Advice requested

[1Marine4Life]

Hello ladies. I have a question that I would like to ask but I'll tell you why first.
Since last October, I've been talking to the Officer Selection Officer for Tennessee and its been a very long process. My girlfriend initially was all for it. I have a few waivers to clear now because we're married now, we have kids, and some other issues. Now she says she cant be a military wife but she's never been one before. Plus she cant tell me why. My biggest problem is that at one point early in the relationship, she was actually going to enlist in the Army and I backed her 100%. I've always backed her in whatever she wanted to do whether I thought it was a good idea or not. I've tried talking to her and even asked my OSO which Officer MOS's rarely deploy and about any resources that spouses can take advantage of. Anyway, my question is what are some things I can tell my wife about nilitary life from a spouse's point of view? I need advice because I have a good shot at this and its always been a dream of mine.

[Big Jim]

Hello ladies. I have a question that I would like to ask but I'll tell you why first.
Since last October, I've been talking to the Officer Selection Officer for Tennessee and its been a very long process. My girlfriend initially was all for it. I have a few waivers to clear now because we're married now, we have kids, and some other issues. Now she says she cant be a military wife but she's never been one before. Plus she cant tell me why. My biggest problem is that at one point early in the relationship, she was actually going to enlist in the Army and I backed her 100%. I've always backed her in whatever she wanted to do whether I thought it was a good idea or not. I've tried talking to her and even asked my OSO which Officer MOS's rarely deploy and about any resources that spouses can take advantage of. Anyway, my question is what are some things I can tell my wife about nilitary life from a spouse's point of view? I need advice because I have a good shot at this and its always been a dream of mine.

Well....even though this has been a dream and you may have wanted it all your life...you should realize that you have made a life-long committment to those kids and their mother. If she's not on board with this, you should re-think things here...are you doing this for yourself or them? Because your family will give you strength when times get hard and you'll have them to share your successes with as well as your failures and obstacles. If it were me and my choice...I'd definitely be re-thinking my choices if she didn't want to go the military way...because fr wives...its a lonely. hard road...waiting for you for months and even years while your overseas and she's at home running everything else...have you thought about that?

To me, my kids always came first...thats why I got off active duty...just before I did...I recieved orders to go overseas on an unaccompanied tour for 3 years!!! So, I turned them down, took a page 11 entry and got off active duty but went active reserve...we got divorced 3 years later anyway but I still have my girls...and I never regretted my decision. Sure I miss my brothers and sisters and my beloved Corps but my kids always came first. Your kids should come first, too. Its just the right thing and there's always honor in that...

[Marine84]

There's not a thing you can say. The time for you to persue your "dream" was when you were single. You made a commitment to your wife, and then children, to be there for them and now you want to walk off and chase a "dream"? That's pretty selfish of you, don't you think? And, to top everything off, IF you do proceed with this you don't want to deploy much? Have you just gotten bored with your life and the whole routine?

Unless you took some other vow at your wedding, you committed to her for better or worse, sickness and in health til death do you part. Do you understand how HONORABLE a man really is that can stick to that committment and take care of a family and do the freakin right thing????? If you were single, I would say go for it, knock yourself out, give a damn what she had to say about it. But, you are married, and you don't need to leave her to handle everything while you go off to chase a dream.

Jim's right, your children ALONE should be reason enough for you not to do it. Sorry man, you asked.

[Mikewebe]

No two situations are the same. I regret not staying active after what I went through with my ex, and may consider going active again. But follow your heart. Do you want to be divorced and have 50% custody and not have followed your dream. Do you want to do the same and have followed your dream. If she ain't gonna back you though you at least deserve to know why. I think thats fair.

[YutYut]

In this Marines opinion, you should sit and discuss it with her. Discuss why it's so important to you. Discuss why it's so important to her for you NOT to do it. The two of you need to be on the same page and understand what's going on in the others brain housing group. I got out the past October (holy sh*t, almost a year ago!) and I miss it every day. My wife is about 7 years older than me and had already started a career, so I got out because I didn't think it was fair to give up her career and basically her masters just to follow me around for the next who knows how long. I regret getting out, now and she knows this. She says she understands what the Corps means to me and I believe her. I'm currently trying to find a way to get back to active duty without disrupting our lifestyle (or have the bank foreclose on the house) and she supports me in this...so long as things work out for us financially. We came to this conclusion because we talked about it. It took MONTHS for us to get to the point where we understood each others position very well. Once you two can see and empathize with where the other is coming from, only then will you be able to make a well informed decision. Your children should be a big influence in your decision making process. Why do you want to be an officer? If you don't want to deploy, why do you want to do this? Is it to simply "say" you did it or to accomplish some other goal? If becoming an officer means you'd have to deploy 7 months out of the year, every other year, would it be worth not seeing your wife and your children? That's really a personal decision.

Not knocking the advice from Big Jim or Marines84, every situation is different, but for me...well, when I gave up the Corps to be with my wife so that she didn't have to give up her career...it was just as unfair to me as it would have been to her. But I didn't discuss that with her until about 6 months ago. Now, you have kids so that may change things. Definitely can't speak from experience there. Just a different angle.

[1Marine4Life]

Well....even though this has been a dream and you may have wanted it all your life...you should realize that you have made a life-long committment to those kids and their mother. If she's not on board with this, you should re-think things here...are you doing this for yourself or them? Because your family will give you strength when times get hard and you'll have them to share your successes with as well as your failures and obstacles. If it were me and my choice...I'd definitely be re-thinking my choices if she didn't want to go the military way...because fr wives...its a lonely. hard road...waiting for you for months and even years while your overseas and she's at home running everything else...have you thought about that?

To me, my kids always came first...thats why I got off active duty...just before I did...I recieved orders to go overseas on an unaccompanied tour for 3 years!!! So, I turned them down, took a page 11 entry and got off active duty but went active reserve...we got divorced 3 years later anyway but I still have my girls...and I never regretted my decision. Sure I miss my brothers and sisters and my beloved Corps but my kids always came first. Your kids should come first, too. Its just the right thing and there's always honor in that...

My family does come first and I wouldn't give them up for any dream of mine. Some of my reasons for wanting to do this are for me and other reasons are for my family. I try to look at the big picture when it comes to these types of decisions. I'm constantly researching MOS's and other things not pertaining to the Corps. Sure, I know that there is no gaurantee in writing that you won't be deployed. Thats why I asked my OSO about the MOS's that rarely do. Come to find out, one of those on his list was something I was already looking at. Ultimately, if she is not completely on board, then I wont do it. My kids are but I don't really believe they fully understand so I don't place any weight on that. Their welfare is always first to me.

:usmc:

[Big Jim]

My family does come first and I wouldn't give them up for any dream of mine. Some of my reasons for wanting to do this are for me and other reasons are for my family. I try to look at the big picture when it comes to these types of decisions. I'm constantly researching MOS's and other things not pertaining to the Corps. Sure, I know that there is no gaurantee in writing that you won't be deployed. Thats why I asked my OSO about the MOS's that rarely do. Come to find out, one of those on his list was something I was already looking at. Ultimately, if she is not completely on board, then I wont do it. My kids are but I don't really believe they fully understand so I don't place any weight on that. Their welfare is always first to me.

:usmc:

WELL, IT LOOKS YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION...DIDN'T YOU?! IF YOU LEAVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS NOW...THEY'LL BE GONE FOREVER, ESPECIALLY IF THEY NOT ON BOARD...AND DON'T GET UPSET WITH ME BECAUSE YOU GOT A SLAP OF REALITY IN THE CHOPS!!! IF YOU WERE THINKING OF MORE THAN YOURSELF HERE...YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE ASKING ANYTHING...YOU'D KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS...INSTEAD OF HAVING TO BE REMINDED OF IT. THE FACT THAT YOU DO HAVE TO BE REMINDED, IN ITSELF, SPEAKS VOLUMES FOR YOUR CHARACTER...NOT FOR THE GOOD EITHER...GO HOME AND STAY MARRIED WITH YOUR WIFE AND KIDS. THEY DESERVE YOU MORE THAN THE CORPS DOES...THANK GOD...!!!

[Chumley]

While there are many negative effects on a family in the Corps, there can be many positive things as well. One of the biggest in my opinion is the ability to live all over the world. With exceptions, your family will travel to most of your duty stations with you. Your wife and kids will have experiences like none other if they stay rooted in a hometown neighborhood. Some of the most impressive Marines I met were also military brats who were very world cultured and well rounded long before they went into the Marines. One guy had lived in South America for a time in his early teens and became mulit-lingual and talked of so many great unique experiences.
There are sound arguments for both sides. The opinions expressed previously are that you need to thoroughly discuss this with your wife. Marraige is about compromise and sharing. That is great when it's mutual. It is not easy...it's a new day everyday. Good luck Marine!
SFi
C

[1Marine4Life]

There's not a thing you can say. The time for you to persue your "dream" was when you were single. You made a commitment to your wife, and then children, to be there for them and now you want to walk off and chase a "dream"? That's pretty selfish of you, don't you think? And, to top everything off, IF you do proceed with this you don't want to deploy much? Have you just gotten bored with your life and the whole routine?

Unless you took some other vow at your wedding, you committed to her for better or worse, sickness and in health til death do you part. Do you understand how HONORABLE a man really is that can stick to that committment and take care of a family and do the freakin right thing????? If you were single, I would say go for it, knock yourself out, give a damn what she had to say about it. But, you are married, and you don't need to leave her to handle everything while you go off to chase a dream.

Jim's right, your children ALONE should be reason enough for you not to do it. Sorry man, you asked.

I was never going to "walk off" and chase anything and leave anyone behind. If that were the case, I never would have mentioned anything to my wife about it. I would have just left. I married my wife because I love, honor, and cherish her. I can't even begin to explain the love I have for my kids. We've been together for 8 years (married for a little over 2 months) so I've been doing the right thing for a while now. I haven't gotten bored with my life at all. It's not that I dont want to deploy, I want an MOS that in the event that I do deploy, my family can go too. So you see, I haven't left my family out of any part of the process. I've always been up front with my wife about the whole thing. The OSO said that the odds of you getting your first MOS choice depends on how well you do at TBS but usually you will get your first choice. I dont even know if I've been cleared to go yet. Anyway, no apology needed 84. I would never leave my wife hanging like that. What kind of man would I be if I did that?

Thanks

:usmc:

[1Marine4Life]

WELL, IT LOOKS YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION...DIDN'T YOU?! IF YOU LEAVE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS NOW...THEY'LL BE GONE FOREVER, ESPECIALLY IF THEY NOT ON BOARD...AND DON'T GET UPSET WITH ME BECAUSE YOU GOT A SLAP OF REALITY IN THE CHOPS!!! IF YOU WERE THINKING OF MORE THAN YOURSELF HERE...YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE ASKING ANYTHING...YOU'D KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS...INSTEAD OF HAVING TO BE REMINDED OF IT. THE FACT THAT YOU DO HAVE TO BE REMINDED, IN ITSELF, SPEAKS VOLUMES FOR YOUR CHARACTER...NOT FOR THE GOOD EITHER...GO HOME AND STAY MARRIED WITH YOUR WIFE AND KIDS. THEY DESERVE YOU MORE THAN THE CORPS DOES...THANK GOD...!!!

Jim, why would I need to get upset? I asked the question. Chill. My wife is on the fence right now. She doesn't know if she's good with this or not. If she isn't, then on to something else. Regardless to what you think, I've never kept my family in the dark about any of this. I don't need to be reminded of anything because me and my wife talk everyday. I dont think my character is in question here because I'm not going to lose my family over anything. I would love to be back in the Corps but not at the expense of my family. I asked the question because I wanted to hear from some spouses that are or have been in that situation. I dont even know if I can go yet. My wife comes to me about things she might want to do and if I dont think it's a good idea, she wont do it. If I'm on the fence, we talk about why and weigh the pros and cons of the matter. If I'm all in, then I'm all in. I don't make any final decisions without her. You cant fault me for wanting to pursue something. However, I wont do anything without her. If you thought I was upset because of something you said, believe me I'm not. I actually agreed with what you said.
:usmc:

[1Marine4Life]

While there are many negative effects on a family in the Corps, there can be many positive things as well. One of the biggest in my opinion is the ability to live all over the world. With exceptions, your family will travel to most of your duty stations with you. Your wife and kids will have experiences like none other if they stay rooted in a hometown neighborhood. Some of the most impressive Marines I met were also military brats who were very world cultured and well rounded long before they went into the Marines. One guy had lived in South America for a time in his early teens and became mulit-lingual and talked of so many great unique experiences.
There are sound arguments for both sides. The opinions expressed previously are that you need to thoroughly discuss this with your wife. Marraige is about compromise and sharing. That is great when it's mutual. It is not easy...it's a new day everyday. Good luck Marine!
SFi
C

Thank you. Like I told 84 and Big Jim, she's on the fence and thats understandable with all thats going on right now. I havent been given the green light yet so we'll discuss it until we reach a mutual conclusion and I'll keep everyone posted.

Ooh Rah:usmc:

[1Marine4Life]

In this Marines opinion, you should sit and discuss it with her. Discuss why it's so important to you. Discuss why it's so important to her for you NOT to do it. The two of you need to be on the same page and understand what's going on in the others brain housing group. I got out the past October (holy sh*t, almost a year ago!) and I miss it every day. My wife is about 7 years older than me and had already started a career, so I got out because I didn't think it was fair to give up her career and basically her masters just to follow me around for the next who knows how long. I regret getting out, now and she knows this. She says she understands what the Corps means to me and I believe her. I'm currently trying to find a way to get back to active duty without disrupting our lifestyle (or have the bank foreclose on the house) and she supports me in this...so long as things work out for us financially. We came to this conclusion because we talked about it. It took MONTHS for us to get to the point where we understood each others position very well. Once you two can see and empathize with where the other is coming from, only then will you be able to make a well informed decision. Your children should be a big influence in your decision making process. Why do you want to be an officer? If you don't want to deploy, why do you want to do this? Is it to simply "say" you did it or to accomplish some other goal? If becoming an officer means you'd have to deploy 7 months out of the year, every other year, would it be worth not seeing your wife and your children? That's really a personal decision.

Not knocking the advice from Big Jim or Marines84, every situation is different, but for me...well, when I gave up the Corps to be with my wife so that she didn't have to give up her career...it was just as unfair to me as it would have been to her. But I didn't discuss that with her until about 6 months ago. Now, you have kids so that may change things. Definitely can't speak from experience there. Just a different angle.

I agree. She just graduated from college last Saturday and she's already in the Masters program. I'll be done in May. Right now she is frustrated because she has been done with her Bachelor's for a while now (she chose to attend a later ceremony so that her mom could attend) and she hasnt been able to find a job. She's been out of work for a few months. The job offers she does get are not even in the same field and pay a lot less than what you would think having a degree warrants. She's thought about oing into nursing. I've been on my job for over a year now. I hate everyday of it but I gotta do what I gotta do, you know? I not going to be selfish and not consider her outlook on this whole thing. I just need to know why she's not on board if she indeed isn't. We'll keep talking about it until we reach a decision. As far as my children, I just want them to be well rounded individuals and see there mother and I as strong, loving parents that will do anything for them. That will happen regardless of whether I'm cleared to go or not.
:usmc: