Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
__________________________________________________ __________
> > Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
__________________________________________________ ______
> > On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.
> > We want tows."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
> > on fire and take appropriate action."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're
> > looking for, you've come to the right place."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > My "personal" favorite....:) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome!
> > Dog food is expensive."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -
> > miss a car payment."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
> > coming."
__________________________________________________ _______
> > In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
__________________________________________________ ________
> > At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
> > your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry,
> > come on in and get fed up.
__________________________________________________ ________
> > In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little grills."
__________________________________________________ ________
> > And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
> > to take a leak."

> > Have a good day!

[thedrifter]

Subject: World's Thinnest Books
>>>>
>>>>20. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
>>>>19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
>>>>18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
>>>>17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON
>>>>16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
>>>>15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
>>>>14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
>>>>13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
>>>>12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
>>>>11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
>>>>10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
>>>>9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by DR. J. Kevorkian
>>>>8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
>>>>7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
>>>>6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
>>>>5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
>>>>4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
>>>>3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
>>>>2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
>>>>
>>>>And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....
>>>>1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The
Rev.
>>>>Jessie Jackson

[Osotogary]

I've read them all.....in less than 5 minutes and I'm not even a speed reader! Had a hard time looking for them in our library system. (Might be the censor patrol.)
Gary

[Alexander Haile]

Three Marines were on leave in Mexico. While they were there they decided to look for a resort to do some bungee jumping. They went to this small town just ten miles from their hotel. There was had a huge cliff over looking the town. There people could bungee jump over it. They got to the top of the cliff. Paid their money, and got suited up. They looked around at eachother and said, "Ok? Who's first?" The youngest of the three spoke up. "I'll go first!" They hooked him up to the bungee cord and he jumped off over the cliff. The other two watched patiently for him to bounce back up. When he did, they saw that he was bleeding. He went back down and came back up, and he was screaming for help! The others grabbed the cord and pulled him back up to the cliff's edge. When they had secured him they asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I don't know, but what the hell's a pinata."

[thedrifter]

A little southern humor






This very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man standing near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad".

He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm gonna jump".

She said, "Well think of your wife and kids".

He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids".

She said, " Well think of Robert E. Lee".

He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump then , ya Damn Yankee!"

[thedrifter]

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready,
all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
start out, the cat shoots back in the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes
out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the
cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will
be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs
to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid ***** was hiding
under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed
her in the back yard !!"

[thedrifter]

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the
same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and
taught Sunday
School. Ole went on Christmas
and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the
other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was
in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a
fine looking
woman she was. Vhile dey were
taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena,
how about you and me go to
dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"
said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and
on Friday he picked
Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole
looked over at
Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould
you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat
vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so
he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached
in his pocket
and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a
smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat
vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low
after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving
Lena home ven dey
passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how
vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,"
said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his
luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the
median and
everything, and drove back to
the motel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Ole got up
first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her
gray curls on the
pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat
have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke
up. "Lena, I've
got to ask you von ting," said
Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School
class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I
alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to
have a good time!"


=====
Build love within a circle.
Circles have no endings.

[thedrifter]

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
> THAN WITH A
> SINGLE AMERICAN"
>
>
>
>
> This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a
business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such
an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups
> from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that
the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society
> who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And
> after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?
>
> keep scrolling
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: A Funeral Home
> (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
>

[thedrifter]

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was
a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise
their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting
to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like
fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had
not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy
why she decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.

The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy
why she was a conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself
and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government
to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom
are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative
Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What
if your Mom and Dad were both morons?
What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."

[donaldduct]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of
>>his
>>dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly
>>dismounts,
>>worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes
>>to find him.
>>The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
>>
>>The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
>>sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
>>
>>"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
>>
>>"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
>>
>>"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and does
>>something on her knees that blows it right back up."
>>

[thedrifter]

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...



Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie -- poof! -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -- Poof! -- the mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight." -- poof! -- The mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." -- poof!

[thedrifter]

BECAUSE HE SAYS.....

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or
blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or
in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it
all in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots
twice and always eats what he shoots.

[thedrifter]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine,
poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

[thedrifter]

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

[thedrifter]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[thedrifter]

There was a bear and a rabbit.

Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himselfShaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

[Osotogary]

You folks can add your own captions. Enjoy.
Gary

[thedrifter]

Cow Mein............Turn Up Sound............


http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/chowmein.html

[thedrifter]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says...
" Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[thedrifter]

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

[thedrifter]

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

[thedrifter]

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.
Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

[thedrifter]

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my *****.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[NEWB]

DRIFTER,
These are outstanding! Reading these things really help me get through all the Bull**** of the day at work. Thanks heaps.

[thedrifter]

MEN


This is what they are sending behind our backs.
FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then,
neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful

[thedrifter]

The Truth About Men (finally)
>>
>>1. The nice men are ugly.
>>
>>2. The handsome men are not nice.
>>
>>3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
>>
>>4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
>>
>>5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
>>money.
>>
>>6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money,
>>think we are only after their money.
>>
>>7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
>>
>>8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
>>don't think we are beautiful enough.
>>
>>9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
>>
>>10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice, have some
>>money, and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
>>FIRST
>>MOVE!!!!
>>
>>11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
>>interest in us when we take the initiative.
>>
>>
>>NOW....WHO CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MEN?
>>
>>
>>Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
>>our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
>>mature into
>>something you'd like to have dinner with.
>>
>>
>>
>>SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH
>>
>>AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4 ."Tastes great, more filling"
3."Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
1."This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?" ?

[thedrifter]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> hurts
> > wherever she touches it.
> > Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and
> pushes
> her
> > elbow and screams
> > in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and
> screams.
> > Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
> >
> > The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she
> says,
> > "I'm actually a blonde."
> >
> > "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".
>

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards -----
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I
like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you
refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later,
you'd be my *****.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right - I just wish it wasn't $250
a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class - Especially when
I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled
- SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown - but
so's your ass.
3. You're a honey - and you're a cutie - I just wished you had J-Lo's
"booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny - So, right to the point,
let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check
out the one that I gave to your sister!

[thedrifter]

Check out Bend Over bin Laden


http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

[Art Petersn]

From the net...courtesy of Dutch...

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
****************
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe,
and is for all intents and purposes (censosred) useless. It is an important
member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old
country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its
contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the
guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible
to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many
will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
**********
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no
concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their
armpits or their legs.

Safety
******
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that
France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender
more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent
years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History
*******
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by
just about every other country in the world.

Government
**********
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific
and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
*******
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see
why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of
course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
French family.)

Cuisine
*******
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's
or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring
your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for
such.

Economy
*******
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy
in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.

Conclusion
**********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people
didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear
tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not
Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.

[thedrifter]

99 bottles of beer on the wall take one down............
>
> > Fw: Hangover Ratings
> >
> >
> >
> > One Star Hangover (*)
> >
> > >No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
> >
> > >relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5
> >
> > >sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a
> >
> > >steak &fries.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Two Star Hangover (**)
> >
> > >No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but
> >
> > >you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you
are
> >
> > >chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
> >
> > >tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House
> >
> > >excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon
your
> >
> > >bowels.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Three Star Hangover (***)
> >
> > >Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
> >
> > >productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume
> >
> > >reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends
> >
> > >dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were
home
> >
> > >in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a
> >
> > >gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you
haven't
> >
> > >peed once.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Four Star Hangover (****)
> >
> > >Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too
quickly or
> >
> > >else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for
being
> >
> > >late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You
wore
> > nice
> >
> > >clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one
side
> >
> > >of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your
make-up
> > on
> >
> > >while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red
> >
> > >vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual
> >
> > >spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the
day
> >
> > >brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >Five Star Hangover, (*****)
> >
> > >You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
> > annoying
> >
> > >the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping
out
> >
> > >of
> >
> > >every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
crust in
> >
> > >the
> >
> > >>>>>corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an
attempt
> >
> > >>to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost
the
> >
> > >>ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You
> >
> > >>don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was
passed
> >
> > >>out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results
in a
> >
> > >>fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
> >
> > >>'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to
> > be
> >
> > >>to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds
pretty
> >
> > >>good about right now....
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Indubitably
> >
> > >>>>>Innovative
> >
> > >>>>>Preliminary
> >
> > >>>>>Proliferation
> >
> > >>>>>Cinnamon
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Specificity
> >
> > >>>>>British Constitution
> >
> > >>>>>Passive-aggressive disorder
> >
> > >>>>>Loquacious Transubstantiate
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:
> >
> > >>>>>
> >
> > >>>>>Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
> >
> > >>>>>Nope, no more booze for me
> >
> > >>>>>Sorry, but you're not really my type
> >
> > >>>>>Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
> >
> > >>>>>Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
> >
> > >>>>>Sorry I'm being such a jackass
> >
> >
> >

[thedrifter]

Andy Rooney presents.
>
> 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
>
> "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
>
> 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
>
> Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each
> prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
> prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars
on
> the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
> criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
> treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they
> can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
>
> 3. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
>
> Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused
in
> the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the
> women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?'
> It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our
optic
> nerve.
>
> 4. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
>
> You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues?
> Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say, "I don't know."
It
> costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
> Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says
into
> phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have
to
> stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy
probably
> calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
>
> 5. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
>
> My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
> They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be
-
> Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not
> making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
>
> 6. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
>
> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior
> Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you?
> Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
> dollar she gave you for your birthday.
>
> 7. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
>
> Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
> answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
right
> now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: Share the
love."
> Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
> positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

[thedrifter]

Aging........??????

[thedrifter]

THE CLIFF CLAVEN THEORY OF INTELLIGENCE
>
> I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on
Cheers.
>
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to
> his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like
this...
>
> A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And
when
> the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that
> are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole,
> because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by
the
> regular killing of the weakest members."
>
> "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the
> slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain
> cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
> first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the
weaker
> brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine."
> That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

[thedrifter]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN NEAR EVERYBODY

1. What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong.

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

12. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

13. And my, my, how time have changed:
Years ago when 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Klux Klan. Today they call it the PGA TOUR.

[thedrifter]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims.

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

[thedrifter]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

When he arrived in the attendants' ladies room, next to the paper roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"

So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[thedrifter]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

[thedrifter]

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those ****ing Indians.'"

[thedrifter]

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

[thedrifter]

http://www.jokes2000.com/pics/toons/9342b.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

Two little boys,Joe and Moe were walking down the street,when Joe spotted a five dollarbill laying in the gutter. He picked it up and both boys started to jump up and down with excitement. Moe hollered to Joe that they should go get some ice cream,then go to the movie and get some candy and popcorn (this joke had to originally be told in the 50's or 60's)Joe didn't know what to do with his new found fortune.After much contemplation he decided to go to the corner drugstore.Moe thought that they were going to the soda foutain to get the ice cream.Well Joe surprised Moe by going to the health and beauty aids and selecting a box of Tampons. Joe and Moe walked out of the store and Moe asked Joe why the hell he bought a box of Tampons,when they could of had treats and went to a picture show? Joe replied"Because you go swimming,horseback riding,bowling,scuba diving,to the beach,or wherever you want to go with these.":banana:

[Art Petersn]

Subject: Sports Fan?

>Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in
>Buffalo when one of the boys is suddenly attacked
>by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other
>boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the
>dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck,
>saving his friend.
>
>A Buffalo reporter is standing by, sees the incident,
>and rushes over to interview the boy.
>"Young Bills Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
>Animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
>
>But I'm not a Bills Fan, " the little boy replies.
>"Sorry but since we're in Buffalo, I just assumed you
>were", says the reporter and starts writing again.
>"Sabres Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific
>Attack", he writes in his notebook.
>
>"I'm not a Sabres Fan either", the boy says.
>"Oh, I assumed everyone in Buffalo was either
>for the Bills or Sabres. What team do you root for",
>the reporter asked?
>
>"I'm a Dolphin fan", the boy replies.
>The reporter starts a new sheet in his
>notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Miami Kills
>Beloved Family Pet."

[Art Petersn]

----- Original Message -----
From:;
Sent: Saturday, February 15, 2003 7:47 PM
Subject: Fw: RETIIIREMENT






It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar! "

The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[NEWB]

HEARD THIS ON THE RADIO THIS AFTERNOON:
FOUND IN THE CLASSIFIEDS:
FRENCH MILITARY RIFLE, NEVER FIRED AND ONLY DROPPED ONCE.

Darn near ran off the road laughing. Then they came back with:
HOW MANY FRENCHMEN DOES IT TAKE TO DEFEND PARIS?

NO ONE KNOWS, THEY NEVER TRIED!!!!

[thedrifter]

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment.

In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.

It has a really old man chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder, and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

[thedrifter]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[thedrifter]

A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

The salesman asked if his mother was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

[thedrifter]

Once there was a couple that didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work; but the guy was happy with his job, and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.

One day, the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest." The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to the pet store determined to win the contest.

"Hi, can I help you?" the sales person said.

"Yes, we're looking for an exotic pet," the husband said.

"Oh, I have just the thing," said the sales person. "Follow me."

They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.

"Why is he so exotic?" asked the husband.

"You see," said the sales person, "this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs."

"Yes, yes, I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the perch?"

"Well, sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the salesperson.

"Wow, this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought. So he bought the bird.

The couple ended up winning the contest. A few weeks later, the husband came home, and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife.

"Milkman came to the door... Wife took off milkman's clothes... Milkman took off wife's clothes..." the parrot said, but then it stopped.

"What?" the husband asked, and the bird said it again.

The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot.

He reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted, "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"

"I don't know," the parrot said. "I got hard and fell off the branch."

[thedrifter]

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host."

The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

[thedrifter]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

[Sparrowhawk]

Why do two of these women remind me of CAS and Janine? LOL

3 girls go to the beach, a blonde, a redhead and another redhead. While they were relaxing a seagull flies over them and poops on the blonde's head! One of the redheads says, OH MY GOD!!!, let me go get some toilet paper While she was going to find a bathroom, the blonde starts laughing her head off, the redhead that was with her was looking at her in disbelief and asks, "Why are you laughing? You have bird poop on your head!" The blonde responds, "I'm suppose to be the stupid one, but by the time she gets back, the seagull will be miles away to use the toilette paper."

[Alexander Haile]

What's the difference between a redneck fairy tale and a normal fairy tale??? The normal fairy tale begins with,"once upon a time..." while the redneck one begins with, "Dude! Yuo're never gonna beleive this..."

[David Schultz]

If I have a bad day, and sometimes I do, I just come here and my day is better. Great Page

[thedrifter]

LETTER FROM GRANDMA

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his Grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives
in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of
the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and
hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your
nose look too short."

Love Grandma.

[thedrifter]

little boy hears the word *****house in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the *****house and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.

"IN A WH0REHOUSE!" he screams proudly.

"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"

"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

[thedrifter]

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite 4 years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed a cabinet door ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for special occasions.

Fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came my mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I had used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter:

"But, mom, you said they were for special occasions!"

[thedrifter]

man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 00-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

[thedrifter]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

[thedrifter]

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

("A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]) "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[thedrifter]

More Student Bloopers



Here is another collection of freshman bloopers collected by a the Canadian history professor Anders Henrickson over the years. The spelling is faithfully reproduced here!

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.

After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.

Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialisation was precipitating in England.

Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.

Great Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.

World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.

Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti- semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.

The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.

[thedrifter]

Employee Time and Motion Study



7:30 Punched time card just as the whistle blew.
7:40 Made rounds of gum machines. No gum. Lost $0.07.
8:00 Started to look for tools left around by night shift.
8:10 Found pliers, ground main off, put in my tool box.
8:25 Fellow across room motioned me to come over. Gave me gum.
8:35 Went to tool crib, told attendant story. He told me an old one.
8:55 Saw foreman coming. Picked up hammer and started pounding.
9:05 Went to can. False alarm.
9:25 Looked in lunch box to see what the wife had packed. Ate banana.
9:30 Matched coins with the milkman. Drank pint of milk. Ate two sandwiches.
9:40 Went to can. False alarm.
9:45 Drilled hole in piece of metal. Hole to big. Welded hole, started again.
9:50 Went to can for smoke. Wrote name on wall.
10:00 Walked across room to see what other fellows were laughing at.
10:02 Started to realize the guy gave me laxative gum.
10:03 Went to the can. False alarm. Slept for 15 minutes.
10:20 Plotted to get even with the other guy.
10:25 Didn't need a drink, but went for one anyway.
10:30 Looked for place to hide part made wrong.
10:35 Couldn't find place. Tossed part under partner's bench.
10:37 Looked under my bench. Found part made wrong by night shift.
10:40 Went to foreman, said to him, "Look what some guy put under my bench."
10:45 Saw new female employee. Went over and kidded her for 15 minutes.
11:00 Saw foreman watching. Picked up 45-lb. piece of steel, walked away.
11:02 Saw freight train go by. Counted cars. Brought steel back.
11:20 Realised it was time for lunch. Looked in lunch kit and remembered it was all eaten except two meat balls.
11:30 Fixed place to sleep on bench.
12:00 Whistle blew. Went to can. Drew whiskers on picture on wall.
12:10 Pricked finger on piece of metal.
12:12 Went to first aid room. Waited in line while nurses took care of others suffering from old age. Nurse finally looked at my finger and gave me a vitamin pill.
12:40 Went to beverage cooler for coke. Contacted 11 guys for change.
1:15 Went to my machine. Saw big shot watching me. Took machine apart.
1:30 Big shot left, couldn't put machine back together.
1:40 Went to can. Got into big argument over high taxes.
1:55 Hit finger with hammer while looking at sweater girl... talked to God. Decided to find out who sweater girl is. Walked over. Saw foreman coming. Went to can instead.
2:15 Kept wondering who sweater girl is. Asked 6 guys. All wanted to know.
2:17 Assistant foreman was coming. Started to study blueprint intently.
2:25 Took sandwich from partner's lunch kit.
2:30 Went to can for a smoke. Asked 6 guys for a cigarette. None smoked.
2:40 Went to cigarette machine. Some smart alec had put grease on handles.
2:45 Told foreman this job hurts my back. I want a job where I can sit down.
2:55 Knocked over full can of rivets. Spent 10 minutes picking them up.
3:05 Went to get drink in other department.
3:30 Started cleaning up. Put tools away. Went to can. Put tie on.
3:50 Watched out for foreman. Watched out for ass't foreman. Watched out.
3:56 Took apron off. Put coat on. Put apron back with strings tied.
4:00 Whistle blew. Went home -- dead tired.


Tomorrow's plans: Same as today, only ask for a raise.

[thedrifter]

A Marine buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Marine" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations are showered on him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Marine baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

How much does he weigh now?"

The proud Marine answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Marine father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[thedrifter]

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, and hour to appreciate them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget. It is a short message to let them know that you will never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in a hurry and have forgotten your friends.



LIFE IS SHORT, DANCE NAKED and

WIGGLE YOUR AZZ!

[Art Petersn]

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
Doesn't that just make you see red???


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)




You gotta love it!!!

[fishon]

Art Semper Fi. My Nephew is in the Business. I will Email it to him. Im sure He would appreciate it. Frank

[thedrifter]

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.
The
> pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he
wanted it
> for.
> He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the
pharmacist
> replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I
can't
> sell you any Cyanide."
> The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
> The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever
seen,
> blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I
didn't
> realize you had a prescription."

[thedrifter]

man asked his wife what she'd like for


her birthday. "I'd love to be


six again," she replied.






On the morning of her birthday, he got her


up bright and early and off they went to a


local theme park. What a day!






He put her on every ride in the park: the


Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,


the Wall of Fear, everything there was!






Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of


the theme park, her head


reeling and her stomach upside down.






Right to a McDonald's they went, where her


husband ordered her a Big Mac


along with extra fries and a refreshing


chocolate shake.!






Then it was off to a movie -- the latest


epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,


Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.






What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband


and collapsed into bed.






He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well,


dear, what was it like being six again?"






One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."






The moral of this story: Even when a man is


listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[thedrifter]

There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, and right away you're a *****.


A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his office and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. . . . He claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, " O.K.,Tell him I can't see him."


Q. Why did the Mexican push his wife off the mountain?
A. Tequila


Q. Did you hear that the French have a new flag?
A. It's a white cross on a white background.


Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?
A. They rarely get attacked from behind.


Q. How do deaf people have phone sex?
A. By fax.


Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favorite sexual position is next door.


Q. Why do Pakistani women have the red dot on the forehead?
A. Because the husband smokes while they make love.


Q. How do you recognize a gay Pakistani?
A. He has a red dot on the back of the head.


A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead lion. Amazed, he asked, 'Did you kill that?' The pigmy answered, 'Yes.' The hunter then asked, 'How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?' Said the pigmy, 'I killed it with my club.' The astonished hunter asked, 'How big is your club?' The pigmy replied, 'There's about 100 of us.'


There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Uncle Sam's drink. After a while, Uncle Sam excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Uncle?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, I got so scared that so I put it back!"

[thedrifter]

guy walks into a pub, orders a beer, and sets a paper bag on the bar. Several beers later, the curious bartender asks what was in the bag. Without a word, the customer reaches in and pulls out a miniature piano, then a small man about a foot tall, who sits down at the piano and begins to bang out rhythm and blues.

"Wow, where'd you get that?" the barkeep asks.

"I found a bottle," the customer explains. "When I rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted me one wish. It's right here, he adds, reaching into his coat, "If you want to give it a try."

The bartender gives the bottle a rub and, sure enough, out pops a genie. "I want a million bucks," he says

Suddenly, the bar is filled with a million ducks. "Hey, I said bucks, not ducks! Is this genie deaf or something?" the bartender asks.

"Hey, friend, you don't think I actually asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?" says the customer.