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BELOW270
07-13-07, 09:33 AM
There was once this Blonde. She walked into a bar!!!
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Literally!
HAHAHA... I always have loved that blonde joke!

Ed Palmer
07-13-07, 10:15 AM
Ole





All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first legal drink. So when Ole' s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st
birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and
his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father,
grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."

A Minnesota story!!!

Ed Palmer
07-13-07, 11:53 AM
An elderly man approached a very beautiful young woman in Wal-Mart.

"Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow. Can you talk to me for
a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said,
"Certainly, Sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t&ts like yours,
my Wife appears out of nowhere."

BELOW270
07-14-07, 09:16 PM
Little Johnny came back from school. His mom asked him how is day was.
He replied saying," i had s*x with a teacher". His mom shouted at him telling him to go to his room till dad got home.
When his dad go home he asked how Johnny's day was and he told him that he had sex with a teacher! His dad said, "today is the day you became a man. Did you still want that bike?"
Johnny said," No, I want a soccer ball and i cant ride the bike cos my bum hurts"!

Ed Palmer
07-17-07, 08:11 AM
Subject: The Elderly Sportsman

Once upon a time, an elderly gentleman went to a drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

thedrifter
07-17-07, 11:27 AM
BRAIN CRAMPS (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." And "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

davblay
07-19-07, 01:59 PM
Subject: Fwd: Flight Attendant
>
> THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
> My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
>
> and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
> be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

> just put your trays up, that would be super."
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
> me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
> Trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
> A Princess and I take orders from no one."
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, *****."</pre>

Ed Palmer
07-19-07, 03:04 PM
Who Am I?
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both
cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the
homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven times."

sgt8089
07-21-07, 12:31 PM
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Ed Palmer
07-25-07, 08:38 AM
NEVER CHEAT ON HILLBILLY WOMAN!!!!!


A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and
cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door,
and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker
in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she
picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up hillbilly was terrified,
and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty
damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put
the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old
shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

Phantom Blooper
07-30-07, 06:44 AM
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

Phantom Blooper
07-30-07, 08:39 PM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My word!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" :beer:

SlingerDun
07-30-07, 11:46 PM
1 dozen Gobs lay down their swabs to whip one sick Marine, when the smoke had cleared a dozen more stood up and cheared and said it was the fairest fight they had ever seen

thedrifter
08-04-07, 03:02 AM
Romance

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became

Aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her

Back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,

He proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over

Her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He

Continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing

Then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to

Do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to

Better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.

He whispered back, 'I found the remote!

Ed Palmer
08-04-07, 08:14 AM
80 yr old biker

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.


One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you
have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there"
and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2

packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the

evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"


The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

Ed Palmer
08-04-07, 08:22 AM
This just struck me funny…


A Fairy Tale you might enjoy ...
One day,
long, long ago there was this woman
who surprisingly, was
not controlling or overbearing........
But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just that ONE day

Ed Palmer
08-04-07, 08:29 AM
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
Responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... Pregnant when you met her."


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_01459B34-CF54-4DCC-8286-EEAC243.gif

Ed Palmer
08-04-07, 08:46 AM
TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife turning back And forth, looking at her self in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked What she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still Looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, Made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, And then took her to Six Flags Theme park . What a day ! He put her on every Ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... Everything
There was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her Stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he Ordered her a Happy Meal with Extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she Wobbled home with her
Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and Lovingly asked, Well Dear,
What was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression Suddenly changed.
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is Listening, he is going to get it wrong.


BOOGIEMAN

Ed Palmer
08-13-07, 08:19 AM
Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading
universities,
were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor
to the student from UCLA, What is the opposite of
joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young
lady from Clemson..
"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas
A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texas A&M student replied, "Sir, I believe that
would be giddy up".

Dave Coup
08-13-07, 10:25 AM
:D A litlle morning poem

'Tarzan swings,
Tarzan falls,
Jane then grabs him by the balls,
That's why Tarzan always calls,
Aah ee, Aah ee, Aah ee, Aah:D

thedrifter
08-16-07, 10:03 AM
It's all in the Towel ??



...about that towel

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their Rabbi
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help wife fantasize
and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the Rabbi's
advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as
they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again they
follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young
man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!";)

thedrifter
08-16-07, 10:07 AM
The Driver's Licence ( Joke)


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Ed Palmer
08-18-07, 01:58 PM
Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it and
figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Ken really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry,
but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat
Larry! Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.


Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened
to you?"


Larry replied, "I have been in jail."


"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"


"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"


"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"


"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years
old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

thedrifter
08-22-07, 08:32 AM
Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . And pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

15. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

16. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

21. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

22. A group of Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the monastery to close down, but they would not. They were doing great business & tax free! He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest vicious thug in town. He trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

23. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

24. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

25. Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?

ROHO
08-22-07, 10:54 AM
A filthy rich south Texas man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited randy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. Randy was having a good time drinkin, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the ladies. At the hight of the party, the host said " I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump-in." The words were bearly out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Randy in the pool!! Randy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!! randy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, bitting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Randy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. finally Randy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Randy then slowly climbed out or
the pool. Everyone was just staring at him indisbelief. finally the host says, "well, Randy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it, said Randy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it, "answered Randy. The host asid, "come on, I insist on giving you something. that was amazing. How about a new Porsch and a rolex and some stock options?" again Randy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "well, Randy, then what do you want? Randy said, "I want the name of the SUMBITH who pushed me in the pool.

Ed Palmer
08-22-07, 03:28 PM
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

froggman
08-22-07, 05:21 PM
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for? " The bride to be said: "A long
frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then
said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature
are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the
first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I
mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice? ". " Well," replied the
customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you
that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite
all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see,
my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a
terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that
wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again." "What
about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a
Liberal Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he
just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

sgt8089
08-24-07, 12:11 PM
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................




OH, Come on...take a guess!


Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is..


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

davblay
08-25-07, 02:46 AM
Subject: 2 books to read

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

froggman
08-26-07, 11:50 PM
[From a Friend] Way to go Texas!!

Texas Logic

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texas engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total. saysthe Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a Lonestar beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water"........

davblay
08-29-07, 04:11 PM
-----



THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.


Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.


When all eyes stared at him, he said,


"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... ..I'm a gynecologist."




That's when the proctologist fainted.

sgt8089
08-30-07, 01:20 PM
The Kitchen *****
>
>A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room.
>She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
>*****es who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last
>stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are ge tting on , get your
>asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
>
>The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
>of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
>are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
>your train...but I want you to use nice language."
>
>Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with
>his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
>"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your
>trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
>
>She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding,
>remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
>pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
>
>As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you w ho
>are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the
>kitchen".

thedrifter
08-31-07, 09:31 AM
Furious George

This is George.

George was an angry little monkey, always getting mad at things he should ignore, always quick to blame other people for things he did himself, and always very furious.

George lived with the man with the yellow pills, who he also called the man with the yellow hat. The yellow pills made George calm and almost okay to live with.

One day George and the man with the yellow hat went out for a drive in the country. George wanted to drive the little blue car but the man with the yellow hat said "George, that's not safe. You don't know how to drive. Remember the time you stole the police car and ran over all those people at the bus stop because you thought they were looking at you?"

George didn't like being reminded of that story. He had to go talk to a judge because of it and the judge made George take the yellow pills that made him sleepy.

George got mad when the man with the yellow hat said that to him so he ripped off the man's hat and threw it in the creek by the side of the road. For the rest of the day, George called him "The man without the yellow hat."

Today was a nice day to be outside and George decided he would build a tree house. George wasn't very good at building things, but somehow, he decided this would be the best tree house ever.

George asked the man with the yellow hat if he'd give him a ride to the lumberyard, but the man said "No, George, the car won't work because someone put sugar in the gas tank. Do you know who put sugar in the gas tank, George?" George said he didn't know, but really he did. George put sugar in the man with the yellow hat's gas tank on account of he believed the man had stolen the prize out of his cereal box. Later, he remembered that he dug the prize out as soon as he opened the box and soon thereafter broke it.

George walked to the lumberyard and stole some pieces of wood. He distracted the men who worked there by starting a fire at one end of the yard and when they ran to put it out, George stole some of what he needed. He'd need to start many more fires to get all the wood the tree house called for, but that was to worry about another day.

When George got back home, he started to look for his tools. He needed a saw, a hammer, a level and a door plumb. He looked in the man with the yellow hat's toolbox, but couldn't find the saw. Then, George remembered he'd left it outside the week before when he was making a soapbox derby racecar that he never even came close to finishing.

The man with the yellow hat had warned him to bring all the tools back in, but clearly he didn't warn him well enough. This was everybody's fault but his own thought George. The saw was stiff and rusty and was coming loose from the handle.

George knew he needed to get a new saw. George knew he'd have to buy it, which required money, yet one other thing George didn't have. But George did know where to get some. He opened the kitchen drawer and took out the envelope that said "RENT MONEY, DO NOT TOUCH" and took out a handful of twenties. That should be enough to buy the best saw in the world and enough ice cream to make him throw up in the gutter several times over.

George walked to the hardware store and cracked the front door open; he waved the money and then walked in. George had been told not to come back unless he had money because one time he ate a bag full of wing nuts and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.

George looked all over the store for a saw, high and low, there and here, but couldn't find anything. George was terrible at looking for things because he didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing and his mind often wandered. Still, George was getting angry. In fact, he was getting one of those headaches he got right before he had "an episode" in which he broke all sorts of things and did terrible things that he didn't remember.

George wanted someone at the hardware store to help him, but one of the workers there was already helping another customer and the other guy was making keys for someone.

Then, George saw an old man who looked like he probably worked there. If George had looked a little closer, he'd have seen that the man was really just there to buy a drain snake, but George didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing.

George became very angry that the old man wasn't coming over to help him. George became so angry that he picked up a hammer and threw it at the man, hitting him on the back of the head. At that point, everything went kind of crazy in George's mind, but from what he could piece together, somehow, everything got twisted around and George was blamed for throwing the hammer and he had to run home while the employees and customers from the hardware store chased him along with the police and the jerks from Animal Control.

George spent the rest of the day hiding under the sofa, watching Animal Planet. He never did get that saw, the loads and loads of ice cream, or to build the tree house. George did hide the money he stole from the rent envelope though.

THE END.

Phantom Blooper
09-04-07, 10:34 AM
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and
rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says: I'm not using it on my legs, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case don't ride your bike for ten days." :banana:

thedrifter
09-07-07, 09:36 AM
Homeland Security is collecting profiles on all air travelers, including such important information as where they sit on the plane and motor vehicle records. They're using this data to create a score to determine whether you're safe to fly the friendly skies, which they will store in a database and then promptly lose the password.


There are no legally published guidelines or SAT prep. The government won't let you see the score they've assigned you, because you might realize "Oh yes. I'm actually a Yemeni sleeper agent. Good thing I found out my score."


We have obtained a leaked copy of the scoring guidelines so you can take this test yourself. The higher you score, the higher your risk. Please don't look at anyone else's paper, and the penalty for guessing is a four-night stay at a hidden interrogation cell in Riyadh.

1. You have a screaming baby. 20 pts.
2. You are a screaming baby. 40 pts.
3. Your first name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
4. The bomb strapped to your chest is for 'self-defense'. 10 pts.
5. You stow your roller bag the wrong way in the overhead bin 30 pts
6. Your last name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
7. You prefer the middle seat. 50 pts.
8. You are a member of the mile-high club? 10 pts.
9. You've illegally downloaded music. 70 pts.
10. You demand the full can of soda during beverage service 20 pts.
11. Finish the sentence: Death to________! America – 50 pts. Britain – 10 pts. France – 0 pts.
12. You watch the inflight movie with your own headphones 20 pts.
13. You watch the entire safety demonstration every time you fly: 25 pts.
14. Both your first name and last name are Mohammad. 30 pts.
15. You ate the entire inflight meal. 40 pts.
16. You haven't illegally downloaded music, but the RIAA sent you a cease and desist letter anyway: 20 pts.
17. You lit matches to cover up for gas after eating the inflight meal. 20 pts.
18. You only have one name, and it is Mohammad 40 pts.
19. You root for the bad guys in "24". 60 pts.
20. You cut me off in the parking lot today: 95 pts.
21. You arrived in America in a shipping container. 20 pts.
22. You asked for a vegan meal. 60 pts.
23. You did the inflight magazine crossword puzzle in pen. 90 pts.
24. You show up 24 hours early to get a good seat when you fly Southwest. 15 pts.

Your Score
0 – you are lying and are a terrorist.
1-200: we're going to adjust your score to inflate our numbers for budgetary purposes.
201- 450: you're probably safe but we'll make you walk through the puffy air machine every time.
451-700: you've racked up enough frequent flier miles to fly free to Yemen.
701 or above: you are such a terrorist you are part of the plot in this season of "24".

Ellie

Ed Palmer
09-13-07, 07:55 AM
Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed


The man thought for a long time about what ea ch woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alz heimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Dave Coup
09-14-07, 08:06 AM
Fairy Tale

One day, long ago, there was a woman who surprisingly, never *****ed, nagged or whined.
But that was long ago and it was only one day.

The End

Phantom Blooper
09-17-07, 08:41 PM
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?


Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change!:beer:

sgt8089
09-19-07, 08:24 AM
Flattened Frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him He came to a house of ill
repute, and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she's very
fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,
he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-*****
that ran over my frog."
Never underestimate a little kid

sgt8089
09-20-07, 12:07 PM
Italian boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or l ater, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please , Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."

sgt8089
09-23-07, 12:12 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more
than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one
of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would > have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him!

thedrifter
09-24-07, 03:45 PM
Political Humor
Showed up in my mailbox

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

thedrifter
09-25-07, 03:48 PM
CAJUN HUNTING

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young Cajun boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy look down and said, "Well, how 'bout dat! , a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you onna do with him?"

The little Cajun boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!

thedrifter
09-26-07, 11:05 AM
Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

9. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Ed Palmer
09-27-07, 03:24 PM
A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,It warms the bed in winter,And suffocates the
fleas.
A fart can be quiet,A fart can be loud,Some leave a powerful,Poisonous
cloud A fart can be short,Or a fart can be long,Some farts have been
known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley,A
fart can be harmless,Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell,While
others are vile,A fart may pass quickly,Or linger a while......or A fart can
occur In a number of places,And leave everyone there,With strange looks on
their faces. From wide-open prairie,To small elevators,A fart will find
all of Us sooner or later. But saying farts are all bad,Is simply not true-We must
never forget.......Sweet old farts like you!

Phantom Blooper
09-27-07, 06:45 PM
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Katie and Matty the wonder dogs at Wal-Mart, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!

You all have a great day now!!!

LeonardLawrence
09-28-07, 01:42 AM
LoL! An irish setter?!?!? I just spit my mothful of Eukanuba all over the screen. ROTFLMAO!





Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Katie and Matty the wonder dogs at Wal-Mart, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!

You all have a great day now!!!

Phantom Blooper
09-28-07, 06:20 AM
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." :banana:

DanBO
09-28-07, 06:58 AM
The Robot

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tactic.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing , the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g

t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

Ed Palmer
09-28-07, 11:03 AM
The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug
suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But
what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age we live
in,
Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went home and
said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget
it,"
said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

Ed Palmer
09-29-07, 10:34 AM
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph, "but I have this strange
feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big
deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the
back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****tin in the bed!"

yellowwing
10-01-07, 12:10 AM
DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
:banana:

Ed Palmer
10-04-07, 06:47 AM
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All
teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together.


7. This chil d has been working with glue too
much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should
sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to
be watered twice a week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.


12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:


16 "You know, stop lights don't come any
redder than the one you just went through."


15 "Relax, the handcuffs
are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a
while."


14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."


13 "If you run, you'll only go to
jail tired."


12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because tha t's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing
you."


11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


10 "Yes,
sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


9 "Warning! You
want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you
another ticket."


8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a
dog?"


7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."


6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."


5 "In God we trust, all others we run through
NCIC."


4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you
had?"


3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now
we're allowed to wri te as many tickets as we can."


2 "I'm glad to hear
that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know
someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS....


1 "You
didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign
here."

thedrifter
10-04-07, 06:32 PM
Military rules, by Service

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet even your friends.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines.

sgt8089
10-05-07, 12:10 PM
FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U. S. Dept of Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million..)


(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is

.000188

Statistics courtesy of the FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR
>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

We have withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention!

sgt8089
10-05-07, 12:11 PM
HE COWBOY
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work... You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

sgt8089
10-05-07, 12:13 PM
MAXI PADS:
This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first
paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is starting
right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written
by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ' Have a Happy
Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull
sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Life is short - break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly,
laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

thedrifter
10-06-07, 08:04 AM
HOW THE BRITISH MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES

1. INFANTRY Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells
them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2. PARACHUTE REGIMENT Lands on and kills snake.

3. ARMOUR Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more
snakes.

4. CAVALRY Treats snake with haughty disdain as having
no impact on primary objective to hold London against
Roundheads at all costs.

5. ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO Plays with snake, gets
smashed with snake. Eats snake.

6. COMBAT ENGINEER Studies snake. Prepares tactical
plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets
and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of
command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug
by infantry and drowns.

7. ROYAL ARTILLERY Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.
Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on
snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and
all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. SPECIAL FORCES Makes contact with snake and,
ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport
with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses
claim. Writes best seller 'Python Two Zero'.

9. ARMY MEDICAL SERVICES Snake dies by mistake on
operating table. Dissects snake.

10. ROYAL NAVY Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships.
Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint
presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval
forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting
anti-snake operations.

11. TA Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of
snakes in the area.

12. RAF Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40
Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads smart
missiles, flies in at 20,000 feet, but can't find
snake to target. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Wipes out 85% of marine life in no-fly zone.

13. INTELLIGENCE CORPS Snake? What snake? Only 4 of
35 indicators of snake presence currently active.
Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of
snake bite.

14. DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION Orders 2 year study
by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating
massive workload at Grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in
tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team
formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to
introduce snake into all messes and ration packs by
2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkha's
told change is inevitable and not to be negative about
it. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring
celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott
and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their
excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service
messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of
apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army
demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat
holdings to Canadian and Indian Armed Forces.

15. DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY Decide they want to buy
a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender.
Contract states that an eel will be supplied as
Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to
meet the performance characteristics of a snake as
laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.
6 years late and £3 billion over budget, the project
is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA
for $10 billion.

16. ADJUTANT GENERAL Discovers that snake is not
black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

17. MILITARY POLICE Carry out stop and search
operation for snake, question snake, snake makes no
reply to questioning, arrest snake, snake apparently
accidental falls down guard room stairs, huge
investigation carried out into Military Police
brutality, Military Police deny everything and make
counter allegations, MOD make hansome payout to snakes relatives.

Roogger
10-08-07, 11:44 PM
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

sgt8089
10-09-07, 12:21 PM
A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if
I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to
play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone ;
he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going
nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so
what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

sgt8089
10-09-07, 05:12 PM
A Texan is walking through a field, sees a Mexican drinking water
from
a stock tank with one of his hands.



The Texan shouts to the Mexican,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that
water,,,,
It has cow **** in it!!!!!!!!!!!



The Mexican shouts back "Soy Mexicano, yo no entiendo ingl&#195;&#169;s.
H&#195;&#161;bleme
Espa&#195;&#177;ol.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. Speak Spanish to me)



The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguir&#195;&#161;
m&#195;&#161;s
para beber."
(Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

sgt8089
10-09-07, 05:15 PM
T his is what marriage is really all about "

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully
counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered

(This is great)
**********


**********


"THE TEETH."

sgt8089
10-09-07, 05:17 PM
"Tech Support"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....

sgt8089
10-09-07, 05:18 PM
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support

sgt8089
10-11-07, 12:04 PM
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
> > >
> > > A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
> > > help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
> > > out how to get it started."
> > >
> > > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished
> > > ?"
> > >
> > > The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a
> > > tiger."
> > >
> > > He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
> > > She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
> > > all over the table.
> > >
> > > He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
> > > turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
> > > we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into
> > > anything resembling a tiger."
> > >
> > > He takes her hand and says,
> > >
> > > "Second, I want you to relax."
> > >
> > >
> > > Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
> > & get this:
> > >
> > > He sighed
> > >
> > > "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box "

sgt8089
10-11-07, 12:05 PM
Bug Spray
A salesman was traveling through the Maine country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie
you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there
is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you,
and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite
on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but
not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you
don't have a bite on you but you look like hell!
What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that
calf have a mother?"

sgt8089
10-11-07, 12:06 PM
Serious Stuff

This is Damn serious stuff...beer contains female hormones!!!
Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women. To test the theory 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer with in a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the tests subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to all the men you know to warn them against drinking too much beer!

sgt8089
10-11-07, 12:07 PM
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her
face and told
her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to
say,
It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really
small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

sgt8089
10-11-07, 12:11 PM
Airplane Crash!!

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4
parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant,the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he
took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
President, a U.S. Senator and a potential future president. And I am the
smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to
die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger Ted Kennedy said, "I am a U.S. Senator, the democratic
party needs me and my liver still has some good years left. So he grabbed
the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old
schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my school bag."

Wyoming
10-11-07, 05:51 PM
.


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.


Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......







A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

davblay
10-12-07, 12:15 AM
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
> to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the
> kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
>
> "Tony, do you have a story to share?"
>
> "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot
> in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
> territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
> survival knife.
>
> She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her
> parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot
> fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four
> more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last
> Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
> "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your
> daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
>
> "Stay the f... away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

sgt8089
10-12-07, 12:21 PM
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little
girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out
completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm
going to step on it

Phantom Blooper
10-13-07, 09:15 AM
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local
bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to
join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join he explains.

The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there" and
pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink whiskey everyday. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times.":beer:

sgt8089
10-13-07, 12:12 PM
0-200 IN 6 SEC
> >
> > Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
> > really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
> > in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER
> > BE THERE."
> >
> > The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
> > woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a
> > medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
> >
> > Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and
> > brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a
> > brand-new bathroom scale.
> >
> > Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Phantom Blooper
10-14-07, 07:36 PM
A man thought that his wife was cheating on him. Since he didn't
have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he
decided to go with a much cheaper one---a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.


The following day he received the following report:


MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OFF TREE
I NOT SEE.
I CHARGE NO FEE,

CHEN LEE

Phantom Blooper
10-16-07, 08:33 PM
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two Azzholes."
" What? He had two Azzholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them two Azzholes." :banana:

thedrifter
10-19-07, 10:41 AM
New Recruit Training Standards

WASHINGTON - (AP) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

HAIRCUTS:

Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:

Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:

Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:

Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines-medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to our sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and name tapes on them.

CAREER FIELDS:

Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

sgt8089
10-19-07, 12:06 PM
Mother Nature
> Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
> and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his
> ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in
> the patch.
> All of a sudden.....Poof! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
> woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it
> took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done,
> you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life;
> better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of
> your life.......As a matter of fact; you'll never have any butter for
> anything the rest of your life!!!!!"
> Then Poof! She was gone!
> After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
> "Fred, where are you?"
> Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
> Dave shouts back, Don't swing, Fred; for the love of God, Don't
> swing!!!"

sgt8089
10-19-07, 12:08 PM
THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS
>>
>> The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
>> staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This
>> is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
>> understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the
>> purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra
>> advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad
>> slogans, originally written for other products that captured the
>> essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes
>> later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
>> With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very
>> well for everyone.
>>
>> The top 10 were:
>>
>> 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
>>
>> 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
>>
>> 8. Viagra, Like a rock!
>>
>> 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
>>
>> 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
>>
>> 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
>>
>> 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
>>
>> 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
>>
>> 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
>>
>> And the unanimous number one slogan:
>>
>> 1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.

sgt8089
10-19-07, 12:09 PM
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
> beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
> Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People
> would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'.
>
> The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
> long and happy marriage.
> The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
> America,' explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona,
> and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't
> gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My
> wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We
> proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Once more my
> wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
> horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver
> from her purse and shot the horse dead.
>
> I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
> poor animal like that, are you friggin crazy!?'
>
> She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
> And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after.'

sgt8089
10-19-07, 12:10 PM
ubject: Old People - Very Touching.
>> >
>> > > Old People - Very Touching.
>> > > > This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in
>> > > > human kindness.
>> > > Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida,
>> > > forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the
>> > > principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for
>> > > the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a
>> > > door prize and was writing to say thank you.
>> > > This story is a credit to all humankind Forward to anyone you
>> > > know who might need a lift today.
>> > >
>> > > Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :
>> > >
>> > > God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
>> > > citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety
>> > > Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed
>> > > away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is
>> > > thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
>> > > forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own
>> > > radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen
>> > > to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell
>> > > off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces It was awful
>> > > and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and
>> > > I told her to kiss my ass.
>> > >
>> > > Thank you for that opportunity.

Ed Palmer
10-21-07, 12:42 PM
Please pass the mayo

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Phantom Blooper
10-22-07, 01:27 PM
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. Then she asked, 'Did you dance much? He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.:beer:

Ed Palmer
10-23-07, 08:01 AM
Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.

“I tell you it’s spelled W-O-O-M,” the first said loudly.

“No no, no,” the second protested. “It’s W-O-O-0-M.’

“You’re both wrong,” the third ventured.

“I say it’s W-O-O-M-B.”

A gynecologst passing spoke up. “You’re getting close,” she told them. “Actually, it’s W-O-M-B.”

They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke:

“Madam,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’ve never heard an elephant fart.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thedrifter
10-25-07, 05:23 AM
Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when
We're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:


1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes places after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/ girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went to far this time.


3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Its completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.


4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/ passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,
Your biggest fan


P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specifically
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3, Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, me? I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Ellie

sgt8089
10-25-07, 12:11 PM
Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when
she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids
whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

"Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special
Senator's airplane."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign
them!!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in
TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look
like you're handicapped."

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass
from drowning."

Phantom Blooper
10-25-07, 01:26 PM
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to
their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.


The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians
said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the
Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash
their hands of the whole thing.


The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some azzhole
in administration

thedrifter
10-26-07, 02:17 PM
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.


"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"


"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.


Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.


"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.


Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.


"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.


"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.


"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

http://www.halloweenjoys.com/funny_pictures/halloween_funny_pic_12.jpg

sgt8089
10-26-07, 03:12 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,

...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales
guy had told me last year,..... that in ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up.... He never called back. Guess I won that stupid
argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Ed Palmer
10-28-07, 09:17 AM
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to pixx, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the pub. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to pixx, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid son-of-a-bxtch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

sgt8089
10-28-07, 10:39 AM
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
> He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
> he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
> A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
>
>
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
> cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
> as a pirate.
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.
>
> The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
> wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and
> he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
>
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
> wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.
>
> Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
> wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
> another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
> and a note, which reads:
>
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
> Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
> wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.

sgt8089
10-28-07, 12:11 PM
Subject: Halloween drunk

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on
here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the **** out of
a ghost.'

sgt8089
10-28-07, 12:14 PM
Butch the Rooster ( Alias : AL Gore )


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was
to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a
very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's
amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He
would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?

sgt8089
10-28-07, 12:17 PM
THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS
>>
>> The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
>> staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This
>> is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
>> understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the
>> purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra
>> advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad
>> slogans, originally written for other products that captured the
>> essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes
>> later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
>> With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very
>> well for everyone.
>>
>> The top 10 were:
>>
>> 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
>>
>> 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
>>
>> 8. Viagra, Like a rock!
>>
>> 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
>>
>> 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
>>
>> 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
>>
>> 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
>>
>> 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
>>
>> 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
>>
>> And the unanimous number one slogan:
>>
>> 1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.

Phantom Blooper
10-29-07, 09:22 AM
Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts.



http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s212/Cauzin_Chaos/holidays/hallosongs-anim1.gif

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horror-scope.


http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s212/Cauzin_Chaos/holidays/hallosongs-anim1.gif


Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s212/Cauzin_Chaos/holidays/hallosongs-anim1.gif
What do Skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite.

Phantom Blooper
10-30-07, 08:10 AM
If Ida Lupino had married Don Ho, she would have been Ida Ho..... :banana:

sgt8089
10-30-07, 12:13 PM
Health Care




Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a

kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in

six weeks."


A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person,

put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."


A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take

half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out

looking for work in two weeks."


The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind.

We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then

half the country will be out looking for work."

sgt8089
11-01-07, 03:07 PM
Cold Weather Latrine Detail (UNCLASSIFIED)

An US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump $#*!
from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

Phantom Blooper
11-02-07, 06:24 AM
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping










clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



















and,















The coffin stops.

:banana:

sgt8089
11-02-07, 10:48 AM
joke
Just Bought A Racehorse Named 'my Face'
Hes Not Any Good
But I Can't Wait To Hear All The Women In The Crowd Screaming Come On My Face!

Phantom Blooper
11-03-07, 06:29 PM
An old man went grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying and screaming at the top of his lungs.
As the old gentleman walked up and down the isles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice, 'We are almost done, Albert. Try not to cry, Albert. Life will get better, Albert.'
As he approached the check-out counter, he carefully brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again, 'Try not to cry, Albert. We will be home soon, Albert.' As he was paying the cashier, a young woman behind him said, 'Sir, I think it is so wonderful how sweet you are being to little Albert.'

The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times and said, 'Miss, my grandson's name is John. I'm Albert!

Kerch
11-04-07, 08:25 AM
The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman pockets the coin and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
<O:p></O:p>

Kerch
11-04-07, 08:26 AM
Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not a Bruins Fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."<O:p></O:p>

Kerch
11-04-07, 08:28 AM
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Kerch
11-04-07, 08:31 AM
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".


----------------------------------------------------------------


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


--------------------------------------------------------------


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

-------------------------------------------------------------


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------------------------------


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

--------------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

--------------------------------------------------------------



A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm
OK. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

----------------------AND FINALLY------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

sgt8089
11-04-07, 12:05 PM
Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country
is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is
asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two
million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

sgt8089
11-05-07, 12:06 PM
Makes you go hmmmmmmmm?

Can you cry under water?
________________________________

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

________________________________
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
________________________________
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

________________________________
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
________________________________
What disease did cured ham actually have?

________________________________

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

________________________________

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

________________________________

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


________________________________

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

________________________________

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

________________________________

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

________________________________

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

________________________________

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


________________________________

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

________________________________

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

________________________________

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

________________________________

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

________________________________

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

________________________________

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

________________________________

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

________________________________

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

________________________________

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

________________________________

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

sgt8089
11-10-07, 01:47 PM
A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny Says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he is a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my Mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

Phantom Blooper
11-10-07, 06:41 PM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy *** ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Ed Palmer
11-11-07, 08:43 AM
When OJ Dies


One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack
and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is
waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You
are on my list, but
I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay
here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks
here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil
opened the door to the
first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted
kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full
of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. "No, this is no
good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw
Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally
said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Ed Palmer
11-12-07, 08:05 AM
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the
front row and said, "Do you know what your azzhole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.




You can't tell which way the train is going by looking at the tracks

sgt8089
11-12-07, 08:15 AM
A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny Says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he is a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my Mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

NamNuts
11-12-07, 08:42 AM
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the
front row and said, "Do you know what your azzhole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.




You can't tell which way the train is going by looking at the tracks
LMMFAO...ya and do ya know who's with momma while your up at the deer huntin camp....bunch ole ass Marines hangin round the bars where them deer huntin widows spend their time for two weeks each year...TARGET RICH ENVIORNMENT....ONCE AGAIN LMMFAO...HEY warz Jody

sgt8089
11-12-07, 12:23 PM
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One
night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."

sgt8089
11-16-07, 12:14 PM
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless :

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

sgt8089
11-16-07, 12:15 PM
Brokeback Mountain Baby
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and Then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby Is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and Screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse Comes by, and to the delight of the two gays, she points out that the Happy child is theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?," one says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... And yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves our love for one another." The nurse says, "Oh Sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the Pacifier out of his ass."

sgt8089
11-16-07, 12:17 PM
Pure LUCK !!! Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the mirror: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks, 'Son...what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady! I'm married!'

Broken furniture - $855.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

sgt8089
11-18-07, 10:07 AM
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you
know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you
think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up
yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His
mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and
Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, go ahead, tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."

sgt8089
11-20-07, 05:00 AM
Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

Phantom Blooper
11-20-07, 08:17 PM
A Thanksgiving Tale:
.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
.
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
.
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
.
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
.
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
.
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his arse and let him go!"


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!:beer:

Phantom Blooper
11-21-07, 08:46 PM
John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"”

sgt8089
11-25-07, 10:05 AM
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with gl ee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast.

sgt8089
11-25-07, 10:07 AM
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly the blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this", and off she goes downstairs.
She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
The blonde says "I've put the dog in our yard. Now we`ll see how they like it !"

Ed Palmer
11-26-07, 09:21 AM
This is good.





Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making

her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As

luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.



She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The

attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned

out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann

was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked

back to her car.



She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and

spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,

Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with

gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.



As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from

across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it

starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Phantom Blooper
11-28-07, 08:43 AM
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. I'll take
care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, Do you hear me?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.....
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way." :beer:

sgt8089
11-28-07, 01:09 PM
A cowboy, who moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Thank God it hasn't affected my brothers."

sgt8089
11-29-07, 01:16 PM
Joe wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office....but she was dating someone else.

One day Joe got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Joe said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend....so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

Ed Palmer
11-30-07, 09:36 AM
Looks like golf wins!


Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and
play a 20 round. His buddies all chimed in and said,
'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way
and meet here early Christmas morning. Months
later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a
fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't
take her eyes
off it.
Number 2 guy says, I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to 20 her eyeballing
brochures.
Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual. They all turned to the last guy in
the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds.
'I can't believe
you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my
wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf .. and she said ..
Take a sweater.

sgt8089
11-30-07, 12:15 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the co nditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word s tarts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Ed Palmer
12-04-07, 08:37 AM
New Store




The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women
go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the
entrance:-

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the
products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT
go back down except to exit the building!'

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with
Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Phantom Blooper
12-04-07, 09:52 AM
The Maid asked for a raise.
The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Lady of the house: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Lady of the house: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Lady of the house: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I am?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Lady of the house: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Lady of the house (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Ma ria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

cball
12-04-07, 11:19 AM
A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after her operation.She was awake and after checking her ,he told her "you'll be fine "She asked "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"The doctor seemed to pause,which alarmed the girl."Whats the matter doctor ?I will be alright wont I ..He replied yes,its just that no one ever ask me that after having their tonsils out,,

Ed Palmer
12-05-07, 11:15 AM
6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.


2. All idiots, after reading the first truth try it.


3. The first truth is a lie.


4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.


5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.


6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

sgt8089
12-07-07, 02:27 PM
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his Buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
" Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
" Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
" She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new Truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and Headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off
All her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

sgt8089
12-07-07, 02:31 PM
Subject: Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since b oth ultimately result in death.

Ed Palmer
12-08-07, 09:40 AM
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk

of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the

hospital for the birth of their first child.



The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to

congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do

it at your age?"



The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."



The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for thebirth of

their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again

went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are

something else. How do you manage it?"The old man grinned and said, "You

gotta keep the old motor running."





A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their

third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the

delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,

"Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"



The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you

gotta keep the old motor running."



The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said, "Well,

I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black!!!"

2PW
12-08-07, 11:59 AM
<TT>Ole and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while</TT>
<TT>they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ole suddenly jumped</TT>
<TT>into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.</TT>
<TT>Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled</TT>
<TT>Ole out.</TT>

<TT>When the director of home became aware of Edna's heroic act, she</TT>
<TT>considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the</TT>
<TT>news she said,</TT>

<TT>"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being</TT>
<TT>discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by</TT>
<TT>jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that</TT>
<TT>your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is that Ole, the patient</TT>
<TT>you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right</TT>
<TT>after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."</TT>

<TT>Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon</TT>
<TT>can I go home?"</TT>

jrhd97
12-10-07, 09:34 PM
I took my dad to the mall to buy shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the
food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting near us.

The teenager had spiked hair in different colors: green, red, orange, and
blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, &#226;€œWhat&#226;€™s the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response.

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were
my son.'

thedrifter
12-12-07, 07:14 AM
TEQUILA COOKIES
1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Giggle.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Giggle again.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Giggle some more.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something, whatever. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table full of that one stuff. Add a spoon of shuga, or somefink.

Whatever you can find. It all looks the same.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Pick yourself up off the floor. Try not to giggle, it makes the floorfall out from underneath you.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
**** CHERRY MISTMAS ****

thedrifter
12-12-07, 01:07 PM
A CONDENSED VERSION OF HISTORY- Lest we forget.


For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get beer to the men.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

thedrifter
12-12-07, 03:00 PM
Liquor Story
JOHNNY WALKER was hunting with
MARTINI & ROSSI when he met
HIRAM WALKER coming down
COBBA CREEK with
QUEEN ANNE who lived on the
CUTTY SARK up in
HUDSON'S BAY near the
GREEN RIVER.

He took her, smelling like
FOUR ROSES over to the
TOWN TAVERN where he removed her
GOLD LABEL and tickled her with
THREE FEATHERS until she was
BLACK & WHITE and dying for his
CANADIAN CLUB with the
RED CAP .

He put his
STANDFAST in her
JORDAN VALLEY so they rented
OLD OVERHOLT'S room at the
MARYLAND CLUB and it was
PERFECTION when he stuck his
WHITE HORSE into her
VAT '69 times and pumped his
TEACHER'S HIGHLAND CREAM until her
OLD DRUM was stretched as wide as
MOUNT VERNON, and being
SCOTCH he didn't even give her a
SILVER DOLLAR.

thedrifter
12-17-07, 03:56 AM
You might be a redneck pilot if:

—your stall warning horn plays “Dixie.”

—your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

—you think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

—you’ve ever used moonshine as gas.

—your wheel pants have mud flaps.

—those mud flaps sport a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

—you think GPS stands for “Going Perfectly Straight.”

—your toothpick keeps poking your boom mike.

—you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

—you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

—you fuel your Cessna from a Mason jar.

—you wouldn’t be caught dead flyin’ a Grumman “Yankee.”

—you refer to flying in formation as “We got ourselves a convoy!”

—there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

—the set of “matched luggage” you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly.

—you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper.

—just before impact, you are heard saying, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

thedrifter
12-17-07, 03:58 AM
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Chicago :

If your local Dairy Queen/Tastee Freeze is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Chicago .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you live in Chicago .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of I - 80 for the weekend,
you live in Chicago .

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back
again, you live in Chicago .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without flinching, you live in Chicago .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you
live in Chicago .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow, you live in Chicago .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction, you live in Chicago .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in
Chicago .

If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Chicago .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your
friends & others, you live in Chicago !

Sweet Home Chicago !!!!

Phantom Blooper
12-17-07, 06:44 AM
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother."


Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother."


:devious: :devious: :devious:

nc.gal
12-18-07, 07:41 PM
The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas


On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2PW
12-19-07, 09:21 PM
Clinton and the Cowboy


From your friend who doesn't know much...but I was born in Texas...

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

'You know,' she says, 'I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk.'

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, 'Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?' 'Oh, I don't know,' says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.
'How about Iraq ?'
'Hmm,' says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?'

I haven't the slightest idea.' replies the Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton

'So tell me, then,' says the cowboy with a smile. 'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know ****?

Michael Cox
12-19-07, 10:21 PM
This is a true story by the way, i served in Iraq and 3 months into my tour, i got hit in the thigh with a strey bullet, not in combat or anything just after math of arabs with guns, so i'm in the VA in Bellville and there are a bunch of army men in there, so i'm talking to this guy in a wheel chair and he has a cut off on that says stumpy, but he had both of his legs, so we get to talking and he asks me what got me in there and i told him and i asked him what happened to him, this is a big buff body builder looking guy, i am expecting him to say somthing heroic, i dont know why but i just had that feeling, any ways he starts off, "well i prevously served a 1 year tour back in the sand box, and it was nothing so i volunteered to go back and i was over there for 7 months when i said screw it i dont want to be here anymore" so with out telling anyone he wants to go home he waits till his next patrol and one the patrol he takes out his m85 and shoots himself. and he said next thing he knows he was home. I asked this soldier where he shot himself and he said "well i trying to shoot myself in the ass but i guess i shot the tip of my dick off " i didnt believe him at first but i later found out he wasnt lying. Leave it to an Army man


Semper Fi

sgt8089
12-21-07, 06:57 AM
New Virus

Have you heard about this??? Sounds bad?

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

sgt8089
12-21-07, 06:59 AM
To my friends with Children: Why parents drink !

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ,"
whispered the small
voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."


Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?" "
Yes ."


"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "
No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ,"
whispered the child, " a policeman "..

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy
and Mommy and the Fireman ,"
came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"


" A helicopter "
answered the whispering voice.

"What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The
search team just landed a helicopter ."


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

" ME ."

sgt8089
12-21-07, 07:00 AM
486-5731

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

" No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."

Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy ."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?"
"No, I think you have the wrong number......"

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

sgt8089
12-21-07, 10:26 AM
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild"?
He doubts it, so she shows him.
Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, but did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice?"
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

sgt8089
12-21-07, 10:26 AM
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild"?
He doubts it, so she shows him.
Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, but did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice?"
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

2PW
12-21-07, 10:52 AM
Here's How She Does it Everyone ...



<HR align=center width="100%" color=#8c735a noShade SIZE=1>
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. He was then caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch:
'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!-----------GET READY!!!!-------

sgt8089
12-21-07, 12:12 PM
SON OF A ***** FISH.


The parish priest went on a fishing trip.


On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.


The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a *****!"


"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"


"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a ***** fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a *****!"


Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.


"Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen"


"Yes, it is a big Son of a *****. What should I do with it?"


"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a *****!"


Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


"Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!"


Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"


"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a ***** fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?"


Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a *****", she said.


As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.


"What are you doing Sister?"


"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishop's Dinner"


"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"


"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a ***** Fish."


"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a ***** can be the main course!


Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****."


On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.


The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.


The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


" I caught that Son of a *****!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I cleaned the Son of a *****!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe!


The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You ****ers are my kind of people!"

sgt8089
12-21-07, 12:18 PM
SON OF A ***** FISH.


The parish priest went on a fishing trip.


On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.


The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a *****!"


"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"


"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a ***** fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a *****!"


Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.


"Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen"


"Yes, it is a big Son of a *****. What should I do with it?"


"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a *****!"


Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


"Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!"


Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"


"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a ***** fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?"


Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a *****", she said.


As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.


"What are you doing Sister?"


"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishop's Dinner"


"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"


"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a ***** Fish."


"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a ***** can be the main course!


Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****."


On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.


The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.


The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"


" I caught that Son of a *****!" proclaimed the proud priest.


"And I cleaned the Son of a *****!" exclaimed the Sister.


The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe!


The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You ****ers are my kind of people!"

Ed Palmer
01-02-08, 03:40 PM
Top Ten Country Western Songs



10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

Ed Palmer
01-03-08, 06:45 AM
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a
message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your
Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment.
'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps
you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig,
but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.'

sgt8089
01-04-08, 12:10 PM
Bush Has Feelings Too
George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!

sgt8089
01-04-08, 12:12 PM
Retired
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
We really have no trouble in finding interesting things to do.
For example, the other day I went downtown to go to the newsstand
for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments.
I was in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus.
The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said...
"Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.






When we worry, we believe more in our problems than in God's promises !

sgt8089
01-04-08, 12:13 PM
I KNOW, THIS IS THE 1ST ONE OF THE YEAR. AND THE LAST FOR ME......



GO AHEAD AND READ THIS, MAYBE SOMEONE WILL ACTUALLY READ THIS AND STOP DOING THIS

LMAO........
>
>
>
> Summary of My Year on the Computer>
>
>
>
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in
> the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
> every> envelope that needs sealing.
>
>
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
>
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
> the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
> participating in their special email program.
>
>
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
> out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
>
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
> water buffalo on a hot day.
>
>
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
> minutes.
>
>
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
>
> because it can remove toilet stains.
>
>
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
> car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
>
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.
>
>
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
>
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...
> Disfiguring me for life.
>
>
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
>
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
>
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
> actually Al Qaeda in disguise..
>
>
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
>
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
> Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan
>
>
>
> I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my
> free replacement pair from Nike.
>
>
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
>
> since I now have their recipe.
>
>
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
> brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
> death when it bites my ass.
>
>
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
>
> I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
> everything.
>
>
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the
> parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
>
>
> Oh, and don't forget this one either!
>
>
>
> I can no longer drive my car because
>
> I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
>
>
> If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47
> minutes,
>
> a large dove with diarrhea will **** your head at 5:47 p.m. this
> afternoon
>
> and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your crotch, causing you to
> grow a hairy hump.
> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
> next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's
> beautician.
>
>
>
> Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina, after a
> lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and
> sexual activity read their
>
> email with their hand on the mouse. >
>
> Don't bother taking it off now....it's too late!

Ed Palmer
01-05-08, 06:56 AM
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and
reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so
she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,
"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about
this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if
you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound
it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite
rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around
combination; and it's on sale
this week for only $20 ..00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all
that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally
breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no
way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be
$34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you
get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is
$20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Ed Palmer
01-08-08, 06:49 AM
Drug screening










URINE TEST
(I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE pat on the back!)

I HAVE TO PASS A URINE TEST FOR MY JOB ... SO I AGREE 100%

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their Fanny, doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though . . . Something has to change in this country -- and soon!

sgt8089
01-08-08, 08:18 AM
Aisle Seat

Two Arab Islamic extremists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on: this fighting between our nations, this hatred, this animosity, this spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MARINES, THE BEST!

Phantom Blooper
01-08-08, 11:16 AM
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely, (Campground Owner) :p

sgt8089
01-08-08, 12:23 PM
I may have disturbed you



There have been many times when I may have disturbed you,
Troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you,
Or gotten on your nerves with all the e-mails I send out.
So today I just wanted to tell you....

[]
Tough ****...
I PLAN TO CONTINUE in
2008
SGT8089


"Good friends are like stars........You don't always see them, but
you know they are always there.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their
way.

sgt8089
01-08-08, 01:32 PM
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to
be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what
do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he
places the other hand on
top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks
Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until
next Wednesday."

sgt8089
01-10-08, 01:18 PM
I rear-ended a car this morning.
After we pull off the road the driver slowly gets out of his car. . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Well, I could NOT believe it. . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . and that's when the fight started . . .

Ed Palmer
01-11-08, 02:01 PM
An 80 year old was married for the fourth time, to a mortician. A
reporter thought this was fascinating, and interviewed her for a public
interest column. When asked about her marriages, the woman described her
various husbands.
When she was 20, she said, she married a banker, but he died later of an
unexpected illness. Then she married again at 40--this time to the ring
master of a 3 ring circus. They travelled together for many years, until
he too became ill and passed away. Then at 60, the woman married a pastor
and finally the moritican. The reporter asked her if she had picked these
men with random occupations or if she had a system which she used to
choose her men.

She had one for the money.....
Two for the show.......
Three to get ready.....
and four to go

Phantom Blooper
01-12-08, 09:23 AM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Ed Palmer
01-12-08, 09:34 AM
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

mcvet57103
01-12-08, 09:54 AM
A Marine, Airmen, Soldier, and Sailor were flying in a military transport plane, when they started arguing over which one was more dedicated to their branch.
The Soldier stood up and walked to the open door and said "Soldiers are the most dedicated" shouted "THIS IS FOR THE ARMY!" and jumps out the door sans parachute.
The Airmen not to be outdone walks to the door and shouts "THIS IS FOR THE AIR FORCE" and jumps.
The Sailor and Marine run to the door and watch the Airmen falling.
The Marine not to be outdone shouts "THIS IS FOR THE CORPS!" and throws the Sailor out the door.

Ed Palmer
01-15-08, 09:29 AM
Wal-Mart has announced that it would begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable
price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important".

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

2PW
01-15-08, 10:01 PM
<!-- type = text --><SCRIPT defer type=text/javascript>YAHOO.Shortcuts.hasSensitiveText = true;YAHOO.Shortcuts.sensitivityType = ["sensitive_news_terms", "adult"];YAHOO.Shortcuts.doUlt = false;YAHOO.Shortcuts.location = "us";YAHOO.Shortcuts.lang = "us";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_id = 0;YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_type = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_title = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_publish_date = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_author = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_url = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.document_tags = "";YAHOO.Shortcuts.annotationSet = {"lw_1200455049_0": {"text": "Europe","extended": 0,"startchar": 6871,"endchar": 6876,"start": 6871,"end": 6876,"extendedFrom": "","predictedCategory": "PLACE","predictionProbability": "0.996689","weight": 0.35,"type": ["shortcuts:/us/instance/place/destination", "shortcuts:/us/instance/place/zz/continent"],"category": ["PLACE"],"context": "of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives first came to","metaData": {"geoIsoCountryCode": "ZZ","geoLocation": "(15, 53)","geoName": "Europe","geoPlaceType": "Continent","type": "shortcuts:/us/instance/place/zz/continent"} },"lw_1200455049_1": {"text": "Ronald Reagan","extended": 0,"startchar": 8385,"endchar": 8397,"start": 8385,"end": 8397,"extendedFrom": "","predictedCategory": "PERSON","predictionProbability": "0.998347","weight": 0.397719,"type": ["shortcuts:/us/instance/person/actor", "shortcuts:/us/instance/person/government/world_leader", "shortcuts:/us/tag/news/person"],"category": ["PERSON"],"context": "the U.S was too strong Ronald Reagan 1911 2004 Start the year" },"lw_1200455049_2": {"text": "Easy ways to stay in shape","extended": 0,"startchar": 8765,"endchar": 8790,"start": 8765,"end": 8790,"extendedFrom": "","predictedCategory": "","predictionProbability": "0","weight": 1,"type": ["shortcuts:/us/instance/identifier/hyperlink/http"],"category": ["IDENTIFIER"],"context": "Start the year off right Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year","metaData": {"linkHref": "http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489","linkProtocol": "http","linkRel": "nofollow","linkTarget": "_blank","linkTitle": "http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489"} }};YAHOO.Shortcuts.overlaySpaceId = "97546169";YAHOO.Shortcuts.hostSpaceId = "97546168";</SCRIPT><META><STYLE></STYLE>Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.



<DL><DL><DL><DL><DD> <DD>The two most important events in all of history were:
</DD></DL><DD> </DD><DL><DD>1. The invention of beer, and
<DD> <DD>2. The invention of the wheel.
</DD></DL><DD>
</DD><DL><DD>The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
</DD></DL><DD> </DD><DL><DD>These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
</DD></DL><DD><DD> 1. Liberals
<DD> </DD><DL><DD> <DD>2. Conservatives
</DD></DL><DD>
</DD></DL><DD> </DD><DL><DL><DD>Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet for shipping the beer, so early humans stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
</DD></DL><DD> </DD><DL><DD>Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BB Q at night while they were drinking beer. <DD>This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
</DD></DL><DD> </DD></DL><DL><DL><DD>Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and do the sewing, fetching, and shampooing and dressing of hair. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.
<DD> <DD>Some of these liberal men evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
</DD></DL><DD> </DD><DL><DD>Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of socialism so they could divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
<DD> <DD>Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. <DD>Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
<DD> <DD>Modern liberals like imported beer (with a lime or an orange added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish (but like their beef well done), sushi, tofu, and French food. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals.

<DD> <DD>Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women and families. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies like to hire other conservatives because they want to work for a living.
<DD> <DD>Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. <DD>Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives first came to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
</DD></DL><DD>
</DD><DL><DD>This ends today's lesson in world history.......
<DD> <DD>It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this history lesson before forwarding it.
</DD></DL><DD> </DD><DL><DD>A Conservative on the other hand, will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history lesson that this email will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and maybe to liberals just to **** them off....</DD></DL></DL></DL></DL>

nc.gal
01-17-08, 03:11 PM
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

nc.gal
01-17-08, 03:15 PM
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bit ch , NAKED!!"


Horny Parrot

mcvet57103
01-17-08, 07:16 PM
Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!! ", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that' s the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?" She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked

thedrifter
01-18-08, 08:38 AM
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were
conducting speeding enforcement
on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers
was using a hand held
radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching
near the crest of a
hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar
gun began reading 300
miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the
radar gun, but it would
not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops
revealed that the radar had in
fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was
engaged in a low flying
exercise
near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain
fired off a complaint to
the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to
complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the
tactical computer in the
Hornet had detected the presence of, and
subsequently locked onto your
hostile
radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming
signal back to it.
Furthermore, and air to ground missile aboard the
fully armed aircraft had
also
automatically locked onto your equipment.
Fortunately the Marine Pilot
flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what
it was, quickly
responded to
the missile system alert status and was able to
override the automated
defense
system before the missile was launched and your
hostile radar was
destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

thedrifter
01-18-08, 08:42 AM
Military Wit and Wisdom

'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
--------------------------------------------------
'Aim towards the Enemy' - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
--------------------------------------------------
'When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is not our friend.' - U.S. Marine Corps
--------------------------------------------------
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed always to hit the ground.' - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------ ---------------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------------
'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.' - Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.' - U.S.
Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
----------------------------------------------------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
----------------------------------------------------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds' - Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.' - U.S Navy Swabbie
------------------------------------------ ----------
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' - David Hackworth
-----------------------------------------------------
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - unknown
------------------------------------------------------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' Unknown
Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
------------------------------------------------------
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------- ---------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------------------------------------------------
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky.' From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
------------------------------------------------------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------------------------------------------------
'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'
------------------------------------------------------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot
dies.'
------------------------------------------------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
-----------------------------------------------------
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
------------------------------------------------------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the
flight successfully.'
-----------------------------------------------------
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
------- -----------------------------------------------
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to
store dead batteries.'
------------------------------------------------------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing
anything about it.'
-------------------------------------------------------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum.' - Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible.' - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------
'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit.' - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------
'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'
------------------------------------------------------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
-------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of
it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.'
------------------------------------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. The
pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

2PW
01-20-08, 05:18 PM
Getting Into Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in"?
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word"? the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been"?
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head and here I am. How do I get in"?
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word"? her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

Ed Palmer
01-21-08, 08:27 AM
Again discrimination rears its ugly head ..


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_3394450797000000web81814_mail_m.jpg

Ed Palmer
01-21-08, 03:42 PM
A man owned a small farm in Minnesota

The Minnesota State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying
proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $350 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board,

I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And he also sleeps
with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

2PW
01-23-08, 12:34 AM
<DD>I found this beautiful winter poem
</DD>

<DD>a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre



<DD>







<DD> </DD>



<DD>

</DD>

2PW
01-23-08, 07:11 PM
WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?


Some times you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either..'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing on the beach?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked,
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" vAlign=top width="100%">'Then why do you give a ****?'
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

sgt8089
01-24-08, 02:05 PM
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

sgt8089
01-24-08, 02:06 PM
Blonde in Starbucks....
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
"I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"

sgt8089
01-24-08, 02:07 PM
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Wal-Mart!

Why WAL-MART?
It's the Largest RETAILER in the world !!!

mcvet57103
01-24-08, 03:40 PM
A man decides to clone himself and has it done, but the clone turns out to be his evil side. The clone follows him around all day and night, and whenever he meets someone with a pleasent greeting the clone pipes in with something nasty, and insulting like "Go f*** yourself".

This goes on for several days and finally he thinks to himself, "I have to find a way to get rid of my clone."

He comes up with a plan, and invites the clone up on a cliff to enjoy the view. While the clone is looking out over the vast openness, the man pushes him off the cliff and he dies.

He is quickly arrested and convicted.

But, it wasn't for murder,

it was for


"Making an obscene clone fall".

sgt8089
01-25-08, 02:12 PM
SEVEN KINDS OF SEX
Results of a recent research shows that
there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf
Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen
Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are
so needy you will have sex anywhere,
even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom
Sex.
This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway
Sex
This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say
'screw you.'

The 5t h kind of sex is called: Religious
Sex
Which means you get Nun in the
morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not
enough to enjoy yourself.



PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT
STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.

jrhd97
01-25-08, 10:01 PM
ONLY IN AMERICA !

Only In America... Can pizza get to your house faster than an
Ambulance.

Only In America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
Skating rink.

Only In America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
Back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
Buy cigarettes at the front.

Only In America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
And a diet coke.

Only In America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
Pens to the counters.

Only In America...do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars
In the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only In America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
Then have Call Waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
Want to talk to in the first place.

Only In America...do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in
Packages of eight.

Only In America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
Process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tic" meaning
"bloodsucking" creatures.

Only In America...do they have driveup ATM machines with Braille
Lettering.

Only In America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard
Box and a draft dodger live in a White House.

Ed Palmer
01-26-08, 06:54 AM
Saw a billboard that said,

"Need help, call Jesus."

1-800-005-3787.


...Out of curiosity I did.





A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

Ed Palmer
01-26-08, 12:48 PM
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:


"SEX FROGS"
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . l ooking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!"

thedrifter
01-30-08, 02:08 PM
Blonde Cookbook



It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Ed Palmer
01-30-08, 03:39 PM
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who
had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we
have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics. "

The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he
thought would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said, "We
Greeks invented sex!"

The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the
Italians who introduced it to women."

mcvet57103
01-31-08, 04:41 PM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of

Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call

Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered
were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course,

Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour

himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,

and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and

just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new

concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants

and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,

there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge

erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

jrhd97
01-31-08, 10:04 PM
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us
know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said,
"OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that
it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to
hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband
getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting
room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side
door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband
arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved,
so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's
pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

jrhd97
01-31-08, 10:06 PM
Tragedy

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an
accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al.
'That's what we would call a great loss. ' The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic!' exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
an accident either.

Ed Palmer
02-03-08, 11:53 AM
Catholic Gas

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Ed Palmer
02-03-08, 12:00 PM
Star Trek

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, Su lu who is Chinese, but no Arabs.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "because it takes place in the future."

Ed Palmer
02-08-08, 09:13 AM
First time
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy
a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman
assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."=

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her
blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that
all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip
the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have
much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately,
I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a
few minutes.= She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
"Did you put that condom on?" she asked.=

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.=

Ed Palmer
02-08-08, 09:16 AM
The new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says , .. "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shxt... what happened next?!!"

thedrifter
02-13-08, 07:12 PM
The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:








'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf';)

semperfiman
02-14-08, 07:40 PM
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.



"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It
reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men."

"What's your name?" she asked.



With a smile he replied, "B.J. Titsenbeer"

thedrifter
02-15-08, 01:29 PM
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week".

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot take money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his Bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.

jrhd97
02-16-08, 10:32 PM
Tree Hugger...

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass , OR .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree
to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor She told
him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to
get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great
patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would
see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the
doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long? "

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

GOD BLESS AMERICA

jrhd97
02-16-08, 10:35 PM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the cook over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the politicians? '

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of Shat, it takes all morning."

jrhd97
02-18-08, 10:28 AM
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
ne vertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and
dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- bu t at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing
to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an
informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For
now...

Phantom Blooper
02-19-08, 07:15 AM
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh
when he decided to take a leak....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, his doctor approaches him.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be all right, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh well, I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied, "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to place your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

Ed Palmer
02-20-08, 08:56 AM
Take care...pretty cute....love...




Don't Wake your Neighbors!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

JinxJr
02-20-08, 09:21 AM
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."



After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."



Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.



The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Phantom Blooper
02-21-08, 05:05 AM
FEMALE COMPASSION (NEVER TO BE UNDERESTIMATED)


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'


The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'


The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been f*cked?'

The fellow said 'No.'

She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.':banana:

mcvet57103
02-21-08, 04:53 PM
<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; WIDTH: 96.72%; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" width="96%">

The Old Man and the Marine


</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>



</TD><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .




The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to Speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

2PW
02-21-08, 11:22 PM
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.. Let's see now. . .



No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey...
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!


I mean really, is there a mystery here???

thedrifter
02-22-08, 08:02 AM
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Texas on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed “Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I’ve ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone’s dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!”

The first hunter nodded and said; “Well, it’s the least I could do. We were married for 42 years.”

thedrifter
02-22-08, 08:06 AM
http://www.garyrose.com/toons/181.gif

Phantom Blooper
02-26-08, 04:05 AM
I have a friend living in Texas who has a quarter horse for adoption. If you, or anyone you know may be interested, please let me know.
Below is a picture of the beauty. Take care.
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Phantom Blooper
02-26-08, 09:21 AM
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with
himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have
her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious
dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was
willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash
on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so
the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that
rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly
agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce
department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman turned blue & slumped to
the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any
living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle
the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie,
the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security
cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
before he could even leave the store. Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....
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"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!" :banana:

Ed Palmer
02-26-08, 11:15 AM
Big Game Hunter

Big Game Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Magnum rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you! You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,

"Skunk, killed with an axe!"=

Static_Sky25
02-26-08, 10:23 PM
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device
to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began
reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun,
but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the
radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a
low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol C aptain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal
back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed
aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the
situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert
status and was able to override the automated defense system before the
missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at
them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist
to check his left rear molar . It appears the filling is loose. Also,
the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.

Phantom Blooper
02-29-08, 11:57 PM
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more, just for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks her, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She looks into his eyes and says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and
you're knot getting your money back!

Phantom Blooper
03-05-08, 08:23 PM
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Dick and Jane Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Jane wanted to out do all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Jane got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak.

When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Jane decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Jane watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was going to be a great success, and Jane even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Jane's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Jane went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left.

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said,


"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"

2PW
03-06-08, 12:59 AM
Drinking with a Redneck Girl


A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses
are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the
air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican
and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a
refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

'GodBlessAmerica


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thedrifter
03-06-08, 09:58 AM
USAF Maintenance Forms

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn't’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for.

ringoffire
03-06-08, 10:12 AM
Women Knowing Their Places

Barbara Walters of television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still
walk behind their husbands. From Miss Walter's vantage point,
despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now
seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and were happy to
maintain the old custom.

Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why
do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?'

The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation, said..... 'Land Mines.'

MORAL OF THIS STORY:
BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A VERY SMART WOMAN.

Phantom Blooper
03-06-08, 08:12 PM
The Redneck and the Policeman

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his
dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed
into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and
asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree
outside?"

The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in
heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's
tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your
dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need
bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this
mornin'." The exasperated

policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog
wants to have sex!"


The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go
ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

Ed Palmer
03-07-08, 03:29 PM
Murphy's Other Fifteen Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things
left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

thedrifter
03-08-08, 12:54 PM
Things that are difficult to say when drunk....


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

thedrifter
03-08-08, 12:56 PM
Larry Miller and his Five Levels of Drinking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6OZKdHWY58

Ellie

thedrifter
03-08-08, 12:58 PM
For those who slept through World History 101..... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before passing it on.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be passed on immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to yank their chain.

Ed Palmer
03-10-08, 06:54 AM
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.)"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more"

thedrifter
03-11-08, 05:59 AM
Which Branch of the Service Do Your Prefer?

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15
pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This
is
****!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on his
back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and

marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon

in hand, after having had a 10 mile swim to shore, a five crawl through

swamps, and a 25 mile march in jungle, at night, through enemy
positions, says with a grin, "This really is great ****."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp
with a 65 pound pack on his back and a 15 pound weapon in each hand,
after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean,
swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the

swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy
camp, says, "I love this ****."

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted
office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

Ed Palmer
03-12-08, 07:20 AM
NEWS FLASH
According to Scuttlebutt the legendary One Arm Paper Hanger has retired.


"Busy as a Politician in whorre house" expression will assume the Paper Hanger's previous duties

Kerch
03-14-08, 02:42 AM
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids. . . lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
There is no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half low-fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuchino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude, I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:
Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it costs less than a dollar. What do you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "Beef with Broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damn exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called
"The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, Ill go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you will have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be as movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.


Kerch

Kerch
03-14-08, 02:45 AM
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kerch

Kerch
03-14-08, 02:49 AM
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response :
Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative-you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing current protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,



V. Gina

thedrifter
03-17-08, 08:06 AM
Changes to Recruit Training
In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

Haircuts
Marines: Heads will be shaved.
Army: Stylish flat-top's for all recruits.
Navy: No haircut standard.
Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

Training Hours:
Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.

Meals:
Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy: 3 hot meals.
Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

Leave And Liberty:
Marines: None.
Army: 4 hours a week.
Navy: 2 days a week.
Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Protocol:
Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."
Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other.

Decorations/Awards:
Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

Camouflage Uniforms:
Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

Career Fields:
Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

thedrifter
03-17-08, 08:07 AM
The proper use of the F____ word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the F-word. However, there have been ten times in history where the "F" word has been acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1999


And Number 1 . . . drum roll please . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." -Saddam Hussein, 2003

thedrifter
03-17-08, 08:15 AM
There's Something about a Gunny . . . .


One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.

When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.

They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.

At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant’s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.

At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other
superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

thedrifter
03-17-08, 08:23 AM
Sergeants' Methods




A group of Sergeants and a group of Air Force Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”

And the moral of the story?

Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

thedrifter
03-17-08, 08:34 AM
If World War II Was an RTS

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*


What If the Iraq War was a RTS

*** buSH has joined #international_diplomacy

buSH: going to rush saddam wanna join.
JacCHrik: noway man not rdy yet wait
coaler: cant join need better gov rating.

buSH: right! You guys are allied with saDDam huh.
JacCHrik: buSH you noob wait we help later.
BuSH: FU I go now

*** JacCHrik has left #international_diplomacy

buSH: LOL. We don't need you cheese eating surrender monkeys! coal, you in? great blitzkrieg area
coaler: nine gov rating to low need to wait.

***coalerhas left #international_diplomacy

*** saDDAm has joined #international_diplomacy

buSH: hey saDy, give us weapons, give us tribute or we invade
saDDam: we got nothing our techtree soks
buSH: ya right we saw you plaster your internal revolt
saDDam: big mistake hit wrong key. no money no tech
buSH: let us send units in to see, share your map with us
SaDDam: right do I Iook stupid, you see what I have then rush me
***SaDDAm left #international_diplomacy

*** buSH has joined channel #unilateralism

#unilateralism:
bagDadBob: we winning buSH soks
buSH: look east, look west, look south, look in the middle your captial.
BagDadBob: WTF where they come from, cheat you haked the game, where you get that hak

***iraq has been eliminated


*** bagDadBob has left the channel.


buSH: awesome we rule mission accomplished!
***buSH cheers
***buSH does a dance


#occupation
****GENgarner has joined #occupation
****GENgarner has left #occupation
****pBremer has joinded #occupation
pBremer: cool I have palaces
*** zarCOWI has joined #occupation

zarCOWI: we have bombs.
pBremer: us too
zarCOWI: we strap ours to women and childern
pBremer: WTF, sh** you crazy
**** pBremer has disconnected
****pBremer has rejoined #occupation
pBremer: d**** power need to get that fixed


***zarCOWI has developed IDE
***US units capture saDDAM
***saDDAM joins prison channel


#press
*** msm has joined #press

msm: look, I found bad pictures gross out. people being tortured I thought this game was rated for everyone need to report to hilliary and company
zarCOWI: buSH soks.
buSH: great now the rating police are going to shut the game down.

Ed Palmer
03-26-08, 02:12 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive."

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands
it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:


Women are clever, evil b1tches.
Don't mess with them.

thedrifter
03-28-08, 06:41 AM
CHP vs. USMC

Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it
would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant
Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

mcvet57103
03-28-08, 04:57 PM
[quote=thedrifter]CHP vs. USMC

How many times we gonna get this joke? I recall reading this at least twice already. Still good though :banana:

jrhd97
03-31-08, 06:00 PM
Help America - spend your rebate wisely.

The federal government is sending each and every one of
us a rebate this year. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money
will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs or
Venezuela. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we
purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan If we
purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy. The only way to keep
that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are
the only products still produced in the US. Thank you for your help.

Signed, Governor Spitzer

thedrifter
04-02-08, 01:48 PM
One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.

When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.

They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.

At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant’s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.

At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other
superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

Gary
04-02-08, 02:26 PM
drifter that was great. :D good too see your still around, how you been (Elle):cool:

Ed Palmer
04-04-08, 08:32 AM
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

He found that the problem was excessive hair in his ears.

So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady that if she wanted to keep the problem from recurring she should get some

'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemists and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the counter the male assistant told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The male assistant says, 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. And if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The male assistant said, 'Well, stay off your bike for a week.'

Ed Palmer
04-04-08, 08:37 AM
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.

To enter the convents' grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling
under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, 'I feel like a Marine.'

The second replies, 'Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?

thedrifter
04-08-08, 10:36 AM
The #2 pencil...

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

Ed Palmer
04-10-08, 10:41 AM
While sipping his tequila, the cowboy noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"


The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"


The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."


The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."


The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

matti6
04-11-08, 06:49 PM
a momma whale and a baby whale were swimming in the ocean they see a big Naval ship. The momma whale tells the baby whale to swim over next to the ship and hump up against the ship and see what happens. The baby whale swims over and humps up against the ship, he looks up and sees all the squids cheer and clap and raise hell. He swims back to momma whale and said wow that was cool. Then the momma whale tells the baby whale to go up to the ship and blow water out of his blow hole. So the baby whale swims over and blows out water and again the squids clap their hands and cheer. He swims back to the momma whale and she tells him it gets better, this time go over and bump the ship really hard and knock some of those squids off the boat and eat them. Baby whale goes over and barely bumps the boat and swims back to momma. She says why didn't you hit it harder and knock some of those squids off? Baby whale says " look mom I might hump, bump and blow but I'll be dammed if I'm gonna swallow any seamen"!