more years until he picks up some rank and has a better idea if he wants to stick around for more than just his first enlistment. As mentioned by many others, marriage can be difficult in the Corps. I served over 20 years and ended my career on my second marriage. During my time in, I saw countless numbers of young Marines getting married and divorced during their first enlistment. Some where even married for 3 or more years but the deployments finally took there toll. The deployments are tougher on the spouses than on the Marines. Being seperated by 50 miles isn't anything. Hell, 500 miles isn't anything. Seperated by the big pond and being in a stressful environment..... know your talking about STRESS on the spouses end. They worry all the time and sometimes go looking for friends. Some of those "friends" are just looking for their next "action". Not saying any of this will happen to them if they get married but just an observation of mine for over 20 years.
If they do get married before he takes off, she should consider staying at home and going to college while he is going through schools and possibly deploying within his first year. Her education needs to be high on her list of "to do" items. If they get married and she moves to where-ever, then her education is what will get her a decent job. There are way to many wifes out there that don't have an education and they are all working the average jobs. Some of the more "rewarded" jobs are available because of the lack of educated people.
cookingmama
02-12-09, 06:49 PM
RCWITT,
I am a Marine wife and have been for 3 years. I hope you do let your daughter read the posts because being a Marine wife is pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the lifestyle and love the experiences and people I meet along the way. I understand that she must love her boyfriend, however, that doesn't mean she HAS to marry him. She should worry about her career and her education FIRST because it will help her and him in the long run if they do get married. When I met my husband, I had my education and my career and was already established and I think that has really contributed to our positive experiences so far.
It won't be the end of the world if her boyfriend is in another state when he gets to his first duty station.
When I was dating my Marine, I used to LOVE going down to visit him during long weekends. It was exciting to have an excuse to go somewhere and visit. Tell her to start classes at a local college, or even one near where he may be stationed (if possible for her to go out of state) and take care of herself and enjoy long weekends with him. That way, they can get to know each other more, and see how the long distance thing works.
The long distance relationship will be good practice for their lives ahead...if he is at Lejeune or Pendleton or 29 Palms (for example) he will probably be deploying at least every year. Some friends have husbands that were just recently been home for 5 months and deployed again for the 4th time! (YIKES).
It can be a lonely life if she marries young and sits around waiting for him to come home all day and throughout entire deployments, but if she takes care of herself, she can make her experiences so much better and she can be independent while having a healthy marriage.
Sorry for babbling, but I really hope she makes a good decision! Good luck!
alsp5303
02-14-09, 04:49 PM
I hope this will be of some help. I'm not a spouse of the military, but i come from a military family and my best friends husband is in the military.
My best friend, who's like my sister, got married in April last year, to her boyfriend who's in the Air Force. They had been together for 2 years. They started dating right after he got out of tech school. They are stationed in D.C. I constantly get phone calls about how much she misses everyone and how homesick she is because it's just her and him. They had to miss christmas this year because they couldn't afford to come home. She had to get a job and quit school because they couldn't afford to live on just his income. He's a Senior Airman, so he makes decent money, your daughters boyfriend will only be a private out of boot camp, if my best friend and her husband can't live off his income, your daughter and her boyfriend would definitely not be able to live off his income. That's just regular day to day life, deployments really test a marriage. Her husband thankfully is non-deployable, he's in the honor guard. but my cousin is a Marine and has deployed twice. His wife has said that it is the toughest thing to go through, it's lonely, especially if you live away from your family. Sure they can make phone calls now, getting to actually talk to them keeps your mind at ease, but its still really lonely and can test a marriage. Especially with them being so young. My advice to her is to wait, they've been together for 8 months? Definitely wait, divorce is nasty, and who know what will happen while he's gone. Feelings change, especially after high school. If they really are set on getting married, then they can wait, if they want to be together for the rest of their lives, they can wait a couple of months until he gets stationed.
I hope that helps, like i said, im not a military spouse, but i've been around it so i know how it affects relationships.
PaidinBlood
02-14-09, 05:16 PM
The Gunny makes an outstanding point on education, and this does not just apply to military spouses. Now in the eleventh hour of my enlistment my wife is pursuing her nursing degree-a dream she has had forever. She sacrificed even more than I did, working long hours as a CNA in nursing homes and hospitals before I enlisted and through the first deployment, then taking "time off" to be a full time Mom, secretary, accountant (for the family!) and cheerleader. She can put together a dress uniform, lay out items for a gear inspection and even roll sleeves in a pinch. She knows all about the red tape and bureaucracy on both the Marine and dependent sides and could probably work for TriCare, the VA or even admin:D! She is more than I deserve and I am glad she has this chance to finally take care of herself. Should something happen to me, I now know she will have more than just my SGLI payment to provide for her and our children. I just wish I could have found the means to do this for her sooner. Bottom line-there is nothing wrong with being a "housewife"-she loved every minute of it. There is no way to put a price tag on an education however. In addition to the possibility of extra income, each member of a partnership knows they bring their own unique skills to the table and can avoid many common pitfalls of early marriage-from money to just plain respect and appreciation for each other. Kind of started to ramble-hope that made some sense...
she reads your posts doesn't she?
PaidinBlood
02-15-09, 12:39 PM
she reads your posts doesn't she?
No actually she hates this site with a passion. :D
DocGreek
02-15-09, 01:33 PM
CHRIS.....please tell your Daughter, that as a Corpsman, I personally hold her saftey close to my heart. Tell her to find a SQUID who's older, experienced, and willing to shelter her....if she needs it.....WE make very good STEPDAD'S!!.....DOC
libohound
02-15-09, 03:42 PM
Speaking from experience, here are a few thoughts on your daughter's dilemma: <br />
<br />
1) A great deal of your daughter's success as a spouse depends on her husband's duty station. My wife and I were...
your story is the reason they didn't let junior Marines Marry unless they had a good head on their shoulders....
they let the counseling go to the way side, and they said they don't NJP Marines 'cause it'll only hurt them in the long run (when they get married without command consent).
everything has it's reason... it's when you try to be "fair" for those few who aren't screw-ups and have good women... well yeah, I'm not going to rant.
I'd also say a lot of the problems were from her getting into long dumb conversations with the other Marines wives... who just like society get dumber the more there are in one room.
they were a bad influence on her, and was probably one of the reasons she considered adultery.
DobbinsBlythe
02-17-09, 11:25 AM
Not to sound like a broken record or anything... check this out:
I'm an Army brat.. so I kinda knew what was going on before I got married. My husband and I dated since I was 16.. but we got married when I turned 21. Boot camp was THE HARDEST EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DEAL WITH IN REGARDS TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND WE'VE HAD IN HIS ENTIRE ENLISTMENT!!!!!!
I want to get that point to your daughter first thing. You go three months with VERY little communication b/c he's going to be too busy cleaning his rifle and squaring away his crap to write. I got letters maybe once a week b/c my husband (then, fiancee) got in trouble for writing to me in his rack.
2nd... life in the Corps.. if I could describe it for a Marine wife would be:
1. Deployments. You might have five months out of every year you get to spend with your Husband. (that's about what I get.. )
2. Comaradarie (sp?). There are other women out there who understand what you're going through. (but.. keep in mind that there are a lot of YOUNG women you'll be dealling with so if you think you're mature, your peers might not be and DRAMA happens... it's a small Corps)
3. Training. Not you. Him. He will be gone for SEVERAL weeks throughout that FIVE months you might get @ home with him. So take that five months down to about ... 3 or 4.
I can't stress enough.. 8 months for a 17 year old girl might seem like a long time, but you don't even know yourself enough yet much less HIM.
It's been about 7 years for me and my husband and I'm still figuring him out. Lord know's he's still clueless about me.
One more thing... there's DEFINITELY a reason people say "Marine Spouse-the toughest job in the Corps."
SGT7477
02-17-09, 11:33 AM
Not to sound like a broken record or anything... check this out:
I'm an Army brat.. so I kinda knew what was going on before I got married. My husband and I dated since I was 16.. but we got married when I turned 21. Boot camp was THE HARDEST EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DEAL WITH IN REGARDS TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND WE'VE HAD IN HIS ENTIRE ENLISTMENT!!!!!!
I want to get that point to your daughter first thing. You go three months with VERY little communication b/c he's going to be too busy cleaning his rifle and squaring away his crap to write. I got letters maybe once a week b/c my husband (then, fiancee) got in trouble for writing to me in his rack.
2nd... life in the Corps.. if I could describe it for a Marine wife would be:
1. Deployments. You might have five months out of every year you get to spend with your Husband. (that's about what I get.. )
2. Comaradarie (sp?). There are other women out there who understand what you're going through. (but.. keep in mind that there are a lot of YOUNG women you'll be dealling with so if you think you're mature, your peers might not be and DRAMA happens... it's a small Corps)
3. Training. Not you. Him. He will be gone for SEVERAL weeks throughout that FIVE months you might get @ home with him. So take that five months down to about ... 3 or 4.
I can't stress enough.. 8 months for a 17 year old girl might seem like a long time, but you don't even know yourself enough yet much less HIM.
It's been about 7 years for me and my husband and I'm still figuring him out. Lord know's he's still clueless about me.
One more thing... there's DEFINITELY a reason people say "Marine Spouse-the toughest job in the Corps."
Very well put and to the point, Semper FI.:flag:
ameriken
02-21-09, 08:46 PM
I have only one thing to add to what everyone else has said, and it is with a little bit of different twist: I went in when I was 17 and thankfully, I was unmarried. A young man joining the military gets exposed very quickly to many new tastes and flavors of the world....both good and bad.
Regardless of where he is stationed, and especially if overseas where the separation can be a great distance and a long wait, he could be very far from her and very close to those temptations. Some resist, some dont.
Like I said, I am glad I was not married or committed when I joined.
lthunder
02-21-09, 11:05 PM
I am not sure if this is the place to ask this, but it feels like a place I will get some straight information. My 17 year old daughter is currently dating a 17 year old young man. They have been dating for probably 8 months. He is planning on enlisting in the Corps immediately after high school. My daughter is under the impression that the military will be good for both of them. She is also of the opinion that "a few months apart for boot and school won't be that hard". I have told her that I feel that she needs to wait until after he is finished with boot and school and then get married.
I have never been in the Corps, but have had dozens of friends at Lejeune (I was working a civilian contract out at Courthouse Bay and met a lot of amazing guys over the couple of years I was there). I am an old Army leg. Maybe things have changed, but when I was in the Army (back in the early 80's), the military really didn't seem to want you to have a spouse.
Can some of the wives here tell their story of when their Marine first enlisted and what it was like? I plan on logging in here and allowing my daughter to read the replies.
My daughter is an incredibly intelligent young lady and I know that she will make the right decision for her future (even if it isn't what I feel is best). I'd just like for her to hear from some people who have been there and bought the t-shirt.
Thanks,
Charlie
Listen, anyone above the age of 18 is old enough to fight. Anything above that can marry any Marine they wish. If they wish it, they can get a free Iraq attorney and argue it. If not, they can get any attorney and argue it. The Marines can have what they want...
you sound stupid... I think this guys knows this... he's just looking for information, you don't need to talk to him like he's a moron... he did spend the last 17 years raising a human being.
PaidinBlood
02-22-09, 11:43 AM
you sound stupid... I think this guys knows this... he's just looking for information, you don't need to talk to him like he's a moron... he did spend the last 17 years raising a human being.
Aye. :thumbup:
sometimes it's easy hitting the nail on the head PIB...
PaidinBlood
02-22-09, 11:58 AM
Even a broken clock is right twice a day....wait that's the Jets...:D
... PIB, I think you've heard me write that before (that's a paradox isn't it?!)
ameriken
02-22-09, 06:43 PM
Even a broken clock is right twice a day....wait that's the Jets...:DI had had a flashback to the political forum when I read that, and had to look twice to see who wrote it! :D:D
DobbinsBlythe
02-23-09, 11:21 AM
Listen, anyone above the age of 18 is old enough to fight. Anything above that can marry any Marine they wish. If they wish it, they can get a free Iraq attorney and argue it. If not, they can get any attorney and argue it. The Marines can have what they want...
DURRRRRR
His daughter's clueless though. And she's gonna get herself into a world of pain if she doesn't get it now. Getting married to a Marine isn't exactly a choice someone should rush into.
EVERY Marine wife learns (hopefully sooner than later) that the Marine is married to the MARINES and we are their mistresses.....
DocGreek
02-23-09, 12:07 PM
PEOPLE!!!! This thread has been going on for at least 2 weeks, it's TIME for DOC to put a dam PERIOD....here!!!! I'm 63, and have 3 "children", and 2 step children. They ALL love, and respect me....because I listen, and do NOT tell them how to live their lives!!! Be straight-up and tell your children the CHOICES they have, in front of them, THEN....let them do what THEY think is the right thing!!! If they're successful...TERRIFIC!! IF they fail miserably....BE THERE...for support, LOVE, and CALM guidance. HOW do we, as humans, learn to live a good life??......BY SCREWING UP, and making mistakes.....that we learn from.....some of us make the same mistakes, two, or three times!!!!.....I KNOW....BEEN there, LOT'S of times!!! Have the strength to LOVE your children....no matter what! PEACE AND LOVE, to all of you!!!......DOC
cookingmama
02-23-09, 02:30 PM
EVERY Marine wife learns (hopefully sooner than later) that the Marine is married to the MARINES and we are their mistresses.....
very, very true! ;)