View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...
Phantom Blooper
08-09-06, 03:16 PM
If you've has a rough day, here's a stress management technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
It really works.
Just take a few seconds and focus on each step.
*************************
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. your are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. the soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already!:) :p
Phantom Blooper
08-10-06, 08:22 AM
Why We Split-Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up,
$150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes
and $600 for a gym membership. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
thedrifter
08-12-06, 06:11 AM
Take All The Money Worries Off My Back
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to ****in' work!"
thedrifter
08-12-06, 06:11 AM
Change of Underwear
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
thedrifter
08-12-06, 06:12 AM
The Marine Way
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."
thedrifter
08-12-06, 06:13 AM
Barbershop
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Zulu 36
08-13-06, 06:22 PM
A Marine company fell in one morning for muster. The Company Gunny finished taking the report and started reading the POD. Part way through he announced, "PFC Jones, your mother died last night. Fall out for emergency leave." Needless to say PFC Jones took the news pretty poorly.
Watching proceedings was the 1stSgt. After dismissal he called the Gunny in and told him he had to be more sensitive when advising Marines of a death in their family. The gunny promised to do better next time.
A few weeks later the Gunny was reading the POD when he came across another death notification. Remembering the chat with the 1stSgt, he announced, "All Marines with a living father take one step forward - not so fast LCpl Smith!"
thedrifter
08-14-06, 04:53 AM
US Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with at least a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine &dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
thedrifter
08-17-06, 06:21 AM
Confusion in the Bathroom...
A man is sitting down on a public toilet when suddenly, the guy in the stall next to him says:
?Hi, how are you??
?Um...fine,? answers the man.
?What are you up to?? asks the other guy.
?I?m traveling,? the man says hesitantly.
"Are you coming over soon?"
"Excuse me?"
?Mind if I stop over??
?What? ARE YOU CRAZY? Don?t even think of coming over here!"
?Hey, I?ll call you back,? says the other guy. ?The idiot in the next stall keeps talkin? to me.?
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complaine. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
BOOGIEMAN44
08-17-06, 09:09 PM
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
>
>The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans
>are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
>
>The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
>that dog.
>
>"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
>
>"She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
>
>This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
>tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
>
>The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in
>his place!"
>
>An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
>seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
>wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now,
>sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."
BOOGIEMAN44
08-18-06, 10:20 AM
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
>
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
>
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
>
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
>
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
>
> 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
> 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
>
> 8. Don't use any punctuation.
>
> 9. As often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
>
> 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
>
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
>
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
>
> 13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
> 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
> 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
> 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
> 20. and the Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
>
> Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
> Its Called therapy.
thedrifter
08-21-06, 06:40 AM
What Are You Waiting For?
A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a boat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug and move on. An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising."
"No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation."
Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. Another boat comes by and they shout out to him through the rain...
"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance."
"I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide."
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is struck by lightning, and the preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.
"What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Hey! I sent three you three boats?you?ve got to do your part."
thedrifter
08-23-06, 03:48 AM
Names On The Wall
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"
thedrifter
08-23-06, 03:48 AM
Too Tired For Romance
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
thedrifter
08-23-06, 03:49 AM
4 Weeks
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
thedrifter
08-23-06, 03:49 AM
Getting Smarter
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
thedrifter
08-23-06, 03:50 AM
The Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
thedrifter
08-24-06, 07:07 AM
Am I Really That Old?
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you're gonna love this one...
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered, "Could he be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?"
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he?
After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1959. Why do you ask?" he answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
To which the ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "So, what did you teach?"
Phantom Blooper
08-24-06, 08:55 AM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good cl ean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
thedrifter
08-24-06, 01:15 PM
SIXTEEN REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Phantom Blooper
08-25-06, 04:13 PM
Government Cat
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff"
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,, ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, drank the milk,,,,,,,,, pooped on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, made "love" with the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,, put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............. :yes:
BOOGIEMAN44
08-26-06, 01:38 PM
The Soldier and the Nun
>
>
>
> A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing
there.
>Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts
for a
>few minutes. I'll explain why
>
> later". The nun agreed.
>
>
>
> Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and
>asked, "Sister , have you seen a soldier running by here?" The nun
>replied, "he went that way".
>
>
>
> After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under
her
>skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want
>to go to Iraq." The nun said "I can fully understand your fear."
>
>
>
> The soldier added, "I hope you don't think of me as rude or
>impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
>
>
>
> The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would
have
>seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Iraq either..."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Ed Palmer
08-27-06, 10:27 AM
MEXICAN MONDAYS
http://www.veofun.com/Girls-like-it-hot
Camper51
08-28-06, 04:46 PM
I have never figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs much, and I have never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my lady and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion heats up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? What was that?"
So she says the words that every man on the platnet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, " Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I opted to take off work to spend some time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went out shopping at an unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked me for a tenis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all honey, lets go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No Honey, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I amand not for the things I can buy you?"
Apparently I am not having sex tonight either.
thedrifter
09-01-06, 06:01 AM
Only in America...
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries...and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Only in America... do people park on Driveway and drive on Parkway!!!
This was written by a guy...its pretty smart. Girls-- Have a sense of humor.!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel likeit, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all, She wanted new shoes to compliment her new cloths, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey, "She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling withe excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain my self when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my finacial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least she KNOWS I AM SMARTER THEN HER.
Ed Palmer
09-01-06, 05:11 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/MaxineAnswer.jpg
BOOGIEMAN44
09-02-06, 03:05 PM
OR IS IT "HOLLY COW, BATMAN!!!!!!!!
Subject: New, state of the art milking machine
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milkin g machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
BOOGIEMAN44
09-02-06, 03:46 PM
Pregnant Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick
told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into
the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s)
back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving
spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE
iamcloudlander
09-04-06, 01:48 AM
Boudreaux the Baptist
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was
an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in
South Louisiana . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were
Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on
Fridays.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem
for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass...
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,"You were born a
Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest
was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and
watched.
There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
Ed Palmer
09-05-06, 06:07 PM
Lutheran Viking Air
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA, AND ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are potluck.
Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.
Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar witdoze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tou-sand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way.
No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style. Wit da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace:
"Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest, And let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close."
Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline!
thedrifter
09-06-06, 06:21 AM
A Really Bad Day...
There's a guy at a bar staring at his drink.
He sits and stares like this for half an hour.
Suddenly, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and slugs it all down. The poor man starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just joking," says the truck driver. "Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man replies. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I get in late to work. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to drive home, I find out my car is stolen! The police say that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I exit the cab, I leave my wallet and credit cards there and the cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar."
"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Static_Sky25
09-07-06, 03:24 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT :idea:
Zulu 36
09-07-06, 03:58 PM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
*snip*
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Cute story and I believe it is true.
However, a tactic like this wouldn't work someplace like Detroit. That shots-fired/people shot run would probably end up on the stack of other Priority One runs waiting their turn.
And even when given out, would probably be one of two or three priority runs given to the area scout car at the same time (quite likely along with an "EMS not available" appendage because all the EMS units were busy responding to people with the flu who want rides to the ER, but call into 911 as "having trouble breathing").
The original B&E-Shed in progress would probably be dispatched sometime the next day - maybe.
Ed Palmer
09-07-06, 04:23 PM
Blonde's year in review WHAT A YEAR!
A Blonde's Year in Review
January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...
Helllloooo!!!... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March Got really excited - finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...
Box said "2-4 years!"
April Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions...
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped
because soft-top was open.
September The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October Hate M &M's... they are so hard to peel.
November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!!
thedrifter
09-08-06, 07:02 AM
A Generous Lawyer...
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Ed Palmer
09-08-06, 08:47 AM
Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't
bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40,
I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees,
no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!"
iamcloudlander
09-09-06, 04:17 AM
Daffynitions
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines
thedrifter
09-11-06, 07:27 AM
"Tickets, please..."
A man is working on cross country buses collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the bus driver to drive off as a woman is just about to get onto the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's put in the chair and before the switch is pulled, the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner. "That's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the entire state of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" asks the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.
When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair once again. The executioner rigs up the entire country's electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a billion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it," he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
BOOGIEMAN44
09-11-06, 01:54 PM
GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND
> > >>>
> > >>> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
> > >>> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
> > >>> he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a
> > >>> boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
> > >>>
> > >>> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
> > >>> bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me
> > >>> feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
> > >>> I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
> > >>>
> > >>> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
> > >>> She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus.
> > >>> Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to
fix the
> > >>> problem.
> > >>>
> > >>> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door,
> > >>> and there stood Grandma's minister.
> > >>>
> > >>> The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
> > >>>
> > >>> The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> > >>> boyfriend."
> > >>>
> > >>> The minister fainted
BOOGIEMAN44
09-12-06, 12:39 PM
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left he told
her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that
the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed
note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
>#1 - it had never been occupied;
>#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
>#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.
Static_Sky25
09-12-06, 05:56 PM
A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she saw an old bottle. She picked it up and while she was rubbing the sand off, smoke arose from it and a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the MiddleEast. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family. Doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for .. a good man."
The genie sighed and said, "Let me see the freakin map."
BOOGIEMAN44
09-13-06, 07:08 AM
Subject: "You must be single."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
And a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly".
BOOGIEMAN44
09-14-06, 07:54 AM
Cupcake.....
>
>
> While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon
> another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
> Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you
doing?"
> > "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man
replied.
> > "You gotta be kiddin' me."
> > "No, would you like to give it a try?"
> > Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He
wrapped
> > his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
> With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took
> his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.
> > Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw
this
> guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell
happened to you?"
> > He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he
got
> there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook
> his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him
> gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day,
Cupcake."
>
In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
01. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
02. The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert
03. Human Rights Advances in China
04. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
05. Al Gore: The Wild Years
06. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
07. America's Most Popular Lawyers
08. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
09. Detroit---A Travel Guide
10. Different Ways To Spell "Bob"
11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
13. Ethiopion Tips on World Dominance
14. Everything Men Know About Women
15. Everything Women Know About Men
16. French Hospitality
17. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
18. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
19. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
20. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
21. "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
22. Staple Your Way to Success
23. The Amish Phone Directory
24. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
thedrifter
09-16-06, 07:25 AM
Tiger Woods For A Day ...
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
thedrifter
09-17-06, 07:40 AM
Linguistic Evolution...
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
thedrifter
09-18-06, 06:58 AM
Speedy Seniors...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
On a recent Business Trip, My flight was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a very good mood as he
served us food and drinks and catered to us all thru
the long Trans-Atlantic flight.
As the plane prepared to descend at Heathrow, he
came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain
Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me Sweetie,
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can swoop on down and
put us on the ground."
She rudely turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,
without missing a beat, "Well, Girlfriend, in my
country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.....
Tray-up, *****."
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbeque." With that, he proceeded to get a measuring
tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was
working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right your butt is
2" wider than the barbeque!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"
thedrifter
09-20-06, 08:37 AM
"I Once Caught A Fish THIS BIG..."
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
BOOGIEMAN44
09-20-06, 01:49 PM
Trying our best to insult all the College schools prior to football
season.
>
>
>(1) What does the average Michigan State player get on his SAT?
>.........Drool.
>
>(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one
room?
>..........A full set of teeth.
>
>(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
>.........Grease her hips and push.
>
>(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
>..........Pay him for the pizza.
>
>(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
>.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
>
>(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
>.....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
>
>(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football
player's
>life?
>........His freshman year.
>
>(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
>..........None. That's a sophomore course.
>
>(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
>......... Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never
look
>at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
>
>(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
>.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and
> picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
********************************
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
*********************************
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
:D
shmily0311
09-23-06, 08:39 PM
A young Marine is being reprimanded by his commanding officer for moving and giving away his position during a camouflage and concealment exercise. "Young man, don't you realise your comrades are depending on you? You could have gotten them all killed!" the commander shouts. "Yes sir, I know, but I thought I'd done rather well up to that point", the soldier replies. "I didn't flinch when the wasp landed on my nose, I didn't move when the bird crapped on my head and I didn't say a thing when the dog cocked it's leg on my boots. But when I felt the two squirrels run up my trouser leg and heard one say, 'Let's have half now and save the other one for winter' I couldn't help myself!"
WARNING!!!, WARNING!!
NEW SCAM I WOULD HATE THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU!!!
You guys be carful out there. I think it may begin to start an Sams Club and even Wallmart!!
Subject: Costco
Please be carful. I don't know how many of you guys shop at Costco, but this may be useful t know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping!!.
This happended to me and it could happen to you. The victims are always males, so LADIES PLEASE, PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG TO YOUR HUSBANDS AND MALE FRIENDS!!.
Here is how the scam works....
Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shoppings in the trunk. they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their breasts almos falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look!!.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "NO" and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, whil the other one STEALS YOUR WALLET!!.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, agine on Saturday, yesteday and most likely again tommorrow. SO BEWARE!!!.
Ed Palmer
09-25-06, 03:16 PM
One Saturday I was running errands for my wife. I had gone to Wal-Mart
and was standing in line waiting to buy a large bag of Purina for my
Labrador Retriever. A woman behind me looking at the bag, asked if I had
a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
thedrifter
09-25-06, 07:24 PM
A Tom Sawyer Moment...
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question
"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last man replies:
"I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
thedrifter
09-26-06, 07:49 AM
Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Choo! Choo!
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle:
"Whooee da Whoee!"
He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in thehospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Ed Palmer
09-26-06, 11:25 AM
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work.The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
Ed Palmer
09-26-06, 11:26 AM
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
shmily0311
09-26-06, 11:58 AM
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"
Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their
new wives household duties.
The 1st man had married a woman from Indiana. He bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days,
but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were
all washed and put away.
The 2nd man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, &
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house
was clean, the dishes were done, & he had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man had married a New Jersey girl. He said that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry done, and have hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the 1st day he didn't see anything. The 2nd day he
didn't see anything. But by the 3rd day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.:marine:
thedrifter
09-27-06, 06:17 AM
A true hunter..
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone
about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they
could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin
from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would
even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the
animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal
skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a
.308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their
car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk,
shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home
drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he
got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I
think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed
and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a
bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'
CIA Job Opening
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three
finalists...
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't
kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
thedrifter
09-28-06, 05:27 AM
Colonoscopies
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"
thedrifter
09-28-06, 05:30 AM
Proverbs From the First Grade...
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 561--You are cleared to land eastbound on
runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R -Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 381--You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway
9R. -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 561?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS
PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. All y'all be careful now and tell Allah
'hey' for us -- ya hear?."
thedrifter
09-29-06, 06:57 AM
"Remember the Time When We...What Was I Saying?"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived to the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
thedrifter
10-01-06, 09:31 AM
Legally Blonde...
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
thedrifter
10-03-06, 07:22 AM
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
thedrifter
10-03-06, 07:12 PM
The Language of Golf...
A man goes to confession, sits down and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What was your sin, my son?" the priest asked.
"Obscene language," the man replied.
"That's a terrible sin," the priest replied. "Do you swear often?"
"No," answered the man, "but do you know the local golf course?"
"Indeed I do," said the priest.
"I play there often. When I was on the tee at the fourth hole, the long par three, I hit one of the best drives of my life. It must have gone 220 yards on the fly, straight down the middle, took one bounce, and then hit a sprinkler head and bounced off into the bush."
"I'm not surprised that you swore," said the priest, "If that had happened to me..."
"No, I didn't swear then. The shot I had hit was a great one and the bounce was just the luck of the game. When I checked the position of my ball, I realized that I still had a chance of making par. The ball was on a hardpan lie, and there was a small gap through the trees for me to have a shot at the green. I really should have taken the safe option and just played out sideways to the fairway, but I had hit such a great drive that my confidence was high."
The man continued, "I was still about 200 yards from the green, so I took a five wood from the bag, positioned the ball back in my stance to keep it low and hopefully get under the trees, told myself to forget about all the hazards and just imagine the ball on the green, and played the shot. Even using the wood, I nipped the ball perfectly off the hard lie, the ball kept low as I planned, and flew straight as a die toward the green, took one bounce onto the green, hit the flagstick and bounced off sideways into that deep pot bunker to the right of the green."
"My son, my son," said the priest; "I'm ready to forgive you already. That would have made a saint swear."
"No father," said the man, "I didn't swear then. I realized that I had just played two perfect shots and only bad luck had stopped me from getting the result I deserved. When I saw my ball, I thought that all my hopes of making par had disappeared. It was lying right against the face of a five-foot deep bunker with very little green to work with, and I really should have gone out sideways, but after the two good shots, I was feeling confident. I took my sand iron out, opened the clubface fully, aimed the ball about six feet left of the pin and played the shot. The ball popped almost straight up in the air, landed on the green, and the spin on the ball dragged it back to four inches from the pin."
"F#?!ing hell!" said the priest, "Don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!"
thedrifter
10-04-06, 07:26 AM
Who's the Boss?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. (Don't ask why or how, it just happens...)
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
thedrifter
10-05-06, 07:58 AM
Father Knows Best...
A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
thedrifter
10-06-06, 05:20 AM
And On The Sixth Day, He Created...
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "so I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!
Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head."
Ed Palmer
10-08-06, 08:18 AM
TRUE STORY FROM DOWN-UNDER
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventurous than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ