Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . . .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

Just thought you would like to know.

[Ed Palmer]

A man was in a long line at Target.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to
get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have
some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold
of him and called over the intercom,



"One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like
most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the
register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get
condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register
for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,



"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought
what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any
type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this
was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed
some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then
picked up the intercom and said...



"Cleanup, Register 5"

[Phantom Blooper]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him
to death with the chair."

[Phantom Blooper]

Top Country Songs of 2005

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed my Ass All Day

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few -- mainly Southern Belles that Have Been Rung Once Too Often.

[ringoffire]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.



"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."



"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"



"Yes, I do." said Bob.



"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"



"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."



"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"



"She just died and left me everything."





(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

[BOOGIEMAN44]

Three guys, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and
an American engineer are working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes",

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,

and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever

fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was

forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said,

"I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no

infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge

wall around those countries..

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell

me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet

thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[yellowwing]

My Grand Dad and Great Granny

Granny was always getting my Grand Dad to check the house when ever he dropped her off after visiting. "And be sure to check under the bed!" she would ALWAYS admonish him.

One Sunday afternoon Grand Dad did not come back to the car. Granny started fidgeting and really began to worry what happened.

She stuck her courage and proceeded into her little house. No Grand Dad in the living room or kitchen. No Grand Dad in the pantry or back porch.

She finally faced her dearest dread and went in to her bedroom. Nothing obvious greeted her.

But her little ole heart started thumping away when she approached her bed. The over sized quilt neatly covered the crawl~space under her bed.

None the less she gulped a breath and approached her privatest of domains.

Finally when her skin was crawling, she bolted up the quilt!

And to her horror a large hand reached out to grab her small bones!

"AAAAGGHHHH!!!!" she cried out!

Grand Dad laughed like hell from under the bed!

"What in the Sam Hell are you doing under there?" she exasperated?

Grand Dad chuckled, "Well, you kept on talking about it, I thought you WANTED a man under your bed!" :banana:

P.S. Grand Dad never played that trick on his wife, my Grandmother. Grandmother had a .38 Super in her bedside table!

[Phantom Blooper]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be

found by posing the following question:



"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small

children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around

the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,

raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40,

and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you

and your family."



What do you do?



*********************
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the

man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would

inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What

about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the

knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does

the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a

loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society

and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to

wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get

away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this

street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make

this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is

all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and

try to come to a consensus.



.

***********************
Republican's Answer:


BANG!

***********************
Southern Republican's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips

or Hollow Points?

Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Phantom Blooper]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. ! My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

[Ed Palmer]

Rising Gasoline Prises Cut Into Area Mans Beer Money
By Mark Motz


Drain, drain, drain, drain, It all goes down the drain!

QUANDRY, OK - Quandry, Oklahoma resident Bud Conteen laments "a serious reduction in funds available for beer" due to high gasoline prices at his local BP gas station.

"This is bull****. I drive about 20 miles a day to and from work, so with the weekends figured in, that's about 500 miles a month. My Ford Ranger pickup gets about 20 miles to the gallon, so with gas at $2.50 a gallon like it is now, I'm spending somewhere around 63 bucks a month on gas. Back in gasolines heyday, it was around $1.50 a gallon, which means I was spending about $38 a month, a difference of $25, or $6.25 a week less."

In Conteen's case, that $6.25 a week translates into a six pack of premium beer, a bag of hot salsa Doritos, and a "Lucky Lindy" Oklahoma state instant lottery ticket.

"I've had to make some major lifestyle changes. I've had to switch over to crappy low-grade brands, like Old Milwaukee or Schaefers, no way around it. If I buy generic corn chips, and eliminate the lottery tickets, I can cut that figure in half, and still satisfy a tiny fraction of my daily alcohol quota, albeit in the form of an inferior brew. This is pure hell, I tell you, and it's high time that someone in Washington did something about it, posthaste!"

Conteen also fitfully pondered reductions in his $7 dollar a day gourmet deliwhich large roast beef sub stop at the local Speedway Primo Shoppe, $20 toward twice a week pizza parties at work, and $200 a month toward some "really kick-ass Kona bud."

[yellowwing]

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San FranciscoCable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired

by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

[Ed Palmer]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[Ed Palmer]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

[Ed Palmer]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[Ed Palmer]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuxck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[Ed Palmer]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[Ed Palmer]

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fuxcking fence wasn't electrified."

[Gatlink]

This guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders the strongest thing they have. The bartender serves it to him and the guy chugs it down. He slams the glass down on the bar and asks for another one. The bartender looks at him and says, "Something wrong, buddy?" Guy says, "I just came home from a business trip and found my wife in bed with my best friend." The bartender says, "Gee, buddy. That's harsh. What'd you do?" "Well, first I called my wife a ***** and threw her out of my house." The bartender says, "What about your best friend?" The guy replies, "I looked him square in the eye and said 'bad dog'."

[Ed Palmer]

Roe Vs. Wade

The Governor of Louisiana was recently asked about her position on Roe Vs. Wade.

she said she really didn't care how people got out of the city.

[Phantom Blooper]

One morning a kindergarten Teacher said to her class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $5 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew." The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and
I'll give you the $5."

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know,
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business
is business."

[BOOGIEMAN44]

At the Lexus Dealership............


A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked,
Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price

[Ed Palmer]

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as
he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came
strutting into the dining room,
lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an
enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits,
whereas his young wife, who came into
the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice
so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their
room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure
it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look
like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up
for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

[BOOGIEMAN44]

AIR LINES, YA GOTTA LOVE THEM !!



Airline cabin announcements
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
> real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
> find a seat and get in it!"
>
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "L! adies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have.
>
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
> of this airplane"
>
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella. W HOA!"
>
> 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
> as hell everything has shifted."
>
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
> to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
> and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
> know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> unsupervised."
>
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab! the mask, and pull it over your face. If
> you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
> with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
> favorite."
>
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
> ! Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
> bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
> really havi! ng to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
> your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
> of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
>
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
> required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
> smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
> light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
> eye, thinking that som! eone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
> had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
> pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
> down?"
>
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
> to the terminal."
>
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
> urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
> you'll think of US Airways."
>
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
> to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
> light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
> is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
> sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
> minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen, I am so sor! ry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
> you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
> "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
>

[Future-USMC-LT]

On a Southwest flight I was on coming back from San Diego after my graduation from MCRDSD: "It is a felony to damage the smoke detection equipment in the lavatories. If we do catch you smoking, we are going to ask you to step out on the wing to see our movie "Gone With the Wind".

[Ed Palmer]

Why The Hell Is The Dog Getting Laid More Than Me? -


Simply put it’s because animals don’t complicate sex with feelings. Animals don’t “go out for a drink or dinner or whatever”. Animals don’t have a “litany of reasons why they have not gotten out in a very long time”. Animals don’t say things like “Please be under 40, single, good looking, professional or at least well read, D/D free, and available Saturday night.” And animals don’t say “YOU HAVE TO SEND ME A PIC!”

When an animal is hungry they eat. They don’t care much what they eat. Some dogs will eat themselves sick and will eat poisonous things too. When an animal is thirsty they drink. Again, not too much thought goes into satisfying this need. When an animal is in heat they mate. No talking, no dinner and a movie, no nice car, no nice shoes. They give off a pheromone scent and howl to let others know they’re ready.

If you’re truly a good-looking woman, who’s busty, professional, with a big butt, and up for almost anything then the fault is yours alone. I’d do you, and most of my friends would do you too.
But being a girl is so very hard. You want to get laid, but you complicate things with history and emotion. If you make him shower and make him wear a condom you have eliminated 95% of the threat to yourself. If you carry a gun or a serrated knife then you’ve cut the remaining threat 5% down to 2%.
So there you are, 98% sure he’s safe enough to screw. And statistically speaking, most guys are clean and most guys are safe. Just like most guys’ just want to screw. We like women who like us. If you give it to us we’ll gratefully take it.

So what’s stopping you? You’re a girl. You have to talk to him. Have to. Genetic compulsion. If you don’t talk to him then you’d be a guy. Guys don’t talk to the hamburger they eat. If you’re horny then screw. If you’re thirsty then drink. You have to know if he can form sentences like an English teacher, because if he can’t talk then he can’t screw. At least that’s what girls think. You have to know that he has a job, or is looking for a job. You have to know that he lives on his own or he’s had a bad setback and is only living at home recently and temporarily because if he’s not ambitious then he can’t screw.
I mean how good could that steak dinner be if the cow was a mamma’s boy and a slacker and couldn’t conjugate Moos to save his life. If he was smart and sensitive, maybe he wouldn’t be on your plate in the first place.
No I don’t work for PETA.
No I’m not a vegetarian.
My point is that women don’t want sex. Why is the dog getting laid more than you? Because the dog wants to get laid. Women don’t want to get laid. If they did, they would. Women want safety and security and comfort and dependability. Women want a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry on, a lap to sit on, and someone to count on. Women want to cuddle and talk and share secrets. Women want to go out and be out and stay out. Women want to see a great show, have a great meal, and dance at a great club. Women like dressing up and being seen, but when they stay in women like foreplay. Sex is like dessert, but foreplay is the true meal, the reason you came, the entrée, and the most fulfilling part of the dinner. Women can orgasm standing in the supermarket checkout line. They don’t need men for orgasm. They have better toys then men do, trust me. Women don’t want sex. Women want to make a deep quality connection with someone who will listen and respect them until death they do part, except when Patrick Swayze haunted Demi Moore. Even death can’t keep them apart. How romantic is that?
Speaking as a man, we’re more like dogs. We can be your best friends and we’re loyal to who feeds us best. We’re trainable, if you take the time to train us, but when it’s time to mate, then mate. Don’t have a headache, and don’t plan a special vacation to Vermont next month. Step up or step back and let some other woman try. I know this is wholly unattractive now, but why would I cheat if you were giving me sex when I wanted it? Everything can’t be blamed on women, but men don’t complicate sex with feelings. We just want to get laid. Just like dogs.

Well, I gotta be back to work. I hope this was more educational than funny.

[BigAlHolmes165]

The world's best fighter pilot died and went to heaven and St. Peter said; "Welcome to heaven my son, you have been the best fighter pilot in the world and have done wonderful things for your friends, family, and country your whole life". For that reason I am authorized to let you choose which part of heaven you would like to go to.

"Well", the fighter pilot said, "I'd really like to go somewhere where I will never see another helicopter pilot or aircrewman again - those guys were loud and obnoxious, and generally just a pain in the ass. I never want to have to see them, talk to them, or deal with them again ever".

St. Peter replied "It's actually not much of a problem up here, we don't ever get many of them around, but just to be sure, I have the perfect place - it is a deserted tropical island where you will never be bothered again by any helicopter pilots".

The fighter pilot went off to the island very happy. About a week later he was back at the gates demanding to see St. Peter.

"What's wrong?" St. Peter asked.

"Well", said the fighter pilot, "I thought you said I will never have to deal with a helicopter pilot again. I was walking along the beach yesterday and I looked up, and there, coming towards me, was two guy’s swaggering along in a flight suit , wearing a really big wrist watch, with a girl under each arm, telling war stories that all started with "There I was...."

St. Peter looked puzzled and said; "Let me check something".

He then went into his computer to check the whereabouts of both of the helicopter pilots and aircrewmen in heaven. He was still looking puzzled and then it dawned on him.

"That wasn't a helicopter pilot or aircrew man you saw yesterday. That was actually God and Jesus. They sometimes likes to dress up and pretend they are helicopter pilots and aircrewmen."

[Ed Palmer]

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla
cage. The gorilla was sitting there hugely excited. Unable to contain
himself one of the men reaches in to touch the gorilla's 'delicates'.

As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes
him into the cage...slams him to the floor and screws him senseless. A few
days later in the hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he
is hurt.....

"Hurt? You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

[Ed Palmer]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "

[thedrifter]

Marine Jokes


Why do marines think they are better than everyone else?
"'Cause R ooniforms R more perttier."

What happens to a soldier when he starts to believe his own B.S.?
He becomes a marine.

Why do the marines have the lowest intelligence test entry standards of all the services?
Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

How do you get rid of a bunch of marines?
Easy, just tell them that CNN is two blocks over.

US Marine Corps. oath of enlistment:
I, (state your name), swear...duhhh...high and tight...(grunt) cammies...uhhh...perty uniform...air force women...OORAH! So help me corps.

[thedrifter]

Marine Jokes

Alligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who
were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men
standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in
town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming
rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and
strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and
flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"


The Goat in the Fence

A Marine and an Airman are walking down a country rode when the Airman spots a goat standing by the side of the road with its horns caught between the rails of the fence. The Airman looks at the Marine and says, "Man, I've always wanted to give that a try." He looks around, sees there's nobody nearby, then drops his pants and proceeds to sodomize the hapless goat. When he's done, he pulls his pants up, grins at the Marine, and says "Okay, your turn." --So the Marine sticks his head through the fence.


A Set of Tracks

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

Grab Bag of Jarhead Jokes


Q: "What has an IQ of 42?"
A: "40 Marines plus their lieutenant"

Q. "Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?"
A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"

Q. "What do smart Marines and UFOs have in common?"
A. "You always hear about them but you never see them"

Q. "Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?"
A. "So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head"

[thedrifter]

A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks. The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.

"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ***, and finally, I want to fill your ***** up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The woman's husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says,
"That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
****ed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ***."
"That's it, I'm kicking his ***."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my ***** up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.

"What are you doing? Aren't you going to kick his ***?" The woman says to her husband.

He replies with, "What are you crazy?? I'm not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."

[Ed Palmer]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....PROMISE! Well, the hours passed away quickly, and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3:00 am, drunk as a skunk, I arrived home and just as soon as I got in the front door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized that she would probably wake up, so I cuckood another 9 times! I was really proud of my accomplishment! Having such a snappy, witty solution to avoid a possible severe conflict with the wife. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got home. I said "At midnight, like I promised". She didn't seem disturbed at all. "Got away with that one" I thought to my brilliant self. Then she said that we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, " Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****', cuckooed four more times, cleared its' throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, then cuckooed twice more, then farted".

[thedrifter]

Saving For Marriage

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"

[BigAlHolmes165]

.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Ron



EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

.

[thedrifter]

Top 10: Worst Pickup Lines Ever



10. I'm a virgin, so you don't have to worry about catching anything.

9. Baby, when you walked in the door, I damn near grew a third leg.

8. Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?

7. Your butt is so nice it's just a shame you have to sit on it.

6. You look like a hooker I once knew in Reno.

5. I’m here - what were your other two wishes?

4. My name is Bill and I'm conducting a poll... in my pants.

3. I've had quite a bit to drink and you're beginning to look pretty good.

2. How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?"

1. Can I have your phone number after we have sex?

[thedrifter]

I´m Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[thedrifter]

He Said, She Said

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.

[thedrifter]

What Men are Like

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

[thedrifter]

New Tax

he only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is ****ed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

[thedrifter]

With the Babysitter

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".

Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."

[thedrifter]

At Any Drugstore

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[thedrifter]

At the Military Base

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

[thedrifter]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the
medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr. Tang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take
off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get
down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,
the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to
me." As she did, Dr. Tang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem
vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."


The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Tang what is Ed
Zachary disease?" Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed
Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your
ass."

[Phantom Blooper]

A small town patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting." :banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all
sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure' preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[Ed Palmer]

think positive

Midland, TX. City Councilman Ejected From Studio

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio - but to a thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":


"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"

[ringoffire]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine
kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you
put a piece of rubber at the end of

your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Phantom Blooper]

New Mexico Barbie Dolls:




Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls
for the New Mexico market:

Tanoan Albq Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at out-of-state Fashion Centers since
there is no High-end shopping in the entire state.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a semi- custom dream house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic ex-husband
Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.

Rio Rancho Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan
and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic- jamming cell phone sold
separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.

Espanola Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78
El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit.
This model is Only available after dark and can only be bought with
cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know
what you are talking about.

Northeast Heights Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or
HummerH2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and
country Club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private
School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early
80's.

Moriarty Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six- pack of Coors
Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick
mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free. Available at Super Wal-mart.

Los Lunas Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Belen Barbie's (discontinued) house.
Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,
strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top.
Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal- Mart.
Cheap.

Corrales Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard
print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at
the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two
alimony checks. Also cheap.

West Side Albuquerque Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his
'79 Caddy where available, but are now very difficult to find since the
addition of the infant.

Santa Fe Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Ruidoso Barbie:
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We
don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on
business. Ruidoso Barbie aspires to become Tanoan Barbie. Not cheap,
but still very naive.

South Valley Albuquerque Barbie:
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor.
Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his
left hand. Green cards are not yet available for South Valley Barbie or
Ken. Available at Food City.

Silver City Barbie/Ken"
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't
have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change,
and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good
ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen
in Barbie Grocery Store (soldseparately) arguing over prices.
Available at the doctor's office


Las Cruces Barbie:
Into basketball and marijuana and green chile. Dropped out of NM State.
Does nothing but complain about any Albuquerque Barbie :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?”

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
The cop asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

"I'll be damned---My girlfriend's gone, too

[Phantom Blooper]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale,
"Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Keep an open mind



Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel

and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next

door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop

that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and

stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800

dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back

upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband

says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story : - If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to

prevent avoidable exposure.





Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing

her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After

controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing

gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the

flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his

arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go

forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story : - If you are not well informed in your job, you

might miss a great opportunity.




Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"

says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,

without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says

the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my

personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my

life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: - Always let your boss have the first say.




Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: -

"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and

rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story : - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting very high up.




Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well,

why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed

with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave

him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,

after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of

the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story: - Bull_ _ _ _ might get you to the top, but it won't

keep you there.

[Ed Palmer]

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

[Old Marine]

Little boy was walking down the street and ran into the town preacher. The preacher had a jar under his arm so the little boy ask "Whats in the jar Preach", the Preacher said Holy Water and went on to say that he had put some of the Holy Water on a womans stomach and she passed a baby. The Preacher noticed a jar under the arm of the little boy and asked "What's in your jar". The boy replied that he had a jar of acid and that he had put some on a cats azz and the cat passed a motorcycle.

[Phantom Blooper]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!




:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Wichitasig5.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

An Old Couple Find Each Other
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

[Ed Palmer]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly

removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing

vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while

you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting

the toilet seat by simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut

yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing

the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

will prevent you from rolling over and going back to

sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of

laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a

hammer and you will forget about the toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of

life really are:



You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it

doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it

shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Remember:



Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.



If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get

another chance.



And finally, be really nice to your family and

friends; you never know when you might need them to

empty your bedpan

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[thedrifter]

Stop and Think!
How old is Grandma???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail ! 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed, !

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!


This Woman would be only 59 years old!

[Ed Palmer]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".

[Phantom Blooper]

President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Mr Bush and Mr Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says,"Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze...


1st Hillbilly:


" My wife sure is stupid !!!..She bought an air conditioner..."





2nd Hillbilly: " Why is that stupid ??"





1st Hillbilly: " We ain't got no 'lectricity !!"





2nd Hillbilly:


"That's nothin' !!!!! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines !"





1st Hillbilly: " why is that so stupid ?"





2nd Hillbilly: " cause we ain't got no plummin'!"





3rd Hillbilly:


"that ain't nuthin' ! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!

[thedrifter]

The "New Rules"

New Rule 1:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn!

New Rule 2:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule 3:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
"Lucky little bastards".

New Rule 4:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule 5:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 6:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket and it costs more than gasoline for crying out loud. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let the ice
melt. Now you've got some decent, flavored water.

New Rule 7:
Stop ****ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule 8:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh buddy, you're huge *******.

New Rule 9:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.Paper, plastic? Who gives a **** - put it in a bag so I can get out of here.

New Rule 10:
Just because your tattoo is a butterfly with Chinese characters under it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your left tit and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule 11:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, ompetitive farting?

Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule 12:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule 13:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 14:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule 15:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 16:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months" - "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

[thedrifter]

NEW ENLISTMENT OATHS

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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[thedrifter]

SIX KINDS OF SEX

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get
some once a month but it's not enough to live on....

[thedrifter]

Twins?

This ugly woman was checking out at grocery store with her two young boys when the cashier guy asked her if her boys were twins??

She said no,they were in fact 9 and 11 years old.She asked the checker why, do you think they look alike??He said no, not at all, he just couldn't believe she got laid twice!!!

[Ed Palmer]

A Blond went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The Blond was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the Blond had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the Blond, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.

[Ed Palmer]

Derek walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
I was talking to the Sheep

[Ed Palmer]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and
decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks,
they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and
whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms
and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old
and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go
upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I
think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was
loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A witch, why the hell would you say that? "

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck
and I gave her a ! little bite, then she farted and flew out
the window

[Ed Palmer]

Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He's really gonna miss me."

[jennifer]

NEW ENLISTMENT OATHS

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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HAHAHHA, SO VERY TRUE!!!

[jennifer]

> WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> 1. Yes = No
> 2. No = Yes
> 3. Maybe = No
> 4. We need = I want..
> 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
> 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
> 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
> 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
> 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
> 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
> about?
> ----------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> MEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
> 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
> 3. I am tired = I am tired
> 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
> 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
> 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
> 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
> 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[jennifer]

: I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm. A girl asked "why doesn't it taste sweet then. When she realized what she said her face became red with embarrasment. Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat. The girl started crying and left class!

[Ed Palmer]

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[jennifer]

YOU KNOW YOUVE BEEN IN IRAQ TOO LONG WHEN:

When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"


When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus


Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive


You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better


You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet


You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress


You take the time to add your lines to this list


You've spent $200 dollars at Haji mart on DVDs buying Basic Instinct, 9 and 1/2 weeks, and Body of Evidence just for the sex scenes


You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks


Driving around in big trucks with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you


You can put your flak jacket and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds


When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times


When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away


When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf


Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up


When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog


When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the Cobra and Helo choppers fly over


You memorized every episode from the 4th Season of Smallville


You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji mart


You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back


Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone


Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?


You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad


You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country


You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah (the Marine Corps Motivational Phrase)


You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah (the army's Motivational Phrase)


You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.


You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plane home because an Air Force tour is too short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, flyboy, you won't get it.


You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there


You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural


You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides


The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket


You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.


When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"


You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)


When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."


When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.


While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads you to wonder who stole your sandbags.


When some of the contractors wear their camoflauge uniform more properly than some of the soldiers.


When 12 hours is a short work day


You go Battle Captains!


When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.


When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times


When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting


When you step into any office and there are 6 colonels, 12 lieutenant colonels, 15 majors, and 8 captains, 9 Master Sergeants, 10 Gunnery Sergeants, 3 Staff Sergeants supervising the work of 1 Lance Corporal...


When you end every phone conversation with "Out"


When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"


When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you have issued the same AK-47 to the Iraqi army 3 times


When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar


When on R & R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and your looking for the clearing barrel


When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service


You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer


You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed


You yell at the FNG (****ing New Guy) for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt


You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of an Iraqi sports team to keep from being hit by celebratory fire


You decide for that for ****s and grins - lets take a run around Lost Lake at Camp Victory to see if we can get shot at by the sniper


You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)


The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razor blades


When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your cammies become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...


You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed cammies

You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the sleeping bag you nicknamed "woobee" will save you and at least you are comfortable


You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves


You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out of the Tigris or the chemical waste dump that is Lake Habinyah.


You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex


A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the head. (bathroom)


You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation


you are the only one standing out in the open, smoking a cigarette when on a patrol because you know Haji won't hit you if he does shoot.

When you shoot at the IED to make it blow so you wont have to wait for EOD to show up.

[Old Marine]

Two Arabs boraded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was seettling in when the Arab in the window seat said. "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As seen as he left, on of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said. "That looks good. I'd really like one, too." Again the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[Old Marine]

Actual Navy Transcript.

Dispatch #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

Dispatch #2: Recommend you divert your course `5 degrees to
South to avoid collision.

Dispatch #1: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship, I say
again, divert your course.

Dispatch #2: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Dispatch #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Dispatch #2: This is a lighthouse. Your call......

[Ed Palmer]

At our local shopping mall, Army National Guard recruiters hung a large
banner with their telephone number: 1-800-GO-GUARD.


I understand that this number has been far more successful than the more
honest one it replaced: 1-800-GO-2-IRAQ.

[Phantom Blooper]

One winter morning in Iowa a couple was listening to the radio while
eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8
to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with
a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get
through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said ...Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time????????????????

[thedrifter]

LITTLE JOHNNY'S NEW WORD

Dirty Johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. During the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". It was "penis" this and "penis" that. The class behaved as if it understood.

Immediately following class, all the students gathered around Dirty Johnny. "Johnny, what's a penis?" Nobody had a clue. Dirty Johnny said he would ask his Dad when he got home.

When Dirty Johnny got home, his Dad was there. "Dad, what's a 'penis'?" His father unzips his pants, shows Johnny his dick and says, "This is a perfect penis." Johnny replied, "Thanks, Dad. I'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."

The next day, all the students gathered around. "What did your Dad say, Dirty Johnny?" Johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"

[thedrifter]

LADDER TO SUCCESS

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[thedrifter]

CASUAL NIGHTMARE

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matche sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said,nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[thedrifter]

SCARE THEM INTO BEHAVING

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and
stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

[montana]

an ol boy was makeing out with his hunny in the sack when he noticed that her toes were set very far apart...when asked why they were that way she told him that when she was a little girl she used to wade barefoot in the mud puddles
that sounded good to him so he went on with the gob at hand...after a cupple minuts of love makeing he stoped and asked ....honny you sure you didnt sit in that mud puddle?

[thedrifter]

TEN WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR TERRORIST
Cosmopolitan Magazine, proposed | 1-27-06 | Larry in Arabia

In an unbelievable scoop for Cosmopolitan Magazine, we have been able to get an in-depth and literally up close and personal interview with Osama bin Laden. While in an unusually festive and childlike nature, due in part to what this very, up till now, reclusive man has chosen as a “frumpy” styling dress-code, he now openly states that all of his robes were simply to hide a severe case of toe-nail fungus that his HMO would not pay for its treatment as their consideration was that such treatments were solely cosmetic. As such, Osama could only wear out-of-date, but still fashionable, four-inch spike heals. Does this man know fashion, or what?

AND as a real scoop for all of our readers out there; this not very tall man, only five-eight on his bare-feet, thinks that open-toe stiletto heals will come back along with plunging and open-back robes.

This very shy man is very playful in real life as he was comfortable enough in this interview to remove his false beard, even to the point of allowing this reporter to view his very prominent receding hair line. He did secretly vow that he was very hopeful to get a “Bossily Transplant” this coming year.

Finally, this jovial man reveals his, not only inner thoughts, but exactly what his followers really want out of life and in their own deaths.

Osama bin Laden stated that his entire movement’s mission has been misrepresented by his former official spokesman, Sulaiman Abu Ghaith. Accordingly, this just named man has a severe case of irritable bowl syndrome and does not speak in anything approaching complete sentences.

As if to prove his point, Osama said that Ghaith went so far one time as to make anyone who would be foolish enough to actually believe anything that he even says, that: “There are thousands of the Islamic nation’s youths who are eager to die just as the Americans are eager to live.”

Osama was slapping his knees and wiping a tear from his eye when he confided in this reporter that: “That silly man, . . . he just needs to get regular.” And to make matters even worse, bin Laden says that the Taliban official, Mohammed Hussein Mortised, agrees with not only what Ghaith says, but that “The Americans are fighting so they can live and enjoy the material things in life, . . . But we are fighting so we can die in the cause of God.”

Even further, Osama bin Laden wanted everyone to know that these two men had very unhappy childhood’s because even their goats would not play with them and their mammas didn’t shave their mustaches close enough whenever they kissed them good-night.

[thedrifter]

Top 10: Rejected Titles For Brokeback Mountain

10. Homos On The Range

9. Misfit

8. Blazing Saddles

7. Magnificent Seven Inches

6. Little Big Men

5. The Good, The Bad, And The Big One

4. It's Not Dick and Jane

3. Long Ranger

2. How The West Was Hung

1. Broke My Back Mounting Him

[Ed Palmer]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally the doctor says to him, "The reason that you can not perform is all in your mind!!!" So the Doctor refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." so he refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over and I do not want an erection any longer?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and he is lying next to her he says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said. His wife was facing the other way and turns over and says, "What did you say "123" for?"

[montana]

a horse mounted cop was sitting his horse watching the streets whe all at once his horse humps its back...looking around to see what was wrong he see an ol drunk holding the horses tail up with one hand and with the other sticking his finger up the horses butt then rubbing his finger over his lips..the cop hollers .what the hell do you think your doing?..the drunk said my lips are chaped...the cop said you sick lowlife that isnt going to help your chaped lipes...the drunk said ..i know that...butt is sure keeps me from licking them

[thedrifter]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

* MAN: "Hello"

* WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

* MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Ed Palmer]

Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[Ed Palmer]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you take it to the rooster fights and lose it gambling??

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.. "I haven't picked a winner in years"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks and smells like after he has given up beer, fishing, roosters and sex."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitled.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

THE APPOINTMENT

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with Patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the Receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

[jennifer]

HOW TO PREPARE FOR A DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, Sorry, wrong cot.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor, stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbors. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on high for that tactical generator smell.

8. Dont watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise levels.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

There's more...

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbors house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the showers as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you dont really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and rear doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Also bring your gun and flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas just in case every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say: Sorry, its for the other Smith.

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you dont know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M & M every Sunday and convince yourself it for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambience.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows or just put sand bags over them.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your wife to allow you to buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact

stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for diseases and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in the neighbors back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest /hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they wont get cold/hot.

40. Just when you think youre ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment youre been ordered to support

[Ed Palmer]

A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"

Seconds before his death he says...

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

[Ed Palmer]

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hassidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "Family of the groom"

[Ed Palmer]

S'ex Is Like A Bike!

How Is S'ex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you
have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of
experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually
best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first
time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes

[thedrifter]

Navy versus the Marines


An old Submarine Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the
VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought
in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach
at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took
out An entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty Puller, pushed the
enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always
under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in
Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day,
plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and
mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached
and our guns were empty, then we charge the enemy with bayonets".

"Ah," said the Navy Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Lucky bastard, all shore duty, huh?"

[RRHOOP5469]

One of these days, I'll get through this list...sorry if these are repeats.
================================================== ========

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, an went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!".
================================================== ======

U.S. Marines: America's weapon of mass destruction
================================================== ======
Marine Sniper: You can run but you'll die tired.
================================================== ======
There are 2 types of people: Marines and those that wish they were.
================================================== ======
Heaven won't take us and hell's afraid we'll take over.
================================================== ======

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him and then raised his single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em huh sir?"

[RRHOOP5469]

Again, sorry if it's a repeat.
======================

A Platton Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergreant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of Sergeant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
================================================== =======

Better ways to say things:

1. He does NOT get lost all the time....he discovers Alternative Destinations or he gets temporarily misoriented.

2. He does NOT get falling down drunk....he becomes Accidently Horizontal or he practices his IMT's in the club.

================================================== ======

Sniper's Motto: Reach out and touch someone.
================================================== ======

Remember During Wars:

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your rifle was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA's have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand granades.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

[ringoffire]

An Unusual Complication

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-
hour surgical procedure.

A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[ringoffire]

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2005 ...according to Reader's Digest:
>>>
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. Instead he opened his trenchcoat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
>>
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am they're dead."
>>
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day" the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
>>
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low BridgeAhead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
>>
AND NOW........FOR THE BEST...........
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Phantom Blooper]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I?m only 5' 5".


She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.


"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall
and skinny! Now I'm short and fat!"


She put me on Prozac.:banana:

[jennifer]

The Difference Between the Infantry, the Artillery and the Armored

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Armored: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Armored: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Armored: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Armored: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Armored: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Armored: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Armored: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Armored: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Armored: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Armored: Coffee maker in tank not working

Artillery: Only having basic cable
BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Armored: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Armored: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

WHAT OTHERS CALL THEM
Infantry: Grunts
Armored: Zipperheads
Artillery: Drop shorts

[thedrifter]

Old acquaintances


I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."



Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"



She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"



She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.



"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to **** off.

[rsta]

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in tendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[thedrifter]

Riddles and Answers
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the sign on the door of the *****house say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What does a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

[Ed Palmer]

Medical Examinations
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to he cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," ! ; I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I had told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................


As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[Ed Palmer]

Hidden Signs Of Dating!

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

[Ed Palmer]

Sweet justice in Australia!

Melrose Drive , Tullamarine , Victoria . January 16th 2006 : 14.35 hours :

Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68 in a 60 zone.
Workcover Inspector says nothing and cops it sweet accepting the $50
ticket. Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back to his car...

Workcover Inspector in the mean time, gets digital camera out of bag,
photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues the
Policeman with an $800.00 fine for not wearing his hi-visibility vest
when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.

Don't you just love justice!

[thedrifter]

New Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord."

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids."

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking".

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework".

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak".

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!"

[Ed Palmer]

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
Eric, 6

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
Kelly, 9

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that , you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
Carolyn, 8

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
Lottie, 9

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
Kally, 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on TV."
Anita, 6

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree."
Carey, 7

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, 8

[thedrifter]

CUSTER'S LAST THOUGHT

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of “Custer's Last Thought.” The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, “What the hell has this got to do with ‘Custer's Last Thought’?”

The artist replied, “It's simple. Custer's last thought had to have been: ‘Holy ****! Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?’”

[Ed Palmer]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[yellowwing]

Outstanding! All of these could come from the log books of Pappy Boyington's VMA-214 or the latest 90 day wonders. :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking
a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother.

[Ed Palmer]

THE SEA by Kindergartners
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy
age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make
the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do
mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a

a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they >

have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my >
>>>willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.
(Russ
age 5)

[thedrifter]

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Pivot Point ^ | 2/3/06

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining. The day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

TIBETIAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark....

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....

POINTER: I see it. There it is. There it is, right there....

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb....

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be ! before I can expect light? Will you people hurry up?!

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

[Ed Palmer]

One Question IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

[Phantom Blooper]

Morning Sex Poem

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take a note to your beautiful mommy."

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "Take this to your silly Daddy",

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!

[BOOGIEMAN44]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

[thedrifter]

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

[thedrifter]

NEW TOWN PRIEST

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

[thedrifter]

YOUNG ATTRACTIVE MODEL

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[ringoffire]

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.



The examiner shows him a card with the letters:



C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z



"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.



"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

[thedrifter]

FACTS ABOUT VODKA

Did you know this about vodka?

* To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.

The solvent dissolves adhesive.

* To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

* To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

* Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

* Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

* Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

* Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

* Fill a 16-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

* Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Zip-Loc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

* Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three (3) days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

* To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

* To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

* Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

* Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

* Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me. . I've only been drinking the stuff

[thedrifter]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to ! drink that much again."

23. 50% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

[thedrifter]

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
My momma's email | Truman Capote

WEEK ONE

* Beans * Bacon * Coffee * Whiskey

WEEK TWO

* Beans * Ham * Coffee * Whiskey

WEEK THREE

* Beans al fresca * Thin-sliced Bacon * Hazelnut Coffee * Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin * K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR

* Beans en salade * Pancetta * Coffee (espresso grind) * 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay * 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE

* Fresh Fava beans * Jasmine rice * Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced * Medallions of veal * Porcini mushrooms * 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream * 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long * 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve) * 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX

* Yukon Gold potatoes * Heavy whipping cream * Asparagus (very thin) * Organic Eggs * Spanish Lemons * Gruyere cheese (well aged) * Crushed Walnuts * Arugula * Clarified Butter * Extra Virgin Olive oil * Pure Balsamic vinegar * 6 yards white silk organdy * 6 yards pale ivory taffeta * 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve * Large tin Crisco

[Ed Palmer]

Soon, Wal-Mart customers will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming
up with Robert Mondavi Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an
affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "The right name is
important."

So, here we go:
The top 10 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat
(Possum) or red meat (squirrel).

[thedrifter]

Navy Chiefs

One day, a Navy Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found the place was quite crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them if they could join them.

They promptly invited them to join them. They ordered lunch and joined them in conversation as they ate. At one point, the Chief mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could determine the source of their commissioning. The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and asked how he had noted this. The Chief replied that the Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had determined this. The Chief said, again through his conversation, that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and a lot of common sense.

The Lieutenant across the table from the Chief asked if he had determined his source of commission. The Chief replied that the Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if he had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the United States Naval Academy.

The Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

You can't take them Navy Chiefs anywhere.

Ellie

[thedrifter]

Top 10: Things Men Say + What They Really Mean

10. He says: "My wife doesn't understand me." He means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

9. He says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." He means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

8. He says: "I missed you while you were gone." He means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

7. He says: "Let's take your car." He means: "Mine is full of burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

6. He says: "I do help around the house." He means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

5. He says: "I broke up with her." He means: "She dumped me."

4. He says: "Hey, I've read all the classics." He means: "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

3. He says: "I heard you." He means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

2. He says: "Will you marry me?" He means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

1. He says: "I don't want to go because I hate shopping." He means: "I don't want to go because I hate sitting outside the dressing room holding your purse for 2 hours."

[loki]

<tt>A study conducted by Indiana University's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. The study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he's on fire.</tt>

[thedrifter]

Officers and making love


A colonel, a major, and a boot 2nd lieutenant were sitting at the base
chow hall enjoying lunch one afternoon when the 2nd lieutenant (Lt.)
announced that he wanted to pop the question to his girlfriend and ask her
to marry him. The Colonel wanted to spread his wisdom of marriage and
counsel the young Lt. and said that marriage is a lot of work and making
love is an important part of it. He advised the Lt. that making love was
50% fun and 50% work. The major cut in and said that he believed that
making love was 40%fun and 60% work.

The young Lt. boasted that he believed making love was 95% fun and 20%
work (you do the math)

Right then the Colonel saw a Corporal overseeing a working party and
summoned him over. The Corporal ran over and reported in and stood
listening to the debate. The colonel asked the corporal what his thoughts
on it were and the Corporal thought for a minute and said "Respectfully
gentelmen, you are all wrong." the Colonel sat back with amazement and
asked how he knew that and the Corporal replied "Well sir, making love is
100% fun, because if there were any work involved, you would get an
enlisted man to do it for you!"

[Ed Palmer]

There was this tall lanky cowboy sitting at a bar when a married lady happened to notice his unusually large boots. She walked over and shyly asked if it was true what she had heard about men with large feet. He proudly announced "Yes Maa'm - it is and I would gladly go out back and show you" She declined revealing to him that she was married. Returning to her seat, she ordered another drink. Thinking to herself that her husband was out of town and she had never done anything like this before, she went back to the cowboy and asked him to spend the night with her. The next morning the woman woke up and handed the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing the cowboy declined and said "Gosh Ma'am - I'm terribly flattered, but it was all my pleasure - You don't got to pay me" Handing it to him again the woman said " Don't be flattered - Just take it and get yourself some boots that fit "!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

If we had a Democratic president, these would be the top county songs in the USA:
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song is .. .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

[Ed Palmer]

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless

[loki]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnaped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, " How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."
http://perfectunion.com/vb/images/oldsmilies/rolleyes.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade.

He said he didn't care how people got back to their houses. :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: FW: WHY WE DRINK

Why We Drink?
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink,I feel
shame.Then, I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then, I say
to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver'."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter,
faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no
sin, we go to heaven. So-o-o-o, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
"Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers!"

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may ! make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

[Nagalfar]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this is funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

[Ed Palmer]

By now everybody knows that Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a
hunting companion with a load of birdshot while on a quail-hunting trip in
Texas.

And this has brought Americans together like never before. Red state and
blue state alike, we're all thinking the same thing:
"Dick, that was a lawyer. Why didn't you fire the second barrel?"

[Ed Palmer]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No,
I
don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin
Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone
a
! lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know,"
Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could
shoot the fxcker!

[thedrifter]

Cake Or Bed?

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.

Fine,

Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right

To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So

Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break.

I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps. He Says, Does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!!!

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours...................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working.

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?


She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said, So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?

She Replied, Hellooooo! ...
Do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!

[Ed Palmer]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your axs hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

[garryh123]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on
our road.
The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't
want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had "iceberg lettuce".
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge? To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we
ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
________________________! ________ _______________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our
manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should
do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no
less.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,
Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ _____

*They walk among us and REPRODUCE! Kinda scary, huh?*

[Ed Palmer]

This guy went into the local drug store the other day and asked the pharmacist if they carried viagra. He assured the guy that they did. The guy then asked him if he could get it over the counter. The pharmacist thought about this for a second then answered, "If you took two you probably could".

[Phantom Blooper]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa ina charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is real angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"SUPPLIES!! :banana:

[BOOGIEMAN44]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn Around

[Phantom Blooper]

They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2 decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied; "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day, any time of day that you want."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.

Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your oatmeal....We could have been here twenty years ago!" :banana:

[jennifer]

THIS IS NOT A CHUCKLE BUT IT IS A VERY GOOD POEM, I DIDNT KNOW WHERE ELSE TO PUT IT...

A Soldiers Life.....


Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.

He stays up for days on end.
__________________________

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water.
__________________________

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
__________________________

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
__________________________

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
__________________________

You talk trash on your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
__________________________

You don't feel like helping out your dad today, so you don't.

He does what he is told.
__________________________

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.

He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
__________________________

You complain about how hot it is.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
__________________________

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He does not get to eat today.
__________________________

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for months, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
__________________________

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
__________________________

You are angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He is told he will be held an extra 2 months.

He does as he is told.
__________________________

You call your girlfriend and set a date for that night.

He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
__________________________

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
__________________________

You ditch class to go to a movie.

He goes where he is told.
__________________________

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
__________________________

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why he is fighting.
__________________________

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him.

He hears the gun fire and bombs.
__________________________

You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the bodies lying around him.
__________________________

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He does what he is told.
__________________________

You stay at home and watch tv.

He takes whatever time he is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat.
__________________________

You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable.

He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire.
__________________________

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of men like him.

If only there were more men like him.

[jennifer]

There is a price for most everything;
There is a price for peace.
The price we pay at peace’s wage,
At times is what we weep.
For clearer skies, and tearless eyes,
Soldiers fight with no retreat.
That our eagle may fly,
again up high,
So we may embrace freedom’s feat.
Some soldiers return,
rugged but saved,
Remembering those given to graves.
But when war cries ring,
the angels sing,
In honor of our brave.

Marines, they sail to unknown lands.
The Air Force echoes its sounds;
Our Army fights a rigid fight,
On unfamiliar grounds.
The Navy with its crew at hand,
Engages from afar.
While our entire nation
And their loved ones,
Send prayers to our soldiers at war.

Each tear is real, each fear is felt,
Each terror is not solitary.
United we stand in giving support
To All soldiers in our military.

[Phantom Blooper]

TOP FIFTEEN REJECTED TITLES FOR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
__________________________________________________ _


15. "Bone-anza"

14. "Prances With Wolves"

13. "Male Rider"

12. "Really Blazing Saddles"

11. "The Magnificent Seven Inches"

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-THAT-Little Mountain"

9. "How The West Was Hung"

8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"

7. "For a Few Dollars More, We Can Make It a Threesome"

6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South..A Little More To The South... Oh God,.....Yes!......Right There!"

5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"

4. "The Good, The Bad and The Really, Really Fabulous!"

3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"

2. "Oklahomo"

1. "Buttcrack Mountain" :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

"You are suffering form what is technically known as an 'Electra
Complex'," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In
other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(sniff)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs.

"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

[thedrifter]

"Never Lie To Girls"


There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

:eek:

[thedrifter]

"Equal Opportunities"


A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

[Phantom Blooper]

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

He goes to Richmond to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Boudreaux, the Cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Y know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."

He sayes "Bell 1 rings -- we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings -- we slide down the de pole. Bell 3 rings -- we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go."

"From now on, when I says "Bell 1" I want you to strip naked. When I says "Bell 2" you jump on the bed. When I says "Bell tree" we's gonna mek love all tru the night.

The next night he came home and yelled "Bell 1", his wife strips down, he yells "Bell 2", she jumps on the bed. "Bell 3" and they are off making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "BELL 4".

"What the hell is "Bell 4"?", He asked.

She replied: "Roll out more hose, you ain't yet nowhere near de fire." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An older gentlemen had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a rather large unfriendly looking woman with the appearance of a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name and in a very loud voice she said "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME RIGHT HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around and stared at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Don't mess with old folks.

[Phantom Blooper]

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington IA, to Branson MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it it runs away!!" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She explained that she was a physical therapist and said, "Please allow me to help.
I know that I could relieve your pain if would allow me!". "Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But the woman persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides. She loosened his pants, put her hands inside and began to massage his crotch.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" :banana:

[thedrifter]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


Ellie

[thedrifter]

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[thedrifter]

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[thedrifter]

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse
me, Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course, my child, what can I do
for you?" "Here's the problem...... I bought myself a new sophisticated
hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will
confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your
cassock?"


"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face, Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions," and she gave him the hair remover.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself
to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son,"he replied.


Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined
for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in
laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

[garryh123]

The husband had just finished reading a new book called,
'YOU CAN BE The MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess."

[Ed Palmer]

CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise. " The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather
perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies,
"Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you
Peeking Duck."

[Phantom Blooper]

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is
sitting by herself.


Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they spread. :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know
the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded hot.

"Hi, I hear you give a great mass*ge and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is s8x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now. I'm talking k*nky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby!
Now, how does that sound?"

She says,
"That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press
9."

[thedrifter]

Psycho Path Voted Wackiest Street Name
Saturday, February 25, 2006
(02-25) 18:42 PST Los Angeles (AP) --

Farfrompoopen Road, the only road to Constipation Ridge, lost to Divorce Court and Psycho Path, which placed No. 1 in an online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names.

Mitsubishi Motors sponsored the poll on the Web site

and more than 2,500 voters cast their ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were announced Friday.

"Our readers really stepped up with some insane street names," said Web site publisher Paul Eisenstein. "Our panel had a difficult time narrowing several hundred down to the 10 our readers voted on.

"But we learned a lot about the byways of this country, not to mention the collective sense of humor of city planners everywhere."

In first place was Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich., followed by Heather Highlands, Pa.'s, Divorce Court in second and Tennessee's Farfrompoopen Road in third. Eisenstein said all the roads were verified, although some are private and hard to find.

The complete top 10 list included:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Tenn.

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.

Ellie

[Phantom Blooper]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill

Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with

the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool

professor gave him an A+ for this report:



Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99







Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read







Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,and

subsequent catastrophe.







Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and



subsequent catastrophe.







Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.







Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.







Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.







Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.







Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.







Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.







Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.







Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.



:banana:

[thedrifter]

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[thedrifter]

THE FARMERS MEET THE AILENS

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, "I wonder what the aliens do for sex?" The farmer's wife replied, "I don't know. Do you want to find out?" The farmer agrees.

So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the alien's pecker and starts laughing. "You've got to be kidding me!" she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, "So, how was your night?" She replied, "Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours?" "Well, not so good," replied the farmer, "all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears."

[thedrifter]

TRUE COMPUTER ILLITERATCY

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

[thedrifter]

Reducing expenses


My wife left me... I don't understand.

After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses.
I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "That's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[Phantom Blooper]

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three Pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified.... he also fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

[thedrifter]

ACTUAL CONTROL TOWER CONVERSATIONS

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
*************************
November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
*************************
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose

Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."
*************************
November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
*************************
October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.

"Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

"Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
*************************
September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
*************************
June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

[thedrifter]

HISTORICAL QUOTES

SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Brooke Shields

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
- Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

[thedrifter]

HOW GULLIBLE ARE WE?

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good reasons:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, “dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.

[Les Elkins]

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed by his buddies and dumped in a ditch.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax at least once. If you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel..and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation
you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

26: Unless it is a Jeep or a vintage Mopar, Thou shall not buy a car
in the colors of tourquoise, pink, lime green, orange or sky
blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

[ringoffire]

Cracking Paddy joke........
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of
me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come...!!"

[Ed Palmer]

a drug addict , a cigarette smoker, and a drunk went to hell cuz they died... they met satan..."I shall grant you one wish, any wish you want!" satan said.. The addict said "I want lots of drugs.....give me weed, marijuana, ecxtacy etc...give lots of it now " ,satan said "wise choice..now open that door and you will find your wish"...so he entered... the addict found a huge room filled with all the drugs in the world..."i shall come back tomorrow to check on you" said satan.. then the drunk said "I want all the liQuor in the world, all of the diffrent kinds!!" "very well ..now open the door and you will find your wish" satan said ...so he entered... the drunk found a huge room filled with all the liquor in the world..."i shall come back tomorrow to check on you" said satan.. then the smoker approched satan and said "give me lots of cigarettes lots and lots all the cigarettes in the world"... then satan said "wise choice..now open that door and you will find your wish" ...so he entered... the smoker found a huge room filled with all the cigarettes in the world.. ."i shall come backtomorrow to check on you" said satan.. the next day satan went to check on the three..first the addict...he was dead but very very high...next was the drunk he was dead but was very very drunk..lastly there was the smoker..who was alive but crying...satan asked why he was crying....the smoker said to satan...."YOU DIDNT GIVE ME A LIGHTER A**HOLE!!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

A bear, a lion and a chicken are talking.

"When I roar" said the bear, "the forest rumbles."

The lion sniffed.
"When *I* roar, the jungle trembles", he said.

"Oh." Said the chicken.

The lion and bear looked at her, thinking about dinner.

The chicken smiled a small, knowing smile, and said

"When I cough, the whole world craps itself."


Breaking news....

In an attempt to thwart the spread of the bird flu,
George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

[Phantom Blooper]

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line ofchoosing a profession.

Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and abottle of whiskey...


"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.

If he picks up the Bible,he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard -a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.


With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...


"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a

strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real

workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world

are you doing?"



The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,

and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.

Please, go away and leave me alone."



The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from

the other side of the closed bedroom door.

Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate



love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the

daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and

this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please,



go away and leave me alone."



A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a

shopping



trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that

buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They

entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the

couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the

couch, buzzing like crazy.



The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"



The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my

son-in-law.."

[thedrifter]

http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/content/pic2829.jpg



:eek: :p

[JinxJr]

Pink Envelope

One Sunday while counting the money in the weekly collection plate, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday he watched carefully as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put one of the distinctive pink envelopes in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you've been putting $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful of him. How much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's certainly an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[JinxJr]

Management Material

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some **** wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and hockey players up there."

"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No ****??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[JinxJr]

One Woman's Tale of Woe

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It work! s! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.


CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.


CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom tryi! ng to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!

Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose a! t this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.



Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Ed Palmer]

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the Morris had to call an
electrician, a roofer and a carpenter.

One afternoon Morris returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in
the driveway.

"God," he pleaded, looking skyward,
"please let her be having an affair."

[jryanjack]

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

[Phantom Blooper]

There’s this elderly Texas couple, Sam and Bessie.


Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.



Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and walks proudly all the way home.



He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”



Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.



Again he asks, a little louder this time, Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Bessie looks him up and down and says, “Sam, what’s so different? It’s hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. And, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”



Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!”



To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Ya shoulda bought a hat.”

[ringoffire]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.



"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?



"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[Ed Palmer]

New Job

An old redneck woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her
grandniece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by
the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Betty Jo says here
that she's got herself a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it must be a
'Message' parlour."

"I reckon city folks must leave word there for their neighbours and kinfolk.
Them not having back fences and all," her husband said. "Does Betty Jo say
how much they's a payin' her?"

"Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says
she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to
them!"

[Ed Palmer]

In Defense


Billy Bob was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Billy Bob.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

[Ed Palmer]

A LETTER FROM A REDNECK Arkansas MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER



Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home,
so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
West virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and
pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons
on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully, and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

[Ed Palmer]

Arkansas Anniversaries


I'm in Arkansas at the in-laws for Thanksgiving. My wife and I were at
Wal-Mart today picking out an Anniversary card for her folks.

You know how the card sections are broken down into Birthday,
Anniversary, Get Well, and so on. Then, they're further subdivided into
Brother, Sister, Mother, etc.

Well, in the Anniversary section, there was Son and Wife, as well as
Daughter and Husband. Those made sense. But, you know, I just had to
wonder -- this Arkansas Wal-Mart had "Son and Daughter" in the
Anniversary section...

I couldn't bring myself to look at the card... I mean, this is Arkansas
and all, but I really didn't think Hallmark should bother to cover that
market, if you know what I mean...

[Ed Palmer]

Going A Courtin'


Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

[thedrifter]

Should children witness child birth?


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl,
to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to
cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place ........ smack his ass again

[Phantom Blooper]

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE
OUT DONE; SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET
PAPER HANGING FROM HER ASS CHEEKS.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,

"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTING A FAX!" :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A man returned from a trip to Shanghai and was feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor and was immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man woke up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed began to ring. "This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as GASH. "GASH?" replied the man. "What is that?" "It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explained the doctor. "My gosh, Doc," screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?" "Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of Pizza, Pancakes, Quesadillas and Pita Bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. "Will that cure me?" "Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

[Phantom Blooper]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a
blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy
hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you
dressed like this?

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar
down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to
her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
to pull off my shirt ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me
to pull off my pants ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks
me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy... ".


And here I am.:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist! Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played!
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably! The very proper church ladies were appalled! They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist!

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them, they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size! She agreed to try it! The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday!"

[tbruyle5]

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV. there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever ! ; got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."! The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
---ya gotta love it. . :marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Q.) What do you get when you cross Dolly Pardon and the Easter bunny?


A.) I don't know either,but I sure would like to see it hoppin' down the bunny trail!



:banana:

[thedrifter]

Marines Training

Letter From A Farm Kid- Who Joined Marines.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps Recruit Training beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all-comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice



Ellie

[thedrifter]

Where is it located?



A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, Californian, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

[Phantom Blooper]

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it

is a time to reminisce.



We used to take long walks and drives together.



He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends

with him. I was young when he died.

If he were living today and

sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were

well and good, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown

of grand fatherly advice came from him when I was only 12.



We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying

a beautiful spring day.

He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and

start my own family.

Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman

with small hands."



"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.



"It makes your pecker look bigger."



Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment held the 50$ bill on the box, put it back in his pocket and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." :banana:

[Static_Sky25]

It's a Sunday morning in an old rural church that is packed when *BOOM! CRASH*... thunder roars, the wind howls... and *POOF*! There in the middle of the church appears the devil. People start screaming. There's panic and mayhem as everyone runs for the exits...well... almost everyone. Two people are still there in the church, in the presence of Satan. One is the pastor, and the other is an old farmer. Well, Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the pastor and says, "You, I can understand not running and hiding from me. You are here in your Lord's house. You preach against me every day and you are not afraid. But YOU!" he points to the old farmer sitting calmly in a pew, "Why did you not run from me?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other, pulls the toothpick he was chewing out of his mouth... "Me? Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me. I've been married to your sister for 38 years."

[Since1775]

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had t! o go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I 'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[Ed Palmer]

For all of you Lexus Drivers and those that want to be!!
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day,
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.
The Salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson! The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued...and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I
swerved in time to avoid them.
Chickenshxt *******s!" I yelled...The French National Anthem began to
play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al
Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

Damn, I LOVE this car!

[cohoskip]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meatis very
unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a ****?"

[Ed Palmer]

Two gay guys are walking through a zoo.They come across the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written....."

[Phantom Blooper]

THE CRUISE

DAY ONE:

DEAR DIARY,

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DAY TWO:

DEAR DIARY,

We spent the entire day at sea It was beautiful and we saw some
whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DAY THREE:

DEAR DIARY,

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle
Boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DAY FOUR:

DEAR DIARY,

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The
Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had
a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to
stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.

DAY FIVE:

DEAR DIARY,

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I
decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was appalled.

DAY SIX:

DEAR DIARY,

I saved 1600 lives today-----

Twice!!!!! :banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Poor old Mike was a-dyin' he was. And his good friend Pat was a-standin' over him on 'is death bed.

Mike's all feverish, and out of his mind most the time, but all at once he looks up into Pat's eyes and says;

"Pat, me boy-o, could you be doin' me a favor when I pass to the pearly gates?"

"Well, sure; says Pat; "and you'd be knowin' I'd do anythin' for ya."

Mike says; "Thank ye. I knew I could be countin' on ya.

In me cubbord over there, you'll be findin' a bottle of foin whiskey. When I pass along, when I'm a layin' in me grave, could you please pour that bottle on me grave? You'd be doin' me heart some good if ye did."

Pat says to 'im; "Aye, I can do that for ya. I just have a wee question about it...do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him, and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing
wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

[Phantom Blooper]

Paddy was in New York City. He was patiently waiting and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic
and shouted, "Okay pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

[Ed Palmer]

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for EURO 1 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now, what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Bay Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[Mama]

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

A Marine Corps Sergeant, resplendent in his dress blues, was standing at the entrance of a large hotel.

A fairly new car pulled up to the entrance and an army Lieutenant exited the car with his wife.

Upon seeing the Marine Sergeant the Lieutenant smiling to his wife remarked, "Boy, would you come over here and take my bag into the hotel?"

The Marine Sergeant snapped to attention, said, "Yes sir." then marched up to the Lieutenant's wife, extended his arm and said, "Ma am".

As the Marine Sergeant escorted the wife into the hotel, the wife turned to her army Lieutenant and while laughing saying,

"Smart @ss"! :evilgrin:

[Phantom Blooper]

ALCOHOL VS. WATER



It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of
Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of ****. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors
because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermentation.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to
stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and
bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk **** than to drink water
and be full of it. :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Cultural Differences
A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

A gent form England listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."

"Just one?", Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"

"Well," the English gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman..."

"Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"

[Ed Palmer]

This Big bruiser is sitting at the bar when this gay guy walks in. The gay guy looks at this 6 foot 4 inch bruiser and thinks yeah pretty tasty and so sits down next to him.

A minute later he gets the guts and asks the guy if he wanted a blow job!

The bruiser gets up and punches the gay guy smack in the face! With blood pouring out everywhere he kicks him again before picking him up and chucking him out of the pub.

He sits down at the bar and carry on drinking.

The bar tender goes up to him and asks "I never seen you like that, what did he say to you?"

He replies calmly "I dunno, something about a job!"

[Ed Palmer]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

[cohoskip]

Some little known American military history.

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried
48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators. However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannonshot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she
defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12
English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless,
although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in
Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and
transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.
Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

[cohoskip]

<table border="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr><td>
</td> <td align="right">
</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you
are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest
Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone
Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse
gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian
Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I
will still kill you in two days. What is your second
request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his
horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers
in the horse's ear. Surprise, Silver
again returns, this time with a brunette, even more
attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I
still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is
brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the
last time . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[cohoskip]

<table border="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr><td>
</td> <td align="right">
</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <hr> Arbitrator: ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable: uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney: buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette: burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize: bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with

Control: kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters: kown-ter-fit-ers : Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets

Eclipse: i-klips': what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper: i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes : hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank: left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty: mis'-tee: How golfers create divots

Paradox: par'-u-doks: two physicians

Parasites: par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm

Polarize: po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with

Primate: pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief: ree-leef': what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck: rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress: seem'-stres: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish: sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued: sub-dood': like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man

Sudafed: sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

[cohoskip]

LARS OLAFSEN

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."

"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"

The old man replies:

"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

[Static_Sky25]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the woman at the teller window
"I want to open a f*cking checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say? "Listen up, I said I want to open a f*cking checking account now!!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks, the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no f*cking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the f*cking lottery and I just want to open a f*cking checking account in this f*cking bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat b*tch giving you a hard time?"

[Future-USMC-LT]

Some little known American military history.

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried
48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men.
This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators. However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannonshot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she
defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12
English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless,
although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in
Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and
transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.
Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.


I did the calculations, and that averages out to about 2.9 gallons of alcohol per man, per day.

[Static_Sky25]

most folks drank "grog" or beer instead of water

[Future-USMC-LT]

Modern drunks are weak compared to your average drunk back then.

[yellowwing]

On a Saturday night a pastor was working late at his church, the Almighty God Tabernacle.

He decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone.

The pastor let the phone ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.

The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

The man said, "That's, OK. Let me tell you my story.

You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'

At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"

[Ed Palmer]

Modern drunks are weak compared to your average drunk back then.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitlecd.jpg

After A Night Of Too Much Alcohol And Spirits
Thou Must Kneel, Embrace Thy Throne
And Sacrifice To The Porcelain God
- John 3:16 A.M.-

[cohoskip]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"?

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day: don't lie to your mother.

[cohoskip]

<table border="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr><td>
</td> <td align="right">
</td> </tr> </tbody> </table> <hr> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[cohoskip]

This may be old, I dunno, but still funny...

AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail Ann

[cohoskip]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning
on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know
that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied,
"I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come you
back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the
room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a lone voice,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Since1775]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it!"

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[GySgtRet]

He got it in two places. Un freakin believable.OUCH...

:!:

[Phantom Blooper]

At a International Brewing Convention, the CEOs of a few of the various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Anhauser Bush, the maker of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."

All, including the bartender, stare at him in stupified silence with mouths hanging open! Eventually Bruce squeaks out: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy simply replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies ain't drinkin', then neither am I."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Minute Management Course



Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day,after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1.) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2.) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend..

(3.) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the three minute management course.Thank you! :banana:

[Since1775]

Texas A & M Scientist

A scientist from Texas A & M recently developed a bra that stops women's breasts from jiggling and stops their nipples from thrusting against the fabric when exposed to cool temperatures.

At a news conference to announce the discovery, a large group of men took the scientist outside and promptly beat the crap out of him.

[Ed Palmer]

GOTTA JUST LOVE THOSE LIMEYS


A friend of mine in the RAF fought in the Falklands war, and returned to the UK in a transport plane, along with some female RAF staff. On landing in England, the pilot announced over the intercom; 'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now landed back in England, and Ladies; this means that you are now ugly again.'

[Ed Palmer]

Father and Son - Italian Style
A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad.

Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this a one to pointata what evea you wanta."

"You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose."

"And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said "Papa, many a year use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb... I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, oh Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired. When that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga, and you poka on her head and say, "Go back to sleep you silly woman!"

[Ed Palmer]

Shower Time
How To Shower Like A Man
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, wiggle your dick at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (you don’t). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls, and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you let the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom and fan light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, say “Yeah baby” like Austin Powers, and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how fat you are.
Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any expose skin and then rush to the bedroom and spend an hour and a half getting dressed, putting on makeup, etc.

[Phantom Blooper]

Who said that

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher.

"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"


Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher asked "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006! :banana: