Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Timing


A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
and
sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
young
woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
doing?"

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
nothing
obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in
twenty
minutes

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are
you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was
born. Couldn't walk for a year .

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like
this-First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.
We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands,
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".

Sempers,

Roger

[CAS3]

Those look familiar!!
Beating me to the punch!!!

[thedrifter]

Yes, they are from a good friend, I always enjoyed her jokes in the morning with my coffee...........

Nice to see you again..........

Sempers,

Roger and Ellie;)

[SGT T]

HOW MANY SERGEANTS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A SAND BAG:






NONE THATS WHAT PVT, PFC'S AND LCPL'S ARE FOR:D

[CAS3]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife
with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him... Well he
finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,
she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with that man... She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna
put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with the man?"... " I sure did," said the
wife. "'I wrote him a check."
======================================

[thedrifter]

This is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

So............... why is it again that we work ?

Remember folks, this is just a joke don't try this at home!
If you are at work, forward at your own risk.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting
many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
up
the
road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS"
and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated
radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed
photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you
are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book,
got back on his motorcycle and left.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

George Carlin's I'm a BAD American:


I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the
Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a fool.

I 'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This
is
a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of
the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
building.
when I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
note
in Block
11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the
rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope
this answers your inquiry.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in
value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Problem Person.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now
THAT'S a
message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me
lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've
stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on
the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss
America?

Sempers,

Roger

[LadyLeatherneck]

HOW MANY SERGEANTS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A SAND BAG: NONE THATS WHAT PVT, PFC'S AND LCPL'S ARE FOR


I could of sworn I saw a PFC running around here...LMAO ;)

[thedrifter]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs
50
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther
went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I
don't
ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
out,
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

This was sent to me by my Lil Sis....

~ ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
~ HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. ~ BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
~ MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
~HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
~ OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
~ ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
~ MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
~ IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
~ HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
~ "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

> > TRUE STORY.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Dave, a farmer in Kentucky, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident)
to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Dave.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.


Dave responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Dave said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Dave's answer and said
to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie."

Dave thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked
at her
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked
at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."

After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?"

The blondes stop chanting and look up.

"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.

"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the
translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood
belief.)

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin
Quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or
naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road
sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at
them?

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and

add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's
offer.

One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine. "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels. Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?" The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

God Bless America and the United States Marine Corps
Once a Marine, Always a Marine

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Sempers,

Roger

[wrbones]

For the very first time, I disagree with him! Dr. Suess' "One Fish, Two Fish.. " is a brilliant piece of prose. Alliterative puns are very difficult! LOL ( Loved the shot at Privates and PFC's)

[thedrifter]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15
lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is
****!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched
18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

A Marine lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This
really is great ****."

A Navy SEAL, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a
swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12
miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office,
and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/berthing.jpg

[thedrifter]

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all
of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
dreams
would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink
this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver."
* Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
* William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
* W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henry Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
the
time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
* Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
* Kaiser Wilhelm

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
* Anonymous

Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
From Doug Katcos

Sempers,

Roger


http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/chicken.jpg

[thedrifter]

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Sempers,

Roger


http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/pizza_stain.jpg

[thedrifter]

In the beginning ......you guys are reading from the Old Testament....

In the New Testament God is approached by Saint Peter who, as any
good Staff Officer knows, must make some corrections for the boss.

Saint Peter says to God..........Sir, we need to cut back on our brain
washing of the US Marines. Every time they open their mouths all they
can say
is how tuff they are and that theirs the best fighting force in the US
Military.

God says to Saint Peter.........Well aren't they?

Saint Peter to God..............Well not actually. While they look very
pretty in their dress blues, it only takes 13 weeks of boot camp to
make a
Marine.

God to Saint Peter..........Yes, well that's longer boot training then
any of
the other services and it's the toughest.

Saint Peter to God...........Well, that's true but over 84% of the
recruits
graduate from Marine boot which is about the same for all services. If
it's
so tuff why are so many men and women passing? In comparison it takes
22
weeks to qualify as an Army Paratrooper with a graduation rate of 70%,
and it
takes 35 weeks to qualify for an Army Ranger with a graduation rate of
42%.
We won't even get into the Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets which are
even longer. In addition some of the Best Marines are sent to advanced
Army
schools for parachute training and special warfare training and fail
the
course.

God to Saint Peter.................That's unbelievable, you must have
your
facts wrong, although I do remember some Marines I was not real happy
with,
like Robert Garbed, Lee Harvey Oswald, Chuck Barris and who's that TV
comedian, Drew Carey?

Saint Peter to God...............All my facts come from the Public
Affairs
dept. of the US Navy which as you know sir, gives most of their support
to
the Marines unlike the other services which have to supply their own
support
troops. That's why in the case of the US Army for example, they wear
different badges to differentiate combat troops from support troops.
Some Marines like to wear US Army badges if they can qualify for them,
like
their parachute and pathfinder wings.

God to Saint Peter................Well maybe I had too much of that
wine John
the Baptist made when I issued all those comments about the Marines and
the
other services. I did not intend the Marines to get an inferiority
complex
and try to make up for it by bragging all the time, especially if it's
so
easy to become a Marine.

Saint Peter to God.................That's, OK sir...........they still
have
the prettiest uniforms!

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/mr_president.jpg

[thedrifter]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that? "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life. " "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/aspirin.jpg

[thedrifter]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh
no,my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/40clicks.jpg

[thedrifter]

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually
he's
a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an
early
tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day
long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early,
dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet,
and
goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is
raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed
with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. From there he finds that it's
supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts
his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses
and
slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his
wife's
back, and whispers, "The weather out there is
terrible."

She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid
husband is actually out there golfing?"

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/bears.jpg

[thedrifter]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: Sh!t!

Sempers

Roger

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/beenthere.jpg

[thedrifter]

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?'
asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,
he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to
let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he
inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just
terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes
off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the
tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not
good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

Sempers

Roger


http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/dont_ask.jpg

[thedrifter]

As the sun rose over Parris Island, a senior Drill Instructor in 1st Battalion realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the MP's discovered the recruit hiding in the sawgrass out near Broad River. He was sent back to his platoon and promptly escorted to the Drill Instructor's duty hut.

"Why did you go AWOL?" asked the DI.

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/recruiters.jpg

[thedrifter]

It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "f_ck the mailman, give him a dollar!"

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/twice_as_fast.jpg

[thedrifter]

A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the drinkers try to ignore her, nobody makes eye contact. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:

"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman proceeds to drink. A little while later, after she is done, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

"Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!".

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/eod.jpg

[Jim C]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate
would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not
hold back and said,


"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"

[wrbones]

"Where's the fvcking ship? " I haven't laughed that hard for awhile. Thanks.

[thedrifter]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/shore_duty.jpg

[thedrifter]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/eyeballs.jpg

[Jim C]

Laughter is a great medicine.......:

Subject: Man on the Moon

STORY GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE.

ON JULY 20,1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A MAN, ONE GIANT
LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME-HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN
HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG
HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! ?


YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
:) :) :)

[thedrifter]

Perhaps a good reason you don't meet to many female mechanics..

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/strange/mechanic.jpg

[SGT T]

ROTFLMAO.....DRIFTER BUDDY YOU DA MAN

[SGT T]

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/cupid.jpg

[SGT T]

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/ark2.jpg

[SGT T]

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/superman.jpg

[thedrifter]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on
the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very
strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will
explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/qualifying.jpg

[thedrifter]

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
Say "Darn, this water is cold."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!"
Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
.Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
.Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down you "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/worlds_greatest.jpg

[Willie]

Here’s one I read in a magazine, (Some guys do read the articles, or at least the jokes :confused: )

It goes something like this.

Two crabs take a vacation to palm beach every summer for spring break. For the past four years they have been trying to find the best way to get down there. The first crab told the other crab that he found the absolute best way to get there, hassle free and even very comfortable. The first crab explains his method to the other crab and they go there separate ways and make plans to meet each other on the beach. A few days go by and the first crab makes it to the beach with no problems. He waits a few more days and starts to get worried about the other crab, he starts to grow very inpatient, and right when he’s about to give up and go back home he sees the other crab come stumbling down the beach towards him. He exclaims, “Where the heck have you been?” The other crab replies, “I did just like you said, I went to the collage dorm across the street, I crawled up the very beautiful girls leg and nuzzled in to take a nice nap on the way down. Next thing I know, I’m going do the road at 80 mph riding in the mustache of a "Air Winger" riding a Harley!”

Modified for the Leather Neck Forum! ;)

[Gary]

I resemble that remark:D :D :D hehehehehehe

[NamGrunt68]

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you
will run into a couple of Marines who were in here
earlier saying the same thing."

So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day.
A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist
deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two
Marines the guy in town was talking about."

Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator
swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine
grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it
to death with very little effort. Then both Marines
dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.
Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one
doesn't have any shoes either!"

[Jim C]

C:\My Documents\Personal\Funnies\Divorce_Sept_11_Style.j pg
:D

[thedrifter]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight
leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and
jacket. The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when
she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was
slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus
driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover
she STILL couldn't reach the step!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind
her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step
once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her
leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile
to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more
and, again, was unable to make the step.


About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line,
picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the
step of the bus.


Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even
know who you are!"


At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I
kinda figured that we were friends."


Sempers,

Roger
http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/monopoly.jpg

[Jim C]

MILITARY JARGON or
Why we have the Joint Chiefs of Staff; or it’s
all a matter of interpretation!

For example if you told:

Navy personnel to "secure a building," they
would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Coast Guard personnel would tie a towing line to it.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
:o

[thedrifter]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very
long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.


The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During
the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:


I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had
not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to
remove.


These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put
them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.


When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing.


Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.


P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing."

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar
and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no,
he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had
a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a
lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they
were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've
only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing
someone!"

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/the_pit.jpg

[Jim C]

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
>
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a
future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
>
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
>
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
>
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
>
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
>
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
>
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
>
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
>
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
>
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
>
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
>
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
>
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
>
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
>
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton
>
Why don't you ever hear of a lawyer getting attacked by a shark at the beach?
Professional courtesy
:D

[wrbones]

Humor/Letter Home

Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marines
beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m.but, am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried
eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get
sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a
chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,
Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.

[wrbones]

The Parrot






Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully
grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's
attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...
anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird,
and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute
quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions,
and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my
behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"

[thedrifter]

Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral.

Johnny said, "My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What could the moral of that story possibly be?"

Johnny said, "The moral of that story is.. Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

Tell this joke to someone who is not a Marine:

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"

The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

Sempers,

Roger

[thedrifter]

At Da Nang, a tough, experienced Marine lieutenant was indoctrinating a group of men fresh in for service in his platoon. "Don't never sell these boys out here short! They're rough, tough, real blitzers! Never mind what you learnt in trainin', fergft all that jazz and remember they're battle-tough and take no sh*t. Don't let lem out of your sight. If they jump fer cover, you jump, too. Don't never take your eye off 'em."


One GI piped up, "Just how near to the Viet Cong are we, Lieutenant?"


"Who the hell said anything about the VC?" the off icer shouted, "I'm talking about my own Gunnies!"

Sempers,

Roger

[wrbones]

...ya gotta watch those Gunnys, but does anyone listen to me? NNNOOOOOoooooo! LMAO. Musta been a 2nd Lieutenant, a butterbar wouldn't figured that out yet!

[wrbones]

Thought I'd share it.> > > > >
> > > > > A lady about 8 months
> pregnant got on a bus.
> > > > > She noticed the man opposite
> her was smiling at her.
> > > > > She immediately moved to
> another seat.
> > > > > This time the smile turned
> into a grin, so she moved again.
> > > > > The man seemed more amused.
> > > > > When on the fourth move, the
> man burst out laughing.
> > > > > She complained to the driver
> and he had the man arrested.
> > > > > The case came up in court.
> > > > > The judge asked the man ( @
> 20 yrs old ) what he had to say
> >for
> > > > >himself.
> > > > > The man replied, "Well your
> Honor, it was like this:
> > > > > When the lady got on the bus,
> I couldn't help but notice her
> > > > >condition.
> > > > > She sat under sign that said
> > > > > The Double Mint Twins are
> coming" and I grinned.
> > > > > Then she moved and sat under
> a sign that read,
> > > > > "Sloan's Liniment will reduce
> the swelling" and I had to
> >smile.
> > > > > Then she placed herself under
> a sign that said,
> > > > > "William's Big Stick Did the
> Trick" and I could hardly
> >contain
> > > > >myself.
> > > > > BUT your Honor, when she
> moved the fourth time and sat under
> >a
> > > sign
> > > > >that
> > > > > said,
> > > > > "Goodyear Rubber could have
> prevented this Accident". I just
> > > lost
> > > > >it."
> > > > >
> > > > > "CASE DISMISSED"

[wrbones]

Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two ---holes.' 'What?? He had two ===holes?' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ===holes.....'

[Barrio_rat]

You are freezing and it's 75 degrees outside.
You don't answer to "Joe" and your name is Joe.
Your speech is marked by such expressions as, "I'll have a Fepsi" and "My dog has please."
You can eat balut without throwing up.
It doesn't bother you to walk in a bar with a P.C. standing ouside with a loaded gun.
You can't remember what a bathtub looks like.
You think a luxury hotel is one with a seat on the toilet.
You have a hard time understanding English.
You think that 10 pesos is too much for a beer.
You think a hot water faucet is a decoration.
You think the phrase "Rapid Transit" refers to a Philippine Rabbit Bus.
You'd rather eat fried fish than steak.
You tie a gecko to your bed to control mosquitoes.
You know all the words in the P.I. National Anthem.
You always eat rice instead of potatoes.
Your tan is darker than the locals.
You go to USO shows because you like them.
Stateside beer tastes funny.
You think of retiring there because you like the place and it's cheap.

[Jim C]

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING..........!!!

THIS IS SHOCKING!!!
You should check out this site.
Did you know that you can see anyone's Drivers License on the
Internet including your own?

Where it asks what state - put your city and gender.

I'm not sure I like this info out there for anyone to access. DOES THIS BREACH
THE PRIVACY ACT OR WHAT?

Now this is going toooooo far. Jim

Check it out
http://www.license.shorturl.com/

[Gary]

Jim I fell for it:D :D cute.

[SGT T]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
> > regular
> > table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all
> > alone. He
> > calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
> > Merlot to
> > be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
> >
> > The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman,
> > saying
> > this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and
> > sends a
> > note over to the man.
> >
> > The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> > Mercedes
> > in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in
> > your
> > pants."
> >
> > The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his
> > own back
> > to her, and it reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari
> > Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have
> > over
> > twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman
> > as
> > beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. SO JUST SEND THE
> > BOTTLE
> > BACK."

[wrbones]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening--until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped
on our ass ... then things get worse.

[wrbones]

One of our local Gunnys sucked me in. I hear JAM was quite impressed, also! LOL

[Jim C]

Gary, what happened didn't you see your driver's license?!!!


Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."


The pharmacist fainted
:D

[wrbones]

( another bit of evidence proving that Gunnys are bent and twisted in ways beyond description! )

-Important Retirement Info.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they
should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became
necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for
health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we
met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local
medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or
hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does
seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used
to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now
that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes
she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening
I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's
poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I
will tell her to
wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little
more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the
dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and
scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a
little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to
notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her
complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to
rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to
take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook
comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I
try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break
by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No
one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get
older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However
guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine! He
mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of death is
still under investigation).

[wrbones]

I'm just as twisted as they are....

--- >
> It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the
> wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
> downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
>
> "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to
> herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a
> tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
>
> So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The
> bartender walked up and asked her what she would
> like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo
> hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
>
> "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
>
> Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und
> how's yer pecker
>
( To paraphrase someone else, somewhere...How well have I played the "Where's the line?" game? LOL;) )
__________________________________________________

[thedrifter]

Marriage..........;) :D

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/4811.jpg

[thedrifter]

New soldiers walking along the street on pass noticed a car stuck in a mud-filled ditch. A dull sergeant, identifiable by his 'Smokey the Bear' hat, was attempting to free the vehicle by himself.
"Say, isn't that our drill instructor!" asked one of the group.
"Hey, it is," remarked another. "Think we should give him a hand."
"Naw," replied the first trainee. "If he really wants his car out of the ditch, he'll order it out."


The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Buford will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Buford was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Buford will be driving a truck."

Sempers,

Roger


http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/hey_marine.jpg

[thedrifter]

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/shore_duty.jpg

[thedrifter]

Signs of Life....

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.funnybone.com/xtoons/traffictail.jpg

[thedrifter]

It must be tough to find a Bra.......

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/4723.jpg

[thedrifter]

One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire & amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

----------------------

Army Sergeant sitting in a bar. Turns to the guy next to him and says "Want to hear a Marine joke?" Guy next to him says "See that guy on the other side of you?" "He's 6'6", weighs 245". "The guy next to him is 6'7" and weighs 250." "I'm 6'5 and weigh 248, and we're all Marines." "Do you still want to tell your joke? The Army guy says, "Nah. I don't want to repeat it three times"

----------------------------------

Army grunt, loaded with weapon and ruck, standing in a pouring rain: THIS SUCKS!

Airborne, same situation: THIS SUCKS, BUT I LOVE IT!

Ranger, in even a worse downpour: SURE WISH IT WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE!

Army aviator, looking down from his helicopter: SURE LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS DOWN THERE.

-------------------------------------

Plane calls tower and says what time is it? Tower says who are you? Pilot says why does that matter? Tower says well,

if you are in the airforce, it is 3 o'clock.

if you are in the navy, it is 6 bells

if you are in the army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on t