thedrifter
05-08-08, 08:08 AM
May 8, 2008
With Compassionate Friends, grief is more bearable
Mark Hare
The loss of a child, says Miriam Velez, "is the greatest loss you can suffer. You don't expect someone to die at 21. You don't know what kind of life he would have had, or how many children."
It has been a great help, Velez says, to be able to talk to others who have also lost a child through the Compassionate Friends of Rochester. "Every loss is different, but the same as well," she says. Compassionate Friends helps people deal with that day every parent lives in dread of.
Velez's adoptive son and nephew, Marine Cpl. Reynold Armand, was killed last August in Iraq. His death is still under review, Velez says. Armand, 21, was assigned to a security team in Balad at the time of his death. He had been home on leave just weeks before he was killed.
Armand joined the Marines right after his graduation from Eastridge High School in 2004. He was sent to Iraq in early 2007. He was inspired to join by the late Victor Velez, Miriam's husband and Armand's uncle and adoptive father. Velez had served in the Marines, too.
Armand was committed to completing his stint with the Marines, but he did not plan to re-enlist, Velez says. He was thinking of studying business administration.
In 2001, Velez's husband, Victor, died from complications of diabetes. And just last month, she lost her aunt and her father. So Miriam Velez has had to deal with more than her share of death. After her husband died, "I was depressed, "she says. "I wanted to lock myself in my room and not deal with anyone." But she has learned that it's important to find a way to deal with her loss and grief.
"People say to me, 'You're so strong; I don't know how you do it,'" she says. "It's good to hear that, but sometimes even a strong person falls down."
Sharing her journey with others in Compassionate Friends has helped keep her on her feet. After Armand's death, she says, "I didn't want people to stay away because they didn't know what to say." But she knows some people did.
In the group, people get it when she speaks. "We all cry and we feel free to share our emotions." Velez says she will never forget her son's "beautiful smile or his love for his family."
Joining the Marines," she says, "was something he had to do. He didn't really have a sense of direction yet. So he thought he could see the world, see a lot of diversity and start to figure out things." It was not to be.
Compassionate Friends has made the struggle more bearable. And to help grieving parents and anyone who supports them better understand, the group is hosting a program on May 19 with Darcie Sims, an internationally recognized speaker and writer, who is also president and co-founder of GRIEF Inc., a grief consulting business and the director of the American Grief Academy in Seattle.
Sims' talk is titled "Tissues and Tears: Exploring the Myths and Mysteries of Crying as it Relates to the Grief Process."
"Me being a Christian," Velez, says, "has given me strength." But walking with parents who have been in her shoes makes the journey a lot more bearable.
Ellie
With Compassionate Friends, grief is more bearable
Mark Hare
The loss of a child, says Miriam Velez, "is the greatest loss you can suffer. You don't expect someone to die at 21. You don't know what kind of life he would have had, or how many children."
It has been a great help, Velez says, to be able to talk to others who have also lost a child through the Compassionate Friends of Rochester. "Every loss is different, but the same as well," she says. Compassionate Friends helps people deal with that day every parent lives in dread of.
Velez's adoptive son and nephew, Marine Cpl. Reynold Armand, was killed last August in Iraq. His death is still under review, Velez says. Armand, 21, was assigned to a security team in Balad at the time of his death. He had been home on leave just weeks before he was killed.
Armand joined the Marines right after his graduation from Eastridge High School in 2004. He was sent to Iraq in early 2007. He was inspired to join by the late Victor Velez, Miriam's husband and Armand's uncle and adoptive father. Velez had served in the Marines, too.
Armand was committed to completing his stint with the Marines, but he did not plan to re-enlist, Velez says. He was thinking of studying business administration.
In 2001, Velez's husband, Victor, died from complications of diabetes. And just last month, she lost her aunt and her father. So Miriam Velez has had to deal with more than her share of death. After her husband died, "I was depressed, "she says. "I wanted to lock myself in my room and not deal with anyone." But she has learned that it's important to find a way to deal with her loss and grief.
"People say to me, 'You're so strong; I don't know how you do it,'" she says. "It's good to hear that, but sometimes even a strong person falls down."
Sharing her journey with others in Compassionate Friends has helped keep her on her feet. After Armand's death, she says, "I didn't want people to stay away because they didn't know what to say." But she knows some people did.
In the group, people get it when she speaks. "We all cry and we feel free to share our emotions." Velez says she will never forget her son's "beautiful smile or his love for his family."
Joining the Marines," she says, "was something he had to do. He didn't really have a sense of direction yet. So he thought he could see the world, see a lot of diversity and start to figure out things." It was not to be.
Compassionate Friends has made the struggle more bearable. And to help grieving parents and anyone who supports them better understand, the group is hosting a program on May 19 with Darcie Sims, an internationally recognized speaker and writer, who is also president and co-founder of GRIEF Inc., a grief consulting business and the director of the American Grief Academy in Seattle.
Sims' talk is titled "Tissues and Tears: Exploring the Myths and Mysteries of Crying as it Relates to the Grief Process."
"Me being a Christian," Velez, says, "has given me strength." But walking with parents who have been in her shoes makes the journey a lot more bearable.
Ellie