Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
__________________________________________________ __________
> > Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.
> > We want tows."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
> > on fire and take appropriate action."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
> > looking for, you've come to the right place."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > My "personal" favorite....:) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome!
> > Dog food is expensive."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
> > miss a car payment."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
> > coming."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
__________________________________________________ ________
> > At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
> > your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry,
> > come on in and get fed up.
__________________________________________________ ________
> > In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little grills."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
> > to take a leak."

> > Have a good day!

[thedrifter]

Subject: World's Thinnest Books
>>>>
>>>>20. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
>>>>19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
>>>>18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
>>>>17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON
>>>>16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
>>>>15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
>>>>14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
>>>>13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
>>>>12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
>>>>11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
>>>>10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
>>>>9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by DR. J. Kevorkian
>>>>8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
>>>>7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
>>>>6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
>>>>5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
>>>>4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
>>>>3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
>>>>2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
>>>>
>>>>And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....
>>>>1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The
Rev.
>>>>Jessie Jackson

[Osotogary]

I've read them all.....in less than 5 minutes and I'm not even a speed reader! Had a hard time looking for them in our library system. (Might be the censor patrol.)
Gary

[Alexander Haile]

Three Marines were on leave in Mexico. While they were there they decided to look for a resort to do some bungee jumping. They went to this small town just ten miles from their hotel. There was had a huge cliff over looking the town. There people could bungee jump over it. They got to the top of the cliff. Paid their money, and got suited up. They looked around at eachother and said, "Ok? Who's first?" The youngest of the three spoke up. "I'll go first!" They hooked him up to the bungee cord and he jumped off over the cliff. The other two watched patiently for him to bounce back up. When he did, they saw that he was bleeding. He went back down and came back up, and he was screaming for help! The others grabbed the cord and pulled him back up to the cliff's edge. When they had secured him they asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I don't know, but what the hell's a pinata."

[thedrifter]

A little southern humor






This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad".

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".

She said, "Well think of your wife and kids".

He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids".

She said, " Well think of Robert E. Lee".

He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump then , ya Damn Yankee!"

[thedrifter]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready,
all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
start out, the cat shoots back in the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes
out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the
cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will
be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs
to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid ***** was hiding
under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed
her in the back yard !!"

[thedrifter]

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the
same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and
taught Sunday
School. Ole went on Christmas
and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the
other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was
in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a
fine looking
woman she was. Vhile dey were
taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena,
how about you and me go to
dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"
said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and
on Friday he picked
Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole
looked over at
Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat
vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so
he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached
in his pocket
and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a
smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat
vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low
after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving
Lena home ven dey
passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how
vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"
said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the
median and
everything, and drove back to
the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up
first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her
gray curls on the
pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat
have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke
up. "Lena, I've
got to ask you von ting," said
Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School
class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I
alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to
have a good time!"


=====
Build love within a circle.
Circles have no endings.

[thedrifter]

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
> THAN WITH A
> SINGLE AMERICAN"
>
>
>
>
> This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a
business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such
an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups
> from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that
the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society
> who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And
> after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?
>
> keep scrolling
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: A Funeral Home
> (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
>

[thedrifter]

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was
a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise
their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting
to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like
fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had
not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy
why she decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.

The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy
why she was a conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself
and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government
to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom
are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative
Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What
if your Mom and Dad were both morons?
What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."

[donaldduct]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
>>his
>>dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly
>>dismounts,
>>worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes
>>to find him.
>>The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
>>
>>The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
>>sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
>>
>>"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>>
>>"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
>>
>>"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and does
>>something on her knees that blows it right back up."
>>

[thedrifter]

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...



Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie -- poof! -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -- Poof! -- the mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight." -- poof! -- The mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." -- poof!

[thedrifter]

BECAUSE HE SAYS.....

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or
blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or
in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it
all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots
twice and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

[thedrifter]

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

[thedrifter]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[thedrifter]

There was a bear and a rabbit.

Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himselfShaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

[Osotogary]

You folks can add your own captions. Enjoy.
Gary

[thedrifter]

Cow Mein............Turn Up Sound............


http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/chowmein.html

[thedrifter]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says...
" Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[thedrifter]

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

[thedrifter]

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

[thedrifter]

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.
Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

[thedrifter]

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my *****.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[NEWB]

DRIFTER,
These are outstanding! Reading these things really help me get through all the Bull**** of the day at work. Thanks heaps.

[thedrifter]

MEN


This is what they are sending behind our backs.
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful

[thedrifter]

The Truth About Men (finally)
>>
>>1. The nice men are ugly.
>>
>>2. The handsome men are not nice.
>>
>>3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
>>
>>4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
>>
>>5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
>>money.
>>
>>6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money,
>>think we are only after their money.
>>
>>7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
>>
>>8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
>>don't think we are beautiful enough.
>>
>>9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
>>
>>10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, have some
>>money, and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
>>FIRST
>>MOVE!!!!
>>
>>11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
>>interest in us when we take the initiative.
>>
>>
>>NOW....WHO CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MEN?
>>
>>
>>Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
>>our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
>>mature into
>>something you'd like to have dinner with.
>>
>>
>>
>>SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
>>
>>AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4 ."Tastes great, more filling"
3."Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
1."This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?" ?

[thedrifter]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> hurts
> > wherever she touches it.
> > Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and
> pushes
> her
> > elbow and screams
> > in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and
> screams.
> > Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
> >
> > The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she
> says,
> > "I'm actually a blonde."
> >
> > "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".
>

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards -----
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I
like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you
refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later,
you'd be my *****.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right - I just wish it wasn't $250
a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class - Especially when
I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled
- SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown - but
so's your ass.
3. You're a honey - and you're a cutie - I just wished you had J-Lo's
"booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny - So, right to the point,
let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check
out the one that I gave to your sister!

[thedrifter]

Check out Bend Over bin Laden


http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

[Art Petersn]

From the net...courtesy of Dutch...

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
****************
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe,
and is for all intents and purposes (censosred) useless. It is an important
member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old
country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its
contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the
guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible
to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many
will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
**********
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no
concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their
armpits or their legs.

Safety
******
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that
France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender
more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent
years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History
*******
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by
just about every other country in the world.

Government
**********
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific
and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
*******
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see
why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of
course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
French family.)

Cuisine
*******
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's
or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring
your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for
such.

Economy
*******
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy
in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.

Conclusion
**********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people
didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear
tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not
Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.

[thedrifter]

99 bottles of beer on the wall take one down............
>
> > Fw: Hangover Ratings
> >
> >
> >
> > One Star Hangover (*)
> >
> > >No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
> >
> > >relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5
> >
> > >sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a
> >
> > >steak &fries.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Two Star Hangover (**)
> >
> > >No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but
> >
> > >you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you
are
> >
> > >chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
> >
> > >tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House
> >
> > >excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon
your
> >
> > >bowels.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Three Star Hangover (***)
> >
> > >Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
> >
> > >productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume
> >
> > >reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends
> >
> > >dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were
home
> >
> > >in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a
> >
> > >gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you
haven't
> >
> > >peed once.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Four Star Hangover (****)
> >
> > >Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too
quickly or
> >
> > >else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for
being
> >
> > >late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You
wore
> > nice
> >
> > >clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side
> >
> > >of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your
make-up
> > on
> >
> > >while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red
> >
> > >vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual
> >
> > >spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the
day
> >
> > >brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >Five Star Hangover, (*****)
> >
> > >You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
> > annoying
> >
> > >the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out
> >
> > >of
> >
> > >every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
crust in
> >
> > >the
> >
> > >>>>>corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an
attempt
> >
> > >>to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost
the
> >
> > >>ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You
> >
> > >>don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was
passed
> >
> > >>out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results
in a
> >
> > >>fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
> >
> > >>'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to
> > be
> >
> > >>to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds
pretty
> >
> > >>good about right now....
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Indubitably
> >
> > >>>>>Innovative
> >
> > >>>>>Preliminary
> >
> > >>>>>Proliferation
> >
> > >>>>>Cinnamon
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Specificity
> >
> > >>>>>British Constitution
> >
> > >>>>>Passive-aggressive disorder
> >
> > >>>>>Loquacious Transubstantiate
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
> >
> > >>>>>Nope, no more booze for me
> >
> > >>>>>Sorry, but you're not really my type
> >
> > >>>>>Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
> >
> > >>>>>Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
> >
> > >>>>>Sorry I'm being such a jackass
> >
> >
> >

[thedrifter]

Andy Rooney presents.
>
> 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
>
> "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
>
> 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
>
> Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each
> prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
> prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars
on
> the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
> criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
> treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they
> can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
>
> 3. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
>
> Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused
in
> the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the
> women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?'
> It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our
optic
> nerve.
>
> 4. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
>
> You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues?
> Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say, "I don't know."
It
> costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
> Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says
into
> phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have
to
> stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy
probably
> calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
>
> 5. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
>
> My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
> They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be
-
> Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not
> making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
>
> 6. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
>
> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior
> Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you?
> Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
> dollar she gave you for your birthday.
>
> 7. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
>
> Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
> answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
right
> now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the
love."
> Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
> positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

[thedrifter]

Aging........??????

[thedrifter]

THE CLIFF CLAVEN THEORY OF INTELLIGENCE
>
> I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on
Cheers.
>
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to
> his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like
this...
>
> A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And
when
> the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that
> are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole,
> because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by
the
> regular killing of the weakest members."
>
> "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the
> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain
> cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
> first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the
weaker
> brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."
> That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

[thedrifter]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN NEAR EVERYBODY

1. What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong.

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

12. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

13. And my, my, how time have changed:
Years ago when 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Klux Klan. Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

[thedrifter]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[thedrifter]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

When he arrived in the attendants' ladies room, next to the paper roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"

So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[thedrifter]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

[thedrifter]

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those ****ing Indians.'"

[thedrifter]

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

[thedrifter]

http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/toons/9342b.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

Two little boys,Joe and Moe were walking down the street,when Joe spotted a five dollarbill laying in the gutter. He picked it up and both boys started to jump up and down with excitement. Moe hollered to Joe that they should go get some ice cream,then go to the movie and get some candy and popcorn (this joke had to originally be told in the 50's or 60's)Joe didn't know what to do with his new found fortune.After much contemplation he decided to go to the corner drugstore.Moe thought that they were going to the soda foutain to get the ice cream.Well Joe surprised Moe by going to the health and beauty aids and selecting a box of Tampons. Joe and Moe walked out of the store and Moe asked Joe why the hell he bought a box of Tampons,when they could of had treats and went to a picture show? Joe replied"Because you go swimming,horseback riding,bowling,scuba diving,to the beach,or wherever you want to go with these.":banana:

[Art Petersn]

Subject: Sports Fan?

>Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in
>Buffalo when one of the boys is suddenly attacked
>by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other
>boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the
>dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck,
>saving his friend.
>
>A Buffalo reporter is standing by, sees the incident,
>and rushes over to interview the boy.
>"Young Bills Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
>Animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
>
>But I'm not a Bills Fan, " the little boy replies.
>"Sorry but since we're in Buffalo, I just assumed you
>were", says the reporter and starts writing again.
>"Sabres Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific
>Attack", he writes in his notebook.
>
>"I'm not a Sabres Fan either", the boy says.
>"Oh, I assumed everyone in Buffalo was either
>for the Bills or Sabres. What team do you root for",
>the reporter asked?
>
>"I'm a Dolphin fan", the boy replies.
>The reporter starts a new sheet in his
>notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Miami Kills
>Beloved Family Pet."

[Art Petersn]

----- Original Message -----
From:;
Sent: Saturday, February 15, 2003 7:47 PM
Subject: Fw: RETIIIREMENT






It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar! "

The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[NEWB]

HEARD THIS ON THE RADIO THIS AFTERNOON:
FOUND IN THE CLASSIFIEDS:
FRENCH MILITARY RIFLE, NEVER FIRED AND ONLY DROPPED ONCE.

Darn near ran off the road laughing. Then they came back with:
HOW MANY FRENCHMEN DOES IT TAKE TO DEFEND PARIS?

NO ONE KNOWS, THEY NEVER TRIED!!!!

[thedrifter]

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.

In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

[thedrifter]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[thedrifter]

A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

The salesman asked if his mother was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

[thedrifter]

Once there was a couple that didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work; but the guy was happy with his job, and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.

One day, the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest." The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to the pet store determined to win the contest.

"Hi, can I help you?" the sales person said.

"Yes, we're looking for an exotic pet," the husband said.

"Oh, I have just the thing," said the sales person. "Follow me."

They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.

"Why is he so exotic?" asked the husband.

"You see," said the sales person, "this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs."

"Yes, yes, I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the perch?"

"Well, sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the salesperson.

"Wow, this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought. So he bought the bird.

The couple ended up winning the contest. A few weeks later, the husband came home, and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife.

"Milkman came to the door... Wife took off milkman's clothes... Milkman took off wife's clothes..." the parrot said, but then it stopped.

"What?" the husband asked, and the bird said it again.

The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot.

He reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted, "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"

"I don't know," the parrot said. "I got hard and fell off the branch."

[thedrifter]

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host."

The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

[thedrifter]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

[Sparrowhawk]

Why do two of these women remind me of CAS and Janine? LOL

3 girls go to the beach, a blonde, a redhead and another redhead. While they were relaxing a seagull flies over them and poops on the blonde's head! One of the redheads says, OH MY GOD!!!, let me go get some toilet paper While she was going to find a bathroom, the blonde starts laughing her head off, the redhead that was with her was looking at her in disbelief and asks, "Why are you laughing? You have bird poop on your head!" The blonde responds, "I'm suppose to be the stupid one, but by the time she gets back, the seagull will be miles away to use the toilette paper."

[Alexander Haile]

What's the difference between a redneck fairy tale and a normal fairy tale??? The normal fairy tale begins with,"once upon a time..." while the redneck one begins with, "Dude! Yuo're never gonna beleive this..."

[David Schultz]

If I have a bad day, and sometimes I do, I just come here and my day is better. Great Page

[thedrifter]

LETTER FROM GRANDMA

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his Grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives
in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of
the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and
hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your
nose look too short."

Love Grandma.

[thedrifter]

little boy hears the word *****house in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the *****house and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.

"IN A WH0REHOUSE!" he screams proudly.

"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"

"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

[thedrifter]

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite 4 years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed a cabinet door ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions.

Fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came my mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I had used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter:

"But, mom, you said they were for special occasions!"

[thedrifter]

man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 00-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

[thedrifter]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

[thedrifter]

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

("A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]) "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[thedrifter]

More Student Bloopers



Here is another collection of freshman bloopers collected by a the Canadian history professor Anders Henrickson over the years. The spelling is faithfully reproduced here!

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.

After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.

Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialisation was precipitating in England.

Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.

Great Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.

World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.

Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti- semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.

The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.

[thedrifter]

Employee Time and Motion Study



7:30 Punched time card just as the whistle blew.
7:40 Made rounds of gum machines. No gum. Lost $0.07.
8:00 Started to look for tools left around by night shift.
8:10 Found pliers, ground main off, put in my tool box.
8:25 Fellow across room motioned me to come over. Gave me gum.
8:35 Went to tool crib, told attendant story. He told me an old one.
8:55 Saw foreman coming. Picked up hammer and started pounding.
9:05 Went to can. False alarm.
9:25 Looked in lunch box to see what the wife had packed. Ate banana.
9:30 Matched coins with the milkman. Drank pint of milk. Ate two sandwiches.
9:40 Went to can. False alarm.
9:45 Drilled hole in piece of metal. Hole to big. Welded hole, started again.
9:50 Went to can for smoke. Wrote name on wall.
10:00 Walked across room to see what other fellows were laughing at.
10:02 Started to realize the guy gave me laxative gum.
10:03 Went to the can. False alarm. Slept for 15 minutes.
10:20 Plotted to get even with the other guy.
10:25 Didn't need a drink, but went for one anyway.
10:30 Looked for place to hide part made wrong.
10:35 Couldn't find place. Tossed part under partner's bench.
10:37 Looked under my bench. Found part made wrong by night shift.
10:40 Went to foreman, said to him, "Look what some guy put under my bench."
10:45 Saw new female employee. Went over and kidded her for 15 minutes.
11:00 Saw foreman watching. Picked up 45-lb. piece of steel, walked away.
11:02 Saw freight train go by. Counted cars. Brought steel back.
11:20 Realised it was time for lunch. Looked in lunch kit and remembered it was all eaten except two meat balls.
11:30 Fixed place to sleep on bench.
12:00 Whistle blew. Went to can. Drew whiskers on picture on wall.
12:10 Pricked finger on piece of metal.
12:12 Went to first aid room. Waited in line while nurses took care of others suffering from old age. Nurse finally looked at my finger and gave me a vitamin pill.
12:40 Went to beverage cooler for coke. Contacted 11 guys for change.
1:15 Went to my machine. Saw big shot watching me. Took machine apart.
1:30 Big shot left, couldn't put machine back together.
1:40 Went to can. Got into big argument over high taxes.
1:55 Hit finger with hammer while looking at sweater girl... talked to God. Decided to find out who sweater girl is. Walked over. Saw foreman coming. Went to can instead.
2:15 Kept wondering who sweater girl is. Asked 6 guys. All wanted to know.
2:17 Assistant foreman was coming. Started to study blueprint intently.
2:25 Took sandwich from partner's lunch kit.
2:30 Went to can for a smoke. Asked 6 guys for a cigarette. None smoked.
2:40 Went to cigarette machine. Some smart alec had put grease on handles.
2:45 Told foreman this job hurts my back. I want a job where I can sit down.
2:55 Knocked over full can of rivets. Spent 10 minutes picking them up.
3:05 Went to get drink in other department.
3:30 Started cleaning up. Put tools away. Went to can. Put tie on.
3:50 Watched out for foreman. Watched out for ass't foreman. Watched out.
3:56 Took apron off. Put coat on. Put apron back with strings tied.
4:00 Whistle blew. Went home -- dead tired.


Tomorrow's plans: Same as today, only ask for a raise.

[thedrifter]

A Marine buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Marine" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations are showered on him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Marine baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

How much does he weigh now?"

The proud Marine answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Marine father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[thedrifter]

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, and hour to appreciate them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget. It is a short message to let them know that you will never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in a hurry and have forgotten your friends.



LIFE IS SHORT, DANCE NAKED and

WIGGLE YOUR AZZ!

[Art Petersn]

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
Doesn't that just make you see red???


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)




You gotta love it!!!

[fishon]

Art Semper Fi. My Nephew is in the Business. I will Email it to him. Im sure He would appreciate it. Frank

[thedrifter]

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.
The
> pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he
wanted it
> for.
> He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the
pharmacist
> replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I
can't
> sell you any Cyanide."
> The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
> The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever
seen,
> blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I
didn't
> realize you had a prescription."

[thedrifter]

man asked his wife what she'd like for


her birthday. "I'd love to be


six again," she replied.






On the morning of her birthday, he got her


up bright and early and off they went to a


local theme park. What a day!






He put her on every ride in the park: the


Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,


the Wall of Fear, everything there was!






Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of


the theme park, her head


reeling and her stomach upside down.






Right to a McDonald's they went, where her


husband ordered her a Big Mac


along with extra fries and a refreshing


chocolate shake.!






Then it was off to a movie -- the latest


epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,


Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.






What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband


and collapsed into bed.






He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well,


dear, what was it like being six again?"






One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."






The moral of this story: Even when a man is


listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[thedrifter]

There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, and right away you're a *****.


A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. . . . He claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, " O.K.,Tell him I can't see him."


Q. Why did the Mexican push his wife off the mountain?
A. Tequila


Q. Did you hear that the French have a new flag?
A. It's a white cross on a white background.


Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?
A. They rarely get attacked from behind.


Q. How do deaf people have phone sex?
A. By fax.


Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favorite sexual position is next door.


Q. Why do Pakistani women have the red dot on the forehead?
A. Because the husband smokes while they make love.


Q. How do you recognize a gay Pakistani?
A. He has a red dot on the back of the head.


A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead lion. Amazed, he asked, 'Did you kill that?' The pigmy answered, 'Yes.' The hunter then asked, 'How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?' Said the pigmy, 'I killed it with my club.' The astonished hunter asked, 'How big is your club?' The pigmy replied, 'There's about 100 of us.'


There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Uncle Sam's drink. After a while, Uncle Sam excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Uncle?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, I got so scared that so I put it back!"

[thedrifter]

guy walks into a pub, orders a beer, and sets a paper bag on the bar. Several beers later, the curious bartender asks what was in the bag. Without a word, the customer reaches in and pulls out a miniature piano, then a small man about a foot tall, who sits down at the piano and begins to bang out rhythm and blues.

"Wow, where'd you get that?" the barkeep asks.

"I found a bottle," the customer explains. "When I rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted me one wish. It's right here, he adds, reaching into his coat, "If you want to give it a try."

The bartender gives the bottle a rub and, sure enough, out pops a genie. "I want a million bucks," he says

Suddenly, the bar is filled with a million ducks. "Hey, I said bucks, not ducks! Is this genie deaf or something?" the bartender asks.

"Hey, friend, you don't think I actually asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?" says the customer.

[thedrifter]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[thedrifter]

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

[thedrifter]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[mardet65]

Question: What did the Hispanic fireman name his two sons?

Answer: Hose "A" and Hose "B"

[Art Petersn]

>Dear Abby:
>
>My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
>beginning,and when I confront him he denies everything. What's worse,
>everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost
>his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is
>sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to
>pay the bills.
>
>Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
>He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
>
>Signed Clueless

Dear Clueless:
>
>Dump him. Since you became a New York Senator you don't need him anymore.

[thedrifter]

Construction Worker on 3rd Floor



There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need",) and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got ****ed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

[thedrifter]

Summer Vacation



It is near the end of the school year, and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break.

The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each of my questions may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Four score and seven years ago?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher says, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary answers, "Martin Luther King."

The teacher says, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny is even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John Kennedy."

The teacher says, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turns her back, and Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher says, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny answers, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"

[thedrifter]

Neighborhood Report



Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[thedrifter]

Buying Condoms



A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[thedrifter]

The Eel



Little Johnny was only 12-years-old. He had been hearing a lot about courting from the older boys, so he asked his mother what and how it was done.

She told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This Johnny did, and this is what Johnny told his mother later.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then they turned off the lights, all but the blue one. Then the boyfriend began kissing her and putting his hand under her blouse.

"Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath, and then he took his hand from inside her blouse and put it under her dress. When he did this, Sis began to moan, sigh, squirm, and scoot down toward the edge of the couch, until soon she was lying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a big eel about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in his hand to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled it. Finally, Sis held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting. Sis had both hands on it, and she spread both her legs to she could get a better hold on it.

He helped her by laying on the eel. Soon they got the eel between them, and Sis wrapped her arms and legs around her boyfriend and they started to wrestle that darned eel between them, and that eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis squealed and her boyfriend almost upset the couch, and for a minute I thought the darned thing was going to get away from them, but Sis grabbed it just as it was going to get away from them and stuck it back between her legs. Pretty soon they gave a big long sigh and grunted and stopped moving.

"Her boyfriend got up and they sure had killed that eel because he hung, limber as a hot water bottle, with some of its insides hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started loving and kissing again, and by gosh, that eel came out and wanted to fight again. Sis gave a squeal and grabbed it in record time, and the way they both wrestled and battled with it-it was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they had a longer struggle, but Sis and her boyfriend finally won!

They really killed him this time because her boyfriend pulled its skin off and flushed it down the toilet."

[thedrifter]

Generous Offers



John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

[Art Petersn]

How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages....

English . . . . . . . . . . . . .I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . Ai ****e Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South
Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia & Kentucky . . . . . . . . Nice Ass, Get in the truck!

[thedrifter]

Tragedy



President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

[thedrifter]

Williams Marriage



One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married for thirty years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heartbroken. After 8 months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

[thedrifter]

CIA Test



Three guys applied for a job with the CIA. They all got up to the final test.

The first guy walked into the director's office and sat down. The director reached in his desk and pulled out a pistol. Laying it on the desk in front of the guy, he told him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and to the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."

The guy looked at him and said, "No way."

The director said, "You fail."

The next guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The second guy picked up the gun and headed for the room. He came back about 15 minutes later and told the director that he just couldn't go through with it.

The director said, "You fail."

The third guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The third guy headed up to the room. The director heard 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus-glass breaking, furniture getting smashed, things falling. The guy came back in beat up and his clothes tore up. The director said, "What happened to you?"

The guy replied, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."

[thedrifter]

Train Seats



An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

The Hillbilly Kid



Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a hillbilly kid, are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.

"Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.

"Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid and whips his own out. His penis is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed.

"Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, while eating dinner at home, the hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis.'"

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney, and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're 23!"

[greybeard]

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."
Man o man- I gotta figure a way to edit that with a Canadian slant!

[Sparrowhawk]

http://duff.dnsalias.com/Funny/Work/GotU.jpg

[thedrifter]

The Happy Couple



An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

[thedrifter]

Laughing baby



A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found?

Scroll down.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

The birth control pill.

[thedrifter]

Calling Home



A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Um... She's upstairs... in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh, is this 832-4821?"

[thedrifter]

Deer



A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

[thedrifter]

Finding Jesus



A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[thedrifter]

Letter of Recommendation



Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,
Project Leader

[thedrifter]

Ode To a Mammogram



For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."

She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!

[greybeard]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2160749477

rare war memorabalia

[lurchenstein]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by.

She'd holler, "Fifty dollars!"

He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what Bill had been really doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the! junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker where she always stood. Bill tried to evade the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog
past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks."
:D :evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!!!!"

[thedrifter]

You just have to love these:

Why are French streets tree-lined?
So the Germans can march in the shade.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows. It's never been tried.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.

How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

FOR SALE: French rifles . . .never fired, only dropped once.

Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only way the French
are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says.
"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends
and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why
the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago
and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of
State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response. Should we dig up the
graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? No French
answer was recorded

[thedrifter]

I approached a very beautiful woman in Walmart and said, "I've
lost my wife here in the Wal-Mart Super Center. Can you talk to
me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my
wife appears out of nowhere"

[thedrifter]

The Preacher(s) & the Bear

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it. It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.

"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.

In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers ....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is...........until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

[thedrifter]

Walk With Pride



A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -- he got four balls."

The Scottish man stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!"

[thedrifter]

Statues



For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

[thedrifter]

Cuckoo Clock



At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

[firstsgtmike]

If anyone can truly appreciate this......
It is a Classic joke with a new twist.
I appreciate the twist.

Lt. Brown decides to take his boss Major Frank to play 9 holes of golf on their lunch hour. While both men are playing excellent golf, two women in front of them moving at an extremely slow pace are holding them up. The Lt. offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up. He gets about half of the way there, stops, and jogs back. The Major asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife, and the other my mistress," complained the Lt.

The Major just shook his head and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he also stopped short and turned around.

The Lt. asked, "what's wrong?"
The Major responded, "It's a small, small world Lieutenant. Start packing, you can expect your transfer orders to Antartica to arrive tomorrow morning."

[thedrifter]

ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?

Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You
can't take your time.

Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK?
Let's find out just how
smart and clever you really are. Ready? ... GO!!!

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second
person. What position are you in?

ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you
are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his
place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much
time as you took for the
first question. (You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person,
then you are...?

ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to
last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST
person?!

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must
be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a
calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is
actually 4100. Don't
believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?

LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The
fifth daughter's name
is Mary. Read the question again.

You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!! Pass this along to
someone else who could stand
a little fun and a challenge today.

[eddief]

Two muffins are baking in the oven. The first muffin says "Damn it's hot in here". The other muffin says "Holy ****! It's a talking muffin.

[Osotogary]

..I posted this cartoon here. I would have liked you all to see it while you were drinking your morning coffee. I think it's pretty funny but hey, you folks are the audience. Enjoy.
Gary

[thedrifter]

1. Ever notice a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.


2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as
they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl,"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says its a ***** to iron."


I saved the best for last:

7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[thedrifter]

wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her
tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man
has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die
within minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they could
see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male
patient.
OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

[thedrifter]

Farmer Joe's Accident



Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,?'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question: Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape that I had to shoot her."

"How are you feeling ?"

[thedrifter]

With Jesus Now



Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

[thedrifter]

Hole-In-One



Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

[thedrifter]

http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/toons/8308.gif

[thedrifter]

http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/toons/7980.jpg

[thedrifter]

emailed to me from Cas.........


Just about the time you thunk you know everything
>
>
>
> A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
>
> A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
>
> A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
>
> A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
>
> A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
>
> A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the
air
> is a skein.
>
> A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time -- 1/100th of a second.
>
> A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
>
> A snail can sleep for three years.
>
> Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
>
> All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the
> back of the $5 bill.
>
> All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
>
> Almonds are a member of the peach family.
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
> Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
> reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
> Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
>
> Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they
live?
>
> "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
>
> February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a
Full
> moon.
>
> In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
>
> If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
> would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
>
> If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend
> an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
>
> In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
>
> It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
>
> Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
>
> Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los
> Angeles de Porciuncula"
>
> Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
>
> Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
>
> No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
> purple.
>
> On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the parliament
> building is an American flag.
>
> Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
> never stop growing.
>
> Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
>
> Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye."
>
> "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand,
> "lollipop" with your right.
>
> The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
>
> The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
>
> The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there
> were three gifts.
>
> The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the
> cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful
Life."
>
> The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of
diesel
> that it burns.
>
> The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
>
> The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
>
> The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and
> a
> chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
>
> The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter
> is "uncopyrightable".
>
> The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
> letter of the alphabet.
>
> The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
> solid.
>
> The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they
> are
> read left to right or right to left. (palindromes)
>
> There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
>
> There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
>
> There are more chickens than people in the world.
>
> There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous":
> tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
>
> There are two words in the English language hat have all five vowels
in
> order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
>
> There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which
> occurs five times: "indivisibility".
>
> There's no Betty Rubblein the Flintstones Chewables.
>
> Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
>
> Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
>
> TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only
> on one row of the keyboard.
>
> Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
>
> Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
>
> Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
> otherwise it will digest itself.
>
> ......now you know everything

[thedrifter]

Cas sent me this to.......


A man, while playing on the front nine of a
> > > > complicated golf course,
> > > > >>became confused as to where he was on the course.
> > > > >>
> > > > >>Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of
> > > > him. He walked up to her,
> > > > >>explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
> > > > what hole he was
> > > > >>playing.
> > > > >>
> > > > >>She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a
> > > > hole behind me, so you
> > > > >>must be on the 6th hole."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the
> > > > back nine the same
> > > > >>thing happened; and he approached her again with
> > > > the same request. She
> > > > >>said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind
> > > > me, so you must be on
> > > > >>the 13th hole."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>Once again he thanked her and returned to his
> > > > play. He finished his
> > > > >>round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
> > > > same lady sitting at
> > > > >>the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he
> > > > knew the lady. The
> > > > >>bartender said that she was a sales lady and
> > > > played the course often.
> > > > >>
> > > > >>He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a
> > > > drink in appreciation for
> > > > >>your help. I understand that you are in the sales
> > > > profession. I'm in
> > > > >>sales, also. What do you sell?"
> > > > >>
> > > > >>She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>"No, I won't."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work
> > > > for Tampax."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his
> > > > breath.
> > > > >>
> > > > >>She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
> > > > >>
> > > > >>"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
> > > > "I'm a salesman for
> > > > >>Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
> > > >

[Art Petersn]

> After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the
> mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that
> need repair or correction.
> The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the
> mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on
the
> lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot
reviews
> the gripe sheets before the next flight.
> Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,
> as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance
> engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never
had
> an accident.
> > P = The problem logged by the pilot.
> > S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
>
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> > P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
> > S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
>
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for.
>
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> > P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
>
> > P: Number 3 engine missing.
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> > P: Target radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

[thedrifter]

A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY
> > > > City, came to a dead
> > > > halting traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this
> > > > traffic seems worse than
> > > > usual.
> > > >
> > > > Nothing's even moving."
> > > >
> > > > He notices a police officer walking back and forth
> > > > between the lines of
> > > > cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,
> > > > "Officer what's the hold
> > > > up?"
> > > >
> > > > The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so
> > > > depressed about all
> > > > the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many
> > > > jokes, she stopped her
> > > > motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's
> > > > threatening to douse
> > > > herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She
> > > > says her husband is
> > > > running around on her more than ever and the
> > > > Democrats told her to
> > > > forget about the presidency in 2004. So we're
> > > > taking up a collection for
> > > > her."
> > > >
> > > > The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so
> > > > far?"
> > > >
> > > > The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot
> > > > of folks are still
> > > > siphoning."
> > > >

[thedrifter]

woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with
>a fly swatter.
>
>"What are you doing?" She asked.
>
>"Hunting Flies" He responded.
>
>"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
>
>"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
>
>
>Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
>
>He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[thedrifter]

Top bumper stickers you would like to see:
> >
> > . Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are an *******.
> >
> >
> >* Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
> >
> >
> >* The proctologist called... they found your head.
> >
> >
> >* Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any
film.
> >
> >
> >
> >* Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
> >
> >
> >* Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
> >
> >
> >* I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.
> >
> >
> >* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> >
> >
> >* Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be
one.
> >
> >
> >* Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people
> >"Everybody But Me."
> >
> >
> >* Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
> >
> >
> >* Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
> >
> >
> >* If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
> >
> >
> >* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
> >
> >
> >* Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to
be
> >out by itself.
> >
> >
> >* Hang up and drive!!
> >

[thedrifter]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
> > >The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and
hands
> > >him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the
menu.
Just
> > >bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and
order
> > >from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish
> > >pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's
table
and
> > >hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes
in a
> > >deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
> > >potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards
> > >the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her
> > >what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
> > >
> > >Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings
> > >him a menu again. "Sir, remember? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry,
I
> > >didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner
again
> > >retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After
another
> > >deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
> > >macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in
> > >disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with
him
> > >and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's
going
> > >to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
> > >
> > >He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming
> > >and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on
your
> > >panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands
her
> > >husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down,
the
> > >owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I
remembered
> > >you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts
the
> > >fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
> > >
> > >"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"
> > >
> > >
> > >Today is a wonderful New Day! Enjoy it !

[thedrifter]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
> > > > not saying a
> > > > word.
> > > > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > > > neither of them wanted
> > > > to concede their position.
> > > > As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
> > > > pigs, the husband
> > > > asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> > > > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> > > >

[thedrifter]

vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out
of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas
station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He
sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream
and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the
engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

[thedrifter]

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER
------------------------------------------------
1: THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. Female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. Male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking
off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
home run or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement
and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we
end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels
every 2 minutes.

[thedrifter]

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
------------------------------------------------
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I
need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on
the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

[thedrifter]

Equipment Specialist / Logistics Support
ASC/LUU SOF Support Center


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. Please note
.... these are all numbered ! "1" ON PURPOSE!

# 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.

# 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live
with it.

# 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

# 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.

# 1. Crying is blackmail.

# 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll
get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

# 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.

# 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes
you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out
of thirty, would ! look good with your dress?

# 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question. Please pick one.

# 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

# 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

# 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car
engine as soon as you hear it.

# 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.

# 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.

# 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

# 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.

# 1. Whenever possible, please say w! hatever you have
to say during commercials.

# 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.

# 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
And quit whining to your girlfriends.

# 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin
is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

# 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

# 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how
little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

# 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

# 1. When we have to go somewhe! re, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

# 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to
take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which
quiz.

# 1. Nascar is as exciting for us as handbags are for
you.

# 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape

# 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have
to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we
really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Art Petersn]

Subject: Iraq

SEC.STATE Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi news-paper reporter and accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only 13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"

Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are United States Marines."

[Sixguns]

1. Joined the Army Reserve and National Guard to get the college money.

2. Took jobs in defense industry because while they couldn't read a map, they could still pack munitions and supplies for the war effort.

3. Went to college to become architects, engineers and builders to develop the vacant desert and lands between Iran and Syria.

etc........

Sec. of State Powell later told American press members:

"Yeah, well, only 5 percent of Iraqi students know what a map is!"

[Hollywood33]

The sky was dark, the moon was high all alone just her and I. Her hair so soft, her eyes so blue, I knew just what she wanted to do.Her skin so warm, her hair so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how but I tried my best, I placed my hand upon her breast. I remember my fear, my fast beating heart, then slowly she spread her legs apart. As I did it, I felt no shame, then all at once the white stuff came. At last I was finished, it's all over now, this was my first time...milking a cow!

What were ou thinking!!!
I hope I made somebody laugh!

[thedrifter]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
> > > > devoted wife.
> > > > She was a very good looking woman, and determined to
> > > > keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
> > > > so she
> > > > decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch
> > > > hand.
> > > > Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
> > > > other a drunk.
> > > > She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
> > > > else
> > > > applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring
> > > > it would be safer to
> > > > have him around the house than the drunk.
> > > >
> > > > He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
> > > > every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
> > > > the two of them
> > > > worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
> > > > Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
> > > > hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch
> > > > looks great.
> > > > You should go into town and kick up your heels." The
> > > > hired hand readily
> > > > agreed
> > > > and went into town one Saturday night. However, one
> > > > o'clock came and
> > > > he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
> > > > returned around
> > > > two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by
> > > > the fireplace.
> > > >
> > > > She quietly called him over to her.
> > > >
> > > > "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
> > > > Trembling, he did as she directed.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my socks." He did.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my skirt." He did.
> > > >
> > > > "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he
> > > > did as he was told.
> > > >
> > > > " Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly
> > > > pulled them down and
> > > > off.
> > > >
> > > > Then she looked at him and said.......
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll
> > > > fire you on the spot ! "

[thedrifter]

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the
woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking
and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess that explains the
goatee."

[thedrifter]

Bones sent me this.......



Stomp out the Taliban





Click on the web site below and have a little fun.
http://www.passitaround.com/greetingcard/cardgifs/full/ap/3024535/graphic1.swf

[thedrifter]

IS THIS A CRAZY WORLD OR WHAT!!!!!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century:

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! (IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?)

[thedrifter]

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. (For those who don't know
about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who
died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene
pool.)

The 2002 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, a mechanic from
Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what
police
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft".

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C.
Awakening
to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which
discharged
when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a
pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the
strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously had conducted demonstration of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room
with
no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed
by
his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large
amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily
of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the
right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep
from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had
he
been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been
fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According
to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating
"this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was
hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News
of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South
Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and
was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]: A cigarette lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using
a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was
using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector
D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved
and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were seriously
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock
are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging
trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older model truck had burned out.
As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22
caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to
the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights
again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the
White River Bridge.
After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing, the bullet
apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and
striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis
sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck,
Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did
anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia!)

No matter how bad things get, remember, 'this too shall pass'. Believe
it! ! !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~;-)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to
what happens.

[thedrifter]

Thuds



A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[thedrifter]

Diagnoses



A young doctor had moved to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately," she said.

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you, at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[thedrifter]

Gender Of Computers



A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships were addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem themselves.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it

[thedrifter]

Police



A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, "What the heck," and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.

He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.

[thedrifter]

Guts



Two guys were hunting and got separated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log, he soon fell a sleep.

Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap.

A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have **** my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of God and a greasy stick, I would never have gotten 'em back in."

[thedrifter]

Midget Horse



This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.

The friend says, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.

"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little ****ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

[thedrifter]

Stone Surprise



One day, two boys were playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked-there was a woman bathing naked in the stream. The two boys watched in silence. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

[thedrifter]

Money for a Grope



An old man on the beach walks up to a beautiful girl in a bikini and exclaims, "I want to feel your breasts."

"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replies.

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $20," he says.

"Twenty dollars? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $100," he states.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offers.

She pauses to think about it but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claims.

She thought, Well, he's old and he seems harmless enough...and $500 is a lot of money...

"Well, okay. But only for a minute."

She loosens her bikini top, and while both are standing on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel.

Then he starts saying, "Oh, my God... Oh, my God... OH MY GOD...

Out of curiosity, she asks," Why do you keep saying, Oh my god?"

Continuing to feel her breasts, he answers, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $500?"

[thedrifter]

THECONDOM

[thedrifter]

ALF

[thedrifter]

BILLY

[thedrifter]

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink, and if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside a bar drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that darn nun again is it?"

[thedrifter]

A TOUGH CHOICE
>
> A man is dating three women and wants to decide which
> to marry.
>
> He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a
> present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with
> the money.
>
> The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy
> beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys
> several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the
> man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
> attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
> man was impressed.
>
> The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
> gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for
> his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
> presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
> all the money on him because she loves him so much.
> Again, the man is impressed.
>
> The third invests the money in the stock market. She
> earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his
> $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
> She tells him that she wants to save for their future
> because she loves him so much.
>
> Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for
> a long time about what each woman had done with the
> money he'd given her.
>
> Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
>
> Men are like that, you know
>

[thedrifter]

Raisin Bread



The owner of a general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts. One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the uppermost shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon, each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down the ladder.

After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.

"Is yours raisin, too?" she yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man, "but it's starting to twitch!"

[thedrifter]

Did You Cheat On Your Wife?



Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.

The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."

Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

[thedrifter]

Flat Tire



Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final with a solid "A." They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?"

[thedrifter]

Perfection



Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.





So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

[thedrifter]

- THE BLONDE MYSTERY
Blonde and the Seven Ten Cap
Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."

She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

SCROLL DOWN

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http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/8698.jpg

[thedrifter]

Could John Perhaps be a Blonde?
John and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

John says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again, John says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - "

Just then the power goes out and John doesn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies "Aw, John, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

[thedrifter]

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the Northeast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: "A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick."

JUDGE TWO: "Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: "Holy sh**, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy!"

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: "Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang."

JUDGE TWO: "Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously."

FRANK: "Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face."

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: "Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans."

JUDGE TWO: "A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. "

FRANK: "Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: "Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing."

JUDGE TWO: "Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili."

FRANK: "I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating."

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive."

JUDGE TWO: "Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: "My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F*** those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: "Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers."

JUDGE TWO: "The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb."

FRANK: "My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!"

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: "A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers."

JUDGE TWO: "Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably."

FRANK: "You could put a f***ing grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.
My pants are full of hot lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. F*** it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach."

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: "A perfect ending, this is a nice bland chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence."

JUDGE TWO: "This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it or not. Poor Yankee."

[thedrifter]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the
boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and
said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free
bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch
the expression on his face!"

[thedrifter]

A wealthy man decides to go on a safari in Africa.
> > He takes his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day,
the
> > dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the
dachshund
> > discovers that he is lost.
> > So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
> > direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
dachshund
> > thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
> > Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately
> > settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching
> > cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims
> > loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there
are any
> > more around here?"
> > Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a
look
> > of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says
> > the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
> >
> > Meanwhile, a monkey who has been watching the whole scene from a
> > nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it
> > for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the
dachshund
> > sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that
> > something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard,
> > spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
> >
> > The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey
> > hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> > canine."
> > Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

> > back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
> > But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers,
> > pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get
close
> > enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent
him
> > off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
> >
> > SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE THEN
> > BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL!

[thedrifter]

WIFE


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...
Double Income, No Kids"

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich,Urban, Biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

[thedrifter]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
> piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
>
> Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
> up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited
> all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel
> and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
> what was happening and cried horribly.
>
> Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads
> later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he
> saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something
> amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's
> neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake
> it off and take a step up.
>
> Pretty soon everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge
> of the well and trotted off. The Moral...
>
> Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
> getting out of a hole is to shake it off and take a step up.
>
> Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
> holes just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a
> step up!
>
>
> Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>
> 1. Free your heart from hatred.
>
> 2. Free your mind from worries.
>
> 3. Live simply.
>
> 4. Give more.
>
> 5. Expect less.
>
> O.K., that's enough of that B.S... The donkey later came back, caught
> the farmer out in the field and kicked the **** out of him. Then he went
> over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the **** out of them too
> for helping.
>
> The REAL Moral to the Story...
>
> When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

[thedrifter]

A wealthy tourist walks into an ancient curio shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it is
striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the
owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can
keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he
noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and
had begun to follow him down the street.

This was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple
blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they were
squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats Now
numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming at him faster and
faster. Terrified he ran to the edge of the Bay, and hurled the bronze
rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats
jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back
to the curio shop.

"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

[DanBO]

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. * The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to
lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks
the class for an example of a "tragedy".* One little boy stands up and
offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and
a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little
girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a
cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
*"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what* we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give
me an example of a tragedy?"
*Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend and Mrs. Jackson were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Art Petersn]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your fxxking cat."

[eddief]

True story told to me by my dad who is a former Marine and is currently a mailman. On his route some years back there was an English lady he would see quite often sitting on a rocker on her front porch with her pet. One day she asks him,"Would you like to pet my pussy?"

Without missing a beat my dad replied," Sure,just move that damn cat!"

It was a damn good thing that lady had a great sense of humor.

[thedrifter]

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again.

[thedrifter]

STRANDED IN THE DESERT

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks
pretty grim.

"I know, Father," the nun answered.

"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or
two."

"I agree," said the nun.

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see
yours."

"Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit, and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented, and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Can I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a
huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give
life."

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass, so we can get the **** out
of here."

[thedrifter]

Just an e-mail Note



An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

Privates on Parade



Two generals, one from the Army and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general called over an airman.

"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder,' and then jump off!"

"Yes, SIR!" replied the airman.

He took off for the flagpole like a shot, scaled the pole, sang the anthem, saluted, and jumped off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismissed him.

"Now, that's bravery!" exclaimed the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorted the Army general. "Get over here, private!"

"Yes, Sir!" replied the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down head first."

"Yes, SIR!" replied the private, who completed the task as directed.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!"

They looked at the Marine.

"Private!" he said.

"Yes, SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snapped to attention, looked at the general and said, "To hell with you, sir."

The general turned to the others and said, "Now that's bravery!"

[thedrifter]

Dominated By Women



Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[thedrifter]

know the Hole Truth



At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father.

"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

[Art Petersn]

Rodney Dangerfield's - Best 20
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I would have
had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. She wasn't home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on and buttonfell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster anda radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror.... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

20. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was sitting in the Electric chair.

[thedrifter]

Just like a pastor who couldn't stop temptation.
>
> >
> >
> >
> > The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood
quietly
for
> a
> > moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping
with
> > music.
> > Every once in a while the lights would go out, and the whole place
would
> > erupt into cheers. After a few moments, though, the revelers caught
sight
> of
> > the pastor, and the room went dead silent.
> >
> > He walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the
restroom?"
> >
> > The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
> >
> > "Why not?" the pastor asked.
> >
> > "Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and
her
most
> > private part is covered only by a fig leaf."
> >
> > "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."
> >
> > So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the
stairs,
> and
> > he proceeded to the restroom. The dancing and rowdiness resumed;
and
when
> > the
> > lights went out again, the crowd cheered even more wildly than
before.
> >
> > After a few minutes, the preacher came back out; and the crowd
stopped
> > dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of
applause.
> >
> > He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why
did
they
> > applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
> >
> > "Well, now they know you're one of us!" said the bartender.
> >
> > "But, I'm afraid I still don't understand," said the puzzled
pastor.
> >
> > "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that
statue
> is
> > lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place."
> >

[thedrifter]

Woman On Bus



A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[thedrifter]

Hole Behind



A man visited a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting, so he got the directions to a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused about where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Hail Stones



A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls, and her car got dented up really bad. The next day, she took her car into a repair shop to have the dents examined.

The repairman, noticing that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, decided to have some fun. He told her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she got home, as this would cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, over and over. Just then, her best friend, who also is blonde, showed up. Her friend saw her blowing into the tailpipe and was quite startled by the action.

She blurted out flippantly, "What are you doing!?"

The first blonde told her the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe real hard so that the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

[thedrifter]

Try Being Nicer?



Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[Art Petersn]

DINNER CONVERSATION
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you live with her in our house?
MAN: Well, probably, it is paid for.
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - -
MAN: Oh, ****.

[Hollywood33]

what is the difference between a fairy tale and a war story? a fairy tale begins "Once upon a time" and a war story begins "This is no sh**!"

[Art Petersn]

Subject: France


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac,
President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for
an
attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot.
Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blount (MO)

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its

national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"

Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you

are French.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a
beret... he is French, people." Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to
help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't even help
us get the Germans out of France." Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag." David Letterman

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?
It's not known, it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer
France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas,
Manager, DC Improv.

"It is important to remember that the
French have always been there when they needed us." -Alan Kent

[Barrio_rat]

Nothing says AMERICA like sponsorship....

[Barrio_rat]

A little girl comes running home from her first day at kindergarten class all excited.

Her mom says, "Hi honey, what did you learn today?"

The little girl is all excited. She replies. "Well Billy told me how we really get babies!"

"Oh REALLY?!" her mom replies inquisitively. "And what did Billy say, exactly?" she continues.

The little girl replies, "Well Billy says that boys have a thing between their legs that hangs down, and he called it a penis."

"Um hum," the mother grunts, very interested now!

The girl continues, "And Billy says that if a girl touches his penis it grows bigger and gets hard."

"Yes, go on," says the mom.

"And if the girl puts the penis into her mouth, well, then, um, that's how we really get babies," the girl finishes.

The mom chuckles to herself, takes a deep breath and explains to the girl, "My goodness, that Billy is sure knowledgeable for such a young man! Yes, the boys do have a penis. And it does get hard. But when a girl puts it in her mouth, well, that's not how we get babies honey. That's how we get jewelry!"

[Barrio_rat]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[Barrio_rat]

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.

Horny.

Sleepy.

[Barrio_rat]

Top Ten Signs You're Gonna Need Backup

1. The suspect is wearing a welding mask and using a flame-thrower.
2. The disturbance you were called to is a wedding party for a family of Samoan sumo-wrestlers.
3. You get caught up in a shootout with aliens using photon torpedoes.
4. The home team won the championship.
5. The KKK got a permit to march on Martin Luther King Blvd. during Martin Luther King Day celebrations.
6. Environmental extremists spring 200,000 lemurs from a fur coat factory in your patrol area.
7. The chief has taken the mayor hostage.
8. Report of a bar brawl between NFL and NBA's largest superstars.
9. Tonya Harding.
10. Cable TV is out in your town.

Top Ten Threats to National Security

1. Geraldo Rivera with a gun in Afghanistan.
2. Assassination attempts by salted snack foods on the President.
3. Executives like the ones who cashed out from Enron.
4. Shoe-bombs.
5. Failure to address wage increases for overworked public safety personnel.
6. Sleeper cells.
7. Continued warnings to be on incredibly ultimate highest state of alertness.
8. Mike Tyson.
9. Imported beef products (mad cow).
10. Al Sharpton's plans to run for President.

[Barrio_rat]

"To Serve and Protect" Motto Replacements

1. "To unnerve and suspect"
2. "You call, we brawl"
3. "To provide you idiots with outstanding police services"
4. "No call's too small"
5. "Deserving and neglected since 1865"
6. "To serve and protect, despite the current provisions as laid out in the city's proposed contract"
7. "Enforcement with a smile"
8. "To be slightly injured and collect"
9. "If we're not there in 10 minutes you get a free pizza"
10."Cops-r-Us"


The Top Ten Reasons for the Drop in Crime

1. 70 percent of former crooks are now consultants for Microsoft.
2. Armed robbers are addicted to "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"
3. "Survivor."
4. Increased traffic congestion makes drive-by shootings extremely difficult.
5. Bad guys sure do love those Harry Potter books.
6. Playstation 2.
7. Prozac.
8. No ten-year-old who's ever seen an episode of Oz is going to risk incarceration.
9. Compstat.
10. A lot of overworked, underpaid cops busting their ass to make a better place.

[thedrifter]

A Wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa

He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the
dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund
discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction
with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm
in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now
the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough
to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an
hour ago to bring me another leopard."

SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH
BULL****!!

[thedrifter]

Banker Joke



A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The account person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The account person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag." The account person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag chock full of green bills with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the account person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?" he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got one hundred thousand dollars right here that says by noon tomorrow, your balls will be square, and I'll even give you four to one odds. You got twenty five thousand dollars you'd be willing to wager on that?" she asks.

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you. There's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shakes the bag, and says, "I know what I'm doing. I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Okay, have it your way," says the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at eleven-fifty-five tomorrow morning," says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.

The next morning at 11:55, the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He's gotten almost no sleep last night, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He has checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing.

When the little old lady arrives, he starts to relax, knowing he has won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" says the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," says the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"

"Not so fast!" says the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Okay, you win, here's your hundred grand," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, we had a million dollar bet that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

[thedrifter]

Blind Man In a Restaurant



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[thedrifter]

Will You Marry Me



The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut."

[thedrifter]

Don't Fall Asleep in Church



A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in 6six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

[thedrifter]

Just an e-mail Note



An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[thedrifter]

United States Armed Forces Voicemail


Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.
All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.
When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran ... well you get the picture, and our compulsory "Consideration of the Feelings of Others" orientation classes, we'll be happy to return your call.

For more options, please press one now.
(beep)

If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one of two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.

If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis.

If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, **** your women, run over your civilians with their vehicles, **** on your fire hydrants, and in general be a royal pain in the ass, press 5 for the United States Army.

If you're in real trouble, press 6 for the United States Marine Corp Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory credit check is completed. Please note that the USMC Command Center may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be highly classified.

If you'd like to join the U.S. Marines, where you'll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline.

[thedrifter]

Two Marines were having a chat during their free time.
First Marine: Why did you join the Marine Corp?
Second Marine: I didn't have a wife and I love war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the Corp?
First Marine: I had a wife and I love peace. So I joined.




Little Melissa and the Marines:
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

[thedrifter]

A Chest X-ray:
A Marcad (Marine flight student) who really stirred things up for a while. A cook had come down with TB. Everybody had to have a chest X-ray. So everyone had to line up and go through the process. Three days later the Navy Corpsmen came hurrying down to the flight line looking for the Marine.
''He's flying,'' came the answer from the ready room. It seems that the X-ray showed a .45 slug right next to his heart. He was recalled from his solo flight and met at the airplane. ''What's the problem?''
''How did you get shot?''
''I was not shot.''
They checked for a scar and found none. The Marine said it must be somebody else and they mixed up the order of X-rays in line. Then they had to check everybody. The Navy Corpsmen never figured out that the Marine had scotch-taped the slug to his chest for the X-ray.

[thedrifter]

USMC In Afghanistan:
A Taliban Army Platoon was on patrol when the
commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop
above their location. The commander told two of his
soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped
their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could
toward the Marine. Just before they got to the
top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The two soldiers followed.

For the next few moments there were bloody screams
and dust flying in the air. Then as quickly as it had
started, it stopped and the Marine appeared back on
the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened
his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking
down at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go
get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they
could toward him. Just before they got to the
top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there
were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. When
it stopped, the Marine again returned to the hilltop.
He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover,
crossed his arms and stood there looking down at the
remaining Taliban soldiers.

The commander was really hot now. He ordered the
rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined
that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one
lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they
ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the
Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The blood-thirsty soldiers followed. For many
minutes there were horrific screams and clouds of dust
flying in the air. It continued and continued.

When it finally stopped, one lone soldier came
crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat
about the head and shoulders. His uniform was
torn, cuts were all over his body. The commander
demanded a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch
his breath, replied in a forceful yet trembling
voice, "Sir, run... it was a trick. There are TWO
of them!!"

[thedrifter]

Rooster Race



An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.

"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[thedrifter]

Generous Offers



John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary heard the bell, got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door.

Their neighbor Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

[thedrifter]

Train Seats



An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

Pickle Slicer



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."

[thedrifter]

IraqLand


http://www.stevenshiles.com/Iraq_Land.jpg

[thedrifter]

IRAQ PREPARE FOR WAR



http://www.stevenshiles.com/prepare_war.jpg

[lurchenstein]

Excellent choice of beverage Saddam!:evilgrin:

[Osotogary]

Do you think that this could ever happen?

[thedrifter]

Horoscope Test...


If you are honest this tells the truth-it's pretty good.

Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating! The answers are at the bottom of this page.

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow

3. Your first initial.

4. Your month of birth.

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number.

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)








Answers

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose: Red - You are alert and you life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is: A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in: Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be to great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

5. If you chose..... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend that completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize this.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

8. If you chose: California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person.

9. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you send this to.five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your birthday this year!

[lurchenstein]

What if...?

Only in go-rilla warfare, Gary. Still enjoying your cartoons.

[thedrifter]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[thedrifter]

> The Kind of Golfer's I Like
> >
> > It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a
busy
> course and
> he
> > was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing the
> upcoming shot, when
> a
> > piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker.
> "Would the
> gentleman
> > on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
> >
> > He could feel every eye on the course looking at him.
He
> was still deep
> > in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption.
> >
> > Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S
tee
> kindly back up
> > to the men's tee." He simply ignored the guy and kept
> concentrating,
> when
> > once more, the man yelled:
> >
> > "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S
TEE,
> PLEASE!!!"
> >
> >
> > He finally stopped, turned, looked through the
clubhouse
> window directly
> > at the person with the microphone, cupped his hands
and
> shouted back,
> > ........ "WOULD THE ******* IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY
SHUT
> THE F%*K UP
> AND
> > LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!!!!"
>
>
>

[lurchenstein]

Pickle Slicer

Drifter, you hooked me on the pickle slicer. I thought the boy was into self-mutilation.

[thedrifter]

Fallen



There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

[thedrifter]

Playing In the Closet



Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

[thedrifter]

Texas



A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.

"Don't stop," said the Texan.

[thedrifter]

The Mailman's Last Day



It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, '**** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[thedrifter]

The Irate Customer



For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[thedrifter]

Healing



An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin.

With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

[thedrifter]

Electric Sex



Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ****ing fence wasn't electrified."

[thedrifter]

Fifteen ways to avoid a good southern ass whuppin.

------------------------------------

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and
Northeastern Urbanites:


1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.
It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day.
Let them cook something they know.
If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.


2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn,
Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.


3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.
Down here it's called Coke.
Nobody gives a **** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke.
Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.


4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner).
We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.


5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton).
We don't care if you think we are dumb.
We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate.
If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.


6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments.
If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.
If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.


7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.


8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.
Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee.
Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy.
And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.


9) Don't fake a Southern accent.
This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.


10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better.
Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we
have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are.
Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.


11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English.
We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you.
We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.
All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters.
Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.


12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.


13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am.
We hold doors open for others.
We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people.
Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll
kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.


14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside?
That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools
like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.


15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue.
This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass

[leroy8541]

And don't tell us how to cook FISH either,
you might not get none!!
then you'll get your ass kicked!!

[marinemom]

The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas: Know them and learn them.

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup
truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year..

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.

Try to understand the concept.

6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to our ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices-salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.

14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

18. Colleges? Try UT, Texas Tech or Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state.

So, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do, you will get your butt kicked by the best!

20. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."

[thedrifter]

At the Confessional 2



It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in the lineup. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I touched a man with my finger!"

"Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you could have been in a crowded elevator or some similar place," the priest says.

"Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I touched him right on his private parts!" >

"You slut! You filthy tart!" screams the good father. "Say a hundred Hail Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she does.

The second nun enters the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand."

"Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you might have stumbled and he lent you a hand," the priest says.

"Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I held his private parts right in my hand!"

"Why you slut! You *****!" roars the good Father. "Say a thousand Hail Mary's and dip your hand in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she did.

At this point, the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me sister, but would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?"

"Now why would you be wantin' to do that, I wonder?" asks the third nun.

To which the fourth nun replies, "Well, it looks as if I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water, and I want to do so before you sit in it!"

[thedrifter]

Cat



An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF. Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF. She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF. Standing before her is a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

[thedrifter]

Don't Disgrace your Family



There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[thedrifter]

The Skiing Trip



Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[thedrifter]

Name It



The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking about how one refers to the penis in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Then the wife of Clinton says that in the U. S. you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

[thedrifter]

Theory On Hell



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

[Barrio_rat]

THE WAR ON TERRORISM.......

The Canadians are going to help America with the war on terrorism. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships,
6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets.

Unfortunately, after the exchange rate conversion, we ended up with 2 canoes, 1 Mountie and some flying squirrels.

[ktriplett]

The FBI has issued a warning in Lancaster County, PA. They suspect a terrorist may be hiding among the Amish community.
This photo provided the first clue that triggered the investigation:

[thedrifter]

Puzzling

A blonde calls her boyfriends and says, "please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. "Let's have a beer, and then ........" he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[JDCMARINE]

Good to go.

[thedrifter]

MARINES! FIRST IRAQ - THEN FRANCE - GERMANY - KOREA


http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/8760.jpg

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas

Have a coke and a smile.

Bob

There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Which is why I'm only sending one more...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas


HER DIARY
> > Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at
> a
> > bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
> > thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
> > comment.
> > Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
> we
> > could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
> > I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
> > I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing
> to
> > do with me and not to worry.
> > On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
> > driving.
> > I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you,
> > too."
> > When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
> do
> > with me anymore.
> > He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.
> > Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed
and
> to
> > my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt
> > that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
> > I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
> > with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
> > I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
> > I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
> someone
> > else.
> > My life is a disaster.
> >
> > HIS DIARY
> > Today the Packers lost, but at least I got laid.

[thedrifter]

sent to me by cas

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT ***** - She is a LOW COST PROVIDE

[thedrifter]

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep
> > > France!
> > >
> > > ---John Lippman
> > >
> > > "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
> > > drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
> > > prostitutes."
> > >
> > > ---Mark Twain
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
> > > one behind me."
> > >
> > > ---General George S. Patton
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
> > > accordion."
> > >
> > > ---Norman Schwartzkopf
> > >
> > >
> > > "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
> > > it."
> > >
> > > ---Marge Simpson
> > >
> > >
> > > "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
> > >
> > > ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
> > >
> > >
> > > "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
> > >
> > > ---Rush Limbaugh,
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
> > > is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
> > >
> > > ---Regis Philbin
> > >
> > >
> > > "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
> > > better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit
> > > outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more
> > > stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I
> don't
> > > know."
> > >
> > > ---P.J O'Rourke (1989)
> > >
> > >
> > > "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
> > > the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't
> > > have the face for it."
> > >
> > > ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
> > > he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,
> > > people."
> > >
> > > ---Conan O'Brien
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
> > > Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans
> out
> > > of France!"
> > >
> > > ---Jay Leno
> > >
> > > "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it [the proof] came
> > > marching into Paris under a German flag."
> > >
> > > ---David Letterman
> > >
> > >

[thedrifter]

Blind Man



Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

[thedrifter]

Dumb and Dumber



Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

[thedrifter]

New Math



A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

[thedrifter]

American History



It was the first day of school, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was entering the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."

The Teacher asked, "Who said that?"

Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"

Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

[Barrio_rat]

AT&T

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please.

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me.

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, hat I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeth?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T & T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click........

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas


A very shy guy goes into a club and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he
finally goes over to her and asks,tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I
chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

[thedrifter]

MOSES


Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

[thedrifter]

man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are
in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim
replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller!
I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco??" Bob exclaimed, ....."No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
************************************************** *****

[thedrifter]

Five Floors



A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[thedrifter]

The Farmer



A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?"

"Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man said, "Okay, but that's not so bad."

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened then?"

"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Again?" said the man.

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?"

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm..." said the man.

"Some things you just can't explain," replied the farmer.

"So, what did you do?"

"Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."

[thedrifter]

My Name Is Turner Brown



A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big guy looks down and says "Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

[thedrifter]

Moths



A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

[thedrifter]

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. NOW, wasn't that nice? Pass it along and make someone else smile, too.

[DanBO]

The Irish War with Saddam...

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in
County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is, myself, my cousin Sean, my next
door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move
on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed
to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel
carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed
to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
1,000 bombers! and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the morning', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to
tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no bloody
way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!

[marinemom]

Ten reasons to go to work naked......

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.'
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
Your boss will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever
again.