Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Press Bell
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a
sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman
clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then
another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."

[thedrifter]

Celebrity Golf
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the record business going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that under control now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."

Stevie says "Well, I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"

"Any night next week is ok with me."

[thedrifter]

Nursing Home Mishaps
A man was placed in a home for the aged by his children,
who thought he could not manage at home alone anymore.

When he arrived, a lovely young nurse showed him to his
room and suggested he take a shower before dinner. While
he was in the shower, she came in and had sex with him.
She told him he did not have to dress for dinner and
should just put on his johnny robe.

As he was shuffling along the corridor to dinner, he
fell down, and before he knew it, a muscular male
attendant jumped him and "shtupped" him.

That night, his children came to see him, and he told
them the day's occurrences.

"Well, Dad," said his daughter, "you have to take the
good with the bad."

The old man said, "The problem is that I only have
an erection once a year, but I fall on my face
five times a day!"

[thedrifter]

Argument
Grandpa and Grandma were sitting a the table.
Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper
and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What was that for?"

Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."

Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his
newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma
upside the head.

She says, "Now what's that for?"

He says, "That's for knowing the difference."

[thedrifter]

Savings Finally Pay Off
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon
wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that
the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was
a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down
the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto
the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little
shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've
been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed
to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up
for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

[Phantom Blooper]

"What is Politics?" Dad says,"Well son,let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family,so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money,so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother we'll call him theFuture. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said.Later that night he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him.He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning the little boy say's to his father,"Dad,I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says "Good,son tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies,"The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.The People are ignored and the Future is in Deep Sh* t.":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its a*s when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way,"said the zoo keeper, "its the most ferosious beast in the zoo.Why just an hour ago it drug a war protester into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor," but why is it lying there licking its a*s ?"" The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth," said the zoo keeper.:banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

It was an Early Time on a Mellow Day that me and Jim Beam went out huntin' for someWild Turkey. We couldn't find any Wild Turkey so we had to settle for some Old Crow. Frankly I'm a Beefeater myself. The we went down to Old Grandads house. His wife was the Creme of the South. She gave us allot of Southern Comfort. She was dressed real pretty in that Black Velvet with those Four Roses in her hair.After dinner of eatin' that Old Crow we went outside and sat on Old Grandads back porch. He had some water around his place,so we was watchin' the Canadian Mist come on the water and there was some Cutty Sharks out there too. Just about this time a herd full of Mad Dog come runnin' down through the woods there must have been about twenty of them. The Moon was Shinin' real bright that night and off into the distance you can see bolts of White Lightning coming down. Old Grandad has some Swans that a fella by the name of T.J. dropped off,they feed on Rye & Barley. Well we decided the next day we were going down to see Johnny Walker Black and help him paint his barnRed. He lives at 151 Everclear Drive down next to Boones Farm by J&B's Gin Mill.:) :banana: ;)

[thedrifter]

Virus


Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is
a virus out there called the C-nile Virus that even the most
advanced AntiVirus programs cannot take care of, so be warned.
It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!


Symptoms of C-nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to wonder who all the people in your address book
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

[thedrifter]

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up.

After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[thedrifter]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE ****."

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

[thedrifter]

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

[thedrifter]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back toher. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.

"Again, "Thank you," and that they would get back to her. Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they had asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for awhile and replied, "I would like to go to the sun.

"The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

[thedrifter]

Cows: With a New Twist

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

[thedrifter]

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?

"Ten boys."

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."

"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."

[thedrifter]

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

[thedrifter]

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".

"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

"Infrequently", he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?

[thedrifter]

An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!!!"

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!!!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really ****ed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."

[thedrifter]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[thedrifter]

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

[thedrifter]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

[thedrifter]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[thedrifter]

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"

[thedrifter]

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[thedrifter]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

"Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

[thedrifter]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

[thedrifter]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[thedrifter]

Ten Commandments

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when

he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you

decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my

hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like

mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew

that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave

it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal

Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat.

What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I

decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not

Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt

Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."

[thedrifter]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to
you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down
and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And
that's when I shot the little bastard

[thedrifter]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

[thedrifter]

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day
fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather
and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across
the lake.
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier
tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier
to surface. But the skiers life preserver came up without him. Feeling
responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try
and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the water skier lying
on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim
doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled,
"Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

[thedrifter]

Jay Leno

Did you see the Iraqi people dancing in the streets today? It
made me realize, you know what they need more than food and
medicine? Dancing lessons. They don't know how to dance. They
haven't danced in 30 years.

Tonight President Bush warned, don't be too gleeful, there
are still pockets of resistance. Barbra Streisand, the Dixie
Chicks, Susan Sarandon...

Reports are coming in now that Saddam Hussein has been
spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also
spotted in northern Baghdad, western Baghdad and
eastern Baghdad.

You know that story by now. The U.S. military bombed a
restaurant where they thought Saddam Hussein was eating.
Well, actually, the military heard it was either Saddam
Hussein or Geraldo. So they figured either way they'd
make their move.

They dropped four 2,000-pound bombs on the place. Actually,
we may have killed two birds with one stone. It turns out
it was also karaoke night.

We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein's palaces and
residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was
hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Democrates
treat the homeless!

Some Iraqis are looting the presidential palaces, taking
stationary, ashtrays, pillows, even a grand piano. Reporters
say they haven't seen looting like this since Clinton's last
days in the white house.

[thedrifter]

Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein! (cheers) The good news is
that Iraq is ours. The bad news, Iraq is ours.

Now we begin the difficult process in Iraq of building them
into a strong, independent nation that will one day hate us.

The Iraqi information minister missed his press conference
today. However, he claims that it still went well.

The weather in Iraq is around 100 degrees and it's a lot
hotter where Saddam is!

[thedrifter]

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked.

'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'

[thedrifter]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[thedrifter]

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

[thedrifter]

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug."

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!"

"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

[thedrifter]

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[thedrifter]

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

"You're right sir I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

[thedrifter]

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say "Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!" Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I rush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.

He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.

After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault I'm in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date". "Oh no" said his friend "she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion."

[thedrifter]

The Ghost
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted
castle determined to get a picture of a
ghost which was said to appear only once
in a hundred years.

Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the
photographer sat in the dark until midnight
when the apparition became visible.

The ghost turned out to be friendly and
consented to pose for one snapshot. The
happy photographer popped a bulb into
his camera and took the picture.

After dashing into his studio, the
photographer developed the negative
and groaned. It was underexposed and
completely blank.

Moral: The spirit was willing, but the
flash was weak.

[thedrifter]

Waterloo
A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down
waiting for the bartender to see him. The man
next to him calls for the bartender saying,
"I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then
asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.
Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have
a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him a tall
ice cold drink.

He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any
good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and
says, "Well, it is water...right, Lou?

[thedrifter]

You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When.....
You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs
the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

[thedrifter]

Let Me Think About This.......
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned
sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and
olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked, "Is he
your husband?"

"Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....
"I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "she's not for sale." After the salesman
left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took
him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was
trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[thedrifter]

Mark the Spot
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him
to take her fishing but he kept telling her
she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore him
down, he consented, and early one morning they
took off to the lake.

They had not been there very long when the fish
began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a
fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After
catching their limit, Bubba said,

"Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good
luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time.
If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these
fish, we'll go home."

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
"Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all
the fish are so next time I'll know?"

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of
the boat right down closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever
seed you do. Don't you know that won't work? We
may not get the same boat the next time!"

[thedrifter]

X-Rated Rentals
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before,
so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes
to the video store and, after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video
store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some
of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'

[thedrifter]

The Subway
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City
for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food
and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered
outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled
into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street,
he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should
see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[thedrifter]

That's Cheap!
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar
and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied

"Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could
I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and
a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir, "replies the bartender, "but all that
comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who
owns this place?"

The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to
his business."

[thedrifter]

Reasons to Sign Off and Read a Book
1. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been busy " -- for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.

18. "Where did the time go??"

19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.

25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.

26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".

29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life

[thedrifter]

Hypnosis
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife
sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with
self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early
into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the
bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this
therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my
wife...She's not my wife..."

[thedrifter]

Name Calling
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman
leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "*****!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[thedrifter]

Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes
A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and
Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've
lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time
so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette,
meet Me halfway on this.

Buy a ticket!"

[thedrifter]

Women in Space
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new
NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to
go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I
would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with
all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on
the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her
that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked
her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn
to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get
back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same
question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought
for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you
went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Boy, are you
guys dumb. I'd go at night!"

[thedrifter]

Scary
Mark and Carey were walking down the road when Mark tells
Carey, "I'm gonna take you there behind that bush and
scares ya good". So he drags Carey, kicking and screaming,
behind the bush and has sex with her.

Later, they're walking down the road again and Carey says
to Mark, "Mark, hon, take me behind that bush and scare
me again." So he takes her once again behind the bush
and has sex with her.

After a time, Mark and Carey are walking along when Carey
asks Mark to again take her behind a bush and scare her.
Mark obliges and the two have sex once more.

A short while later they are on their way again when
Carey turns to Mark and says sweetly, "Mark, scare me
just one more time."

Mark says, "BOO, dammitt!"

[thedrifter]

High Winds
An old lady was standing of the deck of the
cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it
would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did
you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that you are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, any part of my body that you see
85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[thedrifter]

Let's See This
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an this woman
waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing
a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the woman smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see
your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

[thedrifter]

Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I
thought."

[thedrifter]

First-Aid
Two men from the country were sitting at a bar
when a young lady nearby began to choke on a
hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one turned
to the other and said, "That gal is havin' a bad
time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."

The man ran over to the young lady, held both
sides of her head in his big hands and asked,
"Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldn't swallow.
Then, the man asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping,
she motioned that she couldn't breathe. With that,
the man yanked up her skirt and licked her butt. The
young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she
coughed up the piece of hamburger and began breathing
on her own.

The man sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya
know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver
always works!"

[downundergrl]

Granny's Condom
> >
> >Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
> >started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
> >put
> >it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
> >
> >Lady 1: What's that?
> >
> >Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
> >
> >Lady 1: Where did you get it?
> >
> >Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
> >
> >The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
> >announces
> >to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
> >
> >The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
> >after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
> >she
> >prefers.
> >
> >Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
> >
> >The pharmacist fainted

[thedrifter]

The Man in the Tweed Jacket

One night in the small bar, the bartender is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he continues talking to his regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing sunglasses walks over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at Psychiatric hospital down the road. I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane patients into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say, next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the bartender isn't sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals to him. So he agrees. The following Tuesday, the man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses appears with about ten people. He told the bartender, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The bartender has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the patients to eat plenty of peanuts. The patients have a great time, getting drunk, but they did behave themselves. At closing time the bartender added up the bill and came up to over $250. The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses begins to organize the patients, so that they can go back to the hospital. The bartender approaches the man in the tweed jacket and says, "It comes to $250."

The man in the tweed jacket and sunglasses smiles and says, "That's fine. Do you happen to have change for a dustbin lid?"

[thedrifter]

Bumper Stickers

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Eschew obfuscation. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

[thedrifter]

Ooops
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

[thedrifter]

The Funeral Procession
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

[thedrifter]

Football

College Exam for Football Players
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?

(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe

18. Advanced math.

If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

[thedrifter]

Bathroom Wisdom
If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Spanish name?

Make love, not war.

Heck, do both - get married!

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her.

Bad spellers untie!!!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

If you can **** this high, join the fire department. On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

To do is to be. -Descartes

To be is to do. -Voltaire

Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra

God is dead. -Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. -God

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!

Sign over one of the urinals.

Express Lane: Five beers or less

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom

No wonder you always go home alone.

[thedrifter]

Thoughts to Ponder

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

[thedrifter]

Hunting

2 For 1
A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deer Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

[thedrifter]

Excuse Notes

Excuse Notes (Allegedly Original, including spelling)

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

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Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the craps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

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Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

[thedrifter]

Good Sh!t

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back,
a 15 pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says,
"This is ****."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on
His back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and
marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
"This is good ****!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, weapon in
hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and
marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a
grin, "This really is great ****."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp
with a 65 pound pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after
jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming
12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp,
then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp,
says, "I love this ****!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says,
"The cable's out? What kind of **** is this?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[thedrifter]

DRUNK

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[thedrifter]

Got Beer?

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

His wife starts complaining you never take me anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub. They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for him and his wife.

While he was gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry. Joe's wife exclaims, "you sick pervert get out of my sight."

Joe returned and his wife told him what happened and to go kick that guy's ass.

Joe said, "No way you don't mess with a guy who can drink that much beer".

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter)

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

[thedrifter]

Humorous Quotations

I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way any more. They leave it on the dresser.
--- Shirley Maclaine

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
--- Paul Dickson

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
--- A.J. Toynbee

America is a country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
--- John Barrymore

Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.
--- A.A. Milne.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--- Robert A. Heinlein.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
--- Shirley Temple.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
--- Frederick Ryder.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
--- Garrison Keillor.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
--- Wilson Mizner.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
--- John Barrymore.

IEconomists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.
--- Bill Vaughan.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
--- Mae West.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
--- Robert Hutchins.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
--- Noel Coward.

[thedrifter]

The Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

[thedrifter]

Witness
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Johnny Shea was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

[thedrifter]

Military Acronyms
NAVY
Never Again Volunteer Yourself

MARINE
Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential

ARMY
Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet

US ARMY (Spelled backwards)
Yes Retarded Ass Signed Up

[thedrifter]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

You vote Democrat because it's easier than getting a job!

You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam".

You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.

If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law" at least once a week.

If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".

If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said it right" during an episode of Oprah.

You call the execution of a homicidal maniac "murder" but call murder "pro-choice".

You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a conversation.

You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too bad a shape.

All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing" signs now have "Beware of Global Warming" on the back.

Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Grateful Dead show, but your not sure what year you saw them.

You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating that your bags are subject to inspection.

You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".

Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic, lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous personnel".

You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Saddam Hussein would fold like rookie poker player.

You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Women's Studies"

You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for the women of this country!"

You blame things on "The Man."

You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.

You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's inhumanity to man!"

You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian society.

You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.

You are giddy at the prospect of the return of bell bottoms.

You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized militias.

You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture refinement

After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is under-taxed".

You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this".

You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling".

You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is covering up: Roswell, the Kennedy assassination, the CIA's role in creating AIDS.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.

You've ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus.

You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still display it.

You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this important".

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget cuts."

You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work.

You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.

You feel that Green Peace is misunderstood.

You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend.

You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.

You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so....".

You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any bearing on doing his job?"

You don't understand all the commotion about Whitewater, Vince Foster, selling US foreign policy for campaign contributions, it's just politics, right?

[thedrifter]

Drunk and the Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[thedrifter]

High Tech.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

[thedrifter]

The Duck

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.

Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.

So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.
The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"

The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

[thedrifter]

Book Titles

The French Chefby
Sue Flay

Tight Situation
by Leah Tard

Unemployed
by Anita Job

Off to Market
by Tobias A. Pigg

I Lived in Detroit
by Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please
by Arthur Itis

Handel's Messiah
by Ollie Luyah

Downpour!
by Wayne Dwops

Cloning
by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring
by Lynn O'Leum

Holmes Does it Again
by Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV
by Eddie Buddyhome

Neither a Borrower
by Nora Lender Bee

The Scent of a Man
by Jim Nasium

Is O. J. Guilty?
by Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses
by Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation
by Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear
by Lucy Lastic

House Construction
by Bill Jerome Home

Yellow River
by Iam Ping

Lewis Carroll
by Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy
by Warren Peace

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast
by Kareem O' Wheat

Why Cars Stop
by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows
by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger
by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing
by Andover Hand

It's Springtime!
by Theresa Green

No!
by Kurt Reply

And Shut Up!
by Sid Downe

40 Yards to the Latrine
by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont

Glass Bikini
by Seymore Skynn

Yellow River
by I. P. Freely

Sex on the Beach
by Sandy Shortz

[thedrifter]

Tom Swifties

"Boy, these blintzes are good!" said Tom judiciously.

" I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.

" ," said Tom blankly.

" ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.

"I've struck oil," Tom said, crudely.

"A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully.

"Add this list of n numbers and divide the sum by n," said Tom meanly.

"As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.

"Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.

"Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.

"Buy me something to drink?" said Tom dryly.

"Get away from the dynamite," Tom said explosively.

"Give me some more macaroni and cheese, and I'll tell you," said Tom craftily.

"I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.

"I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.

"I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.

"I commanded a group of ships for a week," Tom said fleetingly.

"As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.

"I forgot what to buy," Tom said listlessly.

"I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.

"I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pride fully.

"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disoriented.

"I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.

"I MUST patch this coat." Tom said raggedly.

"I need a home run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

"I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.

"I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.

"I punched him in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.

"I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.

"I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.

"I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.

"I was adopted," said Tom transparently.

"I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.

"I won the daily double," Tom cried hoarsely.

"I don't like hot dogs," Tom said frankly.

"I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully.

"I'll try and dig it up for you," Tom said gravely.

"I'm back from my lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly.

"I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.

"I've lost my trousers," Tom said expansively.

"I've made a study of girls," said Tom lassitudinously.

"It's the maid's night off," said Tom helplessly.

"Keep an eye on that orbit," Tom said watchfully.

"Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.

"Let's visit tombs," said Tom cryptically.

"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.

"Mush!" Tom said huskily.

"My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.

"My stereo is broken," said Tom disconsolately.

"My stereo's half-fixed," said Tom monotonously.

"My stereo is working great now," said Tom ecstatically.

[thedrifter]

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

[thedrifter]

Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[thedrifter]

Men vs. Women

The Mathematics of Men and Women Relationships

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

[thedrifter]

Government

A Story of Creation
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

[thedrifter]

Commandments
1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.

[fabboss]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"

--Chris Rock

[leroy8541]

>>
>>Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate
>>on.
>>
>>The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
>>table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
>>numbered,"
>>
>>The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
>>Everything inside them is color-coded,"
>>
>>The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
>>best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
>>
>>The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
>>workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over
>>at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
>>
>>But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when
>>he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no
>>guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are
>>interchangeable."

[leroy8541]

Three Guys In Saudi Arabia
> > >
> > >An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a
> > >smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The
> mere
> > >possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the
> > >terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are
all
> > >sentenced to death!
> > >
> > >However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
> are
> > >able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By
> a
> > >stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
> > >finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
> > >released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
> > >
> > >As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's
> my
> > >first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you
> one
> > >wish before your whipping."
> > >
> > >The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
> > >"Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
> > >lasted
> > >10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done
he
> > >had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
> > >
> > >The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he
said
> > >smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows
could
> > >only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the
Frenchman
> > >was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
> > >
> > >The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
> > >Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
the
> > >world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you
> may
> > >have two wishes!"
> > >
> > >"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American
replied.
> > >"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
> > >20, but
> > >100 lashes."
> > >
> > >
> > >"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also
> > >very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If
100
> > >lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what
is
> > >it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
> > >
> > >The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
> > >
> >
> >

[thedrifter]

Good for a laugh!!!


READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END-THERE'S A TRICK TO IT.

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.


If you forward to 11 people a video comes on your screen. This works. I don't know how...but it works This is the coolest thing I've ever gotten!
All you have to do is send it to 11 people and this little video comes up on your screen and shows the funniest clip. I can't tell you what it is, but I couldn't stop laughing so hard I was crying! So spend a few seconds to send this and you'll be glad you did!

[thedrifter]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the
bees.. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me.".. Confused, the father asked what was
wrong.. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the there's no
Santa speech - At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech -
When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech - If you
tell me that grown-ups don't really ****, I'll have nothing left to live
for."

[thedrifter]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[thedrifter]

There are 29 questions about things we see every day or have known about
all our lives. How many can you get right?
>
>These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you
>how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your
>thinking caps on.
>
>Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE. No cheating! No looking around! No using
>anything on or in your desk or computer!
>
>Can you beat 18?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check
>answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions. REMEMBER - NO
>CHEATING!!! LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
>
>1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
>
>2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
>
>3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
>
>4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
>
>5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
>
>6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
>
>7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
>
>8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
>
>9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
>
>10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
>
>11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
>
>12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
>
>13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
>
>14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
>
>15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
>
>16. Which way do fans rotate?
>
>17. Whose face is on a dime?
>
>18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
>
>19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
>
>20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
>
>21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
>
>22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
>
>23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
>
>24. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
>
>25. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening
>between the slats?
>
>26. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
>
>27. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
>digits?
>
>28. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
>
>29. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
>
>
>
>************************************************** ********************
>
>
>Don't look at answers below until you complete all the questions:
>
>













1. Bottom
>2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
>3. Right
>4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &gold
>5. Q, Z
>6. 1, ! 0
>7. Right
>8. 20
>9. Red
>10. 88
>11. Counter (north of the equator)
>12. Towards bottom right
>13. 12 (no #1)
>14. Left
>15. Top
>16. Clockwise as you look at it
>17. Roosevelt
>18. 8
>19. Left
>20. 5
>21. 6
>22. Bashful
>23. 8
>24. Ace of spades
>25. Left
>26. ONE
>27. *, #
>28. 3
>29. Counter

[thedrifter]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the
> good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
> difference.
>
> Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered:
>
> I. started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
>
> 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
>
> 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
>
> 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>
> 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>
> 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
>
> 6. If all is not lost, where is it?
>
> 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
>
> 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
>
> 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
>
> 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
>
> 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
>
> 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
>
> 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in
the
> bathroom.
>
> 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
>
> 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to
> play chess?
>
> 16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
>
> 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>
> 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
> I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here
after.
>
> 19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
>
> 20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...
>
> Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh send
it
to
> a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
>
> Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your
memory
> back

[thedrifter]

Sheep Herd
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[thedrifter]

50 Blonde Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.

Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.

How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother?
He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.

Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
He couldn't find a lake with a slope.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.

Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.

What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.

Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

What's a blonde's favorite color?
A light shade of clear.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."

[thedrifter]

Gynaecologist
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

[thedrifter]

Sick Husband
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

[thedrifter]

Sleeping in Church
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

[thedrifter]

Sexual Quotes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

[thedrifter]

Rules for Bedroom Golf
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[thedrifter]

Actual Answering Machine Messages
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers...
~~~~~
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
~~~~~
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
~~~~~
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
~~~~~
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
~~~~~
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
~~~~~
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~~~~~
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~~~~~
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
~~~~~
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
~~~~~
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~~~~~
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

[thedrifter]

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!
---------------------------------------
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[thedrifter]

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I
mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and
this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen
cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that
would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws
and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be
hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up
the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully
sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come
over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[thedrifter]

Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship
in the Caribbean. It was wonderful--the experience of his
life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did
not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went
down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the
shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be
seen. No person, no supplies, nothing.

The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts,
but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea
mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around
the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the
past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond
hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her
boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did
you get here?"

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat?

You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with
you."

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum
tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but...," stuttered the man, "what about tools and
hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of
the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used
that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware."

"But, enough of that," she said, "where do you live?" At
last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping
on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said.

So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and
around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No thanks," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I
will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied. "I have a
still; how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories,
the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life,
even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
stairs.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and
slip into something more comfortable." The man settled in to
wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves
and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me something," she said, "We have both been out here
for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you
really miss? Something that all men and woman need?

Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, moving closer to the woman
while fixing her with a long, intense gaze.

"Tell me... Do you happen to have an internet connection?"

[thedrifter]

This is a chain letter to protest the French nuclear tests
in the pacific. If you want tto participate in the protest,
then simply forward the letter to someone who is closer to
the French president than yourself, then Jacques Chirac will
probably get it sooner or later.

You may have heard that the French are thinking of resuming
testing again in the you-know-where, and that some
Congressmen are using that as a queue to encouraging the U.S
to "complete" its testing of short range devices (showing a
lot of "leadership" in the process!!??). Well, the
following arrived via a friend in Hawai'i from another
friend in Noumea. Enjoy!

------------------------------------------------------------

This was a letter to the editor in an Australian newspaper:

An open letter to M. Jacques Chirac:

Mon cher Jack

Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La
Pacifique avec le Frog bombes nuclears. Je reckon vous must
have un spot in La Belle France itself pour les explosions.
Le Massive Central? Le Quay d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees?
Votre own back yard, peut etre?

Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport! La guerre cold est
fini! Votres forces militaire need la bombe atomique about
as beacoup as poisson need les bicyclettes.

Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres
flash, consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of
Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo,
Sedan et Dien Bien Phu. Un bombe won't change le tradition.
Je/mon pere/mon grand pere/le cousin third avec ma
grandmere/ la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats
against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One). Have vous forgotten?

Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de
l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre - "Damnation to
the French" - will be heard un autre temps.

Votre chums don't want that.

Millo.

[thedrifter]

A woman had been married four times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian
and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke
out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a MicroSoft Windows programmer and
he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how
good it was going to be."

"The fourth time, I married a computer technician. He'd sit
on the edge of the bed and tell me, "I'll have it up in 30
minutes."

[thedrifter]

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if
you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for
apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you
open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and
claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when
you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most
people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.
The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises
to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows
95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you
have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who
has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an
import. This beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came
in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was
originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the
design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.
Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV
anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the
list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to
an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are
that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

[thedrifter]

What Exactly Is Marriage? (**)

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out."
-Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll
do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, AGE 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a
drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it
gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't
tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about
love."
-Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding."
-Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing
if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try
it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, AGE 7

[thedrifter]

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q. - How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q. - How many IUS folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - IUS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Ticket Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q. - How many Tech Support folks does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. - We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q. - How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.

Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q. - How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.

Q. - How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .

Q. - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q. - How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of
the light bulb box.

Q. - How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. - It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.

Q: - How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: - How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: - Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q: - How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: - None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.

[thedrifter]

Olie and Sven were fishing one day when Sven

pulled out a cigar. Finding
he had no matches, he asked Olie for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10
inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the
huge BIC lighter in his hands.
"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olie, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven
asked.
"Yah, shure, right here in my tackle box," says
Olie.
"Could I see him?"
So Olie opens his tackle box and sure enough,
out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm
a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will.", says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box
leaving Sven sitting
there,waiting for his million bucks. Shortly,
the sky darkens and is
filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying
overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells
at Olie, "I asked for a
million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"
Olie answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, Sven,
da genie is hard of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10
inch Bic?"

[thedrifter]

COMPUTERS


Jill Lange, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.

Wanting to embarrass Jill, he told her to enter "PENIS" as the password.

Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Jill entered the password as he had requested.

It was then that Jill nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[Barrio_rat]

Driving in Iraq...

[thedrifter]

FIRE SAFETY



When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

[thedrifter]

BETTY THE BLONDE COOK



Betty and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.

Betty, a blonde, is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is order in some Chinese food and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning, Betty calls Bob's office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Her hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"

She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," his wife weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, the recipe calls for two eggs."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," Bob says rather testily, "You will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," Betty cries, "It says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

[thedrifter]

HOW TO GET A LIFE



It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

[thedrifter]

MOTHER GOOSE GETS TECHIE



Mother McGee went to drive C:
to find her poor Windows a byte
But when she inquired, all drive space expired
And not even Stacker would put it right.

Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
and explained how the function keys worked.

Jack and Jill are married still
but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she's fond of a Mac
and RISC makes both of them wary.

Mary had a little Lan
Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
Then part interest in a computer store

[thedrifter]

MEDICAL TRUTHS



- The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.

- You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.

- The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.

- When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

- If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

- There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

- When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...

- Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.

- As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.

- Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

- You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...

- Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.

- Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.

- The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

[thedrifter]

NUMBER OF DRINKS & BEHAVIORAL DIFFERENCES



ONE - Relaxed. To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/coordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, school days, sport and the price of net curtains, etc. Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

TWO - Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days - what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.

THREE - Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a "I'd give that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.

FOUR - Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs...very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.

FIVE - Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

SIX TO SEVEN - Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if anybody else can remember what the **** you were talking about, but mark my words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk but I am more the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a curry.

EIGHT TO TEN - ****-faced (alternatively Wankered). It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet. Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice - ****heads.

ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN - Esperanto. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.

SIXTEEN PLUS - Clinically dead. You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff - but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the **** you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint and get one in for yourself - cheers then.

[thedrifter]

SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIED COLD



1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" (my personal favorite)

5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

[thedrifter]

WAR VETERANS



Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him, "What's wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war?"

His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."

[thedrifter]

Paddy Faces Up to Saddam

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering how to bug George W. Bush even more when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused.

"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. I've increased my army to one million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan''s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[lurchenstein]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was quite impressed.

The second women goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive new clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is much impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are like that, you know:yes:

[thedrifter]

Dear Saddam Hussein and Sons; remaining Taliban and Osama Bin Laden:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an
old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule, that there
are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time.

Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite
you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast
you -- LITERALLY. While we will admit that you are off to an impressive lead,
it is however now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your
diamond now... Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

Club Owner ~ God
Manager ~ George W. Bush
Ass't Manager ~ Dick Cheney
Head Coach ~ Colin Powell
Assistant Coach ~ Donald Rumsfeld
Starting Pitcher ~ Tommy Franks
1st Base ~ U. S. Marine Corps
2nd Base ~ U. S. Navy
3rd Base ~ U.S. Air Force
Shortstop and clean up hitter ~ U. S. Army
Outfield ~ Firemen and Policemen
Umpire ~ None Required - remember - the manager gave you ample time to
forfeit the game. Now it's too late for discussion. He told you there'll be no
further negotiations or diplomacy!

Pinch hitters as needed ~
U.S. Navy SEALS
U.S. Army Green Berets
U.S. Army Rangers
U.S. Air Force PJs
Delta Force
And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:
4th Base ~ United Kingdom and
5th Base ~ Spain

Opening Ceremonies:
Vocal 1: The Star Spangled Banner. Ya'll stand, face the American flag and
place your right hand over your heart and sing.
Vocal 2: Lee Greenwood ~ God Bless The U.S.A.
Vocal 3: Neil Diamond ~ Comin' To America
Vocal 4: Bruce Springstein ~ Born In The U.S.A.
Vocal 5: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir ~ Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team ... France I know has been
coaching you and Germany, Russia and China will at least be cheering for you.
You can even get the Dixie Chicks to sing your national anthem. You might even
find some human shields in Hollywood. There are many EX-movie stars who seem to
really love you. I'm sure they would like to play on your team and we'll be
glad to let you have them.

It won't really matter how many useful idiots you get on your side and (even
if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!!!

Sincerely.
On behalf of the 270,000,000 Citizens of the United States of America

P.S.
May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah;... 'cause
your ass is ours! Goodbye!

[thedrifter]

Redneck Programmer

You might be a redneck programmer if...

you've ever had to clean the pork rinds out of your keyboard.

your PC has a gun rack.

you think RAM chips are good eatin'.

you think a syntax requirement makes your beer and cigarettes cost more.

you think a flat file is used to sharpen the blades on your bushhog.

you think a serial port is where they ship Cheerios.

you think asynchronous is the best place to wash your hands.

you think rebooting is something you do after walking thru the mud.

you get compile errors because of extensive use of "fer" loops.

you think the pain caused by hitting your thumb with a hammer is measured in megahertz.

you have manure stains on your mouse and keyboard.

the place you bought your computer also sells bait.

your computer gets the dreaded "Bubba" virus.

you think a spreadsheet means you have to make up your bed.

you think a megabyte is a lot to eat.

you avoid hitting the HOME key until all your work is done.

your joystick is a Budweiser beer tap.

your project sizing estimates are in six-packs.

you purchase a leased line to the NASCAR web site.

you think a bream is scaleable but a catfish is not.
you've ever been too drunk to use the mouse.

you think a WORM drive is good lure.

you think an operating system is how they take your tonsils out.

your computer desk is a Sears' Workbench.

your logon password is Earlene.

your family tree is a Cartesian Product.

[thedrifter]

ex and Candy

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream, "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I then said, "Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst.

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped........a Baby Ruth.

[thedrifter]

Black Magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . . "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

[thedrifter]

Mozart

A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant lovely oh, a fine fellow a genius, Mozart was."

The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to South Padre Island."

There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now."

In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You’re really mad about something aren't you?"

"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"

[thedrifter]

Joining the FBI

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.

I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

[thedrifter]

I Said the F-Word

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word."

The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven."

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing putt!"

[thedrifter]

This was sent to me by ladileathrnek.......................


Marine answering machine


http://rizzo.princeton.edu/audio/USMCANSWERINGMACHINE.mp3

[thedrifter]

"The Late Osama"
> > >
> > > After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way
> > > to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington.
> > > "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled
> > > Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
> > >
> > > Patrick Henry came up from behind, "You wanted to end the
> > > American's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama
> > > in the nose.
> > >
> > > James Madison came next and said, "This is why I allowed the
> > > government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge
> > > hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
> > >
> > > Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James
> > > Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and
> > > America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him
> > > back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
> > >
> > > As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he
> > > screamed, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replied, "I
> > > told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did
> > > you think I said?"
> > >

[thedrifter]

Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[thedrifter]

A Man's Guide To Female English

-- We need to talk = I need to complain

-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

-- We need = I want

-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

-- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

-- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

-- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

-- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

-- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

-- Yes = No

-- No = No

-- Maybe = No

-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

-- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

-- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

-- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

[thedrifter]

God Grants Wishes

The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married.



The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, 'I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.'



Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding 'bliss', they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last.



God spoke, 'It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!'

[thedrifter]

The Doctor and the Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"



"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."



The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[thedrifter]

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"

HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

[thedrifter]

Office Vocabulary

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, ****s over everything, then leaves.

Salmon day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM:
"Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)

Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."

Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johnny was on a plane when a stranger seated next to him said,"I've heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny who just opened his book, replied, "What would you like to discuss?" " Oh I don't know," said the stranger."How about nuclear power?""Okay," said Little Johnny."That could be interesting. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same grass.Yet a deer excretes little pellets,a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?""Gosh," said the stranger."I have no idea." "Well,then, replied Little Johnny, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power,when you don't know sh*t?" It was a long trip....:banana:

[thedrifter]

Tom Swifties

"Boy, these blintzes are good!" said Tom judiciously.

" I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.

" ," said Tom blankly.

" ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.

"I've struck oil," Tom said, crudely.

"A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully.

"Add this list of n numbers and divide the sum by n," said Tom meanly.

"As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.

"Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.

"Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.

"Buy me something to drink?" said Tom dryly.

"Get away from the dynamite," Tom said explosively.

"Give me some more macaroni and cheese, and I'll tell you," said Tom craftily.

"I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.

"I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.

"I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.

"I commanded a group of ships for a week," Tom said fleetingly.

"As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.

"I forgot what to buy," Tom said listlessly.

"I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.

"I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pride fully.

"I just returned from Japan," Tom said disoriented.

"I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.

"I MUST patch this coat." Tom said raggedly.

"I need a home run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

"I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.

"I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.

"I punched him in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.

"I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.

"I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.

"I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.

"I was adopted," said Tom transparently.

"I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.

"I won the daily double," Tom cried hoarsely.

"I don't like hot dogs," Tom said frankly.

"I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully.

"I'll try and dig it up for you," Tom said gravely.

"I'm back from my lobotomy," said Tom absentmindedly.

"I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.

"I've lost my trousers," Tom said expansively.

"I've made a study of girls," said Tom lassitudinously.

"It's the maid's night off," said Tom helplessly.

"Keep an eye on that orbit," Tom said watchfully.

"Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.

"Let's visit tombs," said Tom cryptically.

"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.

"Mush!" Tom said huskily.

"My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.

"My stereo is broken," said Tom disconsolately.

"My stereo's half-fixed," said Tom monotonously.

"My stereo is working great now," said Tom ecstatically.

[thedrifter]

The Problem
A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.""Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[thedrifter]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[thedrifter]

Friday Night Poker

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.

"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife."

"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."






The Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

[thedrifter]

One Line Sums It Up...

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : You delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My other wife is beautiful.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a rest period between romances.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man and wife make one fool.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

[thedrifter]

Insults and Sarcasm

`I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You!... Off my planet!

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

And which dwarf are you?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

[thedrifter]

Praying for a Bike

A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:

Dear God;

Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.

[thedrifter]

The Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[thedrifter]

Accountant Jokes

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the Accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Pass Again.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?
An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you, an introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Jail.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depletion.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three kinds of accountants in the world
Those who can count and those who can't.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

[thedrifter]

American Way
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

[thedrifter]

Paint Job
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

50 Blonde Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.

Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.

What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?
It was too tight.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.

How does a psychic refer to a blonde?
Light reading.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother?
He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror.

Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski?
He couldn't find a lake with a slope.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A rebel without a clue!

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?
He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?
His sister was using the toilet.

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
He turned it over and used the other side.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself?
Acupuncture.

Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
He missed.

What's the difference between a blonde and a tree?
The tree knows when it's being cut down.

Why are most blonde jokes one-liners?
So men will understand them.

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning?
Packed his lunch and sent him to work.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
She had it bronzed.

What's a blonde's favorite color?
A light shade of clear.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord.

Hear about the blonde explorer?
He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How did the blonde moonwalk?
He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."

[thedrifter]

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

[thedrifter]

Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the
toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put
some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your
knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically
have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking
it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the
toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get
spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all
over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but
OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done
poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[thedrifter]

100 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy!
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial ****ing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere

[thedrifter]

ABC's of Ex-Girlfriends
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.

B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

C is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restarant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for kill.

L is for love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M is for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top..she has another O word.

P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun.

S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.

U is for understatement. Saying you hate that f***ing ***** is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep...

.. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[thedrifter]

Could I See Just One?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[thedrifter]

Did you Hear?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep/the one that can run the fastest.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

[thedrifter]

Famous Sexual Quotes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

[thedrifter]

Which Son is the Wisest?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a father went to his three sons and told them that he would die soon and he needed to decide which one of them to give his property to. He decided to give them all a test. He said "Go to the market my sons and purchase something that is large enough to fill my bedroom, but small enough to fit in your pocket.From this I will decide who of you is the wisest and worthy enough to inherit my land." So they all went to the market and bought something that they thought would fill the room, yet was still small enough that they could fit into their pockets. Each son came back with a different item. The father told his sons to come into his bedroom one at a time and try to fill up his bedroom with whatever they had purchased. The first son came in and put some peices of cloth that he had bought and layed them end to end across the room, but it bearly covered any of the floor. Then the second son came in and layed some hay, that he had purchased, on the floor but there was only enough to cover half of the floor. The third son came in and showed his father what he had purchased and how it could fill the entire room yet still fit into his pocket. The father replied "You are truly the wisest of all and you shall recieve my property." What was it that the son had showed to his father?


Answer: The son had showed his father a match. Whenever he lit the match, it filled the entire room, yet it was still small enough to fit into his pocket.

[thedrifter]

It's the spring of 1957 and Dick goes to pick up his date,
>>>Maureen. Dick's
>>>>a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
>>>When he goes to
>>>>the front door, Maureen's father answers and invites him in.
>>>>
>>>>"Maureen's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
>>>says. "That's
>>>>cool." says Dick. Maureen's father asks Dick what they are
>>>planning to do.
>>>>Dick replies politely that they will probably just go to the
>>>malt shop or
>>>>to a drive-in movie.
>>>>
>>>>Maureen's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and
>>>screw? I hear all
>>>>of the kids are doing it."
>>>>
>>>>Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Dick and he
>>>says, Whaaaat?"
>>>>"Yeah," says Maureen's father, "Maureen really likes to
>>>screw; she'll Screw
>>>>all night if we let her!"
>>>>
>>>>Dick's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.
>>>Immediately, he has
>>>>revised the plans for the evening.
>>>>
>>>>A few minutes later, Maureen comes downstairs in her little
>>>poodle skirt
>>>>with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
>>>>
>>>>Almost breathless with anticipation, Dick escorts his date
>>>out the front
>>>>door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a
>>>wink for Dick.
>>>>
>>>>About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Maureen
>>>rushes back into
>>>>the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her
>>>father:
>>>>
>>>>"DAMN IT DADDY!
>>>>
>>>>THE TWIST!!!!!
>>>>
>>>>IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!

[thedrifter]

WHAT'S IN A NAME ?


1. IACOCCA (the former Chrysler President/CEO)stands for

I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America

coincidence?.......... try these!

2. Bush (the American President)
Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein!

3. Clinton (remember him?)

Call
Lewinsky,
I
Need
The
Oral
Now

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming

Osama (WHO doesn't know him)

Oh
****,
American
Missiles Again!

[thedrifter]

Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We
visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the
canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule
stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once
more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule
dead.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked
at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

[thedrifter]

Dead For Two Weeks

A man goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor I think my wife's been dead
for two weeks."

The Doctor says, "Wow, dead for two weeks, how come it took you so
long to notice, and what gave it away ?"

The man replies, "Well, the sex is the same, but then I noticied the
laundry and dirty dishes were starting to pile up!"

[thedrifter]

Blondes in the old west

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff
and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in
the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's
head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week
the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and
killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head
of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar
to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while
when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian
right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a
ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave
pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied,
"Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you
should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars
in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine
were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .
we're going to be millionaires!"

[thedrifter]

Waterbed

A young redneck boy, went to a bar and ordered a drink.
After few minutes, a beautiful blonde sat down next to him
and started coming on to him. Soon she invited him back to her place.
Overcome with excitement, the redneck agreed. When they got to the
bedroom, he exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed, I've never had
sex on a waterbed before."
Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde
stopped him and said, "Before we go any further, don't you
think you should put on some protection?"
"Good idea." he responded, and got up. The redneck walked
out of the room, and when he came back, he was wearing a life
preserver."

[thedrifter]

A Letter From a Redneck Mother to her Daughter

Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so
we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that
lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well
though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week.
The first time it rained for three days and the second time for
four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would
be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so
we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't
make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked
his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him
two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it
is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby
is a girl your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to
call it mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and
he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.

[thedrifter]

Club

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.
Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his
head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not
my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[thedrifter]

Bee Sting

A woman tries her skill at golf. Her first shot ends up deep in the rough.
While searching for the ball, she gets a horrible case of poison ivy.
After several weeks of recovery, she gives it another try, and again her
first shot ends up in the rough. This time, while looking for the ball,
she steps on a sharp, metal object and requires several stitches. Refusing
to give up, she goes back out the next day. Once again, her first shot
sails off into the rough. While digging around for her ball, she gets
stung by a wasp. Furious, she storms back to the club house, where she
vows never to play the game again. The golf pro, upon hearing her
announcement, tries to offer comfort. "Don't you think you're over-
reacting?" he asks. "Every time I hit the ball, it goes in the rough, and
then something terrible happens!" she shouts. "I'll bet there's something
in your technique that I could change with a few suggestions and you'd be
fine", he consoles her. "Oh yeah? Well I just got stung by a wasp! What
could you possibly say that could have prevented that?" she asks
angrily. "Where did you get stung?" he inquires. "Between the first and
second holes", she snaps. "See there", he responds, "Your stance is too
wide"

[thedrifter]

http://www.deep-end.com/daily/daily.gif

[thedrifter]

TWO CANARIES



Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."

[thedrifter]

THE BLONDE COOK



A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

[thedrifter]

IT PAYS TO STUDY



After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Bud. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Bud.

The lad smiled and said, "Applied psychology."

[thedrifter]

THE PROSTITUTE'S HEART TRANSPLANT



A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

[thedrifter]

ALTERNATIVE SUNSCREEN




An excellent alternative to the Sunscreen song:



Drink Alcohol.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, alcohol would be it.
The long-term benefits of alcohol have been consistently misunderstood by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own drunken experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance until it's faded.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself puking in a gutter and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much alcohol you drank and how fabulous it really was.

You are not as sick as you imagine.

Don't worry about where the next beer is coming from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page three model after 15 pints of Stella.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your drink-addled mind, like the unexpected lack of ale in the fridge on some idle Tuesday.

Drink one thing every day that scares you.

Sing badly.

Be reckless when buying other people drinks. Don't put up with people who are reckless when buying yours.

Gargle.

Don't waste your time on shandy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only to the bar.

Make up compliments you received. Return the insults. If you don't succeed in doing this drink more beer now. Keep your old ring pulls. Throw away your old cans.

Wretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know when you might dry-out in you life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 when they would sober up. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still haven't.

Get plenty of kebabs.

Don't be too kind to your liver. You'll hardly miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll pull, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get some bird up the duff, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll enter rehab at 40, maybe you'll dance the nude conga at your 75th University Reunion.

Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate others. Your choices are half alcohol influenced. So are everybody else's. Enjoy someone else's body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what the lads might think of it. It's probably the only time you'll ever pull.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the street with a can of Special Brew.

Ignore the directions, don't ever follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, just cut out the pictures and put them on your wall.

Get to know your parents. You never know when you'll have to tap them for some cash.

Be nice to your barman. They're your best link to the bar and the person most likely to stop you getting your head kicked by a bouncer when paralytic in the future.

Understand that favorite drinks come and go, but with a precious flammable few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in strength and consistency, because the older you get, the harder it will be to neck ales like when you were young.

Live in London once, but leave before it makes you a ponce. Live in Liverpool once, but leave before everything you own gets stolen.

Dribble.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Beer prices will rise. Bouncers will throw you out. You, too, will get a hangover. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, bouncers couldn't catch you, and hangovers were NEVER as bad as this.

Respect alcoholics. Don't expect anyone else to buy you a beer.

Maybe you'll have a huge overdraft. Maybe you'll have a wealthy bird. But you never know when either one might stop getting you ****ed.

Don't mess too much with alcopops or by the time you're 25 you will look like a faggot.

Be careful whose cheap booze you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Cheap booze is a form of rip-off. Dispensing it is a way of fishing old stock from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the sell-by date and re-selling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the alcohol.

[thedrifter]

A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW



Two guys were talking at work.

"I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.

When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

[thedrifter]

PMS AND THE LIGHT BULB



How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS ...

[thedrifter]

HOW TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY



* Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.

* Organize his workshop, dresser top, or other special place.

* Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

* Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.

* Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

* Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

* Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

* Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."

* Have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

* Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

* Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

* Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

[thedrifter]

ROWING



The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.

[thedrifter]

WAR



Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

[thedrifter]

An old woman had been married to a farmer all her adult life. They

had cows and horses on their farm, and they grew a number of crops

for

sale

at the local farmer's market. One day, while shopping at the local

grocery store for a few items that she and her husband did not raise

or

grow

for themselves, she came across a contest form. It was from the

Carnation

Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words

or

less.

The company furnished the first line of the jingle: "I like

Carnation

best

of all ..." It was about those little cans of milk found on the

grocery

shelves, objects of both humor and scorn for many farm folk. So the

farm woman completed the jingle, sent it off to the Carnation Milk

Company,

and promptly forgot about the whole thing. A couple of months

later,

the

woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to

her

door

and

told her that her entry in their contest had been the best one

submitted.

Unfortunately, the company could not publish it nor use it in their

advertising. So, in lieu of publishing, they had decided that her

entry

was worthy of at least a consolation award and presented her with a

company

check in the amount of $1000 for her creativity.

Her entry follows:

"I like Carnation best of all,

No tits to pull, no **** to haul,

No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,

Just punch a hole in the sonofa*****."

[thedrifter]

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

[thedrifter]

Ashes to ashes...


After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."

[thedrifter]

37 more telephone responses


This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-*******. Right now, all our *******s are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an ******* return your call as soon as possible.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.


[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.



Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.


[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message...leave a message....etc.



Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine...you hear a beep....

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play my beep for you...

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...

[thedrifter]

Misunderstanding


A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked "What was the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?"

[thedrifter]

Cleanliness is next to ...


A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General, what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?"

The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"

"Of course," replied the adjutant.

"No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature, and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of cleanliness, will bathe."

"I understand, comrade general."

"Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"

"Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately.

"You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to become clean, and he will use it."

"I think I understand, comrade."

"Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic."

[thedrifter]

The brothel makes us strong



dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir,"

[thedrifter]

Discipline


(Well, since there seems to be a plethora of Soviet jokes anyway... This one was told to me by a Russian.)

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

"Private Jones! Front and center."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Private Jones! Jump!"

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

"Private Jones! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

[DSchmitke]

Inspectors


Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things
For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of thecupboard and splatters on the floor. . . . and these are the people we have sent to Irag to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groupsof mothers weren't sent in.
Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a dairy two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you can grt your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away.\
By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So. . . consideringthe valve a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who likely will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
A mother would walk in with a would soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have anay weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoom, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free the whole summer.

Inspectors my foot. . . . You want a job done? Call a mother.

[thedrifter]

The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. At each commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.

If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change the channel except during scud attacks (see below).

If someone says, "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last person to salute takes a shot.

If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot. That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.

If someone says, "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout "Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forgo the next "scud." The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the error.

Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout "woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.

A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase "ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first person to grab the shot gets it.

Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.

[thedrifter]

Attorney season


GENERAL


Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, *****houses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS


Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
Honest Attorney EXTINCT
Cut-throat 2
Back-stabbing Whiner 2
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

[thedrifter]

Banana Loaf

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana



Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

Woman Goes to Las Vegas

man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

[thedrifter]

Take Your Date to a Nice Restaurant

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good beef stew today."

"Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.

"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"

"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place."

"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

[thedrifter]

A Soviet Man of Letters

Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "Comrade, the reins of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."

"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khruschev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2. "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely--don't open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one." And with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things started going badly--unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system, and bought himself some time that way.

But things continued on the downslide--Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more, the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschev's leadership and upstarts like Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: "Write two letters."

[thedrifter]

Politics explained

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

[thedrifter]

Humor from Poland

communist party official opened a *****house to attract tourists and their foreign currency. Adding up his books after a year, he discovered he had lost a great deal of money.

"I don't understand it," he moaned. "I hired all the best girls. Why, every single one of them has been a good loyal party member for at least 30 years!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.

"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"

Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago"--and he points an imaginary gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat again?"

"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."

[thedrifter]

Specifications

QUALITY ASSURANCE


SPECIFICATION WAP-007
PAGE 1 OF 1
REVISION 0



PIPING SPECIFICATIONS




All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.

All pipe is to be of the very best quality, preferably tubular or pipular.

All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid proof metal.

Outer-diameter of all pipes must exceed the inner-diameter. Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the jobsites.

All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.

All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know that it is a long pipe.

All pipe over two miles in length must also have these words painted on the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.

All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it, so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.

All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.

All pipe closers are to be open on one end.

No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipes become crooked pipes.

[thedrifter]

A CRUSTY OLD MARINE CORPS COLONEL FOUND HIMSELF AT A GALA EVENT
DOWNTOWN,
> >HOSTED BY A LOCAL LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE. THERE WAS NO SHORTAGE OF
EXTREMELY
> >YOUNG, IDEALISTIC LADIES IN ATTENDANCE; ONE OF WHOM APPROACHED THE
COLONEL
> >FOR CONVERSATION.
> >
> >SHE SAID, "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY SERIOUS MAN.
> >ARE YOU THIS WAY ALL THE TIME, OR IS SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?"
> >
> >"NO," THE COLONEL SAID, "JUST SERIOUS BY NATURE!"
> >
> >THE YOUNG LADY LOOKED AT HIS AWARDS AND DECORATIONS, AND SAID,
> >"IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE SEEN A LOT OF ACTION."
> >
> >THE COLONEL'S SHORT REPLY WAS, "YES, A LOT OF ACTION."
> >
> >THE YOUNG LADY, TIRING OF TRYING TO START UP A CONVERSATION, SAID:
"YOU
> >KNOW, YOU SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.....RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELF."
> >
> >THE COLONEL JUST STARED AT HER IN HIS SERIOUS MANNER.
> >
> >FINALLY THE YOUNG LADY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS
THE
> >WRONG WAY, BUT WHEN IS THE LAST TIM E YOU HAD SEX?"
> >
> >THE COLONEL LOOKED AT HER AND REPLIED, "1955."
> >
> >SHE SAID, "WELL THERE YOU GO, YOU REALLY NEED TO CHILL OUT AND QUIT
TAKING
> >EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY......I MEAN, NO SEX SINCE 1955, ISN'T THAT A
LITTLE
> >EXTREME?"
> >
> >THE COLONEL, GLANCING AT HIS WATCH, SAID IN HIS MATTER-OF-FACT
VOICE,
"OH,
> >I DON'T KNOW. IT'S ONLY 2130 NOW."

[kubba]

Three women are driving along a get into a fatal car crash.
The three women end up in front of the gates of heaven and standing there is St Peter. St Peter say to the three women" I have only one rule do not step on the ducks".
The women look at each other and say OK.
First woman thrugh the gate steps on a duck. She looks down the path and sees St Peter coming with the ugliest man she ever saw and the smell was ubelievable.St Peter walks to the first woman and chains her to the ugly man for all eternity.
Two days later the second woman steps on a duck and here come St Peter with the ugly man and the first woman. St Peter then chains the second woman to the pair and off they go for eternity.
The last woman being very careful not to step on any ducks goes three months and sees St Peter comig up the path with the handsomest man she had ever seen. He was something out of GQ magazine. Well St Peter chains them together and leaves.The women feels she has been rewarded for not stepping on any ducks.So she turns to the good looking man and says" I guess you did not step on any ducks either and this is our reward"
Actually no replies the good looking man and tells her he had stepped on two duck just minutes before.Just goes to show you one persons heaven is another persons hell
Seper FI
stan:banana: :banana:

[thedrifter]

Comrade Stalin


Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

[thedrifter]

It's not the meat

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. "Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50."

"Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquires a bit anxiously.

"Honey, yours would've been too big to get in the door."

A couple of days later they're lying in bed again, and the man says, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds."

"Well, did you see mine?" she asks.

"Baby," he says, "the auction was IN your pussy!"

[thedrifter]

Johnny at the Zoo


Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?" Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, your mom is spoiled, son."

[thedrifter]

Navigational error

One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went.....

'Change course 10 degrees South.'

The reply was quickly flashed back...

'You change course 10 degrees North.'

The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....

'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'

Back came the reply....

'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'

The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....

'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'

Back came the reply.......

'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!

[thedrifter]

Non-existent movie titles

(I've been making a collection of people's mis-rememberences of movie titles and making up descriptions of what the movies would be like if they really existed. Here are a few examples:)

8 1/2 WEEKS--Considered by some to be Fellini's masterpiece. A filmmaker is resting at a health spa and trying to write a new movie. He is distracted, however, by his visions of whips, strawberries, and a mysterious woman in white.

NATIONAL BLUE VELVET--Elizabeth Taylor plays a young woman with a strange attraction to horses. Dennis Hopper plays the wacky, demented jockey.

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET--Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way into your heart.

COLOR ME PURPLE--Whoopi Goldberg was nominated for an Academy Award (tm) for her part as a carnival face painter.

THE JAGGED RAZOR'S EDGE--This was made as a training film for pubescent teens who are learning how to shave, but it contains so much blood and gore that it is now considered a camp horror classic. Look for the sequels, FACES OF DEATH, LEGS OF DEATH and UNDERARMS OF DEATH.

[thedrifter]

Church bulletin humor


SENTENCES WHICH ACTUALLY APPEARED



IN A CHURCH BULLETIN



OR WERE ANNOUNCED IN A SERVICE


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

[thedrifter]

Presbyophrenia


Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.

"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"

"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.

"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."

"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..."

Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.

"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.

"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.

"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"

[thedrifter]

Funny Story


I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the son of a ***** I'm looking for will be on the front page."

[thedrifter]

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

[thedrifter]

Pilot Joke

Overheard in a restaurant last night:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."

"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"

"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"

"But once you're aloft?"

"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."

"But I still don't see how you land!"

"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

[thedrifter]

Freeze, turkey


A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks."

The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."

The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk."

The parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."

Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.

There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

[thedrifter]

Nasty weather


A drunk (D) is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street. Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man (YM) standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As D is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the YM says something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby row house, and inside.

A short while later, the two come back down the stairs, grinning from ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.

This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies. Once the lady frowned, and after some further words from YM, merely nodded her head and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear what was being said, but just couldn't make it out. Finally, his curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled over to the young man.

D: Shay, bud. Wha' goin on?

YM: Yes, I saw you watching. I wondered when you would come over. Well, it's like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" If she is agreeable to the idea, we go upstairs to my room, and have a good time. If she becomes upset, I merely say, "Typical nasty weather." She assumes that she misheard me the first time, and just keeps going. I can't loose!

D: (now swaying) Thas a grate idea! Ill have to run home and try it mysel.

So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes (VLL) walking briskly along, and the drunk decides that this is his CHANCE. So he stumbles over to the lady and grabs her arm.

VLL: Yes?

D: (shouting) HEY BABE, C'N I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?

VLL: WHAT?

D: (looking at the sky) ****in rain!

[thedrifter]

Another Texan

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there

[thedrifter]

Very old Russian joke

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

[thedrifter]

Food service

Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.





Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?

A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.

[thedrifter]

Young drinker joke


From someone appearing at the Laff Stop, in Austin:

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to harass the kid:

P: Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?

K: That's nothing; I got laid when I was three.

P: What?! How did that happen?

K: I don't remember. I was drunk.

[thedrifter]

Country & Western


A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.

SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?"

Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.

SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"

Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell."

SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?"

Flea: "Oh yes St Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.

SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"

Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get waked up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"

SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have you considered what else you might like to do?"

Flea: "Oh St Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."

SP: "So be it, it's done."

Not being able to stand his curiosity St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.

SP: "How's it going flea?"

Flea: "Oh hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"

[thedrifter]

Medical humor

2 guys talking...

Man 1: My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!

Man 2: My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last 50 cents you're going to die of liver problems.

[thedrifter]

I owe, I owe

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

[thedrifter]

Little Johnnie

This is a story about Johnnie's day at school....Johnnie's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."

Johnnie raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnnie, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."

Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnnie's teacher.

Johnnie raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnnie and said, "No Johnnie, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."

Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD."

The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, "Now Johnnie, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnnie stopped her and said, "But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!!"

[thedrifter]

Shortages

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"

Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"

Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?

And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"

Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"

[thedrifter]

The Best Hotels

Time: late 1940's

Place: New York

There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, "Why don't we try this one?" The other says, "Are you crazy? It says on the sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It means they don't let Jews in!" To which the first man replies, "Restricted, reschmicted. Let's go in and have a little fun. Just let me do all the talking."

So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.

Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!

Clerk: (Flustered. With a "Connecticut clench") I'm sorry, but this is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.

Man: What makes you think I'm Jewish? I'm just as Christian as you are! Come on, ask me a Christion question!

The clerk decides to amuse him.

Clerk: OK. OK. Where was Jesus born?

Man: Such a question! Everybody knows that Jesus was born in a stable. Come on, ask me another Christian question!

Clerk: (Impatient) Look. I know you are Jewish and you are not staying here!

Man: Come on, ask me a question. Ask me, "What for was Jesus born in a stable!"

Clerk: (visibly angry) All right! Why was Jesus born in a stable!?

Man: Because a schmuck like you wouldn't give his mother a room either!

[thedrifter]

Hippies

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?" "I slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub?" "How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"

[thedrifter]

Revenge


A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. (Sounds familiar, right?) So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his John Thomas in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye:

"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[thedrifter]

Keeping Score


There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local *****house and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the *****house, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his ***** and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the ***** again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ``|'' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

"A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

[thedrifter]

An international conference and a Country Club


There was an international conference and a luncheon following at the U.N.

The G.B. representative started to offer a toast:

To the women of the Eastern Hemisphere!

The Chinese representative then followed:

To the women of the Western Hemisphere!

The Italian representative thought for a moment, and then said:

To the two hemispheres of women!

[thedrifter]

Management training
>
> I think I've worked for some of the management teams he's talking
about.
>
>
> Subject: Management Training
>
>
> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket
of
> buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee.
The
> waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall
> mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up
the
> bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun,
> then just walks out.
>
> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
and
> a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to
> the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says , "Whoa, Tonto. We're
still
> cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck
> was all that about, anyway?"
>
> "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee,
> shoot the ****, and disappear for rest of the day".
>

[thedrifter]

A Cowboy’s Last Prayer

Jake, The Rancher, Went One Day To Fix A Distant Fence. The Wind
Was Cold And Gusty And The Clouds Rolled Gray And Dense.

As He Pounded The Last Staples In And Gathered Tools To Go, The
Temperature Had Fallen, The Wind And Snow Began To Blow.

When He Finally Reached His Pickup, He Felt A Heavy Heart. From
The Sound Of That Ignition, He Knew It Wouldn’t Start.

So Jake Did What Most Of Us Would Do If We Had Been In Trouble
There. He Humbly Bowed His Balding Head And Sent Aloft A Prayer.

As He Turned The Key For The Last Time, He Softly Cursed His Luck.
They Found Him Three Days Later, Frozen Stiff In That Old Truck.

Now Jake Had Been Around In Life And Done His Share Of Roaming.
But Once In Heaven, He Was Shocked-- -- It Looked Just Like Wyoming!

Of All The Saints In Heaven, Jake’s Favorite Was St. Peter. (Now,
This Here Line Ain’t Needed But It Helps With Rhyme And Meter.)

So They Set And Talked A Minute Or Two, Or Maybe It Was Three.
Nobody Was Keepin’ Score—You See up there In Heaven Time Is always Free.

“I’ve Always Heard,” Jake Said To Pete, “That God Will Answer
Prayer, But This One Time I Asked For Help, Well, He Just Plain Wasn’t There.”

Does God Answer Prayers Of Some, And Ignore The Prayers Of
Others? That Don’t Seem Exactly Square -- -- I Know All Men Are Brothers.”

“Or Does He Randomly Reply, Without Good Rhyme Or Reason?
Maybe, It’s The Time Of Day, The Weather Or The Season.”

“Now I Ain’t Trying To Act Real Smart, It’s Just The Way I Feel. And I
Was Wondering’, Could You Tell Me -- -- Just What The Heck’s The Deal?!”
Peter Listened Patiently And When Jake’s Tale Was Done, There

Were Smiles Of Recognition, And He Said, “So, You’re The One!!”
“That Day Your Truck, It Wouldn’t Start, And You Sent Your Prayer A
Flying? You Gave Us All A Real Hard Time, With Hundreds Of Us Trying.”

“A Thousand Angels Rushed, To Check The Status Of Your File, But
You Know, Jake, We Hadn’t Heard From You In Quite A Long, Long While.”

“And Though All Prayers Are Answered, And God Ain’t Got No
Quota, He Didn’t Recognize Your Voice; He Started A Truck In NorthDakota.”

"It’s Best To Keep In Touch"

Author unknown.

[thedrifter]

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and asked, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's elderly minister.

The minister said kindly, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

[thedrifter]

The Royal Outing

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

[thedrifter]

Busy night in the garden

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbor and says, ``Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?''

Her neighbor replies, ``Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''

Well, what the heck? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

``So-so,'' she answers. ``The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

[thedrifter]

French in vogue...

A newly wed couple arranged to spend their honeymoon in a basement apartment they had rented in Paris. It was a gorgeous Spring day when they arrived and they took the opportunity to exercise their new marital privileges.

The three French boys walked by the open window and looked in -

Three year old: Oh looook, they are fighting...

Four year old: They are not fighting, they are mekking laaave...

Five year old: Oui! VERY poorly too!

[thedrifter]

A humourous anecdote from soc.men

The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"

[thedrifter]

Morals vs geography

Did you ever wonder about how morals interact with geography? For example, in New York City, you might find a ham 'n egg joint that has a bookie's office in the back. In Tel Aviv, it's a bookie's office with a ham 'n egg joint in the back.

[thedrifter]

Quick Wit Retort

Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of town where you shave and the trolly stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," exclaimed the man. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read.

Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit Retort." "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!" So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.

Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read:

Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses.

To make a long story short :-), the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!

Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a lear-jet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.

In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.

One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savored the moment of victory that was to be his.

The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.

Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple volkswagon. The volksie pulled up to center of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:

"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"

The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready.

Clown sez, "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"

The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine:

**** YOU, CLOWN!!!!

[thedrifter]

Democracy in action

It seems that the Republic of Korea, under pressure, decided to hold free and fair elections, U.S.-style. They decided to go all out: voter registration drives, canvasses, polls, high quality voting machines from the Chicago Voting Machine Company, the whole bit.

Anyhow, the campaigns were mounted, the elections held, the results tallied, and sure enough, the new President-elect of the Republic of Korea was Richard J. Daley

[thedrifter]

The Chemistry set

Here's one I heard on the radio recently.

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon." His son quite naturally said, ``Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."

[thedrifter]

Biology Class

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said: "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

[Armory]

~ 101 THINGS SKIPPY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ORDERED NOT TO DO IN THE US ARMY ~


There was a reason we didn't allow these guys into the military before. This guy is a spec in Signal Intel over in Sarajevo. He kept a list of things he had been ordered not to do by various squadleaders, officers, and such. Don't know if I believe all of them, but still funny.

Enjoy :)


1) May not watch 'South Park' when I'm supposed to be working
2) My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'
3) May not threaten anyone with black magic
4) May not challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair sample
5) May not get silicone breast implants
6) May not play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer
7) May not add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me
8) May not add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters
9) Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'
10) Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time
11) Not allowed to join the communist party
12) Not allowed to join any militia
13) Not allowed to form any militia
14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo
15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'
17) God may not contradict any of my orders
18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty
19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I'm right
20) Must not taunt the French any more
21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS
22) Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'
23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true
25) Must never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one
26) Must never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!''
27) May not tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne)
28) May not take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times)
29) The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
30) Not allowed to wake any Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash
31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions
32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post
33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35) Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Mega-Deth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36) Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over)
37) Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'
38) Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'
39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40) I do not have super-powers.
41) 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message
42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform
44) I am not the atheist chaplain
45) I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake Daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'
46) I am not authorized to fire officers
47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states
48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision
49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'
50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours
51) Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations
52) Not allowed to yell 'Take that, Cobra!' at the rifle range
53) Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket' at the rifle range
54) 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55) An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit
56) An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57) The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence:

· Budding sexuality
· Necrophilia
· I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead
· Sexual lubrication
· Black earth mother
· All marines are latent homosexuals
· Tantric yoga
· Gotterdammerung
· Korean hooker
· Eskimo Nell
· We've all got jackboots now
· Slut puppy
· Any references to squid.

59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60) `The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean `I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62) "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66) There is no `Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia
67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to `Block out the space mind control lasers'
69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73) No military functions are to be performed `Skyclad'.
74) Wood is not camouflage makeup.
75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76) "Teddy Bear Teddy bear turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78) I may not call block my chain of command.
79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82) May not form any press gangs.
83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84) Must not use military vehicles to `Squish' things.
85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft Bragg sniper incident.
86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the `field of honor'
87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88) Most not refer to 1st Sgt as `Mom'
89) Must not refer to the Commander as `Dad'
90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony `Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93) Nerve gas is not funny.
94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96) `Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not `Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99) A smiley face is not used to mark minefields.
100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101) I may not bury mice with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

[mrbsox]

DANM....

What did he try the second week ??

All that and no article 15? Must be the yellow 'stress cards' they use in basic training.

:banana:

Terry

[thedrifter]

French Customs


The old American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.

The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have
to show his passport.

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

"I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there were no Frenchmen

[thedrifter]

Goldberg and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together....
The three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive
as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at their
folks' house. Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses
flowed like wine:

"Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed son # 1..."I'm sorry I'm running l
ate...had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is, and I didn't
have time to stop to get you guys a present!"

"Not to worry!" said the old man..."The important thing is, we're together!"

Son #2 came rushing in. "POPS! you're lookin' good! And MOM! you're
still beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a big deal! Came
straight from the airport, and didn't have time to buy you a gift...I'm so sorry!"

"It's nothing," said Goldberg...we're together, that's the main thing!"

Daughter: "Mom, Dad, the firm is shipping me to Europe for a conference....
I gotta run as soon as din-din's over...didn't have time for a shopping trip!"

Goldberg sighed, "I don't care, we just like being together!"

Halfway through the meal, Goldberg, in a reflective mood, said, "Listen,
you three...Something's been on my mind, and I want to tell you about it.
Your Momma and I...well, we came to this country during the war, penniless,
desperate...and in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we never got around to
getting married....we just knew we loved each other, and after a few years,
it didn't seem important, so...."

The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said,
"DAD! You mean...you mean to say...we're...BASTARDS?"

"YEAH, and CHEAP ones, too!" retorted the old man.

[thedrifter]

Mormons at it again

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"

"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"

The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.

"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"

[thedrifter]

A REAL honest-to-goodness Mormon joke


woman visiting Salt Lake City in the latter half of the 18th century sees someone that she thinks may be Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church.

Woman: "Are you Brigham Young?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that is the head of the Mormon church?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that led the Mormons to Utah?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young that denounces all Christian religions as false except Mormonism?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

About this time, the woman is beginning to lose her temper.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who preaches polygamy?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Now she's really getting mad.

Woman: "Are you the Brigham Young who has 26 wives?"

Brigham Young: "I am."

Then furiously, she says -

Woman: "You ought to be Hung!"

Brigham Young: "I am."

[thedrifter]

The Famous Enterprise / Road Runner Story


Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captain's Log would be worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty.

Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet's surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.

[thedrifter]

The Vasectomy


A patient was waiting in a pre-op room for his vasectomy. A nurse walked in, lifted his robes, and gave him a blow job. The patient exclaimed: "Hey, that was great, but why?" The nurse responded: "The doctor likes your tubes to be flushed prior to the operation." As the patient was being wheeled into the operating room, he noticed other patients masturbating. He asked the attendant why they were doing this. The attendent replied that they, too, were about to have vasectomies. The patient then inquired why he got a blow job, while they had to masturbate. "Simple," said the attendant. "They have HMO, while you have Blue Cross."

[thedrifter]

American Jokes


Q: Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb?

A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

Q: How can you tell it's midnight at an American airport?

A: When you see the 8:00 PM flights taking off.

Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?

A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.

Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?

A: An import.

Q: How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new?

A: When it's recalled by the factory.

[thedrifter]

Soviet Humour

I worked for a while with a techie who was originally from the Ukraine. He would tell me bonafide Russian jokes. The ones I remember:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The farmers of a commune are gathered together by some officials for an announcement. The government spokesman steps up and announces that production is up, tractors are being manufactured in record quantities and the economy is wonderful. He then asks if there are any questions. A farmer named Perchek raises his hand. "Yes, Comrade, a question. If everything is so wonderful, why are we hungry, ill-housed and ill-clothed?
"An excellent question" comes the reply. I will ask it to my superiors and return to you with an answer.

Three months later, the farmers are once again gathered and the same type of news is announced. The spokesman again asks if there are questions.

"Yes," says one farmer. "Where is Perchek?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are a whole series of jokes involving the Reds and the Whites (Reds being the partisan revolutionaries and Whites being the ruling decadent pigs...) The jokes always involve the exploits of Sasha, Ivan and Boris, three revolutionary Reds. The only one I can remember is:

Boris is walking through Red Square one day on his way back to revolutionary headquarters, when he sees a long line of men with grins on their eager faces. He recognizes that many of them are prominent Whites. He sneaks to the head of the line and sees that they are waiting for a turn to screw a woman laid out on a mat in a warehouse. To his surprise, he discovers that it is Sasha!

Quickly donning a disguise, he gets in line and takes a turn, too. He then rushs back to Ivan at headquarters and announces the traitorous activities of Sasha, who he caught giving sexual favors to Whites!

About that time, Sasha walks into the building. Ivan jumps up and angrily demands to know what she has been doing. "Furthering our noble cause, comrades! I have been out spreading VD among the Whites!"