Chuckles of the Day...

[BELOW270]

There was once this Blonde. She walked into a bar!!!
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Literally!
HAHAHA... I always have loved that blonde joke!

[Ed Palmer]

Ole





All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first legal drink. So when Ole' s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st
birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and
his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father,
grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."

A Minnesota story!!!

[Ed Palmer]

An elderly man approached a very beautiful young woman in Wal-Mart.

"Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow. Can you talk to me for
a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said,
"Certainly, Sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t&ts like yours,
my Wife appears out of nowhere."

[BELOW270]

Little Johnny came back from school. His mom asked him how is day was.
He replied saying," i had s*x with a teacher". His mom shouted at him telling him to go to his room till dad got home.
When his dad go home he asked how Johnny's day was and he told him that he had sex with a teacher! His dad said, "today is the day you became a man. Did you still want that bike?"
Johnny said," No, I want a soccer ball and i cant ride the bike cos my bum hurts"!

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: The Elderly Sportsman

Once upon a time, an elderly gentleman went to a drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

[thedrifter]

BRAIN CRAMPS (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." And "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[davblay]

Subject: Fwd: Flight Attendant
>
> THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
> My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
>
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
>
> and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
> be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

> just put your trays up, that would be super."
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
> me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
> Trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called
> A Princess and I take orders from no one."
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, *****."</pre>

[Ed Palmer]

Who Am I?
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his
usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both
cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the
homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a
hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
seven times."

[sgt8089]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[Ed Palmer]

NEVER CHEAT ON HILLBILLY WOMAN!!!!!


A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and
cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door,
and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker
in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she
picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up hillbilly was terrified,
and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty
damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put
the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old
shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

[Phantom Blooper]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Phantom Blooper]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My word!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" :beer:

[SlingerDun]

1 dozen Gobs lay down their swabs to whip one sick Marine, when the smoke had cleared a dozen more stood up and cheared and said it was the fairest fight they had ever seen

[thedrifter]

Romance

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became

Aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her

Back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,

He proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over

Her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He

Continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing

Then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to

Do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to

Better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.

He whispered back, 'I found the remote!

[Ed Palmer]

80 yr old biker

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.


One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you
have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there"
and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2

packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the

evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"


The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[Ed Palmer]

This just struck me funny…


A Fairy Tale you might enjoy ...
One day,
long, long ago there was this woman
who surprisingly, was
not controlling or overbearing........
But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just that ONE day

[Ed Palmer]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
Responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... Pregnant when you met her."


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_01459B34-CF54-4DCC-8286-EEAC243.gif

[Ed Palmer]

TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife turning back And forth, looking at her self in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked What she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still Looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, Made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, And then took her to Six Flags Theme park . What a day ! He put her on every Ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... Everything
There was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her Stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he Ordered her a Happy Meal with Extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she Wobbled home with her
Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and Lovingly asked, Well Dear,
What was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression Suddenly changed.
I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is Listening, he is going to get it wrong.


BOOGIEMAN

[Ed Palmer]

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading
universities,
were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor
to the student from UCLA, What is the opposite of
joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young
lady from Clemson..
"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas
A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texas A&M student replied, "Sir, I believe that
would be giddy up".

[Dave Coup]

:D A litlle morning poem

'Tarzan swings,
Tarzan falls,
Jane then grabs him by the balls,
That's why Tarzan always calls,
Aah ee, Aah ee, Aah ee, Aah:D

[thedrifter]

It's all in the Towel ??



...about that towel

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their Rabbi
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help wife fantasize
and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the Rabbi's
advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as
they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again they
follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young
man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!";)

[thedrifter]

The Driver's Licence ( Joke)


A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[Ed Palmer]

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it and
figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Ken really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry,
but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat
Larry! Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.


Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened
to you?"


Larry replied, "I have been in jail."


"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"


"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"


"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"


"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years
old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[thedrifter]

Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week . . . And pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

15. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

16. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

21. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

22. A group of Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the monastery to close down, but they would not. They were doing great business & tax free! He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest vicious thug in town. He trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

23. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

24. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

25. Two cannibals are eating a clown.One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?

[ROHO]

A filthy rich south Texas man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited randy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. Randy was having a good time drinkin, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the ladies. At the hight of the party, the host said " I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump-in." The words were bearly out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Randy in the pool!! Randy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!! randy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, bitting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Randy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. finally Randy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Randy then slowly climbed out or
the pool. Everyone was just staring at him indisbelief. finally the host says, "well, Randy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it, said Randy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it, "answered Randy. The host asid, "come on, I insist on giving you something. that was amazing. How about a new Porsch and a rolex and some stock options?" again Randy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "well, Randy, then what do you want? Randy said, "I want the name of the SUMBITH who pushed me in the pool.

[Ed Palmer]

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

"OK", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

[froggman]

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for? " The bride to be said: "A long
frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then
said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature
are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the
first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I
mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice? ". " Well," replied the
customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you
that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite
all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see,
my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a
terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that
wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again." "What
about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "That one was a
Liberal Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he
just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

[sgt8089]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................




OH, Come on...take a guess!


Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is..


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[davblay]

Subject: 2 books to read

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:....... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[froggman]

[From a Friend] Way to go Texas!!

Texas Logic

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texas engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total. saysthe Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a Lonestar beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water"........

[davblay]

-----



THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.


Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.


When all eyes stared at him, he said,


"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... ..I'm a gynecologist."




That's when the proctologist fainted.

[sgt8089]

The Kitchen *****
>
>A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room.
>She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
>*****es who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last
>stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are ge tting on , get your
>asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
>
>The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
>of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
>are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
>your train...but I want you to use nice language."
>
>Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with
>his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
>"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your
>trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
>
>She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding,
>remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
>pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
>
>As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you w ho
>are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the
>kitchen".

[thedrifter]

Furious George

This is George.

George was an angry little monkey, always getting mad at things he should ignore, always quick to blame other people for things he did himself, and always very furious.

George lived with the man with the yellow pills, who he also called the man with the yellow hat. The yellow pills made George calm and almost okay to live with.

One day George and the man with the yellow hat went out for a drive in the country. George wanted to drive the little blue car but the man with the yellow hat said "George, that's not safe. You don't know how to drive. Remember the time you stole the police car and ran over all those people at the bus stop because you thought they were looking at you?"

George didn't like being reminded of that story. He had to go talk to a judge because of it and the judge made George take the yellow pills that made him sleepy.

George got mad when the man with the yellow hat said that to him so he ripped off the man's hat and threw it in the creek by the side of the road. For the rest of the day, George called him "The man without the yellow hat."

Today was a nice day to be outside and George decided he would build a tree house. George wasn't very good at building things, but somehow, he decided this would be the best tree house ever.

George asked the man with the yellow hat if he'd give him a ride to the lumberyard, but the man said "No, George, the car won't work because someone put sugar in the gas tank. Do you know who put sugar in the gas tank, George?" George said he didn't know, but really he did. George put sugar in the man with the yellow hat's gas tank on account of he believed the man had stolen the prize out of his cereal box. Later, he remembered that he dug the prize out as soon as he opened the box and soon thereafter broke it.

George walked to the lumberyard and stole some pieces of wood. He distracted the men who worked there by starting a fire at one end of the yard and when they ran to put it out, George stole some of what he needed. He'd need to start many more fires to get all the wood the tree house called for, but that was to worry about another day.

When George got back home, he started to look for his tools. He needed a saw, a hammer, a level and a door plumb. He looked in the man with the yellow hat's toolbox, but couldn't find the saw. Then, George remembered he'd left it outside the week before when he was making a soapbox derby racecar that he never even came close to finishing.

The man with the yellow hat had warned him to bring all the tools back in, but clearly he didn't warn him well enough. This was everybody's fault but his own thought George. The saw was stiff and rusty and was coming loose from the handle.

George knew he needed to get a new saw. George knew he'd have to buy it, which required money, yet one other thing George didn't have. But George did know where to get some. He opened the kitchen drawer and took out the envelope that said "RENT MONEY, DO NOT TOUCH" and took out a handful of twenties. That should be enough to buy the best saw in the world and enough ice cream to make him throw up in the gutter several times over.

George walked to the hardware store and cracked the front door open; he waved the money and then walked in. George had been told not to come back unless he had money because one time he ate a bag full of wing nuts and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance.

George looked all over the store for a saw, high and low, there and here, but couldn't find anything. George was terrible at looking for things because he didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing and his mind often wandered. Still, George was getting angry. In fact, he was getting one of those headaches he got right before he had "an episode" in which he broke all sorts of things and did terrible things that he didn't remember.

George wanted someone at the hardware store to help him, but one of the workers there was already helping another customer and the other guy was making keys for someone.

Then, George saw an old man who looked like he probably worked there. If George had looked a little closer, he'd have seen that the man was really just there to buy a drain snake, but George didn't pay close attention to what he was seeing.

George became very angry that the old man wasn't coming over to help him. George became so angry that he picked up a hammer and threw it at the man, hitting him on the back of the head. At that point, everything went kind of crazy in George's mind, but from what he could piece together, somehow, everything got twisted around and George was blamed for throwing the hammer and he had to run home while the employees and customers from the hardware store chased him along with the police and the jerks from Animal Control.

George spent the rest of the day hiding under the sofa, watching Animal Planet. He never did get that saw, the loads and loads of ice cream, or to build the tree house. George did hide the money he stole from the rent envelope though.

THE END.

[Phantom Blooper]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from
reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and
rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says: I'm not using it on my legs, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case don't ride your bike for ten days." :banana:

[thedrifter]

Homeland Security is collecting profiles on all air travelers, including such important information as where they sit on the plane and motor vehicle records. They're using this data to create a score to determine whether you're safe to fly the friendly skies, which they will store in a database and then promptly lose the password.


There are no legally published guidelines or SAT prep. The government won't let you see the score they've assigned you, because you might realize "Oh yes. I'm actually a Yemeni sleeper agent. Good thing I found out my score."


We have obtained a leaked copy of the scoring guidelines so you can take this test yourself. The higher you score, the higher your risk. Please don't look at anyone else's paper, and the penalty for guessing is a four-night stay at a hidden interrogation cell in Riyadh.

1. You have a screaming baby. 20 pts.
2. You are a screaming baby. 40 pts.
3. Your first name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
4. The bomb strapped to your chest is for 'self-defense'. 10 pts.
5. You stow your roller bag the wrong way in the overhead bin 30 pts
6. Your last name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
7. You prefer the middle seat. 50 pts.
8. You are a member of the mile-high club? 10 pts.
9. You've illegally downloaded music. 70 pts.
10. You demand the full can of soda during beverage service 20 pts.
11. Finish the sentence: Death to________! America – 50 pts. Britain – 10 pts. France – 0 pts.
12. You watch the inflight movie with your own headphones 20 pts.
13. You watch the entire safety demonstration every time you fly: 25 pts.
14. Both your first name and last name are Mohammad. 30 pts.
15. You ate the entire inflight meal. 40 pts.
16. You haven't illegally downloaded music, but the RIAA sent you a cease and desist letter anyway: 20 pts.
17. You lit matches to cover up for gas after eating the inflight meal. 20 pts.
18. You only have one name, and it is Mohammad 40 pts.
19. You root for the bad guys in "24". 60 pts.
20. You cut me off in the parking lot today: 95 pts.
21. You arrived in America in a shipping container. 20 pts.
22. You asked for a vegan meal. 60 pts.
23. You did the inflight magazine crossword puzzle in pen. 90 pts.
24. You show up 24 hours early to get a good seat when you fly Southwest. 15 pts.

Your Score
0 – you are lying and are a terrorist.
1-200: we're going to adjust your score to inflate our numbers for budgetary purposes.
201- 450: you're probably safe but we'll make you walk through the puffy air machine every time.
451-700: you've racked up enough frequent flier miles to fly free to Yemen.
701 or above: you are such a terrorist you are part of the plot in this season of "24".

Ellie

[Ed Palmer]

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed


The man thought for a long time about what ea ch woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alz heimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Dave Coup]

Fairy Tale

One day, long ago, there was a woman who surprisingly, never *****ed, nagged or whined.
But that was long ago and it was only one day.

The End

[Phantom Blooper]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?


Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change!:beer:

[sgt8089]

Flattened Frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the street,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him He came to a house of ill
repute, and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making
love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a
restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she's very
fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,
he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-*****
that ran over my frog."
Never underestimate a little kid

[sgt8089]

Italian boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or l ater, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please , Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[sgt8089]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more
than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one
of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would > have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him!

[thedrifter]

Political Humor
Showed up in my mailbox

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[thedrifter]

CAJUN HUNTING

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young Cajun boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy look down and said, "Well, how 'bout dat! , a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you onna do with him?"

The little Cajun boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!

[thedrifter]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

9. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Ed Palmer]

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,It warms the bed in winter,And suffocates the
fleas.
A fart can be quiet,A fart can be loud,Some leave a powerful,Poisonous
cloud A fart can be short,Or a fart can be long,Some farts have been
known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley,A
fart can be harmless,Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell,While
others are vile,A fart may pass quickly,Or linger a while......or A fart can
occur In a number of places,And leave everyone there,With strange looks on
their faces. From wide-open prairie,To small elevators,A fart will find
all of Us sooner or later. But saying farts are all bad,Is simply not true-We must
never forget.......Sweet old farts like you!

[Phantom Blooper]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Katie and Matty the wonder dogs at Wal-Mart, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!

You all have a great day now!!!

[LeonardLawrence]

LoL! An irish setter?!?!? I just spit my mothful of Eukanuba all over the screen. ROTFLMAO!




Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Katie and Matty the wonder dogs at Wal-Mart, and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!

You all have a great day now!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." :banana:

[DanBO]

The Robot

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tactic.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing , the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g

t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[Ed Palmer]

The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug
suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But
what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age we live
in,
Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went home and
said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget
it,"
said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

[Ed Palmer]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph, "but I have this strange
feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big
deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the
back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****tin in the bed!"

[yellowwing]

DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly
interesting.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All
teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together.


7. This chil d has been working with glue too
much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should
sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.


10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to
be watered twice a week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.


12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.



These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:


16 "You know, stop lights don't come any
redder than the one you just went through."


15 "Relax, the handcuffs
are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a
while."


14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."


13 "If you run, you'll only go to
jail tired."


12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because tha t's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing
you."


11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"


10 "Yes,
sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


9 "Warning! You
want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you
another ticket."


8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a
dog?"


7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."


6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."


5 "In God we trust, all others we run through
NCIC."


4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you
had?"


3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now
we're allowed to wri te as many tickets as we can."


2 "I'm glad to hear
that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know
someone who can post your bail."


AND THE WINNER IS....


1 "You
didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign
here."

[thedrifter]

Military rules, by Service

Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet even your friends.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines.

[sgt8089]

FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U. S. Dept of Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million..)


(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is

.000188

Statistics courtesy of the FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR
>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

We have withheld the statistics on

lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek
medical attention!

[sgt8089]

HE COWBOY
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work... You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[sgt8089]

MAXI PADS:
This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first
paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is starting
right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written
by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ' Have a Happy
Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull
sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Life is short - break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly,
laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

[thedrifter]

HOW THE BRITISH MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES

1. INFANTRY Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells
them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2. PARACHUTE REGIMENT Lands on and kills snake.

3. ARMOUR Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more
snakes.

4. CAVALRY Treats snake with haughty disdain as having
no impact on primary objective to hold London against
Roundheads at all costs.

5. ROYAL MARINE COMMANDO Plays with snake, gets
smashed with snake. Eats snake.

6. COMBAT ENGINEER Studies snake. Prepares tactical
plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets
and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of
command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug
by infantry and drowns.

7. ROYAL ARTILLERY Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.
Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on
snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and
all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. SPECIAL FORCES Makes contact with snake and,
ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport
with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.
Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses
claim. Writes best seller 'Python Two Zero'.

9. ARMY MEDICAL SERVICES Snake dies by mistake on
operating table. Dissects snake.

10. ROYAL NAVY Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships.
Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint
presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval
forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting
anti-snake operations.

11. TA Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of
snakes in the area.

12. RAF Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40
Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads smart
missiles, flies in at 20,000 feet, but can't find
snake to target. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Wipes out 85% of marine life in no-fly zone.

13. INTELLIGENCE CORPS Snake? What snake? Only 4 of
35 indicators of snake presence currently active.
Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of
snake bite.

14. DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION Orders 2 year study
by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating
massive workload at Grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20%
output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in
tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team
formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to
introduce snake into all messes and ration packs by
2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkha's
told change is inevitable and not to be negative about
it. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring
celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott
and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their
excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service
messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of
apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army
demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat
holdings to Canadian and Indian Armed Forces.

15. DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY Decide they want to buy
a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender.
Contract states that an eel will be supplied as
Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to
meet the performance characteristics of a snake as
laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.
6 years late and £3 billion over budget, the project
is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA
for $10 billion.

16. ADJUTANT GENERAL Discovers that snake is not
black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

17. MILITARY POLICE Carry out stop and search
operation for snake, question snake, snake makes no
reply to questioning, arrest snake, snake apparently
accidental falls down guard room stairs, huge
investigation carried out into Military Police
brutality, Military Police deny everything and make
counter allegations, MOD make hansome payout to snakes relatives.

[Roogger]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[sgt8089]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if
I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to
play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone ;
he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of
searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.
The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going
nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so
what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

[sgt8089]

A Texan is walking through a field, sees a Mexican drinking water
from
a stock tank with one of his hands.



The Texan shouts to the Mexican,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that
water,,,,
It has cow **** in it!!!!!!!!!!!



The Mexican shouts back "Soy Mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés.
Hábleme
Español.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. Speak Spanish to me)



The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá
más
para beber."
(Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

[sgt8089]

T his is what marriage is really all about "

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully
counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are
waiting for?"
She answered

(This is great)
**********


**********


"THE TEETH."

[sgt8089]

"Tech Support"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....

[sgt8089]

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support

[sgt8089]

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
> > >
> > > A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
> > > help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
> > > out how to get it started."
> > >
> > > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished
> > > ?"
> > >
> > > The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a
> > > tiger."
> > >
> > > He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
> > > She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
> > > all over the table.
> > >
> > > He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
> > > turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do,
> > > we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into
> > > anything resembling a tiger."
> > >
> > > He takes her hand and says,
> > >
> > > "Second, I want you to relax."
> > >
> > >
> > > Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
> > & get this:
> > >
> > > He sighed
> > >
> > > "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box "

[sgt8089]

Bug Spray
A salesman was traveling through the Maine country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee
it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie
you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there
is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you,
and get everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you rich.
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The
farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.
Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite
on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but
not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you
don't have a bite on you but you look like hell!
What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Doesn't that
calf have a mother?"

[sgt8089]

Serious Stuff

This is Damn serious stuff...beer contains female hormones!!!
Last month MSU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women. To test the theory 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer with in a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the tests subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to all the men you know to warn them against drinking too much beer!

[sgt8089]

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her
face and told
her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to
say,
It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really
small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

[sgt8089]

Airplane Crash!!

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4
parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant,the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he
took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
President, a U.S. Senator and a potential future president. And I am the
smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to
die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger Ted Kennedy said, "I am a U.S. Senator, the democratic
party needs me and my liver still has some good years left. So he grabbed
the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old
schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my school bag."

[bigalholmes165]

.


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.


Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......







A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

[davblay]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
> to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the
> kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
>
> "Tony, do you have a story to share?"
>
> "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot
> in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
> territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
> survival knife.
>
> She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her
> parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot
> fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four
> more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last
> Iraqi with her bare hands."
>
> "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your
> daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
>
> "Stay the f... away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

[sgt8089]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little
girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out
completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and
the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm
going to step on it

[Phantom Blooper]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local
bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to
join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join he explains.

The biker asks; "Do you have motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there" and
pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink whiskey everyday. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times.":beer:

[sgt8089]

0-200 IN 6 SEC
> >
> > Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
> > really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
> > in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER
> > BE THERE."
> >
> > The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
> > woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a
> > medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.
> >
> > Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and
> > brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a
> > brand-new bathroom scale.
> >
> > Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[Phantom Blooper]

A man thought that his wife was cheating on him. Since he didn't
have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he
decided to go with a much cheaper one---a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.


The following day he received the following report:


MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE.
I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OFF TREE
I NOT SEE.
I CHARGE NO FEE,

CHEN LEE

[Phantom Blooper]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two Azzholes."
" What? He had two Azzholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them two Azzholes." :banana:

[thedrifter]

New Recruit Training Standards

WASHINGTON - (AP) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

HAIRCUTS:

Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:

Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:

Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:

Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they a