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firstsgtmike
04-06-03, 01:02 AM
BORROWED FROM: WWW.heatlightning.com


Nationwide French fry boycott brings France to its knees; Paris in flames as looters riot for third day

PARIS -- French officials struggled to maintain law and order Monday as the country's once-robust economy and infrastructure teetered on the brink of ruin.

A devastating American boycott of French fries has caused most businesses, including several government-backed banks and mortgage companies, to suddenly default on their loans and freeze millions of customer accounts. With the economy in a tailspin, millions of jobs are being eliminated daily. And with no access to money or savings, the French population began to show signs of panic as early as last Thursday.

"We are begging our United Nations and NATO allies to please remove these economic sanctions," pleaded French president Jacques Chirac as he attempted to escape the burning French capital building. "These so-called Freedom Fries are destroying our country!"

Large bands of armed looters rioted for the third consecutive day in Paris, destroying hundreds of businesses with firebombs and battling the tattered remnants of French security forces.

"What do they expect us to do?" exclaimed Ferdinand Rohns, a Parisian who suddenly found himself without a home, job, or bank account late last week. "We have nothing left, nothing I tell you!"

Woefully underpaid and underfed French security forces struggled against the rising tide of riotous looters. Most divisions of the French national security forces were reporting heavy casualties, even as they attempted to retreat and abandon Paris to take up positions in the country side.

French Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepin, threatened a retaliatory boycott if the French fry sanctions were not immediately lifted.

"It would be a human disaster on a biblical scale if no American films were viewed at Cannes this year," de Villepin said from his secret government bunker on the outskirts of Orleans. "I hate to make such a threat, but one act of war will be met with another."

United States Secretary of State Colin Powell dismissed the threat as coming from "a very desperate, very obnoxious man" while noting that Cannes "isn't **** without Hollywood."

A COUNTRY DIVIDED:
Destitute looters have levelled several major French cities, including regional capials Lyon and Orleans, and now control almost 50% of the country.

French security forces loyal to the federal government are now retreating from Paris and central France as they are pushed back towards the Atlantic coast.

Hundreds of thousands of refugees are heading north to Belgium and south to Spain to escape the civil unrest.


Refugees a Concern

The United Nations task force for refugee affairs has officially asked Spain and Belgium to open their borders to the millions of refugees seeking relief from the civil unrest. While camps are slowly being built to house hundreds of thousands of French refugees, neighboring countries have already begun to wonder just exactly how long they will be asked to provide stale loaves of hard bread and bitter wine to comfort and feed the French refugees, many of whom are, despite their destitute status, wholly snotty and obnoxious to their non-French hosts.

"On the one hand, we are willing to help our NATO ally," said Belgian spokesman Gerard Vilamona. "On the other hand... well, **** it, I'll say it: we hate those French bastards and it we weren't already allies, we'd most certainly be enemies. There, I said it."

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer had little comment on the situation in France, except to say, "They were given a choice: you're either with us or against us. They made their choice and our wise GOP leaders decided on a course of action. God bless Freedom fries."


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