thedrifter
05-11-03, 08:15 AM
Article ran : 05/11/2003
Trying times for moms
By MATT DEES
DAILY NEWS STAFF
The war in Iraq created thousands of single-parent homes virtually overnight with no indication of when that would change, if ever.
This Mother’s Day, many wives and children across the area are thankful their once-indefinite ordeal soon could end.
But that’s not to say it hasn’t been difficult, or that it won’t continue to be.
In fact, a war-time deployment is such a traumatic experience for families that many go through some of the same phases as a person coping with the death of a loved one.
The first stage is shock, said Mary Caldwell, director of the New Parent Support Program at Camp Lejeune.
“Even though they know their spouse is an active-duty Marine, many just don’t think about the possibility that their husband would be deployed,” she said.
Next is anger, interspersed with feelings of pride.
Many wives are angry that their husbands have been taken from them so abruptly and that the departure means a world of added stress and worry.
Caldwell said they cope with those feelings by focusing on the nobility of their spouse’s duty.
“They start to see some connection to what their husbands have to do,” Caldwell said.
“They have a mission as well to take care of the family and carry on without him.”
This leads, for many, to acceptance.
“They start to decide how they’re going to take care of their children,” Caldwell said.
“They carry on with their day-to-day lives.”
But even the day-to-day isn’t easy, especially for those with minds half a world away.
Homefires burning
Gloria Briggs, a mother of four with a husband overseas, confessed to going through all three stages.
“All of a sudden he was here and then gone one day,” she said, describing her shock stage.
“But I just kept telling myself, ‘It’s his job, and I’m very proud of him.’
“Not many people can call themselves United States Marines.”
She said her worry has been contagious, making homelife tense at times.
“It’s been hard,” said Briggs, another mother of four with a husband overseas.
“They feel my stress. We’ve all had our own emotions dealing with it.”
Her kids have stayed connected to their father, Edward, in part by glancing frequently at what he calls his “I Love Me” wall.
That’s a wall in the living room filled with pictures of him during happy times.
“It’s helped,” Briggs said. “It really has.”
Caldwell said it’s important for children to feel their father as a constant presence.
But just the opposite strategy has worked for Dawn Edinger, another mother of four children, ages 5 and under.
Any mention of Daddy brings tears to the eyes of her and her young brood.
“Once I start thinking about it, then I get down and don’t want to do anything,” Edinger said.
The bustle inherent in these large households often can provide a needed distraction.
Keeping up with four kids leaves less time to dwell on the uncertainties and fears.
Plus, making sure routines are kept helps the children move forward, Caldwell said.
“This is a time when they really need (their parent) and they need to feel more secure in their current environment,” she said.
But keeping up also can be overwhelming with no one there to take the buck.
“Just getting the kids in the car takes a half an hour,” Edinger said.
Dinnertime is the most hectic, with all the kids clamoring to be fed, physically and emotionally.
“I’ve got three plates to cut up before I even think about eating mine,” Edinger said during a rare quiet moment at her Camp Lejeune home.
“By the time I eat, it’s all cold.”
Still, Edinger said she’s been able to press on, adding that she only went through one of the stages: the last one.
“I pretty much just fall into the category of ‘just do it,’” she said.
“I know it’s his job. If he was a businessman that had to take trips all the time, it would be the same thing.”
Quiet struggle
Unlike Briggs and Edinger, Autumn Letendre has more trouble finding ways to occupy herself.
Her first son, Dylan, was born March 18, months after his father, Brian, was deployed.
Letendre’s keeping a journal of all Dylan’s firsts, and taking pictures.
But it’s just not the same.
“You’re sharing everything with you,” Letendre said.
“You wish that your partner was there to share everything with you.”
She’s worried Dylan won’t have any connection with his father when he returns, so she plays a recording of his father’s voice frequently.
Of course, Letendre is used to her husband being gone.
Out of two years of marriage to the Marine lieutenant, they have only shared 86 days together.
But this time is different, for her as well as him.
“He had always dreamed of being a Marine,” Letendre said of her husband.
“But there’s a part of him that’s now moved from the ‘ooh-rah’ part of being a Marine to the softer side of being a dad.”
Support and silver lining
All three women have leaned on various organizations for support.
Briggs is an active Key Volunteer, an organization that provides a network for spouses of deployed Marines. “They’ve all been there for me,” she said.
Edinger has her church. “When I don’t have to deal with the military, I don’t,” she said.
And Letendre has relied on her fellow teachers at Clyde Erwin Elementary School. “That’s really made a big difference,” she said.
These organizations are important, Caldwell said, to keep wives from feeling isolated.
“When they meet other people, they really start pulling out of that despondency,” she said.
And there’s more reason for hope now.
Both Edinger and Letendre heard from their husbands in the last few days, and Briggs already is gearing up for the homecoming.
“I’m just so anxious for him to get back,” she said.
“It’s just going to be like falling in love all over again.”
In the meantime, the mothers simply will have to keep up their amazing juggling act.
Caldwell, for one, feels confident that won’t be a problem.
“These are super moms,” she said.“They really are.”
Contact Matt Dees at mdees@
jdnews.com or 353-1171, Ext. 239.
Sempers,
Roger
Trying times for moms
By MATT DEES
DAILY NEWS STAFF
The war in Iraq created thousands of single-parent homes virtually overnight with no indication of when that would change, if ever.
This Mother’s Day, many wives and children across the area are thankful their once-indefinite ordeal soon could end.
But that’s not to say it hasn’t been difficult, or that it won’t continue to be.
In fact, a war-time deployment is such a traumatic experience for families that many go through some of the same phases as a person coping with the death of a loved one.
The first stage is shock, said Mary Caldwell, director of the New Parent Support Program at Camp Lejeune.
“Even though they know their spouse is an active-duty Marine, many just don’t think about the possibility that their husband would be deployed,” she said.
Next is anger, interspersed with feelings of pride.
Many wives are angry that their husbands have been taken from them so abruptly and that the departure means a world of added stress and worry.
Caldwell said they cope with those feelings by focusing on the nobility of their spouse’s duty.
“They start to see some connection to what their husbands have to do,” Caldwell said.
“They have a mission as well to take care of the family and carry on without him.”
This leads, for many, to acceptance.
“They start to decide how they’re going to take care of their children,” Caldwell said.
“They carry on with their day-to-day lives.”
But even the day-to-day isn’t easy, especially for those with minds half a world away.
Homefires burning
Gloria Briggs, a mother of four with a husband overseas, confessed to going through all three stages.
“All of a sudden he was here and then gone one day,” she said, describing her shock stage.
“But I just kept telling myself, ‘It’s his job, and I’m very proud of him.’
“Not many people can call themselves United States Marines.”
She said her worry has been contagious, making homelife tense at times.
“It’s been hard,” said Briggs, another mother of four with a husband overseas.
“They feel my stress. We’ve all had our own emotions dealing with it.”
Her kids have stayed connected to their father, Edward, in part by glancing frequently at what he calls his “I Love Me” wall.
That’s a wall in the living room filled with pictures of him during happy times.
“It’s helped,” Briggs said. “It really has.”
Caldwell said it’s important for children to feel their father as a constant presence.
But just the opposite strategy has worked for Dawn Edinger, another mother of four children, ages 5 and under.
Any mention of Daddy brings tears to the eyes of her and her young brood.
“Once I start thinking about it, then I get down and don’t want to do anything,” Edinger said.
The bustle inherent in these large households often can provide a needed distraction.
Keeping up with four kids leaves less time to dwell on the uncertainties and fears.
Plus, making sure routines are kept helps the children move forward, Caldwell said.
“This is a time when they really need (their parent) and they need to feel more secure in their current environment,” she said.
But keeping up also can be overwhelming with no one there to take the buck.
“Just getting the kids in the car takes a half an hour,” Edinger said.
Dinnertime is the most hectic, with all the kids clamoring to be fed, physically and emotionally.
“I’ve got three plates to cut up before I even think about eating mine,” Edinger said during a rare quiet moment at her Camp Lejeune home.
“By the time I eat, it’s all cold.”
Still, Edinger said she’s been able to press on, adding that she only went through one of the stages: the last one.
“I pretty much just fall into the category of ‘just do it,’” she said.
“I know it’s his job. If he was a businessman that had to take trips all the time, it would be the same thing.”
Quiet struggle
Unlike Briggs and Edinger, Autumn Letendre has more trouble finding ways to occupy herself.
Her first son, Dylan, was born March 18, months after his father, Brian, was deployed.
Letendre’s keeping a journal of all Dylan’s firsts, and taking pictures.
But it’s just not the same.
“You’re sharing everything with you,” Letendre said.
“You wish that your partner was there to share everything with you.”
She’s worried Dylan won’t have any connection with his father when he returns, so she plays a recording of his father’s voice frequently.
Of course, Letendre is used to her husband being gone.
Out of two years of marriage to the Marine lieutenant, they have only shared 86 days together.
But this time is different, for her as well as him.
“He had always dreamed of being a Marine,” Letendre said of her husband.
“But there’s a part of him that’s now moved from the ‘ooh-rah’ part of being a Marine to the softer side of being a dad.”
Support and silver lining
All three women have leaned on various organizations for support.
Briggs is an active Key Volunteer, an organization that provides a network for spouses of deployed Marines. “They’ve all been there for me,” she said.
Edinger has her church. “When I don’t have to deal with the military, I don’t,” she said.
And Letendre has relied on her fellow teachers at Clyde Erwin Elementary School. “That’s really made a big difference,” she said.
These organizations are important, Caldwell said, to keep wives from feeling isolated.
“When they meet other people, they really start pulling out of that despondency,” she said.
And there’s more reason for hope now.
Both Edinger and Letendre heard from their husbands in the last few days, and Briggs already is gearing up for the homecoming.
“I’m just so anxious for him to get back,” she said.
“It’s just going to be like falling in love all over again.”
In the meantime, the mothers simply will have to keep up their amazing juggling act.
Caldwell, for one, feels confident that won’t be a problem.
“These are super moms,” she said.“They really are.”
Contact Matt Dees at mdees@
jdnews.com or 353-1171, Ext. 239.
Sempers,
Roger