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David R 1968
07-24-11, 06:56 PM
John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am ..





While his coffeepot


(MADE IN CHINA)


was perking, he shaved with his


electric razor


(MADE IN HONG KONG)


He put on a


dress shirt


(MADE IN SRI LANKA),




designer jeans


(MADE IN SINGAPORE)


and


tennis shoes


(MADE IN KOREA)


After cooking his breakfast in his new


electric skillet


(MADE IN INDIA)


he sat down with his


calculator


(MADE IN MEXICO)


to see how much he could spend today. After setting his


watch


(MADE IN TAIWAN )


to the radio


(MADE IN INDIA )


he got in his car


(MADE IN GERMANY )


filled it with GAS


(from Saudi Arabia )


and continued his search


for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.


At the end of yet another discouraging


and fruitless day


checking his


Computer


( made in MALAYSIA ),


John decided to relax for a while.


He put on his sandals


(MADE IN BRAZIL ),


poured himself a glass of


wine


(MADE IN FRANCE )


and turned on his


TV


(MADE IN INDONESIA ),


and then wondered why he can't


find a good paying job


in AMERICA


AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT


MADE IN KENYA

LawFitzgerald
07-24-11, 07:11 PM
John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am ..





While his coffeepot


(MADE IN CHINA)


was perking, he shaved with his


electric razor


(MADE IN HONG KONG)


He put on a


dress shirt


(MADE IN SRI LANKA),




designer jeans


(MADE IN SINGAPORE)


and


tennis shoes


(MADE IN KOREA)


After cooking his breakfast in his new


electric skillet


(MADE IN INDIA)


he sat down with his


calculator


(MADE IN MEXICO)


to see how much he could spend today. After setting his


watch


(MADE IN TAIWAN )


to the radio


(MADE IN INDIA )


he got in his car


(MADE IN GERMANY )


filled it with GAS


(from Saudi Arabia )


and continued his search


for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.


At the end of yet another discouraging


and fruitless day


checking his


Computer


( made in MALAYSIA ),


John decided to relax for a while.


He put on his sandals


(MADE IN BRAZIL ),


poured himself a glass of


wine


(MADE IN FRANCE )


and turned on his


TV


(MADE IN INDONESIA ),


and then wondered why he can't


find a good paying job


in AMERICA


AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT


MADE IN KENYA
You are right on my Brother!Semper Fi!!!:confused::flag:

Phantom Blooper
07-24-11, 07:14 PM
Ed...since you posted that butt smokin' squirrel twice....does smokin' mess with your brain also?:beer:

David R 1968
07-24-11, 07:33 PM
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?


Y should I buy any food?

David R 1968
07-25-11, 01:31 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLYsdkmaHXw&feature=player_embedded


Florida golfer

EGTSpec
07-25-11, 07:23 PM
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

David R 1968
07-25-11, 09:05 PM
Flying on Obama's private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You
know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and
make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I
could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very
happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could
throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people
very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his
eyes and said to his co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all
three of them out of the
window and make 256 million people very happy.'

If you're one of those 256 million, pass this
on!

Ed Palmer
07-26-11, 09:32 AM
A Innocent child asks an honest question....


A young Arab boy asks his father,
"What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said,
"It's a 'chechia'. In the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked,
"And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied,

"These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn , Michigan and still wearing all this shiit

David R 1968
07-26-11, 04:58 PM
Wizard of OZ is 72 years old Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls,
she wouldn't be in Oz.

She'd be in Congress!

EGA1957
07-26-11, 07:48 PM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl sitting in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. "

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

Rob Parry
07-27-11, 06:27 AM
Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

David R 1968
07-27-11, 02:26 PM
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that...2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"! The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening”.

My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

awbrown1462
07-27-11, 04:25 PM
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably enraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.


And after all, it's just a sign.


You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!







It was a funeral home. God Bless America!

oldtop
07-28-11, 08:50 AM
Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
And enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "S**T, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "S**T, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
The nun said tartly...

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed..

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
Strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"S**T, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
Out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......


"S**T, I missed."

Rob Parry
07-28-11, 11:24 AM
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't fu@king think so."

Ed Palmer
07-28-11, 06:35 PM
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Ed Palmer
07-28-11, 06:37 PM
http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/imagesBlonde_shopping_cart.gif

Rob Parry
07-29-11, 08:28 AM
http://i1214.photobucket.com/albums/cc486/falcao17/joke.jpg

Rob Parry
07-29-11, 01:46 PM
Only if you can catch me short arse!









http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lotgzy4bkz1qbfnhro1_400.gif

David R 1968
07-29-11, 03:05 PM
The Ventriloquist


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I’ve heard enough of your stupid a s s blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f*cker on your knee!"

David R 1968
07-30-11, 08:16 AM
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gonna love this).......

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

David R 1968
07-31-11, 03:31 PM
A Touching Golf Story

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

EGTSpec
07-31-11, 07:25 PM
One hand on the wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York City

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling mobile phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: Los Angeles

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California

Both hands in air gestering, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game on radio: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, beer can wedged in crotch, throwing McDonalds bag out window: Texas Male

One hand constantly refocusing rear view mirror to show different angles of big hair, poodle steering car, crome 38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in glove compartment: Texas Female

Four Wheel Drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: Arkansas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the blinker on: Florida

Driving 85 in a 65 in rush hour traffic on interstate, baby in unbelted car seat behind driver, cell phone to left ear, tailgating car in front with similar driver/baby/cell phone combination, and left turn signal on: South Dakota

Can you add to this?

David R 1968
08-01-11, 06:39 AM
A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-t i t t e d
broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and
drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony
and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and
blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought
he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Ed Palmer
08-01-11, 08:04 AM
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shiit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shiit, We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008.'

Ed Palmer
08-01-11, 08:05 AM
TEXAS MURDER



Texas man was found dead in his home over the weekend.


Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.


The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes and a banana was sticking out of his bass.






.........Police suspect a cereal killer

Ed Palmer
08-01-11, 08:22 AM
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!


I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."
I said. "My wife thinks my thingy tastes funny."

David R 1968
08-01-11, 03:17 PM
W hen O.J. Dies

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . . (This is priceless)



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

EGTSpec
08-01-11, 03:46 PM
What are the small bumps around womens nipples?

Answer: It's Braille for "suck here"

EGTSpec
08-01-11, 03:58 PM
His wife wanted to have her beasts enlarged. He was all in favor but baulked at the cost.
"Why don't you just rub toilet paper between them instead" He suggested.
"How will that make my breasts bigger?" she asked
"I don't know", he said, "But it sure worked on your azz."

David R 1968
08-01-11, 06:13 PM
FAST SEX


Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Michael said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and
The boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,

'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Marine1955
08-02-11, 01:40 PM
The newly appointed General Amos Was attending a reception party on his being promoted to Commandant of the Marine Corps.
While attending he had his staff standing at the ready for any thing that might happen. the Congressman Wife who was hosting the party for him went around the room passing out little pastries and crackers with cheeses on them. when she notice that the commandants men not socializing with the crowd she went over and ask this nice looking 1st. lieutenant would he like a little something to eat? The lieutenant snapped to attention and said no mam I don't eat that chit!!! and went back to parade rest.
stun the congress lady couldn't believe she heard what she thought she heard so she went back and asked would you care for something to eat and the lieutenant snapped to attention and again said real Marines don't eat that chit and went back to parade rest. feeling so furious about how the young lieutenant responded to her she went straight to the commandant and told him what had happened. looking around the commandant said which one was it and she pointed to the lieutenant and said that one right there.
The commandant looked to see and when he turned back to the congressman's wife he said F u c k him don't give him anything then. and the party went on...

EGTSpec
08-02-11, 03:25 PM
Two guys were discussing the new office secretary. Don said to Mike: I dated her last Wednesday, and we had great sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife.

Three days later. Mike says to Don: I dated the new secretary too, and we had great sex also, but I still think your wife is better in bed.

Ed Palmer
08-02-11, 04:23 PM
http://images.starpulse.com/pictures/2009/09/24/previews/Barack%20Obama-JTM-046720.jpg
President Obama says he will make no more
speeches in South Carolina, claiming that
every time he gets on stage to make a speech,
an old cotton farmer gets up and starts
bidding on him.

EGTSpec
08-02-11, 04:41 PM
http://images.starpulse.com/pictures/2009/09/24/previews/Barack%20Obama-JTM-046720.jpg
President Obama says he will make no more
speeches in South Carolina, claiming that
every time he gets on stage to make a speech,
an old cotton farmer gets up and starts
bidding on him.HEEEE!!!!! HEEEEEEE!!! Now that's funny!!!!

thomasx2xx
08-04-11, 06:15 PM
Has anyone noticed that the guys that carry the flags and banners are sub-standard?

Ed Palmer
08-05-11, 05:18 AM
They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied -"12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Marine1955
08-05-11, 12:18 PM
They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied -"12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.



that is funny I don't care who you are !!!!!


http://i55.tinypic.com/zmmquc.jpg

David R 1968
08-06-11, 09:05 AM
For those of you who will still be subjected to this!


ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons).

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies:

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
'Can you hear me NOW?'
'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all: 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Ed Palmer
08-06-11, 10:16 AM
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom.'
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells freakinawesome.

Ed Palmer
08-08-11, 12:18 PM
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick
your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"

David R 1968
08-08-11, 05:59 PM
Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.


11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!
Refer back to #1!

David R 1968
08-10-11, 06:42 AM
OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....

Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. ........

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....

Ed Palmer
08-11-11, 03:13 PM
Clever Catholic Priest

One Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D. C., an aide to House Speaker
Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop at the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told
the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and
he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation
and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint. The
Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of
conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a
donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you
see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the
money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday
worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the
center aisle.


As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that
Speaker Pelosi was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the
congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the
woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most
egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to
flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed
hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a
cheat, and a thief.

I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever
personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie
to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her
Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is
simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, House
Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Ed Palmer
08-11-11, 03:15 PM
Attention Gardners!



A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.



One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a Gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.



The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato Garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.



One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.."

EGA1957
08-11-11, 07:06 PM
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS),
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'




At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in parts of Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Georgia , Missouri , & West Virginia, but All of Washington, DC .

Zebra29er
08-11-11, 07:17 PM
Little Johnny is walking by his parents bedroom and hears moaning and groaning.

He opens the door and sees his mom bent over the dresser and his dad giving it to her.

His dad laughs and runs him out of the room.

A little while later his dad is walking past Johnnys room and hears moaning and groaning

He opens the door and Johnnys got grandma bent over the dresser giving it to her.

Little Johnny turns around and says,

Not so funny when it's your mom is it!!

MOS4429
08-11-11, 07:44 PM
Hey, live out here on the Left Coast, but...we know how to have fun!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqxTUxzOceE&feature=youtube_g

:D

Marine1955
08-11-11, 11:17 PM
Hey, live out here on the Left Coast, but...we know how to have fun!

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqxTUxzOceE&feature=youtube_g

:D


That was so cute !!!!

Ed Palmer
08-13-11, 01:06 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained:
"I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S***!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Ed Palmer
08-13-11, 03:51 PM
Elton & David's baby



They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially
inseminated.


When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a
dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.


In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them
and indicated that the happy child was theirs.


"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet
our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"



The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the pacifier out of his azz...."

Ed Palmer
08-13-11, 03:57 PM
Watch your language
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

EGTSpec
08-14-11, 12:33 AM
Anything new?

Ed Palmer
08-14-11, 08:33 AM
Turn up speakers for best effect and place cursor on guy's head"

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html

Ed Palmer
08-15-11, 01:47 PM
Kids being Kids

http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2011/08/15/146887-horsemaning.jpg

The original,circa 1920

http://horsemanning.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Horsemanning.jpg

Ed Palmer
08-17-11, 02:30 PM
Disgusting: Pray for Obama T-Shirt - Psalm 109:8 “Let His Days Be Few” - An anti-Obama bumper-sticker slogan (This absolutely repugnant!)

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gawker/2009/11/psalm109.jpg

An anti-Obama bumper-sticker slogan which seems to urge people to pray for an end to the President’s days (in office?).

“There’s a hilarious new meme in the wingnut sectors of the internet,” Gawker announced:

Posters to various message boards tell stories of seeing bumper stickers with the message “Pray for Obama – Psalm 109:8” on the highway, only to look up the verse and find, “Let his days be few; and let another take his office.” …

Anyway, now it’s a real thing: CafePress is selling T-shirts and bumper stickers, the Christian Science Monitor is wondering whether it’s “funny or sinister” to pray for Obama’s death, and Rachel Maddow referenced it last night on her show.

However, as a number of commentators have noted, the wording that follows this bumper-sticker appeal is somewhat more disturbing:

Let his days be few; and let another take his office.

Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.

Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.

Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labor.

Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favor his fatherless children.

Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out.

Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out.

Let them be before the LORD continually, that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.

Obama is the shepherd I did not want. He leadeth me Beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment For his party's sake.

Yea, Though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has Anointed my income with taxes, My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life, And I will live in a mortgaged home forever

Marine1955
08-18-11, 07:36 PM
Angelo's an Italian business man, he gets very rich, and decides he wants to meet the Pope. He buys himself a beautiul new suit, goes to Vatican City, and stands on the right side of the path the Pope walks to The Vatican each day. The Pope comes walking along, passes right by Angelo, and then appraoches a very scraggly homeless man on the left. The Pope holds his head gently, and whispers in his ear.
Angelo thinks to himself, "Of course. Like Jesus, the Pope befriends the poor and downtrodden."
He goes over to the homeless man and tells him if they can switch clothes for the next day he can keep the expensive suit. And the homeless guy agrees, because it helps the joke.
The next day they've switched clothes and are in each other's places. The Pope walks right past the homeless man on the right in the nice suit, and approaches Angelo on the left, who looks homeless.
The Pope takes Angelo's head gently into his hands and whispers in his ear, "I thought I told you yesterday to get the **** out of here."

Marine1955
08-18-11, 07:38 PM
A college kid's in a suit walking home from a job interview when a Cadillac pulls up along side him.
The driver opens the window and says, "What's your politics?"
The kid says, "I'm a Democrat," and the guy screeches away, blasting gravel in the kid's face.
A Lexus pulls up along side him.
The driver opens the window and says, "What's your politics?"
The kid says, "I'm a Democrat."
The guy throws his coffee at the kid and zooms away. A blonde in a convertible Corvette pulls up along side him.
She opens the window and says, "What's your politics?"
The kid says, "I'm a Republican."
She says, "Hop in and let's go to my place."
They go to her place, get undressed, and start getting it on.
He says, "Unbelievable. I've only been a Republican for twenty minutes and I'm already ****ing somebody I

Marine1955
08-18-11, 07:41 PM
Fisher's in his car with a girl and says, "How about a hand job?"
She says, "I don't know what that is."
He says, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Just do that."
She says "Okay."
He takes it out, and she grabs it.
A few minutes later, he goes, "Ahhh!!"
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Take your ****ing thumb off the end."

Marine1955
08-18-11, 07:44 PM
A little Muslim kid is standing alone in the supermarket crying.
The manager of the store goes up to him and says, "What's the matter, son?"
The kid says, "I can't find my mother."
The manager says, "What's your mother look like?"
The little Muslim kid says, "How the **** should I know?"

Marine1955
08-18-11, 07:48 PM
A colonel calls the barracks and says, "Sergeant, Smith's mother passed away. Please give him the news. And sergeant, we all know you're a little gruff. Please break it to him gently."
The sergeant says, "Don't worry, son."
The sergeant goes out into the yard and yells, "Fall in, one line."
After the men are in line, the sergeant says, "All right, all of you men whose mother is still living take one step forward. Where you going, Smith?"

Ed Palmer
08-19-11, 08:09 AM
http://photos3.fotosearch.com/bthumb/BLD/BLD039/BLD072455.jpg
Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.



Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.


Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.


About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one
more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch


and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,


'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we
could...'


At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.... you don't.'

JaysProudDad
08-19-11, 02:20 PM
Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".....

Ed Palmer
08-19-11, 04:16 PM
http://s3.amazonaws.com/wootsaleimages/Some_Motivation_Requiredu2sDetail.png

Ed Palmer
08-21-11, 06:24 AM
BUMP

STANLEY

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
Obama asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to all of the jobs you were going to create?"
Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to all of the jobs you were going to create?"
Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

Ed Palmer
08-21-11, 02:44 PM
How it's done....How to scale a fence....

http://images9.fotki.com/v250/photos/9/127099/8282598/friday_gif_collection_34-vi.gif

Ed Palmer
08-21-11, 05:40 PM
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID."?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America ."

Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

rickyracer
08-22-11, 03:31 AM
Good one Ed.

Ed Palmer
08-22-11, 02:52 PM
Michelle Obama's Dream Wedding Cake
http://www.thelookingspoon.com/tlsimages/blog/2011/michelle_obama_dream_wedding_cake.jpg

Given her known preference when it comes to putting her
dietary hypocrisy on display, this would make a lot of sense...

Marine1955
08-24-11, 03:12 PM
Walking with a dummy . Thanks Ed.

<object width="640" height="510">


<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/exUNpxB0ewE?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="510"></object>

EGA1957
08-25-11, 11:42 AM
<HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #d1d1e1; COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1>
<!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
President Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of sh!t it can no longer fly!
<!-- / message -->

advanced
08-25-11, 11:47 AM
Walking Eagle - That went out to everyone on my mailing list, thanks.

Ed Palmer
08-25-11, 01:30 PM
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shiit won't get hard?!!"

Ed Palmer
08-25-11, 01:52 PM
http://i12.ebayimg.com/04/i/001/57/0a/3c29_12.JPG

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Zebra29er
08-25-11, 04:07 PM
Doctor

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Ed Palmer
08-28-11, 07:09 AM
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination, the nurse said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection."
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco - those female nurses were ONCE males.

Ed Palmer
08-28-11, 02:45 PM
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders


EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!


May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!

David R 1968
08-29-11, 04:05 PM
A cowboy named Bud





A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.Finally, he prints out a full- color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. Because this is a herd of sheep!

Now give me back my dog.

Ed Palmer
08-29-11, 04:15 PM
http://www.icanhasinternets.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/invishomeless.jpg

Ed Palmer
08-30-11, 12:38 PM
They have found Moosehell' Obama sister hiding in Wal-Mart.
I know its her look at those thighs would make a chicken jelous
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/images/walmart15a.jpg

Ed Palmer
08-30-11, 04:39 PM
From: David Kurtz



Oh yes! Now I remember.








I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.




I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.




"What are you doing?" I asked her.




She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.




Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,






"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Zebra29er
09-01-11, 06:07 PM
Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again

Marine1955
09-02-11, 09:39 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the

bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

Marine1955
09-02-11, 02:31 PM
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequentlydropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed...


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our Penis, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'


I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon from my shirt.'

Zebra29er
09-02-11, 02:32 PM
Quickies

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a sex?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat
folded up

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might
try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I
needed was blinker fluid."

EGTSpec
09-02-11, 03:00 PM
One evening a man was out enjoying a dinner at a new swank restaurant. The man ordered a bowl of cheese soup to start, fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy, and for desert, baked alaska.

When the waiter brought the soup the man noticed the waiter's thumb was in the soup. Not wanting to make a scene in a fancy eating establishment, the guy let it go.

Next, when the waiter brought the Fried chicken, the man noticed the waiter had his thumb in his potatoes. Starting to get upset, but still not willing to make a scene the man again let it slide.

But when the waiter brought his baked alaska for desert and had his thumb in it, he couldn't stay silent any longer.

Excuse me, he said. I couldn't help noticeing that every time you brought me a dish you had your thumb in the food.
The waiter replied, Oh! I went to the doctor with a sprained thumb yesterday, and he told me to keep it warm for a couple days till the swelling went down.
The man replied, Well why don't you take your thumb and shove it up your azz.
The waiter replies, I do when I'm back in the kitchen.

Marine1955
09-05-11, 01:47 PM
Down in Dallas Texas where everything is bigger ,there was this Texan who walked into this bar and saw this little man setting at the bar.
The Texan said what are you a leprechaun and the little guy said why yes indeed I'm a little leprechaun, and since you found out what I am you may have three wishes me lad.
Well the big Texan thought for a second and said for my first wish I want a mountain of money a never ending mountain of money. and the leprechaun said ah tees a fine wish a fine wish indeed.Tomorrow morning when you wake up you'll have a mountain of money a never ending mountain of money, now think laddie what is your second wish.


Now for your second wish what would you like to have and the Texan thought for a second and said , for my second wish I want a Fleet of cars for each day of the week ,so I never drive the same car twice.
And the leprechaun said very well come tomorrow morning when you wake up you'll have a fleet of cars and never drive the same one twice. after saying that the little leprechaun excused himself to the restroom and the big Texan followed him in after they were in there the restroom leprechaun went to relieve himself and the Texan saw how big this leprechaun tool was and was amazed . when the leprechaun was finished, he look up at the and said now laddie this be your last wish so think hard , for your last wish what would you like to have , and Big Texan said I want a cock the size of a horse just like you. And the leprechaun said that is a fine wish the finest wish indeed .

Tomorrow morning when you wake up you'll have a mountain of money a fleet of cars and the cock the size of a horse. Well the Texan started walking away all happy and the leprechaun said but wait , since you've seen the size of my tool ,, you know I have trouble getting service by the ladies of the night, perhaps you might indulge me and service me tonight and the Texan said no way not with that big thing and the leprechaun said but laddie think about it tomorrow when you wake up you'll have a mountain of money ,a fleet of cars and the cock the size of a horse. and the Texan said well all right so the little leprechaun mounted the Big Texan and was stroking away when the little leprechaun ask the big Texan ,laddie how old AR you son? and the big Texan said 35 years old! and the little leprechaun said and laddie tis a fine age a fine age indeed and you'll still believe in leprechaun you big ass hole...

Zebra29er
09-05-11, 09:02 PM
A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around , saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses? The parrot replies "The same kind of people who would name their
Doberman Pinscher Jesus."

Zebra29er
09-06-11, 10:39 AM
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son
says "At school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a DVD at my
friends house!" "What DVD?" "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok,
it was a porno!" cries the son. "What!!! When I was your age I didn't
know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs
"HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom.

Zebra29er
09-07-11, 03:35 PM
A cardiologist died.. and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...
.....I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

David R 1968
09-07-11, 09:06 PM
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad..
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCartney, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change",

but don't count on things smelling any better.

Ed Palmer
09-08-11, 07:46 AM
Marriage is like a deck of cards
http://www.positives4women.com/images/thumb_marriage-is-like-a-deck-of-cards-21433778.jpg

Two hearts and a diamond is all that are needed
For a marriage in heaven to be made

But by the end, of far more use
Is a big fracking club and a spade

http://www.positives4women.com/images/thumb_marriage-is-like-a-deck-of-cards-21433779.jpg

Zebra29er
09-08-11, 12:28 PM
A guy stranded on an island for years sees a lady in scuba gear come out of the surf. He thinks, 'I'm saved.'
She pulls down the zipper of her wet suit a little and says,"You want a cigarette?"
He says,"I haven't had a smoke in years." As he's enjoying his smoke she unzips a little more and asks,"You want a beer?"
He's lovin' it, then she pulls the zipper way down, gives him a look and say "You wanna play around?"
He says " O MY GOD! - You have golf clubs?!"

Ed Palmer
09-09-11, 08:44 AM
The

longer you've been married, the funnier this

becomes!

An old married couple was at home

watching TV.

The husband had the remote and

was switching back

and forth between a fishing channel

and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more

annoyed and finally

said:

"For

god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You

already

know how to

fish!"

JaysProudDad
09-09-11, 10:58 AM
A man goes to see his doctor and says" Doc I have a problem with these really bad smelling S.B.D. farts!" He passes wind and says "See there goes one now, it smells terrible!" The doctor says "Hmmm" and starts reviewing the man's chart. The man passes wind again and says " there goes another one! Doc, what do you think?" The doctor replys, " I think you need a hearing test."

Zebra29er
09-09-11, 01:21 PM
A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his


sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free

sex.



The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed

correctly, he would get his free sex.



The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The

number was 7.

Sorry. No sex this time."



A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled

in for another fill-up.



Again he asked for his free sex.



The proprietor again gave him the same story,

and asked him to guess the correct number.



The redneck guessed 2 this time.



The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but NO free sex this time."



As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,

"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.

My WIFE won twice last week."

Ed Palmer
09-11-11, 06:20 AM
Sampling at Trader Joe's


<iframe width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-icgySC4e2c" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Ed Palmer
09-11-11, 09:46 AM
A woman went to her doctor for advice..

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said. ''Does it hurt you", he asked? "No. I rather like it!" ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Zebra29er
09-11-11, 12:03 PM
Dare you not to laugh


Older Patients are already crabby when they arrive:

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted...The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

Ed Palmer
09-12-11, 07:45 AM
Home Schooling

This child obviously is home-schooled. She didn’t learn that in government schools, for sure!

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 7 year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

Zebra29er
09-12-11, 11:51 AM
OLD WEST PHRASES . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . that Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"...





1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Zebra29er
09-12-11, 12:16 PM
In Loozianna


One of our members from Texas was over in Louisiana, and wound up down in Terrebonne Parish, at a local bar. He heard there was an old voodooo woman who could make or remove curses, and he went on out to see her. He asked her if she could remove from him the curse he had been living with for the past forty years.

She replied, "I kin sure do that, but for it to work you gotta tell me the exact words that were used to put it on you. Remember back if you can.."

He immediately replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

Ed Palmer
09-13-11, 08:08 AM
We have developed a new type of humour called "Lesbionics"



1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.


12. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.



13. Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dykee"?
It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!



14. What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
Single.



15. What's the new politically correct name for a lesbian?A vagitarian.



16. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

17. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 government workers?
100 people that don't do dick.

Ed Palmer
09-13-11, 08:53 AM
Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."

The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"

The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you you f**ked a penguin!"

Ed Palmer
09-13-11, 08:56 AM
Once there lived twin brothers named Jack and Jim. Jack was married and Jim was single, but the proud owner of a dilapidated old boat.Disaster struck an the same day. Jack's wife died and Jim's boat sank.A few days later Jim met a friend on the street who mistook him for Jack and offered his sympathies saying:

"You must feel really terrible."

"Oh, not really, she was an old wreck from the beginning.Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. For the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I have ever seen. There was a bad crack in her back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger each time I used her and she leaked like crazy, but what finnished her was these five guys I know who borrowed her. I told them she was no good, but they said they would take a chance with her anyhow. So I rented her out, then these crazy fools tried to get into her all at once, and it was to much for her. She cracked right in the middle..."

At this, the friend FAINTED.

Ed Palmer
09-13-11, 09:01 AM
There was an incident in Cambridge in the Thirties (may well be true). There was a men's club on the banks of the river Cam, and on warm ummer afternoons, many naked bodies would lie leisurely on the grass, soaking in the sun. No women were allowed, but once two lasses did get through. Bodies leaped behind trees or into the river for cover. One elderly don simply covered his face with a newspaper. After the girls were chased away, some undergraduates asked him how he had remained so calm. The old man lifted a somber eye and said: "I don't know about you, young man, but at my age, I am chiefly recognised by my face."

Rob Parry
09-14-11, 11:36 AM
IN RESPONSE TO THE E-MAILS CONCERNING MY DOG...



Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, four thieving Politicians, two Muslim Clerics, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver,




FOR THE LAST TIME...













…THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!

gonzoben
09-14-11, 12:13 PM
THAT IS EXCEPTIONALLY RUDE Rob!!

(How about puppies??)

thomasx2xx
09-14-11, 12:29 PM
Michael Moore was making his funeral arrangements so it would all be the way he wanted. He went to the graveyard to pick a site, and he found just the right spot, under a shade tree, but the manager said he was so big that he would have to buy the space next to it as well.
And the plot thickends

Ed Palmer
09-15-11, 05:24 AM
The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist


Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided

that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice

together to share office space and personnel.


Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put

up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The

town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids". This was also

not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" -

thumbs down again..

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" -

unacceptable again!


So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.


"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Rob Parry
09-16-11, 05:16 AM
My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.

Ed Palmer
09-16-11, 05:31 AM
A man went to the hospital in Wichita Kansas
to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.


According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend
found the ring in his pants pocket.


She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly
to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

MOS4429
09-16-11, 11:42 AM
There was an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad...

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye, sir! I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailor's berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear!" He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone can come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling better!

:yes:

David R 1968
09-16-11, 12:14 PM
MOS4429 look at post #18094

MOS4429
09-16-11, 01:27 PM
MOS4429 look at post #18094

LOL. Well...when there's over 18 thousand posts...I confess, I didn't check them all.

:D

Ed Palmer
09-16-11, 02:28 PM
MOS4429 look at post #18094

He is talking about pete and repeat the same day almost.

Zebra29er
09-16-11, 02:44 PM
A gaggle of geese
A herd of deer
A pride of lions
A school of fish
A murder of crows
An exaltation of doves.

The owls are really wise so they are called a parliament of owls.

My favorite has to be the noisest primates, one of your more ignorant group of primates, which are also very loud and obnoxious. The baboons. The are called a congress of baboons.

That certainly explains quite a bit.

jamielang1951
09-17-11, 12:06 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in
gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks. The man
replies, "About a gallon."

David R 1968
09-17-11, 03:01 PM
Yesterday at my Doctor

When my Doctor asked me about what I did yesterday,

I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a fox in

the heavy brush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy,

crawled out of quicksand, and barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a s h i t t y golfer."

David R 1968
09-19-11, 05:29 PM
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor' s wife sunbathing
topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice
my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.
Is she a pervert?

David R 1968
09-19-11, 05:51 PM
Someone had to remind me,
so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
a manageable size.

David R 1968
09-19-11, 05:53 PM
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
the same night!

EGTSpec
09-19-11, 06:02 PM
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
the same night!I would add, and wash em both down with a fifth of bourbon. :banana:

David R 1968
09-19-11, 06:05 PM
How true that is.

EGTSpec
09-19-11, 09:33 PM
A Husband's 911 Call

A husband dials 9-1-1 and states, "I think my wife is dead!"
The 9-1-1 operator inquires with urgency, "Okay sir, stay calm. What makes you think so?"
The husband responds, "Well the sex is the same... but the laundry is piling up!"

EGTSpec
09-19-11, 09:34 PM
Chicken and the Egg

A chicken goes to Las Vegas for a convention. After checking in, he goes down and plays some blackjack. He spots an egg across the room, their eyes meet and BOOM, their blood begins to boil.
They meet halfway across the floor and without a word, head upstairs to the chicken’s room, unlock the door and go at it madly on the bed. A couple of seconds later the chicken convulses, rolls off the egg and lights a cigarette.
The egg says “I guess we answered that old question!”.

EGTSpec
09-19-11, 09:35 PM
The New Book

A man goes into a new bookstore and asks the young lady assistant a question.
"Do you have the new book out for men with tiny manhoods? I tried to look it up but I can't remember the title."
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

Vietvet1968
09-20-11, 12:46 PM
Little Anthony's best friend just died & he was out on the side walk crying. His neighbour saw him & asked what's wrong. Anthony told him his best friend just died. The neighbout asked Anthony if he wanted him to call Father O'Malley. Anthony said naw,the last thing on my mind right now is sex.:D

Vietvet1968

Ed Palmer
09-20-11, 01:01 PM
I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque. I was really enjoying myself, Then the rifle jammed !
http://world.guns.ru/userfiles/images/1289112556.jpg

David R 1968
09-20-11, 02:02 PM
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'


'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.


'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)


'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)


'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

David R 1968
09-20-11, 07:00 PM
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father...'

oldtop
09-22-11, 09:16 AM
Politically incorrect....but funny as s*it


Some guy just knocked on my door, selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuc* that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
__________________________________________________ __

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the aSS and let me blow a load of cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
__________________________________________________ __

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fuc*ed my wife after only five beers!”
__________________________________________________ __

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read, “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
__________________________________________________ ____

Was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
__________________________________________________ __

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuc* out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.”
I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cuz when you’re coming, you look like a fuc*ing Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
__________________________________________________ __

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fuc*ed a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently, “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly,” wasn’t the right answer.

David R 1968
09-22-11, 06:57 PM
"You Gotta Be S h i t t i n Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the
Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name)
And stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered
Him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging
the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters
and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched
for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden
in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington
and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately
need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be s h i t t i n me.'

David R 1968
09-23-11, 06:17 AM
Here's a quote from a government employee, who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly Lady and an antiwar protester.

Protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America .

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?"
The elderly lady looked up at her and said:

"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam .

All three died so a b i t c h like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a s s and open it."

David R 1968
09-24-11, 05:31 PM
Sven & Ole Install Telephone Poles

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground.

David R 1968
09-24-11, 05:36 PM
A Good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY FOR HOURS!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Phantom Blooper
09-24-11, 08:41 PM
A Sgt.Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service to his country. He was not married except to the Corps,hence he was lonely in his retirement years.So he decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens,black chickens,red chickens and brown chickens. It was allot of work but the Sgt.Major was still lonely.Not quite ready to bring a woman unto his watch,he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk,and the UCMJ,General Orders,Close Order Drill,Customs & Courtesies,Uniform Regulations....the list was endless.The Sgt.Major was running low on supplies and had to go into town.He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until his return.The parrot saluted and said'" Aye,Aye Sgt. Major." Well,the Sgt. Major left to go get supplies,and upon his return he found his farm yard scattered with dead chickens.But he only saw the black chickens,white chickens and red chickens. This was puzzling to him and he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard saying,"When I say fall out in khakis,I mean fall out in F**king khakis."
<!-- / message -->

David R 1968
09-25-11, 11:20 AM
THE IRISH PRIEST



An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed

one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.



He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful

day outside.



He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front

lawn.



He promptly called the local police station......



The conversation went like this:



''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones . How might I help you?''



''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's

Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."



Sergeant Jones ,
considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of

the last rites!''



There was dead silence on the line for a moment before Father O'Malley

replied:



'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of

kin.''

Ed Palmer
09-27-11, 12:22 PM
If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

David R 1968
09-28-11, 01:01 PM
A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."




.......and this is why the Chinese own us!
"Business is Business"

rickyracer
09-29-11, 04:01 AM
#18133 was great! ! !

David R 1968
09-29-11, 05:40 AM
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

Zebra29er
09-29-11, 11:44 AM
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese
sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

EGTSpec
09-29-11, 05:41 PM
http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/298406_2152985468116_1350790709_32060520_137377261 3_n.jpg

EGTSpec
09-29-11, 05:46 PM
http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/168774_1519272350815_1504714862_31070101_6094547_n .jpg

David R 1968
09-30-11, 01:22 PM
An Arab and a Genie
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

Ed Palmer
09-30-11, 03:41 PM
NAKED SOUTHERN CHICKS
Is this chick too sexy? PETA thinks so.






http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_dGwEzdCjBG8/SwxFKHPlD_I/AAAAAAAAAuE/Ua79bMSobtQ/s400/turkey.bmp



http://phugcus.zenfs.com/phugc/14efee1e8eb0bea7fa4a0bb661fcc6b7/photos/709170eeb926244ea76bda1e9bc0c7fb/mr_f264b3f81aac7e.jpg


http://chattamom.chattablogs.com/archives/TurkeyBikini-thumb.jpg

Ed Palmer
09-30-11, 04:52 PM
http://boudicabpi.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/thedot.jpg?w=640&h=747

The Dot l FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.

David R 1968
10-01-11, 06:44 AM
Bud Light & Sweet Tea !!!

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Ed Palmer
10-01-11, 07:08 AM
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM










------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

David R 1968
10-01-11, 07:23 AM
Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

... and my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied
by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at
the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

David R 1968
10-02-11, 09:04 AM
Longest Nerve In The Body


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve
that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible
for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your a s s
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

EGA1957
10-02-11, 09:29 AM
Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Add
7. _UNT








------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

7. AUNT

advanced
10-03-11, 11:16 AM
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, *and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to *be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other. *

Ed Palmer
10-04-11, 07:47 AM
After being married for fifty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said "Oh, that's so lovely. But what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding."

His eye is still swollen but it will get better.

awbrown1462
10-04-11, 12:46 PM
http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/301232_144642828965793_100002602317147_210190_1864 688080_n.jpg

awbrown1462
10-04-11, 12:49 PM
http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s320x320/294173_122135507892188_113413808764358_100637_1606 562023_n.jpg

awbrown1462
10-04-11, 12:50 PM
http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/299468_254761227898704_227970240577803_692436_6347 89467_n.jpg

Phantom Blooper
10-04-11, 05:51 PM
A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me".

"Oh, good!", the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two with cream and sugar, two black and two decaf".

Ed Palmer
10-05-11, 05:23 AM
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

David R 1968
10-05-11, 06:07 AM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full
of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him & his bulging
pockets.


Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls".


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him
for a very long time, deeply thinking about what
he had said.


After several minutes, not being able to contain her
curiosity any longer, she asked;


"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

David R 1968
10-06-11, 06:34 AM
Two Friends Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

ese4mc
10-06-11, 09:25 AM
:)I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011,
1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel"
before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change"
lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to
your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like
messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry,
he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat
truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership to get my car.
Damn guy had no sense of humor :thumbup:










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David R 1968
10-06-11, 11:12 AM
"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Ed Palmer
10-06-11, 02:43 PM
Guy goes into a bar in Berwick , LA. where there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says," 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then star ts to talk about Nascar, Bud weiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Barrack Obama?

David R 1968
10-06-11, 06:17 PM
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great
deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as
He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we wear rubbers..'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen..'

David R 1968
10-09-11, 11:30 AM
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine... I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

EGTSpec
10-09-11, 12:23 PM
http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/320918_100259950084169_100152733428224_1097_541147 837_n.jpg

Zebra29er
10-09-11, 04:06 PM
Lil Johnny

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really f**k, I've got nothing left to live for

EGTSpec
10-09-11, 06:51 PM
http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/300891_169023673184067_166678926751875_365918_1999 235650_n.jpg

oldtop
10-10-11, 10:59 AM
Little Johnny My Daddy Sleeps Naked



"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny
and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The
last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a
noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma,
"That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy
whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that
double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he
stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip,
had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose
in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

Ed Palmer
10-10-11, 03:02 PM
LENA and OLE ---

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole

and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

tractor and took her

to the hospital to have their

first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor

looked over at Ole and

said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!

' Well, Ole got excited by dis,

but yust den the doctor spoke

up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!

' The doctor den held up

a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!

You got you a daughter!

' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this,

an then the doctor said,

'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't

done yet!' The doctor then

delivered another boy and said,

Ole, you yust had yourself

another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought

Lena and their three Children

home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked

Lena , 'How come we got tree on

the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night

we ran out of Vaseline and You vent

out in the garage and got dat dere

3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!

It's a darn good ting I didn't get

the WD-40.

Ed Palmer
10-11-11, 08:30 AM
Age Test


Can you identify these items ?

http://www.shrockbrothers.com/reproduction/39-40_champ_choke_tb.jpg

.http://www.aircooledvwlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/vw-points.jpg



.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v645/SeniorChieftain/images1.jpg

Quinbo
10-11-11, 11:42 AM
choke
points
dimmer switch

thomasx2xx
10-11-11, 12:12 PM
http://f361.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2312381%5fANizo0IAALN5TpRV8wBY%2f 3BBaqY&pid=9&fid=Inbox&inline=1


http://f361.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2312381%5fANizo0IAALN5TpRV8wBY%2f 3BBaqY&pid=12&fid=Inbox&inline=1
http://f361.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2312381%5fANizo0IAALN5TpRV8wBY%2f 3BBaqY&pid=13&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Ed Palmer
10-11-11, 12:47 PM
LARRY THE CABLE GUY STRIKES AGAIN:

Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy":
"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a
large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I
would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody
that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with
Democrats that can't swim is a damn genius".

Quinbo
10-11-11, 01:19 PM
http://f361.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2312381%5fANizo0IAALN5TpRV8wBY%2f 3BBaqY&pid=12&fid=Inbox&inline=1
http://f361.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2312381%5fANizo0IAALN5TpRV8wBY%2f 3BBaqY&pid=13&fid=Inbox&inline=1



http://www.russettsouthwest.com.php5-12.websitetestlink.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Red-X.JPG

Zebra29er
10-11-11, 03:46 PM
http://s1.postimage.org/1gzfpprpg/depends.jpg (http://postimage.org/image/1gzfpprpg/)

sgthammer
10-12-11, 12:33 AM
A Sergeant in a combat zone who is always eager for Mail-Call to get his mail from back home unexpectedly recieves a Dear John Letter from his girl back home.

She write's about how all of her college friends are against the war and complaining that she should think better of her self than have anything to do with a war mongering baby killer like a U.S. Marine.

she then goes on with how she is breaking it off and would he please RETURN her photograph to the address on the envelope and ends with, Good bye and Good Luck. Charlott.

Feeling hurt and confused he got a bright idea. The sergeant made his rounds to every Marine in his Company and requested pictures of Girlfriends, Sisters and Wives.

He then sent over one hundred photos of Beautiful women to his Ex- girlfriend with this note enclosed :

DEAR CHARLOTT, I'M SORRY BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE REMEMBERING WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PHOTO AND RETURN THE REST TO ME. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU ALSO, GOOD BYE.
SINCERLY, SERGEANT JOHN HARDCORPS, USMC

oldtop
10-12-11, 10:40 AM
A Sergeant in a combat zone who is always eager for Mail-Call to get his mail from back home unexpectedly recieves a Dear John Letter from his girl back home.

She write's about how all of her college friends are against the war and complaining that she should think better of her self than have anything to do with a war mongering baby killer like a U.S. Marine.

she then goes on with how she is breaking it off and would he please RETURN her photograph to the address on the envelope and ends with, Good bye and Good Luck. Charlott.

Feeling hurt and confused he got a bright idea. The sergeant made his rounds to every Marine in his Company and requested pictures of Girlfriends, Sisters and Wives.

He then sent over one hundred photos of Beautiful women to his Ex- girlfriend with this note enclosed :

DEAR CHARLOTT, I'M SORRY BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE REMEMBERING WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PHOTO AND RETURN THE REST TO ME. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU ALSO, GOOD BYE.
SINCERLY, SERGEANT JOHN HARDCORPS, USMC

A good story, but NOT really a joke...I did exactly this on Christmas Eve 1966 when my G/F sent me a Dear John letter in Vietnam.

sgthammer
10-12-11, 12:00 PM
Sorry Top, It was told to me as a "Military Humor" years ago and I thought people such as yourself would enjoy it. I didn't actually think it happened or use it as a story. I applaud you for doing this in '66. I was at Edson Range in '72 when a young recruit recieved a Dear John letter, He put his M-14 in his mouth and splattered his brains across the barracks. L8R.

sgthammer
10-12-11, 12:10 PM
Hey Top, Maybe you can help me with something since you mentioned Christmas 1966. We used to have a Poem about Christmas in Viet Nam that went: "Well there's strange things done beneath the Viet Namese sun, but the time that lock my jaws, was the night beneath the moon, when the third platoon gunned down Santa Clause". I can't remember the whole thing but I would like to get a copy of it can you help me out ? I'm sure a whole lot of the Marines who visit this site would too. Thanks Top. SEMPER FI !

oldtop
10-12-11, 12:52 PM
Sorry Hammer, I'd like to get a copy of that one myself..LOL...only difference between what I did and your posted humor was no pictures of wives or girlfriends in mine, no sir, no wholesomeness here...I collected photos of hookers and bar girls that my buds had taken of their "love you long time" girls on R&R (some were pretty raunchy, too). She never sent back any of them though, but I never really expected her to..at least I didn't send her the frag my best bud wanted to put in the box!!!!

sgthammer
10-12-11, 01:38 PM
OOOHRA ! I like your way a whole lot more, Makes me PROUD to wear the green. By the way, I just recieved that poem from a Marine tagged as "EAGLE45" who sent me the entire poem. if you can't get it from him I'll figure out how to get it to you. I'm fairly new to this site. I tried to post a photo of my Mother in uniform with NO success. She was a Marine Sergeant in WWII.

Ed Palmer
10-12-11, 01:45 PM
Hey Top, Maybe you can help me with something since you mentioned Christmas 1966. We used to have a Poem about Christmas in Viet Nam that went: "Well there's strange things done beneath the Viet Namese sun, but the time that lock my jaws, was the night beneath the moon, when the third platoon gunned down Santa Clause". I can't remember the whole thing but I would like to get a copy of it can you help me out ? I'm sure a whole lot of the Marines who visit this site would too. Thanks Top. SEMPER FI !

The Night They Gunned Down Santa Claus



The Night They Gunned Down Santa Claus
by Chet Lynn
There's strange things done 'neath the Vietnamese sun
but the thing that locked my jaws
was the night 'neath the moon, the third platoon
gunned down Santa Claus.

It started off right just another night,
you had to spend in the dirt,,
security was out., .360 about
with fifty percent alert.

We had 81s and naval guns our tanks were track to track,
an ontos or so an arty FO with barrages back to back.

I froze where I stood 'cause out of the wood
eight horses came charging along,
this may sound scary those mustangs were hairy,
"Oh no," I moaned," mounted Viet Cong."

They were coming our way pulling what looked like a sleigh
you never knew what they'd use,
our flares were tripped our SIDs had flipped
Our tipsy blew a fuse.

We let them close then we yelled "who goes"
like they do in the movie show,
the answer we got, believe it or not,
was a hearty," Ho Ho Ho."

Now these troops of mine have seen some time
they've done some things back-assward,,
they may be thick but I'll tell you a trick
they knew that wasn't the password.,

The nineties roared the 81's soared,
the naval guns raised hell.,
a bright red flare flew through the air,
as we fired our FPL.

I'll grant him guts but that man was nuts
or I'm a no good liar.,
he dropped like a stone in our killing zone
I passed the word, "cease fire".

I went out and took a real good look.,
my memory started to race,,
my mind plays games when It comes to names
but I never forget a face.,

He was dressed in red and he looked well fed
older than most I'd seen,
he looked right weird with that long white beard
and stumps where his legs had been.

He hadn't quite died when I reached his side
but the end was clearly in sight,
I knelt down low and he said real slow,,
"Merry Christmas.. and to all,. a good night'

Now we should have known our cools were blown
when that light in the East we seen
I thought it was flares and it had to be theirs
or the damned things would have been green,,

I picked up the hook with a voice that shook
said "gimme the Six and quick,
Colonel." I said, " hang on to your head.,
we just greased old St. Nick".

Now the old mans cool., He's nobody's fool,
right off he knew the word.,
if This got out, there'd be no doubt,
he wouldn't be making his bird.

"Just get him up here and we'll play it by ear
make sure he's got a tag,
dismantle the sleigh, drive those reindeer away
and bury that God damned bag".

Now by and by the kiddies may cry
'cause nothings under the tree.,
but the word came back from FMFPac
that Santa had gone VC.

There's strange things done 'neath the Vietnamese sun
but the time that locked my jaws,
was the night neath the moon, 'When the third platoon
gunned down Santa Claus.

sgthammer
10-12-11, 02:10 PM
Now I recieved it from "Ed Palmer" also. My personal Thanks to everyone, I didn't know so many of you had this. THANK YOU ALL.

Zebra29er
10-13-11, 12:57 PM
Slang Education


A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about “pussy,” and their “B**ch.” The boy, confused by this, approaches his mother after school. “Mom, what’s a pussy?”

The mother, startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.”

The son then asks “What’s a Pu**y?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a B**ch.”

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?”

The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a B**ch?”

The dad replies, “Everything outside the circle.”

vfm
10-13-11, 03:38 PM
Why do Lesbians do their shopping at "Sports Authority"?
Because they hate "Dicks".

David R 1968
10-14-11, 01:13 PM
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You wipe your a s s with your hand
- You cook over burning camel s h i t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no s h i t Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much
worse.

David R 1968
10-15-11, 06:39 AM
RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

David R 1968
10-16-11, 09:48 AM
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly ..


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red ..



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom
was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they
both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

EGTSpec
10-16-11, 10:40 AM
What does a 3000 pound Canary say?

Here, kitty kittty kitty.



Where does a 3000 pound gorilla sleep?

Anywhere he wants.



What else does a 3000 pound Canary say?

CHIRP! FRIGGIN CHIRP!

Ed Palmer
10-16-11, 11:17 AM
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red ..





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom
was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they
both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?







(Scroll down for the answer.)








x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xThey were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

David R 1968
10-16-11, 01:33 PM
ED

You got it.

David R 1968
10-16-11, 01:36 PM
Who is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Ottawa General Hospital , Critical Care Unit, Room 233

David R 1968
10-17-11, 07:38 AM
The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him..
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw t hat the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"

awbrown1462
10-17-11, 08:09 AM
ED

You got it.
or when the King asked what is in your pockets the Prince said pockets pockets whos got pockets

David R 1968
10-17-11, 03:05 PM
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

David R 1968
10-18-11, 06:10 AM
A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's a s s.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

Cpl Heglar
10-19-11, 07:40 AM
Please beware of a email titled Nancy Pelosi Naked.

It has a PDF attachement of Nancy Pelosi Naked!!!!

*shivers

Zebra29er
10-19-11, 10:17 AM
Old Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Shoulda bought a hat."

awbrown1462
10-20-11, 07:33 AM
7 http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/ucomics.com/cw111020.gif

Ed Palmer
10-20-11, 08:22 AM
A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

David R 1968
10-20-11, 02:20 PM
All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.
The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves.
But the fvcking maniac stays on.

acg8276
10-21-11, 06:56 AM
It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants
to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been
facing hard times and has had to offer her
"services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.





The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states
that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up
the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus
package" works.

Rob Parry
10-21-11, 12:21 PM
If you own a Harley look away now if you don't want to know the score.......

A 10-year-old girl is on her way home when a big bearded fellow on a large black motorcycle runs up the side of her, after running by a little, he looks at her and he says:
"Hey little girl, you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the girl, hurrying on.
The motorcyclist coming back up on her side again and says "Come on, I'll give you 10 dollars."
"NO!" she replies again and runs down the street. The motorcyclist approaches her again and says:
"Okay, my last offer, you get twenty dollars and a big bag of candy if you'll ride with me."
The girl stops, stares at the man and shouts:
"Now listen, Dad, it was you who bought the Harley-Davidson instead of the Yamaha. Live with it!"


Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The lady answers, "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "51."

Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"

---

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower.

Did you know 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Kawasaki.

Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the sidestands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.


How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would YOU be smiling?

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirtbags.

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the
canyons.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and a rope.

What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that's being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers??
So they can go around corners faster!




OK, you can look back at the screen now.

Zulu 36
10-21-11, 12:42 PM
How the military branches are viewed

jp2usmc
10-21-11, 12:52 PM
No words necessary, but I suppose, "Say Cheese!" would be OK.

http://truthandgrace.com/Images/muslimhate128.jpg

David R 1968
10-21-11, 06:21 PM
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often
and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."
I Know you're smiling :-)

Ed Palmer
10-22-11, 04:20 PM
DUI


I would like to share an experience with you. It concerns drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.

Well, I, for one, have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
After having far too much BEER, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I have never done before.
I took a bus home.




I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise in itself, as I have never driven a bus before.

David R 1968
10-24-11, 10:01 AM
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!

Ed Palmer
10-24-11, 12:45 PM
Best way for girls to lose weight 2011

http://video.staged.com/hypnodan/best_way_for_girls_to_lose_weight_2011

jp2usmc
10-24-11, 01:29 PM
How about a video?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5GZqszGwa8

Zebra29er
10-24-11, 03:07 PM
<TABLE style="MARGIN: auto auto auto 10.5pt" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM-COLOR: #e1e0d2; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; BORDER-TOP-COLOR: #e1e0d2; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-RIGHT-COLOR: #e1e0d2; BORDER-LEFT-COLOR: #e1e0d2; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and
public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session he decided to stop.

You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one
around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around'; he
stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut
a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was
really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.

It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.

I said, 'Excuse me sir but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then he
looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? Sh!t .... Is
it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best
Come Back Line Ever.'
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Ed Palmer
10-24-11, 04:32 PM
Make sure to watch the film past the credits, enjoy!


Bob

<iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/25845008?title=0&amp;byline=0&amp;portrait=0" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen allowFullScreen></iframe><p><a href="http://vimeo.com/25845008">BOB</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user4110239">Jacob Frey</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>

Ed Palmer
10-26-11, 05:34 AM
A Mexican, a Black, a
Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black
stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the
bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared."I can only grant
four
wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a
wish
apiece."

Pointing at the Black, he
said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a
moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all
my
people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ."

Poof! It was done!
Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh
for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland,
May-he-co!"

Poof! It was done! Row
after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

The Muslim said, "I wish
for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible

country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries
and
serve Allah."

Poof! It was done! ten
thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck,
the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

The Redneck watched as the
loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea
and
watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at
all
of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just
give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"

Ed Palmer
10-26-11, 12:38 PM
The Milkman and the Blonde

JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER,
ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS!

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking meto leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Rob Parry
10-26-11, 01:19 PM
http://www.mobileread.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=78181&d=1319637242

David R 1968
10-26-11, 01:26 PM
A Vermont story about a flatlander from New York City. He got sick of the big city grind and bought an old farm way back in a hollow, miles from a paved road. He drove down to get groceries every couple of weeks and had to pick up his mail from the local post office since they don’t deliver way out where he lives.
After six months of being totally alone, there is a knock on the door. He opened it to find a large bearded local standing outside.
"Name’s Floyd, your neighbor from the next hollow. Having a party Saturday; thought you’d like to come."
This sounded pretty good so the flatlander readily agrees to the invitation.
"Gotta warn you, though: There might be some drinkin."
The flatlander allows as that would be OK.
"More ’n likely that there’ll be some fighting, too."
Even that sounded tolerable after six months of living like a hermit.
"I’ve even seen some kissin’ at these parties."
That sounded just fine since the flatlander hadn’t spent more than a few minutes with a woman since he moved up to Vermont.
Just as Floyd was leaving, the flatlander looks up and asks, "Well, what should I wear to this party?"
Floyd turned back around and said, "Whatever you want . . . just going to be the two of us!"

Ed Palmer
10-26-11, 03:15 PM
Golf course gator fight

That's right... Gator Fight. Two huge 11-foot-plus gators fighting at The Eagles Golf Course in Tampa, Fla. Amazing footage of alligators in the wild fighting for territory and mating rights. These two give new meaning to "fast and firm." Best part comes about half way through when they find a gator tooth. Now let's get it on!

| 9/8/2011

<object width='480' height='270'><param name='allowFullScreen' value='true' /><param name='allowScriptAccess' value='always' /><param name='movie' value='http://mediaserver.gie.net/v/2863/s/15' /><embed src='http://mediaserver.gie.net/v/2863/s/15' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' allowscriptaccess='always' allowfullscreen='true' width='480' height='270' /></object>

Ed Palmer
10-27-11, 02:46 PM
God's Sense of Humor



While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world..........







And then He made the earth round.

Ed Palmer
10-27-11, 06:07 PM
This might work in California

http://www.huntingbc.ca/photos/data/500/Mountain_Lion_Encounter.jpg

David R 1968
10-30-11, 02:14 PM
A drover walks into an outback bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar as he turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then he will close his mouth. After one minute I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the croc's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped!

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and with all his might smacked the crocodile on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his jewels unscathed, as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the man's first free drink was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up...
"I'll do it -- just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Zulu 36
10-30-11, 03:26 PM
x

Ed Palmer
10-31-11, 08:42 AM
Being an old cowboy you would understand. . . .




Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."




CASHIER: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?"




Cowboy: "NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!"

EGTSpec
10-31-11, 06:49 PM
Been around a while but still hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA4HvX_fXUE

awbrown1462
11-01-11, 02:21 PM
TEBOW'S NEXT GAME
http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/ucomics.com/bl111101.gif

Arron Walker
11-02-11, 09:20 AM
By the time a Marine pulled into a small town every hotel room was taken."You got to have a room somewhere or just a bunk I do'nt care where" he told the manager.

"Well' I do have a double room with one occupant a Air Force guy, admitted the manager,and he would be glad to split the cost.But to tell you the truth he snores so loudly the folks in the adjoining rooms have complained.I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No promblem, The Marine assured him, he take the room.The next morning the Marine came down for breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"How was your sleep"asked the manger? "Never better"replied the Marine.No problem with ther other guy snoring?

Nope.."I shut him up in no time said the Marine,How did you manage that?

"He was already snoring away,when I bunked out in the room "the Marine explained, I went over to his bed gave him a kiss on the cheek,and said Goodnight beautiful"The guy never went back to sleep all night he just sat up waching me":banana:

jp2usmc
11-02-11, 09:51 AM
I don't think I'll be spreading that one around, Arron.

Arron Walker
11-02-11, 10:24 AM
:)One night Dave brought home a dozen roses to his wife,
How lovely,Dear "what's the occasion?
I want to make love to you..
"Not tonight dear I have a bit of a headache."
The next night he came home with a box of chocolates and wanted to make love with his wife..
"Not tonight I'am awfully tiried honey..
Every night for a week he brought home something,but each night his wife's answer was No !
Finally he came home with six black kittens and handed them over to his wife.
How adorable she exclaimed! but what are they for?
Her husbun replied,"There six pallbears for your dead pussy"

EGTSpec
11-02-11, 10:32 AM
By the time a Marine pulled into a small town every hotel room was taken."You got to have a room somewhere or just a bunk I do'nt care where" he told the manager.

"Well' I do have a double room with one occupant a Air Force guy, admitted the manager,and he would be glad to split the cost.But to tell you the truth he snores so loudly the folks in the adjoining rooms have complained.I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No promblem, The Marine assured him, he take the room.The next morning the Marine came down for breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"How was your sleep"asked the manger? "Never better"replied the Marine.No problem with ther other guy snoring?

Nope.."I shut him up in no time said the Marine,How did you manage that?

"He was already snoring away,when I bunked out in the room "the Marine explained, I went over to his bed gave him a kiss on the cheek,and said Goodnight beautiful"The guy never went back to sleep all night he just sat up waching me":banana:LOL We actually had a similar problem while I was on Okinawa. Had a guy in the barracks, they were open back then, not individual rooms, who snored like a chain saw. One night he was laying on his back mouth wide open, snoring away, and a half dozen of us stood around his rack with our peckers in our hands, and one guy took a dildo and stuck it in his mouth, pulled it out and hid it. He woke up to see us standing there. We never had another problem from him. :D

Arron Walker
11-02-11, 11:38 AM
LOL We actually had a similar problem while I was on Okinawa. Had a guy in the barracks, they were open back then, not individual rooms, who snored like a chain saw. One night he was laying on his back mouth wide open, snoring away, and a half dozen of us stood around his rack with our peckers in our hands, and one guy took a dildo and stuck it in his mouth, pulled it out and hid it. He woke up to see us standing there. We never had another problem from him. :D

In a world of polictal correcttness it's great to see men who man up and can take a joke-:)

Zebra29er
11-02-11, 02:25 PM
The Priest

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up

Ed Palmer
11-02-11, 02:49 PM
http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/296676_161314870627827_160663154026332_294238_1064 015314_n.jpg

Arron Walker
11-02-11, 03:51 PM
The Priest

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up


LOL...Sweet ! This is the balls! hmmm, Did the two priests and the three altar boys share the same shower with the Good Father and "the cock" just lost his way??:cool:

Arron Walker
11-02-11, 04:49 PM
:tank:
A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
Sweet Ed,But a million bucks is a million bucks...Arron

Ed Palmer
11-03-11, 08:12 AM
The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if

His Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says .... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call

A Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of Red paint,

A small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies .... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,

You paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.


If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',

..........you hit her with the Shovel.

Ed Palmer
11-03-11, 08:21 AM
http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/imagebuzz/web04/2011/10/10/6/moses-meet-steve-jobs-11495-1318242793-1.jpg

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

awbrown1462
11-03-11, 01:03 PM
http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/320090_2323930111166_1637023786_2361283_1092320108 _n.jpg

Ed Palmer
11-03-11, 03:00 PM
THE OUTHOUSE POEM *
(*note: If you don't know what an Out House is - ask someone a little older)




The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

Arron Walker
11-03-11, 03:38 PM
A blonde,wanting to earn some money,decided to hier herself out as a hanyman and started canvassing a weathy neighborhood.She went to the front door of the frist home and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well you can paint my porch.How much will you charge?"The man asked.
The blonde said,How about 50 dollars ?"The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

A short time later the blonde came back to collect her money.
"You're finshed already?he asked."Yes"the blonde answered,and I had to give it two coats.Impressed the man gave her the 50 dollars.

"And by the way ,"the blonde said,"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari"

advanced
11-04-11, 08:17 AM
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland..

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady

of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking
beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub
and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of
my congregation.

Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had
far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did,
they both lost their balance and tumbled to the
floor.
After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well
finish."

David R 1968
11-04-11, 12:27 PM
Childbirth at 65





With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'



'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

awbrown1462
11-04-11, 08:15 PM
http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/374249_243191382405862_100001450069949_698441_1583 31612_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=243191382405862&set=a.139615386096796.30545.100001450069949&type=1&ref=nf)

David R 1968
11-05-11, 05:51 AM
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Ed Palmer
11-05-11, 10:26 AM
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?' http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/93/Onion.jpg/120px-Onion.jpg
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?' http://img3.targetimg3.com/wcsstore/TargetSAS//img/p/13/66/13666038_138x138.jpg
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Ed Palmer
11-05-11, 10:47 AM
http://www.e-forwards.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Grandfather-funny-2.jpeg
A small boy named Little Johnny got lost in the mall…

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

“I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?”

“Grandpa.”

The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.”

Vietvet1968
11-05-11, 01:27 PM
Antonio was on the sidewalk crying and his neighbor saw him & asked what's wrong? He replied, " My best friend just died ". Neighbor ask, " Do you want me to call Father O'Malley for you "? Antonio replies, " Naw, right now the last thing on my mind is sex".

Vietvet1968

David R 1968
11-05-11, 01:44 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday nooner with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
"how do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

rickyracer
11-05-11, 04:05 PM
Ed keep them com'n.