Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . . .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

Just thought you would like to know.

[Ed Palmer]

A man was in a long line at Target.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to
get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have
some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold
of him and called over the intercom,



"One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like
most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the
register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get
condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register
for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,



"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought
what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any
type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this
was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed
some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then
picked up the intercom and said...



"Cleanup, Register 5"

[Phantom Blooper]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him
to death with the chair."

[Phantom Blooper]

Top Country Songs of 2005

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed my Ass All Day

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few -- mainly Southern Belles that Have Been Rung Once Too Often.

[ringoffire]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.



"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."



"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"



"Yes, I do." said Bob.



"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"



"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."



"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"



"She just died and left me everything."





(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day

[BOOGIEMAN44]

Three guys, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and
an American engineer are working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes",

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,

and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever

fertile in Canada."

Pooooof!

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was

forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said,

"I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no

infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof!

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge

wall around those countries..

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell

me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet

thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

[yellowwing]

My Grand Dad and Great Granny

Granny was always getting my Grand Dad to check the house when ever he dropped her off after visiting. "And be sure to check under the bed!" she would ALWAYS admonish him.

One Sunday afternoon Grand Dad did not come back to the car. Granny started fidgeting and really began to worry what happened.

She stuck her courage and proceeded into her little house. No Grand Dad in the living room or kitchen. No Grand Dad in the pantry or back porch.

She finally faced her dearest dread and went in to her bedroom. Nothing obvious greeted her.

But her little ole heart started thumping away when she approached her bed. The over sized quilt neatly covered the crawl~space under her bed.

None the less she gulped a breath and approached her privatest of domains.

Finally when her skin was crawling, she bolted up the quilt!

And to her horror a large hand reached out to grab her small bones!

"AAAAGGHHHH!!!!" she cried out!

Grand Dad laughed like hell from under the bed!

"What in the Sam Hell are you doing under there?" she exasperated?

Grand Dad chuckled, "Well, you kept on talking about it, I thought you WANTED a man under your bed!" :banana:

P.S. Grand Dad never played that trick on his wife, my Grandmother. Grandmother had a .38 Super in her bedside table!

[Phantom Blooper]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be

found by posing the following question:



"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small

children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around

the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,

raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40,

and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you

and your family."



What do you do?



*********************
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the

man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would

inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What

about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the

knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does

the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a

loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society

and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to

wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get

away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this

street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make

this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is

all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and

try to come to a consensus.



.

***********************
Republican's Answer:


BANG!

***********************
Southern Republican's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips

or Hollow Points?

Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Phantom Blooper]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. ! My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

[Ed Palmer]

Rising Gasoline Prises Cut Into Area Mans Beer Money
By Mark Motz


Drain, drain, drain, drain, It all goes down the drain!

QUANDRY, OK - Quandry, Oklahoma resident Bud Conteen laments "a serious reduction in funds available for beer" due to high gasoline prices at his local BP gas station.

"This is bull****. I drive about 20 miles a day to and from work, so with the weekends figured in, that's about 500 miles a month. My Ford Ranger pickup gets about 20 miles to the gallon, so with gas at $2.50 a gallon like it is now, I'm spending somewhere around 63 bucks a month on gas. Back in gasolines heyday, it was around $1.50 a gallon, which means I was spending about $38 a month, a difference of $25, or $6.25 a week less."

In Conteen's case, that $6.25 a week translates into a six pack of premium beer, a bag of hot salsa Doritos, and a "Lucky Lindy" Oklahoma state instant lottery ticket.

"I've had to make some major lifestyle changes. I've had to switch over to crappy low-grade brands, like Old Milwaukee or Schaefers, no way around it. If I buy generic corn chips, and eliminate the lottery tickets, I can cut that figure in half, and still satisfy a tiny fraction of my daily alcohol quota, albeit in the form of an inferior brew. This is pure hell, I tell you, and it's high time that someone in Washington did something about it, posthaste!"

Conteen also fitfully pondered reductions in his $7 dollar a day gourmet deliwhich large roast beef sub stop at the local Speedway Primo Shoppe, $20 toward twice a week pizza parties at work, and $200 a month toward some "really kick-ass Kona bud."

[yellowwing]

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San FranciscoCable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired

by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

[Ed Palmer]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[Ed Palmer]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

[Ed Palmer]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[Ed Palmer]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuxck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[Ed Palmer]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[Ed Palmer]

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fuxcking fence wasn't electrified."

[Gatlink]

This guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders the strongest thing they have. The bartender serves it to him and the guy chugs it down. He slams the glass down on the bar and asks for another one. The bartender looks at him and says, "Something wrong, buddy?" Guy says, "I just came home from a business trip and found my wife in bed with my best friend." The bartender says, "Gee, buddy. That's harsh. What'd you do?" "Well, first I called my wife a ***** and threw her out of my house." The bartender says, "What about your best friend?" The guy replies, "I looked him square in the eye and said 'bad dog'."

[Ed Palmer]

Roe Vs. Wade

The Governor of Louisiana was recently asked about her position on Roe Vs. Wade.

she said she really didn't care how people got out of the city.

[Phantom Blooper]

One morning a kindergarten Teacher said to her class of 5-year-olds,
"I'll give $5 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew." The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus
Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and
I'll give you the $5."

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know,
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business
is business."

[BOOGIEMAN44]

At the Lexus Dealership............


A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked,
Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price

[Ed Palmer]

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as
he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came
strutting into the dining room,
lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an
enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits,
whereas his young wife, who came into
the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice
so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their
room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure
it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look
like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up
for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

[BOOGIEMAN44]

AIR LINES, YA GOTTA LOVE THEM !!



Airline cabin announcements
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
> real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
> find a seat and get in it!"
>
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "L! adies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have.
>
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
> of this airplane"
>
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella. W HOA!"
>
> 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
> as hell everything has shifted."
>
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
> to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
> and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
> know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> unsupervised."
>
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab! the mask, and pull it over your face. If
> you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
> with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
> favorite."
>
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
> ! Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
> bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
> really havi! ng to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
> your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
> of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
>
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
> required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
> smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
> light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
> eye, thinking that som! eone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
> had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
> pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
> down?"
>
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
> to the terminal."
>
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
> urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
> you'll think of US Airways."
>
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
> to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
> light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
> is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
> sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
> minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen, I am so sor! ry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
> you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
> "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
>

[Future-USMC-LT]

On a Southwest flight I was on coming back from San Diego after my graduation from MCRDSD: "It is a felony to damage the smoke detection equipment in the lavatories. If we do catch you smoking, we are going to ask you to step out on the wing to see our movie "Gone With the Wind".

[Ed Palmer]

Why The Hell Is The Dog Getting Laid More Than Me? -


Simply put it’s because animals don’t complicate sex with feelings. Animals don’t “go out for a drink or dinner or whatever”. Animals don’t have a “litany of reasons why they have not gotten out in a very long time”. Animals don’t say things like “Please be under 40, single, good looking, professional or at least well read, D/D free, and available Saturday night.” And animals don’t say “YOU HAVE TO SEND ME A PIC!”

When an animal is hungry they eat. They don’t care much what they eat. Some dogs will eat themselves sick and will eat poisonous things too. When an animal is thirsty they drink. Again, not too much thought goes into satisfying this need. When an animal is in heat they mate. No talking, no dinner and a movie, no nice car, no nice shoes. They give off a pheromone scent and howl to let others know they’re ready.

If you’re truly a good-looking woman, who’s busty, professional, with a big butt, and up for almost anything then the fault is yours alone. I’d do you, and most of my friends would do you too.
But being a girl is so very hard. You want to get laid, but you complicate things with history and emotion. If you make him shower and make him wear a condom you have eliminated 95% of the threat to yourself. If you carry a gun or a serrated knife then you’ve cut the remaining threat 5% down to 2%.
So there you are, 98% sure he’s safe enough to screw. And statistically speaking, most guys are clean and most guys are safe. Just like most guys’ just want to screw. We like women who like us. If you give it to us we’ll gratefully take it.

So what’s stopping you? You’re a girl. You have to talk to him. Have to. Genetic compulsion. If you don’t talk to him then you’d be a guy. Guys don’t talk to the hamburger they eat. If you’re horny then screw. If you’re thirsty then drink. You have to know if he can form sentences like an English teacher, because if he can’t talk then he can’t screw. At least that’s what girls think. You have to know that he has a job, or is looking for a job. You have to know that he lives on his own or he’s had a bad setback and is only living at home recently and temporarily because if he’s not ambitious then he can’t screw.
I mean how good could that steak dinner be if the cow was a mamma’s boy and a slacker and couldn’t conjugate Moos to save his life. If he was smart and sensitive, maybe he wouldn’t be on your plate in the first place.
No I don’t work for PETA.
No I’m not a vegetarian.
My point is that women don’t want sex. Why is the dog getting laid more than you? Because the dog wants to get laid. Women don’t want to get laid. If they did, they would. Women want safety and security and comfort and dependability. Women want a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry on, a lap to sit on, and someone to count on. Women want to cuddle and talk and share secrets. Women want to go out and be out and stay out. Women want to see a great show, have a great meal, and dance at a great club. Women like dressing up and being seen, but when they stay in women like foreplay. Sex is like dessert, but foreplay is the true meal, the reason you came, the entrée, and the most fulfilling part of the dinner. Women can orgasm standing in the supermarket checkout line. They don’t need men for orgasm. They have better toys then men do, trust me. Women don’t want sex. Women want to make a deep quality connection with someone who will listen and respect them until death they do part, except when Patrick Swayze haunted Demi Moore. Even death can’t keep them apart. How romantic is that?
Speaking as a man, we’re more like dogs. We can be your best friends and we’re loyal to who feeds us best. We’re trainable, if you take the time to train us, but when it’s time to mate, then mate. Don’t have a headache, and don’t plan a special vacation to Vermont next month. Step up or step back and let some other woman try. I know this is wholly unattractive now, but why would I cheat if you were giving me sex when I wanted it? Everything can’t be blamed on women, but men don’t complicate sex with feelings. We just want to get laid. Just like dogs.

Well, I gotta be back to work. I hope this was more educational than funny.

[bigalholmes165]

The world's best fighter pilot died and went to heaven and St. Peter said; "Welcome to heaven my son, you have been the best fighter pilot in the world and have done wonderful things for your friends, family, and country your whole life". For that reason I am authorized to let you choose which part of heaven you would like to go to.

"Well", the fighter pilot said, "I'd really like to go somewhere where I will never see another helicopter pilot or aircrewman again - those guys were loud and obnoxious, and generally just a pain in the ass. I never want to have to see them, talk to them, or deal with them again ever".

St. Peter replied "It's actually not much of a problem up here, we don't ever get many of them around, but just to be sure, I have the perfect place - it is a deserted tropical island where you will never be bothered again by any helicopter pilots".

The fighter pilot went off to the island very happy. About a week later he was back at the gates demanding to see St. Peter.

"What's wrong?" St. Peter asked.

"Well", said the fighter pilot, "I thought you said I will never have to deal with a helicopter pilot again. I was walking along the beach yesterday and I looked up, and there, coming towards me, was two guy’s swaggering along in a flight suit , wearing a really big wrist watch, with a girl under each arm, telling war stories that all started with "There I was...."

St. Peter looked puzzled and said; "Let me check something".

He then went into his computer to check the whereabouts of both of the helicopter pilots and aircrewmen in heaven. He was still looking puzzled and then it dawned on him.

"That wasn't a helicopter pilot or aircrew man you saw yesterday. That was actually God and Jesus. They sometimes likes to dress up and pretend they are helicopter pilots and aircrewmen."

[Ed Palmer]

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla
cage. The gorilla was sitting there hugely excited. Unable to contain
himself one of the men reaches in to touch the gorilla's 'delicates'.

As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes
him into the cage...slams him to the floor and screws him senseless. A few
days later in the hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he
is hurt.....

"Hurt? You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

[Ed Palmer]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "

[thedrifter]

Marine Jokes


Why do marines think they are better than everyone else?
"'Cause R ooniforms R more perttier."

What happens to a soldier when he starts to believe his own B.S.?
He becomes a marine.

Why do the marines have the lowest intelligence test entry standards of all the services?
Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

How do you get rid of a bunch of marines?
Easy, just tell them that CNN is two blocks over.

US Marine Corps. oath of enlistment:
I, (state your name), swear...duhhh...high and tight...(grunt) cammies...uhhh...perty uniform...air force women...OORAH! So help me corps.

[thedrifter]

Marine Jokes

Alligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who
were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men
standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in
town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming
rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and
strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and
flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"


The Goat in the Fence

A Marine and an Airman are walking down a country rode when the Airman spots a goat standing by the side of the road with its horns caught between the rails of the fence. The Airman looks at the Marine and says, "Man, I've always wanted to give that a try." He looks around, sees there's nobody nearby, then drops his pants and proceeds to sodomize the hapless goat. When he's done, he pulls his pants up, grins at the Marine, and says "Okay, your turn." --So the Marine sticks his head through the fence.


A Set of Tracks

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

Grab Bag of Jarhead Jokes


Q: "What has an IQ of 42?"
A: "40 Marines plus their lieutenant"

Q. "Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?"
A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"

Q. "What do smart Marines and UFOs have in common?"
A. "You always hear about them but you never see them"

Q. "Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?"
A. "So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head"

[thedrifter]

A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks. The wife notices another man staring at her. Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.

"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ***, and finally, I want to fill your ***** up with tequila and drink it out."
Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The woman's husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says,
"That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."
****ed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"
"He also said he wants to squeeze my ***."
"That's it, I'm kicking his ***."
"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my ***** up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.

"What are you doing? Aren't you going to kick his ***?" The woman says to her husband.

He replies with, "What are you crazy?? I'm not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."

[Ed Palmer]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....PROMISE! Well, the hours passed away quickly, and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3:00 am, drunk as a skunk, I arrived home and just as soon as I got in the front door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized that she would probably wake up, so I cuckood another 9 times! I was really proud of my accomplishment! Having such a snappy, witty solution to avoid a possible severe conflict with the wife. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got home. I said "At midnight, like I promised". She didn't seem disturbed at all. "Got away with that one" I thought to my brilliant self. Then she said that we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, " Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****', cuckooed four more times, cleared its' throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, then cuckooed twice more, then farted".

[thedrifter]

Saving For Marriage

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told the young man that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"

[bigalholmes165]

.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Ron



EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

.

[thedrifter]

Top 10: Worst Pickup Lines Ever



10. I'm a virgin, so you don't have to worry about catching anything.

9. Baby, when you walked in the door, I damn near grew a third leg.

8. Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?

7. Your butt is so nice it's just a shame you have to sit on it.

6. You look like a hooker I once knew in Reno.

5. I’m here - what were your other two wishes?

4. My name is Bill and I'm conducting a poll... in my pants.

3. I've had quite a bit to drink and you're beginning to look pretty good.

2. How would you like your eggs for breakfast: scrambled, boiled or fertilized?"

1. Can I have your phone number after we have sex?

[thedrifter]

I´m Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[thedrifter]

He Said, She Said

He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there.

[thedrifter]

What Men are Like

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

[thedrifter]

New Tax

he only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is ****ed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals? - What if one's penis is self employed? - Do multiple partners count as a corporation? - Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? - Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

[thedrifter]

With the Babysitter

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". The babysitter says "Really? ok". They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok".

Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" The boy says "That wasn't my finger either."

[thedrifter]

At Any Drugstore

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[thedrifter]

At the Military Base

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

[thedrifter]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the
medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr. Tang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take
off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get
down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,
the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to
me." As she did, Dr. Tang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem
vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."


The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Tang what is Ed
Zachary disease?" Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed
Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your
ass."

[Phantom Blooper]

A small town patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting." :banana: :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all
sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure' preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[Ed Palmer]

think positive

Midland, TX. City Councilman Ejected From Studio

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio - but to a thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say":


"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"

[ringoffire]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine
kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you
put a piece of rubber at the end of

your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Phantom Blooper]

New Mexico Barbie Dolls:




Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls
for the New Mexico market:

Tanoan Albq Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at out-of-state Fashion Centers since
there is no High-end shopping in the entire state.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a semi- custom dream house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic ex-husband
Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.

Rio Rancho Barbie:
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan
and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time
occupation or secondary education. Traffic- jamming cell phone sold
separately. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target.

Espanola Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78
El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit.
This model is Only available after dark and can only be bought with
cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know
what you are talking about.

Northeast Heights Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or
HummerH2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and
country Club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private
School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early
80's.

Moriarty Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six- pack of Coors
Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick
mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk.
Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper
sticker absolutely free. Available at Super Wal-mart.

Los Lunas Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
Beer-Gut Ken out of Belen Barbie's (discontinued) house.
Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,
strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top.
Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal- Mart.
Cheap.

Corrales Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard
print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at
the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two
alimony checks. Also cheap.

West Side Albuquerque Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his
'79 Caddy where available, but are now very difficult to find since the
addition of the infant.

Santa Fe Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Ruidoso Barbie:
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We
don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on
business. Ruidoso Barbie aspires to become Tanoan Barbie. Not cheap,
but still very naive.

South Valley Albuquerque Barbie:
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor.
Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his
left hand. Green cards are not yet available for South Valley Barbie or
Ken. Available at Food City.

Silver City Barbie/Ken"
These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't
have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change,
and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good
ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen
in Barbie Grocery Store (soldseparately) arguing over prices.
Available at the doctor's office


Las Cruces Barbie:
Into basketball and marijuana and green chile. Dropped out of NM State.
Does nothing but complain about any Albuquerque Barbie :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?”

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
The cop asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

"I'll be damned---My girlfriend's gone, too

[Phantom Blooper]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale,
"Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Keep an open mind



Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel

and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next

door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop

that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and

stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800

dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back

upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband

says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story : - If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to

prevent avoidable exposure.





Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing

her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After

controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing

gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the

flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his

arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go

forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story : - If you are not well informed in your job, you

might miss a great opportunity.




Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"

says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,

without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says

the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my

personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my

life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: - Always let your boss have the first say.




Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: -

"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and

rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story : - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting very high up.




Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well,

why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed

with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave

him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,

after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of

the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story: - Bull_ _ _ _ might get you to the top, but it won't

keep you there.

[Ed Palmer]

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

[Old Marine]

Little boy was walking down the street and ran into the town preacher. The preacher had a jar under his arm so the little boy ask "Whats in the jar Preach", the Preacher said Holy Water and went on to say that he had put some of the Holy Water on a womans stomach and she passed a baby. The Preacher noticed a jar under the arm of the little boy and asked "What's in your jar". The boy replied that he had a jar of acid and that he had put some on a cats azz and the cat passed a motorcycle.

[Phantom Blooper]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.

"Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!




:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Wichitasig5.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

An Old Couple Find Each Other
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

[Ed Palmer]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat

and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly

removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing

vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while

you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting

the toilet seat by simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut

yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing

the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,

will prevent you from rolling over and going back to

sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of

laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a

hammer and you will forget about the toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of

life really are:



You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it

doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it

shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Remember:



Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.



If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get

another chance.



And finally, be really nice to your family and

friends; you never know when you might need them to

empty your bedpan

[Phantom Blooper]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[thedrifter]

Stop and Think!
How old is Grandma???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail ! 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed, !

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!


This Woman would be only 59 years old!

[Ed Palmer]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".

[Phantom Blooper]

President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Mr Bush and Mr Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says,"Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze...


1st Hillbilly:


" My wife sure is stupid !!!..She bought an air conditioner..."





2nd Hillbilly: " Why is that stupid ??"





1st Hillbilly: " We ain't got no 'lectricity !!"





2nd Hillbilly:


"That's nothin' !!!!! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines !"





1st Hillbilly: " why is that so stupid ?"





2nd Hillbilly: " cause we ain't got no plummin'!"





3rd Hillbilly:


"that ain't nuthin' ! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!

[thedrifter]

The "New Rules"

New Rule 1:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn!

New Rule 2:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule 3:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
"Lucky little bastards".

New Rule 4:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule 5:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 6:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket and it costs more than gasoline for crying out loud. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let the ice
melt. Now you've got some decent, flavored water.

New Rule 7:
Stop ****ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule 8:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh buddy, you're huge *******.

New Rule 9:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.Paper, plastic? Who gives a **** - put it in a bag so I can get out of here.

New Rule 10:
Just because your tattoo is a butterfly with Chinese characters under it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your left tit and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule 11:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, ompetitive farting?

Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule 12:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule 13:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 14:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule 15:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 16:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months" - "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

[thedrifter]

NEW ENLISTMENT OATHS

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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