anewpariah
08-20-08, 06:05 PM
Ever utter the words “It’s cold”… ever
Real men aren’t stopped by pesky things like low temperatures. If there is a shelter to be built, Nazis to be killed, or wood to be chopped, you can bet there is also a blizzard going on outside. It is how the universe works. We can never have anything nice.
Peeing outside… at least once a week… is mandatory
Sometimes a man just has to turn off the TV, stand up, walk outside, and **** all over a tree. Dogs do this to mark their territory, men do it to feel the cool breeze on our ba lls and maybe, if you have enough, draw a little picture in the sand or snow. Maybe write your name. Maybe half your name. You never know if you’ll have enough.
You must have the right tool for the job… ALWAYS
Two screwdrivers, a set of hex keys, a hammer, a wrench, a saw, and a roll of duct tape are all the tools you should ever need to do any job. Every man should have these things hanging somewhere around the house in a drawer, toolbox, or preferably a shed. If you do not have these things you should be mocked and beaten publicly. No exceptions.
Serving friends warm beer
Nothing in this world is a bigger mockery to a guest than to hand him an alcohol beverage that hasn’t been refrigerated for at least three hours prior. It might as well be a slap in the face with a metal gauntlet. In some states it is grounds for a duel. Thomas Jefferson once killed a man on the front lawn of the White House for giving him a warm beer. Just don’t do it, man. Just don’t.
Failing to build a fire right the first time
You have built the pit and gathered the kindling and firewood. If you can’t light that mother fvcker you fail at life. Rubbing two sticks together takes all the intelligence and manliness of an eight year old boy scout. Even then, a man should always have a lighter, even if you don’t smoke. We have harnessed fire, we all should use it.
Going three days without breaking something all to hell
A real man fvcks something up beyond repair at least twice a week. Most of the time you can just hide it under a rug or in the back of a closet and no one will ever find it or question you. Sometimes you get busted and have to explain yourself. You can either blame the dog or claim it was made wrong, the former only working if you actually have a dog.
Discussing your feelings
Feelings should only be discussed with a woman, and only after you have tied the knot and share the same fvcking bills. If another man tries to discuss his feelings with you, punch him in the arm, mock him relentlessly, and immediately tear up his man-card right in his face, that g-damn traitor. Then you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask why you have friends who want to discuss feelings. Go to a dive bar, find an old man, and buy him some whiskey to tell you some war stories. It will make you feel better.
Deciding to go with the smaller whatever you’re buying
Especially when we are talking vehicles and televisions. Every time I see a man driving a Kia it hurts my heart. Screw the environment and screw high gas prices. A real man will pay $500 dollars a week to not look like a fvcking girl on the freeway. I know what you are thinking and keep your politics out of my damn man-editorial. This is fun, that is real life. Let’s try not to mix the two.
You flip a steak once
Do not fvck with me on this. If you turn a steak over more than once in Communist China they will kill your first-born child, and rightly so. Not that I ever agree with communists or anything they do. They should kill your second born as well. Bastard steak-ruiners. And bastard commie pus sies!
as according to shoutwire.com
Real men aren’t stopped by pesky things like low temperatures. If there is a shelter to be built, Nazis to be killed, or wood to be chopped, you can bet there is also a blizzard going on outside. It is how the universe works. We can never have anything nice.
Peeing outside… at least once a week… is mandatory
Sometimes a man just has to turn off the TV, stand up, walk outside, and **** all over a tree. Dogs do this to mark their territory, men do it to feel the cool breeze on our ba lls and maybe, if you have enough, draw a little picture in the sand or snow. Maybe write your name. Maybe half your name. You never know if you’ll have enough.
You must have the right tool for the job… ALWAYS
Two screwdrivers, a set of hex keys, a hammer, a wrench, a saw, and a roll of duct tape are all the tools you should ever need to do any job. Every man should have these things hanging somewhere around the house in a drawer, toolbox, or preferably a shed. If you do not have these things you should be mocked and beaten publicly. No exceptions.
Serving friends warm beer
Nothing in this world is a bigger mockery to a guest than to hand him an alcohol beverage that hasn’t been refrigerated for at least three hours prior. It might as well be a slap in the face with a metal gauntlet. In some states it is grounds for a duel. Thomas Jefferson once killed a man on the front lawn of the White House for giving him a warm beer. Just don’t do it, man. Just don’t.
Failing to build a fire right the first time
You have built the pit and gathered the kindling and firewood. If you can’t light that mother fvcker you fail at life. Rubbing two sticks together takes all the intelligence and manliness of an eight year old boy scout. Even then, a man should always have a lighter, even if you don’t smoke. We have harnessed fire, we all should use it.
Going three days without breaking something all to hell
A real man fvcks something up beyond repair at least twice a week. Most of the time you can just hide it under a rug or in the back of a closet and no one will ever find it or question you. Sometimes you get busted and have to explain yourself. You can either blame the dog or claim it was made wrong, the former only working if you actually have a dog.
Discussing your feelings
Feelings should only be discussed with a woman, and only after you have tied the knot and share the same fvcking bills. If another man tries to discuss his feelings with you, punch him in the arm, mock him relentlessly, and immediately tear up his man-card right in his face, that g-damn traitor. Then you need to look yourself in the mirror and ask why you have friends who want to discuss feelings. Go to a dive bar, find an old man, and buy him some whiskey to tell you some war stories. It will make you feel better.
Deciding to go with the smaller whatever you’re buying
Especially when we are talking vehicles and televisions. Every time I see a man driving a Kia it hurts my heart. Screw the environment and screw high gas prices. A real man will pay $500 dollars a week to not look like a fvcking girl on the freeway. I know what you are thinking and keep your politics out of my damn man-editorial. This is fun, that is real life. Let’s try not to mix the two.
You flip a steak once
Do not fvck with me on this. If you turn a steak over more than once in Communist China they will kill your first-born child, and rightly so. Not that I ever agree with communists or anything they do. They should kill your second born as well. Bastard steak-ruiners. And bastard commie pus sies!
as according to shoutwire.com