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Phantom Blooper
09-25-09, 09:32 PM
Nursery Rhymes That You Didn't Have As Kids.....

Mary
had a little pig,

She
kept it fat and plastered;

And
when the price of pork went up,

She
shot the little bastard.


********************


Mary
had a little lamb.

Her
father shot it dead.

Now
it goes to school with her,

Between
two hunks of bread.

********************


Jack
and Jill went up the hill

To
have a little fun.

Stupid
Jill forgot the pill

And
now they have a son.

********************


Simple
Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said
Simple Simon to the pie man,

"What
have you got there?"

Said
the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb azz"
********************


Humpty
Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty
Dumpty had a great fall.

All
the kings' horses,

And
all the kings' men.

Had
scrambled eggs,

For
breakfast again.

********************


Hey
diddle, diddle, the cat
took
a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.

The
little dog laughed to
see
such fun.

Then
died of electric shock.

********************


Georgie
Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed
the girls and made them cry.

And
when the boys came out to play,

He
kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************


There
was a little girl who had a little curl

Right
in the middle of her forehead.

When
she was good, she was very, very good.

But
when she was bad........

She
got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
car.:banana:


:evilgrin:

thewookie
09-25-09, 09:39 PM
Those are pretty sweet rhymes, thanks Bloop!:)

Drafter
09-26-09, 04:31 PM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y235/7thMarine/crap/Repubpic.jpg

Ed Palmer
09-26-09, 05:55 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLzrJxR2nzQ

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
09-26-09, 08:05 PM
The Mother of all Jokes


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18, she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they...'


:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
09-26-09, 08:08 PM
Just remember
When you Are having a bad day And think that You are having problems, Just remember:


SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD,THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.

:usmc:

oldtop
09-28-09, 09:18 AM
Thanks William....spewed cpffee all over my screen and keyboard!!!

Skosh59
09-28-09, 01:56 PM
The caption is self explanatory.... RU? or RU not
If you noticed the bow first, I have bad news for you. :(

zx6rdr
09-28-09, 02:09 PM
Some old ones from the barracks....

Q:Why don't husbands eat out their wifes in the morning?

A: Because its like liking apart a grilled cheese sandwhich



Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?




A: Fur traders

Marine1955
09-28-09, 06:23 PM
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="BORDER-RIGHT: 4.5pt outset; BORDER-TOP: 4.5pt outset; BACKGROUND: black; MARGIN-LEFT: 31.5pt; BORDER-LEFT: 1pt outset; WIDTH: 240pt; BORDER-BOTTOM: 4.5pt outset" cellSpacing=3 cellPadding=0 width=320 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">The Indian With One Testicle



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle



and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that



name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.



After years and years of torment, Onestone finally



cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone



again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called



him that any more.



Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird



forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He



jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into



the forest where he made love to her all day and



all night. He made love to her all the next day,



until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.



The word got around that Onestone meant what



he promised he would do. Years went by and no



one dared call him by his given name until A woman



named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being



away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him



and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'



Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,



then he made love to her all day, made love to her all



night, made love to her all the next day, made love to



her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die!



Why ???




OH, come on... take a guess !!!



Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows...



You can't killTwo Birds



with OneStone!!!






</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>












</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
09-29-09, 12:31 PM
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'





(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)

:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
09-29-09, 12:33 PM
Thank you for purchasing “Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines” brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Copper Hill, Tennessee.

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


:usmc:

Wyoming
09-30-09, 11:42 AM
Sempfer Fi. MALS -31 Avionics
I started my music & film company when I got out in 05 at the best rank in the Marines.... Sgt!
Support with a vote.
vote for our artists song "Let Me Take You". by Kayo feat. Yung Capo of my recording company ChiCityInc. It was just on 1075 WGCI chicago . go to www.djtimbuck2.com (http://www.djtimbuck2.com) and scroll down and vote.

Hope everything is good with all you Marines and you all are succeeding in life!

Semper Fi. RIP to my fallen brothers.


NOW you are spamming.

Zebra29er
09-30-09, 12:16 PM
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Are not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life:
Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of
humor!

Skosh59
09-30-09, 03:00 PM
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified, Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and got down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Zebra29er
09-30-09, 03:50 PM
<TABLE border=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=center>Lawyer and the Jag (http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/index.php?topic=25114.msg294360#msg294360)


</TD><TD style="FONT-SIZE: smaller" height=20 vAlign=bottom align=right>http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/Themes/default/images/buttons/quote.gifQuote (http://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/index.php?action=post;quote=294360;topic=25114.0;n um_replies=4;sesc=be72a3145d1e98c7c44681bb94e5c237 ) </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

<HR class=hrcolor SIZE=1 width="100%">One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

Ed Palmer
10-01-09, 02:38 PM
Obama Joke of the Day (Gotta love those good ole boys from Texas!) :-)


A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," t he cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of thi s country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-01-09, 07:33 PM
Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-01-09, 07:36 PM
Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

:usmc:

ecfree
10-01-09, 07:39 PM
Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

:flag:
LMFAO.....My brew came shooting out my nose on to the moniter......uch........

Zebra29er
10-02-09, 11:10 AM
F16 vs. C-130 F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'


When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!


Us older folks understand this one.

Zebra29er
10-02-09, 11:48 AM
Prostate Exam A man
goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as
a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female
doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new
procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I
check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy obeys
and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn
over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a
deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says,
'99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now
take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins,
'One ... Two ... Three'

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-02-09, 08:06 PM
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he says proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she says, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, ONE: I like to watch my money grow."

"TWO: once in a while I like to play with my money."

"THREE: I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, LASTLY: instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.


:usmc:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-02-09, 08:10 PM
Why you should not make your husband go to Target with you.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 13. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled, PICK ME, PICK ME.

14. October 21. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

:flag:

kfisbusy
10-02-09, 08:49 PM
:):thumbup:I love your jokes keep them coming thanks show much SSG FRANCISCO. SEMPER FI.

ameriken
10-05-09, 03:45 PM
This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In
Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings..

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.

This Is Done By The Chip Monks .



You Didn't Even See That Coming, Did You?

Skosh59
10-05-09, 06:19 PM
Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-05-09, 07:32 PM
LMAO!!!

:o :) :) :)

Skosh59
10-08-09, 09:37 AM
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F**k off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

muck
10-08-09, 11:57 AM
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

zx6rdr
10-08-09, 01:05 PM
Just some history points to brighten your day.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright Navajo

Indian boy, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher ,

'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****,

We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008

Ed Palmer
10-08-09, 02:54 PM
3 Hookers were talking...


Three hookers were talking.

The first one said "I had a Fireman last night".

The second one asked how she knew he was a
fireman, and the first one replied "I saw his badge."

The second hooker said "Well I had a
policeman". The first one asked how she knew he
was a
policeman. The second hooker replied "I saw his
gun."


The third hooker then joined in and said "Well I had a
farmer last night".


The other two replied "How do you know he was a farmer"?
The third hooker replied

"First he said it cost too much,

then he said that it was too dry,


then he said it was too wet,


and when we were through he asked if I had any


free hats!!"

Marine1955
10-12-09, 11:23 AM
Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fracking hard-on I've got. It must be all the fresh air. I'm going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?".
John says, "Why the frack would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that's my cock your holding."

Marine1955
10-12-09, 11:45 AM
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Sam says, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me? I really want to know. Please..."
She says, "Well, all right. Yes, three times..."
He says, "Three? Well, when were they?"
She says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were thirty-five years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Then remember one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan
papers, no questions asked?"
He says, "Oh, Becky, I love that you did that for me. I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?"
She says, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you
were in good shape again?"
He says, "I can't believe it, Becky, that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number three?"
She says, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were one hundred votes short?"

Marine1955
10-12-09, 11:56 AM
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing the next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around her rump to keep the stallion away. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found.
He follows her trail to the neighboring farm, and says to the kid in the field, "Hey, boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The kid says, "No, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."

Marine1955
10-12-09, 11:58 AM
A couple gets married, and the best man dances with the bride for the first song. And then they dance the second song...and the third. By the time the fourth song comes along, the groom is madd. So he runs up and kicks the bride between the legs. A riot breaks out, and all the invited guests are hauled off to jail.
In court the next day, the judge says to the best man, "What happened?"
The best man says, "Your honor, we were just dancing, when that madman ran up and kicked his new bride between the legs."
The judge says, "That must have hurt."
The best man says, "Well, hell, yeah. He broke three of my fingers."

Marine1955
10-12-09, 12:10 PM
Mrs. Anderson walks into the house and there's her husband, seducing the daylights out of a strange woman on the living room floor.
She says, "Anderson, what the hell is going on here?"
He says, "I can explain. I picked up this poor girl hitchhiking. She was cold and hungry, so I brought her home and fed her. Her clothes were torn and ragged, and you have so much, so I grabbed her a few things to wear. And she was barefoot, and you have so
many pairs of shoes, so I gave her a pair. And then, as she was leaving, she turned around and said, "Is there anything else around here that your wife doesn't use?"

Ed Palmer
10-12-09, 04:14 PM
Legs or breasts









Last night I was talking to
a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm no longer welcome at KFC.

Marine1955
10-13-09, 07:06 PM
Legs or breasts









Last night I was talking to
a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently, I'm no longer welcome at KFC.


Me neither Ed..she ask right, what do they expect!!

OleDoc
10-14-09, 12:09 PM
Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-14-09, 07:40 PM
SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.



:usmc:

Ed Palmer
10-16-09, 10:10 AM
I am sorry Honey it was all my fault
so would you please come out and help me
http://i37.tinypic.com/2e3zcm0.jpg

mcvet57103
10-16-09, 05:41 PM
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><ST1:pHamilton</ST1:p</st1:City> because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating)..

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.
http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Controversial%20photos/image0011.jpg

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-17-09, 04:38 PM
A married couple walked in to a souvenir store in Jamaica .

The Jamaican man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the Sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you Into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"



:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-17-09, 04:40 PM
A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

An American doctor, not to be outdone says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."


:usmc:

doc h fmf
10-17-09, 07:02 PM
Charlie Brown was invited to lucy's pool party he couldn't find his bathing suit,so he put on a pair of his father's.HE WAS DIVING IN THE POOL AND WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME,THEN UNBEKNOWN TO HIM HIS BATHING SUIT CAME DOWN,AND OF ALL PEOPLE LUCY SAW HIM AND SAID charlie brown i always knew you were crazy but now i see your nuts

Phantom Blooper
10-17-09, 09:52 PM
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "Tits.":beer:

:evilgrin:

Ed Palmer
10-19-09, 08:15 AM
I recall my first time with a condom.

I was 16 or so. I went into the drugstore to buy a pack of condoms.
There was a beautiful women behind the counter. She could see that I
was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No".

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that
all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the
condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on, " she insisted, "we don't have much time." So I climbed
on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back
and pow, I was done within a minute.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I replied,
"I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

Zebra29er
10-19-09, 12:13 PM
The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Zebra29er
10-19-09, 12:14 PM
A Prayer for daddy

"Dear God, this year please send some clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

Phantom Blooper
10-19-09, 07:05 PM
Big Bad Wolf said,



I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!

The three little pigs said,



**** off or we'll sneeze on you! :evilgrin:

Ed Palmer
10-20-09, 09:01 AM
Wise Old Jewish Man





A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a flucking wall

Zebra29er
10-21-09, 08:44 PM
This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Gos, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto. An armed society makes for a more civil society!

Marine1955
10-22-09, 03:08 PM
hope this works now

http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv (http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv)

Zulu 36
10-22-09, 06:21 PM
hope this works now

http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv (http://www.members.cox.net/kjgj13/CAMBIOSE.wmv)


Good old Monty Python.

Ed Palmer
10-22-09, 06:42 PM
Dear Diary,

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!

7th Comm Bn
10-23-09, 03:54 AM
http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/tmdsu09102120091022101128.jpg

Zebra29er
10-23-09, 08:48 PM
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States .

He Stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free Medical care and free education!"

You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another
Passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes His hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !" That person puts up His hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I Am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!!

Ed Palmer
10-26-09, 07:57 AM
Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew



This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of an opportunity to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Ed Palmer
10-27-09, 03:19 PM
Obama Jokes
Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?
A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African.
Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.
Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

7th Comm Bn
10-27-09, 04:04 PM
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-27-09, 05:02 PM
Two buddies were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says,? "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself, My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the shirt pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.



:flag:

Marine1955
10-28-09, 09:51 AM
Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little f eel here and a little kiss there..
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
-- "Did you dance much ?"
-- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-28-09, 03:12 PM
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and taking advantage of them when they weren't paying attention?


:usmc:

mErKtWiSt
10-28-09, 05:02 PM
<TABLE id=post26279 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" align=center border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD class=alt1 id=td_post_26279 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #b5b1b1 1px solid">AT&T

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please.

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron.

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me.

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, hat I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor.

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeth?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T & T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click........
<!-- / message --></TD></TR><TR><TD class=alt2 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #b5b1b1 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #b5b1b1 0px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #b5b1b1 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #b5b1b1 1px solid; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #fcf5f5">http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/images_ln/statusicon/user_offline.gif http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/images_ln/buttons/report.gif (http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/report.php?p=26279) </TD><TD class=alt1 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #b5b1b1 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #b5b1b1 0px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #b5b1b1 0px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #b5b1b1 1px solid" align=right><!-- controls --></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Marine1955
10-28-09, 08:44 PM
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

7th Comm Bn
10-28-09, 10:28 PM
As a Marine was driving home from the Pentagon one day, he noticed there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt.

He saw a man in a dark suit, overcoat, and dark sunglasses coming towards his car. After the man showed him a badge identifying himself as an agent of the Secret Service, he asked the agent what was wrong.

The Secret Service agent said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. President Obama is in the road very upset. We were on our way to another one of his Labor union campaign fundraising events, but the President's limo broke down and, because of the delay, we just might have to call the Labor union executives and cancel the fundraiser. The President is very distraught about the prospect of losing all that Labor union money he was sure to get for his speech tonight...an estimated $5 million. He's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire."

The Marine asked the Secret Service agent, "Well what are you doing about it?"

The agent said, "We're trying to demonstrate our support for the President, so we're going from car to car asking for donations."

The Marine asked, "How much have you collected so far?"

The agent replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

7th Comm Bn
10-28-09, 11:14 PM
Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, are on the Titanic.

When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!"

Obama: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do we have time?"

Ed Palmer
10-29-09, 07:01 AM
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy
and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there
was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

tripledog
10-29-09, 10:14 AM
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have, sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'





Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Ed Palmer
10-31-09, 03:33 PM
http://www.davezilla.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/get-paid.jpg

http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/rockbottom.jpg

firedog974
10-31-09, 03:43 PM
Ed, not to take away from your post, but that woman is not rock bottom......the guy wanting to sleep with her is rock bottom.

3522
10-31-09, 07:17 PM
Ed, not to take away from your post, but that woman is not rock bottom......the guy wanting to sleep with her is rock bottom.

And you know that, someone, somwhere, would! :sick:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
10-31-09, 08:30 PM
"Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder"

Marine1955
11-01-09, 01:07 AM
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman, in uncontrollable anger, reaches over
and slices the man's penis off.

She spitefully tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his six-year-old daughter. The little
girl is chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks
their car windshield, sticks for a moment, then slides off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
such a tender young age, the father replies, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

His daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a moment says,


'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

mcvet57103
11-01-09, 10:57 AM
http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Controversial%20photos/093009seniormoment.jpg

Ed Palmer
11-01-09, 11:00 AM
And you know that, someone, somwhere, would! :sick:

Sparkie come to mind :bunny:

mcvet57103
11-01-09, 11:02 AM
http://i602.photobucket.com/albums/tt108/mcvet57103/Controversial%20photos/103009.jpg

Ed Palmer
11-01-09, 07:50 PM
bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume
to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Ed Palmer
11-02-09, 09:04 AM
If you don't laugh at this one,
Then you don't have a sense of humor...
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

tripledog
11-03-09, 11:37 PM
<TABLE style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt outset; WIDTH: 448.5pt; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid" class=MsoNormalTable border=1 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=598><TBODY><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #cdffff; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #9aff99; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #ffffcc; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #fecb99; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #ccccff; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #cccccc; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-LEFT: gray 1pt inset; PADDING-BOTTOM: 8.25pt; PADDING-LEFT: 8.25pt; WIDTH: 426pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 8.25pt; BACKGROUND: #fecb00; BORDER-TOP: gray 1pt solid; BORDER-RIGHT: gray 1pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 8.25pt; moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial" vAlign=top width=568>Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Ed Palmer
11-04-09, 09:01 AM
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

doc h fmf
11-04-09, 06:51 PM
what did the farmer say when his cat got ran over by a steam roller?

HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING BUT HE SURE HAD A LONG PUSS

7th Comm Bn
11-05-09, 12:50 AM
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. The man, undaunted, picked himself up off the sawdust floor and sat back at the bar. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Michelle Obama appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man quipped. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Obama country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"


:iwo:

DanBO
11-05-09, 07:17 AM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What's on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. *I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. *I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. *The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. *I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. *So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. *You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? *Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! *He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. *The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. *I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. *I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. *So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. *She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. *You might have gotten disability, too.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. *I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started...*

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. *The waiter, for some reason took my order first. *“I'll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. *She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. *I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replied, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started.....

Ed Palmer
11-06-09, 11:12 AM
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/crash_fail.jpg

Marine1955
11-06-09, 07:01 PM
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!.....She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

firedog974
11-06-09, 07:27 PM
http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/indulgence-balls-dog-demotivational-poster.jpg
http://dailybloglist.com/fail/wp-content/uploads/envy2-demotivational-poster.jpg
http://lh4.ggpht.com/joelrgross/SK2LtzSXdAI/AAAAAAAACFE/k4B4L0ZzK0E/pic06732.jpg

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-07-09, 12:19 PM
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"



:flag:

Ed Palmer
11-07-09, 01:22 PM
[QUOTE=firedog974;567937]http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/indulgence-balls-dog-demotivational-poster.jpg
Thats either Sparkies or MARINE 84'SDOG

silverdollar
11-08-09, 08:24 AM
[quote=firedog974;567937]http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/indulgence-balls-dog-demotivational-poster.jpg
Thats either Sparkies or MARINE 84'SDOG



Are you saying that dog is a copycat?

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-08-09, 07:30 PM
"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"


A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)



:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-09-09, 09:21 AM
Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
---------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the 20 pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
===============================================

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other words, send it to everyone.
We all need to smile every once in a while. ....



:usmc:

ameriken
11-09-09, 09:39 AM
Five homos are sitting in a hot tub.

Suddenly some cum slowly rose to the top of the water which prompted one homo to say...."OK, Who farted?"

Phantom Blooper
11-09-09, 04:18 PM
"Hello, may I speak to the Commanding Officer of Fleet Marine
Amphibious Group Six."

"Speaking, how may I help you sir."

"Yea, well good morning. I'm Sheriff Johnny Griffin of Duncan
County Georgia. I'm calling about an unfortunate incident that happened
here this weekend between four of my off-duty deputies and your
Gunnery Sergeant John Anthony Taylor."

"Yes sheriff I am familiar with the incident,
how can I help you?"

"Well first I'd lak ta pologize fer four of ma men jumpin on the Gunny lak that. In all
fairness they shouldn't have attackted him lak they did, but in their defense ah
hafta say they had been adrinkin.


Anyway that ain't no excuse. They shouldn't of jumped him lak they
did. Also ah wants ya to know that we all have a great deal of respect fer
the military and had they known he was a Marine, they probably
wouldn't jumped him lak they did.

See he was eyeballin Paula the bartender and they didn't take too
kindly to it. They saw his Eagle and globe Marine emblem on his t-shirt and they just
kinda tore into him. Anyways I really regret that it happened."

"I'm sure you do sheriff."

"Well ah just called to pass on the good news to you and hope that you'll pass it on to
Gunnery Sergeant Taylor. The good news is that all four of my deputies.....they's all gonna
live.

Jones will have a permanent limp but the doctor says he
will eventually walk again.

Wilcox can talk again since they installed the larynx box and they hope to be able
to pull Markam's nose out of his skull later this week.

They successfully removed the size 13 spit-shined shoe out of Harris' ass
this morning and the doc says within two weeks he'll be able to sit
again. By the way I will be mailing that shoe back to ya."

"I'm glad to hear that they're all recovering so nicely sheriff."

"Yea me too. Me too. Oh, by the way could I ask you a favor?"

"Sure sheriff, what is it?"

"Please don't let anymore of your Marines into
Paula's beer joint. I'm down to me and one deputy."

"I'll put if off limits right away sheriff."

The investigation of Gunny Sergeant Taylor:


"Gunnery Sergeant I just received a report that you were involved in an
"altercation" with four civilians at Paula's Bar in Duncan Georgia this past
Saturday."

"Yes sir, that's correct sir."

"Well along with the report came these pictures, can you explain them to me."

"Well yes sir, I was sitting drinking my beer talking to the female
bartender when these four guys yelled and charged at me."

"Well would you be kind enough to explain what happened next?"

"Well sir an "altercation" broke out."

"Well Gunny lets start with the first picture here,
its marked Mr. Jones."

"Well sir, he was the first one to come at me,
I grabbed him and tried to hold him as he
repeatedly attacked my fist with his face."

"I see, and how did he break his leg?"

"Apparently it was when he flew out the second floor
window sir."

"What about photo number two? A Mr. Duncan it says."

"Sir it appeared to me that Mr. Duncan had severe
intestinal gas. Anyway a vacuum formed in his
intestines which caused my foot to rise
with unusual force and lodge itself in his ass, plugging the vacuum that was emanating from his
rectum. He too departed by the same window."

"I see, and Mr. Wilcox here."

"Unfortunately Mr. Wilcox swung at me and missed but
unfortunately his forward momentum caused him to
trip and the poor fellow fell into my palm and struck it with the
brunt of his neck."

"Ok and Mr. Markum here?"

"Mr. Markum's nose charged my elbow sir."

"Did he manage to successfully engage your
elbow with his nose?"

"He did sir."

"And how long did this entire incident take Gunny?"

"I would estimate 20 to 30 seconds sir."

"And what did you do when it was over?"

" I finished my beer and continued talking to the bartender sir."

"Thank you Gunnery Sergeant, that will be all."

rickyracer
11-09-09, 04:36 PM
Some good ones there..

Captain Kirk
11-09-09, 04:42 PM
A very well stated after action report by the Gunny I would say.:)

Wrench3516
11-10-09, 10:33 AM
:beer:
The Corps found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old W4 who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

Ed Palmer
11-12-09, 02:39 PM
Each day a English college professor starts his class off with a dirty joke,
usually derogatory towards women. One day all the women in the class decide
that the next time he does it, they're just going to get up and leave the
class, in protest, without saying anything. A male student overhears them
planning this, and notifies the teacher. The professor opens the next class
with, "Did you hear about the shortage of wh0res in Russia?" And sure enough
all the females get up and hurry to the door to leave.

The professor shouts,
"Wait! The boat doesn't leave 'till Monday!"

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-12-09, 07:55 PM
Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Malt Whiskey, the wife gave me a great home cooked meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy .

'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.


:flag:

awbrown1462
11-13-09, 12:25 PM
Leather Smell (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2228)


When a woman wears a leather dress, …A man’s heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why?
http://www.thekumachan.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/leather-150x150.jpg (http://www.thekumachan.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/leather.jpg)





It’s because she smells like a new truck.

<SMALL></SMALL>

awbrown1462
11-13-09, 12:29 PM
The Best Engine in the World (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2206)


A notable gynecologist once said, “The best engine in the world is the vagina.” It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so ****ing temperamental.

awbrown1462
11-13-09, 12:35 PM
Hot Chili (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2225)


I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to s**t yourself’ road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2′. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate… Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

Zebra29er
11-13-09, 12:41 PM
<TABLE class=Discussion_PostTitleTable><TBODY><TR><TD id=forumPostTitle[1] class=Discussion_PostTitleTableTitle>Twenty Nine Lines To Make You Smile

</TD><TD class=Discussion_PostStatusIndicator>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE class=Discussion_PostTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=Discussion_PostTableUser>
</TD><TD id=forumPostFormattedBody[1] class=Discussion_PostTablePost>Or give you something to ponderhttp://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif

1..My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't..
2..I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12... God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

awbrown1462
11-13-09, 12:51 PM
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death… (http://www.thekumachan.com/?p=2193)


This is quite touching.
……. .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … . .
… … .. … … … …. …. …… … … … …. ….. .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
… . …. … …. …. …
…… …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. .. . . …. ….
. .. .
. . .. . .. . …
……. … … … .. … ……. … .. …. … … ….. ….
. .. .. .
.. ….
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. …. .. … … ……. …… …..
Deep stuff, huh?
I nearly cried when he said, “. .. . . . .. .. … .. … . . …. ….”

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-14-09, 07:58 AM
Barack Obama dies and goes to heaven. God asks him what he believes. Barack replies: "I believe that you're sitting in my chair!" LOL




:flag:

Captain Kirk
11-14-09, 08:03 AM
Then Baraak Obama exits stage right. :bunny::D:bunny:

mcvet57103
11-14-09, 10:31 AM
Then Baraak Obama exits stage right. :bunny::D:bunny:Shouldn't that be "stage down, wayyyyyyydown"?

Captain Kirk
11-14-09, 11:59 AM
YUP!:bunny:

Rob Parry
11-14-09, 03:14 PM
It's not my spelling of Seamus, but I can't be arsed to change them all! :D


Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.



So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

Ed Palmer
11-14-09, 03:56 PM
HAVE YOU HEARD: Sublime Wisdom
If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed - US. Air Force Manual
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons - General Douglas MacArthur
You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do' - Unknown Marine Recruit
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
'Even with ammunition, the U.S. Air Force is just another expensive flying club.'
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.'
'Never trade luck for skill.'
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?' , 'Where are we?' , and ...'Oh S...!'
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we have never left one up there!'
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
Airman, maintain thy air speed, lest the earth rise up and smite you!
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime - Sign over the Squadron Ops. Desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
[Source: Veterans’ Corner w/Michael Isam 4 Nov 09 ++]

===============================

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-14-09, 07:59 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=cavemen.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/cavemen.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

:flag:

Marine1955
11-16-09, 07:33 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Marine1955
11-17-09, 02:27 PM
The Aisle Seat

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the Coke the other
Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone, the other
Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pizzing in Cokes?'


THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-17-09, 07:46 PM
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'



:flag:

Marine1955
11-17-09, 11:17 PM
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'




:flag:

OH thats bad very bad !!! But oh so funny oh so funny!!!! LOL LOL

Ed Palmer
11-18-09, 08:02 AM
Hospital IRS Audit



At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Prick."

Marine1955
11-18-09, 12:10 PM
I got this from a friend so here goes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hgGj8kbuRk

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-18-09, 03:08 PM
COCK A DOODLE DO!!!


An old guy approaches the window of a movie theater with a rooster on his shoulder, and ask for two tickets.

The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. he replies: well, its my pet rooster, of course.

I"m sorry; the girl says,' we cant allow animals in the theater.

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the rooster inside his pants.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes inside the theater: the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick his head out and watch the movie.

Seated next to him is a woman, she looks at his lap and

is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers; this man over here has just unzipped his pants!

Myrtle whispers back: oh dont worry about it.. if you"ve seen one. You"ve seen them all.

Agnes says ~~I KNOW!

But this ones eating my POPCORN!.



*************


Photo on the Nightstand

After a night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so cute when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the heck is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear, 'That's me before the surgery.



:usmc:

mErKtWiSt
11-18-09, 04:21 PM
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"


And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.


"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "D**k, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection. Then he said, "D**k, at EASE!"

And his d**k deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "D**k, ten-HUT!"

And the d**k sprang to life. Then it was "D**k, at EASE!"


But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "D**k, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-b***h, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-b***h a dishonorable discharge

Phantom Blooper
11-18-09, 04:29 PM
ATLANTA AIRPORT

Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

Marine1955
11-18-09, 07:12 PM
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of
Valentine'sDay.


'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?



Osama Bin Laden,' she says,



Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.



'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.



And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.




Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.





'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the Fracher.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-19-09, 07:31 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=image0012.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/image0012.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

:usmc:

Wrench3516
11-20-09, 12:14 PM
:beer:
APPLE DOES IT AGAIN...

<TABLE class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

<TABLE class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
:p



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Wrench3516
11-20-09, 12:45 PM
:beer:
MY NEW TRUCK

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States "

Damn I love this truck.......:cool::cool:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-20-09, 07:41 PM
A guy with two black eyes getting on a plane goes to take his seat and notices that the guy seated next him also has two black eyes. He says “it’s funny how I got these black eyes. I was talk to the well endowed gate agent out there and got a little tongue tied. I told her that I had two pickets to titsburg”.

The other guy says “ same kind of thing happened to me. I was sitting across the table from my wife at breakfast this morning, and what I was trying to say was pass the wheaties sweety, but what came out of my mouth was you’re ruining my life you F***ing B***h!”


:usmc:

Phantom Blooper
11-22-09, 06:43 AM
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Answer:
A crazy biatch who WILL find you! :evilgrin:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-22-09, 07:48 AM
The attached link is from [stickdeath.com], a website created by someone who took the old grade school idea of drawing stick people and turned it into a web site. The site does contain some pretty salty "language and graphics," so if you are thinned skinned don't tune in.




http://www.stickdeath.com/talibloop.html

Marine1955
11-22-09, 10:53 AM
Four Catholic men and a Catholicwoman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is apriest ; when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenhe walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenhe enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee insilence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38Dbreasts, 24"waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Ed Palmer
11-23-09, 08:15 AM
A comment from the Cat !!
http://i49.tinypic.com/105baxf.jpg
Hmmm Doesn't look like anyone I know

Marine1955
11-23-09, 09:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58rdYkc5y7I

:thumbup:

mcvet57103
11-23-09, 04:00 PM
A comment from the Cat !!
http://i49.tinypic.com/105baxf.jpg
Hmmm Doesn't look like anyone I knowI don't see any Tuna, but I smell it.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-23-09, 07:37 PM
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'



:usmc:

Marine1955
11-24-09, 09:24 AM
But you can wash your bosses car this way..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCLZfo3PKSk

Ed Palmer
11-24-09, 09:45 AM
THE OREGONIAN



Oregon news from The Oregonian daily newspaper

Body Found in Willamette River

Salem - (AP) released Nov. 10, 2009

Salem Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Willamette river just west of the Marion Bridge . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive intoxication. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on sexual device, and an Obama t-shirt. In addition, he had a cucumber inserted in his rectum. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-24-09, 03:51 PM
Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer. "Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer. "Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow S*** and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of S***.

Just then Mabel walked into the shed. "What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,” I’m gonna rub this S*** on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfuls.



:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-24-09, 03:54 PM
TRUE LOVE

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years a go, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old B**** what it is."


:usmc:

mcvet57103
11-25-09, 06:28 PM
A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
She says, “I'd take half, then leave you.”
“Excellent,” he replies, “I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get the f**k out.

Marine1955
11-25-09, 07:18 PM
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

Men, you must read to the very end.




The perfect Man and Woman




CLICK HERE (http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf)




</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-25-09, 07:51 PM
I normally despise putting up Christmas lights but, for some reason this puts me in the mood to decorate this year.


<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=Santa.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/Santa.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>


:usmc:

Marine1955
11-26-09, 09:57 AM
Ole and Sven were fishing in Minnesota when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'


'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there waiting for his million bucks.


Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin'
Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-27-09, 07:47 PM
How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13...13...13...'


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on...


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting, '14...14...14...'


:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-27-09, 07:56 PM
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farah Fawcett.



Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi.



Thank you.



:usmc:

Zebra29er
11-27-09, 09:02 PM
BRITISH HUMOR


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b i t c h out the window.

Marine1955
11-28-09, 06:40 PM
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farah Fawcett.



Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi.



Thank you.




:usmc:


My favorite politicians also I second that!!! Now what was his address for the grimp Reaper.

Marine1955
11-29-09, 10:13 AM
<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.2pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.2pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.2pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.2pt" width="100%">





Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born

without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family

was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little

Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the

baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of

his life when they came back home.



Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in

the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you,

Little Johnnie.



Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"



"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have 20/20 vision."



"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f**ked if he needed

glasses".





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Ed Palmer
11-30-09, 08:08 AM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


http://i48.tinypic.com/f4fgjo.jpg

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


http://i46.tinypic.com/2zh2lps.jpg

http://i50.tinypic.com/2cn8oqv.gif

Ed Palmer
11-30-09, 08:43 AM
http://i48.tinypic.com/o6i2s0.jpg
Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sibling hits you, don't hit them back, they always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 2 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 10 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . Having a driver's license.

At age 21 success is . . . Being legal to drink but knowing when to stop.
At age 35 success is . . . Having a Home & a little money.

At age 40 success is . . . Still having the same friends.
At age 50 success is . . . Having a Honey..for keeps this time.
At age 70 success is . . . Still having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Still having the Honey...& being able

to still "do It." ..& remembering how.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

After 80...everything is a success!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Have a wonderful day with many! *smiles*



Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked. Woo-hoo!

Marine1955
11-30-09, 10:10 AM
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Ed Palmer
11-30-09, 03:37 PM
The hunting dog

In the Blue Ridge Mountains , there was a retired sailor who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief"

Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old sailor said good hunting dog,...gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed and three days later came back with the limit.

The next year they came back. "Chief" got better, gonna cost you $75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit.

The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. The old sailor replied, "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00!!"

The bewildered Admirals asked, "But we don't understand, what happened to him?"

"Well, a crew from the Navy base in Norfolk came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him Master Chief, and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever since..."

Captain Kirk
11-30-09, 03:43 PM
:bunny:Now that stuff is funny. I resemble that.:bunny:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-30-09, 04:32 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>


<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage2.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>


<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage3.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage3.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-30-09, 04:34 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage4.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage4.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>


<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage5.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage5.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>



<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage6.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage6.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-30-09, 04:37 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage7.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage7.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>



<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage8.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage8.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage9.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage9.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-30-09, 04:38 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage10.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage10.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>



<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage12.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage12.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>



<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage13.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage13.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-30-09, 04:40 PM
<a href="http://s714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/?action=view&current=NewImage11.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i714.photobucket.com/albums/ww143/stumpjumper2009/NewImage11.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>



:flag:

Zebra29er
11-30-09, 07:56 PM
Parrot



A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.



The owner looked at her and said,

'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used

to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes

it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'







The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.



She took it home and hung the bird's cage
up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked
around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'



When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the
bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'



The girls and the woman were a bit offended,

but then began to laugh about the situation considering

how and where the parrot had been raised.



Moments later, the woman's husband Keith

came home from work.



The bird looked at him and said,

V
V
V
V

V


V










'Hi



Keith'

Zebra29er
11-30-09, 07:59 PM
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


See, men just don't listen !

Ed Palmer
12-01-09, 09:15 AM
http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/6582/lauramichelle.jpg

oldtop
12-01-09, 10:57 AM
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I'm always crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1—MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato, amusing kick
Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor; very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank)—Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2— AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork; slight jalapeno tang
Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3—FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili; great kick
Judge # 2—A bit salty; good use of peppers
Judge # 3—Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4—BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice; disappointing
Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans; good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili
Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300-pound woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5—LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili; cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick; very impressive
Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato; must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement
Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6—VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili; good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2—The best yet! Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic; superb
Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore; I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7—SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers
Judge # 2—Ho hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment

**I should make note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1—The perfect ending; this is a nice blend chili; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili; neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it; poor feller. Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3—No Report

=

awbrown1462
12-01-09, 12:30 PM
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/uc/20091201/largeimagejd091201.gif

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-01-09, 08:08 PM
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. (etc., etc., etc.).

=


LMAO

I could go for a couple of servings of that stuff (been craving Chili since I had 7 pints of blood, from an unknown source, pumped into me).


Semper Fi


:flag:

Ed Palmer
12-02-09, 10:37 AM
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e225/FreedaPeeple/FunWithServants.jpg

Marine1955
12-03-09, 01:12 PM
CLICK ON HOUSE
and please don't ask me how this whttp://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f94105%5fALJ4%2fNgAAAhjSxgKywkF%2f gDnxDU&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf)orks because I really don't know.

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-04-09, 08:12 PM
Roy, who was an Undertaker, came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife."

"I had a terrible day," replies Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"

Roy : "Wrong room."



:flag:

Zebra29er
12-07-09, 08:48 PM
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Ed Palmer
12-08-09, 08:23 AM
Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me.

He has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American,

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog…

And Obama was a tree.

Ed Palmer
12-09-09, 06:07 PM
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away
from the church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On another wall is
a dazzling array of fine cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in.


"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession. And I must say, the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be."


The priest replies: "Get out! You're on my side.

Ed Palmer
12-10-09, 06:57 AM
The Test of Three



In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not.. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

Ed Palmer
12-11-09, 08:23 AM
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if Military
actions against Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut
off America's supply of muslims for Convenience Store owners and
possibly Motel 6 Managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient
results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer
Service Reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more
candidates for President of the United States!

It's gonna get ugly!

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-11-09, 03:46 PM
Wish I could think so quickly. . . .

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.



:flag:

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-13-09, 10:10 AM
Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen Very, very closely..... .






' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?



:usmc:

Marine1955
12-13-09, 09:01 PM
Little Johnny wanted $100..00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
nothing happened .

Then

he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,

they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send
the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money

to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write
a thank-you

note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for

some reason you sent it through

Washington D.C. and

that F*cker Obama took $95.00 in taxes.

Ed Palmer
12-14-09, 08:38 AM
http://www.dailystab.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/advice.jpg

Ed Palmer
12-14-09, 01:43 PM
HAVE YOU HEARD? Why I Like Retirement
Number of days in a week: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Bedtime: Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Biggest gripe: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Benefit of being called a senior: The term comes with a 10% discount.
What is considered formal attire: Tied shoes.
Why do retirees count pennies: They are the only ones who have the time.
Common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire: NUTS!
Reason retirees are so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
What retirees call a long lunch: Normal .
Best way to describe retirement: The never ending Coffee Break.
Biggest advantage of going back to school: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
What do retirees do all week: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday they rest.
Why doing nothing is hard work: You never know when you're done

Marine1955
12-14-09, 07:15 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiYuQkG_rZA

firedog974
12-14-09, 08:41 PM
The best joke I have heard in a while:
A guy who was speaking at a church function I recently attended said "Remember, when you think YOU have got it bad, just try to remember: There IS a Mr. Pelosi!"

Ed Palmer
12-15-09, 09:39 AM
Doing Dishes






Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

oscrmyr
12-15-09, 11:05 AM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year.
The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these biotches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Zebra29er
12-16-09, 12:48 PM
http://sitelife.floridatoday.com/ver1.0/Content/images/store/4/8/3418f6e7-159e-409b-b877-969cc01e9cab.Medium.jpg (http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/#)





1) Did you fart? ...cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? .....cuz ya sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? ...cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? ...cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

USMCM38A1
12-16-09, 04:25 PM
Marine F18 flying in Iraqui air space gets radio message attention aircraft identify yourself.This is Marine f18 how may I help you ?You are flying in Iranian air space if you continue you will be engaged.No sir I am in Iraqui Air space .Marine pilot leave or you will be engaged .Send them on up I'll wait for them says the Marine .The radio went silent never to be heard from again .I thought so said Marine pilot.OOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrraaaaah

Ed Palmer
12-16-09, 04:57 PM
BE WARNED
There's another DVD scam on the go.
The Tiger Woods DVD 'My Favourite 18 Holes' is actually about golf.
Damn waste of money...

Ed Palmer
12-16-09, 06:09 PM
<object width="425" height="349"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Dy_xp4IP4sE&rel=0&border=1&color1=0xe1600f&color2=0xfebd01&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Dy_xp4IP4sE&rel=0&border=1&color1=0xe1600f&color2=0xfebd01&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="349"></embed></object>

Big Jim
12-16-09, 09:49 PM
THIS CAME TO ME IN AN EMAIL FROM A FRIEND....

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly!!

Marine1955
12-17-09, 08:29 PM
<SCRIPT type=text/javascript defer>var YAHOO = {'Shortcuts' : {}};if (typeof YAHOO == "undefined") { var YAHOO = {};}YAHOO.Shortcuts = YAHOO.Shortcuts || {};YAHOO.Shortcuts.hasSensitiveText = true;YAHOO.Shortcuts.sensitivityType = ["adult"];YAHOO.Shortcuts.doUlt = false;YAHOO.Shortcuts.location = "us";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_id = 0;YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_type = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_title = "Call for Donations, Please";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_publish_date = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_author = "hendrysac@msn.com";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_url = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_tags = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_language = "english";YAHOO.Shortcuts.annotationSet = {};YAHOO.Shortcuts.headerID = "e2459278fbfe3603e84e1f37082e0fbc";</SCRIPT><STYLE></STYLE><LINK rel=stylesheet type=text/css href="http://d.yimg.com/jq/css/contextual_shortcuts.css" media=all><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="50%">Call for Donations, Please </TD><TD width="50%" align=right></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2><HR>I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.

I told them to kiss my ass!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes ain't starving!!
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Marine1955
12-18-09, 03:02 PM
HOW IS NORMA?
............. This is hilarious !!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number
of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."


After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I

have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you.
That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your

daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

TRUE STORY

Marine1955
12-18-09, 03:09 PM
"99 Is An Important Number"

<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The guy obeys and says, "99"!

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, '99'. "

Again, the guy says, "99"!

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The guy begins: "One ......... Two ........ Three........http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b000001b7/08




</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Marine1955
12-18-09, 03:12 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu6JcSOvtUY

3522
12-18-09, 03:27 PM
Don't know if someone's already posted this, but, it's a pretty funny game, at poor Tiger's expense: http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html :bunny:

Marine1955
12-19-09, 01:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z92HZpSps60

Marine1955
12-20-09, 11:04 AM
A cow suddenly jumps out into the road in front of Nancy Pelosi'sLimo, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

“You were driving. Go and tell the farmer,” says Nancy .

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

“My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

“What on earth did you say?” asks Nancy . “I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.’”

Marine1955
12-20-09, 12:09 PM
YouTube - Joe Conklin - Tiger Woods Mistresses (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA1XERr6_bo&feature=youtube_gdata)

Ed Palmer
12-20-09, 12:27 PM
http://www.badideatshirts.com/images/products/NEW7/CAT-EAT.gif

Marine1955
12-20-09, 02:48 PM
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/animals/Puppy_Poops_On_Live_Tv/

kenrobg30
12-20-09, 04:59 PM
<script type="text/javascript" defer="defer">var YAHOO = {'Shortcuts' : {}};if (typeof YAHOO == "undefined") { var YAHOO = {};}YAHOO.Shortcuts = YAHOO.Shortcuts || {};YAHOO.Shortcuts.hasSensitiveText = true;YAHOO.Shortcuts.sensitivityType = ["adult"];YAHOO.Shortcuts.doUlt = false;YAHOO.Shortcuts.location = "us";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_id = 0;YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_type = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_title = "Call for Donations, Please";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_publish_date = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_author = "hendrysac@msn.com";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_url = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_tags = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_language = "english";YAHOO.Shortcuts.annotationSet = {};YAHOO.Shortcuts.headerID = "e2459278fbfe3603e84e1f37082e0fbc";</script><style></style><link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="http://d.yimg.com/jq/css/contextual_shortcuts.css" media="all"><table width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td width="50%">Call for Donations, Please </td><td width="50%" align="right">
</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2"><hr>I just had a call asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world.

I told them to kiss my ass!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes ain't starving!!
</td></tr></tbody></table>

Finally, something to laugh about today! :banana: Thank you, S/F ken

firedog974
12-21-09, 02:45 PM
Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days
before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him
he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what
can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting
there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Gosh man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in
my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and
said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose
pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you
want."

So, Here I am.

Marine1955
12-22-09, 11:47 AM
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”


He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.


The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”


The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”


After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”


The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”

Marine1955
12-22-09, 12:01 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1z2aTcumlY

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
12-24-09, 10:19 AM
Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die.

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan



:usmc:

Ed Palmer
12-29-09, 10:56 AM
Apparently both murderers AND terrorists hang out in “exclusive” PlacesWho knew?





http://i45.tinypic.com/33vzyif.jpghttp://i47.tinypic.com/2hyhyxs.jpg

ggyoung
12-29-09, 01:22 PM
You got that right.

mcvet57103
12-30-09, 01:02 PM
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_comic/84.logo.large.gif
http://c0389161.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/dyn/str_strip/304068.full.gif (http://comics.com/state_of_the_union/2009-12-21/)

Ed Palmer
01-03-10, 11:14 AM
Who is really your friend

The easy way to find out is lock your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour,go and let them out and see which one is really happy to see you ,
And which is wanting to kill you.

Ed Palmer
01-03-10, 11:37 AM
http://daveweinbaum.com/sitebuilder/images/oops-307x400.jpg

Marine1955
01-05-10, 06:15 PM
Baptizing A Drunk
> > > A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
> > > preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
> > > bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by
> > > the smell of booze.. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find
> > > Jesus?'
> > > 'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the
> > > river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
> > > The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
> > > dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him
> > > out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
> > > The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.' By this time the
> > > preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but
> > > this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
> > > When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
> > > The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found
> > > Jesus?'
> > > The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
> > > 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Ed Palmer
01-08-10, 07:17 AM
An 86 year old man, who had been married to the same woman for 55 years, awoke one morning and noticed a strange sensation.
Upon further investigation, he realized that he had an erection, not unlike the ones he experienced when he first got married.

He immediately set out to show his wife his new-found marvel. Upon seeing her husband's curiosity, she responded with, "Not now honey. I've got a splitting headache."

After recovering from her ego damping response, he went to the hall closet and began putting on his coat and gloves. His wife frowned a little and said, “Where do you think you’re going?”

And Norman said, “I’m going to the airport and walk through the security scanner. I want everyone to see this.”

Marine1955
01-09-10, 12:34 AM
A woman went to her doctor for advice.


She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.


'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do. ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No.. I rather like it. ''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.


The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think Democrats come from?'

Marine1955
01-09-10, 10:50 AM
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.



The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.



When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand-print on his cheek.



No one speaks.




The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.




The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.




Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.




George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

Phantom Blooper
01-10-10, 08:08 AM
A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.
While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...

The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.

After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...

She decked him!


He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'

'Duh,' said the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

Zebra29er
01-10-10, 07:06 PM
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big ones and who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me on fishing and drinking trips. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit

ameriken
01-12-10, 10:39 AM
<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of these children yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I wish I could think so quickly.








</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Marine1955
01-13-10, 01:46 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEP7uti0PDw

OleDoc
01-13-10, 02:04 PM
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits... It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.



So do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?
get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.



He's still in intensive care.


<O:p</O:p


The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there'.

Phantom Blooper
01-13-10, 07:44 PM
A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey biotch".:evilgrin:

Marine1955
01-15-10, 01:01 PM
You can always count on our Down-Under friends to speak from the heart and tell
it like it is!! Well said Mate.

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the
right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a
local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of
torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from
the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to
get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one
Australian, American or Canadian life, then I have only three things to say,' :


'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'

ameriken
01-16-10, 01:36 PM
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked and disgusted that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

ameriken
01-18-10, 03:38 PM
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the heck does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

Rocky C
01-18-10, 04:10 PM
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the heck does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

HAHAHAHAHA!!!:thumbup:.
That was GREAT!!!

Marine1955
01-18-10, 10:29 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRgEET6Kw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRgEET6Kw)

Ed Palmer
01-19-10, 04:46 PM
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God,It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh."

Have a great day my friends

Captain Kirk
01-19-10, 04:59 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRgEET6Kw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRgEET6Kw)


I'm digging it! :bunny::bunny::bunny:

kenrobg30
01-21-10, 10:30 AM
Best laugh i've had, in a week! S/F!!!! Ken

Bootneck
01-21-10, 01:54 PM
two arab women meet in a supermarket, Mrs Ali says to Mrs Mohammed "Hows little Tariq and Mustafa these days"
Mrs Ali says "Oh they're both dead suicide bombers"
Mrs Mohammed says "I know the blow up early these days don't they"

ameriken
01-24-10, 10:50 PM
A man who was in love with his long-time girlfriend Lorraine started having doubts about that love when he met Claire Lee, a beautiful single woman who just started working at his office.

He found himself falling in love with her too. He considered breaking things off with Lorraine, but he just couldn't do it because he knew he loved her too. He was very confused and unsure what to do.

Then one day, he found out that Lorraine was getting transferred by her employer and she would be moving across the country.

This solved his dilemma and he was no longer confused.

He can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.

EGA1957
01-25-10, 01:41 PM
Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

"You were driving. Go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.

"I just knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'"
<!-- / message -->

Ed Palmer
01-26-10, 09:45 AM
The two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday..
http://i45.tinypic.com/34g53wj.jpg
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Rolex !!
It was very nice of them,......
but I think they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I wanna watch !!"

cball
01-26-10, 10:26 AM
You all have probably heard this but here goes anyway.
A Marine and sailor were in a barber shop getting their hair cut ,and the barber ask the sailor "do you want this smelly stuff on your hair" the sailor said Hell No ,my wife will think I've been in a ***** house.He ask the Marine the same thing and the Marine said sure My wife's never been in a ***** house..

Melancon
01-26-10, 12:16 PM
I'm not sure if this was posted here before but here it goes:

My wife and I were talking about managing our money better. We came to a conclusion that we can't afford to waste money on beer anymore. Then, I caught her spending $60 on make up.

When I asked her about it she said "I need the make up to look pretty for you."

So I told her "Well thats what the beer was for"

I dont think she's coming back.

Ed Palmer
01-28-10, 09:12 AM
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both
die, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit,
ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery,
and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up
dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's
dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable towail, moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy.
What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean dat Massachusetts elected
dat Republican Senator!"

Zebra29er
01-28-10, 07:42 PM
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



THESE REALLY WORK!! They have been checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Ed Palmer
01-30-10, 08:53 AM
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Trevon stood up and yelled:

“FREEZE, MUTHAFUKA!!”
I guess there aren’t many farms in Detroit ...

ameriken
01-31-10, 04:23 AM
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What is your name?" - asked the teacher.

"Mohammed". . . answered the kid.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," -replied the teacher...

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" - asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you! - and she beat him. Then she called his father and he also beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 6 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

ameriken
01-31-10, 04:24 AM
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."~~~~

Marine1955
01-31-10, 06:34 AM
I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Marine1955
01-31-10, 12:04 PM
ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS!





Stay!


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

local shopping center and rolled

Down the car windows to make sure my


Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.







She was stretched full-out on the back seat


And I wanted to impress upon her that she must

remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,




'Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,


Gave me a strange look and said,







'Why don't you just put it in Park?

Ed Palmer
01-31-10, 02:09 PM
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Ed Palmer
01-31-10, 04:16 PM
A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book. The boy noticed that the man had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked the man why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'



The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'


The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'


The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.


The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

Ed Palmer
02-02-10, 08:16 AM
The Love Dress


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on

the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and

the aroma of perfume filled the room.



'What are you doing?' she asked.


'I'm waiting for Don to come home from work,' the

daughter-in-law answered.



'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.


'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.



'Love dress? But you're naked!'



'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It

excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this

dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages

me for hours on end .. He can't get enough of me.'


The mother-in-law left .....

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put

on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a

romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband

to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and

saw her laying there so provocatively.



'What are you doing?' he asked.



'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.



'Needs ironing,' he said. ..... 'What's for dinner?



HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.....

Ed Palmer
02-03-10, 08:22 AM
BEST PICK UP LINE I EVER HEARD ...

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now? "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.

"The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast, again."

Ed Palmer
02-04-10, 02:15 PM
As the plumber said to the housewife who didn’t have
quite enough to pay him and offered to take it in trade,
as he slipped washer after washer over his penis until
only the head was left uncovered, “Honey, you don’t think
you’re going to get it all for only $ 2.75!”



That reminds me of a girl I once met,
she asked me to put both my hands inside her,
when I finally managed to do that she said,
“Now clap your hands.”
I said,”I can’t.”
Then she said, “Tight little jewel isn’t it!”

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
02-04-10, 07:24 PM
A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies.

Every time he sees a fly he utters, "f**king flies, f**king flies."

Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bullsh*t."

"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.

The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a Nun, Balls on a Priest, and these f**king flies."



:flag:

Ed Palmer
02-05-10, 08:41 AM
How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work,
He sues the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family sues the Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He sues the bartender.

If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners, You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
sues the airline.

I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

Ed Palmer
02-08-10, 08:46 AM
The quote of the decade!


Judge Judy to prostitute: 'So when did you realize you were raped? '

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced..'

Ed Palmer
02-08-10, 08:49 AM
Nordakota


Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.

When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.

Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts..

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

Marine1955
02-09-10, 05:31 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGerK1t3Deo

Marine1955
02-09-10, 07:16 PM
Damn hippies <HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #000000; COLOR: #000000" SIZE=1>A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:


"Can we have sex?"


"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:


"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her."

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

thedrifter
02-10-10, 04:56 AM
The Gunny


In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired Marine who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Gunny."



Three Marine Generals went up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old Marine said, "He's a real good huntin' dog. Gonna cost ya $50 a day."



They agreed and three days later came back with their limit.

The next year they came back. "'Gunny got better," the old fellow said, "this year I'm gonna charge you $75 a day."

Again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with their limit.

The third year they came back and told the old Marine they had to have "Gunny" even if it cost $100 a day.

The old Marine spat and angrily replied, "You can have the worthless mutt for $5 a day, and even at that rate I'm overcharging you $4 !!"



The bewildered Generals asked, "But we don't understand, what happened to him?"



"Well, a bunch of new Lieutenants from Quantico came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him 'Sergeant Major' by mistake, and now all the SOB does is sit on his ass all day and bark!"

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
02-10-10, 07:47 PM
Reunions


A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.



:flag:

awbrown1462
02-11-10, 12:55 PM
http://d.yimg.com/a/p/umedia/20100211/largeimage.119687c5a8bb45919e58807109e1881d.gif

Ed Palmer
02-12-10, 11:41 AM
A preacher with a sense of humor

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