Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about
my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

[jrhd97]

A little girl is playing in the sandbox with her dad.
She sees two spiders copulating.

She asks her dad about what they are doing. He tells her they are making babies. She ponders this for a moment.

She then points to one spider and asks her dad " what kind is that?"
"It's a daddy long leg honey" her dad replies.

She thinks a minute and points to the other one and asks " well... what is that one?".
"Well that's a daddy long leg too"

The girl thinks on that for a minute then jumps up and grinds both spiders into the ground with her foot.
Her dad jumps up asking " What are you doing that for?"

The girl responds. " Well that may be OK for them folks in Massachusets, and it may be OK for them folks in California, but we aint gonna have that sheet here in Texas!"

[Ed Palmer]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100,
the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer
Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The
cabby said, "I'd cover his azz up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

[davblay]

Being as how I live in Tennessee I thought I'd save some of you guys the trouble! LMAO!
---------------------------------------------------------------



LIVING IN TENNESSEE


THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN TENNESSEE





Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.





There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Tennessee.





There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee , plus a couple no one's seen before.





If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.





Onced and Twiced are words.





It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.





People actually grow and eat okra.





'Fixinto' is one word.





There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.





Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!





Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'





DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'





You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.





You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.





You measure distance in minutes.





You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.





'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'





All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.





You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.





You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.





There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.





The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.





The first day of deer season is a national holiday.





100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.





Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World.'





A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.





A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . .. it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'





Fried catfish is the other white meat.





We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.





EVERYONE can't be a Tennessean; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

[davblay]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES & SOLUTIONS


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED 2 TOOLS IN LIFE, WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[Ed Palmer]

After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his
temper many times costing her votes and finally escaping from her
overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked
off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year just after you lose the election." Then the soothsayer
looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this
news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
looked back, deep into the fortune te ller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"

[LongLegs]

HI Drifter,
How is all with you and family? Where is Sparrow. Have not talked to you guys in years. Let me know of the updates.

[thedrifter]

10 Best Things About Booze


1. It shines a light in the darkness.

“When I need a light inside me, I walk into a pub and drink 15 pints of beer.”

—Shane McGowan



It happens to everyone. You wake up submerged in a pitch black mood where the whole shebang seems an immense waste of time. When any and every move you could possibly make not only seems ill-advised, but a sure path to utter ruin.

Then you have a drink. You may have to force yourself to do it, because even drinking seems a big hassle. Suddenly the weight of the world shifts a little off your neck, not much, but enough to notice. Then you have another and, you know, things still suck, but it isn’t the end of the world, for crissakes. Then you have a third and a sliver of light pierces the gloom and you can actually make out the dim shapes of some of the good things around you. Six or seven more down the pipe and—Shazam!—you’re not only out of the pit of gloom, you’ve somehow managed to leap atop some gaudy and magnificent peak, surrounded by vast rolling plains of hope and opportunity.

Oh, sure, there will always be those who will shrill that it is false optimism driven by a chemical reaction in the brain, but so what? As any motivational speaker will tell you, a positive attitude, attained by whatever means, is the first step toward accomplishing anything of value.

Where there’s hooch, there’s hope.





2. It inflames the imagination.

“For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable—intoxication.”

—Friedrich Nietzsche



It’s no wonder teetotaler artists and writers are especially eager to rail against alcohol—drinking provides an unfair advantage. It’s steroids for the creative set. It not only allows you to look at something from a fresh angle, it pries open the door to the subconscious, the primordial muck from which all ideas spring.

The Roman philosopher Seneca said, “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness,” and he was dead right. Applied liberally, alcohol makes you go out of your mind, and by that I mean it allows you to poke your head out of whatever mental rut you’re trudging along in. Which is important, because that ditch doesn’t offer much of a view.

Granted, some of the sheen and shine will fall off those grand ideas come morning, but a few nuggets will almost always glitter from those ink-stained cocktail napkins.





3. It unites the tribe.

“The secret of drunkenness is that it insulates us in thought, whilst it unites us in feeling.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson



Thanks to TV, the Internet, cell phones, telecommuting, pharmaceuticals and video games, the average person presently spends more time physically alone than in any other era in human history. It’s an irony of the times—technology brought us out of the caves and into the cities and now it’s leading us back to the caves. We’ve been reduced to hermits shouting at one another from digital windows.

Which is no way to go through life, if you ask me. Communicating with a fellow human through fiber optics and satellite signals may be convenient, but it’s a sorry substitute for face-to-face contact.

There is nothing like alcohol to get you out of your cave and into the crowd. A handful of drinks and you suddenly feel the world could well benefit from your exalted presence. It makes you want to seek out human companionship, and once found, it sheds the veils behind which we hide. Put 20 strangers in a room and serve them water, and you’ll get some strained conversation at best. Give them booze and you’ve got yourself a party. Unrestrained laughter breaks the surface tension, friendships are formed, romance is sparked.

You’ll eventually return to your cave, to be sure, but perhaps you’ll bring someone back with you.





4. It makes you more human.

“In a world where there is a law against people ever showing their emotions, or ever releasing themselves from the grayness of their days, a drink is not a social tool. It is a thing you need in order to live.”

—Jimmy Breslin

During a typical day, the average person’s emotional pendulum swings perhaps ten degrees in either direction, from mild annoyance (spilling a cup of coffee on your desk) to mild amusement (a coworker spilling a cup of coffee in his lap). Baring your emotions, society has taught us, equates vulnerability, which is another word for weakness. We’re not only encouraged to keep our emotions off our sleeves, but buried deep inside, where they can keep our ulcers company. And there we are, glorified monkeys who learned to make machines, and now, for some inexplicable reason, we’re attempting to become those very machines.

Which is a sad state of affairs. The finest examples of humanity, all the great figures in history and legend, were men and women who roared through life with an excess of passion.

And there’s nothing like booze to fan the fires of passion that smolder within. It serves as an emotional catalyst, it gives that pendulum a shove, allowing it to swing in a broad arc. It lends you the energy and excuse to exercise the full gamut of human emotion, from righteous Moses-coming-down-the-mountain rage to deepest, purest romantic love. (And on a good evening, both within the space of five minutes.)

Sober, we are soulless robots and about as fun. Drunk, we are cavorting monkeys willing to have a good time. Which would you rather be?





5. It’s a sure path to adventure.

“It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where you’re going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.”

—Jim Morrison



Daring types once sought out adventure by setting out to the edges of civilization with loads of expedition gear. Now that the edges of civilization have overlapped, the bold must find adventure in familiar surroundings, they must eke it out of the commonplace.

For adventure to exist, two elements must be in place: risk and the courage to engage it. Alcohol provides both, in spades. Which is why the daring presently set out for the nearest bar and load up on booze.

Inebriation increases the possibility of adventure by pumping up the X Factor. No matter how well you become acquainted with the effects of drinking, there is always the possibility something unpredictable will happen, especially when you consider those around you are tempting the same fates with every lift of their glass.

Booze also lends you the necessary courage to face that inherent danger, it instills the confidence and devil-may-care attitude essential to taking that first step into the metaphorical jungle.

Now, some may decry this brand of bravery as “Dutch” or false courage, but what does it matter from which quarter courage springs? Do you think Genghis Khan gave a damn whether it was bloodlust, loyalty to his command, or a bellyful of fermented mare’s milk that encouraged his horseman to swoop down on a rival tribe?

Nowadays people crave the thrill of adventure but would prefer to do without the danger, which is ridiculous. That’s not adventure, that’s a ride at Disneyland.

Drinkers are risk takers, they’re willing to throw the dice, and don’t let modern society’s namby-pamby, play-it-safe ethos make you believe that’s a bad thing. Taking risks is what makes a life a life, as opposed to a life sentence.





6. It’s a fool-proof escape plan.

“Modern life is often a mechanical oppression and liquor is the only mechanical relief.”

—Ernest Hemingway



Your life is a prison. You, sir, live in a cage.

Hold on, you say. I love my life. I have a swell time! I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

Well, sure. I’m not saying it’s not a gilded cage with amenities galore, and I’m certain you’ve learned to play all sorts of delightful tunes when you artfully rattle the bars.

What I am saying is you are trapped in a prison of conformity and routine: you must go to work, you must pay your bills, you must feed your pets, you must be at certain places at certain times and if you aren’t then you’re going to have to find a new cage to live in.

The first thing getting drunk does is make you aware that you are in a cage. **** that job, you’ll think. It’s a ****ing drag. And **** going to your in-laws’ for Christmas, like you do every ******* year. And you sure as hell don’t want to go to church tomorrow. Suddenly you can see the bars, and I don’t mean the ones you’re drinking in.

The second thing it does is make you forget the cage exists. You get so wrapped up in the good times everything else seems a distant blur, a vague childhood memory where nothing much happened. Drink enough and you’ll have a hard time telling the cab driver on which street your cage is situated. Whoever said alcohol won’t drown your worries didn’t fill up the bathtub with enough booze.

Of course, employing alcohol to escape reality is vilified these days. Somehow it’s a terrible thing. The bars of the cage are there to protect you, they’ll tell you. What they don’t understand is that the thing you’re trying most to escape is right there in the cage with you. Namely, you.





7. It makes you pay.

“The hangover became a part of the day as well allowed-for as the Spanish siesta.”

—F. Scott Fitzgerald



I know what you’re thinking: “Why in high hell would a rabid proponent of drinking celebrate the hangover, of all things? Hangovers are the sworn enemy of drunkardom!”

I disagree. Hangovers are good things, and here’s why:

First, they provide a balance. Every Yin must have its Yang. I know it’s hard to appreciate that when you’re Yanging over the sink the morning after, but consider this—what sort of crowd would you find in the bars if it was all good times, if there was no punishment lurking behind the pleasure? A gang of fair-weather pussyfoots is what you’d have, and who wants those types getting in the way of your next drink?

Hangovers make drunks a tougher breed of character. The hangover is the mean older brother who toughens you up and teaches you how to fight back. Don’t believe me? Tell you what—you gather the gang from Starbucks and I’ll assemble the boys from Kelly’s Pub and we’ll meet in the parking lot. The caffeine crowd won’t even manage to throw a punch, they’ll be too busy texting the cops: OMG! DRNKS TACKNG US! HLP!

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, hangovers teach the art of the rebound. It instills the idea that if you grit your teeth and fight through the pain, soon enough you’ll be able to get back up and start swinging again.

You can’t keep a drunk down. Especially once Happy Hour rolls around.





8. It imparts self awareness.

“It is most absurdly said that a man is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety.”

—Thomas de Quincy



It’s crazy. People attend seminars, meditate, indulge in astrology, consult palm readers and take any number of personality tests, all in an attempt to figure out who they truly are. All those poor souls are walking around wondering, “Who and what am I really?” When all they need to do is get good and stinking drunk.

Nothing reveals your inner nature, to yourself and those lucky enough to be around you, like a good booze-up. Drink by drink, alcohol strips away all those carefully applied layers of deceit. It knocks loose the gaudy ornaments of pretension and affectation, finally laying bare what hides beneath.

I’m going to say it flat out: anyone who’s never been drunk doesn’t know a damn thing about themselves. All they know is the conscious voice in their head, and that voice is an expert liar. It’s only when that preacher is shoved off the podium—so the that the rest of the congregation can speak—that you become aware of the true dogma of the self.

Drunks have a very fine understanding of their true selves. They are keenly aware of every dimension of their psyche—they’ve sung with their angels and raged with their devils. They’ve examined that inner face from so many different angles they can render an accurate sculpture from memory, flaws and all.

Which is important, because as Plutarch preached, you cannot entirely love someone until you entirely know them.

Which brings up the next best thing about boozing.





9. It allows you to believe you are a better person than you ever imagined you were.

“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have the second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there’s no holding me.”

—William Faulkner



Ever notice how drunks rarely seem to mind being the center of attention? Not only don’t they mind, they practically demand it, even if it means breaking your things and yelling at the top of their lungs.

Why would this be so? Because when you’re drunk you’re certain you deserve the spotlight. You might be the shyest, most reticent mouse while sober, but load you up with enough liquor and you’re John Barrymore shouting Shakespeare, however unintelligibly.

Booze burnishes to a high gleam every quality you’re lucky enough to possess, and some you weren’t even aware you had claim to. It certainly makes you more generous—there isn’t a barista on earth that makes as much as a bartender. It elevates your sense of humor, surely—no one laughs at a bad joke like a drunk. It reveals you to be an expert dancer, deft conversationalist, brilliant philosopher, gifted singer and the most sensual of lovers. And good looking? You’re so damned handsome you’d have to beat the girls off with a stick if they weren’t so intimidated by your sheer, well, handsomeness. And tough—you’re so hard you could deck half the guys in the room with a single punch if they’d just stay still for a ******* minute.

Alcohol lets you love yourself. And I say that’s a fine thing. Everyone should feel that way every now and then. Why must you go through life acting like an accountant or salesman or carpenter, just because that’s what you do for a living?

Why should only kings get to feel like kings?





10. It brings the joy.

“Why on earth aren’t people continually drunk? I want ecstasy of the mind all the time.”

—Jack Kerouac



There isn’t enough joy in the world, and that’s a fact. If there was, alcohol would have been dismissed as a mere disinfectant long ago.

I know, I know—we should just get “high on life” and then we wouldn’t have to bother with the booze. And I’ve noticed that it seems to work for some people. What I’ve also noticed is those people all seem a little, well, insane.

I’m not saying there isn’t plenty of opportunity for “highness” in the sober world, I’m just saying those instances are too few and far between. Think about it: how often do you feel genuine unbridled glee while sober? Once or twice a week? You can’t count on it. You can’t expect the neighborhood kids to launch a glorious foul ball right through the living room window of your ******* neighbor every day of the week. No matter how much you pay them.

It always amuses me when I read about some hand-wringing do-gooder wondering why-oh-why do seemingly sensible people pursue alcohol with such fervor. What dark motivation, what genetic flaw must drive them? What the Drys don’t seem able to grasp is that a drinker can walk into a bar, and a handful of transactions later, attain the same level of euphoria that the teetotaler would have to strangle a half dozen or so kittens to achieve.

It’s joy on demand. Your fifth drink goes down and a sense of well-being rises up. Then, as the night reels along, the feeling expands to a real sense of euphoria. There’s nothing fake about it. It’s a three-pronged attack: you feel good because stress is released, self-image is elevated, and your inhibitions get the old heave-ho.

And what a joyful feeling it is, knowing that joy is always and only a walk to the bar away.

—Frank Kelly Rich

Ellie

[Ed Palmer]

$600 Rebate Check


The federal government is sending some of you a $600 rebate.

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.


If you purchase a computer it will go to India.


If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras, and Guatemala.


If you use it for down-payment on a good car it will go to Japan.


If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, beer, and Jack Daniels since these are the only products still produced in the US ..

[Ed Palmer]

Note found on the refrigerator one morning:



My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have

certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no

longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value

you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this

letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret

the fact that I will be spending the evening with my

18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'



When the man came home late that night, he found the

following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you

for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I

would like to take this opportunity to remind you

that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a

math teacher at our local college. I would like to

inform you that while you read this, I will be at

the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,

who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,

virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent

knowledge of math, you will understand that we are

in the same situation, although with one small

difference - 18 goes into 54 more times than

54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home

until sometime tomorrow.

[Ed Palmer]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shiit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

[jrhd97]

When You've Been Married Too Long

Three women:

one engaged, one married and one a Mistress, are chatting about their
relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will
wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for Lunch.

The engaged Woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a Black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are The woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night
Long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing
the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes a nd a raincoat. When I
Opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
Night.

The married Woman:
I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my
husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
Stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and
saw me he Said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[Ed Palmer]

If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do
not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of
your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the
tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call
only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.


IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If
the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub of water. It will not only remove the forbidden
tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk
with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!


THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17
Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you -- you're FOOLING around on the computer!!!!

[mcvet57103]

The Funnies: A Compendium of Puntifications

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

14. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

17. I didn't know where the sun went at night, so I stayed up thinking about it until it dawned on me.

18. I knew she was bulimic so I tried not to talk about food, but she kept bringing it up!

[thedrifter]

Drug Test

A man named Jed had a job which subjected him to random drug and
alcohol
checks. One day his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician

notified him that he tested positive for drugs.

Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent
for an interview with the company doctor.

During his interview, the doctor asked him to account for his activity
the previous night.

Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a

ball game with his teammates.

He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers
left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.

He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and
bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.

The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"

Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became
quite
amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to
perform on her.

"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.

"Sure I did," answered Jed "Why, what's the matter?"

"Well, said the doctor, that's why you tested positive. That was a
bar*****youate."

[bigalholmes165]

MS ELLIE!!!!

:D

[thedrifter]

Married Life

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when

the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite

some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it
down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over

and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving
voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.

Ellie

[mddruss]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!" <!--/gc-->

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_3903469609000001web65502_mail_a.gif

[Ed Palmer]

A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every
year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun
to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty!
If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going
bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wpred/2008/wpred080602.gif

[Ed Palmer]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?� I said, `No, sir.
I�m too scared.� So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I�m sticking this little baby up your ass.�" "So, did you jump?"
asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first.

[thedrifter]

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

[jrhd97]

>
> A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest
> >
> > Airlines from Dallas , TX to Chicago . The little boy (who had
been
> >
> > looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big
dogs
> >
> > have baby dogs,and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
airplanes
> >
> > have baby airplanes?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told
> >
> > her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went
> >
> > down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
> >
> >
> >
> > The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and
said,
> >
> > 'Did your Mom tell you to ask
> >
> > me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'
>
> >
> > 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
> >
> > airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your
Mom
> >
> > explain that to you.'

[jrhd97]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were
flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."

[Ed Palmer]

It's barely dawn and the telephone rings: 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylormade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .

LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!'

[thedrifter]

Therapy

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 47 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 47 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

[Ed Palmer]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[thedrifter]

When to start cussing...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time
we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6
year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios.'



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks
him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
ma n?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't
be Cheerios!'

[thedrifter]

Funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the ****ing wall!"

[Ed Palmer]

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her but thought it would
be a cheap night for you.

[Ed Palmer]

hot and cold sex





After his exam the
doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do
you have
any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex
with my wife I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex
with her
the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that
you would
like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after
having sex
with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you
k now why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because
the first time is usually in January and the second time is in
August."

[thedrifter]

Pilot Jokes
The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

Q&A

Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.


The Three Pilots


Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.


The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."


The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."


The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."


The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.




“My Wife . . . .”


A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.


As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General

shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a *****house!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."

[Ed Palmer]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided
to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn
comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during
Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

[Ed Palmer]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves
on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined
at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft
please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every
year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says Joe. "Hamburgers &
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and

rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.


Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[thedrifter]

The Navy Invented Sex?

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

[Ed Palmer]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it
safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

[thedrifter]

Men Are Just Simpler and Happier People


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

< U>CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful w oman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FO R THE DAY FROM ALL THIS

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[thedrifter]

Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and! the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!!

[thedrifter]

Seals vs. Green Beret

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and ****ing in cokes?"

[Ed Palmer]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did
anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..


"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

[Ed Palmer]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all

led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go

back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."



The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.



The second says, "I want to be Madonna;"



and *poof* she's gone.





The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."




St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

ring a bell."





The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months

[Ed Palmer]

Apple announced today
that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[thedrifter]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this
story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep
breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing
idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.

[Phantom Blooper]

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2,000.00 a year!! When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure it in that province. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00'. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap to insure it in Newfoundland, when it cost them $2000.00 in Ontario! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,.....here it is on the screen,......it says: 'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it is $39.00:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Nudist Colony


A man joined a very exclusive
nudist colony. On his first day he took
off his clothes and started to
wander around the area. A gorgeous petite
blonde walked by, and the man
immediately got an erection.



The womannoticed his erection, came over to
him and asked,





did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No,
what do you mean?' She said,





'You must be new here.





Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it
implies you called for me.





' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the
swimming pool,





laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to
her and
happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man
continued to explore the colony's facilities.





He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he
farted.





Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of
the steam room toward him.





'Did you call for me?'asked the hairy
man.





'No, what do you mean?' replied the
newcomer.





'You must be new.' answered the hairy man,





'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you
called for me.





' The huge man easily spun him around, put him
over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered
back to the colony office where he was greeted by
a smiling, naked
receptionist,





'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership
card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours.
You haven't
had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen
lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a
month,





but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta
here.'

[Ed Palmer]

Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and
found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man
approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon
-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'

[ecfree]

An old Italian lived in New Jersey.He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,but it was very difficult work,as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent,who used to help him,was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I wont be able to plant my garden this year.I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me,like in the old days.
Love,Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.That's where the bodys are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.they apologized to the old man and left.




Later that same day the old man received a telegram from his son.


Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the cercumstances.
Love you,Vinnie

[sscjoe]

A cop was patrolling just before midnight in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this s urprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to wards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[thedrifter]

Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[sscjoe]

http://f305.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f145148%5fAHXIjkQAAM0pSHWHoA3ETyK% 2bEdY&pid=7&fid=Inbox&inline=1
http://f305.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f145148%5fAHXIjkQAAM0pSHWHoA3ETyK% 2bEdY&pid=8&fid=Inbox&inline=1
http://f305.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f145148%5fAHXIjkQAAM0pSHWHoA3ETyK% 2bEdY&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[sscjoe]

Old men can still think fast !!

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables,
A barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
Was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
Closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he
Approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man
Frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make
You get out of the pond naked." holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral:- Old men can still think fast !!

[Ed Palmer]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister,
and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with
saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do
him,
Doctor? "

It'll keep the sheets off his legs.

[NamNuts]

A lil girl(6) is walking on a beach and some how walks into a Nudist beach, where she promptly comes across a man layed out, face up with his tally whacker flappin in the breeze!

The Lil girl walks over and asked the man whats that...pointing to his tally whacker. He replies..thats my duck!

Lil girl: says duck...oh I love ducks. Can i pet your duck?

Man: No, little girl he's sleeping, go away now!

Lil Girl: Oh come on I won't wake him up!

Man: No...now go away! I'm going to take a nap, just like my ducky!

Lil girl walks away......

Few hours later the man wakes up with a gawd awful burning in his croch and a massave throbing and sirens blaring and he's in an ambulance! Looks up to see the lil girl sitting near him in the ambulance!

Man: Gawd damnit, lil girl what the hell happened..?

Lil Girl: Well after you fell asleep...I came back to pet your duck, and I did! But he must of woke up! And I guess it was mad, cuz when i petted him he spit at me...ahhhh whole bunch!!!

So, i got mad and reached down and:
BROKE ITS NECK...CRUSHED ITS EGGS.....AND BURNED ITS NEST!!!!

[thedrifter]

Sneezes

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a
plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he
is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't
believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The
woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of
signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for
it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

[Ed Palmer]

Two starving bums
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

Early Outs
The armed forces found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Colonel, Ex-Firebird Pilot who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis, to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Colonel insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Colonel to "drop 'em". Which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Colonel's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Colonel calmly replied "in Vietnam."

[Ed Palmer]

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM






PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER






ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER






DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT






THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS






SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY






ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT






SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S






A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE






ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

[sscjoe]

The North vs the South
The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions .

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: -- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Do
not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all 's'
is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying They can't
understand you, either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them
are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin'." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all watch this," , you should stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns. They
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had
kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

[Ed Palmer]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Ed Palmer]

Boudreaux and Clarence





Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don' lak at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"



Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife Marie say, "Now is you chance Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere an' beat up Clarence lak you say." Boudreaux say "ok" and start across de bridge but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and then he go back home.



Marie say, "Why you back so soon?" And Boudreaux say "Mais Marie, I done change my mind about beat up Clarence. You know Marie dey got a sign on dat bridge what say Clarence 13' 6". You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I su ppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Ed Palmer]

A disgruntled soldier was jaded with the inefficiency of the army. He
transferred to different regiments, only to be faced with constant displays
of ineptitude. As a last resort he tried the paratroopers, where things
looked to be improving. As he soared into the air for the first jump, his
instructor gathered all the trainees together. "There's nothing to this,
men. After you jump, count to ten and pull on your ripcord to open your
parachute. If that fails, you have an auxilliary chute. This is
activated by second ripcord, which you should pull after counting to five. We
will have a truck waiting close to the landing site to take you back to the base."

When he jumped out and counted to ten, he quickly discovered the rip
cord flapping freely in his hand.


When he pulled the second cord, it also detached itself. And as he
rocketed down past his startled comrades, they heard him yelling: "This
@&^%*?# army! They probably don't have a truck down there either!"

Sadly he never grasped the gravity of his situation.

[Ed Palmer]

WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN? Have a laugh and enjoy!!

Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people who read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN ( Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

[froggman]

I agree, and seeing as I love my Blue Channel Catfish Fried and then the batter used to make the Hush-puppies can not be beat!!! And I'm married to a Chitlin Woman, but she don't eat `em, I like mine with Corn tortillias. Semper Fi and again Thank ya for the Bday wish.

[Ed Palmer]

http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0geu7XJB45IAUMA7W1XNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTBybjFrcjV nBHNlYwNzcgRwb3MDNARjb2xvA2FjMgR2dGlkAw--/SIG=11vmke9lo/EXP=1217354057/**http%3a//www.webnme.com/endoftheinternet.html
You have clicked once too often!!

[froggman]

Be Careful what ya wish for
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[mcvet57103]

A guy pulls up in front of a bar in a Limo packed with beautiful women. Gets out and enters the bar with a 12 inch man setting on his shoulder. Sets down at the bar, throws a huge bundle of money on the Bar and says "I want to buy a round for everyone setting at the bar". The Barkeep sets everyone up, turns to get the money from the bundle, and as he counts it the 12 inch man jumps off his shoulder and runs down the bar tipping over every drink. Runs back and climbs back on the guys shoulder. The guy says "Set em up again." The barkeep does and the same thing happens again. So he says "Set em up again." The same thing happens again. This time the Barkeep says before I set em up again I want to know what the heck is going on. The guy explains, One day I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp. I rubbed it and a Geanie appeared and granted me three wishes. The first thing I wished for was an endless supply of money. The second thing I wished for was a Limo full of beautiful women. The Barkeep says,"Yes but what's with him?" Pointing at the 12 inch man. He says, "Oh Him, my third wish was for a 12 inch pr*ck and here he is."

[mcvet57103]

Wayside Chapel

An English lady, while moving to Switzerland, was looking for a room and asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any. He took her to several rooms and, when everything was arranged, the lady returned to her home to prepare for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly came to her that she had seen no water closet (toilet) around the place, so she immediately wrote to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a W.C. around.
The schoolmaster was a very poor master of English, so he asked the parish Priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover what the letters W.C. meant. The only solution they could find was “Wayside Chapel” the schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the lady seeking a W.C. with the room.
Dear Madam:
I take great comfort in informing you that W.C. is located 9 miles from the house, in the center of a beautiful grove of trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 200 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected in the summer months, I would suggest that you come in early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it; while others who can afford it go on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent, and the most delicate sound can be heard anywhere. I may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., for it was there she first met her husband. I can remember the rush for seats. And there were 10 people to a seat usually occupied by one, and it was a wonderful sight to see the expressions on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people feel it is a long wait.
My wife is very delicate and she can’t go regularly. It is almost a year since she went last. Naturally, it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to save the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all.
Hoping to have been of service, I remain.
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster

[samplrl]

The show is interesting to say the least. Obviously from a jr. enlisted slant. i.e. most officers are morons and more concerned with pleasing higher ups (KISS A$$s), sr. enlisted are only interested in the mundane seemingly trivial pursuits (A-HOLES), and the short timer’s constant *****ing ($HT BIRDS)! At any one snap shot in time, all are true.
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>
Seen the very end of the third one and what caught my attention was the radio chatter for the fire mission to “Steel Rain” and “Rolling Thunder”. (Threw me back in time to Papa Battery - in a heartbeat!)
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Anyone got the transcripts to that fire mission? Real fire mission or not, it was VERY close to what I remember and I could follow most of it after 25 years out.
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>
Nothing can wake up and old Gun Bunny faster than “Fire Mission…”
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Sgt. R.L. Sample
2^nd Mar Div, 5^th Battalion, 10^th Marines, Papa Battery. 82-85.
Ooh-Rah!

[Ed Palmer]

AP. Louisiana's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two LSU students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the
number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot
survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

[Ed Palmer]

4th of July Parade

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was watching the 4th of July Parade across from Bouligny Plaza, waiting to see their cousin, Sgt. Poulee Broussard, lead the National Guard Unit marching in dat parade.

Down Main Street they heard Poulee calling the cadence:

"I don't know but I've been told.....
There's a big Crawdad down in dat hole.
If I can't cook him before daylight....
Gona' eat him cold for supper tonight.
Sound-off.....Hup.....2, 3, 4.....Left-right....Left-right."

Boudreaux turned to Thibodeaux and asked, "Wat Poulee mean by Hup....2, 3, 4....Left-right....Left-right?"

Tib replied: "Hup is short for Hurry-Up... 2, 3. 4....
Poulee can't count pass 4....

Left-right...left-right....
He don't know what direction he want to go to!"

[mcvet57103]

And now you know about the afterlife!!!
>
>
>
> Sex After Death
>
> A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
>
> Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
>
> After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, "Ivy... Ivy..."
>
> "Is that you, Richard?"
>
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
>
> "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
>
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
>
> "Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!"
>
> "Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

[Ed Palmer]

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being
held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective
Boudreaux to investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree
main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de
Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in
person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved
when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

[Ed Palmer]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.


He said "Today, in churc h, I am