PDA

View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...



Pages : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 [72] 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84

advanced
04-08-11, 08:18 AM
It's in 748 as well. I can see, I can see.

Cpl Heglar
04-08-11, 08:18 AM
Guy walks into a bar cheezin ear to ear, Bartender says Pete you ugly SOB watch you so happy about? Pete stated last night when I went home you know I live by the rail road tracks I found a girl tied up and untied her took her home and she was so grateful we made love all night long.
Top of the Fridge, In front of the Fridge, On the table under the table on the couch, Beside the couch outside in the yard in the sink, car, van motorcycle. You name it we did it!

Best sex I ever had.

Bartender says Pete that is something to be happy about answer me one question.

Was She Pretty?

Pete says...Don't know couldnt find her head.

Ed Palmer
04-08-11, 09:50 AM
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his
Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons
for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of sheit on the end of your driver. "

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which
point the caddy says:

"No, the other end.

David R 1968
04-08-11, 03:17 PM
While checking into the Flamingo on a recent trip to L.V, I said to the gal at the registration desk,
" I hope that the porn channel in my room is disabled".
She responded," No , it's regular porn , you sick bastard "!!

Wrench3516
04-10-11, 10:11 PM
:beer:
RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ******* ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $90.00
Court Costs - $145.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!

Ed Palmer
04-11-11, 10:18 AM
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Ed Palmer
04-11-11, 10:29 AM
Amish Buggy





An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.





"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."




"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."




" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."




"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.




" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.





" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

David R 1968
04-12-11, 12:13 PM
Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (N ative Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are cr azy .

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like t his nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a n ice blend c hili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

David R 1968
04-15-11, 08:52 PM
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'




Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

David R 1968
04-16-11, 09:33 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

David R 1968
04-16-11, 01:59 PM
MALE SENSITIVITY

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “And gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes,” acknowledged the instructor.

”I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??”


--- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught ----

David R 1968
04-17-11, 09:30 AM
MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn

a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!



What is the

difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a

positive side.

Why is the

space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a

waist?
Because you could

easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make

5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on

it.

Why do women

fake orgasms ?
Because they

think men care.

Dave Coup
04-17-11, 09:44 AM
<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>


<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1pt; PADDING-TOP: 1pt" width="100%">






<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>SUM*****!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'


'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>





</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1pt; PADDING-TOP: 1pt" width="100%">
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>









</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>













--

Zebra29er
04-17-11, 11:01 AM
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.


She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.


The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.


"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,


"See honey - its not that hard."

David R 1968
04-17-11, 02:53 PM
MAN JOKES --

If your wife

keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

youdone

wrong?
Made her chain

too long

Why is a

Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a

woman?
Because a woman

who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never

be able to support you.

Why do women

have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those

'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to

the kitchen sink.

Why do men

pass gas more than women?
Because women

can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



If your dog is

barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

thefront door, who

do you let in first ?
The dog, of

course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have

discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive

by90%..
It's called a

Wedding Cake.

Why do men die

before their wives?
They want to.

Knighthawk
04-17-11, 03:01 PM
A Marine and a Soldier are standing next to each other at the urinals. Once they're done the Soldier goes and washes his hands while the Marine just walks out, the Soldier asks him "Don't the Marines teach you to wash your hands after you ****?" The Marine looked at him and said "No, they teach us not to **** on our hands."

Zebra29er
04-18-11, 09:31 AM
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her privates. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with me. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

Ed Palmer
04-18-11, 10:11 AM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

EGTSpec
04-18-11, 10:19 AM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still thereThat'd be funny if the first part hadn't actually happened to me.

Dave Coup
04-18-11, 10:28 AM
<TABLE style="COLOR: black" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0> <TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>
<TABLE style="COLOR: black" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>



Funeral Expenses






Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of




Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack. The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home




for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100".


The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and


ell him they still want Obama flown home.


The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to


get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this


religious country and you would only spend $100?".


One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was


buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply


can't take that risk".








</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Ed Palmer
04-18-11, 03:03 PM
A Nigerian man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.
Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating".

David R 1968
04-20-11, 06:42 PM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

David R 1968
04-21-11, 11:17 AM
Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals,
dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson
from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase
cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to
make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal..

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno
peppers--what you do today, might burn your a** tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."�

David R 1968
04-22-11, 06:51 AM
THE ITALIAN MAN OF THE HOUSE




Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, “The f--kin' funeral director would be my first guess.”

Ed Palmer
04-22-11, 09:06 AM
http://tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:njFWxQtVNjj0mM:http://www.techshout.com/images/condom-happy.jpg

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Heck, it just doesn't get more accurate than that

DrZ
04-22-11, 09:16 AM
There are no honest lawyers!!!

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

DrZ
04-22-11, 09:20 AM
<center>Blond goes flying

</center> A blond went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

DrZ
04-22-11, 09:22 AM
Old is...

"OLD" IS WHEN - Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN - Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN - Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are not sure these are jokes.

David R 1968
04-22-11, 12:38 PM
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

David R 1968
04-22-11, 12:45 PM
Depression




....After both suffering from severe depression,
my wife and I decided to commit suicide yesterday...
Strangely enough after she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better and thought, **** it!
I'll try to make a go of it ....

Ed Palmer
04-22-11, 03:04 PM
5 Amazingly Simple Home Remedies


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Ed Palmer
04-22-11, 03:12 PM
Gotcha


Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my crouch while yelling "Gotcha!" Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

David R 1968
04-22-11, 04:23 PM
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....


On the couch....


Naked.

David R 1968
04-24-11, 08:02 AM
Smart Dad


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You are going to love the Dad's reply:

---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

doc h fmf
04-24-11, 03:52 PM
Here Is A Cute 1 My Daughter Told Me Why Did The Cook Go To Jail?

He Was Caught Beating An Egg

To All My Brothers And Sisters May You And Your Families Have A Happy And Blessed Easter.

Semper Fi And Godbless

Stephen Doc Hansen Hm3 Fmf

Chewey A084739
04-25-11, 09:56 AM
Once upon a time, there was apparently a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. The site hasn't been updated in a couple of years (SPC Schwarz has probably been reassigned to the Pentagon), but it's definitely worth a look.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole ****ing village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “****-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (“Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Zulu 36
04-25-11, 11:23 AM
I've seen Skippy's list before and it's just as funny every time. That guy either was an NCO's nightmare to have or he was the guy who kept morale sky-high.

doc h fmf
04-25-11, 11:55 AM
What Does A Virgin Wear Every Day?
No Nonsense Panty Hoses
Haha
Semper Fi

Stephen Doc Hansen Hm3 Fmf

Cpl Heglar
04-25-11, 12:53 PM
What do you call a West Virginian with a Pig under one arm and a goat under the other?

Bisexual

Ed Palmer
04-26-11, 02:40 PM
Made in Japan


There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

Ed Palmer
04-26-11, 02:42 PM
Groaners


1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Zebra29er
04-26-11, 03:05 PM
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your di*k in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

Zebra29er
04-26-11, 03:07 PM
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

doc h fmf
04-26-11, 10:57 PM
what 3 things on your body dont do what you expect them to do
1 your bell doesnt button
2 your balls dont bounce
3 your cock doesnt crow
4 your pussy doesnt meow

SEMPER FI

STEPHEN DOC HANSEN HM3 FMF

Cpl Heglar
04-27-11, 10:17 AM
A lone voice over a sand dune in Iraq shouted 1 Marine can kill a Platoon of Iraqi soldiers.

Saddam waived his hand and a platoon rushed over the dune and a firefight insued. After a moment of silence the same voice shouted 1 Marine can kill a Battalion of Iraqi soldiers.

Saddam waived his hand and a Battalion of soldiers rushed over the dune to a fierce firefight that raged on toward 30 minutes then silence. The loan voice stated 1 Marine can kill a Brigade of Iraqi Soldiers.

Saddam waived his hand and a Brigade of Iraqi Soldiers rushed over the dune to a battle that lasted over 2 hours then 1 Iraqi Soldier crawled back over the hill and said stop...its a trap....there's 2 of em.

:flag:

David R 1968
04-27-11, 03:56 PM
Is this so wrong?


I saw a one legged Muslim with no arms at the ATM today.
He asked me to check his balance.......
so I pushed the fVcker over

Ed Palmer
04-28-11, 05:23 AM
Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

David R 1968
04-28-11, 12:08 PM
CLASSIC!!


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.


The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.


"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.


The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...........


"Try doing it with the engine running."

David R 1968
04-28-11, 12:11 PM
TEST FOR MEN OVER 50
A study by the University of Hawaii Department of Psychology has determined men over 50 may have difficulty with computer Internet technology. An initial analysis suggests it may be due to brain age, prior alcohol or drug abuse, shrinkage of the Occipital lobes, resulting in the deterioration of concentration and visual impairment requiring an increased need for stronger glasses or contact lenses. The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this Test to help you determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the Test to help you determine if you should consider consulting a professional.

TEST FOR MEN OVER 50
http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf
Repeating the test over and over does not count...... your first try is it !!!

doc h fmf
04-28-11, 01:41 PM
what did one burp say to the other burp?

lets be stinkers and go out the backdoor

SEMPER FI


STEPHEN DOC HANSEN HM3 FMF

Cpl Heglar
04-28-11, 02:15 PM
Mickey Mouse was speaking with his Lawyer about divorcing Minnie. The Lawyer stated you can't divorce Minnie cause she's stupid. Mickey retorted I didn't say she was stupid I said she was fvching Goofey!

David R 1968
04-28-11, 04:26 PM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...

David R 1968
04-30-11, 06:40 AM
Mississippi Debutante Ball

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Italians please!!

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling BLACK officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake.”

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain MARTINO never makes mistakes."

Ed Palmer
04-30-11, 03:40 PM
Have You Heard?
Sergeant Clark was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Rogers noticed that Sergeant Clark had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Clark's sales pitch. Clark explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now", he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

David R 1968
05-01-11, 02:17 PM
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's sh*t... That's right, sh*t!

Sh*t is without question the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke sh*t, buy sh*t, sell sh*t, lose sh*t, find sh*t, forget sh*t, And tell others to eat sh*t.

Some people know their sh*t, while others can't tell the difference
Between sh*t and shinola.

There are lucky sh*ts, dumb sh*ts, and crazy sh*ts.
There is bull sh*t, horse sh*t, and chicken sh*t.

You can throw sh*t, sling sh*t, catch sh*t,
Shoot the sh*t, or duck when the sh*t hits the fan

You can give a sh*t or serve sh*t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep sh*t or be happier than a pig in sh*t.

Some days are colder than sh*t, some days are hotter than sh*t,

And some days are just plain sh*tty.

Some music sounds like sh*t, things can look like sh*t,
And there are times when you feel like sh*t.

You can have too much sh*t, not enough sh*t,
The right sh*t, the wrong sh*t or a lot of weird sh*t.

You can carry sh*t, have a mountain of sh*t,
Or find yourself up sh*t's creek without a paddle.

Sometimes your breath smells like sh*t

Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh*t
And other times you fall in a bucket of sh*t
And come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your sh*t,
You don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a sh*t;
Or not do so if you don't give a sh*t!

Well, Sh*t, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a sh*t
And hope you had a nice day without a bunch of sh*t..
But, if you happened to catch a load of sh*t
From some sh*t-head...........

Well, Sh*t Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SH*TTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN

Oh, and some days you can't sh*t!

Ed Palmer
05-02-11, 12:34 PM
Maids Salary Increase


A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife had no intention of paying more and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’
Maria: ‘Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband say so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.

Maria: ‘The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) ‘Ah! Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Mam… Your driver says’.
Wife: ‘Ok Ok, So how much do you want?’

Ed Palmer
05-02-11, 12:49 PM
Fun Facts

More Fun FactsIn 1836 the U.S. government had so much money that it repaid all its debts, and still had money .
In 1865 opium was grown in the state of Virginia and a product was distilled to 4 percent morphine.
In 1900, coffee was often delivered door-to-door in the United States, by horse-pulled wagons.

Ed Palmer
05-02-11, 12:54 PM
Winter is here!!

Our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. So please go to the pet shop and buy couple of bags of nuts for our feathered friends.

And remember - there is no finer sight than a pair of tits on your nut sack.

(Tit is short for TITMOUSE)
you do know it's a bird dont you?

David R 1968
05-03-11, 06:59 PM
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records
of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day wasn't a good one. "I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the
shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower
and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a
flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by
some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress
got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on
the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled
off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I
looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to
crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by
the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he
directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day
was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."


"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......."

David R 1968
05-04-11, 05:21 PM
The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter:
"I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

Farmer, staring at the reporter said:
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.
But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer, continuing said:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter:
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer:
"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day, and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Ed Palmer
05-05-11, 02:24 PM
http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv39/fullersstuff/FReep/6a00d8341bf80a53ef0120a8d40392970b-800wi.jpg

DanBO
05-06-11, 07:02 AM
Off topic but have you heard about the new bar drink called a Bin Laden?

Two shots and a splash of water!

Ray Merrell
05-06-11, 09:23 AM
These will make you groan!

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from
too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

David R 1968
05-06-11, 02:53 PM
A plane crashed in the middle of rural Tennessee.

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the disaster was clear.

The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?".

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sum***** lies."

David R 1968
05-09-11, 06:32 PM
My New Doctor
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! She could sense I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out myself."
I said, "my wife claims my d*ck tastes funny..."

Ed Palmer
05-10-11, 07:42 AM
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth."

Ed Palmer
05-10-11, 07:51 AM
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your azz hole before prison..................

Ed Palmer
05-10-11, 01:59 PM
Irish Family Tradition


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deep into Paddy's eyes and said, "Your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, ya big Dummy.

Ed Palmer
05-10-11, 02:11 PM
Why British wear Red


A long time ago, when Britain and France were at war. During a battle, the French captured an English major and took him to their headquarters. The French general began to question him. He asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And to this day that is why all French Army officers wear brown pants.

David R 1968
05-10-11, 05:03 PM
Selling my stuff when I die


One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other azzhole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another azzhole?"

Zebra29er
05-12-11, 12:12 PM
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. He started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only if it's raining."

Cpl Heglar
05-12-11, 01:05 PM
A good fellow slips into his bedroom trying not to make any noise in a drunken stupor at 4 a.m. He succeeds in not waking his better half and slips off to sleep. 30 minutes later he is awaken by a tall ghostly figure standing in his bedroom. He jumps up and says who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bedroom. The gentleman says I am Saint Peter and your not in your bedroom.

The guy stammers bbbbuuuttt IIII ammm to to young to die. I have bills young kids you have to send me back. St Peter states I can only send you back as a goat or a hen. 5 seconds later he is pecking on the ground at his neighbors farm when a Rooster struts up beside him and says Hey Hey Hey your the new hen huh. He says apparently so then he gets this awful pain in his stomach and says my God what is that? The rooster said your ovulating your about to lay an egg and ploop there it is.

Well he is overwelmed with the feeling of motherhood and can't beleive he can hardly remember his other life and worries and it happens again. He is happy and not worried about his wife kids or bills.

Then the third egg his wife hits him in the back of the head and screams Pete wake up you are crapping in the bed!

David R 1968
05-12-11, 05:18 PM
Three rotten old Grandmas were sitting
on a bench outside a nursing home when
a Grandpa walked by. And one of the Grandmas yelled out,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can
guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts
and we can tell your exact age..'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove
they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Ed Palmer
05-13-11, 05:26 AM
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.


One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling' here?"





One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling azz-holes."


Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."


Seniors -- don't mess with them!

Marine1955
05-13-11, 11:16 AM
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

Marine1955
05-15-11, 02:34 PM
http://i54.tinypic.com/30aqe8i.jpg

Zebra29er
05-15-11, 08:13 PM
I admit I got this in an email but it made me smile. A few of you come to mind as I read this (not me though)


Drafting men over 60----this is funny &
obviously written by a Former Soldier-

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too
old to track down terrorists. You can't be older
than 42 to join the military. They've got the
whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us
old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think
about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think
about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us
more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to
concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be
cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous
soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm
tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some idiot that desperately
deserves it will make us feel better and shut us
up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up
before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to
pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up,
I may as well be up killing some fanatical
son-of-a-bitach.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because
we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name,
rank, and serial number would be a real
brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're
used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're
used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for
years as an excuse to get out of the house.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course
however. I've been in combat and didn't see a
single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of
energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a
bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start up a
conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at
home to learn a little more about life before
sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
coward Muslim terrorists. The last thing an
enemy would want to see is a couple of million
pi&&ed off old fools with attitudes and
automatic weapons who know that their best years
are already behind them..

How about recruiting Women over 50 ......in
menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh
my God! If nothing else, put them on border
patrol.... They'll have it secured the first
night! (And we won't have to hear "Press 1 for
English" anymore).

Zebra29er
05-16-11, 06:46 PM
Hard liquor


Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Larry. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests,
'Let's name our Larry�s after a soft drink, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.'

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, 'Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry " 7 Up" because he has 7" and it's always up!'

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, 'I'm gonna name my Larry "Mountain Dew" because he can mount and do me any day of the week.'

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, 'You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry "Jack Daniels".'

The other two ladies shout in unison, "'Jack Daniels"? That's not a soft drink... that's a hard liquor!'

The third lady replies, 'That's my Larry!'

Ed Palmer
05-17-11, 08:55 AM
A little Boy visits a ***** house

A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep of a ***** house and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said, "No!"

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door!

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will
then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to
bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
son-of-a-bitoch who ran over my FROG!"

Ed Palmer
05-17-11, 10:19 AM
Have You Heard?
An explosion killed a wild-living Navy boilerman and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.
"You like this?", Satan asked. "Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn`t even broken a sweat. "I like this kind of weather", he told Satan.
For the next few days in a row, Satan again turned up the heat, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. Finally, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off. Icicles formed in the sailor`s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from the sailor. "It`s FREEZING in here!" "Well, I`m from Denver," said the sailor. "And evidently the Broncos just won the Super Bowl!"

Zebra29er
05-17-11, 12:39 PM
The Recession has hit everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen..

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

David R 1968
05-17-11, 12:52 PM
History of the condom
In 1572, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Marine1955
05-19-11, 01:21 PM
Baby Arnold


http://i52.tinypic.com/mkiwjd.jpg

Ed Palmer
05-19-11, 02:12 PM
I was eating lunch on February 20th with my 7-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"

He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc .

He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White
House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

Ed Palmer
05-19-11, 02:20 PM
Baby Arnold


http://i52.tinypic.com/mkiwjd.jpg



Here is the real baby Arnold
http://savagelight.com/sherdog/BabyAhnold.jpg

EGTSpec
05-20-11, 09:04 AM
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/364881.full.gif (http://comics.com/bound_and_gagged/2011-05-20/)

David R 1968
05-20-11, 03:43 PM
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM


I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weight ?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, " Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I was only 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told
me that it was very high.

"Of course it"s high" I screamed, When I came in
here I was tall and slender! Now I"m short and fat

She put me on prozac.
What A *****.

Ed Palmer
05-20-11, 04:03 PM
You can do this. I DID!!!!!


CHECK FOR ALZHEIMER'S - PRETTY AMAZING

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5.. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I bet you you cannot resist passing this on to any other friends.

Marine1955
05-21-11, 10:23 PM
ED please come get your girl friend and take her back home, shes a kissing fool.

http://i54.tinypic.com/1oofuw.jpg

David R 1968
05-22-11, 03:18 PM
Why Beer Is Better Than Women

A Beer Is Always Wet

Beer Looks The Same In The Morning

Beer “goes Down” Easy

A Beer Does Not Change It’s Mind After You Get The Top Off

When You Change Beer, You Don’t Have To Pay Alimony

You Can Have A Beer All Month Long

You Can Share A Beer With Your Friends

Hang Overs Go Away

Zebra29er
05-23-11, 11:48 AM
3 Kids Fishin'.

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.








The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning.'

Ed Palmer
05-23-11, 11:59 AM
http://i55.tinypic.com/f3c1o6.jpg

EGTSpec
05-24-11, 05:24 PM
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor
Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should
yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

Cpl Heglar
05-25-11, 07:56 AM
I hate crapping first thing in the morning!

Makes my arse feel like chit the rest of the day!

Cpl Kevin D. Heglar

David R 1968
05-25-11, 10:31 AM
This guy was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the
front door. There was a county sheriff’s deputy standing there.
The man asked the deputy if there was a problem. The deputy sheriff
asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife.
The guy says "Sure," and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's
been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, and
is a real good cook too."

Cpl Heglar
05-25-11, 10:45 AM
Me phone and USNAviator was walking in the desert and got tired of walking. We each decided to buy a camel and take turns riding. The Camel salemen stated that it was a special camel that was trained to walk to the next watering hole and stop and drink but if he did not drink someone should rub his testicles to make him relax and drink.

The camel done great taking us to 3 watering holes and at the fourth did not drink, I proceeded to do the task at hand and he drank the water and continued to the next hole. Then he did not drink and it was Dan's turn. The camel walked 4 miles at the next watering hole he did not drink and Phone stated guess its my turn.

He rubbed and massaged and the camel did not drink so Phone told Dan to hold his head under water he was going to try something.

After his head was fully submerged Phone started sucking the camels butt and looked around and said

"Hey Dan pick his head up I'm getting a little bit of mud"

S/F Kev

USNAviator
05-25-11, 11:16 AM
Me phone and USNAviator was walking in the desert and got tired of walking. We each decided to buy a camel and take turns riding. The Camel salemen stated that it was a special camel that was trained to walk to the next watering hole and stop and drink but if he did not drink someone should rub his testicles to make him relax and drink.

The camel done great taking us to 3 watering holes and at the fourth did not drink, I proceeded to do the task at hand and he drank the water and continued to the next hole. Then he did not drink and it was Dan's turn. The camel walked 4 miles at the next watering hole he did not drink and Phone stated guess its my turn.

He rubbed and massaged and the camel did not drink so Phone told Dan to hold his head under water he was going to try something.

After his head was fully submerged Phone started sucking the camels butt and looked around and said

"Hey Dan pick his head up I'm getting a little bit of mud"

S/F Kev



Good one Kevin........:D. Think Phone will get it????:banana:

Cpl Heglar
05-25-11, 11:22 AM
Highly doubtful Dan I hear he has no sense of humor being a Atheistic Communistic Fruitlovingplistic Dramaloving queen that he is.

Ed Palmer
05-25-11, 12:29 PM
Good one Kevin........:D. Think Phone will get it????:banana:

It's proably over his head.

ggyoung
05-25-11, 12:56 PM
I hate crapping first thing in the morning!

Makes my arse feel like chit the rest of the day!

Cpl Kevin D. Heglar

What is this Marine Corps coming too now. I thought that when you made Cpl. you would know how to wipe your butt.

David R 1968
05-25-11, 05:18 PM
An old guy … ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"


The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

David R 1968
05-26-11, 12:46 PM
HEALTH MESSAGE:
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.
AND
YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

David R 1968
05-26-11, 12:51 PM
Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed
the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass
surgery.


He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic
Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for
his treatment.


"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.


He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are
married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

giveen
05-26-11, 07:32 PM
A great Marine humor comic from the point of a infantry lance corporal
terminallance. com

Marine1955
05-26-11, 10:12 PM
Farrington goes to the Post Office to apply for a job and the interviewer says, "Were you in the service?"
Farrington says, "Yeah, I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "Are you disabled?"
Farrington says, "Yeah, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off. I'm on a hundred per-cent disability."
The interviewer says, "Okay, you're hired. The hours are eight to four, and you can start tomorrow. Come in at ten o'clock."
Farrington says, "If the hours are eight to four, why do you want me to come in at ten?"
The interviewer says, "This is a government job. For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Marine1955
05-26-11, 10:14 PM
Rosegarten walks into Barnes & Noble and says to the girl behind the counter, "Do you have the new book for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."
She says, "I don't think it's in yet."
Rosegarten says, "That's it. I'll take one."

Marine1955
05-26-11, 10:33 PM
Friedman & Sabean are sitting on a dock fishing. Sabean reaches into his bait box, takes out a piece of bait, sniffs it, puts it on his hook, throws his line in the water, and pulls in a fish. He reaches into his bait box, takes out a piece of bait, sniffs it, puts it on his hook, throws his line in the water, and pulls in a fish.
After a while Friedman says, "Wait one frigging minute. You reach into your bait box, take out a piece of bait, sniff it, put it on your hook, throw your line in the water, and pull in a fish, fish after fish after fish. I'm sitting here right next to you, and I haven't got a frigging' nibble. What the hell are you using for bait?"
Sabean says, "Well, I'm a little embarrassed. I've got a friend who's an undertaker, and he sells me pussies to use as bait. I put them on my hook and the fish can't resist them."
Friedman says, "I can understand that. But why do you keep sniffing them?"
Sabean says, "Well, he's a low-life bastard, and every once in a while he slips in a few azzholes."

Ed Palmer
05-27-11, 05:48 AM
The Old Sailor & the Working Girl



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?’ he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

EGTSpec
05-27-11, 06:26 AM
Wife Leaving

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

EGTSpec
05-27-11, 06:28 AM
Pay by Inch

Three men decide to end their evening out at a brothel. When they get there, they notice a sign in the lobby that says “$20 an Inch”. The three men make their arrangements with the madam and left to accompany their “dates” to their rooms. Some time later two of the men meet again in the lobby.
The first asks the other how much he paid. With some pride the man answered “$160, how about you.
The first man responded with a sympathetic smile, “$200”.
When the third friend joined them he was asked the same question, to which he replied “$40”.
Incredulous, they both told him how much they paid and asked him how he managed to pay only $40.
“Easy”, he said. “I paid on the way out”

EGTSpec
05-27-11, 06:29 AM
Classic Psychiatrist Joke

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, “Well...I can clearly see your nuts!”

David R 1968
05-27-11, 07:13 AM
A blonde drops off her
black dress at the cleaners.
On the way out the door
the lady at the counter
says "Come Again."

The blonde says "no its toothpaste
this time.

EGTSpec
05-27-11, 07:36 AM
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/31024.full.gif (http://comics.com/farcus/2011-05-27/)

David R 1968
05-27-11, 11:33 AM
GOLF PANTIES

*The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
any.'****
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..' * * **
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed
Virgin Mary, woman! You've no k nick ers Why not?' * *
**She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's
a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"! **
**Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She
too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any'** **
**The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'*

EGTSpec
05-28-11, 07:29 AM
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_comic/73.logo.large.gif by Dave Whamond
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/img/v1/bg.email.strip_container.top.gif

http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/366041.full.gif (http://comics.com/reality_check/2011-05-28/)

Ed Palmer
05-31-11, 07:14 AM
Thomas Jefferson and his pals could never have envisioned this legal battle when they wrote the Bill of Rights: Does the First Amendment cover a street vendor's right to sell condoms in wrappers bearing the president's image?

José Andujar, 43, was busted last Friday in Times Square for selling his "Obama" condoms -- his third arrest in a year for unlicensed peddling, cops said.

The arrest came despite a State Supreme Court justice ruling that his rubbers are protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech. The decision said that the condom wrappers should be treated like books, which do not require a vending license.


RUN FOR COVER: The city keeps busting the vendor of these condoms.The city vowed to continue to bust Andujar pending the outcome of an appeal.

Andujar titillates tourists with his slick sales pitch: "It's the election, erection for your protection" and "It's the ultimate stimulus package for hard times."

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/condom_merchant_penile_ized_bOwkthqn1XeRHYKWnNvZDP #ixzz1NvoYJzas

http://www.nypost.com/rw/nypost/2011/05/31/news/web_photos/obama_condoms--300x300.jpg

David R 1968
05-31-11, 03:13 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack .

In time, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock....

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Soooooo… Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Cpl Heglar
05-31-11, 03:19 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack .

In time, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock....

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Soooooo… Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Thanks I needed that.

David R 1968
05-31-11, 03:34 PM
BE SURE YOU LOCK Your
DOORS AND WINDOWS!

A New Hampshire man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his ars.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

Ed Palmer
06-01-11, 07:19 AM
For those that know her this was proably
Marine 84

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/26554192/LittleOldLadyimage001.jpg

David R 1968
06-01-11, 08:52 AM
Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some
new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache.'


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Ed Palmer
06-01-11, 01:40 PM
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llq4k9Dm6L1qb2413o1_500.jpg

jumpinjack
06-01-11, 02:34 PM
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/31024.full.gif (http://comics.com/farcus/2011-05-27/)
Thanks for thinking of me.

David R 1968
06-02-11, 12:09 PM
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

Ed Palmer
06-02-11, 02:29 PM
Carnation Milk Is Best Of All...
Carnation milk - 65 YEARS AGO .. This is PRICELESS. A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house. A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'



http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7MjzVIjPjc8/SxfL3plVHUI/AAAAAAAAB0E/udpRfovyevA/s400/carnation_milk.jpg

David R 1968
06-03-11, 07:42 AM
THE HISTORY OF PROFILING

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo . He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

David R 1968
06-04-11, 06:52 AM
The meaning of life in 13 words.......

" Inside every older person is
a younger person wondering
what the f*ck happened".

Zebra29er
06-05-11, 08:48 PM
P*ssy Tricks on a Train

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my p*ssy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this! I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the p*ssy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder p*ssy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the p*ssy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Marine1955
06-06-11, 11:03 AM
The meaning of life in 13 words.......

" Inside every older person is
a younger person wondering
what the f*ck happened".


ain't that the truth....

David R 1968
06-06-11, 11:30 AM
Question:
What do you get when you mix
PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy wife who will
find you any place you go.

Ed Palmer
06-06-11, 07:15 PM
In honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been created.
Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:
"Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff."

David R 1968
06-07-11, 06:33 AM
Irish golfer


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Ed Palmer
06-07-11, 05:31 PM
THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon
one Saturday night recognized an
elderly man standing at the bar who,
in his day, had been the fastest gun
in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him of his great ambition to be
a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he
asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one
thing, you're wearing your gun too
high - tie the holster a little
lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better
gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

the young man did as he was told,
stood up, whipped out his .44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano
player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy.
'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a
notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it - that’ll give you
a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better
gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the
old-timer.

The young man took out his knife,
cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, and then shot a
cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm
learnin' somethin' here. Got any
more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can
in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your
gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the
grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean
smear it all over the gun, handle
and all.'

'Will that make me a better
gunfighter?' asked the young man..

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when
Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up
your a,ss, and it won't hurt as much.

Ed Palmer
06-07-11, 06:28 PM
Joke of the day!


Barack Obama was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo. Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Obama says to the chauffeur, 'You get out and check, you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Obama.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Obama.

The chauffeur replies, 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Obama.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Barack Obama's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass."


Tom Himsel
Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder &
your hand over my mouth!

David R 1968
06-07-11, 08:21 PM
Goin' Fishin

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said "What'cha goin to do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it!"

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother, sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand, right in the middle of the big field.

He yells out to his brother, "What'cha doin?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin! What does it look like I'm a doin?"

His brother yells back "It's people like you that gives people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is STUPID!"..............
"If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ars!"

David R 1968
06-08-11, 05:55 AM
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting
depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,'
he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Rob Parry
06-08-11, 02:50 PM
Not a joke as such, but.....

From a Washington Post headline.

"Weiner probed by house members."

Now that has to be painful, probably illegal and definitely kinky. What are those politicians up to?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/weiner-probed-by-house-members/2011/06/08/AGIphxLH_video.html

hbharrison
06-08-11, 09:14 PM
OH Rob nice one, but one should not play around when ones last name is Weiner.

Ed Palmer
06-10-11, 11:53 AM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to
marry her right away.**

*She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other..'*

*He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as
we go along.'*

*So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a
honeymoon at a very nice resort.*

*One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off
of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two
and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike
position, at which point he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.*

*After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down
on the towel.*

*She said, 'That was incredible!'*

*He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'*

*So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.*

*After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.*

*He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?'*

*'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked
both sides of the River"

Ed Palmer
06-12-11, 01:58 PM
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice

awbrown1462
06-13-11, 10:43 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

awbrown1462
06-13-11, 10:44 PM
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

awbrown1462
06-13-11, 10:45 PM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Rob Parry
06-14-11, 04:00 PM
Before buying your bicycle make sure the saddle is the correct colour.



http://watercoolerlaughs.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/asian-bike-penis.jpeg

Ed Palmer
06-16-11, 04:35 PM
A balding, white haired man from Chewbacca Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile

David R 1968
06-17-11, 06:20 AM
Three Men Were Sitting Directly Behind A Bunch Of Nuns, Their Habits Were Partially Blocking The View, The Men Decided To Badger The Nuns Hoping That They'd Get Annoyed Enough To Move To Another Area.

In A Very Loud Voice, The First Guy Said,

"i Think I'm Going To Move To Utah . There Are Only 100 Nuns Living There."

Then The Second Guy Spoke Up And Said,
"i Want To Go To Montana . There Are Only 5o Nuns Living There."

The Third Guy Said,
"i Want To Go To Idaho . There Are Only 25 Nuns Living There."

The Mother Superior Turned Around, Looked At The Men, And In A Very Sweet And Calm Voice Said,

"why Don't You Go To H E L L... There Aren't Any Nuns There.

Marine1955
06-18-11, 01:05 PM
Before buying your bicycle make sure the saddle is the correct colour.



http://watercoolerlaughs.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/asian-bike-penis.jpeg


Now That's Funny hahahahahahahaha.

EGTSpec
06-18-11, 06:19 PM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmplu/2011/tmplu110618.gif (http://www.mycomicspage.com/pluggers/2011/06/18/)

Marine1955
06-19-11, 01:35 PM
Pussy Tricks

Ed is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Ed and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this! I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Ed, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Ed stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Ed moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Ed replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Ed Palmer
06-19-11, 03:47 PM
Pussy Tricks

Ed is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Ed and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented. Watch this! I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Ed, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Ed stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Ed moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Ed replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

And why are you picking on today?

Chewey A084739
06-19-11, 05:26 PM
http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/262193_200841899962636_100001104818789_562797_1051 10_n.jpg

That first step is a doozy

EGTSpec
06-19-11, 07:43 PM
http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/262193_200841899962636_100001104818789_562797_1051 10_n.jpg

That first step is a doozyNever get tired of that news article. LOL

Ed Palmer
06-20-11, 07:22 AM
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had
the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're
pulling my leg."

David R 1968
06-20-11, 04:36 PM
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

David R 1968
06-20-11, 04:51 PM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked wherehe is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night? The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Ed Palmer
06-21-11, 01:11 PM
Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300 , and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'

Luiggi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do, But how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. .. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luiggi gasps, 'Thanka God ....

I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes......................!

David R 1968
06-21-11, 06:03 PM
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke..
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A 26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music..
is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

MOS4429
06-21-11, 07:33 PM
To Whom Does The Land of Israel Belong?

An Israeli Sense of Humor at UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:

When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'

The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech...'

David R 1968
06-22-11, 07:00 AM
There was a knock on the door this morning.I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."I said "Come in and sit down."I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"He said, "Beats the s h i t out of me, I've never gotten this far be

Marine1955
06-22-11, 01:36 PM
Amazing Magic


<object width="640" height="510">


<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/GCm4r0F0tts?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="510"></object>

David R 1968
06-23-11, 06:08 AM
The Golfer
A golfer hits his ball in to a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says,

'Don't you see the sign. It says private property, stay out.’
The golfer says; ‘I am sorry, I did not see it,

That is my ball there, may I have it?’
The man says; ‘it’s in my yard, so it is my ball now.’
The golfer looks at the man and says; ‘I understand.’
He takes another golf ball and throws it in the yard.
The man says; ‘What is that for?’
The golfer says, ‘I'm a gentleman.

Every P r i c k should have two balls.

David R 1968
06-23-11, 10:21 AM
NORWEGIAN VIRGIN

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth ...

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: “Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena ......still in DA CRATE!”

David R 1968
06-23-11, 10:22 AM
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Zebra29er
06-23-11, 12:10 PM
The difference explained


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

David R 1968
06-23-11, 03:15 PM
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?





Sum Ting Wong

EGTSpec
06-24-11, 09:43 PM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/crfr/2011/crfr110622.gif (http://www.mycomicspage.com/freerange/2011/06/22/)

David R 1968
06-25-11, 07:06 AM
Fred is at the office every day and works overtime, but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him
to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Fred. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that
you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts
to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club...

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Fred, you picked up a real b i t c h this time.'

Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.

EGA1957
06-25-11, 02:23 PM
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, enlisted in the Marines.

On his first day in basic training, the Marine Corps issued him a comb.

That afternoon the base barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, he was issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Navy dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, he issued him a jock strap.

The MPs have been looking for Herman for 51 years. <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

Ed Palmer
06-26-11, 08:38 AM
http://bigrab.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/farside.jpg


http://i56.tinypic.com/2rm5mxi.gif

Marine1955
06-26-11, 07:27 PM
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, my friend Ed decided to have this next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco. He heard the nurses are beautiful and allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said Ed.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Zebra29er
06-27-11, 11:22 AM
Leroy

At a revival the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.

EGA1957
06-27-11, 04:27 PM
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired Marine in his late seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old salt replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

David R 1968
06-27-11, 06:51 PM
Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,
it's now $150."

David R 1968
06-27-11, 06:53 PM
A tough looking group of bikers were riding towards Nashville when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stop.
The group leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked .

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!!
So then he asked,
"Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

David R 1968
06-28-11, 06:21 AM
A salesman

goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.









It's opened by a little ten year-old boy

who has a lighted






cigar in one hand, a

glass of whiskey in the other and a






Penthouse magazine

tucked under his arm.











Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad

home?"









Little boy: "What the hell do you

think?"

David R 1968
06-28-11, 03:43 PM
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are,
the more excited your
dogs are to see you.




2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.




3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.







4. A dog's parents never visit.







5. Dogs agree that you
have to raise your voice
to get your point across.







6. You never have to
wait for a dog;they're ready to go
24 hours a day.







7. Dogs find you amusing
when you're drunk.







8. Dogs like to go hunting
and fishing.







9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died,
would you get another dog?"









10. If a dog has babies,
you can put an ad in the
paper and give them away.







11. A dog will let you put
a studded collar on it
without calling you a pervert.




12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad.
They just think it's interesting.




13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:






14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your
dog in the garage for an hour.

Then open it and see who's
happy to see you.

EGTSpec
06-28-11, 07:37 PM
Two dogs are chasing another dog. They run miles through thickets, swollen rivers, muddy fields, up and down hills, through briars, and over and under fences. Finally winded, one turns and says to the other, "Isn't this a b!tch?" and the other turns to him and says, "It better be".

David R 1968
06-29-11, 06:03 AM
The guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.'guaranteed' weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

oldtop
06-29-11, 02:42 PM
The health system in a nutshell




The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,


"Hello."

"Mrs Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,

a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's

and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will pay for these expensive tests only once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Help desk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town..

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

David R 1968
06-29-11, 04:39 PM
The drunk gets up from his bar stool and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. Another loud scream reverberates through the bar a few moments later .

Gary the bar's owner quickly goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells' "You're scaring the hell out of all my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"

Gary opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

EGA1957
06-29-11, 10:23 PM
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

David R 1968
06-30-11, 06:00 AM
Woman Drivers!




This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.




In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my cell phone was knocked away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins. It ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.







Damn women drivers!!!

oldtop
06-30-11, 08:49 AM
S H I T! NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT!


Use it all to frequently? Be glad its ok after all!!

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!



Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow High In Transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.




Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

Marine1955
06-30-11, 11:10 AM
Disappearing Car , Funny !!



<object width="853" height="510"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/LfxVR9hXiIM?version=3&amp;hl=en_US&amp;rel=0&amp;hd=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/LfxVR9hXiIM?version=3&amp;hl=en_US&amp;rel=0&amp;hd=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="853" height="510" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>

David R 1968
06-30-11, 01:33 PM
HOW TO START A FIGHT


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Ed Palmer
07-01-11, 12:42 PM
THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH



A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.




There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.




There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.




If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.




Onced and Twiced are words.




It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!




Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?




People actually grow,eat and like okra.




Fixinto is one word. It means: I'm going to do that.




There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.




Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.




Backwards and forwards means: I know everything about you.




The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'




You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.




You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.




Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.




All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.




You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.




You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.




The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.




You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.




You know what a hissy fit is..




Fried catfish is the other white meat.




We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!




You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

David R 1968
07-01-11, 06:49 PM
A teacher asks a student to use "handsome" in a sentence.
A GIRL NAMED Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye!

EGTSpec
07-01-11, 07:06 PM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/crfr/2011/crfr110627.gif (http://www.mycomicspage.com/freerange/2011/06/27/)

David R 1968
07-02-11, 05:03 AM
There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one wiener leaner

Ed Palmer
07-02-11, 03:03 PM
http://3gold.com/pictures/Funny-Cartoons/10.jpg

http://3gold.com/pictures/Funny-Cartoons/8.jpg

David R 1968
07-03-11, 05:23 AM
Leroy and Earl are quietly sitting on a Park Bench in Newark ,
chewing tobacco telling jokes when suddenly Leroy says,
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife
- she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits on the grass, takes a long pause, purses his lips and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

Rob Parry
07-03-11, 02:33 PM
http://pukepigs.com/pictures/images/Kopi%20av%20taliban_youarehere.jpg

Rob Parry
07-03-11, 02:37 PM
http://www.almostaproverb.com/osama/virgins.jpg

Zulu 36
07-03-11, 02:46 PM
http://www.almostaproverb.com/osama/virgins.jpg

Damn, Rob. That looks like some of the girls that live around me (I live in the Florida sticks).

Rob Parry
07-03-11, 03:10 PM
It says nothing in The Koran about the virgins being female. :D

Marine1955
07-03-11, 07:02 PM
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td colspan="2"> Don't fart in Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly
farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her -


Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"









</td> </tr> <tr><td colspan="2"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2"> </td></tr></tbody></table>

Marine1955
07-03-11, 07:22 PM
Jeff Dunham

<object width="640" height="510"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/4pb6RFbRxeg?version=3&amp;hl=en_US&amp;rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/4pb6RFbRxeg?version=3&amp;hl=en_US&amp;rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="640" height="510" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>

David R 1968
07-04-11, 08:51 AM
An Iowa farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's and knocked on the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $100 for the bull,
$50 for the dog and $20 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Ed Palmer
07-05-11, 05:29 AM
A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says "Holy Cow, how should I know?"

awbrown1462
07-05-11, 06:38 AM
why the army is in trouble

http://l.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/15lModRk.wdNMSbpSivPXg--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7Zmk9aW5zZXQ7aD01NjU7cT04NTt3PTQwOQ--/http://media.zenfs.com/en_us/News/ucomics.com/db110703.jpg

Rob Parry
07-05-11, 01:12 PM
http://www.toonpool.com/user/8878/files/camping_taliban_862165.jpg




http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_XBcVB7CTPCM/TChe0_YAzzI/AAAAAAAAC-Y/lF5Hvngh1Q8/s400/taliban.bmp

Rob Parry
07-05-11, 01:21 PM
http://iranpoliticsclub.net/cartoons/islam/images/Burqah%20Snow%20White%20&%207%20Taliban_jpg.jpg

David R 1968
07-05-11, 06:58 PM
Six retired POLISH Michigan fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Stemple loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.


Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Zrepskey looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Kazmierski picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.


"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Kazmierski goes over to the Stemple's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Kazmierski declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Kazmierski.

David R 1968
07-07-11, 06:30 AM
Oil change instructions for women:

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.



2. Drink a cup of coffee.



3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent:


Oil Change:$24.00


Coffee: Complementary


TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:



1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.



2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.



3. Open a beer and drink it.



4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



7. Place drain pan under engine.



8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9. Give up and use crescent wrench.



10. Unscrew drain plug.



11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.



12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.



14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off..



16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.



18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



19. Remember drain plug from step 11.



20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



21. Drink beer.



22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.



23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.



24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.



25. Begin cussing fit.



26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.



27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.



28. Beer.



29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



30. Beer.



31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



32. Beer.



33. Lower truck from jack stands.



34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.



35. Beer.



36. Test drive truck.



37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.



38. truck gets impounded.



39. Call loving wife, make bail.



40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.





Money spent:


Parts: $50.00


DUI: $2,500.00


Impound fee: $75.00


Bail: $1,500.00


Beer: $20.00


TOTAL: $4,145.00



But you know the job was done right!

David R 1968
07-08-11, 07:14 AM
Urgent Warning for Tomorrow
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TOMORROW.

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL SEXY, GOOD LOOKING "OLD" PEOPLE.

I'M JUST POSTING THIS TO SAY GOODBYE.

I'VE GOT TO GO PACK.

Ed Palmer
07-09-11, 05:25 AM
Oh Oh!
Sensitive husband

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says 'sure' and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy says, 'I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.'

The guy says,' I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.'

David R 1968
07-10-11, 08:53 AM
WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,
and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...


Sorry....





I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that s h i t .

Never mind.

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 09:34 AM
You pick up a beautiful, young, well endowed hitchhiker.
She suddenly faints in your car and you rush her to the hospital.

Now that's Stressful

But at the hospital they tell you she is pregnant and congratulate you on your upcoming fatherhood. You swear you are not the father but the young lady says you are.

Now it is really getting stressful

So then --you request a DNA test to prove you are not the father.

After the tests are completed the doctor tells you that you are infertile and probably have been since birth.

Now you are extremely stressed, but relieved.

On your way home you think about your three kids.

NOW THAT IS STRESS!

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 09:37 AM
A controlled burn is kinda like a controlled fart, it can turn to crap pretty quick!!

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 09:47 AM
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 09:49 AM
Guy walks into a bar and says line me up 12 cold ones, anything but budweiser. bartender lines em up, and after about three, gets curious and asks why anything but bud? Man says last night he drank 12 bud's and went home and blew chunks. Barkeep shrugs and says, hell, 12 buds and most folks would do the same. Guy says no, you dont understand, chunks is my dog!

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 09:52 AM
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the charity shop. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".
Well, she didn't actually put it like that... she actually said...









wait for it
.

.



"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 09:59 AM
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville .... They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Odessa , Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas ...

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm a Democrat," "Amnesty for Illegals," "I love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama, " George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012"
And... "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
God Bless Texas !

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 10:10 AM
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER!!

A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..




They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his apartment.



She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.




There are three shelves in the bedroom,





With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed



In rows, covering the entire wall!




It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them



And she was immediately touched




By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.




There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,




Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,




And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy



To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,




She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.



But doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,



After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,




'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'




She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips






He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds,



And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom



Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,



More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.




After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,


They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,


'Well, how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her,




Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:






'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 10:15 AM
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you, you jack-[censored], show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 10:20 AM
Why didn't Obama Think of this?



A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan .
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Ed Palmer
07-10-11, 10:27 AM
The Muslims aren't happy

They're not happy in Gaza.

They're not happy in Egypt.

They're not happy in Libya.

They're not happy in Morocco.

They're not happy in Iran.

They're not happy in Iraq.

They're not happy in Yemen.

They're not happy in Afghanistan.

They're not happy in Pakistan.

They're not happy in Syria.

They're not happy in Lebanon.

And where are they happy?

They're happy in England.

They're happy in France.

They're happy in Italy.

They're happy in Germany.

They're happy in Sweden.

They're happy in the USA.

They're happy in Norway.

They're happy in ISRAEL.

They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.

Not their leadership.

Not themselves.

THEY BLAME ISRAEL & THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.


Would be funny if it were not true.

David R 1968
07-11-11, 09:43 AM
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different in reverse?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No golf clubs... I hear a 3 iron works well.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England... but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
(Does she have to be a mermaid?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.

(Is this a great country or what?)

(Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!

David R 1968
07-12-11, 06:20 AM
From a Teacher -- short and to the point!

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement...

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

Chewey A084739
07-13-11, 12:55 PM
http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/269558_253104324706601_100000211052921_1249341_700 4468_n.jpg



10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog


1.) If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2.) No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3.) Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4.) Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5.) No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6.) Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7.) You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8.) No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9.) It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10.) Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Wrench3516
07-13-11, 03:10 PM
:beer:

<HR>i can hardly wait

January 2013

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looks at the man and says, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man says, "Okay", and walks away.

The following day, the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again tells the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanks him and, again, just walks away.

The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine (understandably agitated at this point), looks at the man and says, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here! Don't you understand?"

The old man looks at the Marine and says, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing you say it."

The Marine paused for a couple of seconds, then snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "See you tomorrow, Sir!

David R 1968
07-13-11, 03:39 PM
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE..... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

David R 1968
07-15-11, 02:05 PM
YEEHAAA!!!
A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came
along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode
off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Marine1955
07-15-11, 07:47 PM
<object height="510" width="853">


<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/vJCZVcCQR3E?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="510" width="853">very funny
</object>

David R 1968
07-16-11, 06:13 AM
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a s s kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bull s h i t and A s s kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

EGTSpec
07-16-11, 09:06 AM
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a s s kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bull s h i t and A s s kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'ROFLMFAO!! I had to send that one to my Boss!!! :sick: I hope he has a sense of humor.:scared:

Rob Parry
07-16-11, 09:33 AM
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a twenty hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her bag and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great. That's REALLY great!! Some arsehole's got my pen!

EGTSpec
07-16-11, 10:04 AM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmplu/2011/tmplu110716.gif (http://www.mycomicspage.com/pluggers/2011/07/16/)

Marine1955
07-17-11, 06:06 PM
An Excellent Oh $hit Moment !!!


<object height="510" width="853">


<embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/plYuZb1VbfY?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="510" width="853"></object>

Marine1955
07-17-11, 11:08 PM
Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.
Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news........ we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal,
consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.

Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but
left wings and chicken ****.

Just keeping you up to date.

hbharrison
07-18-11, 03:07 AM
Saw a bumper sticker the other day saying that Weiner was runing for president and that Holder was going to be his vice-president. Stick read vote the Weiner/Holder.

Ed Palmer
07-18-11, 08:57 AM
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes..

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.


As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,


While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card.


This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week.

You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one
unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Ed Palmer
07-18-11, 08:59 AM
eBay Scam


Be careful what you purchase on eBay
Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don't use in the sunlight.

The next day I bought a new Computer
The 'Perfect Password'
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the Appropriate
>point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter
>a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather
>amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his
>wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
>made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter
>out loud as he typed:
>P...E.....N. ...I...S
>His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
>
>
>**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

David R 1968
07-18-11, 10:39 AM
Green Bay Packers Question





After the Packers v. Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent
Edwards.

During the Packers v. Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia

quarterback Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick

and another backup was needed.

After the Packers v. Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers v. Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach, Mike Singletary,

was fired and replaced.

During the Bears playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler

and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string

quarterback Caleb Hanie.


Question:

Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

Marine1955
07-18-11, 12:24 PM
One morning this one eyed Blind man walks by a pet store and there's a Parrot in the shop he looks at it and as soon as he does the Parrot says F*ck you one eyed blind man.



The blind man stops and can't believe his ears. he walks back an says what did you say and the parrot says F*ck you one eyed blind man


Mad the man says don't say that,that is bad and as soon as he turns to walk away the parrot says F*ck you one eyed blind man.



Again he stops and walks back and say don't say that again or I'll pull your feathers off.

and as he turns to leave he hears the Parrot say again F*ck you one eyed blind man!



so the man walks back a said I told you I was going to pull your feathers out if you said that again so the old man pulled out the Parrots feathers


After pulling them all out he turns back and say not don't say that again or I'll cut your tongue out.
and as soon as he turn around to leave he hears it again.


F*ckyou one eyed blind man

Mad as hell he walks back and says I told you what I was going to do so the old man cut out his tongue. and said with confidence now you can't say that anymore and he turn to walk away and as he went to the door he looked back and this is what he saw...

http://i56.tinypic.com/25sn0wh.jpg


http://i55.tinypic.com/24w7zpd.jpg

David R 1968
07-19-11, 08:20 PM
Sarah & Bill. Both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the
social center & discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's
company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Bill ask Sarah out for dinner
& much To his delight, She accepted.

They had a lovely evening, they dined at the most romantic restaurant
in town & Bill gave Sarah a gift to show his affection. Despite his age
Bill was still a charmer.

Afterward, Bill asked Sarah to join him at his place for an after- dinner
drink. Things continued along a natural course & age being no inhibitor.
Sarah soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared.
Each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Bill was thinking; "If I'd known she was a virgin I would have been more
gentle."


Sarah was thinking; "If I had known he could still do it. I would have taken
off my pantyhose."

Ed Palmer
07-20-11, 11:57 AM
The year is 2012 and the United States has just elected Eric Cantor (R) as the first Jewish president of the United States. Eric calls up his mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

Oh Mom, replies Eric, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2012, Eric Cantor is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

'You see that man over there with his hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'His brother is a doctor.'

David R 1968
07-20-11, 01:31 PM
FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


His dizzy aunt.............................................. .................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes......................................Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store....Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia......................................U Gogh

His magician uncle..........................................Whe re-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin............................................ ........A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother.............Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach..................Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle............................................. ....Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................................Tan g Gogh

The bird lover uncle............................................. ......Flamin Gogh

The fruit loving cousin............................................ .......Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking......................Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew............................................ ...Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................................. .....Go Gogh

A his niece who travels the country in an RV....Winnie Bay Gogh



I SAW YOU SMILING......................THERE YA GOGH

David R 1968
07-21-11, 06:35 AM
RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

David R 1968
07-21-11, 02:10 PM
I will never hear church bells ring again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When
she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surly be asking for trouble "Oh no,
my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to make love was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He"d still be alive
if that f u c k i n g ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Ed Palmer
07-22-11, 05:27 AM
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post.The man is still looking at his thumb.

Ed Palmer
07-22-11, 07:06 AM
THIS HAS TO HURT

DHAKA: Bangladeshi police said on Thursday they were investigating the case of a man forced to parade naked through his village with a brick tied to his penis as punishment for kidnapping and marrying a minor.

The punishment was meted out Saturday to the 30-year-old man by the local council in a village 30 kilometres (18 miles) south of Dhaka.

Police said he had kidnapped and then forcibly married a 12-year-old girl, who later managed to escape.

"The council chief and some village elders beat him and made him parade with a brick tied to his penis at a river ghat (steps) under the full gaze of at least 200 people," police sub-inspector Binoy Krishna Kar said.

Village courts are legal in Bangladesh but only empowered to settle disputes related to land ownership, inheritance and other minor issues. They are proscribed from handing down physical punishment.

The latest incident came a week after the global rights monitor Human Rights Watch released a statement highlighting abuses committed by local councils which are often the result of religious edicts or fatwas.

The group urged Bangladesh, a Muslim-majority nation of 142 million people, to take "urgent" measures to prevent such cases, which have been blamed for the deaths of dozens of women in recent years.

LawFitzgerald
07-22-11, 07:42 AM
Saw a bumper sticker the other day saying that Weiner was runing for president and that Holder was going to be his vice-president. Stick read vote the Weiner/Holder.
LMAO!!!

David R 1968
07-22-11, 07:57 AM
THIS IS SO BAD, IM APOLOGIZING RIGHT UP FRONT .......



Penis Van Lesbian

A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie
star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he
had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's
your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in
order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have
to change your name. "I will NOT change my name!

The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing
my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a
name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you
will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do
business together," the guy said and he left the agent's
office.


FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope
sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter
and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck,
who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed
to change my name. Determined to make it with my
God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I
would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I
thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with
another agent. I would never have made it without
changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token
of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

David R 1968
07-22-11, 06:38 PM
SPEAKING GERMAN IN TEXAS
Down south near Fredericksburg , Texas , where there is a large German-heritage population.
A farmer walking down a country road noticed a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have s h i t in it.")

The man shouted back:

"I'm from New York , and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan.
I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The farmer replied: "Use two hands, you'll get more water."

Phantom Blooper
07-24-11, 08:24 AM
A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Ed Palmer
07-24-11, 02:43 PM
More proof that smoking WILL stunt your growth

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/07/23/article-2017981-0D1CBE8600000578-0_634x722.jpg

Ed Palmer
07-24-11, 02:47 PM
This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."

"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.

The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."

Ed Palmer
07-24-11, 02:49 PM
President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address
a major gathering of the American Indian Nation
two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for
increasing every Native American's present
standard of living. He referred to his time as
a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every
Native American issue that came to the floor
of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about
the details of his plans, he seemed most
enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about
his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes
presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with
his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque
and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser,
waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs
how they came to select the new name they had
given to the President.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given
to a bird so full of shiit it can no longer fly.

Ed Palmer
07-24-11, 02:51 PM
More proof that smoking WILL stunt your growth

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/07/23/article-2017981-0D1CBE8600000578-0_634x722.jpg