Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 75 - Marine Corps

David R 1968

01-26-12, 09:42 AM

The Knob

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead!!!!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've
always loved the results. But now I've developed
two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee.'!!!!!!!

Ed Palmer

01-26-12, 01:18 PM

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It’s like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

David R 1968

01-26-12, 02:44 PM

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Cam" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position.
He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen a**hole, don't bit*h at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

Ed Palmer

01-27-12, 09:18 AM

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and football players there.

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

jp2usmc

01-27-12, 12:06 PM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/429847_2248376027366_1787172012_1398271_1971810188 _n.jpg

awbrown1462

01-27-12, 12:36 PM

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/312534_186162301460746_100002009325187_386077_9834 08277_n.jpg

awbrown1462

01-27-12, 02:01 PM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/315998_184962561580720_100002009325187_382620_1590 17461_n.jpg

EGTSpec

01-27-12, 02:06 PM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/315998_184962561580720_100002009325187_382620_1590 17461_n.jpgWHOOSH!! Went right over my head.

jp2usmc

01-27-12, 02:25 PM

LOL - can you see the little Jack Russell tugging on his drop cloth?

ameriken

01-27-12, 10:40 PM

TODAY'S PRAYER:

http://i44.tinypic.com/20toshu.jpg

Ed Palmer

01-28-12, 09:50 AM

http://oi43.tinypic.com/xcu7gp.jpg

David R 1968

01-28-12, 03:53 PM

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off
his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite
blonde
walked by, and the man immediately got an erection!

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call
for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here.. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a
towel
eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered
the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man
lumbered out of the steam room toward him.. 'Did you call for me? ' asked
the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart,
it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't
had
a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a week, but I
fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

tripledog

01-30-12, 12:52 AM

Man goes into WalMart, ask to see the mgr.

Mgr comes out and the mans says "I'm skeeter, the physic and I'd make you a good door greeter"
Mgr is impressed and says, lets go see. They go the front of the store and the mgr tells the other greeter, take a break.
Skeeter takes his place and a Man comes in the door, Skeeter says, welcome to walmart , Im Skeeter the physic greeter, paint is on row 4, Mans why thank you and heads that way.
Another man enters and Skeeter says, Im Skeeter the wal mart physic greeter, nails are on row 7, the man says thank you and heads that way.

An elderly lady enters the store kinda shuffling, and Skeeters says Im Skeeter the walmart physic greeter, Preperhation H is on row 9, and the lady says, but Im here for some Kotex!

Skeeter holds his hand up , showing about 1/2 inch between thumb and finger and declares,

Missed it by just that far.

Ed Palmer

01-30-12, 01:12 PM

http://i40.tinypic.com/2eav02p.jpg

http://www.motivationals.org/demotivational-posters/demotivational-poster-11284.jpg

Ed Palmer

01-30-12, 01:24 PM

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old guy is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling azz-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, they didn't get old by being stupid!

jp2usmc

01-31-12, 09:10 AM

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

All responded, except one man.

"Mr. Barnes, its good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" asked the Minister.

"98," he replied. The congregation was in awe.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, and faced the congregation.

"I outlived all them mother fukcers."

David R 1968

01-31-12, 09:25 AM

My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis
and asked what I was doing.

Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

Marinemom32

01-31-12, 09:26 AM

My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis
and asked what I was doing.

Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

LOL that's pretty funny

David R 1968

01-31-12, 09:32 AM

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

Ed Palmer

01-31-12, 10:13 AM

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

=

David R 1968

01-31-12, 12:38 PM

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

jp2usmc

01-31-12, 04:11 PM

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sound...s like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

David R 1968

02-01-12, 08:16 AM

An Illegal Alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.

The bartender asks:

"What can I get you, Mr. President?"

acg8276

02-01-12, 08:24 AM

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

David R 1968

02-01-12, 08:48 AM

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters strongly objected saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, "Any idea where we are?"

Stan replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year !!!"

awbrown1462

02-01-12, 09:01 AM

[/URL]

[URL="http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=286009614796486&set=a.241441375919977.61245.236278186436296&type=1&ref=nf"]http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/432135_286009614796486_236278186436296_808998_4193 82593_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/#)

jp2usmc

02-01-12, 09:27 AM

A guy at a bar had a beautiful woman was beside him.

He leaned over and said, "You remind me of my little toe."

She thought about it for a second and asked, "What… you mean I’m small and cute?"

"No," he replied. "I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I’m drunk."

jp2usmc

02-01-12, 09:29 AM

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich
And self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute
gymnast nymphomaniac

with big tits who owns a bar
on a motocross course,

and loves to send me fishing,
riding and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme
and I don't give a damn.

Ed Palmer

02-01-12, 02:22 PM

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/demotivational-posters-you-have-seconds.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/demotivational-posters-redheads.jpg

Ed Palmer

02-01-12, 02:25 PM

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/demotivational-posters-start-dressing-like-youre-an-adult-see.jpg

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/demotivational-posters.jpg

David R 1968

02-02-12, 10:20 AM

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

EGTSpec

02-02-12, 01:00 PM

Phantom Blooper

02-02-12, 02:45 PM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to
her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in
her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She
finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a
blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it.
That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a
snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the
snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not
having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the
snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and
signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted
to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long
time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice
to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if
she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was
going over to Sears next.

jp2usmc

02-02-12, 03:24 PM

The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for.

I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself.

As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: A new suit."

I entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

I laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt? You get a discount when buying a shirt with a suit."

I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

I was surprised, "That's right. That is amazing!"

"Been in the business 60 years."

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear? It is free with a new suit and shirt."

I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36.:

I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

David R 1968

02-02-12, 04:46 PM

Gynecological Visit

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me. "

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were dimes. This morning, there were quarters!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

"You're simply going through the change!"

David R 1968

02-03-12, 05:50 AM

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please...
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk..
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

jp2usmc

02-03-12, 08:25 AM

This guy walks into a bathroom and theres another guy with no arms standing at a ****er.

The one guy finishes ****ing and the armless guy says, "Hey can you help me out here? I've got no arms."

The other doesn't want to do it, but he does to be kind. He un-zips his pants for him and pulls it out.

As the no armed man is ****ing the other dude looks down at his dick and it's all green and infected looking.

After the guy is done ****ing the other dude puts it back in his pants for him and zips him up.

He says, "I don't mean to be nosey or anything but what's wrong with your dick?"

The armless guy pops his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."

Ed Palmer

02-03-12, 09:16 AM

Mexican Eggs

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. "I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

Ed Palmer

02-03-12, 11:54 AM

Marinemom32

02-03-12, 12:22 PM

First Lady Michelle Obama has her unwanted nose in the plates of American children. The British press has its nose in her lavish lingerie. Only satin and lace bloomers and such are good enough for Barry’s wife—$50,000 of it in just one shopping spree! It wouldn’t make much difference to loving parents that unschooled nutritionist Michelle gets to dictate what their little ones eat just because she wears satin bras from an overseas shop called ironically enough, Agent Provocateur.

Why the Queen's bloomers cost $50,000
http://crunkish.com/qimages/5/Baggy%20Underwear.jpg

haha And yeah my daughter complains all the time that Michelle Obabma needs to leave her alone about what she is having for lunch...I think they are forced to have a piece of fruit at lunch when at school...she loves fruit, but it just makes her so mad she is forcing it...she is like I just want my cookie.

awbrown1462

02-03-12, 05:43 PM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/418675_539495830631_176000433_30895918_1648784516_ n.jpg

David R 1968

02-03-12, 06:33 PM

I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.
Both her parents...liberal Democrats...were standing there so I asked her: "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

jp2usmc

02-03-12, 07:29 PM

The zoo keeper was concerned about his prize female gorilla who was upset about her lost mate. He had called every zoo in the world but none had a spare male they were willing to part with, so in the end he realised he would have to pay a male human $50 to satisfy the giant horny ape.

He went to the local bar where he knew Big Murphy would be drinking.

"Murphy, I have a major problem with our female gorilla. She's needing a good pounding and there's no male gorilla to satisfy her. How would you like to see to that for $50?"

Big Murphy slowly finishes his beer, puts his glass on the bar, and after a lot of thought and head scratching replies, "Alright. I'll do it. But there's 3 conditions."

"Brilliant," replies the keeper. "Whatever you say; we're desperate not to lose her."

"OK, the first condition is no foreplay. I don't mind doing the nasty, but I ain't doing none of that fancy stuff. No kissing and cuddling just in and out."

"No problem," says the keeper.

"And me second condition is that if there's any offspring from this unholy union I don't want me name on any birth certificate. I got enough problems with kids and wives. I don't want no-one to know anything about all this."

"Guaranteed," says the keeper. "You have my word on it. Total anonymity, and no chance ever of any DNA tests. Now what's your third and final condition?"

Murphy takes a deep breath, finishes his second beer, scratches his head and says, "Can you give me a couple of days to get $50?"

EGTSpec

02-03-12, 08:31 PM

jp2usmc

02-05-12, 07:17 AM

A West Virginia farm kid in the US Marines (now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training) ......

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first, because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

All men got to shave but, .. it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

jp2usmc

02-05-12, 11:01 AM

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come you get so much more than me, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

jp2usmc

02-05-12, 11:05 AM

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

jp2usmc

02-05-12, 11:08 AM

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict
upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs.

She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night, he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out.

As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

David R 1968

02-05-12, 12:45 PM

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her,
so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take
off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery,
reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to
me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy
bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your a s s."

acg8276

02-06-12, 11:12 AM

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I
was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested
in meeting up and rekindling a little of that ‘old magic
from the early seventies’.

Wow! I was stunned that she was still keen!

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said,
"I'm 60 now and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said, “My old soul mate, I’m sure
you will be able to rise to the challenge just like the old
days".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a
waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to
mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is
sagging, my teeth are all over the joint and I am
developing jowls like a Staffy!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that chubby, bald, older men
were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few
pounds myself!"

So I told her to get lost.

Ray Merrell

02-06-12, 11:28 AM

SOME GREAT THINGS ABOUT GETTING OLDER:

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
Your joints are more accurate than the Natinal Weather Service.
Kidnapers are not interested in you.
Things you buy new won't wear out.
There is no need to spend money for a psychic to see your future.
Finally, you get to eat dinner at 4:PM
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

David R 1968

02-06-12, 11:57 AM

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Ed Palmer

02-06-12, 02:32 PM

The Obamas are getting ready to leave the white house this is the first load heading west to Chicago.

http://www.boingboing.net/filesroot/afri-car.jpg

David R 1968

02-06-12, 04:46 PM

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

jp2usmc

02-06-12, 07:38 PM

Four old retired guys had a regular round of golf every Tuesday. On this Tuesday one of them was a no show. The club starter approached them and said, "Gentlemen, I have a single without a tee time, I'd like to put in your foursome. I have to tell you though, it's a woman", and he pointed to the first tee.

There stood a beautiful blonde, maybe 25 years old, with a stunning stripper's body. She was wearing tight shorts and a low cut blouse, she was a vision to behold ......well, they quickly agreed, laughing, throwing high fives and elbowing each other like grade schoolers.

http://www.strangegolf.com/images/content/128834.jpg

The foursome teed off and to the men's surprise the sexy woman really nailed the ball. The entire round the lady hit every green in regulation, putted like a pro, and as they approached the 18th green, to everyone's surprise, she was only three strokes off the club record.

She hit a crisp 7-iron into the final green but it took a bad bounce leaving her a 25 foot, triple breaking, uphill and downhill snake of a putt to a hole that was cut on the very face of a ridge.

She took her time, surveyed the green, checked the wind, and as she was lining up the putt she looked at the old guys and said, "You guys have been great to me today. If I make this putt I'm going to take you all back to my apartment and give you the most fantastic, the nastiest, the most unforgettable sex you've ever had in your life."

The old guys looked at each for a moment, then sadly looked at the impossible putt left on the green.

Finally, one of the men spoke up and said, "Lady, don't you know a "gimmie" when you see one?"

jp2usmc

02-06-12, 07:40 PM

An older man sees an older woman sitting on a bench in the park and, feeling lonely, sits down and strikes up a conversation.

They hit it off well, and after a while, the man says to the woman, "I know we're older, but it would make me feel young again if you would hold my penis in your hand for a while. No sex, just reminding ourselves of a younger, more carefree time."

The woman agrees, and they sit that way for a while. This becomes a regular weekly meeting for them until, after a while, the man stops showing up.

The woman was saddened, but figured that he might have fallen ill, or passed away.

Imagine her surprise when she sees him sitting on another bench with another older woman!

Temper rising over being slighted, she storms over to them and says, "Why have you left me for another! What does she have that I don't?"

The man looks her in the eye, and replies,"Parkinsons!"

Ed Palmer

02-07-12, 08:03 AM

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for
example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her
bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi
Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

jp2usmc

02-07-12, 08:22 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Answer: Bill
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Answer: Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
Answer: Skip
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Answer: Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the trunk of your car?
Answer: Jack
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Answer: Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a steel factory?
Answer: Rod
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?
Answer: Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a stage?
Answer: Mike
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bathroom?
Answer: John
What do you call a woman with nor arms and legs in the middle of cow pasture?
Answer: Patty

Ed Palmer

02-08-12, 05:24 AM

David R 1968

02-08-12, 09:46 AM

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the h e l l out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

awbrown1462

02-08-12, 10:34 AM

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/395777_183438435095457_137991122973522_249647_4325 54614_n.jpg

Ed Palmer

02-08-12, 10:49 AM

Late one night my car broke down as I was traveling in the south but it was near a motel so I decided to get a room, get a good nights sleep but my faucet in the bathroom was dripping. I called the front desk and told them, “Hey, I got a leak in my sink”. The clerk replied, “Hey we do that all the time, don’t worry about it”!

Ed Palmer

02-08-12, 10:50 AM

http://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/428030_344942962205128_251249921574433_1134484_750 791913_n.jpg

jp2usmc

02-08-12, 12:06 PM

If you get an e-mail entitled "Naked photo of Nancy Pelosi", be very careful!!!

Do NOT open it!!!

It is a naked photo of Nancy Pelosi.

David R 1968

02-08-12, 04:03 PM

$5.37

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change When the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

jp2usmc

02-08-12, 08:46 PM

Poor Scottish guy loses his job and is offered work on his long-lost uncle's sheep station in the Aussie outback. It's drier, hotter and dustier than he's ever imagined and at the end of his first day he's sheared 500 sheep and exhausted he goes to his uncle who gives him 20 dollars.

Uncle tells him there's a bar in town where he can get food and drink, so he sets off on the 10 mile walk into town.

Finding the bar in the one street town he goes in and immediately sinks 10 glasses of beer along with 5 plates of lamb curry. Suddenly he feels a massive movement in his bowels and asks the bar tender where the Gent's toilet is.

"It's out the back" says the barman, so out he goes into broad daylight looking for the John.

There in front of him is the biggest pile of crap he's ever seen, with a ladder running up the side to a platform with a toilet seat perched on the top. Desperate, he scrambles up the ladder, drops his pants, jumps on the seat, and lets go the biggest dump he's ever un-leashed.

Suddenly from over his shoulder he hears "G'day", turns around and sees a guy looking down at him, from a platform on top of an even bigger pile of crap.

"Stranger round here ain't ya?" asks the guy.

"That's correct" says the Scotsman, "How did you know?"

"You're in the Ladies...."

jp2usmc

02-08-12, 08:50 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Rooger

02-09-12, 09:16 AM

Having a laugh - Oregon State Troopers, Good, Better, Best :D

GOOD A Bend ,Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

David R 1968

02-09-12, 02:08 PM

"Mistress"

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when a stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well That's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce.
I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West,
or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage, and no more country club,
and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

jp2usmc

02-09-12, 02:18 PM

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise, it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

And now you know why Obama's unemployment figures are improving!

David R 1968

02-09-12, 02:22 PM

TALE OF TWO VASECTOMIES

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, " They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

DrZ

02-09-12, 02:25 PM

Angel food and Devil food cake.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

DrZ

02-09-12, 02:31 PM

Q. Your riding a horse at full speed, a giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you and a lion behind you! What do you do???

A. You get your drunk a$$ off of the carousel !!!

David R 1968

02-09-12, 04:44 PM

OLD Chinease proverb!!!!

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pi$$ed off than pi$$ed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ....
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

jp2usmc

02-09-12, 07:24 PM

Guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The officer said the offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”
__________________________________________________ __

Got this text from my brother recently. It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”; __________________________________________________ __
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have run – but you just don’t get offers like that every day.
__________________________________________________ __

Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __

My wife just came in and said, “I’m so frazzled…I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”;I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re cumin’, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”;
__________________________________________________ __

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I’d come into some money. Last night I banged a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ __

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys’ only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently, “;Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer

Wife says to her husband, “If you’d start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you’d take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”;

jp2usmc

02-09-12, 07:26 PM

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy ( clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask
me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?

If I asked for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

the clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't !"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, " Well
then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?

The clerk replied, Because you 're in Home Depot."

awbrown1462

02-09-12, 09:59 PM

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/427281_302097213170819_265322020181672_816190_2143 905612_n.jpg

silverdollar

02-10-12, 08:16 AM

http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/427281_302097213170819_265322020181672_816190_2143 905612_n.jpg

I don`t think that is you.

jp2usmc

02-10-12, 09:27 AM

http://i.imgur.com/AA4Rb.jpg

Ed Palmer

02-10-12, 12:03 PM

Dont you know that FROG PORN is not allowed here!!!!

http://i.imgur.com/AA4Rb.jpg

David R 1968

02-10-12, 12:34 PM

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, S nick ers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

Ed Palmer

02-10-12, 12:46 PM

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a
gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your
tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in
front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My
tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so
impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to
see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden
hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the
woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

David R 1968

02-10-12, 04:54 PM

: Building permit

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall, 400 ft. wide, have 9 gun turrets at various heights, windows all over the place, and a huge outside sound system. It would have parking for 400 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The City Council told me to forget it---IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

Soooo......

I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country, but the government scares hell out of me.

Gary Miner

02-11-12, 08:43 AM

Do you know how to eat frog?

Gary Miner

02-11-12, 08:44 AM

You put one leg over one ear, and the other leg over the other ear!

David R 1968

02-11-12, 11:39 AM

ON THE OIL CRISIS

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~

North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So

Marine1955

02-11-12, 12:41 PM

Best Line ever , Thanks ED.

<object width="640" height="480">

<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/4XtENXHdU7M?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="480"></object>

jp2usmc

02-11-12, 05:13 PM

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him hard and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven.
What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

David R 1968

02-11-12, 05:14 PM

Crisis runs in the family

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago .

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena .

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage . The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable Condition, and Louella has been charged with . . . ?
?
?

A Misdawiener!

jp2usmc

02-11-12, 05:16 PM

Men Do Listen: Milk and Eggs (a perfectly logical story to all males)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(Feel free to go back to read it again!)

jp2usmc

02-11-12, 05:18 PM

http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z107/nappyheadkev/vasectomy.jpg

Ed Palmer

02-12-12, 06:24 AM

Used Girlfriend Dealership

If it was only this easy!

<iframe src="http://www.funnyordie.com/embed/ff6806e133" width="640" height="400" frameborder="0"></iframe><div style="text-align:left;font-size:x-small;margin-top:0;width:640px;"><a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ff6806e133/new-used" title="from Josh Grisetti, HeySaum, and Richard Kind">New & Used</a> from <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/richard_kind">Richard Kind</a> <iframe src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?app_id=138711277798&href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww .funnyordie.com%2Fvideos%2Fff6806e133%2Fnew-used&send=false&layout=button_count&width=150&show _faces=false&action=like&height=21" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" style="border:none; overflow:hidden; width:90px; height:21px; vertical-align:middle;" allowTransparency="true"></iframe>

Ed Palmer

02-12-12, 08:02 AM

Top 2 Reasons to Cheat

http://i.blogads.com/461000015773/img.jpg?guid=cf89bc25d5f6777000e58fe34912a6b3

David R 1968

02-12-12, 12:37 PM

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. "HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. "HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. "HE paid for our house at the lake. "HE paid for our country club membership, and "HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his a s s with that blanket before he catches cold."

Ed Palmer

02-13-12, 12:28 PM

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "Thank God we can all still drive."

David R 1968

02-13-12, 05:18 PM

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, touched and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?' "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

jp2usmc

02-14-12, 04:08 PM

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

jp2usmc

02-14-12, 07:40 PM

One day a little Indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."

The chief said, "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said ok, and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says, "Me ready for women."

The Indian chief says, "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said, "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles."

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass.

"Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees," replied the boy.

David R 1968

02-15-12, 06:20 AM

Here are the Stellas for year -- 2011:
* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..
* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

jp2usmc

02-15-12, 08:36 AM

A female police officer arrests a fighter pilot for drunk driving. She tells the pilot, "Sir,
you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.."

The Fighter pilot says, "Tits."

David R 1968

02-15-12, 09:10 AM

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Ed Palmer

02-15-12, 02:03 PM

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:

See if you can discover what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.
This is clever....

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters......

http://us.mg204.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f9500%5fAGIIw0MAALFwTzvwLQzT2nGT8w 8&pid=2&fid=Trash&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Ed Palmer

02-16-12, 08:11 AM

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

David R 1968

02-16-12, 04:09 PM

George was out shopping at the mall when he met his friend Kevin outside the jewelers.

Kevin noticed that George had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

"So what've you just picked up, George?" Kevin asks.

"Well, now that you've been asking," replies George, "it's me and the missus' anniversary tomorrow. And when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said,

''Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds.''

"So what'd you get her?" Kevin asks.

George replied, smiling.......

"I bought her a deck of cards."

awbrown1462

02-16-12, 06:55 PM

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/427665_330419480332878_227970240577803_896334_2401 38569_n.jpg

jp2usmc

02-16-12, 07:46 PM

A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

jp2usmc

02-17-12, 09:03 AM

A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !" protests the Coloradan.

"Well yeah it is," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

David R 1968

02-17-12, 10:08 AM

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "Thank God we can all still drive."

Ed Palmer

02-17-12, 02:31 PM

Can you spot the real Jackass

http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/a9hKif_x5mEYvpwK42PvZQ--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9aW5zZXQ7aD02MTI7cT04NTt3PTQ4MQ--/http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/ap_webfeeds/2cb4d959bee26504070f6a706700678a.jpghttp://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn15/Huskrrrr/47422069_a2aa900556_b.jpg

SGT RED

02-17-12, 04:34 PM

A platoon of Army Rangers are walking along a trail. Suddenly, at the top of a ridge, a lone Marine appears.

"You Rangers are lazy, worthless excuses for soldiers, you're weak, your momma's are weak..." says the Marine to the Rangers. Furious, the platoon leader sends two of his biggest, baddest Rangers up the hill. They hit the Marine, and tumble down to far side of the ridge. Sound of a terrible fight follow, then silence, then the Marine reappears seemingly untouched. He continues his diatribe against the Rangers.

The Ranger lieutenant orders his first squad up the hill. The eleven Rangers charge up, hit the Marine and go over the ridge. Trees topple, dust clouds rise, and the sounds of battle thunder. After the sounds die away, the Marine reappears, slightly dusty but no worse for wear. He just grins.

"KILL HIM!" The frustrated LT shouts, and the entire remaining platoon, 25 men, charge up. The mass vanishes over the ridge, and the earth shakes with the sounds of the fight. finally, calm returns and a single, bloody, battered Ranger crawls back over the hill.

"Private? What the hell happened?" asks the LT.

"Oh, sir, it was a trap!" the private sobs. "There were two of them."

David R 1968

02-17-12, 05:14 PM

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

jp2usmc

02-18-12, 09:55 AM

Wife Found by Alaska Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkins exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad News first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my Gosh," exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

David R 1968

02-18-12, 12:34 PM

One rainy spring night in Dublin , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered." Vale Road ," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

jp2usmc

02-18-12, 02:16 PM

Come on, David! The story was just getting good. Don't stop now.

jp2usmc

02-18-12, 03:14 PM

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

David R 1968

02-18-12, 04:05 PM

John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am ..

While his coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA)

was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG)

He put on a

dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

and

tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA)

he sat down with his

calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO)

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his

watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS

(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search

for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging

and fruitless day

checking his

Computer

( made in MALAYSIA ),

John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL ),

poured himself a glass of

wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his

TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can't

find a good paying job

in AMERICA

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

MADE IN KENYA

David R 1968

02-19-12, 09:41 AM

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

SGT RED

02-19-12, 09:57 AM

:marine:
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams; I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night, I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

David R 1968

02-19-12, 01:56 PM

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s h i t s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s h i t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s h i t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

SGT RED

02-19-12, 02:34 PM

A DEA agent stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher points and says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes: "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA agent running for his life while being chased by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

"Your badge... your badge, show him your BADGE!" :D

Ed Palmer

02-19-12, 04:12 PM

Let's Be of One Mind

There is less than a year until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States .

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we come together, Democrats, Independents, and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of the Republican party, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless America .

Ed Palmer

02-19-12, 04:13 PM

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen
babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely, cooing and examining his fingers. A
nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy newborn was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying brats...and yet our baby is so content.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the
pacifier out of his arse...."

SGT RED

02-19-12, 04:45 PM

NEW GOVERNMENT PROGRAM

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S*** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S*** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S***, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S*** you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the "light at the end of the tunnel" has been turned off. :scared:

David R 1968

02-19-12, 04:59 PM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

SGT RED

02-19-12, 05:30 PM

An 86-year-old, very wealthy man, went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 25 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home, and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and muttered to himself… bang, bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that, asked the doctor?"

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Ed Palmer

02-20-12, 07:50 AM

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If you have friends who make you laugh,
Spend lots of time with them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

David R 1968

02-21-12, 02:01 PM

ONCE A PUN A TIME

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a park, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting n an open foyer." !
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

jp2usmc

02-21-12, 07:05 PM

Best one in a while, David! :clap:

David R 1968

02-22-12, 05:31 AM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who
works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television
has a web site at the bot tom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and
nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly
to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .

SGT RED

02-22-12, 07:19 AM

ATTORNEYS AREN'T SO SMART!

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last, but not least:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

David R 1968

02-22-12, 09:30 AM

Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!

Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick
your elbow.

The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)

The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.
in any given hour:
61,000

Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?

A.
Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.

Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of
people who read this will try
to lick their elbow!

EGTSpec

02-22-12, 09:57 AM

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY... BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S TRUE!
(THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!!)

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:
Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida...
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to
raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the
Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic
our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200
years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse
is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
it creates a hostile work environment.

acg8276

02-22-12, 11:09 AM

"I think Congressmen should wear
uniforms,

you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we
could

identify their corporate
sponsors."

acg8276

02-22-12, 02:35 PM

MOVE THE CAR

One winter morning a husband and wife in MINNESOTA were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to BLOND WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

SGT RED

02-22-12, 03:21 PM

David R 1968

02-23-12, 05:14 PM

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like
some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire
for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

EGTSpec

02-24-12, 04:12 PM

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
* six illegal aliens,
* six lawyers,
* six meth dealers,
* six Muslim extremists,
* six Democrats, and
* a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

rickyracer

02-25-12, 04:24 AM

Some Good Ones....

David R 1968

02-25-12, 06:25 AM

Even if you’ve seen this one before, it’s worth repeating…….
>
> Heaven or Hell!
>
> While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was hit by a bus and died.
>
> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
>
> "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
>
>
> "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
>
> "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
>
> "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
>
>
> "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
>
>
> And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
>
>
> The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
>
>
> In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
>
>
> Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
>
>
> They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne
>
>
> Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
>
>
> They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
>
>
> Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
>
>
> The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
>
>
> So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
>
>
> "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
>
>
> The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
>
>
> So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
>
>
> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
>
> He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
>
>
> The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders
>
>
> "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
>
>
> The devil smiles at him and says,
> "Yesterday we were campaigning,
>
> Today, you voted.."
>
>
> Vote wisely on November 6, 2012
>
>

Gary Miner

02-25-12, 11:24 AM

Believe it or not, I heard this joke at San Onofre in October 1960. Glad to see it's still alive and well!

Ed Palmer

02-25-12, 02:29 PM

A Chinaman, a Korean, an Albanian, an Indian, a Congolese, a Columbian, a Mongol, an Australian, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Chilean, a Canadian, a Russian, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a Peruvian, a German, a Lithuanian, a Turk, a Saudi, an Indonesian, a Sengalese, an Egyptian, an Israeli, a Brazilian, a Newfoundlander, a Somalian, a Norwegian, a Syrian, a Nabibian, a Bolivian, a Korean, a Tongan, a Ukrainian, a Japanese, a Micronesian, a New Zealander, a Swede, a Scott, a Nova Scotian, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Saudi, a Kenyan, a Congolese, a Tibetan, a Samoan, an Antiguan, an Azerbaijani, a Bangladeshi, a Cape Verdean, a Cypriot, an Ethiopian, a Nepalese, a Pole, a Puerto Rican, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Portogee, a Kuwaiti, a Finn and a Mexican all walk into a nice restaurant.

The Maitre’d stops them and says “I’m sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai…”

jp2usmc

02-25-12, 02:50 PM

OK this motorcycle crash reminds me of those buffers we used to use to clean the floors in the barracks. Anyone ever take one of those for a ride?

Click to see You Tube Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaOVNqA7lBA)

Ed Palmer

02-26-12, 01:00 PM

Navy Seal quote of the week

Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several
languages?
His reply:
"No ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

jp2usmc

02-26-12, 06:28 PM

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a *****house.'

The second barber turned to Bush and asked, 'How about you sir?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like.'

Ed Palmer

02-27-12, 08:42 AM

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of
beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Ed Palmer

02-27-12, 08:45 AM

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .......

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

“Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something ****ty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.

David R 1968

02-28-12, 06:13 PM

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three retired military people from different parts of the Country.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from the Air Force, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from the Navy, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.

The third one, a Marine says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Marine got the job !

You gotta love the Marines.

jp2usmc

02-28-12, 09:10 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “*******” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a “**** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

SGT RED

02-29-12, 03:21 AM

Cowboy Purchase

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKAGES OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY.

thewookie

02-29-12, 03:45 AM

kay scullion

02-29-12, 07:33 AM

"I think Congressmen should wear

uniforms,

you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we

could

identify their corporate

sponsors."

I LIKE IT! :thumbup::)

David R 1968

02-29-12, 08:28 AM

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

Ed Palmer

02-29-12, 10:07 AM

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling asx-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.

jp2usmc

02-29-12, 11:36 AM

During lunch yesterday, I transported my bike home from the shop in my little truck.

I had a Marine Corps League meeting that evening, and I needed to bring in a few remaining boxes from our Toys For Tots campaign.

Rain was in the forecast, the truck has no top, and toys were in the back of the truck.

While donning my motorcycle jacket, I told the wife I'd be coming back after work to get the truck to take the toys in.

"What? You aren't going to bring your girlfriend?" she asked in her sarcastic voice.

"Of course not," I replied. "There's no place to put all those toys."

Probably not that funny, I guess.

jp2usmc

02-29-12, 11:38 AM

AN AUSSIE stockman and his wife had just got married. He’d left everything till the last minute so they found a nice hotel after their wedding and hoped to wing it. The man approached the front desk and said, “We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.”

The clerk winked and asked, “You want the bridal?”

The drover reflected on this for a moment and replied, “Nah, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”

awbrown1462

02-29-12, 02:13 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/417999_2907344844007_1272131910_32517850_203120632 _n.jpg

Phantom Blooper

02-29-12, 08:38 PM

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,
whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through
their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the
priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above
Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally
Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew
that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who
would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the
chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn
that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even
with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man
and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought
of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Ed Palmer

03-01-12, 08:29 AM

A man checks into a motel, gets his key and says to the clerk, "I want the porn channels in my room to be completely disabled." She replies, "We only have one kind of porn at this establishment, you sick bastard!"

key word

Ed Palmer

03-01-12, 08:33 AM

FIVE MEMBERS
A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the physician. "It's, well, I have five penises," replies the man. "Holy crap!" says the doctor, "How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove."

Marinemom32

03-01-12, 08:39 AM

David R 1968

03-01-12, 09:32 AM

Marinemom32 are you blonde or naive ?

Marinemom32

03-01-12, 09:39 AM

Marinemom32 are you blonde or naive ?

haha I guess I am naive, cuz I am not blonde OK I think I finally got it..did she think he wanted handicapped porn?

David R 1968

03-01-12, 09:42 AM

You got it.

Marinemom32

03-01-12, 09:53 AM

You got it.

I may take me a minute but I will get it eventually :beer:

jp2usmc

03-01-12, 12:56 PM

High School ReunionsEvery five years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
"A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail."
I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.
It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined and we dined and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.
The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.
The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no more do kicks.
No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who'd always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.
The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
Shows you can be wrong now and then.
They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.
They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs.
At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.
It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.
By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.
And now I can't wait; they've just set the date;
Our fiftieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the shady Rest Home for the old.
Repairs have been made on my hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.
I'm feeling quite hearty, I'm ready to party;
I'll dance 'til the dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; I just hope there's one
Other person who gets there that nght.

Ed Palmer

03-01-12, 02:31 PM

Marinemom32 are you blonde or naive ?

Thanks Dave I thought I was starting another fight

David R 1968

03-02-12, 07:30 AM

<tbody style="width: 570px; ">

Don't Trust Older Women
<tbody style="width: 570px; ">

<tbody style="width: 531px; ">

I'll confess,
I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all,
and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers,
and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea,
and I wondered what her daughter might look like,
I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,
'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

</tbody>

</tbody>

</tbody>

Ed Palmer

03-04-12, 07:37 AM

Do you know what made Bud Weiser?

His wife came home with Schlitz in her pants.......bodaboom!

David R 1968

03-04-12, 11:53 AM

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

jp2usmc

03-04-12, 12:33 PM

http://images.shareapic.net/images5/015799785.jpg

Phantom Blooper

03-04-12, 06:26 PM

Four businessmen are sitting in a bar bragging about their familys. The firt one an American, brags he has four kids and one more child will give him a basketball team.

The Canadian says that's nothing, one more and he'll have a hockey team.

The Japanese guy not to be outdone,claims he has eight kids and with the next he will have a baseball team.

The Arab businessman looks at them and says, I have 17 wives and one more and I'll have a golf course !

Marine1955

03-05-12, 04:02 AM

The other day My little son and I went into the store for some items in the pharmacy, while we waited he saw the condom setting on the self and ask me ,, Daddy why do condoms come in different sized packages of 3 ,6 or 12 ??
Well looking at my son I said it really simple son the three pack is for kids 18 and under, one's for Friday,one's for Saturday , and one's for Sunday. WOW he said.. Then he wanted to know about the 6 pack and I said well son those are for collage students , two for Friday ,two for Saturday ,and two for Sunday. Then he said what about the 12 pack and I proceeded to tell him that the 12 pack was for Married men 1 for Jan. ,1 for Feb. 1 for March , 1 for April and so on...He then looked up at me and said wow daddy do you still need them ? I looked down at him and said NO you see that factory has been close for a long time...

Marine1955

03-05-12, 04:44 AM

And here we go,,,

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women...

http://i56.tinypic.com/25sn0wh.jpg

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Ed Palmer

03-05-12, 09:32 AM

DUNDERBECKS SAUSAGE MEAT MACHINE

Want a good laugh?
People are SOooo gullible....

(Wonder how many of those customers became vegetarians!)
CLICK THE SAUSAGE MAKERS BELOW TO SEE THE VIDEO

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Ed Palmer

03-05-12, 10:35 AM

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(you'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't recognize you.

Ed Palmer

03-05-12, 10:37 AM

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside
an Arizona Immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and
told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United
States with
your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had
a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car
garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them
all over here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a
beautiful Mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout
patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One mor e wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes
instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.
And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man
was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and
a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . .. . .. .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD .
The fairy said: "Tough shxit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

Ed Palmer

03-06-12, 09:01 AM

IRS audit

It's Tax time again

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said," I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way." What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Marinemom32

03-06-12, 09:26 AM

lol good one!!

David R 1968

03-06-12, 11:05 AM

http://us.f1110.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f36638%5fAIwPw0MAAVFPT1YrowFqswMoT Y4&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL

Football and the Blonde
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

advanced

03-06-12, 12:29 PM

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

But what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Workand Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass Kissingthat will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Marine1955

03-06-12, 04:09 PM

Attendance call on the first day back to school in

America,USA

The Teacher stood up and began calling out the students names of the pupils in class.

She started off with , Mustafa El Zeri? Here

Then Achmed El Kabul ? here.

Mohammed Ibn Ohlmi ??? Here

Then she said Mi Cha El Mey Er ??? Silence
again she said Mi Cha El Mey Er ??? Still no response just silence again ...as she looked around the room she keep repeating her self ..

Then a young boy stood up and said, Teacher I think that's me and you pronounce it

Michael Meyer

Ed Palmer

03-07-12, 11:47 AM

Doctors Office (http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/posts)

I had to deliver a package to a Doctors office Today.On leaving his office, I noticed a large framed Picture of the Doctor and Bill Clinton. On further examination, he had a framed picture of Harry Reid with his arm about the Doctor, then I noticed a framed picture of the Democratic Representative frorm Nevada. Next to that was an authgraphed phote Hillary and the Doctor arm in arm. I could not figure this out until it dawned on me, after all this Doctor is a Proctologist, and it only stands to reason that he would be associated with this assortment of characters/

jp2usmc

03-07-12, 07:29 PM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*********************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

jp2usmc

03-07-12, 07:32 PM

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello Are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "Its WALES you idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Ed Palmer

03-08-12, 07:03 AM

[
http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1033910.1331147371!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_635/image.jpg

carrvy1

03-08-12, 07:16 AM

an 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

the next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "well, doc, it's
like
this-first i tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then i tried with
my
left hand, but still nothing. Then i asked my wife for help. She tried
with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.
We even
called up arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands,
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still
nothing."

the doctor was shocked! "you asked your neighbor?"

the old man replied, "yep, and no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."

and what were you thinking????

Sempers,

roger

LOL. Like that one.:)

advanced

03-08-12, 08:43 AM

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day

.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that ****.

Never mind.

carrvy1

03-08-12, 09:44 AM

Whiskey does have a lot of qualities, especially when the women get prettier at closing time.:)

jp2usmc

03-10-12, 09:09 AM

http://i40.tinypic.com/125p6bl.jpg

jp2usmc

03-10-12, 09:10 AM

This is more like one of those "warm fuzzy feeling" chuckles:

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/425602_408894812459596_351443748204703_1906163_135 0978434_n.jpg

...unless you and your wife don't get along very well.

Ed Palmer

03-11-12, 08:07 AM

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"we use beer for washing our hair. "the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo."

without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter.pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house. Have a wonderful afternoon".

David R 1968

03-11-12, 12:05 PM

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each
other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks that since seniors are missing a few mental marbles, he can get
one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a
fun game, just to help pass the time on the flight.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot
of fun...."I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then
you ask me one, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the
lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his
pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands
it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to
no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior
pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
goes back to sleep.

jp2usmc

03-11-12, 02:37 PM

A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's offer.

One Marine gets up and leaves.

Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine.

"Yep," replies the SEAL; and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels.

Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement.

The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?"

The Marine replies, "Oh .. I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

acg8276

03-12-12, 03:18 AM

STAR TREK The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said:
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said,
"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered,
"My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future".

acg8276

03-12-12, 04:41 AM

Daylight savings time:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/418042_10150684658906649_570476648_9603558_1034027 114_n.jpg (https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/418042_10150684658906649_570476648_9603558_1034027 114_n.jpg)

jp2usmc

03-12-12, 02:15 PM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello?'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Value for Money Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the Lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. Unfortunately, we can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town, and if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

David R 1968

03-13-12, 08:33 AM

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00.
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.
It's mid-winter.............and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something
for the decoys to float on.

Now..................making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce.
So...............out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Our two Rocket Scientists............afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting
the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light
the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it............
The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning
40-second fuse................
just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run.
The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end.............he yelps,
drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then - KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with
'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.
And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay....doing fine.

And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.....

jp2usmc

03-13-12, 08:59 AM

Spent time on this one first:

http://htwins.net/scale2/scale2.swf?bordercolor=white

Days must have gone into creating this Internet marvel.

You can also click any object along the way to see info on each.

That's a mind blowing chuckle!

jp2usmc

03-13-12, 09:12 AM

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time; nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Ed Palmer

03-13-12, 03:40 PM

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The best answer:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/72/Beretta950JetfireandClip-Shut.jpg/300px-Beretta950JetfireandClip-Shut.jpg

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it
for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means
you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family member because if something
happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this
huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap was all it took . . . . . the bear got her and I was
able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace
That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

jp2usmc

03-13-12, 03:52 PM

Alabama 10 Commandments

1) Thine grits shall not be of the instant variety.
2) Thou will revere the Bear Bryant and place no coach above Him.
3) Let the first born Male and Female in each house be called Bubba and Sissy.
4) Cloven hoof matters not, if thou can roll it in flour, it shall be fried.
5) No man shall have relations with a cousin.....at least until she reaches her 14th summer.
6) Thine pickup shall have 4 wheel drive and a sweet ass winch up front.
7) Thou may covet thy neighbor's smokin' hot wife, but be thou not ashamed if he whipith yer ass.
8) Observe the date of the Iron Bowl game and keep it holy. Rolleth the Tideth!
9) Thou shall not mix beer and wine or as a dog thou shall be sickith.
10) Thou shall forever hate the Volunteers football team of Knoxville, Tennessee. And teach thine children and their children's children to hate these lying, cheatin', NCAA violating Tennesseans as well.

So it is written, so shall it be done.

awbrown1462

03-13-12, 09:37 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/420973_286251578114000_152890414783451_710465_3419 4709_n.jpg

awbrown1462

03-13-12, 09:41 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/423548_283886688350489_152890414783451_704944_9694 45415_n.jpg

David R 1968

03-14-12, 05:50 AM

World's Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
____________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
____________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
___________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
___________________________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_____________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

GUIDE TO: THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
_______________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
___________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
__________________________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
By the Detroit Lions
__________________________________

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________

And the shortest book of them all...

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama

Ed Palmer

03-14-12, 08:49 AM

With the pending election coming this November it is important to simplify your life. So, here are five simple rules to guide you through.
Stay safe and best wishes.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Reforming an Obama supporter is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.

jp2usmc

03-14-12, 12:34 PM

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwh5a1fkgr1qg358eo1_500.png

David R 1968

03-14-12, 07:12 PM

Why Parents Drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?''Is your daddy home?' he asked.'Yes,' whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No .'Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes''May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.'Busy doing what?''Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?''A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensiveAgain, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter'Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME.'

jp2usmc

03-15-12, 07:01 AM

ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Ed Palmer

03-15-12, 02:12 PM

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on

tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one

hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other

on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the

other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust . "you just don't understand, you

old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise

the dead."

rickyracer

03-15-12, 02:22 PM

#18711 was great! ! !

Where did that pix come from?

Gary Miner

03-15-12, 03:45 PM

Subject: Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I
have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing' 'What do they
say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment......'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time..' 'Thank you,' the
woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution..'The next day, she brought
her female parrots to the priest's house..... As he ushered her in, she saw that
his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying....Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence.....One male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and says,'Put the beads away, Frank, our
prayers have been answered

David R 1968

03-16-12, 06:20 AM

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all of the Jews in Italy had to convert to Catholicism or leave the country. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community; so, the Pope offered a deal: He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; but, if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other:

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever ... the Jews could stay in Italy .

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God, common to both of our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show me that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that, through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins; but, the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the Original Sin.

He beat me at every move, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy ; so, I gave him the finger.

Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And, then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch; so, I took out mine."

Ed Palmer

03-16-12, 08:19 AM

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"

David R 1968

03-17-12, 05:58 AM

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...
but all men...
are men!

acg8276

03-17-12, 06:29 AM

> After
>
> their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that
>
> was enough, but they could not afford a larger
>
> bed.
>
>
>
>
>
> So
>
> the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
>
> that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
>
> more children.

> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
>
> a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it
>
> was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said
>
> the doctor, 'is to go home, get a
>
> cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in
>
> Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer
>
> can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and
>
> count to
>
> 10.'
>
> The
>
> Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
>
> smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how
>
> putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
>
> is going to help me.'
>
> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
> He held the can up to his ear and began to
>
> count!
> '1'
>
> '2'
>
> '3'
>
> '4'
>
> '5'
> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
> his legs and continued counting on his other
> hand.
> This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky ,
>
> Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi, Parts of
>
> Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia ,
>
> AND All of Washington DC

David R 1968

03-18-12, 02:15 PM

Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

b2542

03-19-12, 08:02 AM

While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in,"<VAR></VAR> says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?
I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. hey run to greet him, shake his hand, andreminisce about the good times
they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, a very friendly guy, looks a lot like Obama, and is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster andcaviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely on

November 2, 2012

David R 1968

03-19-12, 08:29 AM

<tbody style="width: 634px; ">

<tbody style="width: 606px; ">

Dear Employees :

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to
the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and
government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases,

our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the
dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here

and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots
and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars

and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.

I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change......I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

</tbody>

</tbody>

acg8276

03-19-12, 08:43 AM

The Master Sergeant

The family of a retired Marine Master Sergeant with 37 years in
The Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than
They could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a
Nursing home for retired soldiers.

They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got
First choice, they would take vets of the other services if there
Happened to be an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit.
"How do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

"It's wonderful," said the old Jarhead. "Great chow, lots to do, and
They treat everyone with great respect."

"How so, Pop?"

"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force. He
Hasn't worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'

Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted
A note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'.

And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, he has not operated on anyone in
20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor' "

"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?"

"Me? They treat me with even more respect. I'm 92, haven't had sex in 20
Years, and they still call me, 'That F___ing Marine.' "

SEMPER FI
__________________

Ed Palmer

03-19-12, 10:27 AM

Whoever thought this out is nothing less than a genius The Muslims are not happy! They're not happy in Gaza. They're not happy in Egypt. They're not happy in Libya. They're not happy in Morocco. They're not happy in Iran. They're not happy in Iraq. They're not happy in Yemen. They're not happy in Afghanistan. They're not happy in Pakistan. They're not happy in Syria. They're not happy in Lebanon.So,where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia. They're happy in England. They're happy in France. They're happy in Italy. They're happy in Germany. They're happy in Sweden. They're happy in the USA. They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.And who do they blame?

Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

Excuse me, but

How dumb can you get?

EGTSpec

03-19-12, 11:44 AM

Rob Parry

03-19-12, 03:54 PM

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

jp2usmc

03-19-12, 08:02 PM

I went in for an exam and found the doctor to be a beautiful, young woman.

She told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "why"?

She said because she was trying to give me an exam.

Ed Palmer

03-21-12, 09:58 AM

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern US crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being t! aken over by Jamaica .. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in the United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
They Had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with Only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060..

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

Stop organized crime.
Re-elect no one.

Marine1955

03-21-12, 12:45 PM

Thank you Ed

<object width="560" height="315">

<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/qo2n4sogAj8?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="315"></object>

jp2usmc

03-21-12, 08:16 PM

Gun Scare

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache!"

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable." Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Colorado and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Louisiana and Mississippi he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

In Texas, he’d be called “destitute.”

In Alabama, he's just "Bubba" who's short on ammo.

And in Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

jp2usmc

03-21-12, 08:33 PM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

************************************************** ******************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************************************************** ******************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ******************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************** ******************************************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking. There's no paper on this side either!"

Marine1955

03-21-12, 09:52 PM

advanced

03-22-12, 01:43 PM

First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

awbrown1462

03-22-12, 09:16 PM

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/378344_192043237574287_165948343517110_288686_3937 10171_n.jpg

David R 1968

03-23-12, 07:06 AM

Suppose you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five-minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating b a s t a r d s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

Marine1955

03-23-12, 10:58 AM

Don't Give your Parents a IPAD

<object height="315" width="420">

<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/v0FVm_H_D18?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="315" width="420"></object>

David R 1968

03-24-12, 10:03 AM

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Marine1955

03-27-12, 04:45 AM

Some Seniors as well as younger folks might be interested in this site....

I normally don't pass on any porn (though it depends on what you define as porn).

I accidentally found this site (after looking half the nite).

I feel that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this.

You'll Love this!

You'll Thank me!

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click on:
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David R 1968

03-27-12, 08:05 AM

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him.

They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of
the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

Buckeyewrench

03-27-12, 08:45 AM

I knew that girl, she lies.

jp2usmc

03-27-12, 10:26 PM

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Why, Yes, she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."

jp2usmc

03-27-12, 10:27 PM

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' Then returned to his paper...

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong, how long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

jp2usmc

03-27-12, 10:41 PM

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom . . .Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her . . .He' s naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here . . .'

Ed Palmer

03-28-12, 08:41 AM

eye test
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Ed Palmer

03-28-12, 08:49 AM

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-07Qq7Z4YVgQ/Tz6C8GkOCPI/AAAAAAAAMaw/hAVLIowzuOI/s400/maxine%255B2%255D.jpg

A short neurological test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke.. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

Oh. One more test....
Find the 44th USA President.�

http://thetruthnews.info/pres.jpg

Well, congratulations, you're not color blind either!

David R 1968

03-28-12, 11:28 AM

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

David R 1968

03-29-12, 09:03 AM

Feel like a valedictorian?

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00

I said "May I have large bills,

please."

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are

the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to

her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to

pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to

the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock

the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I

instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I

already got that side.'
This was at the Ford

dealership in Canton,MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears

repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a

'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one

Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window

and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a

quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,

but this way you can just give me adollar billback.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat

my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're

sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in

change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township

administrative office

to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our

road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out

here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing

anymore.'

From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a

taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal

lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg

lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport

employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your

knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would

I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we

ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross

the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of

mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is

red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing

driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was

leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do

this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other

with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas

Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back

into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her

system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs

office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's

name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess

Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City,

Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name

wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name,

she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something

come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the

dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be

silent.

</pre>

STAY

ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE (http://us.mc800.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=VOTE%40yahoo.com)

jp2usmc

03-29-12, 01:19 PM

Sitting in a bar in the English Midlands, a Scotsman says, “As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said an Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said an Irishman, “back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another … all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

David R 1968

03-29-12, 01:37 PM

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you Retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

jp2usmc

03-29-12, 09:27 PM

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'