Chuckles of the Day...

[Phantom Blooper]

Nursery Rhymes That You Didn't Have As Kids.....

Mary
had a little pig,

She
kept it fat and plastered;

And
when the price of pork went up,

She
shot the little bastard.


********************


Mary
had a little lamb.

Her
father shot it dead.

Now
it goes to school with her,

Between
two hunks of bread.

********************


Jack
and Jill went up the hill

To
have a little fun.

Stupid
Jill forgot the pill

And
now they have a son.

********************


Simple
Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said
Simple Simon to the pie man,

"What
have you got there?"

Said
the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb azz"
********************


Humpty
Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty
Dumpty had a great fall.

All
the kings' horses,

And
all the kings' men.

Had
scrambled eggs,

For
breakfast again.

********************


Hey
diddle, diddle, the cat
took
a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.

The
little dog laughed to
see
such fun.

Then
died of electric shock.

********************


Georgie
Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed
the girls and made them cry.

And
when the boys came out to play,

He
kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************


There
was a little girl who had a little curl

Right
in the middle of her forehead.

When
she was good, she was very, very good.

But
when she was bad........

She
got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
car.:banana:


:evilgrin:

[thewookie]

Those are pretty sweet rhymes, thanks Bloop!:)

[Drafter]

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/7thMarine/crap/Repubpic.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLzrJxR2nzQ

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

The Mother of all Jokes


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they...'


:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Just remember
When you Are having a bad day And think that You are having problems, Just remember:


SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD,THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.

:usmc:

[oldtop]

Thanks William....spewed cpffee all over my screen and keyboard!!!

[Skosh59]

The caption is self explanatory.... RU? or RU not
If you noticed the bow first, I have bad news for you. :(

[zx6rdr]

Some old ones from the barracks....

Q:Why don't husbands eat out their wifes in the morning?

A: Because its like liking apart a grilled cheese sandwhich



Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?




A: Fur traders

[marine1955]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="BORDER-RIGHT: 4.5pt outset; BORDER-TOP: 4.5pt outset; BACKGROUND: black; MARGIN-LEFT: 31.5pt; BORDER-LEFT: 1pt outset; WIDTH: 240pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: 4.5pt outset" cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width=320 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that


name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally


cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone


again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called


him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird


forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He


jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into


the forest where he made love to her all day and


all night. He made love to her all the next day,


until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what


he promised he would do. Years went by and no


one dared call him by his given name until A woman


named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being


away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him


and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


then he made love to her all day, made love to her all


night, made love to her all the next day, made love to


her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die!


Why ???



OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows...


You can't killTwo Birds

with OneStone!!!





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>











</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Thank you for purchasing “Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines” brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Copper Hill, Tennessee.

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


:usmc:

[BigAlHolmes165]

Sempfer Fi. MALS -31 Avionics
I started my music & film company when I got out in 05 at the best rank in the Marines.... Sgt!
Support with a vote.
vote for our artists song "Let Me Take You". by Kayo feat. Yung Capo of my recording company ChiCityInc. It was just on 1075 WGCI chicago . go to www.djtimbuck2.com (http://www.djtimbuck2.com) and scroll down and vote.

Hope everything is good with all you Marines and you all are succeeding in life!

Semper Fi. RIP to my fallen brothers.


NOW you are spamming.

[Zebra29er]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life:
Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of
humor!

[Skosh59]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified, Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and got down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[Zebra29er]

<TABLE border=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=center>Lawyer and the Jag (http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/index.php?topic=25114.msg294360#msg294360)


</TD><TD style="FONT-SIZE: smaller" height=20 vAlign=bottom align=right>http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/Themes/default/images/buttons/quote.gifQuote (http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/index.php?action=post;quote=294360;topic=25114.0;n um_replies=4;sesc=be72a3145d1e98c7c44681bb94e5c237 ) </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<HR class=hrcolor SIZE=1 width="100%">One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[Ed Palmer]

Obama Joke of the Day (Gotta love those good ole boys from Texas!) :-)


A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," t he cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of thi s country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

:usmc:

[ecfree]

Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

:flag:
LMFAO.....My brew came shooting out my nose on to the moniter......uch........

[Zebra29er]

F16 vs. C-130 F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'


When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!


Us older folks understand this one.

[Zebra29er]

Prostate Exam A man
goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as
a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female
doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new
procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy obeys
and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn
over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a
deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says,
'99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now
take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins,
'One ... Two ... Three'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he says proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she says, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, ONE: I like to watch my money grow."

"TWO: once in a while I like to play with my money."

"THREE: I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, LASTLY: instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.


:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Why you should not make your husband go to Target with you.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 13. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled, PICK ME, PICK ME.

14. October 21. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

:flag:

[kfisbusy]

:):thumbup:I love your jokes keep them coming thanks show much SSG FRANCISCO. SEMPER FI.

[ameriken]

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In
Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings..

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.

This Is Done By The Chip Monks .



You Didn't Even See That Coming, Did You?

[Skosh59]

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

LMAO!!!

:o :) :) :)

[Skosh59]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F**k off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

[muck]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

[zx6rdr]

Just some history points to brighten your day.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo

Indian boy, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher ,

'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****,

We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008

[Ed Palmer]

3 Hookers were talking...


Three hookers were talking.

The first one said "I had a Fireman last night".

The second one asked how she knew he was a
fireman, and the first one replied "I saw his badge."

The second hooker said "Well I had a
policeman". The first one asked how she knew he
was a
policeman. The second hooker replied "I saw his
gun."


The third hooker then joined in and said "Well I had a
farmer last night".


The other two replied "How do you know he was a farmer"?
The third hooker replied

"First he said it cost too much,

then he said that it was too dry,


then he said it was too wet,


and when we were through he asked if I had any


free hats!!"

[marine1955]

Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fracking hard-on I've got. It must be all the fresh air. I'm going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?".
John says, "Why the frack would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that's my cock your holding."

[marine1955]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Sam says, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me? I really want to know. Please..."
She says, "Well, all right. Yes, three times..."
He says, "Three? Well, when were they?"
She says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were thirty-five years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Then remember one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan
papers, no questions asked?"
He says, "Oh, Becky, I love that you did that for me. I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?"
She says, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you
were in good shape again?"
He says, "I can't believe it, Becky, that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number three?"
She says, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were one hundred votes short?"

[marine1955]

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing the next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around her rump to keep the stallion away. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found.
He follows her trail to the neighboring farm, and says to the kid in the field, "Hey, boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid says, "No, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."

[marine1955]

A couple gets married, and the best man dances with the bride for the first song. And then they dance the second song...and the third. By the time the fourth song comes along, the groom is madd. So he runs up and kicks the bride between the legs. A riot breaks out, and all the invited guests are hauled off to jail.
In court the next day, the judge says to the best man, "What happened?"
The best man says, "Your honor, we were just dancing, when that madman ran up and kicked his new bride between the legs."
The judge says, "That must have hurt."
The best man says, "Well, hell, yeah. He broke three of my fingers."

[marine1955]

Mrs. Anderson walks into the house and there's her husband, seducing the daylights out of a strange woman on the living room floor.
She says, "Anderson, what the hell is going on here?"
He says, "I can explain. I picked up this poor girl hitchhiking. She was cold and hungry, so I brought her home and fed her. Her clothes were torn and ragged, and you have so much, so I grabbed her a few things to wear. And she was barefoot, and you have so
many pairs of shoes, so I gave her a pair. And then, as she was leaving, she turned around and said, "Is there anything else around here that your wife doesn't use?"

[Ed Palmer]

Legs or breasts









Last night I was talking to
a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm no longer welcome at KFC.

[marine1955]

Legs or breasts









Last night I was talking to
a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm no longer welcome at KFC.


Me neither Ed..she ask right, what do they expect!!

[OleDoc]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.


:usmc:

[Ed Palmer]

I am sorry Honey it was all my fault
so would you please come out and help me
http://i37.tinypic.com/2e3zcm0.jpg

[mcvet57103]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><ST1:pHamilton</ST1:p</st1:City> because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.
http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Controversial%20photos/image0011.jpg

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A married couple walked in to a souvenir store in Jamaica .

The Jamaican man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the Sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you Into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"


:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

An American doctor, not to be outdone says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

:usmc:

[doc h fmf]

Charlie Brown was invited to lucy's pool party he couldn't find his bathing suit,so he put on a pair of his father's.HE WAS DIVING IN THE POOL AND WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME,THEN UNBEKNOWN TO HIM HIS BATHING SUIT CAME DOWN,AND OF ALL PEOPLE LUCY SAW HIM AND SAID charlie brown i always knew you were crazy but now i see your nuts

[Phantom Blooper]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "Tits.":beer:

:evilgrin:

[Ed Palmer]

I recall my first time with a condom.

I was 16 or so. I went into the drugstore to buy a pack of condoms.
There was a beautiful women behind the counter. She could see that I
was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No".

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that
all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the
condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on, " she insisted, "we don't have much time." So I climbed
on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back
and pow, I was done within a minute.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I replied,
"I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

[Zebra29er]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[Zebra29er]

A Prayer for daddy

"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

[Phantom Blooper]

Big Bad Wolf said,



I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!

The three little pigs said,



**** off or we'll sneeze on you! :evilgrin:

[Ed Palmer]

Wise Old Jewish Man





A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a flucking wall

[Zebra29er]

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Gos, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto. An armed society makes for a more civil society!

[marine1955]

hope this works now

http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv (http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv)

[Zulu 36]

hope this works now

http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv (http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv)


Good old Monty Python.

[Ed Palmer]

Dear Diary,

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!

[7th Comm Bn]

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/tmdsu09102120091022101128.jpg

[Zebra29er]

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States .

He Stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free Medical care and free education!"

You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another
Passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes His hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !" That person puts up His hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I Am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew



This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of an opportunity to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[Ed Palmer]

Obama Jokes
Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?
A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African.
Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.
Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

[7th Comm Bn]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Two buddies were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says,? "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself, My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.


:flag:

[marine1955]

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little f eel here and a little kiss there..
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
-- "Did you dance much ?"
-- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and taking advantage of them when they weren't paying attention?

:usmc:

[mErKtWiSt]

<TABLE id=post26279 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" align=center border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD class=alt1 id=td_post_26279 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #b5b1b1 1px solid">AT&T

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please.

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me.

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, hat I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeth?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T & T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click........
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[marine1955]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[7th Comm Bn]

As a Marine was driving home from the Pentagon one day, he noticed there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt.

He saw a man in a dark suit, overcoat, and dark sunglasses coming towards his car. After the man showed him a badge identifying himself as an agent of the Secret Service, he asked the agent what was wrong.

The Secret Service agent said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. President Obama is in the road very upset. We were on our way to another one of his Labor union campaign fundraising events, but the President's limo broke down and, because of the delay, we just might have to call the Labor union executives and cancel the fundraiser. The President is very distraught about the prospect of losing all that Labor union money he was sure to get for his speech tonight...an estimated $5 million. He's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire."

The Marine asked the Secret Service agent, "Well what are you doing about it?"

The agent said, "We're trying to demonstrate our support for the President, so we're going from car to car asking for donations."

The Marine asked, "How much have you collected so far?"

The agent replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

[7th Comm Bn]

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, are on the Titanic.

When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!"

Obama: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do we have time?"

[Ed Palmer]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy
and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there
was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[tripledog]

Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have, sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'





Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.davezilla.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/get-paid.jpg

http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/rockbottom.jpg

[firedog974]

Ed, not to take away from your post, but that woman is not rock bottom......the guy wanting to sleep with her is rock bottom.

[3522]

Ed, not to take away from your post, but that woman is not rock bottom......the guy wanting to sleep with her is rock bottom.

And you know that, someone, somwhere, would! :sick:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

"Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder"

[marine1955]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman, in uncontrollable anger, reaches over
and slices the man's penis off.

She spitefully tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his six-year-old daughter. The little
girl is chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks
their car windshield, sticks for a moment, then slides off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
such a tender young age, the father replies, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

His daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a moment says,


'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

[mcvet57103]

http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Controversial%20photos/093009seniormoment.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

And you know that, someone, somwhere, would! :sick:

Sparkie come to mind :bunny:

[mcvet57103]

http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Controversial%20photos/103009.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume
to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Ed Palmer]

If you don't laugh at this one,
Then you don't have a sense of humor...
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[tripledog]

<TABLE style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt outset; WIDTH: 448.5pt; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid" class=MsoNormalTable border=1 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=598><TBODY><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #cdffff; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #9aff99; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #fecb99; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #ccccff; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #cccccc; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #fecb00; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Ed Palmer]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[doc h fmf]

what did the farmer say when his cat got ran over by a steam roller?

HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING BUT HE SURE HAD A LONG PUSS

[7th Comm Bn]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. The man, undaunted, picked himself up off the sawdust floor and sat back at the bar. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Michelle Obama appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man quipped. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Obama country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

:iwo:

[DanBO]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What's on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. *I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. *I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. *The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. *I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. *So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. *You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? *Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! *He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. *The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. *I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. *I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. *So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. *She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. *You might have gotten disability, too.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. *I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started...*

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. *The waiter, for some reason took my order first. *“I'll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. *She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. *I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replied, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started.....

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/crash_fail.jpg

[marine1955]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!.....She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

[firedog974]

http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/indulgence-balls-dog-demotivational-poster.jpg
http://dailybloglist.com/fail/wp-content/uploads/envy2-demotivational-poster.jpg
http://lh4.ggpht.com/joelrgross/SK2LtzSXdAI/AAAAAAAACFE/k4B4L0ZzK0E/pic06732.jpg

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"


:flag:

[Ed Palmer]

[QUOTE=firedog974;567937]http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/indulgence-balls-dog-demotivational-poster.jpg
Thats either Sparkies or MARINE 84'SDOG

[silverdollar]

[quote=firedog974;567937]http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/indulgence-balls-dog-demotivational-poster.jpg
Thats either Sparkies or MARINE 84'SDOG



Are you saying that dog is a copycat?

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"


A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)


:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
---------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the 20 pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
===============================================

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other words, send it to everyone.
We all need to smile every once in a while. ....


:usmc:

[ameriken]

Five homos are sitting in a hot tub.

Suddenly some cum slowly rose to the top of the water which prompted one homo to say...."OK, Who farted?"

[Phantom Blooper]

"Hello, may I speak to the Commanding Officer of Fleet Marine
Amphibious Group Six."

"Speaking, how may I help you sir."

"Yea, well good morning. I'm Sheriff Johnny Griffin of Duncan
County Georgia. I'm calling about an unfortunate incident that happened
here this weekend between four of my off-duty deputies and your
Gunnery Sergeant John Anthony Taylor."

"Yes sheriff I am familiar with the incident,
how can I help you?"

"Well first I'd lak ta pologize fer four of ma men jumpin on the Gunny lak that. In all
fairness they shouldn't have attackted him lak they did, but in their defense ah
hafta say they had been adrinkin.


Anyway that ain't no excuse. They shouldn't of jumped him lak they
did. Also ah wants ya to know that we all have a great deal of respect fer
the military and had they known he was a Marine, they probably
wouldn't jumped him lak they did.

See he was eyeballin Paula the bartender and they didn't take too
kindly to it. They saw his Eagle and globe Marine emblem on his t-shirt and they just
kinda tore into him. Anyways I really regret that it happened."

"I'm sure you do sheriff."

"Well ah just called to pass on the good news to you and hope that you'll pass it on to
Gunnery Sergeant Taylor. The good news is that all four of my deputies.....they's all gonna
live.

Jones will have a permanent limp but the doctor says he
will eventually walk again.

Wilcox can talk again since they installed the larynx box and they hope to be able
to pull Markam's nose out of his skull later this week.

They successfully removed the size 13 spit-shined shoe out of Harris' ass
this morning and the doc says within two weeks he'll be able to sit
again. By the way I will be mailing that shoe back to ya."

"I'm glad to hear that they're all recovering so nicely sheriff."

"Yea me too. Me too. Oh, by the way could I ask you a favor?"

"Sure sheriff, what is it?"

"Please don't let anymore of your Marines into
Paula's beer joint. I'm down to me and one deputy."

"I'll put if off limits right away sheriff."

The investigation of Gunny Sergeant Taylor:


"Gunnery Sergeant I just received a report that you were involved in an
"altercation" with four civilians at Paula's Bar in Duncan Georgia this past
Saturday."

"Yes sir, that's correct sir."

"Well along with the report came these pictures, can you explain them to me."

"Well yes sir, I was sitting drinking my beer talking to the female
bartender when these four guys yelled and charged at me."

"Well would you be kind enough to explain what happened next?"

"Well sir an "altercation" broke out."

"Well Gunny lets start with the first picture here,
its marked Mr. Jones."

"Well sir, he was the first one to come at me,
I grabbed him and tried to hold him as he
repeatedly attacked my fist with his face."

"I see, and how did he break his leg?"

"Apparently it was when he flew out the second floor
window sir."

"What about photo number two? A Mr. Duncan it says."

"Sir it appeared to me that Mr. Duncan had severe
intestinal gas. Anyway a vacuum formed in his
intestines which caused my foot to rise
with unusual force and lodge itself in his ass, plugging the vacuum that was emanating from his
rectum. He too departed by the same window."

"I see, and Mr. Wilcox here."

"Unfortunately Mr. Wilcox swung at me and missed but
unfortunately his forward momentum caused him to
trip and the poor fellow fell into my palm and struck it with the
brunt of his neck."

"Ok and Mr. Markum here?"

"Mr. Markum's nose charged my elbow sir."

"Did he manage to successfully engage your
elbow with his nose?"

"He did sir."

"And how long did this entire incident take Gunny?"

"I would estimate 20 to 30 seconds sir."

"And what did you do when it was over?"

" I finished my beer and continued talking to the bartender sir."

"Thank you Gunnery Sergeant, that will be all."

[rickyracer]

Some good ones there..

[Captain Kirk]

A very well stated after action report by the Gunny I would say.:)

[Wrench3516]

:beer:
The Corps found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old W4 who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

[Ed Palmer]

Each day a English college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke,
usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide
that the next time he does it, they're just going to get up and leave the
class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them
planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class
with, "Did you hear about the shortage of wh0res in Russia?" And sure enough
all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.

The professor shouts,
"Wait! The boat doesn't leave 'till Monday!"

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Malt Whiskey, the wife gave me a great home cooked meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .

'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.

:flag:

[awbrown1462]

Leather Smell (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2228)


When a woman wears a leather dress, …A man’s heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why?
http://www.thekumachan.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/leather-150x150.jpg (http://www.thekumachan.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/leather.jpg)





It’s because she smells like a new truck.

<SMALL></SMALL>

[awbrown1462]

The Best Engine in the World (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2206)


A notable gynecologist once said, “The best engine in the world is the vagina.” It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so ****ing temperamental.

[awbrown1462]

Hot Chili (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2225)


I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to s**t yourself’ road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2′. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate… Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

[Zebra29er]

<TABLE class=Discussion_PostTitleTable><TBODY><TR><TD id=forumPostTitle[1] class=Discussion_PostTitleTableTitle>Twenty Nine Lines To Make You Smile

</TD><TD class=Discussion_PostStatusIndicator>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE class=Discussion_PostTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=Discussion_PostTableUser>
</TD><TD id=forumPostFormattedBody[1] class=Discussion_PostTablePost>Or give you something to ponderhttp://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif

1..My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't..
2..I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12... God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[awbrown1462]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death… (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2193)


This is quite touching.
……. .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … . .
… … .. … … … …. …. …… … … … …. ….. .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
… . …. … …. …. …
…… …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. .. . . …. ….
. .. .
. . .. . .. . …
……. … … … .. … ……. … .. …. … … ….. ….
. .. .. .
.. ….
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. …. .. … … ……. …… …..
Deep stuff, huh?
I nearly cried when he said, “. .. . . . .. .. … .. … . . …. ….”

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Barack Obama dies and goes to heaven. God asks him what he believes. Barack replies: "I believe that you're sitting in my chair!" LOL



:flag:

[Captain Kirk]

Then Baraak Obama exits stage right. :bunny::D:bunny:

[mcvet57103]

Then Baraak Obama exits stage right. :bunny::D:bunny:Shouldn't that be "stage down, wayyyyyyydown"?

[Captain Kirk]

YUP!:bunny:

[Rob Parry]

It's not my spelling of Seamus, but I can't be arsed to change them all! :D


Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.



So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

[Ed Palmer]

HAVE YOU HEARD: Sublime Wisdom
If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed - US. Air Force Manual
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons - General Douglas MacArthur
You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do' - Unknown Marine Recruit
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
'Even with ammunition, the U.S. Air Force is just another expensive flying club.'
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.'
'Never trade luck for skill.'
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?' , 'Where are we?' , and ...'Oh S...!'
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we have never left one up there!'
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
Airman, maintain thy air speed, lest the earth rise up and smite you!
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime - Sign over the Squadron Ops. Desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
[Source: Veterans’ Corner w/Michael Isam 4 Nov 09 ++]

===============================

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=cavemen.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/cavemen.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

:flag:

[marine1955]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[marine1955]

The Aisle Seat

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the Coke the other
Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone, the other
Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pizzing in Cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'


:flag:

[marine1955]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'



:flag:

OH thats bad very bad !!! But oh so funny oh so funny!!!! LOL LOL

[Ed Palmer]

Hospital IRS Audit



At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Prick."

[marine1955]

I got this from a friend so here goes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hgGj8kbuRk

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

COCK A DOODLE DO!!!


An old guy approaches the window of a movie theater with a rooster on his shoulder, and ask for two tickets.

The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. he replies: well, its my pet rooster, of course.

I"m sorry; the girl says,' we cant allow animals in the theater.

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the rooster inside his pants.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes inside the theater: the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick his head out and watch the movie.

Seated next to him is a woman, she looks at his lap and

is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers; this man over here has just unzipped his pants!

Myrtle whispers back: oh dont worry about it.. if you"ve seen one. You"ve seen them all.

Agnes says ~~I KNOW!

But this ones eating my POPCORN!.


*************

Photo on the Nightstand

After a night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so cute when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the heck is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear, 'That's me before the surgery.


:usmc:

[mErKtWiSt]

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"


And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.


"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "D**k, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection. Then he said, "D**k, at EASE!"

And his d**k deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "D**k, ten-HUT!"

And the d**k sprang to life. Then it was "D**k, at EASE!"


But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "D**k, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-b***h, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-b***h a dishonorable discharge

[Phantom Blooper]

ATLANTA AIRPORT

Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

[marine1955]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of
Valentine'sDay.


'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?



Osama Bin Laden,' she says,



Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.



'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.



And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.




Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.





'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the Fracher.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=image0012.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/image0012.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

:usmc:

[Wrench3516]

:beer:
APPLE DOES IT AGAIN...

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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.


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This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
:p



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[Wrench3516]

:beer:
MY NEW TRUCK

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States "

Damn I love this truck.......:cool::cool: