thedrifter
04-09-07, 06:57 PM
The U.S. Military Diet: Lose AT LEAST 40 Pounds Guaranteed
April 09, 2007 01:17 PM
By Rima Abdelkader
NEW YORK, 9 April 2007, (Arabisto.com):
(This is my adaptation of “A Modest Proposal” in 1729 by Jonathan Swift who expressed his ideas through satire on the problematic situation in Ireland in hopes of reform.)
There’s a new weight loss diet that the U.S. Marines and Army are not telling you about. It’s not that they don’t want to tell you. It’s just that they don’t want all of you to simultaneously flock to their more than successful recruiting posts since they’re already busy with their dwindling applicant pool and failed marketing tactics. If international travel, new friendships, rite of passage of becoming a man… err woman don’t energize you, this secret, new weight loss diet DEFINITELY will. So, let’s just keep this among us. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
According to an article in the Chicago Tribune, “Military trains cross hairs on food,” Lt. Dave Moore said, soldiers have shed AT LEAST 40 pounds eating Meals, Ready to Eat (MREs). Even though the marines and soldiers are still hungry after their unsavory meals and “face fatigue, impaired brain function and lackluster performance” afterwards, that’s no reason to fret and disregard this NEW weight loss diet. That’s not important. The summer is coming up and you need to shed those pounds.
Although Swift satirically suggested cannibalism in his proposal at counteracting famine, overpopulation and unemployment in Ireland, this new weight loss plan is far more relevant and plausible.
Think about it. We have an obesity epidemic in this country. Plus, there is even a national health objective aimed at lowering the occurrence of obesity under 15 percent by 2010, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. What better way than to start by joining the U.S. Military?
Moore explained that “Many Marines and soldiers lost 20 to 40 pounds of bodyweight during their deployment. At least one soldier was evacuated due to malnutrition and a 60-pound weight loss.” This soldier lost 60 pounds! Enough said.
The article also stated that the Combat Feeding Directorate will be dealing with this weight loss situation this fall and plans on delivering “the First Strike Ration.” That’s something to be excited about. “Unlike the MRE,” the report stated, “it requires no heating.” So, that’s definitely something to look forward to when you lose the weight… FAST.
If you don’t listen to this advice, then ask your local congressman today. Side effects will include exhaustion, inability to operate mentally and physically, dull performances in every aspect of your life, and possible death. Don’t worry about medical fees. Once you join the military and lose weight on this MRE diet while training and fighting, you then get treated at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center’s Building 18 in Washington, D.C.
Need visitors? Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of company with friendly crawlers at this military care facility! The Center also has unwelcome drug dealers in the front entrance. Some amenities will include, but are not limited to: limitless paperwork, stained carpets, and mold, lack of heat and water, and outpatient neglect.
So, what are you waiting for? The summer is two months a way.
Rima Abdelkader is a NY-based journalist and graduate of Pace University in NY.
Ellie
April 09, 2007 01:17 PM
By Rima Abdelkader
NEW YORK, 9 April 2007, (Arabisto.com):
(This is my adaptation of “A Modest Proposal” in 1729 by Jonathan Swift who expressed his ideas through satire on the problematic situation in Ireland in hopes of reform.)
There’s a new weight loss diet that the U.S. Marines and Army are not telling you about. It’s not that they don’t want to tell you. It’s just that they don’t want all of you to simultaneously flock to their more than successful recruiting posts since they’re already busy with their dwindling applicant pool and failed marketing tactics. If international travel, new friendships, rite of passage of becoming a man… err woman don’t energize you, this secret, new weight loss diet DEFINITELY will. So, let’s just keep this among us. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
According to an article in the Chicago Tribune, “Military trains cross hairs on food,” Lt. Dave Moore said, soldiers have shed AT LEAST 40 pounds eating Meals, Ready to Eat (MREs). Even though the marines and soldiers are still hungry after their unsavory meals and “face fatigue, impaired brain function and lackluster performance” afterwards, that’s no reason to fret and disregard this NEW weight loss diet. That’s not important. The summer is coming up and you need to shed those pounds.
Although Swift satirically suggested cannibalism in his proposal at counteracting famine, overpopulation and unemployment in Ireland, this new weight loss plan is far more relevant and plausible.
Think about it. We have an obesity epidemic in this country. Plus, there is even a national health objective aimed at lowering the occurrence of obesity under 15 percent by 2010, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. What better way than to start by joining the U.S. Military?
Moore explained that “Many Marines and soldiers lost 20 to 40 pounds of bodyweight during their deployment. At least one soldier was evacuated due to malnutrition and a 60-pound weight loss.” This soldier lost 60 pounds! Enough said.
The article also stated that the Combat Feeding Directorate will be dealing with this weight loss situation this fall and plans on delivering “the First Strike Ration.” That’s something to be excited about. “Unlike the MRE,” the report stated, “it requires no heating.” So, that’s definitely something to look forward to when you lose the weight… FAST.
If you don’t listen to this advice, then ask your local congressman today. Side effects will include exhaustion, inability to operate mentally and physically, dull performances in every aspect of your life, and possible death. Don’t worry about medical fees. Once you join the military and lose weight on this MRE diet while training and fighting, you then get treated at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center’s Building 18 in Washington, D.C.
Need visitors? Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of company with friendly crawlers at this military care facility! The Center also has unwelcome drug dealers in the front entrance. Some amenities will include, but are not limited to: limitless paperwork, stained carpets, and mold, lack of heat and water, and outpatient neglect.
So, what are you waiting for? The summer is two months a way.
Rima Abdelkader is a NY-based journalist and graduate of Pace University in NY.
Ellie