View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...

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06-20-02, 08:44 AM

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.

The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in



06-20-02, 08:48 AM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
born. Couldn't walk for a year .



06-20-02, 09:37 AM
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
this-First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."




06-20-02, 09:39 AM
One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".



06-20-02, 09:39 AM
Those look familiar!!
Beating me to the punch!!!

06-20-02, 09:41 AM
Yes, they are from a good friend, I always enjoyed her jokes in the morning with my coffee...........

Nice to see you again..........


Roger and Ellie;)

06-20-02, 10:11 AM


06-20-02, 11:16 AM
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife
with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him... Well he
finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,
she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with that man... She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna
put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with the man?"... " I sure did," said the
wife. "'I wrote him a check."

06-20-02, 05:52 PM
This is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!



06-20-02, 06:14 PM

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.


Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.



06-21-02, 05:16 AM
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

So............... why is it again that we work ?

Remember folks, this is just a joke don't try this at home!
If you are at work, forward at your own risk.



06-21-02, 05:22 AM
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"



06-21-02, 05:25 AM
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
photo of handcuffs.


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
got back on his motorcycle and left.



06-21-02, 05:29 AM
George Carlin's I'm a BAD American:

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the
Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a fool.

I 'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.



06-21-02, 02:47 PM
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This
a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of
the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
when I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
in Block
11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope
this answers your inquiry.



06-21-02, 02:52 PM
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Problem Person.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on
the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for



06-21-02, 05:11 PM

I could of sworn I saw a PFC running around here...LMAO ;)

06-22-02, 07:40 AM
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs
dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther
went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I
ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."



06-22-02, 08:44 AM
This was sent to me by my Lil Sis....





06-22-02, 08:46 AM
Dave, a farmer in Kentucky, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the

Dave responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the

Dave said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Dave's answer and said
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite

Dave thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked
at her
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"



06-23-02, 12:44 PM
Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting "51 days."

After a while the bartender says to them, "Ladies, for the past 3 hours you have been sitting here chanting 51 days. Why?"

The blondes stop chanting and look up.

"Well," says one of the blondes, "we just finished a puzzle."

"So. What does that have to do with anything?" the bartender asked.

"Well, the box says 3 to 5 years. We finished it in 51 days,"



06-23-02, 12:46 PM
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as
far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if
we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood



06-23-02, 12:48 PM
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go
back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at



06-24-02, 05:24 AM
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and

add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs



06-24-02, 05:25 AM
A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's

One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine. "Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels. Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?" The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

God Bless America and the United States Marine Corps
Once a Marine, Always a Marine



06-24-02, 05:27 AM
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."



06-24-02, 05:51 AM
For the very first time, I disagree with him! Dr. Suess' "One Fish, Two Fish.. " is a brilliant piece of prose. Alliterative puns are very difficult! LOL ( Loved the shot at Privates and PFC's)

06-24-02, 06:02 AM
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15
lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched
18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

A Marine lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This
really is great ****."

A Navy SEAL, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a
swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12
miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office,
and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"



06-25-02, 05:21 AM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"




06-25-02, 05:23 AM
Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker's Soul

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their
would be shattered. Then I said to myself, "It is better that I drink
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
* Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
* William Butler Yeats

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
* W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henry Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of
time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
* Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
* Kaiser Wilhelm

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
* Anonymous

Beer - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
From Doug Katcos




06-25-02, 05:26 AM
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.




06-26-02, 05:17 AM
In the beginning ......you guys are reading from the Old Testament....

In the New Testament God is approached by Saint Peter who, as any
good Staff Officer knows, must make some corrections for the boss.

Saint Peter says to God..........Sir, we need to cut back on our brain
washing of the US Marines. Every time they open their mouths all they
can say
is how tuff they are and that theirs the best fighting force in the US

God says to Saint Peter.........Well aren't they?

Saint Peter to God..............Well not actually. While they look very
pretty in their dress blues, it only takes 13 weeks of boot camp to
make a

God to Saint Peter..........Yes, well that's longer boot training then
any of
the other services and it's the toughest.

Saint Peter to God...........Well, that's true but over 84% of the
graduate from Marine boot which is about the same for all services. If
so tuff why are so many men and women passing? In comparison it takes
weeks to qualify as an Army Paratrooper with a graduation rate of 70%,
and it
takes 35 weeks to qualify for an Army Ranger with a graduation rate of
We won't even get into the Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets which are
even longer. In addition some of the Best Marines are sent to advanced
schools for parachute training and special warfare training and fail

God to Saint Peter.................That's unbelievable, you must have
facts wrong, although I do remember some Marines I was not real happy
like Robert Garbed, Lee Harvey Oswald, Chuck Barris and who's that TV
comedian, Drew Carey?

Saint Peter to God...............All my facts come from the Public
dept. of the US Navy which as you know sir, gives most of their support
the Marines unlike the other services which have to supply their own
troops. That's why in the case of the US Army for example, they wear
different badges to differentiate combat troops from support troops.
Some Marines like to wear US Army badges if they can qualify for them,
their parachute and pathfinder wings.

God to Saint Peter................Well maybe I had too much of that
wine John
the Baptist made when I issued all those comments about the Marines and
other services. I did not intend the Marines to get an inferiority
and try to make up for it by bragging all the time, especially if it's
easy to become a Marine.

Saint Peter to God.................That's, OK sir...........they still
the prettiest uniforms!



06-26-02, 05:27 AM
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that? "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life. " "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."



06-26-02, 05:34 AM
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh
no,my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"



06-26-02, 05:42 AM
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually
a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an
tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early,
dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet,
goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is
raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed
with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. From there he finds that it's
supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts
his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses
slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his
back, and whispers, "The weather out there is

She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid
husband is actually out there golfing?"



06-27-02, 05:22 AM
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -




06-28-02, 05:41 AM
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?'
asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,
he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to
let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he
inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just
terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes
off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the
tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.




06-29-02, 05:14 AM
As the sun rose over Parris Island, a senior Drill Instructor in 1st Battalion realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the MP's discovered the recruit hiding in the sawgrass out near Broad River. He was sent back to his platoon and promptly escorted to the Drill Instructor's duty hut.

"Why did you go AWOL?" asked the DI.

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."




06-30-02, 07:54 AM
It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "f_ck the mailman, give him a dollar!"



06-30-02, 07:58 AM
A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the drinkers try to ignore her, nobody makes eye contact. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:

"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman proceeds to drink. A little while later, after she is done, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

"Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!".



Jim C
06-30-02, 08:33 AM
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate
would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not
hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"

06-30-02, 03:33 PM
"Where's the fvcking ship? " I haven't laughed that hard for awhile. Thanks.

07-01-02, 05:44 AM
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.



07-01-02, 05:52 AM
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get



Jim C
07-01-02, 06:58 AM
Laughter is a great medicine.......:

Subject: Man on the Moon








:) :) :)

07-01-02, 12:15 PM
Perhaps a good reason you don't meet to many female mechanics..



07-01-02, 12:31 PM

07-01-02, 01:28 PM

07-01-02, 01:30 PM

07-01-02, 01:35 PM

07-02-02, 05:38 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on
the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very
strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will
explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without



07-02-02, 06:09 AM
Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
Say "Darn, this water is cold."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!"
Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
.Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
.Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down you "Cross-Dressers Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"



07-02-02, 12:31 PM
Here’s one I read in a magazine, (Some guys do read the articles, or at least the jokes :confused: )

It goes something like this.

Two crabs take a vacation to palm beach every summer for spring break. For the past four years they have been trying to find the best way to get down there. The first crab told the other crab that he found the absolute best way to get there, hassle free and even very comfortable. The first crab explains his method to the other crab and they go there separate ways and make plans to meet each other on the beach. A few days go by and the first crab makes it to the beach with no problems. He waits a few more days and starts to get worried about the other crab, he starts to grow very inpatient, and right when he’s about to give up and go back home he sees the other crab come stumbling down the beach towards him. He exclaims, “Where the heck have you been?” The other crab replies, “I did just like you said, I went to the collage dorm across the street, I crawled up the very beautiful girls leg and nuzzled in to take a nice nap on the way down. Next thing I know, I’m going do the road at 80 mph riding in the mustache of a "Air Winger" riding a Harley!”

Modified for the Leather Neck Forum! ;)

07-02-02, 12:40 PM
I resemble that remark:D :D :D hehehehehehe

07-02-02, 04:28 PM
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to
pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you
will run into a couple of Marines who were in here
earlier saying the same thing."

So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day.
A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist
deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two
Marines the guy in town was talking about."

Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator
swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine
grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it
to death with very little effort. Then both Marines
dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.
Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one
doesn't have any shoes either!"

Jim C
07-03-02, 07:31 AM
C:\My Documents\Personal\Funnies\Divorce_Sept_11_Style.j pg

07-03-02, 08:06 AM
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight
leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and
jacket. The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when
she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was
slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus
driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover
she STILL couldn't reach the step!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind
her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step
once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her
leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile
to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more
and, again, was unable to make the step.

About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line,
picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the
step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even
know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I
kinda figured that we were friends."



Jim C
07-05-02, 06:31 AM
Why we have the Joint Chiefs of Staff; or it’s
all a matter of interpretation!

For example if you told:

Navy personnel to "secure a building," they
would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Coast Guard personnel would tie a towing line to it.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

07-05-02, 06:45 AM
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very
long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During
the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had
not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for
me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put
them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will
come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp
from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing."



07-05-02, 06:50 AM
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar
and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no,
he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had
a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they
were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've
only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing




Jim C
07-07-02, 09:05 AM
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a
future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton
Why don't you ever hear of a lawyer getting attacked by a shark at the beach?
Professional courtesy

07-07-02, 11:57 AM
Humor/Letter Home

Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marines
beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m.but, am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried
eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get
sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a
chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.

07-07-02, 12:05 PM
The Parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully
grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's
attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...
anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird,
and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions,
and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"

07-07-02, 07:20 PM
Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral.

Johnny said, "My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What could the moral of that story possibly be?"

Johnny said, "The moral of that story is.. Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!



07-07-02, 07:37 PM
Tell this joke to someone who is not a Marine:

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"

The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.



07-08-02, 06:05 AM
At Da Nang, a tough, experienced Marine lieutenant was indoctrinating a group of men fresh in for service in his platoon. "Don't never sell these boys out here short! They're rough, tough, real blitzers! Never mind what you learnt in trainin', fergft all that jazz and remember they're battle-tough and take no sh*t. Don't let lem out of your sight. If they jump fer cover, you jump, too. Don't never take your eye off 'em."

One GI piped up, "Just how near to the Viet Cong are we, Lieutenant?"

"Who the hell said anything about the VC?" the off icer shouted, "I'm talking about my own Gunnies!"



07-08-02, 08:48 AM
...ya gotta watch those Gunnys, but does anyone listen to me? NNNOOOOOoooooo! LMAO. Musta been a 2nd Lieutenant, a butterbar wouldn't figured that out yet!

07-09-02, 05:59 PM
Thought I'd share it.> > > > >
> > > > > A lady about 8 months
> pregnant got on a bus.
> > > > > She noticed the man opposite
> her was smiling at her.
> > > > > She immediately moved to
> another seat.
> > > > > This time the smile turned
> into a grin, so she moved again.
> > > > > The man seemed more amused.
> > > > > When on the fourth move, the
> man burst out laughing.
> > > > > She complained to the driver
> and he had the man arrested.
> > > > > The case came up in court.
> > > > > The judge asked the man ( @
> 20 yrs old ) what he had to say
> >for
> > > > >himself.
> > > > > The man replied, "Well your
> Honor, it was like this:
> > > > > When the lady got on the bus,
> I couldn't help but notice her
> > > > >condition.
> > > > > She sat under sign that said
> > > > > The Double Mint Twins are
> coming" and I grinned.
> > > > > Then she moved and sat under
> a sign that read,
> > > > > "Sloan's Liniment will reduce
> the swelling" and I had to
> >smile.
> > > > > Then she placed herself under
> a sign that said,
> > > > > "William's Big Stick Did the
> Trick" and I could hardly
> >contain
> > > > >myself.
> > > > > BUT your Honor, when she
> moved the fourth time and sat under
> >a
> > > sign
> > > > >that
> > > > > said,
> > > > > "Goodyear Rubber could have
> prevented this Accident". I just
> > > lost
> > > > >it."
> > > > >
> > > > > "CASE DISMISSED"

07-09-02, 10:26 PM
Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two ---holes.' 'What?? He had two ===holes?' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ===holes.....'

07-10-02, 02:45 AM
You are freezing and it's 75 degrees outside.
You don't answer to "Joe" and your name is Joe.
Your speech is marked by such expressions as, "I'll have a Fepsi" and "My dog has please."
You can eat balut without throwing up.
It doesn't bother you to walk in a bar with a P.C. standing ouside with a loaded gun.
You can't remember what a bathtub looks like.
You think a luxury hotel is one with a seat on the toilet.
You have a hard time understanding English.
You think that 10 pesos is too much for a beer.
You think a hot water faucet is a decoration.
You think the phrase "Rapid Transit" refers to a Philippine Rabbit Bus.
You'd rather eat fried fish than steak.
You tie a gecko to your bed to control mosquitoes.
You know all the words in the P.I. National Anthem.
You always eat rice instead of potatoes.
Your tan is darker than the locals.
You go to USO shows because you like them.
Stateside beer tastes funny.
You think of retiring there because you like the place and it's cheap.

Jim C
07-10-02, 06:39 AM

You should check out this site.
Did you know that you can see anyone's Drivers License on the
Internet including your own?

Where it asks what state - put your city and gender.

I'm not sure I like this info out there for anyone to access. DOES THIS BREACH

Now this is going toooooo far. Jim

Check it out

07-10-02, 07:24 AM
Jim I fell for it:D :D cute.

07-10-02, 08:23 AM
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
> > regular
> > table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all
> > alone. He
> > calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
> > Merlot to
> > be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
> >
> > The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman,
> > saying
> > this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and
> > sends a
> > note over to the man.
> >
> > The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> > Mercedes
> > in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in
> > your
> > pants."
> >
> > The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his
> > own back
> > to her, and it reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari
> > Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have
> > over
> > twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman
> > as
> > beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. SO JUST SEND THE
> > BACK."

07-10-02, 02:17 PM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening--until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped
on our ass ... then things get worse.

07-10-02, 02:19 PM
One of our local Gunnys sucked me in. I hear JAM was quite impressed, also! LOL

Jim C
07-11-02, 07:17 AM
Gary, what happened didn't you see your driver's license?!!!

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked, "What's that?"

"A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" the other lady asked.

"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

07-11-02, 10:09 AM
( another bit of evidence proving that Gunnys are bent and twisted in ways beyond description! )

-Important Retirement Info.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they
should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became
necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for
health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we
met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local
medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or
hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does
seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used
to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now
that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes
she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening
I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's
poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I
will tell her to
wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little
more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the
dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and
scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a
little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to
notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her
complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to
rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to
take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook
comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I
try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break
by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No
one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get
older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However
guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine! He
mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of death is
still under investigation).

07-11-02, 12:47 PM
I'm just as twisted as they are....

--- >
> It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the
> wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went
> downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
> "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to
> herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a
> tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"
> So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The
> bartender walked up and asked her what she would
> like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo
> hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
> "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.
> Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und
> how's yer pecker
( To paraphrase someone else, somewhere...How well have I played the "Where's the line?" game? LOL;) )

07-11-02, 03:34 PM
Marriage..........;) :D




07-12-02, 06:05 AM
New soldiers walking along the street on pass noticed a car stuck in a mud-filled ditch. A dull sergeant, identifiable by his 'Smokey the Bear' hat, was attempting to free the vehicle by himself.
"Say, isn't that our drill instructor!" asked one of the group.
"Hey, it is," remarked another. "Think we should give him a hand."
"Naw," replied the first trainee. "If he really wants his car out of the ditch, he'll order it out."

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Buford will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Buford was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Buford will be driving a truck."




07-12-02, 06:14 AM
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.




07-12-02, 09:29 AM
Signs of Life....




07-12-02, 10:33 AM
It must be tough to find a Bra.......




07-13-02, 08:33 AM
One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;

The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.

The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they occupied the building so no one could enter.

Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire & amphibious assault vehicals, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared for close hand-to-hand combat if the situation arose.

But the Air Force, on the other hand, acted most swiftly on the command, and took out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


Army Sergeant sitting in a bar. Turns to the guy next to him and says "Want to hear a Marine joke?" Guy next to him says "See that guy on the other side of you?" "He's 6'6", weighs 245". "The guy next to him is 6'7" and weighs 250." "I'm 6'5 and weigh 248, and we're all Marines." "Do you still want to tell your joke? The Army guy says, "Nah. I don't want to repeat it three times"


Army grunt, loaded with weapon and ruck, standing in a pouring rain: THIS SUCKS!

Airborne, same situation: THIS SUCKS, BUT I LOVE IT!

Ranger, in even a worse downpour: SURE WISH IT WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE!

Army aviator, looking down from his helicopter: SURE LOOKS LIKE IT SUCKS DOWN THERE.


Plane calls tower and says what time is it? Tower says who are you? Pilot says why does that matter? Tower says well,

if you are in the airforce, it is 3 o'clock.

if you are in the navy, it is 6 bells

if you are in the army, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3

if you are in the marines, it is Thursday afternoon.


A retired Navy Chief and a retired Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant were sitting at the stag bar arguing about which had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Iwo Jima, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out two enemy machine gun positions with grenades. I was wounded and evacuated to the States where I spent 7 months in the hospital."

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea with Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir. I made the long march to Hung Nam and later landed at Inchon. I spent two years in combat under constant enemy fire. I was wounded again and awarded a Bronze Star for saving my Company Commander."

"Finally, as a Gunnery Sergeant I had two back-to-back combat tours in Vietnam with the Infantry. I humped through the mud and razorgrass for up to 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, dodging sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. I was involved in more firefights than I can count where we fired until our ammunition was gone and then charged the enemy with bayonets. When I retired from the Corps I was awarded 80% disability by the Veterans Administration."

Looking straight ahead the old Chief said nothing. Then, after a deliberately long, slow drink, he retorted "It figures...all friggin' shore duty!"


Combined nite excersizes in the field. Army & Air Force & MARINE sargeants sitting around the fire arguing which branch of service has the most guts.

Air Force sgt. yells to one of his: "Private, stick this bayonet into the palm of your hand". Private does it without a sound. AF sgt. says " that takes guts"

Army sgt. yells to one of his: "Private stick your hand in this fire for one minute" Private does it, without a sound. Army Sgt. says "that really takes guts !"

MARINE sgt. yells at one of his: "Private, stick your D$ck in this fire for 5 minutes". Private yells back "Get stuffed, Sarge !" MARINE Sgt. says "Gentlemen, THAT is guts "!


An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh!t!"
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh!t!"
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh!t."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh!t."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh!t is this?"




07-14-02, 11:46 AM
Most of you know that Patton was a well known Army General. What you may not know is that Patton hated Marines. As a matter of fact, he hated Marines so much that when he died and went to Heaven, he had only one request of St. Peter before entering: "St. Peter" said Patton "I am very happy to have made it to heaven, but before I come in you must tell me if there are any Marines in Heaven. I'm sick of them. They were always outdoing my Army troops and making us look bad. They always got all the credit as the best fighting force on earth. Now I want to spend eternity in peace, without Marines!" St. Peter chuckled slightly and said, "Patton, you don't have to worry about that. Marines are too wild and crazy for Heaven. We can't have them here, they make too much noise and cause a lot of trouble." With that, Patton gave a sigh of relief and went on in to Heaven. He decided to take a tour around to see his new eternal home. Patton saw all the wondrous beauties and was smiling and whistling. Then he turned the corner onto Main Street and he saw it. He became furious and went running back to the gates of Heaven. "St. Peter!" cried Patton "You promised me there were no Marines in Heaven, but I was just on Main Street and I saw a Marine standing tall and proud in his Dress Blues and shiny shoes. Right there in front of my own eyes!" St. Peter chuckled to himself and said, "Patton, calm down, that's not a Marine, I told you we can't have them in Heaven. That's God, he just thinks he's a Marine."




07-14-02, 11:58 AM
In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In
the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and
without form. so God created the heavens and the Earth. He created
the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce
the darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea,
and filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimey creatures that inhabited the
murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed
them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells
at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to
hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns
and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and
banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not
have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved
creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore", instead of
titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flakey creatures of the land, God called soldiers.
And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he
could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too
large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they might
warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them
badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate.
And he gave them emblems and crests...and all sorts of shiny thing
that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you're God you
tend to get carried away).

On the 6th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for
which he designed a Greyhound bus driver's uniform, especially for
Air Farce flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week,
and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this
theme and established what we now know as the "wild blue yonder wonders."

On the 7th day, as you know, God rested. But on the 8th day, at 0730,
God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy. God was not happy!
So he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a
divine creature. And he called this creature a Marine.
And these Marines, whom God had created in his own image, were to be
of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful
uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early
days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms,
so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them
service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening
and dress uniforms...sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might
promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress everybody!
He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed, could be
dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that
it was good. But was God happy? NO! God was still not happy! Because in
the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing. He did not have a
Marine uniform for himself. But he thought about it, and thought about it,
and finally satisfied in knowing that, well...not everybody can be a MARINE




07-15-02, 07:45 AM
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two Prostitutes, $50." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So, they took their sign down and the next day there they were driving around town with a new sign which read, "Two Angels Seeking Peter, $50."

One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling—if the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket. The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail. There's no way in the world that I can pass that test."



07-15-02, 07:48 AM
There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed eight—the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex." The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."



07-15-02, 07:55 AM
Let's be honest, the "humor" of many old-time comedians just doesn't hold up these days. However, the wit of Groucho Marx has stood the test of time. Let's hear a few thoughts from the man who never wanted to belong to a club that would have him as a member.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Now there's a man with an open mind—you can feel the breeze from here.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says "yes," you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing—if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

This man has the mind of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit—retire!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends—may they never meet!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.



07-15-02, 08:53 AM
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."  Mom fainted ..... Arial>

07-15-02, 11:44 AM
John had been regularly on time to work for the past 15 years. One day he slept through his alarm. He got up in a rush, hurried through his shower and grabbed a very quick bite to eat as he headed out the door to his car. He zipped along in his car as fast as he could, greatly surpassing the posted speed limit. He came to a hill and as he zoomed down the other side of it, there was a patrol officer with a radar gun. The police officer pulled John over went up to him waiting in his car.
"In a hurry?" the patrolman asked.
"Yes" said John, quite hurridly and added, "I'm late for work."
"Oh" said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm an ******* stretcher" replied John.
"An ******* stretcher?" asked the officer.
"Yes, an ******* stretcher" said John.
"Well" said the officer, "how does that work?"
John said,"Well, first you glove up. Then you lube up. You start with a single finger, get it in there and wiggle it around a bit. Then you put in two and three fingers, again, wiggling 'em around some. By now you can use your second hand. You wiggle and you stretch and after time, you can have your hands fully at arms length apart from each other... a good six feet."
"Six feet!" the officer was startled, "what are you going to do with a six foot *******?!?"
John looked at the officer and said, "Put him at the bottom of a hill with a radar gun."

Jim C
07-16-02, 06:45 AM
Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus
Bald Buzzard Ridge
Mountainville, RFD 2

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m.( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,


P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.


07-16-02, 07:33 AM
I want a job like this!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

And what was plan "B"?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month was a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system".

And for the main course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself brain surgery?
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I got a deal for you!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars!

Did I say that?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Wow, that smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-The-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Hello, are you listening?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Is that a gun in your pocket?
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?



07-16-02, 07:49 AM
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to
boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some
instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several
shots at the target. The report came from the target
area that all attempts had completely missed the

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target
again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he
yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just
fine, the trouble must be at your end!"



07-16-02, 07:52 AM
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."



07-16-02, 10:13 PM
An American Marine, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very
crowded, so the Marine walked the length of the train, looking for an
empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary
Marine asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the Marine, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The Marine walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?
I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The Marine didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
and chastise the Marine.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out
the window."



07-17-02, 06:15 AM
Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't
written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure
you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok?
Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family
heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three
times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a
gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even
visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of
the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet,
but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom
and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being
grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love,
devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests
because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but
dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor
said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind,
and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know,
after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the
fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him
as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is
an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an
important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's
all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know
there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull
fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I
don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or
religion in my life; however, I DID total the new uninsured SUV, and I
just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.



07-17-02, 06:40 AM
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."



07-17-02, 06:41 AM
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged three ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU TELL ME!"



07-17-02, 06:44 AM
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told
him he'd left the light on in the garden shed-
she could see it from the bedroom window. But
he said that he hadn't been in the shed that
day. He looked himself, and there were people
in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that
no-one was in his area, so no-one was available
to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up,
counted to 30 and rang the police again.

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago
because there were people in my shed? Well,
you don't have to worry about them now, I've
just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen
police cars in the area, an Armed Response
unit, the works. Of course, they caught
the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to this man: "I
thought you said you'd shot them!"

He replied: "I thought you said there was
no-one available!"



07-17-02, 08:43 AM
O'Flynn's Liquor Shop

Rated PG-13

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna ****!"

07-17-02, 08:45 AM
Q: How many Irish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five--one to hold the lightbulb, and four to drink until the room spins:D

07-17-02, 12:42 PM
Being IRISH...I can attest to that!

07-18-02, 05:53 AM
To all my friends who have to deal with increased airport

Subject: Security
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was
of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large
number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women
in their
outfits with their initials in large white letters across their


I feel safer already.



07-18-02, 05:56 AM
This was sent to me by Cas......

Dear Friends

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about.
There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this week at age 83.

It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket.

They put his left leg in and.....well, you know the rest.



07-19-02, 05:39 AM
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"



07-19-02, 05:44 AM
Jeff Gordon is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Gordo says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains The WonderBoy. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks The Rainbow Warrior, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Geoff Bodine, Jimmy Spencer and Jeff Gordon were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Gordon beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"




07-19-02, 05:49 AM
President Clinton, his family, and Al Gore are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy".
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hilary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole Country very happy."




Jim C
07-19-02, 06:47 AM
Does Chesty like cats?!

file:///C:/My%20Documents/Personal/Funnies/Kitty.jpg :D

07-19-02, 09:33 AM
Sweet Talking Patrick

Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke.

O'Rourke says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?"

Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says, "No she hasn't been told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks in and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone." O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dying and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know.

Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin."

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "**** you ain't, woman!"

07-19-02, 09:34 AM
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you're not. But YOU only have the one *******.


07-19-02, 11:17 AM
:)Take a read (http://www.geocities.com/josmarine2/page5.html) :)

07-20-02, 06:57 AM
From Jeff Foxworthy

You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You drink Labatt 50
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You actually like Spam.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


07-20-02, 06:59 AM
You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.


07-20-02, 07:03 AM
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of ID
On stage night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
You smoked during your wedding.
People ask to hunt in your front yard.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
You've ever driven a tractor to school.
Your high school prom had a day care center.
You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.
If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all
of your cars.
If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.
If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"
If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.
If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.
If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.
If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.
If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.
If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.
If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff
If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.
If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).
You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.
You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.
Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."
Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.
Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.
You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.
Everyday at your house is a family reunion.
You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.
You've found every one of your pets.
You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.
The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You call rust a quality paint job.
If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.
Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You swerve to hit a deer.
You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.
Your momma and your dog bathe together.
The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.
You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.
Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.
You use a tire for a sled.
Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.
You got married at a monster truck rally.
Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.
Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.
You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.
You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.
You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass.
You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.
You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.
You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.
If your house and your barn are the same building.
If your best crystal used to contain snuff.
You consider muskrat a gourmet food.
Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.
You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.
You take spurs to show off at your local public school.
Your toenails curl before you cut them.
Socks in bed turn you on.
You think a sieve is part of your shirt.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
You took a beer to a job interview.
You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.


07-20-02, 07:04 AM
Your mom is the man of the house.
You wear a bra under a strapless dress.
If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.
Your dad and your tires are both bald.
Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.
Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.
You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.
Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.
Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.
You think straight D's is the honor roll.
You think payday is when the welfare check comes.
You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.
When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.
You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.
The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.
If you have to mow your driveway.
You own any willow furniture you made yourself.
You have a collar and your dog doesn't.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.
You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.
If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".
If your backyard looks like a junkyard.
You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole family.
You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.
Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.
You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.
You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.
If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.
You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.
Everyone you know has more than one first name.
You ever made change in the offering plate.
Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.
You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your Engines".
Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.
You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.
You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck.
You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.
Someone asks you the time and you say "January".
You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard. Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch.
You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.
The only gold you own is in your mouth.
You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.
You are the state cow tipping champ.
Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.
You consider a six-pack life support.
You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.
Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.
Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.
Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.
You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.
You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.
You think a goat is an indoor animal.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.
The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house.
Your family tree forms a wreath.


07-20-02, 07:06 AM
If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.
You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.
People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.
You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail.
You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.
Your family tree doesn't branch.
You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck.
If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth.
You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding.
Your wife has to shave more than you do.
If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry.
You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower.
Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby.
You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification.
You and the game warden are on a first name basis.
Your garage looks better than your house.
Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally.
You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.
Your clothes are older than you.
You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
You would give up your house instead of our boat.
The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test.
If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard.
You use more duct tape than common sense.
You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld.
You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories.
You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer.
Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils.
Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
Your house has taillights but your car doesn't.
"Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary.
You and your dog share the same name.
The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house.
Your family tree consists of you and your dog.
Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy.
Your house is on wheels and your car isn't.
Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain.
Your dog weighs more than you do.
You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart.
You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath.
You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital.
You think harass is two words.
After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin.
You take notes while watching The Three Stooges.
Your new car is a John Deere.
You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.
While raking leave you fall out of the tree.
Your truck is higher than your house.
You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph.
You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice.
You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard.
You go to a family reunion to meet women.
You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures.
You are offended by these jokes.
The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER.
Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language.
You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in.
You think a quarterback is a refund.
You were born on a pool table.
Truck drivers tell your mom to watch her language.
Your porch falls off and more than two dogs die.
Your living room wall has the flood history.
You get detention in school for catching a bigger fish than the principal catches on the day you both skipped.
You consider Rambo a classic.


07-20-02, 07:07 AM
You think, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" is part of the National Anthem.
The word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows.
At home you have to wipe your feet to go outside.
You have to take your house to the body shop after a hailstorm.
If your vehicle has a nickname that ends with "Lou".
If you spend more at Christmas on your huntin' dog than your family.
Your family tree doesn't You trip over the cord of a cordless phone.
You go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church.
The employees of the local Wal Mart know you by name.
Your tan line starts at your eyebrows and ends at your shirt collar.
Your Lazy Boy has a gun rack mounted on it.
You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
Your house has no curtains but your truck does.
Calling your closest neighbor on the phone is long distance.
You went to a huntin' camp on your honeymoon.
You told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room.
Hitting an animal with your truck means getting a new coat.
When asked your tooth color on a application, you state "Not Applicable".
You ever held a family reunion in jail.
You have legally changed your name to "Current Resident" in a sorry attempt to get more mail.
You prefer calling your sister Hun.
If the garbage men don't know what to take or what to leave.
If you believe God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.
You bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work.
Your house pets include any form of livestock.
You consider a night at the rodeo a romantic evening.
Your blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ
Your wife has a beard and you don't.
You leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa.
Your bridal registry was the local bait shop.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
Your truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't.
You identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil.
Your coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding.
You're not sure of the true color of your pickup.
Your kid's first words were paper or plastic.
All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones. T
There are more than four cats living in your garage.
Your mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket.
Your mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father.
You put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table.
You try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
You put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself.
You've never slept with your boots off.
You go turkey hunting for hat decorations.
Your car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in.
You purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a overpass.
You know more that 10 slang words for "breast."
You serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner.
You ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party.
Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.
You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester when always be "in."
You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.
Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.
Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.
You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.
You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You've never seen a film with subtitles.
You must go through more than two gates to get to your house.
You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."
You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.


07-20-02, 07:09 AM
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.
You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
You follow the tractor pull circuit.
Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin.
Your tires are worth more than your truck.
Your spare tire is a cement block.
You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
You own a denim leisure suit.
Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.
You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.
You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You ever get dog hair from your belly button.
You ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box.
You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks.
You have ever injured yourself lighting farts.
You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper.
You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car.
You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots.
You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.
You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister.
Your eye color on your driver's license in red.
You judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring.
You ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess.
You think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.
You have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open.
Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends.
Your idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab.
You have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day.
Your best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it.
You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet.
You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic


07-20-02, 07:14 AM
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year.
You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.
You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You proposed in a Denny's.
The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You think "Chablis" is the name of last months Playboy centerfold.
You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
You don't have a home phone.
You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think "trash TV" is something in your back yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
Your deer stand has an address.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
Your pickup truck and wife are the same age.
Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
You've ever given livestock as a wedding present.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
You call your boss, "dude."
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis.
You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
You think ribs come from Europe.
Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budweiser and a mechanical bull.
You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
You see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You've ever fished from over a fence.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
Your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You currently drive a car with "In Tow" painted across the back.
Your dog has puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You think wild turkey should be the national bird.
Your truck sits so high that you can see in a second floor window.
You brag that you can chug a beer in three seconds instead of five because of the new wide-mouth cans.
You name the pick of the litter after your wife to show your affection.
Normal people have Kodak™ moments but you have Kodiak™ moments.
You consider the tractor your 'good' car.
You leave the dumpster with more stuff than you came with.
You ever went to Walmart to freshen up for a date.
You got cable just for TNN.
After dinner you have Pixy Sticks and the height of the evening is comparing tongue colors.
Speling ant tha eazist thang you evar tryed.


07-20-02, 07:15 AM
You find automatic transmissions confusing.
You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
You snorkel in a waterbed.
You have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
You have more hair on your back than on your head.
You have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
You shave your cat to put hair on your head.
You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
You use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
Your cabinet doubles as a guest room.
Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
You think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You know how to milk a goat.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
Your house plants aren't in pots.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
You were expelled from summer school.
You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have a grave in your front yard.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You screen door has no screen.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
Your church has a "happy hour."
Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
Your pickup truck used to be a car.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
You stockpile pork and beans.
Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
You spit on your own floor.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.



07-20-02, 05:07 PM
So.. I was just wonderin... If we don't match one of these, we ain't no redneck, right?

07-21-02, 10:04 AM
Barrio_Rat.....your not a redneck then.........

A woman was upset that her husband never spent any time with her. He was always at the golf course. To spend more time with him, she decided to take lessons from the pro.

At the first lesson, the pro asked her to step up to the tee and hit a few balls to see how well she hit. She was TERRIBLE! She could only hit the ball 20 yards.

The pro said, "I think I see your problem. You need to take the club and hold it like you hold your husband's penis."

The next thing you know, she is hitting the ball straight down the fairway, and at least 200 yards.

The pro said "That is much better, but now you need to take the club out of your mouth and use your hands this time!"



07-21-02, 10:06 AM
The answer to the eternal question, "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at
an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he
made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He
makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to
save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m.
on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common
person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,
he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll
still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.



07-21-02, 10:09 AM
A salesman is driving down a country road one day
when his car broke down. There was a farm near by,
so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer
suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him
a ride into town to get the necessary parts for
his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome
of virginal beauty.

Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town
when he convinced her to pull over to the side of
the road to enlighten her about the facts of life.
They had some down and dirty sex all over the car,
and then went into town to get the car parts. By
the time they got into town, the auto store was
closed, so they had to return to the farm. The
farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in
the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.

The next morning the salesman went up to the
farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a
ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her
sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike
Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a
bit sleazy.
Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into
town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing
this time, and the salesman
had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it
back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman
fixed his car.
He thanked the farmer, left his address to they
could keep in touch in the future, and went on his
merry way.

A few months later the salesman received a later
from the farmer which contained only a poem:

Were you the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,

There's a swelling in her belly,
And you'd better get your ass back into town.

The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the
following response:

Yes, I was the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I met your daughter Venus,
I've had some problems with my penis,
So I guess we're pretty even all around.



07-21-02, 10:12 AM
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?"
"My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically.
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
"What will you do this summer, Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination.
"Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."



07-21-02, 10:14 AM
As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor."

"Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked.

"No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

"Why?" asked her husband.

His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."



07-21-02, 05:15 PM
.... I just have to post this......

07-21-02, 05:28 PM
Pretty interesting Bones.........

The price we have to pay...............




07-21-02, 05:35 PM
Now what can he be thinking....;) :D




07-21-02, 05:39 PM
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.* Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, Now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few, "he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? "

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. "

07-21-02, 05:43 PM
Good One NamNuts.........

Fair is Fair........Sorry Guys..........




07-22-02, 06:03 AM
One - Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and
will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination, etc. Conversation
will be of the polite, perfunctory variety (e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport
and the price of net curtains, etc ...). Some beer-mat flicking will be in
evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for
the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke.
Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

Two - Merry
With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the second
drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with
everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up
probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh
yeah - and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first
visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good
time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not
everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough

Three - Tipsy
Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport
part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume
copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up
until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and
sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a, "I'd give
that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all
about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first
belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type
of competition.

Four - Half-cut
Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much,
much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some
dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs
... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open
invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now
turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic
detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the
difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's
in your zip fly. Some girls will be working up to the first of the
evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.

Five - Drunk
Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody
loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's
all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the
need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take
over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

Six to Seven - Rat-arsed
Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if
anybody else can remember what the hell you were talking about, but mark my
words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a
one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to
interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the
flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the
theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but I am more the
opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the
pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with.
Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this
stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any
chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a

Eight to Ten - ****-faced (alternatively Wankered)
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive
mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight,
particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin,
teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet.
Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down at
the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine
but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this
stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice -

Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto
For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however,
nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll
fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there
was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the
slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly
show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the
overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the
pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its
orthopaedic qualities are well known.

Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead
You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff -
but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover
and try desperately to remember what the hell you did the night before, than
at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint
and get one in for yourself - cheers then.



07-22-02, 06:07 AM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son, "Go get your Mother."



07-22-02, 06:10 AM
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people,
telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts
"Theme Party: Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives. He opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what
emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather bow
wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow,
great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies,"I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it! Come on in and join the

A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings for the third time,
and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark
naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other
with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested
for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this
supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****in'
discustid, and my friend here has come in dis'pair."



07-22-02, 06:21 AM




07-22-02, 06:24 AM




07-22-02, 10:32 AM
The Rabbit

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

07-22-02, 10:33 AM
Q: Why did the Clintons decide to name their dog Buddy?
A: Because nobody wanted to yell, "Come, Spot," out loud:D

07-23-02, 12:30 AM
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping
the bill. Hundreds of people came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the
stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member
of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in
my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

07-23-02, 05:28 AM
sent to me be Freebird......


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just *******s.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others
- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking,
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

If not...tough ****



07-23-02, 05:38 AM

* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of

* Hot water now comes out of both taps

* You can make sun tea instantly

* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good
branding iron

* The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly

* You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your

* You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door
* You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end
up l lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state

* The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the

* The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull
one out
add butter, salt and pepper

* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them
hard boiled eggs

* The cows are giving evaporated milk

* The trees are whistling for the dogs



07-23-02, 05:47 AM
Whoever uses them.......




07-23-02, 05:52 AM
In Black and White.....




07-23-02, 06:02 AM
Now this is real. Happen to find this and scanned it for their granchillinzns to marvel over hehehe

I think these two dopes were around 11 or 12 years, 1957-8?

They were back for lunch...LoL

Yes, both did tours in the Corps!


07-23-02, 07:22 AM
Roger I couldn`t stop laughing reading about the Bricklayer. U send the greatest jokes I read. Frank

07-24-02, 05:12 AM
A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there.

Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: "Hey, bud, what are you looking for?"

"You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk.

The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!"

"What did you find?"

"The shore!" he exclaimed.



07-24-02, 05:14 AM
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any
sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but
he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and
said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back
to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"
"I'm willing, let's go," she said.
They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed
for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how
tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be
a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if
I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".
Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get
an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"



07-24-02, 05:33 AM
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.

So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!



07-24-02, 05:42 AM
Office Play,




07-24-02, 05:47 AM
Senior Moment..........




07-24-02, 05:50 AM
Microsofts Idea...........




07-24-02, 06:58 PM
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,
he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to
pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew
of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former
tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than
a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

07-24-02, 07:08 PM
This is the way it was sent to me

Subject: Mouse Balls I don't know how they wrote this with a straight
This was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all
seriousness.. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the
floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It
is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge
of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an
unhappy customer.

07-24-02, 07:10 PM
Patent It!

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new
designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new
invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle!" replies the inventor.

"A fottle? That's a stupid name!" says the Patent Clerk. "Can't you
think of something else?"

"I'll think about it," says the inventor. "I've got something else
though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude," notes the clerk. "You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor, "you're really going to hate the
name of my folding bucket."

07-25-02, 06:29 AM
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.

She asks, "What's this for?"

"This is for your headache," he says.

She replies, "But I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"



07-25-02, 06:32 AM
* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.



07-25-02, 06:35 AM
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"



07-25-02, 07:16 AM

07-25-02, 07:20 AM

07-25-02, 07:23 AM

07-25-02, 05:17 PM
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning, and as they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and
Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it
at him," he says .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair,
rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and
slams the cage door shut and yells: "Now, tell HIM you have a
:yes: :D

07-25-02, 05:55 PM
I've got a few signs a buddy sent me, thought I'd share 'em with y'all.


07-25-02, 05:57 PM
Here's another...

07-25-02, 06:01 PM
yeah yeah.. but only 5 more after this one...

07-25-02, 06:03 PM
Are ya singin that song while looking at these?

07-25-02, 06:05 PM
Are you keeping count?


07-25-02, 06:06 PM
Number 6....

07-25-02, 06:08 PM
Okay.. we're almost there....

07-25-02, 06:10 PM
Here's the last of 'em... Not necessarily the best but I think they are all pretty funny.

07-25-02, 06:17 PM
This is an actual event... article is from a newspaper.

07-25-02, 06:40 PM

07-26-02, 05:57 AM
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.

Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and my JD.

Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"



:bunny: :banana:

07-26-02, 06:07 AM
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,

"Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on

beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more

as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for

their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons

and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we

supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their

pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while

they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of

portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the

OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he

still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went


If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that

considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?



:banana: :bunny:

07-26-02, 06:16 AM
Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

Recommendation: BUY


Marine Nomenclature (http://photo.starblvd.net/namvets/6-1-2.jpg)

07-27-02, 07:52 AM
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last



07-27-02, 07:54 AM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."



07-27-02, 07:58 AM
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"



07-27-02, 08:06 AM

07-27-02, 03:43 PM

07-27-02, 03:53 PM

07-28-02, 08:25 AM


07-28-02, 08:45 AM


07-28-02, 09:05 AM

:banana: :bunny:

07-29-02, 05:17 AM

07-29-02, 05:27 AM
http://cartoons.oneml.com/c/ms/ctms231.jpg:banana: :banana:

07-29-02, 05:29 AM
:banana: :bunny:

07-29-02, 05:36 AM
The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition in 1998 was keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. Entries did not have the élan of some previous ones, but are a worthy catalogue of stupidity, incompetence and had luck.

1. In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in 50 cm of water after squeezing headfirst through a 30cm-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 30 m cliff on his daily run.

3. In Buxton, North Carolina, a man died on a beach when a 2.5 m hole he had dug in the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him. People on the beach used their hands and shovels to get to Jones but failed. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, California, when he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused by the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) ramming into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. In Dahlongega, Georgia, 20-year-old Nick Berrena was killed when fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak-vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell Jr, 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head?on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing in their snowmobiles.

8. A seven-year-old boy fell off a 30m bluff near Ozark, Arkansas after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Honorable mentions

1. In Guthrie, Oklahoma, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock and hit pal Anotonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio Martyn Eskins was attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement. He declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stilter, 47, was hospitalized in Andover, New Jersey, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival includes five days of amateur bullfighting. No bull was killed, but dozens of amateur matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbitized. Said one participant, `It's just one bull against a town of a thousand morons.'

Some more also-rans

1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Jerry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions to his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a goodbye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. 'I'm still not sure why I did it,' she said later. ' I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds.' However, cabbie Vegas did see and lost control of his car, running over the kerb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly after and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with sour tasting foam. She ran for the poison control center, only a few blocks away, where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. In La Grange, Georgia, attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cellphone removed from his rectum. 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,' he said later. 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tiles, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.' The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode,' said Dr Dennis Crobe. 'Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. 'three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time he made jokes about it that had us rolling on the floor. By the time he finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.'

4, In Tacoma, Washington, Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4.30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 12 m before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. 'All I can say,' said Bingham, 'is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.' Bingham's foot was never located.

5. Also in the state of Washington, a Bremerton couple, Christopher and Emily Coulter, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a large bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back and tore away Christopher's penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. 'Chris is just plain lucky,' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. 'Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage cause by the dog's teeth to the penis is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh.' Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb and Washington animal control has no plans to seize Rudy.

The winner

And the overwhelming winner is... Friedrich Riesfeldt. An overzealous zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany, who fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 100 kg of excrement. Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. 'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,' said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. (Cops speak funny in Germany too!) 'With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before he was discovered.'



07-29-02, 05:39 AM
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."



07-29-02, 07:40 AM

07-29-02, 09:09 AM
Both pictures are of US Presidents visiting the Korean DMZ..

The guy on the right is President Bush looking at the ChiComs.

The dipstick on the left is married to the worlds smartest woman and is looking through binoculars with the lens caps still on.

He's more interested in posing than actually seeing anything..


07-29-02, 09:19 AM
when it comes to his wife, would you want to see this?


07-29-02, 01:18 PM
Bones at a job interview...

07-29-02, 01:20 PM
I think this is funny but I'm almost suprised that the anti-gunners don't use this tactic...

07-29-02, 11:25 PM

This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named
Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State
of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the letter
before you get to the response-----------

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson,
MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of
this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no
permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that
this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

This is the actual response sent back -------------

Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or
Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a
couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation- so
the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but
if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.
Stephen L.Tvedten


07-29-02, 11:29 PM
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made
of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

I'm blamin that one on the squid, too! LMAO

07-30-02, 06:01 AM

07-30-02, 06:04 AM

07-30-02, 06:06 AM

07-30-02, 06:15 AM
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."



07-30-02, 06:17 AM
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, and because you are still CLEVER, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH, and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.



07-30-02, 08:43 AM


A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898.00."

The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

07-30-02, 08:48 AM

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said,

"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!"


07-30-02, 08:50 AM
Q: Did you here about the Blond who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.


07-30-02, 11:15 AM
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

When they're rich. Pam, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kevin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........"

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

07-30-02, 05:18 PM
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If it's a 50 mph wind, and you drive your car 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head out the window, do you feel the wind?


When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home.

One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked,

"How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.

"If you smile, put them back.

07-30-02, 05:21 PM
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you've got to read this!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NRP) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? ...

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

07-30-02, 05:41 PM
That just might be the best comeback of all time.
Semper Fi

07-31-02, 05:13 AM

07-31-02, 05:16 AM

07-31-02, 05:18 AM

07-31-02, 05:21 AM

07-31-02, 05:27 AM
A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work."

The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin' Maytag man?" and hung up. The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing.
She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin' Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up.

She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty."

The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex
with me - your choice."

Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex.

The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The
lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin' Betty Crocker?"



07-31-02, 05:34 AM
This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six litres of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No that's just for me, can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

And the groom replies, "No, I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"



07-31-02, 05:35 AM
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!



07-31-02, 01:24 PM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the
Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going on up here?" We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,



08-01-02, 06:26 AM
During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancee wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.

When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancee was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.

When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.

"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms."

"You will rap on the door. She will answer,'Yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer all night."



08-01-02, 06:28 AM
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride cross country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant.

The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.

The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.

The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.

The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.

Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!



08-01-02, 06:29 AM
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."


08-01-02, 06:33 AM

08-01-02, 06:36 AM

08-01-02, 06:38 AM

08-01-02, 11:31 AM
Gawd, I got to stop in here at this thread more often these jokes always crack me up :banana: :yes: :smiley:

08-01-02, 06:07 PM
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining this to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started hugging and kissing her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. this is when her fever started.

I knew it was a fever, because 'Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down by the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis was brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.



08-02-02, 12:02 AM
Artery.......................the study of paintings

Bacteria....................the back door of a cafeteria

Bowel.......................a letter like a, e, i, o, u

Caesarean Section...a neighborhood in Rome

Cat Scan..................searching for kitty

Cauterize..................made eye contact with her

Colic.........................a sheep dog

D&C.........................where Washington is

Dilate........................to live long

Enema......................not a friend


Genital.....................not a Jew

G.I. series.................soldier ball game

Hang nail..................coat hook

Impotent...................distinguished, well known

Labor pain................getting hurt at work

Medical Staff............a doctor's cane

Morbid.....................higher offer

Nitrates....................cheaper than day rates

Out Patient...............a person that fainted

Pap Smear...............a fatherhood test

Pelvis.......................a cousin of Elvis

Post Operative..........a letter carrier

Recovery Room........a place to do upholstery

Rectum....................dang neared killed him

Seizure....................Roman Emperor

Tablet......................a small table

Terminal Illness........getting sick at the airport

Tumor......................more than one

Urine........................opposite of you're out



08-02-02, 09:46 AM
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied the Marine. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


08-02-02, 09:48 AM
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two-hundred and fifty times."



08-02-02, 09:56 AM

08-02-02, 09:59 AM

08-02-02, 04:06 PM
Needed Material
one cat
one toilet
one bar lye soap shaved into the toilet

Pick up cat and carry into the bathroom drop cat into toilet boal and shut lid cat will self agitate be sure to hold lid down flush toilet several times to rinse and do not mind the load noises that the cat is making these are sounds of joy that it is getting this bath that it loves.

Raise lid and stand back cat is now washed and will dry its self repeat as needed.

the dog and the bird

08-03-02, 01:04 AM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little runt, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's left breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but totally useless in a fight."

08-03-02, 09:23 AM
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"


Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jane.

To which Mary added, "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

08-03-02, 09:25 AM
The other night , a few friends of mine went out to this "Lady's Club." One of the women wanted to impress us. So, she pulled out a $10 bill.

The male dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 bill and put it on his butt. Not to be out done, one of the other women pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill, and put it on his other butt cheek.

Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down the male dancer's crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.


Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

08-04-02, 01:03 AM
1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were An Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster.. And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

08-04-02, 01:05 AM
Found on a T-Shirt.


08-04-02, 01:07 AM
In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award -for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.

All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial)

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving child was Ms. Robertson's own son.

2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.B Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. And just so you know that rational minds do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low," The case was quickly dismissed.

08-04-02, 05:05 AM
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day, and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

The husband replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"



08-04-02, 05:08 AM
One evening, an older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set the drink down, he asked the old man, "Going to a party?"

"Yes. It's a costume party," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But, you look like Abraham Lincoln," protested the bartender.

The old gentleman replied, "That's right, sonny. My last four scores were seven years ago."


Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic...'"


"I looked up 'politics' in the dictionary, and it's actually a combination of two words; 'poli,' which means many, and 'tics,' which means 'bloodsuckers.'"
-Jay Leno



08-04-02, 05:13 AM
Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. "Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"



08-04-02, 05:33 AM
:banana: http://funnypics.oneml.com/i/pe/p141.jpg:banana:

08-04-02, 05:39 AM

08-05-02, 06:09 AM
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday. As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.



08-05-02, 06:10 AM
After work on a Friday evening, three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah? Well, for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go f*** herself."


One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."



08-05-02, 10:15 AM
IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I aked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:" too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg.
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually-challenged coworker of mine when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented: This is fune we should do it more often.
Not one word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."


:yes: :yes:

08-05-02, 10:34 AM
This Is From A Florida Newspaper...

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motor-cycle and somehow,the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash,ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,the wife went down several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor,the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent,went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen,heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks,the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them on the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how her husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

08-05-02, 11:20 AM
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
7. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
8. Sniffle incessantly.
9. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
13. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
14. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
15. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
16. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
17. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
18. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
19. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
20. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
22. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
23. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
24. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
25. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
26. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
27. Honk and wave to strangers.
28. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
29. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
30. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
33. only type in lowercase.
34. dont use any punctuation either
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
41. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
42. At the laundramat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
43. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
44. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
45. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
47. Ask people what gender they are.
48. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
49. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
50. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
51. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..
52. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
53. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
54. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
55. Send a list of "67 Ways to be Annoying" - but only send 55

08-05-02, 11:25 AM
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

08-05-02, 11:31 AM
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

08-05-02, 11:35 AM
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say,"Oh sh*t!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"

11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

08-06-02, 07:04 AM
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him. "Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.

"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.

The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"

"It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied.

About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's "thing" was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"