How do you tactfully (read: peacefully) discuss joining the Marines to your parents?

[Grisaille]

I'm a frequent visitor although I just recently joined. This is my first post, and I need some help.

For years I've wanted to join and become a Marine. Perhaps I've had some sort of romantic idea of the responsibilities and honor that comes with the lifestyle. Perhaps it was because grandpa did his due diligence and stood enlisted for 20+ years. Whatever the case may be, it calls out for me. I feel I deep sense of longing. I want to be there. I want to be strong.

I graduated high school with honors, and instead of going to college, I decided to work full time. I knew I wanted to join. But before hand, I wanted to experience "life". I wanted to know the civilian trials and tribulations so I can better understand - and appreciate - what the core ideals of the Marine Corps truly meant. I worked crap jobs - a school janitor, NYC Department of Sanitation, construction, Starbucks, etc. I decided blue collar was enough for me. I eventually turned my interests and abilities to the true workforce. I became a Project Manager / Estimator for a commercial renovations company. The pay was good; the experience - even better. I mingled with the top of the top. I saw a side of New York City (and incidentally, corporate America) that few get the chance to do.

Throughout the year of working there, I always kept that gnawing desire of joining the Marines close. It fueled me; kept me motivated throughout the day. After I left the job, (P.S. It should be noted here that my former boss, which is a good friend of mine, was a Sgt.) I returned back home with my parents. I sold my motorcycle, left my apartment, etc. etc. I was ready to start my preparations. I researched every possible knook and cranny on the Corps. I started to study for the ASVAB, kicked up my exercise routine a notch all to better prepare myself; I knew Recruit Training was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to go through. I also knew nothing would ever prepare me fully. I smiled at this fact, and took it in stride.

And then it hit me. How the hell do I explain this decision to my parents? Casually? Tactfully? Forcefully? I said to hell with it. I love them to death and give my life for them. They should understand, right?

Couldn't have been more wrong. My mother has told me flat out that she will disown me. She's called me selfish - after all, if I die, who'd be the ones lamenting? My father is equally stern, although I believe he's warmer on the idea of fully accomplishing my dreams. Every time I speak to her about it, she just gets angrier and angrier. I don't know what to do. I'm heartbroken. I'm torn.

One must understand here that New York is an insanely liberal state/city. Obama fliers are everywhere. This being said, it's easy to understand how upset she'd be; hell, her Marine pops hasn't even spoken to her in years. This sour taste is stemming from both of these facts. She believes it is dangerous (well, it is) and has a love hate relationship with her father, who happens to be a Marine. Just typing that sentence kind of makes me think of HER as the selfish one.

In any case, I've been lolly gagging for a month now on what the hell to do. I haven't been eating properly, my exercise routine has gone to hell, and... truth be told... I'm kind of depressed. I know there is no way to appease both parties in this situation. Maybe I've just gotta be a little selfish. Maybe she has to stop being so. I don't know. I need a little help. I hate this feeling of stagnancy. I want more. I want to train. Be strong. Intelligent. Reliable beyond measure. I want to really know what this honor, courage and commitment really mean; not just shadowy concepts us civilians concoct. I want to... no... need to... become a Marine.

It almost feels like this is the first challenge I have to overcome before I even hop onto that bus.

So... Enlisted, Officers, Poolees, family members, I'm reaching out to you for help and a little advice. What the hell do I do now? How do I make them see? I know she'll eventualy forgive me, but my mother is somewhat of a dramatic woman. I can see her becoming overly depressed. Same with my father. I don't want to cause them this "psychological harm".


Thanks in advance,
- Zen, 19 year old distraught civi

[Achped]

Are you a girl?

[W2BMARINEGIRL]

If your mom is just like most, then if you are happy, she should be happy that you are happy and enjoying yourself and your life.

[Grisaille]

Are you a girl?
No, I made the stupid mistake of writing this without reading the rules of this tread. I'm in the midst of updating my profile, sir.

[yellowwing]

You've done alot for 19 years. The Corps is a minimum 4 years. Can you handle that?

You also have the opportunity to reach out to your grand pop now too.

[GySgtRet]

You are in a tough spot right now young man. I know what it is like to try and please everybody, it cannot be done. I know that you don't want to harm your mom and dad and I think that eventually they will be ok. Bear in mind that they only want what is best for their children even the grown up ones. If you sit down and speak with them as a adult you may get a negative response/reply and it may seem that the world is coming to an end. In the long run you have to do what is best for you. I would ask your grandpa since he served in the USMC all of those years. There may be something in the past and you may not want to know but maybe he will share with you. I wouldn't purposley dig for anyhting just talk to him.

No this is aimed at you. There is and old saying going around and it goes something like this. "Where do they get those young men/women to fight"? This has been around longer than I have I amnot sure when it surfaced? You sir are the opitamey of this question. I thank you for your noble thinking and thinking of not yourself but of a larger group, all of us here in the USA.

Please let us know how things go. Thank you for your question is is a good one.

Gunny out
:usmc:

[Grisaille]

You've done alot for 19 years. The Corps is a minimum 4 years. Can you handle that?

You also have the opportunity to reach out to your grand pop now too.

Thank you for you kind words.

I've reached out to my grandfather. He told me to ignore what she says, she'll get over it. Be mindful that he was a recruiter for two years and has even (somewhat) jokingly said that it doesn't really matter what he says because he has an opinionated way of thinking; i.e. just join, think later.

Also, I am well aware of the minimum and I'm hungry for it, sir.

[UMDStudent24]

The best advice I can offer is to ask her to discuss it with you. I realize that your post says she currently refuses to do so, but ask her to sit down and explain her opposition.

Don't try to convince her of anything, just allow her to voice her concerns to you. Let her tell you that it is a bad idea. Let her tell you that she will disown you. Allow her the ability to articulate her fears and her feelings on your decision. The simple act of allowing her to speak will not change her mind. It will not get you any closer to becoming a Marine, but it will avoid a confrontation. It will allow her to feel a little bit better because at the very least she feels like you will listen and that she can perhaps influence your decision without being irrational.

You will find yourself going nowhere if you try to make her at ease with your decision; you can, however, explain to her why you have decided to do it and, again, let her voice her concerns.

She will eventually come to either respect your decision or she will refuse to talk about it, but you are her son and she will always be around for you as you should be for her.

Good luck to you, however you decide to approach it.

[Grisaille]

You are in a tough spot right now young man. I know what it is like to try and please everybody, it cannot be done. I know that you don't want to harm your mom and dad and I think that eventually they will be ok. Bear in mind that they only want what is best for their children even the grown up ones. If you sit down and speak with them as a adult you may get a negative response/reply and it may seem that the world is coming to an end. In the long run you have to do what is best for you. I would ask your grandpa since he served in the USMC all of those years. There may be something in the past and you may not want to know but maybe he will share with you. I wouldn't purposley dig for anyhting just talk to him.

No this is aimed at you. There is and old saying going around and it goes something like this. "Where do they get those young men/women to fight"? This has been around longer than I have I amnot sure when it surfaced? You sir are the opitamey of this question. I thank you for your noble thinking and thinking of not yourself but of a larger group, all of us here in the USA.

Please let us know how things go. Thank you for your question is is a good one.

Gunny out
:usmc:
Gunnery Sergeant Reagle,

Thank you for you advice, it noted and fully appreciated, sir. As I stated above, I have spoken to my grandfather on the matter and although we do not speak often, he is very supportive of my decision, especially because none of his children decided to join. In a sense, sir, he views this as an opportunity to be granted the "living legacy" he has dreamed of.

I wish that there is a way that my parents can have a feeling of protection in lieu of this dread and fear. I suppose this their love for me.

Again, I thank you for both great advice and compliments, sir.

[Cjcruzi3]

Well I was in this same exact boat when i first joined the DEP about 6 months ago.

My mother godbless her the family oriented person she is said no, said she will disown me. You know all that really good stuff, my dad much the same as your father expressed his concerns yet was warmer to the idea. Well I just did not listen to her. At the end of the day it is my life and I am trying to do what is best for me and what I feel is right for me. So I trained, I did what i had to do to enlist and i signed up.

Now 6 months later I am two weeks away from shipping and not to say shes unhappy, but she got over it. Mothers always do. Your her next of kin, your her blood and in the end she will always understand. Do listen do her because as stated above it will help a mother. It helped my mother and I truly did listen to her but nothing would change my mind. Just know that eventually she'll come around, all mothers do. It is just hard to let go of your child, it always will be for Parents, yet im sure when they see you at graduation they will be happier than anyone else except for maybe yourself and then maybe they will understand.

If you want it do it. It is a selfish act but trust me she will come around. She has to understand that it is in fact your life, and you need to make your own mistakes. She can not live your life nor dictate where your life will lead. Mothers will say anything to get you to not do stuff. It will be a rough 3 months for you as well as for her mentally but in the end I think you will find it worth it and hopefully so will she. Just belive that eventually she will come around to the idea and maybe she can see what a great thing the Marine Corps truly is.

If you want more insight just PM and I will talk to you up until the day I leave.

P.S. Don't ever change your excercise and eating habits, you will start maintaining bad habits that you don't want later in life. Plus you shouldn't do that just for the Marine Corps but also for yourself. So try and get back into your routine.

[Grisaille]

Well I was in this same exact boat when i first joined the DEP about 6 months ago.

My mother godbless her the family oriented person she is said no, said she will disown me. You know all that really good stuff, my dad much the same as your father expressed his concerns yet was warmer to the idea. Well I just did not listen to her. At the end of the day it is my life and I am trying to do what is best for me and what I feel is right for me. So I trained, I did what i had to do to enlist and i signed up.

Now 6 months later I am two weeks away from shipping and not to say shes unhappy, but she got over it. Mothers always do. Your her next of kin, your her blood and in the end she will always understand. Do listen do her because as stated above it will help a mother. It helped my mother and I truly did listen to her but nothing would change my mind. Just know that eventually she'll come around, all mothers do. It is just hard to let go of your child, it always will be for Parents, yet im sure when they see you at graduation they will be happier than anyone else except for maybe yourself and then maybe they will understand.

If you want it do it. It is a selfish act but trust me she will come around. She has to understand that it is in fact your life, and you need to make your own mistakes. She can not live your life nor dictate where your life will lead. Mothers will say anything to get you to not do stuff. It will be a rough 3 months for you as well as for her mentally but in the end I think you will find it worth it and hopefully so will she. Just belive that eventually she will come around to the idea and maybe she can see what a great thing the Marine Corps truly is.

If you want more insight just PM and I will talk to you up until the day I leave.

P.S. Don't ever change your excercise and eating habits, you will start maintaining bad habits that you don't want later in life. Plus you shouldn't do that just for the Marine Corps but also for yourself. So try and get back into your routine.


Congradulations on getting farther than me! =]

Truth be told, I haven't spoken to my mother about joining for a few weeks now - possibly a month. I've been indecisive and apprehensive.

Regardless, this situation will soon get a little more serious. You see she's been wondering why the hell I've been living in her house for a little while now, jobless. Currently it's a non-issue; a topic that is mostly brought up in jest, as the money I have from both savings and selling most of my personal items are both paying rent to my parents and keeping me afloat in this seemingly vast sea of bills. On the other hand, she has told me that I'm kicked out the day I reach out to a recruiter. And I hate apartment searching, and homeless shelters are not a place I would like to return to.

Also, the Delayed-Entry Program isn't for me anyway.

In the end, the reasons I haven't been eating or exercizing well clearly sprouts from my inability to see my future with clarity - Marine or otherwise.

But posting on this forum has been insanely benificial to me.

Thanks again, everyone. Comments, advice and criticisms are not only appreciated, they are welcome.

[Integrity57]

There's nothing to discuss, you tell them that you're joining and they can either support you or go **** themselves. That's the only two ways the situation can go, this is your life, not theirs.

[degenerate138]

It's a tough situation, no doubt. I don't understand though. You sound like me, being a Marine is something that gnawed at you. Something that motivated you throughout a days work. If it's something you feel so strongly about, there's no doubt you need to fulfill your dream. I don't know any mom that would be excited to hear that her son or daughter is deciding to join the Marines, never mind any other military branch. They are used to being able to talk to their son or daughter whenever the felt like. That is taken away when you join the military, especially the Marine Corps.

You should try and sit down with both your parents, and maybe even your Grandfather, if this issue really is going to be an obstacle before you step off that bus. Family meetings are usually a good thing and you can peacefully, tactfully, and forcefully tell your family your plan for YOUR life. Make sure they know that you are stern in your decision and you are not changing your mind. If your mothers threats are unfounded, she can and will live with your decision.

Remember, it's your decision. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It sounds like you truly want to be a Marine. You'll have to deal with the obstacles on the path to that goal; and once you get there, it will be that much more fulfilling.

[Brandon1]

For me it was the other way around. My mom is on board with my decision, and my dad is...Well, he doesnt like it. When I called my parents, I told my mom first, because I thought she would be the less understanding one. Wrong, she said if I was going to do it, then I need to do it for the long haul (Weird huh?). When I told my dad, he just flat out said no. That was a jaw dropping moment for me. So I asked him why, he said "Are you fvcking stupid? There is a war going on and you want to enlist?" Here is my dad, who is a Marine telling me not to enlist. So we argue, blah blah blah, he hangs up. I call back a few months later and see what his take on it now, same thing, except this time, it's "You want to do something where they teach you to shoot guns, throw grenades and kill people?" I didnt even respond, I just asked for my mom haha. So finally, earlier this year, I saw both my parents for the first time in 3 years. I talked to my dad in person, and I still said i'm enlisting, he finally said, if thats what you want to do, then go for it. BIG sigh of relief for me. I've gotten the biggest hurdle out of the way. Now the only thing holding me up is my GED (I know GED...Bad.).

It's been said before, you cant please everybody, and no parent wants their child to join the military. Well some may, but for most it's a no. To me, your not the selfish one, it's your mom. Make sure you tell her that. If she still doesnt agree with you, and doesnt support you, I say cut the cord. Thats what I almost did with my dad, but I held firm and in the end, he saw that this is what i'm GOING to do, no matter what anybody thinks.

[Phantom Blooper]

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...and then have them enjoy packing for the trip!:evilgrin:

[jrhd97]

Be forcefull, yet respectful to her. Let her know you are joining and you understand she has concerns and fears. Explain how important this is to you. She may never understand, yet she may decide to support you. I have seen some of the most adamant haters of the Corps turn into pride filled mama's when there baby graduates.
You are at the age were YOU, and only YOU need to plot the course for your life. Go talk to that recruiter and sign on.

[Do-Or-Die]

Talk to a recruiter. Mine was very helpful with the whole "mother issue" and was willing to sit down in my house and answer all questions she could think of. He even added in some answers to questions others had commonly had.

[Rains]

I guess I am very lucky to have understanding parents. When I told my mom and dad I was joining the Marine Corps, they didnt give any opposition at all, they where acually all out proud of me and completly supportive.

I really dont have any advice for you besides, tell her that you are joining either way, and if she loves you then she will accept the fact that you are joining. And as said before, you cant please everyone so dont try.

Good Luck!

[gnarkill04]

I finally turned 18 and am now going to speak with my new recruiter in about 15 minutes and my mom is very against me joining. I still have no idea when, how, or if I'm even going to tell her when I ship off. I share your concern on what your, and my mom will think/do when they find out, but I think your best bet is just tell her. Sit her down, and be stern in convincing her this is what you want to do. She isn't going to take it well at all, but eventually she will accept it.

[SGT7477]

Man Up but do it with a open ear and RESPECT.

[darkgreen0311]

If your mother disowns you because of this. She'll be the one who's selfish. My mother and father wanted me to go to college. They tried to bribe me with a brand new car. The recruiters came over to my house and tried to get my mother to sign for me. My father threw them out of the house. I waited until i was 18 and signed for myself. Everytime i would come home and be in uniform their faces would light up. Even until this day my mother buys me something with Marine Corps on it. Whether it's a watch or a shirt or something. Parents don't want their babies getting hurt,and that's understandable. My parents adjusted fine, and i hope yours will to.






:marine:SEMPER FI 4 LIFE!!!

[THAT AINT IT]

My parents were pretty much the same way. They never went as far as saying that they would disown me but still they were pretty upset. They always said "what if you get killed? You know your grandparents are going to blame us for letting you go." They basically tried to bribe me into not joining. They wanted me to be my sisters. They wanted me to go to college and start settling down. I told them that that was not what I wanted, I wanted to leave. They told me that they wouldn't sign for me and I told them that's fine I'll just wait until I'm 18. They realized they couldn't stop me so they just gave in. When they saw me on Family Day, all of a sudden they were motivated Marine Corps parents. Your parents will come around. It may take them a little longer than you want it to, but it will happen.

[Mikewebe]

Be respectful, afterall you will find that to be something we are. But unless they want to support you for the rest of their lives then just do it. My mom knew it was coming even helped me when she knew she was helping me get sent off. She didn't like it but was supportive. But I never asked my parents, I told them.

She will not disown you but it may be a sore spot for you over the next few years. You have to live your life not them. I lost my mom at 29 years old(I was). And had I never enlisted I would have felt as if I wasted all those years to someone who was no longer around, so not only would I have lost mom but I would have never lived my dream. Think with your heart on this one. And good luck to you

[OB MSG]

Ok, time for my story, again.

I was in college in '98 when I needed a change of pace. Seventeen years of schooling with only winter and summer breaks gets to you. I knew that I would be joining one of the branches, so I checked them all out. (I'll tell the Army story another time).

Well, I had talked to the Navy and when I was supposed to meet with them with my dad they weren't there. So I asked for a sticky from the Marines and they started asking questions. As soon as I said that I hadn't sworn my first oath, you could hear the splash of saliva hitting the deck. Next thing I know they want to talk and I told my pops to swing back to get me in an hour. I went through the usual recruiter shpeel and told them that they would have to sell my folks, even though I would be making the final decision. So we agreed that they would come to my house to talk.

When I got home I told my mom about it and her exact words were, "Not the Marines, they're the first ones in!" I told her about the recruiters coming over and that I wanted her and my dad to sit and talk to them, (even though I was 22 at the time).

A couple days later, a 1stSgt and a SSgt show up at the front door. We all sat at the dining room table and talked. I mostly listened having made up my own mind. When the talking was done and the recruiters had left, I asked my mom what she thought. She said, "They told me everything I asked for and even though they're salesmen in uniform I believe them. They are all right in my book." My folks knew that it was my decision to make, but they felt honored that I would at least consider their thoughts on my joining.


So, My advice to you is to talk to your folks, sit them down and talk to them. Set an appointment and talk. Explain your reasons, listen to their views, but also let them know that at the end of the day, it is your life and your journey, not theirs. They will worry, parents always do, but they have to let go. If they disown you now, they may come around, but it will their loss if they don't.

Good Luck and Keep Marching.

P.S.: Knock off the slacking and get your butt back to working out!! Fat Marines make bigger targets and even bigger casualties, that's why we don't have Fat Marines!