Chuckles of the Day...

[jrhd97]

Dennis Swanberg is funny! Got to here him up in Lynchburg. His impersonations are incredible.

[Ed Palmer]

Now that Vancouver has opened the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions
people the world over are asking!!! These questions about Canada were posted on
an International tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for
a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them
in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (UK)
A: We still use Beaver pelts.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is
that big country to your North. Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll
send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

[Ed Palmer]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama "time". We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.



America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !!!

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

[ameriken]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

'Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

'Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

'Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?":evilgrin:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, *****, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Gosh darn it, you lazy *****, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.":evilgrin:

[Ed Palmer]

An Democrat and a Republican walk into a crowded D.C. bar where they see a Muslim holding the detonator to a bomb belt strapped to his waist.

Republican,”Quick!We have to stop him before he blows himself up!”
Democrat,”Aw leave him alone—it’s his body,his life,his bomb his business and nobody elses.”
Republican,”But he will kill us all!”
Democrat,”Then he will break the law.”

[Ed Palmer]

http://i49.tinypic.com/mjl3jc.jpg

.
http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w122/wboxerw19/fruit-fly-humor.jpg


'
http://sydwalker.info/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/ian_baker_flies1.jpg

[ameriken]

http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs111.snc3/15867_231826313331_684878331_4399758_1258128_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=10556599&id=786530533&op=1&view=global&subj=173394062979&oid=173394062979)

[Ed Palmer]

http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs111.snc3/15867_231826313331_684878331_4399758_1258128_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=10556599&id=786530533&op=1&view=global&subj=173394062979&oid=173394062979)

Thats probably an air pocket

[Ed Palmer]

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter
words for me," was the reply. "Really?"

"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying
"don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

LIttle RALPHY ON MATH??

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on A fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left???

She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then Little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for you; There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied; 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH - 2

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?'asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMER

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First,she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Ver good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....... beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.




:usmc:

[Zebra29er]

Deaf Sex


Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.



She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.


The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty times.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Every once in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."



:usmc:

[Ed Palmer]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/34/71363797_22d87cded6.jpg?v=0

http://shawma.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/calvin.jpg

[mcvet57103]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/34/71363797_22d87cded6.jpg?v=0

http://shawma.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/calvin.jpgCalvin and Hobbs was my favorite cartoon, I was really bummed when he quit drawing it. I have several coffee table books of his comics. Thanks Ed. SF

[Ed Palmer]

Ha,ha,ha..

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical

advertising in doctor's offices on everything
from tissues to note pads.

Well this one may win the prize...
http://i46.tinypic.com/2ng4s45.jpg

I e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend.

He e-mailed back:

"If light stay on more than 4 hours, call erectrician."

[Ed Palmer]

http://i48.tinypic.com/2cookm8.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?

I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit”, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his cabinet....

[Ed Palmer]

Irish Virginity Test







Planning to marry, Paddy asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.



His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."



Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"



The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...', you hit her with the shovel.'

[Ed Palmer]

I FOUND AN OLD
PICTURE OF ME AND
MY BABYSITTER ....


http://i48.tinypic.com/288mwr5.gif
I MISS HER A LOT!

[Marine1955]

I FOUND AN OLD
PICTURE OF ME AND
MY BABYSITTER ....


http://i48.tinypic.com/288mwr5.gif
I MISS HER A LOT!

I had her also she's goooooood !!!!

[awbrown1462]

WHY SOME KIDS KILL THIER PARENTS

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/umedia/20100226/largeimage.191076a72723cd2f14fc9d5614348bc2.gif

[Marine1955]

<HR>
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a guy leaning against a wall. (The room was full of workers and the new CEO wanted to let them know that he meant business.) So he asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'



----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????



:usmc:

[Marine1955]

stupid question, excellent response!




For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.







http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f11825%5fALF4%2fNgAAOAbS4qYngDFezU EjRQ&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1






General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.



Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.



Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.



In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.






FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?




GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.






FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?





GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.





FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?





GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.






FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.





GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?





The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop , so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


Have a great day!


:flag:

[Marine1955]

<HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000; COLOR: #000000" SIZE=1>The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General .

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses .

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens .

The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .....

In the South : If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners...

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

I Borrowed this from a friend.. It's that good

[Marine1955]

Toyota problems solved


<HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000; COLOR: #000000" SIZE=1>http://i704.photobucket.com/albums/ww47/gator10/cow.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

THE FARMER
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.


When they got there, the disaster was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk
left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but
could find no remains of anyone, including the President.


They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away
as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"


"Yep. Sure did."
The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered.
"I done buried them all myself.
Took me most of the morning.."


"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.


"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.


"He kept a-saying he wasn't ...
but you know what a liar he is."

[Marine1955]

ONLY IN TEXAS!

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f121100%5fALF4%2fNgAACK%2fS4yPPQBs %2bj5mSis&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousinof a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's cousin that is legally blind. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by Boone & Crocket standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day around a curve with a bow. Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone.They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it wasshot with the bow.

[Quinbo]

Copy pasting directly from your e-mail has became a trend.
Save the picture to your hard drive.
Upload it to photobucket
Use the URL provided by photobucket to publish it here.

Linking to your e-mail does not work unless you want to give us your user name and password.

[Marine1955]

http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss329/marine1955_2009/th_RedneckClippers.jpg (http://s588.photobucket.com/albums/ss329/marine1955_2009/?action=view&current=RedneckClippers.jpg)

Hope this works.

[OleDoc]

Ole & Lena's Honeymoon

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said
'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every
vay'.

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all
together . ..quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go
on their honeymoon to Duluth ...
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said,
'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen
deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!

[Marine1955]

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog don’t talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f158/jasaeve/work/pink--animated_down.gif
http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f158/jasaeve/work/pink--animated_down.gif

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f158/jasaeve/work/pink--animated_down.gif

Indian: “Sheep lie.”

[Marine1955]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met byyour wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass andhaving the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Marine1955]

This man certainly has a way with words!


Australian Political Correctness


T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio
talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get
the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have
only three things to say: "Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet".

[Ed Palmer]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."



On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.



Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders Keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says,

"We're outta here!"

[OleDoc]

Great Orators of the Democrat Party














'One man with courage makes a majority.'
- Andrew Jackson

'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

'The buck stops here.'
- Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'
-John F. Kennedy





And, from today's genius Democrats...


'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton

'That Obama... I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
- Jesse Jackson

'Those rumors are false... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards

'I invented the Internet'
- Al Gore

'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their butt'
- Joe Biden

'America is... is no longer, uh, what it... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'
- Sen. Harry Reid

'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)


HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?


''Life's tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' - John Wayne

[Ed Palmer]

Olympic Torch Exits Canada. Heads to USA

Here it is going through Arkansas
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/olympic_torch.jpg

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

The Letter from Grandma

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,

Grandma




The Railroad Tunnel

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with a rather large upper anatomy.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: "Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him."

The blonde girl thinks:"Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him."

Obama thinks: "Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

George Bush thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again."




Mammogram Results

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

She replied, "Your name never came up."



:flag:

[HereandThere]

http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f139701%5fAHMXw0MAAI2WS4sdJg7QinWi biU&pid=10&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'm not staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"



:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?


He never heard the gunshot.



:usmc:

[awbrown1462]

Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3.People are spitting on the wrong side

[Marine1955]

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f109179%5fAK14%2fNgAAXHwS5EjSAB%2b %2bT1Imz4&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Marine1955]

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f109179%5fAK14%2fNgAAXHwS5EjSAB%2b %2bT1Imz4&pid=4&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Marine1955]

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f109179%5fAK14%2fNgAAXHwS5EjSAB%2b %2bT1Imz4&pid=6&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Marine1955]

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f109179%5fAK14%2fNgAAXHwS5EjSAB%2b %2bT1Imz4&pid=13&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Ed Palmer]

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f109179%5fAK14%2fNgAAXHwS5EjSAB%2b %2bT1Imz4&pid=13&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Ya know not everyone can get FOUR RED X's in a row, But dont give up.
.

[awbrown1462]

Marine1955 must be bowling going for a 300

[mcvet57103]

He has a good game going with at least 90 in the fourth frame if I haven't forgotten how to score bowling. LOL

[Marine1955]

I know I tried to save them but I can't. Need some help ED.

♠ ♠ ♠ ♠ ♠
A K Q J 10

[Ed Palmer]

I know I tried to save them but I can't. Need some help ED.

¢¼ ¢¼ ¢¼ ¢¼ ¢¼
A K Q J 10

You need to get a dictaphone thats where you dictaphone up you butt and you never miss a call,.
Ed

[Marine1955]

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that
sucker before they become extinct...

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its
wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats
directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car.
I explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke
up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...

[Marine1955]

http://i47.tinypic.com/xfndaw.jpg
Found a Picture of Ed tring to get back in his house.

[awbrown1462]

whooo another strike

[ameriken]

A Spelling Lesson.

The last four letters in American.........I Can

The last four letters in Republican......I Can

The last four letters in Democrats.......Rats


End of Lesson.

[Rocky C]

A 6 year old, Billy, and a 4 year old, Little Johnny, are upstairs in their
bedroom. The 6 year
old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go
downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say
something with
ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the
kitchen

and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell,
Mom, I guess I'll
have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother
in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room

and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[ameriken]

I went into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey buddy, do you have any naked pictures of your wife?? I said "No". He said, "Would you like some?"

When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Once they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

We were so poor when I was a kid, if I wasn't born a boy, I would have had nothing to play with.

When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born, my mother said "What a treasure." My father said, "Let's bury it."

When I was a kid my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sit on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My relationship with my wife is on and off. Every time I get on, she says get off.

[Marine1955]

Defense
Attorney:
Will you
please state your age?

Little Old
Lady:
I am 94
years old.

Defense
Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old
Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on
my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young
man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
me.

Defense
Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old
Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense
Attorney:
What happened after he sat
down?

Little Old
Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense
Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old
Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense
Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old
Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense
Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old
Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense
Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old
Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense
Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old
Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited. I haven't felt that good in years!


Defense
Attorney:
What happened
next?

Little Old
Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy'
that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man.
Take me now!'

Defense
Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old
Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's
when I shot him, the little bastard

[Marine1955]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.









Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Marine Corps fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had down- loaded off the Internet.








When I went into the E.R.,I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.








I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.








Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.








Here's the patch.








Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.



































http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f13868%5fALJ4%2fNgAAFN9S5UY4wExfEH zzlY&pid=2&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1





It also works at DMV.. It saved me 5 hours.






At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.











Don't try it at McDonald's though.....





The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

[Marine1955]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6meQnSmVup8

[buggoffextco]

The MRE dinner date




This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these things we can definitely understand how she felt-----

For all of you who Know what an MRE is... And those that don't this is too funny and true not to read.

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the
point of view of a young Marine.



I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before" for dinner.



After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had
never eaten before.



I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in
each meal.



Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their
plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautd in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.



When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops,
and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous **** , and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.. Voilaanger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"...it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed
in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I
swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with
sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been
leftover sand from Egypt ). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner,
saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"



We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about
cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I
had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she
drank four glasses during dinner.



At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me
HOURS to make... Yup!



Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay. Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.



After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to
the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the
hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.



Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.



I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"
I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.



Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food
that was made 3 years ago?"



After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off
without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't ****
for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was
PERSONALLY present and supervising.



It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that
that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.


I know... I'm an *******, but it was still a funny night.:evilgrin:

[Marine1955]

The ultimate in Team Work

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1rXHlZMRws (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1rXHlZMRws)

[Marine1955]

A man comes into the ER and yells ....





My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !











I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's


dress and began to take off her underwear.







Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs


and I was in the wrong one.






Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,


San Francisco

[Marine1955]

At the beginning of my shift


I placed a stethoscope on an elderly


and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.



'Big breaths.' I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be.' replied the patient.


Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

[Marine1955]

I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?'


' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.


I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. Bob replied.


I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced

a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'


Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

[Marine1955]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . .


It was quickly determined that

the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery...



When she was completely disrobed on the operating

table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'




Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

This morning on I-94, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, burned big Jim, and the twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important phone call.


Darn women drivers!!!


:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

For years, commentators had been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before they would ever win the Super Bowl.

On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl.

On that same Sunday, Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Federal Government was shut down.


Well, now at least we know where hell is.



:usmc:

[Marine1955]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate

funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge

heart... Covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service

as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled

inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart

forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes

stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

[Marine1955]

Dear Grand-daughter,


The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!



Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Zebra29er]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

' Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven' t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO S&%T!' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

[Marine1955]

Fred and Ralph get married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon.









So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad 's house for their firstmarried night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Ralph are up yet.


She replies, 'No'.


Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'


Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Ralph up yet?'


She replies, 'No.'


Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '


After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Ralph up yet?'


His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'


He says:
'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my crazy glue'

[Marine1955]

Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.





After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.


Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.





The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl


The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."





The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"


Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"





"Denise," the doctor answered.





The new mother said, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name "Denise." What's the boy's name?"





The doctor replied, "Denephew."

[ameriken]

A man who loved his girlfriend Lorraine started having doubts about his love when he met Claire Lee, another single woman who worked at his office. He found that he was falling in love with her too.

He felt that maybe he loved Claire Lee more, but he just couldnt get himself to break up with Lorraine. He was confused and had no idea what to do.

Then one day, a miracle occured. He learned that Lorraine was transferred out of state by her employer and she had to move across the country.

Excited about the news, he called his best friend and told him "I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone".

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow."




:flag:

[Wheels123]

http://******************/

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."




:usmc:

[Izzame2]

How about some visual humor for today?

Now you can take a **** without washing your hands.

http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Random/pee_hands_free.jpg

[oldtop]

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his friend Thibodeaux.
Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man,
it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't
get rid of em." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid
of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux
say, "What's a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of
dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all
at once."Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere
and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up
hisself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move
and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I
know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What? Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say, "I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a 'reptile dysfunction'!"

[ameriken]

Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry nails Osama squarely on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[ameriken]

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

[ameriken]

Diagnosed with AAADD

Recently, I was Diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

1) The car isn't washed
2) The bills aren't paid
3) There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
4) The flowers don't have enough water,
5) There is still only 1 check in my check book,
6) I can't find the remote,
7) I can't find my glasses,
8) And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...


Today you voted.'




:flag:

[Ed Palmer]

The funniest Staff Meeting Ever!





The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week (This is one pretty sharp boss!Peter E) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.





The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.





About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:



10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!





9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.





8. Viagra, like a rock !





7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.





6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.





5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.





4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.





3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!





2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!





And the unanimous number one slogan:





1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

[Quinbo]

:banana:

I still haven't figured out acceptable embed code.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz42wGni04I&feature=player_embedded

[mcvet57103]

http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/312722.full.gif (http://comics.com/off_the_mark/2010-03-09/)

[firedog974]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[Marine1955]

BARBERSHOP

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ..............."Your house!"

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'





:usmc:

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/health_study.gif

[Danny C Smith]

Sooo, That's whats wrong with my eyes:p
And all these years I been blaming it on the beer:beer:

Good one Boss!

Smitty:usmc:

[firedog974]

http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/health_study.gif

I think I need a new monitor. I will go get one, right after I shave my palms!:yes:

[Ed Palmer]

Redneck Hooker

A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the
shadows.''Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's
only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a
sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.


'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.



'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.



'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'


'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face! "

[silverdollar]

Damn, To think of all the money I wasted on glasses.

[Ed Palmer]

The Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of ten million quid. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the
reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that
Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in
court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money,
he takes along his solicitor who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million quid is
that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you
are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to
Enzo's forehead and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

[Ed Palmer]

this is old but still funny

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas ."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy
a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[rickyracer]

A old e........but good e...........

[Ed Palmer]

WHY I AM DEPRESSED

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . .I called Lifeline. Got a darn call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Ed Palmer]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.


"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.


"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

[Wheels123]

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/yPPUrZOmnUE&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/yPPUrZOmnUE&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPPUrZOmnUE)

[DanBO]

A bunch of Doctors are at the 2010 AMA convention in Chicago when a Israeli Doctor pipes up and says, "In Israel we have the most advanced medicine in the world. We can take a kidney out of one man and put it in another man and have the both of then looking for a job in two weeks." Not to be out done a German Doctor chimes in and says, "In Das Fatherland we are more advanced that that. We can take a lung out of one man and put it in another one and have the both of then looking for a job in four weeks." Suddenly a Russian Doctor pushes his way into the conversation saying, "In Russia we are far more advanced that you all. We can take the heart out of one comrade and place it into another and have them both looking for a job in less that six weeks." sitting in the corner listening to the conversation was a Doctor from Illinois, unable to contain himself any longer he butts in, "You guys have nothing close to the abilities that we have in Illinois, we can take a man from Illinois without a brain, place him in the White House, and within six months 1/2 of the whole country is looking for a job!

[ese4mc]

In Washington , D.C. An old priest lay dying in the hospital.
>
> For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials.
>
> He motioned for his nurse to come near.
>
> "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
>
> "I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die," whispered the priest.
>
> "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
>
> The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response.
>
> Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
>
> As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and
> might even get me re-elected."
>
> Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
>
> When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand.
>
> There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
>
> Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
>
> The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
>
> "Amen", said Obama.
>
> "Amen", said Pelosi.
>
> The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
> like to do the same."
>
>
>

[Phantom Blooper]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time

with them to correct their ways.


She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers

and talk with them.


She put her sandwich in a brown bag and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.


She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"


They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,


"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

Why'?

The worker yelled back,

"Cos his wife's here with his lunch" :evilgrin:

[Marine1955]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies'!"

She did this faithfully for several months.

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies'.

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Yes I am.. How did you know?"

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

[Bootneck]

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'



'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'




'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.




'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'




'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'


'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came
here in the first place.'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Blind cowboy


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a Black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a Professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself.Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't.... . .but you know how bad that sum***** lies."





:flag:

[Ed Palmer]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.


Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Redneck Church



1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!




:flag:

[Rocky C]

> Everyone likes Ralphy..........................
>
>
> LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
>
>
> A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
>
> She calls on little Ralphy.
>
>
> He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
>
>
>
>
> The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
>
>
> Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
>
>
> There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
>
>
> One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
> The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
>
>
> The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
> Which one is married?'
>
>
> The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
>
>
> To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
>
>
>
> LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
>
>
> Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
>
> 'Why?' asks the father?
>
> 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
>
> 'But that's right!' says his dad.
>
> 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
>
> 'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father.
>
> 'That's what I said!'
>
>
> LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
>
>
> Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
>
> RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
>
> Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
>
> Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
>
>
> LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
>
>
> Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
> All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
> He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'
>
> The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
> The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
> Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
>
> Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
> you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
>
>
>
> LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
>
>
> One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
>
> First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
>
> 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
>
> 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
>
> She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
>
> 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!''
>
>
> LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
>
> Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
> After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
>
> Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
>
> The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
> Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ****ing business.

[Phantom Blooper]

Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!!":evilgrin:

[Rocky C]

Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!!":evilgrin:
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Glad your felling better Chuck :thumbup:.
Sick B*astard :banana:

[Marine1955]

Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard!!":evilgrin:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Rob Parry]

This is probably around here somewhere. Never mind, it always makes me smile.



A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[montana]

it was a tell and pantamine day in school...kids were to tell what their dads did for a living and act out the details....susies turn she got up said my daddy is a plumer...then went on to pretend to use a pipwrench to put pipes togeather...Bobys turn...my daddys a carpenter...then went on to pretend to saw boards and drive nails...little johnys turn...little Johny told the teache that he couldnt why asked the teacher...because my daddys a logger and i need a tree said little Johny....the teache put bothe her hands in the air above her head and said...ill be your tree little Johny ...now tell us about your daddys work...little Johny gets up walked up to the teacher...looks her up and down..walks around her looking her up and down...then stopes, looks at the class and said....she rotten croched. swollen butt...concked bumped ..and school marmed, screwwer let er stand

[Rob Parry]

Not a joke as such, in fact far from it if truth be told. BUT, it does conjure up a few weird impressions..... or is it just me. Will it have sticky pages? :D


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7581230/Pornographic-magazine-for-the-blind-launched.html

[USNAviator]

How else can you you get a rise without raised pictures???

Dan

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

On an English ship in the 17 hundreds after spotting a pirate ship the captain told his first mate to bring him his red shirt.

After a successful battle the first mate asked the captain why he asked for his red shirt...The captain said that if he was injured and bleeding his men wouldn't see the blood and become discouraged.

Two weeks later,they spotted 10 pirate ships closing in on them.

The captain turned to his first mate and said .... Bring me my brown trousers...



:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Hubby says

Hubby says, " I am Big, Fat and Ugly hun tell me something good about me." Wife says, " Sweety your eyesight is still perfect !!!"


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, 'Do you know me?
'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Remember,,, Thank a teacher


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Dress code for 50 +

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in Fashion for the 'Older folks'....
14. Thongs and Depends


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

A married couple is driving along a highway

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!

Don't mess with them!!




:usmc:

[Rocky C]

Things got ya down? Well then, consider these...In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 A.M. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still having a bad day??? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day??? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.



Are ya OK now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly, trampling to death the two helpless protesters.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day??? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!


There now, feeling better?

[USNAviator]

Osama's finally caught and killed by a group of Marines. :thumbup:

He is quickly transported to the Pearly Gates where the SOB begins to pound on the Gates and demands his 77 Virgins

The Gates swing open and out come; George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Patrick Henry, Robert E Lee, Stonewall Jackson and many others. They begin to beat the cr$p out of bin Laden.

He finally breaks free for a few seconds and demands to know where are his 77 Virgins?

St Peter calmly says, " Ah ya about that Osama. There was a misprint in the Koran. HE didn't say you would be met by 77 Virgins but by 77 Virginians and boy are they p....d at you"

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Who said Ol' Scratch didn't have a sense of humor?


So it seems that a couple of weeks ago, Lucifer himself was walking around Hell, observing all the suffering.

He was on a mission to be sure everyone was enduring the maximum pain when he noticed a chubby old guy with white hair sweating and shoveling coal.

The guy was obviously in great distress, but the Devil decided he just wasn't suffering sufficiently.

So, he walked up to the perspiring old fellow and whispered in his ear,

"Hey, Teddy... Have I told you a Republican got your Senate seat?"




:flag:

[Danny C Smith]

Damm!
I like that but it is just plain honery:D:thumbup:

Smitty:usmc:

[mcvet57103]

Damm!
I like that but it is just plain honery:D:thumbup:

Smitty:usmc:Dan, ya gotta click on the "Quote" tab at the bottom of the post you are refering to, then post your comment. Otherwise we aren't sure what post you are referencing. SF

[Phantom Blooper]

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92. :beer:

[Danny C Smith]

Dan, ya gotta click on the "Quote" tab at the bottom of the post you are refering to, then post your comment. Otherwise we aren't sure what post you are referencing. SF


Thanks Marine.
When I posted I was a wee bit lit:beer:
I was refering to the joke about Teddy and his seat being taken
by a Republican.
Semper Fi.

Smitty:usmc:

[Rob Parry]

This just arrived from a lady we know who lives in Montana. She like the joke about Teddy. 'Nuff said. :D



Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Marine1955]

The family's at dinner, and Johnny says, "Hey, Pop, tell me about boobs."
His father says, "Son, a woman's boobs go through three phases. When she's in her twenties, they're like melons, round and firm. When she's in her thirties and forties, they're like pears...still nice, but they hang. And after her fifties, they're like onions."
Johnny says, "Onions?"
His father says, "Yeah, onions. When you see them you want to cry."
Johnny says, "Hay, Ma, tell me about weenies."
She says, "Weenies go through phases, too. When a man's in his twenties, his weenie's like an oak tree, mighty and hard. When he's in his thirties and forties, his weenie's like a birch tree...flexible but reliable. And after his fifties, it's like a Christmas tree."
Johnny says, "A Christmas tree?"
She says, "Yeah, a Christmas tree. Dead, and the balls are just there for decoration."

[Marine1955]

A little Jewish kid's walking past his parents bedroom, the door's open, he looks in, and he sees his father naked, on top of his mother.
He says, "What's going on, Papa?"
His father says, "We're making children."
The next night the kid's walking past his parents bedroom, the door's open, he looks in, and he sees his mother sucking his father's cock.
He says, "What's going on, Mama?"
His mother says, "We're making jewelry."

[Marine1955]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,



'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:



BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,



BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,



BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.










'From now on when I say BELL 1









I want you to strip naked.






When I say BELL 2






I want you to jump in bed.






And when I say BELL 3






We are going to make love all night.






' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'



The wife promptly took all her clothes off.










When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.






When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.






After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'






'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?










'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '






YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

[Zebra29er]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[awbrown1462]

How to get rid of door to door salesmen

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/uc/20100420/largeimagecrcap100420.gif

[Ed Palmer]

http://i41.tinypic.com/2vjtv8z.jpg
Judge Judy to Prostitute:
"When did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When Sparkie's check bounced."

[Ed Palmer]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ”Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.”

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.

“Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replies, “it’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

“Well,” she says, “that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”

“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”

“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

[Ed Palmer]

Health Insurance

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’ The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. ‘No money in
the bank.’

The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’ He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun. The nun became agitated and announced loudly, ‘Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God’. The patient replied, ‘Send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

[Rob Parry]

http://www.pplware.com/downloads2010/imagem_23042010/ima09.jpg

[Rob Parry]

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ****ed off.

He storms into his security staff's headquaters and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-***** had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jumped up and raced for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "Oh my god, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."






I always called that woman "Shrillary", works for me.

[Zebra29er]

Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-























1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down to pee.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

1. If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from

Domino's. HE WAS WAITING FOR HIS TIP"

-------------

2. A woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!

---------------------

3. The Italian Bank Robber...

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him.. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse"

--------------------

4. When asked by a young patrol officer "Do you know you were speeding?”

An 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, but...I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going".

-------------------

5. Subject: IRISHMAN STRANDED ON AN ISLAND...

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeveof her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;

SweetJesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

--------------------

6. The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a_ _-h_ _ _s!

The teacher had to leave the room!

------------------------------------------------------------------

7. Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

8. A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------

9. BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

---------------------------------------------------------------

10. An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workersand decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

---------------------------------------------------------

11. A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada.."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay, boys. He's one of us."

------------------------------------------------------------------

12. At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly they have a weekly husband's-only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all the years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



13. While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, ' A what? A rectum stretcher? A nd just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

' And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******? ‘he asked. '

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Blonde extras for the laughs:
---------------------------------------------------------------------

LOOKING @ THE MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!’



And a couple more to boot -


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims,

'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time.... BRING POSSEEE!

---------------------------


The smoker, the alcoholic, & the homosexual


Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."


Now that you've had your "uppers" cogitate this.....


Hmmmmm........Getting Older, naw not us...

Getting Older?

1978: Long hair
2009: Longing for hair

1978: KEG
2009: EKG

1978 : Acid rock
2009: Acid reflux

1978: Moving to California because it's cool
2009: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1978: Seeds and stems
2009: Roughage

1978: Hoping for a BMW
2009: Hoping for a BM

1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2009: Receiving a new hip joint

1978: Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones

1978: Disco
2009: Costco

1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1978: Passing the drivers' test
2009: Passing the vision test

1978: Whatever
2009: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1990.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..
So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!




:flag:

[Zebra29er]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" vAlign=top width="100%">

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
Physician to ask his advice on reviving her
Husband's' libido.

'What about trying Viagra?'
Asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He
Won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,'
Replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.


It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.

He won't even taste it.


Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
Know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the
Doctor, who directly inquired as to her
Progress.


The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
Bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the
Doctor...

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in
His coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
And with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
And tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
Tatters and took me then and there passionately on
The tabletop!


It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
Absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked
The doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your

Husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex
I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never

Be able to show me face in Starbucks

Again!


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Marine1955]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06nbOvtx9Jc

[muck]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06nbOvtx9Jc

LOL - Sounds about right to me, :D

[Marine1955]

This was cool, my movie was Beverly Cop, don't know how they do this. Check it out and see what you get? I'm sure it will be accurate.


Take this amazing movie test



Do as the quiz instructs and find out which movie is your favorite.
It really works! This amazing math quiz can & will predict which
of these 18 films, you would enjoy the most.



Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie
in the list of 18 movies below.



Mine was "Titanic" - exactly right!
So be honest and do it before you scroll down to see the list below.
It's easy and it works.







Now look up your number in the list below ...


1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


It is really amazing, isn't it?

[USMCM38A1]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Marine cammies and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E..R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.












http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f188034%5fAEO3iGIAAAggS9ScgQlvClr3 3PU&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.






At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....






The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

[mcvet57103]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Marine cammies and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E..R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.












http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f188034%5fAEO3iGIAAAggS9ScgQlvClr3 3PU&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.






At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....








The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

They're afraid of a red X ????:D

[Ed Palmer]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Marine cammies and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet. When I went into the E..R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/c/c2/USA_-_Customs_and_Border_Protection_-_Border_Patrol_Patch.png/122px-USA_-_Customs_and_Border_Protection_-_Border_Patrol_Patch.png









http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f188034%5fAEO3iGIAAAggS9ScgQlvClr3 3PU&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

http://imgs.inkfrog.com/pix/gslyke/Hats020410_005.JPG



It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.






At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....






The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order... like this

[Rob Parry]

http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129150871607205570.jpg

[Skyjockey]

3 officers are sitting in a tent all saying that thier men are best, So they decide to put it to the test.

the first officer , from the Guards Regiment , Shouts over to a Private soldier - "You take this flag up to the top of the mountain, and bring me back a stone!"

The soldier starts off running, he gets to the top of the mountain and collapse in a pile.

So the Second Officer, from the Royal Marines, Laughs, How shouts out the tent, Marine - Take this Flag to the top or the mountain and retrive that pile of Snot, and bring me a stone as well.

The marine sets off at twice the pace of the guardsman, He gets to the Top, Plants the Flag, Picks up the Guardsman and comes down the hill.

The officer looks back at the other two and says " Now thats Just a soldier"...

The Third officer, from the parachute regiment Pathfinders, shakes his head . Thats Nothing.. he shouts over to one of his men... You pick up this Marine, and the Guardsman and put them on top of the mountain, and bring me the Flags....

The Para, looks over at the Officers, pauses and thinks... He then sits back down and opens up a beer... looks over to the Officer and shouts " ferk off and do it yourself!"

The Para Officer beams with Pride.... "now That's a soldier! A man Who can Think and prioritise !"

[Lisa 23]

Shyjocky, you're psoting in the wrong forum, this is for Marines only. Read the headings over each forum as a guide. And you may want to fill out all of your profile too.

[Rob Parry]

Guys, a quick one liner to save any hassles. Skyjockey (Jim) is a very good friend of "Once a Marine Always a Marine" the Royal Marine site here in the UK. He is well behaved, generally, and tolerated because he absorbs all the abuse we can heap on him, then come back and give us heaps. Hopefully he will find a niche on Leatherneck, despite him being a lower life-form. It only has to be a small hole, damp, dusty and without washing facilities, just like his apartment. :D:D:D

Jim, clear off to the other end of the forums.

[tdrt]

Guys, a quick one liner to save any hassles. Skyjockey (Jim) is a very good friend of "Once a Marine Always a Marine" the Royal Marine site here in the UK. He is well behaved, generally, and tolerated because he absorbs all the abuse we can heap on him, then come back and give us heaps. Hopefully he will find a niche on Leatherneck, despite him being a lower life-form. It only has to be a small hole, damp, dusty and without washing facilities, just like his apartment. :D:D

Jim, clear off to the other end of the forums.


Don't know, Rob. Looks like he's a damn Scot. But then I'm a damn Scot too....:D

[Lisa 23]

Guys, a quick one liner to save any hassles. Skyjockey (Jim) is a very good friend of "Once a Marine Always a Marine" the Royal Marine site here in the UK. He is well behaved, generally, and tolerated because he absorbs all the abuse we can heap on him, then come back and give us heaps. Hopefully he will find a niche on Leatherneck, despite him being a lower life-form. It only has to be a small hole, damp, dusty and without washing facilities, just like his apartment. :D:D

Jim, clear off to the other end of the forums.

:thumbup:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her Physician to ask his advice on reviving her Husband's' libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' Asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He Won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' Replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the Doctor, who directly inquired as to her Progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, Bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the Doctor...

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in His coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye And with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to Tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'




:flag:

[Zebra29er]

http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38&page=1127

See Above, been there done that one

[Phantom Blooper]

This is mythical and deep... truly beautiful...






A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".





The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It an old Indian Name. It means .. . .




. . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG! :evilgrin:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Retirement At 65

Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months, my wife became very agitated with me. She suggested I go and do something to occupy my time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card." "You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"




:usmc:

[Rob Parry]

http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/129161218441730350.jpg

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A Jack Daniels Fish Story:

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.



:usmc:

[oldtop]

THE REDNECK VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they
could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and
told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabama man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and
put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi,
West Virginia, and Washington D.C.

[Rob Parry]

Boudreaux was riding along the highway when this truck passes with some pigs in it. One of the pigs falls out. Boudreaux stops to pick up the pig. A state trooper soon stops and says "Boudreaux, what you doing with that pig?"

Boudreuaux says "A man passed by with a truck load of pigs and one pig fell out." Boudreaux says "Maybe I catch up with the truck and give the man his pig back."

The state trooper says "Boudreaux, that man is long gone. Why don't you just go to the zoo and bring the pig there? So Boudreaux says "Okay, officer."

A while later the state trooper sees Boudreaux on the highway with that pig in his truck. He stops Boudreaux and says "Didn't I tell you to bring the pig to the zoo?" Boudreaux says "Officer, I did. We had so much fun that now we are going to go to Astro World."

[Rob Parry]

Just to keep you guys up to speed on progress over here.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/image-1.png

[Ed Palmer]

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the July issue...

Michelle Obama also was offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.....

[Zulu 36]

Just to keep you guys up to speed on progress over here.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/image-1.png


That's funny! I don't care where you're from. :D

[DanBO]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call
Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil
informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes
him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Rachel M]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,




'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:



BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,



BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,



BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.










'From now on when I say BELL 1









I want you to strip naked.






When I say BELL 2






I want you to jump in bed.






And when I say BELL 3






We are going to make love all night.






' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'



The wife promptly took all her clothes off.










When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.






When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.






After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'






'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?










'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '







YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Holy ****. i cried. that was funny as hell :yes:

[rickyracer]

That is a very old one.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...



Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate, Jennifer, was. Ben's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: __________________________________________________ ________
Dear Mom;

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love: Ben
__________________________________________________ ____________
Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ ____________
Dear Son;

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love: Mom



LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER




:flag:

[NakAttack]

Hahaha, what a great read XD

[Ed Palmer]

I lost the local pub TRIVIA quiz last night, by 1 point!
The last question was,

'Where do most women have curly hair?'




.

.
Apparently the correct answer is ' Africa .'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/1273278097.jpg



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"



:flag:

[Marine1955]

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

[Marine1955]

An elderly,(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..



On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[Marine1955]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States
. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and
encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not
American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[awbrown1462]

An Intern working at the local hospital saw an old man who is very sick
And finds out he has no Insurance, and that he was a WW II Vet,
So the intern shipped him to the VA hospital so he can get benafits
The next day the old man was back with a note from the VA
“Right War Wrong side”.

[Marine1955]

<SCRIPT type=text/javascript defer>var YAHOO = {'Shortcuts' : {}};if (typeof YAHOO == "undefined") { var YAHOO = {};}YAHOO.Shortcuts = YAHOO.Shortcuts || {};YAHOO.Shortcuts.hasSensitiveText = true;YAHOO.Shortcuts.sensitivityType = ["adult"];YAHOO.Shortcuts.doUlt = false;YAHOO.Shortcuts.location = "us";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_id = 0;YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_type = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_title = "drunk Newfie fisherman";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_publish_date = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_author = "fish103113@hotmail.com";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_url = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_tags = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_language = "english";YAHOO.Shortcuts.annotationSet = {"lw_1273693736_0": {"text": "Get started.","extended": 0,"startchar": 2742,"endchar": 2753,"start": 2742,"end": 2753,"extendedFrom": "","predictedCategory": "","predictionProbability": "0","weight": 1,"relScore": 0,"type": ["shortcuts:/us/instance/identifier/hyperlink/http"],"category": ["IDENTIFIER"],"wikiId": "","relatedWikiIds": [],"relatedEntities": [],"showOnClick": [],"context": "","metaData": {"linkHref": "http://www.windowslive.com/campaign/thenewbusy?ocid=PID28326::T:WLMTAGL:ON:WL:en-US:WM_HMP:042010_3","linkProtocol": "http","linkRel": "nofollow","linkTarget": "_blank","visible": "true"} }};YAHOO.Shortcuts.headerID = "893f226b684636231ac66400cb6c99cf";</SCRIPT><STYLE><!--.hmmessage P{margin:0px;padding:0px;}body.hmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Verdana;}--></STYLE><LINK rel=stylesheet type=text/css href="http://d.yimg.com/jq/css/cs_3.7.0.css" media=all><TABLE style="WIDTH: 606.75pt" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=809><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 603.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" width=805>

A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving down the back road.



She said to him' 'You're under arrest.. Anything you say will be held against you.'






' TITS ' replied the Newfie.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Zebra29er]

Whisky, Foxtrot, Tango ... Over

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Yesterday I tried to have a conversation with someone who's still an Obama supporter.

I had such a hard time making any eye contact with him...I just gave up (He is pictured below).






http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/1273796789.jpg

[Rob Parry]

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01636/katipo_1636676c.jpg

Tourist hospitalised by venomous spider bite on penis
A tourist who fell asleep on a beach in New Zealand following a naked swim has been admitted to hospital after a venomous native spider bit him on his penis.

The 22-year-old Canadian, who had earlier left his clothes in the sand dunes while he went for a "skinny dip", then spent 16 days in hospital suffering from potentially fatal heart inflammation.
"He woke to find his penis swollen and painful, with a red mark on the shaft suggestive of a bite," Dr Nigel Harrison, who treated the man, writes in the latest New Zealand Medical Journal.

"He rapidly developed generalised muscle pains, fever, headache, photophobia [light sensitivity] and vomiting.
"It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite," Dr Harrison said.
By the time the tourist reached the nearest hospital, in the northern town of Dargaville, his penis was severely swollen, his blood pressure was up and his heartbeat racing.
The following morning, chest pain and other symptoms developed and doctors diagnosed he had been bitten by a katipo, a rare native spider related to the Australian redback and North American black widow spiders.
The man was treated with anti-venom medicine sent from the regional hospital in Whangarei.
Although his condition rapidly improved the heart problems persisted.
As a result, he was treated at Whangarei Hospital then transferred to the much larger Auckland Hospital before returning home to Canada.
"He was discharged after a total of 16 days in hospital. On review he was generally well," the medical journal report says.
It is the first known case of myocarditis, or heart inflammation, occurring after a katipo spider bite.
The katipo, a Maori name meaning "night-stinger", is on New Zealand's endangered species list.
The spiders usually bite only in self defence.
The female has a black body with a white bordered red stripe on its back, while the male is white with black stripes and red diamond-shaped markings.
Only two deaths from katipo bites have been recorded, both in the 19th century.




All of which reminds me of that ancient joke about the Australian man who was bitten in exactly this fashion; his friend phoned the flying doctor service and was advised that the only way to save the man's life was to suck out the poison. When the patient enquired why his friend looked so downcast the friend replied, "You're gonna die mate."

[Marine1955]

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.






If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.






They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet..

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??





Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Marine1955]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Marine1955]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'



The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, 'He went that way.'



After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'



The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

THE HEART ATTACK



A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband.. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten B***h', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'


:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

RETIREE BATHTUB TEST

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"


"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?



:flag:

[Marine1955]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxErk_1TqqI

[Marine1955]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE ( Amherst , Mass. )


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this
Your correct phone number?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the
Weather going to be like that day?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late.
Can you still get me out early?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of
golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it..,,,


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12
O'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:1 5.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.




Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the
Afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice
As many small balls for the same price.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Cal ler: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if
Possible.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's
On the 15th hole.
; How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, I t's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Cal ler: And what time does that start?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said
they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?






</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Zebra29er]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a
loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his
usual jeans and t-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large,
silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went
crazy.

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by
the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely
excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to
show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the
bars down!

"Now, show your legs by pulling your dress up," he said. This drove the
gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and
charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell
HIM you have a headache AND ARE NOT IN THE MOOD!

[Ed Palmer]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother , "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern , Sally went on to say , "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile , Sally's Mom asked , "Really small , was it?"

Sally replied , "No... Salty."

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!


On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished"!




:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

B****es 'til the End !


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those B****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.




:usmc:

[Marine1955]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Judy Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced
in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the
doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the
word is 'sternum'."

[Zebra29er]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can"t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don"t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let"s take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[7th Comm Bn]

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/kn0522j20100521031436.jpg

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/lb05222cd20100520060311.jpg

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/Foden20100522-pinata20100521060128.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down
but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the
drunk just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no
use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

[Ed Palmer]

http://f1801.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f18611%5fAGMIw0MAAKGhS%2flm5wUksSA 9t6o&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

The object of the game is to destroy American capitalism

by having the government take over everything!

Want to play? No??? Too bad, you're already playing...

and just don’t know it.

And by the way….. Your not winning

[Ed Palmer]

LIBERALS
Q: What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why is it good to have a Liberal passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal?
Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"

Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.

Q: What do you call a Liberal with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome

Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What is foreplay for a Liberal?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is the Liberal doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the Liberal have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.

Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter".
So the genie made him a Republican.

Q: What the difference between a Liberal and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.

Q: How is a Liberal different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.

Q: How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to walk in the dark.

Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: Its the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Liberal parade.

Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberals ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why don't they let Liberals swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Liberal.

Q: What's the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

Q: What's the definition of a Liberal running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q: What's the difference between God and a Liberal?
A: God knows He's not a Liberal.
By Scott21

[Marine1955]

TENNESSEE
DEPUTY SHERIFF vs NEW YORK
LAWYER

Only


in Tennessee



my friends... Only in

Tennessee

...




A




lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by


a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter

than the deputy because he is a lawyer from

New
York
and is certain that he has a better education
than any cop from Nowhere,
Tennessee
. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the
Tennessee
deputy's
expense.









The


deputy says, 'License and registration,

please.'








'What


for?' says the

lawyer..








The


deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop

at the stop

sign.'









Then


the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was

coming.'








'You


still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the

deputy. License and registration,

please.'









The


lawyer says, 'What's the

difference?'








'The


difference is you have to come to complete stop,

that's the law. License and registration,

please!' the Deputy
repeats.









Lawyer


says, 'If you can show me the legal difference

between slow down and stop, I'll give you my

license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me
the
ticket.








'



'That


sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the

deputy

says.
At
this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick
and starts beating the daylights out of the
lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or
just slow
down?'

[Marine1955]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>


Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
















Here is a little test that will help you decide.







The answer can be found by posing the following question:



You're walking down a

deserted street with your wife
and two small children.





Suddenly, an Islamic

Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...





You are carrying a

Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?








THINK CAREFULLY AND

THEN SCROLL DOWN:







Democrat's Answer:


<LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Does the man look poor or oppressed? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Could we run away? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>What does my wife think? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>What about the kids? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>What does the law say about this situation? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Should I call 9-1-1? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Why is this street so deserted? <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day. <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. <LI style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; COLOR: black" class=MsoNormal>I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!



.................................................. ..........................





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>


Republican's Answer:



BANG!







.................................................. .....................




Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Danny C Smith]

Yep.
I am definately a Republican Southerner:evilgrin:

Smitty:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Blonde Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.
The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."




Elderly Positions

Two old women talking over coffee happened upon the subject of sex and what they can do to excite their husbands. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put
your teeth in .... You look like an azzhole!"




:flag:

[tuboe]

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
wish".
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".

Sempers,

Roger
LOL so much my side split, Semper Fi.

[Ed Palmer]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner


Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your
friends.



The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946,
the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.


The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.


They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air
Conditioner,'on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.


They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on
$4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi,
and Max -- on the controls.


I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself !!! Just forward it.

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.erked.com/files/fc12fc25e32ef3b8.jpg

[CalmaSAdkisson]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."

[tuboe]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."




Don't you mean politicians, or blonds:D S/f

[silverdollar]

I thought that was about physco broads.

[montana]

Question....why dont birds pizz
answer...becaus they eat with thems peckers

[tuboe]

http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/images_ln/attach/jpg.gif

[Big Jim]

Time to take down the birdfeeder.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

[Wheels123]

Time to take down the birdfeeder.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.


I agree.:thumbup:

[muck]

No maybe about it, but it is time for We the People to take down the feeder!

[Ed Palmer]

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard, the "Cup",
Was used in Hockey in 1874 and
The first helmet was used in 1974.


That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brains are also important.


Quit Laughing.

[Big Jim]

Two men got pulled over, the driver knows he is gonna go to jail, so he pulls the last bottle of bud light outta the box, takes the label off and sticks it to his forehead. The officer comes up to the window and says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The guy points to his head and says, "Nope, I'm on the patch." LOLOL

[ameriken]

Frozen crabs and the blonde stewardess.

A lawyer boarded an airplance in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her and the airline responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haught manner that he was a lawyer and he proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior but nevertheless she put the crabs in the refrigerator.

Shortly before landing in New York, she got on the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons learned:

1-Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2-Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Is Sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.



:flag:

[tuboe]

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:
No maybe about it, but it is time for We the People to take down the feeder!

[firedog974]

Is Sex work?


A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.




:flag:



That is friggin AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:thumbup:

[ameriken]

LMAO :D:thumbup:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors


1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the Police

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.


(I sent this in large type so you can read it)


:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

To my mature friends


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big Sheet he always was.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.




:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Woman Shot in the Head


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed. Both of her hands behind her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open but that she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband immediately called the Paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, but Linda refused to remove her hands from behind her head.

When the Paramedics finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough plastered to the back of her head. A Pillsbury Dinner Rolls' canister had exploded from the heat making a loud noise - that sounded like a gunshot - and the wad of dough had hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had, initially, passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could, certainly, all be a coincidence.



:usmc:

[tdrt]

Ole & Lena's Honeymoon

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor . He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . ..quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth ...

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!

[tdrt]

Same Sex marriage
http://f624.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f64906%5fAFNLk0UAAAInTAKBCQwCwXO2I zw&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
Michael and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.






In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'










Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '














After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are MIchael and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'










http://f624.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f64906%5fAFNLk0UAAAInTAKBCQwCwXO2I zw&pid=1.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1









He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

So, I lost the local bar trivia contest last night by 1 point.

The last question was “where do women have the curliest hair?”









.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji





:flag:

[Ed Palmer]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Skosh59]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any 2
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those 2 points would
be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my
weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had
received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'
which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where
are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied................

' Vietnam

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Difference Between a Marine Officer And an NCO



A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn't impaired he remained in the Marine Corps. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.


One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff.



The first was a captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."

The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.



The second interview was with a Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you have no ears."

The general, now really P***ed, threw him out also.



The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.



"Well, Sir," the gunny replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f-----' ears."




:flag:

[montana]

hear bout the quier twins...Jerald Fitspatric...and Patrick Fitsjerald

[Danny C Smith]

hear bout the quier twins...Jerald Fitspatric...and Patrick Fitsjerald

LOL!! That s%^t ain't right.

Smitty:usmc:

[ameriken]

<TT>Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. </TT>
<TT>He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. </TT>

<TT>The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. </TT>

<TT>The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" </TT>

<TT>Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." </TT>

<TT>The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." </TT>

<TT>Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" </TT>

<TT>Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. </TT>

<TT>The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.. Here's your money." </TT>

<TT>Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump." </TT>

<TT>The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." </TT>

[ameriken]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in <ST1:p<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">County Clare</st1:City> , <st1:country-region w:st="on">Ireland</st1:country-region>. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the <st1:City w:st="on">Lisbon</st1:City> treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.

My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites..

And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.. Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[Marine1955]

A guy gets a new job so he goes and buys himself a suit and a pair of shiny black patent leather shoes. Then he decides to go dancing.
He's dancing with a girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I don't like girls who wear polka dot panties."
She says, "How do you know I'm wearing polka dot panties?"
He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes."
He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her, and says, "I like girls who wear white lace underwear."
She says, "How do you know I'm wearing white lace underwear?"
He says, "I can see them in my shiny new black patent leather shoes."
He's dancing with another girl, he looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...looks down at his shiny new black patent leather shoes, looks back at her...and says, "What do you have on under that dress?"
She says, "Nothing."
He says, "Whew...I thought I had a crack in my shiny new black patent leather shoes."

[Marine1955]

Hartke goes into a toy store to get a birthday present for his daughter and says to the salesgirl, "How much for one of the Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesgirl says, "Which one do you mean? Workout Barbie is $19.95, Shopping Barbie is $19.95, Ballerina Barbie is $19.95, and Divorced Barbie is $265.95."
Hartke says, "What? Why's Divorced Barbie $265.95 if the others are only $19.95?"
The salesgirl rolls her eyes and says, "Because Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends and a cute little key chain made out of Ken's testicles."

[ameriken]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. (you know what I mean).

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he replied, 'For the love of God woman, don't you ever stop?'

[Danny C Smith]

Here is an old joke my old War Horse of a Grand Pop
told me when I was on leave from Boot in 86.
there is nothing P.C. about it but it is a hoot.

Young, Tom Sawyer type white boy is walking though the
woods one day and sees a young, black boy leaning
up against a hickory tree jearking off.
white boy is amazed by the size of black boy's member.
white boy asks, how did you get yer dick so big?
I rubs lard on it, says black boy.
white boy asks, if I rub lard on mine, will it get big like yourn?
Yep, works ever time.
So, white boy goes home and gets some of Mama's Crisco.
Thinking "Crisco will do you proud every time."
he jerks and jerks and jerks for days and it seems to get smaller.
white boy goes back to the woods and finds black boy by the same
hickory tree. jerkin. and his dick is bigger than ever.
white boy says, it didn't work. my dick is gettin smaller!
black boy asks, what lard' you use?
white boy says, Crisco!
black boy says, you dumbass. that ain't lard.
It's Shawt'nin.

Fire at will.

Smitty:usmc:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".


Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"


First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!":evilgrin:

[tripledog]

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>A teacher with no sense of humor


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".


Guess where I am now...


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Somebody has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN.


<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=1275778827.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/1275778827.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

Can be ordered in three firmness levels: "saline, silicone or natural" in sizes C – DDDD.
Anyone wanting less than a C should just sleep on the floor.
Available only at 'Butts, Boobs & Beyond'




:usmc:

[The DUKE]

I dont have a quick joke to match any of these but, I do have a small sample of man/woman wisdom for you married men to test and either agree or disagree with.

"Women, do not try to understand them, for they are a breed apart and make no sense" how many times have you had to just let it ride on these words and walk away?

[Danny C Smith]

I dont have a quick joke to match any of these but, I do have a small sample of man/woman wisdom for you married men to test and either agree or disagree with.

"Women, do not try to understand them, for they are a breed apart and make no sense" how many times have you had to just let it ride on these words and walk away?

Every day of my life for more than 20 years.
you are right Boss, that's no joke.

Smitty:usmc:

[Phantom Blooper]

The Baptist Bathroom

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since the there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.

So he sent this reply:

Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages.

It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase neww seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.

Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.

I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground. :evilgrin:

[Ed Palmer]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The task was
given to a multi-lingual International Survey Company based in southern
India.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. b
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

[Ed Palmer]

Sex With Ghosts.




A professor at Georgetown University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies last Wednesday.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, masters degree student Ahmed Mohammad El-Mukfarthee raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, No one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh Sheet, Soooo sorry, Efendi. Sex with ghosts I don't know about. From way back there where I was sitting, I thought you asked about "sex with goats."




http://www.totalleh.com/beta376.gif

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Piano Player Wanted!


A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy Lt.Col. staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then excused himself and lurched to the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"



:usmc:

[rickyracer]

Damm.

[mcvet57103]

http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/320442.full.gif (http://comics.com/brevity/2010-05-20/)

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Why, Why, Why???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?




If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?



Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?




Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?



How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?



How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.





****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****



:flag:

[Marine1955]

http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f105095%5fAK94%2fNgAALNATBZjbgZ%2b 5Hu2Ojk&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1


My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."