Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Press Bell
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a
sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman
clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then
another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."

[thedrifter]

Celebrity Golf
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the record business going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that under control now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."

Stevie says "Well, I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"

"Any night next week is ok with me."

[thedrifter]

Nursing Home Mishaps
A man was placed in a home for the aged by his children,
who thought he could not manage at home alone anymore.

When he arrived, a lovely young nurse showed him to his
room and suggested he take a shower before dinner. While
he was in the shower, she came in and had sex with him.
She told him he did not have to dress for dinner and
should just put on his johnny robe.

As he was shuffling along the corridor to dinner, he
fell down, and before he knew it, a muscular male
attendant jumped him and "shtupped" him.

That night, his children came to see him, and he told
them the day's occurrences.

"Well, Dad," said his daughter, "you have to take the
good with the bad."

The old man said, "The problem is that I only have
an erection once a year, but I fall on my face
five times a day!"

[thedrifter]

Argument
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting a the table.
Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper
and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his
newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma
upside the head.

She says, "Now what's that for?"

He says, "That's for knowing the difference."

[thedrifter]

Savings Finally Pay Off
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon
wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that
the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was
a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down
the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto
the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little
shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've
been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed
to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up
for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

[Phantom Blooper]

"What is Politics?" Dad says,"Well son,let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family,so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money,so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother we'll call him theFuture. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said.Later that night he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him.He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy say's to his father,"Dad,I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says "Good,son tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies,"The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.The People are ignored and the Future is in Deep Sh* t.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its a*s when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way,"said the zoo keeper, "its the most ferosious beast in the zoo.Why just an hour ago it drug a war protester into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor," but why is it lying there licking its a*s ?"" The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth," said the zoo keeper.:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

It was an Early Time on a Mellow Day that me and Jim Beam went out huntin' for someWild Turkey. We couldn't find any Wild Turkey so we had to settle for some Old Crow. Frankly I'm a Beefeater myself. The we went down to Old Grandads house. His wife was the Creme of the South. She gave us allot of Southern Comfort. She was dressed real pretty in that Black Velvet with those Four Roses in her hair.After dinner of eatin' that Old Crow we went outside and sat on Old Grandads back porch. He had some water around his place,so we was watchin' the Canadian Mist come on the water and there was some Cutty Sharks out there too. Just about this time a herd full of Mad Dog come runnin' down through the woods there must have been about twenty of them. The Moon was Shinin' real bright that night and off into the distance you can see bolts of White Lightning coming down. Old Grandad has some Swans that a fella by the name of T.J. dropped off,they feed on Rye & Barley. Well we decided the next day we were going down to see Johnny Walker Black and help him paint his barnRed. He lives at 151 Everclear Drive down next to Boones Farm by J&B's Gin Mill.:) :banana: ;)

[thedrifter]

Virus


Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is
a virus out there called the C-nile Virus that even the most
advanced AntiVirus programs cannot take care of, so be warned.
It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!


Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

[thedrifter]

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up.

After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[thedrifter]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE ****."

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

[thedrifter]

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

[thedrifter]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back toher. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.

"Again, "Thank you," and that they would get back to her. Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they had asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for awhile and replied, "I would like to go to the sun.

"The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

[thedrifter]

Cows: With a New Twist

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

[thedrifter]

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?

"Ten boys."

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."

"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."

[thedrifter]

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

[thedrifter]

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

"Infrequently", he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?

[thedrifter]

An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!!!"

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!!!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really ****ed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."

[thedrifter]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[thedrifter]

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

[thedrifter]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

[thedrifter]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[thedrifter]

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[thedrifter]

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[thedrifter]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

[thedrifter]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

[thedrifter]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[thedrifter]

Ten Commandments

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when

he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you

decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my

hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like

mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew

that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave

it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal

Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat.

What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I

decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not

Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt

Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

[thedrifter]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down
and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And
that's when I shot the little bastard

[thedrifter]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

[thedrifter]

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day
fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather
and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across
the lake.
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier
tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier
to surface. But the skiers life preserver came up without him. Feeling
responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try
and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the water skier lying
on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim
doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled,
"Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

[thedrifter]

Jay Leno

Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It
made me realize, you know what they need more than food and
medicine? Dancing lessons. They don't know how to dance. They
haven't danced in 30 years.

Tonight President Bush warned, don't be too gleeful, there
are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie
Chicks, Susan Sarandon...

Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been
spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also
spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and
eastern Baghdad.

You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a
restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating.
Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam
Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they'd
make their move.

They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually,
we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out
it was also karaoke night.

We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein's palaces and
residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was
hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Democrates
treat the homeless!

Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking
stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters
say they haven't seen looting like this since Clinton's last
days in the white house.

[thedrifter]

Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein! (cheers) The good news is
that Iraq is ours. The bad news, Iraq is ours.

Now we begin the difficult process in Iraq of building them
into a strong, independent nation that will one day hate us.

The Iraqi information minister missed his press conference
today. However, he claims that it still went well.

The weather in Iraq is around 100 degrees and it's a lot
hotter where Saddam is!

[thedrifter]

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked.

'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'

[thedrifter]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[thedrifter]

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

[thedrifter]

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!"

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

[thedrifter]

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[thedrifter]

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

"You're right sir I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

[thedrifter]

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say "Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!" Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I rush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.

He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.

After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault I'm in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date". "Oh no" said his friend "she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion."

[thedrifter]

The Ghost
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted
castle determined to get a picture of a
ghost which was said to appear only once
in a hundred years.

Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the
photographer sat in the dark until midnight
when the apparition became visible.

The ghost turned out to be friendly and
consented to pose for one snapshot. The
happy photographer popped a bulb into
his camera and took the picture.

After dashing into his studio, the
photographer developed the negative
and groaned. It was underexposed and
completely blank.

Moral: The spirit was willing, but the
flash was weak.

[thedrifter]

Waterloo
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down
waiting for the bartender to see him. The man
next to him calls for the bartender saying,
"I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then
asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have
a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him a tall
ice cold drink.

He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any
good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and
says, "Well, it is water...right, Lou?

[thedrifter]

You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When.....
You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs
the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

[thedrifter]

Let Me Think About This.......
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned
sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and
olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked, "Is he
your husband?"

"Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....
"I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." After the salesman
left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took
him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was
trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[thedrifter]

Mark the Spot
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him
to take her fishing but he kept telling her
she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him
down, he consented, and early one morning they
took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish
began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a
fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After
catching their limit, Bubba said,

"Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good
luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time.
If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these
fish, we'll go home."

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
"Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all
the fish are so next time I'll know?"

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of
the boat right down closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever
seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We
may not get the same boat the next time!"

[thedrifter]

X-Rated Rentals
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before,
so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes
to the video store and, after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video
store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some
of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'

[thedrifter]

The Subway
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City
for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food
and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered
outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled
into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street,
he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should
see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[thedrifter]

That's Cheap!
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar
and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied

"Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could
I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and
a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir, "replies the bartender, "but all that
comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who
owns this place?"

The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to
his business."

[thedrifter]

Reasons to Sign Off and Read a Book
1. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy " -- for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.

18. "Where did the time go??"

19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.

25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.

26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".

29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life

[thedrifter]

Hypnosis
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife
sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with
self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early
into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the
bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this
therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my
wife...She's not my wife..."

[thedrifter]

Name Calling
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman
leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "*****!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[thedrifter]

Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes
A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and
Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've
lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time
so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette,
meet Me halfway on this.

Buy a ticket!"

[thedrifter]

Women in Space
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new
NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to
go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I
would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with
all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on
the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her
that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked
her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn
to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get
back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same
question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought
for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you
went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Boy, are you
guys dumb. I'd go at night!"

[thedrifter]

Scary
Mark and Carey were walking down the road when Mark tells
Carey, "I'm gonna take you there behind that bush and
scares ya good". So he drags Carey, kicking and screaming,
behind the bush and has sex with her.

Later, they're walking down the road again and Carey says
to Mark, "Mark, hon, take me behind that bush and scare
me again." So he takes her once again behind the bush
and has sex with her.

After a time, Mark and Carey are walking along when Carey
asks Mark to again take her behind a bush and scare her.
Mark obliges and the two have sex once more.

A short while later they are on their way again when
Carey turns to Mark and says sweetly, "Mark, scare me
just one more time."

Mark says, "BOO, dammitt!"

[thedrifter]

High Winds
An old lady was standing of the deck of the
cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it
would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did
you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that you are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, any part of my body that you see
85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[thedrifter]

Let's See This
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an this woman
waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing
a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the woman smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see
your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

[thedrifter]

Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I
thought."

[thedrifter]

First-Aid
Two men from the country were sitting at a bar
when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one turned
to the other and said, "That gal is havin' a bad
time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

The man ran over to the young lady, held both
sides of her head in his big hands and asked,
"Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldn't swallow.
Then, the man asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping,
she motioned that she couldn't breathe. With that,
the man yanked up her skirt and licked her butt. The
young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she
coughed up the piece of hamburger and began breathing
on her own.

The man sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya
know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver
always works!"

[downundergrl]

Granny's Condom
> >
> >Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
> >started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
> >put
> >it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
> >
> >Lady 1: What's that?
> >
> >Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> >
> >Lady 1: Where did you get it?
> >
> >Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >
> >The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
> >announces
> >to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> >
> >The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
> >after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
> >she
> >prefers.
> >
> >Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
> >
> >The pharmacist fainted

[thedrifter]

The Man in the Tweed Jacket

One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road. I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the bartender isn't sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees. The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts. The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250. The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital. The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, "It comes to $250."

The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, "That's fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?"

[thedrifter]

Bumper Stickers

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

[thedrifter]

Ooops
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

[thedrifter]

The Funeral Procession
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

[thedrifter]

Football

College Exam for Football Players
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?

(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe

18. Advanced math.

If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

[thedrifter]

Bathroom Wisdom
If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Spanish name?

Make love, not war.

Heck, do both - get married!

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her.

Bad spellers untie!!!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

If you can **** this high, join the fire department. On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

To do is to be. -Descartes

To be is to do. -Voltaire

Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

God is dead. -Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. -God

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!

Sign over one of the urinals.

Express Lane: Five beers or less

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom

No wonder you always go home alone.

[thedrifter]

Thoughts to Ponder

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

[thedrifter]

Hunting

2 For 1
A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deer Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

[thedrifter]

Excuse Notes

Excuse Notes (Allegedly Original, including spelling)

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

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Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the craps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

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Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

[thedrifter]

Good Sh!t

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back,
a 15 pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says,
"This is ****."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on
His back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and
marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
"This is good ****!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, weapon in
hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and
marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a
grin, "This really is great ****."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp
with a 65 pound pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming
12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says,
"The cable's out? What kind of **** is this?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[thedrifter]

DRUNK

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[thedrifter]

Got Beer?

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight."

Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy's ass.

Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

[thedrifter]

Humorous Quotations

I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way any more. They leave it on the dresser.
--- Shirley Maclaine

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
--- Paul Dickson

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
--- A.J. Toynbee

America is a country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
--- John Barrymore

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.
--- A.A. Milne.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--- Robert A. Heinlein.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
--- Shirley Temple.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
--- Frederick Ryder.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
--- Garrison Keillor.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
--- Wilson Mizner.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
--- John Barrymore.

IEconomists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.
--- Bill Vaughan.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
--- Mae West.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
--- Robert Hutchins.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
--- Noel Coward.

[thedrifter]

The Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

[thedrifter]

Witness
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Johnny Shea was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

[thedrifter]

Military Acronyms
NAVY
Never Again Volunteer Yourself

MARINE
Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential

ARMY
Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet

US ARMY (Spelled backwards)
Yes Retarded Ass Signed Up

[thedrifter]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

You vote Democrat because it's easier than getting a job!

You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam".

You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.

If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law" at least once a week.

If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".

If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said it right" during an episode of Oprah.

You call the execution of a homicidal maniac "murder" but call murder "pro-choice".

You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.

You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too bad a shape.

All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing" signs now have "Beware of Global Warming" on the back.

Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Grateful Dead show, but your not sure what year you saw them.

You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating that your bags are subject to inspection.

You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".

Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".

You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Saddam Hussein would fold like rookie poker player.

You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Women's Studies"

You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women of this country!"

You blame things on "The Man."

You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.

You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's inhumanity to man!"

You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.

You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.

You are giddy at the prospect of the return of bell bottoms.

You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.

You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture refinement

After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is under-taxed".

You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this".

You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling".

You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is covering up: Roswell, the Kennedy assassination, the CIA's role in creating AIDS.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.

You've ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus.

You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still display it.

You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this important".

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget cuts."

You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.

You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.

You feel that Green Peace is misunderstood.

You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend.

You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.

You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so....".

You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any bearing on doing his job?"

You don't understand all the commotion about Whitewater, Vince Foster, selling US foreign policy for campaign contributions, it's just politics, right?

[thedrifter]

Drunk and the Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[thedrifter]

High Tech.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

[thedrifter]

The Duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.

Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.

So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.
The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"

The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

[thedrifter]

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