Chuckles of the Day...

[greybeard]

Not a joke-but funny anyway:
http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~rossh/funny/nokia.mpg

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas


This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he
> had
> > a
> > > > > pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
> to
> > buy
> > > > > an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a
centipede,
> > (100 leg
> > > > > bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided
> > he
> > > > > would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So
he
> > asked
> > > > > the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place
> with
> > me
> > > > > and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
asked
> > him
> > > > > again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But
> > again
> > > > > there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few
> > minutes
> > > > > more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more
> > time;
> > > > > this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
> > shouting,
> > > > > "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
> drink
> > with me?"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Scroll Down
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > A little voice came out of the box:
> > > > > "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my ****ing shoes."
> >

[thedrifter]

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
=======================

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet. close both lids and stand on top, so cat
cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times.. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and
quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[thedrifter]

Country Breakfast



A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[thedrifter]

Up or Down?



At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river.

The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork.

He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, '**** or drown!'"

[thedrifter]

Four Nuns having the Weekend off



It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

[thedrifter]

Together At Last



Maria is a devoted religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me, father, but you do mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[thedrifter]

I Come



A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in and animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'

[thedrifter]

it's hell getting old
>>
>>Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
>>activities.
>>The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she
>>gets
>>her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed
>>and
>>putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
>>The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that
>>night
>>when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got
>>totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her
>>head.
>>The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit
>>arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even
>>tougher
>>time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she
>>finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a
>>little
>>too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with
>>her
>>butt sticking straight up in the air.
>>It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
>>
>>"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put
>>your
>>teeth in .... you look like an *******."

[thedrifter]

The Young Wife



A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked.

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the man said.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.

[thedrifter]

The Shy Guy



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean $200?"

[thedrifter]

A Carnal Test



Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

"No problem," said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

[thedrifter]

Sandwich Making



There's a guy and a girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

[Osotogary]

Because it is the law.
Because the chicken has sub-contracted this joke.

[thedrifter]

"Bon Jour" French Quotes

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside
in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
--Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

[fray68]

I like the little old lady with a gun....I will probably become like her........hehe.........

[marinemom]

Sorry, guys - have to do this one....


Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.


2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

[thedrifter]

Punk Parrot Boy



One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later, a punk kid with the red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. The kid looks at him and says, "What you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

The old guy replies, "Yeah I ****ed a parrot once. I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

[thedrifter]

Headaches to Cure



A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:

Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

[thedrifter]

Babies



A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

[thedrifter]

Fascinate



A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

[thedrifter]

Three Nuns



Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh, my!" gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[thedrifter]

New Yorker



A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.

The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid ****!"

[lurchenstein]

One minute you're Mechanized Infantry...[SIZE=3]

[lurchenstein]

...Then yer airborne the next.

[thedrifter]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana.
She
> >wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very
> >reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
> >
> > After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude
> >of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out
and
> >catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"
> >The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
out
and
> >catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed
for
the
> >swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
> >
> > Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when
he
> >spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand.
> >Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her.
She
> >takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls
it on
> >to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.
> >The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
> >alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this
one
isn't
> >wearing any shoes either!"
> >

[thedrifter]

****ed Off



A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'

I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have ****ed me off for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really ****ed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally **** you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

[thedrifter]

To My Dear...



To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

Perfection



Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.





So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

[thedrifter]

The Pretzel Hold



Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands because he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there is a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[thedrifter]

Dictate



Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

Now spell "stupid."

Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

[thedrifter]

What am I?



This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches in length. It's function is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. When used, it is inserted -- almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly -- into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I??As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own...



toothbrush.

[thedrifter]

Custer's Last Thoughts



An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those ****ing Indians.'"

[thedrifter]

It's Dark In Here



A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here now," the priest says.

[thedrifter]

Computer-Illiterates



The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[thedrifter]

Woes Of a Senile Man



A 64 year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[thedrifter]

Idiots Stand Up



"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[thedrifter]

Liquor



Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen ***** than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/8961.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/9065.jpg

[thedrifter]

from our girl Cas.....


The Marines have the BEST toys!

A very confident Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am Wearing
panties!"

The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

[Barrio_rat]

DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him,".

*********************

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute,"

*******************

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without hesitating one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

**********************

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

********************

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

*********************

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[thedrifter]

Al Queda Recruiting Video


http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoAlQaeda.asp

[thedrifter]

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
> >
> >Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little
> forest, there lived an orphaned
> >bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising
> coincidence, both were blind
> >from birth.
> >
> >One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
> and the snake was
> >slithering through the forest, when the bunny
> tripped over the snake and fell
> >down. This, of course, knocked the snake about
> quite a bit.
> >
> >"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
> didn't mean to hurt you.
> >I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where
> I'm going. In fact, since
> >I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
> >
> >"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my
> story is much the same as
> >yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and
> also never knew my mother.
> >Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you,
> and work out what you are,
> >so at least you'll have that going for you."
> >
> >"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So
> the snake slithered all
> >over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
> with soft fur; you have
> >really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have
> a soft cottony tail. I'd
> >say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
> >
> >"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in
> obvious excitement. The bunny
> >suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all
> over with my paw, and
> >help you the same way that you've helped me."
> >
> >So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
> "Well, you're smooth and
> >slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone
> and no balls. I'd say you
> >must be French".

[thedrifter]

AIRPORT


It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some
conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following
are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around
the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but
get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't ! move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot
broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "! Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between ! Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
Overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is o! ur start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"

[DanBO]

A LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON.

Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed! again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Semper Fi Mac

[thedrifter]

Will You Watch



An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

[thedrifter]

Statues



For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

[thedrifter]

Between Holidays



A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[thedrifter]

Sisters



Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...

[thedrifter]

Bribe



During his wedding rehearsal, a groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to my wife forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[thedrifter]

French Training

[thedrifter]

They Grow Them Big In Texas



A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

[thedrifter]

http://cagle.slate.msn.com/National_Heckle/main.asp




http://cagle.slate.msn.com/fiore/



http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoTerror.asp

[Barrio_rat]

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[thedrifter]

Can you pass this test?

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

[thedrifter]

An eldery gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "how many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes......"

[thedrifter]

Hole Behind



A man visited a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting, so he got the directions to a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused about where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[thedrifter]

Super Heroes



Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

[thedrifter]

Speeding



Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[thedrifter]

Letter of Recommendation



Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

[thedrifter]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up
her husbands clothes, she accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "So sorry.... excuse please, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."

[thedrifter]

What Will Be the Name Of Our Baby



A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

[thedrifter]

Hole-In-One



Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

[thedrifter]

Thuds



A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[thedrifter]

The Bisexual Son



Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's says his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

[thedrifter]

The Missionary and the Chief



A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build to become self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[virwar]

You know the world has truly changed when the top rapper is white, the top
golfer is black, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and the Germans
don't want war!!!!!!.


Smile -- it's Friday!!

Semper Fi Dave

[virwar]

"The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech,

and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says,

"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."



President Bush says "Well your Excellency,

anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show

'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks,

and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.

He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi,

and whispers back,



"It's because it takes place in the future...."

[thedrifter]

Convict



An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."


"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you are really cute!"

[thedrifter]

Moving Out



One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?!? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

[thedrifter]

Man With No Ears



There was a man who was in a horrible accident and injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business. He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

[Osotogary]

I was thinking of songs and cadences.

[thedrifter]

Make Love To a Ghost



A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host."

The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

[thedrifter]

Statue



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[thedrifter]

Telepathic Watch



A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman, when he starts to look at his watch. The woman notices and asks him if his date is late.

"No," he replies. "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was just about to test it."

"What does it do?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra or panties."

"Ha! Well it must be broken, because I am!"

"Darn thing must be an hour fast."

[thedrifter]

Blind Salesman



A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know what type to get, so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart "associate" wearing dark shades.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20."

She says, "That's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for -- I'll take it."

As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she's embarrassed but realizes that there's no way he could tell it was her because he's blind and wouldn't know she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She replies, "I thought you said it was only $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, $20 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3, and the stink bait is $2.50."

[thedrifter]

God Will Help Me



There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[thedrifter]

The Different Son



A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did."

The old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Finally, she says, "You."

[thedrifter]

Blonde On First Class



On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with the woman. The copilot went to talk with the woman, asking her to move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered into the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[thedrifter]

Did You Cheat On Your Wife?



Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.

The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."

Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

[thedrifter]

After Vegas



Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

[thedrifter]

Book Reading In Bed



There was a couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband had put on his bedlamp to read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh!", he exclaimed, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

[Barrio_rat]

Do you think we should hold this weapon back any longer?

[Barrio_rat]

Can you hear me now?!?

[Barrio_rat]

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked! The police are
looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......

[Barrio_rat]

The real differences.....

[Barrio_rat]

We wanna see you smile...

[Sparrowhawk]

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
prostitutes." ---Mark Twain


"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me." --- General George S. Patton


"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." ---Norman Schwartzkopf


"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ----
Marge Simpson


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac,
President of France ----"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,


"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin


"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't
know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)


"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona


"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French.
---Conan O'Brien



"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out
of France!" ---Jay Leno



"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman



How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the
bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.



Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

[fishon]

Barrio Rat. I don`t know what the %^&* we R waiting for. It will save a bunch of Brothers. Semper Fi Frank

[thedrifter]

Flat Tire



Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final with a solid "A." They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?"

[thedrifter]

Deer



A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

[thedrifter]

Birdy



One day, a little girl was walking along the beach and saw a naked man. Looking down, she asked the man, "What's that?"

"It's my bird," the man replied.

"Well, can I play with it?"

"Only if you go and ask your mom first," he answered.

Hearing this, the little girl ran home to her mother and asked her, "Mommy, can I play with a man's bird?"

The mother, thinking it was a normal bird, replied, "Okay, honey."

When the girl got back to the beach, the man was sleeping. When the man woke up he found himself lying in a hospital bed with the girl standing beside him. Confused, he asked her, "What happened?"

The girl promptly replied, "Well, when I was playing with your bird, he spit on me, so I bit off his head, cracked his eggs and burnt his nest."

[thedrifter]

Horseback Riding



A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

[thedrifter]

Guts



Two guys were hunting and got separated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log, he soon fell a sleep.

Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap.

A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have **** my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of God and a greasy stick, I would never have gotten 'em back in."

[DanBO]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I had better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor!"
So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the
drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and waited. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer printed out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs rings.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Semper Fi Mac

[NamNuts]

[NamNuts]

[thedrifter]

Vaseline



A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

[thedrifter]

Restaurant Ergonomics



A guy is eating at an exclusive eatery when the waiter comes up to his table and asks if everything is okay. The man replies "Yes," but during the conversation drops his spoon on the floor. The waiter immediately pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket.

The man asks, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?"

The waiter says that the place is so busy all the time, the employees need to save time any way they can. So they did a survey and the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon. Now, all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great.

Later on, the waiter again stops by to see if everything is okay. This time, the man notices a string sticking out of the waiter's zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull it out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, thus saving us time."

"Interesting," says the man, "But how do you put it back in your pants when you're done?"

The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."

[thedrifter]

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly



Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[thedrifter]

Old News



A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.

"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

[thedrifter]

Goofy



Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said, "Mickey, I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane."

Mickey said, "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

[thedrifter]

Honeymoon Golf



A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[thedrifter]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I

[thedrifter]

blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

[thedrifter]

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge, big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $27,000 on a new car, " he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left for a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her - and she doesn't even have a penis!"

[thedrifter]

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[thedrifter]

An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?

"Ten boys."

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."

"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."

[thedrifter]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.

Thank you." As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin'too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[Barrio_rat]

A female officer arrested a redneck for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the redneck, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."

The drunk replies; "Tits."

[Barrio_rat]

Any questions?

[Barrio_rat]

Perhaps it would look something like this.....

[marinesupporter]

The Iraqi Air Force: We fly more international flights out of Baghdad than any other carrier in the world.

Recently the US Air Force slogan has been changed to "Aim Low."

US Air over-night delivery service:

When you absolutely need to get it there over-night ... we GUARANTEE delivery before 4:30 in the morning. The US Air Force, we run the most dangerous ship in the shipping business.

The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an extended middle-east vacation cruise.

[marinesupporter]

We now all know the original sick joke:


Q. What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.

Here's a variation:

Q. What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?

A. We've bombed the **** out of all of 'em!!

(No Offense.....) :D

[marinesupporter]

One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein:

Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the Union address:

"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."

[marinesupporter]

They're replacing 100,000 Desert Marines with 5,000 women with PMS.
They're meaner, and they can retain water for 7 days.

[marinesupporter]

During the first press conference with Secretary Cheney and General Powell, one reporter asked how Saddam Hussein could communicate with the United States in the event that he would want to negotiate. The general completely avoided the question.

However, recent reports indicate a weak signal emanating from central Iraq. Analysts are confirming that the voice is that of Saddam Hussein. Roughly translated, the message reads "I'VE FALLEN... AND I CAN'T GET UP!!"

[marinesupporter]

Q: What does one Raytheon engineer say to another?

A: How about them Patriots?

[marinesupporter]

From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991:

What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why she's leaving the country?

a) "We're having some remodeling done."

b) "The exterminators are coming."

c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."

d) All of the above.


(and again...no offense);)

[marinesupporter]

Heard on SNL 1/19/91:

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They can't turn them on anyway.

[marinesupporter]

I SWEAR I heard these:

"You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter."

"We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous people out there, or maybe some journalists...."

Taking censorship too far:

"According to the military, the weather has cleared...."

Source: CNN, various days, various correspondents.

[marinesupporter]

There once was a man from Baghdad
Who suddenly made us all mad;
He fired a SCUD,
Which fell into mud,
And declared it Islamic Jihad.



Found on a white-wall at work

[thedrifter]

Five surgeons are arguing about who makes the best patients to
operate on.


But one doctor shuts them all up when he observes:
"The French are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine.
Plus , the head and ass are interchangeable."

[thedrifter]

Let's recycle

All of the rubble from New York...all the huge blocks of concrete and steel,

the old busted up computers, refrigerators, hot water heaters, air
conditioners, cars &trucks, broken glass, etc., should be shoveled into
C130's and C5A's, flown over Iraq and Afghanistan and dropped from 32,000
feet. A Frigidaire can do a heck of a lot of damage from 5 miles up!

With each assault we can drop pamphlets: "Greetings, from the 110th floor of
the World Trade Center." The next day it would read, "...from the 109th
floor..." Then the 108th, etc., etc.

After 110 days of this, I can't imagine there would be much left standing on
the ground.

Can't you just see the headlines: "WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK!"

What wonderful irony this would be, and think how much money we wouldn't have
to spend on new bombs or missiles! ... not to mention the 100-million tons
diverted from the New York City landfill...

[thedrifter]

The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.

She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.

[thedrifter]

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

[thedrifter]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[thedrifter]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

[thedrifter]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[thedrifter]

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

[thedrifter]

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."

[thedrifter]

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

[Sparrowhawk]

Humm, think I'll get me one

[NEWB]

I will go out tomorrow and get you one hawk. They are called "speed bumps" out here.

[thedrifter]

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.
She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head.

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

[thedrifter]

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ****ing jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but ****-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip****.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a *******ed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother****ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while ****ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are *****s. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of ****.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

[thedrifter]

Tons of Q & A for Kids!

Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.

[thedrifter]

Corporate Lessons!
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

[thedrifter]

The Secret Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

[thedrifter]

Rectum Stretcher
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot *******?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

[thedrifter]

The pop machine.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

[DanBO]

Subject: The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you
are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest
Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request? "The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before
the Lone Ranger, who whispers In Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the
Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but
I will still kill you in two days. What is your second
request?
"The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the
plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even
more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but
I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once
they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen
carefully, for the last time. I said "BRING POSSE!"

"Semper Fi Mac"

[thedrifter]

A baby was born who was so advanced he could talk. He looked


around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?"
he asked.

"Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking
such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," said the mother. "Thank you for taking such good care of
me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him closer, then
poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts don't it!"

[thedrifter]

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" asked the artist.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and
get some work done."

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"


The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding in the bus, so shut up!!!!!

[thedrifter]

what gender??





ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this: it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying.

[thedrifter]

A Proud Sponsor

[thedrifter]

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little
>
> bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
>
> > >Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing
>
> section in a swimming pool?
>
> > >OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the
>
> Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
> Tennessee Titans?
>
> > >If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one
>
> enjoys it?
>
> > >There are three religious truths:
>
> > >1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
>
> > >2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the
>
> > >Christian
>
> faith.
>
> > >3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store
or at
>
> Hooters
>
> > >If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times,
>
> > >does
>
> he become disoriented?
>
> > >If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from
>
> > >Holland
>
> called Holes?
>
> > >Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
>
> > >Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
> > >If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
> > >If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>
> When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
your
>
> > >two
>
> cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> > >Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale
>
> > >bread
>
> to begin with?
>
> When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
>
> > >Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person
> who
>
> drives a race car not called a racist?
>
> > >Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>
> > >Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>
> > >Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>
> > >"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
> language.
>
> Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
>
> > >If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
> follow that
>
> electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged,
> models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
>
> > >If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>
> > >Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
>
> > >What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
>
> > >I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole
lot
> more
>
> as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming
for
> their final exam.
>
> > >I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little
> spoons
>
> and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
>
> > >Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What
> are we
>
> supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures
> on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they
> deliver the mail?
>
> > >If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly
> are the others here for?
>
> > >You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
> > >No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.
>
> Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
>
>
> > >Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next
door
> went nuts.
>
> > >If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
>
> > >Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
>

[thedrifter]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".

"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!

[thedrifter]

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is '****ing shovel!'".

[thedrifter]

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "bartender give me a brewskie."

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

The gay continues, "I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything."

The bartender says, "Well, all right!" and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says "Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls"

A voice is heard from the corner. "Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!"

[thedrifter]

Well, these two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window
seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American got
on and took the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I
think I'll get up and get a beer".

"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and
spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks
good, Think I'll have one too."Again, the American obligingly went to get it
and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He looked at the two Arabs and asked,
"Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting
between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
****ing in beers?"

[thedrifter]

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and beg an hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift.

[thedrifter]

Sent by Cas.......

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex." The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is our first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

[thedrifter]

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

[thedrifter]

More One-liners worth passing on...

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

[thedrifter]

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"
A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!

[thedrifter]

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON BY MOTHERS TO THEIR DAUGHTERS:
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they can put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander; it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[thedrifter]

Senior Citizen's Alphabet

A for arthritis,

B for bad back,

C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention

H high blood pressure I'd rather have low)

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K!

K is for my knees that crack when they're bent

(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)

N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck

O is for osteo- and all bones that crack

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few

Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?

R is for reflux--one meal turns into two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears

T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears

U is for urinary: difficulties with flow

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is worry, now what's going 'round?

X is for X ray--and what might be found.

Y for another year I've left behind

Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

[thedrifter]

Dog Fight
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

Confucius say...

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with atletic finger make broad jump.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who is jacking into a peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Elevator smell different to midget.
Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have ****ty time.
When lady say no, she mean maybe when lady say maybe, she mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

He who outruns the cheetah is ****ing fast on his feet!
There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.
Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Woman who not practise sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate length.
It take square ass to **** a brick.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..
He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
Man who screws near graveyard is ****ing near dead.
Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
Man who put foot in mouth get athlete's tongue.
Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass makespectacle of self.
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.

[thedrifter]

Child of the 80's (super long)
You might be a child of the 80's if...

... you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.

... the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

... you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.

... not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.

... you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.

... you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.

... the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

... you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica"

.... songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

... three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?

... you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!

... you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".

... you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

... you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

... a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".

... you're ****ed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, ****ed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.

... you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

... while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

... you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.

... one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"

... you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".

... you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".

... you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.

... you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

... you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

... you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".

... you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.

... you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases:
-- "When I was younger . . ."
-- "When I was your age . . ."
-- "You know, back when . . ."
-- "Because I SAID so, that's why."
-- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?"
-- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."

... you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

... Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

... kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to **** you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".

... you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

... flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential
election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.

... the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped
because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.

... you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

... at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

... "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

... the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

... there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".

... you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

... you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

... you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the
streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

... the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

... you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal
Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.

... honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

... you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.

... you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

... (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.

... (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

... you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.

... you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun
going into denial about its possibility.

... you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"

... you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.

... you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.

... you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

... your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".

... this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

... you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."

... you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

... you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.
conntinued........

[thedrifter]

... you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that
maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

... you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

... you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".

... going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

... you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back
hurts, sorry.

... you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.

... you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.

... you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

... you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the
lingo used on MTV any more.

... (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.

... you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

... U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.

... you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

... when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

... you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

... you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.

... you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or
Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

... you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General
Hospital).

... you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."

... your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

... you know who shot J.R.

... this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

[thedrifter]

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

[thedrifter]

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
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.
.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

[thedrifter]

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

[thedrifter]

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son.
When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that ******* would've tried that **** with me!

[thedrifter]

All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

[thedrifter]

. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

[jegries]

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the
>first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he
>notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking.
>
>
>After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove
>springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed,
>Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
>
>A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
>comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
>George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace
>between the two countries.
>
>But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks
>
>Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back to
>
>Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two
>
>weeks in Washington!"
>
>A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
>
>two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares
>
>himself for the Yank's retaliation.
>
>They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam
>ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he
>presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens.
>Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam
>jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a
>fit of hysterics.
>
>"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" George W. says
>
>through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[thedrifter]

TRUE FACTS, ALTHOUGH A BIT ODD!


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee ..
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home....... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[Osotogary]

I had fun with this possible scenario.
Gary

[thedrifter]

Thanks Gary..........



* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to
eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the
bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

[thedrifter]

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, "Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'" She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!"

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, "That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the ****ing potatoes."

[thedrifter]

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady." At that, she went to the principal.

He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name." He said "well, what is your name?" she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!"

So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys." She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-A**... SAME THING!"

[thedrifter]

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a ***** and a *****? A ***** sleeps with everybody at the party, and a ***** sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? ****ing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

[thedrifter]

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly
baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never
believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not
here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever
find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."

[thedrifter]

Dear Friend,

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

[thedrifter]

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks 'do you want any help?' Man on the rock replies 'no- the Lord will save me'-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him 'do you want any help?' The man replied 'no - the Lord will save me!' Then along comes another man on a boat and asks 'do you want any help?' and he said 'no-the Lord will save me'.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter 'why didn't the Lord save me????'

St.Peter said' he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?'

[fabboss]

Thought for the Day - Redcoats


A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The
French captured an English major. Taking the major to their
headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French
general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't
you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"


In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood
won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why
from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

[Barrio_rat]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."

"Which word?" the woman asked."

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[lurchenstein]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family -- but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and
asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.....
:o

[Barrio_rat]

IRAQI AIR FORCE

What is the Iraqi Air Force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador.

Do you know why it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.

[Barrio_rat]

Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The 1st surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"

The 2nd responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded,"

The 3rd surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The 4th surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the 5th surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbone, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass
are interchangeable."

[thedrifter]

DRUNK

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[thedrifter]

High Tech.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

[thedrifter]

Fishing

Where's My Pajamas?

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

[thedrifter]

The Long Line

An Englishman waiting to tee-off sees a funeral procession going by. It was a strange looking affair, the casket and the pall bearers were led by a man who had a dog by a leash and the rest of the people were walking in a straight line behind the casket. Unable to resist his curiosity, he goes up to the man with the dog and asks " Excuse me for troubling you on such a sad occasion. but I have never seen such a string funeral. the dog and all the people walking in a straight line???"

The man with the dog answers "This is my wife's funeral."

"But why the dog?" asks the Englishman.

"She died because this dog here bit her," said the man with the dog.

"Very sorry to hear that. Would you mind if I borrow the dog for a while?"

"Sure" says the man with the dog, "get to the back of the line."

[thedrifter]

Two Friends Play Golf on Saturday

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

[thedrifter]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

[thedrifter]

Blondes On Top
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[thedrifter]

YOU MIGHT BE REDNECK IF .......
-- Your computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
-- You think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestling organization.
-- Someone tells You they're "locked up" and You ask if they need bail money.
-- You've ever been too drunk to chat.
-- Your screen saver is a confederate flag and plays Dixie.
-- You think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
-- Your mouse keeps knocking over your spitcan.
-- You think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
-- You keep trying to figure out why your scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
-- You think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
-- You have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
-- You stomach overlaps half of your keyboard.
-- You try to figure out how to get your empty beer cans into the recycling bin.
-- You try to turn on Your computer with the remote.
-- You try to figure out how Your floppy disk got hard.
-- You play Frisbee with your CD Rom's.
-- You find yourself on the floor looking into your "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
-- When birds fly across your screen an you reach for Your shotgun.
-- You put a mousetrap on your desk.
-- Your yard is full of old computers stacked on cinder blocks.
-- You use Your CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
-- You call tech support an ask where to buy stamps for your e-mail.
-- When You tern your computer on you say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
-- You think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
-- You think 64 M RAM is a new big block engine for Your pickup.
-- You think ICQ is how smart your computer is.
-- Someone tells you that your computer has a bug an you reach for the can of Raid.
-- You think a mouse pad is where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
-- You go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
-- You think your homepage is where you really live.
-- You give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
-- You think MB stands for "More Beer."
-- You wait for the Bluelight special at K-Mart to buy your computer.
-- You see the word Download, and take the shells out of your shotgun.
-- You think the person that made your keyboard was dumb 'cuz the letters aren't in order.
-- You think pushing the delete key will make your ol' lady disappear.
-- You think CD stands for Cow Dung.
-- You think GIF stands for "Goodie It's Free."
-- You think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
-- You see the "shift" key and try to figure out how to change gears.
-- You wonder why your screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
-- You think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
-- You think Geocities is a place to buy little cars.
-- You catch yourself trying to smell the little flower on your ICQ contact list.
-- You think the "A drive" is where you park your pickup.
-- You see the word "Zip" and know why you were feeling a draft.
-- Your computer has a bumper sticker on it.
-- Part of Your computer is held together with duct tape.
-- You sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler for another beer.
-- Your in a chat room and someone asks where your from and you reply, "My momma."
-- You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

[thedrifter]

Military Communication Exercise

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense togather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, if each asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:

Tell those swabs to:

-- Unplug the coffeepots

-- Turn off the computers

-- Turn out the lights

-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:

-- Assemble the company

-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard

-- Take control of all exits

-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her

-- Assemble the platoon and supplies

-- Approach the building along three axes

-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire

-- Assault the building under covering fire

-- Sequester surviving prisoners

-- Establish lanes of fire

-- Prepare artillery calls

-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:

-- Contact real estate agent

-- Negotiate 1-year lease

-- Be sure to get option to buy

[thedrifter]

COMMON OBJECTIONS TO THE IRAQI WAR :
>
> Young Americans will die in battle.
> --Would you prefer they die in skyscrapers?
>
> The United States is taking unilateral action against Iraq! --
> --So far, it's a 90-member worldwide "unilateral" coalition.
>
> We are in a rush to war.
> --A 12-year rush?
>
> Tough inspections can disarm Saddam Hussein without invading Iraq.
> --12 years of inspections have done wonders so far.
>
> We should let the inspectors finish their job.
> -- We did. They didn't. We will.
>
> Why fight? The Iraqi military is weaker than in 1991.
> -- But their biological weapons and chemical weapons are much more
> dangerous.
>
> There's no proof of weapons.
> -- We know they have 'em, we know they hide 'em, and we have tape
recordings
> and photographs. What more is needed? An Iraqi rocket in Martin
Sheen's
> shorts?
>
> If we invade, Saddam Hussein might use those weapons of mass
destruction
> against us.
> -- I thought you said Iraq didn't have them?
>
> But terrorists might attack if we invade Iraq.
> --Oh, so if we don't attack Iraq, terrorists will never strike again?
>
> We shouldn't go to war without a UN resolution.
> -- ANOTHER resolution? What about the last 18 resolutions? Shall we
use
them
> as wallpaper? Or shall we use the same resolutions used in Bosnia?
(Clinton
> didn't go to the UN on Bosnia)
>
> We don't have a real declaration for war.
> --It's called "Joint Congressional Resolution #114."
>
> We are giving 20 billion dollars to Turkey. We could use that money
at
home.
> --OK, we'll use that money to strengthen our Iraqi border with
Wyoming.
>
> If North Korea has nuclear weapons, why aren't we invading them
first?
> -- Uh...hello...isn't that the point?
>
> European leaders are against the war.
> -- The Reichstag wasn't attacked. The Grande Place wasn't attacked.
The
> Kremlin wasn't attacked. And the Jerry Lewis Lifetime
>
> Achievement Museum wasn't attacked. America was attacked. And
besides,
> except for the tantrums of France, Belgium and Germany, only three
European
> nations aren't willing to defend freedom. The entire rest of Europe
is
with
> America.
>
> The French don't support the war.
> -- Oh, did they surrender already?
>
> Germany objects to this war.
> -- Germany objected to Reagan's "attitude" towards the Soviet Union.
Of
> course, they objected to our presence in 1943 as well.
>
> Belgians are against the war.
> -- I can live without waffles and ice cream.
>
> Russia doesn't support the war.
> -- They are still angry over Reagan's brilliant Cold War victory.
>
> Polls show Europeans are against this war.
> -- Polls show Europeans believe their freedom was achieved by
endlessly
> debating in marvelous dining halls, conveniently forgetting their
right to
> be pompous blowhards was granted with American blood, not fabulous
wine
and
> brie.
>
> We should build a coalition with our friends.
> -- With friends like these, who needs enemies?
>
> What happens if we can't build a United Nations coalition?
> -- Who cares?
>
> But the UN is the world's most respected governing body.
> -- Not as respected as the US military.
>
> America has always waited until enemies attacked.
> --Now that oceans can't hold back enemies, pre-emptive war is forever
a
> necessity.
>
> War will cost billions!
> -- So how much is YOUR city worth?
>
> President Bush says he's willing to violate the 1976 executive order
> forbidding assassinations of foreign leaders.
> -- As soon as the ink is dry on rescinding that idiotic order, will
someone
> please pull the trigger? The line forms to the right.
>
> Many Senators don't support Bush.
> -- Are you speaking of the Senators from Bordeaux?
>
> Tom Daschle says George Bush has a "credibility gap"
> -- When was the last time we came to Tom Daschle for the truth???
>
> Bush senior should have taken out Hussein in '91.
> -- That 1991 UN resolution forbade a march on Baghdad. Remember?
>
> Millions of peace activists are demanding we stop the war.
> --Millions of Iraqi's are begging for us to start the war.
>
> Thousands of innocents will be killed or injured.
> -- That's a lot less than Hussein is killing right now.
>
> Protesters have genuine objections to war
> -- Just like they did in WWII? Korea? Vietnam? Panama? The Gulf War?
> Somalia? Haiti? Bosnia? Afghanistan?
>
> People are coming from all over the world to act as "human shields".
> -- Quick...hurry up...before the bombs start dropping.
>
> This is about American Imperialism.
> -- So which country do we own? Name our colonies? What nation sends
us
their
> tax dollars? If America was imperialist, we'd already own the entire
world.
> Who could stand in our way?
>
> This is Blood for Oil
> -- The only blood is the Iraqi people tortured, starved and killed
while
> Hussein builds massive palaces to hide nuclear weapons...all
>
> financed with Iraqi oil.
>
> This is a racist war.
> -- America happily endorses a multi-cultural attitude towards anyone
who
> dares to take away our freedom. Regardless of race, color, or creed;
we
will
> hunt them down and kill them.
>
> A U.S.-led invasion of Iraq is a great recruiting tool for
terrorists.
> -- Have fun recruiting people into oppressive misery as they enjoy
their
> first taste of freedom.
>
> An attack on Iraq could seriously undermine and destabilize Arab
nations.
> -- Destabilize the region? What stability? The sooner we topple these
> oppressive 14th century terrorist regimes the better.
>
> Are we prepared for a multi-billion dollar occupation?
> -- Were we prepared to liberate Europe and Japan in 1945? South Korea
in
> 1953? Grenada? El Salvador? Kuwait? The Eastern Bloc? Afghanistan?
Nations
> always love Americans when we rescue them from tyranny. The price of
freedom
> is never free.
>
> Polls show Americans are more concerned about the threat from al
Qaeda
than
> from Iraq.
> -- It's not a war against Al Qaeda. It's not a war against Iraq.
It's a
war
> against terrorism. Anywhere we find it. One nation at a
>
> time.
>
> American opinion is against the war.
> -- No, it's not. A majority of Americans want to fight now, not
later.
>
> According to a recent poll. . . .
> -- You know what? Screw those polls. We're in a war against
terrorism. If
> you don't want to fight the ones who would murder you
>
> and your family in a heartbeat, get the hell out of the way. Go visit
Paris.
> Or Antwerp. Or Berlin. Or Moscow. And stay there. Forever. But this
time,
> don't call us when the heathens are at the gates.
>
> "I'd say the French were 'scumbags' but that would be a disservice to
bags
> full of scum." - Dennis Miller -
>

[thedrifter]

Diary of a New Cook
Dear Diary,

Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun
to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe
said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls
to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in.
The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve
without dressing". So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to
bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look
startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water
and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly
in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my moms.
So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there
one hour so the dog would not take it.Bill came over and asked
if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over
to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with
the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the
same as when I left it.

Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress
for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a
doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real
cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but
all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven
and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it
still came out hamburger.

Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well
and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in
bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk.

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am
eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

[thedrifter]

What's a Man?
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem."
And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?"

"I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely-and I'm sick of eating apples."

"Well, in that case, " replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you."

"What's a man?"

"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really food at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals-and not bad in the sack."

"Sounds great!" replied Eve.

"There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[thedrifter]

Breakfast for My Sweetie
A young couple got married, and the husband thought this would
be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brings his
wife breakfast in bed.

She wasn't impressed wit his culinary skills, however. She
looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I
wanted *scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, the young man brings his true
love a *scrambled* egg.

She wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety?
I wanted *poached* this morning!"

Determined to please her, the *next* morning he thought, "third
time's a charm" and brought her *two* eggs -- one scrambled
and one poached.

"Here, love, enjoy!"

"You scrambled the wrong egg."

[thedrifter]

First Baseball Game
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat
quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few
swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet
screaming "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The
Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run
ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely
embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the
Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -
he got four balls."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
man...walk with pride!"

[thedrifter]

Old MacDonald
Two football players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not
allowed to play in the big game the following week. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he
knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny
on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the
last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make
sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had
a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his
No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is
spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

[thedrifter]

Won't Spill a Drop
A guy walked into a bar and went to the back by some pool tables.
Then he came back to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I have
you a bet."

"OK," he replied.

The guy said, " I bet you $200 that I can pee into a glass over
there, and not spill a drop." Now the glass is a good 15 feet
away. So the tender accepts the bet.

The man starts to pee, he pees everywhere, on the bar, on the
phone, on the bartender, on the stools, the floor, and so on.

The bartender is laughing, wiping **** off his head. The man is
laughing as well.

"Why in the hell are you so happy?" sais the bartender, " You
are out $200."

"Well you see, " he says, "those 3 men playing pool, I bet them
$500 a piece that I could **** on your bar, your phone, your
floor, and on you. I also told them not only would you be mad
about it, but you would actually be happy."

[thedrifter]

Yeah, I Get Around
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a
stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears
that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be
served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be
called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then
softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool
and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE
door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers
for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely-
but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his
inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk
looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses,
and shows himself out the side door, all the while
grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man
that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and
either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in
hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do
you work at?

[jryanjack]

Take a listen to this, its hilarious!

http://www.barsky.com/audio/screwfrance.m3u

[thedrifter]

Lost ID
> >
> >
> > A guy was traveling through Canada on his vacation
> > when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet with all his
> > identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to
> > make his way home but is stopped by Customs at the
> > Canadian border.
> >
> > "May I see your identification, please?" asks the
> > agent.
> >
> > "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet." replies the guy
> >
> > "Sure buddy! I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing
> > the border." says the agent.
> >
> > "But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims.
> > "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt
> > cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
> >
> > "This I gotta see." replies the agent.
> >
> > With that, our hero drops his pants and bends over in
> > front of the
> > agent.
> >
> > "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on
> > home to California."
> >
> > "Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from
> > California?"
> >
> > "I saw a picture of your governor, Gray Davis, in the
> > middle."
> >

[thedrifter]

Young Love
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who
was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!", said the
husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the
pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be
until your damn attitude changes!"

[thedrifter]

The Only One
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new
virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.
She, of course, believes him.

He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks. He returns,
only to be questioned by his new wife. "Bruce," she says, "I
thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry
at the drug store has one too."

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war
together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine."

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the best one?"

[thedrifter]

Correct Spelling
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth
until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter,
one tourist asked the blond employee, Before we order, could
you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The
blonde leaned over the counter and said,
Burrrrrr-Gurrrrr Kiiiingggg.

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

[thedrifter]

Escaped Convicts
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a
brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they
came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the
hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three
large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the
barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the
hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he
saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy
kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went,
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went,
"Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no
sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde
said, "Potatoes".

[thedrifter]

Karate Class
Bill was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when
he walked home from work, he would get stopped by
three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal
his money.

Finally, Bill decided that it would serve his best
interest to walk a different route and then take up
some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen
again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing
very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Bill took his
old route home and sure enough there they were. He
walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next
afternoon Bill went to his karate class with a black
eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Bill, "I took my old way home last
night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing
my money, but they beat me up before I could get my
shoes and socks off!"

[thedrifter]

Digging
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels
and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they
got into an argument about what they were burying.

"This here's a big mule!" "This ain't no mule, this here's
a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"

Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by.
"What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"

The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass!"

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are
you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir, we're diggin' an *******."

[thedrifter]

Mouse Traps
An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept
a couple of food bins. One of those bins contained
apples, and the other bin contained nuts.

They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice,
so one evening before going to bed they set a couple
of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by
the bin of nuts.

During the night they heard a trap snap. The old
gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught
a mouse.

On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we
catch him by the apples?"

The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."

[thedrifter]

High Winds
An old lady was standing of the deck of the
cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it
would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did
you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that you are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, any part of my body that you see
85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[thedrifter]

Season Ticket Swap
Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out
laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a
classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap
his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
magazine.

Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

[thedrifter]

Heavenly Baseball
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans
in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history
in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the
season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that
whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if
there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's
voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do
you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven,
Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[thedrifter]

Public Works
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job
with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of
a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that
she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per
day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions
and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that
the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double
the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really
going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the
blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought,
"Well she's still at the average and I don't want to
discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day
however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing
so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day
two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there
a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you
from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther
and farther away from the bucket."

[thedrifter]

Press Bell
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a
sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman
clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then
another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."

[thedrifter]

Short Blonde Jokes
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the
car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said
"Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward
and said, "Where, where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed
to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.

[thedrifter]

What Time Does the Bar Open?
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from
a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It
opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same
guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the
bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but
if you can't wait, I can have room service send
something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[thedrifter]

That's Cheap!
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar
and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied

"Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could
I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and
a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir, "replies the bartender, "but all that
comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who
owns this place?"

The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to
his business."

[thedrifter]

Flight attendant,



An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."



To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you......... Tray-up *****

[thedrifter]

How Was Your Day?
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud
and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.
Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken
glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.
He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"

[thedrifter]

Ten Dollars
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy
said "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane
ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't
go this time I may nevah go."

Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...
and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal,
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just
one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it
one more time; still nothing... So he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By golly,
I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but
you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha
fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

[thedrifter]

Pregnant Caddy
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners,
and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor
was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along
with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good
for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen,
it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with
your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle
of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[thedrifter]

10 Ways to Simulate Ski Season
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to
remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times
in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in
front of a snow maker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

[thedrifter]

Gardening Tips
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes
won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green
tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her
neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's
what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all
your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll
be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red,
you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks
how it worked. "So-so" she answers. "The tomatoes are still
green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."

[thedrifter]

Cowboys, Lawyers, Farmers
Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers
from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both
the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could
tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a
briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to
the briefcase all the time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she
is asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it
was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

[thedrifter]

Cuckoo Clock
At about 3 a.m., a guy was home rather late. He came
home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three
times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine
more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.
He was very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and
he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said they
needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered,
"Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted,
cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more
times and then started giggling."

[thedrifter]

He'll Never Know
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone
off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just
no good," she moaned.

"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and
tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an
orgasm as usual!"

[thedrifter]

Karate Class
Bill was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when
he walked home from work, he would get stopped by
three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal
his money.

Finally, Bill decided that it would serve his best
interest to walk a different route and then take up
some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen
again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing
very well to defend himself.

So, one day, on the way home from work Bill took his
old route home and sure enough there they were. He
walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next
afternoon Bill went to his karate class with a black
eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Bill, "I took my old way home last
night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing
my money, but they beat me up before I could get my
shoes and socks off!"

[thedrifter]

GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We
just
> want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken
is
> either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
If the
> chicken WON'T willingly cross the road, we will lead a coalition of
the
> willing to escort it.
>
> COLIN POWELL This is not about whether inspectors made sure the
chicken
> crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross
the
road
> voluntarily.
>
> AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
chicken
> crossing the road represented the application of these two different
> functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater
> services to the American people.
>
>
> BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you
mean
by
> chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
>
> RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road
had
been
> polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach
the
> unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by
the
> wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
>
> PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
>
>
> RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll
bet
it
> was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
someone out
> there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
> crossing-the-road syndrome. How much more of this can real Americans
take?
> Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
say
tax
> dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from
you
to
> build roads for chickens to cross.
>
> MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was
going.
I
> had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the
price
> dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
>
> JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't
you
people
> see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the
> "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my
friends,
> that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay
too. I
> say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the
> liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other
> side."
>
> DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad?
Yes,
> the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone.
>
> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be
free
to
> cross roads without having their motives called into question.
>
> KEVIN WIRTH The chicken crossed the road to prove to the possum it
was
> posable.
>
> GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone
> told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for
us.
>
> BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be
listening
> to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of
how it
> experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long
> dream of crossing the road.
>
> JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
>
> ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>
> KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
>
> SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite
> justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
>
> CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
>
> FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many
more
> chickens have to cross before you believe it?
>
> SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed
> the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
>
> BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only
cross
> roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your
> checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of
eChicken.
>
> ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move
> beneath the chicken?
>
> THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the
chicken,
> "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there
was
> much rejoicing.
>
> COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

[thedrifter]

Before It Starts
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops
down on the couch in front of the television, and tells
his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer
before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it
down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're
going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that
TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and
furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

[thedrifter]

Impressive
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside
a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned
off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That
was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a
month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen
reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a
day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure,
once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with
the same cow!!!"

[thedrifter]

Astute Observation
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training
to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing
a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds
and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous
response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the
second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with
you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best
answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this
point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a
very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before
giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts
or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here
for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back
to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ...
it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.
Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[thedrifter]

Blonde University
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They
were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid
bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they
belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new
Department especially for them. The university agreed, and
set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own
where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they
really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just
stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department
at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the
Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I
Belong in B.E.D."

[thedrifter]

Back Up
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker -
"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"

Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

[thedrifter]

Old MacDonald
Two football players were taking an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not
allowed to play in the big game the following week. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he
knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny
on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the
last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make
sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had
a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his
No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is
spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

[thedrifter]

Fight
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests.
One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he
decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then
filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond
anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of
mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw
them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms
wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets,
a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up
and asked "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied:
"I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost!"

[thedrifter]

Take the Stairs
The two men were drunk after the annual college dinner and wanted to leave the hotel.

Chris stopped someone, "Look, pops, how do ya get out of here?"

The porter pointed along the passage. "Turn right at the next passage
and go down two steps and you'll be in the main hall."

They staggered on together; but turned left and fell down the lift
shaft to the basement.

As they sorted themselves out, Randy rolled over.

"Look, Chris. If that fella thinks I'm going down the other step,
he's crazy!"

[thedrifter]

Off to Market
Mom sends Tim off to the market to buy a few things and Sarah
tags along as usual. After investing in a new bucket, a straw
broom, a couple of live chickens and a calf, Tim is struggling
home, with the calf baulking and the chickens flapping and
the bucket clanking - all in different directions.
As they pass through a bit of bush Sarah says, "Aw gee, Tim,
I'm scared!" Tim yanks the calf and recovers a chicken and
says, "Yeah! What of, Sarah?"

"Aw gee, you might take advantage of me in this lonely bush!"
says Sarah.

"Come off it, Sarah," says Tim, grabbing the bucket. "Look
how busy I am with all of this!"

Quick as a flash, Sarah says, "But couldn't you put the
chickens down on the ground with the bucket on top of them,
and push the broom into the ground and tie the calf to it?"

[Barrio_rat]

Potty Training

This is guaranteed to make anyone who has potty trained a kid laugh!

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo........

I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 20 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son" my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

---------------------------------------------------

The world has gone crazy.....

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

[Barrio_rat]

Now this might be a good advertisement for Beno!

[Phantom Blooper]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and was told that there was a fortune in horse racing.So he decided to purchase one and try his luck. However at the local auction horses were so expensive that he ended up buying a donkey instead.He entered the race and to his surprise he ended up coming in third place.The headlines the next day read:Pastor's Ass Shows The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered the race again,and this time it again won. The local paper read :Pastor's Ass Out Front The bishop was so upset with type of publicity that ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline readBishop Scratches Pastor's Ass This was to much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey,so the pastor gave it to a nun in a local convent.The local paper heard of the news and posted thefollowing headline the next day:Nun Has Best Ass in Town. The bishop fainted and he also orderd the nun to get rid of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.The paper this time read:Nun Sells Ass for Ten Dollars This was just too much for the bishop to handle so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:Nun Annouces Her Ass is Wild and Free The bishop was buried the next day!:banana:

[thedrifter]

Renaming of Iraqi cities (#9 is my favorite)


Now that American Aircraft and Military have reorganized
Iraq's landscape, USintelligence has discovered that they have renamed some
of
their towns. The new towns include:

> 1. Wherz-Myroof
> 2. Mykamel-Izded
> 3. O****-Disisabad
> 4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
> 5. Pleez-Ztopdi****
> 6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
> 7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
> 8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
> 9. Myturbin-Izburnin
> 10. Imma-Dedshmuck

[thedrifter]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[thedrifter]

Peace talks - good 'ol George.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk
and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking
as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is
pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the
shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again George carries on talking,
not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two
countries. But when the third button is pressed and another
boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's
finally had enough. I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly
tells the Iraqi. "We'll Finish these talks in two weeks in
Washington!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for
talks. As The two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons
on Bush's chair and Prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam
ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds
later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again
nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third
button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing
happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[thedrifter]

Missing Persons
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor
to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked
for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark
wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken,
and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied,
"Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[thedrifter]

His and Hers ATMs
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written
on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

[thedrifter]

Silence.......finally!
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,
"it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."

[thedrifter]

X-Rated Rentals
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before,
so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes
to the video store and, after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video
store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some
of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'