Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 74 - Marine Corps

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11-06-11, 08:25 AM

An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for
a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How
do You stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the
old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight riding herd and Mending fences and when
I'm not doing that, I'm Out hunting or fishing.

In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
More to it.

How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan.

'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then

we went to the topless bar for a while and had a Little beer and
that's why he's still alive.

He's a Texas Rancher and he's a Hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it Than that.

How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks,'you mean you're 80 years old and your
Grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So,

I guess he went Hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!!

Why Would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

awbrown1462

11-06-11, 04:55 PM

http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/314468_112908342154484_100003059569287_84423_11298 45448_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=112908342154484&set=o.118319738203776&type=1&ref=nf)

David R 1968

11-07-11, 08:29 AM

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in
a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets,
a hospital security guard,
(barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole
incident,
walked up and asked,
'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh*t out
of
a ghost.'

Ed Palmer

11-07-11, 01:51 PM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mass of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

montana

11-07-11, 04:52 PM

lmao...ED i have a dog just like that sob

Arron Walker

11-07-11, 06:11 PM

Two old ladies outside there nursing home smoking when it started to rain one of the ladies pulled out a condom and cut the tip an put it over cigarette she continued to smoke,her friend Mary asked,"what's that? she repiled a condom.so the cigarette will not get wet.where did you get it Mary asked?you get them in any drug store .next day Mary went to the drug store.she asked the parmacist for a nice box of condoms.Mary became embrrassed when he asked her age,89 she said,then he askd what brand and size?
I do not care as long as it fits over my camel !!

The pharmist fainted :p

David R 1968

11-08-11, 06:18 AM

In church, I overheard the lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.

Dear Lord,
This has been a tough 12 months. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays and my favorite athlete Steve McNair. I just wanted to let you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama.

Amen!!

awbrown1462

11-08-11, 08:12 AM

[/URL]

[URL="http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=258541850865494&set=a.244765018909844.73277.244753448911001&type=1&ref=nf"]http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/385391_258541850865494_244753448911001_755842_1613 884307_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/#)

Ed Palmer

11-08-11, 12:16 PM

The Bronze Rat

A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco .

While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.

He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street.

This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing louder and louder -- and were coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown . "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?

"Are you kidding?," said the man,

"I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"

Ed Palmer

11-08-11, 01:34 PM

When you have an

'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this
out:

Stop at your pharmacy

and
go to the thermometer section and

purchase
a rectal thermometer made

by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this
brand.

When
you get home, lock your doors,

draw
the curtains and disconnect the phone
so
you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit
in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer.

Now,
carefully place it on a table or a surface
so
that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now
the fun part begins.

Take
out the literature from the box and read it
carefully.

You
will notice that in small print there is a
statement:

"Every
Rectal
Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is
personally tested

and then
sanitized."
Now,
close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in
the thermometer quality control department at

Johnson
& Johnson..'

HAVE
A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE
OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Remember,
if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart....

Maybe
you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

=

David R 1968

11-08-11, 05:01 PM

How To Save The Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary , thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

David R 1968

11-09-11, 12:58 PM

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

awbrown1462

11-09-11, 03:17 PM

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awbrown1462

11-09-11, 03:18 PM

http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/319213_216225921783989_100001897482075_558009_2775 08708_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=216225921783989&set=o.123097101093707&type=1&ref=nf)

Arron Walker

11-09-11, 05:19 PM

Zebra29er

11-09-11, 06:19 PM

A simple message about life choices!

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely..........
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

"Man, that could have been me!"

So, today, bright & early, I went out & got a job as a truck driver.

Zebra29er

11-09-11, 06:25 PM

Retired Military

There was a retired Sailor named Jim who started his new job at WalMart after spending more than 30 years in the Navy.
He was an excellent employee with a superb work ethic. However, he had one problem... he kept arriving for work 15-20 minutes late each day.
Since Jim was such a great worker, his manager really didn't want to fire him, so he decided to sit down with Jim to discuss the issue of him coming in late for every shift. The manager called Jim into his office and said "Jim, I think you are doing a great job here. All of the other employees like you, and several of the shoppers have put comment cards in praising your service. My only problem is you keep coming in late for work. Tell me, what did they say when you were in the Navy and you showed up late?"
Jim replied "Normally they said good morning Admiral... Would you like some coffee?"

Zebra29er

11-09-11, 06:34 PM

After 35 years of marriage

I decided to try to put a little spark into the evening. So ... I took off all my clothes in the hallway, tied a towel around my neck and flung open the door to the bedroom. I jumped through the open door and exclaimed, "SOOOOOPER PEEEENIS!" My wife just lay there in bed flipping through her magazine. So I jumped up on the bed. "SOOOOOOPER PENIIIIISSSSSS!" I exclaimed again striking a pose.
She just flips another page and without looking up she says ... "I'll have the soup".

Ed Palmer

11-10-11, 07:14 AM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump’s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.”

The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you must not anger him…” but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The other alien answered, “If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it’s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don’t screw with him.

Ed Palmer

11-10-11, 07:17 AM

Three couples go to join a church. The pastor of the church tells them that to join the church they just abstain from sex for three weeks. Three weeks later they all return to the church and the pastor asks them how they did.

The first couple reported that since they had been married for so long, it was not an issue from them and they completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.

The second couple reported that is was more difficult, and the husband had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but they too completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.

When the last couple was asked how they did the husband responded: “Well we decided to paint the living room to take our minds off it. Linda went up the ladder to get some paint and she when came down in front of me, I could not help myself and I took her right there.”

The pastor responded: “Well son, I am sorry to say that after that you will not be allowed in the church.”

The husband says “Yea, well after that, we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either.”

Ed Palmer

11-10-11, 07:24 AM

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of
the photo. He’s really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s
eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother, It says:
Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look
too short.”

Love,
Grandma

Ed Palmer

11-10-11, 06:32 PM

The mayor of a Greek town visited the mayor of an Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor, he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said: "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built."

The following year the Italian visited the Greek mayor's town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, which was even more extravagent than his own. When he asked how the Greek mayor could afford such a home, the Greek mayor said "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied "No."

The founder of Solyndra visited the founder of another American solar company. He was astonished by the quality of his host’s home. “How could you afford such a magnificent home” he asked.

“It was easy” his host replied. “We received a loan from the Energy Department to support green jobs in the United States, but we built our factory in Mexicali. That left lots of money for more enjoyable expenditures.”

The next week their roles were reversed and the founder of Solyndra played host to his colleague, who was overcome with admiration for his host’s home. “How could you afford such a palatial estate” he cried. “It was easy” the founder of Solyndra replied. “I just bundled $500,000 for Obama’s 2008 campaign, and my company received $500,000,000 from the Energy Department.” “That’s extraordinary” his guest explained. “ I must see this company!” “Er. . . that may be a little difficult” the founder of Solyndra said. “Eric Holder and the FBI won’t give anybody access to what’s left of it.”

Our government has become so large and out of control that our corruption differs from that of southern Europe only in that is so much larger.

Ed Palmer

11-11-11, 07:03 AM

http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o176/roccus45/2791011510032786982dhIUbm_ph.jpg

kaelobo

11-11-11, 10:05 AM

This looks like a good place to post , iwould like to welcome home and thank all the vetrans on this day , have a good day , s/f

David R 1968

11-11-11, 01:29 PM

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

David R 1968

11-12-11, 01:54 PM

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

David R 1968

11-14-11, 08:46 AM

Puns for Educated Minds

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says >> 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
=

Ed Palmer

11-14-11, 08:52 AM

25 Truths, 5 Truisms

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress.

- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

- Edward Langley, Artist(1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they worked for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Can you think of a single reason for not sharing this?

Neither could I......

David R 1968

11-15-11, 02:01 PM

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

David R 1968

11-15-11, 04:21 PM

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Rob Parry

11-16-11, 07:10 AM

How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of

Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name

of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and

long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel

so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade

without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle

bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums

in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and

they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale

can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony

Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her

way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an

immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the

top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent

neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were

saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers

knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),

and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures

- Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the

greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic

Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and

the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real

riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother

William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only

with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being

taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of

Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a

name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they

named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic

Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's

drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became

known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

David R 1968

11-16-11, 07:17 AM

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '

Zulu 36

11-16-11, 12:59 PM

Ed Palmer

11-16-11, 03:12 PM

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.
http://www.clevelandseniors.com/images/funny/flies.jpg

'Oh! Did you get any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males and 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
http://www.clevelandseniors.com/images/funny/funny-fly.jpg

David R 1968

11-17-11, 05:41 AM

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Ed Palmer

11-17-11, 08:27 AM

Do You Know The Front From The Back Of A Tree?

A Redneck From Georgia Decides To Travel Across The South To Virginia To See God's Country. When He Gets To Franklin , He Likes The Place So Much That He Decides To Stay. But First He Must Find A Job!!!!

He Walks Into The International Paper Company Office And Fills Out An Application As An Experienced Log Inspector. It's His Lucky Day!!! They Just Happen To Be Looking For Someone, But First, The Log Foreman Takes Him For A Ride Into The Forest In The Company Pickup Truck To See How Much He Knows.

The Foreman Stops The Truck On The Side Of The Road And Points At A Tree "see That Tree Over There? I Want You To Tell Me What Species It Is And How Many Board Feet Of Lumber It Contains."

The Redneck Promptly Answers, "that Thar's A White Pine, 383 Board Feet Of Lumber In 'er."

The Foreman Is Impressed!!! He Puts The Truck In Motion And Stops About A Mile Down The Road. He Points At Another Tree Through The Passenger Window And Asks The Same Question. This Time, It's A Bigger Tree Of A Different Class.
"that's A Lob Lolly Pine And She's Got About 456 Clear Board Feet."

The Foreman Is Really Impressed With The Good Ol' Boy, He Has Been Quick And Got The Answers Right Without Using A Calculator!!!!

One More Test. They Drive A Little Further Down The Road, And The Foreman Stops Again.. This Time, He Points Across The Road Through His Driver Side Window And Says, "and What About That One?"

Before The Foreman Finishes Pointing, The Redneck Says, "white Oak, 242 Board Feet At Best."

The Foreman Spins The Truck Around And Heads Back To The Office A Little Ticked Off Because He Thinks The Red Neck Is Smarter Than He Is. As They Near The Office, Another Foreman Stops The Truck And Asks Bubba To Step Outside.

He Hands Him A Piece Of Chalk And Tells Him, "see That Tree Over There?" "i Want You To Mark An X On The Front Of That Tree!!"

The Foreman Thinks To Himself, "idiot, How Would He Know Which Is The Front Of The Tree?"

When Bubba Reaches The Tree, He Goes Around It In A Circle While Looking At The Ground. He Then Reaches Up And Places A White X On The Trunk.

He Walks Back To The Foreman And Hands Him The Chalk. "that Thar's The Front," The Redneck Says.

The Foreman Laughs To Himself And Asks Sarcastically, "how In The Hell Do You Know That's The Front Of The Tree?"
The Good Ol' Boy Looks Down At His Feet, While Rubbing The Toe Of His Left Boot Cleaning It In The Gravel And Replies, "cuz Somebody Took A **** Behind It!"

He Got The Job.

Ed Palmer

11-17-11, 08:28 AM

While Carl was sunbathing naked at a beach in Florida ,
for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Ed Palmer

11-17-11, 08:44 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

David R 1968

11-17-11, 01:58 PM

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.”

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

vfm

11-17-11, 04:06 PM

A man goes to the Doctor and the Doc asks him what's wrong.
The guy says "Doc I can't pee."
Doc says "How old are you?"
Guy says"96".
Doc says "You peed enough"
SEMPER FI!!!
vfm

David R 1968

11-17-11, 06:30 PM

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

EGTSpec

11-17-11, 07:11 PM

A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.

Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too

tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned

to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they

checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
aren't

worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00
is

the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel
has

an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available

for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken
in one

of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best
entertainers

from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here", the Manager
says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied,

"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed

to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write
the

check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this
is

only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she
replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being
stupid!

Ed Palmer

11-18-11, 09:06 AM

https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-E45qG1kLDSM/Tq0DFSAPObI/AAAAAAAAHR8/xB0NFYRTLg4/299443_10150346278474600_124125724599_8043976_7241 45869_n.jpeg

Ed Palmer

11-18-11, 09:15 AM

http://www.redbrick.dcu.ie/~cult/stuff/Animated%20Gifs/loopygif.gif

Ed Palmer

11-18-11, 09:19 AM

Today’s word is.................fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too.”

awbrown1462

11-18-11, 09:41 AM

http://www.redbrick.dcu.ie/~cult/stuff/Animated%20Gifs/loopygif.gif
let me guess you are the guy just sitting there watching everyone right ED

Ed Palmer

11-18-11, 10:33 AM

YUP:banana:

Ed Palmer

11-18-11, 10:41 AM

Why I'm depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land to China! I was so depressed last night thinking about my retirement, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

David R 1968

11-18-11, 12:22 PM

ED,
Read it I spell like that some times.

EGA1957

11-20-11, 11:13 PM

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.

After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No,"stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Rob Parry

11-21-11, 06:28 AM

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of immigrants .
They all hang together , half of the f***ers don't work,
and the ones that do aren't that bright.

jp2usmc

11-21-11, 08:02 AM

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of immigrants .
They all hang together , half of the f***ers don't work,
and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Obviously an older joke, from back when Americans were much harder workers.

These days, it seems the illegal Mexicans work harder for less pay than anyone, and Americans are upset about that.

Not really a chuckle so much as a sad truth, though.

Ed Palmer

11-21-11, 08:36 AM

Ted Nugent
How Deer Think

Great Quote!
Deer Hunting Story...even if you don't care about hunting...Gotta Love Ted!

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.

Rob Parry

11-21-11, 09:03 AM

I see where you are coming from Joe, but over here in the Soviet Socialist Republic of Europe, linked with Africa we have a problem.

Arron Walker

11-21-11, 09:44 AM

"Life is not like a box of chocolates,

I'ts more like a jar of jalapenos,

What you do today can,

Burn your ass tomorrow".

David R 1968

11-22-11, 05:01 PM

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he
looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now
that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

steve evans

11-22-11, 05:21 PM

I got meself a Jehovas Witness calender today.

Every time you open a door somebody tells you to Feck Off!

Arron Walker

11-22-11, 05:34 PM

I got meself a Jehovas Witness calender today.

Every time you open a door somebody tells you to Feck Off!

Is that Feck Off with a F,I thought it was with a " J " Off

That's what I would say !!

rickyracer

11-24-11, 03:58 AM

I don't get it? ? ?

Rob Parry

11-24-11, 06:02 AM

I think, and I could be wrong here, but I think what Steve meant to write was that he got a Jehovah's Witness Advent Calendar.

In this country they are considered a doorstep nuisance so often get told by the less tolerant to Foxtrot Oscar. Feck is an Irishism, it's used in a benign sense as they do not consider it a swear word. (I'm a Mick)

Zulu 36

11-24-11, 06:05 AM

jp2usmc

11-24-11, 06:55 AM

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Ed Palmer

11-24-11, 08:14 AM

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day?

Ed Palmer

11-24-11, 08:21 AM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

EGTSpec

11-24-11, 08:41 AM

A man goes to the local pharmacy and asks for an anal deoderant.
The phamacist says, "We don't carry anything like that."
The guy says, "I bought one here just last month."
Phamacist says, "Well ok then, if you bring in the old container, I'll do my best to match it."
The next day the guy returned and handed the old deoderant container to the pharmacist, and says, "See right there on the label it says, "To use, push up bottom."

Arron Walker

11-24-11, 09:11 AM

A man told his wife "I want to try anal sex",She told him,

"I been having sex with a **hole for years"

Arron Walker

11-24-11, 09:18 AM

What's better than a cold Bud ?

A warm Bush !

David R 1968

11-26-11, 09:41 AM

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw
the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!

Ed Palmer

11-28-11, 07:03 AM

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

Ed Palmer

11-29-11, 01:04 PM

CALORIES

( noun)

Tiny Creatures that live in
Your closet and sew your
clothes a little tighter
every night

thomasx2xx

11-30-11, 12:58 PM

(PROBABLY NOT)
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2011-11-19, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason -- my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one. :-D

David R 1968

12-01-11, 08:50 AM

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out
counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants
proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought
it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day,
she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said
"I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that
you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but
the management wants proof that you are buying the dog
food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was
able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The
little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the
box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into
the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That
smells like sh*t."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."

ameriken

12-01-11, 11:01 AM

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".

acg8276

12-01-11, 01:56 PM

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

<STYLE>.AOLWebSuite .AOLPicturesFullSizeLink { height: 1px; width: 1px; overflow: hidden; } .AOLWebSuite a {color:blue; text-decoration: underline; cursor: pointer} .AOLWebSuite a.hsSig {cursor: default}</STYLE><LINK rel=stylesheet type=text/css href="http://o.aolcdn.com/cdn.webmail.aol.com/34889/css/microformat.css">

Ed Palmer

12-02-11, 05:23 AM

In my nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But it's a wheelchair!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled! I said to myself, aloud, 'This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!'

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.

Just what &nb sp;I needed! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God ... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and oh, nooooo ... I'm bald!

The telephone rings; it's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap ... any job!'

Mom?. Dad? .Nooooo ... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look o ut. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere..

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker ... Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me,

'Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?

Say it isn't so! I CAN handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug- addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, living in a slum, with a Mexican boyfriend, but please,

Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!

Ed Palmer

12-02-11, 10:07 AM

Willie Nelson's 75th Birthday

Reflects on his birthday

Regardless of whether you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read these words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday:

.

.

.

.

http://www.toilette-humor.com/images/female_humor/group_hug/group_hug_arrow.gif
http://www.toilette-humor.com/images/cartoons/willie_nelson.jpg

"I have outlived my pecker."

Ed Palmer

12-03-11, 07:55 AM

I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has gotten nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Ed Palmer

12-03-11, 08:27 AM

No nativity this Christmas in our Nation's capital.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene. in the nation's capitol this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in DC.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable

David R 1968

12-04-11, 06:35 AM

Beware of older men......

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am." "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50,"
the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same
question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile,
"Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way
down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly
responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old
you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs
them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she asks,
"Okay, okay....How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her
breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you at McDonalds..."

Ed Palmer

12-04-11, 11:49 AM

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend
"That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip-shxit

Zebra29er

12-04-11, 01:38 PM

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Ed Palmer

12-04-11, 01:57 PM

David R 1968

12-04-11, 05:17 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...
that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,
Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Ed Palmer

12-06-11, 02:32 PM

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, AND/OR GIRL FRIENDS:

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert or 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Ed Palmer

12-06-11, 02:59 PM

http://img830.imageshack.us/img830/1581/friendscartoons.jpg

http://www.wltc.org/Documents/Mature.htm

David R 1968

12-07-11, 05:45 AM

Lovie Smith had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!"

David R 1968

12-07-11, 01:13 PM

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned
Goods and ammunition are your best bet."

Ed Palmer

12-07-11, 02:44 PM

"Oops? Obama Opens ‘Class Warfare’ Speech By Greeting Texas…But He’s in Kansas"
TheBlaze ^ | 11062011 | Jonathan M. Seidl

Posted on Wednesday, December 07, 2011 12:00:56 PM by TheDailyChange

While giving an economic speech in Osawatomie, Kan., President Obama said, “It is great to be back in the state of Texas.” Watch as he quickly corrects himself.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/watch-live-obama-gives-class-warfare-speech/

Ed Palmer

12-07-11, 03:06 PM

Islamic Cleric Bans Women From Being Near Bananas And Cucumbers To Avoid “Sexual Thoughts”…
http://weaselzippers.us/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/banana.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ed/Cucumber_and_cross_section.jpg/400px-Cucumber_and_cross_section.jpg
Don’t underestimate sexy produce and its seductive qualities!

CAIRO: An Islamic cleric residing in Europe said that women should not be close to bananas or cucumbers, in order to avoid any “sexual thoughts.”

The unnamed sheikh, who was featured in an article on el-Senousa news, was quoted saying that if women wish to eat these food items, a third party, preferably a male related to them such as their a father or husband, should cut the items into small pieces and serve.

He said that these fruits and vegetables “resemble the male penis” and hence could arouse women or “make them think of sex.”

He also added carrots and zucchini to the list of forbidden foods for women.

The sheikh was asked how to “control” women when they are out shopping for groceries and if holding these items at the market would be bad for them. The cleric answered saying this matter is between them and God.

http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh10/seftons/animal_house_cucumber.jpg

Ed Palmer

12-07-11, 03:09 PM

But spuds are okay?

http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/suggestive-potato-011.jpg

http://www.provocate.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/vegetable-orchestra.jpg

EGTSpec

12-07-11, 04:47 PM

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>
‎'Twas the night before Christmas
Old Santa was pizzed.
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind
to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"
what do I hear?

The old lady b!tches
cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money
The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant
and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought
that things would get better
Those f**kers from the IRS
sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes
if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days
they all are the pits
They want the impossible
Those mean little sh!ts

I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls
Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them,
They want computers and robots
they think - let's I.M.!

Flying through the air
dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys
and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job
there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat azz
and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year
now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

EGTSpec

12-07-11, 04:51 PM

TEQUILA CHRISTMAS COOKIES:
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp. lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle tequila
Sample the tequila in a large glass to check quality.
Take a large bowl, and check the tequila again, to be sure it is of
the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so,
try another cup.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Put the bowl through the window, and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

David R 1968

12-07-11, 05:39 PM

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked..

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

b2542

12-08-11, 07:46 AM

Colonoscopy Journal

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor

columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an

appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the

colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one

point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,

reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,

because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET

UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription

for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to

hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for

now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the

hands of America 's enemies...

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In

accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;

all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less

flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of

powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with

lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter

is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes

about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -

like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of

lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great

sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel

movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may

experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,

but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much

the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when

you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty

much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate

everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you

have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I

can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food

that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing

occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I

spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like

that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood

and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led

me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a

little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you

put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually

naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left

hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I

was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka

in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I

pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to

the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.

You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,

where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not

see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there

somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began

hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs

that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'

had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading

for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,

because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was

like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was

yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next

moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt

excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was

all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never

been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were

quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual

comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was

performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up

there?'

b2542

12-09-11, 09:21 AM

Subject: NUDE SANTA/Adults ONLY

Adults only

NUDE SANTA -----

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !

Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!

Ed Palmer

12-09-11, 03:02 PM

eBay Scam

Be careful what you purchase on eBay.
My Friend- Tim Spent $50 on a penis enlarger. Bxstards sent him a magnifying glass. Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

Ed Palmer

12-09-11, 04:01 PM

Scottish Caddy

During his vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been
slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for
his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver. "
The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which
point the caddy says:
"Noo, the other end."

Christmas lights

I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the Liberal & Social Democrats who voted for Obama.
They all hang together. Half of them don't work, and the ones that do,
aren't that bright.

EGTSpec

12-09-11, 07:24 PM

David R 1968

12-11-11, 07:06 AM

Two prostitutes were riding around
town with a sign on top of their car which
said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped
them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed
with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the
officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to
religion.'

The following day the same police
officer noticed the same two hookers
driving around with a large sign on
their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until
he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

Zebra29er

12-11-11, 12:09 PM

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

David R 1968

12-11-11, 12:44 PM

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?

'Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "Ba*tards won't let me fart."

Ed Palmer

12-12-11, 07:57 AM

The Blind Cashier:

A woman goes into Cabala's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Zebra29er

12-13-11, 09:50 AM

It is just another working day at the brothel. The guys are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a ***** with herpes.”

Behind the counter, the madame is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said ‘I want a ***** with herpes’” says the child.

“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.

“I want a ***** with herpes, and I am going to have a ***** with herpes” says the boy, putting 1000$ on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth 1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a ***** with herpes?”

“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to **** my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to **** her. Then he’s going home to **** Mom. In the morning she’s going to **** the milkman. He’s going to **** his wife, she’s going to **** her boss, he’s going to **** his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to **** my Principle and HE’S THE **** WHO KILLED MY FROG!

David R 1968

12-13-11, 07:15 PM

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas . They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was " Timbuktu ."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The redneck won, hands down!

David R 1968

12-14-11, 02:55 PM

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month. If I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious.
One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath
It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed,
Lost in DC

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.
You get to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!
Signed,
Abby

Phantom Blooper

12-14-11, 05:29 PM

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

<TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=yiv1743747958MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="COLOR: #000000" class=yiv1743747958MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was Rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?" I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

thomasx2xx

12-14-11, 05:30 PM

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

EGTSpec

12-14-11, 06:33 PM

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a $7 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Obama's entire Cabinet.

http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Untitled1.jpg

Chewey A084739

12-14-11, 07:59 PM

How Till Speak Ulster

The following is a list of words used in everyday speech in Northern Ireland.

Afeard - scared
Ballax - disagree with someone
Baltic - cold
Banjaxed - no longer fit for purpose
Bate - to hit or to win
Beg -wafer thin plastic vessel; good for carrying shopping
Bin-lid – a person who displays all the IQ of the cover on a refuse receptacle.
Boke - Regurgitate violently.
Boggen - mucked up to the oxters
Buck eejit - idiot
Brave - large
Brew - weekly benefit
Chat/Chaterina - A thingimmybob. Superb term which can be used in almost every situation. Chaterina (the full dictionary version) is rarely used now but 'chat' remains commonplace. Example: "Reach me thon chat." The incredible thing is most people in Ballymena will be aware, in the context of the situation, exactly what item you require.
Cane - An untidy residence or a place of ill repute.
Chicken -child slang for "afeard"
Clabbered - To be covered in dirt - see 'Bogging'
Cove - A person. Not a geographical feature of the coastline.
Crater – This has nothing to do with the moon and is, in fact, a widely used term of sympathy. Example: "Sure it's a pity of that crater."
Creche - not a nursery, but when 2 cars collide
Dab - A unit of currency.
Dander -a walk
Doner - female version of a cove
Dour -a door
Drawers -underwear
Dunt – To apply force. Example: "Hit thon crater a dunt and waken him up."
Eejit - means "Idiot"
Fadge - potato bread
Facing - to kiss someone
Footerin - to tinker or to loiter
Gammy - rubbish, useless
Ganch - one who is incapable of holding their tongue. More importantly, an indication that any contribution they may make to a conversation is totally without merit.
Gipe - Another word for an idiot
Givuz -give me
Gorb - A greedy person.
Gurn - How could we forget it? To complain (adult); to cry (child).
Gutties - new nikes from oxfam
Happy Days - that's good, not to be confused with the T.V Programme
Heel -not to be confused with the back of your foot, means end of
a loaf
Heerzme - "And then I said..."
Houl On -please wait
Howl - To take a firm grip.
Job -activity usually carried out under the cover of night
Joken -joking
Lifted - arrested
Meat Wagon -Police Landrovers
Messages - weekly shopping
Mucker -a friend or mate
Muller -Mother or "Ma"
McCooey - native of belfast
Nek it - drink that drink in one
Norman -bullying term for someone with no friends
Offees -alchohol retailer
Oxters - armpits
Paghle - pron.packle. A couch potato. One becomes a paghle through prughin'.
Passion -heavy rain in Ballymena
Peeler -a police officer
Prugh - a mix of crisps, sweets or chocolate, usually eaten on the sofa in front of the TV
Pruta's - spuds
Quare - big, massive
Rare -not to be confused with "scarce", means crap as in 'feel rare'
Reely - A catch-all phrase for an action or person of doubtful sense. Example: "See yer man - he's reely so he is. Sure his head's a marley." (From Mickey Marley's famed roundabout).
Samitch -mispronunciation of "Sandwhich"
Sammy - native of Belfast - see McCooey
Scallions - fancy leeks
Scunnered - A state of depression. Important note:-Those who have the misfortune to hail from the less favoured parts of Northern Ireland (i.e. not Ballymena and district) have the tendency to pronounce this words as 'scundered'. This is totally unacceptable and will result in failure of the oral module of this course.
Shap -shop
Shar -a shower
Skelly - To take a quick glance at something.
Shem - Basically anyone. Can be dropped into conversation at any point without fear.
Sicken' Ye - would annoy you
Skinned Ye! - Haha my good friend, I do believe I won that
Slabber -someone who makes bad comments about you behind your back
Snotter - An unmentionable substance which emanates from the nose during times of cold and flu.
Spoofen - lying
Spoon -someone with a low IQ
Stroke - To walk purposefully. Or, more commonly nowadays, to cheat.
Thon - : commonly used pronoun used as a substitute for 'that'. 'That's a fair size of a head on thon crater'.
Tome - Excellent, wonderful. If one played a magnificent shot in snooker, for instance, it could be justifiably be described as 'Tome, Shem.' Important note - these two words MUST be used in conjunction.
Truth - A lie.
Wah Wah - native of belfast - see McCooey
wee'un - an alternative word for small child. 'I'm babysitting the wee'uns'
Wheek(er) - A unit of pressure. Example: "Thon Shem is tome at boxing. He hut thon cove a wheek dig." Trans. "That fellow is a prime exponent of the noble art. He struck that other chap a blow of considerable force."
Wheesht - as in 'houl your wheesht' aka, shut up.
Wick -not exactly brilliant
Wiredintillit -"Got wiredintillit earlee-er"
Yeegittin? -Are you being served?
Yoke. A mode of transport , normally a car
Yousens - When addressing more than one person

Ed Palmer

12-15-11, 08:07 AM

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she

just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"

I told you it was a California Love Story

I know you are laughing.....I did

David R 1968

12-15-11, 01:50 PM

Murphy's other laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Ed Palmer

12-15-11, 04:23 PM

Tebow Humor

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the ...corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

Ed Palmer

12-15-11, 04:34 PM

OMG

is no longer
what you think;
it has
a whole new meaning!

http://rlv.zcache.com/anti_obama_omg_obama_must_go_tshirt-p235661226104715851z7s3o_380.jpg

How do you starve an Obama supporter?
It's really very simple.
Just hide their food stamps
under their work shoes.

Marine1955

12-16-11, 01:22 PM

http://i44.tinypic.com/2n64wnk.jpg

Cowboy Said ,give me 3 packets of condoms please.

The Cashier said, Do you need a paper bag with that Sir?

http://i56.tinypic.com/25sn0wh.jpg

The Cowboy said , Naaahhh ,,, She ain't that ugly !!!

David R 1968

12-16-11, 04:02 PM

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

David R 1968

12-17-11, 05:17 PM

A Heartwarming Christmas Story
A married couple had been shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when suddenly the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?!"

Husband: "Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have the money at that time and I said, 'Baby it'll be yours one day?' "

Wife, with a warm smile: "Yes, I remember that, my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next door to that shop."

David R 1968

12-18-11, 04:01 PM

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.

ameriken

12-19-11, 10:31 PM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

David R 1968

12-20-11, 06:31 AM

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic b*tch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed Camel-f*cker."

EGTSpec

12-20-11, 06:43 AM

David R 1968

12-20-11, 01:30 PM

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

>

EGTSpec

12-20-11, 03:32 PM

David R 1968

12-21-11, 06:17 AM

EGTSpec, you got it.

Zebra29er

12-21-11, 11:47 AM

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to
a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for
the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We
made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Marinemom32

12-21-11, 12:23 PM

Marinemom32

12-21-11, 12:25 PM

Now that's funny!!! :thumbup:

haha Yeah I liked it too...all these are great!

Marinemom32

12-21-11, 12:27 PM

I loved the Yodel joke also. That was freaking funny!!

David R 1968

12-21-11, 01:53 PM

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Marinemom32

12-21-11, 02:13 PM

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.
You get to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!
Signed,
Abby[/quote]

So very true!!

Ed Palmer

12-22-11, 07:00 AM

Don't tease frogs.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WlEzvdlYRes" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Ed Palmer

12-22-11, 04:41 PM

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually
have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both
say 'Screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Marinemom32

12-23-11, 09:19 AM

Good one!! It's a shame that it can't stay at smurf sex forever lol

Ed Palmer

12-23-11, 03:05 PM

A black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim, and a communist walk into a bar.

The bartender asks,

"What can I get you Mr. President?"

David R 1968

12-23-11, 05:51 PM

Be nice
Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your ars you grouchy old b*tch! "

advanced

12-24-11, 07:23 AM

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.. *

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"**

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in* Boston* " *

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.**

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."**

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"**

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.**

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.**

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."**

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."**

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
*

Ed Palmer

12-24-11, 02:13 PM

A white house Christmas

It’s more correct to wish someone a ‘Merry Jihad’, or have a Happy Quanzaa (an African tradition that goes back eons and celebrates the eating of tasty humans.)

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/diDIhbMIKkg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

EGTSpec

12-24-11, 07:26 PM

Warning! Do not attempt to drink a beverage while watching this video, unless you want it shooting out your nose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZZCVpeBKIA

David R 1968

12-25-11, 11:28 AM

Greetings

You may not know it but I've been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.

Table Of Contents

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to maximize earnings.

Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post, ... Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting Three off the Tee.

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 - When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy. Please send on and hopefully more people will buy copies!!!

Zulu 36

12-25-11, 12:41 PM

This book needs a Chapter 20: How to Blame your Lame Game on your Caddy.

David R 1968

12-25-11, 10:26 PM

Zulu, I blame the beer.

Ed Palmer

12-26-11, 08:34 AM

Some Seniors as well as younger folks might be interested in this site....

I normally don't pass on any porn (tho it depends on what you define as porn).

I accidentally found this site (after lookin half the nite).

I feel that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this.

You'll Love this!

You'll Thank me!

The best free porn site ever! Click below:

The Best Free Porn Site

click on:
http://mr-desi.com/fun_pages/freeporn.html

Zebra29er

12-26-11, 12:08 PM

: An Irish Birthday Story

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first
legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk cross
the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all
born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August,
ya fookin idiot!"

David R 1968

12-26-11, 01:06 PM

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law..

"I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Ray Merrell

12-28-11, 06:13 AM

"Any man who drives safely while kissing a pretty girl
is not giving the kiss the proper attention."

.......Einstein

Cpl Heglar

12-28-11, 08:59 AM

A news reporter was taking a vaca in Kenya and spotted Tarzan and decided for a on seen interview.

When asked how Tarzan was doing he stated not to good, All the running through the woods barefoot has worn out my knees and ankles and swinging through the forrest has damaged my rotator cuffs and my back is killing me from fighting all the lions and hyena's.

The reporter then asked how Jane is he stated I don't know we got a divorce and she moved back to NY.

The reporter then asked how cheetah the chimp was doing Tarzan stated great he got a face lift and got elected Prez of the United States of America!

:iwo:

David R 1968

12-28-11, 10:41 AM

Observations On Growing Older
~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are Perfect!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ..... "what?".."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

David R 1968

12-29-11, 07:10 AM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child."

"So what do you think about that Doc ?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

silverdollar

12-31-11, 07:18 AM

I think that I found out what the wise men did for a living, they were firemen.
it says right in the bible that they came from afar.

maybe you have to be from the south.:D

EGTSpec

12-31-11, 08:22 AM

I think that I found out what the wise men did for a living, they were firemen.
it says right in the bible that they came from afar.

maybe you have to be from the south.:DOh Chit!! I must be a redneck. I got that one. LOL

David R 1968

12-31-11, 01:31 PM

Here is a beautiful story and something to warm your heart during the holidays.......
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass there is almost a foot high."

Come on now...

. . .you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you? LOL

David R 1968

01-01-12, 10:27 AM

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

muck

01-01-12, 11:02 AM

Ahh - If it were only so easy - LOL

acg8276

01-01-12, 11:18 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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David R 1968

01-01-12, 01:53 PM

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
let's look for yours.'

David R 1968

01-02-12, 08:26 AM

Is it possible that this girl is blonde

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our
real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty
simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
years of age.

However, one Senior girl in the class immediately started in on how
unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her
opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals
from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18 plus-year-olds that are now voting
in our elections! They breed and they walk among us. And we pay for their education.

Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did! THEY vote AND drive cars !

jp2usmc

01-02-12, 08:57 AM

I hope someone in the classroom stood up and clapped for the bimbo.

jp2usmc

01-02-12, 08:57 AM

I hope someone in the classroom stood up and clapped for the bimbo.

David R 1968

01-02-12, 06:27 PM

Snow White & One Dwarf

The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning. As always,
Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunch time approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello... Hello!" she shouted.
"Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
"Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing: "Re-elect Barack Obama, vote for Barack Obama....."
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

David R 1968

01-02-12, 06:30 PM

As we prepare to depart the year 2011 and progress into the year 2012, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past 12 months. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a
paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I cant touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that BillGates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back
seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Ubekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex-mother-in-laws second husbands cousins best friends beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, its too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

advanced

01-03-12, 10:41 AM

For*those who don't know much about history… this is an accurate and condensed version:
__________________________________________________ __________________________________

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.They lived on deer in the mountainsduring the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.Neither the glass bottlenor aluminum canwere invented yet, so while our early humans were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at nightwhile they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meatand beerthat conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamersin Hollywood*and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer,mostly Bud*or Miller or on occasion a double shot of good whisky and a Sam Adams chaser. They eat red meatand still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks,construction workers,firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. The most manly of the Conservatives became Marines.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America ..They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to*angrily respond (perhaps by tearing Kleenex) to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute*truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.

And there you have it.*Let your next action reveal your true self...
I'm going to have another beer.

David R 1968

01-03-12, 12:38 PM

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

ameriken

01-03-12, 07:12 PM

Shot my first turkey yesterday. It was awesome.
I tell you, getting old is so much fun.

But it did scare the @#*&% out of everyone else in the frozen food section…

David R 1968

01-03-12, 08:51 PM

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

rickyracer

01-04-12, 02:43 PM

I'll drink to that.

David R 1968

01-04-12, 03:24 PM

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

Marinemom32

01-04-12, 03:24 PM

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

Ha! So very true!

David R 1968

01-04-12, 05:01 PM

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

Sgt Jim

01-04-12, 07:00 PM

A friend will aways bail you out of jail,but a good friend will be sitting next to you saying that was fun!!

David R 1968

01-05-12, 08:15 AM

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

jp2usmc

01-05-12, 08:17 AM

Na. They are being nice. You do look that old.

Marinemom32

01-05-12, 08:43 AM

Na. They are being nice. You do look that old.

awwww haha and I thought I actually did look like I was 35 lol

ameriken

01-05-12, 03:56 PM

http://i41.tinypic.com/149qihs.jpg

The DUKE

01-05-12, 08:35 PM

Due To The Learned Wisdom Of Just What Is Worth Waiting In Line For?

Ed Palmer

01-06-12, 01:20 PM

Kansas House Speaker Mike O’Neal apologized Thursday for Insulting the Grinch & forwarding an email poking fun at first lady Michelle Obama and referring to her as “Mrs. YoMama.”

The Lawrence Journal-World reported Thursday that O’Neal, a Hutchinson Republican, sent the email from his personal account. The email also had a photo comparing Mrs. Obama to the Grinch and the subject line, “Twins separated at birth?”

The photo has been circulating on the Internet and shows Mrs. Obama’s hair being swept by the wind, recalling a drawing of the fictional Dr. Seuss character from the classic Christmas cartoon. In forwarding the email, O’Neal joked that he’d “had worse hair days.”

http://moonbattery.com/michelle-obama_grinch.jpg

Marinemom32

01-06-12, 01:23 PM

lol That is hilarous!!

jp2usmc

01-06-12, 01:37 PM

That's great, Ed!

So, will I go to h3ll if I send that out as an email, too?

http://moonbattery.com/michelle-obama_grinch.jpg

David R 1968

01-07-12, 12:32 PM

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course?"

David R 1968

01-08-12, 08:13 AM

This is a fun quiz. Listed below are 10 direct quotes. You have to
guess which American politician said it. Your four choices are:

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin
Former Vice President Dan Quayle
President Barack Obama
Former President George W. Bush

Ready? Here we go!

Who said it?

1) "Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of
Israel ."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

2) "I've now been in 57 states; I think one left to go."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

3) "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line
of fallen heroes, I see many of them in the audience here
today."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

4) "What they'll say is, 'Well it costs too much money,' but you
know what? It would cost, about. It would cost about the same
as what we would spend. It. Over the course of 10 years it would
cost what it would costs us. (nervous laugh) All right. Okay.
We're going to do it. It would cost us about the same as it would
cost for about hold on one second. I can't hear myself. But I'm
glad you're fired up, though. I'm glad."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

5) "The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice,
savings and inefficiencies to our health care system."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

(6) "I bowled a 129. It's like - it was like the Special Olympics,
or something."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

7) "Of the many responsibilities granted to a president by our
Constitution, few are more serious or more consequential than
selecting a Supreme Court justice. The members of our highest
court are granted life tenure, often serving long after the
presidents who appointed them. And they are charged with the vital
task of applying principles put to paper more than 20 centuries
ago to some of the most difficult questions of our time."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

8) "Everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to
the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma, they end
up taking up a hospital bed, it costs, when, if you, they just
gave, you gave them treatment early and they got some treatment,
and a, a breathalyzer, or inhalator, not a breathalyzer. I haven't
had much sleep in the last 48 hours.

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

9) "It was interesting to see that political interaction in Europe
is not that different from the United States Senate. There's a lot
of I don't know what the term is in Austrian, wheeling and
dealing."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

10) "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good
judgments in the future."

A. Barack Obama
B. Dan Quayle
C. Sarah Palin
D. George W. Bush

This was a trick quiz. All of the correct answers are the same
person. Each of these quotes is directly from President Barack
Obama. And now you know why he brings his teleprompter with him
everywhere he goes... Even when talking to a 6th grade class.

And some members of the media continue to insist he is "The
smartest man ever elected to the Presidency".

Yeah, right!

David R 1968

01-08-12, 09:53 AM

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012
Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, a corn bread mix, a
prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up your a*s,
10 coupons to KFC and an "Obama Hope" bumper sticker.

The directions were in Spanish.

Hope you get yours soon.

The DUKE

01-08-12, 10:26 AM

Lets not forget that they swear he is one of if not the most
"CHARISMATIC" speakers to stand in the bully pulpit.
I remember one other "CHARISMATIC" speaker of such magnitude too.
It was in 1939.

David R 1968

01-09-12, 06:41 AM

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE IN 2012

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside.
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel
chair."

A friend has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He replied "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Ed Palmer

01-09-12, 09:33 AM

Christmas Dinner with the Whole Family
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

David R 1968

01-09-12, 04:19 PM

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK ..(A tale from a single white female….)

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk
• A carton of eggs
• A quart of orange juice
• A head of lettuce
• A 2 lb. can of coffee
• A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the Derelicts intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I
looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct .. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

EGTSpec

01-10-12, 07:26 AM

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman,
how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you,
little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted . . .

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

David R 1968

01-10-12, 11:57 AM

A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed. The beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact,she was willing to pay up to $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus..
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..

Marinemom32

01-10-12, 12:28 PM

I love this page, it always give me a much needed laught right when I need it. thank you to all of you who post these great funny stories and the jokes. It really brightens my day :)

Ed Palmer

01-11-12, 02:06 PM

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2720/4082439441_b9f6f7fd72_o.gif

.

.

.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2670/4072116193_b5473cf374_o.gif

David R 1968

01-13-12, 05:20 AM

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA
Quick Assembly
* Lesbian Beds *
No nuts or screwing involved.
It's all tongue and groove!!

Ed Palmer

01-13-12, 08:50 AM

http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/3138.jpg

David R 1968

01-14-12, 06:48 AM

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

David R 1968

01-15-12, 11:56 AM

Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Rooger

01-15-12, 03:39 PM

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too..'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors..... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?'

David R 1968

01-15-12, 04:16 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

DanTheMan B

01-15-12, 04:37 PM

David R 1968

01-16-12, 05:25 AM

They sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!

In response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied - 12 million illegal immigrants; "3 million crack heads; "42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate."

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

jp2usmc

01-16-12, 07:38 AM

David R 1968

01-16-12, 07:54 AM

David Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind...... Probably always on time delay these days.

Feherty Quotes:

“Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

“They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.”

Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

“He’s (Luke Donald) a bloody walking ATM. I slid my AmEx between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500.”

Describing VJ's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

"That's a great shot with that swing.."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."

"That was a great shot - if they'd put the pin there today."

"Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".

ameriken

01-16-12, 10:24 AM

This is my neighbor!

http://i43.tinypic.com/264rp1y.jpg

She's single...

And she lives right across the street from me.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

It's no fun getting old.

Ed Palmer

01-17-12, 10:09 AM

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.” “Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother cheerfully. “He’s a martyr now though” mum confides. “Oh, so sad, dear” says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.” “Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born”. “He’s a martyr too” says mum quietly. “Oh, gracious me ...” says the other.

“And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18”, she whispers. “Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school”. He’s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ......

They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

Ed Palmer

01-17-12, 10:23 AM

Strong Mind?

Brain Study...

Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it...I've seen
this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've
seen it with
numbers.

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong
mind!!!

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

Marinemom32

01-17-12, 10:27 AM

jp2usmc

01-17-12, 10:30 AM

That's going on my Facebook post for today, Ed.

Rich1161

01-17-12, 10:48 AM

Just had to put on my facebookpage.

Lisa 23

01-17-12, 01:07 PM

Wow....I was actually able to read that on the first try.

Kegler300

01-17-12, 05:42 PM

http://i.imgur.com/w7kzC.gif

EGTSpec

01-17-12, 10:24 PM

http://i.imgur.com/w7kzC.gifAww! Private Fatbody. Every Platoon had one of these. ROFLMAO!!

Ed Palmer

01-18-12, 06:57 AM

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3YIWTw4ezZ4/TxaOccO1RyI/AAAAAAAAKYU/l1Icdbx-AvI/s320/Best+Cartoon+Ever.jpghttp://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx8li8ejia1r0ki27o2_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId =AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1326977196&Signature=LnUldQfWa5uvR7ENcMrsOAgDfDo%3D

Ed Palmer

01-18-12, 09:11 AM

http://img843.imageshack.us/img843/469/humpday2.gif

David R 1968

01-18-12, 01:00 PM

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Are you ready for this--? Scroll down….

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

Marinemom32

01-18-12, 01:04 PM

Ed Palmer

01-18-12, 02:44 PM

http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a20/SunShinesfussfuss/Viking%20Kitties/222041_206644062689972_112415152112864_692933_6199 016_n.jpg

Marine1955

01-19-12, 01:41 PM

The Business Deal

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

Zebra29er

01-19-12, 01:49 PM

<DD>The Dot * FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

<DD><DD><DD>For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. <DD><DD>When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States .. <DD><DD>If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
</DD>

EGTSpec

01-19-12, 10:52 PM

And now you know the rest of the story!

<STYLE>#yiv180850991 .yiv180850991ExternalClass #yiv180850991ecxAOLMsgPart_2_62d83b58-79cb-4d7b-8944-aa9d75097e3f TD { COLOR: black}</STYLE><TABLE id=yiv180850991ecxyiv841794811ecxINCREDIMAINTABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%"><TBODY id=yiv180850991ecxyiv841794811yui_3_2_0_20_1326841 218977303><TR id=yiv180850991ecxyiv841794811yui_3_2_0_20_1326841 218977302><TD style="DIRECTION: ltr; FONT-SIZE: 12pt" id=yiv180850991ecxyiv841794811ecxINCREDITEXTREGION width="100%">

Tablets

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

montana

01-20-12, 12:07 AM

http://i.imgur.com/w7kzC.gif

brings back memories

jp2usmc

01-20-12, 10:53 AM

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The man was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized that the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse.
Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.

Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.

When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Sometimes, we wonder why friends forward things to us without writing a word. Maybe this explains it:

When you're busy, but still want to keep in touch, you can forward emails. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact, you can forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know exactly how, you can forward stuff.

A 'forward' lets you know that you're still remembered, still important, still cared about. So the next time you get a 'forward', don't think of it as just another joke. Realize that you've been thought of today and that your friend on the other end just wanted to send you a smile.

PS: You're welcome at my watering hole anytime.

David R 1968

01-20-12, 01:18 PM

I remember being told most of these!! And we told our children the same thing! They are priceless!
I Owe My Mother ..
**************************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

16.Should be ANTICIPATION, Wait till your FATHER gets home.

That one always made me nervous & scared the s h i t out of me.

Lisa 23

01-20-12, 02:30 PM

David R 1968....I remember being told most of these also!
And yes, they are PRICELESS!!!

jp2usmc

01-20-12, 02:42 PM

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

David R 1968

01-20-12, 02:57 PM

" Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterward she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

David R 1968

01-21-12, 05:29 AM

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon."I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked."That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

David R 1968

01-22-12, 06:10 AM

The Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some as*hole's got my pen!'

Ed Palmer

01-22-12, 03:00 PM

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a319/fladj11/Nov%2011/obamasordereverything.jpg

David R 1968

01-23-12, 07:34 AM

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

montana

01-23-12, 09:16 AM

older cupple have diner at friends place...after diner the wives go to the kitchen, and the men to the liveingroom...the number 1 husband says to his hoste...that was a great meal...your wife is a great cook....thanks says the host...number 1 husband says it remindes me of the resturant that my wife and i went to the other day...price was low and the food was great...hoste askes whats the name of that resturant?...number 1 husband sits there thinking for a time then askes the hoste....whats the name of that flower thats red, smells real sweet,has thornes and people give them to the ones they love???....hoste says a rose...husband number one hollers towards the kitchen...Rose what was the name of that resturant we went to yesterday?

Ed Palmer

01-23-12, 09:34 AM

This Is Impossible… [VIDEO]

http://www.dump.com/2011/12/14/this-is-impossible-video/

Ed Palmer

01-24-12, 10:26 AM

http://i42.tinypic.com/53o54y.jpg

jp2usmc

01-24-12, 11:00 AM

What the h3ll is funny about that, Ed?

awbrown1462

01-24-12, 11:40 AM

that Ed posted it, is whats funny about it

Ed Palmer

01-24-12, 12:57 PM

What the h3ll is funny about that, Ed?

If you take time to notice it is posted in the proper place all jokes should be posted in this section,
And I think that joker should be posted here.

jp2usmc

01-24-12, 01:06 PM

Just messing with ya, Ed. The pic has sort of a "The truth hurts, don't it?" thing going on.

USMC2571

01-24-12, 01:35 PM

One of my favorite lawyer jokes:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

David R 1968

01-24-12, 05:22 PM

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.....

Sh*t on the paper....... Screwed the other three cats........

Claimed he injured his back while doing so. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation.................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...........

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

Ed Palmer

01-25-12, 08:09 AM

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks

to paint the seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite

dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......

I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Ed Palmer

01-25-12, 08:26 AM

OH dear!

The woman of the house was sure that her husband was cheating on her,
and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didnt
tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave
the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the
bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maids bed. She switched the
lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but
quickly got on top of her... When he finished & was still panting, the
wife said: You didnt expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then
she switched on the light...

No madam, said the gardener…

montana

01-25-12, 09:27 AM

a native american here on the rez had the rep of being one of the fastest men alive...one night in tha bar the natives were braging on his great speed to an out of towner....he asked just how fast was this brave...no one knew for sure so the out of towner oped to check his speed by haveing him run alongside his car....so out they went to a long strech of highway just out of town.....the out of towner put his car up to 25 MPH and sure enough the brave was right there at his door.....so he cranks it up to 35....the brave still at the door and starting to pull ahead...so he cranks the car up to 45.....the brave drops back a little then creeps up to the car door again...so he cranks the car up to 55...an the brave is still holding his own but of a sudden starts flip floping and bounsing down the highway...then comes to a sliding stop i a clowd of dust...the out of towner stops the car ...jumpes out and runs up to the brave, who looked a mess and aked what happend....first time i ever blew a moccasin doing 55?

sempidr

01-25-12, 10:44 AM

The Washington Post Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to come up with new definitions for new words they could come up with. While reading them, a couple of them resounded and exemplified the Obama Administration, to me. Just saying.

Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an azzhole.

Bozone - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who does not get it.

Glibido - All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come to you rapidly.

Just saying.

Sempidr

jp2usmc

01-25-12, 10:59 AM

LOL - your avatar makes me want to get a license plate that says, "Semper Pi". I wonder how many would get it?

David R 1968

01-25-12, 12:33 PM

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You sh*t the bed!"