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thedrifter
02-23-07, 05:30 PM
Savage families receive advice from vets
Families learn how to help their returning soldiers cope

Posted: 2/23/07

by Jennifer Pfeffer
Thisweek Newspapers

Walking into the American Legion in Savage on Wednesday was, for many, a sobering experience that will help them when their loved ones return from combat.

Soldiers have different ways of coping with the return to normal life when they’ve been surrounded with a severely turned-around lifestyle for months or even years.

The meeting at the Legion centered on several topics concerning reintegrating soldiers into a freedom-filled world.

Things the soldiers didn’t think twice about before combat, such as picking out something to wear or going to sleep in silence, are now issues that families need to be aware of.

Many veterans spoke on behalf of those fighting for the United States and made it clear that there are many options that these soldiers and their families have in getting them into a normalized routine when returning.

The meeting was focused on the fact that these men and women don’t know “how to do freedom” and that they need a new identity. Their old “self” is no longer who they are; they were trained to act and react a certain way while serving. These folks will need help creating a new “self” when they return.

Reconnecting with family seems to be the hardest task of all.

“I felt I left my family alone, that I abandoned them,” said Sgt. Jeff Dexter, who served in the Marines in Ar Ramadi and Al Fallujah in 2004 and 2005. “My wife changed, she became everything. She did it well.”

Dexter spoke about his wife taking over all the roles when he was gone and how it was hard to adjust to the fact that he wasn’t the “man of the house” anymore. He wasn’t needed.

“I begged her to let me pay the bills,” said Dexter.

“Through negotiation and communication, we got back to normal,” he said.


Before Dexter left, his family was close and very supportive, but when he was gone his fellow Marines were his new support system.

“We became a new family; we grew as a whole,” said Dexter.

After returning to the United States, besides feeling out of place at his “new” home, no one would speak to him, he said.

“People were afraid to talk to me, and all I wanted was for someone to talk to,” said Dexter.

According to Dexter, the traumatizing things soldiers witness daily aren’t “natural for anyone to see.”

Soldiers are constantly on edge, never knowing what’s next. They drive on roads they know had a bomb left behind. They see children with bombs strapped to their bodies. They witness people who, after leaving a moment of prayer, murder another person.

“And every day we are tapping someone from Minnesota,” said Maj. John Morris, a chaplain who has been in the service for 22 years. “Every day another person leaves for war in Minnesota.”

Dexter said a common problem veterans have is that “people want to tell us what we’ve been through rather than hear what we’ve been through.”

People should listen, Dexter said, and let the soldiers tell what they’ve been through.

Morris feels that it is important for families to receive just as much support as the soldiers who served in combat.

“I volunteered, not my family — I’ll tell you, they’re drowning,” said Morris.

Morris is happy to see so much support with yellow ribbons on vehicles and such, but would like citizens to “put feet to that ribbon.” He wants soldiers to have people back home who can help them when they return.

Kathy Riley, who has a son and daughter-in-law serving in the war, said her son has downplayed what is happening in Iraq.

“We’re living on the edge and in constant fear,” Riley said.

When they return, veterans have to learn how to be citizens again, and they need help putting their marriages, families and jobs back together.

With all the baggage, it will be tough at first, but there are many places for the soldiers to get help and talk to someone who has experienced similar chaos.

But it’s important for families and friends to recognize when a problem gets worse. When veterans start abusing alcohol or drugs, don’t show up to work or can’t hold a civil conversation, there is a problem, said Morris.

Mental health issues are a main concern, and statistics have found that 18 percent of 82nd and 101st airborne division soldiers showed signs of significant mental health issues after immediately returning home from combat.

Thirty percent of soldiers showed signs of mental health issues four to five months after returning home.

“Nobody goes to war and comes home unchanged,” said Morris.

Soldiers shouldn’t be treated like they are crazy when they react abnormally to a situation.

Try to force soldiers to talk about their experiences, and if they don’t’ want to talk, wait until they do.

Morris said that if the government pulled the country out of the war, there would be many more mental health issues.

“They’d think they didn’t get the job done,” Morris said of the soldiers.

For more information, contact your county’s veteran affairs office. Todd Kubinski is the county veteran affairs officer for Savage.

Jennifer Pfeffer is at news.thisweek@ecm-inc.com.

Ellie