Chuckles of the Day...

[Joseph P Carey]

Yes, Gunny! I guess this gives a whole new meaning to 'Fits like a glove'!

[GySgtRet]

Yes it does. I didn't think about it that way...!!!

[Joseph P Carey]

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[Joseph P Carey]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

[Ed Palmer]

OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE



HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS, DDS, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM,...OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BIxTCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[GySgtRet]

Ed,

I loved this one as I do most of your jokes. I sent it to a friend of mine and she called me laughing so hard I couldn't understand her..


Semper Fidelis

[ringoffire]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

[Ed Palmer]

This is for all of you Ford owners out there

I may have posted this before
http://y.wimp.com/v/inches.wmv

[GySgtRet]

OMG That was good. I have seen this on TV before but never have looked at it in that way before.

Semper Fidelis:banana:

[Joseph P Carey]

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?"

The boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police Officer.

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001001c5d51b9f3d11a0d3286744you.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.”
“What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man.

“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

“She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?”

“Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”

[Ed Palmer]

Great Picture of the CN tower in Toronto


You can imagine what it took to build the beautiful TOWER!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/APictureoftheCNSerinToronto.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

what are you looking at?

[Ed Palmer]

Horse auction


The little cowboy attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched
as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down
the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few
minutes, the little
cowboy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. "

The little cowboy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I
think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

[Ed Palmer]

Cake Or Bed
>
> >
>
> >a Husband Is At Home Watching A
>
> >football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
> >
>
> >honey,
>
> >could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
>
> >it's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
>
> >
>
> >he Look At Her And Says Angrily,
>
> >fix The Lights Now?
>
> >does It Look Like I Have
>
> >ge Written On My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So.
>
> >
>
> >fine,
>
> >
>
> >then The Wife Asks,
>
> >well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
>
> >it Won't Close Right
>
> >
>
> >to Which He Replied,
>
> >fix The Fridge Door?
>
> >does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
>
> >written On My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So
>
> >
>
> >fine, She Says
>
> >then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
>
> >to The Front Door?
>
> >they Are About To Break.
>
> >
>
> >i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
>
> >want To Fix Steps.
>
> >he Says, Does It Look Like I Have
>
> >ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So.
>
> >i've Had Enough Of You.
>
> >i'm Going To The Bar!!!!
>
> >
>
> >so He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
>
> >couple Of Hours....................................
>
> >
>
> >he Starts To Feel Guilty About How
>
> >he Treated His Wife, And Decides
>
> >to Go Home
>
> >
>
> >as He Walks Into The House He Notices
>
> >that The Steps Are Already Fixed.
>
> >
>
> >as He Enters The House, He Sees The
>
> >hall Light Is Working.
>
> >
>
> >as He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
>
> >the Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
> >
>
> >honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
>
> >she Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
>
> >outside And Cried.
>
> >
>
> >just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
>
> >what Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
>
> >
>
> >he Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
>
> >all I Had To Do Was Either
>
> >go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
>
> >
>
> >he Said,
>
> >so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
>
> >
>
> >she Replied,
>
> >hellooooo...
>
> >do You See Betty Crocker Written
>
> >on My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So!
>

[Ed Palmer]

Redneck Christmas lights


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/REDNECKCHRISTMASLIGHTS.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping she shook her head “No”.
He asked “Kin ya breathe?”
Still gasping she again shook her head “No”.
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver never fails!”

[Joseph P Carey]

Sometimes the law is hard to understand, and it is made more so difficult by attorneys and subjects like the following. Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the courtroom. Perhaps this will help you understand why lawyers are the way they are.

1.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2.
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3.
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5.
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6.
"Did he kill you?"

7.
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8.
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9.
"How many times have you committed suicide?"

10.
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11.
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12.
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13.
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14.
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15.
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16.
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17.
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18.
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19.
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

[Joseph P Carey]

One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?"

The Husband answers "They're roping"

"I see" replies the bride.

After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!"

She replies "Oh ,I see."

Finally they arrive at their hotel. They washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies.

The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?"

"Thats is my rope." he answers.

She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?"

"They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?"

The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

[thedrifter]

B I T C HOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a *****.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a *****.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a *****.

Being a ***** means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It
means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am
defined as a *****.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a ***** , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Ellie

[Joseph P Carey]

It was WWII, and the US Army was fighting in the North African Desert. There was this Private who just got sent to the Sahara Desert for his tour of duty. Once he was over there for a while he began to get real horney. He went to see the captain in the CP tent. He told the captain that he really needed a woman.

The captain told him he could use the camel in the other tent.

The guy said, "Thanks but no thanks I'll just wait."

So he went on about his business. A few weeks went by and the need for a woman returned even more prominent than before. He headed back to the captains tent to talk to him about it again.

The captain then said the same thing concerning the use of the camel.

The guy declined again and again left the captains tent feeling very bad.

A few more weeks go by and the guy just cant take it anymore. He heads back to the captains tent fully intending to use the camel as the captain had offered twice before. He walks in and tells the captain that he'll take the camel and then asks where it is?

The captain and his friend show the guy to the tent where the camel is being kept.

The guy sizes up the camel trying to figure out just how hes going to do this. All the while the captain and his friend stand behind the curtain and watch. The guy climbs up on the camels back and takes his dick out and stick it in and begins to have sex with the camel.

He then hears loud peels of laughter coming from the other side of the curtain.

He yells for the captain and the captain comes out. The guy asks, "Whats so funny?"

The captain looks at his friend and chokes out, "... most guys just get on the camel and ride it into town."

[Ed Palmer]

Prize Gorilla

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[Ed Palmer]

Job Candidate Has Annoying Facial Tic

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a box of aspirin

[Ed Palmer]

"Union Worker"
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

[Ed Palmer]

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[Joseph P Carey]

A drunk man in a bar asks the bartender where the bathroom was.

The bartender gives the man directions to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream from out of the bathroom and wonders what the Hell is going on in there.

A few more minutes go by and, again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the bathroom.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well, no wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Ed Palmer]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[Ed Palmer]

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.“

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks up at him and says, “ is money all you people think about?”

[Joseph P Carey]

Top 20 things to do in a drive-thru to really make them know you are an arsehole!

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"

12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

[Ed Palmer]

Top 10: Excuses For Turning Down A Date
Oct 24 2005


10. That sounds great. This will give me a chance to tell you about my thoughts on the Apocalypse. Say, did you know we are in the last days?

9. I would rather not ruin our friendship.

8. My therapist has advised me not to get involved with anyone during anger management sessions.

7. Sorry, can't tonight. I'm watching the Martha Stewart Story on Lifetime channel.

6. My ex just got out of drug rehab and I want to be there for her. You know, in case she wants to give our love a second chance.

5. Sounds Okay. Can Bruce come with us?

4. Tonight's no good. I'm having a wrinkle reduction, skin exfoliation, and micro derm abrasion on my face. I promised myself I wouldn't cancel it this month.

3. Oh sorry, I need to take my dog in to be - uh - neutered.

2. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon is on tonight.

1. I was actually going to do a little Internet research on erectile dysfunction. Maybe after that?

[Ed Palmer]

Two mailmen are standing on the sidewalk chatting after finishing their routes when one notices a slug crawling by. In a rage he stomps on the poor creature.

“That was cruel,” says the other mailman. “Why’d you do that?”

He replies, angrily, “That son of a ***** has been following me all day!”

[Ed Palmer]

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[Ed Palmer]

What Shakespeare Really Meant
By Scott Roeben

William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.


Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.


Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

[Joseph P Carey]

Ed,

You failed to translate one:
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.

We were always better when we were younger, least wise of what we said we were!

[Ed Palmer]

Real (Strange) Sex Laws
They're surprising. They're baffling. And, often, they're downright stupid. These laws about sex and sexuality defy explanation.


In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.


In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

"Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law.

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones.

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways.

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception—prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.


An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.


There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover may be killed in any manner desired.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification."

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.

In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex. The same law does'nt apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

Sodomy laws have been repealed—or are ignored—in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home.

An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if they're nude.


An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.


In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude, nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job—for men only—called a corset inspector.)

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while frolicking behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, the couple can face a jail term.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio—the thinking is that a man might see the reflection of something he shouldn't.

Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores—with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

In Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians. Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers.

Maine licenses condom sellers and the license must always be on public display.

Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

[Joseph P Carey]

One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father. "Father I called a man a son of a B!tch. can I be forgiven."

The father then replied, "What did he do to you?"

She retold the story. "I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabed my ass."

The preist interupts and grabs her ass and says "Like this?"

She says "yes, just like that!"

The priest replies, "Well that is no reason to call him a son of a *****."

So she went on, "Then he grabed my breast. Is it ok now?"

"Like this?" Said the priest as he grabbed her breast.

"Yes, just like that. Is it ok now?"

"No!" replied the priest.

She then proceeded. "Then he stuck his dick in my pussy."

"Like this?" Replied the priest, as he stuck his dick in her pussy.

"Yes! Oh Yes! Just like that!" She said. "Is it ok now?"

"No, that is still no reason to call him a son of a *****."

She then told him the last part. "Then he told me he had herpies."

The priest replied, "Why that son of a B!tch!"

[yellowwing]

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
Gee-Bill was telling the truth! Kenneth Starr could have saved alot of time and trouble if he had known this statute.

[Future-USMC-LT]

Gee-Bill was telling the truth! Kenneth Starr could have saved alot of time and trouble if he had known this statute.

What about the use of a cigar??:banana: :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/mallparking.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/mastercard.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/stealcar.htm

[yellowwing]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

[Joseph P Carey]

What the Seven Thousand Seven Hundred Thrity Four (7734) is she talking about, Wing?

[Ed Palmer]

Its probaly that hot place you are going to if you keep talking like that

[Ed Palmer]

When you have to go, be careful where you pull off the road.

I am sure glad that Jack isnt after Me. because it looks like he has something on his mind and it sure aint lunch.

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/donkey.htm

[ringoffire]

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was "Best
Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the
process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

[GySgtRet]

ringoffire,

Dang. I wonder if he is married and what his wife thinks...???

How embarrasing...

:mad:

[GySgtRet]

Ed,

I bet the next time this guy has to make a head call he is very selective as to where he chooses...That thang wanted some of that...LOL:D

[Ed Palmer]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

[Ed Palmer]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Ed Palmer]

A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback.
The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

[Ed Palmer]

Two gay guys are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of the guys looks at the other guy’s penis and notices there’s a Nicoderm patch on it. He turns to the other guy and says, “I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.”
“It’s working just fine,” the other guy replies, “I’m down to 2 butts a day.”

[thedrifter]

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight

So in the mail today I got the Christmas Victoria Secret catalogue (NO!! *that* is not why, and NO, I didn't do that with it either...).

While I'm distracted doing the work I brought home with me on the computer (on a friday no less, already losing some points with the wife), my wife is flipping through the catalogue and walks over to me, points at one of the pictures, and says, "hey, her abs look just like mine!"

Now, what followed was obviously a blatant act of war and was pretty darn stupid on my part. Without even looking at the catalogue, I continue staring at my screen and say (while joking of course, but without the intended tone, not that ANY tone could have saved me), "wha? The fat one?"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am sleeping on the couch tonight.

Ellie
Suicidal or just not very bright?

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/57show1.gif

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fxcking ass.”

Just then, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s OK,” she said, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m go lose my fxcking car.”

[Ed Palmer]

Something every one should consider
SAFE SEX
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/safesex.gif

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image002.gifif you keep visiting the X rated sites you could wind up like Spiderman

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/spiderman.jpg

Think about this before you say anything

[Ed Palmer]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack.



"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"



Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"



The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."



In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"



The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."



This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.



Dopey turns back and says, "Your Holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"



"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."



The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......



"Dopey screwed a penguin!"...... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"......

[thedrifter]

Scratch Where it Itches !
The Morning Paper (Trick or Treat edition) | 10/31/05

Scratch Where it Itches

I

There was a gal named Ida Mae :
When she was seventeen,
She went to Atlantic City
To become a Beauty Queen.

She could sing just like an Angel,
An’ her figger shore did please-
But then she started scratchin’
Like an ol’ houn’ dog with fleas !

Chorus

Scratch where it itches-
Right down in yer britches;
Scratch where it itches-
An’ not where it looks the best !

II

Oh, it musta been contagious ,
Or somethin’ in the air –
‘Cause all of them Contestants
Started itchin’ everywhere !

They had to stop the Pageant :
All the Judges hollered “Whoa !”
When lovely Miss America
Scratched herself from head to toe !

Chorus

Scratch where it itches-
Right down in yer britches;
Scratch where it itches-
An’ not where it looks the best !

III

There’s a moral to this story-
Now that we’ve had our fun :
Folks are pretty much the same
After all is said and done.

There’s times you can’t be subtle-
When you gotta be direct:
When you gotta scratch even though it ain’t
Politically correct !

Chorus

You gotta scratch where it itches :
Right down in your britches-
You gotta scratch where it itches,
An’ not where it looks the best !

Ellie

[thedrifter]

25 ways to tell if you're a Redneck

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

[thedrifter]

New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger!

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're GAY. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that waterytaste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on aisle nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands, and I want to do it for free.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

[Ed Palmer]

Mr. Brown visits his doctor for his annual checkup. “I need stool, urine, and sperm samples,” says the doctor.

The old man thinks for a moment and then says, “Will my underwear do?”

[Joseph P Carey]

For you guys that are starting your families off at a young age, and you have very young daughters that will someday be dating gentlemen like yourselves, please allow me to introduce Ten rules you should inform young men of when they stick their pimple faced heads in the front door of your home to see one of your daughters. I have had three daughters; two of them have married very well, and the last is still with me. The rules work.

10 simple rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything else up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Chu Lai, and when my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window with the bright white teeth showing clearly in the moon night like the grin of death itself is mine.

For some reason, the fellows that returned for the second time were thought better of than those that never returned at all, or of those that moved and left no forwarding address never to be seen again.

[Joseph P Carey]

A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on "Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.

"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's round and red."

Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a cherry?" she inquired.

"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way you think."

Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"

"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.

"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way you think."

A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.

Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Dukie, that's obscene, sit down."

"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

[Ed Palmer]

IF CONDOMS HAD SPONSORS
Oh my goodness this gives a new meaning to mental imaging!!!!

Naughty, I know, but I had to pass this one on...





If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged like these:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000e01c5e1431998cd30d3286744you.jpghttp://[img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000801c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpghttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000a01c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpg


(continued)

[Ed Palmer]

(contiued) If condoms had sponsors

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000b01c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000c01c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000d01c5e1431998cd30d3286744you.jpg[/IMG]

Sad! Very, very sad
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

[Ed Palmer]

A Teamsters boss goes to a convention in Las Vegas for a few days.
One night he goes out to a brothel.

Like a good union man, he asks the madam if it's a union shop.

"No", she says.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $20 and the house gets $80".

"Pahh! " he says, and walks off to find another brothel.

He asks the next madam "Are you a union shop?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $80 and the house gets $20".

That's more to his liking, so he gives her $100 and says "I'd like that pretty young blond girl right there", pointing to his choice.

The madam puts the money in her pocket, points to an 85-year old woman, and says to him: "I'm sure you would, but Ethel here has seniority."

[Ed Palmer]

How to give a Kennedy a pill.
1) Put pill on table when he's not looking.
2) Ask out loud if he's seen the Valium you dropped.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/jmk.gif


Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave


SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave


DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave


BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave


CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave


SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave


AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave


NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave


A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave


AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave


BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave


THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave


CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

And my all time favorite:


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories?

[thedrifter]

A Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Texan asked
for a whiskey and soda which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen w hores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too... I didn't know we had a choice."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/107288.gif




No matter what you do wrong someday it will come back to bite you in the butt

[thedrifter]

NEW MATH

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Ellie

[Since1775]

To all the kids who were born in the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were o.k.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms...We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given bb guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And you are one of them! Congratulations!



Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

[Phantom Blooper]

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 150 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 150 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder dresses and then
chases
after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the
apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after

I saw how short the fuse was."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.”

“You son of a *****!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”

[Ed Palmer]

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[Ed Palmer]

A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."

He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"

[Ed Palmer]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate."

[Joseph P Carey]

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"

Becky replied, "The darn fool! . . . He's peeing in the fridge again!"

[Ed Palmer]

Sex No Substitute for Wild Sex Say Relationship Experts


Las Vegas - Speakers at the annual meeting of the American Society of Sexologists that was held last week in Las Vegas all seem to be in agreement about one thing: ordinary sex is no substitute for infarction-inducing orgiastic wild sex.
“Couples are literally f***ing themselves to death with the type of boring sex one associates with marriage and long-term relationships,” said Dr. Farley Walters, director of the Mayo Clinic’s Sexual Dysfunction Clinic and author of the best-selling book “Hump Your Way Back to Good Health.”

“This whole monogamy thing that so many people seem to be hung up on is causing all the problems,” said Dr. Walters. “You keep on year after year doing the wild thang with the same person and after while you get so bored that you just want to die. And your body responds by just shutting down.”

Dr. Walters then went on to show that statistically speaking, the healthiest and longest living demographic sector in the United States are Catholic priests in the Boston Diocese. “We couldn’t figure out why Boston Diocese priests were living on the average to the age of 95, well above the national average,” said Dr. Walters. “Spirituality didn’t seem to enter into the picture, because most of the priests we interviewed didn’t believe in God in the first place. Ruling out all other factors, what became perfectly clear was that Boston Diocese priests are among the most sexually-active individuals in the world with an average of 132 sexual encounters per week, putting them just slightly behind 12-year prostitutes in Thailand. Clearly, unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners seems to be the Fountain of Youth. Of course, we emphasize that it’s safe unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners that is the key.”

[Ed Palmer]

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer—no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares?!?!?!

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No…

Satan: Ooooh…You’re gonna HATE Fridays.

[Joseph P Carey]

Sex No Substitute for Wild Sex Say Relationship Experts


Las Vegas - Speakers at the annual meeting of the American Society of Sexologists that was held last week in Las Vegas all seem to be in agreement about one thing: ordinary sex is no substitute for infarction-inducing orgiastic wild sex.
“Couples are literally f***ing themselves to death with the type of boring sex one associates with marriage and long-term relationships,” said Dr. Farley Walters, director of the Mayo Clinic’s Sexual Dysfunction Clinic and author of the best-selling book “Hump Your Way Back to Good Health.”

“This whole monogamy thing that so many people seem to be hung up on is causing all the problems,” said Dr. Walters. “You keep on year after year doing the wild thang with the same person and after while you get so bored that you just want to die. And your body responds by just shutting down.”

Dr. Walters then went on to show that statistically speaking, the healthiest and longest living demographic sector in the United States are Catholic priests in the Boston Diocese. “We couldn’t figure out why Boston Diocese priests were living on the average to the age of 95, well above the national average,” said Dr. Walters. “Spirituality didn’t seem to enter into the picture, because most of the priests we interviewed didn’t believe in God in the first place. Ruling out all other factors, what became perfectly clear was that Boston Diocese priests are among the most sexually-active individuals in the world with an average of 132 sexual encounters per week, putting them just slightly behind 12-year prostitutes in Thailand. Clearly, unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners seems to be the Fountain of Youth. Of course, we emphasize that it’s safe unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners that is the key.”

Sorry Ed, My girlfriend for the last 19 years read this, and she said I would die a lot sooner than 95, if I took their advice in this matter.

[Joseph P Carey]

Ah! An old one that deserves to be retold.

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

[Ed Palmer]

:banana:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000f01c5e6594ae7f300d3286744you.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
US Border Patrol to Provide Bus Service Across Mexico Border
10/17/2005 - Tad Hayworth

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The US Border Patrol, fed up with the expense of placing water stations in desert border areas, has decided to provide 7 bus lines to ferry the illegal immigrant across the US-Mexico border. "Frankly, we weren't satisfied with the level of safety and ease of illegal immigration, even with water and shade stations," says El Paso Chief Luis Woofer, "Illegal entry into the US may be a crime but it is not so serious that we should risk immigrants being harmed. We decided to strive for a higher standard of comfort and safety for illegal immigrants."
"They call that comfort?" asks Berkley professor Alan Gonzales-Rabinowitz, "I took one of these buses while investigating the US Border Patrol policy and I found them uncomfortable, smelly, and impossible to sleep on."

"We realize there are some issues with the buses," responded Woofer, "But our budget doesn't allow for individually controlled climate. We keep the buses at exactly 73 degrees. The Patrol is also looking at switching to buses fueled by LPG, or natural gas. LPG is both better for the environment and devoid of the unpleasant diesel odor. In the long run, it will be cheaper as well, and we plan to use the money saved to provide full dining service instead of the sack lunches we now provide."

"Of course that only addresses part of the problem," says Gonzales-Rabinowitz, "These immigrants often have to travel for days to even get to the bus depots on the Mexican side. If the US Border Patrol really wanted to help, they would provide complete door-to-door transportation."

[Rob Parry]

Royal Marine Rescues Doe.

http://www.abdn.ac.uk/mammal/images/RSPA.mpeg

[Joseph P Carey]

Thank you Ed, I think I am off of donuts now!

[Ed Palmer]

One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.
Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

“Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied.

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?”

“Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

[Phantom Blooper]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the
seven?dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf

nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and?answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey,?there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf
nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
in?the world."


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing,
pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin
chanting:




"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[Phantom Blooper]

One day a first grade teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a
Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from
your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly a little girl at the back of the room, yelled, "Spit it
out! It's a piece of Ass!"

[Ed Palmer]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE.........

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were peopl! e in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.


Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT.......................

[Ed Palmer]

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

[Ed Palmer]

The house of ill repute... Doors!



A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:



"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

[Ed Palmer]

One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares she’s filing a sexual harassment suit.

“Come on,” says the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?”

“He’s a f*cking midget!”

[Ed Palmer]

Whats the main reason for motorcycle accidents in Jamaicia

Check out the following pictures

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_011301c5e9e8374a0710d3286744you.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_011501c5e9e8374a0710d3286744you.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_011401c5e9e8374a0710d3286744you.jpg


Did you see it nobody is wearing a helmet

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/jmk.gif
Yesterday I got my Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Polygrip.gifhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/prepH.gif

Now I talk like an azzhole ...

but my gums don't itch!

[Ed Palmer]

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married.
So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment
to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month. That should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, I have to admit, we've been lucky so far."

[carroll1972]

Texas Preacher

The Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and that a Christian community cannot tolerate.

"I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from
God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simpy told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. "

The preacher FAINTED!.

[Phantom Blooper]

When a woman wears leather

clothing, ..........

a man's heart beats

quicker, his throat gets dry,

he goes weak

in the knees

and he begins

to think irrationally.





Ever wonder why?



*


*


*


*


*


Because she smells like a new truck.
:banana:

[thedrifter]

There's Something about a Gunny . . . .

One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.

When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.

They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.

At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.

The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.

The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant's conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.

At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.

[thedrifter]

Military Life, In Their Own Words

"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."

"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges."
Maj (CENTCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'"
Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about .."
Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it."
LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'"
GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..."
MAJ (JS)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule."
CWO4 (EUCOM)

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot."
LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..."
GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute."
MAJ(EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the hell out of 'em."
CDR (CENTCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..."
MAJ (USAREUR)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams."
Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..."
LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..."
LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "Its no problem," he means, for him."
Maj (EUCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..."
MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of ****ed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..."
MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?"
CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc.
COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies.

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..."
Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?"
LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words."
LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!"
CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..."
Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"Never pet a burning dog."
LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..."
LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...]

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'"
Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..."
MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6."
Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career."
MAJ (JS)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
LTC (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness."
LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted."
DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks."
Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer."
MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain."
CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."
LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."
LTC (CENTCOM)

"They also serve, who sit and surf the NIPR."
CPT (CENTCOM)

"I hear so much about Ft. Bragg. Where is it?"
"It's in the western part of southeastern North Carolina."
LCDR and CPT (EUCOM)

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a sh_t, and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment they walk away."
Flag-level Executive Assistant

"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday."
LTC (EUCOM)

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..."
GS-14 (OSD)

"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."
GS-12 (DOS)

"If I'd had more time, I'da written a shorter brief..."
Maj (EUCOM)

"I work at EUCOM. I know bullsh_t when I see it."
LTC (EUCOM) in a game of office poker

"You only know as much as you don't know."
GO (EUCOM)

"I'm just livin' the dream..."
EUCOM staffer response to the question, "How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say."
LTC (EUCOM)

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?"
GS-14 (EUCOM)

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a very good reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit."
LTC (CENTCOM)

"It was seen, ..visually."
LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..."
"This should be a short conversation."
Lt Col to Lt Col (EUCOM)

"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?"
GS-15 (DSCA) in an email to EUCOM staffers

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)

"Your Key Issues are so 2003..."
CPT (CJTF-180) in January 2004

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history.

When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."
Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there are currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT (CJTF-180)

"That's FUBIJAR."
COL (CENTCOM) [Fu--ed Up, But I'm Just a Reservist... ]

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!"
GO/FO (CENTCOM)

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?"
LTC (EUCOM) preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form

"I'd be happy to classify this document for you. Could you tell me its classification?"
GS11 (EUCOM) in an email from the Foreign Disclosure office

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..."
LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..."
LTC (EUCOM)

"I have to know what I don't know..."
Col (CENTCOM) during a shift changeover briefing

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..."
Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM

"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..."
LT (EUCOM) midway through a huge, simulated command exercise

"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today."
Maj (EUCOM) after listening to a JFCOM trainer/mentor

"We've got to start collaborating between the collaboration systems."

"Our plan for the Olympics is to take all the ops and put it in the special room we have developed for ops."
GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Did you hear that NPR is canning Bob Edwards?"
"Why? Did they catch him standing up for the National Anthem or something?"
COL to CDR (EUCOM)

"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative."
CDR (EUCOM) in an email response to a request for information

"He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology."
Lt Col JFCOM describing the Jiffiecom alpha male

"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed, dispirited and disillusioned..."
Chaplain (EUCOM), allegedly.

"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers."
GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?"
MAJ (EUCOM)

[thedrifter]

Joint Rules for the Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps Game

The Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 2005 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament:

Recently the Pentagon announced new rules for the annual Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament. It is now known that fully integrated teams will take to the gridiron only after negotiating the following:

1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs of Staff deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty. Second, touching another player today -- even the congratulatory pat on the behind -- is court-martial bait.

2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous "throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns the long-range air attack mission.

3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.

4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should be avoided.

5. To promote inter-service cooperation, all teams were ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.

The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line.

The Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan called for players -- each called a ball "carrier" -- to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a roaming "presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.

The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.

The Air Force's "Field-Wide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, time outs, halftime, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.

After examining each team's playbook the Secretary of Defense ruled that none was suitable, leaving each service to its own devices.

The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field at all. Instead, its players patrolled up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches. Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined; and, three, the president would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.

The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7 billion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space.

Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing field and declared themselves the winners.

And there was joy in Mudville.

You may wonder why the Coast Guard didn't participate in the game. Well, the Coast Guard originally suggested a game plan which would save tons of money by using a 35 year old football (painted white with a red stripe, for easy identification on the field); they would also play with hand-me-down uniforms from the Navy. Then, in order to economize, the Coast Guard proposed to play with only six players who would act as both offense, defense, first, second and third string. In order to provide value for service, these same six players would also sell concessions at halftime and sweep the stadium after the game. If asked, the Coast Guard players would also wipe the game ball for the Navy between plays. In order to reflect the right proportions of the smallest U.S. military force, four players would be designated quarterbacks, two as wide receivers, and one as left tackle. Oops, forgot they'd only field six players: forget the tackle.

However, the Coast Guard never made it to the game because Secretary Rumsfeld said the Coast Guard couldn't win on their own; the Coast Guard was told to confine play to the practice field from now on.

Little does the Secretary know the Coast Guard managed to sneak the six players in to the game anyway: dressed as cheerleaders!

[Ed Palmer]

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.
“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”

[Ed Palmer]

One day a man lying out on the beach gets so badly sunburned that he has to go to the hospital.
“Doc, you gotta help me,” says the man. “It hurts like hell when anything touches my body.”

“OK,” says the doctor. “I’m going to give you some skin cream and a prescription for Viagra.”

“Viagra…what for?” asks the man.

“It’ll keep the sheets off your legs.”

[Phantom Blooper]

87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself. Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them.

After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp.

As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.

At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"

"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf
:banana: :banana:


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment - normally, one club and two
balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and
keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to the hole.


6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as is necessary until
the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will
normally take time to admire the whole course being played, with
special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or
are currently playing, to the owner of the course
being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players'
equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring along rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a course is being played
for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate
if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all
time. Some players may be embarrassed to find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.


Fore !!

[Ed Palmer]

The Job



At the end of a deserted bar in downtown
Atlanta sat a huge black man.

He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the
courage to say a few words to the big black man.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered,
"Would you like a nice blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire
in his eyes, and smacked the shxt out of the gay man,
knocking him off his stool. He proceeded to
beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving
him bruised and battered in the parking lot.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over
another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never
seen you react like that.
What did he say to you to make you so mad?"
"I don't know," the black man replied.

"Something about a job."

[Ed Palmer]

"Happy Thanksgiving"

Divorcing After 45 Years -- An old man in Phoenix
calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Pop, what are you talking
about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the old man
said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes
on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce,"
she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams
at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to
his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for
Thanksgiving.., and paying their own way."

[Ed Palmer]

One winter morning in Pennsylvania a couple was listening to the
> radio
> > > while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are
> going to
> > > have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
> > > even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
> through."
> > > Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
> > >
> > > A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio
> announcer
> > > said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
> park
> your
> > > car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
> get
> > > through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
> > >
> > > The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio
an!
> nouncer
> > > said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
> park
> ..."
> > > Then the electric power went off.
> > >
> > > Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face
> she
> > > said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
> do I
> need
> > > to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
> > >
> > > With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
> married
> > > to blondes exhibit, Norman said ... "Why don't you just leave it
> in the
> > > garage this time.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/CID__image001.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
“Who was that?” asks the husband.

“I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

[ringoffire]

Thanksgiving...
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[yellowwing]

The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
LMAO! With experience comes the guile to get the job done!

[ringoffire]

Oops, sorry Ed Palmer, I didn't get a chance to read thru all the posts
before I sent in the same joke. Won't happen again.
It was funny.

[rb1651]

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take you vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as your can.

---OR---

Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it...when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because it kills germs. So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona, (fruit), and celery in my Bloody Mary. (veggies).

Drink outdoors on the bar patio. (fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh. (eliminate stress)

Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!! My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the a**!"

:banana: :banana: :banana:

Ron

[Ed Palmer]

The amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

[Phantom Blooper]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

[Ed Palmer]

A Love Poem

I will seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
*The Flu*

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[thedrifter]

A young man went to confession:
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary. Go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."

[thedrifter]

"Yeah right"

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of the flirtatious sort, so he thought he had to try to get her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said:

"Well I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.

We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don' know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped... "Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing" "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, Sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick"!

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed and said:

"Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied: "But you haven't seen what it can do yet." he pointed to a door and said: "Voodoo dick, the door!"

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it was not for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The businessman took it home to his wife, told her it was a very special dildo and to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy". He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to turn it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo on the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she had been drinking. Gasping twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The police officer looked at her for a second and then said:

"Yeah right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[thedrifter]

FIRST DAY AT THE NUDIST COLONY

man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for me?“
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it’s a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

[thedrifter]

ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS REVISED

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.



Man who stand on toilet high on pot.



It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!



Man who jizz in cash register come into money.



Man who drop watch in toilet have ****ty time.



Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.



Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.



Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.



Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.



Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.



Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.



Learn to masturbate--come in handy.



Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.



Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.



Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.



Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.



He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.



Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.



Better to be ****ed off than ****ed on.



He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.



Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.



Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.



Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.



Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.



Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.



Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.



Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.



He who run behind bus get exhausted.



Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.



Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.



He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.



Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.

[thedrifter]

BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers in headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headress.

"Me have only one squaw, so me only have one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was putting her on.

"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief, who had a headdress full of feathers.

"Me chief, me ****-em all."

"This is outrageous you ought to be hung!" a horrified Barbara Walters said.

"Damn right, me hung like buffalo."

"You don't have to be so damn hostile!" cried Barbara Walters.

"Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolf-style, any-style. Me ****-em all!"

"Oh dear!"

"No deer. *******s too high and run too fast. No ****-em deer."

[thedrifter]

150+ CONDOM SLOGANS

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12) If you go into heat, package your meat

13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis

14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse

15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18) The right selection, is to protect your erection

19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil

20) A crank with armor, will never harm her

21) If you really love her, wear a cover

22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake

23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

25) No glove, no love

26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye

27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver

28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax

29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the ****

30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown

31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam

32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed

33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink

34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground

35) Cloak the joker before you poke her

36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

37) Cape your throbber before you bob her

38) After detection sheath your erection

39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate

40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser

41) Cover that lumber before you pump her

42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle

43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle

44) House your noodle then release your strudel

45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey

47) Cage that snake then shake and bake

48) Cover your peter it will be much neater

49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore

50) It's always funky to cage your monkey

51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy

52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb

53) It's not much money to catch your honey

54) Don't be a fool cover your tool

55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch

56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche

57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive

59) Contain that sputum before you use him

60) Restrain your log then plow her bog

61) Glove your pecker before you check her

62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her

63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)

64) Cover old pete then grind her meat

65) Guard your peter before you meet her

66) Check your list before you tryst

67) Wrap your bate before you mate

68) Can your worm before you squirm

69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe

70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard

71) Bag the mole then do her hole

72) Cuff your carrot before you share it

73) Jail your number then call the plumber

74) Cover your vein then drive her insane

75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle

76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink

77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern

78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry

79) Wrap that spout then bore her out

80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain

81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >

82) Shroud your trout then make her shout

83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky

84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers

85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout

86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

87) Cover your steamer before you ream her

88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish

89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass

90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret

91) Clothe the boner before you hone her

92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!

93) Cork your pump or you don't hump

94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs

95) Dress that erection to make a deflection

96) Contain that shanker before you spank her

97) Cap that seeder before you breed her

98) Stop the stream before you cream

99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder

100) Protect your screw to catch that glue

101) Package your meat for a real neat treat

102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun

103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her

104) Garage the tractor then attack her

105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her

106) Sock that wanger before you bang her

107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser

108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good

109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke

110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate

111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate

112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates

113) Catch that goat before it bloats

114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen

115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her

116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk

117) Wrap that rod then please her bod

118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife

119) House that bottle then mash her throttle

120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash

121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

122) Can your knob then throb her swab

123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug

124) Cover your limb before you swim

125) Retain your bailer then impail her

126) Rope your dope then make some soap

127) Net your salamander then make salad in her

128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper

129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds

130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft

131) Cover your stone before you bone

132) House your hose then curl her toes

133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass

134) Blanket your twitch then hump that *****

135) Shield your rocks then pond her box

136) Cover old sly then do her dry

137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail

138) Glove your chimney before you come in me

139) If your nude tube your dude

140) Cloak your hitter then go split her

141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her

142) Can your spam then bam that mam

143) Corral your ram then slice her ham

144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver

145) Twist your wick then stick that prick

146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart

147) Shed old spot then do her slot

148) Drawer your pip then split her lips

149) Contain that leach then mash her peach

150) Bag your elm then take the helm

151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem

152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these

153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot

154) Survey your land then plant her stand

155) Before you drive her protect that diver

156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt

157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her

158) Cover you post then slice her roast

159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey

160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon

161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

[Ed Palmer]

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”

The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”

He says, “I’ll prove it.”

He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”

His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”

[Ed Palmer]

ode to ted kennedy

Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?"
That's how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He's a drunken S.O.B.

[thedrifter]

INVENTING A WOMAN

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "Yor 100% correct, my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Ed Palmer]

An man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/Whichcar.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/stealcar.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/lifeguard.htm

[Phantom Blooper]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

[SurferDave]

Three lil boys playing in the sand-box at school; bragging about their Daddies!
First lil boy says
"My Daddy is so fast...he's an Army Ranger, and gets off work at 5:00
Drives 25 miles and he's home by 5:15."
OOOO!
Second lil boy says
"Awh, that's nothin'...my Daddy's an Air Force F117 driver, gets off work at 5:00
Drives 50 miles and he's home by 5:10."
WOW!
Third lil boy says
"I got you all beat...my Daddy's a Gunny in the Marine Corps, he travels the world,
and never comes home on time."
Other two say
"That's not fast! Whataya talin' bout?"
Third lil boy
"Yeah, but when there's real trouble, my Daddy's ALWAYS the first to get there!"
Simper Fi.:evilgrin:

[Ed Palmer]

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable *******!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”

[thedrifter]

To My Dear Wife,

During The Last Year, I Have Tried To Make Love To You 365 Times. I Have Succeeded A Mere 36 Times, Which Is An Average Of Only Once Every 10 Days! I Have Gone To Considerable Effort To Prepare The Following Objective List Of Reasons Why I Did Not Succeed More Often, And Trust That You Will Seriously Address This Situation. The Sheets Are Clean - 54 Times
It's Too Late - 17 Times
I'm Too Tired - 49 Times
It's Too Early - 20 Times
It's Too Hot - 15 Times
Pretending To Be Asleep - 15 Times
The Neighbors Will Hear Us - 3 Times
Headache - 22 Times
Sunburn - 7 Times
Your Mother Will Hear Us - 9 Times
Not In The Mood - 43 Times
You'll Wake The Baby - 17 Times
Watching The Late Show - 6 Times
New Hairdo - 5 Times
Too Sore - 16 Times
Wrong Time Of The Month - 12 Times
Have To Get Up Early - 19 Times
Of The 36 Times I Did Succeed, The Activity Was Not Satisfactory Because 6 Times You Just Laid There, 8 Times You Reminded Me There Was A Crack In The Ceiling, 4 Times You Told Me To Hurry And Get It Over With, Seven Times I Had To Wake You Up To Tell You That I Had Finished, And Once I Was Afraid I Had Hurt You Because I Felt You Move.
Your Loving Husband

To My Dear Husband,
I Think You Have Gotten Things A Little Confused. Here Are The Real Reasons You Did Not Get More Than You Did.
Came Home Drunk And Tried To Screw The Cat - 5 Times
Did Not Come Home At All - 36 Times
Did Not Cum - 21 Times
Came To Soon - 33 Times
Went Soft Before You Got In - 19 Times
Toes In A Cramp - 10 Times
Working Too Late - 38 Times
Have To Get Up Early To Play Golf - 29 Times
In A Fight And Someone Kicked You In The Balls - 2 Times
Caught It In Your Zipper - 4 Times
Got A Cold And Your Nose Kept Running - 3 Times
Your Coffee Was Hot And You Burned Your Tongue - 3 Times
You Had A Splinter In Your Finger - 2 Times
Lost The Notion After Thinking About It All Day - 20 Times
Came In You Pajamas While Reading A Dirty Book - 6 Times
Too Busy Watching Football On Tv - 98 Times Of The Times We Did Get Together, The Reason I Laid Still Was Because You Missed And Were Screwing The Sheets. I Wasn't Talking About The Crack In The Ceiling, What I Said Was "would You Like Me On My Back Or Kneeling?" The Time You Felt Me Move Was Because You Farted And I Was Trying To Breathe.
Your Loving Wife

[thedrifter]

ROLL OUT THE BARREL...

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

[thedrifter]

THE CELIBACY TEST


Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

[thedrifter]

I married Miss Right

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[thedrifter]

Politically Correct Babe

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

[thedrifter]

Marriage



Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.
-----------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong
man."
------------------------
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know,
I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice."
-----------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."
-----------------------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and
said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
-----------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
-------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
----------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
-----------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
-----------------------
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it."
-----------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-----------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-----------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
-----------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
----------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want
to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
-------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.
--------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
--------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
---------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

[thedrifter]

Left vs Right

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.

[ringoffire]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

[Ed Palmer]

Its in Japaneese so leave the sound off and just watch.

Magic Practical Joker
Guy gets made up to look like he's old, and pranks the hell out of everyone.
Tags: cool, Japan, magic, prank, special effects, tricks

http://www.alldumb.com/item/14182/

[ringoffire]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[Ed Palmer]

A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried.

The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”

[Phantom Blooper]

The young man went to the doctor, complaining of an awful lisp. Giving him
a thorough examination, the doctor determined that his problem was the
size of his member: It was so large that it was actually pulling his
tongue off center.

Performing an emergency operation, the physician shortened the organ and
sent the man on his way. Several weeks later, the patient returned,
complaining that while his lisp was gone, his sex life had also gone down
the tubes, "I'd like my penis back," he said mournfully.

At this, the doctor looked him straight in the eye and said, "Thcrew you." :banana:

[thedrifter]

WAL-MART

Things I like to do at Wal-Mart while my spouse
is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s
carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say
"PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume
the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while;
and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Ed Palmer]

SH!T FACT



Ever wonder where the word SH!T comes from?

Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship.

In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only

became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is

methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could

(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone

came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this

manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure

were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to

"Ship High In Transit."

In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the

hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.

Neither did we.

We always thought it was a golf term.

[Ed Palmer]

SEX FACTS



In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal are
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/twoleggedhorse.jpgHere is a result of that act (a half axsed horse)


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

[Ed Palmer]

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to get some loving in. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, “What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous reply was, “Er, I masturbated with them.”

Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”

“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.

“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?” she asked.

“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

[Phantom Blooper]

Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy! Whoo hoo You're gonna love this.


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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa

[Phantom Blooper]

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother appears, and promised to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The
appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella
shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy
Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn
into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"


"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.

He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no
prince with that kind of power!

Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, something or other..." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck"

:chinese: :chinese:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom , "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
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Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

>
>
>
>
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Keep going on down.

>
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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

(Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes)

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!

:>)

[Ed Palmer]

A wild rabbit is captured and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape.

“I’m not sure,” says the lab rabbit. “This is the only home I know.”

“Come on,” insists the wild rabbit. “We’ll get laid all night long.”

The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.

As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, “I gotta get back to the lab.”

“Why?” asks the wild rabbit. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”

“Yeah, but I’m dying for a cigarette.”

[Nagalfar]

VERY SAD NEWS.
There will be no Live Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capital.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable, thanx to Al Gore, and John Kerry's can do attitude!

[ringoffire]

A Political Christmas!

Democrats say "Happy Holidays!" as to not offend people of other
religions.

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" because there is no such thing as a
Republican of another religion.

* * *

Republicans help the poor during the holidays
by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.

Democrats help the poor by giving $50,
one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

* * *

Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving
them fruitcakes.

Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

* * *

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts
on Christmas Eve.

Republicans make their kids wait
until Christmas morning.

* * *

When toasting the holidays,
Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.

Democrats ask for a "Bud."

* * *

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.

Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

* * *

Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and protest Wal-Mart's labor
practices. When no one is looking, they shop at Wal-Mart, too.

Republicans shop at Wal-Mart because it is patriotic to buy cheap
Chinese-made goods.

Neither shop at K-Mart. Poor Martha Stewart.

* * *

Republican parents have no problem
buying toy guns for their kids.

Democrats refuse to do so.
That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.

* * *

Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours
of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights
and Christmas displays.

Democrats save their time and money,
and drive around at night to look at
other people's lights.

* * *

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is
"Miracle on 34th Street."

Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is
"It's a Wonderful Life."

Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is
"Die Hard."

* * *

Republicans always take the price tag off
expensive gifts before wrapping.

Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts...
and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

* * *

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive
season.

Democrats do too, all year round.

* * *

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly
maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.

Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it
again.

* * *

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."

Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a
Reindeer."

Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

* * *

Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.

Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree,
but they wait until the week before Christmas
when the lots lower their prices.

Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots,
and then replant it after New Years.

* * *

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting
their children play "Cowboys and Indians."

Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

* * *

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans
when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.

Democrats became Democrats because
they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

* * *

Democrat men like to watch football
while the women fix holiday meals.

On this, Republicans are in full agreement

[Ed Palmer]

It is no real new thing this face transplant technology.
For many years the women I know have been having it done.

The real mystery is how they manage to get it done between when I go to
bed with them and when I wake up.

[Ed Palmer]

Who Are You Calling Colored?
Negro, colored, black....


When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I am sick, I am black.
When I go out in the sun, I am black.
When I am cold, I am black.
When I die, I will be black.
But you...when you are born, your are pink.
When you grow up, you are white.
When you are sick, you are green.
When you go out in the sun, you turn red.
When you are cold, you turn blue.
When you die, you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored?

[Ed Palmer]

A guy decides to build a brick fence in front of his house but isn’t sure how many pallets of bricks he’ll need. So he calls his Polish neighbor, who recently built a similar-size brick fence. “Lech,” he says, “I’m building a fence almost the same size as yours. How many pallets of bricks did you get?”

“Ten,” Lech answers.

So the guy buys 10 pallets and proceeds to build a beautiful fence. When he finishes, he’s surprised to find he only used four of the pallets.

“Hey, Lech,” he says over the fence, “I just finished building my fence, and I’ve got six pallets of bricks left over.”

“Yep,” says Lech. “So did I.”

[thedrifter]

Some Signposts for Various Generations

Are you a baby boomer? A Gen Xer? A slacker? Part of the entitlement generation? Some clues to figuring out where you fit in.

---

You're a baby boomer if ...

- You were born between 1946 and 1964.

- The Mickey Mouse Club once seemed like something that would be cool to join.

- You had friends who swore they were at Woodstock, even if they weren't.

- You adored, or hated, Elvis way before he got pudgy and wore sequins.

- You first noticed Jack Nicholson as a drunken Southern lawyer in "Easy Rider."

- You remember the jolt, as a child or teen, of learning about a leader's assassination.

- Cigarette ads on TV once seemed normal, except maybe "I'd rather fight than switch."

- The first time you heard about Vietnam, you weren't sure what or where it was.

- You were good at hula hoops, but nowhere near as good as that other kid.

- You used correctotype, or something similar, to fix typos on your term papers.

- You knew someone at school eerily like "Leave It To Beaver" wise guy Eddie Haskell.

---

You're a Gen Xer if ...

- You were born between 1965 and roughly 1977.

- You or your peers were ever called "slackers."

- You were coming of age when the Challenger Space shuttle exploded.

- One of your first favorite movies was "Star Wars" or "E.T."

- You wore parachute pants.

- Grunge was more than dirt to you.

- George H.W. Bush or Bill Clinton was the first president you voted for or against (if you voted).

- Kurt Cobain's suicide was a defining event for you or your friends.

- You've used floppy computer discs but consider them "old school."

- You cut your musical teeth on Madonna, Duran Duran and The Cure.

- You like the sound of "40 is the new 30."

---

You're a Gen Yer if ...

- You're a young adult born roughly 1978 or after.

- Remote-control TVs, microwaves and telephones with keypads are a given to you.

- You vividly remember the World Trade Center attacks, but barely recall the fall of the Berlin Wall.

- You consider '80s music to be oldies.

- Your Starbucks habit started before you got out of school.

- You think it's silly to buy music on CDs.

- You have a cell phone but no land line.

- Your school loans and credit card debt total far more than your first year's salary.

- People have called you and your peers spoiled or "entitled."

- You are logged onto your computer 24 hours a day and think nothing of it.

- You chuckle when you see a "Vote for Pedro" T-shirt.

[thedrifter]

An Ode to S H I T
**** is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. **** may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be **** faced, be **** out of luck, or have **** for brains. With a little effort you can get your **** together, find a place for your **** or decide to **** or get off the pot. You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****, and tell others to eat **** and die.

You can **** or go blind, have a **** fit or just **** your life away. People can be **** headed, **** brained, **** blinded, and **** over. Some people know their **** while others can't tell the difference between **** and shineola.

There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, crazy ****s, and sweet ****s. There is bull ****, dog ****, cat ****, bird ****, whale ****, rat ****, and horse ****. There is tough ****, hard ****, soft ****, slimy ****, rough ****, limp ****. You can **** a blue streak, **** bricks, **** pink Twinkies, **** marbles, or **** your guts out.

You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, or duck when the **** hits the fan. You can take a ****, give a ****, keep **** or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep ****, or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days are just plane ****ty. There is funny **** and sad ****, bad **** and good ****. Some **** doesn't stink while other things really smell like ****.

Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when you feel like ****. You can be faster than **** or you can be slower than ****. Sometimes you'll find **** on a stick, sometimes you'll find **** everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find **** at all. You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****..

You can carry **** in a bucket, put **** in a barrel, have a pile of ****, have a mountain of ****, have a river of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. You can slice ****, spread ****, dunk **** or jump ****, and some people just can't cut the ****.

There is fun **** and dull ****, silly **** and serious ****. Sometimes you really need this **** and sometimes you don't want any **** at all. You can stir ****, kick **** or stick your ass out the window and **** on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you swim in a lake of **** and come out smelling like a rose.

****! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else. Twinkies, **** marbles, or **** your guts out.

You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, or duck when the **** hits the fan. You can take a ****, give a ****, keep **** or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep ****, or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days are just plane ****ty. There is funny **** and sad ****, bad **** and good ****. Some **** doesn't stink while other things really smell like ****.

Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when you feel like ****. You can be faster than **** or you can be slower than ****. Sometimes you'll find **** on a stick, sometimes you'll find **** everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find **** at all. You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****..

You can carry **** in a bucket, put **** in a barrel, have a pile of ****, have a mountain of ****, have a river of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. You can slice ****, spread ****, dunk **** or jump ****, and some people just can't cut the ****.

There is fun **** and dull ****, silly **** and serious ****. Sometimes you really need this **** and sometimes you don't want any **** at all. You can stir ****, kick **** or stick your ass out the window and **** on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you swim in a lake of **** and come out smelling like a rose.

****! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else.

[thedrifter]

Why **** Happens in Various World Religions:

Agnosticism: It looks and smells like ****, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its **** or not. What is this ****?! How can we KNOW if **** happens? You can't prove any of this ****.

Amish: **** is good for the soil. This modern **** is worthless.

Anglicanism: It's true, **** does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Atheism: I don't believe this ****. It looks and smells like ****, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. **** doesn't happen. **** is dead. No ****! Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's still **** just because it makes me feel better.

Bahaism: Why do you keep ****ting on us?

Baptist: We'll wash the **** right off you.

Baptist, Southern: You are ****ting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. **** will happen, so praise da Lawd an pass da cone bread.

Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****. If **** happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. **** will happen again to you next time.

Calvinism: **** happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserved it. You were born ****, you are ****, and you will die ****.

Charismatic Catholicism: **** is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Christian Science: When **** happens, don't call a doctor--pray. **** doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our **** will take care of itself.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "**** happens" Confucius says, "If **** has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."

Darwinism: Survival of the ****tiest.

Dianetics: "Why does **** happen?" (p. 157)

Energizer Bunny Cult: **** happens and keeps going and going and going and...

Episcopalianism: If **** happens, hold a procession.

Fundamentalism: There's no **** in the Bible. **** happens, but don't publish it.

Hare Krishna: **** Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please take this flower and buy our ****.

Heaven's Gate: Kill yourself with us, and become a higher form of ****.

Hinduism: I've seen this **** before. This **** is not a religion, it is the way of life. This **** happening IS you.

Iraqi Baathist: Oh ****!

Islam: If this **** happens, it is the will of Allah. If **** happens, take a hostage. We don't take any ****.

Jehovah's Witnesses: No **** happens until Armageddon. There is only a limited amount of good ****. Knock Knock, "**** Happens." Here, we insist you take our ****. **** happens door to door.

Judaism: Why does **** always happen to US? Why does **** always happen just before closing the deal?

Judaism, Reformed: Got any laxatives?

Lutheranism: **** happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Moonies: Only happy **** really happens.

Mormonism: If **** happens, shun it. Crap happens (you can't say **** in Utah) Hey, there's more **** over here! Our **** is better than your ****. **** happens again & again & again ...

Mysticism: This is really weird ****.

Nation of Islam: Don't take no **** from whitey!

New Age: That's not ****, it's feldspar. A firm **** does not happen to me. This isn't **** if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own ****. If **** happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! We're all part of the same ****. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner ****.

Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep ****.

Orthodox, Greek: **** happens, usually in three's.

Paganism: **** happens for a variety of reasons.

Protestantism: If **** happens, it happens to someone else. If **** happens, praise the lord for it!

Rajhneesh: Give us your **** and put on this orange ****.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****! Hey, this is good ****, mon.

Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC ****?

Satanism: **** happens to Christians, so take credit for it and **** them off.

Scientology: All this happens to be ****. If you leave us, bad **** will happen to you.

Secular Humanism: **** evolves.

7th Day Adventism: **** happens on Saturdays.

Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy ****!

Shintoism: You inherit the **** of your ancestors.

Sikhism: Leave our **** alone

Stoicism: This **** is good for me.

Sureshism: You are all pieces of ****.

Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this **** stop happening.

Twelve Step: **** happens one day at a time.

Toism: **** happens. If you can ****, it isn't ****. **** happens, so flow with it.

Unitarianism: What is this ****? We affirm the right for **** to happen. Go ahead, **** anywhere you want. It's not the **** that matters. It's the process.

Voodoo: **** doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this ****! This ****'s gonna get you.

Wicca: If **** happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes **** happen.

Witchcraft: Mix this **** together and it will happen

Zen: What is the sound of **** happening?

Zoroastrianism: **** happens half the time.

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,



"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

[Phantom Blooper]

A Pastor went to his church office

on Monday morning and discovered

a dead mule in the church yard



He telephoned the police.



Since there did not appear to be

any foul play, the police referred

the Pastor to the Health Department

They explained,

"Since there was no health threat,

you'll need to call the Sanitation

Department."

When the pastor called

the Sanitation Department,

the Manager of the Sanitation

Department said,

"I can't pick up that dead mule

without authorization from the mayor"

The Pastor was not at all

too eager to call the mayor,

who possessed a very bad

temper and was always extremely

unpleasant and hard to deal with,

but, eventually, the Pastor

called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint

the Pastor.



The mayor immediately began
to rant and rave.

After his continued rant at the pastor,

the mayor finally said,



"Why did you call me any way?

Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer,

and asked the Lord to direct his response.



The lord led the pastor to the words

he was seeking,



"WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury

the dead, BUT I always like to notify

the next of kin first!"

[Ed Palmer]

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”

[tbruyle5]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. A man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

[Ed Palmer]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she
asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and
this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go
away
and
leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other
side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed
his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to
what
she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping
trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing
noise
coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area
and
observed the husband/father sitting on
the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the
couch,
buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my
son-in-law."

[Ed Palmer]

Expensive game of golf
4 old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
remarked how
nice it woul be to wake up Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without
an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and
play a
round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
wife
such a diamond ring that she cannot take her eyes off it"
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The thrid guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like
they have lost their minds. "I cannot believe you all went to such
expense
for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well
babe,
Merry Christmas! its a great morning for sex or golf" ....she said -
take
a sweater!!

[Ed Palmer]

A guy walks into a public men’s room to ****. He is standing at the urinal waiting to go when all of a sudden, a man with no arms walks in and stands at the urinal beside him.
The guy with no arms says, “Hey buddy, as you can see I have no arms. Would you mind pulling my fly down for me?”

The guy looks around, doesn’t see anyone else in the restroom and decides to pull it down for him.

The armless man then says, “I hate to bother you again, but could you hold my dick for me while I ****?” The man agrees and holds it for him while he starts to go.

As the armless man is relieving himself, the guy looks down and notices warts, scabs, pus, and swelling on the guy’s penis. They both finish and go to leave. As the first guy starts washing his hands, he says to the armless man, “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s wrong with your dick?”

The armless man then pulls his arms out of his shirt and replies, “I don’t know either, but I’m not touching it!”

[Phantom Blooper]

Super Bowl Story

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who
could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself." He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says,

" I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!" :banana:

[rb1651]

That is Soooooo wrong!!!!! LMAO :banana:

Ron

(P.S. Enjoyed it, I'm a Viking Fan, having come from Minnesota).

[Phantom Blooper]

The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into office and said, "You graduated from WVU and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

"Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those WV women.

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at WVU was over heard saying,
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years
later than the rest of the civilized world.

[Phantom Blooper]

Trophy Wife

Bob, a 68 -year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?""I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[Phantom Blooper]

Fluctuations

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the bank.

I chose the shortest line. There was one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?
Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Two blondes were up in the far north woods, out looking for a
Christmas tree.

They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their
hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back.

They had thought of everything.

They were all set..........but they couldn't find the right tree.

They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow.

The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered.

Had to get that Christmas tree!

Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the other and said, "That's it! I've had enough!

The next tree we come to, we're going to cut it down,............... whether it's decorated or not!"

[thedrifter]

Last Minute shopping ideas. A womans guide to buing him a gift.(Humor)
unk | unk

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.

Follow these simple rules and you should have no problem.

1. When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one.

I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.

No one knows why.

2. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.

Men love saying those two words, "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK, by the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Again, no one knows why.

3. If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror.

Men love gifts for their cars.

Again, no one knows why.

4. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.

If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

5. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.

If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

6. Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Real men drink whiskey or beer.

7. Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.

We do not stink - we are "earthy".

8. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.

Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea.

No one knows why.

9. Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.

It will ruin any occasion and he will always have parts left over.

10. Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Beaver Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Canadian Tire Store, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is.

("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

11. Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue.

Get him a monster barbecue with a 100 pound propane tank. Tell him the gas leaks.

"Oh the thrill!The challenge! Who wants hamburger?"

12. Tickets to a Denver Broncos, Colorado Rockies, Central Texas Stampede games are a smart gift.

However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."

Everyone knows why. 13. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.

If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #08 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

14. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.

Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

No one knows why.

15. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts.

Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.

No one knows why.

:p

[Ed Palmer]

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
Crawford, Texas (AP)

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President
George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the
books were kept. Both books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had
almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call
FEMA but there was no answer.

[Ed Palmer]

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill


The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.
Have combined to market the new Mint flavored
birth control pill that women may take immediately
before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Wal-Mart
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_image001.gif
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."

[Phantom Blooper]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said the bartender "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken****." :banana:

[ringoffire]

Holiday Eating tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[jryanjack]

A New Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts
talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar

a salt shaker,
a shot of Baileys and
a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains:
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink
the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, verypleasant.
He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and
drinks it ...
In one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the
Baileys curdles ... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter
taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?
It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge'."

[Phantom Blooper]

God Loves Blondes


A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business
has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for
help. She begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well. Please let me win the lotto."

That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto.

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
The next day she prays... "God, please let me
win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you
forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and
my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant
to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the
voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........... Buy a ticket." :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A man with stomach pains goes to the hospital. The doctor tells him it’s constipation and that he’ll need to use suppositories. The man is instructed to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the doc shoves the tablet up his behind.
“You’ll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week,” says the doctor.

Later that evening, the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and decides to ask his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his pants and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home.

“Damn!” screams the man.

“What’s the matter?” she asks. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” he replies, “but I just realized that the doctor had both hands on my shoulders.”

[Ed Palmer]

The trap






> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
> standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
> and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
> find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
> that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
> went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir,
> sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
> We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
> butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."
> The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[Ed Palmer]

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion
year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant
center in the hope of raising his
I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the
center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure
can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can be, "the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's
brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's
brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is
forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five
thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain?? Why on
earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would
have to kill?"

[Phantom Blooper]

The Young Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy.
"Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much." :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A man and a woman are standing in line at a hospital donation center.
“Long line, huh?” says the man. “What are you donating?”

“Blood,” the woman replies. “They pay 10 bucks a pint.”

“I’m donating my sperm,” says the man. “They pay $25 an ounce.” A couple of weeks later, the man and woman meet again in the same line.

“Hi there,” says the man. “Donating some more blood?”

The woman shakes her head and mumbles, “Mmm-unnh!”

[Phantom Blooper]

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby,!
we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive."

[Phantom Blooper]

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot" :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

It t'was the final answer for the big game show and the contestant was one question away from the big 1 million dollar prize.

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a young attractive blonde in her early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question ..... no life line was needed.

"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,

"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain.. 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:


Work out Barbie for $19.95


Shopping Barbie for $19.95


Beach Barbie for $19.95


Disco Barbie for $19.95


Divorced Barbie for $265.95


The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,


Ken's House,


Ken's Boat,


Ken's Furniture,


Ken's Computer and...


One of Ken's Friends.:banana:

[rb1651]

Have you ever wondered why Santa doesn't have any children?

Why, the answer is obvious.

He only c**s once a year, and it's always down the chimney!!! :banana:

Ron

[Ed Palmer]

something about Texas cowboys

A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A
cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says,
"Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit
here?"

The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are
disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth!
I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw
*anything!* Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw
dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens-"

Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks,
"*Chickens?!*"

[thedrifter]

The Liberal Dictionary
RumandMonkey ^ | Owen Goodyear


Abortion n. 1. The process by which future electoral majorities are secured. 2. Reduction of those sections of society which live off others' earnings while contributing nothing themselves.

Ass

1. n. A fine and dignified symbol for a venerable and wise organisation. 2. int. Expression uttered on discovery of flaws in the above.

Death Penalty n. 1. The process by which future electoral majorities are lost. 2. The shameful process by which true entrepreneurs are mercilessly cast out of the system for their refusal to live by the restrictions of society.

Decision n. Agreement with the opposition party.

Economics n. abs. An interjection expressing strong but as yet unidentified disapproval of a right-wing president.

Gore n. Something that, similarly to sex, Republicans object to seeing on TV.

Green adj. The property of being a shadow of one's own party whilst somehow managing to be more substantial in every respect.

Intern n. fem. ming. A form of receptacle, combining the functions of cigar-box and career pruner. Also useful for rejuvenating the dry-cleaning industry.

Leader n. A post retired in honour of the Democrat party's original founding.

Memory n. A minor organ which suffers immensely from sex or inconvenient economics.

Mexico prop. n. A reserve of convenient votes to be tapped as necessary.

Politically Correct adj. A style of speech devised solely to be continually one step ahead of Republicans and evolving to be continually one step ahead of any form of common sense whatsoever.

Previous Administration, the n. A body, now defunct, upon which the responsibility for failures can be deposited.

Sexual Relations n. pl. Any form of physical contact not involving physical contact.

Starr n. As used in Bethlehem and other Middle Eastern crises, an object which attracts large amounts of attention to itself, gathers devoted followers, leads them to women in undignified situations and eventually collapses in on itself.

Threat of Terrorism, the n. v.abs. A form of camouflage applied to right-wing policies to ensure survival in a left-wing environment.

Tolerance and Multiculturalism n. Gratitude towards those who contribute their votes solely on the basis that English is difficult and one of the available options has fewer syllables than the other.

Vote-Counting n. A form of counting wherein one reaches the appropriate number and then starts again from the beginning, repeating ad nauseum.

[Ed Palmer]

A man walks into an odd little shop and immediately spots a small, interesting rat statue. He decides to purchase the statue. The man behind the counter asks, "Sir, would you like to hear the story behind this statue before you buy it?"
The man shakes his head, refusing to hear the story no matter how much the man behind the counter asks. The man behind the counter shrugs and the man leaves with the statue. As he is walking down the street, he notices rats are following him. He walks a bit faster as more rats join the group. Afraid, the man runs, looking for somewhere to throw the statue. He throws it into the ocean. The rats follow and drown. Confused, the man returns to the shop. The man behind the counter grins and asks. "So, you have come to hear the story?"
The man shakes his head and replies, "Actually, I was wondering if you had one of a Muslim."

[Ed Palmer]

What Bush has to say on mad cow disease- "I eat Beef, and look how I turned out!"

[Ed Palmer]

So Ted Kennedy is talking on an Indian Reservation. He's describing his platform, talking about tax reform, welfare, yadda yadda yadda. Now, the Indian Chief has been listening to this, so he goes up to the politician and says, "You have impressed. So, I shall bestow our tribe's honor on you. From this day forth, you will be known by our tribe as, 'Walking Eagle'."
Now, Dan Rather was covering this and went up to the chief. "So Chief," Dan said, "Why did your tribe name this Ted Kennedy 'Walking Eagle'?"
The Chief said, "Because he's so full of shxt, he'll never fly!"

[Ed Palmer]

Rough Sex

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE GONNA GET OFFENDED:
>
>A hug leads to a kiss...a kiss leads 2 a finger...a finger leads to a
a
>hand...a hand leads to a lick...a lick leads to a suck...a suck leads
2 a
>fxck. So tell me how many people are you gonna hug after you heard
this cuz
>sex is like math...u add the bed...subtract the clothes...divide the
>legs...leave your solution...and pray you dont multiply!
>Send this right after u read it, something good will happen at 2:25
>tomorrow. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life!!
>Whoever breaks this chain will be cursed w/ relationship problems 4-10
>years.
>If you send this in 15 mins. your safe. Something good will happen
tonight
>at 11:11pm.
>This is not a joke...someone will either call you or will talk to you
>online.
>
>
>Giving ........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32
calories.
>
>Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it
>whitens your teeth
>
>Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.
>
>Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.
>
>
>Take off her clothes
>with her consent.........................12 cal
>without......................187 cal
>
>Take off her Bra
>With two hands..........................8 cal
>With one hand.........................12 cal
>With mouth.............................85 cal
>
>Put on Protection
>hard .......................... 6 cal
>soft..........................315 cal
>
>Foreplay
>Looking for target...................8 cal
>Finding G spot ......................92 cal
>I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal
>
>Entry
>Holding her..................12 cal
>On the floor.................8 cal
>
>With Different Position
>Missionary..........................358 cal
>Doggy...........................316 cal
>69 lying...............................286 cal
>69 standing.............................512 cal
>Italian hanger.........................912 cal
>
>Orgasm
>Real................................112 cal
>Faking................................315 cal
>
>After "O"
>Lying in Bed............................18 cal
>Hop off the bed............................36 cal
>Wondering why she left pxssed off...........816 cal
>
>
>Get dressed
>Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
>Rushing.........................98 cal
>Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
>Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door.............1942 cal
>
>IF YOU BREAK THIS YOU WILL HAVE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE TOMORROW
AND
>AWFUL SEX FOR A YEAR! REPOST THIS AND YOU WILL FIND AMAZING SEX WITHIN
ONE
>MONTH ;)

[Ed Palmer]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tatooed on his privates?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how
money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[Ed Palmer]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank. Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie:
"Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank
every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over
everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order
and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some bloke
then" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger.
"Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in
the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I
never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about
him?



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_image00211.gif
" Cabbie: "I married his fxcking widow!!!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool.

He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?”

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”

He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”

[Phantom Blooper]

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...PHILOSOPHY:

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."


Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."


Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-*****

[Phantom Blooper]

Two books are for sale.

Which to buy?

"Titanic"
or
"My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull $hit artist.

Titanic: In one scene Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica. Well, let's not go there either.:banana:

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:



"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."



Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.



When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!



Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message..... as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice

yelling................





THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Contribution Request?






Dear Friends and Relatives:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt.Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.

It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you.
Bill Clinton Monument Committee

P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
And another thing .....

Now let me get this straight ....... Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

God Bless America!

[Ed Palmer]

Life as a Kennedy


The Kennedy,s returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other. The Ted's best man takes him aside
and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied Ted "when we had finished making love on the first
night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow
without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been
saving yourself all these years!"

Ted nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this
though. She gave me $20 change!"

[Ed Palmer]

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of 14 went to work in a broom factory. After two months, she told the boss she wanted to quit.
The boss was curious since she was doing a good job, so he called her into his office and asked her why she was leaving.

“Oh, it’s nothing, I just want to quit, that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise,” he offered.

“No, but thank you,” she said.

“There must be a reason,” he countered.

“OK, if you must know,” said the girl, as she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair. “Look! I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom bristles, I tell you!”

Tickled by her innocence, the boss took off his underwear and explained, “Look, it’s natural. I have it too.”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I must quit now before it’s too late. Not only do you have bristles but you’ve also grown a handle!”

[Ed Palmer]

Hotel Incident
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the
clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front
desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her
breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[Ed Palmer]

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary and a local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the lady.

“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. My husband quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

[DanBO]

Iraq Standoff

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us."


"Semper Fi Mac"

[Phantom Blooper]

"Letters To Santa"

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f------ book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

----------

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

----------

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

----------

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa

----------

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

----------

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

----------

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

----------

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

----------

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

[Ed Palmer]

GAY BOB

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has blood tests run. The doctor
comes back and says, "Bob, I'm going straight to the point. You have AIDS."

Gay Bob is devastated. "Doctor, what can I do?".

The doctor says, "Eat a sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 un peeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,one
box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Gay Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc replies, "No,but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your azz is for."

[thedrifter]

For My Democratic Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."





For My Republican Friends:

Here's wishing all of You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[Phantom Blooper]

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students elebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toyfactory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing: 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas.

:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A married couple decided to spend the night of their 20th anniversary alone, with the husband planning a special night for his wife of many years.

When the big night arrived, he surprised his lady with a beautiful limo for the evening. Inside the limo were chocolate-dipped strawberries, champagne, and tickets to a show.

After the show, the husband took his wife to an expensive restaurant, where they enjoyed a wonderful meal.

At the end of the evening, they journeyed home, and to the wife’s delight, her husband brought out a small, wrapped box and gave it to her.

She gasped and tore into the wrapping. Inside the box were two perfectly round aspirins.

“I don’t have a headache” she stated.

The husband smiled. “Gotcha!”

[Phantom Blooper]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful t win daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."

[Phantom Blooper]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset
him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.

She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole so happy,
back hole laugh out loud .

[Phantom Blooper]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was Hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[Phantom Blooper]

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya hear"

[Phantom Blooper]

A fellow who owned a general store went to Africa on safari for a vacation. While on safari, he heard two of the local guides talking about a talking monkey. The fellow thought, "Man, if I had that talking monkey, I could make a fortune! I could charge people to come in and see him, and they would just naturally buy other stuff while they were in the store".

So, he went into the darkest jungle and found the talking monkey. He finally traded several blankets and a few trinkets, and owned the talking monkey.

He took the monkey home, and as he didn't have a proper place for it ready, just put it in the store room in the back of his store for the time being. A friend of his came in, said he had heard about a talking monkey, and asked if he could have a look. The fellow said, "Sure. He's in the store room. Go back and see him".

So, the man went into the store room and found the monkey hunkered on top of a barrel of pickels. He said, "I hear you're a talking monkey". The monkey replied, "That's right. Some missionaries came over and taught me how to speak pretty good English. They also taught me to play a guitar and to sing some".

The man said, "That's really something!" He glanced down and said, "Say, do you know your balls are hanging in the pickel brine?"

The monkey replied, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it".

[Ed Palmer]

A Texas farmer vacationing in Australia meets an Aussie farmer, who shows the Texan his wheat field.
“Oh, we’ve got wheat fields twice as large back home,” boasts the Texan.

They walk to another field, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

“Oh, we have longhorns that are twice as big,” says the braggart.

A little while later, the Texan spots a couple of kangaroos hopping across a field. “What the hell are those?” he asks.

“What?” says the Aussie. “Aintcha got grasshoppers in Texas?”

[Ed Palmer]

A man is talking to his shrink. He tells the shrink he thinks his marriage is in trouble. The shrink asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

The man tells him, “My wife and I made a deal when we got married 20 years ago that we would only smoke after sex. I have had the same pack of cigarettes since.”

The shrink informs the man that it’s natural for sex to slow down after marriage. The man replies, “Yeah, but my wife smokes three packs a day.”

[Phantom Blooper]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked toward the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did. "Now take down my zipper".

She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[ringoffire]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor
of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,
she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape,
the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her
crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and than told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the
Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me
down."

[Ed Palmer]

Shortly before Rose Kennedy passed away, she was having tea with neighbors when, out of the blue, she asked, "I wonder how Jackie's doing?"
"Rose," a neighbor said gently, "Jackie died some time ago."

"Oh, no!" Rose cried.

"Was Teddy driving?"




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/kennedybreakfast.jpg

[Phantom Blooper]

The Italian says,"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife,
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches
above a da bed in exstacy."

The Frenchman replies,"zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love
with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles
of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in
pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole
lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on
the curtains.She hits the freakin' ceiling."



:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby
of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the
old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x with
you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging
down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

[thedrifter]

An Application for a Wal-Mart Job
Chron Watch ^ | 12/29/05

Job application that a 75-year-old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny:

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job--no. On my breaks--yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy, blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh, yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius.

[Wyoming]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[Wyoming]

.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North.

For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories
NORTH: Chapstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!!!

[Wyoming]

.

To all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (MST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!


Semper Fi,
Allan 'Big Al' Holmes

.

[yellowwing]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"

[Ed Palmer]

Canadian Bacon

A BACON TREE ALREADY ! !

Back in the wild west days, a California bound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Rabbi sitting beneath a tree.

The wagon master rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Rabbi said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon master.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.

Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the wagon master, who manages to escape back to the old Rabbi, who's enjoying a "glassle of tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old Rabbi holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

[Ed Palmer]

A lesson from Mexico

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could play your guitar with your amigos."

U-huh?

[BOOGIEMAN44]

One dark and snowy night, a blond was sitting in her car wondering how she would find her way home, then she thought what her father told her long ago..

" If you find your self in a snow storm, just wait for a snow plow to come along and follow it "

As to the blond's delight, a snow plow did come along and she did as he father said,

In behind the plow the blond went, and after about an hour had gone by, the snow plow stoped,

Just then, the blond noticed the snow plow driver walking back to her car,

As the blond rolled down her window, the snow plow driver asked her what she was doing follow his snow plow,

The blond told the snow plow driver what her father had said long ago about following a snow plow during a snow storm,

The snow plow driver then said, " That was great what her father had told her... but, he was now done with the K-MART parking lot, and it was fine if she wanted to follow him to do the WAL-MART parking lot.

[thedrifter]

January 2, 2006 7:30 AM
START THE POLITICAL YEAR OFF WITH A CHUCKLE -- BEST LINES OF 2005
The Quorum Report /Daily Buzz ^ | January 2, 2006 | Harvey Kronberg,

What if the "Hokey Pokey" really is what it's all about?

He allows us the freedom to do what he wants us to do. (a House member referring to the Speaker's management style)

The time to kill a snake is when you have the hoe in your hand. (Rep. Fred Hill, urging members to kill a bill)

The longer you have to look at the ugly baby, the harder it is to love it (close your eyes and vote 'aye')

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. (Upton Sinclair)

The proctologist called...they found your head

If the shoe fits, steal it (Jim Davis)

Power corrupts. Isn't that's what it's for?

No sum***** ever stopped being one just 'cause you pointed out that's what he is. (Ferrell Sams)

Regardless of whether or not we knew what we were doing, we did it. (Sen. Rodney Ellis)

The lack of intelligence in this room is palpable

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal

No one knows what the bill does, but we're pretty sure it's bad (Sen. Rodney Ellis)

"It's like rolling a body out of the morgue and saying this is going to be our wide receiver" (Speaker Tom Craddick)

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. (Howard Aiken)

Just a quick observation, when people don't want to play the blame game, they're to blame. (Jon Stewart)

The thought of it makes you want to poke out your mind's eye

She's beyond bi-polar...she's tri-polar (Pat Maines)

That's what happens when you put a casket salesman and his soothsayer in charge of what is really a very simple task (Les Brown)

Don't go buy your Cadillac yet (your good fortune is not yet assured) (Judy Roach)

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
"I've already yielded more than a cheerleader at a drive-in." (Sen. Kel

Seliger)

We are using fingerprints & face prints. Pretty soon we are going to be using butt prints. (Rep. Garnet Coleman)

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is because you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery & Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. (Molly Ivins)

Ellie

[thedrifter]

ROBIN WILLIAMS QUOTES

"God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus."

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again.""

"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but **** us off, and we'll bomb your cities."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”."

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

"I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out."

"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."

[thedrifter]

BROCCOLI

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, ''Sorry, there's no broccoli.''

So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli."

So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, ''Spell cat, as in catastrophe.''

''C-A-T,'' the man answered.

The waiter then asked, ''Spell dog as in dogmatic.''

The man said ''D-O-G.''

''Now spell ****, as in broccoli,'' the waiter said.

The man yelled ''THERE'S NO **** IN BROCCOLI!''

The waiter laughed, ''EXACTLY!!"

[thedrifter]

REVENGE

True story from Sweden.......

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. Their downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked the wife to move out and told her that he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow shaft of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything -- cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home -- including the curtain rods!

[thedrifter]

3 ENGINEERS

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests the electronics of the car be removed down to its parts and then try to trace where a fault line might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that may be the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windos, get out, get back in, open the windows again?!" Maybe it'll work?!"

[thedrifter]

SCAM IN AUSTRALIA

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

[thedrifter]

UGLY PEOPLE

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[garryh123]

.

[Phantom Blooper]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding? What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send me $2,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money.

But the boy has a problem.? At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.? This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue
was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.? Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad."

[Ed Palmer]

What Bird Brings Babies?

Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"

His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"

His mom says, "A raven, dear."

Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at
all?"

His mom says, "A swallow!"