Chuckles of the Day...

[greybeard]

Not a joke-but funny anyway:
http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~rossh/funny/nokia.mpg

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas


This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he
> had
> > a
> > > > > pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
> to
> > buy
> > > > > an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a
centipede,
> > (100 leg
> > > > > bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided
> > he
> > > > > would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So
he
> > asked
> > > > > the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place
> with
> > me
> > > > > and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
asked
> > him
> > > > > again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But
> > again
> > > > > there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few
> > minutes
> > > > > more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more
> > time;
> > > > > this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
> > shouting,
> > > > > "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
> drink
> > with me?"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Scroll Down
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > A little voice came out of the box:
> > > > > "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my ****ing shoes."
> >

[thedrifter]

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
=======================

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet. close both lids and stand on top, so cat
cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times.. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and
quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[thedrifter]

Country Breakfast



A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[thedrifter]

Up or Down?



At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river.

The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork.

He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, '**** or drown!'"

[thedrifter]

Four Nuns having the Weekend off



It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

[thedrifter]

Together At Last



Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but you do mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[thedrifter]

I Come



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in and animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'

[thedrifter]

it's hell getting old
>>
>>Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
>>activities.
>>The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she
>>gets
>>her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed
>>and
>>putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
>>The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that
>>night
>>when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
>>totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her
>>head.
>>The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit
>>arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even
>>tougher
>>time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she
>>finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a
>>little
>>too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with
>>her
>>butt sticking straight up in the air.
>>It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
>>
>>"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put
>>your
>>teeth in .... you look like an *******."

[thedrifter]

The Young Wife



A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked.

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the man said.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.

[thedrifter]

The Shy Guy



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"

[thedrifter]

A Carnal Test



Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

"No problem," said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

[thedrifter]

Sandwich Making



There's a guy and a girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

[Osotogary]

Because it is the law.
Because the chicken has sub-contracted this joke.

[thedrifter]

"Bon Jour" French Quotes

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside
in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
--Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

[fray68]

I like the little old lady with a gun....I will probably become like her........hehe.........

[marinemom]

Sorry, guys - have to do this one....


Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.


2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

[thedrifter]

Punk Parrot Boy



One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later, a punk kid with the red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. The kid looks at him and says, "What you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

The old guy replies, "Yeah I ****ed a parrot once. I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

[thedrifter]

Headaches to Cure



A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:

Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

[thedrifter]

Babies



A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

[thedrifter]

Fascinate



A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

[thedrifter]

Three Nuns



Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh, my!" gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[thedrifter]

New Yorker



A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.

The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid ****!"

[lurchenstein]

One minute you're Mechanized Infantry...[SIZE=3]

[lurchenstein]

...Then yer airborne the next.

[thedrifter]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana.
She
> >wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very
> >reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
> >
> > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude
> >of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out
and
> >catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
> >The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
out
and
> >catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed
for
the
> >swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
> >
> > Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he
> >spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand.
> >Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her.
She
> >takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls
it on
> >to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.
> >The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
> >alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this
one
isn't
> >wearing any shoes either!"
> >

[thedrifter]

****ed Off



A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'

I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have ****ed me off for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really ****ed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally **** you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

[thedrifter]

To My Dear...



To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

Perfection



Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.





So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

[thedrifter]

The Pretzel Hold



Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands because he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there is a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[thedrifter]

Dictate



Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

Now spell "stupid."

Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

[thedrifter]

What am I?



This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches in length. It's function is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. When used, it is inserted -- almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly -- into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I??As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own...



toothbrush.

[thedrifter]

Custer's Last Thoughts



An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those ****ing Indians.'"

[thedrifter]

It's Dark In Here



A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here now," the priest says.

[thedrifter]

Computer-Illiterates



The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[thedrifter]

Woes Of a Senile Man



A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[thedrifter]

Idiots Stand Up



"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[thedrifter]

Liquor



Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/8961.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/9065.jpg

[thedrifter]

from our girl Cas.....


The Marines have the BEST toys!

A very confident Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am Wearing
panties!"

The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Barrio_rat]

DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him,".

*********************

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute,"

*******************

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without hesitating one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

**********************

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

********************

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

*********************

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[thedrifter]

Al Queda Recruiting Video


http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoAlQaeda.asp

[thedrifter]

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
> >
> >Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little
> forest, there lived an orphaned
> >bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising
> coincidence, both were blind
> >from birth.
> >
> >One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
> and the snake was
> >slithering through the forest, when the bunny
> tripped over the snake and fell
> >down. This, of course, knocked the snake about
> quite a bit.
> >
> >"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
> didn't mean to hurt you.
> >I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where
> I'm going. In fact, since
> >I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
> >
> >"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my
> story is much the same as
> >yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and
> also never knew my mother.
> >Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you,
> and work out what you are,
> >so at least you'll have that going for you."
> >
> >"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So
> the snake slithered all
> >over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
> with soft fur; you have
> >really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have
> a soft cottony tail. I'd
> >say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
> >
> >"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in
> obvious excitement. The bunny
> >suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all
> over with my paw, and
> >help you the same way that you've helped me."
> >
> >So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
> "Well, you're smooth and
> >slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone
> and no balls. I'd say you
> >must be French".

[thedrifter]

AIRPORT


It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some
conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following
are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around
the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but
get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't ! move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "! Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between ! Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
Overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is o! ur start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"

[DanBO]

A LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON.

Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed! again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Semper Fi Mac

[thedrifter]

Will You Watch



An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

[thedrifter]

Statues



For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

[thedrifter]

Between Holidays



A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[thedrifter]

Sisters



Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...

[thedrifter]

Bribe



During his wedding rehearsal, a groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to my wife forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[thedrifter]

French Training

[thedrifter]

They Grow Them Big In Texas



A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

[thedrifter]

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/National_Heckle/main.asp




http://cagle.slate.msn.com/fiore/



http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoTerror.asp

[Barrio_rat]

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[thedrifter]

Can you pass this test?

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

[thedrifter]

An eldery gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "how many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes......"

[thedrifter]

Hole Behind



A man visited a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting, so he got the directions to a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused about where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[thedrifter]

Super Heroes



Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

[thedrifter]

Speeding



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[thedrifter]

Letter of Recommendation



Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

[thedrifter]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up
her husbands clothes, she accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "So sorry.... excuse please, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."

[thedrifter]

What Will Be the Name Of Our Baby



A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

[thedrifter]

Hole-In-One



Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

[thedrifter]

Thuds



A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[thedrifter]

The Bisexual Son



Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's says his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

[thedrifter]

The Missionary and the Chief



A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build to become self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[virwar]

You know the world has truly changed when the top rapper is white, the top
golfer is black, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and the Germans
don't want war!!!!!!.


Smile -- it's Friday!!

Semper Fi Dave

[virwar]

"The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech,

and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says,

"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."



President Bush says "Well your Excellency,

anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show

'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks,

and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.

He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi,

and whispers back,



"It's because it takes place in the future...."

[thedrifter]

Convict



An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."


"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you are really cute!"

[thedrifter]

Moving Out



One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?!? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

[thedrifter]

Man With No Ears



There was a man who was in a horrible accident and injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business. He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

[Osotogary]

I was thinking of songs and cadences.

[thedrifter]

Make Love To a Ghost



A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host."

The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

[thedrifter]

Statue



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[thedrifter]

Telepathic Watch



A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman, when he starts to look at his watch. The woman notices and asks him if his date is late.

"No," he replies. "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was just about to test it."

"What does it do?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties."

"Ha! Well it must be broken, because I am!"

"Darn thing must be an hour fast."

[thedrifter]

Blind Salesman



A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know what type to get, so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart "associate" wearing dark shades.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20."

She says, "That's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for -- I'll take it."

As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she's embarrassed but realizes that there's no way he could tell it was her because he's blind and wouldn't know she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She replies, "I thought you said it was only $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, $20 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3, and the stink bait is $2.50."

[thedrifter]

God Will Help Me



There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[thedrifter]

The Different Son



A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Finally, she says, "You."

[thedrifter]

Blonde On First Class



On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[thedrifter]

Did You Cheat On Your Wife?



Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.

The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."

Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

[thedrifter]

After Vegas



Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

[thedrifter]

Book Reading In Bed



There was a couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband had put on his bedlamp to read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh!", he exclaimed, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

[Barrio_rat]

Do you think we should hold this weapon back any longer?

[Barrio_rat]

Can you hear me now?!?

[Barrio_rat]

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked! The police are
looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......

[Barrio_rat]

The real differences.....

[Barrio_rat]

We wanna see you smile...

[Sparrowhawk]

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes." ---Mark Twain


"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me." --- General George S. Patton


"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." ---Norman Schwartzkopf


"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ----
Marge Simpson


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac,
President of France ----"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,


"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin


"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
outside in Paris and drink little cups of c