thedrifter
06-13-07, 04:39 AM
Originally created 061307
Why is Paris burning the news wires?
By TERRY DICKSON, The Times-Union
Mary Garrison asked me a question recently at Sweet Mama's that I, as Georgia editor, could not answer.
Waving a Georgia edition of the Times-Union she asked, "What is Paris Hilton doing on my front page?"
Young Paris appeared to be headed to jail.
While brave soldiers and Marines were dodging roadside bombs in Iraq, while children were starving in Africa and while people were paying too much in taxes everywhere, Paris Hilton landed on front pages around the nation. The major cable networks actually stopped bashing Bush and made Paris doing time their top story. Celebrity worshipers wondered how jailing Paris Hilton would make our streets safer? By keeping her off of them, that's how.
She's in jail for violating her probation for a drunken driving conviction last year. If Johnnie Cochran were still alive and had been her lawyer, Paris would have gotten off. In his closing argument, Cochran would have said, "That she was drunk, you must debunk" and that would have been the end of it.
She supposedly told Barbara Walters she was learning from the experience but wondered why she was getting all the news coverage when there were more important things going on, such as the war in Iraq. I'll have to remember that.
"Yes, officer, I know I was driving 79 in a school zone. But so what? Don't you know our nation is at war? Just where are your priorities?"
We all are celebrity struck in America. When she's not in jail, Paris just goes around being skinny and seen. That's her job. She gets paid to go to nightclubs and have a few drinks with her equally skinny blond friends. Every time somebody gets drunk on St. Simons and smashes into one of our cars in the front yard, I always harbor some hope as I get dressed to rush outside.
(See the June 6, 2007, edition of the Times-Union. National Geographic refers readers to related stories in past editions. Pretty cool, huh?)
"Maybe, just maybe," I think, "this time it was Lindsay Lohan."
No such luck. It's always been some guy who had seen the bottom of too many glasses.
I would like to thank everyone for all the suggestions to avoid getting our vehicles smashed, such as the following:
- You could always park somewhere else.
Well, if the cars weren't there as a buffer, we would have cars and pickup trucks in the kitchen.
- Why don't you put in a ramp to launch them over the cars?
First of all, we would have trespassing skateboarders. Secondly, they would go into the kitchen through the roof instead of a brick wall. Also, if they were traveling at a high rate of speed - as some people tend to do in residential neighborhoods on St. Simons - they would shoot over the top of the house and come down on my backdoor neighbor's pickup truck, roof or hot tub.
- Dig a pond and let them splash into that.
People would be fishing in my front yard. Also, we don't want to have to hire lifeguards and hang lifesaving rings.
- Why don't you buy some old junkers to park out front?
Some of my vehicles already qualify. I wanted to park old school buses and sell ads on the sides. That got vetoed.
- You should think about moving.
No chance. We like our neighbors. Besides, this place has been a good source for columns. And who knows? Lindsay Lohan might drop by unannounced. People do, you know.
terry.dickson@jacksonville.com,
(912) 264-0405
Ellie
Why is Paris burning the news wires?
By TERRY DICKSON, The Times-Union
Mary Garrison asked me a question recently at Sweet Mama's that I, as Georgia editor, could not answer.
Waving a Georgia edition of the Times-Union she asked, "What is Paris Hilton doing on my front page?"
Young Paris appeared to be headed to jail.
While brave soldiers and Marines were dodging roadside bombs in Iraq, while children were starving in Africa and while people were paying too much in taxes everywhere, Paris Hilton landed on front pages around the nation. The major cable networks actually stopped bashing Bush and made Paris doing time their top story. Celebrity worshipers wondered how jailing Paris Hilton would make our streets safer? By keeping her off of them, that's how.
She's in jail for violating her probation for a drunken driving conviction last year. If Johnnie Cochran were still alive and had been her lawyer, Paris would have gotten off. In his closing argument, Cochran would have said, "That she was drunk, you must debunk" and that would have been the end of it.
She supposedly told Barbara Walters she was learning from the experience but wondered why she was getting all the news coverage when there were more important things going on, such as the war in Iraq. I'll have to remember that.
"Yes, officer, I know I was driving 79 in a school zone. But so what? Don't you know our nation is at war? Just where are your priorities?"
We all are celebrity struck in America. When she's not in jail, Paris just goes around being skinny and seen. That's her job. She gets paid to go to nightclubs and have a few drinks with her equally skinny blond friends. Every time somebody gets drunk on St. Simons and smashes into one of our cars in the front yard, I always harbor some hope as I get dressed to rush outside.
(See the June 6, 2007, edition of the Times-Union. National Geographic refers readers to related stories in past editions. Pretty cool, huh?)
"Maybe, just maybe," I think, "this time it was Lindsay Lohan."
No such luck. It's always been some guy who had seen the bottom of too many glasses.
I would like to thank everyone for all the suggestions to avoid getting our vehicles smashed, such as the following:
- You could always park somewhere else.
Well, if the cars weren't there as a buffer, we would have cars and pickup trucks in the kitchen.
- Why don't you put in a ramp to launch them over the cars?
First of all, we would have trespassing skateboarders. Secondly, they would go into the kitchen through the roof instead of a brick wall. Also, if they were traveling at a high rate of speed - as some people tend to do in residential neighborhoods on St. Simons - they would shoot over the top of the house and come down on my backdoor neighbor's pickup truck, roof or hot tub.
- Dig a pond and let them splash into that.
People would be fishing in my front yard. Also, we don't want to have to hire lifeguards and hang lifesaving rings.
- Why don't you buy some old junkers to park out front?
Some of my vehicles already qualify. I wanted to park old school buses and sell ads on the sides. That got vetoed.
- You should think about moving.
No chance. We like our neighbors. Besides, this place has been a good source for columns. And who knows? Lindsay Lohan might drop by unannounced. People do, you know.
terry.dickson@jacksonville.com,
(912) 264-0405
Ellie