Chuckles of the Day...

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer.' The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

:flag:

[W L Farmer]

Ironic Humor: Stimulus / Crapulus Bill
Wednesday 02-04-2009 8:13am MT
Here's a funny to get your week started or cause you to enter a great emotional depression - whichever suits you!

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.

This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

[marine1955]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

[W L Farmer]

Oldie but a Goodie
*********************************************
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident..

In court , the trucking company's hot- shot
attorney was questioning Seamus..

' Didn' t you say to the Police at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine? ' asked the
attorney..

Seamus responded: ' Well, I'll tell you what
happened. . I had just loaded my favorite
cow, Bessie, into the. . . ...'

'I didn' t ask for any details', attorney inter rupted.. ' Just answer the question. .Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine! '?'

Seamus said, ' Well, I had just got Bessie
into the trailer and I was driving down the road'

The attorney interrupted again and said,
' Your Honor , I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the police on the scene that
he was fine. . Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my
client.. I believe he is a fraud .. Please
tell him to simply answer the question..

By this time, the Judge was fairly
interested in Seamus' answer and
said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite
cow, Bessie'..


Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. .
' Well as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favor ite cow, into the trailer
and was driving her down the road when
this huge truck and trailer came through
a stop sign and hit my trail er right in the
side. .

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other .. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn' t want to move. . However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. . I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans..

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on
a motor bike turned up.. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. . After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. .


http://a489.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/115/m_b6c31a6a338f51ca89f7d6c1c9c7d660.gif
Then the policeman came across the road,
gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the HELL would you say?

[W L Farmer]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called.........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss: the Pope expects you to kiss only his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning: One brilliant
flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.



http://by105w.bay105.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.224.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3de5c50a01-c3e9-42f7-8659-9561622ed89d.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dSW1hZ2UuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3d False%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a3.3328959203%2540web65512 .mail.ac4.yahoo.com&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.205&d=d2977&mf=160&a=01_b7801b19e1c5b61107b32e669e5b209c900bd169e596f 2d0a00b4bc07d1577a8











6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes.
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.









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8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.


9 My next house will have no kitchen -- just
vending machines and a large trash can.







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10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'


11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.

[thedrifter]

Artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.


They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker ..

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- ICan't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---

On the Commode Again

[marine1955]

YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD

Every day, a male co-worker walks up
very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales
a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel
department and states that she wants to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources
supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's
Keith, the midget."

[DocGreek]

6852 HOW DO I ENLARGE THIS??

[Zebra29er]

6852 HOW DO I ENLARGE THIS??

Thats what she asked me " How Do You Enlarge That "

Doc if you are using Photo Bucket set it for a 15" screen and try it

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

YOU JUST GO TO LOVE THE BRITISH AT TIMES!!!!


The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired" She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window!

:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Warning: Do not have food and or drinks near you when you read this, in order not to choke on it or exhaust some or all of it onto your computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical !

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.
And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding..
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!


Why is it that only the women laugh at this ?

:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want? '

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,'the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says.'I just want to ask ye,how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash,I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

:usmc:

[thedrifter]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[thedrifter]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says the man.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘Yes, she has,’ says the man.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re getting new countertops”

[SlingerDun]

24. You should always point the lashed together catapult away from the neighbor’s house before you shoot the 16-pound bowling ballCub Scouts huh? sounds alot funner than a Zebco and compass course

[muck]

Sarah Palin is so gracious!

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party.
Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election
campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men
who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose
hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in
their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back
to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and
daughters.

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

Go Sarah!!!!

[azLobo]

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><ST1:pAlberta</ST1:p</st1:State>, and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.’
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.
No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the RCMP
officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get “horned” before he reaches safety..
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

[Zebra29er]

Young Chuck in Montana bought a
horse from a farmer for $100. The

farmer agreed to deliver the horse

the next day. The next day he drove

up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have

some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give

me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I

went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me

the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna

do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle

off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me.

I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up

with Chuck and asked, 'What

happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold

500 tickets at two dollars a piece

and made a profit of $998..'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone

complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for

the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

[exnitro]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize that you need to pass some gas.

Since you're hearing some really loud music being played, you decide to time your release with the beat.

Having expelled a lot of gas after a couple of songs, and approaching your stop, you're feeling a lot better.

Walking to the front of the bus, everyone is staring at you.

That's when you realize you've been listening to your IPod :D

[thedrifter]

IRS audits Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Zebra29er]

http://xs536.xs.to/xs536/09084/2055542682.jpg (http://xs.to)

[thedrifter]

New Bumper Sticker

[mcvet57103]

New Bumper Sticker:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

[thedrifter]

Dilbert

Adams's hit the nail on the head.

http://www.dilbert.com/2009-02-25/

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

The love story of Ralph and Edna...


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend..

Done my part!!!

:flag:

[ameriken]

I dedicate this to Barack Obama and all who voted for him :D

----------------------------------------------------------------
A man dies and meets up with the Devil.

"You have a choice" says the Devil "to go to Heaven, or come down to Hell with me".

The man replies "No, no Hell for me, I already know I want to go to Heaven."

"Don't rush your decision" the Devil insists. "I'll give you a preview of what you can expect, then you have the night to sleep on it and tomorrow you can let me know where you want to go."

The man agrees.

So, the Devil takes the man to an elevator, and up up up they go to Heaven. They arrive at a beautiful tropical paradise where everyone is at peace with nature and the animals, and the ocean gently laps at the shore, and the beach is lined with brilliant, sweet aromatic flowers. It is better than ever seen on a postcard, and the man is nearly mesmerized by this wondrous scene.

"I knew it" says the man, "I knew it would be this beautiful, this is where I want to go".

"No, not yet" answered the Devil. "You have yet to see Hell, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

So, down down down they go. And down down down even more. The doors open.

"Welcome to Hell" exclaims the Devil.

And the man is greeted with a huge, beautifully manicured golf course, with pristeen greens, quiet ponds, and huge green trees along the fairways.

"Come with me" says the Devil as he takes the man to a brand new clubhouse with a huge deck loaded with friendly, happy people. There's a huge barbecue with the best steaks, drinks, a live band, and lots more. Everyone is dancing, drinking, and having a blast. It is the cool of the evening, and the sun is setting. The ladies are some of the most gorgeous women he's ever seen.

The Devil offers the man a big fat Cuban cigar. "We're just beginning, this will go on all night. Tomorrow, all this could be yours. In fact, tomorrow, I personally invite you to 18 holes with me. You'll love this course. We'll even have a set of custom clubs made up for you in the morning".

The man is overly impressed, this is certainly not the Hell he had heard about. So, the Devil takes the man back to the elevator, and back up up up they go to where they started.

The Devil leaves the man and reminds him "I will see you in the morning, and you can let me know your decision".

So, the next morning the Devil comes back up and wakes the man. "Have you made your decision"?

The man replies "I tell you, Heaven sure looks nice. I mean that beautiful beach, it is so peaceful and wondrous. But, Hell....now that is more of what I am accustomed to. I mean what a great course that is, I just cant wait to tee off. That Cuban was the best I've ever had and all those people were so happy and friendly. And those women...nudge nudge wink wink. I tell you Mr Satan, I'm coming down with you!"

"Are you absolutely sure? Once you decide, you cant turn back" asks the Devil.

"Absolutely" replies the man. "I'm sold on Hell...I'm with you pal!!"

So, they get in the elevator, and down down down down down they go.

The door opens, and as the doors slide open, the mans view is filled with a huge, endless lake of bubbling lava that stretches for miles and miles in all direction. The putrid gaseous fumes of sulphur sear his nose. Then his jaw drops as he sees thousands and thousands of people in the lake screaming endlessly for water.

"Welcome to Hell" grins the devil!

The man replies, "B...b...b...but this cant be so. What happened to the golf course, where's the clubhouse? And what about our 18 holes? Those gorgeous babes? I...I...I don't understand!?!"

"Oh, that's easy", smirked the Devil. "Yesterday I was campaigning. Today you voted".

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Wal-Mart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................


'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

It's getting to be that time of the year when the Easter Bunny pays a visit to all of the little children, however there are imposters roaming the country that you should warn the kids about.

Some of you may have seen this "warning" video before, but it is always a good idea to send reminders to family and friends.

I am including the link to YouTube in order to assist in this mission.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcrg0B_yJAo

:flag:

[W L Farmer]

The Bailout Mascot

http://by105w.bay105.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.224.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3da06c8b06-5726-4cbb-aa43-7e59ca9bedae.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMDIxLmpwZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d 0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a20892DC234334 1ECAE88BEFBD532C3A1%2540JohnPC&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.205&d=d2977&mf=160&a=01_b7801b19e1c5b61107b32e669e5b209c900bd169e596f 2d0a00b4bc07d1577a8

[W L Farmer]

Denny's has a new special called the Octuplet.
You get 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay.

[thedrifter]

Hello!

http://doglickingscreen.com/

[thedrifter]

http://i479.photobucket.com/albums/rr160/Irishpennant/Misc/Haz_1_WEB.jpg

[thedrifter]

Marines

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Marine is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them".

[muck]

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives,socialists,Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a Divorce.

I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.


Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

· Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

· After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

· We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

· You are welcome to the liberal judges and t he ACLU.

· Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

· You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

· We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

· You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens.

· We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

· We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

· You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

· You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

· When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

· We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

· You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain.

· You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

· We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars.

· You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

· You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

· We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

· We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem.

· I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

· We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.

· Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree,just hit delete.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.



Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

[thedrifter]

How To Tell If You're An Extreme Redneck.....

It's time to lighten up a bit and take a break from the stress of reality for a bit and laugh.

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[thedrifter]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?





Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

[Ed Palmer]

One very dark and stormy night a travelling salesman was driving along a country road. The rain was so heavy he could hardly see two feet in front of him. He decided that he should stop for the night but didn't know where. Just then he saw a faint light in the distance and headed toward it. It was a big old country house and the lights were on.

"This is great!" he thought and, mustering up the courage, opened the car door and ran for the house. He knocked hard on the front door. An elderly lady answered with her left breast hanging out and she was rubbing it. Shocked the man ventured a look in and saw an equally elderly man walking down the stairs holding and umbrella and masturbating furiously. He thought that this was a little too weird even for him and ran back to the car.

A couple of miles down the road he was lucky enough to see another light and thought that his luck may be better here. He stopped the car, worked up his courage and ran for the front door. He knocked and waited. An old man answered the door.

"Excuse me but I'm worried about driving in this storm and was hoping you could put me up just for the night," he explained. The old man was sympathetic "Normally I would but I've got all my relatives staying with me from the city. But about two miles back down the road is an elderly couple with plenty of room".

"I've been there" said the salesman "And they are really strange.

She has her left breast out rubbing it and he is holding an umbrella and masturbating."

"Oh don't worry about that" the old man explained, "They're deaf and dumb. She's telling him to go milk the cows and he's telling her to get stuffed, it's raining."

[muck]

From the Book of Democrat
23rd Solemn


OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THRU THE VALLEY

OF THE BREAD LINE I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL

FOL LOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME

WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,

I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG

AND OBAMA A TREE.

“It's called trickle up poverty”

or is it “Socialism” ?

and remember to pay your taxes

Nancy Pelosi needs that money

for her 12 Million Illegals.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

[Phantom Blooper]

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'


One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling azz-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well.

Only two left.'

:evilgrin:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder all these politicians support bills to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know...

:iwo:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Remember and laugh...


VERY FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER


Hollywood Squares:

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.

These great questions and answers are from the days when'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What
are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

:usmc:

[thedrifter]

Making Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[thedrifter]

Golf Trivia Challenge


Take the Test And See How Well You Do

Play Here

http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm

[ameriken]

Frustrated over the many withdrawals from cabinet nominations, nominees with tax problems, and an inept Tim Geithner, Barack Obama decides it's time to make a difficult phone call.

George Bush's telephone rings at home, and it's Obama asking to meet in private.

They meet at an undisclosed location. Barack asks George, "Look George, despite what I say about your administration, you obviously didnt have the kind of problems choosing your cabinet that I'm having. I feel like I've got a bunch of idiots here. You at least had a group of people you felt you could trust. How did you do it?"

Bush answers, "Well, you've got to have smart people. You've got to test their intelligence before you pick them. If they pass the test, then and only then do you nominate them".

Obama thinks for a minute and asks, "Uh, I'm uh, not sure I'm following you."

So Bush says, "Here, watch this", and takes out his cell phone, puts on calls Dick Cheney. Cheney answers, he and Bush chit chat for a minute, and then Bush puts on the speaker so Obama can listen. Bush asks Cheney, "Dick, I got a question for ya. Who is your mothers child who is not any of your brothers, and not any of your sisters?". There is silence on the phone as Cheney thinks for a minute. Then he answers "Well, George, that obviously would be me".

Bush thanks Cheney, ends the call, and then tells Obama, "There you have it. Just test your nominees. Ask them questions, riddles, see how they respond, see if they figure things out. You'll know by their answers who will be a good pick".

Upon returning to the White House, Obama decides to try Bush's method. So, he calls for Joe Biden. Biden arrives at the Oval Office, "Yes Mr. President?"

"Hey Joe, I've been doing some thinking. I've got a serious question for you, so please take your time before answering."

A puzzled Joe Biden obliges. "Ok Mr President. Shoot....."

Obama proceeds with the question, "Uh, who is your mothers child, who is, uh, not any of your brothers, and not, uh, any of your sisters?"

Biden goes into deep thought and a dead silence for a couple of minutes. But he's confused and comes up dry. "Well Mr President, can you give me some time to think about this? Can I get back to you later today with the answer"?

Obama agrees and Biden takes off.

Biden searches the White House and he finds Rahm Emanuel. He pulls him aside. Biden looks around to make sure no one else is watching or listening, and almost in a whisper he asks, "Hey Rahm, got a question for ya. Who would be your mothers child who is not any of your brothers and not any of your sisters?"

Rahm Emanuel thinks for a moment, appears to do some mental calculating and figuring, and then responds to Biden with his answer, "Well Mr Vice President, that would obviously be me".

Joe thanks him, but is still confused. He goes back to his office. He is stumped. He takes his time, thinks, scribbles notes on his paper and thinks some more. Then suddenly, the light goes on. "I've got it", he mumbles to himself. He hurries back to the Oval Office. "Mr President, I've figured it out, I've got the answer for you!"

"Well, uh, what did you, uh, figure out Joe?" asks Obama.

"Sir, my mothers child who is not any of my brothers, and not any of my sisters? Well, that would be Rahm Emanuel!!!"



Obama, frustrated at Bidens stupidity replies,




"No you idiot. It's Dick Cheney"

[thedrifter]

Amazing Beer Bottle Dominoes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QSU8wXDkcg

Psychostick - BEER!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-jOEAufDQ4&feature=related

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.zappinternet.com/video/qunRfoNxiL/Italian-hour-joke

[Ed Palmer]

Ordering Pizza in the Future

http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS


:flag:

[thedrifter]

Welcome To The Hiney Winery

The Hiney Winery was established in 1979 by Uncle Harry Hiney. He had the idea of putting his Hiney in a flip top disposable can. Family friends convinced him that his Hiney was too good to keep to himself so they bought the warehouse behind the library and the rest is history. Since that time people all over the area have been enjoying Hiney Wine.

The tradition is being kept alive by Harry’s two nephews, Big Red and Thor, who refuse to put their name on their Hiney until its perfect. That way you know that anytime you wrap your hands around an ice cold Hiney, it’s going to be the best Hiney you’ve ever had. The entire family is proud of their Hiney. Big Red, Thor, Ophelia, Humphrey, Selma, Ima, Rosey, Anita, Seymore, Lucie and Thor’s wife, Oma Aiken-Hiney are just a few of the Hineys that are part of the crack inspection team that checks every can for quality. Quality assurance and customer care ensures you that you are getting the best Hiney money can buy.

Next time you go shopping, ask your grocer where he keeps his Hiney. The motto of the HINEY WINERY says it all, “You only go around once in life, so grab for all the Hiney you can get”. hiney wine


Amazing FUNNY TV Commercial - Hiney Wine - Best Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu74hcSDyYQ

[thedrifter]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ?


On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California.. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

:flag:

[Phantom Blooper]

The Elderly Priest & The Young Priest

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of
youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or
go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

[Phantom Blooper]

A lady went into the pro shop after finishing her round of golf. The pro asked "how did your round go?" "Not good," the lady said. "A bee stung me between the first and second hole." The pro responded, "your stance is too wide." :evilgrin:

[Phantom Blooper]

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."


The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "


"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"She thought she was having her picture taken !" :banana:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies...



Wait for it...



It's coming...



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



She says:

You just happened to catch my eye.



(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)


:flag:

[thedrifter]

Gun Safety

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWuXbTpwL8U

[marine1955]

good day gone to bad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV6_7otLBRE

[thedrifter]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR “EDUCATED MINDS”

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir
Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi .

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23 1/2. When cannibals ate a clown they said it tasted funny.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

25. Psycho rapist runs away from crime-—Nut, screws and bolts.

[thedrifter]

Two contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago , and the other is from Texas .

The Texas contractor does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, $2,700.

The official, incredulous, says, You didn’t even measure like the other guy!

How did you come up with such a high figure?

The Chicago contractor whispers back, $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas to fix the fence.

Done! replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[thedrifter]

PSALM 2009-2012: FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT :

OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICANS

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE, I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.

OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER IN A RENTED HOME.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE.

‘A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.’
-Thomas Jefferson -

[thedrifter]

Bill Clinton dies and, given the life he led, ends up in Hell. But Satan takes pity on him and says, “Sucks to be you, but I’ll tell you what. You can have your choice of three different ways to spend eternity here.” Satan points him toward three doors and tells him that behind each door is a different hellish alternative. Clinton first goes for the one on the left (surprise, surprise)... he opens it and is horrified to see a vast sea of boiling oil... sinners are thrashing about, howling in agony. He slams it shut and cries, “Holy crap, Mr. Devil, sir, that’s horrible, I can’t take that nohow!” Next he turns to the one in the middle (yep, that’s our Bill!)... he opens it, and gazes out into a vast frozen wasteland... the damned are naked and shivering... they can’t even scream, it’s so cold... their limbs are breaking and falling off. Bill closes the door and turns to face Satan, white as a sheet. “Oh holy cats, Satan, this next one better be alright, cuz there’s no way I can take that.” Heaving a fearful sigh, he opens the third door. He squints down a staircase into a murky dungeon. He can make out the naked figure of a man chained to a wall, spread-eagle and buck-naked. It... it’s Kenneth Starr! And down on her knees in front of him, doing her thing, is Monica Lewinsky! Clinton turns back to Sstan, overjoyed. “Ah, man, Devil, ole buddy, I done hit the jackpot! Got me some of that goodness in life and that’s JUST how I want to spend eternity!” Satan nods to Clinton and smiles, then steps to the head of the stairs and calls down, “Miss Lewinsky, your replacement has arrived!”

[thedrifter]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost
fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later, she was able to regain
her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Sam replied.

Things went downhill from there.

[Zebra29er]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.

It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?

What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.

"He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm Over Here, On Your Swing."

[Zebra29er]

"TOWEL HEADS/RAG HEADS"

Recently it's been said that the use of these term is politically incorrect, so please, we all need to be more sensitive and accurate in our choice of words.

The Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Rag Heads” or” Towel Heads", since the item they wear on their heads is not a rag or a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as:

"Little Sheet Heads."

Thanks for your support and compliance on this matter.

And, God Bless America.

[Zebra29er]

Best Dear John Letter Ever

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a
"Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It
read as follows:

Dear John , I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is just to great. I must admit
that I have cheated on you
twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of
me that I sent to you. Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow
Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their
girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends,
aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, John included all
the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected
from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that
envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember
who you are. Please take your picture from the pile,
and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
John

[Zebra29er]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Zebra29er]

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Moral: Make sure stories match!!


:flag:

[muck]

Sorry Ladies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&feature=related

[thedrifter]

The Pastor's A$$

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild..

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

[Ed Palmer]

ITS TUFF GETTING OLD





Getting old is hell!

An elderly fellow goes for his annual physical with his wife tagging along.

The doctor tells him, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

Being hard-of-hearing, he turns to his wife and asks, "What the hell did he say?"

She yells,"Give him your underwear"!

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!'

This is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well ... my job is done. Your turn.


:flag:

[kRut]

Back in 1942 as World War Two was heating up and the draft was in full force, I was going to turn 18 three days after I graduated High School. Since we were poor dirt farmers and I was the first in my family to actually graduate from public schools, we didn’t have enough funds to enroll me in college.

Athletic scholarships were unheard of, and besides, my main strength ability was tossing hogs and driving a plow from behind a two mule team.

So a decision was made with a lot of teeth grinding and agonizing over what to do. I finally made up my mind that I would enlist into the military instead of working aimless jobs during the summer waiting for my draft notice. On my 18th birthday, my dad and I rode into town with Mr. Vancroft who lived down the road a way, but he had a model “A” that he managed to have fuel for all the time.

Back then, the military service recruiters set up part time booths at the local town hall, they would do a round robin circuit ride of a region they were assigned to and often were tasked to drive out to a residence to serve a draft notice. A lot of times they were met with a shotgun or some other form of hostile confrontation from well meaning family members. Often the local constabulary or Sheriff would ride shot gun so to speak to maintain the law and order.

Since our family attended the same church as the Sheriff and two of his deputies, we also knew that avoiding a draft notice was not in our best interests within the community.

The military regional liaison knew that my high school was graduating 14 of the finest young boys in the area and had no issue if a 16 or 17 year old pup wandered in with no proof of birth. It was a quota game back then much like it is now, only thing is, now a day, you have to have every type of identification possible and then some. But, all the services were there, Army, Navy and Marines. The Air Force hadn’t been born yet, so no easy out with them.

So we arrived at the town hall building which was a quant squat building that had three small offices in a hall way that lead into the main setting area. These offices were in a row and were about 14 by 10 feet and had a desk and three chairs with a lamp hanging from the ceiling, a door and that was about it.


As we walked in, I still had not made up my mind as to which service I was going to volunteer for. Navy, life at sea, sailing from port to port visiting exotic places and wearing that damned fine cracker-jack outfit that all the school girls raved about. Army, rough tough and in the thick of the fighting, they actually jumped out of planes with a parachute on their backs and lived to tell about it. The Marines, didn’t know to much about that outfit, had some smart looking dress uniforms, but today, the representative for the Marines was wearing a uniform similar to the Army representative, all khaki, shirt, tie and trousers. But the Marine had a gold tie clasp with a funny emblem on it.

I had heard that the Marines were the toughest of the tough. They did a lot of fighting and had to live in the bottom of the ships. They were a part of the Navy and every time I heard something about Marines, it was some sort of trouble. Bad food and a lot of hard ship all piled into one organization. Who would want to be a volunteer for that?

I went into the Navy guys office first which was the nearest to the main hall, my dad and I were welcomed and we sat down to see what we could find out. We were told of grand trips on the finest war fighting ships ever built and exotic ports of visit. Places a hayseed like me would marvel at.

We sat there and nodded and my dad nudged me to say, we’ll think about it. I could see the Navy guy, a Chief I later found out, was getting antsy, but just then Mr. MacDonald with his two boys walked in. I was pretty much of the mind set that the MacDonald boys were destined to be in jail or dead sooner then later. Always in trouble and only 13 months apart in birth, they were the true Katzenheim kids.

When they were younger, I think Mr. MacDonald whipped them at least twice a day for things that were perpetrated by them. When they got older, they got bigger, almost as big as me and Mr. MacDonald was ready to get rid of them as fast as he could.
The Navy accepted them with open arms that day.

Next I went into the Army Representatives office. He told me of adventure, training to do things and all of that with out ever picking up a rifle or being in combat. The support and logistical branches of the Army needed young men to fill the ranks to support the fighting man. I wanted to fight, so he adjusted his sell, you can be a parachutist, be a Ranger, fly in the Army Air Corps and be a gunner or maybe become a Pilot of an ace fighter swooping down out of the clouds. I almost got so excited at his description, I almost hyperventilated.

My dad nudged me, knowing good an well that at 6 foot 1, my chances of flying a fighter plane were pretty low, plus, I’d never seen an airplane in real life, let alone jump out of one. I can remember being up in the loft in our barn and slipped and fell the 14 feet. Scared the life out of me and I really didn’t like heights that much anymore.

I asked him how much the pay was, he stated $50 a month and an extra $10 for jump duty if I qualified. The Navy guy stated that it was also $50 with an added $10 for submarine duty. So if I joined either the Army or Navy and qualified for a special program, I could rake in $60 a month. Our whole family lived off of $70 a month as it was. I could live like a King and send the rest of the money home to help my Dad and Mom.

I had to go outside and get my head clear and Dad followed right behind me. He was saying that the money wasn’t that important and that he just wanted me to be safe and taken care of. I wanted to make sure Dad and Mom had money to pay for the other kids and to have money for themselves. I stated, dad, it is about the money and I can make $60 a month.

Just as I was walking out, I looked at the Marine Representative who was leaning up against the door jamb with arms crossed. He had heard the whole conversation between my dad and me. I looked at him and was taken aback a bit as he had a long scar that ran from his left ear across his cheek to his upper lip. At that same moment he said the only words I heard “Seventy-Five”…wait, the other services paid $50 up front and an extra $10 for some sort of hazardous or hardship thing that I had to qualify for. And here was the Marine Corps with $75 right up front, that was $15 more then if I had to Qualify and $25 if I didn’t.

This was a no brainer, I forgot about the Navy and Army; I signed up and was sworn in shortly there after by the local magistrate. I went home grabbed my clean underwear said my good byes and rode the train to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">Perris Island</st1:City> <st1:State w:st="on">South Carolina</st1:State></ST1:p for 15 hours. Seems funny now, 24 years later I retired a Master Sergeant.

The Marine Representative was a Gunnery Sergeant or what the Marines called a “Gunny”. Sorry son of a b1tch didn’t say “Seventy–Five” meaning $75 in my pocket, he said “Semper Fi”.

Damned Gunnys.<O:p</O:p

[thedrifter]

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Ranger Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection, while the officers consulted SOPs and held sand table exercises.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their camouflage, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Special Forces Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

All members of the team would spend a grueling afternoon at a quality spa ensuring physical abilities would be honed.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in HALO.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room at the best hotel in the area, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.

[thedrifter]

Lego Man Prank Call

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qZy6ARqGC4&feature=channel_page

[thedrifter]

Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc

[marine1955]

this is the best one ever!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJJL5dxgVaM

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.


:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?'

'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again; 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them
or not?'

'Nah', says the little old Jewish man... 'Costs too much...'

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Bracelet at Tiffany's


A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to S*** when I tell you the price!'


:iwo:

[Zebra29er]

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Clarence. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Marie.
When I took "early retirement", it became necessary for Marie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a manager helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do, I like to think that is one of my strong points.


Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need
something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf
bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of her aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Marie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. M any men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Signed,
Clarence

[ EDITOR'S NOTE: Clarence passed away suddenly Thursday, May 26th. He was
found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his
posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Marie was arrested,
but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat
on it, and died! ]

[thedrifter]

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with it?’, you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse’s asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The

engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass. And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses controlled almost everything... and
Today’s Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[ameriken]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'Every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..'

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[thedrifter]

Roy Exum: Crows & Coyotes (Humor)
theChattanoogan.com ^ | April 30, 2009 | Roy Exum



There was an old spinster woman, well known and much beloved by everybody in north central Florida, who lived right up the road from my brother’s farm. One afternoon, about this time of the year, she called my brother because she heard he was a crackerjack hunter and wanted to know if he had a .22-caliber rifle.

“Yessum,” my brother was quick to reply and she told him a great number of crows had decided to settle in a big tree out back of her house on her farm and she wanted him to come down to murder one of the “murder.”

That’s true; a bunch of crows together is called a “murder,” just like a herd of horses, a gaggle of geese, an army of caterpillars, a pack of dogs, a pod of dolphins, a gaze of raccoons, a murmuration of starlings, a bloat of hippopotami or a band of coyotes – an animal I’ll get to soon enough.

Well, that blessed lady might just as well have asked my man if he liked wild raspberry relish with his venison steaks because Kinch – my brother who died of cancer several years later – was an avid outdoorsman. He explained that he preferred to use a larger gun, but she insisted on a .22 because she wanted to ruffle as few of the deceased’s feathers as possible.

All the while Kinch could hear the crows jabbering and cawing in the background so he promised he’d help. The next day he put on all of his newest camouflage (no, I don’t know why animals insist hunting manufacturers come out with new patterns every year either), globbed on a whole face of war paint and made a hat our of some primrose bushes. Then our boy Davy Crockett settled down in a nearby thicket and waited on the unwelcome visitors to wing their way in.

Sure enough, in came this black cloud of crows and, no sooner had they settled, ole Kinch bagged a bird. The sound of the shot sent the other crows scrambling for the exits and the old woman came down the back-poach steps with a loop of clothes-line cord in her hand.

She had my brother literally hang the bird carcass from the tree, high enough so the dogs wouldn’t get it but low enough for all to see, and told Kinch to come around the next day for some sun-made iced tea so he could watch the show with her.

That following day here came the cloud again – or murder – of crows but this time they were eerily silent. About five minutes after they perched there was the worst wailing you ever heard, almost like babies crying, for what amounted to about a 30-minute funeral. Then they all flapped away, never again to return.

Crows are smart and, now that I think of it, I used to know a farmer who did much the same when he’d kill a rattlesnake. He’d drape it over a barbed-wire fence and, as a result, so he said, he rarely saw any snakes on his property.

Laugh all you want; animals know about forbidden territory and I couldn’t help but think of “old-timey” varmint control when there was a news account about unwanted coyote infestation here the other day.

Some time ago coyotes got so bad in Wyoming the state’s Sheep Breeder’s Association pleaded with that state’s Game and Fish Commissioner to have an “open season” on the pesky rascals because the coyotes were playing havoc with their sheep – a animal which when assembled en masse becomes a flock, or a fold, or a down, or a drove, or a hurtle, or a trip. So there.

Anyhow, by the time the sheep ranchers all gathered to discuss it in Laramie, the rights’ activists like PETA, the Humane Society, the Sierra Club and goodness knows who else also showed up in force. I mean, every tree hugger west of Oklahoma was there, a human species who, when assembled en masse, are called pine cones, or varying variations of nuts.

So the activists all chipped in to hire some erudite professor from Harvard or somewhere to present their side of the case and – using long words with flowery rhetoric – the silk-throated warbler took the podium in what quickly turned into some filibuster of an impassioned plea, so intent was he – to be polite – on earning his fee.

Well, the haughty professor really got on a roll, saying how he felt he could probably arrange for a $30 million government grant that would allow the hand-twisting conservationists to actually use “no-harm traps” to catch the wily coyotes so they (the coyotes) could be spayed and neutered. Then the animals could be returned to their wild habitat.

This old sheep rancher, his face wizened by the wind and the sun, finally couldn’t take it any longer and, with something of an Indian war whoop, jumped to his feet from where he sat towards the back of the meeting hall.

“Son, I apologize for interrupting what you have to say, and I appreciate that you’ve come such a long way, but I’m of the fear you’ve missed the point … these coyotes ain’t trying to (make love) to our sheep; these varmints are killing ‘em!”

Well, the meeting promptly broke into hysterical pandemonium and ended soon after. Some Wyoming “sheepers” now say if you’ll hang a freshly-slain coyote in the corners of your ranch ever so often the critter’s cousins and friends won’t dare come around and mess with the sheep, either.

Now we’ll never know if the method would actually work with the most intelligent of all species and God forbid that anyone should even try, but if you are having a fit with crows or coyotes, you might study a little agricultural history and learn a thing or two.

Just one more thing – if you do any “hanging” near the house, I’m told, the smell will soon make a real hot day seem real close. So please be advised this old method works best if you’ve got a big enough place, one without a lot of wind.

royexum@aol.com

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Who needs a human?

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=1210

--------------------------

A good lookin' Chevy

http://www.greatdanepro.com/57%20chevy/57%20chevy.htm


--------------------------

The Penis Study


The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Newfoundlanders, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own Study.
After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

--------------------------

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here: Beer Demo
(OR copy and paste the following link to your browser -
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf )

:flag:

[ameriken]

The Penis Study


The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Newfoundlanders, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own Study.
After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

--------------------------

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here: Beer Demo
(OR copy and paste the following link to your browser -
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf )

:flag:LMAO!!!! :D

[ameriken]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kissa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kissa your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, you'll be so proud of me. I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

[awbrown1462]

A GySgt saw a new Pvt. comes into the office
He yells at the Pvt. what is your name son
The Pvt. says Paul Sir, the Gunny yells, Paul we don’t
Go by first names here it breeds formality.
I use only last names like Jones or Smith
And I am called Gunny or GySgt do you understand me
Yes Gunny yells the Pvt. So says the Gunny what is your name
The Pvt. looks at the Gunny and says Darling, Pvt. Paul Darling Gunny
The Gunny looks and says Ok here is what we are going to do Paul

[ameriken]

Bob decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Bob that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old..

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooooo much. However, Bob felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Bob looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky."

Sandy and Bob got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Bob whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Bob's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Bob ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

"It is!!! 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches!"

[ameriken]

Wal-Mart has everything

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog , urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1.. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[OleDoc]

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.



Got another....

When there are several people in the elevator, stand with your back to the door and stare at them all in a menacing style. When the door opens, depart and run up to the steps to the next floor. When the door open's, say "Talking about me weren't you"!

[Phantom Blooper]

A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that every time he farts it sounds like Honda.

The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man. As a last resort he looks into the patient’s mouth and finally spots the problem. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to go to a dentist for your problem.”

So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist announces that the man has an abscess. “No problem, I’ll have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy,” says the dentist.

Sure enough, the man’s problem disappears and he no longer makes farts that sound like a Honda. The next week the man calls up the dentist and thanks him for all he’s done for him. But before he hangs up he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.

The dentist replies, “It’s easy. Everyone knows ...

... that an abscess makes the fart go Honda.:evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i255/nemis004/Funny/momcare.gif

http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/Funny%20-%20Mom%201.jpg

http://www.t-shirthumor.com/Merchant2/graphics/fullsize/tuls_lg.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman
sitting across the aisle from him leaned over
to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,

"No.

I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints.":beer:

:evilgrin:

[W L Farmer]

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0>
<TBODY>
<TR>
<TD vAlign=top>LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
crap?</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[thedrifter]

The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor by creating this.

“You May be a Taliban If........”

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

[muck]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
“First Place!," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering!," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
“First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the HELL is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

[muck]

U.S.M.C. Dining Etiquette

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it.

He would go through the chow line just like a private (In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received.

And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be 'unfit in quality or quantity').

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform.

Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.

But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests.

When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration.

She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait .

She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'

The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that ****, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.'

His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open.

So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base).

Then he said, '"I don't eat that ****, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted.

After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!

She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"

The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.

He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand.

He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants, so blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?"

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation.

As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'She said, "I - don't - eat - that - **** - Ma'am!''

The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected.

The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.

General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, **** him! Don't give him any."

[thedrifter]

Final Exam Time (joke)
5/19/09



Why Planning is important?

One Night four college students were playing till late at night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan.

They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding the night before and on their return the tire of their car burst, they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after three days.

They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean.

The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.

..

The Test consisted of two questions with a total of 100 Marks.

See below for the question paper.

Q. 1. Name of the car??

........... ............ ......... (2 MARKS)

Q. 2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right

True story (allegedly) from a world class technology university.

[thedrifter]

http://funstufftosee.com/frogleaptest.html

[thedrifter]

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” “What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father,” says the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Father again.

“Well, no.” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Priest.

“No, not yet,” the man replies. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, “You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?”

[thedrifter]

OK, I’ll try my hand at an old “shaggy dog” story:

A preacher came to the elders of his church and tendered his resignation. When pressed for an explanation, he would only say “Mother Green”.

“Mother Green? Who’s that? What do you mean?” the elders asked, but the preacher adamently refused to elaborate. The elders asked the preacher to stay until a replacement could be found, and he did so.

The new preacher arrived, and asked the departing pastor why he was giving up his flock. “Mother Green” he said, and once again refused to elaborate.

The new preacher took over, and on one particular Sunday morning, things were going swimmingly. The collection plate was full, the choir was singing on key, and he was in fine voice, raining fire and brimstone on his mesmerized audience. Suddenly, the back doors of the church were flung open, and in strutted, no, flounced a woman, built like the proverbial brick outhouse. She sported a short-short miniskirt, and displayed cleavage nearly to her naval. She sinuously slithered to the front of the church, sat in the front pew, and threw her leg over the armrest. She wore no underwear.

The preacher looked, looked again, and then whispered to the choir director “Is that Mother Green?”

“I don’t think so, pastor,” came the reply “I think it’s just the way the sun is hitting it through the stained-glass window.”

[thedrifter]

WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM?

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/12or13.html

[muck]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT


THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

OUTSTANDING!

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up this country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.. You can have your beloved homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.

When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volkswagon you can find.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

[ameriken]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" ---- The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said,"Who fuked up your hair?"

:evilgrin:

[ameriken]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudda man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[thedrifter]

Dangers Of working At Home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1z2aTcumlY&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eangelfire%2Ecom%2Fak2%2Fin telligencerreport%2Fdanger%5Fhome%2Ehtml&feature=player_embedded

[thedrifter]

"When Guns Were Fun" [Mattel toys]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8e8s8UkM5gc&NR=1


Mattel Tommy Burst TV commercial 1960s!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMqd5EQXD-g&feature=related


Shootin' Shell 45 cap gun commercial ( Mattel )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR9ojNddiSI&NR=1


Jackie Gleason for Pabst Blue Ribbon 1950s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD81mIQPOI8&NR=1


"Most Funniest Beer Commercial"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WN97YkgXmD0&feature=related


Chevrolet car commercials 1955 some with film leaders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqhdUnK2u2g

[Phantom Blooper]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's azz
all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all
those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

:beer:

:evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

Retiree's Bumper Stickers

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/retirees_stickers.html

[thedrifter]

Canadian Joke


We have lots of readers from Canada, but we never make fun of them. What gives? So here’ s a joke for all our Canadian friends…

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said “Well, will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”

[thedrifter]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
“Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“I am entering!” said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’ d you do?”
“First Place!,” said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
“Contest for the strongest man in the world.”

“I’m entering,” says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”
“First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”

They continue walking when they see a sign:
“Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
“I’m entering,” says Pinocchio.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi? “ asked Pinocchio.

[Ed Palmer]

Ever Riden a Honda?*


A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

[ameriken]

It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser.

The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her “services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism .

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

[ameriken]

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Love, Dan

[thedrifter]

Three drunks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here”, says Bubba, “It’s Zeb Jones’ grave. Bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Earl, “here’s one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Jeb yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Georgia.”

[thedrifter]

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”


http://www.thepeoplescube.com/images/Brain_Socialist_550.gif

[Ed Palmer]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two
in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a
birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch
says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,
'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.


Now wipe that smile off
your face. And pass it on.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Little Three Year-old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.
His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long,

So She Goes In To See What's Up.

The Little Boy Is Gripping On To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand

And Hitting Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.


His Mother Says:

"billy, Are You Alright?

You've Been In Here For Awhile."

Billy Says:

"i'm Fine, Mommy.

I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says:

"ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes..

But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says:

"works For Ketchup."

[ameriken]

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Be hind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.

[Phantom Blooper]

Two guys are drinking in a bar.


One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex

10 to 15 times a night?"


"Aw shiat !!!!" says his friend, "And I just joined the VFW!" :beer:

:evilgrin:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking..

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank nearby were 7 more huge dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,





'CRAP!





THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT,TOO!'

:usmc:

[muck]

The US Navy has stated that the Navy Seals could have acted faster
when rescuing the captain of the Maersk Alabama last month, but
had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the
pirates were related to Obama or currently held positions as
cabinet members. :D

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.t-shirthumor.com/Merchant2/graphics/thumbs/kyag_sm.gif

[ameriken]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?



Think before you continue reading.








This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


.................... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the
car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would
stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER....

The correct answer actually is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers. :beer:


God, I just love happy endings, Ken :usmc:

[thedrifter]

While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.

"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"

[thedrifter]

One afternoon the socialist leader of country that no longer exists (USSR) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Pretending to be disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the socialist said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the socialist replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the socialist answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the socialist and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The socialist replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"

[thedrifter]

Subject: Chief

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, ‘Get over here! What’s your name?”

“Paul,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.

“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as ‘Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is Paul Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do .....”

[tripledog]

Laying in bed with his wife, watching, who wants to be a Millionaire.......................

He turns to wife "wanna make love?"


HELL NO she replies................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Well then, Im gonna call a friend.............................

Duh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, CoffeeBreak, do your stuff..'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......


Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.......
Sh*t on the paper.......




Screwed the other three cats.......
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation...............and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave !




AND THAT MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE
WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!! :evilgrin:

[Phantom Blooper]

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?


For bird flu you need tweetment.

And for swine flu you need oinkment.

:sick:

[3522]

Q - What is the difference between the G-spot and a golfball?
A - A man will spend 10 minutes looking for a golfball. :p
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]-->

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Knowledge comes with age and experience


How Men can Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45 give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

:flag:

[Ed Palmer]

Police Do Care

Lexington Police Department reports finding an man's body in the

Kentucky river just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge ... The dead

man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.



The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on

dildo, and an Obama tee shirt.



He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt.



The police removed the Obama tee shirt to spare his family any

unnecessary embarrassment.

[Ed Palmer]

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

[Ed Palmer]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.


It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.


"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you"?


The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."


The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living"


"He is a veterinarian," she answered.


"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice"?


The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.


He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.


Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND.'

NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS..'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN WOULD BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!

:usmc:

[Phantom Blooper]

Many years ago a man was traveling through the

mountains of Switzerland .



Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to

sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if

he could spend the night. !



The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.



As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her



father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'



'That fellow is traveling through,' said the farmer'



needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he

could sleep in the barn.'



The daughter said,



'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she

prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it



out to the barn.



About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing

disheveled and straw in her hair.



Straight up to bed she went.



The farmer's wife was very observant. She then

suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she

fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,!



and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,

her blouse buttoned incorrectly.



She also headed straight to bed.



The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up

and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.



When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor

was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave

without even saying goodbye,' she cried.



'We made such passionate love last night!'



'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran



out of the house looking for the man, who by now was

halfway up the mountain.



The farmer screamed up at him,



'I'm going to get you!



You had sex with mydaughter!'



The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped

his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....



'LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!'

[Phantom Blooper]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." :beer:

[ameriken]

Parking Ticket...



Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into
town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about
giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The
more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus
and the car had an Obama sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day
now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[ameriken]

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts..<WBR>. for support rather than illumination.<WBR>" - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.

Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops, 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!, I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us . '

:flag:

[thedrifter]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel “ pick up your shovel,
mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land”.

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, “ Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and
light up a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel , taxed your asses, raised the price of camels,
and mortgaged the promised land.

[thedrifter]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today. I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon..........you got nice house.”

[thedrifter]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado..... And off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City ....
..and went to find the Great Wizard

“What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

“I’ve come for some courage.”

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, “Who’s next?”

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:

“Well, I think I need a heart.” “Done! Says the Wizard.”

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

Up stepped Bush and said,

“The American people say that I need a brain.”

“No problem! Said the Wizard.
Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn’t say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

“Well, what do YOU want?”

“IS DOROTHY HERE?”

[thedrifter]

http://img.nothired.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/nemesis.gif



http://img.nothired.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/seeking-adult-drunk-clown.gif



http://img.nothired.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/alcoholic-podiatrist.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

" Then they kick 'em in the ice hole." :evilgrin:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Two gay guys, Fred and Larry, get legally married in MAINE. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.

--------------------------

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. Something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, Why do you love doing that????

Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???

--------------------------

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar, When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice...'

God Bless America

--------------------------

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

:flag:

[tripledog]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>http://netmail.verizon.net/webmail/driver?nimlet=download&fn=INBOX&mid=1001&partIndex=1.1&disp=inline

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.[

[thedrifter]

Two guys were fishing on the Ohio River. One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.” His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. “You idiot- what if we bring another boat next time?”

[thedrifter]

http://images50.fotki.com/v1525/photos/2/292835/2359195/justthefacts_edited1-vi.jpg


The original game of "Monopoly" was circular.

It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World.

One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year.

Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

[thedrifter]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

‘My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.’

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

‘My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.’

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

‘My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.’

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, ‘Will you knock it off ...I’m trying to poop!’

[thedrifter]

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, life), here is a stress management technique recommended in many of the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work.
You’re smiling already.

[thedrifter]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. ‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break ,and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.

[ameriken]

Three teenaged boys go to confession. The first one enters and says.....

Boy: Father, I have sinned. I had sex with a girl.

Priest: Was it Susan O'Reilly?

Boy: I'm sorry father. I cannot tell you.

Priest: Come on now son, was it Betty McLaughlin?

Boy: Please father, I cannot tell you.

Priest: Was it Ruth Flanagan?

Boy: Father, I cannot tell you.

Priest: OK son, I admire your persistence. Your sin is forgiven.

The boy leaves the confessional and his friends asked him if he got absolution. He said, "Yea and I got three good leads."

[W L Farmer]

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.



A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of

$860.00).



He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It's mid-winter, and, of

Course, all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their

GUNS, a DOG, and, of course, the new NAVIGATOR.



They decide they want to make a natural look in the open water for the ducks to

Focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now, making a hole in the ice

Large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than

The average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator

Comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Our two Rocket

Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after

Lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the

Following course of action:



They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick

Of dynamite as far away as possible.



Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the Navigator, The Guns, and the DOG...?



Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING,

Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it ... The dog takes off

Across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with

The burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.



The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their

Necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to

Stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One

Hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with

#8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot. This time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and, of course, terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.



The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck

Touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and

Takes off after his master.



Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !



The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two

Idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their

Faces.



The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of

Explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first

Of those $860.00 a month payments.



The dog is okay. . .doing fine.



And you thought Rednecks only live in the South...

[thedrifter]

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n ..
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... .... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book..
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. [Certainly right up there on the Hazelip male pantheon of humor.]
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression,
male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels
every 5 minutes.

AND


He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said.....You wear pants don't you?

He said.........Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said.......That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said.....They already have boyfriends.

He said......Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[thedrifter]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?

Your Honour.


An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven (obviously not a family law lawyer), but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."



Two duck hungers ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, who no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.

The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw him he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"

"Well," the other hunter replied. "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation working hard and getting the job done. Then one day, someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."



Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Father: If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.

Father: What if I thought you were a son of a *****?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Father: In that case, I think you're a son of a *****.

[thedrifter]

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."



While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there - the judge.

Judge: "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?"

Kid: "Yeah?"

Judge: "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze." The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me."

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

Judge: "Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly." Kid: "Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom."

[thedrifter]

A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.

Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.

"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.

"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'




A family court judge and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the family court judge to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.

[thedrifter]

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot.

Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."

"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.



http://img3.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/09112008/0/2/d/6/02d6e71b8916a0_full.png

[montana]

heard Michael Js mortition discoverd Michael was 90% plastic....so they desided to melt him down and turn him into laegos........that way little kids can play with him for a change

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her
mom that the boys keep asking her to do
cartwheels because she's very good at them.


Mom said: "YOU should say NO-they only
want to look at your undies".

Susie said: "I know they do,
that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

:evilgrin:

[Ed Palmer]

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughterhttp://www.1st-art-gallery.com/thumbnail/84856/2/Mother-Jeanne-Nursing-Her-Baby.jpg
Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast
feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

[mcvet57103]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her
mom that the boys keep asking her to do
cartwheels because she's very good at them.


Mom said: "YOU should say NO-they only
want to look at your undies".

Susie said: "I know they do,
that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

:evilgrin:Someone besides me must be listening to Bob & Tom. :thumbup:

[3522]

Someone besides me must be listening to Bob & Tom. :thumbup:

Bob and Tom; those guys rock (although when Tom-less, less so)!

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset .. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY:




My Harley wouldn’t start today, but at least I got laid!


:flag:

[thedrifter]

http://i32.tinypic.com/23sf2h.jpg


http://i28.tinypic.com/2h6rpqt.jpg


http://i28.tinypic.com/2gv9346.jpg

[giveen]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."<o></o>
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need tochill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Ed Palmer]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it . so they gave me the axe.


After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it . mainly because it was a so-so job.


Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.


I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.


Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.


Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.


Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.


I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.


Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.


I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.


I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.


So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

[thedrifter]

Subject: Old Sea Story


There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected His sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boson that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.

Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Kwiatkowski, and Brown you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"


THE MORAL:

Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington; but don't count on things smelling any better!

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Some you may have seen and some maybe not.

THE BLOND

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"

"The son of a ***** called back!"

---------------------

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him? 'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should refwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

---------------------

WRONG BIATCH

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle..

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong Biatch out the window."

---------------------

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week..."

---------------------

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

---------------------

Strange how facts contribute to reality.

In South Los Angeles , a fire destroyed a fourplex, one morning.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six Hispanic, gang banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious at the apparent racial inequity of the situation. Why were just the white couple saved?


They flew to LA and demanded a meeting with the firechief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the African Americans, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.


The fire chief quietly replied, "They were at work."

---------------------

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket...

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a jerk. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care... We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

---------------------

One of Maxine's best!!!!!!!!!

Minorities

We need to show more sympathy for these people.

* They travel miles in the heat.
* They risk their lives crossing a border.
* They don't get paid enough wages.
* They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do.
* They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.
* They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day ~ every day.

I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans

~ I'm talking about our Troops!

Doesn't it seem strange that many Democrats and Republicans are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops, and are even threatening to defund them?

Please pass this on; this is worth the short time it takes to read it.

---------------------

ORDERING A PIZZA IN 2010

How far off is this from a reality? ... This is funny, but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality.

Want to know how to order a pizza in 2010? Click the link and see... turn up the volume. . . listen closely. . . watch the pointer carefully! This seems so true, it's frightening!


Click here (or copy and paste to your browser): http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf <http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf>

[thewookie]

I had to pass this along to my dear friends here on Leatherneck.....;)


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7j1w7_pimmel-im-gesicht-face-de-bite_fun

[mcvet57103]

I had to pass this along to my dear friends here on Leatherneck.....;)


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7j1w7_pimmel-im-gesicht-face-de-bite_funROFLMFAO!!!!! Good one!!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's damned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's damned cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder."

"That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's damned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty freakin' windy, too!"

:evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

Stupid Laws

- Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.Ok....maybe this one isn't so stupid.

- Alaska:
1. It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. Are ya taking notes Ma?


- California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

- Connecticut:
1. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands. Revise this one to "able".


- Florida:
1. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Was this a problem in Florida?


- Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

- Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.Now I know why they come to AZ for the winter!

- Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.


- Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."I can't stop laughing at this...where do you go if you "can't hold on to the ground"?

- Louisiana:
1. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

- Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

- Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

- New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

- New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

- North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
This is just WRONG!

- Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

- Oklahoma:
1. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

- Pennsylvania:
1. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

- Tennessee:
1. It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee.

- Texas:
1. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.


- Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.Well at least it's not as bad as winter in Indiana

- Washington:
1. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

- West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

[thedrifter]

A Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love,
She Planned To Marry Joe.
She Was So Happy 'bout It All,
She Told Her Pappy So.

Pappy Told Her, Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another.
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother.

So Susie Put Aside Her Joe
And Planned To Marry Will.
But After Telling Pappy This,
He Said, 'there's Trouble Still.'

You Can't Marry Will, My Gal,
And Please Don't
Tell Yo' Mother.
But Will And Joe, And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brother.

But Mama Knew And Said, My Child,
Just Do What Makes Yo' Happy.
Marry Will Or Marry Joe;
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

And there was such a hush you could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...

What we have is "Blue Cross!"

:usmc:

[thewookie]

I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside me.

Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .'

I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' I said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' I said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ...so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

:usmc:

[thedrifter]

A little humor....

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

[thedrifter]

ONE LINERS:

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

43.3% of statistics are meaningless.

Circular Definition: see, Definition, Circular

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Grow your own dope, plant a politician.

A day without sunshine is like...night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Democracy: four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Improve mail delivery, mail the posties their pay.

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Don't be sexist, broads hate that.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

and the best one:

Live every day as your last, one day you will be right.

[Wheels123]

This is a tribute to the Marine Lance Corporal and their peers alike....
Holy ****ing monkey **** LCpl, I'm so glad that you checked in!!! Your an
18yr old World of Warcraft Master that barely slimed your way through boot
camp and now think your the toughest thing since a level 37 dark elf with a
bow staff.....congrat-u-****in-lations retard you've already made my
****list!
Perhaps it's the fact that you checked in 20 minutes late with no shave and
an HM1 haircut wearing the newly acquired "ChAlphas" uniform that has become
so popular within your nasty LCpl cult. Or maybe it's that your eagles are
flying upside down and your "Welcome to the Corps" ribbon is on the wrong
side of your uniform there genius. Whatever the **** it is, know now, that
me and you are about to become best ****ing friends.
Mommy and Daddy are probably under the impression that you are a bad ass
rough and tough leatherneck, eating nails and fighting wars...don't they?!?
Well I know the truth! You're an untested, undisciplined, lying, immature
little weasel who can't even keep a clean room or a squared away uniform.
You'll end up going to medical to get out of PT while simultaneously surfing
the web on "Military Love Links" with a stupid ass screen name like
"MonsterMarine" or "Jarhead4Life". You'll end up with a laminated light duty
chit for some retarded unheard of medical condition while you try to explain
to me "but Gunnery Sergeant, the doc says that my metamusel ligament is
twisted behind my left calf". Whatever ***** boy...shut your cum dumpster
and get out of my face.
Here's the thing bag nasty, just know that when you get off limp dick
duty....I plan on having your little whiney ass drug through the dirt.
The thought of watching you vomit after half a mile while Sgt Waddle and Sgt
Yarbrough make crude comments about your mothers vagina makes me smile!
Then I'll get some lame ass allegation against me for hazing like I even
give a ****...I hope you choke and die on your own vomit.
You'll end up with a DUI or you'll pop on a **** test and give some lame ass
excuse trying to shift the blame while taking absolutely NO responsibility
for your own retarded actions. I can hear it now..."but Gunnery Sergeant,
somebody else cooked the brownies, I didn't know there was any weed in
them". You think I'm stupid? You're the only one here that was born
yesterday **** stain.
That's because your a useless arrogant LCpl ****head.
You'll meet the first skanky, low self-esteem, no self-respect slut that
spreads her Herpa-syphilitis infected legs for you and propose marriage
after the first ****. I can already hear it..."things are different gunnery
Sergeant, I really love her and she loves me". The only thing that she loves
are your friends and your paycheck and the only thing that your confused,
inexperienced little dick loves is her nasty vagina...that's it....and
she'll probably have 4 kids from 3 different dads (one of which is still
pending the results of a DNA test on some white trash talk show). You'll
give me some LCpl retarded justification like "Gunny, her kids love me, I
think I'm the first male influence they have had in their lives". That's
because all of the other influences were a lot more intelligent than your
dumb ass. That's good to ****ing go though, here I thought you were ****ing
a nasty, money-stealin skank and here you are the ****in hero....my
apologies, I'll know better the next time around.
You'll buy two 30,000 dollar cars (both of which need rims, TV's, and a
sound systems) or a Hyabusa although you've never ridden in your nasty
little lifetime. And your going to do it all on a 24,000 dollar a year
salary. Why are you going to do this LCpl **** for brains? Because you're a
retarded LCpl that's why. When you get so in debt that you can't pay your
rent, utilities, cable, or credit cards, your creditors are going to find me
and I will be FORCED kicking and screaming to sit down and do a financial
worksheet FOR YOU (which you'll lie on, so it doesn't ****in help you
anyway).
Then comes the DUI...dumbass. You spent your night at the bar, getting
wasted with the boys and trying to cheat on your wife with some out of shape
barracks rat LCpl cult member, while your wife gets railed from behind by 2
of your friends back in the barracks. Now I'm asleep at home when my
annoying phone goes off at 2 a.m and who do you think it is? Yes indeed it's
you, sobbing like the little ***** that you are, tossed in the drunk tank
and awaiting me to bail you out....now I gotta call the Master Sergeant to
explain why my leadership failed you. I hate you Lance Corporal....I hate
you!
$12,000, two lawyers, a divorce, and two repo-ed cars later, I see you
smoking a cigarette with your fellow ****ing failure LCpl cult members out
at the smoke pit.....complaining about how the Corps ****ed you, how you
gotta pay child support, your credits ****ed cause you got NJP'ed and lost
money, how you're an alcoholic and how you blame it all on PTSD although
your retarded ass has never deployed. I hate you Lance Corporal, I ****in
hate you with all my heart. The fact that you wear the same uniform as me,
grinds against my very being. The fact that I have to walk you through life
like you're a baby who's learning how to talk, makes me bitter with rage. I
wish I could kick you in your ****ing teeth. I wish I could kick you out
into the street to find your own way and watch you fail at life without the
big brother baby sitting Corps.
You can thank Mothers Of America, which mommy is probable a proud member of,
along with some liberal faggots for preventing me from breaking your ass
down shotgun style and taking a ratchet to your skull while beating some
damn sense into your brain housing group...because lord knows I fantasize
about that ALL day! One day LCpl...one day.

[Ed Palmer]

TV Guide-IRAQ/AFGAN EDITION

TV GUIDE-JIHAD DISH

SUNDAY:
0800 - My 33 Sons
0830 - OsamaKnows Best
0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:
0800 - Husseinfeld
0900 - Mad About Everything
0930 - Monday Night Stoning
1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
1030 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
0800 - Wheel of Terror
0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
0900 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the DarndestThings
0930 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY:
0800 - Beat the Press
0830 - When Kurds Attack
0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
1000 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:
0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils

0930 - Married with 139 Children
1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
0800 - SpongebobSquareturban
0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900 - Teletalibans
0930- Camel 54, Where Are You?

SATURDAY:
0800 - Judge Jihad
0830- Suddenly Sanctions
0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
0930 - Cave and Garden Television
1000 - No-Witness News

[thedrifter]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one right here.’

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, ‘Tell me lady, ‘cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple she said, by the nail that’s over its stall,’ she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the nail for?’

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

‘I guess it’s to hang your pants on.’

[thedrifter]

WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT


And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

[Ed Palmer]

This will crack you up!

If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of
new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who
would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were
likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who
was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by
his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO
discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with
bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked
Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess,
I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the
church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are
indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last
week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280
I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a
professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you
manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a
large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister
exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320
bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We
are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as
we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better
explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what
you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you
l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten
b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to
st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

[thedrifter]

HOME REMEDIES


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

[Phantom Blooper]

Four old timers are walking down a street in Boston. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you"! "What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.....Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from New York,' the bartender said and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime (wine, liquor, beer) it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old geezers from Florida waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

:evilgrin:

[thedrifter]

A little humor....


Ways to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

MORALS...


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1.. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2.. An old friend who once saved your life.

3.. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...........

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Senior Moment


This is the funniest thing that I have read in a while! Enjoy it!

Dallas Morning News

David McClure of McKinney : A senior moment ... at 48?

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in McKinney . He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car-seat in the back seat; Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard; a partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Bob and Betty's Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... As it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill , and this is my wife Betty . We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor , bring them down to the laboratory"

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor 's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor . Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor 's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty 's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob 's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"



(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

What did you expect...it's free from a demented friend on the Internet.

:iwo:

[thedrifter]

~ Big Time Eye-Roll Collection ~

Do you have Charlie?
Negative, we left him back at the hanger!

Do you have Echo?
Negative, recieving you loud and clear!

Do you have Hotel?
Negative, We are staying with friends!

Do you have Juliet?
Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!

Do you have Kilo?
Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!

Do you have Mike?
Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!

Do you have Oscar?
Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!

Do you have Popa?
Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!

Do you have Romeo?
Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Do you have Uniform?
Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!

Do you have Victor?
Negative, Who is Victor?

Do you have Xray?
Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!

Do you have Whiskey?
Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?

[vfm]

An old man was sitting on a bench at a shopping mall, when a young teenager walks by. Now this kid has his hair spiked and dyed pink, blue yellow and green. The old man keeps staring at the strange looking kid until the kid finally says to the Old Man. " When you were young didn't you ever do anything crazy?" The Old man replied, "As a matter of fact I did. When I was 18 I got drunk and had a tumble in the hay with a Peacock. I thought maybe you might be my son"!!!

[Zebra29er]

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girt in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, and then said, "No!" Michael said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The ba$tard had all quarters!

Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[OLE SARG]

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

SEMPER FI,

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

This had to be written by a female (and a bitter one at that).


A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling Husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. . .

So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF!, the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember Fairies are female...

:flag:

[Zebra29er]

Actual Stupid Questions Asked By Lawyers

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
(http://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.tirekingdom.com/Tires.aspx&ei=L_WXSt6pE6KJtgfTmLXOBA&sa=X&oi=smap&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=7&usg=AFQjCNGZKhAadg2uqfkUwbUX63m65S9uaQ)

[Zebra29er]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around...

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

[Zebra29er]

The Sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered


'THE TEETH.'

[Zebra29er]

grrrrrrrrr cant get the fonts out

[tripledog]

<TABLE cellSpacing=" cellpadding=" border=1 inherit="">
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from "]Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along]The conversation went like this... ["]Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' [Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' [Aircraft: ]'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!' "]Air Defense Radar:][(no response ... total silence
<TBODY></TBODY>
</TABLE>

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from hi s bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...........................................

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

:flag:

[jcox0311]

Semper Fi<3
To Our Men:
1.) If she wasn't emotional before, that is all about to change.
2.) You getting a higher rank could just mean an automatic free lay.
3.) Get her a pair of dog tags, ASAP. This is crucial, she will never take them off.
4.) Most of the time, you losing reception during training is your fault. (Though, she will eventually understand)
5.) Most of the time, everything is your fault. (This especially goes for when she is pregnant)
6.) She WILL start talking like your guys and you talk, including using your last names.
7.) Her patriotism could out-do most of your men... she will be proud...
VERY proud.
8.) Be ready: your car will end up with a yellow ribbon magnet of an "I LOVE MY MARINE" sticker eventually. (If you have seperate cars, hers will DEFINITELY have these)
9.) She will most likely need a pair of dog tags to hang from the car's rear view mirror. (see 3)
10.) Every week she'll have "another song" that makes her think of you when you're away. (And she'll cry to it, even when you're in the same
room)
11.) If you're married, she may know the base better than you do...
don't take it personal.
12.) You will catch her comparing your relationship with "other couples"
in the military constantly.
13.) She'll make 5 million friends online, and talk to you about them all the time because her "old friends just don't understand" like they do.
14.) Don't be shocked when she just drops civilian chicks out of her life like flies. (She mostly does this when they complain to her)
15.) DO NOT if you love her, say anything about you not wanting to make her wait for you... (TRUST me men, YOU ARE WORTH every breath to these women, or they wouldn't be here)
16.) Most women actually do LOVE it when you are sweaty and dirty, even the girlie girls. It's sexy as hell!
17.) Only bring up the field once, say it clear, and don't bring it up again. We will remember the time, the dates like stone inside our mind.
Don't remind us.
18.) You ARE our hero. That isn't us being cute, it's us swelling with pride, feeling like a princess everytime we glance over and you're standing there.
19.) Don't worry about waking her up when you get a chance to call, trust me, she's NOT sleeping. If she is, she's been waiting for you to call all night and she fell asleep next to the phone.
20.) Leave at least 3 of your shirts for her...she'll wear them all the time and if she doesn't wear them out she WILL wear them to sleep.
21.) No matter what she was like before, she is tougher & harder than a rock now. She can handle anything, she will get through it, tears or no tears.
22.) Don't be discouraged or taken back from her strength. It comes with territory. When in your arms, she's still your princess, soft & sweet.
23.) Your kids might see mommy as the one in charge for a while, it's okay, the WILL respect you, just give it time.
24.) EVERYTHING in her life will be complicated, so she might not always get the simple things you say to her.
25.) Tag Chasers are her WORST enemy, she CAN and WILL spot these girls... random profain comments may come out of her mouth... its okay, she's protecting her best asset...you!
26.) She will spend hours to look good on cam & pics for you.
27.) Her favorite sentences from you start with "when I get home" or "when I get out".
Lastly guys,
28.) No matter how much she's changed, never forget that you mean the world to her, she loves you more than anything and you will ALWAYS be her hero...whether you think you are one or not.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

These two story's had to be written by a female.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. "

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see.....where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

-----------------------------------

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada20: self.........preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and athirst for spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.

THE END.


:usmc:

[Zebra29er]

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. There was a mixup and we are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV and we can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

:flag:

[earningthetitle]

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/40747/Garfield+vs+Ties/ (http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/40747/Garfield+vs+Ties/)
http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/garfield_ties.jpg

[thedrifter]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you
enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “an apple a day..”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMACARE:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape

[thedrifter]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
Man: ‘No, thanks.’
Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man: ‘OK, how much?’
Boy: ‘$250’

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‘Dark in here.’
Man: ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?’
Boy: ‘$750’
Man: ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’

The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy: ‘$1,000’

The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that.....that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that sh*t again; you’re in my closet now.’

[thedrifter]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s
party..Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like
alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son,
what happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son,
‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’

His son replies,
‘Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone *****, I’m married!!’

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS !

[thedrifter]

Confucius Say...
Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
Don’t eat the snow where the huskies go!
Support bacteria — it’s the only culture some people have!
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

[thedrifter]

Some quotes from that late great American philosopher, Rodney Dangerfield......

You can always tell my car, it’s always on a lift. I have the only car that has more miles on it vertically than horizontally.

I know my wife cheats on me. I bought a used car and found her dress in the back seat.

I decided to cut down on smoking, I only smoke after sex. I’ve had the same pack since 1999. I’m worried about my wife, she’s up to three packs a day.

Kids these days get pregnant from eating chicken. It’s finger-licking good and one thing leads to another.

Marry a woman who can cook. The sex will wear off but you’ll always be hungry.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host and said, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago ,and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old B**** what her name is.

:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

PHONES IN CHURCH ?????

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in West Virginia , upon entering a church in Man, West Virginia , behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents"

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling broadly, replied, "Son, you're in West Virginia now...... You're in God's Country. It's a local call."

American by Birth - A Hillbilly by the Grace of God.

(Of course 99 percent of Hillbilly's have no concept of what a $100,000.00 is)


:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.


:usmc:

[ameriken]

<TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>
<TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable style="MARGIN-LEFT: 10.5pt" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the ttrunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Skosh59]

President Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in
the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and
told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an
examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to
Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull****!

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

THE VERY FIRST EVER BLONDE GUY JOKE.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


:flag:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..' 'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day


:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE ..

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama's presidency.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''..
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'.

:flag:

[NamNuts]

8108

[Skosh59]

On some bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who's calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference ...
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour!" :beer:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do.

" Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50, and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

:usmc:

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Moose Sex:

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a
night?"

"Aw S***...," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"


Had to be some Rednecks

[Ed Palmer]

Hotel Related Incident


A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a
bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an
ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in
the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He
copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything
you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside
line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

[marine1955]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8z0hyIx3fE

[exnitro]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside
his sleeping
wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the
Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep,
Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got
too
much to
live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry,
but there's only one way you can go
back,
and that is as a
chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a
farm near
his home... The next thing he knew, he was covered with
feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past.
'So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,'
replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm
gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don 't
tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said
Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the
rooster.

'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable
seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he
experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was
overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on
the back of
his head, and heard his wife yell...

'Ralph! Wake up. You
**** the bed!'

[Roger Shepherd]

Thank's for the joke's

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.gibbleguts.com/cartoons/gibtoon.gif

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of a**holes!"

A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"

The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are faggots!"

Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

:usmc:

[Akkadian]

http://skippyslist.com/list/

It's army, yes, but it's funny nonetheless.

[Zebra29er]

The value of a # 2 pencil


YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD!!


The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

Naked Cowboy


A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'


Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"

:usmc:

[Zebra29er]

West Virginia Wife !!


Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Washington . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Wyoming . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from West Virginia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the puffiness had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher, and the swelling in his fat lip subsided so he could be understood when he said ... "yes dear

[Skosh59]

CDC Medical Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
:beer:

[Skosh59]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling azzholes!"

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, " You're
doing well--Only two left
:banana:

[Zebra29er]

The Photographer


The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality
of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in 5 minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
Manhattan."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
eh, equipment?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?...
Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[marine1955]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says‘ Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Ed Palmer]

"What lies behind us

and what lies before us

are tiny matters

compared to

what lies within us."



THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.



Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'



Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.



Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A : Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.



Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...







BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS



Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.





Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.

[thewookie]

http://i987.photobucket.com/albums/ae359/thewookie_photos/6833_1237922865742_1159374638_30733.jpg

[Supersquishy]

http://i987.photobucket.com/albums/ae359/thewookie_photos/6833_1237922865742_1159374638_30733.jpg

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

[thewookie]

His legacy is growing everyday.....;)