Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he
managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the
point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small
talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a
pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...yousa finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No-oh." Surprised, the
young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed
about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and
again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Yousa finish?" And again,
after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and
softly says, "No-oh."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and
ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and
asks again,

"Yousa finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "Oh no, I Norwegian."

[Phantom Blooper]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Static_Sky25]

GREAT PAIR

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[DanBO]

Brokeback Mountain sets a new precedence in Westerns. This is the first Western where the Good Guys get it in the End.

[Phantom Blooper]

Rumsfeld reported to the President and his Cabinet that, "Three
Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

In horror, the President replied, "Oh, my God!" and he buried his
head in his hands. The entire Cabinet was stunned by Bush's reaction.
Usually George shows no emotion whatsoever to these reports.

Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazilian??" :banana:

[Static_Sky25]

Female verses Male Poem
FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

---------------

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

[ringoffire]

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8 Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for

your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .


e-mail this to someone to make them smile. Its called sanity.

[ringoffire]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?

He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.

"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the
power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.
Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in
one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't.

[BOOGIEMAN44]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a
10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give
you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike

[cohoskip]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was r eleased from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"









(You'll love this!!!)







God replied:
"I didn't recognize you."

[cohoskip]

SUBJECT: : Chicago Police



Two men were driving through Chicago when they got pulled over by a
Chicago Police Officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window
with his
nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in
the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Chicago, son," the officer answered. "When we pull you over
in Chicago, you better have your license ready by the time we get to
your
car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from Wisconsin and didn't
know your laws here."

The officer runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives
the guy his license back.

The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the officer smacks
him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the officer.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you Cheesehead types," the officer says, "two miles
down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that
a**hole would've tried that s**t with me!' "

[cohoskip]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who
is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and
hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath."Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed
potatoes."Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just
happened.The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later, the
blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again."Sir,
remember me? I'm the blind man.""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll
go get you a dirty fork."The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it
to the blind man.After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."Walking
away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in,
he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.He returns the
following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the
kitchen.He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I
take it to the blind man." Sue complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting."Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."The blind man puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked
here..."

[Ed Palmer]

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said
the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'",
was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

[Phantom Blooper]

On their honeymoon, the blond bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Can't, it's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

:banana: :banana:

Whys my banana orange instead of yellow?

[Phantom Blooper]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she jerks and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

This is cute.
Why your coffee taste funny

Be sure to follow directions.

1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOO! SE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI"
ENJOY!
Don't forget to click on "APRI" when you see it!!!

COFFEE MACHINE

http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf

[Phantom Blooper]

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

[Phantom Blooper]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,"'Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing."

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Phantom Blooper]

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone UA. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go UA?"

The recruit replied, "Sir,my first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!"

[Ed Palmer]

BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

[Ed Palmer]

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed,
“Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”

[Ed Palmer]

:sick: http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/wedding.htm:sick:

[cohoskip]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."

The cardinal thought about it and said, "Well the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And during the sermon, as promised, the cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,

"While Senator Kerry's presence was probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. I could never again trust the man after he turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."

The cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

[cohoskip]

Fact or fiction?

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al. Gray, a crusty old "field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into mess halls wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it.
He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Ane, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.")
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye' were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals aroung the ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a refined, big-chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in thier blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.
She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal. As she drew near him she asked "would you like a pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that ****, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest." His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was taken back! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of attention. Then he said, "I don't eat that **** Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "parade rest" he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say that to her!
The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that Military man who was over all these "soldiers" a little earlier. She spotted General Gray across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in ths left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant interrupted and told told him what had happened. Confident she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation.
General Gray wrinkled hid brow, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm.""Which one did you say it was Ma'am?"' the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said.
General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly he looked up, his expression changed to one indicating he had made his decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "well, f**k him! Don't give him any."

[cohoskip]

Subject: A QUICK BEER BEFORE IT STARTS


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She
looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he
said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she
looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said,
"quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron
all day long??" The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."

[Phantom Blooper]

Thought for the day . . .


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. :banana: :banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A smart manager of a Fifth Avenue advertising agency called a staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your winkie. . . This is your winkie on drugs.:banana: :yes:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one
leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.

We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off
and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of
her clothes and completely naked, streaked, as fast as an old lady
can, through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement." :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Police Tapes



The following "sound bites" were taken off actual police car videos around the
country. There are some pretty funny policemen out there!



14) . "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."



13) . "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."



12) . "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."



11) . "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"



10) . "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"



9) . "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."



8) . "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"



7) . "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."



6) . "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."



5) . "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."



4) . "Just how big were those two beers?"



3) . "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."



2) . "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And the best one . . . . .



1) . "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

[Ed Palmer]

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[ssgtt32]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[Phantom Blooper]

NAVAJO MESSAGE TO THE MOON


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.His son translat! ed for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA off! icial accompanying the astronauts said,"Why certainly!" and told an un derling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed ! long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE *******S. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, ya'll, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at Bubba's House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[ringoffire]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table...in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born (or conceived) on a pool table.
14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[ringoffire]

Sorry about my last post...Phantom Blooper got here first and I didn't look before posting. Can someone tell me how to delete it.

[Ed Palmer]

Oil change












Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

===============================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But .. you know the job was done right!

[thedrifter]

A little military humor
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:


US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"



US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.

I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training, " I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30, 000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature

_____________________
Date




US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate, " because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head, " when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature

______________________
Date




US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh
....high-and-tight....grunt...cammies....kill....fix
bayonets....charge....slash ....dig....burn....blowup....ugh....beer.......... air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....
grenades....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"


X____________________ Thumb Print

XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks





P.S. Less than 28 hours before Christy is on deck. >_

[thedrifter]

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

- the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

- people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

- when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.

- a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- the choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

- in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last
names in the church directory.

- people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.

- instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

- the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."

- "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

- the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah."


God Bless and don't Y'all fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

[Static_Sky25]

Naval/Marine Aviator:

On a carrier, the Naval/Marine Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force:

We've all seen Air Force pilots look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the crew chief waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ... well ... you know what.

Army:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the crew chief a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the crew chief that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/ATT225018.jpg

[cohoskip]

Four macho guys go on a fishing expedition. To save a little money, they rent a small cabin that has only 2 bedrooms. Bill sleeps with Charlie the first night and he came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.



The other two ask, "What happened to you?"



Bill says, "That Charlie, he snores so loud, I was kept awake watching him all night. I can't do that another night so one of you has got to do it!" Since Charlie snores so loudly, no one else wants to room with him, but they finally agree to take turns.



The next night is Oscar's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. Oscar declares, "Man, that Charlie shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't wake him! I watched him all night."



The third night is Steve's turn. The next morning Steve comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed." The other two can't believe it. "What happened?" they ask, "How on earth did you sleep with all that racket?"



Steve says, Well, as we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Charlie into bed and kissed him good night. Then he watched ME all night long."

[Ed Palmer]

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.

"I stepped on a rake."

[Since1775]

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

[Ed Palmer]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

[cohoskip]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, the 3-year-old daughter, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again!"

[cohoskip]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using.. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was The pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

[cohoskip]

Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year- old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So.... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

[ringoffire]

42 Things in the Life of an Italian Child



01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every

day for an entire year after a funeral.

02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch

was pronounced "sangwich."

03. Your family dog understood Italian.

04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your

grandparents and extended family.

05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50

square feet of yard during a family cookout.

06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three

meals a day, not seven.

07. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,

capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed

ceiling was absolutely normal. (Wow, that's really Italian!)

08. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every

Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.

09. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and

that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.

14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in

stores.

15. You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.

16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.

17. You ate your salad after the main course.

18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

19. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.

20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your hand.

21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.

24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or

Louie.

25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

26. You have relatives you don't speak to.

27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.

28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the

Sopranos.

29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of

dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.

30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on

plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.

31. You thought that talking loud was normal.

32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed

in their pockets by their relatives.

34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no

matter what their age.

35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.

36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.

37. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father.

38. You called pasta "macaroni".

39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school

40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually meant going out for a cup of

coffee over Zia's house.

41. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and accident was

attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.

42. Those of you who get this...KNOW who to pass it on to! CIAO!

[Ed Palmer]

Americanized


Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a
bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has
become more Americanized will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy
says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's
for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "F... you, towel-head!"

[Ed Palmer]

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[Ed Palmer]

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a *****house. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through the screen. The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. "That's not a foot!" she screamed. The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum."

[Ed Palmer]

One Monday Boris is sitting in a bar in Moscow and he kicks over a bottle on the floor. Out pops a Genie and grants Boris 1 wish.

Boris is quite drunk and he makes his wish-- "I Wish I make my own Vodka for life". The wish is granted! Later that night Boris had to go to the mens room for a leak. He looks down and notices that his urine is clear and smells like Vodka!! Boris looks around and no one is there, so

Boris tastes the urine and it is the best Vodka he has ever drank.

He then rushes home and yells "Ludmilla.. Two glasses" He proceeds to unzip his pants and fill the two glasses. "Drink he says!!" Ludmilla thinks Boris is drunk again and laughs. Finally Boris convinces her to
drink and she also agrees that this is the best Vodka she has ever had.

Tuesday Boris comes home from work and yells "Ludmilla.. TWO GLASSES." He proceeds to unzip his pants and fill the two glasses. They drink the Vodka until they are both drunk and pass out.

This happens Wednesday & Thursday.

Finally on Friday Boris comes home from work and yells "Ludmilla.. ONE GLASS!!!" Ludmilla is shocked, she says "What is the matter Boris, have I done something wrong?"

BORIS STATES " NO LUDMILLA, TONIGHT YOU DRINK FROM BOTTLE........................"

[cohoskip]

Two blondes, Brittney and Lindsey, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Brittney, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Lindsey, who was watching Brittney doing this for
a while, was curious and asked Brittney, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"

Brittney explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Lindsey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[cohoskip]

Sven and Ole walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure! Ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

Moments later, Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and blasts the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head and laments, "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Larson hengliding."

[cohoskip]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send
him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to
report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he
shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have
company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike.....

"A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are
moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !! "

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad
called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."

[Mama]

Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year- old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So.... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

[Mama]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[Mama]

Do Two Jobs At Once!

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog

[thedrifter]

Italian humor

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her nonna said ..



"Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a young boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that."



"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna like that too, but don'ta let him do that." "But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that.



Doing thata willa disgrace the family."



With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.



The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:



"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,



I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

[bigalholmes165]

.

A real good reason to learn a 2nd language -

http://dr-joe.com/videos/germancoastguard.htm

.

[Ed Palmer]

2 lawyers





Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time...
so... do you think we should well, you know, screw her?"
"Out of what?" asked the other.

[Mama]

Oh Yeah!





A 'touchy-feely' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked,
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."


The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil?"

[ssgtt32]

Nice one Mama, got to love those snipers!

YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU DIE TIRED!

[Phantom Blooper]

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles.

So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off ! all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles.

The doctor asked, Where?

Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?

[Phantom Blooper]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for
a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"



"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"



"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products
and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left
the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"


Maxine: "No, they open!":yes: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.

"Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question, yes or no."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded,"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other."

"I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and
said" How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, I know dis yo u fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure "I wan.... numba 6 9"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries....... "You wan.... Beef with Brocceri?"

[Phantom Blooper]

Fireman sex!

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.

"The next night he came home from work and yelled, " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.

[Ed Palmer]

Hi honey"
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."

A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.


"Well,Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says,


"Swimming pool? . . .


Is this 486-5731?"

[cohoskip]

<table border="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr><td> </td> <td align="right">
</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <hr> Pope John Paul finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Marine Staff Sergeant opens the gate and asks, "Wadda you want?"



"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here." The Staff Duty NCO checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning."



They go to an old WW II receiving barracks, 3rd floor, open squad bay. All the bottom bunks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.



The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti.



In the back seat of the Jaguar sits a First Sergeant in dress blues, his Silver Master Parachute Wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with a magnificent halo.



This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Staff Duty NCO's desk and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with 63 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks while this First Sergeant, who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man, is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"



The Staff Duty NCO calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 50 or 60 years, but we ain't never had a First Sergeant before!"

[Phantom Blooper]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.
Five years go by, and there’s another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, What the hell was that all about??

[junker316]

A woman, a fews months after ending an unsettling and abusive relationship, puts an ad in the daily Newspaper for some campanionship. The ad reads as follows...

" I am a 28 year old brunette with a well figured body. I don't ask for much. All I reallly want in life is a man who will love me back. I need a man who won't hit me when he is angry. A man who won't walk out and cheat on me when he is upset. And a man who is well endowed since in my last relationship when he was done I was always left unsatisfied ".

A few days go by and the the doorbell rings. She looks out through the peep-hole and there is no-one there. She turns to walk away when the doorbell rings again. This time she opens the door to see a man there with no arms or legs.

She politely says " Sir, I am not able to buy anything at this time could you please come back at a later date ". Thinking this was the ploite way to turn down any offers that the man might be asking for.

The man replies " Ma'am I'm not here to sell anything. I am here to answer your ad in the Newspaper. "

With this woman steps back and says " Just how do you plan on answering the ad? "

The man says " I have no arms so I can never hit you when I'm angry. I have no legs so I can never walk out and cheat on you when I'm upset. "

The woman smiles " Just how do you plan on pleasing me in the bed then since you can't hold me either? "

The man states " With what do you think I rang the doorbell with? "

[thedrifter]

PSA: Stolen Wallet SCAM, Don't be a victim like me!

Don't be a victim like me. I don't how many of you shop at Home Depot, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of omething that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are putting your shopping in the trunk of your car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their modesty almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start getting intimate with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

:D

[ssgtt32]

Subject: Lawn Mower


Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care
of first; the truck, the car, fishing, golfing. There was always something
more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone
only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass", I said, "you might as well sweep the
sidewalk".
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp~~~~~

[Phantom Blooper]

An Army General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge."

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."

[Static_Sky25]

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

[Phantom Blooper]

During WWII, a young man was drafted into the Army. After he'd been in for six months or so, his father got a letter. It said, "I can't tell you where I am for security reasons, but today I shot a polar bear.

A few months later, the old man got another letter. "I can't tell you where I am yet, but today I made love to a hula girl".

Couple of weeks later, the old man got another letter. It said, "I still can't tell you where I am, but today the doctor told me I should have made love to the polar bear and shot the hula girl".
:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

[Phantom Blooper]

A Texas Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion... our wedding night, and we need a wonderful suite."

The clerk winked and asked, "Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Q.) Why does the Easter bunny hide the Easter eggs on Easter morning?


A.) He doesn't want anybody to know he's screwing the chicken! :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.

The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried

Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of
hockey."

St. Peter fainted.....

[Phantom Blooper]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."



Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

[thedrifter]

Buckwheat

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice
red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she
had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can
someone explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her
hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the
day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She
asks for an explanation for this note and little Jack waves his hand to
explain "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams "Who
can explain this?"

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means
"From Us Colored Kids!"

[ssgtt32]

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . . .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do
with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian
Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see
if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut
shop or a motel in the United States.

Just thought you would like to know.
>

[Since1775]

Q.) Why does the Easter bunny hide the Easter eggs on Easter morning?


A.) He doesn't want anybody to know he's screwing the chicken! :banana:
And now there is an egg shortage. This I wanted to post but...

http://www.wantajoke.com/npc/egg_shortage.html

[Ed Palmer]

Save the new Nebraska quarters!!!




Subject: FYI

WASHINGTON,D.C.(AP) -- Hang on to any of the new State
of Nebraska quarters. If you have them, they may be
worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling
all of the Nebraska quarters that are part of its
program featuring quarters from each state. "We are
recalling all the new Nebraska quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack
Shackleford said Monday.

This action is being taken after numerou