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hillbillyjar
09-09-10, 09:40 PM
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman , Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights..

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .


'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

But I do believe it's a-comin'.'

Marine1955
09-10-10, 01:58 PM
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat spec ulator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.



The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of th e NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide







However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?



He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.







The Moral:

S C R E W work......

Play golf.....



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Marine1955
09-12-10, 08:17 PM
<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=480 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/1JztXcLp2Xs?fs=1&hl=en_US allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>"

Zebra29er
09-13-10, 02:21 PM
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,'the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else',said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts.
The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out themoney, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs

After their session, Valerie questioned the man,
'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario ...'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Zebra29er
09-13-10, 04:53 PM
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE
MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE, "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Zebra29er
09-13-10, 10:24 PM
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand??? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the *****!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

hbharrison
09-14-10, 12:28 AM
Oh God I wish that were true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marine1955
09-14-10, 07:15 PM
The Pres. !!! Part 1

<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=640 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/rot1yguplr8?fs=1&hl=en_US allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></EMBED></OBJECT>

Marine1955
09-14-10, 07:21 PM
The Pres. Part 2


<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=640 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/Y3-T7zAKYWM?fs=1&hl=en_US allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

Marine1955
09-14-10, 07:28 PM
Sorry Officer .



<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=480 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/2rv9b-9qBIc?fs=1&hl=en_US allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

OLE SARG
09-14-10, 08:08 PM
Now that is damn funny Bill!!!!!!!!!!

SEMPER FI,

hbharrison
09-14-10, 08:54 PM
D*mn Bill my side hurts now the dog ran out of the room she don't know whats goin on that was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

Marine1955
09-15-10, 08:01 AM
<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.2pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.2pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.2pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.2pt" width="100%">OLD LOVE

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.



http://i53.tinypic.com/16a70up.jpg



I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, Karen is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself
how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need more tail.'



http://i53.tinypic.com/16a70up.jpg


http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'













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Marine1955
09-15-10, 08:56 AM
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER


THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOESIN TO SEE


WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING

A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK

DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS
HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.











HISMOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR


A WHILE."






BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."




MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES BUT,



BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"




http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSf-4kX8ODXjQ7BvMFhhYDXpiK_SvuaHtNBvT2MnVQ7-1mHwNM&t=1&h=167&w=167&usg=__WFtiWM79u5ilfNd-kYd5EseQ72k=






BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
09-15-10, 07:19 PM
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a Taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up Immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

(Note; You CAN tow the car with Panty Hose, the Duct Tape is used to hold the car together).

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession



:flag:

The DUKE
09-15-10, 10:12 PM
> San Diego woman shot in the head...
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
>
>
> The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
>
> When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
>
> Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
>
> The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Marine1955
09-15-10, 10:25 PM
<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=480 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/qWH-VToohro?fs=1&hl=en_US allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true">

Funny
</EMBED></OBJECT>

hbharrison
09-16-10, 12:33 AM
One can get into a lot of cr*p over a sipper. Thank was funnnnnnyyyyy!!!!!!

Rob Parry
09-16-10, 08:10 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/MailAttachment-4.jpg


What does a Muslim Pussy look like?


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/MailAttachment-1-1.jpg
























http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/MailAttachment-2-1.jpg




Oh, come on! What the hell were you thinking??

Marine1955
09-16-10, 09:15 AM
http://i56.tinypic.com/11u9h5h.jpg

Rob Parry
09-17-10, 05:52 AM
She told him she was leaving to become a prostitute because she found out she could get $300 for what she was giving him for free.

He wondered what made her think she could live on $600 a year.

Marine1955
09-17-10, 09:54 AM
"><IFRAME height=330 src="http://www.snotr.com/embed/5202" frameBorder=0 width=400></IFRAME>

Marine1955
09-17-10, 04:38 PM
Funny


<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=480 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/Wty1o76Qro0?fs=1&hl=en_US allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

Mousefart0369
09-17-10, 08:43 PM
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the *field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with c-yanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor
up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Marine1955
09-18-10, 08:47 AM
You want believe this

<EMBED height=385 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=640 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/_t_yYJBDNL0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xd0d0d0&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1 allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

The DUKE
09-19-10, 11:20 AM
LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF
NAVAL HISTORY...

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides)
as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water
for her crew of 475 officers and men.

This was sufficient to last six months of
sustained operations at sea.

She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log,
"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a
full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,
7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and
79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and
68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.
She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and
64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England .

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war
and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,
salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.

Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid
up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland.

Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred
40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,
with no cannon shot, no food, no powder,
no rum, no wine, no whisky,
and 38,600 gallons of water.
GO NAVY!

Rob Parry
09-20-10, 04:27 AM
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in
the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay
in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her
Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Rob Parry
09-20-10, 09:02 AM
WILLY NELSON'S 75th BIRTHDAY

.....Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.







http://wtsharpe3.com/Pictures/Willie%20Nelson.jpg

Marine1955
09-20-10, 01:12 PM
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?




The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.





The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.




The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"




The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.







Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

Mousefart0369
09-20-10, 04:39 PM
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,What are you doing? She answers, I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies...I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!

Marine1955
09-20-10, 08:45 PM
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .


They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood
on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first
date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being Pizzed off.'


Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Marine1955
09-20-10, 11:41 PM
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<STYLE>#cg_msg_content #AOLMsgPart_2_ffcae22c-d2be-42aa-afbd-d92730a8ecde td{color:black;}#cg_msg_content #AOLMsgPart_2_ffcae22c-d2be-42aa-afbd-d92730a8ecde .ExternalClass #ecxyiv573290744 .ecxyiv573290744hmmessage P{padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-top:0px;}#cg_msg_content #AOLMsgPart_2_ffcae22c-d2be-42aa-afbd-d92730a8ecde .ExternalClass #ecxyiv573290744 .ecxyiv573290744hmmessage{font-family:Tahoma;font-size:10pt;}</STYLE><STYLE>#cg_msg_content #AOLMsgPart_2_ffcae22c-d2be-42aa-afbd-d92730a8ecde td{color:black;}#cg_msg_content #AOLMsgPart_2_ffcae22c-d2be-42aa-afbd-d92730a8ecde .ExternalClass #ecxyiv573290744 .ecxyiv573290744ExternalClass .ecxyiv573290744ecxhmmessage P{padding-bottom:0px;padding-left:0px;padding-right:0px;padding-top:0px;}#cg_msg_content #AOLMsgPart_2_ffcae22c-d2be-42aa-afbd-d92730a8ecde .ExternalClass #ecxyiv573290744 .ecxyiv573290744ExternalClass {font-family:Tahoma;font-size:10pt;}</STYLE>Great little story about a farmer just trying to get by....





A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.


He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something womandressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,'Would you like to buy some peaches?'She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,'Are they as firm as this?'He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn,the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn,and now I think I'm gonna get fracked out of my peaches!












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Marine1955
09-21-10, 10:15 AM
Change Right


<EMBED height=525 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=660 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/lCIIXBts4OY?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00&border=1 allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

Marine1955
09-21-10, 10:56 AM
http://i51.tinypic.com/2isv39s.jpg

Marine1955
09-21-10, 10:57 AM
http://i52.tinypic.com/2435087.jpg

Marine1955
09-21-10, 10:59 AM
http://i56.tinypic.com/295r2v9.jpg

Marine1955
09-21-10, 11:00 AM
http://i52.tinypic.com/10fxdzb.jpg

advanced
09-22-10, 09:12 AM
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here' .

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but* 'downunder . '

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they
go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking
his nose .

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
*
*
*

Marine1955
09-22-10, 01:21 PM
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, Er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg
http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg
http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Marine1955
09-23-10, 08:06 AM
I'll bet


<EMBED height=525 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=873 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/VfEYyNxQc7o?fs=1&hl=en_US&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00&border=1 allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

ameriken
09-23-10, 09:53 AM
Blonde yellow line painter
<O:p
A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.

After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.

On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.

On day 3 he was shocked to learn that, in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road and now, on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road.

Can I ask you, what is the problem?"

"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

ameriken
09-23-10, 11:26 AM
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


**************************


In a Podiatrist's office:



"Time wounds all heels."



**************************


On a Septic Tank Truck:



Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


**************************


On a Plumber's truck:



"We repair what your husband fixed."


**************************


On another Plumber's truck:



"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


**************************


On a Church's Bill board:



"7 days without God makes one weak."


**************************


At a TIRe Store



"Invite us to your next blowout."


**************************


On an Electrician's truck:



"Let us remove your shorts."


**************************


In a Non-smoking Area:



"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."



**************************


On a Maternity Room door:


"Push. Push. Push."


**************************


At an Optometrist's Office:



"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


**************************


On a Taxidermist's window:



"We really know our stuff."


**************************


On a Fence:



"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"


**************************


At a Car Dealership:



"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:



"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


**************************


In a Vets waiting room:



"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


**************************


In a Restaurant window:



"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."


**************************


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:



"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************



And don't forget the sign at a


RADIATOR SHOP:


"Best place in town to take a leak."



**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:


"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Marine1955
09-23-10, 07:22 PM
http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f11142%5fALF4%2fNgAAS%2fdTJpgeQYv4 hieaBs&pid=2&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………




“Got Drunk once when I was on liberty in San Diego from Boot Camp and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

Marine1955
09-24-10, 01:52 PM
An Ethical Hunting Dilemma







OK, so you're out hunting and it's the beginning of the rut, bucks and does are running around like they have no brain whatsoever, you know your buddy is in the next blind over and you're both hoping to get a deer on opening weekend, when all of a sudden you look out to your left and see this.....
*
*
*

http://i52.tinypic.com/35bt6v5.jpg

http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg

http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg
.....What are you supposed to do?

Do you shoot the one with the bigger rack.......or the gay one?

Zebra29er
09-24-10, 02:08 PM
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "that was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I am going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Ed Palmer
09-25-10, 03:00 PM
I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Zebra29er
09-27-10, 03:43 PM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk....

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

( Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

Zebra29er
09-27-10, 03:45 PM
The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over
60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:


Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens

Ed Palmer
09-27-10, 04:23 PM
http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/roswell.asp

3522
09-27-10, 05:51 PM
Huh! You're no fun today, Ed. :confused::beer:

Marine1955
09-27-10, 10:07 PM
http://i54.tinypic.com/1t98ut.jpg

Zebra29er
09-28-10, 09:36 AM
Huh! You're no fun today, Ed. :confused::beer:
Yea I thought this was the Humor section , I guess some just can't take a joke .

Ed Palmer
09-28-10, 02:30 PM
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fxxxing wall."

Ed Palmer
09-28-10, 04:38 PM
A Marine Sgt fatally wounded calls for a Mufti.
The Muslim comes and the sgt say, you gotta make me a Muslim before I die. The Muslim does his HUMMINAH HUMMINAH thing and declares, Ok now you are a true Muslim.
His company rushes in on him asking, ‘Are you crazy? Why would you of all people want to be a Muslim?’

The Sgt says, “Better one of them should die, then one of us.”

Ed Palmer
09-28-10, 04:40 PM
http://www.purple-twinkie.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/why-dogs-bite-people-blanket.jpg

Muslim female seeing eye dog

Marine1955
09-29-10, 02:43 PM
http://i54.tinypic.com/x3brja.jpg

Marine1955
09-30-10, 08:15 AM
One day my housework-challenged husband decided
to wash his Sweatshirt...
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
And they say
blondes are dumb...

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-02-10, 04:18 PM
Drunks have the best sense of humor


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy Sh**! My girlfriend's gone, too!!




:usmc:

Ed Palmer
10-02-10, 05:52 PM
http://www.owensworld.com/funnyimages/files/go_on_big.jpg

Ed Palmer
10-03-10, 02:47 PM
Defective parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
I got every word,' says the parrot.
I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
Wow,' says the guy.
You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day. =

Zebra29er
10-04-10, 12:41 PM
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield



"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

Billy Crystal



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties! up whom."

Joan Rivers









"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."





Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips
!


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-04-10, 07:52 PM
Oldie, but a goodie.



A Jewish man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, where you can bury her or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $750."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, and pay the high cost of a US funeral, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in our homeland and you would spend only $750?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."




:iwo:

Chewey A084739
10-05-10, 02:20 PM
Some of you may have seen or experienced this before, but it happened to me the other day so I thought I'd share it.

Picture one of those balmy sunny weekend days, you know, those rare occasions that happen maybe once or twice a year. the weathers perfect, traffic is minimal and you're in the right frame of mind for a spin on the bike.
Well a few weeks ago such conditions presented themselves and off I went, all relaxed and at one with the world, just tootling along minding my own business when....BLAM a violent blast of noise followed by buffetting from slipstream....I recovered my senses to see some sort of Harley barrelling down the road. The noise was deafening and he was really shifting. I raised and eyebrow to myself but I was determined not to let anything destroy my tranquil afternoon when, of all things, the B*stard went and gave me the bird.....!!!!!!!
Now I'm not one to easily get angry but I must admit the red mist came down and I took off in pursuit.
I slowly gained on him, when, he glanced in his Iron Cross mirror dropped a cog and shot off. Jesus, that thing could shift but the race was on, honour needed to be served. There was no turning back.
I managed to stick to his tail for a couple of miles but it was hard work. His bike was obviously not standard and he was leaving me for dead in the straights but I could claw back the distance lost in the bends, and I knew this road. Up ahead was a couple of miles of really twisty road, perfect.
I stayed in touch and held on until we arrived at the point where I knew I had the advantage. as we went through the first left hander I saw my opponent glance nervously in his mirror and I sensed his fear, he knew his advantage was lost.
Within the first three corners I was right on his back wheel, the roar and blast from his straight through pipes pounded my face, the sparks from his pegs showered me but there was to be no turning back.
At the next bend I showed him my front wheel and he responded with a twist of throttle that had the rear tyre spinning leaving a black line down the road, the back of his bike weaving. He was on the ragged edge and I knew I had him.
We tipped into a left and I got on the inside, then flicked into a hard right, this allowed him to edge away again but I knew the next blind corner was a long left and I had the line. As we entered the corner I grit my teeth, now or never, this was it. I got my front wheel ahead and hit the apex spot on, forcing him wide and as I straightened up coming out of the corner I was ahead, I'd done it.
I look over my shoulder to see him falling back behind me, and, he raised his hand in salute before turning off and away.
I pulled over to the side of the road, I needed a cigarette.
I was elated but shaking all over, bathed in sweat but happy. I had won.
And I can tell you, he was a good rider. I can honestly say Ive never pedalled that mountain bike so hard in my life. !!!!!!!!!!

Chewey A084739
10-05-10, 02:23 PM
The case for the defence


Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him..

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!

Defense Attorney:
Whyever not?

Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Ever since my Albert died.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Chewey A084739
10-05-10, 02:26 PM
Bacon Tree.


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees


Ees a ham bush..."

Chewey A084739
10-05-10, 02:32 PM
An Irish fairy tale


One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,














And that my lord is the case for the Defense.......

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-06-10, 07:41 PM
Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Ole' says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "



:flag:

Rob Parry
10-07-10, 06:33 AM
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'


'Couple of minutes ago.'






The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-07-10, 07:22 PM
The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"




:flag:

Marine1955
10-07-10, 08:12 PM
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? "Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Ed Palmer
10-08-10, 09:07 AM
Paradoxical thought for the day:

"Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they are insured,

but people don't have to prove they are citizens."

advanced
10-08-10, 09:15 AM
Paradoxical thought for the day:

"Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they are insured,

but people don't have to prove they are citizens."

Unfortunately, what you have posted is not a joke. Please post in the political section.

Marine1955
10-08-10, 08:44 PM
<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>David had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his

head that said,'David, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you

won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, David.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering:


David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.


</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Ed Palmer
10-09-10, 04:40 PM
http://lolsnaps.com/upload_images/real/507.jpg

Marine1955
10-11-10, 03:24 PM
Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Future DevilDog
10-12-10, 05:42 PM
Good jokes :)

Rob Parry
10-13-10, 11:22 AM
This is probably old news, but made me chuckle. Terrorist ringtone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPBpx19WdxY

or there's the USMC version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ7uAloFbLk&NR=1

hbharrison
10-13-10, 12:35 PM
Rob, number two is great I like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rob Parry
10-13-10, 02:57 PM
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_VYh-j6dcUzg/SkfaqWqenbI/AAAAAAAAAak/5wy2OvVcNRA/s400/American-Gothic-Soldiers--31308.jpg

Ed Palmer
10-13-10, 03:40 PM
Ever Wonder How
Pumpkin Pies Are Made??????


http://i53.tinypic.com/htdzyu.jpg

Marine1955
10-13-10, 06:30 PM
Got this early from Ed <EMBED height=340 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=560 src=http://www.youtube.com/v/fYuFJBhEbPY?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6 allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-13-10, 07:38 PM
BOUDREAUX'S NEW JOB WITH BP


Down in Lafourche Parish, Louisiana, Boudreaux gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup. He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment.

He finds the man and asks, “What it is I supposed to do?”

The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.

Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says, “Okay…dey all cleaned. You want me to cook some rice ????




:flag:

Marine1955
10-13-10, 08:04 PM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his
bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's
golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him
thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Chewey A084739
10-14-10, 11:58 AM
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio .

"What is your name?" – asked the teacher. "Mohammad". answered the kid.

You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?" – asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him.Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fookin' Arabs."

Marine1955
10-14-10, 12:28 PM
http://i53.tinypic.com/142uhr5.jpg

Marine1955
10-14-10, 12:30 PM
http://i54.tinypic.com/neg4sm.jpg

tdrt
10-14-10, 12:39 PM
Where can I get a pair of those?

silverdollar
10-15-10, 06:40 AM
Where can I get a pair of those?





Why would you want to pass out in a supermarket?

Ed Palmer
10-15-10, 06:54 AM
Let us know when you get them .
please post a pict ,of them on you,Buzzing underwear
Vibrating underwear has become very popular after the movie the Ugly Truth came out, searches for vibrating panties skyrocketed soon after the movie came out and sales have increased by several hundred percent. In the movie Katherine Hegl plays the part of a successful business woman and in one of the scenes in the movie she is wearing a pair of vibrating panties while at a dinner with her boss and co-workers. The scene is absolutely brilliant and is one of the funniest I have ever seen in a movie.
http://www.mypleasure.com/vibrating-...Fc5i2godzkNnJQ

R Landry
10-15-10, 08:16 AM
Three ministers and their wives waited at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter shook his head sadly at the first couple and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny!"

St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the 'Other Place' they went.

Then came the second couple. "Sorry. Can't let you in either," said St. Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

Down the chute went the second minister and his wife.

The third minister turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."

tdrt
10-15-10, 08:53 AM
Let us know when you get them .
please post a pict ,of them on you,Buzzing underwear
Vibrating underwear has become very popular after the movie the Ugly Truth came out, searches for vibrating panties skyrocketed soon after the movie came out and sales have increased by several hundred percent. In the movie Katherine Hegl plays the part of a successful business woman and in one of the scenes in the movie she is wearing a pair of vibrating panties while at a dinner with her boss and co-workers. The scene is absolutely brilliant and is one of the funniest I have ever seen in a movie.
http://www.mypleasure.com/vibrating-...Fc5i2godzkNnJQ

How about I just put my phone on vibrate and call myself alot?

Marine1955
10-15-10, 11:40 AM
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.


I just bought this hat yesterday!"

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-15-10, 02:06 PM
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant..


This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming Bullshiit stories.



:usmc:

SGT DDS
10-16-10, 03:45 AM
Two Sweedish brothers named Hans & Olie were going to America by boat. But before they left their dear Moma told them when they got to America to only go where the Sweeds hung out just to be safe. So after several weeks on the boat they were more than ready to get off to stretch their legs and find somewhere to get some good food. Hans the older brother was tall, broad shouldered, and fair complected where as Olie was short, stout, and extremely hairy. Walking down the street together they were a sight to see. Coming to a resturant called "Mama's Homemade Sweedish meatballs" Olie said to Hans "So do ya think that Mama would say this place is alright to eat at?" Hans replied that it would do and so they went in to eat. After sitting down and ordering they heard a man chocking on his dinner across the dining room. Quickly they both got up from their table and rushed over to the mans rescue. Upon getting to the table Hans pulled out a chair and Olie the short hairy fellow jumped up on it. Then Olie unbuckled his trousers and dropped them showing everyone he was wearing no skivies. Quick as a flash Hans ran behind him and with one swipe ran his tongue up across Olies hairy buttocks. The chocking man seeing this was so startled that he coughed up the meatball he was chocking on and it rolled harmlessly across the floor. At this Olie reached down and pulled up his trousers and the two of them started across the dining room back to their table. Olie said to Hans "you know Hans thats the 3rd guy this week we saved with that hiney lick move"......(O:")

Zebra29er
10-16-10, 04:54 PM
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep
shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the
way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to
emergency!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

firedog974
10-16-10, 05:26 PM
I saw a Muslim fall into the river this morning and being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.


It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm now starting to think I've wasted a damn stamp !

Phantom Blooper
10-18-10, 08:32 AM
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED'

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-19-10, 07:15 PM
Issues in the Workplace



The Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!


---------------------------

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.


The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"




:flag:

R Landry
10-20-10, 07:30 AM
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the Doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The old man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmer, be careful."

Marine1955
10-20-10, 10:34 AM
It's called " Tridixagain " It's all the new rage.:thumbup:

Ed Palmer
10-20-10, 03:38 PM
KEEP THIS IN MIND AS YOU ARE DOING YOUR CLEANUP CHORES.





New use for Windex

I haven't checked ' Snopes.Com ' to see if this actually Works or Not . . . But they say, If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked, You should sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.

Marine1955
10-20-10, 05:30 PM
An old lady's strolling through the zoo, she stops at the monkey cage, and the monkey cage is empty.
She yells over to the zookeeper, "Zookeeper, where are all the monkeys today?"
The zookeeper says, "It's mating season, lady. They're back in the cave, you know?"
She says, "Zookeeper, will they stop and come out if I throw them some peanuts?"
The zookeeper says, "I don't know, lady. Would you?"

Marine1955
10-20-10, 05:33 PM
A guy who can F U C K thirty girls in a row gets booked on The TONIGHT Show.
The night of the show, Jay introduces him, the guy comes out on stage with thirty girls, and after he F U C K s twenty-eight of them, he fizzles out.
Jay runs out and says, "You son-of-a-B I T C H , you were supposed to F U C K all thirty of those girls."
The guy says, "I don't know what happened, JAY. Everything went fine in dress rehearsal."

Marine1955
10-20-10, 05:39 PM
A lady says, "Doc, kiss me."
He says, "I can't."
She says, "Doc, please kiss me."
He says, "I can't."
She says, "Doc, please kiss me..."
He says, "Look, lady, I probably shouldn't even be f u c k i n g you."

Marine1955
10-20-10, 05:45 PM
Ed Palmer goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair, the barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Sabean's getting up and taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes up and comes back.
As Ed's handing him a fifty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but why...why would you take a pizz in the corner of your own barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and when he comes back with Ed's change, Ed's taking a dump on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
Ed says, "Well, f u c k , I'm leaving now."

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-23-10, 10:09 AM
A Golf Story

Jim is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother Danny with you and give it one more
try."

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't
help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Danny. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Jim..

"I don't remember...



Welcome to the "Golden Years."


:flag:

Marine1955
10-25-10, 08:21 AM
Farmer Bales Himself.

<EMBED height=286 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=464 src=http://embed.break.com/MTkwNjgzMg== allowScriptAccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>

Zulu 36
10-25-10, 10:14 AM
Farmer Bales Himself.

<embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://embed.break.com/MTkwNjgzMg==" allowscriptaccess="always" height="286" width="464">


Montana finally lost it for good. :D

Ed Palmer
10-25-10, 10:15 AM
I’m not sure who this
woman is,
http://i51.tinypic.com/2ldhqu9.jpg
But apparently she knows most of the
men on here.

Marine1955
10-25-10, 10:36 AM
I’m not sure who this
woman is,
http://i51.tinypic.com/2ldhqu9.jpg
But apparently she knows most of the
men on here.
No Ed ,SHE KNOWS YOU !!!!

Marine1955
10-25-10, 10:54 AM
Looks Like Mexico going to get it Hard..


<EMBED height=376 type=application/x-shockwave-flash width=464 src=http://embed.break.com/MTk0MTM3Ng== allowScriptAccess="always"></EMBED></OBJECT>
Weatherman


</EMBED></OBJECT>

oldtop
10-25-10, 12:55 PM
MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The f u c k i n g funeral director would be my first guess

:D

oldtop
10-27-10, 12:23 PM
THE DINNER

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy, would you like dessert with that"??

steve evans
10-27-10, 04:23 PM
Two Gays arranged to meet up via the internet. They did not get on. In the end they went onto the dance floor and started to dance with each other. One of the Gays noticed that the other gay had a hard on. "Why have you got a hard on?"

"It only happens when I'm near a total arsehole!" came the reply........Just cos your a gay don't mean you have to like all other gays. So I've been told.

Ed Palmer
10-27-10, 04:23 PM
How To Carve a Pumpkin With a Gun
This jack-o'-lantern was made by Hickok45. His carving tool of choice? A .40 caliber Glock. This is so much more efficient than those little orange-handled knives. And he only has to reload twice!

Spoiler alert: Hickok45 does not give away candy. Unless you're prepared to duel for it.


<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qGH8Af9Hdb0?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qGH8Af9Hdb0?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></object>

steve evans
10-27-10, 04:56 PM
Many years ago when being a Queer was against the law in the United Kingdom the Cheshire police conducted a raid on a known 'Nice' boys club.

In went the fuzz nightsticks out and being used to their full extent. Bish, bash, bosh they went knocking ten shades of crap out of the Queers.

Once the club had been locked down the Police found that the owner of the club was absent.

The Sgt in charge of the raid who was built like a brick****e house grabbed the club owners boyfriend and sayeth; "Sunnyjim when I find your effing Chum I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his arseh.........

All of a sudden before the Sgt could finish the sentence this little voice shouted out "Coo'ee! I'm in the dustbin Sgt!":D

steve evans
10-27-10, 05:12 PM
HOW DO YOU MAKE A CAT BARK? SIMPLE, PUT A MATCH TO IT AND WATCH IT GO...... "WOOF"!:angel:

steve evans
10-27-10, 05:23 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd-oFPJl_v0

steve evans
10-27-10, 05:34 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgontSmBwv4&feature=related

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-27-10, 07:38 PM
(A Groaner)


Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.


A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'


The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face and pass it on..



------------------------


The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “ Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Bikes, Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. ”




:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-27-10, 07:46 PM
Bobby Darin will roll over in his grave when he hears this version!!!!!

COPY AND PASTE THE LINK TO YOUR SEARCH WINDOW IF CLICKING THE LINK DOESN'T WORK

http://www.terrisfp1.com/flash6/bath.swf


:usmc:

Marine1955
10-28-10, 10:25 AM
Miss dolly .

"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=390 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8YNzNyNpAsM?rel=0" frameBorder=0 width=480 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

oldtop
10-28-10, 11:16 AM
Yep, Miss Dolly sure has a PAIR, but I'm thinking they'll look better covered than exposed. Plastic tits just don't appeal to me much bare, LOL

Marine1955
10-28-10, 11:21 AM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother,




'My hands are freezing cold.'



The mother replied,





'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'



The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.




The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,





'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.



The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'



The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they Mother !!!'

Rob Parry
10-28-10, 11:22 AM
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet
again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even
more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

Ed Palmer
10-28-10, 01:13 PM
A beautiful fairy appeared one day
to a destitute Mexican refugee
outside an Arizona immigration
office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've
been sent here by President Obama
and told to grant you three
wishes, since you just arrived in
the United States with your wife
and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well,
where I come from we don't have
good teeth, so I want new teeth,
maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's
almost toothless grin and --
PING!-- he had a brand new shining
set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two
more to go."

The refugee claimant now got
bolder. "I need a big house with
a three-car garage in Annapolis on
the water with eight bedrooms for
my family and the rest of my
relatives who still live in my
country.. I want to bring them
all over here" --- and -- PING!--
in the distance there could be
seen a beautiful mansion with a
three-car garage, a long driveway,
and a walkout patio with a BBQ in
an upscale neighborhood
overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy,
waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be
like an American with American
clothes instead of these torn
clothes, and a baseball cap
instead of this sombrero. And I
want to have white skin like
Americans" ---and --- PING! -- The
man was transformed - wearing
worn-out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball
cap. He had his bad teeth back
and the mansion had disappeared
from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?"
he wailed. "Where is my new
house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD
. . . . . .

The fairy said:
"Tough shixt, Amigo, now that you
are a white American, you have to
fend for yourself."

Zebra29er
10-29-10, 03:19 PM
Indian Wanting Coffee (http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?category=PluckPersona&U=e13718d59d4f47d0a1eeb200734b8eb5&plckPersonaPage=BlogViewPost&plckUserId=e13718d59d4f47d0a1eeb200734b8eb5&plckPostId=Blog%3ae13718d59d4f47d0a1eeb200734b8eb5 Post%3a578d9d4f-7dea-4bc4-88fc-f6002b974cb8&plckController=PersonaBlog&plckScript=personaScript&plckElementId=personaDest)

This is an old one, but a good one.




An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:


http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/7/14/5778a7c0-dea8-431a-beda-9150bd4eaad7.Large.jpg (http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/7/14/5778a7c0-dea8-431a-beda-9150bd4eaad7.Full.jpg)http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/13/5/9d51c483-3dd7-458d-95a2-6b62efeec7fc.Large.jpg






"Want coffee."





The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."



(http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/8/13/48d19f67-6ed0-4319-8d03-51b29bfe38b0.Full.jpg)




He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.





The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:









"Want coffee."



The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"



The Indian smiles and proudly says,


http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/15/9/2f4d600a-a749-492c-a911-b69f03b5e918.Large.gif (http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/15/9/2f4d600a-a749-492c-a911-b69f03b5e918.Full.gif)

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=7 width=583><TBODY><TR><TD width=569>"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."



</TD></TR><TR><TD width=569>





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
VOTE 'EM ALL OUT!





You betchum!!

Ed Palmer
10-29-10, 04:18 PM
Milk Bath
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a Note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
Thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
Clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note
Asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The
Blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
Milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marine1955
10-29-10, 09:04 PM
"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=349 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Fw1F5nfL9E0?rel=0" frameBorder=0 width=425 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

Give it a listen before you say anything at all...

Ed Palmer
10-30-10, 10:54 AM
After Monday and Tuesday...
even the calendar
says -W T F.

Marine1955
10-30-10, 05:46 PM
Poor Barbara Boxer.
"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=345 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ixiYZ9DPk8o?rel=0" frameBorder=0 width=560 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-30-10, 06:58 PM
CARVE THIS PUMPKIN


http://www.scarygames2play.net/games/pumpkin-carve/





:usmc:

Marine1955
10-31-10, 04:09 PM
OHRAHHHHH !!!!
"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=349 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-Zbk2SXpN8U?rel=0" frameBorder=0 width=425 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

Marine1955
11-01-10, 02:54 PM
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!




http://i52.tinypic.com/20k3huc.jpg






I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.



Just tell me what's wrong and I'llcheck it out."



I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

Marine1955
11-02-10, 11:26 AM
<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>A woman was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the police arrested her after a series of accidents. The court ruled that her car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. It was ruled that she had to paint over her car's hood.








<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt" border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.2pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.2pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.2pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.2pt" width="100%"><TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; MARGIN-LEFT: 0.1in" border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 align=left><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">
Here's a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.








http://i55.tinypic.com/ljdoi.jpg



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>



You don't suppose the other drivers were driving along going 'Twat was that??'




And was she charged with pubic indecency?


It's a good thing she was picked up by the fuzz...









I'll stop the cracks now













</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>







</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>





























</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Rob Parry
11-02-10, 12:27 PM
Camel toe anybody? :D

Zebra29er
11-02-10, 02:21 PM
one camel toe coming up :)

Rob Parry
11-02-10, 02:43 PM
http://thepeoplescube.com/images/Brain_Socialist_Democrat.png

Ed Palmer
11-02-10, 06:12 PM
Different Ways Of Looking At Things (jokes)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,
and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did
my Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your
mother, Cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now
and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your
wife At all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and
really Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has Been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words That were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears
and Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used
in Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's Advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied
by Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's There.'

Marine1955
11-02-10, 07:00 PM
Camel toe anybody? :D


You wanted a camel toe ? here you go !!

http://i55.tinypic.com/2n8bfus.jpg

Zebra29er
11-02-10, 08:03 PM
my eyes my eyes i'm blind oooh noooo

sparkie
11-02-10, 08:35 PM
Ophra needs love too,,,,,,,,,,,

exnitro
11-03-10, 06:52 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wFhSbJWWZM

sparkie
11-04-10, 08:56 PM
Heard a great one on my drive home. "The early bird gets the worm,,,,,, but the second mouse gets the cheese". It broke me up.

Marine1955
11-05-10, 09:56 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wFhSbJWWZM

have to say this was so funny Love it that for posting it...


"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=390 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7wFhSbJWWZM?rel=0&hd=1" frameBorder=0 width=640 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

hoodab
11-05-10, 12:25 PM
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

hoodab
11-05-10, 12:27 PM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

hoodab
11-05-10, 12:28 PM
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

hoodab
11-05-10, 12:29 PM
:)

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

hoodab
11-05-10, 12:31 PM
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

hoodab
11-05-10, 12:42 PM
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!






http://i52.tinypic.com/20k3huc.jpg






I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.



Just tell me what's wrong and I'llcheck it out."




I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."


:) funny

Marine1955
11-05-10, 01:52 PM
UPDATE ON MY SURGERY…….





I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the news leaked out about it, so I thought I had better tell everyone. Dear Family and Friends, most of you know I went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift. I didn't have the most pleasant experience. I should've left well enough alone..I wanted to show you how it turned out. I hope this keeps YOU from having this done.. Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get a Butt Lift. You will most certainly regret it !!!. . . . .








http://i52.tinypic.com/9r3sr6.jpg














http://i51.tinypic.com/9zx0cw.jpg

Marine1955
11-05-10, 05:49 PM
Little Kevin Was In His 5th Grade Class When The Teacher Asked The Children What Their Fathers Did For A Living. All The Typical Answers Came Up: Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Etc. Kevin Was Being Quiet, So The Teacher Asked Him About His Father. Little Kevin Says: "my Father's An Exotic Dancer In A Gay Bar And Takes Off All His Clothes In Front Of Other Men. Sometimes, If The Offers Really Good, He'll Go Out To The Alley With Some Guy And Make Love With Him For Money." The Teacher, Obviously Shaken By This Statement, Hurriedly Set The Other Children To Work On Some Coloring And Took Little Kevin Aside To Ask Him: "is That Really True About Your Father?" Kevin Said: "no, He Plays Football For The Dallas Cowboys, But I Was Too Embarrassed To Say That In Front Of The Other Kids!"

Ed Palmer
11-06-10, 12:36 PM
X

Zebra29er
11-06-10, 12:51 PM
X


http://i54.tinypic.com/5e7biv.jpg

Marine1955
11-06-10, 12:55 PM
http://i54.tinypic.com/5e7biv.jpg


wow thats hotttttttttt oh baby
LOL

Marine1955
11-07-10, 11:05 PM
http://i51.tinypic.com/17alty.jpg

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-08-10, 07:23 PM
A question that deserves an answer!


A young Arab asks his father:



- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?



- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !



- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?



- It's a "djbellah"because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !



- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?



- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !



- Tell me, papa...



- Yes, my son ?



Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this S**T ?




:flag:

hoodab
11-08-10, 09:29 PM
John had been regularly on time to work for the past 15 years. One day he slept through his alarm. He got up in a rush, hurried through his shower and grabbed a very quick bite to eat as he headed out the door to his car. He zipped along in his car as fast as he could, greatly surpassing the posted speed limit. He came to a hill and as he zoomed down the other side of it, there was a patrol officer with a radar gun. The police officer pulled John over went up to him waiting in his car.
"In a hurry?" the patrolman asked.
"Yes" said John, quite hurridly and added, "I'm late for work."
"Oh" said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm an ahole stretcher" replied John.
"An ahole stretcher?" asked the officer.
"Yes, an ahole stretcher" said John.
"Well" said the officer, "how does that work?"
John said,"Well, first you glove up. Then you lube up. You start with a single finger, get it in there and wiggle it around a bit. Then you put in two and three fingers, again, wiggling 'em around some. By now you can use your second hand. You wiggle and you stretch and after time, you can have your hands fully at arms length apart from each other... a good six feet."
"Six feet!" the officer was startled, "what are you going to do with a six foot AHOLE?!?"
John looked at the officer and said, "Put him at the bottom of a hill with a radar gun."

SO funny!

hoodab
11-08-10, 09:35 PM
The answer to the eternal question, "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at
an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he
made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He
makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to
save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m.
on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common
person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,
he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll
still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Sempers,

Roger

WOW! Where did I go wrong?

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-09-10, 08:01 PM
Nag, Nag, Nag

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'



:flag:

wildwoman73
11-10-10, 12:54 AM
Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

An old grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.



The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison--

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Marine1955
11-11-10, 09:41 PM
Our medical Dollars at work,since the Obama care came in they have to make a living doing other things..

"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=390 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WOrjcLJ2IE0?rel=0&hd=1" frameBorder=0 width=480 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

Ed Palmer
11-12-10, 07:47 AM
SCIENTIST DESIGNS NEW BRA...

New Bra
http://i53.tinypic.com/2zee9sw.jpg

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shtt out of him.

Marine1955
11-12-10, 09:46 AM
Handbag

"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=390 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Nu-GgYmbriQ?rel=0&hd=1" frameBorder=0 width=480 type="text/html"></IFRAME> (%3Ciframe%20title=)

hillbillyjar
11-12-10, 02:08 PM
Our medical Dollars at work,since the Obama care came in they have to make a living doing other things..

"><iframe class="youtube-player" title="YouTube video player" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WOrjcLJ2IE0?rel=0&hd=1" type="text/html" frameborder="0" height="390" width="480"></iframe>
That got a laugh out of me, and the darling wife. It was PERFECTLY timed. I got the email about the post, a few minutes after getting home from taking her to the oral surgeon. She was still about half loopy. :banana: Well done!:thumbup:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-12-10, 07:25 PM
HUMOR FROM OTTOLAND



The Shepard's Dilemma

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.


---------------------------

Marriage

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end..............

you'll wish you had a f#/*king club and a spade.....




Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain!!!!

---------------------------


JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG ...



A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."




:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-13-10, 05:27 PM
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
(Oldie, but a goodie)


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+



:usmc:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-13-10, 05:31 PM
Jack's Chicken Farm


Jack was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Jack's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Jack's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Jack was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Lake County ( Chicago ) Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next fall as the bells are not always audible.



:usmc:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-15-10, 06:06 PM
A Louisiana Ghost Story



This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy2057, just
outside of Dulac, a little town in
the bayou country of Louisiana , and while
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

A Michigan businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his
disabled vehicle on the side of the road, and attempted
to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in the middle
of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars
went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly
see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving
slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the
rain. It slowly and silently crept
toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a
ride, Saul jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the
wheel and no sound of an engine to be heard over the
rain.

Again the car crept silently forward and Saul
was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and
running.. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp
curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to
pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost
car would go off the road and into the bayou and
he would then drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared
at the driver's window, reached in and
turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safe ly
around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
disappeared through the window and Saul was alone
again.

Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand
reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he
could take, jumped out of the car, and ran to
town.

Wet and in shock, he went into bar called Fishermen’s Point.
Voice quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black,
and then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

The room became silent and everybody got goose
bumps when they realized Saul was telling the
truth (and not just some drunk).

About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked
into Fisherman’s Point and one says to the other,
"Look, Boudreaux, ders dat idiot what rode in our car, when wes were pushing it in the rain.

:usmc:

Marine1955
11-15-10, 09:51 PM
You'll love this..


"><IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=510 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/A1pHR1rM2tw?rel=0&hd=1" frameBorder=0 width=853 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-16-10, 02:35 PM
"GROANERS" FROM OTTOLAND



I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'


Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatty , you are bound to lose it eventually '



Snow in the forcast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'



I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!



I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and Mexicans were not the correct answers.






:flag:

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 07:48 PM
Women: Code words - For those that aren't quite sure....




1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 08:17 PM
SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:

It's been announced that next year's shirt sponsor for Tiger Woods will be Tampax. A spokesman said "To sponsor a tw@t going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 08:19 PM
It is the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There really is nothing to do.

All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go."

Johnny was MAD. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."

The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go."

Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy."

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go."

Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy had answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut."

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 08:23 PM
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"
DeGaulle did not respond.


You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt the Americans have done? They've sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What do they intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'


You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.K. , USA, Canada, Australia and France. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas French officers learn many languages, the others learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,
'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."


You could have heard - well, you get it by now.

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 08:25 PM
An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

Consul: Your name please?

Arab: Abu Zina.

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Every day.

Consul: Err, I mean, male or female?

Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even camel.

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.

Consul: Isn't that hostile?

Arab: Hosstyle, dogstyle, any style!

Consul: Oh dear!

Arab: No deer! Arsehole too tight and run too fast.

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 08:49 PM
We've all been there but don't like to admit it... We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is very proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. (hehehe this is you!)

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS* that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.


SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

*Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE QUIT LAUGHING...

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 09:04 PM
A drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in a river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes I am!' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No I haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He pulls him back out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No I haven't found Jesus!'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in...?'

tdrt
11-16-10, 09:05 PM
That is too funny!! Been guilty of a few of those myself. LOL

If I ever have to "crop dust", I just make sure I do it around a group of men because no one would believe I could/would make that God-awful smell.

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 09:31 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE SNATCHER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS'

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'

8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED'
(I love that one)

11. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 09:40 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED FEMALE'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 09:41 PM
BEER vs. VAGINA!!! There are no losers...really.

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you.
There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets ****ed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it. One point to BEER

20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER


Final Score: 11 BEER, 8 VAGINA

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 09:52 PM
Life Imponderables FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY


1.. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4.. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7.. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8.. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9.. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10.. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11.. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12.. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13.. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19.. I ride way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20.. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.

21.. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

22.. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23.. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 American states.

24.. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25.. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26.. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

27.. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29.. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 10:32 PM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to
the father and said, “that's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you
think he's going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”

Chewey A084739
11-16-10, 10:53 PM
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....


A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

' Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not! Eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,

'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches! Too, I'm also starting to get feathers down there!'

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said...

'Oh, my Goodness, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS'

Zebra29er
11-17-10, 11:16 AM
A Drunken man walks into a biker bar,Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three mensitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says

I went by your grandma's house today
and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really
mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... Grandpa.......... Go home...............

Marine1955
11-17-10, 03:21 PM
A Drunken man walks into a biker bar,Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three mensitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says

I went by your grandma's house today
and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really
mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... Grandpa.......... Go home...............

W.T.F. Happened LOL

Marine1955
11-17-10, 03:22 PM
Since Nancy Pelosi will no longer be Speaker of the House,
she's forced to give up her private jet to make those trips from
Washington, D.C., to San Francisco .....
She'll be flying Southwest from now on because.... "Bags fly free."

tdrt
11-17-10, 03:46 PM
A Drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... "Grandpa.......... Go home..............."


I made all better :)

Zebra29er
11-17-10, 06:04 PM
W.T.F. Happened LOL

I tried to delit but it wan't let me :mad: its an Oldman thing.

Zebra29er
11-17-10, 06:07 PM
A Drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... "Grandpa.......... Go home..............."


I made all better :)

Thanks tdrt your da Marine

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-18-10, 12:24 PM
The Helpful Texan

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.




:usmc:

Chewey A084739
11-18-10, 09:13 PM
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buck shot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the London Philharmonic. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pi$$ in your eye.'

Chewey A084739
11-18-10, 09:32 PM
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Chewey A084739
11-18-10, 09:44 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with! a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

Chewey A084739
11-18-10, 10:04 PM
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-18-10, 10:12 PM
I Tawt I Taw A Puddy Tat



“I don’t care what they say… that looks NOTHING like ME!!!


http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/1290139588.jpg




:iwo:

Chewey A084739
11-18-10, 10:27 PM
Kids Are Quick
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Chewey A084739
11-18-10, 11:04 PM
Chinese Proverbs


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Chewey A084739
11-19-10, 12:53 PM
Blonde Jokes... ( Beware... Some content may offend )



Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. Because they both drip when they're ****ed!

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow **** have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both ****ed.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?
A. Open 24 hours a day.

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the toilet duck!

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.

Sgt Jim
11-19-10, 05:04 PM
Just A Note...............Just think if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey,we would all be having a piece of A$$ this Thanksgiving!!

Sgt Jim
11-19-10, 05:49 PM
New Turkey Recipe..I thought this sounded good!Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient,imagine that.When I found this recipe,I thought it was perfect for people like me,who are not sure how to tell when a turkey is thoroughly cooked,but not dried out.give it a try!. 1-15lb turkey,1-cup melted butter,1-cup stuffing(Pepperidge Farm is good),1-cup un-popped popcorn(Orville Redenbacher,s low fat is best),salt/pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.Brush turkey well with melted butter,salt and pepper.Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven,not the back.After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.when the turkey,s A$$ blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,....it,s done. And,you thought I didn,t cook....

Marine1955
11-21-10, 12:00 PM
Pregnant Jewish Girl

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.



Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.


"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."


"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"




All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

Ed Palmer
11-21-10, 12:43 PM
Just A Note...............Just think if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey,we would all be having a piece of A$$ this Thanksgiving!!

What you aint getting any this week?

Sgt Jim
11-21-10, 04:50 PM
I don,t know Ed but I will keep on trying LOL

wildwoman73
11-22-10, 11:50 PM
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath.



She puts her foot in and pauses..

She yells to the other sisters,



"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back,



"I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses



"Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table



having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says,



"I sure hope I never get that forgetful,"



she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you



as soon as I see who's at the door."
___________________________________

wildwoman73
11-22-10, 11:53 PM
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls

in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem



of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man



in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,



"I'll take the soup."

Quinbo
11-25-10, 06:58 AM
The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

sparkie
11-25-10, 07:09 AM
http://postwhatever.com/wp-content/gallery/funny-thanksgiving-2010/thanksgiving-2.jpg

Ed Palmer
11-26-10, 02:22 PM
I Forgot my glasses ...
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.??
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts??? You're almost??70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!?? I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

Phantom Blooper
11-27-10, 05:36 PM
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon

a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.


He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'


The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his azz and let him go!'

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-28-10, 01:09 PM
"Tale" of the Monkey


A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to $hit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now.






:flag:

Ed Palmer
11-29-10, 08:20 AM
I thought everyone could use a smile today…and this is one of the most entertaining e-mails I’ve read in a long time.








Adult Truths



1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your

computer history if you die.



2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize

you're wrong.



3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was

younger.



4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.



5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



6. Was learning cursive really necessary?



7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure

I know how to get out of my neighborhood.



8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the

person died.



9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.



10. Bad decisions make good stories.



11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the

rest of the day.



12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't

want to have to restart my collection...again.



13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it ask me if I

want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did

not make any changes to. THIS LITERALLY JUST HAPPEN A SECOND AGO!



14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.



15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.



16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.



17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.



18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.



19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and

smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?



20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to

prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and

sisters!



21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,

and you can wear them forever.



22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not

know what time it is.



23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys

in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -

but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,

in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.


24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and

the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men

to realize that their brain is also important. (It's OK to laugh ladies)

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-29-10, 05:32 PM
Bob and Mike Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy about?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me; tits out to here, Bob, tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me; tits out to here, Bob, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out, much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike crying over a beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me; tits WAY out to here, Bob, tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bob, way, way out. Much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and, Bob, she had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!
"And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"





:flag:

EGA1957
11-30-10, 01:26 PM
A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3:45 p.m. when he found the acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Ed Palmer
11-30-10, 06:43 PM
Have You Heard? A young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"===============================

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-02-10, 09:49 AM
Your first Christmas message, watch it all, full screen if you can! You will like it, very well done and pretty funny too!



A "Carol" for Our Times


http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1909243034?bctid=53156488001






:flag:

greenmarinepack
12-02-10, 04:26 PM
A bear and a rabbit are crappin in the woods,the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him if he has trouble with crap sticking to his fur,when the rabbit replies that he does not have a problem with crap sticking to his fur,the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit!

Ed Palmer
12-03-10, 05:17 AM
AMBIDEXTROUS GOLFER







A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!

Ed Palmer
12-03-10, 05:33 AM
Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish and longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.


Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.


'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.


Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'


Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'


'No, I am Jesus . . . You will find Mohammed higher up.'


Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.


'No, my son . . . . I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?

''Yes! Please, my Lord.'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Yo, Mohammed - - two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God; Your government has failed you miserably.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-03-10, 11:08 AM
Why men shouldn't write advice columns:




http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/1291395769.jpg





:usmc:

Ed Palmer
12-06-10, 08:40 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am

and is asked where he is going at

this time of night.



The man relies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol

abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.



The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”



The man replies,

“My wife.”

wildwoman73
12-07-10, 02:04 AM
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000..

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''.

kaelobo
12-07-10, 07:49 AM
I know you ment no harm, i am lost for words , ..............................usmc

Ed Palmer
12-07-10, 08:29 AM
Sign up now

Classes for Women at the Adult Learning
Center - Spring 2011


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, November 21, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

And my favorite
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day...
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor!

matt92
12-07-10, 10:31 PM
Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me..."
"
Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"
"
OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Marine1955
12-08-10, 09:04 AM
Hello, is this the Sheriffs Office?""Yes, What can I do for you?

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith..... He's hidin marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin it there"!"

Thank you very much for the call, sir."The next day, the Sheriff's deputy's descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at virgil's house"Hey Virgil. This here's Floyd!.....Did the Sheriff's come?""Yeah!""Did they chop your firewood?""Yep!""Happy Birthday, Buddy!"



(Rednecks know how to get-eR-dunn.)

Ed Palmer
12-08-10, 11:39 AM
Why is Obama fighting behind the scenes to get DADT repealed before Christmas?

Because if it doesn't happen, there won't be any fruitcakes at the White House "holiday" party.

Zebra29er
12-08-10, 02:32 PM
Woman Busted For Bloody Tongue Assault


Good thing she didnt bite off his...Oh never mind.


http://i.cdn.turner.com/dr/teg/tsg/release/sites/default/files/assets/karenluedersmug.jpgDECEMBER 7--What kind of a woman bites off her 79-year-old husband’s tongue and then poses for a mug shot flashing her pearly whites?
Meet Karen Lueders.
The 57-year-old Wisconsin woman was arrested Monday evening on a felony mayhem-domestic violence count after she allegedly bit off half of her husband Willard’s tongue while kissing him, according to investigators (http://null/file/tongue-bitten?page=0).
Willard Lueders was transported to a hospital about 50 miles from the couple’s Sheboygan home, so doctors could attempt to re-attach the tongue.
It is unclear why Karen, pictured in the above mug shot, bit off Willard’s tongue. Though Willard--in written responses to police questions--said that his wife was a in "manic state" when he was attacked, and had been "talking very fast and talking about spiritual things" over the past few days.

Zebra29er
12-09-10, 05:17 PM
Never Assume
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting
for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming
up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door
shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind
and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the
pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low
passes so I can take pictures of the fires
on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' ,
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Ed Palmer
12-10-10, 07:41 AM
Bubba's 21TH Birthday




Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came 'round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat . . . and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb asz.'

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-10-10, 11:50 AM
Costco Doctor


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a new diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."


So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."


Amazed, later that evening, while thinking how incredible this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed up some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!




THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING at COSTCO!



:flag:

Ed Palmer
12-10-10, 01:13 PM
Alabama Store Owner’s Sign Reminds That BBQ Restaurants Are “Safest” Because Of Lack Of Muslims
http://static01.mediaite.com/med/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Screen-shot-2010-12-09-at-11.14.41-AM-300x226.png

And here’s our offensive sign of the day. An Alabama store owner known for putting jokes up on the billboard outside of his electronics store has found that the response gets chillier when you decide to use racist jokes. The quote Chuck Biddinger used instructs drivers that the “BBQ Pork Restaurant Is Safest. No Muslims Inside.”
In some ways, I applaud Biddinger. I’d love to see more jokes next time I’m driving down the highway. However, just because something one of your dumb buddies sent you in an email was funny, it doesn’t mean it needs to go up there. Here’s a good test to keep in mind. Next time you’re considering a new joke to use, take a friend out to a public place and tell it to them loudly. If you feel the need to look over your shoulder and see who’s around before you start telling it, then it’s probably a bad joke to use.

Probably the most disheartening moment in the video below from ABC 3340, is when the news crew interviews local residents on whether they find the joke funny or not and half respond in the affirmative. Fortunately, it appears they only asked two people at a gas station while on the drive back to the station. Let’s hope the rest of the town has better stats.

Zebra29er
12-10-10, 02:05 PM
?

Ed Palmer
12-10-10, 02:27 PM
Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems.

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let the kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. Then he goes and visits mosques.

Finally, the last straw.

He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?


Signed, Lost in DC


Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marine1955
12-11-10, 12:58 PM
">Sweet Revenge



<IFRAME class=youtube-player title="YouTube video player" height=345 src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/QIu0cEQ_yxM?rel=0&hd=1" frameBorder=0 width=560 type="text/html"></IFRAME>

Zulu 36
12-11-10, 01:46 PM
The guy at the end who just cuts across everything probably was a Marine.

Ed Palmer
12-12-10, 12:26 PM
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat
and coat on lassie.'

she replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me the the pub with
you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'

Ed Palmer
12-12-10, 01:45 PM
The guy who started eating the corpse starts vomiting copiously,

then the other guy starts eating that,
saying: "I knew if I held out long enough I'd get a hot meal".

Rob Parry
12-13-10, 11:23 AM
Christmas carols for dysfunctional friends:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Ed Palmer
12-14-10, 08:03 AM
After the accident





After the accident, I was treated like a king and I lived a life of luxury. I had peace and quiet so I could watch the football game without anyone biotching. I could have the guys over whenever I wanted. And to top it off, I could screw anyone I wanted.
Then the biotch came out of the coma.

Rob Parry
12-14-10, 03:00 PM
I boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-14-10, 04:35 PM
THE BOOB TEST


(If you can't take the sight of Bresses's don't open the link)



http://www.forthecraic.net/flash/boobtest.swf




:flag:

kaelobo
12-14-10, 05:24 PM
great test................................usmc

rsta
12-15-10, 06:02 AM
I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening...
There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.
As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,
''These tasers are well worth the money...''

Ed Palmer
12-16-10, 07:48 AM
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"



I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I stayed awake."

scroll down for results









http://i52.tinypic.com/vyshes.jpg

Ed Palmer
12-16-10, 08:27 AM
Dennis Swanberg - Bengy and the Zipper
this is about 6 min, long but funny

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qWH-VToohro?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qWH-VToohro?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

wildwoman73
12-16-10, 08:32 AM
Bwahahahahahahhaha!!!!! Ed, that's the best I've heard of in a long time!!!

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-16-10, 08:52 AM
If you are "Thinned Skinned" I don't recommend you open this link. (Let's see how long it stays "up")

French Condom Commercial ....

Only the French could get away with
An advertisement like this ! ! !!

Click on:
http://attitude.adforum.com/top5/2010/01/27/aides-graffiti-tbwaparis/




:usmc: