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Ed Palmer
04-14-08, 03:34 PM
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about
my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

jrhd97
04-14-08, 04:02 PM
A little girl is playing in the sandbox with her dad.
She sees two spiders copulating.

She asks her dad about what they are doing. He tells her they are making babies. She ponders this for a moment.

She then points to one spider and asks her dad " what kind is that?"
"It's a daddy long leg honey" her dad replies.

She thinks a minute and points to the other one and asks " well... what is that one?".
"Well that's a daddy long leg too"

The girl thinks on that for a minute then jumps up and grinds both spiders into the ground with her foot.
Her dad jumps up asking " What are you doing that for?"

The girl responds. " Well that may be OK for them folks in Massachusets, and it may be OK for them folks in California, but we aint gonna have that sheet here in Texas!"

Ed Palmer
04-21-08, 11:13 AM
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100,
the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer
Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The
cabby said, "I'd cover his azz up with that blanket before he catches
a cold."

davblay
04-22-08, 10:09 PM
Being as how I live in Tennessee I thought I'd save some of you guys the trouble! LMAO!
---------------------------------------------------------------



LIVING IN TENNESSEE


THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN TENNESSEE





Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.





There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Tennessee.





There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee , plus a couple no one's seen before.





If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.





Onced and Twiced are words.





It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.





People actually grow and eat okra.





'Fixinto' is one word.





There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.





Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!





Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'





DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'





You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.





You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.





You measure distance in minutes.





You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.





'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'





All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.





You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.





You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.





There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.





The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.





The first day of deer season is a national holiday.





100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.





Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World.'





A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.





A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . .. it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'





Fried catfish is the other white meat.





We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.





EVERYONE can't be a Tennessean; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

davblay
04-24-08, 10:32 AM
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES & SOLUTIONS


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED 2 TOOLS IN LIFE, WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Ed Palmer
04-27-08, 08:13 AM
After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his
temper many times costing her votes and finally escaping from her
overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked
off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year just after you lose the election." Then the soothsayer
looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this
news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
looked back, deep into the fortune te ller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked her the big question: "Will I be acquitted?"

LongLegs
04-27-08, 03:29 PM
HI Drifter,
How is all with you and family? Where is Sparrow. Have not talked to you guys in years. Let me know of the updates.

thedrifter
04-30-08, 09:09 AM
10 Best Things About Booze


1. It shines a light in the darkness.

“When I need a light inside me, I walk into a pub and drink 15 pints of beer.”

—Shane McGowan



It happens to everyone. You wake up submerged in a pitch black mood where the whole shebang seems an immense waste of time. When any and every move you could possibly make not only seems ill-advised, but a sure path to utter ruin.

Then you have a drink. You may have to force yourself to do it, because even drinking seems a big hassle. Suddenly the weight of the world shifts a little off your neck, not much, but enough to notice. Then you have another and, you know, things still suck, but it isn’t the end of the world, for crissakes. Then you have a third and a sliver of light pierces the gloom and you can actually make out the dim shapes of some of the good things around you. Six or seven more down the pipe and—Shazam!—you’re not only out of the pit of gloom, you’ve somehow managed to leap atop some gaudy and magnificent peak, surrounded by vast rolling plains of hope and opportunity.

Oh, sure, there will always be those who will shrill that it is false optimism driven by a chemical reaction in the brain, but so what? As any motivational speaker will tell you, a positive attitude, attained by whatever means, is the first step toward accomplishing anything of value.

Where there’s hooch, there’s hope.





2. It inflames the imagination.

“For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable—intoxication.”

—Friedrich Nietzsche



It’s no wonder teetotaler artists and writers are especially eager to rail against alcohol—drinking provides an unfair advantage. It’s steroids for the creative set. It not only allows you to look at something from a fresh angle, it pries open the door to the subconscious, the primordial muck from which all ideas spring.

The Roman philosopher Seneca said, “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness,” and he was dead right. Applied liberally, alcohol makes you go out of your mind, and by that I mean it allows you to poke your head out of whatever mental rut you’re trudging along in. Which is important, because that ditch doesn’t offer much of a view.

Granted, some of the sheen and shine will fall off those grand ideas come morning, but a few nuggets will almost always glitter from those ink-stained cocktail napkins.





3. It unites the tribe.

“The secret of drunkenness is that it insulates us in thought, whilst it unites us in feeling.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson



Thanks to TV, the Internet, cell phones, telecommuting, pharmaceuticals and video games, the average person presently spends more time physically alone than in any other era in human history. It’s an irony of the times—technology brought us out of the caves and into the cities and now it’s leading us back to the caves. We’ve been reduced to hermits shouting at one another from digital windows.

Which is no way to go through life, if you ask me. Communicating with a fellow human through fiber optics and satellite signals may be convenient, but it’s a sorry substitute for face-to-face contact.

There is nothing like alcohol to get you out of your cave and into the crowd. A handful of drinks and you suddenly feel the world could well benefit from your exalted presence. It makes you want to seek out human companionship, and once found, it sheds the veils behind which we hide. Put 20 strangers in a room and serve them water, and you’ll get some strained conversation at best. Give them booze and you’ve got yourself a party. Unrestrained laughter breaks the surface tension, friendships are formed, romance is sparked.

You’ll eventually return to your cave, to be sure, but perhaps you’ll bring someone back with you.





4. It makes you more human.

“In a world where there is a law against people ever showing their emotions, or ever releasing themselves from the grayness of their days, a drink is not a social tool. It is a thing you need in order to live.”

—Jimmy Breslin

During a typical day, the average person’s emotional pendulum swings perhaps ten degrees in either direction, from mild annoyance (spilling a cup of coffee on your desk) to mild amusement (a coworker spilling a cup of coffee in his lap). Baring your emotions, society has taught us, equates vulnerability, which is another word for weakness. We’re not only encouraged to keep our emotions off our sleeves, but buried deep inside, where they can keep our ulcers company. And there we are, glorified monkeys who learned to make machines, and now, for some inexplicable reason, we’re attempting to become those very machines.

Which is a sad state of affairs. The finest examples of humanity, all the great figures in history and legend, were men and women who roared through life with an excess of passion.

And there’s nothing like booze to fan the fires of passion that smolder within. It serves as an emotional catalyst, it gives that pendulum a shove, allowing it to swing in a broad arc. It lends you the energy and excuse to exercise the full gamut of human emotion, from righteous Moses-coming-down-the-mountain rage to deepest, purest romantic love. (And on a good evening, both within the space of five minutes.)

Sober, we are soulless robots and about as fun. Drunk, we are cavorting monkeys willing to have a good time. Which would you rather be?





5. It’s a sure path to adventure.

“It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where you’re going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.”

—Jim Morrison



Daring types once sought out adventure by setting out to the edges of civilization with loads of expedition gear. Now that the edges of civilization have overlapped, the bold must find adventure in familiar surroundings, they must eke it out of the commonplace.

For adventure to exist, two elements must be in place: risk and the courage to engage it. Alcohol provides both, in spades. Which is why the daring presently set out for the nearest bar and load up on booze.

Inebriation increases the possibility of adventure by pumping up the X Factor. No matter how well you become acquainted with the effects of drinking, there is always the possibility something unpredictable will happen, especially when you consider those around you are tempting the same fates with every lift of their glass.

Booze also lends you the necessary courage to face that inherent danger, it instills the confidence and devil-may-care attitude essential to taking that first step into the metaphorical jungle.

Now, some may decry this brand of bravery as “Dutch” or false courage, but what does it matter from which quarter courage springs? Do you think Genghis Khan gave a damn whether it was bloodlust, loyalty to his command, or a bellyful of fermented mare’s milk that encouraged his horseman to swoop down on a rival tribe?

Nowadays people crave the thrill of adventure but would prefer to do without the danger, which is ridiculous. That’s not adventure, that’s a ride at Disneyland.

Drinkers are risk takers, they’re willing to throw the dice, and don’t let modern society’s namby-pamby, play-it-safe ethos make you believe that’s a bad thing. Taking risks is what makes a life a life, as opposed to a life sentence.





6. It’s a fool-proof escape plan.

“Modern life is often a mechanical oppression and liquor is the only mechanical relief.”

—Ernest Hemingway



Your life is a prison. You, sir, live in a cage.

Hold on, you say. I love my life. I have a swell time! I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

Well, sure. I’m not saying it’s not a gilded cage with amenities galore, and I’m certain you’ve learned to play all sorts of delightful tunes when you artfully rattle the bars.

What I am saying is you are trapped in a prison of conformity and routine: you must go to work, you must pay your bills, you must feed your pets, you must be at certain places at certain times and if you aren’t then you’re going to have to find a new cage to live in.

The first thing getting drunk does is make you aware that you are in a cage. **** that job, you’ll think. It’s a ****ing drag. And **** going to your in-laws’ for Christmas, like you do every ******* year. And you sure as hell don’t want to go to church tomorrow. Suddenly you can see the bars, and I don’t mean the ones you’re drinking in.

The second thing it does is make you forget the cage exists. You get so wrapped up in the good times everything else seems a distant blur, a vague childhood memory where nothing much happened. Drink enough and you’ll have a hard time telling the cab driver on which street your cage is situated. Whoever said alcohol won’t drown your worries didn’t fill up the bathtub with enough booze.

Of course, employing alcohol to escape reality is vilified these days. Somehow it’s a terrible thing. The bars of the cage are there to protect you, they’ll tell you. What they don’t understand is that the thing you’re trying most to escape is right there in the cage with you. Namely, you.





7. It makes you pay.

“The hangover became a part of the day as well allowed-for as the Spanish siesta.”

—F. Scott Fitzgerald



I know what you’re thinking: “Why in high hell would a rabid proponent of drinking celebrate the hangover, of all things? Hangovers are the sworn enemy of drunkardom!”

I disagree. Hangovers are good things, and here’s why:

First, they provide a balance. Every Yin must have its Yang. I know it’s hard to appreciate that when you’re Yanging over the sink the morning after, but consider this—what sort of crowd would you find in the bars if it was all good times, if there was no punishment lurking behind the pleasure? A gang of fair-weather pussyfoots is what you’d have, and who wants those types getting in the way of your next drink?

Hangovers make drunks a tougher breed of character. The hangover is the mean older brother who toughens you up and teaches you how to fight back. Don’t believe me? Tell you what—you gather the gang from Starbucks and I’ll assemble the boys from Kelly’s Pub and we’ll meet in the parking lot. The caffeine crowd won’t even manage to throw a punch, they’ll be too busy texting the cops: OMG! DRNKS TACKNG US! HLP!

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, hangovers teach the art of the rebound. It instills the idea that if you grit your teeth and fight through the pain, soon enough you’ll be able to get back up and start swinging again.

You can’t keep a drunk down. Especially once Happy Hour rolls around.





8. It imparts self awareness.

“It is most absurdly said that a man is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety.”

—Thomas de Quincy



It’s crazy. People attend seminars, meditate, indulge in astrology, consult palm readers and take any number of personality tests, all in an attempt to figure out who they truly are. All those poor souls are walking around wondering, “Who and what am I really?” When all they need to do is get good and stinking drunk.

Nothing reveals your inner nature, to yourself and those lucky enough to be around you, like a good booze-up. Drink by drink, alcohol strips away all those carefully applied layers of deceit. It knocks loose the gaudy ornaments of pretension and affectation, finally laying bare what hides beneath.

I’m going to say it flat out: anyone who’s never been drunk doesn’t know a damn thing about themselves. All they know is the conscious voice in their head, and that voice is an expert liar. It’s only when that preacher is shoved off the podium—so the that the rest of the congregation can speak—that you become aware of the true dogma of the self.

Drunks have a very fine understanding of their true selves. They are keenly aware of every dimension of their psyche—they’ve sung with their angels and raged with their devils. They’ve examined that inner face from so many different angles they can render an accurate sculpture from memory, flaws and all.

Which is important, because as Plutarch preached, you cannot entirely love someone until you entirely know them.

Which brings up the next best thing about boozing.





9. It allows you to believe you are a better person than you ever imagined you were.

“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have the second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there’s no holding me.”

—William Faulkner



Ever notice how drunks rarely seem to mind being the center of attention? Not only don’t they mind, they practically demand it, even if it means breaking your things and yelling at the top of their lungs.

Why would this be so? Because when you’re drunk you’re certain you deserve the spotlight. You might be the shyest, most reticent mouse while sober, but load you up with enough liquor and you’re John Barrymore shouting Shakespeare, however unintelligibly.

Booze burnishes to a high gleam every quality you’re lucky enough to possess, and some you weren’t even aware you had claim to. It certainly makes you more generous—there isn’t a barista on earth that makes as much as a bartender. It elevates your sense of humor, surely—no one laughs at a bad joke like a drunk. It reveals you to be an expert dancer, deft conversationalist, brilliant philosopher, gifted singer and the most sensual of lovers. And good looking? You’re so damned handsome you’d have to beat the girls off with a stick if they weren’t so intimidated by your sheer, well, handsomeness. And tough—you’re so hard you could deck half the guys in the room with a single punch if they’d just stay still for a ******* minute.

Alcohol lets you love yourself. And I say that’s a fine thing. Everyone should feel that way every now and then. Why must you go through life acting like an accountant or salesman or carpenter, just because that’s what you do for a living?

Why should only kings get to feel like kings?





10. It brings the joy.

“Why on earth aren’t people continually drunk? I want ecstasy of the mind all the time.”

—Jack Kerouac



There isn’t enough joy in the world, and that’s a fact. If there was, alcohol would have been dismissed as a mere disinfectant long ago.

I know, I know—we should just get “high on life” and then we wouldn’t have to bother with the booze. And I’ve noticed that it seems to work for some people. What I’ve also noticed is those people all seem a little, well, insane.

I’m not saying there isn’t plenty of opportunity for “highness” in the sober world, I’m just saying those instances are too few and far between. Think about it: how often do you feel genuine unbridled glee while sober? Once or twice a week? You can’t count on it. You can’t expect the neighborhood kids to launch a glorious foul ball right through the living room window of your ******* neighbor every day of the week. No matter how much you pay them.

It always amuses me when I read about some hand-wringing do-gooder wondering why-oh-why do seemingly sensible people pursue alcohol with such fervor. What dark motivation, what genetic flaw must drive them? What the Drys don’t seem able to grasp is that a drinker can walk into a bar, and a handful of transactions later, attain the same level of euphoria that the teetotaler would have to strangle a half dozen or so kittens to achieve.

It’s joy on demand. Your fifth drink goes down and a sense of well-being rises up. Then, as the night reels along, the feeling expands to a real sense of euphoria. There’s nothing fake about it. It’s a three-pronged attack: you feel good because stress is released, self-image is elevated, and your inhibitions get the old heave-ho.

And what a joyful feeling it is, knowing that joy is always and only a walk to the bar away.

—Frank Kelly Rich

Ellie

Ed Palmer
05-03-08, 09:27 AM
$600 Rebate Check


The federal government is sending some of you a $600 rebate.

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.


If you purchase a computer it will go to India.


If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras, and Guatemala.


If you use it for down-payment on a good car it will go to Japan.


If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, beer, and Jack Daniels since these are the only products still produced in the US ..

Ed Palmer
05-03-08, 09:29 AM
Note found on the refrigerator one morning:



My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have

certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no

longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value

you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this

letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret

the fact that I will be spending the evening with my

18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'



When the man came home late that night, he found the

following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you

for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I

would like to take this opportunity to remind you

that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a

math teacher at our local college. I would like to

inform you that while you read this, I will be at

the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,

who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,

virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent

knowledge of math, you will understand that we are

in the same situation, although with one small

difference - 18 goes into 54 more times than

54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home

until sometime tomorrow.

Ed Palmer
05-05-08, 07:47 AM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shiit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

jrhd97
05-08-08, 10:21 AM
When You've Been Married Too Long

Three women:

one engaged, one married and one a Mistress, are chatting about their
relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will
wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for Lunch.

The engaged Woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a Black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You
are The woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night
Long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was Wearing
the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes a nd a raincoat. When I
Opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
Night.

The married Woman:
I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my
husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
Stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and
saw me he Said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Ed Palmer
05-09-08, 10:33 AM
If you receive an e-mail entitled 'Bedtimes,' delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do
not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of
your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the
tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call
only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.


IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If
the 'Bedtimes' message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub of water. It will not only remove the forbidden
tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk
with whole milk.
***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!


THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17
Million people are having SEX!!!

And look at you -- you're FOOLING around on the computer!!!!

mcvet57103
05-10-08, 10:32 AM
The Funnies: A Compendium of Puntifications

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

14. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

17. I didn't know where the sun went at night, so I stayed up thinking about it until it dawned on me.

18. I knew she was bulimic so I tried not to talk about food, but she kept bringing it up!

thedrifter
05-16-08, 10:41 AM
Drug Test

A man named Jed had a job which subjected him to random drug and
alcohol
checks. One day his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician

notified him that he tested positive for drugs.

Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent
for an interview with the company doctor.

During his interview, the doctor asked him to account for his activity
the previous night.

Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a

ball game with his teammates.

He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers
left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.

He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and
bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.

The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"

Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became
quite
amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to
perform on her.

"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.

"Sure I did," answered Jed "Why, what's the matter?"

"Well, said the doctor, that's why you tested positive. That was a
bar*****youate."

Wyoming
05-16-08, 06:42 PM
MS ELLIE!!!!

:D

thedrifter
05-21-08, 10:53 AM
Married Life

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when

the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite

some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it
down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over

and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving
voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.

Ellie

mddruss
05-21-08, 01:16 PM
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!" <!--/gc-->

Ed Palmer
05-22-08, 04:20 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_3903469609000001web65502_mail_a.gif

Ed Palmer
06-02-08, 01:19 PM
A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every
year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun
to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty!
If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going
bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

thedrifter
06-02-08, 03:01 PM
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wpred/2008/wpred080602.gif

Ed Palmer
06-03-08, 02:32 PM
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?� I said, `No, sir.
I�m too scared.� So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I�m sticking this little baby up your ass.�" "So, did you jump?"
asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first.

thedrifter
06-03-08, 02:47 PM
The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

jrhd97
06-04-08, 09:34 AM
>
> A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest
> >
> > Airlines from Dallas , TX to Chicago . The little boy (who had
been
> >
> > looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big
dogs
> >
> > have baby dogs,and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
airplanes
> >
> > have baby airplanes?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told
> >
> > her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went
> >
> > down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
> >
> >
> >
> > The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and
said,
> >
> > 'Did your Mom tell you to ask
> >
> > me?' The boy said, 'yes she did.'
>
> >
> > 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
> >
> > airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your
Mom
> >
> > explain that to you.'

jrhd97
06-04-08, 09:51 AM
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were
flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."

Ed Palmer
06-06-08, 01:35 PM
It's barely dawn and the telephone rings: 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylormade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .

LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!'

thedrifter
06-09-08, 10:57 AM
Therapy

A husband and wife went in for counseling after 47 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 47 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

Ed Palmer
06-09-08, 11:14 AM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

thedrifter
06-11-08, 07:08 AM
When to start cussing...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time
we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6
year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6
year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I
guess I'll have some Cheerios.'



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks
him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old
and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
ma n?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't
be Cheerios!'

thedrifter
06-12-08, 07:16 AM
Funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the ****ing wall!"

Ed Palmer
06-16-08, 03:05 PM
I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her but thought it would
be a cheap night for you.

Ed Palmer
06-18-08, 08:47 AM
hot and cold sex





After his exam the
doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do
you have
any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex
with my wife I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex
with her
the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that
you would
like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after
having sex
with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you
k now why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because
the first time is usually in January and the second time is in
August."

thedrifter
06-19-08, 11:25 AM
Pilot Jokes
The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

Q&A

Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.


The Three Pilots


Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.


The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."


The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."


The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."


The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.




“My Wife . . . .”


A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.


As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General

shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a *****house!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."

Ed Palmer
06-19-08, 01:46 PM
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided
to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn
comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during
Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

Ed Palmer
06-20-08, 02:45 PM
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves
on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined
at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft
please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every
year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the
history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British cr*p," says Joe. "Hamburgers &
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and

rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.


Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

thedrifter
06-23-08, 07:45 AM
The Navy Invented Sex?

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

Ed Palmer
06-23-08, 11:15 AM
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it
safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

thedrifter
06-24-08, 06:59 AM
Men Are Just Simpler and Happier People


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

< U>CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful w oman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FO R THE DAY FROM ALL THIS

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

thedrifter
06-24-08, 10:10 AM
Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and! the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!!

thedrifter
06-26-08, 09:35 AM
Seals vs. Green Beret

Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it.

When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and ****ing in cokes?"

Ed Palmer
06-27-08, 01:18 PM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did
anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..


"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

Ed Palmer
06-27-08, 05:16 PM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all

led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go

back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."



The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.



The second says, "I want to be Madonna;"



and *poof* she's gone.





The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."




St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

ring a bell."





The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says.


"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months

Ed Palmer
06-28-08, 08:09 AM
Apple announced today
that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

thedrifter
06-28-08, 02:46 PM
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this
story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep
breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing
idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.

Phantom Blooper
06-30-08, 05:24 AM
A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2,000.00 a year!! When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure it in that province. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00'. The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap to insure it in Newfoundland, when it cost them $2000.00 in Ontario! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,.....here it is on the screen,......it says: 'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it is $39.00:banana:

Ed Palmer
07-01-08, 08:17 AM
Nudist Colony


A man joined a very exclusive
nudist colony. On his first day he took
off his clothes and started to
wander around the area. A gorgeous petite
blonde walked by, and the man
immediately got an erection.



The womannoticed his erection, came over to
him and asked,





did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No,
what do you mean?' She said,





'You must be new here.





Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it
implies you called for me.





' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the
swimming pool,





laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to
her and
happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man
continued to explore the colony's facilities.





He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he
farted.





Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of
the steam room toward him.





'Did you call for me?'asked the hairy
man.





'No, what do you mean?' replied the
newcomer.





'You must be new.' answered the hairy man,





'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you
called for me.





' The huge man easily spun him around, put him
over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered
back to the colony office where he was greeted by
a smiling, naked
receptionist,





'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership
card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership
fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours.
You haven't
had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen
lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a
month,





but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta
here.'

Ed Palmer
07-01-08, 10:31 AM
Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and
found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man
approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon
-- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.'

The clerk winked -- 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then
replied, 'Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to
her ears til she gits used to it.'

ecfree
07-06-08, 05:23 PM
An old Italian lived in New Jersey.He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,but it was very difficult work,as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent,who used to help him,was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I wont be able to plant my garden this year.I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me,like in the old days.
Love,Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.That's where the bodys are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.they apologized to the old man and left.




Later that same day the old man received a telegram from his son.


Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the cercumstances.
Love you,Vinnie

sscjoe
07-08-08, 10:16 AM
A cop was patrolling just before midnight in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this s urprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to wards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

thedrifter
07-09-08, 07:57 PM
Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

sscjoe
07-10-08, 09:02 AM
http://f305.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f145148%5fAHXIjkQAAM0pSHWHoA3ETyK% 2bEdY&pid=7&fid=Inbox&inline=1
http://f305.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f145148%5fAHXIjkQAAM0pSHWHoA3ETyK% 2bEdY&pid=8&fid=Inbox&inline=1
http://f305.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f145148%5fAHXIjkQAAM0pSHWHoA3ETyK% 2bEdY&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

sscjoe
07-10-08, 09:04 AM
Old men can still think fast !!

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables,
A barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
Was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
Closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he
Approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man
Frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make
You get out of the pond naked." holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral:- Old men can still think fast !!

Ed Palmer
07-10-08, 02:44 PM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister,
and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with
saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do
him,
Doctor? "

It'll keep the sheets off his legs.

NamNuts
07-10-08, 03:18 PM
A lil girl(6) is walking on a beach and some how walks into a Nudist beach, where she promptly comes across a man layed out, face up with his tally whacker flappin in the breeze!

The Lil girl walks over and asked the man whats that...pointing to his tally whacker. He replies..thats my duck!

Lil girl: says duck...oh I love ducks. Can i pet your duck?

Man: No, little girl he's sleeping, go away now!

Lil Girl: Oh come on I won't wake him up!

Man: No...now go away! I'm going to take a nap, just like my ducky!

Lil girl walks away......

Few hours later the man wakes up with a gawd awful burning in his croch and a massave throbing and sirens blaring and he's in an ambulance! Looks up to see the lil girl sitting near him in the ambulance!

Man: Gawd damnit, lil girl what the hell happened..?

Lil Girl: Well after you fell asleep...I came back to pet your duck, and I did! But he must of woke up! And I guess it was mad, cuz when i petted him he spit at me...ahhhh whole bunch!!!

So, i got mad and reached down and:
BROKE ITS NECK...CRUSHED ITS EGGS.....AND BURNED ITS NEST!!!!

thedrifter
07-14-08, 07:15 AM
Sneezes

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a
plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he
is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't
believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The
woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of
signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for
it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

Ed Palmer
07-14-08, 03:30 PM
Two starving bums
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

Ed Palmer
07-15-08, 04:34 PM
Early Outs
The armed forces found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Colonel, Ex-Firebird Pilot who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis, to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Colonel insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Colonel to "drop 'em". Which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Colonel's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Colonel calmly replied "in Vietnam."

Ed Palmer
07-16-08, 08:22 AM
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM






PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER






ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER






DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT






THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS






SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY






ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT






SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S






A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE






ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

sscjoe
07-16-08, 03:47 PM
The North vs the South
The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions .

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: -- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Do
not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all 's'
is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying They can't
understand you, either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them
are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin'." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all watch this," , you should stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns. They
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had
kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

Ed Palmer
07-16-08, 06:46 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Ed Palmer
07-23-08, 08:30 AM
Boudreaux and Clarence





Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don' lak at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"



Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife Marie say, "Now is you chance Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere an' beat up Clarence lak you say." Boudreaux say "ok" and start across de bridge but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and then he go back home.



Marie say, "Why you back so soon?" And Boudreaux say "Mais Marie, I done change my mind about beat up Clarence. You know Marie dey got a sign on dat bridge what say Clarence 13' 6". You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou!"

Ed Palmer
07-23-08, 08:35 AM
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I su ppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Ed Palmer
07-23-08, 12:59 PM
A disgruntled soldier was jaded with the inefficiency of the army. He
transferred to different regiments, only to be faced with constant displays
of ineptitude. As a last resort he tried the paratroopers, where things
looked to be improving. As he soared into the air for the first jump, his
instructor gathered all the trainees together. "There's nothing to this,
men. After you jump, count to ten and pull on your ripcord to open your
parachute. If that fails, you have an auxilliary chute. This is
activated by second ripcord, which you should pull after counting to five. We
will have a truck waiting close to the landing site to take you back to the base."

When he jumped out and counted to ten, he quickly discovered the rip
cord flapping freely in his hand.


When he pulled the second cord, it also detached itself. And as he
rocketed down past his startled comrades, they heard him yelling: "This
@&^%*?# army! They probably don't have a truck down there either!"

Sadly he never grasped the gravity of his situation.

Ed Palmer
07-26-08, 04:59 PM
WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN? Have a laugh and enjoy!!

Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people who read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN ( Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

froggman
07-26-08, 08:33 PM
I agree, and seeing as I love my Blue Channel Catfish Fried and then the batter used to make the Hush-puppies can not be beat!!! And I'm married to a Chitlin Woman, but she don't eat `em, I like mine with Corn tortillias. Semper Fi and again Thank ya for the Bday wish.

Ed Palmer
07-28-08, 12:58 PM
http://rds.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0geu7XJB45IAUMA7W1XNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTBybjFrcjV nBHNlYwNzcgRwb3MDNARjb2xvA2FjMgR2dGlkAw--/SIG=11vmke9lo/EXP=1217354057/**http%3a//www.webnme.com/endoftheinternet.html
You have clicked once too often!!

froggman
07-28-08, 01:14 PM
Be Careful what ya wish for
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

mcvet57103
07-28-08, 09:12 PM
A guy pulls up in front of a bar in a Limo packed with beautiful women. Gets out and enters the bar with a 12 inch man setting on his shoulder. Sets down at the bar, throws a huge bundle of money on the Bar and says "I want to buy a round for everyone setting at the bar". The Barkeep sets everyone up, turns to get the money from the bundle, and as he counts it the 12 inch man jumps off his shoulder and runs down the bar tipping over every drink. Runs back and climbs back on the guys shoulder. The guy says "Set em up again." The barkeep does and the same thing happens again. So he says "Set em up again." The same thing happens again. This time the Barkeep says before I set em up again I want to know what the heck is going on. The guy explains, One day I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp. I rubbed it and a Geanie appeared and granted me three wishes. The first thing I wished for was an endless supply of money. The second thing I wished for was a Limo full of beautiful women. The Barkeep says,"Yes but what's with him?" Pointing at the 12 inch man. He says, "Oh Him, my third wish was for a 12 inch pr*ck and here he is."

mcvet57103
07-29-08, 06:32 PM
Wayside Chapel

An English lady, while moving to Switzerland, was looking for a room and asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any. He took her to several rooms and, when everything was arranged, the lady returned to her home to prepare for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly came to her that she had seen no water closet (toilet) around the place, so she immediately wrote to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a W.C. around.
The schoolmaster was a very poor master of English, so he asked the parish Priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover what the letters W.C. meant. The only solution they could find was “Wayside Chapel” the schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the lady seeking a W.C. with the room.
Dear Madam:
I take great comfort in informing you that W.C. is located 9 miles from the house, in the center of a beautiful grove of trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 200 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected in the summer months, I would suggest that you come in early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it; while others who can afford it go on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent, and the most delicate sound can be heard anywhere. I may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., for it was there she first met her husband. I can remember the rush for seats. And there were 10 people to a seat usually occupied by one, and it was a wonderful sight to see the expressions on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people feel it is a long wait.
My wife is very delicate and she can’t go regularly. It is almost a year since she went last. Naturally, it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to save the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all.
Hoping to have been of service, I remain.
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster

samplrl
07-30-08, 01:56 PM
The show is interesting to say the least. Obviously from a jr. enlisted slant. i.e. most officers are morons and more concerned with pleasing higher ups (KISS A$$s), sr. enlisted are only interested in the mundane seemingly trivial pursuits (A-HOLES), and the short timer’s constant *****ing ($HT BIRDS)! At any one snap shot in time, all are true.
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Seen the very end of the third one and what caught my attention was the radio chatter for the fire mission to “Steel Rain” and “Rolling Thunder”. (Threw me back in time to Papa Battery - in a heartbeat!)
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Anyone got the transcripts to that fire mission? Real fire mission or not, it was VERY close to what I remember and I could follow most of it after 25 years out.
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Nothing can wake up and old Gun Bunny faster than “Fire Mission…”
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Sgt. R.L. Sample
2<sup>nd</sup> Mar Div, 5<sup>th</sup> Battalion, 10<sup>th</sup> Marines, Papa Battery. 82-85.
Ooh-Rah!

Ed Palmer
07-30-08, 05:53 PM
AP. Louisiana's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two LSU students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the
number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot
survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Ed Palmer
07-30-08, 05:55 PM
4th of July Parade

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was watching the 4th of July Parade across from Bouligny Plaza, waiting to see their cousin, Sgt. Poulee Broussard, lead the National Guard Unit marching in dat parade.

Down Main Street they heard Poulee calling the cadence:

"I don't know but I've been told.....
There's a big Crawdad down in dat hole.
If I can't cook him before daylight....
Gona' eat him cold for supper tonight.
Sound-off.....Hup.....2, 3, 4.....Left-right....Left-right."

Boudreaux turned to Thibodeaux and asked, "Wat Poulee mean by Hup....2, 3, 4....Left-right....Left-right?"

Tib replied: "Hup is short for Hurry-Up... 2, 3. 4....
Poulee can't count pass 4....

Left-right...left-right....
He don't know what direction he want to go to!"

mcvet57103
08-01-08, 09:38 PM
And now you know about the afterlife!!!
>
>
>
> Sex After Death
>
> A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
>
> Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
>
> After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, "Ivy... Ivy..."
>
> "Is that you, Richard?"
>
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
>
> "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
>
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
>
> "Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!"
>
> "Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Ed Palmer
08-02-08, 05:48 PM
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being
held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective
Boudreaux to investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree
main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de
Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight in
person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved
when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

Ed Palmer
08-02-08, 07:13 PM
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.


He said "Today, in churc h, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound"

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid t o say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).


Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.


Laugh... it burns calories.

thedrifter
08-05-08, 06:55 AM
Mergers

As you know, the stock market has not been in the greatest shape lately. It seems that, because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and
acquisitions.

Here are a few to keep an eye on:

1. XEROX and WURLITZER.
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS.
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER.
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS.
(The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR.
(The new company will be called MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE.
(The new company will be called Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL.
(The new company will be called Honey,Im Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING.
(The new company will be called Mine All Mine)

9. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS.
(The new company will be called Poupon Pants)

10. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN.
(The new company will be called Knott NOW)

11. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING.
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

Ed Palmer
08-15-08, 09:06 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image_222.jpg

Sgt Baker
08-17-08, 10:10 AM
Sorry! Wrong Place!

thedrifter
08-21-08, 03:50 PM
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

I got this funny story in a chain mail: ;)

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

thedrifter
08-21-08, 03:55 PM
Frank Sinatra (Like you've never heard him);)

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

Phantom Blooper
09-01-08, 10:07 AM
Two old Marines are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

'Ya know,when I was thirty and got an erection,

I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.'

'So,' says the second Marine, 'what's your point?'

'Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.':beer:

:evilgrin:

Sgt Baker
09-04-08, 06:13 AM
An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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Ed Palmer
09-05-08, 08:16 AM
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

'Feathers show number of sexual partners,' the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued,


'Him? One woman, one feather. Him?' pointing to a second, older man, 'Three women, three feathers.'

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. 'But you have so many feathers!'

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. 'Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall.'

Horrified, the female reporter said, 'You ought to be hung!'

The Chief said, 'Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.'

The offended reporter said, 'You don't have to be hostile!'

The Chief replied, 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!'

The reporter cried, 'Oh, dear!'

'No deer', said the Chief. 'Ass too high, run too fast!'

Ed Palmer
09-09-08, 07:57 AM
HOW TO INSTALL A KENTUCKY HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns
&Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went to
the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls --
they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer
took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Ed Palmer
09-09-08, 08:00 AM
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling *******s here.
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

NEW YORKERS (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS!

Ed Palmer
09-10-08, 08:38 AM
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only ,3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So they buried Debbie

mcvet57103
09-10-08, 08:28 PM
A man, a sheep, and a dog become shipwrecked on a desert island.
After some time of no sex the man starts to think the sheep looks good.
Finally he can't resist and grabs the sheep, but before he can have his way the dog grabs him by the a$$ and holds him back.
After several months of trying to have the sheep and the dog stopping him, he is walking the beach one day and finds a beautiful half naked woman unconscience washed up on shore.
He nurses her back to health. She awakens to find him looking down at her.
She says "Where am I". He replys "I found you on the beach and nursed you back to health".
She says "How can I ever repay you?"
He smiles and looks down at her slender, sexy, body, looks her in the eye, and says, "Do you think you could hold that dog for a while?"

thedrifter
09-12-08, 01:59 PM
College Football North vs. South

An oldie but goodie for college football fans, especially those who live in the south.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip in the South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories: NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size: NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. SOUTH: High school foot ball stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers: NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor: NORTH: Statues of founding fathers. SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen: NORTH: Also a physics major. SOUTH: Also Miss America .

Heroes: NORTH: Rudy Giuliani SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets: NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus. SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game: NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday. SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking: NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking. SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day: NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting 'Game Day Live' to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why 'Game Day Live' is never Broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating: NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,... Who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium: NORTH: You ask 'Where's the stadium?' When you find it, you walk right in. SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city.

Concessions: NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played: NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score: NORTH: Nothing changes. SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male): NORTH: 'Nice play.' SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs.'

Commentary (Female): NORTH: 'My, this certainly is a violent sport.' SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs.'

Announcers: NORTH: Neutral and paid. SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game: NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football! And for SEC Fans:

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA : It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA : It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY : It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE : It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, ' GO TO HELL, OLE MISS'.

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA : It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas .

Ed Palmer
09-14-08, 03:33 PM
Harold was an old Retired Navy Chief Engineman. He was sick and was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the apple juice off his breakfast tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a urine
bottle to fill for testing. So.....you know where the juice went.
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....." At this, the Chief snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Harold just smiled......Typical Chief!

thedrifter
09-16-08, 10:50 AM
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked
yourself what cartoon character you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of
well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was
gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add
up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the
end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done .

Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to
you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Par k ( 2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert ( 1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you
could only choose one?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. How do you spend your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain (5 pts)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
d) Hawaii (4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With whom of the following would you prefer to spend time?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back
to the person that sent this to you.

Very interesting to see 'who' your friends are!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have
fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you
are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see
things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what
is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always kn ow what's in
and you're never out of style, you are good at knowing how to satisfy
everyone else. You have probably disappe ared for a few days more than
once but you always come home with the family values that you learned.
Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you
have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give
advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you
always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be
too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in
your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend
that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause
harm to anyone and they would never misunderstand your feelings. Life is
a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors
and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in l ove quickly but you are also very serious
about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every
Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays.
Don't confuse your passion with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with
a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family
principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation
when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice
things up a bit with spontaneity!

Sgt Baker
09-18-08, 07:33 AM
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not
sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

'Yesterday we were campaigning....

Today you voted.'

Ed Palmer
09-19-08, 08:27 AM
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

thedrifter
09-22-08, 12:16 PM
Maybe Now People Can Stop Asking...;)

thedrifter
09-22-08, 02:33 PM
Lookalikes;)

http://www.cosmictribune.org/lookalikes.htm

Ed Palmer
09-22-08, 02:42 PM
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a
check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old
guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and
out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure
that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80
years old and your Dad's still alive.
How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old
Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless
beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's
still alive.He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's
great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was
he when he died?'
'Who said my grandpa's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80
years old and your
grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy
want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?

thedrifter
09-23-08, 08:24 AM
Army vs Marines

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6d-v2XDpLAo

thedrifter
09-23-08, 08:56 AM
Cokes and Shoes

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

thedrifter
09-23-08, 08:57 AM
Counting in Chinese

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"

"God dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the
radio."

A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"

"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole ****load of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

thedrifter
09-23-08, 09:23 AM
AUNT KAREN

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Tony, do you have a story to share?' Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a USMC pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens ' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

Stay the **** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'

thedrifter
09-23-08, 03:05 PM
100 Movies, 100 Quotes, 100 Numbers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FExqG6LdWHU

Ed Palmer
09-24-08, 11:52 AM
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:


CHEESEBURGER: $1.50


CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50


HAND JOB: $100.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.


'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'


'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady
who gives the hand-jobs?'


'Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.'


The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.

thedrifter
09-24-08, 07:07 PM
The Broken Lawnmower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
And the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
Hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
Had something else to take care of first: the truck, The car, email,
Fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Ed Palmer
09-25-08, 08:13 AM
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buyin g one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

thedrifter
09-26-08, 11:00 AM
A Little JOTD To Lighten Your Mood

Three boys were out fishing one morning, and NObama was out jogging along the adjacent parkway when he tripped and fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service could get to him, the boys saw him thrashing around in the water and pulled him out of the creek. He was so grateful he offered them whatever they wanted. The first said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Nobama replied, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second one said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Nobama said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"

The third boy said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"

Nobama was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The boy replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

thedrifter
09-26-08, 11:01 AM
The Great McCain vs. Obama Ice Fishing Contest

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their daily catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned but he had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another “bad hair” day or something and, hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, “Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, no-good, cheating, son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.”

The next night after John McCain returns with 50 fish, Reid said to Obama, “Well, tell me, son, how is John McCain cheating?’”

Obama replied, “Harry, you’re not going to believe this, but he’s cutting holes in the ice!”

thedrifter
09-26-08, 11:08 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Ed Palmer
09-26-08, 01:25 PM
After Being Married For 44 Years, I Took A Careful Look At My Wife One Day And Said, 'honey, 44 Years Ago We Had A Cheap Apartment, A Cheap Car, Slept On A Sofa Bed And Watched A 10-inch Black And White Tv, But I Got To Sleep Every Night With A Hot 21-year-old Gal.

Now I Have A $500,000.00 Home, A $45,000.00 Car, A Nice Big Bed And A Plasma Screen Tv, But I'm Sleeping With A 65-year-old Woman. It Seems To Me That You're Not Holding Up Your Side Of Things.'

My Wife Is A Very Reasonable Woman. She Told Me To Go Out And Find A Hot 21-year-old Gal, And She Would Make Sure That I Would Once Again Be Living In A Cheap Apartment, Driving A Cheap Car, Sleeping On A Sofa Bed, And Watching A 10-inch Black And White Tv.

Aren't Older Women Great? They Really Know How To Solve Your Mid-life Crisis.

Ed Palmer
09-27-08, 01:56 PM
The Maid asked for a raise.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

She got the pay raise...

Ed Palmer
09-27-08, 02:03 PM
Sausage

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son nemed Ed, around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes Ed, we call it your mother."

Ed Palmer
09-27-08, 02:06 PM
The Raid

The police precinct captain had been ordered to raid the local bordello, something which was an embarrassment to him and his men, for they patronized it themselves on occasion. As a result, they were friendly with the madam.

The captain therefore rang up the establishment and found that all the girls, and the madam too, were off on a picnic and that the place was closed.

There was only the cleaning lady to answer the phone.

"Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because it won't be safe to call again. Tell the madam that tomorrow we've got to stage a surprise raid on the place. When we come, however, we'll honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, then go round the block a third time, and then we'll come dashing in. By that time, we want everyone safely out of the place. Understand?"

The custodian said she did, but of course, being a typical blonde, she didn't, and the madam never received the message.

The next day it was "business as usual" at the bordello establishment.

The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their plan, arrived, honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled, and then charged in.

As they dashed up the stairs with the captain at the head, they collided with two nude girls who were hastening down the stairs with a mattress between them.

The captain roared, "What the devil are you two girls doing?"

"Don't blame us!" cried one of the girls indignantly. "Some jerk outside is honking for curb service."

thedrifter
10-01-08, 11:05 AM
State Motto's

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Some Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, Extreme Left wingers And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Literally!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!

Phantom Blooper
10-02-08, 10:13 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
Young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This
Too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
Little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has
No idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy
From school and go get dinner.'
:evilgrin:

thedrifter
10-03-08, 11:18 AM
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts” -Jeff Foxworthy

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -Groucho Marx

“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.” -Unknown

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” -Rodney Dangerfield

“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.” -Minnie Pearl

"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson

“They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.” -H.L. Mencken

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -Rodney Dangerfield

“No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.” -H.L. Mencken

“A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.” -Grace Hansen

“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.” -Lawrence Housman

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand

“My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.” -Armistead Maupin

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck

“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran

thedrifter
10-03-08, 11:19 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for >10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave underarms and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a bedspread.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair (with bar soap).
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Find the remote – ITS GAME TIME!

thedrifter
10-03-08, 11:20 AM
“Handling A Wife”


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’ t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put o n this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

thedrifter
10-03-08, 11:21 AM
Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of ‘no discipline,’ I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few second s of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk..

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead i f I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, ‘what goes in must come out’ and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.

Having discovered his ‘packages’ on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: ‘How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.’

And how was your day?

thedrifter
10-03-08, 11:22 AM
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man “Holy CRAP, That must be my husband!”

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I am your husband!”

The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”

And that folks............is how the fight started.

thedrifter
10-03-08, 11:22 AM
A man who had been doing chores around the house all day was feeling stiff and sore. His wife, who was very pleased at her husband's initiative, decided to reward him by drawing him a hot bath, serving him a nice Rye whiskey, and joining him later for some extra fun.

The husband was quite happy to be pampered in this manner, so he lay in the tub, and called out for his wife to bring him his drink.

She said: If there's anything else I can do for you dear, just call for it, and I'll be happy to bring it up to you.

As soon as he heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, he let out a long, burbly bathtub fart, which produced enough stink filled bubbles to fog up the entire bathroom.

Moments later, his wife enters the room with a hot water bottle.

The confused husband looks up and says: What on earth gave you the idea that I needed a hot water bottle?

She answers: Didn't you just say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle?"

thedrifter
10-06-08, 03:23 PM
Fourth Marriage

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent,20 if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be , but nothing ever happened..'

thedrifter
10-09-08, 03:22 PM
Getting a Parking Ticket (Humor)
October 9, 2008 | Gyspy286

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in '08.

Wish I could take credit for this but it was sent to me via email by a friend of mine.

Phantom Blooper
10-12-08, 11:01 AM
A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike and runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl. The biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing really. The lion was behind bars and I just saw this little kid in danger and I acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well I’m a journalist from the New York Times and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys the New York Times to see if indeed brings news of his actions and reads the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

:evilgrin:

thedrifter
10-13-08, 06:36 AM
Wisdom From Avaition/Military Manuals



"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

thedrifter
10-13-08, 06:38 AM
Fully Accessorized Rifle;)

thedrifter
10-15-08, 02:49 PM
Max Security PRISON BREAK * Caught on Tape *

Inmate cleverly escapes from Max Security Prison... I normally don't like to give inmates credit but this one probably deserves to be free after pulling this one off...

This inmate is still at large !;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1hY3Rg9a6s

NamNuts
10-17-08, 10:03 AM
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, ''Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, ''Now I can die content.''

Charlie Gibson said, ''I live in New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me' one last time..'' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, ''I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, ''Now I can die happy.''

The leader turned and said, ''And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?''

''Kick me in the ass,'' said the Marine.

''What?'' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?''

''No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,'' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, ''Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?''

''What!?!'' replied the Marine, ''and have you three *******s report that I was the aggressor?''

thedrifter
10-22-08, 06:51 AM
Brokeback Spiders

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.

As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in nature had caught her eye.

As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.

"Those spiders are mating, honey."

"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued to watch in amazement.

"A daddy long legs."

"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.

The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that is also a daddy long legs."

The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.

Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that
brokeback mountain **** going on here!"

thedrifter
10-22-08, 06:52 AM
Cultural Sex laws
Cultural laws

1) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

8) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I gather this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ...Not as great as Guam!)

thedrifter
10-22-08, 06:57 AM
Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

mcvet57103
10-22-08, 06:28 PM
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to
make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained,
'The egg timer's broken. :banana:

thedrifter
10-27-08, 07:42 AM
speeding ticket


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He lo oks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

thedrifter
10-27-08, 11:10 AM
http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf




:D

mcvet57103
10-27-08, 08:26 PM
A United States Marine was attending some college courses
between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of

the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the
class
when he came in. He
looked
to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want
you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes' The
lecture
room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and
the
professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
waiting'




It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his
chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him
off
the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his
seat
and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned
and sat
there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably

shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter
with
you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too
busy
today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to
say
stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent
me.'

Ed Palmer
10-28-08, 10:45 AM
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day
he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right!' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.......

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

ameriken
10-28-08, 11:56 AM
HER DIARY:


My husband has bee acting wierd today.

We had plans to meet at a bar for a couple of drinks. I spent the day shopping with my friends, so I thought maybe he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

He was quiet, so I suggested that we go find a place where we could talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong: he said, 'Nothing.'

I asked if I did something to upset him. He said 'no', it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and just kept driving. I am a bit concerned, I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, like didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem cold and distant.

Finally, knowing he wasn't going to open up and share with me, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came too. I gently caressed him, and to my surprise, he responded and we made love. But I still felt he was distracted and that his mind was someplace else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I wonder if I should talk to a counselor. I wonder if he would go? I am positive his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

thedrifter
10-28-08, 01:57 PM
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.



"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens i

n heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."



The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"



The devil looks at him, smiles and says...



"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

thedrifter
10-28-08, 01:58 PM
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. And lastly, when you press charges on your family members, you refer to the judge as "Your Majesty."

thedrifter
10-31-08, 11:04 AM
A little humor to break the tension....
Snopes.com ^


A classic (but still funny) poke at the OTHER guys! Enjoy.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/zombies.asp

thedrifter
10-31-08, 11:08 AM
History of the World. Conservatives vs. Liberals. (Vanity, awesome joke)


For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were: 1 The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.....

NamNuts
10-31-08, 11:17 AM
Hey its a light duty kinda day..specially for us ole farts Marines! Gotta save up for 10 NOV ;-)
So, another funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wLI5uj7KQc

thedrifter
10-31-08, 02:17 PM
NamNuts;):D

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.

thedrifter
10-31-08, 02:24 PM
The little boy gave his confession: "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with? "

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? "

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?

" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

thedrifter
11-03-08, 12:07 PM
Poll-ish Jokes

What’s with all these polls? They vary so much that either
they’re crazy or we are. When did this pretentious pseudo-science
become a national obsession and daily news? You’d think we lived
in Poll-land instead of America. Well, maybe a sense of humor can
knock some sense into an American electorate that takes these polls
way too seriously. So, without further ado, here’s an “unbiased sample”
(snicker) of Poll-ish jokes. Enjoy.

How many pollsters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They didn’t notice it was dark.

What’s the difference between pollsters and meteorologists?
Meteorologists are sometimes right.

What’s a pollster’s favorite candy?
Fudge

What do pollsters eat the morning after Election Day?
Crow

How did the pollster know that a cat was nearby?
His seeing-eye dog barked

Why are most pollsters like Obama’s goldfish?
Both are in the tank for him

According to most pollsters, how many Blue States are there?
57

How many Red States do they say there are?
-3

How do pollsters describe the Democratic National Convention?
A good unbiased sample of Independents

How does a pollster describe a life-long Republican
who’s been committed to McCain since he won the nomination,
has donated the maximum amount, and has had McCain/Palin signs
in his front yard since September?
Undecided

Why did the pollster keep failing the drug test?
None of his samples were good

What else did the pollster fail?
Statistics 101

What’s the difference between Dracula and a pollster?
One is a Count and the other can’t count

What’s the difference between an Egyptian crocodile and a pollster?
One is in the Nile and the other is in denial

How do pollsters describe a cemetery?
A pool of likely voters

Why are the pollsters' polls so unreliable?
Instead of phone data, they base them on phoney data

Why did the pollster stop polling?
Someone broke his abacus

What do you call 100 unemployed pollsters?
A good start!

;)

thedrifter
11-04-08, 09:19 AM
Time For A Change;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yspln1HjEPA&eurl=http://www.diapers.com/change.aspx?cm_sp=hp-_-z7-_-timeforachange

thedrifter
11-05-08, 07:18 AM
Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

thedrifter
11-06-08, 08:06 AM
Top 10 Jokes About the Democratic Ticket
Posted 11/06/2008 ET


1. “Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people.” — Jay Leno

2. “And as you know, they’ve already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can’t get the thing to shut up.” — Jay Leno

3. “The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.” — Conan O’Brien

4. “While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why.“ — Conan O’Brien

5. “Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.”— Jay Leno

6. “Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.” — Jay Leno

7. “And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they’re saying? For the first time he’s starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don’t worry. He’s got a plan. He’s going to be campaigning in Europe.” — David Letterman

8. “The presidential debate was a town hall format, which is John McCain’s favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama’s favorite way, a Sermon on the Mount.” — Jay Leno

9. “You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn’t change when they asked him about his hair plugs.” — Jay Leno

10. “In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Sen. Joe Biden said although he wants to be President, he’d rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he’d rather be home making love to Joe Biden’s wife too.” — Jay Leno

thedrifter
11-06-08, 10:11 AM
A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

thedrifter
11-07-08, 06:46 AM
Army Drill Sergeant Joe B. Frick’s Rules for a Gun, Knife, Baseball Bat or Fist Fight


1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap - life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap - funerals are expensive

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell “Fire!” Why “Fire”? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will…. and who is going to summon help if you yell “Intruder,” “Glock” or “Winchester?”

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on “pucker factor” than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work. “No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy.”

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don’t drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That’s how you live if hit in your “good” side.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don’t (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)

19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.

22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.

23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than “4″.

25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. “All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket.” At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.

26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.

27. Redardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.

28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, “He said he was going to kill me. I beleived him. I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m very upset now. I can’t say anything more. Please speak with my attorney.”

Finally, Drill Sergeant Frick’s Rules For Unarmed Combat

1: Never be unarmed.

2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.

thedrifter
11-07-08, 09:30 AM
Underwear Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

thedrifter
11-07-08, 09:32 AM
Special Lesson


A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.

She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”

The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That’s right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”

“That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

Ed Palmer
11-07-08, 10:28 AM
A young woman comes to her parents' home with a tall African guy, with huge gold rings hanging from his ears and nose. The father screams at her: "I told you to marry a RICH doctor."

Ed Palmer
11-11-08, 07:17 AM
THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her
husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

mcvet57103
11-11-08, 07:46 AM
This video needs no explanation. LOL The term DumbF--ks comes to mind though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5TFJu0Vjps

MOUNTAINWILLIAM
11-12-08, 07:51 PM
This video needs no explanation. LOL The term DumbF--ks comes to mind though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5TFJu0Vjps

PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T SO, however if it is this country is in bigger trouble than I thought.

thedrifter
11-14-08, 11:07 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, we’re leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.’

thedrifter
11-14-08, 11:09 AM
Lewis Lizzard, an Alaska defense attorney, arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” And on and on and on..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all and Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”

thedrifter
11-14-08, 11:14 AM
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, ‘Mom! I have someone for you to meet.’

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic hotel. Their first night there, she undressed as did he.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, ‘Why the bl ack panties?’

She replied: ‘My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.’

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same— she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit— but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: ‘What’s with the black condom?’

He replied, ‘I want to offer my deepest condolences.’

thedrifter
11-14-08, 11:16 AM
Rightly Biased
Sister Mary Mary comes down from the convent to the local liquor store and orders a bottle of vodka.

The store owner tells the nun: “Sister, you know we have strict orders from Mother Superior that this liquor store is off-limits to the convent.”

Nun: “But this is for Mother Superior's constipation”

Owner: “Ok sister, anything for Mother Superior”

About an hour later, he hears singing and goings on outside his store. He goes out to have a look-see and there's Sister Mary Mary all snockered up partying with the local winos.

Owner: “ Sister Mary Mary, shame on you. I thought you said the liquor was for Mother Superior's constipation ?”

Nun: "It is! When I get back and Mother Superior gets a load of me, she's gunna sh$t !”

thedrifter
11-15-08, 11:47 AM
'YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

mcvet57103
11-15-08, 12:57 PM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

thedrifter
11-15-08, 02:10 PM
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.



1. It’s an incentive to show up.



2. It reduces stress.



3. It leads to more honest communications.



4. It reduces complaints about low pay.



5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.



6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.



7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.



8. It encourages carpooling.



9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.



10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.



11. It makes fellow employees look better.



12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.



13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.



14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.



15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

thedrifter
11-17-08, 11:28 AM
Baby Boomers Begin Collecting Social Security (animated fun to "Born to be Wild)


http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

mcvet57103
11-26-08, 08:25 PM
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="FONT-FAMILY: inherit; font-size-adjust: inherit; font-stretch: inherit" vAlign=top>Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them
into a small room, the walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...'Go get your mother...'
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

mcvet57103
11-26-08, 08:32 PM
Two priests decided to go to <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 /><ST1:STATE w:st="on"><ST1:PLACE w:st="on">Hawaii</ST1:PLACE></ST1:STATE> on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>


<O:P></O:P>

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.<O:P></O:P>

<O:P></O:P>

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? <O:P></O:P>

<O:P></O:P>

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.<O:P></O:P>

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'<O:P></O:P>

'Yes, Father?'<O:P></O:P>

<O:P></O:P>

We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She giggled, <O:P></O:P>

<O:P></O:P>
'Father, it's me ... Sister Kathleen!'

thedrifter
11-28-08, 07:19 AM
Matty's Thanksgiving



How To Cook A Turkey

1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Glenmorangie) or Jack Daniels.
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Turkey Dressing (15#)
3 cups bread crumbs
2 large onions
2 cups of celery
2 tablespoons of poultry seasoning
2 cups of unpopped popcorn
Stuff turkey.
Bake at 350 degrees for 5 hours until corn pops and blows the turkey's ass across the room!

Drinking Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.

muck
11-29-08, 10:20 AM
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

thedrifter
12-04-08, 08:47 AM
How to Communicate w/ An Obot (Funny Obamabot Dictionary)!
Obamese Dictionary ^



How To Communicate with an Obot: The **OFFICIAL** English to Obamese Dictionary

InsightAnalytical **Official** English to Obamese Dictionary

English . . . . . Obamese

Bailout . . . . . Rescue

Stimulus package . . . . . Economic Recovery package

Massive Voter Fraud . . . . . Community organizing

Selection . . . . . Election

Coronation . . . . . Inauguration

Assault & battery. . . . . Caucus

Socialist . . . . . Progressive

Terrorist . . . . . Just a guy in my neighborhood

Radical Preacher . . . . . A guy at church I never listened to

Plumber . . . . . Threat to National Security

Violent gang of sanctioned thugs . . . . . Civilian Police Force

Violent gang of sanctioned thugs in Chicago . . . . . Obama for President Committee

Flip Flop . . . . . Smart adjustment to political reality

Preponderance of lies . . . . . A Speech

Union endorsements for opponents . . . . . Special interest endorsements

Union endorsements for Obama . . . . . Support from worker representatives

Spreading the wealth . . . . . Tax cuts for the working class

Rich . . . . . Anyone earning over ??

Washington insiders . . . . . Change

Bill Clinton . . . . . Racist/My staunch supporter

Hillary Clinton. . . . . Likable enough/Secretary of State

Hillary Clinton’s mailing list . . . . . Cash cow

Bill Clinton’s advisors . . . . . Old Style Gov’t./My New Cabinet

Rules . . . . . Old ideas, no longer important

U.S. Constitution . . . . . Floormat (See also Joke)

Palestinians . . . . . Internet campaign workers

Oil barons . . . . . Millions of small donors

Ruthless genocide . . . . . Odinga’s post-election change

Disagreement . . . . . Racism

Questioning. . . . . .Racism

Truth Seeking . . . . . Racism

Patriotism . . . . . Racism

Upholding the Constitution . . . . . Racism

Share . . . . . Take

Messiah . . . . .Obama

facial tic of right eye . . . . . frickin scared out of my mind

thedrifter
12-04-08, 08:48 AM
Obama's New Airforce One!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5_ijICEa2w

Marine1955
12-04-08, 08:26 PM
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=768 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top align=left width=622><HR color=#000000 noShade SIZE=1>A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
__________________

Marine1955
12-05-08, 09:15 AM
http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f19710%5fAK94%2fNgAAAuESTlDrgF7Ei7 TJIo&pid=2.2&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1

Ed Palmer
12-05-08, 10:52 AM
http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f19710%5fAK94%2fNgAAAuESTlDrgF7Ei7 TJIo&pid=2.2&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/emailjokes_c_43477_1-image0011.jpg

Marine1955
12-06-08, 07:25 AM
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I'll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_002701c870bbaf084850652d6744you.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001e01c90634d30cb060b310890aS20.gif

thedrifter
12-12-08, 06:57 AM
http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r80/Estela2103/christmas-card.jpg

http://www.cardsdirect.com/images/christmascards/NX15092_Z.jpg

http://www.nytimes.com/images/blogs/laughlines/cowellxmas.jpg

Marine1955
12-12-08, 04:13 PM
Why do girls fart after they Pee?


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_002701c870bbaf084850652d6744you.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001e01c90634d30cb060b310890aS20.gif




Because they cant shake it so they blow dry it! haha keep it goin!

mcvet57103
12-12-08, 07:07 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'



On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband

down'

Marine1955
12-13-08, 10:32 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wfVDutW2Lw&eurl=http://api.msappspace.com/apprendering/114233/canvas/09022008115059/1_0_0/render.app&feature=player_embedded

Marine1955
12-15-08, 11:38 AM
THIS WAS VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2008
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

Ed Palmer
12-15-08, 11:57 AM
A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

Ed Palmer
12-15-08, 12:04 PM
Aging Women


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She do es something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Marine1955
12-16-08, 04:05 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pWeEvOacYw

mcvet57103
12-16-08, 04:33 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pWeEvOacYwGood one. :thumbup:

Zebra29er
12-16-08, 06:29 PM
GOD is Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan One of
the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of
the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still
waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to
his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and
stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do
that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting
America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff
and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Phantom Blooper
12-17-08, 07:14 PM
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door; then we hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad, and we sing carols, and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."


Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... and begin to sing: 'What a Friend We have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas.:banana:

thedrifter
12-18-08, 08:47 AM
Probably the Funniest Cat Video You'll Ever See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUNmLuNdiL8&eurl=http://www.blackfive.net/

Marine1955
12-18-08, 08:59 AM
Probably the Funniest Cat Video You'll Ever See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUNmLuNdiL8&eurl=http://www.blackfive.net/


that is one good laugh

thedrifter
12-18-08, 09:06 AM
Monty Python - Hell's Grannies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygy7UDADXDg&feature=rec-HM-r2

Marine1955
12-18-08, 02:56 PM
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="MARGIN-LEFT: 10.5pt; WIDTH: 98.8%" cellPadding=0 width="98%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 99.66%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top width="99%"><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top width="100%">

YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD!! AND THEN YOU WILL FORWARD TO EVERYONE WITH THAT
BIG OLE' SMILE ON YOUR FACE!!

Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best studentin Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping
Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.


And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
If you stick that damn thing in me one more time , I'll break it in half! The nun fainted



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Marine1955
12-18-08, 08:06 PM
Abig Texan stopped at a local restaurant followinga day roaming around in Mexico
...






While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro , bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'









The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'













The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied'Si,seńor,sometimes the bull wins.

thedrifter
12-19-08, 09:40 AM
Here are the 25 Days of Obama’s Christmas:


#1 Oprah -- The Sugar Plum Fairy
#2 Hillary Clinton (showing the puckering former first lady under the mistletoe)
#3 George W. Bush -- The Ghost of Christmas Past
#4 Mayor Richard M. Daly -- The Ghost of Christmas Present
#5 David Axelrod -- Wise man I
#6 David Plouffe -- Wise man II
#7 Rahm Emanuel -- Wise man III
#8 John Edwards -- The red-faced reindeer (depicting a rosy-cheeked Edwards with his pants down)
#9 Karl Rove -- The Abominable Snowman
#10 Jesse Jackson -- The Nutcracker
#11 Rush Limbaugh (who has nothing but coal in his stocking)
#12 Rev. Jeremiah Wright -- The Grinch
#13 Bill Ayers -- Frosty the Weatherman (showing a snowman-like Ayers holding a lit bomb)
#14 Ohio (the Buckeye State wrapped up with a bow, To: Barack From: Ohio)
#15 Rod Blagojevich -- Tiny Tim
#16 Abraham Lincoln -- Father Christmas
#17 Sarah Palin -- The Snow Queen (showing Palin wearing a crown and holding an Ak-47)
#18 John McCain -- The Scrooge
#19 Joe the Plumber
#20 Joe Biden -- Chief Elf (showing Biden as an elf at a hair plugs workshop)
#21 First Puppy (who appears to be a mutt)
#22 Malia -- Lou Who
#23 Sasha -- Sue Who
#24 Michelle Obama -- Mrs. Claus
#25 Barack Obama -- Santa Claus

thedrifter
12-19-08, 09:43 AM
http://www.cagle.msnbc.com/news/Christmas08/images/lester.jpg



http://www.cagle.msnbc.com/news/Christmas08/images/britt22.gif




http://www.mudtrap.com/images/funny-christmas-cartoon.jpg

thedrifter
12-19-08, 09:52 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v67/johnkj/funnysanta.gif

thedrifter
12-19-08, 09:55 AM
A Christmas Tale (Christmas with Louise or Stocking Stuffer) Humor

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that? Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as ma passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father does in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas __________________

Phantom Blooper
12-19-08, 12:07 PM
De 12 days of Christmas (on de Bayou)


Day - 1: Dear Boudreaux, Tanks for da bird in da Pear tree. I fix it las' night wit dirty rice. I doan tink da pear tree will grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma. \Day - 2: Dear Boudreaux, Ya letta say ya sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem. Day - 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan ya sent some crawfish. I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou and fed da tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners fo her fightin' roostah.

Day - 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!I told ya no more dern birds! Deez four - what ya call dem "calling birds" - were so noisy ya could hear dem all da way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, and fed da rest of dem to da gatas.


Day - 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally send something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat and buy a round for da boys at da Raisin' Cane Lounge.Merci Beaucoup! Day - 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, ya coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck da heck out ah his shout. They good at eating cockroaches, dough. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day. Day - 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring yo fool neck next time I see ya. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. Da merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let dose seven swans loose ta swim on de bayou and some duck hunas from Mississippi blasted dem out of da water. Talk to ya tomorrow. Day - 8: Dear Boudreaux, Poor ole Thibeau had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and dier cows. One o dem cows got spooked by da gatas and almost tipped over de boat.I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping da shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night. Day - 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do Huh? -- Thibeau had to borrow da Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits ya call Lords-a-Leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break wit crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. Ya get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty fo fried nutria, and da cows ate my turnip greens. Day - 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be out yo mind! If da mailman don't kill ya, I will fo sho!! Today he delivered 10 half nakid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey say dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almost left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by my out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) . Day - 11: Dear Boudreaux, Where Y'at. Cheerio and pip pip. Yo 11 pipers piping arrives today from da House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we're having a fais-do-do. The new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and he's having a good time dancing wit da floozies. Da old mailman jumped off of da Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming yo name. If ya get a mysterious, ticking package in da mail -- don't open it!!

Day - 12: Dear Boudreaux, I'm sorry to tell ya but I am not yo true love no-mo. After da fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, da head piper. We decided to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on da bayou.The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing, can make $20 for a table dance, and da lords can be waiters and valet park de boats. Since da maids have no mo cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines and run my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollas next year. Finis! Joyeaux Noel--Merry Christmas and may Papa Noel follow da bonfires tru de byu and find yo homes on Christmas Eve!

mcvet57103
12-20-08, 01:57 PM
Cat? What Cat?

6430

It wasn't Me!

6431

Awwwwwwww! So soft!

6432

Ed Palmer
12-20-08, 02:36 PM
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
It stays up 4 12 days & nights.
Has cute balls & looks good with the lights on!

Phantom Blooper
12-20-08, 07:33 PM
When my nephew was younger, he played soccer.

Unfortunately, the team was not very good and lost pretty much every game.

After the third season, the team decided to change their name from the "Rockets" to "Off Constantly."

That way, the winning team got to run around the field after they had won shouting, "We Beat Off Constantly!":banana:

:evilgrin:

mcvet57103
12-20-08, 11:04 PM
When my nephew was younger, he played soccer.

Unfortunately, the team was not very good and lost pretty much every game.

After the third season, the team decided to change their name from the "Rockets" to "Off Constantly."

That way, the winning team got to run around the field after they had won shouting, "We Beat Off Constantly!":banana:

:evilgrin:Ooohh That's gooooood. Roflamo

thedrifter
12-21-08, 10:00 AM
Holiday food Tips;)

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-a-holic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat step #3.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'

Ed Palmer
12-22-08, 08:38 AM
Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off

And streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

thedrifter
12-23-08, 12:05 PM
Farting Elves 12 Days of Christmas Funny Video Animation by JibJab

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1_wDVKOTjI

thedrifter
12-23-08, 12:06 PM
Jeff Foxworthys 12 days of Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suqWNk1vi0o

Marine1955
12-23-08, 01:52 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v67/johnkj/funnysanta.gif
this is one of the funnest this year

Marine1955
12-23-08, 01:57 PM
When my nephew was younger, he played soccer.

Unfortunately, the team was not very good and lost pretty much every game.

After the third season, the team decided to change their name from the "Rockets" to "Off Constantly."

That way, the winning team got to run around the field after they had won shouting, "We Beat Off Constantly!":banana:

:evilgrin:

heard comic jon reep tell that to, still it's funny

Ed Palmer
12-23-08, 05:31 PM
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/hooters_2009.html

Zebra29er
12-24-08, 02:36 PM
if this has been posted before , sorry its to funny to not post again .

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

Semper Fi

Ed Palmer
12-24-08, 04:43 PM
And this is why parents drink!!!!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was surprised to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all the ear piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your Son, John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

thedrifter
12-25-08, 06:53 AM
I'm not quite sure how this is supposed to work....

thedrifter
12-26-08, 08:55 AM
Cajun Night Before Christmas
CreativeYouthIdeas ^ | 1973 | J.B. King



Cajun Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house, Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse. De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo', An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.

De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham, Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam. Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter, Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit to got to de do', Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'. As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon, I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon."

Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff, Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff. An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick, I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick.

Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name: "Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'! Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'!

To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall, Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall." Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly, W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by.

Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim! Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'. Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail, W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam, An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam. "Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal."

He got on his foots an' jump like de cat Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT! He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot, An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.

A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back, He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack. His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry! Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.

His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry, On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry. Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly, He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head, Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared. He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work, Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk.

He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head, Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said: "Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame, Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."

So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof, He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof. He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip, De' gator move down, An don' make one slip.

An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go, "Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!"

Author: J. B. Kling, Jr., 1973

http://www.aperfectanomaly.com/wp-content/santa_cajun.gif

thedrifter
12-26-08, 09:06 AM
(HUMOR) Scientists Discover New Element, the Heaviest Yet Known to Science
disaboom ^ | 11/25/2008 | unknown

The Heaviest Element Known to Science


Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.


The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z


Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.


Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.


In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.


This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.


When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Marine1955
12-26-08, 09:19 AM
good one

thedrifter
12-27-08, 08:03 AM
2008 Year In Review!!!

Herein are some New Years resolutions for Barack Obama, President Elect of the United States.

I will stop trying to fashion myself after Presidents of the past. I am not Lincoln, nor Kennedy, nor even FDR. I resolve to try my upmost to be the sort of President that others will fashion themselves as.

I will not allow any more photos to be taken of myself with my shirt off. It is gratuitous and somewhat vain.

I will accept that fact, now having had the national security briefings, that George W. Bush had things mostly right and will make policy accordingly. In fact I will occasionally ask him for advice and even, from time to time, send him on diplomatic missions and put him on special commissions.

I will let Sean Hannity and anyone else who wants to, regardless of political persuasion, to buy me a beer.

I will tell the special interest groups in my party to take a hike and do what I think is right.

I will actually be willing to hear the opinions of people who disagree with me and, in fact, will have lunch at the White House at least once a week with two or more such people for a spirited discussion.

I will not have meetings with enemies of the United States except to inform them that they have twenty four hours to surrender.

I will tell Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid that I am President of the United States and I will deal with any member of Congress whom I please.

I will send Joe Biden on constant good will visits to foreign countries, make certain that he isn't given too much responsibility, and pray to God he doesn't insert his foot in his mouth too often.

I will forget the idea of a stimulus package and give everyone a tax holiday. I'll have Louis Gohmert over for the signing ceremony and Nancy Pelosi will like it.

I'll insist that NASA get enough money for a proper return to the Moon program.

I'll take economic advice from actual businessmen and not just academics and Wall Street types.

I'll go easy on the global warming thing until and unless there is actual global warming.
And finally:

I'll inform people who need it that I am not God nor the Messiah. I am just a man, albeit a handsome and clever one.

...but we all know that will never happen....

Ed Palmer
12-27-08, 10:04 AM
A group of U.S. Marines found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid.

Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the class had grasped the information given.

"Jones," he said, pointing to one of the Marines, "say your platoon leader sustains a head injury during a cross-country march. What do you do about it?"

"That's easy, Sir," said Jones. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."
__________________

Marine1955
12-31-08, 12:23 PM
A group of U.S. Marines found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid.

Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the class had grasped the information given.

"Jones," he said, pointing to one of the Marines, "say your platoon leader sustains a head injury during a cross-country march. What do you do about it?"

"That's easy, Sir," said Jones. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."
__________________


you know whats funny about this,,,, it could happen!!!lol

Chumley
12-31-08, 01:12 PM
6510

Chumley
12-31-08, 01:20 PM
Sorry for the small post - click to enlarge.

:(

SFi
C

mcvet57103
12-31-08, 03:02 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjGd1C6E4ys&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIReX7aRBec&feature=related

jrhd97
01-01-09, 08:59 AM
Pancakes<o></o>

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared<o></o>

to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large<o></o>

stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

jrhd97
01-01-09, 09:04 AM
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!


We were dressed and ready to go out to a Christmas Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cab driver hit a parked car...

thedrifter
01-01-09, 10:23 AM
Happy New Year From I Can Has Cheezburger?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsJYrW9Ylb0&eurl=http://icanhascheezburger.com/

thedrifter
01-07-09, 09:58 AM
Hump Day Humor...


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY:

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ''William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

mcvet57103
01-09-09, 08:38 AM
<TABLE><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width="100%">

<TABLE><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width="100%">
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car facing o ncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to
the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper
pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was
not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

mcvet57103
01-09-09, 08:42 AM
For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you
who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.



<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0 classMsoNormalTable><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,



"Well, shoot.. so that's why no one was at
church today".



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Marine1955
01-09-09, 11:55 AM
Subject: And then that's when the fight started



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.


And then the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.


And then the fight started...




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'



And then the fight started...



[My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....

Marine1955
01-10-09, 08:46 AM
funny vibrator com.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POi2nscLCXg

mcvet57103
01-11-09, 09:31 AM
Why you should never go naked skydiving (VERY FUNNY!!): http://www.nothingtoxic.com/media/1178851699/When_Naked_Skydiving_Turns_Really_Disturbing

mcvet57103
01-12-09, 06:51 PM
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich,they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they were on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them both to Heaven.

They reach the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven, This will be your new home now."

The old man asked St Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing", St Peter replied, "Remember this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is Heaven," St Peter replied.
"You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man, "This is Heaven, it is all free to you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and decaffeinated tea," he asked.

"That's the best part,"St Peter replied, "you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, or sick."

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing for sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again."
"All you do here is enjoy yourself.."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins."

"We could've been here ten years ago!"

thedrifter
01-14-09, 10:08 AM
A little something you might enjoy before going to bed ...or to play with to start your day ... Cheers


A LIVING SPIDER

Poke and prod the spider with your mouse. Also 'grab' one of its legs with your mouse and drag it around the screen -- tell me it's not alive! ....


Also anywhere on the map hit the space bar and it leaves little bugs where your mouse is, watch the spider go after them. This is totally crazy and creepy too!


Click Here To Play With Spider

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/


Here are a few more you can play

http://www.onemotion.com/


Ellie

thedrifter
01-15-09, 06:11 AM
Top This One for A Speeding Ticket


Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.


Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.


Semper Fi

thedrifter
01-16-09, 11:52 AM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

Zebra29er
01-17-09, 01:20 PM
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”... but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the Atmosphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Ed Palmer
01-17-09, 02:12 PM
Craig's List

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
Reply to

Date: 2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST



I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand
over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also
asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across
this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took
my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and
it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that
Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder
holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating
weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your droopy pants. I'm
sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone,
and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to
come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or
"Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of
the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in
your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line,
and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know
what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did
this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure
you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to
reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use,
and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you
and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of careers. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you
read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

Marine1955
01-19-09, 12:48 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPVaK12EUIE

you will love this. cause it's funny

thedrifter
01-21-09, 12:59 PM
- Inauguration Jokes

Q. Why did George Bush declare a state of emergency for Barack Obama's inauguration?

A. Because everyone knows it's a national disaster.



Q. What's an example of irony?

A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.



Chief Justice Roberts: Knock, knock.

Barack Obama: Who's there?

Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya.

Barack Obama: Kenya who?

Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya show me your birth certificate before you're sworn in?



Barack Obama: Knock, knock.

Taxpayers at the inauguration: Who's there?

Barack Obama: Eff.

Taxpayers at the inauguration: Eff who?

Barack Obama: Eff you.



Q. Why will Obama quit begging for donations once he's sworn in?

A. Because he'll no longer have to ask.



President Obama is being criticized because his inaugural celebrations are projected to cost the taxpayers over $400 million. When asked about it, Obama explained that Ted Kennedy planned to attend and there was going to be an open bar.



President Obama plans to ride in the inaugural parade without the traditional limousine. He'll be in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.



As a precaution for the Obama presidency, the White House copy of the Constitution is being removed. It's made from hemp.



William Shatner attended Obama's inaugural ball. After taking a quick look around he got on his communicator and commanded, "Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."



Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?

A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.



Q. What will the band play at Obama's inauguration?

A. Inhale to the chief.



Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?

A. So Hillary won't know which one he's in.



Q. What is the difference between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter?

A. Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to ruin the economy.

thedrifter
01-21-09, 01:04 PM
Find the nude dude on the crowded beach. When you do, click on him and watch him run.

http://www.realholidays.com.au/nudedude/index.html

thedrifter
01-22-09, 07:29 AM
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

thedrifter
01-22-09, 07:29 AM
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Marine1955
01-22-09, 10:46 AM
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

it's always nice to see some good funny stuff.

i realy liked (number 11&12) hahahahaha

mcvet57103
01-22-09, 02:49 PM
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.

Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.

Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.


Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.


War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put Husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night..

It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in Glass house
should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well
often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

thedrifter
01-26-09, 09:48 AM
FOR STRESS RELEASE: BUBBLEWRAP APPRECIATION DAY

In 1957 two engineers. Alfred Fielding and Marc Chavannes started out trying to make plastic wallpaper. They did not succeed. What they ended with was the world’s most addicting invention, bubble wrap.



All are invited to participate to join in the Eight Annual Celebration of Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day by popping virtually of course!



Monday, January 26,2009

http://www.bubblewrapfun.com/

http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml

http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf


-pop-
-pop pop-

;):D

SlingerDun
01-27-09, 11:56 PM
<WBR><WBR><WBR><WBR>

A young<WBR> boy enter<WBR>s a barbe<WBR>r shop and the barbe<WBR>r whisp<WBR>ers to
his custo<WBR>mer, this is the dumbe<WBR>st child in three counties. Watch<WBR> while<WBR> I prove<WBR> it to you.

The barbe<WBR>r puts a dolla<WBR>r bill in one hand and two quart<WBR>ers
in the other<WBR>, then calls<WBR> the boy over and asks,<WBR> which<WBR> do you want,
son?

The boy takes the quart<WBR>ers and leave<WBR>s.

<WBR>What did I tell you? said the barbe<WBR>r, that brats' dumb as a sack of tire chains!

Later<WBR>, the custo<WBR>mer leave<WBR>s and sees that same kid comin<WBR>g out of the ice cream<WBR> store<WBR>....hey, son! May I ask you a quest<WBR>ion?

Why did you take 2 quart<WBR>ers inste<WBR>ad of 1 dolla<WBR>r bill? The boy licke<WBR>d his cone and repli<WBR>ed,

<WBR>Becau<WBR>se the day I take that dolla<WBR>r, the game is played out.

thedrifter
01-28-09, 07:13 AM
The Bailout Game!

http://www.thebailoutgame.us/

Ed Palmer
01-28-09, 08:34 AM
Excerpted from the Miami Herald


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (for those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.


I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


COLONOSCOPIES

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.' And the best one of all…
14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?

Zulu 36
01-28-09, 09:34 AM
1. Telling a cub scout 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times to cut away from themselves is not as good as a teacher as their cutting themselves one time with a pocket knife.

2. God put bones in cub scouts hands to keep pocketknives from going all the way through.

3. Large green grub like caterpillars with black spike like hairs hurt when you step on them.

4. Squirrels will find any food in campsite regardless of where you hide it, even inside a campfire.

5. Squirrels burn.

6. A flaming squirrel can set an entire campsite on fire as it runs in panicked circles.

7. Never try to put out a flaming squirrel with a flammable nylon sleeping bag.

8. When you are at summer camp as an adult leader, never ask the camp director where the closest place to buy beer and ammo is at.

9. When you are the only male den leader, suggesting a "Den Leader of the Month" calendar as a fundraiser is a bad idea.

10. When you assign Webelos the task of scraping out a dirty pot, make sure they don't go to the axe yard to get a scraper.

11. Fires starters made from lint, wax, and egg cartons don't work as nearly as well as ones made from lint, wax, egg cartons and potassium permanganate.

12. A broken fingernail is only a hurry case for Girl Scouts.

13. Making snake looping sticks and clearing all of the copperheads out of the field next to the church is not generally viewed as an acceptable service project for your bear den. (but the boys have a blast.)

14. If you feel that the scout's mothers are getting too involved with the den meeting, inviting the local pet storeowner in for "Meet the Tarantula night" will usually fix the problem.

15. Making mouse habitats out of 2-liter coke bottles and giving each scout a $0.68 mouse also works well.

16. The church will think better of you if you do "Bleach and Brake fluid" night outside.

17. The average Wal-Mart mess kit will last approximately one meal.

18. The ability of the average Cub Scout to keep track of their mess kit is slightly shorter than one meal.

19. If your wife yells at you because your son never brings home all of his socks from a camp out, pick up all of the lost or missing clothing you can (typically one 55 gallon garbage bag) and bring it home. This will greatly increase your odds of at least getting your kids socks home and also buy the lasting gratitude of every mother in the pack.

20. Boys will never use soap to clean their mess kit, water bottles, pot or pans.

21. Boys will always use soap to clean cast iron.

22. Nothing is more satisfying as a scout leader than getting the scouts who kept you up to 2:00 AM up at 5:00 AM (and on the trail by 5:45).

23. A Scouts likely hood of forgetting to pack an item for a trip is in direct proportion to the items importance.

24. You should always point the lashed together catapult away from the neighbor’s house before you shoot the 16-pound bowling ball.

25. If the thought of a group of scouts doing first aid on you doesn't keep you safe, nothing will.

<o></o>
Zulu 3-6
Assistant Cubmaster, Pack 42

Assistant Scoutmaster, Troop 42

Associate Advisor, Crew 42

thedrifter
01-30-09, 11:52 AM
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Ed Palmer
01-30-09, 03:13 PM
Old but still funny

Old Timers Bar in Arizona:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cttequila_e0.gif
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in sunny Arizona.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired folks from Sun City.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/aawineglasse3s.gif
They're waiting for Happy hour when drinks are half price.'

Marine1955
02-01-09, 01:25 PM
<TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

semperfiman
02-01-09, 01:54 PM
A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.


Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'



Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?'

Customer says, 'White.'



Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the heck does religion have to do with it?'



Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

thedrifter
02-04-09, 11:37 AM
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started

Marine1955
02-04-09, 06:47 PM
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started

<TABLE id=post432544 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" align=center border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD class="alt2 postbit_info" style="BORDER-RIGHT: #b5b1b1 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #b5b1b1 0px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #b5b1b1 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #b5b1b1 0px solid" width=175>
Gold Member (http://www.leatherneck.com/forums/payments.php)
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: holcomb,ks.
Posts: 268



</TD><TD class=alt1 id=td_post_432544 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #b5b1b1 1px solid"><!-- icon and title -->and then the fight started
<HR style="COLOR: #b5b1b1; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #b5b1b1" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->Subject: And then that's when the fight started



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.


And then the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.


And then the fight started...




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'



And then the fight started...



[My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->__________________
William E. Pilgrim Jr. Sgt. U.S.M.C. Semper Fi Do or Die!!!!

http://militarysignatures.com/signatures/member9936.png?5468
<!-- / sig -->
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

W L Farmer
02-04-09, 10:44 PM
The Bailout Plan: Explained in simple language

MONKEY FINANCE


Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.


http://by105w.bay105.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.224.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d3a67e364-070d-41a9-98e1-c00f481781a2.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3dOTBj MzkxLmdpZg_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3d False%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a01c801c98743%25246ff29fe0 %25248CF3671E%2540TOM&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.205&d=d2977&mf=160&a=01_b7801b19e1c5b61107b32e669e5b209c900bd169e596f 2d0a00b4bc07d1577a8




The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to theforest and started catching them.




The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, thevillagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buymonkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and theystarted catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeysbecame so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catchit!
http://by105w.bay105.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.224.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d87f51d32-899d-4a05-bb0b-42bb0c155407.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3dOTBj NDgyLmdpZg_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3d False%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a01c901c98743%25246ff29fe0 %25248CF3671E%2540TOM&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.205&d=d2977&mf=160&a=01_b7801b19e1c5b61107b32e669e5b209c900bd169e596f 2d0a00b4bc07d1577a8
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buyon his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told thevillagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man hasalready collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
http://by105w.bay105.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.54.224.249/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d7dd57e52-449a-47bb-a6ad-59eb58756996.gif%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvZ2lm%26name%3dOTBj NTgzLmdpZg_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empty%3d False%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a01ca01c98743%25246ff29fe0 %25248CF3671E%2540TOM&oneredir=1&ip=10.1.106.205&d=d2977&mf=160&a=01_b7801b19e1c5b61107b32e669e5b209c900bd169e596f 2d0a00b4bc07d1577a8
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLANWILL WORK !

Rocky C
02-05-09, 08:28 AM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth
50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

HA!!!!!

Rocky