Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 63 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

thedrifter

08-12-06, 07:12 AM

The Marine Way

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."

thedrifter

08-12-06, 07:13 AM

Barbershop

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Zulu 36

08-13-06, 07:22 PM

A Marine company fell in one morning for muster. The Company Gunny finished taking the report and started reading the POD. Part way through he announced, "PFC Jones, your mother died last night. Fall out for emergency leave." Needless to say PFC Jones took the news pretty poorly.

Watching proceedings was the 1stSgt. After dismissal he called the Gunny in and told him he had to be more sensitive when advising Marines of a death in their family. The gunny promised to do better next time.

A few weeks later the Gunny was reading the POD when he came across another death notification. Remembering the chat with the 1stSgt, he announced, "All Marines with a living father take one step forward - not so fast LCpl Smith!"

thedrifter

08-14-06, 05:53 AM

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with at least a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine &dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD &defense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.

thedrifter

08-17-06, 07:21 AM

Confusion in the Bathroom...

A man is sitting down on a public toilet when suddenly, the guy in the stall next to him says:

?Hi, how are you??

?Um...fine,? answers the man.

?What are you up to?? asks the other guy.

?I?m traveling,? the man says hesitantly.

"Are you coming over soon?"

"Excuse me?"

?Mind if I stop over??

?What? ARE YOU CRAZY? Don?t even think of coming over here!"

?Hey, I?ll call you back,? says the other guy. ?The idiot in the next stall keeps talkin? to me.?

ROHO

08-17-06, 11:55 AM

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complaine. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked. "Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

BOOGIEMAN44

08-17-06, 10:09 PM

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
>
>The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans
>are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
>
>The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
>that dog.
>
>"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
>
>"She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
>
>This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
>tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
>
>The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in
>his place!"
>
>An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
>seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
>wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now,
>sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

BOOGIEMAN44

08-18-06, 11:20 AM

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
>
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
>
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
>
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
>
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
>
> 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
> 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
>
> 8. Don't use any punctuation.
>
> 9. As often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
>
> 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
>
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
>
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
>
> 13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
> 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
> 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
> 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
> 20. and the Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
>
> Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
> Its Called therapy.

thedrifter

08-21-06, 07:40 AM

What Are You Waiting For?

A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a boat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat."

"I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug and move on. An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising."

"No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation."

Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. Another boat comes by and they shout out to him through the rain...

"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance."

"I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide."

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is struck by lightning, and the preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.

"What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Hey! I sent three you three boats?you?ve got to do your part."

thedrifter

08-23-06, 04:48 AM

Names On The Wall

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"

thedrifter

08-23-06, 04:48 AM

Too Tired For Romance

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

thedrifter

08-23-06, 04:49 AM

4 Weeks

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

thedrifter

08-23-06, 04:49 AM

Getting Smarter

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

thedrifter

08-23-06, 04:50 AM

The Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

thedrifter

08-24-06, 08:07 AM

Am I Really That Old?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you're gonna love this one...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered, "Could he be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?"

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he?

After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"1959. Why do you ask?" he answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

To which the ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "So, what did you teach?"

Phantom Blooper

08-24-06, 09:55 AM

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good cl ean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

thedrifter

08-24-06, 02:15 PM

SIXTEEN REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Phantom Blooper

08-25-06, 05:13 PM

Government Cat

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some
paper and pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square,
and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff"
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,, ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, drank the milk,,,,,,,,, pooped on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, made "love" with the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,, put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............. :yes:

BOOGIEMAN44

08-26-06, 02:38 PM

The Soldier and the Nun
>
>
>
> A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing
there.
>Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts
for a
>few minutes. I'll explain why
>
> later". The nun agreed.
>
>
>
> Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and
>asked, "Sister , have you seen a soldier running by here?" The nun
>replied, "he went that way".
>
>
>
> After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under
her
>skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want
>to go to Iraq." The nun said "I can fully understand your fear."
>
>
>
> The soldier added, "I hope you don't think of me as rude or
>impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
>
>
>
> The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would
have
>seen a great pair of balls...I don't want to go to Iraq either..."

Mama

08-27-06, 01:52 AM

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Ed Palmer

08-27-06, 11:27 AM

MEXICAN MONDAYS

http://www.veofun.com/Girls-like-it-hot

Camper51

08-28-06, 05:46 PM

I have never figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differs much, and I have never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my lady and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion heats up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? What was that?"

So she says the words that every man on the platnet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, " Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I opted to take off work to spend some time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went out shopping at an unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we would just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked me for a tenis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, Honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all honey, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No Honey, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I amand not for the things I can buy you?"

Apparently I am not having sex tonight either.

thedrifter

09-01-06, 07:01 AM

Only in America...

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries...and a diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Only in America... do people park on Driveway and drive on Parkway!!!

ROHO

09-01-06, 04:54 PM

This was written by a guy...its pretty smart. Girls-- Have a sense of humor.!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel likeit, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all, She wanted new shoes to compliment her new cloths, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey, "She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling withe excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain my self when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my finacial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least she KNOWS I AM SMARTER THEN HER.

Ed Palmer

09-01-06, 06:11 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/MaxineAnswer.jpg

BOOGIEMAN44

09-02-06, 04:05 PM

OR IS IT "HOLLY COW, BATMAN!!!!!!!!

Subject: New, state of the art milking machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milkin g machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

BOOGIEMAN44

09-02-06, 04:46 PM

Pregnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick
told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into
the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s)
back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving
spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE

iamcloudlander

09-04-06, 02:48 AM

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was
an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in
South Louisiana . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were
Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on
Fridays.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem
for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass...
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,"You were born a
Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest
was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and
watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

Ed Palmer

09-05-06, 07:07 PM

Lutheran Viking Air

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA, AND ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are potluck.
Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar witdoze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.

Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tou-sand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way.
No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style. Wit da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:
"Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest, And let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close."
Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline!

thedrifter

09-06-06, 07:21 AM

A Really Bad Day...

There's a guy at a bar staring at his drink.

He sits and stares like this for half an hour.

Suddenly, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and slugs it all down. The poor man starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just joking," says the truck driver. "Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies. "This day is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I get in late to work. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to drive home, I find out my car is stolen! The police say that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I exit the cab, I leave my wallet and credit cards there and the cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar."

"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Static_Sky25

09-07-06, 04:24 PM

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT :idea:

Zulu 36

09-07-06, 04:58 PM

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

*snip*

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Cute story and I believe it is true.

However, a tactic like this wouldn't work someplace like Detroit. That shots-fired/people shot run would probably end up on the stack of other Priority One runs waiting their turn.

And even when given out, would probably be one of two or three priority runs given to the area scout car at the same time (quite likely along with an "EMS not available" appendage because all the EMS units were busy responding to people with the flu who want rides to the ER, but call into 911 as "having trouble breathing").

The original B&E-Shed in progress would probably be dispatched sometime the next day - maybe.

Ed Palmer

09-07-06, 05:23 PM

Blonde's year in review WHAT A YEAR!

A Blonde's Year in Review

January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...
Helllloooo!!!... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March Got really excited - finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...
Box said "2-4 years!"

April Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!

May Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions...
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

July Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped
because soft-top was open.
September The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???

October Hate M &M's... they are so hard to peel.

November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!!

thedrifter

09-08-06, 08:02 AM

A Generous Lawyer...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Ed Palmer

09-08-06, 09:47 AM

Two old drunks in a bar.

The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't
bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40,
I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees,
no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can
almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much

stronger I'm gonna get!"

iamcloudlander

09-09-06, 05:17 AM

Daffynitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines

thedrifter

09-11-06, 08:27 AM

"Tickets, please..."

A man is working on cross country buses collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the bus driver to drive off as a woman is just about to get onto the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's put in the chair and before the switch is pulled, the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner. "That's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the entire state of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" asks the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair once again. The executioner rigs up the entire country's electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a billion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it," he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

BOOGIEMAN44

09-11-06, 02:54 PM

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND
> > >>>
> > >>> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
> > >>> Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
> > >>> he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a
> > >>> boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
> > >>>
> > >>> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
> > >>> bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me
> > >>> feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
> > >>> I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
> > >>>
> > >>> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
> > >>> She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus.
> > >>> Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to
fix the
> > >>> problem.
> > >>>
> > >>> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door,
> > >>> and there stood Grandma's minister.
> > >>>
> > >>> The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
> > >>>
> > >>> The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> > >>> boyfriend."
> > >>>
> > >>> The minister fainted

BOOGIEMAN44

09-12-06, 01:39 PM

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left he told
her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that
the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed

note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

>#1 - it had never been occupied;

>#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

>#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.

Static_Sky25

09-12-06, 06:56 PM

A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she saw an old bottle. She picked it up and while she was rubbing the sand off, smoke arose from it and a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the MiddleEast. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family. Doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for .. a good man."

The genie sighed and said, "Let me see the freakin map."

BOOGIEMAN44

09-13-06, 08:08 AM

Subject: "You must be single."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
And a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly".

BOOGIEMAN44

09-14-06, 08:54 AM

Cupcake.....
>
>
> While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon
> another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
> Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you
doing?"
> > "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man
replied.
> > "You gotta be kiddin' me."
> > "No, would you like to give it a try?"
> > Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK." He
wrapped
> > his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
> With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took
> his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.
> > Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw
this
> guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell
happened to you?"
> > He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he
got
> there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook
> his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him
> gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day,
Cupcake."
>

LCPLE3

09-14-06, 05:20 PM

In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

nc.gal

09-14-06, 09:57 PM

01. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson

02. The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert

03. Human Rights Advances in China

04. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

05. Al Gore: The Wild Years

06. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

07. America's Most Popular Lawyers

08. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

09. Detroit---A Travel Guide

10. Different Ways To Spell "Bob"

11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

13. Ethiopion Tips on World Dominance

14. Everything Men Know About Women

15. Everything Women Know About Men

16. French Hospitality

17. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

18. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

19. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

20. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

21. "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA

22. Staple Your Way to Success

23. The Amish Phone Directory

24. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

thedrifter

09-16-06, 08:25 AM

Tiger Woods For A Day ...

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

thedrifter

09-17-06, 08:40 AM

Linguistic Evolution...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

thedrifter

09-18-06, 07:58 AM

Speedy Seniors...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

LCPLE3

09-19-06, 01:32 PM

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Mama

09-19-06, 10:12 PM

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Mama

09-19-06, 10:13 PM

On a recent Business Trip, My flight was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a very good mood as he
served us food and drinks and catered to us all thru
the long Trans-Atlantic flight.

As the plane prepared to descend at Heathrow, he
came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain
Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me Sweetie,
over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can swoop on down and
put us on the ground."

She rudely turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,
without missing a beat, "Well, Girlfriend, in my
country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.....
Tray-up, *****."

LCPLE3

09-20-06, 01:29 AM

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbeque." With that, he proceeded to get a measuring
tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was
working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right your butt is
2" wider than the barbeque!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"

thedrifter

09-20-06, 09:37 AM

"I Once Caught A Fish THIS BIG..."

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

BOOGIEMAN44

09-20-06, 02:49 PM

Trying our best to insult all the College schools prior to football
season.
>
>
>(1) What does the average Michigan State player get on his SAT?
>.........Drool.
>
>(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one
room?
>..........A full set of teeth.
>
>(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
>.........Grease her hips and push.
>
>(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?
>..........Pay him for the pizza.
>
>(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
>.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
>
>(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
>.....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
>
>(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami (Fla) football
player's
>life?
>........His freshman year.
>
>(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
>..........None. That's a sophomore course.
>
>(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
>......... Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never
look
>at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.
>
>(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
>.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and
> picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week

LCPLE3

09-22-06, 02:15 AM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
********************************
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

*********************************
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

:D

shmily0311

09-23-06, 09:39 PM

A young Marine is being reprimanded by his commanding officer for moving and giving away his position during a camouflage and concealment exercise. "Young man, don't you realise your comrades are depending on you? You could have gotten them all killed!" the commander shouts. "Yes sir, I know, but I thought I'd done rather well up to that point", the soldier replies. "I didn't flinch when the wasp landed on my nose, I didn't move when the bird crapped on my head and I didn't say a thing when the dog cocked it's leg on my boots. But when I felt the two squirrels run up my trouser leg and heard one say, 'Let's have half now and save the other one for winter' I couldn't help myself!"

ROHO

09-25-06, 02:53 PM

WARNING!!!, WARNING!!

NEW SCAM I WOULD HATE THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

You guys be carful out there. I think it may begin to start an Sams Club and even Wallmart!!

Subject: Costco

Please be carful. I don't know how many of you guys shop at Costco, but this may be useful t know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping!!.

This happended to me and it could happen to you. The victims are always males, so LADIES PLEASE, PLEASE PASS THIS INFORMATION ALONG TO YOUR HUSBANDS AND MALE FRIENDS!!.

Here is how the scam works....

Two seriously good looking 18 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shoppings in the trunk. they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their breasts almos falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look!!.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "NO" and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, whil the other one STEALS YOUR WALLET!!.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, agine on Saturday, yesteday and most likely again tommorrow. SO BEWARE!!!.

Ed Palmer

09-25-06, 04:16 PM

One Saturday I was running errands for my wife. I had gone to Wal-Mart
and was standing in line waiting to buy a large bag of Purina for my
Labrador Retriever. A woman behind me looking at the bag, asked if I had
a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

thedrifter

09-25-06, 08:24 PM

A Tom Sawyer Moment...

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked one question

"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies:

"I would like to hear them say: 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

thedrifter

09-26-06, 08:49 AM

Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Choo! Choo!

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle:

"Whooee da Whoee!"

He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in thehospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:

"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Ed Palmer

09-26-06, 12:25 PM

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work.The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Ed Palmer

09-26-06, 12:26 PM

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

shmily0311

09-26-06, 12:58 PM

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"

LCPLE3

09-27-06, 06:52 AM

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their
new wives household duties.

The 1st man had married a woman from Indiana. He bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days,
but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were
all washed and put away.

The 2nd man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, &
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house
was clean, the dishes were done, & he had a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man had married a New Jersey girl. He said that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry done, and have hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the 1st day he didn't see anything. The 2nd day he
didn't see anything. But by the 3rd day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.:marine:

thedrifter

09-27-06, 07:17 AM

A true hunter..

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone
about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they
could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin
from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would
even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the
animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal
skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a
.308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their
car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk,
shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home
drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he
got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I
think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed
and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a
bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'

LCPLE3

09-27-06, 10:59 PM

CIA Job Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three
finalists...
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't
kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

thedrifter

09-28-06, 06:27 AM

Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

thedrifter

09-28-06, 06:30 AM

Proverbs From the First Grade...

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Mama

09-28-06, 07:40 PM

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 561--You are cleared to land eastbound on
runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R -Allah be Praised !!"

Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 381--You are cleared to land westbound on
runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway
9R. -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 561?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS
PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. All y'all be careful now and tell Allah
'hey' for us -- ya hear?."

thedrifter

09-29-06, 07:57 AM

"Remember the Time When We...What Was I Saying?"

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived to the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

thedrifter

10-01-06, 10:31 AM

Legally Blonde...

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

thedrifter

10-03-06, 08:22 AM

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

thedrifter

10-03-06, 08:12 PM

The Language of Golf...

A man goes to confession, sits down and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What was your sin, my son?" the priest asked.

"Obscene language," the man replied.

"That's a terrible sin," the priest replied. "Do you swear often?"

"No," answered the man, "but do you know the local golf course?"

"Indeed I do," said the priest.

"I play there often. When I was on the tee at the fourth hole, the long par three, I hit one of the best drives of my life. It must have gone 220 yards on the fly, straight down the middle, took one bounce, and then hit a sprinkler head and bounced off into the bush."

"I'm not surprised that you swore," said the priest, "If that had happened to me..."

"No, I didn't swear then. The shot I had hit was a great one and the bounce was just the luck of the game. When I checked the position of my ball, I realized that I still had a chance of making par. The ball was on a hardpan lie, and there was a small gap through the trees for me to have a shot at the green. I really should have taken the safe option and just played out sideways to the fairway, but I had hit such a great drive that my confidence was high."

The man continued, "I was still about 200 yards from the green, so I took a five wood from the bag, positioned the ball back in my stance to keep it low and hopefully get under the trees, told myself to forget about all the hazards and just imagine the ball on the green, and played the shot. Even using the wood, I nipped the ball perfectly off the hard lie, the ball kept low as I planned, and flew straight as a die toward the green, took one bounce onto the green, hit the flagstick and bounced off sideways into that deep pot bunker to the right of the green."

"My son, my son," said the priest; "I'm ready to forgive you already. That would have made a saint swear."

"No father," said the man, "I didn't swear then. I realized that I had just played two perfect shots and only bad luck had stopped me from getting the result I deserved. When I saw my ball, I thought that all my hopes of making par had disappeared. It was lying right against the face of a five-foot deep bunker with very little green to work with, and I really should have gone out sideways, but after the two good shots, I was feeling confident. I took my sand iron out, opened the clubface fully, aimed the ball about six feet left of the pin and played the shot. The ball popped almost straight up in the air, landed on the green, and the spin on the ball dragged it back to four inches from the pin."

"F#?!ing hell!" said the priest, "Don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!"

thedrifter

10-04-06, 08:26 AM

Who's the Boss?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. (Don't ask why or how, it just happens...)

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

thedrifter

10-05-06, 08:58 AM

Father Knows Best...

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

thedrifter

10-06-06, 06:20 AM

And On The Sixth Day, He Created...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "so I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!

Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head."

Ed Palmer

10-08-06, 09:18 AM

TRUE STORY FROM DOWN-UNDER

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventurous than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

thedrifter

10-09-06, 02:46 PM

Last Request...

Two prisoners, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.

The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play "The Macarena" for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "KILL ME FIRST."

thedrifter

10-09-06, 04:28 PM

"Doc, It's My Wife..."

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Ed Palmer

10-09-06, 05:01 PM

The Republican House leadership has finally come up with a logical
explanation for why they didn't act to stop Rep. Mark Foley's
sexually-charged interactions with underage House pages:

they were waiting to see if the pages grew up to become Democrats, thereby
making it a "bipartisan" scandal.

Mama

10-10-06, 03:50 AM

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten S.O.B.," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

thedrifter

10-10-06, 07:17 AM

Brotherly Love...

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

thedrifter

10-11-06, 06:45 AM

A Lawyer's Ethical Dilemma...

After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.

On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy goes out to get them some sandwiches.

Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!

She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple contracts.

"That'll be $100," the man replies.

She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new, crisp $100 bill.

The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his work.

The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light with admiration and pride.

He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!

And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.

Should he tell his partner?

thedrifter

10-12-06, 09:36 AM

Hear No Evil, See No Evil...

A new jockey starts work at a new stables and is about to compete in his first race. The owner of the horse comes to him and says he has a great ride and should win:

"All you have to do is this. As you're coming to a fence say, '5 4 3 2 1 JUMP,'"

The race starts and the jockey thinks to himself, "I'm a professional jockey and I'm not gonna be told how to ride a horse," so he says nothing.

The first fence comes and the horse puts his head down and crashes straight through it losing about ten lengths.

The second fence approaches and still, the jockey says nothing. Sure enough, the horse puts his head down and crashes through teh fence again.

At this point , he's twenty lengths behind and thinks to himself, "If I don't get a result here it it could be the sack!"

As the third fence comes up, his mind racing, he thinks, "I've nothing to lose. Here goes...'5 4 3 2 1 JUMP!'

And would you believe it? The horse glides over the fence.

He does this at every fence each time making distance up and by the end of the race wins by four lengths.

Back at the weigh in the owner says to the jockey, "Well done lad, you won but what the bloody hell went wrong at the first two fences?"

The jockey, trying to cover up his mistake, replies, "Well I did all that 5 4 3 2 1 jump stuff but he never heard me.

"Well, shucks!" the owner exclaims, "I knew he was blind, but I didn't knew he was deaf as well!"

thedrifter

10-13-06, 08:40 AM

One Special Pig...

A man goes to visit an old friend who lives in the country. Upon arriving he sees a pig walking around with only three legs. This odd sight peaked his curiosity, of course, so after catching up on old times he asks his friend about the pig:

"I noticed a pig earlier that only had three legs, butwhat happened to the poor animal," he asks.

"Let me tell you a story," starts his friend. "Last fall when I was plowing the South Field I accidently got the plow caught up in some brush, couldn't break it loose so I crawled under it to cut away the vines. Just then the damn thing fell on me, pinned me to the ground. I'd still be there if it weren't fer that pig, he come running out there and started digging and rootin' till he could pull me outa there, saved my life I tellya."

"Well that is an amazing story but I must've missed something because I still don't understand how he lost his leg," the man replied.

His farmer friend went on: "Why just this past spring I went out to feed the chickens one night and slipped on something and fell right on my butt. My lantern went flying and set the whole damn place on fire. I was chokin' and lost in the smoke and just knew I was gonna die when I heard that pig squealin' and rammin' till he knocked the door down and dragged me out, saved my life I tellya!"

His friend thought for a moment and said, "Well that's an interesting story but it still doesn't explain what happened to his leg."

The farmer continued. "Well, just this last week, all the sheep over there got into a frenzy due to some noise or something and started running towards the house at breakneck speed. They trampled over the fences, over the bushes and were just about to run over the children when all of a sudden, this here pig was able to intercept the entire herd and get the sheep to turn around...just like in that movie! Saved my children's lives, I tellya!"

His friend, impatient and confused at this point, exclaims, "That still doesn't explain what happened to the pig's leg!"

The farmer stares at him dumbfounded and explains:

"Look. When you got a pig like that, you just can't eat him all at once!"

LCPLE3

10-15-06, 01:52 AM

<TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>10 Husbands, Still a Virgin</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>:D

thedrifter

10-16-06, 07:15 AM

Take All Of These And Call Me In The Morning...

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," the owner shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

thedrifter

10-16-06, 12:05 PM

A year of blond jokes...

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

thedrifter

10-16-06, 02:33 PM

Otto, The Amazing Octopus...

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus:

"Hello, everybody! This is Otto, the Amazing Octopus. He can play any instrument in the world!"

Everyone in the crowd laughs at him, of course, so he offers a wager of$50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus.

The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin it up. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumped. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrongi. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha," the man exclaims, "you can't you play it!"

Otto, the octopus looks up at the man and replies:

"Play it? I'm going to ask it on a date as soon as I'm done with this dance!"

thedrifter

10-17-06, 07:37 AM

Take Out a #2 Pencil...

An airhead reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a quarter and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:

Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within a half hour she is all done, while the rest of the class is still sweating it out. Rather than hand in her test and leave, she decides to sit patiently until the time is completely up.

Suddenly, during the last few minutes of the exam, she desperately reaches into her purse and starts tossing the coin again, sweating and muttering under breath.

The moderator, slightly alarmed at her frantic and hurried manner, approaches her and asks, "Ma'am are you okay? What's going on?" to which the airhead replied:

"I finished the exam in the first half hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Ed Palmer

10-17-06, 07:55 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitled.jpg

Rob Parry

10-17-06, 02:40 PM

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man

who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday for a

long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall

and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray

and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a

very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the

Western Wall and praying?"

"About 60 years"

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all

the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety

and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f**kin' wall."

criggleman

10-17-06, 04:03 PM

WHY REDNECKS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in
his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow
my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence..........then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Seeley

10-18-06, 12:44 AM

THE AISLE SEAT:

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other
sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the
Arab in the window seat said,
"I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine,
"I'm in the aisle seat,
I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs
picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other
Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines
other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing,
the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN !!!!

LCPLE3

10-18-06, 01:58 AM

<TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>Signs That You are Too Drunk</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>:)

thedrifter

10-18-06, 08:11 AM

Desert Island Survival Tips...

Artie and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Artie turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Artie, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Artie," begged Esther. "I didn?t send those, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?" to which Artie responds:

"They'll find us!"

thedrifter

10-18-06, 11:28 AM

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
High school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Ed Palmer

10-18-06, 12:53 PM

CU Fans

Subject: Huskers

We Husker fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Colorado fan we see
strutting down the street, with that obnoxious Black & Gold "CU" on their
shirt and/or hat. We would swerve our vehicles as if to hit them, and then
swerve back just missing them.
One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good
deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest , "Where are you going,
Father?" "I'm going to say mass at Our Lady of the Hills Church , about 2
miles down the road," replied the priest . "Climb in, Father. I'll give
you a lift." The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we
continued down the road.
Suddenly, I saw a Colorado fan walking down the road, with that "CU"
shirt on, and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I
swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I
had missed the guy, I still heard a loud thud. Not understanding where
the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors, but still didn't see
anything.
I then remembered the priest. I turned to him and said , " Sorry Father,
I almost hit that Colorado fan." "That's OK," replied the priest, "I got
him with the door!"

GO BIG RED!

thedrifter

10-19-06, 08:47 AM

The Three Inch Man...

A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his buddy.

The bartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"

The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here."

He then pulls out a three inch man and puts him on the table.

The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"

"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."

Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots.

"That's amazing. Can he walk?"

The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Trevor, go get the coin, ok?" The three inch man runs off after it.

"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"

"Of course, he can," the man replied turning to his three inch friend:

"Hey Trevor! tell The bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a good-for-nothing-scam-artist-idiot!"

DanBO

10-19-06, 02:50 PM

Football FINALLY makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's' bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!"
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Camper51

10-19-06, 03:33 PM

Nebraska Fans

Subject: Buffaloes

We Buffalo fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Nebraska fan we see
strutting down the street, with that obnoxious Red and White "Cornhuskers" on their
shirt and/or hat. We would swerve our vehicles as if to hit them, and then
swerve back just missing them.
One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good
deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest , "Where are you going,
Father?" "I'm going to say mass at Our Lady of the Mountains Church , about 2
miles down the road," replied the priest . "Climb in, Father. I'll give
you a lift." The priest climbed into the front passenger seat, and we
continued down the road.
Suddenly, I saw a Nebraska fan walking down the road, with that "Cornhusker" shirt on, and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I
swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I
had missed the guy, I still heard a loud thud. Not understanding where
the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors, but still didn't see
anything.
I then remembered the priest. I turned to him and said , " Sorry Father,
I almost hit that Nebraska fan." "That's OK," replied the priest, "I got
him with the door!"

GO BUFFALOES!

Just had ta pay Ed back for that one...

thedrifter

10-20-06, 06:21 AM

Like a Surgeon...Hey!

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable."

Ed Palmer

10-25-06, 02:47 PM

A little boy dresses as a pirate for halloween.
At the first house he goes to, a lady answers the door.
"Trick or treak?" the little boy says..

"Oh, what a cute little pirate", the lady says "you got the little sword,
the little black eye patch, the pirate hat..oh..how cute..and where are
your buccaneers little pirate?" she asks..

"Under my buckin' hat, lady."

Zulu 36

10-25-06, 03:54 PM

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry out there and carried the deer back?"

"Yeah, it was a tough call," admitted the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

Ed Palmer

10-26-06, 01:54 PM

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So....you're a man, I'm a woman---that's interesting. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, " And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The man nods his head in agreement. She hands the bottle to him, he opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

thedrifter

10-30-06, 09:16 AM

A Marine In Hell

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
Do you like to fight?

Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.

thedrifter

10-30-06, 10:12 AM

Rules of Combat

USMC

Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
Use a weaponthat works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel ****es in the flintlock of your musket."
Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don't drop your guard.
Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army

See USMC Rules for combat.
Add 60 to 90 days.
Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

Navy

Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
Send in the Marines.
Drink Coffee.
Bring back the Marines.

Air Force

Kiss the spouse good-bye.
Drive to the flight line.
Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys.
Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.

Rob Parry

10-30-06, 01:35 PM

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez ..."
And then, just like everything else,
God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the
hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?

Ed Palmer

10-31-06, 10:09 AM

Time for a Cold Beer

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the

oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So, she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked her what she would like to drink."Ya know," Helga said, "It is so hot, I tink I will have myself a cold beer."The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

Rob Parry

10-31-06, 10:36 AM

Very camp, but amusing. A new twist on religion. :D

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/OAM3/?action=view&current=jesus1.flv

criggleman

11-01-06, 04:13 PM

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I
stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without
missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man

thedrifter

11-03-06, 06:53 AM

I Have Some Good News, And Some Bad News...

A man is taken into hospital and has some tests taken and is awaiting the doctor with the results. The doctor duly arrives and says to the man:

"I have some good news and some bad news..."

"I can take it Doc give me the bad news!" the man replies.

"I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs," says the Doc as professionally as possible.

The man responds, "Well, Doc, this is terrible. At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me."

Doc replies, "Do you see the man in the opposite bed?"

"Yes, what about him?"

"He said he would buy your slippers."

thedrifter

11-05-06, 11:22 AM

The Weekend Warrior...

An inebriated man, clearly enjoying his weekend off, walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out," says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunken man, acknowledges this fact, and staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!"

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs, "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"

thedrifter

11-15-06, 06:57 AM

Republican Joke

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi ." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus - and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in'08."

thedrifter

11-15-06, 06:58 AM

Pelosi promises "most ethical congress in history" - (Ruh Roh)

Set to become the US' first female speaker of the US House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi says Democrats are "ready to lead" in partnership with Republicans, "not in partisanship".

President George Bush called Pelosi with congratulations this morning after Democrats took firm control of the House, rebounding after a dozen years in the minority.

Pelosi, 66, who made history four years ago when she became the first woman to lead a party caucus in either house of Congress, will become third in line of succession to the president when she is elevated to the speaker's position at the beginning of the new Congress in January.

It will be the highest elective office ever reached by a woman in the US.

Pelosi will be formally re-elected as her party's leader, and its nominee to be speaker, when the Democratic caucus meets on November 16 to choose its standard-bearers for the next Congress.

Democrats, Pelosi said, "intend to lead the most honest, the most open and the most ethical Congress in history".

thedrifter

11-15-06, 07:29 AM

The Reluctant Bloodhound

http://fontman.smugmug.com/photos/110362594-M.jpg

b0x-k1ck4

11-15-06, 08:50 AM

There are three preachers in a boat, a short distance from the shore, and they are enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. The Baptist preacher says "you know what? I am really hungry, be right back, gonna' grab a bite to eat". He hops of the starboard's side of the boat then miraculously walks on the surface of the water to shore returning with a tuna sandwich. The Pentacostal preacher then says "all this fishing is making me thirsty, be right back". He too hops off the starboard's side of the boat and in the same manner miraculously and effortlessly heads for the shore line returning with his favorite soft dirnk. The priest now says "I am famished, I think I'll have one of those appetizing tuna sandwiches also, I'll be back in a jiffy". He being on the opposite side of the boat hops off the portside and sinks like a rock. The two remaining preachers witness this then immediately turn to one another, both having puzzled looks on their faces. The Penticostal preacher while gesturing to the starboard's side of the boat inquires of the Baptist preacher "say brother, didn't you tell him that the planks were on the right side???:sick:

Ed Palmer

11-15-06, 12:33 PM

Genuine Excerpts (Humor Break)
email

The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". These are genuine excerpts from the forms (truth be told??).

1. Regarding. the identity of the father of my twins, child "A" was fathered by Jim M. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child "B", but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was emackulate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child "A"'s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

8. Peter S Is the father of child "A". If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child "B" who was also borned at the same time ... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these souls!------

Ed Palmer

11-17-06, 08:04 AM

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”

thedrifter

11-17-06, 02:50 PM

Things you Can say at thanksgiving but not any other time

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before its ready?

thedrifter

11-20-06, 07:46 PM

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

thedrifter

11-20-06, 07:47 PM

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

thedrifter

11-20-06, 07:50 PM

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"

thedrifter

11-20-06, 07:53 PM

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

thedrifter

11-20-06, 07:55 PM

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

thedrifter

11-22-06, 07:19 AM

QUOTES & TOASTS of the DAY - TURKEY DAY TOASTS!!!!

A Toast for Friends & Family

Here’s to friends both near and far:
Here’s to woman, man’s guiding star:
Here’s to friends we’ve yet to meet,
Here’s to those here: all here I greet:
Here’s to childhood, youth, old age,
Here’s to prophet, bard and sage,
Here’s to health to every one,
Peace on earth, and heaven won!

"Real abundance is found when we join hands with those we love." anon

Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be
careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude. -
E.P. Powell

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving.
Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. -
George Carlin

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed
in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not
coincidence. - Erma Bombeck

thedrifter

11-22-06, 07:20 AM

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready

huey guns

11-25-06, 01:58 AM

I like george

thedrifter

11-28-06, 07:28 AM

A battalion of rangers was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone marine standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a ranger up to see what was going on.
As the ranger approached the marine sprinted into the woods, and the ranger followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the marine stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The marine ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The marine ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the rangers anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of rangers charging up the hill.
The marine ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded ranger crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one marine destroyed an entire battalion of rangers?"
The ranger replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"

thedrifter

11-28-06, 07:29 AM

I'M NOT STUPID!!
.
After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col., and a Marine Major.

Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.

The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up,"OK, Groundpounder, jump".

The Army Captain responded, "I am an Officer and Gentleman in the United States Army and you will address me as such."

The firemen yelled back, "OK, Captain, Sir, JUMP!"

The Captain jumped--the firemen moved the net--- and the Captain splattered on the ground.

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Swabbie, jump!"

The Navy Captain yelled back, "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Sir, JUMP!"--again the firemen moved the net and another splat.

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Flyboy, jump!", The Air Force Col. yelled back, "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve respect."

The firemen said, "OK, Pilot Sir, JUMP!"--They again moved the net and another splat.

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Jarhead, jump!"

The Marine Major yelled down, "I'm not stupid like those other guys--you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump, put that net on the ground and step back three paces."

tbruyle5

12-02-06, 11:40 PM

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help & she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

drumcorpssnare

12-06-06, 03:25 PM

Why are camels called "Ships of the Desert?"

Because they're full of Arab semen!:D

thedrifter

12-11-06, 07:32 AM

Strange Laws Around The World

Check out these nutty laws from across the U.S.A. and around the globe!

* In Alabama, prison guards are forbidden from referring to their
spouses as "the old ball 'n' chain."

* In Los Angeles, it's illegal for a waiter to tell a customer "I'm
really an actor."

* In Indiana, it's against the law to dress "Barbie" in "Ken's"
clothes.

* In Sedona, Ariz., it's illegal to lie about your astrological
sign.

* In Texas, it's illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.

* In Samoa, it's a crime to forget your wife's birthday.

* In Australia, it's illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.

* In Cannes, France, it's illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.

* In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks "Do you know why
I pulled you over?" by saying, "If you don't know, I'm not going to
tell you" is an automatic $300 fine.

* In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.

* In Portugal, it's against the law to pee in the ocean.

* In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf
coffee while working.

* In Vermont, it's illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings
under a table.

* In Tennessee, it's illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.

* In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in
diameter.

* In Georgia, it's illegal to teach a child under 5 the words
"penis" and "vagina."

* Unmarried women are not allowed to buy edible panties in South
Carolina.

* In Italy, anyone considered "obese" is forbidden from wearing
polyester.

* It's illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.

* Anyone caught selling a "smoothie" that has lumps is breaking the
law in California.

* In Arkansas, it's illegal for a woman getting married for the
second time to wear a white wedding gown.

* In Pennsylvania, it's against the law to put a dollar on a string
on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.

* In New York City, it's illegal for a restaurant to call it a
"corned beef sandwich" if it's made with white bread and mayonnaise.

tbruyle5

12-11-06, 10:10 AM

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, goodness knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a glass of apple cider and a tot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the bottles and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the glasses and they broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!!

thedrifter

12-13-06, 10:36 AM

Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize?

The man replied," "These are Carols."

thedrifter

12-13-06, 10:39 AM

Christmas Diet

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think, It's Christmas.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

thedrifter

12-13-06, 02:53 PM

The Wise Man (vanity, funny school Christmas Play story)

When I picked up Kirk from school on Monday his teacher, asked, "Have you been practicing Kirk's lines with him for the Christmas play?"

"What line?" I asked innocently. I had no idea what she was talking about.

She curled her upper lip making a rather stern face at me and said," Well, as you know, he is a wise man in our annual Christmas play. His line was stapled to the letter in his cubby."

She sighed and placed both hands on her hips. "When we asked him his line today, do you know what he said?"

"No. I'm sorry I don't, but I do know that he's a wise man in the play." I smiled helplessly. I was beginning to sweat a little.

She closed one eye pinning her open one on my confused face. "He said, 'I bring you the gift of Frankenstien'!"

I puckered my lips to hold in the laugh. I chuckled. A snorting sound came from my nose from trying not to laugh out loud. She wasn't laughing. She wasn't even smiling.

My smirk and chuckle were quickly replaced with fake horror. "No!" I gasped.

"Yes!" she huffed.

"He's supposed to say I bring the gift of frankincense." She began to speak very, very slowly and loud, the way ignorant people sometimes speak to a blind friend of mine when we go out to eat. "Frank-in-cents." the teacher spelled at me. "Will you practice this with him?"

"Yes, yes of course." I was back in grade school all over again. It was time to split before she stuck me in a corner, or worse, kept me inside during recess.

On the way home I asked Kirk about his line. "Kirk, what are you supposed to say in the play? Do you remember?"

"I bring the gift of franking cents Mommy." he uttered without effort.

"Wait a minute. I though you said Frankenstein to your teacher?!"

"I did Mommy." He laughed out loud. We both did.

Who's the wise man now, eh?

thedrifter

12-14-06, 06:56 AM

Real Answers From Traffic School Exams

Clever Drivers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's traffic school. YIKES!

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ****-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

jryanjack

12-14-06, 12:29 PM

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR:2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules that punishing criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

thedrifter

12-19-06, 04:19 PM

Memo From Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States South of the Mason-Dixon line on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current influx of illegal immigrants, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of our new contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your quite capable replacement, who happens to be my second cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family hails from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork skins (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat."

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

thedrifter

12-21-06, 09:18 AM

Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drummin

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Ellie

nc.gal

12-24-06, 02:18 PM

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop-----"Hello,I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."

"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"

"I don't know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."

"It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. Let me show you."

The pet shop worker raises the parrot's right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish..."
The match is them removed. He then lights a match under the left foot.
"Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh...." The match is then removed.

The man enthusiastically says, "That's really neat. Let me hear the third song."

The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot's legs.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

thedrifter

12-25-06, 02:17 PM

Christmas "Quotes"

"Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never
fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal." - Lenore Hershey

"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out
faster than the Christmas spirit." - Kin Hubbard

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a
thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." - Garrison Keillor

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and
ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of
the next year." - P. J. O'Rourke

"Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!" - Ogden Nash

thedrifter

12-25-06, 02:18 PM

Chistmas Quiz - Can you Name These
Carols?

CAN YOU NAME THESE CHRISTMAS SONGS?

1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas

2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres

3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous
darling

4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors

5. The apartment of two psychiatrists

6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist

7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis

8. Decorate the entryways

9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element

10. Oh small Israel urban center

11. Far off in a haybin

12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole

13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season

14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation

15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season

16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully

17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in
the dark hours

18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction

19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe

20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory
sense organ?

21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels
which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck

22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster

23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans

24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation,
darling

Answers

1. Oh Holy Night

2. Jingle Bell Rock

3. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

4. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

5. The Nutcracker Suite

6. Little Drummer Boy

7. Silent Night

8. Deck the Halls

9. Silver Bells

10. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

11. Away in a Manger

12. We Three Kings

13. The Twelve Days of Christmas

14. Go Tell It on the Mountain

15. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

17. While the Shepherds Guarded Their Flocks By Night

18. I Saw Three Ships

19. Joy to the World

20. Do You Hear What I Hear?

21. Carol of the Bells

22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

24. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

IamaMarine

12-25-06, 05:11 PM

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry with that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

and finally...

Some people make things happen, some watch while things happen, and some wonder "What happened?"

Which type of person are you?

Ed Palmer

12-31-06, 09:36 AM

DIV ! FOOTBALL RECRUITMENT CLASS BY COLLEGES

Michigan recruit
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

Michigan recruit
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs.. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

Ohio State Recruit
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler,Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."

Miami Recruit
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.

Michigan Recruit
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.

Miami Recruit
Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six
other colleges but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.

University of FLA. Recruit
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)

ACC AND SEC ONLY
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above assignees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm....this, they hope, will keep the runners alert.

Phantom Blooper

01-10-07, 06:54 PM

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like

Conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case!!!!!!!!!!

thedrifter

01-12-07, 09:56 AM

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,!
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala .
__________________________________________________ _____

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
__________________________________________________ _

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
__________________________________________________ _____

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and they

REPRODUCE;)

Phantom Blooper

01-14-07, 05:48 PM

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes. (You MUST read them out loud)

1) That is not right........................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao

5) Small Horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?..................Wai Yu So Tan

7) I think you need a face lift.............Chin Tu Fat

8) It is very dark in here...................Wao So Dim

9) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching

10) This is a tow away zone..................No Pah King

11) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao

12) Staying out of sight....................Lei Ying Lo

13) He is cleaning his automobile...........Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<O:p

Phantom Blooper

01-14-07, 08:32 PM

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola and was in line to checkout.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry .

The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no........I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Phantom Blooper

01-14-07, 08:49 PM

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like

Conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm. :banana:

I rest my case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ed Palmer

01-15-07, 09:45 AM

Greg finally gets remarried and one day not long after the end of
their honeymoon his wife starts complaining about him spending all his
free time in a bar. So one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll you have?" Greg asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," his wife replied. So,
Greg ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can
drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried Greg. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"

Ed Palmer

01-15-07, 02:15 PM

COWBOY HONEYMOON
A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel
for their honeymoon
.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This here is a very special 'casion....our wedding night, and
we need a good room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"
The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied,"No, I
guess not
I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

thedrifter

01-19-07, 08:38 AM

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 84?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said , "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a ****?"

Ed Palmer

01-19-07, 10:28 AM

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule
to the hitching rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle
of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed.

Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool
you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his
last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, got his 10 gauge shotgun and pulled
both hammers back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then
everything got quiet. He slowly turned around and was looking at the old
prospector aiming both barrels right at him.

The old man asked him, "Did you ever kiss a mule's axs?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No Sir, but I've always wanted
to!"

thedrifter

01-20-07, 10:02 AM

Aeronautical Humor

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
________________________________________
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

________________________________________
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

________________________________________
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)

________________________________________
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe

________________________________________
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

________________________________________
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,...the pilot dies.

________________________________________
Never trade luck for skill.

________________________________________
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh**!"

________________________________________
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

________________________________________
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

________________________________________
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

________________________________________
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is a prevarication.

________________________________________
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

________________________________________
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

________________________________________
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

________________________________________
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

________________________________________
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

________________________________________
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

________________________________________
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

________________________________________
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

________________________________________
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

________________________________________
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)

________________________________________
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

________________________________________
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

________________________________________
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
(Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)

________________________________________
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

________________________________________
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Words of Wisdom to me;)

Phantom Blooper

01-21-07, 12:04 PM

Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart? -- cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? -- cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. -- I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? -- cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? -- cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, -- I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, -- but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Fat Penguin! -- I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, -- but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? -- I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, -- we kin sleep til afternoon.

*** and .... the best for last! ***

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, -- every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
:banana:

thedrifter

01-21-07, 01:05 PM

Why Our Country is in Trouble
email (eye rolling humor)

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over ! all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Phantom Blooper

01-22-07, 11:57 AM

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need, worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:

STERNUM!":banana:

ringoffire

01-22-07, 12:35 PM

Balls or GUTS
Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the

outcome since both ultimately result in death.

GySgtRet

01-22-07, 01:08 PM

Thank you ever so much for clearing this up for all of us guys.

:banana: :yes:

semperfiman

01-22-07, 03:55 PM

The Knob Face Lift

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems."All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

thedrifter

01-22-07, 04:17 PM

Sent to me by a Marine friend

Snow Route Parking

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over
breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the power went out.

Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes must exhibit, Norman says...
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Ellie

thedrifter

01-31-07, 02:59 PM

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What worse is that everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless in New York

***************************************

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York . Act like one.

Ed Palmer

01-31-07, 04:07 PM

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once
in a
while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the

place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She
walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of
a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll
just
look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to
the
back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just

long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the
bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for
me
just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you
like
a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf
on
that statue, the lights go out."

ringoffire

02-01-07, 05:51 PM

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their
fathers

did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman,
mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristicall y quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied:
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some
guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little
Justin

aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but
I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Roogger

02-01-07, 08:31 PM

A man went to the doctor because it hurt when he ****ed. The doctor did some tests and came back after a while and told the man.

"I've got some bad news, you've got the clap, herpes, HIV, and a two STD's that we can't identify. We want to put you in a solitary room and feed you pancakes, pizza, and toast."

The man obviously overcome at the news said, " Is that gonna make me better?"

The doctor respond, " No but it's all we can fit under the door!".

IamaMarine

02-04-07, 05:48 AM

The commander of the C-141 was in a hurry to fly out of the U.S. air base in Thule, Greenland. But everything was working against him. The truck to pump the sewage from the plane was late, and then the airman pumping out the tank was taking his time. The commander berated the lowly airman, threatening to have him punished. Turning to the officer, the airman said, "I have no stripes, it's 40 degrees below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just how do you plan on punishing me?"

Ed Palmer

02-04-07, 10:41 AM

SUPER BOWL TIME

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Superbowl, game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Superbowl, , the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl, game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

Phantom Blooper

02-08-07, 06:16 PM

A young Marine Major meets with the 1st Sgt in his office. He asks, "Top, how do you run such an efficient outfit? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the 1st Sgt, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
The Major frowns. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The 1st Sgt takes a sip of coffee. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The 1st Sgt yells out to one of his favorite Gunnery Sgt. The Gunny walks into the room. "Yes, Top, what can I do for you?"
The 1st Sgt smiles "Answer me this, please. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, the Gunnery Sgt answers, "Well, that would be me."
"Yes, Very good, thanks" says the 1st Sgt.
The Major goes back to his office to ask all of the junior officers in his section the same question. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
All of the officers look at the Major in amazement, “We're not sure, Sir. Let us get back to you on that one."
The junior officers then have numerous meetings to discuss it without a resolution. Finally, they run into the Sgt Major, "Sgt Major! Can you answer this for us? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
The Sgt Major yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
All of the officers smile, and say, "Thanks!"
Then, they schedule a meeting with the Major, "Sir we found the answer, we did some research and we have the answer to that riddle. It's a Sgt Major."
The Major gets up, and starts screaming at them, "No, you idiots! It's a Gunny!":evilgrin: :banana: :marine:

Ed Palmer

02-12-07, 10:37 AM

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have
one problem. It's these br*asts you've given me. The middle one pushes
the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms."

She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc .....she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she
put it.

"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I
gave the animals six br*asts, so I figured that you needed only half of
those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And He reached down, removed the middle br*ast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
create a man from a part of you. Now let's see ...........where did I
put that useless t*t?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

JinxJr

02-14-07, 01:24 PM

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have
entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I
am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your
right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep
breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while
I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your unit.

Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One...two...three..."

JinxJr

02-14-07, 01:26 PM

Einstein's birthday is March 14. He would now be 127. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well
endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as . . .

"Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty".

JinxJr

02-14-07, 01:35 PM

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,

"Parkinson's".

Ed Palmer

02-15-07, 12:31 PM

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put
the
two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
"THEIRS"?

Ed Palmer

02-19-07, 12:33 PM

There is so much truth in this.
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he/she falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer : He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite one:

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, and on Sat & Sun I rest

Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.

nc.gal

02-20-07, 03:33 PM

There are ways to make just about any situation fun, even going to your dorm shower...

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.

12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.

15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.

16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm," making the sound of the animal in their stall.

17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds -- including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.

19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"

22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.

23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.

24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...).

26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.

28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.

29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an "Mmmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.

30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

31. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.

32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

33. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!" Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.

nc.gal

02-22-07, 02:47 PM

A Man At The Beach
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

Phantom Blooper

02-22-07, 03:52 PM

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles are in the way
so he says,

"Geez, all I can smell is....

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MOLASSES!:banana: :banana:

Ed Palmer

02-23-07, 07:56 AM

OLD BUT DESERVES A BUMP

A group of Marine Corp Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.

The Major says, "Excuse me, Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"

The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."

Ed Palmer

02-23-07, 07:57 AM

Your Zipper is Down

A Marine walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is

open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way

looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier

had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line

to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her

counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a

Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

__________________________________________________

jinelson

02-23-07, 08:02 AM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."

Ed Palmer

02-23-07, 09:25 AM

A man went into a bar and ordered two beers. He sat and drank them
both at the bar in quick succession.

The next day the same sequence of events transpired.

The barman asked, "So how come you order two like that, when there's
only one of you?"

The man said, "My brother is serving in Iraq, and I told him I'd have
a drink on his behalf for him every night until he gets back."

This continued for some days, then one day the man came in and ordered
only one beer, and started to drink it. The barman said, "Well, I suppose
there's been very good news or very bad."

"A bit of both," said the man. "I've given up the booze for Lent."

HOLM

02-26-07, 07:18 PM

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

thedrifter

03-02-07, 03:37 PM

Golf Joke

A guy on the golf course is starting to go thru his pre-shot routine when he hears this loud voice, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE PLEASE MOVE TO THE MEN'S TEE."

He looks around and everyone's staring at him. He steps back from the ball and restarts his routine. Again the voice says, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE PLEASE STEP BACK TO THE MEN'S TEE."

He looks around again, steps away from his ball, and restarts his routine. He's interrupted by the voice one more time, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE PLEASE STEP BACK TO THE MEN'S TEE."

He step's back from the ball and yells back, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN WITH THE MICROPHONE SHUT THE **** UP SO I CAN TAKE MY SECOND SHOT!"

ringoffire

03-03-07, 09:33 AM

HOUSEWORK

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home
from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer
and
another in the dryer.
Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.
She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have
sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends
all
about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped
the
kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I
really
enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.."
Life is good.

Ed Palmer

03-03-07, 02:13 PM

Good Bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

thedrifter

03-05-07, 09:50 AM

NOT LONG ENOUGH

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
told him that he would now need to enter a password ...
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was

in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

nc.gal

03-09-07, 03:06 PM

In the days of sail, a boatswain was court-martialled for murdering a sailor. It seemed he had knocked the man on the head and thrown his body over the side. He said the man had deserted, and swum ashore.
His defending officer made a lot of the fact that no body had been found.

"In fact," he said, "The sailor has just been arrested by the press gang, and they will now bring him in."

He pointed to the cabin door, and the judges followed his direction.

After thirty seconds, nothing happened. He lowered his arm and said, "Gentlemen, I confess that he has not been found - but you all waited to see if he would appear. You must therefore have some doubt that he is dead, and so you must not convict."

The court martial continued, and eventually the court was cleared for the five judges withdrew to discuss their verdict. There seemed no doubt, but the most junior judge (who must give his opinion first) said firmly, "Guilty."

"Nonsense," said the Admiral, "We all looked at the door. How can you have no doubt?"

"We all looked at the door, sir, but the boatswain didn't"

.

thedrifter

03-09-07, 05:06 PM

Joke du Jour
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Ever since we had an efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!"

thedrifter

03-10-07, 01:22 PM

Henry was at the doctor's office for a a follow up visit. After the examination, he said to Doctor Tannenbaum, "Well, Doc, you sure kept your promise." "How's that?" Doctor Taylor asked. "Well, you said I'd be walking in a month," answered Henry. "And you were right. I had to sell my car to pay your bill!"
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A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me a thousand cockroaches at once!" "What in the world do you want with a thousand cockroaches? " asked the clerk. "Well," said the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found it."
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It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. The last time he came over I was on the defensive. "If you sent out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion." He looked at me and said, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
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A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"
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When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard. We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said good-bye, she tearfully exclaimed, "I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!"
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I took my 4-year-old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guys night out." As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" I explained that they were tiny seeds and that they were OK to eat. He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
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An interviewer asked, "Can you operate a typewriter?" "Yes, sir," answered the young job candidate. "I use the Biblical system." "I never heard of it," said the interviewer. "How does that work?" "Seek and ye shall find!" replied the young candidate.

Phantom Blooper

03-11-07, 09:44 PM

SILK PAJAMAS

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go

fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be

gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that

promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for

a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the

office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she

does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise,

looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many

fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye' some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But

why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

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The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box ."

gotMS

03-11-07, 10:05 PM

Mickey, Minnie and Goofy

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey Sucks!” written out in a yellow liquid in the snow. He investigated and realized there was good news and bad news.

It appeared to be Goofy's urine, but Minnie's handwriting.

gotMS

03-11-07, 10:09 PM

DUI

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

thedrifter

03-14-07, 07:50 AM

One morning while making breakfast,

a man walked up to his wife,

pinched her on the butt and said...

"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of

your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable,

she kept silent.

The next morning,

the man woke his wife with

a pinch on each of her breasts

and said....

"You know, if you firmed these up,

we could get rid of your bra."

This was

beyond

a silent response...

So she rolled over

and

grabbed him

by his

'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place,

she said...

"You know,

if you

firmed this up,

we could

get rid of

the gardener ,

the postman,

the pool man

and

your brother!"

Have A Good Day! .

thedrifter

03-14-07, 12:16 PM

Jarhead Math

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK ( Republic of Korea ) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many, many Chinese!"

"Dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"General, we got a whole ****load of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count."

gotMS

03-15-07, 09:09 AM

Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
http://www.got-ms.com/funny_pictures/img/c20x20.gif

thedrifter

03-15-07, 04:08 PM

Military Rules

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...

Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's, It can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines...

Phantom Blooper

03-16-07, 10:06 AM

Four retired Navy Chiefs are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents total, please."

The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents altogether, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar together.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story!" says one of the Navy Chiefs. The four of them sip at their martinis and can't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who don't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time the Chiefs were there.

The Chief finishes his martini and, gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

Ed Palmer

03-16-07, 10:23 AM

Last night, my wife and I made love at the drive-in theater, and it was exactly like the way it was years ago before we were married -- except for the part where our kids were complaining about not being able to see the movie.

drumcorpssnare

03-16-07, 10:32 AM

The doctor came out of the delivery room, and spoke to the new father. "Your son is completely healthy, but he was born with no eyelids. However, with careful plastic surgery, we can use your son's foreskin to "make" eyelids for him. He should be fine."
The concerned father gave permission for the procedure.
A few days later, the doctor removed the bandages. Both parents anxiously awaited the news from the doctor.
"The surgery went well folks. He's a little cock-eyed, but he's fine."
drumcorpssnare:usmc:

The Rat

03-18-07, 04:46 AM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her and said:
What's in the bowl *****?!

The Rat

03-18-07, 04:47 AM

Mary, Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And one BIG ****ing onion!

Ed Palmer

03-19-07, 01:38 PM

The Promised Land

2,000 years ago, Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel and I shall lead you to the Promised Land."

200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the Promised Land."

Last year,the Congress of the United States said "Si, Amigos, throw away your shovel, sit on your ass, light your Camels, we're giving you the Promised Land."

"God save the Republic."

Ed Palmer

03-20-07, 09:22 AM

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you
about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful
flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes m e out for dinner...
a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much
I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: ! "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

thedrifter

03-20-07, 08:02 PM

40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of
view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different

cball

03-24-07, 03:21 PM

A Marine and soldier was getting a haircut ,the barber ask the soldier if he wanted smelly stuff on his hair,he said no my wife will think I've been in a ***** house! The barber ask the Marine the same and he said sure MY wife's never been in a ***** house..

CHUCK CADMAN

03-24-07, 04:08 PM

This Was The Best Laugh I've Had In A Long Time.

Thanks;

gotMS

03-24-07, 08:50 PM

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice
http://www.got-ms.com/funny_pictures/img/c20x20.gif

cball

03-25-07, 04:31 PM

A cop was patroling a lovers lane when he pulled up to a car .He walked over tapped on the window and shined the light in. The officer ask what they were doing,the guy says (its OK officer she's my wife .) The cop says (oh I'm sorry I didnt know) the guy says I didn't either till you shined the light on her..

thedrifter

03-26-07, 10:49 AM

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Phantom Blooper

03-26-07, 08:44 PM

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be ****ten Me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again , the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me........

thedrifter

04-04-07, 03:17 PM

Two Dollar Bill

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.

In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No.. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

Just think...those two will be voting as a Democrat rsoon!!

Phantom Blooper

04-14-07, 09:10 PM

When James Brown died...

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Phantom Blooper

04-17-07, 06:53 AM

The owner of a bar had a bartender that was a big burly guy. In fact, he had a $1000 prize to anyone who could get just one more drop of juice from a lemon the bartender would squeeze while making a drink.

Many tried. Weight lifters, jocks, many tried and failed.

One day this small, scrawny guy in a rumbled suit visited the bar and said he had heard about the prize offering and wanted to take a stab at winning it. Everyone laughed, but he was given a chance.

He squeezed, and got 6 more drops of lemon juice. WOW! Amazed by this they kept asking him what he did for a living. Surely he must have some secret to his amazing strength.

Finally he replied, I work for the IRS...:devious:

thedrifter

04-24-07, 07:23 AM

Girls night out!

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided
to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them
thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next
day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you."

davecerami275

04-25-07, 08:17 AM

<HR class=hrcolor width="100%" SIZE=1> A new sign in the bank lobby says: Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling its customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles."
"Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures as outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed."
"Please follow the procedure for you gender."

Male Procedures.

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required to withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

Female Procedures

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align the car window with the machine.

3. Set Parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, empty contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make-up in rearview mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to find wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check make-up.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag to locate card holder, and place card in the approciate slot.

23. Give dirty look to male driver waiting patiently behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull out.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release parking brake.

28. Drive another 2 - 3 miles.

29. Repeat procedure when you realise you did not withdraw enough cash.

thedrifter

05-01-07, 09:52 AM

Three roses

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He just wanted to thank you for his new ears."

ROHO

05-03-07, 11:04 AM

Afew years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest (dated Feb 1962) came accros this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current debates.

The quote reads:

vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message froma Native American Indian Chief on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws. We wre careless with ours."

Native american Observation:

Recently and old indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a Cermonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances you've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for
over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, woman did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

JinxJr

05-03-07, 02:06 PM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

thedrifter

05-05-07, 07:53 AM

What the Rangers Think of the Marines

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"

Ellie

JinxJr

05-07-07, 12:25 PM

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls
him 'Maestro'!" "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and
everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!" And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The f***ing Arab!'"

Phantom Blooper

05-12-07, 05:45 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big
white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought
you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready
to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to
feel better.." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles
around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy
struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin".

Phantom Blooper

05-15-07, 09:42 PM

See Dick Run

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nc.gal

05-16-07, 03:36 PM

THE BLONDE HUBBY

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

"Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

Phantom Blooper

05-17-07, 05:04 PM

Talking USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennesseeand he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States Marines... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. Hell, he was in the Navy!" :banana:

Ed Palmer

05-21-07, 09:20 AM

Two good ole boys in an trailer park were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the 1st guy says to 2nd, If'n
I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife
while you was off huntin and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that
make us kin?

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he
says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"

Ed Palmer

05-21-07, 12:09 PM

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That
way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says
"Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many
boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his
boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "No - We talked
'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test
it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want
you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when
they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose
it!"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said,
"Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on
me! Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know
I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get
it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local
cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a
sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!
I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no
I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

Dave Coup

05-22-07, 08:38 AM

During a meeting between the Sheep Herders Association of a small Wyoming Town and a young man from the EPA, The young man was explaining a plan to live trap the Coyotes that had been ravaging the Sheep herds. He explained that the coyotes would be trapped, neutered and returned to the wild, thereby reducing the number of coyotes.
After listening to the plan an old cowboy in the rear of the room stood up and said.
"Son I don't think you understand the problem. Them coyotes aint ****ing our sheep, they're eatin' em"

thedrifter

06-01-07, 09:35 AM

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of
>it.
>
>FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
>More than one.
>
>FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and
>often.
>
>FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
>
>FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking,
>laughing, and just being together. Then do the dishes
>before leaving.
>
>FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct
>quotes from you. And most of the time know you
>better than you do yourself.
>
>FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the
>crowd is doing.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds'
>back-ends that left you. Then walk beside you in the
>front of the crowd.
>
>FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
>If you are not home they will wait.
>
>FRIENDS: Are for a while.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
>
>FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
>SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their
>Southern Friends!

Ed Palmer

06-04-07, 12:15 PM

Hi,

Today, local police found a man's body in a park nearby.

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls,
Wrinkly Butt and a Small pecker.

Please email me back so I'll know you're OK.

Sincerely worried,
Your Concerned Friend

Osotogary

06-04-07, 02:57 PM

That's pretty shallow stuff there, Ed.
You could have mentioned a rapier wit, or a dynamic personality along with the physical description. LOL. Just in case you're interested... NO, my friend hasn't gotten in touch with me either.

Good stuff, Ed. Thanks.

Phantom Blooper

06-17-07, 02:19 PM

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military.

He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC thinking he would start by working his way across the USA.

On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call."

The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The solider replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The man thanked him and went on his way.

Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Oceana, he decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard MCB Camp Lejeune, NC and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the Enlisted Club.
There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

Just then, a Gunnery Sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign.
"Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The Gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine Base now son, it's a local call." :angel:

:evilgrin:

Phantom Blooper

06-21-07, 09:50 PM

Former President of the United States of America, Bill and his wife, Hillary the US Senator from New Your are at the first Yankees home game of the season a few months ago, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."

The agent then says, "Mr.. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want."

Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill, you f*cking azzhole!"

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first...PITCH !" :banana: :yes:

Phantom Blooper

06-22-07, 04:59 PM

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS; It's the tribes that settled there, Lord, the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow, and, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

St. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....

GOD : Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
</WMFILTERED>

Phantom Blooper

06-23-07, 06:33 AM

My car accident

Hello all,

This past Monday, on my way to the store, I was adjusting the car radio when I rear ended a car at a traffic light My fault, I should have been paying more attention.

The guy I hit got out of his car, he was a dwarf.

He said, " I am NOT HAPPY...."

To which I replied, “Well, which one are you then?"

My urologist said I may be released from the hospital as soon as the swelling and groin pain subsides.............:banana:

Phantom Blooper

06-29-07, 03:42 PM

"The Thingie"

There was a man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day,
he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over
except his "thingie."

So he decided to do something about it. He went to the
beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the
sand, except for his thingie; which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a
cane.

Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she
began to move it around with her cane , remarking to
the other lady, "There is no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant. She said,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing
wild on the beach, and I'm too old to squat!:banana:

OLE SARG

06-29-07, 03:51 PM

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress! Amen to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEMPER FI,

Ed Palmer

06-30-07, 03:36 PM

OCEMAs (Overly Creative Emergency Medical Acronyms)
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shreds), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use is not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen" or "residentially challenged", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as the "PVC Challenge".
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no longer playing records).

thedrifter

07-03-07, 10:51 AM

Joint Rules for the Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps Game

New SecDef Directive: Joint Rules for the Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps Game.

The Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 2005 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament:

Recently the Pentagon announced new rules for the annual Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament. It is now known that fully integrated teams will take to the gridiron only after negotiating the following:

1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs of Staff deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty. Second, touching another player today -- even the congratulatory pat on the behind -- is court-martial bait.

2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous "throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns the long-range air attack mission.

3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.

4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should be avoided.

5. To promote inter-service cooperation, all teams were ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.

The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line.

The Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan called for players -- each called a ball "carrier" -- to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a roaming "presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.

The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.

The Air Force's "Field-Wide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, time outs, halftime, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.

After examining each team's playbook the Secretary of Defense ruled that none was suitable, leaving each service to its own devices.

The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field at all. Instead, its players patrolled up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches. Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined; and, three, the president would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.

The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7 billion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space.

Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing field and declared themselves the winners.

And there was joy in Mudville.

You may wonder why the Coast Guard didn't participate in the game. Well, the Coast Guard originally suggested a game plan which would save tons of money by using a 35 year old football (painted white with a red stripe, for easy identification on the field); they would also play with hand-me-down uniforms from the Navy. Then, in order to economize, the Coast Guard proposed to play with only six players who would act as both offense, defense, first, second and third string. In order to provide value for service, these same six players would also sell concessions at halftime and sweep the stadium after the game. If asked, the Coast Guard players would also wipe the game ball for the Navy between plays. In order to reflect the right proportions of the smallest U.S. military force, four players would be designated quarterbacks, two as wide receivers, and one as left tackle. Oops, forgot they’d only field six players: forget the tackle.

However, the Coast Guard never made it to the game because Secretary Rumsfeld said the Coast Guard couldn't win on their own; the Coast Guard was told to confine play to the practice field from now on.

Little does the Secretary know the Coast Guard managed to sneak the six players in to the game anyway: dressed as cheerleaders!

nc.gal

07-04-07, 02:35 PM

A Whale of a Joke

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean.

On seeing a boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

The female says, "Uh... I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it?"

Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

The female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

nc.gal

07-04-07, 02:42 PM

Slow Down vs. Stop

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer."

Ed Palmer

07-06-07, 01:02 PM

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,

"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man
who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The
teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and
I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know,
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus
Christ. "

Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business."

thedrifter

07-10-07, 05:29 AM

The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.. '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP ******* AND SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

And...they lived happily ever after.