Chuckles of the Day...

[Joseph P Carey]

Yes, Gunny! I guess this gives a whole new meaning to 'Fits like a glove'!

[GySgtRet]

Yes it does. I didn't think about it that way...!!!

[Joseph P Carey]

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

[Joseph P Carey]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

[Ed Palmer]

OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE



HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS, DDS, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM,...OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BIxTCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[GySgtRet]

Ed,

I loved this one as I do most of your jokes. I sent it to a friend of mine and she called me laughing so hard I couldn't understand her..


Semper Fidelis

[ringoffire]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

[Ed Palmer]

This is for all of you Ford owners out there

I may have posted this before
http://y.wimp.com/v/inches.wmv

[GySgtRet]

OMG That was good. I have seen this on TV before but never have looked at it in that way before.

Semper Fidelis:banana:

[Joseph P Carey]

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?"

The boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police Officer.

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001001c5d51b9f3d11a0d3286744you.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.”
“What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man.

“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

“She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?”

“Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”

[Ed Palmer]

Great Picture of the CN tower in Toronto


You can imagine what it took to build the beautiful TOWER!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/APictureoftheCNSerinToronto.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

what are you looking at?

[Ed Palmer]

Horse auction


The little cowboy attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched
as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down
the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few
minutes, the little
cowboy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. "

The little cowboy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I
think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

[Ed Palmer]

Cake Or Bed
>
> >
>
> >a Husband Is At Home Watching A
>
> >football Game When His Wife Interrupts,
>
> >
>
> >honey,
>
> >could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
>
> >it's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.
>
> >
>
> >he Look At Her And Says Angrily,
>
> >fix The Lights Now?
>
> >does It Look Like I Have
>
> >ge Written On My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So.
>
> >
>
> >fine,
>
> >
>
> >then The Wife Asks,
>
> >well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
>
> >it Won't Close Right
>
> >
>
> >to Which He Replied,
>
> >fix The Fridge Door?
>
> >does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
>
> >written On My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So
>
> >
>
> >fine, She Says
>
> >then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
>
> >to The Front Door?
>
> >they Are About To Break.
>
> >
>
> >i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
>
> >want To Fix Steps.
>
> >he Says, Does It Look Like I Have
>
> >ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So.
>
> >i've Had Enough Of You.
>
> >i'm Going To The Bar!!!!
>
> >
>
> >so He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
>
> >couple Of Hours....................................
>
> >
>
> >he Starts To Feel Guilty About How
>
> >he Treated His Wife, And Decides
>
> >to Go Home
>
> >
>
> >as He Walks Into The House He Notices
>
> >that The Steps Are Already Fixed.
>
> >
>
> >as He Enters The House, He Sees The
>
> >hall Light Is Working.
>
> >
>
> >as He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
>
> >the Fridge Door Is Fixed.
>
> >
>
> >honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
>
> >she Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
>
> >outside And Cried.
>
> >
>
> >just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
>
> >what Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
>
> >
>
> >he Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
>
> >all I Had To Do Was Either
>
> >go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.
>
> >
>
> >he Said,
>
> >so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?
>
> >
>
> >she Replied,
>
> >hellooooo...
>
> >do You See Betty Crocker Written
>
> >on My Forehead?
>
> >i Don't Think So!
>

[Ed Palmer]

Redneck Christmas lights


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/REDNECKCHRISTMASLIGHTS.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping she shook her head “No”.
He asked “Kin ya breathe?”
Still gasping she again shook her head “No”.
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver never fails!”

[Joseph P Carey]

Sometimes the law is hard to understand, and it is made more so difficult by attorneys and subjects like the following. Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the courtroom. Perhaps this will help you understand why lawyers are the way they are.

1.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2.
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3.
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5.
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6.
"Did he kill you?"

7.
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8.
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9.
"How many times have you committed suicide?"

10.
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11.
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12.
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13.
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14.
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15.
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16.
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17.
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18.
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19.
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

[Joseph P Carey]

One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?"

The Husband answers "They're roping"

"I see" replies the bride.

After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!"

She replies "Oh ,I see."

Finally they arrive at their hotel. They washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies.

The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?"

"Thats is my rope." he answers.

She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?"

"They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?"

The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

[thedrifter]

B I T C HOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a *****.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a *****.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a *****.

Being a ***** means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It
means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am
defined as a *****.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a ***** , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Ellie

[Joseph P Carey]

It was WWII, and the US Army was fighting in the North African Desert. There was this Private who just got sent to the Sahara Desert for his tour of duty. Once he was over there for a while he began to get real horney. He went to see the captain in the CP tent. He told the captain that he really needed a woman.

The captain told him he could use the camel in the other tent.

The guy said, "Thanks but no thanks I'll just wait."

So he went on about his business. A few weeks went by and the need for a woman returned even more prominent than before. He headed back to the captains tent to talk to him about it again.

The captain then said the same thing concerning the use of the camel.

The guy declined again and again left the captains tent feeling very bad.

A few more weeks go by and the guy just cant take it anymore. He heads back to the captains tent fully intending to use the camel as the captain had offered twice before. He walks in and tells the captain that he'll take the camel and then asks where it is?

The captain and his friend show the guy to the tent where the camel is being kept.

The guy sizes up the camel trying to figure out just how hes going to do this. All the while the captain and his friend stand behind the curtain and watch. The guy climbs up on the camels back and takes his dick out and stick it in and begins to have sex with the camel.

He then hears loud peels of laughter coming from the other side of the curtain.

He yells for the captain and the captain comes out. The guy asks, "Whats so funny?"

The captain looks at his friend and chokes out, "... most guys just get on the camel and ride it into town."

[Ed Palmer]

Prize Gorilla

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[Ed Palmer]

Job Candidate Has Annoying Facial Tic

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a box of aspirin

[Ed Palmer]

"Union Worker"
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

[Ed Palmer]

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[Joseph P Carey]

A drunk man in a bar asks the bartender where the bathroom was.

The bartender gives the man directions to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream from out of the bathroom and wonders what the Hell is going on in there.

A few more minutes go by and, again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the bathroom.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well, no wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Ed Palmer]

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[Ed Palmer]

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.“

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks up at him and says, “ is money all you people think about?”

[Joseph P Carey]

Top 20 things to do in a drive-thru to really make them know you are an arsehole!

1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order

2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.

3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.

7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.

8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

9. Ask how they fit into that little box.

10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"

12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"

13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.

15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.

17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.

19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

[Ed Palmer]

Top 10: Excuses For Turning Down A Date
Oct 24 2005


10. That sounds great. This will give me a chance to tell you about my thoughts on the Apocalypse. Say, did you know we are in the last days?

9. I would rather not ruin our friendship.

8. My therapist has advised me not to get involved with anyone during anger management sessions.

7. Sorry, can't tonight. I'm watching the Martha Stewart Story on Lifetime channel.

6. My ex just got out of drug rehab and I want to be there for her. You know, in case she wants to give our love a second chance.

5. Sounds Okay. Can Bruce come with us?

4. Tonight's no good. I'm having a wrinkle reduction, skin exfoliation, and micro derm abrasion on my face. I promised myself I wouldn't cancel it this month.

3. Oh sorry, I need to take my dog in to be - uh - neutered.

2. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon is on tonight.

1. I was actually going to do a little Internet research on erectile dysfunction. Maybe after that?

[Ed Palmer]

Two mailmen are standing on the sidewalk chatting after finishing their routes when one notices a slug crawling by. In a rage he stomps on the poor creature.

“That was cruel,” says the other mailman. “Why’d you do that?”

He replies, angrily, “That son of a ***** has been following me all day!”

[Ed Palmer]

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along, but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates, and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[Ed Palmer]

What Shakespeare Really Meant
By Scott Roeben

William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.


Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.


Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

[Joseph P Carey]

Ed,

You failed to translate one:
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.

We were always better when we were younger, least wise of what we said we were!

[Ed Palmer]

Real (Strange) Sex Laws
They're surprising. They're baffling. And, often, they're downright stupid. These laws about sex and sexuality defy explanation.


In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.


In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

"Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law.

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones.

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways.

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception—prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.


An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.


There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover may be killed in any manner desired.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification."

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

As recently as 1990, these states had laws against the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.

In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex. The same law does'nt apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

Sodomy laws have been repealed—or are ignored—in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home.

An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if they're nude.


An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.


In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude, nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job—for men only—called a corset inspector.)

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while frolicking behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, the couple can face a jail term.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio—the thinking is that a man might see the reflection of something he shouldn't.

Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores—with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

In Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians. Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers.

Maine licenses condom sellers and the license must always be on public display.

Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

[Joseph P Carey]

One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father. "Father I called a man a son of a B!tch. can I be forgiven."

The father then replied, "What did he do to you?"

She retold the story. "I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabed my ass."

The preist interupts and grabs her ass and says "Like this?"

She says "yes, just like that!"

The priest replies, "Well that is no reason to call him a son of a *****."

So she went on, "Then he grabed my breast. Is it ok now?"

"Like this?" Said the priest as he grabbed her breast.

"Yes, just like that. Is it ok now?"

"No!" replied the priest.

She then proceeded. "Then he stuck his dick in my pussy."

"Like this?" Replied the priest, as he stuck his dick in her pussy.

"Yes! Oh Yes! Just like that!" She said. "Is it ok now?"

"No, that is still no reason to call him a son of a *****."

She then told him the last part. "Then he told me he had herpies."

The priest replied, "Why that son of a B!tch!"

[yellowwing]

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
Gee-Bill was telling the truth! Kenneth Starr could have saved alot of time and trouble if he had known this statute.

[Future-USMC-LT]

Gee-Bill was telling the truth! Kenneth Starr could have saved alot of time and trouble if he had known this statute.

What about the use of a cigar??:banana: :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/mallparking.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/mastercard.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/stealcar.htm

[yellowwing]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

[Joseph P Carey]

What the Seven Thousand Seven Hundred Thrity Four (7734) is she talking about, Wing?

[Ed Palmer]

Its probaly that hot place you are going to if you keep talking like that

[Ed Palmer]

When you have to go, be careful where you pull off the road.

I am sure glad that Jack isnt after Me. because it looks like he has something on his mind and it sure aint lunch.

http://joeschwartz.net/flash-files/donkey.htm

[ringoffire]

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was "Best
Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the
process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was
there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

[GySgtRet]

ringoffire,

Dang. I wonder if he is married and what his wife thinks...???

How embarrasing...

:mad:

[GySgtRet]

Ed,

I bet the next time this guy has to make a head call he is very selective as to where he chooses...That thang wanted some of that...LOL:D

[Ed Palmer]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

[Ed Palmer]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Ed Palmer]

A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback.
The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

[Ed Palmer]

Two gay guys are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of the guys looks at the other guy’s penis and notices there’s a Nicoderm patch on it. He turns to the other guy and says, “I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.”
“It’s working just fine,” the other guy replies, “I’m down to 2 butts a day.”

[thedrifter]

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight

So in the mail today I got the Christmas Victoria Secret catalogue (NO!! *that* is not why, and NO, I didn't do that with it either...).

While I'm distracted doing the work I brought home with me on the computer (on a friday no less, already losing some points with the wife), my wife is flipping through the catalogue and walks over to me, points at one of the pictures, and says, "hey, her abs look just like mine!"

Now, what followed was obviously a blatant act of war and was pretty darn stupid on my part. Without even looking at the catalogue, I continue staring at my screen and say (while joking of course, but without the intended tone, not that ANY tone could have saved me), "wha? The fat one?"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am sleeping on the couch tonight.

Ellie
Suicidal or just not very bright?

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/57show1.gif

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fxcking ass.”

Just then, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s OK,” she said, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m go lose my fxcking car.”

[Ed Palmer]

Something every one should consider
SAFE SEX
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/safesex.gif

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image002.gifif you keep visiting the X rated sites you could wind up like Spiderman

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/spiderman.jpg

Think about this before you say anything

[Ed Palmer]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack.



"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"



Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"



The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."



In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"



The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."



This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.



Dopey turns back and says, "Your Holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"



"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."



The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......



"Dopey screwed a penguin!"...... "Dopey screwed a penguin!"......

[thedrifter]

Scratch Where it Itches !
The Morning Paper (Trick or Treat edition) | 10/31/05

Scratch Where it Itches

I

There was a gal named Ida Mae :
When she was seventeen,
She went to Atlantic City
To become a Beauty Queen.

She could sing just like an Angel,
An’ her figger shore did please-
But then she started scratchin’
Like an ol’ houn’ dog with fleas !

Chorus

Scratch where it itches-
Right down in yer britches;
Scratch where it itches-
An’ not where it looks the best !

II

Oh, it musta been contagious ,
Or somethin’ in the air –
‘Cause all of them Contestants
Started itchin’ everywhere !

They had to stop the Pageant :
All the Judges hollered “Whoa !”
When lovely Miss America
Scratched herself from head to toe !

Chorus

Scratch where it itches-
Right down in yer britches;
Scratch where it itches-
An’ not where it looks the best !

III

There’s a moral to this story-
Now that we’ve had our fun :
Folks are pretty much the same
After all is said and done.

There’s times you can’t be subtle-
When you gotta be direct:
When you gotta scratch even though it ain’t
Politically correct !

Chorus

You gotta scratch where it itches :
Right down in your britches-
You gotta scratch where it itches,
An’ not where it looks the best !

Ellie

[thedrifter]

25 ways to tell if you're a Redneck

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

[thedrifter]

New Rules

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger!

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're GAY. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that waterytaste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on aisle nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands, and I want to do it for free.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

[Ed Palmer]

Mr. Brown visits his doctor for his annual checkup. “I need stool, urine, and sperm samples,” says the doctor.

The old man thinks for a moment and then says, “Will my underwear do?”

[Joseph P Carey]

For you guys that are starting your families off at a young age, and you have very young daughters that will someday be dating gentlemen like yourselves, please allow me to introduce Ten rules you should inform young men of when they stick their pimple faced heads in the front door of your home to see one of your daughters. I have had three daughters; two of them have married very well, and the last is still with me. The rules work.

10 simple rules for dating my daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything else up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Chu Lai, and when my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window with the bright white teeth showing clearly in the moon night like the grin of death itself is mine.

For some reason, the fellows that returned for the second time were thought better of than those that never returned at all, or of those that moved and left no forwarding address never to be seen again.

[Joseph P Carey]

A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on "Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.

"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's round and red."

Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a cherry?" she inquired.

"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way you think."

Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"

"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.

"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way you think."

A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.

Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Dukie, that's obscene, sit down."

"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

[Ed Palmer]

IF CONDOMS HAD SPONSORS
Oh my goodness this gives a new meaning to mental imaging!!!!

Naughty, I know, but I had to pass this one on...





If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged like these:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000e01c5e1431998cd30d3286744you.jpghttp://[img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000801c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpghttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000a01c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpg


(continued)

[Ed Palmer]

(contiued) If condoms had sponsors

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000b01c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000c01c5e14319968340d3286744you.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000d01c5e1431998cd30d3286744you.jpg[/IMG]

Sad! Very, very sad
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

[Ed Palmer]

A Teamsters boss goes to a convention in Las Vegas for a few days.
One night he goes out to a brothel.

Like a good union man, he asks the madam if it's a union shop.

"No", she says.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $20 and the house gets $80".

"Pahh! " he says, and walks off to find another brothel.

He asks the next madam "Are you a union shop?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $80 and the house gets $20".

That's more to his liking, so he gives her $100 and says "I'd like that pretty young blond girl right there", pointing to his choice.

The madam puts the money in her pocket, points to an 85-year old woman, and says to him: "I'm sure you would, but Ethel here has seniority."

[Ed Palmer]

How to give a Kennedy a pill.
1) Put pill on table when he's not looking.
2) Ask out loud if he's seen the Valium you dropped.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/jmk.gif


Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave


SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave


DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave


BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave


CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave


SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave


AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave


NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave


A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave


AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave


BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave


THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave


CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

And my all time favorite:


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories?

[thedrifter]

A Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Texan asked
for a whiskey and soda which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen w hores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me
too... I didn't know we had a choice."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/107288.gif




No matter what you do wrong someday it will come back to bite you in the butt

[thedrifter]

NEW MATH

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Ellie

[Since1775]

To all the kids who were born in the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were o.k.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms...We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given bb guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And you are one of them! Congratulations!



Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

[Phantom Blooper]

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 150 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 150 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder dresses and then
chases
after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the
apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after

I saw how short the fuse was."

:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. :banana:

[Ed Palmer]

One morning a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course. He finds her attractive, and he asks her if she’d like to play with him. So they play a round, and she wins by five strokes. Sensing the guy’s embarrassment, the woman offers to accompany him to the parking lot and give him a blow job in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by five or six strokes each time, then gives the guy a blow job in the parking lot. That weekend he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner.

She arrives and blurts out, “I must confess something to you. I’m a transvestite. I’m really a man.”

“You son of a *****!” the guy replies. “You’ve been hitting off the women’s tee all week!”

[Ed Palmer]

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[Ed Palmer]

A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."

He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"

[Ed Palmer]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states,
"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate."

[Joseph P Carey]

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"

Becky replied, "The darn fool! . . . He's peeing in the fridge again!"

[Ed Palmer]

Sex No Substitute for Wild Sex Say Relationship Experts


Las Vegas - Speakers at the annual meeting of the American Society of Sexologists that was held last week in Las Vegas all seem to be in agreement about one thing: ordinary sex is no substitute for infarction-inducing orgiastic wild sex.
“Couples are literally f***ing themselves to death with the type of boring sex one associates with marriage and long-term relationships,” said Dr. Farley Walters, director of the Mayo Clinic’s Sexual Dysfunction Clinic and author of the best-selling book “Hump Your Way Back to Good Health.”

“This whole monogamy thing that so many people seem to be hung up on is causing all the problems,” said Dr. Walters. “You keep on year after year doing the wild thang with the same person and after while you get so bored that you just want to die. And your body responds by just shutting down.”

Dr. Walters then went on to show that statistically speaking, the healthiest and longest living demographic sector in the United States are Catholic priests in the Boston Diocese. “We couldn’t figure out why Boston Diocese priests were living on the average to the age of 95, well above the national average,” said Dr. Walters. “Spirituality didn’t seem to enter into the picture, because most of the priests we interviewed didn’t believe in God in the first place. Ruling out all other factors, what became perfectly clear was that Boston Diocese priests are among the most sexually-active individuals in the world with an average of 132 sexual encounters per week, putting them just slightly behind 12-year prostitutes in Thailand. Clearly, unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners seems to be the Fountain of Youth. Of course, we emphasize that it’s safe unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners that is the key.”

[Ed Palmer]

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer—no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack…or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares?!?!?!

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No…

Satan: Ooooh…You’re gonna HATE Fridays.

[Joseph P Carey]

Sex No Substitute for Wild Sex Say Relationship Experts


Las Vegas - Speakers at the annual meeting of the American Society of Sexologists that was held last week in Las Vegas all seem to be in agreement about one thing: ordinary sex is no substitute for infarction-inducing orgiastic wild sex.
“Couples are literally f***ing themselves to death with the type of boring sex one associates with marriage and long-term relationships,” said Dr. Farley Walters, director of the Mayo Clinic’s Sexual Dysfunction Clinic and author of the best-selling book “Hump Your Way Back to Good Health.”

“This whole monogamy thing that so many people seem to be hung up on is causing all the problems,” said Dr. Walters. “You keep on year after year doing the wild thang with the same person and after while you get so bored that you just want to die. And your body responds by just shutting down.”

Dr. Walters then went on to show that statistically speaking, the healthiest and longest living demographic sector in the United States are Catholic priests in the Boston Diocese. “We couldn’t figure out why Boston Diocese priests were living on the average to the age of 95, well above the national average,” said Dr. Walters. “Spirituality didn’t seem to enter into the picture, because most of the priests we interviewed didn’t believe in God in the first place. Ruling out all other factors, what became perfectly clear was that Boston Diocese priests are among the most sexually-active individuals in the world with an average of 132 sexual encounters per week, putting them just slightly behind 12-year prostitutes in Thailand. Clearly, unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners seems to be the Fountain of Youth. Of course, we emphasize that it’s safe unfeeling, anonymous sex with multiple partners that is the key.”

Sorry Ed, My girlfriend for the last 19 years read this, and she said I would die a lot sooner than 95, if I took their advice in this matter.

[Joseph P Carey]

Ah! An old one that deserves to be retold.

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"

[Ed Palmer]

:banana:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000f01c5e6594ae7f300d3286744you.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
US Border Patrol to Provide Bus Service Across Mexico Border
10/17/2005 - Tad Hayworth

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The US Border Patrol, fed up with the expense of placing water stations in desert border areas, has decided to provide 7 bus lines to ferry the illegal immigrant across the US-Mexico border. "Frankly, we weren't satisfied with the level of safety and ease of illegal immigration, even with water and shade stations," says El Paso Chief Luis Woofer, "Illegal entry into the US may be a crime but it is not so serious that we should risk immigrants being harmed. We decided to strive for a higher standard of comfort and safety for illegal immigrants."
"They call that comfort?" asks Berkley professor Alan Gonzales-Rabinowitz, "I took one of these buses while investigating the US Border Patrol policy and I found them uncomfortable, smelly, and impossible to sleep on."

"We realize there are some issues with the buses," responded Woofer, "But our budget doesn't allow for individually controlled climate. We keep the buses at exactly 73 degrees. The Patrol is also looking at switching to buses fueled by LPG, or natural gas. LPG is both better for the environment and devoid of the unpleasant diesel odor. In the long run, it will be cheaper as well, and we plan to use the money saved to provide full dining service instead of the sack lunches we now provide."

"Of course that only addresses part of the problem," says Gonzales-Rabinowitz, "These immigrants often have to travel for days to even get to the bus depots on the Mexican side. If the US Border Patrol really wanted to help, they would provide complete door-to-door transportation."

[Rob Parry]

Royal Marine Rescues Doe.

http://www.abdn.ac.uk/mammal/images/RSPA.mpeg

[Joseph P Carey]

Thank you Ed, I think I am off of donuts now!

[Ed Palmer]

One evening John O’Reilly and his toastmasters club were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John O’Reilly hoisted his beer high and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.
Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

“Aye,” she said, “and what was your toast?”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!” he replied.

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?”

“Aye,” she said. “I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”