Not a Spouse yet either!

[pinkgurl]

Hi everyone! I ran across this thread and thought I would introduce myself as well. I am engaged...well not yet, I have to give him a straight answer. =P

I was hoping to find a thread where I can ask advice. This would be our second marriage (we were each prev. married to other people) and he is really being pushy about the situation.

I want to wait until he gets back from a 17mo. deployment but he wants to do it before. I can handle the deployment no problem, but don't want to get married right before he leaves.


Any advice?!?

[Big Jim]

Hi everyone! I ran across this thread and thought I would introduce myself as well. I am engaged...well not yet, I have to give him a straight answer. =P

I was hoping to find a thread where I can ask advice. This would be our second marriage (we were each prev. married to other people) and he is really being pushy about the situation.

I want to wait until he gets back from a 17mo. deployment but he wants to do it before. I can handle the deployment no problem, but don't want to get married right before he leaves.


Any advice?!?



Whats stopping you?

[pinkgurl]

He seems very interested in telling me just how much money he can make married. I am not in it for the money, but I think he wants me to help him earn that money.

Besides he leaves in July and wants to get married in June, I would like to be married awhile before he leaves. I asked him if he would be ok with us staying as is until he gets back and that is pretty much a no go for him. =/

[Big Jim]

He seems very interested in telling me just how much money he can make married. I am not in it for the money, but I think he wants me to help him earn that money.

Besides he leaves in July and wants to get married in June, I would like to be married awhile before he leaves. I asked him if he would be ok with us staying as is until he gets back and that is pretty much a no go for him. =/

Are marriage plans in your guys future anyway? I think you're misunderstanding him...its not just for the money, (I hope), but you'll be an active duty military dependent. This means you get Tri-care health insurance which is free for the military and their dependents at civilian hospitals as well as getting a certain amount of money just for being married. If this isn't what you want to do or if you don't want this part of the deal in the equation of "getting married", let him know because he just might being sure that you're getting taken care of all the "just in case" scenarios you'll run into alone, you know?! But if or when you get married, these benefits and a few more are available to you, ok? I know thats what I would want for the girl I wanted to marry, especially if I was in his situation. Hope this helps!!

[pinkgurl]

True, I guess I didn't think of it that way. I want him to know that it is him that I want to marry, not his job, money or anything else. *cheesy I know* lol

We've been talking about marriage for awhile now and then all of a sudden he brought up that he can volunteer to go on a deployment because he'll make X amount of dollars and he is really pushing for us to get married before.

[Artemis]

Well I would say have a civil ceremony before he goes. If you have been talking about it for a while then he wants to be with you not just for the money. Getting married before he goes would benefit you both financially and because of health care provided. Then when he gets back have a nice wedding if you so chose. That's just my 2 cents.

[Idena]

A 17 month deployment? Holy sheep.

Anyway, if you want to marry him in the long run, then you might as well do it now. My husband & I were always of the mindset that once you're sure you want to marry someone, then you should be sure enough to marry them tomorrow. If you're not that confident, then you're not really "ready".

So the long & the short is that if you know you want to marry him, then June shouldn't be any different from next year.

Just my two cents.

[Isrowei]

To be honest.. if I was leaving for 17 months and I wanted a prayer of a chance for the girl to still be there for me when I get back (and not to have cheated on me), I'd want to get married too.

"Just dating" or even "engaged" doesn't carry a lot of weight in todays world unfortunately. Even marriage for some.. but there's usually hope that a person would respect marriage vows even they would justify an "oopsie" in a "just-dating" relationship.

Might not be what he's thinking, but I sure would. 17 months is a looong time. Hearts and minds tend to wander...

Also, marriage affords you benefits in case he gets hurt that you would otherwise not be entitled to. I don't know what his family life is like, but maybe he wants you to be the one to handle his affairs if something should happen to him.

Things to think about.

But if you're ready to marry him "sometime".. then you should be ready him tomorrow. Otherwise, don't fool yourself. You're not ready.

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

Also think of it like this, and i'm kind of running with a little bit of what the LT said. Being engaged doesn't seem to mean as much to people as it used to, and as a military man, he has seen and heard things about wives/girlfriends/fiances back home that might have him nervous. He may be feeling like if you are his wife, he will not have to be afraid that you will find someone new or better in his absense.

Also when starting a family and a life together, while money is not motivation, it will help you guys start out on the right foot. Be able to furnish your home, both have a reliable vehicle, and take the vacation you two deserve when he gets home.

If i were you i would sit down and discuss all of the angles.

Good Luck!

[pinkgurl]

Wow! Thank you all for your points of view. We talked about it last night and a few PMs with Big Jim. So hopefully we can get our plan straight.

I do want to marry him and I'd be ready tomorrow had he not brought the money part up.
Maybe I am a bit leary about it because it is the reason he took the depoyment for that reason.

I don't want to leave myself open to the possability of him changing his mind after 17 months being gone. This is after all a second marriage for the both of us. =P

[Phantom Blooper]

I won't get into the ins and outs of the marriage thing....but I will say that being on deployment is one of the best ways to save money.

There are a few things that after a period of time one gets extra money for I.E. sea pay,hazardous duty pay and a few others.

There is not much to spend money on in war and the same goes for a regular deployment.

So if he banks (SIC) his monies right there should be a nice nest egg when he returns. In my opine without looking at the LOVE thing he is making a sound decision for both of your future. Or at least one helluva party when he returns!:beer:

What is his rank?

:evilgrin:

[pinkgurl]

haha the party is the scary part! Does he intend to keep me after the deployment is the root of all this. lol There are way too many Contract marriages floating around his base. I am just hoping that is not behind his recent push to rush things.

He is an e-5

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

Consider this. Do you think after one failed marriage already, that he is going to do something that he already knows is flawed? Don't lose faith in him, like i said. Look at all the angles.

[pinkgurl]

True... very true. =/ Wow.. this is taking more thinking that I expected! lol Whoever said "all you need is Love"... must have lived a fairy tale. lol

[pinkgurl]

Hey Everyone! Thank you for your advice. I am going to close this thread now. I think I need to sit down and get to the root of my hesitation and his motivation towards it. lol

Once again THANK YOU!!

[Big Jim]

True... very true. =/ Wow.. this is taking more thinking that I expected! lol Whoever said "all you need is Love"... must have lived a fairy tale. lol

I think his intentions are in the right place if his communications were a little unclear. But, like I said, its all up to you and what YOU want to do. I remember you saying this was a volunteer deployment for him...are you sure about that? Most deployments aren't voluntary. If it is voluntary for him, why can;t you just talk into staying and go on deployment at a later time while you guys start your life together? Afterall, that's what you're worried about isn't it? Him not wanting youafter 17 months? I don' think that'd be the case but if he has the poweer to do that he might change his mind if you talked to him about your fear...and all this will go away!

[Artemis]

WTF....where is he going for 17 months. Never heard of a deployment that long.

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

I want bigjim to come to my house and mediate my wife and i when we argue. Semper Fi Sgt.
:)

[Big Jim]

I want bigjim to come to my house and mediate my wife and i when we argue. Semper Fi Sgt.
:)

LOL!! Anytime brother!!! I charge a BBQ and a few beers! SF that!

[Big Jim]

WTF....where is he going for 17 months. Never heard of a deployment that long.

I was wondering that too? I thought accompanied deployments were longer? I could be wrong...I don't know? Anyone...?

[pinkgurl]

He said it is to Iraq. He needs me to make up my mind by May 20th. I am like WTH...

And yes we all need a Big Jim in our lives!! lol You are too good!

[Artemis]

last I knew deployemnts to Iraq were only 6 to 9 months

[pinkgurl]

Mmmhmmm... red flag! lol

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

LOL!! Anytime brother!!! I charge a BBQ and a few beers! SF that!

Just so happens Jim i got myself a brand new weber, and whatever your poison is, my fridge will be well stocked with it.

[Big Jim]

last I knew deployemnts to Iraq were only 6 to 9 months


Aww, shucks, guys...thanks! I try to help, thats all!

But Tati, this Iraq deployment thing does look like a red flag!!

..and MOG, lets baptize that new Weber grill, man!! I'll bring some steaks and beer!

[Artemis]

Big Jim looks like everyone wants a piece of your time.

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

..and MOG, lets baptize that new Weber grill, man!! I'll bring some steaks and beer!

You shall do no such thing! BBQ & Beer on the house. All you have to do is show up, well, and of course, make my wife listen to reason.
:bunny:

[Big Jim]

Big Jim looks like everyone wants a piece of your time.

huh...??? Danny...just grab a beer and a steak! LOL!! ;)

[Big Jim]

You shall do no such thing! BBQ & Beer on the house. All you have to do is show up, well, and of course, make my wife listen to reason.
:bunny:


I know...its a small price to pay isn't it? To have the woman you love to just understand what you think so you two can be on the same page means everything to me, too! Just calm, logical reasoning is all it takes...that and wading through all those FEELINGS they have! It used to scare me...and I'm not scared of anything! LOL!

[pinkgurl]

...that and wading through all those FEELINGS they have! It used to scare me...and I'm not scared of anything! LOL!

Haha it never ceases to amaze me! You guys are trained killers and all it takes is a few tears and "whatever" to put the fear of God in you!! lol

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

Haha it never ceases to amaze me! You guys are trained killers and all it takes is a few tears and "whatever" to put the fear of God in you!! lol

We're not killers. We're Marines. Killing is just a tool that we have to use to ensure the continued freedom of our beloved nation. Now grab a beer pinkgurl, we're trying to have a BBQ here.
:banana:

[pinkgurl]

lol ok! lol Please forgive me... I live near CP.. yeah. lol

Beer... mmm a nice Hefe with a queeze of lemon... mmm.

[phantasm]

I know I'll probably get jumped for posting in here. But if I may, when I was in the Guard my wife and I pushed our wedding date back. I didn't want to deploy and leave her stateside as a non-spouse. I preffered to have her covered by insurance and have access to base and what not while I was gone.

I know these points have been made, just throwing it out there. I wish you two the best of luck.

[pinkgurl]

Nah Phantasm... we're too busy drinking and BBQing now. lol Thanks for your input!

[Phantom Blooper]

Wrong ANSWER Phantasm.....If you know you are not supposed to post WHY the hell are you posting? DOUBLE DUH?:evilgrin:

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

Uh oh, some one riled him up. Stand by for 79 rounds coming down range.

[phantasm]

Wrong ANSWER Phantasm.....If you know you are not supposed to post WHY the hell are you posting? DOUBLE DUH?:evilgrin:

Because I had relevant data for the youg woman. I'm not a poolee, I'm actually family of a Marine (my younger brother), I have 5 yrs prior service in 2 seperate branches, so while I respect your rank Ssgt, get off your damn horse. :D I'm not some little 17-19 yr old kid you can scare with your tough talk.

[MotivatorOfTheGuard]

You must be high and just lost your effing mind. I'm assuming that because you spent 5 years in two branches, that you could not hack it in one, and the other one was willing to take you. Irregardless, while a guest on this site you will not disrespect its members, especially a SNCO. That holds true for all branches, so you as a former military member should know better.

Phantom Blooper doesn't need to "scare" you with "tough talk". You should know better, and the fact of the matter is you cannot handle someone correcting you which show's your own personal maturity. We have poolees and wannabe's who have enough sense and tact to be respectful of the members of this site.

/endrant

[phantasm]

You must be high and just lost your effing mind. I'm assuming that because you spent 5 years in two branches, that you could not hack it in one, and the other one was willing to take you. Irregardless, while a guest on this site you will not disrespect its members, especially a SNCO. That holds true for all branches, so you as a former military member should know better.

Phantom Blooper doesn't need to "scare" you with "tough talk". You should know better, and the fact of the matter is you cannot handle someone correcting you which show's your own personal maturity. We have poolees and wannabe's who have enough sense and tact to be respectful of the members of this site.

/endrant

I have all the respect in the world for this sites members. But I won't be talked to like that. Not by anyone. Oh, and I could hack it, the reason I left the first branch is medical. Not that its any of your business. Didn't mean to ruin this thread, just had some input for the nice young lady, guess I should've PM'd her. Oh well.