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Matt Brzycki
02-14-08, 02:44 PM
This is my all-time favorite story from when I was a DI at San Diego from 1978-79. It was a Sunday during the early part of 1979. We received word from the series gunny that "all privates would go to church." On Sundays, there was only one DI on duty for each of the four platoons in the series. So, one DI in our series would take all of the Catholics from the series, another the Protestants and so on.

This particular Sunday, I had the Catholics. First, I told all of my Catholics to "get on the road" - which made up the vast majority of the recruits in our series - and then all of the Protestants to do the same (reporting to another DI from our series). That left one recruit in the squad bay. I went over to him - an Asian recruit - and asked, "What the Hell are you?" He responded, "Sir, the private is Buddhist, sir." I replied, "Well, today you're Catholic! Now get on the road!" Imagine doing that now in our politically correct world? I'd probably get five years of hard labor in Leavenworth. With no chance of parole.

Anyway, I went outside the barracks and found more than 200 Catholic recruits representing our series standing in formation (and one who just converted from Buddhism for the day). My guide happened to be there so I asked him to get me a headcount. He did and reported back. So it's off to church. I called them to attention, had them do a right face and forward march. As a DI, we're taught to march the platoon from the rear so that you can see all of the recruits. But because there were so many recruits - each of the four columns had more than 50 recruits rather than the usual 15 or so - by the time my voice carried to the recruits near the front, they were about a half step off cadence from the recruit at the rear. I quickly repositioned myself so that I was marching them from about the middle of the platoon.

So we arrived at the church - which was the base theater - and I walked up to the front to tell my guide to get me another headcount. He reported back with a number that was two less than when we left the barracks. After insulting his math skills, I told him to do it again. Still two short. Now, I was really puzzled. I sent the Catholics into church and stayed outside trying to figure out what happened. Maybe my guide miscounted when we were outside the barracks. Or maybe I lost two recruits somewhere along the way. I simply wasn't sure.

The Catholics came out of church and fell into formation. I told my guide to get me a headcount. Poof, now I had the same number as when we left the barracks. Again, maybe my guide was poor at math but more likely, two recruits went UA somewhere somehow between the barracks and the church.

When we got back to the barracks, I sent all of the recruits back to their respective platoons and paid each of the DIs a visit. I told them what happened. I added, "Look, I dunno if my guide miscounted. I dunno if two recruits went UA. And if so, I dunno whose platoon they're from. I dunno if anything even happened. Do as you see fit but I know what I'm gonna do."

I went back to my squadbay. I told the recruits that somewhere between the barracks and the church, two of them were UA and I wanted those two up on my quarterdeck right now or the entire platooon would pay. I was bluffing, of course. Again, I wasn't sure if anything happened at all let alone if the two recruits belonged to me. No takers. So I called for the first 10 recruits on portside to get up on my quarterdeck. Then the incentive training (IT) began: Bends and thrusts, side straddle hops, push-ups, sit-ups, leg lifts. After a while, I stopped that and asked again for the two recruits to come forward. Still no takers. I dismissed those 10 and brought up a fresh 10. Same thing. Bends and thrusts, side straddle hops, push-ups, sit-ups, leg lifts. Again, no takers. I went through the entire platoon in groups of 10 and was about to go through it a second time when two recruits spoke up and confessed that it was them. I got lucky. I told them to get up on my quarterdeck and read them the riot act. Then it was IT until I got tired.

About two days later, I showed up in the morning for duty. The very first thing my senior DI said to me was, "The series gunny wants to see you." I asked, "What's it about?" The senior said, "I dunno but he's not happy." Great. Just what I need the first thing in the morning. So we walked over to his office. There, the series gunny said, "The battalion sergeant major wants to see you." I asked, "What's it about?" The gunny said, "I dunno but he's not happy." Great. I only know two things: One, I gotta go see the battalion sergeant major and two, nobody is happy. Including me. On the way over, I tried to review the past few days in my head to see if I could remember remember anything that I did or said where I might've gotten into trouble but came up dry. I was totally puzzled. The only thing I knew was that this trip wasn't for the sergeant major to congratulate me on anything.

Now, the battalion sergeant major had been in the Marine Corps LONGER THAN I WAS ALIVE. Literally. And his face, I swear, looked like a human version of the Marine Corps bulldog mascot. So, I entered his office (along with my senior and series gunny). The sergeant major was sitting behind his desk, looking down at some paperwork. I marched over to the front of his desk, snapped to attention and said, "Sir, Drill Instructor Sergeant Brzycki reporting as ordered, sir." The sergeant major looked up at me from his paperwork and said, "Who the f*ck do you think you are?" Having absolutely no idea where this was going, I said, "Sir?" And he repeated his previous question, "Who the f*ck do you think you are?" Still not having any clue whatsoever, I said, "Sir?" Then the sergeant major said, "Who the f*ck do you think you are that you can make recruits do push-ups because they didn't wanna go to church?"

Okay, now we're somewhere. It took me a second to do the math and figure out what was going on. As it turned out, one of the recruits who was UA and made to do IT wrote home to his mother or grandmother or some mother and said that he hadda do push-ups because he didn't wanna go to church. She contacted her congressman who, in turn, contacted the recruit depot. Officially, this is a congressional investigation - or what we used to call a "congrant." A congrant must be responded to within 48 hours. I tried to tell the sergeant major what really happened but he didn't wanna hear any of it. All he knew was that there was paperwork on his desk, he didn't like to do paperwork and the paperwork was because of me. That's a bad combo.

After chewing my ass to the bone, the sergeant major sent me on my merry way. On the way back to the barracks, I said to the series gunny, "Gunny, you passed the word that every private hadda go to church. I was just following orders. Besides, the two privates were UA. How come you didn't say anything to the sergeant major?" His response? "My hands are tied." Okay, gunny. Thanks for watching my back.

After all these years, I still love telling this story.

Matt Brzycki
Sergeant (1975-79)

SGT7477
02-14-08, 04:12 PM
That is a good one Matt kind of like the s_it rolls down hill,lol.

rvillac2
02-14-08, 04:19 PM
LOL..that had to be a long walk back from the SgtMaj's office.
Thanks, Sgt B, that made me smile.
But now you're confirming to the poolees that we IT them for no reason whatsoever. ha ha ha ha. ON A SUNDAY!