View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...

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04-04-12, 06:59 PM
US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with at least a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point Presentation.
6. Wine and dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives 7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.

04-05-12, 06:42 AM
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008,so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

04-05-12, 08:03 AM
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat shocked and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

The accountant replies, "That still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken farmer it is."

David R 1968
04-06-12, 08:32 AM
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A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian from New Jersey fumed, "What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'
The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?


Ed Palmer
04-06-12, 01:55 PM
RALEIGH, NC - Jeff Gordon announced today he has fired his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of Newt Gingrich's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Colt .45, a bag of weed and some photos of Gordon's wife in the shower.

Ed Palmer
04-06-12, 01:58 PM

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It
did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area. One of the local
television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman
how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected
their lives?

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other
people, but we ain't gone to no churches in years. We gets our chicken from

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless. They're out there, they
live among us, AND THEY VOTE.

Now you understand how we got our president?

04-06-12, 02:42 PM
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another baby.”

You never hear a guy say, “It would be nice to get kicked in the nuts again!”

04-07-12, 03:32 AM
So True!

David R 1968
04-07-12, 05:56 AM
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A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted????

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"


04-07-12, 11:24 AM
alright a good laugh to start the day, i like it,

04-07-12, 01:28 PM
you'll love this one

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Ed Palmer
04-07-12, 02:57 PM

04-07-12, 03:00 PM
This is funny

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04-08-12, 11:47 AM

David R 1968
04-08-12, 04:53 PM
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign reads:


Only $20 each!

Comes with COMPLETE instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


I'm only going to show you how to do this






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04-09-12, 09:37 AM
But we do get drugs for childbirth and a baby is the end result.

04-09-12, 11:47 AM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'm guessing our son-in-law.'

Ed Palmer
04-09-12, 01:35 PM
Road Signs for the Dazed and Confused


Ed Palmer
04-09-12, 01:42 PM
Funny Engrish




David R 1968
04-10-12, 08:48 AM
<tbody id="yui_3_2_0_5_1334065451230683" style="width: 731px; ">

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

<b id="yui_3_2_0_5_1334065451230665"><big><big>
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"</big></big></b>


04-10-12, 08:51 PM
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Yeget three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want: a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here', the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

'You might not be surprised to know that I did that for yer!' The Leprechaun said. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What?' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

David R 1968
04-11-12, 06:56 AM
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<tt>I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....</tt></pre>
<tt> </tt></pre>
<tt>I noticed two large women by the bar.</tt></pre>
<tt> </tt></pre>
<tt>They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are </tt></pre>
<tt>you two ladies from Scotland?"</tt></pre>
<tt>One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"</tt></pre>
<tt>So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are </tt></pre>
<tt>you two whales from Scotland ?"</tt></pre>
<tt>Then the lights went out....</tt></pre>
<tt> </tt></pre>



Ed Palmer
04-11-12, 08:32 AM
My wife found out that our dog, [a Schnauzer], could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian. The Vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, & the dog could then hear fine. The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, “if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store & get some ‘Nair’ hair remover & rub it in the dog's ears once a month.” Andrea went to the store & bought some ‘Nair’ hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

David R 1968
04-11-12, 04:21 PM

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

04-12-12, 11:24 AM
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of The Night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.

The man chuckled and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

David R 1968
04-12-12, 02:39 PM
two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"

Ed Palmer
04-12-12, 02:51 PM

When 3 people have sex together , it's called a threesome !
When 2 people have sex together , it's called a twosome !

Now I know why people calls you handsome !

04-12-12, 08:12 PM
Just passing this along!!!!!

You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

A Muslim officer crying "Allah Akbar" while shooting up an army base is considered to have committed "Workplace Violence" (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2817941/posts) while an American citizen boasting a Ron Paul bumper sticker is classified as a "Domestic Terrorist" (http://www.unitedliberty.org/articles/ron-paul-supporters-terrorists).
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend more money.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" (http://articles.nydailynews.com/2011-12-05/news/30479021_1_sexual-harassment-substitute-teacher-inappropriate-behavior) but hosting a sexual exploration class (http://dailycaller.com/2011/03/03/class-sex-toy-demonstration-causes-controversy/) on a college campus is perfectly acceptable.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if..

Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State's" dime (http://satireworld.com/us-news-headlines/201112031322/woman-with-15-illigitimate-children-says-taxpayers-need-to-be-responsible-and-need-to-help-with-their-support/)while never being held responsible for their own choices.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if..

The rights of the State come before the rights of the individual.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their children.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying iphones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage (with your tax dollars).
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Your government can add anything they want to your kid's water (fluoride, chlorine, etc.) but you are not allowed to give them raw milk.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

You have to have your parents signature to go on a field trip but not to get an abortion.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

You can get arrested for expired tags (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/mike-debonis/post/thousands-arrested-for-expired-car-registrations-in-dc-since-2009/2011/10/20/gIQAVzji0L_blog.html) on your car but not for being in the country illegally.
You know you live in Upside-down Land if...

Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art".
Unfortunately, this list could go on and on. Our world has been turned upside-down. We are in distress.

04-12-12, 09:44 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/581069_308408222565652_127583850648091_759029_5738 48321_n.jpg

04-13-12, 01:34 AM
<center>Don't say this to a cop</center> The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?



04-13-12, 01:35 AM
<center>Don't say this to a cop

</center> The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?



Gary Miner
04-13-12, 11:19 AM
This is supposed to be "chuckles", this is "sad but true"!

04-13-12, 11:42 AM
A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.

Ed Palmer
04-13-12, 01:15 PM

They say that during sex you burn off as many
calories as you do when running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Ed Palmer
04-13-12, 01:17 PM

04-13-12, 09:12 PM
For those that don't know about history, here is the condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers inHollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives,athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to

angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolutetruth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self...I'm going to have another beer.

04-13-12, 10:59 PM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The state takes both and shoots you.

You have 2 cows.
The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you
with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have 2 cows but owe Santander for 6.
Nobody drinks milk.
You have a siesta and read about the collapse of the Euro

You lease 2 cows and pay somebody 3 times the going rate to milk them using
borrowed money.
You refinance the 4 cows to secure the services of Goldman Sachs. They sell
the future milk production of the 60 cows and fund your lifestyle.
You retire to anywhere that doesn't use the Euro.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the cr_ap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

You don't have any cows.
But you claim sovereignty over the ones belonging to your neighbour

David R 1968
04-15-12, 07:56 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the sheets

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around;
she examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and pulls off his oxygen mask... With an unusually contented smile,
He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen to me very, very carefully."


David R 1968
04-15-12, 01:22 PM
<tbody style="width: 819px; ">

<tbody style="width: 815px; ">

From the American Association

Of Retired People

<tbody style="width: 572px; ">

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ....."

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!




<tbody style="width: 831px; ">


David R 1968
04-15-12, 01:34 PM
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a ***** that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the *****"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied

David R 1968
04-16-12, 08:05 AM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends..

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Ed Palmer
04-16-12, 08:34 AM
Craig List



Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the USvia Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.

I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.

04-16-12, 11:31 AM
Craig List



Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the USvia Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.

I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.

Damn. I used SearchTempest to try and locate this post, but there were too damn many other Manure Spreaders out there. Must be Democrats. :)

I found a partial list of Sources:

04-16-12, 09:49 PM
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

04-16-12, 10:07 PM
Rodeo sex - when you're doing your girl doggie style and whisper in her ear "your sister likes it this way too". Then you have to try to stay on for 8 seconds while she is bucking/kicking to get out!

Ed Palmer
04-17-12, 07:29 AM
The Mexican Army tests their really short range missile

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vNeKMUlnyh4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Gary Miner
04-17-12, 07:47 AM
Yea, but if you're good at rodeo sex, you work for style points too!

04-17-12, 08:17 PM
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children.

The other one you take your groceries home in.

Ed Palmer
04-18-12, 08:26 AM
I think this is about Marine 84. Not realy sure though.

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...

04-18-12, 12:34 PM
That is so funny and true too.LOL

04-18-12, 06:03 PM
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

04-19-12, 08:43 AM
alright i always like this post ,iam not on LN much no service where i stay at , so iam not up to date with the latest ,read a little bid of the posts , god bless all you guys , best of luck, see you next week, Bob

04-19-12, 12:09 PM
Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

04-19-12, 03:08 PM
Here is a little reminder on how important it is to type that e-mail address correctly.

A Wisconsin businessman traveled to Louisiana on a business trip. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port, and sent a short e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her e-mail address:JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to: JeanJohn@world.net.

Jean Johnson in Duluth was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away, and who had been buried that morning. The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”

David R 1968
04-21-12, 06:42 AM
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles
and will make delivery that much easier.

???Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room,
slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

04-21-12, 10:21 PM
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.



David R 1968
04-23-12, 02:06 PM
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull S**t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Ed Palmer
04-23-12, 04:51 PM
Man Dies After Peeing On ‘L’ Tracks In Evanston


The man, Zachary McKee, 27, of Ossian, Ind., was pronounced dead at Saint Francis Hospital in Evanston at 11:52 p.m., according to the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office.

It turned out that the man had climbed down to the tracks to urinate when he fell onto the third rail, according to a news release from the Evanston Police Department.

Authorities have not said whether the man urinated on the third rail.

One of the two people the man was with ran down stairs to the booth at the entrance at the station and alerted the security guard on duty to the situation, Lukidis said. The security guard then called Evanston Police and Fire officials.

The London Daily Mail reported that McKee had served four years with the U.S. Marines, in the Anbar province in Iraq and in Iwakuni, Japan. He served in the Marines for four years, until 2010, the Daily Mail reported.

At the time of his death, McKee was working toward his undergraduate degree in political science and government at Indiana University-Purdue University Fort Wayne, the Daily Mail reported.

McKee’s Twitter page indicated that he was in Chicago for the weekend, and that he had attended a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and visited restaurants in Chinatown. He also tweeted that he stayed in a “jank ass” hotel in Chinatown.

Before his death, McKee tweeted, “There’s no stopping us right now.”

Contrary to legends and lore, the program “Mythbusters” has concluded that urinating directly onto the third rail is unlikely to cause death in itself. In fact, some purported cases of such deaths are actually believed to have involved direct bodily contact with the rail, as appears to be the case in the Sunday night incident.

The Straight Dope reported a couple of years ago that there have been two other local cases of people coming into contact with the third rail after urinating on the ‘L’ tracks.

In 1991, a 14-year-old boy was killed after urinating on the Red Line ‘L’ tracks at the Morse Avenue stop in Rogers Park. While some reports say the cause was urination on the third rail, the Straight Dope concludes that he likely suffered electrocution from direct contact.

In 1977, a man named Sang Yeul Lee trespassed onto the ground-level Brown Line tracks at Kedzie Avenue to urinate. Based on autopsy findings, the Straight Dope says he too likely died by coming into direct contact with the electrified rail.


04-23-12, 08:33 PM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.**

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

When all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

David R 1968
04-24-12, 06:31 AM
New Boss...

If you've ever worked for a boss who
reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will
love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was
time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO
noticed a women leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business
. He asked the gal "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young lady looked
at him and said, "I make about $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He
walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the little lady $1,600 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now get the hell out and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the
CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball girl did here?"

From across the room a little voice said,
"Pizza delivery lady from Domino's.

04-24-12, 08:52 AM

1. Put lid and seat of the toilet up, and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid.)

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

The Dog

04-24-12, 08:54 AM
Note: This is a very old joke, but maybe some of you have never heard it...


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boyfriend goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

Captain Kirk
04-24-12, 10:31 AM
HAHA! I wonder if they have filled that position! LOL

04-24-12, 11:07 AM

A man is a butcher
He is 6 foot, 9 inches tall
He wears a Size 10 shoe
What does he weigh?

04-24-12, 12:01 PM

A man is a butcher
He is 6 foot, 9 inches tall
He wears a Size 10 shoe
What does he weigh?

If he is a butcher...he weighs meat?

Ed Palmer
04-24-12, 12:32 PM
9 Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

04-24-12, 02:49 PM
If he is a butcher...he weighs meat?

You got it!

1 You either heard it before; or
2 You are about 1 in 50 who actually got it!

Ed Palmer
04-24-12, 02:55 PM

04-24-12, 04:04 PM
You got it!

1 You either heard it before; or
2 You are about 1 in 50 who actually got it!

haha i just really like riddles. Took me a while, but I finally figured it out....lol

Ed Palmer
04-25-12, 05:22 AM
An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's
Vineyard. She slipped and fell.
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly.

She thanked him and he answered - "It was a pleasure to help you.

Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me
in the next election? “

The elderly woman laughed and replied:
''You know ... I fell on my ass ... not on my head!"

04-25-12, 08:10 AM
A MARINE was attending some college courses after completing missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of his professors was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." With only a couple of minutes to go the MARINE walked up to the professor and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The MARINE went back to his seat and sat there silently. The other students were stunned looking on in silence. When the professor eventually came to he was noticeably shaken. He looked at the MARINE and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The MARINE calmly replied, "God heard you but He was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an *******. So He sent me."

David R 1968
04-25-12, 08:23 AM
During my yearly physical, the doctor asked me about my daily activity level.

I described one of my typical days this way:

Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers,

escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,

marched up and down several rocky hills,

stood in a patch of poison ivy,

crawled out of quicksand,

jumped away from an aggressive copperhead

and took four "leaks"


behind big trees.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"

'No,' I replied, I'm, just a sh*tty golfer.

Ed Palmer
04-25-12, 01:05 PM
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, " That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

" This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

04-25-12, 09:48 PM
How do you know a woman is going to say something intelligent?

She starts it with, "A man once told me..."

- Just passing this along, folks. Don't shoot the messenger!

04-25-12, 09:50 PM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

David R 1968
04-26-12, 06:08 AM

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,

because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally

complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's a s s and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

04-26-12, 08:07 AM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

David R 1968
04-26-12, 02:28 PM
<tbody style="width: 553px; ">
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


04-27-12, 08:28 AM
Sex after Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:


"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit!"

04-27-12, 08:30 AM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

David R 1968
04-27-12, 09:22 AM
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I head for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT' ... he didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.'

It then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!

04-27-12, 08:34 PM
Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

04-28-12, 08:43 AM
Life is simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard.

04-30-12, 12:25 PM
The traffic wardens funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screamed, "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, the paper works already done."

(I think it's a British joke)

04-30-12, 04:10 PM

I should have become a Doctor like Mom wanted but nooo I knew best

04-30-12, 04:37 PM
I should have become a Doctor like Mom wanted but nooo I knew best

Man, seeing that here made me double check this post:

04-30-12, 08:40 PM

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin...'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you soldhim a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'

The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

Ed Palmer
05-01-12, 03:21 PM

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'


As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'


Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now.. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'


Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank


On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'


Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'


Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'


... and my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Ed Palmer
05-01-12, 03:24 PM
If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, seek
medical attention, or, click on the link below:


David R 1968
05-01-12, 04:19 PM
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some

pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?

"The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

05-01-12, 08:56 PM

Gary Miner
05-02-12, 09:00 AM
In Seattle, Washington, they have had to pass a law that bans vicious Chihuahuas. It turns out, surprising as it seems, they were killing all the Rotweilers!
it's coming!
The Rotweilers were choking to death!

Gary Miner
05-02-12, 11:55 AM
This supposedly is a true story:

At an embassy party in London, Winston Churchill was lambasted by an older woman. She said: "Mr Churchill, you are drunk, you should be ashamed for being in this condition"

His reply, slurred that is was: " Madam, I indeed am a little drunk, you though are quite ugly. The difference is, in the morning, I shall be sober!"

Ed Palmer
05-02-12, 01:21 PM
So you think you're having a bad day.......

Then you step outside of your house.........

And look up into the beautiful blue sky....

And see this!!!!!


All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your

face And things don't seem quite so bad!!
Now that's a 'big axs balloon!!

Ed Palmer
05-02-12, 01:24 PM
This is such a sad story.

We grow up with such great hopes and dreams.
We face life every day.

That includes you and me.

We try to look at everyone right in the eye.

That's why this is such a sad story!


05-02-12, 05:26 PM
Today I had to run to Whole Foods.

As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a parking space in the handicap area. The driver looked puzzled.

”I’m not handicapped,” she said.

Boy, was my face red. ”Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama sticker and just presumed.”

She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.

Shesh. Obama supporters!

David R 1968
05-03-12, 08:49 AM
Sometimes it pays to get lost on the course!

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up
ahead of him and went to her and said,

"Can you please help me, I don't know
what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He Thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady

and went to her again kind of embarrassed.

"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please
tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.

He went up to her and asked if
he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were
drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.
He replied, "No kidding; so am I."

"What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but
after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she
would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You
promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes),
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one
Hole behind you."

Rob Parry
05-03-12, 10:02 AM
It is alleged that he made the remark to Lady Nancy Astor, a prime pain in the rectal area.

This supposedly is a true story:

At an embassy party in London, Winston Churchill was lambasted by an older woman. She said: "Mr Churchill, you are drunk, you should be ashamed for being in this condition"

His reply, slurred that is was: " Madam, I indeed am a little drunk, you though are quite ugly. The difference is, in the morning, I shall be sober!"

Ed Palmer
05-03-12, 12:51 PM
Old Guy Picking Up Young Ladies

Love the Car!!! Turn Up The Sound and Listen To The Classic Song .. "Only You"

Old man with gold chains and a convertible tries to pick up some young girls waiting on a park bench... until he gets busted by his wife. A presentation of the Just For Laughs Gags. The funny hidden camera pranks show for the whole family. Juste pour rire les gags, l'émission

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ItXKGyO6cRA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Ed Palmer
05-04-12, 07:03 AM
http://www.thelookingspoon.com/tlsimages/blog/2012/the_problem_with_political_jokes_is_they_get_elect ed.jpg


Ed Palmer
05-06-12, 08:51 AM
Barack Obama at the Pearly Gates~


Barack Obama at the Pearly Gates~

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds...

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again,
'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man!

Barack Hussein Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted, 'Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'

As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:

'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'


05-06-12, 02:57 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s320x320/535964_445279038834888_205344452828349_100667808_1 741175949_n.jpg

Ed Palmer
05-07-12, 07:37 AM
Sears Catalog

Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order

one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday .

Ed Palmer
05-07-12, 07:39 AM
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he
tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Ed Palmer
05-07-12, 07:44 AM

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible-

But pisxing everyone off, is a piece of cake.

David R 1968
05-07-12, 11:10 AM
The Check UpAn couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the man
"You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty.
And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?" "Oh that old goat!" She replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

David R 1968
05-07-12, 11:11 AM
The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800--the Secret Service Agent offered $30 How ironic--the only government employee actually trying to cut spending gets fired!

05-07-12, 11:15 AM

05-07-12, 11:31 AM
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he
tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

I have hard this joke before, George Johnson was always a Retired Marine. ;)

Ed Palmer
05-07-12, 12:00 PM
This is a story of four older ladies who lived in Italy. They always sat outside together near the church And chatted about when they were younger.


One month ago they pooled their money together And bought a laptop.

Never having been, but having heard all about Florida. They just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.

They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.

They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.

The rest of this story will make you a believer, because No.......This is TRUE! Really!

Here they are today...................


Would We lie to you?

We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just

$1,499.95 a bottle.



Make checks payable to:

"Democratic National Committee To Re-Elect Obama"

(You can trust us; we would NEVER lie to you!)[/

05-07-12, 02:30 PM

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump
and I'm not too enthusiastic about that much physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely,
love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another...

I live in my own world!!!....but that's okay - they all know me here!!!
I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

David R 1968
05-07-12, 03:01 PM
Did you hear what the gay sperm said to his buddy?

"How do they expect us to find the egg in all of this crap?"

Ed Palmer
05-07-12, 03:12 PM
Here's a two-minute reminder that treadmills are evil

Have you ever wondered why treadmills have that clip-on emergency stop cord? Here are twenty-nine human reasons (plus canine and feline ones), along with a reminder that treadmills are evil machines that have been designed to destroy mankind. Thanks to the WorldWide Interweb, we now have "The Ultimate Treadmill Fails Compilation," almost two consecutive minutes of people flying off treadmills into walls, cabinets and more walls (Pro Tip: Don't put your treadmill directly in front of the wall). This doesn't make us more likely to step onto one of Hell's Exercisers later today, but it will ensure that we always have a camera when we're in the cardio room.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/0ivX8kjlCfc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

05-08-12, 12:50 AM

05-08-12, 10:01 AM
funny movie trailer spoof, laughed my but off,,(of course it grew back)


05-08-12, 12:00 PM
Bagpiper at a funeral

I found this anonymous article deeply moving. I hope you do, too.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.

David R 1968
05-08-12, 05:59 PM
The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight a s s hole with no hair."

Woman replies, "why yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?" <img style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; ">

05-08-12, 06:20 PM
funny movie trailer spoof, laughed my but off,,(of course it grew back)


Try this

<iframe src="http://d.yimg.com/nl/vyc/site/player.html#shareUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fscreen.yahoo.com %2Fchutes-and-ladders-29209998.html&vid=29209998&browseCarouselUI=hide&repeat=0&startScreenCarouselUI=hide" frameborder="0" height="324" width="576"></iframe>

Ed Palmer
05-09-12, 05:35 AM
Guess the Nationality?

Please follow this through to the end.

It is very clever.

Guess the Nationality?








All wrong.......... POLISH!

Don't believe it?

Okay, take a look...



So, what were you thinking?

Wrong again

Remember - Keep Smiling! It makes

people wonder what you're up to!

05-09-12, 03:13 PM
One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for job placement was:

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human
body that is more useful when erect!"

Those who spelled spine became doctors, the rest of us went to the police academy.

Ed Palmer
05-09-12, 03:28 PM
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

David R 1968
05-09-12, 03:54 PM
<tbody style="width: 699px; ">

<tbody style="width: 650px; ">

<tbody style="width: 593px; ">

Made in China

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”




05-09-12, 08:38 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

Ed Palmer
05-10-12, 07:04 AM

Obama: Troops Are Fighting On My Behalf
Red State ^ | 5/9/2012 | Staff

Posted on Thursday, May 10, 2012 6:43:35 AM by IbJensen

When Barack Obama made his unsurprising announcement today that he has finally evolved far enough to endorse homosexual marriage, ironically an evolutionary dead end, he made two other interesting statements.

First, he attributes his evolution to his Christian faith. This is sort of odd, speaking as a Trinitarian Christian, because it puts Christ in the position of disavowing himself. This is not surprising. Anyone who learned Christian theology from Jeremiah Wright is bound to have imbibed a substantial number of heresies.

The most surprising statement was this:

[W]hen I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf…

Really. Our troops are fighting on his behalf? I had always imagined they were fighting on behalf of the nation.

Ed Palmer
05-10-12, 07:06 AM
Screw up

Gary Miner
05-10-12, 07:58 AM
Ed, every individual of this country can use the terms, "they are fighting on my behalf", perfectly legit!

David R 1968
05-10-12, 04:04 PM
In Poland the town cow stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being poor, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Ed Palmer
05-11-12, 08:38 AM
*Distinction between Guts and Balls*

*To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: *

*there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know *

the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

**GUTS** **- is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys,

being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask,

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

**BALLS** **- is coming home late after a night out with the guys,

smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and

slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,

You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

*Both result in death.*

Ed Palmer
05-11-12, 09:39 AM
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: “Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”.

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”. Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.

In Texas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.

In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy”.

In Idaho , he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.

In Wyoming , he’d be called “an eligible bachelor”.

In Wisconsin , he’d be called “a deer hunting buddy”.

And, in Alabama , we just call him “Bubba”.

Gary Miner
05-11-12, 09:44 AM
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a

unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it

on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips

to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them,and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that

something had to be done... She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There

are teachers...and then, there are Educators .

Ed Palmer
05-11-12, 01:08 PM
Love, Lust & Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love".
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say "I love you".
LUST - When you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is silent.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE - When you never listen to music.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - When you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - When you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

Ed Palmer
05-11-12, 01:11 PM
Dear Mom

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "MOM". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, she's pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy together. Even though I know you won't care for her because she is much older than me, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids so barbara can get better; She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom; I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,

P. S. Mom, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call me when it's safe for me to come home.

Ed Palmer
05-11-12, 05:33 PM
DOJ’s ‘Proof’ of Sheriff Joe’s ‘Racial Discrimination’ is Photo of a Chihuahua? Seriously?

If you needed a symbol of the utterly preposterous lawsuit against Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his Maricopa County Sheriffs Department (MCSO), this may well be it.

On page 2 of the 32-page complaint, filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Phoenix, the Department of Justice references "insensitive" emails sent by MCSO employees. The prima fascie evidence? Read for yourself...

MCSO supervisors involved in immigration enforcement have expressed anti-Latino bias, in one instance widely distributing an email that included a photograph of a Chihuahua dog dressed in swimming gear with the caption “A Rare Photo of a Mexican Navy Seal.”
In case you missed this shocking, vicious, racist, "anti-Latino" photograph when it made the rounds on the interwebs years ago, here it is...


David R 1968
05-12-12, 06:33 AM
<tbody style="width: 615px; ">

<tbody style="width: 591px; ">

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny...

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your momwas a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."



<tbody style="width: 615px; ">


05-12-12, 08:52 AM
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a web page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his portable device that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through a spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals, and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

Ed Palmer
05-13-12, 06:11 AM
I have a dream!


David R 1968
05-13-12, 05:30 PM
<tbody style="width: 592px; ">

<tbody style="width: 588px; ">

Barack and Michelle Obama are at the O's game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them,
one of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.

Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and
shakes his head "no" violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from
the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and
throws her right over the wall into the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild,
cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says,
"You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"


<tbody style="width: 588px; ">



05-15-12, 08:44 AM
Stop if you've heard this one....

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, dummy.

05-15-12, 08:44 AM
Buttercups & Golf Balls

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the Pssy Willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

05-15-12, 08:45 AM
<iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_bVPhMjvldA?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Gary Miner
05-15-12, 09:04 AM
Another version, is A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Methodist Minister all go fishing out in the lake. They have a nice little row boat and have been fishing for over 3 hours. The Catholic priest says " I have to take a pee", he steps out of the boat, non-chalantly, and calmly walks to the shore, takes a pee, and walks back to the boat, climbs in and quietly resumes fishing. 15 minutes later, The Methodist Minister says "I have to take a pee" he steps out of the boat, non-chalantly, and calmly walks to the shore, takes a pee, and walks back to the boat, climbs in and quietly resumes fishing. 15 minutes later the Rabbi, not wanting to be out done, says "I have to take a pee", steps out of the boat, and almost drowns, they pull him in and he sets there for a couple of minutes, catching his breath. Then says " I have to pee", steps out of the boat into 50 feet of water and almost drowns, as they pull the Rabbi back into the boat, The minister says to the priest "You think we should tell him where the rocks are?"

05-15-12, 01:16 PM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have vagina?"

"Yes," she says.

The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?"

05-15-12, 01:21 PM
good one, JP!

Ed Palmer
05-15-12, 01:48 PM

David R 1968
05-15-12, 06:23 PM
oops thats not going to work.

David R 1968
05-15-12, 06:26 PM
<tbody style="width: 503px; ">

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<tbody style="width: 456px; ">

<tbody style="width: 456px; ">

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.






05-15-12, 09:53 PM
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that guy, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

05-15-12, 09:54 PM
A man goes into Waterstone's bookshop and asks the young lady assistant.

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

05-16-12, 02:08 PM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a man from Texas who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

David R 1968
05-17-12, 07:36 AM
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
the two had to move out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit..

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .......

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!


05-17-12, 06:45 PM
Doctor's Visit

I went to that same urologist.

She told me I need to quit masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said because she was trying to examine me.

05-17-12, 06:46 PM
Deaf Folk

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes: ‘Honey, why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.’

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife – if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

05-17-12, 06:46 PM
The Cat

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She’d better not **** in the vegetable garden again!’

The silence in the cab was deafening.

05-18-12, 05:51 AM
A Fighting Texas A&M Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Ed Palmer
05-18-12, 03:19 PM
Now don't blink, did you see that?

Wow, just look at this! A whole case of beer!!!
Wait till the image loads completely...


I think that I had a girl friend like that, I always had to carry a two by four on dates with her.

That was to prevent me from falling in.

05-19-12, 02:23 PM
i love to laugh, when i can.:thumbup::beer:

Ed Palmer
05-19-12, 05:53 PM
ABSOLUTELY The Best Dog Joke EVER ! ! !

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"

"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town,

claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two azzholes!"

David R 1968
05-20-12, 05:41 AM
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"Even after the New Orleans Saints' Super Bowl victory, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Loozianna Cajuns ain't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius."




The cable guy

David R 1968
05-21-12, 06:23 AM

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade...'

Ed Palmer
05-21-12, 06:45 AM
http://www.aaanything.net/wp-content/gallery/fail-signs/thumbs/thumbs_no_choking_the_chicken_no_monkey_slapping_n o_hammering_meat.jpg

Ed Palmer
05-21-12, 12:50 PM
Time will tell........


Time will tell........

Sparkie asked Old Marine..."Do you remember that stuff they

used to put in our tea during the war, to make us forget about women?"

"I think you mean salt-peter!"

"Yeap, that's the stuff.... I think it's beginning to work!!

Ed Palmer
05-22-12, 05:19 AM
A dog lover, whose dog was a ***** and 'in heat' agreed to look after
her neighbour's male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart,
but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling

sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,

in obvious distress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen

when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next.

Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a

very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised. "Hang up the

phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back

and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and

be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.
"It just worked for me" He replied.

05-22-12, 12:56 PM
Craigslist posting I just came across:

Kids found it better to throw the bikes in the yard rather than use this!


Ed Palmer
05-23-12, 05:34 AM
same sex marriage


Ed Palmer
05-24-12, 05:24 AM
Senior Moments ..... Brain Farts.............

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

05-24-12, 08:32 AM
I hope this embed works. (If not, I'll edit and just post the link)

One of the best videos I've got to watch online in a long time, and it brings a happy chuckle to your heart. A must see for any Veteran.

<embed id=VideoPlayback src=http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docid=-2487638612433437293&hl=en&fs=true style=width:400px;height:326px allowFullScreen=true allowScriptAccess=always type=application/x-shockwave-flash> </embed>

Ed Palmer
05-24-12, 02:53 PM
Dont ask dont tell

The End Of Civilization

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/JIgIWL-qElM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

05-24-12, 03:20 PM
http://i.imgur.com/V0KwP.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/V0KwP.jpg)

Ed Palmer
05-25-12, 01:42 PM
Career Placement Test

One of the questions from the career placement test given to applicants for job placement was:

"Rearrange the letters ( P N E S I ) to spell out an important part of human
body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.the rest of us work in the oilfield.

05-25-12, 09:38 PM
what I wanted for my Birthday but didn't get
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/300938_144369885663127_102924236474359_139971_1474 998542_n.jpg

David R 1968
05-26-12, 05:43 AM
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, ‘I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican’
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:" U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”

... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days ...

Gary Miner
05-26-12, 11:18 AM
Amish Elevator Joke.....Priceless !


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'


05-26-12, 10:48 PM
Pic jokes....



http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/582188_398511203534613_132900613429008_1295169_322 87412_n.jpg

05-26-12, 10:49 PM
5 limit buster:

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/394297_404410169611383_132900613429008_1312390_249 264430_n.jpg


05-27-12, 02:05 PM

"A malfunctioning part could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 Operating base, Kadena, Japan

"You've never been really lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor

For our Air Force friends:

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"In an emergency, flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (Renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power with afterburners to taxi to the terminal."

05-27-12, 02:07 PM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

05-28-12, 06:10 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s320x320/543377_221529541298257_113177982133414_372336_1878 108882_n.jpg

David R 1968
05-29-12, 07:53 AM
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!",
he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning,
he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

05-29-12, 08:02 AM
A young Southampton woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

05-29-12, 02:18 PM

05-29-12, 03:25 PM
Last night I was talking to an absolutely gorgeous girl.

She asked me which I preferred, legs or breasts.

Well, I don't even have to think about that one, I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

I guess I'm no longer allowed at KFC anymore.

05-29-12, 03:39 PM
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (Renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

Great post JP2, as I was reading these I was reminded of a story a fellow worker told me. He was training to be a small plane pilot and his instructor was teaching him about emergency landings.

The instructor told him if the engine cut out, to find a place to land such as a road or level field.

He asked the instructor, 'what do you do at night when you can't see'?

The instructor told him 'turn on your landing lights and that may help you find a place to land'.

He pressed on, 'what if it's night, you turn on your landing lights and still can't find anything'?

The instructor said 'then turn the lights off'.

05-29-12, 03:45 PM
Man is he going to be in trouble you are not allowed to put anything in the pockets LOL


05-29-12, 03:47 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/298457_295919603753408_240352015976834_1297824_972 818990_n.jpg

05-29-12, 03:49 PM

05-29-12, 03:50 PM

05-30-12, 12:42 PM

I'd say he had a rather good day. :iwo:

05-30-12, 08:10 PM

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic signal. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

Doc replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That's a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped.”

Just then the traffic signal changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ... something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

Doc stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I'm a doctor ... is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”

Rob Parry
05-31-12, 06:26 AM
Three young New York Primary pupils with a reputation as being likeable rogues decided that they needed to improve their street cred. After much debate they decided that they needed to have cool nicknames:

Ryan became Rydo
Alan became Aldo
Dylan became ................

Poor wee soul had no idea!!

David R 1968
05-31-12, 12:58 PM
Happy and Sad

A couple were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions."

The guy turned to his girlfriend and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Ed Palmer
05-31-12, 04:09 PM
Nooner -

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer
left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back
from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the family
doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "Just take your rifle out to the field
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't
lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came
back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd
find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

David R 1968
06-01-12, 07:22 AM
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his

favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond


Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment

and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her


After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She

paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again,

after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly

says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido

reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together

screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping...

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and

asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I'm Norwegian."

Ed Palmer
06-01-12, 09:42 AM
New Birth Control Poster

If this doesn't get people to use condoms, I don't know what else will...


Ed Palmer
06-01-12, 09:44 AM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with an old, well-read copy
of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......


Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an
hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this
morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em
in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.


Ed Palmer
06-01-12, 09:50 AM
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world . . . then He made the earth round.

Ed Palmer
06-02-12, 05:28 AM
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

(You're going to love this.............You're going to hate yourself for loving this!...............)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

06-02-12, 02:04 PM
Keep them coming.

David R 1968
06-03-12, 08:33 AM
I Just Realized Something.........

It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year,
if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he
needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!

06-03-12, 10:20 AM
New Birth Control Poster

If this doesn't get people to use condoms, I don't know what else will...


Too bad abortion wasn't legal back in 1961, it could have done a big favor for the country.

David R 1968
06-04-12, 05:38 AM
Subject: Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex
God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

06-04-12, 04:31 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s320x320/553506_308304365925167_160411127381159_721335_2124 162133_n.jpg

06-04-12, 09:11 PM
I don't know if the new site is crazy slow or if something else is causing the problems.


(A) I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

(B) The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Sarah.

(C) Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

(D) My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

(E) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

(F) A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man replies, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

(G) I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

(H) My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

(I) The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

David R 1968
06-06-12, 05:00 AM
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!

06-06-12, 09:13 AM
I love the jokes you all s/f

Ed Palmer
06-06-12, 01:51 PM
When my wife's little sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36."Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?" Rory got to spend the night.

06-07-12, 01:17 PM
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six year old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grand-son asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Shove it up your backside, you grouchy old woman!”

06-07-12, 01:20 PM
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50′s.

“May I help you?” she asked.

"I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No. I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was
still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “Boston.”

“Really” she said. “I have family in Boston.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes, and

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Ed Palmer
06-08-12, 03:31 PM
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog

was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.

Ed Palmer
06-08-12, 03:50 PM


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,

one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Ed Palmer
06-08-12, 04:10 PM
A farmer gets on a bus to go to town to sell his donkey, rooster and hen. Halfway there, the donkey jumps out the window and the farmer panics and asks the lady sitting next to him: "Ma'am, will you hold my cock and pullet, while I go after my ass?"

Ed Palmer
06-08-12, 04:11 PM

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kind.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

06-08-12, 08:55 PM

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.

06-08-12, 08:58 PM

Ed Palmer
06-09-12, 05:43 AM
Real Estate Sign22142

06-11-12, 04:05 AM
That is a very good sign....

06-11-12, 06:04 AM

McT ontheRock71
06-11-12, 10:03 AM
I passed this picture on to our County Farm preservation man. He got a real hoot out of it. He passed it on to the State.

06-11-12, 10:39 AM

06-11-12, 07:49 PM

06-11-12, 08:56 PM
Daddy is a gay dancer
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman... and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes,
if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay
with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin
aside."Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to
say that in front of the other kids."

06-11-12, 09:18 PM

06-11-12, 09:35 PM

06-12-12, 04:23 PM

06-12-12, 04:27 PM

Ed Palmer
06-13-12, 05:16 AM
My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

06-13-12, 08:52 AM

06-13-12, 10:33 AM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

06-13-12, 10:35 AM
that is hilarious,, ROFL

06-13-12, 06:26 PM
Amazing simple home remedies: These really work!!

1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives – you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

David R 1968
06-13-12, 06:56 PM
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it is GREAT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least the ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

06-15-12, 08:28 AM
The Slap...

Sitting together on a train was Obama, a man from Texas, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later...there is a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. They look at each other but no one says a word!

The old lady thinks...Obama must have groped the blonde and she slapped him.

The blonde thinks... Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed, and fondled the old lady...and she slapped him.

Obama thinks...the man from Texas must have groped the blonde in the dark, she tried to slap him...missed and slapped me instead.

The man from Texas thinks.... I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap the idiot again!!!!!!!!!!!

Ed Palmer
06-16-12, 05:30 AM
I got home late last night and my wife left me a message in the kitchen.......



Ed Palmer
06-16-12, 02:52 PM
American made Manure spreader


Kenyan born Manure spreader


06-16-12, 08:25 PM

David R 1968
06-17-12, 04:44 AM
<tbody style="width: 492px; ">

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in
hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a
gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your arse is for.


Ed Palmer
06-17-12, 06:00 AM
Bud was hunting geese up in a Louisiana rice field. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Bud took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Lafayette hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Boudreaux...

"Well Bud, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the shot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Bud...

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Louisa ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Bud. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Dr. Boudreaux says. "She's a flute player in the Lafayette Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't pizs in your eye.

06-17-12, 09:50 AM

06-17-12, 09:51 AM

06-17-12, 09:52 AM

06-17-12, 10:13 AM
This could be a joke but its the truth, when i was running the streets smoken and coken and joken, wife told me if idid not stop she would throw my stuff on the front yard,came home about 4 in the morning,my buds roll up to my house my stuff was on the lawn my dirty underwear were hanging in the tree,that was 30yrs ago,i still married same Lady,and my friends still talk about it,

Ed Palmer
06-18-12, 06:12 PM



06-19-12, 10:48 AM

Ed Palmer
06-20-12, 05:26 AM
Why you shouldn't wear a Bluetooth earpiece

Good example of what not to do.

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Ed Palmer
06-20-12, 09:09 AM
Remember the couple who sneaked into the White House with no credentials?

WELL --- They're still there

06-20-12, 09:43 AM

David R 1968
06-20-12, 02:22 PM
"You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me?"

<tbody style="width: 577px; ">
Who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Sh*ttin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh*ttin me.'


06-20-12, 09:22 PM

06-20-12, 09:24 PM

David R 1968
06-21-12, 06:42 PM
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'" The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"
The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now." The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, "What is that for?"
The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

Ed Palmer
06-22-12, 05:16 AM
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were
booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would
see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them
onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short
cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy 3 Dramamines
and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a
five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the
same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was
elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more
Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not
trying to pry . . . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"