thedrifter
05-28-07, 09:01 AM
Sharing pride, pain
For Gold Star Mothers, memorializing the fallen hits home
By Rick Rogers
UNION-TRIBUNE STAFF WRITER
May 28, 2007
Every day is Memorial Day for the battalions of Gold Star Mothers nationwide who have lost children to combat in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere.
Ask Sandra Aceves of Chula Vista and Stacey Holley of Rancho Peñasquitos. They are among the more than 3,400 mothers scattered in states blue and red, all linked by sorrow and pride over the deaths of their sons and daughters in the Iraq war.
Their banner is their burden: a gold star against a sky of white cloth. A star in lieu of a light extinguished.
For Aceves and Holley, Memorial Day is a rare time – a moment when the nation collectively shares their personal grief.
“Memorial Day is about memorializing our memories and remembering the sacrifices that have gained our freedoms,” Holley said. “It is certainly a day that you take more seriously than you ever did before.”
Her only child, Army Spc. Matthew J. Holley, was killed along with three other soldiers in a Nov. 15, 2005, bomb blast in Taji, Iraq. He was 21.
“You take the opportunity to reach out to people who might not have taken it as seriously,” Holley said. “The journey has become a little easier than it was last year, when I pretty much stayed home because I was not ready to talk about his death. It's been an emotional roller coaster.”
She and her husband, John, have channeled their emotional upheaval into action for fallen troops.
With help from Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Alpine, and Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., the couple changed the way service members are honored for their last measure of devotion.
Fallen troops are now returned to their families aboard charter jets, instead of in the cargo holds of commercial planes. Their caskets are met by honor guards in white gloves and crisp uniforms, instead of baggage handlers with forklifts.
The legislation, which the Pentagon started following in January, is called the Holley Provision. The law that her son inspired is bittersweet, Stacey Holley said.
“I don't think that I ever wished to be a part of this (Gold Star Mothers) family,” she said.
The Gold Star Mothers Club was started shortly after World War I to provide support for mothers who had lost sons or daughters in that conflict. The group's name arose from the practice of troops' families hanging service flags in the windows of their homes.
A service flag with a blue star signifies a living service member, while one with a gold star represents a person who has died. The club incorporated on Jan. 5, 1929, as American Gold Star Mothers Inc.
Aceves is a Gold Star Mother. She's also a Blue Star Mother.
One of her four sons – Petty Officer 3rd Class Fernando Mendez-Aceves, a Navy corpsman with Camp Pendleton's 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment – was killed during an ambush April 6, 2004, in Ramadi while trying to save a wounded Marine.
Another of her sons, Enrique Mendez-Aceves, is an Air Force officer.
After getting through what she calls her “dark times” following Fernando's death, Sandra Aceves has turned her energy toward giving joy to others. She is an official hugger during homecomings for troops returning to local military bases from overseas deployments.
Aceves recently attended the wedding of Fernando's former squad leader, Marcus Waechter of McKinney, Texas. The Waechters have assured Aceves that the middle name of their first child – regardless of the baby's gender – will be “Doc,” in honor or her fallen son. It's a tradition for Marines to call a corpsman “Doc.”
Aceves hopes to get back from Washington, D.C., in time for a 2 p.m. ceremony today at Mount Soledad in La Jolla. She is in Washington training to become a mentor for mothers whose blue stars have turned gold.
Aceves said she thinks she can help others while helping herself.
“I have discovered that reaching out to others puts my pain in perspective,” Aceves said recently while absent-mindedly rubbing a small gold star hanging around her neck.
“I'll tell you a secret: We represent a lot to them,” Aceves said of the relationship between Gold Star and Blue Star mothers. “We are an inspiration to them, but we also are their worst enemies because we represent their worst fears.”
In her home, Aceves has a memorial to her deceased son, complete with an ever-lit candle.
“The candle is to light his way,” she said.
Today, she will light candles for the four Marines who died with her son during the ambush.
Aceves might have been speaking for all military mothers, past and present, when she recently answered a question about how she would handle her emotions on Memorial Day.
“I am going to stand with my head very tall to honor the fallen,” Aceves said. “And my Fernando will see me standing there and he will be very proud.”
Rick Rogers: (760) 476-8212; rick.rogers@uniontrib.com
Ellie
For Gold Star Mothers, memorializing the fallen hits home
By Rick Rogers
UNION-TRIBUNE STAFF WRITER
May 28, 2007
Every day is Memorial Day for the battalions of Gold Star Mothers nationwide who have lost children to combat in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere.
Ask Sandra Aceves of Chula Vista and Stacey Holley of Rancho Peñasquitos. They are among the more than 3,400 mothers scattered in states blue and red, all linked by sorrow and pride over the deaths of their sons and daughters in the Iraq war.
Their banner is their burden: a gold star against a sky of white cloth. A star in lieu of a light extinguished.
For Aceves and Holley, Memorial Day is a rare time – a moment when the nation collectively shares their personal grief.
“Memorial Day is about memorializing our memories and remembering the sacrifices that have gained our freedoms,” Holley said. “It is certainly a day that you take more seriously than you ever did before.”
Her only child, Army Spc. Matthew J. Holley, was killed along with three other soldiers in a Nov. 15, 2005, bomb blast in Taji, Iraq. He was 21.
“You take the opportunity to reach out to people who might not have taken it as seriously,” Holley said. “The journey has become a little easier than it was last year, when I pretty much stayed home because I was not ready to talk about his death. It's been an emotional roller coaster.”
She and her husband, John, have channeled their emotional upheaval into action for fallen troops.
With help from Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Alpine, and Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., the couple changed the way service members are honored for their last measure of devotion.
Fallen troops are now returned to their families aboard charter jets, instead of in the cargo holds of commercial planes. Their caskets are met by honor guards in white gloves and crisp uniforms, instead of baggage handlers with forklifts.
The legislation, which the Pentagon started following in January, is called the Holley Provision. The law that her son inspired is bittersweet, Stacey Holley said.
“I don't think that I ever wished to be a part of this (Gold Star Mothers) family,” she said.
The Gold Star Mothers Club was started shortly after World War I to provide support for mothers who had lost sons or daughters in that conflict. The group's name arose from the practice of troops' families hanging service flags in the windows of their homes.
A service flag with a blue star signifies a living service member, while one with a gold star represents a person who has died. The club incorporated on Jan. 5, 1929, as American Gold Star Mothers Inc.
Aceves is a Gold Star Mother. She's also a Blue Star Mother.
One of her four sons – Petty Officer 3rd Class Fernando Mendez-Aceves, a Navy corpsman with Camp Pendleton's 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment – was killed during an ambush April 6, 2004, in Ramadi while trying to save a wounded Marine.
Another of her sons, Enrique Mendez-Aceves, is an Air Force officer.
After getting through what she calls her “dark times” following Fernando's death, Sandra Aceves has turned her energy toward giving joy to others. She is an official hugger during homecomings for troops returning to local military bases from overseas deployments.
Aceves recently attended the wedding of Fernando's former squad leader, Marcus Waechter of McKinney, Texas. The Waechters have assured Aceves that the middle name of their first child – regardless of the baby's gender – will be “Doc,” in honor or her fallen son. It's a tradition for Marines to call a corpsman “Doc.”
Aceves hopes to get back from Washington, D.C., in time for a 2 p.m. ceremony today at Mount Soledad in La Jolla. She is in Washington training to become a mentor for mothers whose blue stars have turned gold.
Aceves said she thinks she can help others while helping herself.
“I have discovered that reaching out to others puts my pain in perspective,” Aceves said recently while absent-mindedly rubbing a small gold star hanging around her neck.
“I'll tell you a secret: We represent a lot to them,” Aceves said of the relationship between Gold Star and Blue Star mothers. “We are an inspiration to them, but we also are their worst enemies because we represent their worst fears.”
In her home, Aceves has a memorial to her deceased son, complete with an ever-lit candle.
“The candle is to light his way,” she said.
Today, she will light candles for the four Marines who died with her son during the ambush.
Aceves might have been speaking for all military mothers, past and present, when she recently answered a question about how she would handle her emotions on Memorial Day.
“I am going to stand with my head very tall to honor the fallen,” Aceves said. “And my Fernando will see me standing there and he will be very proud.”
Rick Rogers: (760) 476-8212; rick.rogers@uniontrib.com
Ellie