View Full Version : Chuckles of the Day...

Pages : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 [62] 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84

Ed Palmer
03-21-06, 02:59 PM
A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he
managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the
point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small
talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a
pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...yousa finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No-oh." Surprised, the
young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed
about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and
again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Yousa finish?" And again,
after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and
softly says, "No-oh."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man
reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and
ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and
asks again,

"Yousa finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "Oh no, I Norwegian."

Phantom Blooper
03-21-06, 08:39 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

03-21-06, 10:19 PM

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed.

Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

03-22-06, 08:01 AM
Brokeback Mountain sets a new precedence in Westerns. This is the first Western where the Good Guys get it in the End.

Phantom Blooper
03-22-06, 01:43 PM
Rumsfeld reported to the President and his Cabinet that, "Three
Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

In horror, the President replied, "Oh, my God!" and he buried his
head in his hands. The entire Cabinet was stunned by Bush's reaction.
Usually George shows no emotion whatsoever to these reports.

Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazilian??" :banana:

03-22-06, 05:34 PM
Female verses Male Poem

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

03-22-06, 06:46 PM

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8 Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for

your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .

e-mail this to someone to make them smile. Its called sanity.

03-22-06, 07:07 PM
Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?

He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.

"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the
power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.
Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in
one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't.

03-23-06, 06:47 AM
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a
10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give
you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike

03-23-06, 12:11 PM
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was r eleased from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

(You'll love this!!!)

God replied:
"I didn't recognize you."

03-23-06, 01:11 PM
SUBJECT: : Chicago Police

Two men were driving through Chicago when they got pulled over by a
Chicago Police Officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window
with his

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in
the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Chicago, son," the officer answered. "When we pull you over
in Chicago, you better have your license ready by the time we get to

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from Wisconsin and didn't
know your laws here."

The officer runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives
the guy his license back.

The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the officer smacks
him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the officer.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you Cheesehead types," the officer says, "two miles
down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that
a**hole would've tried that s**t with me!' "

03-23-06, 01:57 PM
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who
is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and
hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath."Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed
potatoes."Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just
happened.The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later, the
blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again."Sir,
remember me? I'm the blind man.""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll
go get you a dirty fork."The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it
to the blind man.After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."Walking
away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in,
he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.He returns the
following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the
kitchen.He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I
take it to the blind man." Sue complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting."Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."The blind man puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked

Ed Palmer
03-23-06, 03:24 PM
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said
the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'",
was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

Phantom Blooper
03-23-06, 07:38 PM
On their honeymoon, the blond bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Can't, it's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

:banana: :banana:

Whys my banana orange instead of yellow?

Phantom Blooper
03-24-06, 06:13 AM
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she jerks and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"


Ed Palmer
03-24-06, 09:25 AM
This is cute.
Why your coffee taste funny

Be sure to follow directions.

Don't forget to click on "APRI" when you see it!!!



Phantom Blooper
03-24-06, 08:24 PM
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

Phantom Blooper
03-24-06, 08:26 PM
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,"'Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing."

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Phantom Blooper
03-25-06, 07:13 AM
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone UA. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go UA?"

The recruit replied, "Sir,my first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!"

Ed Palmer
03-25-06, 10:25 AM

Crawford, Texas -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

Ed Palmer
03-26-06, 08:47 AM
Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed,
“Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”

Ed Palmer
03-26-06, 11:25 AM
:sick: http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/wedding.htm:sick:

03-26-06, 12:31 PM
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."

The cardinal thought about it and said, "Well the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And during the sermon, as promised, the cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,

"While Senator Kerry's presence was probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. I could never again trust the man after he turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."

The cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

03-26-06, 12:35 PM
Fact or fiction?

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al. Gray, a crusty old "field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into mess halls wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it.
He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Ane, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.")
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye' were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals aroung the ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a refined, big-chested, blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in thier blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm.
She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal. As she drew near him she asked "would you like a pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that ****, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest." His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was taken back! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of attention. Then he said, "I don't eat that **** Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to the position of "parade rest" he went.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say that to her!
The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that Military man who was over all these "soldiers" a little earlier. She spotted General Gray across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in ths left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.
The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant interrupted and told told him what had happened. Confident she was expressing with her body language her rage and indignation.
General Gray wrinkled hid brow, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued, "Hummm.""Which one did you say it was Ma'am?"' the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said.
General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly he looked up, his expression changed to one indicating he had made his decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "well, f**k him! Don't give him any."

03-26-06, 12:36 PM

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She
looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he
said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she
looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said,
"quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron
all day long??" The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."

Phantom Blooper
03-26-06, 06:43 PM
Thought for the day . . .

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. :banana: :banana: :banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-27-06, 03:21 PM
A smart manager of a Fifth Avenue advertising agency called a staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone. The top ten were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. . . This is your winkie on drugs.:banana: :yes:

Phantom Blooper
03-27-06, 09:18 PM
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one
leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.

We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off
and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of
her clothes and completely naked, streaked, as fast as an old lady
can, through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement." :banana:

Ed Palmer
03-28-06, 08:05 AM
Police Tapes

The following "sound bites" were taken off actual police car videos around the
country. There are some pretty funny policemen out there!

14) . "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

13) . "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12) . "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

11) . "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10) . "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9) . "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

8) . "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7) . "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."

6) . "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster

5) . "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4) . "Just how big were those two beers?"

3) . "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2) . "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And the best one . . . . .

1) . "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

Ed Palmer
03-28-06, 09:19 AM
A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

03-28-06, 05:43 PM
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These
Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been
given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Phantom Blooper
03-28-06, 06:04 PM

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.His son translat! ed for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA off! icial accompanying the astronauts said,"Why certainly!" and told an un derling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed ! long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:


Phantom Blooper
03-29-06, 06:05 AM
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, ya'll, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at Bubba's House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

03-30-06, 06:52 AM
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table...in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born (or conceived) on a pool table.
14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

03-30-06, 06:56 AM
Sorry about my last post...Phantom Blooper got here first and I didn't look before posting. Can someone tell me how to delete it.

Ed Palmer
03-30-06, 07:18 AM
Oil change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But .. you know the job was done right!

03-31-06, 11:48 AM
A little military humor
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:


"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"


"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps.

I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training, " I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30, 000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"




"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate, " because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head, " when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"




"I, (make up a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh
bayonets....charge....slash ....dig....burn....blowup....ugh....beer.......... air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....
grenades....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________ Thumb Print

XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks

P.S. Less than 28 hours before Christy is on deck. >_

03-31-06, 03:14 PM
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

- the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

- people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two
fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

- when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering," five guys and two women stand up.

- a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- the choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

- in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last
names in the church directory.

- people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too

- instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

- the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."

- "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

- the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah."

God Bless and don't Y'all fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

04-01-06, 03:14 AM
Naval/Marine Aviator:

On a carrier, the Naval/Marine Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force:

We've all seen Air Force pilots look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the crew chief waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ... well ... you know what.


If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the crew chief a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the crew chief that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

Ed Palmer
04-02-06, 11:02 AM

04-02-06, 04:51 PM
Four macho guys go on a fishing expedition. To save a little money, they rent a small cabin that has only 2 bedrooms. Bill sleeps with Charlie the first night and he came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

The other two ask, "What happened to you?"

Bill says, "That Charlie, he snores so loud, I was kept awake watching him all night. I can't do that another night so one of you has got to do it!" Since Charlie snores so loudly, no one else wants to room with him, but they finally agree to take turns.

The next night is Oscar's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. Oscar declares, "Man, that Charlie shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't wake him! I watched him all night."

The third night is Steve's turn. The next morning Steve comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed." The other two can't believe it. "What happened?" they ask, "How on earth did you sleep with all that racket?"

Steve says, Well, as we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Charlie into bed and kissed him good night. Then he watched ME all night long."

Ed Palmer
04-03-06, 08:45 AM
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.

"I stepped on a rake."

04-03-06, 11:34 AM
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'm not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Ed Palmer
04-03-06, 04:48 PM
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

04-04-06, 12:41 PM
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, the 3-year-old daughter, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

The mother pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again!"

04-04-06, 01:14 PM
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using.. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was The pail and saucer method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

04-04-06, 01:18 PM

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year- old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So.... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

04-04-06, 06:01 PM
42 Things in the Life of an Italian Child

01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every

day for an entire year after a funeral.

02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch

was pronounced "sangwich."

03. Your family dog understood Italian.

04. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your

grandparents and extended family.

05. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50

square feet of yard during a family cookout.

06. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three

meals a day, not seven.

07. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,

capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed

ceiling was absolutely normal. (Wow, that's really Italian!)

08. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every

Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.

09. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and

that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.

14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in


15. You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.

16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.

17. You ate your salad after the main course.

18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

19. Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.

20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your hand.

21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.

24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or


25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

26. You have relatives you don't speak to.

27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.

28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the


29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of

dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.

30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on

plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.

31. You thought that talking loud was normal.

32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed

in their pockets by their relatives.

34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no

matter what their age.

35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.

36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.

37. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father.

38. You called pasta "macaroni".

39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school

40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually meant going out for a cup of

coffee over Zia's house.

41. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and accident was

attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.

42. Those of you who get this...KNOW who to pass it on to! CIAO!

Ed Palmer
04-05-06, 12:16 PM

Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a
bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has
become more Americanized will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy
says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's
for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "F... you, towel-head!"

Ed Palmer
04-06-06, 09:28 AM
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ****ed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a ***** didn't **** out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really ****ed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ****ed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Ed Palmer
04-06-06, 09:56 AM
A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a *****house. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through the screen. The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. "That's not a foot!" she screamed. The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum."

Ed Palmer
04-06-06, 09:58 AM
One Monday Boris is sitting in a bar in Moscow and he kicks over a bottle on the floor. Out pops a Genie and grants Boris 1 wish.

Boris is quite drunk and he makes his wish-- "I Wish I make my own Vodka for life". The wish is granted! Later that night Boris had to go to the mens room for a leak. He looks down and notices that his urine is clear and smells like Vodka!! Boris looks around and no one is there, so

Boris tastes the urine and it is the best Vodka he has ever drank.

He then rushes home and yells "Ludmilla.. Two glasses" He proceeds to unzip his pants and fill the two glasses. "Drink he says!!" Ludmilla thinks Boris is drunk again and laughs. Finally Boris convinces her to
drink and she also agrees that this is the best Vodka she has ever had.

Tuesday Boris comes home from work and yells "Ludmilla.. TWO GLASSES." He proceeds to unzip his pants and fill the two glasses. They drink the Vodka until they are both drunk and pass out.

This happens Wednesday & Thursday.

Finally on Friday Boris comes home from work and yells "Ludmilla.. ONE GLASS!!!" Ludmilla is shocked, she says "What is the matter Boris, have I done something wrong?"


04-06-06, 03:15 PM
Two blondes, Brittney and Lindsey, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Brittney, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Lindsey, who was watching Brittney doing this for
a while, was curious and asked Brittney, "Why are you throwing those
nails away?"

Brittney explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Lindsey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

04-06-06, 03:18 PM
Sven and Ole walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure! Ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

Moments later, Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis," Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and blasts the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head and laments, "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Larson hengliding."

04-06-06, 03:19 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send
him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to
report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have
company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike.....

"A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !! "

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad
called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."

04-07-06, 07:26 AM

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year- old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So.... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

04-07-06, 07:50 AM
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


04-07-06, 07:52 AM
Do Two Jobs At Once!

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


The Dog

04-07-06, 09:12 AM
Italian humor

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her nonna said ..

"Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a young boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that."

"He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna like that too, but don'ta let him do that." "But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do that.

Doing thata willa disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

"Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,

I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"

04-07-06, 04:55 PM

A real good reason to learn a 2nd language -



Ed Palmer
04-08-06, 01:53 PM
2 lawyers

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time...
so... do you think we should well, you know, screw her?"
"Out of what?" asked the other.

04-09-06, 05:33 AM
Oh Yeah!

A 'touchy-feely' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked,
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."

The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil?"

04-09-06, 12:10 PM
Nice one Mama, got to love those snipers!


Phantom Blooper
04-10-06, 06:08 PM
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles.

So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off ! all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles.

The doctor asked, Where?

Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?

Phantom Blooper
04-10-06, 06:09 PM
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for
a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
04-10-06, 06:12 PM
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products
and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left
the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.


Phantom Blooper
04-10-06, 09:16 PM
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they open!":yes: :banana:

Phantom Blooper
04-10-06, 09:29 PM
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.

"Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question, yes or no."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded,"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other."

"I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and
said" How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

Phantom Blooper
04-11-06, 12:26 PM
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, I know dis yo u fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure "I wan.... numba 6 9"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries....... "You wan.... Beef with Brocceri?"

Phantom Blooper
04-11-06, 01:18 PM
Fireman sex!

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.

"The next night he came home from work and yelled, " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.

Ed Palmer
04-11-06, 01:50 PM
Hi honey"
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got
an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,
and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone
down on the table,
run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."

A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well,Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? . . .

Is this 486-5731?"

04-11-06, 04:42 PM
<table border="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr><td> </td> <td align="right">
</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <hr> Pope John Paul finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Marine Staff Sergeant opens the gate and asks, "Wadda you want?"

"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here." The Staff Duty NCO checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning."

They go to an old WW II receiving barracks, 3rd floor, open squad bay. All the bottom bunks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti.

In the back seat of the Jaguar sits a First Sergeant in dress blues, his Silver Master Parachute Wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with a magnificent halo.

This disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Staff Duty NCO's desk and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with 63 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks while this First Sergeant, who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man, is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"

The Staff Duty NCO calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 50 or 60 years, but we ain't never had a First Sergeant before!"

Phantom Blooper
04-11-06, 07:44 PM
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.:banana:

Ed Palmer
04-12-06, 08:21 AM
A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.
Five years go by, and there’s another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, What the hell was that all about??

04-12-06, 01:00 PM
A woman, a fews months after ending an unsettling and abusive relationship, puts an ad in the daily Newspaper for some campanionship. The ad reads as follows...

" I am a 28 year old brunette with a well figured body. I don't ask for much. All I reallly want in life is a man who will love me back. I need a man who won't hit me when he is angry. A man who won't walk out and cheat on me when he is upset. And a man who is well endowed since in my last relationship when he was done I was always left unsatisfied ".

A few days go by and the the doorbell rings. She looks out through the peep-hole and there is no-one there. She turns to walk away when the doorbell rings again. This time she opens the door to see a man there with no arms or legs.

She politely says " Sir, I am not able to buy anything at this time could you please come back at a later date ". Thinking this was the ploite way to turn down any offers that the man might be asking for.

The man replies " Ma'am I'm not here to sell anything. I am here to answer your ad in the Newspaper. "

With this woman steps back and says " Just how do you plan on answering the ad? "

The man says " I have no arms so I can never hit you when I'm angry. I have no legs so I can never walk out and cheat on you when I'm upset. "

The woman smiles " Just how do you plan on pleasing me in the bed then since you can't hold me either? "

The man states " With what do you think I rang the doorbell with? "

04-13-06, 07:53 AM
PSA: Stolen Wallet SCAM, Don't be a victim like me!

Don't be a victim like me. I don't how many of you shop at Home Depot, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of omething that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are putting your shopping in the trunk of your car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their modesty almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start getting intimate with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.


04-13-06, 05:53 PM
Subject: Lawn Mower

Lawn Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
of first; the truck, the car, fishing, golfing. There was always something
more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass", I said, "you might as well sweep the
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp~~~~~

Phantom Blooper
04-13-06, 08:19 PM
An Army General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge."

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."

04-14-06, 02:01 AM

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Phantom Blooper
04-14-06, 07:22 AM
During WWII, a young man was drafted into the Army. After he'd been in for six months or so, his father got a letter. It said, "I can't tell you where I am for security reasons, but today I shot a polar bear.

A few months later, the old man got another letter. "I can't tell you where I am yet, but today I made love to a hula girl".

Couple of weeks later, the old man got another letter. It said, "I still can't tell you where I am, but today the doctor told me I should have made love to the polar bear and shot the hula girl".

Ed Palmer
04-14-06, 03:26 PM
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

Phantom Blooper
04-14-06, 09:52 PM
A Texas Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion... our wedding night, and we need a wonderful suite."

The clerk winked and asked, "Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.:banana:

Phantom Blooper
04-14-06, 10:10 PM
Q.) Why does the Easter bunny hide the Easter eggs on Easter morning?

A.) He doesn't want anybody to know he's screwing the chicken! :banana:

Phantom Blooper
04-15-06, 05:33 AM
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.

The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they

Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ..."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of

St. Peter fainted.....

Phantom Blooper
04-15-06, 08:36 AM
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the
hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

04-15-06, 09:00 AM

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice
red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she
had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can
someone explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her
hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the
day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She
asks for an explanation for this note and little Jack waves his hand to
explain "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams "Who
can explain this?"

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means
"From Us Colored Kids!"

04-15-06, 10:04 AM

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do
with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian
Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see
if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut
shop or a motel in the United States.

Just thought you would like to know.

04-15-06, 10:58 AM
Q.) Why does the Easter bunny hide the Easter eggs on Easter morning?

A.) He doesn't want anybody to know he's screwing the chicken! :banana:
And now there is an egg shortage. This I wanted to post but...


Ed Palmer
04-16-06, 08:17 AM
Save the new Nebraska quarters!!!

Subject: FYI

WASHINGTON,D.C.(AP) -- Hang on to any of the new State
of Nebraska quarters. If you have them, they may be
worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling
all of the Nebraska quarters that are part of its
program featuring quarters from each state. "We are
recalling all the new Nebraska quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack
Shackleford said Monday.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that
the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll
booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices. "The problem lies in the unique
design of the Nebraska quarter, which was created by
an Engineering Graduate from the University of
Nebraska," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct
tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Message to my fellow Nebraskans: Don't be afraid to
laugh now....they say it's good for you!! Have a good

Phantom Blooper
04-17-06, 10:55 AM
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Ed Palmer
04-17-06, 04:59 PM
After watching the latest pronouncement from the
Oval Office, it occurred
to me that President George W. Bush has become
the spiritual leader of a
large part of the United States -- whenever he
appears in public and
starts to say something, millions of Republicans
begin to pray.

Phantom Blooper
04-18-06, 06:03 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
04-18-06, 06:05 AM
There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a
speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call.

Crank, crank, ring, ring..


"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

"I don't understand you, sir."


"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."

"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" And he slams the phone down.

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very
large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam," he said.

The telephone man said, "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone.

Crank, crank, ring, ring...


"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied, "I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

04-18-06, 04:09 PM
Proper Uniform

A Marine General was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."

The General's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."

The General was acquitted. :flag: :usmc: :flag:

Phantom Blooper
04-19-06, 07:31 AM
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."

Phantom Blooper
04-19-06, 07:34 AM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

04-20-06, 12:23 PM
> Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
> back home in Glasgow. There's a little bar called
> McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his
> way for the locals so much that when you buy four
> drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
> "Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red
> Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink
> after you buy the first two."
> "Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back
> home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment
> you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
> then another ... all the drinks you like. Then when
> you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs
> and see that you get laid. All on the house."
> The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the
> Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
> "Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen
> to you?"
> "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
> "But it did happen to me sister plenty of times."

Phantom Blooper
04-22-06, 05:49 PM
A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you

can't even find the Post Office!

Phantom Blooper
04-23-06, 02:01 PM
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most ----- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said

04-25-06, 07:44 AM
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine,
it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The
students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

04-25-06, 08:00 AM
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm! seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

"An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all
comes arunnin'.

"An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell 'Leroy' and all of 'em stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Phantom Blooper
04-25-06, 09:17 PM
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked,"Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes,which is why I came here in the first place."

Phantom Blooper
04-25-06, 09:57 PM
A Nun Is Sitting In Newark Airport, Waiting For Her Flight From New Jersey To Chicago.

She Looks Over In The Corner And Sees One Of Those Weight Machines That Tells Your

Fortune, And Thinks To Herself, "what The Heck, I'll Give It A Try And See What It Tells Me."

She Goes Over To The Machine, Steps Up On The Scale And Puts A Nickel In. Out Comes A Card

That Reads, "you Are A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs And You Are Traveling To Chicago "

The Nun Sits Back Down. She Tells Herself That The Machine Probably Gives The Same Card

To Everyone. The More She Thinks About It, The More Curious She Gets, So She Tries It Again.

She Goes Back To The Machine, Puts Another Nickel In, And Out Comes A Card That, Reads,

"you Are A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs, You Are Going To Chicago And You Are Going To Play A Fiddle."

She Says To Herself, "i Know That's Wrong, I've Never Played A Musical Instrument In My Life."

She Sits Back Down Totally Confused.
From Out Of Nowhere A Cowboy Comes Over And Sits Down, Putting His Fiddle Case In The Seat

Between Them. Without A Second Thought, She Opens The Cowboy's Case, Takes Out The Fiddle,

And Starts Playing Beautiful Music. Surprised At What She Had Just Done, She Looks Over At

The Machine Thinking, "this Is Incredible, I've Got To Try This Again."

Totally Bewildered, Back To The Machine She Goes, Puts In Another Nickel, And Out Comes

Another Card. It Reads, "you Are A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs, You Are Going To Chicago And You

Are Going To Break Wind."

Now She Knows The Machine Is Wrong, As She Thinks To Herself, "i've Never Brokenwind

In Public A Single Time In My Life", But Getting Down Off The Machine She Slips, And As She

Is Straining To Keep Herself From Falling In The Floor, She Breaks Wind. Absolutely Stunned,

She Sits Back Down And Looks At The Machine. She Says To Herself, "this Is Truly Remarkable!

I Have To Try This One More Time."

She Goes Back To The Machine, Puts In Another Nickel, And Another Card Comes Out. It Reads, "you Are

A Nun, You Weigh 128 Lbs, You Have Fiddled And Farted Around And Missed Your Flight To Chicago."

04-26-06, 09:35 AM

Bloop, gotta a word here - 'dick'.:banana:

Excellent, but I'm glad Jerry & Jim have put their foot down, so to speak. Hope they follow through.
Oh yeah, you screwed up and didn't capitalize 5 of the words.:cool:

Sempers ....


04-26-06, 10:04 AM
actually it was 7 words.............as though I don't have anything better to be doing.......................

Phantom Blooper
04-26-06, 04:45 PM
Oh yeah, you screwed up and didn't capitalize 5 of the words. :cool:

actually it was 7 words.............as though I don't have anything better to be doing.......................

Dats otay fellas! My spell chek dont always work on someone elses work. but this is like soooo cooool that you both cheked behind me. I feel like so warm an fuzzy like u no,that feelin u get when some 1 thinks enuff to send the very best! :banana:

04-26-06, 04:47 PM
:yes: :banana: :D

Phantom Blooper
04-26-06, 05:36 PM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th
and is known, of course, as:

Sinko de Mayo.

Phantom Blooper
04-27-06, 07:00 AM
Amy, a Texas girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he assumed was just another ditsy blond, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple -- by the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

As she walks away, she turns her head back over her shoulder & says to the man . "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

04-27-06, 01:32 PM
The Plane Is On Its Way To Houston When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up And Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down. The Flight Attendant Watches Her Do This And Asks To See Her Ticket. She Then Tells The Blonde That She Paid For Economy Class And That She Will Have To Sit In The Back. The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston And I'm Staying Right Here." The Flight Attendant Goes Into The Cockpit And Tells The Pilot And The Co-pilot That There Is A Blonde Sitting In First Class That Belongs In Economy And Won't Move Back To Her Seat. The Co-pilot Goes Back To The Blonde And Tries To Explain That Because She Only Paid For Economy She Will Have To Leave And Return To Her Seat. The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Houston And I'm Staying Right Here." The Co-pilot Tells The Pilot That He Probably Should Have The Police Waiting When They Land To Arrest This Blonde Woman Who Won't Listen To Reason. The Pilot Says, "you Say She Is A Blonde? I'll Handle This I'm Married To A Blonde. I Speak Blonde." He Goes Back To The Blonde And Whispers In Her Ear, And She
Says, "oh, I'm Sorry." And She Gets Up And Goes Back To Her Seat In Economy. The Flight Attendant And Co-pilot Are Amazed And Asked Him What He Said To Make Her Move Without Any Fuss. I Told Her, "first Class Isn't Going To Houston.

Phantom Blooper
04-27-06, 10:13 PM
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened….. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Phantom Blooper
04-28-06, 11:47 AM
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,"Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" " And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

Phantom Blooper
04-29-06, 10:10 AM
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages...

I Love You

Te Amo

Je T'aime

lch Li! ebe Dich

Ai ****e Imasu

Phom rak khun

Ti amo

Wo Ai Ni

Jag Alskar
North Carolina
South Carolina
Virginia West Virginia
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck ! :banana:

Phantom Blooper
04-30-06, 05:53 PM
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the

plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his

Black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why

the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained

that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".

His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:

"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down,

walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next

to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its

seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a

note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,

returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again,

I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down

for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,

jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure

out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that,

so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

05-01-06, 06:36 PM
look at this http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm

This was sent to me by my Lil Sis....





Phantom Blooper
05-04-06, 09:54 PM
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account,
a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only
ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and
build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when
they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's
about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to
his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches
the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him
some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his
thumb and yells, "F**k!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Phantom Blooper
05-06-06, 02:39 PM
An eight-year-old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, trying to be friendly, and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, not laundry. I'm going to wash my dog," said the boy.

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," the grocer said. "It's very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy, but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up.

About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.

"I'm so sorry son. I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog," the grocer said.

"Well," the boy replied. "It wasn't the detergent that killed him."

The grocer was a bit relieved.

"Oh"? "What was it then"? he asked.

"Mom said it was probably the spin cycle

Phantom Blooper
05-06-06, 02:40 PM
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.

She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

Phantom Blooper
05-06-06, 02:42 PM
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community
college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"


"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think
that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I
think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically
you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out
all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and
leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"


"Then you’re a queer."

05-07-06, 06:33 PM
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his bedside.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Becky my darling' he whispered.
'Hush my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.'
He was insistent. 'Becky', he said in his tired voice, 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's nothing to confess,' replyed the weeping Becky, 'Everythings all right now, go back to sleep.'
'No, no, I must die in peace, Becky, I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, even your mother!'
'I know sweetheart,' whispered Becky, 'Now, just lay back, relax and let the poison work.'

05-09-06, 06:12 PM
Oldie but Goodie ....
God and Saint Peter where looking down from the clouds at a lone Marine in a row boat . The Leatherneck was rowing away and singing loudly "FROM THE HALLS OF MONTAZUMA " . God said to Saint Peter " I wonder what would happen if we removed half of that Marine's brain" ? So they snapped their fingers and looked down in amazement at the half brained Marine . There in his boat he was yelling " from the halls of , from the halls of ", over and over.
So God replaced the missing half of his brain and removed the other half . Only this time the marine was yelling "MONTAZUMA , MONTAZUMA ", over and over . God was motivated by this and had to see more , so he removed the Marines whole brain as he looked down from the clouds . Now there is a bald headed guy in a rowboat singing "BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE , IN THE ARRRMMMYYY" ! Semper fi , Leathernecks !!!!!!

Phantom Blooper
05-09-06, 08:49 PM
Punctuation lesson

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
something exciting and tell it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on, walked up to the front of the class with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period", he
replied. "I can see that", said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know" he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Marines."

05-11-06, 01:52 PM
Military Humor

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop.. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a cathouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a cathouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and **** on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"


05-13-06, 04:34 AM
A Priest a Pastor and a Rabbi were all talking about the strength of their faith one day, comparing how each was more faithful than the other…until they decided to go test their faith they would witness to grizzly bears

They left and went into the woods and came upon the bears

A few days later after recovering consciousness in the hospital they began to tell their stories

The Priest who’s arm and leg were in traction began: Well, I started to talk about Mary and Jesus and how they came to save us and how he’d died for us…and the bear didn’t want to hear it, so we wrestled then I threw holy water on him and he settled down and we talked some more for an hour I don’t remember more than that

The Pastor, who’s arms were both broken said: I found a grizzly all right, but he didn’t want to hear about Jesus and his love for us, so I finally wrestled him into the nearby river, and I baptized him.

The Rabbi, laying in bed, covered by a full body cast unable to move more than his lips and blink his eyes started I found the grizzly bear but I don’t think I should have started with circumcision.

Phantom Blooper
05-15-06, 08:47 PM
A new preacher was visiting the homes of members of his Congregation.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no one answered His repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20 on the back and stuck it in the door.

He found that his card had been returned in the offering the Following Sunday.

Added to it was a message, "Genesis 3:10."

He reached for his Bible to check out the citation and broke out in Gales of Laughter because Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock" and Genesis 3:10 reads,

"I heard your voice in the garden And I Was afraid for I was naked."

05-16-06, 06:01 AM
The Sisters Of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

05-16-06, 06:07 AM
Idiots At Work - Chronicles Of Workplace Stupidity


A woman called a travel agent and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" The agent replied, "No, why do you ask?" The timid sounding woman said, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while the agent regained her composure she explained to the woman that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. Makes you wonder if the woman saw the word “terminal” on her luggage if she would have thought she was really sick.


Businesses are only as good as the people they hire. We've all come across people in stores, on the phone or in offices and wondered to ourselves "How did they get hired?" Well, sometimes there's not a lot out there to choose from. A questionnaire was sent out to Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations asking them to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are some of their responses:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.

* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.


In keeping with the "How did they get hired" question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:

* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. "

* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. "

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. "

* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. "

* "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. "


A female employee of Eastman Kodak is suing the company under the Americans With Disabilities Act. The woman claims she suffers from "seasonal affective disorder," a form of depression, and wants Kodak to provide more light where she works - in a photographic darkroom.


We've all heard the expression "there's no such thing as a stupid question" right? Well, see for yourself. Here are some of the answers from a questionnaire sent out to a number of employers asking, "What's the strangest question they've been asked during an interview? "

Among the responses were:

* "What is it that you people do at this company?"

* "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

* "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland? "

* "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

Source: Idiots At Work Book

A rather confused woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, I’m sure," said the client. "What flights to you have?" The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn't come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, "You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. I knew it was a big animal."


A woman had just purchased several items she needed from a department store and was handed the credit card receipt to sign. The cashier noticed that the back of the woman’s credit card wasn't signed and told her she couldn't complete the transaction without a signed card. The woman was slightly confused by this request but complied and signed the back of the card immediately after signing the receipt. The cashier took both the receipt and the card, held them up, and compared the signature. Surprisingly they matched.


The management of Walt Disney World, after two months of negotiation, finally relented and no longer makes the costume character actors share their underwear. Before the final settlement the actors were only allowed to wear Disney provided underwear that were laundered and passed out randomly. The actor complained to management that the underwear was often not clean, smelled bad, had stains and "things have been passed around." Actors will now be allowed to have personal underwear, that Disney will issue, and the employees can take home and launder themselves. Of course this won't affect the character of Donald Duck because, as we know, he doesn’t wear any pants.


A "Whistleblower" is someone who discovers and then reports illegal or unscrupulous activity in the workplace. One vigilant British worker, who obviously had some spare time on his hands or intestinal problems, measured several rolls of toilet paper and found they only had 200 sheets as opposed to the 320 sheets stated in the contract with the supplier. His employer, West Somerset District Council, demanded the vendor wipe the slate clean and was awarded $28,100. The employer's compensation for saving the company nearly $30,000? He was given a few days off. So if the company is ever "rolled" you can be sure who did it.


Disgruntled postal workers turning violent has become so commonplace even the worst stand-up comedians use it in their act. But the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission created the ultimate "punch" line in hiring practices. An article in the Employee Relations Law Journal explains, "Many individuals who become violent toward customers or coworkers suffer from some form of mental disorder. Yet for an employer to be too careful in screening potentially dangerous persons out of the work force is to invite liability for discrimination under the ADA (Americans With Disabilities Act), while to be not careful enough is to invite tragedy and horrendous liability for negligent hire or negligent retention." Damned if you do - damned if you don't - and damned if it isn't just going to get worse.

Phantom Blooper
05-16-06, 08:09 AM
Blonde Logic....

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5 of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" :banana:

05-16-06, 10:47 AM

05-16-06, 11:06 AM
Hey, hey, hey now... That's my wife you are talkin about now.......sheesh

05-16-06, 01:35 PM
Yeah, talking about my girlfriend too but I wouldn't be at all surprised if she did that. LOL.

Ed Palmer
05-17-06, 07:30 AM

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to
> spend the afternoon with him for $500. They did
> their thing, and, before he left, he told her that
> he did not have any cash with him, but he would have
> his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
> calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
> On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
> done, realizing that the whole event had not been
> worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
> check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
> "Dear Madam:
> Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
> apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
> because when I rented the place, I was under the
> impression that:
> #1 - it had never been occupied;
> #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
> #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at
> home.
> However, I found out that it had been previously
> occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it
> was entirely too large."
> Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
> returned the check for $250 with the following note:
> "Dear Sir:
> First, I cannot understand how you could expect a
> beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
> indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
> it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
> space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
> if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
> please do not blame the management.
> Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to
> contact your present landlady."

Ed Palmer
05-17-06, 08:32 AM
Is this a copy of your last fittness report?


05-20-06, 01:36 AM
>The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year
>old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
>Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
>He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
>"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
>A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
>A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he
>called out.
>"Matt's riding a new bike....."
>A few moments later, "It looks like the Sanders are moving"
>"Jason is on his skate board...."
>A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
>Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How
>do you know they are having sex?"
>"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Phantom Blooper
05-21-06, 09:36 AM
Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have
been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stopin."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates."

He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!" :banana:

Ed Palmer
05-23-06, 10:26 AM
Joke Complaint Form
As a service to people who enjoy objecting to jokes on this site, I have produced the following form, to make your lives easier.

Your full name:

Your email address:

Title of Joke you are complaining about:

Please tick all the following that apply:-

1. It was racist / sexist, and I don't know the rules of this site.

It is specifically offensive to:-

Women Men Homosexuals Welshmen Sheep
Canadians Hamsters Charles Darwin Britain's 37 Christians Bear hunters
Michael Jackson

2. I stole it from someone else first, so nyaah.

3. It appeared here two days ago, and I like stating the obvious, even though I know you don't update 'Joke Of The Day' over the weekend.

4. It appeared here 4 years ago, and I am an anal retentive who searched back though the archives for it. Please search the entire archive before you even consider posting something that someone who has been here 4 years might have seen before.

Subclass of objection:

Wording is new, but structure of the joke has been used before.

5. I heard it at school when I was 7, and therefore expect you to know this and not post jokes I know.

6. Not funny enough.

Subclass of objection:-

Joke is too long.

7. The posting claims to be factual, but I don't believe it.

And here is a list of reasons why....

8. Joke is not original.


Author of joke not credited in joke Joke breaches copyright

9. Joke contravenes known laws of physics.

10. I don't object to the joke, I just don't know what ROFL means, and want to display my ignorance.

11. I don't object to the joke, but want to show how clever I am by posting a reference to a 30 year old radio show.

12. Joke does not work when words are pronounced correctly.

13. Joke is obviously from an american source, as shown by spelling.

14. I am a fussy old woman, and wish to object to the following aspects of your joke's format:-

Some or all in capital letters only. Line breaks incorrect, giving a ragged appearance. Nested quote marks left in message.

15. I believe the joke would have been just as funny / unfunny without the offensive language.

16. Joke is not a joke, but an urban myth.

Further comments:

05-23-06, 10:49 AM
Joke Complaint Form
As a service to people who enjoy objecting to jokes on this site, I have produced the following form, to make your lives easier.

5. I heard it at school when I was 7, and therefore expect you to know this and not post jokes I know.

Further comments:

Why is 6 afraid of 7???

Because 7 8 9

Ed Palmer
05-24-06, 11:17 AM
Vampire Limerick
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

Ed Palmer
05-24-06, 11:19 AM
Jose is on his first trip to the United States. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled while filling out the entrance form at the border. The border official looks over Jose's shoulder to see him write 'Once A Week' in the small space labeled, "SEX".

The official explains, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by this question. We're asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

Jose replies. "Either -- it doesn't matter."

05-26-06, 07:09 PM


Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?

Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife..... china doll
2nd wife..... barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and ... Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :

The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

HaVe A NiCe DaY !

05-26-06, 08:23 PM
When my brother, John, joined the Marines about a year ago, friends and family told my mother not to worry, reassuring her that "at least it's during peacetime." On September 11, when terrorists attacked our country, John was stationed in Japan. My mother, upon hearing the news, didn't panic. Instead, she headed to the nearest recruiting office. When a recruiter came to the desk and asked if she needed help, she responded, "Yes -- I need to hug a Marine!"

As a woman in the Marines, I often don't feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job in which I wore dresses and left my hair down. One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn't wait to get home to change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me. My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, "Daddy's home!"

One evening my new husband called to have me pick him up from work. Since I had never been on the military post before, I was a little reluctant, but I agreed to attempt the task. While I drove through the base, a young soldier in his camouflage uniform stepped out onto the street. I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting him, and the screeching tires attracted the attention of a nearby MP. I was in tears as the officer approached my car. "I didn't see him!" I blurted out. " Well, ma'am," the MP remarked, grinning at me, "that's kind of the point."

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, Calif., we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back. "Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked. Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared. The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. "You," he barked. "Carry the radio."

My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears -- one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. "See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy." Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"

While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelopes. One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" (sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled as he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick -- resealed in Seattle."

When my father was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put their belongings in their footlockers, write their last names and first initials on the containers and report back for inspection. A few minutes later, the commanding officer, after having seen my father's locker emblazoned with his last name 'Locke' and his first initial 'R,' furiously bellowed, "Okay, who's the wise guy?"

I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-old daughter sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like this: "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright, Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and mild ..."

Sitting in basic communications training, we were having trouble understanding some concepts of satellite technology. "Come on, guys," the instructor said. "This isn't rocket science. "After an uncomfortable pause, a courageous trainee raised his hand and said, "Sir, I'm no genius, but since we are dealing with launching satellites, I believe this actually is rocket science."

When my son joined the Marine Corps, his cousin was already an Army officer. The two were home on leave at the same time, and had a wonderful time exchanging stories. But after hearing one Marine joke too many, my son finally chastised his cousin with: "Man, haven't you learned what ARMY stands for?" "No, what?" "Ain't Ready for Marines Yet."

I was scolding our pastor for his habit of starting church services five or ten minutes late. I mentioned that in my years with the Marines, when the general scheduled us to deploy at 0700 hours, he didn't mean 0705 or 0710. The pastor smiled at me and said, "My general outranks your general."

After drilling his platoon in the hot sun, the sergeant barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!" The men dispersed, but one rookie stood firm. The sergeant stared as the rookie smiled and said, "There sure were a lot of them, weren't there, Sergeant?

During basic training one lesson stood out from all the others: Keep your mouth shut unless given permission to talk. But I didn't realize how well our instructors had hammered this point home until one evening when we sat down to eat. My table mate started her evening prayer with, "God, request permission to pray."

In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used actually belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash," and to the racks we slept in as "my racks." One time when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?!"

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through the exercise, we realized we had lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 359 that we'll get out of here." "How do you come up with that?" someone asked. "Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

As the commander made his way up front to speak, tension was high. Plans to move the Camp Lejeune Marines north for cold-weather exercises could all be for naught. "General," an officer spoke up, "there's no snow in the forecast." The general called out to a member of his battle staff. "Chaplain, I believe that's your department." "With all due respect, sir," said the chaplain, "I'm in sales, not production."

As a benefits specialist in the Marines, I traveled around delivering lectures on life insurance. After listening to a dozen of these talks, the corporal who drove me from base to base insisted he knew my entire spiel by heart. "Prove it," I said. So at the next base the corporal delivered the speech. As he ended his flawless performance, a Marine asked, "What do I pay for insurance after I leave the Corps?" My driver froze. Was the jig up? Would ignorance of the facts force him to crumble? Not my corporal! "Marine," he said sternly, as he pointed to me, "that is such a dumb question that I am going to let my driver answer it."

While in Marine Corps boot camp, we were taught to keep our heads if taken prisoner by the enemy. After all, methods used to extract information, we learned, might not be the ones we were expecting. "Imagine that the door to your cell opens and in walks a beautiful young woman in a revealing outfit," said our instructor. "The best thing to do is not to touch her." From the back of the room came the question, "Sir, what's the second best thing?"

After enlisting in the Navy, a friend of mine found himself in basic training learning about firearms. He was aided by a sticker on his rifle with an arrow pointed toward the barrel. It read: "Point This End at Enemy."

Our sergeant major was dimmer than a dying lightning bug. One day, I found a set of dog tags with his name on them in the shower. So, of course, I returned them. "Wow!" he said. "How'd you know they were mine?"

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was.Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

On the wall of the mess hall of one Marine Corps base: "This food must be good. Ten thousand flies can't be wrong!"

05-27-06, 06:02 PM
Jokes You Can Tell in Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
__________________________________________________ ____

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
__________________________________________________ _____

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four people to collect all the money!"
__________________________________________________ _____

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
__________________________________________________ _____

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
__________________________________________________ _____

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
__________________________________________________ ____

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
__________________________________________________ _____
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Michael seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Michael, what's the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going
to have a wife."
__________________________________________________ _____
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

05-27-06, 11:03 PM
Date: 2006-05-26, 8:14PM

I have a nice 101 piece mechanics tool set in a case (wrenches, sockets, etc.) that I will trade for a nice looking girl who looks good in jeans and a swim suite and is between the ages of 22-40. If she can cook, I'll throw in a skill saw. If she can clean, I'll include a cordless drill.

Phantom Blooper
05-29-06, 08:04 AM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which need to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the San Diego zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

Phantom Blooper
05-29-06, 11:56 AM
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
05-31-06, 08:10 AM
Can you believe it??!!!!

Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.

It seems like only yesterday she was
crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast.

Phantom Blooper
05-31-06, 08:34 AM
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he,with just two worms."

Phantom Blooper
06-03-06, 07:01 AM
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!I've
won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry,
butyou're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have
that as a prize."

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"

06-06-06, 03:24 PM
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr><td colspan="2">Young Marine, In the Rain, Trying to light his cigarette, a little bit "sloshed"… Up walks another man, the Marine says, "Hey Buddy, Do you have a light?" Sure says the man. When he lights up his lighter, the Young Marine sees a General’s Stars, on the Shoulder of the Man, Quickly he "Snaps To" & Says, I'm sorry Sir, and I didn't know you were a General". That's OK Son, says the General, "Just be thankful I wasn't a 2nd Lt". With that, he lit the Marines Cigarette, returned his snappy salute & walked on down the street to his waiting limo.
</td> </tr> <tr><td colspan="2"> </td></tr> <tr><td colspan="2"> </td></tr></tbody> </table>

06-06-06, 05:38 PM
A San Francisco policemen knocks on Mr. Jones' front door.
Mr. Jones answers the door and asks him what business does he have with him. He mentions that he has bad news, good news and great news for him and he ask him which he would like to hear first. Mr. Jones chooses the bad news first. The policeman mentions that the bad news is that his wife, Mrs. Jones, was found on the bottom of San Francisco Bay. What's the good news asks Mr. Jones? The good news, the policeman mentions, is the fact that when his wife was pulled up from the watery depths there were two five pound lobsters and ten very edible crabs attached to her.
Mr. Jones then replies, Two lobsters, ten edible crabs attached to her? What the hellll is the great news? The policeman replies, The great news is that we are going to pull her up again tomorrow.

06-09-06, 07:36 AM
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."

They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"

The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

06-09-06, 07:37 AM
Diane,here's a good bar joke

Ed Palmer
06-09-06, 08:56 AM
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. He says to St. Peter... "I have a question that has haunted me all of my days on earth... Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter says, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asks, "God, please, I must know -- am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

When the zebra returns to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "Well, did God answer your query for you?"

The zebra said, "Not exactly... God simply said ' You are what you are'."

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well, that answers the question -- you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," replied St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said 'You is what you is'."

06-10-06, 02:47 AM
Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him up
quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now.
Speak Spanish."

06-10-06, 06:19 AM
ROFLMBO, Good one mama !! whats the lowdown with that Marine in the making ?

06-10-06, 10:16 PM
A man became lost in a hot air balloon and dropped down in altitude to figure out where he was. Finally, he was low enough to spot and talk to a man on the ground.

As he drifted close to the man on the ground, he yelled: "Do you know where I am?"

The man on the ground yelled back: "yes, you are about 30 feet in the air and drifting west about 5 mph.

Balloonist: "You must work in tech support."

Man on ground (MOG): "Yes, how did you know?"

Balloonist: "You provided a technically correct answer that was of ABSOLUTELY no help!"

MOG: "You must be an executive!"

Balloonist: "Yes, how did you know?"

MOG "You have no clue where you are or where you are going and want to blame someone else because you are lost and clueless."

Haven't heard anything since her "I'm here safe" call last Monday night...sitting on pins and needles to hear though...
<!-- THE POST -->

06-10-06, 10:43 PM
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with
asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement

God Bless all that help.

06-11-06, 07:40 AM

06-11-06, 04:17 PM
That was priceless Criggle. Gave me a well needed laugh.


Phantom Blooper
06-14-06, 07:12 PM
I just heard on the news that President George W. Bush said in order to thwart the spread of bird flu into the United States he is ordering the immediate bombing of the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next!

06-15-06, 04:44 PM
That Was A GOOD ONE!
Where did you hear it?


Phantom Blooper
06-16-06, 03:42 AM
<TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>Once upon a time there lived a king.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!

</TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle></TD></TR><TR><TD></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>
But there was a problem

</TD><TD align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal,
wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men
were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and
magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one
thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

</TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle></TD></TR><TR><TD></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a
competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and
inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took
up the challenge. The first prince brought a very
hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

</TD><TD align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle></TD><TD align=middle>The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that
diamond is the hardest substance in the world and surely,
it would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in
there." The princess did as she was told, though she
turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in
her hand. And it did not melt!!!

</TD><TD align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE cellSpacing=1 align=center border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived
happily ever after.

</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>But The Question Is :
What was the object in the prince's pants?

</TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle></TD></TR><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>( scroll down )

</TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>

</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle></TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>They were M&M's of course!
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

</TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>http://www.emusing.com/imgs/page_imgs/images/mm.gif </TD></TR><TR><TD align=middle>What were U thinking ????


06-16-06, 03:49 AM

06-17-06, 02:35 AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking decidedly unhappy, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT question!"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

06-17-06, 02:39 AM
Things to Do in an Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap
him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push
the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if
they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend.
After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's
your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up,
then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets
on, ask if he has an appointment.
9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would
like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
him if he can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's
okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in
horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the
other passengers.
22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and
then announce, "I have new socks on."
25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and
announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal

06-17-06, 03:07 AM
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

06-17-06, 03:08 AM
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

06-17-06, 03:26 AM
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

06-17-06, 03:38 AM
ALL very good ones MAMA!! :D

06-17-06, 04:00 AM
A man goes bear hunting, he treks thru the forrest over the hills, thru the medows until he comes across a big ole bear by a berrie bush, the hunter was worried the bear might have heard him but to his amazement the bear kept right along eating berries from the berrie bush, the hunter takes aim and shoots, after the smoke cleared and he got his focus back he looks to see the bear he had just killed so he goes over to that bush but to his surprise theres no bear. The hunter scratches his head and just couldnt believe he missed when all the sudden theres a tap on his shoulder, he twirls around to only be looking into the eye of the bear, The bear asks the hunter, were you trying to kill me to which the hunter replys, errr aaahhh yes,yes I was. Well the bear says to the hunter,you have 2 choices, you can drop your pants and bend over so as I can fuq you or I could eat you. Well the hunter didnt want to be eaten so he drops his pants and lets the bear proceed to give him a good pounding, after the bear was done he leaves so the hunter pulls up his pants and heads to town to go find a sporting goods store so he could buy a high power rifle, after his purchase he heads back thru the forrest, over the hills and thru the valley when all the sudden he stumbles upon that same bear by the berrie bush, he carefully takes aim when kaboom, after the smoke clears and the leaves stop falling he heads to the berrie bush knowing darn good and well he killed that bear but to his amazement there was no bear. All the sudden there was a tap on his shoulder so he spins around to have that damn bear staring him in the eye, the bear asks, were you trying to kill me again, the hunter says you damn right for what you did to me, the bear says well you have them same 2 choices, you can drop your pants and bend over so I can fuq you or you can be eaten alive, to which the hunter drops his pants ,bends over and takes a good thrashen from the bear. The bear finishes and leaves a humilated hunter with a sore behind. This hunter is livid by the time he gets back to the sporting goods and he asks the owner, I want the biggest weapon you got to which the store owner says, well I have this cannon here so the hunter buys it. He pushes and pulls that cannon thru ther forrest,up the hills and thru the valley to go destroy that bear. All the sudden he spots that beaR who has humiliated and violated him, he lites the fuse and a god aweful expolsion insuses,after 5 mins of the smoke to clear he looks over by the berrie bush only 2 see leaves falling and no berrie bush, nothing but a big ole hole. The hunter is estatic knowing he finally killed that big ole bear.To his utter amazement theres a tap on his shoulder but before the bear could ask him those same 2 ?'s the hunter drops his pants and bends over, the bear grabs him by his hips and viciously fuqs him but then to his surprise he feels another tap on his shoulder, while holding his ankles he turns his head and looks up to hear the bear say, "YOUR NOT IN THIS FOR THE HUNT ANYMORE ARE YOU ?"

06-17-06, 04:21 AM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

06-20-06, 07:44 AM
Murphy's Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

06-20-06, 07:44 AM
Travel Agent Stories

These are actual stories from travel agents about their moronic customers...

Someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (probably blonde)

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to Save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know Which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

06-20-06, 07:45 AM
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

06-20-06, 07:45 AM
Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!

06-20-06, 08:03 AM
This will explain your responsibilities for guest workers. Please read
carefully. Then post in a prominent place to avoid possible law suits.

Since hearing the plan for treating illegal immigrants as "guest" workers,
I now have undergone a complete reversal in my under standing of the
proper meaning of words. I stupidly believed the definition of "guest" is
one who is invited. Now I'm told this is no longer correct.

For instance, if a burglar breaks into my home, he really becomes a guest
who is only looking for a better life. Because he broke in for that
reason, I must accept the obligation to provide him with living quarters,
health care, education, and transportation. He has as much "right" to my
house as I do, but I have to pay taxes - he doesn't
because the government doesn't really know he is a "guest" in my house and
I am not allowed to turn him in. He will get preferential treatment
because he is a "guest" in my house, yet I can not say anything against
him. If I do vocalize my feelings, I must attend "sensitivity" training
because I just don't understand how to accept my "guest" and his
customs/religion/culture, etc. I am also required to learn his language so
that we may communicate. It is not necessary for him to learn mine -
because he is a "guest" in my house. I am not allowed to wave my flag, but
he may fly or wave his flag anywhere he chooses, because he is my "guest".
I am required to subsidize his family and provide for his family's needs.
When I get paid, I must give a portion of it to him in the form of welfare
and food stamps so he can get his food and supplies free and at reduced
prices. Because any money he makes is all his, he can buy the luxuries for
his family that I can not afford for my family, but I have to be ok with
that because he is now a resident in my house.

I feel SO much better - now that I understand!


"This is so close to the truth the way things have changed in this country
that it is downright disgusting!!"

:mad: :mad: :mad:

Phantom Blooper
06-23-06, 10:41 PM
Are ye baptized?

Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure" said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, .....because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk all of You in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, .....because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,

"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking,

"Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're ****copailians.:banana:


06-24-06, 02:01 AM

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S is


(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

per year are


(C) Accidental deaths per physician



Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health Human Services.


Now think about this:


(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.



(YES, that's 80 Million)


(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups,




(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner



Statistics courtesy of FBI


So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.


Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."






Please alert your friends

to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


Out of concern for the public at large,

I have withheld the statistics on


for fear the shock would cause

people to panic and seek medical attention

06-26-06, 06:12 AM
Cockporn - I Mean Popcorn

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

06-26-06, 06:12 AM
Drug Used to Seduce Men

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

06-26-06, 06:13 AM
You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

06-26-06, 06:13 AM
Ha, The Joke's On You

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

06-26-06, 06:16 AM
Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

06-26-06, 06:39 AM
Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake
fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I
think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

06-26-06, 07:02 AM
What do you call two
Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Phantom Blooper
06-27-06, 06:44 AM
A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: "Have you any

Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Polish Man: "It made of concrete."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"

Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."

Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"

Polish Man: "No, she white."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"

Polish Man: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?" Polish Man: "I got proof.

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover.":banana:

06-28-06, 12:36 PM
Always take the time to say something positive!

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Phantom Blooper
06-28-06, 03:34 PM
I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,

he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment,

I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,

like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a ****?" :banana:

Phantom Blooper
06-29-06, 06:17 AM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher
and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street,the
one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair
of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said,
"Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said "A Doberman?" and the woman said,
"yes they are using them now. They are very good."

So, the bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a
Seeing-Eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "What the heck", so
she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman
said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f---ing
Chihuahua?????!!! :banana:

06-29-06, 02:15 PM

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch
the game before helping around the house.

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end
in "Fine"

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"

This is one of the most dangerous statement s that a woman can make
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender .

For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.

But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

07-02-06, 07:35 AM
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."

07-02-06, 07:41 AM
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Phantom Blooper
07-02-06, 03:25 PM
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man
here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand
down on the counter and bellowed " Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do
you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!":banana:

07-02-06, 04:04 PM
Situational awareness

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling
at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(After you have discussed possible options and made your decision please
scroll down for the solution.)


Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk!
:banana: :p

Phantom Blooper
07-02-06, 10:03 PM
Taking a wee break from the Ballynanty golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant named Patrick greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

"Top o'the mornin to ye".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, boss ?" asks Patrick.

"They're called tees," Replies Tiger.

"And what would ye be usin 'em for, now?" inquires Patrick.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims Patrick,

"Them fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

Phantom Blooper
07-03-06, 04:53 PM
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-06-06, 05:51 AM
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts
of how he was going to, after the worship
service, ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was sick and a substitute
had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play
after I make the announcement about the

During the service, the minister paused and
said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great
difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much
as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more,
please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the
regular organist!

Phantom Blooper
07-06-06, 04:14 PM
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a Patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him,"Kevin, What are you doing?"

Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"

Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse,"I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago.":banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-07-06, 02:27 PM
One night a group of surgeons at a convention in California were all talking while having a drink at their ritzy hotel. During the course of their conversation the topic came up of what they thought was the best and easiest type of patient to work on.

The first surgeon from New York said "I like to see accountant on my operating table because everything inside them is numbered and that makes for a pretty simple case."

The second surgeon from Chicago responded "If you think that is easy you should try electricians everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon from Dallas said " I think librarians are my favorite because everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon from LA chimed in " you know I prefer construction workers and mechanics because they always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The last surgeon from Washington DC shut the rest of them up when he said " If you want easy you can't beat a politician. They are the easiest to work on because there are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brain, no spine and best of all the ass and head are interchangeable." :banana:

07-08-06, 02:09 AM
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He arrives at the Pearly Gates,
are closed, and is met by St. Peter himself.
"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.” St. Peter says. “We
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up
fast, and we've set an entrance examination for everyone. The test is
but you have to pass it before you can go to Heaven."
"It shor is good to be here, St. Peter sir,” Forrest replies. “But
ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope that test ain't too
life was a big enough test as it is."
"Yes, I know, Forrest,” St. Peter goes on, “but the test is only three
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
St. Peter who waves him up.
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,” he says,
me your answers."
Forrest replies, "Well, the first one: which two days in the week begin
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint's eyes open wide.
"Forrest,” he exclaims, “that's not what I was thinking, but you do
have a
point, and I guess I didn't specify. So I'll give you credit for that
answer. How about the nextone? How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about
that and
I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
"Shucks,” says Forrest. “There's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
March 2nd. . ."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,
and I
see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third
final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”
"Sure," Forrest replies, "its Andy."
"Andy?" exclaims an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first
of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replies. “I learnt
from the song. . . 'Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells
me I
am his own. . .'
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says: "Run, Forrest, run."

Phantom Blooper
07-08-06, 12:45 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked
more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." :banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-08-06, 06:18 PM
<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">A man goes to a barber for a trim and a shave.

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.

"Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side."

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.

"Wow!" exclaims the man, "that is great!"

He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks,

"Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?"

The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else!

</TD></TR><TR><TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

07-11-06, 06:52 AM
YES....still yet another blonde joke

Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar
in a tavern.

The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."

The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"

She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."

The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a

Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"

She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and
Coke, Duh!"

The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".
The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what
this means.

The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course,
its a seven and seven, Duh!"

Phantom Blooper
07-11-06, 08:16 AM







07-12-06, 09:30 AM
We are finally coming to BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part:
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
More routine:
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Happy BBQ Season to thoughtful men everywhere

Given to me by Hubby...:p

Phantom Blooper
07-12-06, 02:31 PM
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK and the surgeon decided to leave the bullets In because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room In tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son! walked into the! room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.":banana:


Phantom Blooper
07-13-06, 05:17 PM
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside
of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes
walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women
have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bit.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.

One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for
a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa,
she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth
down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have
teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries.

She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says,


I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!

Phantom Blooper
07-14-06, 03:55 PM
The Naked Cowboy


A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, a handkerchief, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up he asks,Why in the world are you dressed like this?

The cowboy replies, Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her and I did. http://www.superlaugh.com/1/cowboy2.gif

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did...
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did...

Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...


So Here I Am!

07-14-06, 05:34 PM
The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest interrupts him and asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Me boy.....cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. Then try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest crosses his arms, repeats some of the phrases the old priest had suggested, smiles, and begins to nod his approval when the old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's bit better than slapping yer knee and saying 'No ****! What happened next?"

07-16-06, 12:57 AM
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Phantom Blooper
07-16-06, 08:44 PM







07-17-06, 10:15 PM
Ted Nugent was recently being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to $crew next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way." :marine:

Phantom Blooper
07-17-06, 10:43 PM
The Pastor' Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The
pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor
to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.:banana:

Phantom Blooper
07-18-06, 09:04 PM
My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

07-19-06, 07:43 AM

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for
getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the
following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and
it say, 'Polish Remover'."

07-19-06, 07:44 AM
midlife crisis

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...............

07-20-06, 01:47 PM
Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to Wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? "

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

"Did you call for me? " says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer.

It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist,

"May I help you? " she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." But, Sir, " she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.

I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.

Phantom Blooper
07-22-06, 05:02 AM
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll
come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought
something from you today?

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing.':banana:

07-22-06, 07:35 AM
Disorder in the court

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts." They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who endured the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

07-22-06, 07:35 AM
True Story

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."


07-22-06, 07:36 AM
Wrong e-mail address

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

07-22-06, 07:37 AM
You need a good laugh!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "******* it! They cant;t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

07-22-06, 07:37 AM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?

07-23-06, 04:53 PM
A jet is coming into RDU Airport on its final

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into Raleigh/Durham. I want to thank you
for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in
he forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the
cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha
gonna do in Raleigh/Durham?"

Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the
hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with
the huge boobs
out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her
back to my room, and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the
plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit
turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag
and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry,
dear. He's gotta take a **** first."

Stanley Hroszow
07-23-06, 06:12 PM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He
replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on
the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called
him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very
strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will
explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home,
read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated
the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and
meatballs, two without


http://www.thefew.com/images/toons/qualifying.jpg Very Good

07-26-06, 04:31 PM
LMAO!!! Good One!

07-27-06, 12:32 AM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Southeast Oklahoma.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was
doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, ''This is my property and you are not coming over
here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Southeast Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like this
with the ''Three Kick Rule." The lawyer
asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I
kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and
forth until someone gives up. The attorney quickly thought about the
proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer s-l-o-w-l-y climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his
rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my
[I love this part...]
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"!!!!!!

07-27-06, 03:18 AM
MAYBE.... I shouldn't tell these young Marines, that you can remove the fuse assembly of a CS grenade and replace it with a pressure switch...

MAYBE...I shouldn't tell them, that they should duct tape it to the inside of the bowl of a porta-john, and JUST rest the seat on top of the switch.

MAYBE...I shouldn't tell them this...but it was the only Article 15 I ever got and WAS worth it....

Just saying , I shouldn't suggest doing it, or going to Home Depot to get the good duct tape.....


07-28-06, 08:01 AM
Finally A Male Blonde Joke

A Blonde Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom. He Rushes Upstairs To Finds His Wife Naked On The Bed, Sweating And Panting.

"what's Up?" He Says.

I'm Having A Heart Attack," Cries The Woman.
He Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As He's Dialing, His 4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says "daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's Hiding In Your Closet And He's Got No Clothes On!"

The Guy Slams The Phone Down And Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past His Screaming Wife, And Rips Open The Wardrobe Door.

Sure Enough,there Is His Brother, Totally Naked, Cowering On The Closet Floor "you Rotten S.o.b.," Says The Husband, "my Wife's Having A Heart Attack And You're Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids!"

07-29-06, 07:56 AM
Job Descriptions

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

07-29-06, 07:56 AM
Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,


07-29-06, 07:57 AM
Golf Caddy Comments

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

07-29-06, 07:57 AM
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

07-29-06, 07:58 AM
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

07-29-06, 07:58 AM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

07-29-06, 07:58 AM
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Phantom Blooper
07-31-06, 08:35 PM
Marine Monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet store and began looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local Air Station walked in and said to the pet shopkeeper, "I'll take one of your 6114 Monkies please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Gunny, saying, "That'll be $1,000."

The Gunny paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The pet shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 Monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PFT, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of SDO with no mistakes. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the O & I and Depot level and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed." replied the pet shopkeeper."

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"

"Well," the pet shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, play golf and play with his dick but his papers say he's a pilot."

Phantom Blooper
08-01-06, 08:57 PM
This paper was turned in by an Oakland High school student who received the highest honors at the school district’s Ebonics translation competition.

Assignment: Please translate the following Rap song lyrics from Ebonics to standard English.

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.

Album: Ready to Die

Song: One more chance (remix)



First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money

Those the ones I like ‘cause they don’t get nathan’

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks


As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.


And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi

Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee

As I lay down laws like I lay carpet

Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit


I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.


Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns - get it

Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it

In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia

I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya

I’m clockin’ ya - Versace shades watchin’ ya

Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin


Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.


First I talk about how I dress and this

And diamond necklaces - stretch Lexuses

The sex is just immaculate from the back I get

Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the

Climax that your man can’t make

Call and tell him you’ll be home real late

Let’s sing the break


I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.


She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long

Thought he worked his until I handled my biz

There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans

Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan

Schemin’ - don’t bring your girl ‘round me

True player for real, ask Puff Daddy


Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.


You - ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel

Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel

Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell

She beeped me, meet me at twelve


Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.


Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?

While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke

Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke

Death stroke - tongue all down her throat

Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you

I’m through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?


You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.


So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?

We can cruise the world with pearls

Gator boots for girls

The envy of all women, crushed linen

Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em

The finest women I love with a passion

Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’


The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.


High fashion - flyin’ into all states.

Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.

Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.

Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.

Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.

I’m not only the client, I’m the player president


You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

Phantom Blooper
08-02-06, 04:37 PM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!":banana:

08-02-06, 07:35 PM
Uh Oh !!

A little cowboy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's Legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, the little cowboy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
The little cowboy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom."

08-04-06, 06:49 AM
A Canadian

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call
on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear &
orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he
announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian an

baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,

but the Canadian just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks.

Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says
"Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big
he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he
weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened?

He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian,

wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

08-05-06, 08:13 AM
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

08-05-06, 08:14 AM
Inanimate Gender

Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!

08-05-06, 08:14 AM
Fathers of Today

This is all about comparing fathers of times past, and the fathers of today...

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

08-05-06, 08:15 AM
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

08-05-06, 08:16 AM
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

08-05-06, 08:18 AM
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Phantom Blooper
08-06-06, 07:55 AM
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya' see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes, sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes, sir What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied..............

"From the floor ma'am.......From the floor."

08-08-06, 05:26 PM
A Marine was attending some college courses between assignments.
He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there,
silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking
on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked
at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an
*******. So, He sent me."

Phantom Blooper
08-09-06, 03:14 PM
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris.

They were hardly speaking to each other.

After being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK

The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "

He said, "She'll have a Salad." :banana: