Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 6 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Marine Veterans

thedrifter

01-05-03, 09:43 PM

> > > > >> These make me feel incredibly smart!
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Hard to believe, but another year has passed... (For those
who
> > > > >> don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every
year to
> the
> > > > >> persons who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing
> themselves
> > > > >> from the gene pool...
> > > > >> a couple of these didn't die but were injured enough to
> > > > >> warrant entry -what a feat.)
> > > > >> The nominees are:
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man,
> > > > >> using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's
> windshield,
> > > > >> accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged,
> blowing
> > > > >> a hole in his gut.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a
mechanic)
> > > > >> of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to
repair
> what
> > > > >> police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend
to
> drive the
> > > > >> truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could
> > > > >> ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes
caught
> on
> > > > >> something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped
in
> > > > >> the drive shaft."
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger,
47,
> > > > >> accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton,
N.C.
> > > > >> Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he
> > > > >> reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson
> > > > >> .38 Special, that he kept next to the bed for protection,
which
> > > > >> accidentally discharged when he drew it to his ear.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer
demonstrating
> > > > >> the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper
crashed
> > > > >> through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to
his
> death.
> > > > >> A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of
> the
> > > > >> Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
> > > > >> explaining the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law
>
> > > > >> students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstration of
window
> > > > >> strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers,
managing
> partner
> > > > >> of the firm Holden Day & Wilson, told the Toronto Sun
newspaper
> > > > >> that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest" members of the
> > > > >> 200-man association.(Wow - there's 199 guys I hope I never
> meet!!!)
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and
room
> > > > >> with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man
who
> > > > >> was killed byhis own gas. There was no mark on his body but
> > > > >> an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system.
> > > > >> His diet had consisted primarilyof beans and cabbage (and a
> couple
> > > > >> of other things). It was just the right combination of
foods.
> > > > >> It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
> > > > >> poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
> > > > >> outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have
been
> > > > >> fatal.But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom.
> > > > >> According to the article,"He was a big man with a huge
capacity
> > > > >> for creating this deadly gas.
> > > > >> "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin
> > > > >> made News of the Weird posthumously.
> > > > >> He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
electric
> chair
> > > > >> on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to
life
>
> > > > >> in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and
> attempting
> > > > >> to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette
lighter may
> > > > >> have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana.
> > > > >> A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the
barrel
> > > > >> of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon
> > > > >> discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said.
> > > > >> Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk
home
> > > > >> at about 9:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning
> > > > >> a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing
properly.
> > > > >> He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the
> gunpowder
> > > > >> ignited.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man
cleaning a
> > > > >> bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in
this
> > > > >> Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.
Stefan
> > > > >> Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the
> > > > >> accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel
> > > > >> Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went
> > > > >> over the balcony," Honer said.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> AND FINALLY:
> > > > >> Nominee #9 [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were
> > > > >> seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and
> struck a
> > > > >> tree near Cotton Patchon State Highway 38 early Monday
morning.
> > > > >> Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident
> > > > >> shortly after midnight Monday.
> > > > >> Thurston Poole,33,of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of
> > > > >> Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist
Medical
> > > > >> Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning
to
> Des
> > > > >> Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an over cast Sunday night,
> Poole's
> > > > >> pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men
concluded
> that
> > > > >> the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned
out.As a
> > > > >> replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the
> > > > >> .22caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the
fuse box
> > > > >> next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the
bullet,
> the
> > > > >> headlights again began to operate properly and the two men
> > > > >> proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling
about
> > > > >> 20 miles and just before crossing the river,the bullet
apparently
> > > > >> overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle.
> > > > >> The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and
> striking
> > > > >> a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the
> > > > >> accident, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound.
> > > > >> Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released.
> > > > >> "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his
balls
> off
> > > > >> or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.
> > > > >> "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the
world, but
>
> > > > >> this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two
would
> admit
> > > > >> how this accident happened," said Snyder.
> > > > >> Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife
asked
> how
> > > > >> many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from
> > > > >> the truck.

slushy08

01-06-03, 02:17 PM

> A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided
> to cure him of
> the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil
> suit and hid
> behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
>
> When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood
> before him with
> her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
>
> "Who are you?" he asked.
>
> "I'm the Devil", she responded.
>
> "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married
> your sister."
>
>
>----------------------
> ----------------------------------------------
>
>
> A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and
> she shows him
> into the living room. She excuses herself to go to
> the kitchen to
> make them a few drinks. As he's standing there
> alone, he notices a
> cute little vase on the mantel.
>
> He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks
> back in. He
> says, "What's this?"
>
> She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
>
> He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez,
> oh..I..."
>
> She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen
> to get an
> ashtray."
>
>
>------------------
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------
>
>
> On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
> students,
> pointing out some of the rules.
>
> "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
> male students,
> and the male dormitory to the female students.
> Anybody caught
> breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first
> time." He continued,
> "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
> will be fined
> $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
> fine of $200. Are
> there any questions?"
>
> At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How
> much for a
> season pass?"

thedrifter

01-06-03, 06:20 PM

sent to me by Our Girl Cas........

NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN -- By Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want
you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging
from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender,religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Earle Comstock

01-06-03, 08:46 PM

When they circumcise a Jewish boy , do you know what they do with the foreskin ? They sell it to the faggots for bubblegum !:banana: Cpl C.:marine:

Art Petersn

01-06-03, 09:23 PM

THE ELDERLY COUPLES WEDDING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their
decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way
they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotesfor
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

thedrifter

01-06-03, 09:47 PM

Click once to hear the horse sing - click another for a duet, another for a
>trio and another for a quartet. Click the horse a second time and it stops
>"singing"
>
>
>http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html
>

thedrifter

01-07-03, 08:12 AM

Homeland Security
>
>
> > Homeland Security has announced they will soon be implementing new
> software
> > which will record every click of your mouse. It is their belief
that it
> will
> > operate completely transparently and that the average user will not
notice
> > any difference in performance. Click on the URL below to observe
this
> > incredible new technology.
> > http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes
> >
>

thedrifter

01-07-03, 08:14 AM

Blondes in snow

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...?? then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Kegler300

01-07-03, 01:02 PM

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.":banana:

Art Petersn

01-07-03, 09:05 PM

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Art
exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What
do you mean?" Art asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've
spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy
but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Art agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same
locker room and Bob asks Art how his situation was. Art replies, " I did
! what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two
inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day
with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's
shortening!"

ecomsg68

01-07-03, 11:09 PM

Dear John

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him ...

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to all the Leathernecks in his company and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

:evilgrin: :devious: :dazed:

Art Petersn

01-08-03, 07:23 AM

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to
get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba. But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

thedrifter

01-08-03, 08:09 AM

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
> time the bar opens.
>
> "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
>
> About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
> drunker.
>
> "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
>
> "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
>
> Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar
> opins at?"
>
> The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
> have room service send something up to you."
>
> "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

Sidewinder

01-08-03, 09:21 AM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Sidewinder

01-08-03, 10:08 AM

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, its when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's. And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

Earle Comstock

01-08-03, 07:25 PM

A young lady in the maternity ward , just prior to labor , is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband present during birth .
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband ", she replies . Ok , do you have a boyfriend? , asks the midwife. No , no boyfriend either . Do you have a partner then ? No , I'm unattached , I'll be having this baby on my own .
After the birth the midwife again speaks with the young woman . You have a healthy bouncing baby girl , but I must warn you before you see her, the baby is black . Well , replies the girl , I was down on my luck , with no money , and nowhere to live. I accepted a job in a porn movie .
The leading man was black . Oh says the midwife , its really none of my business , and I'm sorry to have to ask you these awkward questions , but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair . Well yes , the girl replies again , you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy .
Oh , the midwife repeats . It's really none of my business , and I hate to pry farther , but your baby has slanted eyes . Yes , continues the girl , there was a little Chinese man also in the movie , I really had no choice .
At this the midwife collects the baby and hands her to the girl , who immediately proceeds to slap the baby on th as*.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims , thank God for that !
What do you mean ? says the midwife .
Well , says the girl extremely relieved , I had this horrible feeling ,that the baby was going to bark .
Semper Fi , Do Or Die
Cpl Commie:marine: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

Earle Comstock

01-08-03, 07:37 PM

Two bowling teams , one made up of all blondes , the other made up of all brunettes .
They charter a double decker bus for a weekend tournament in Johnburg .
The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus , and the blonde team rode on the top deck .
The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time , when one of them realizes she hasn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs .
She decides to go up and investigate .
When the brunette reaches the top , she finds all the blondes frozen in fear . They are staring straight ahead at the road , and clutching the seat in front of them .
The brunettes ask , whats going on up here ? We're having a great time downstairs !
One of the blondes says , yea , but you've got a driver .
Semper Fi Marines:marine:
Cpl Commie :rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

thedrifter

01-08-03, 10:45 PM

The Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an Air Force NCO from the local base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the NCO saying, "That'll be $1,000." The NCO paid and left
with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Air Force APFT, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of any NCO with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink coffee and play with his dick... but his papers say he's an officer.

Art Petersn

01-09-03, 07:12 AM

----------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft, ............... Today, it's called golf.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a
long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries
up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled
and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you
forget to pull up your zipper, then .... Oh my goodness you
forgot to pull your zipper down!

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas,
and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to
wear a windbreaker??

And best of all.... I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
__________________________________________________ __

thedrifter

01-09-03, 07:43 AM

Four retired Navy vets are walking down the street window shopping.

Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

thedrifter

01-09-03, 07:43 AM

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.
> >
> >
> >
> >The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They
gave
> >her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took
the
> >glass back to the kitchen.
> >
> >
> >
> >Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the
previous
> >Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm
milk.
> >
> >
> >
> >Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother
> >sniffed it, drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it,
she
> >drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some wisdom
before
you
> >die,"
> >
> >
> >
> >Barely audible and with a serene look on her face she said, "Don't
sell
> >that cow."

ladileathrnek

01-09-03, 09:02 AM

A young Lieutenant approaches the Sergeant Major and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Sergeant Major "the insignias for the Marine Corps are steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Colonel you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As a General you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your
question?"
"Yes Sergeant Major " replied the young Lieutenant. "But what about Major and Lieutenant Colonel
"That sir, replied the Sergeant Major, goes waaaay back in history -
back to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

too good to pass by!!!!!

Art Petersn

01-09-03, 02:08 PM

> While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day
> of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that
> he never asked her to go along. After several hours
> of argument the wife won.
>
> That next morning they drove out to the country,
> and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from
> his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he
> heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
>
> As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her
> gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer!
> Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just
> nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer.
> Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

Earle Comstock

01-09-03, 08:34 PM

Alabama Vasectomy
After having their 11th child , an Alabama couple decided that was enough , as they could not afford a larger bed .
So the husband went to the veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children .
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem , but that it was expensive .
A less costly alternative , said the doctor , was to go home , get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in Alabama) , light it , put it in a beer can , put the can to his ear and count to 10 .
The Alabamian said to the doctor , I may not be the smartest man in the world , but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear , counting to 10 is going to help me .
"Trust me' , said the doctor
So the man went home , lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can .
He held the beer can next to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused , placed the beer can between his legs , and resumed counting on his other hand .
This procedure also works in Kentucky , Mississippi , Tennessee , and Arkansas
Semper Fi Marines:marine: Cpl Commie:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

Art Petersn

01-09-03, 10:15 PM

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the
barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair
reached for the aftershave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Hillary,
will smell that and think I've been in a *****house,"

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you Mr President?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
*****house smells like."

Earle Comstock

01-09-03, 11:38 PM

Polly or Jack
A middle manager was in a quandry . He had to downsize one of his staff members . He had narrowed it down to one of two canidates , Polly or Jack .
It would be a difficult decision to make , as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work .
He finally decided that in the morning , which ever one used the water cooler first , would be the one to be let go.
Polly came in early that morning , hugely hungover after partying all night and getting no sleep . She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin .
The manager approached her and said ,"Polly , I've never done this before , but I have to lay you or Jack off ."
Polly replied ,"could you jack off ? I have a terrible headache .
Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

thedrifter

01-10-03, 06:12 AM

From Our Lil Sis, Cas.........

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa!
You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then
starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the
toilet
seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

thedrifter

01-10-03, 06:14 AM

from Our Lil Sis Cas.......

COFFEE BREAK HUMOR

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope
only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink
spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines
and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to
rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn
signal fluid.

11. I'm so depressed. My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,"
Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
point the wrong way.

thedrifter

01-10-03, 06:16 AM

from Our Lil Sis Cas.......

Subject: Things to think about

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in he world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

Kegler300

01-10-03, 07:12 AM

I think I'll stay away from Indonesia!:banana:

Sidewinder

01-10-03, 11:29 AM

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

Sidewinder

01-10-03, 11:32 AM

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Sidewinder

01-10-03, 11:34 AM

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replied, well that's for when you're in college.
You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March....

thedrifter

01-10-03, 07:48 PM

Corpsman Up

Two Marines, Johnson and Smith, are manning an Observation Post. Suddenly, Johnson starts to convulse, then lays still. Smith checks him out, he doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. Smith radios back to headquarters panicking, "I think Johnson is dead, what do I do?" A Captain replies in a calm soothing voice, "Calm down Marine. First, make sure he is dead." Smith says OK and the Captain waits. A few moments later he hears a shot. Smith comes back on the radio, "Ok Sir, now what?"

:banana:

The Tough Marine

At the end of the night a Marine leaves a bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?"

:banana:

thedrifter

01-10-03, 07:51 PM

Old Corps

Back in 1775, in Tun's Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps. The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistee's to go through the process. They would assemble later on the front yard. After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps, beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, "Son, let me tell you about the Old Corps."

:banana:

Trackers

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

:banana:

Earle Comstock

01-10-03, 11:01 PM

This one is from my ole lady , ya gotta love her .
How can you tell if your man is well hung?
You can barely get your finger between his neck and the noose .
Semper Fi , Do Or Die
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :bandit:

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 01:00 AM

Pull The Finger

Go To www.whitetrash.nl/pmf/

just click the finger , its cute

Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :bandit:

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 01:28 AM

The Blonde Prize Winner
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "Peel and Win " sticker on her coffee cup . So she peels it off and starts screaming .
"I've won a motorhome , I've won a motorhome ."
The waitress say's , "Thats impossible , the biggest prize is a free lunch ."
But the blonde keeps screaming , "I've won a motorhome , I've won a motorhome."
Finally the manager comes over and say's , "Ma,am , I'm sorry , but your mistaken ." "You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome , because we didn't have that as a prize ."
The blonde says , "No , its not a mistake , I've won a motorhome ."
She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads," WIN A BAGEL"
Semper Fi , Do Or Die
Death And Destruction Professionally ,USMC
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :bandit:

thedrifter

01-11-03, 09:40 AM

sent to me by gylancaster

Making Cigarettes

Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking along a trail in the woods.

Little Susie noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.

"Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stops to consider his answer, and replies, "They're making

cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they

approach a couple of raccoons. Little Susie asked, "Are they making

cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny

Little Susie looks around and says, "it looks like all the animals are

making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

A hour or so later Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking out of

the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kinda cigarettes did we

make?"

Little Johnny stops to think about his answer, then replies, "Well if

you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky

Strike."

Phantom Blooper

01-11-03, 01:41 PM

There were two tree's growing side by side out in the forest. Up between the two tree's a little sapling began to grow. The 1st tree looked at the other and said Mr. Beech is that little sap a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? Well, Mr. Birch I am not quite sure if that little sap is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? The issue was discussed in length by the two tree's until a red headed woodpecker came flying thru the forest. Both tree's decided to ask the woodpecker what type of sapling was growing up between them.Mr. Woodpecker you know all the tree's in this great forest and we were both wondering if you could tell us whether this little sap was a son of a Birch or a son of a Beech? Well, the woodpecker did his study and came back with his answer. Mr. Birch and Mr. Beech I have have concluded, said the woodpecker, this tree is neither a son of a Birch,or a son of a Beech. It is however, the best peice of Ash,that I ever put my pecker in.

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 09:40 PM

How does a gal from Arkansas get ready for a date? She brushes her tooth .

Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respec Your Elders
Death And Destruction Professionally , USMC :marine:

Earle Comstock

01-12-03, 12:59 AM

An Old Marine

The Pentagon recently found it had to many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus .
Any General who retired immediately would recieve his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the Generals body . And the General got to choose these two points .
The first General was from the Air Force .
He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes .
Six Feet
He walked out with a check for $720,000.00
The second man , an Army General , asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his out-streched hand to his toes .
eight feet
He walked out with a check for $960,000.00
The third man was a grizzled Old Marine from Texas .
He told the pension clerk , "Son , I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles ."
The pension clerk suggested that perhaps the Marine General might like to reconsider , pointing out the nice checks the previous two Generals had recieved .
The Marine General insisted , "No sir , you heard right ."
"Go ahead and measure ."
The pension expert said that would be ok , but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring .
The medical officer attended and asked the General to drop-em , he did.
The medical officer placed the tape at the head of the Generals penis and began to work back .
"My God ", he said , where are your testicles ?
"Vietnam", the General replied .

SEMPER FI , DO OR DIE
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :cool:
Death And Destruction Professionally , USMC

Earle Comstock

01-12-03, 11:14 AM

I was reading a post for the young people that call themselves poolees , who have not been to boot yet . In case you haven't figured it out , ya I got a problem with it , and yea I know its just a name . I figure they should have their own website . Call it www.almostaleatherneckifimakeitthroughbootcamp.com .
Anyway the post is entitled I did It .
Yea , one time when I was a kid , I was doing it and was caught by my dad .
He said ,"Dammit son , stop doing that or you'll go blind ."
I said , "Dad , I'm over here ."

Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :cool:
Death And Destruction Professionally , USMC

thedrifter

01-12-03, 04:12 PM

Fruit-Picking

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

thedrifter

01-12-03, 04:18 PM

Don't Speak

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the ****ing dishes!"

thedrifter

01-12-03, 04:19 PM

Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

thedrifter

01-12-03, 04:23 PM

How I Got Into Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Phantom Blooper

01-12-03, 07:04 PM

There were three little old ladies living together. Everything was fine for years. Then the ladies all started to court gentleman friends. They were all doing well together. There was only one problem, all of the gentleman were named George. So every time the phone rang the ladies were not sure which George was calling whom. So they sat down in the parlor,and decided too make things easier in the house they would each give their friend nicknames. After a while they decided that they would name their gentleman friends after "soda pop". After a bit the first little old lady said she would call her friend "Dr. Pepper". The other ladies asked her why "Dr. Pepper"? She said because he was good with his hands. They all got quitle a giggle out of that. The second little old lady decided that she would name her beau "7 UP". Again the other two asked her why? She told them that her man was always' up!They all got a big laugh out of that. The third little old lady said she wasn't quite sure what to call her man. So the other two agreed that it would be best to sleep on it and annouce her man's name the next day. Well they were both anxiously awaiting what the third little old lady was going to call her friend. She annouced that she was going to name her man "Jack Daniels". The other two immediately protested, saying she couldn't do that because, "Jack Daniels" was a liquor! The litltle old lady said yeah,and smiled a"licker", get it?:banana:

thedrifter

01-13-03, 09:34 AM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
> together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
>
> "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled
> him into the closet stark naked.
>
> However, the husband soon became suspicious, and after a search of the
> bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" insisted the
> husband. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>
> "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a
> complaint about an infestation of moths, "explained the man.
>
> "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
>
> The man looked down at himself and said, "Why those little bastards!"
>

thedrifter

01-13-03, 09:36 AM

thedrifter

01-13-03, 09:36 AM

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil

spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale

ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking

frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his

waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm

in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his

Walkman.

_____

thedrifter

01-13-03, 09:37 AM

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter

bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was

the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now feeling better?

thedrifter

01-13-03, 09:40 AM

This is Ebonic and todays education at work.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

.................................................. ............
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

.................................................. ..............
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

.................................................. ................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

.................................................. .................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

.................................................. ...................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
.................................................. ..................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

.................................................. .................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

.................................................. ..................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

.................................................. ..................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

.................................................. .................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

.................................................. .....................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

.................................................. .....................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

.................................................. ..................
AND .... HE SAID WHAT!?!?!?!?
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

thedrifter

01-14-03, 08:52 AM

Blonde

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what
had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

thedrifter

01-14-03, 08:53 AM

Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of
the walk. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket, and proceeded on
his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a
beautiful blonde standing next to him smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," the man said, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis
elbow, and the pain was unbearable."

thedrifter

01-14-03, 08:54 AM

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you

tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have

experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that. "

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the

doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.

Sidewinder

01-14-03, 10:20 AM

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Sidewinder

01-14-03, 10:23 AM

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner she does put the pill in his food.

About a week later, she's back at the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!!. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't very long before he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry. We didn't realize that the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah...," says she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."

:banana:

Sidewinder

01-14-03, 10:25 AM

There was a group of people waiting for the bus at the station. When the bus came, a line formed to get on. The first person was a lovely woman with an extremely short skirt. She tried and tried to step up onto the bus but her skirt was too tight. So she reached behind and unzipped her zipper a bit and tried again. No luck. So she unzipped her zipper a bit more. Still her skirt was too tight. Finally she unzipped her zipper all the way and tried to get on. Still her skirt was too tight. Suddenly, the man behind her who was waiting patiently picked her up around the waist and carried her onto the bus. She turned around angrily. "What right do you have to touch me like that?" she yelled. "Well," he said, "after you unzipped my zipper all the way, I decided that we were pretty good friends."
:yes:

thedrifter

01-14-03, 12:01 PM

THE NEW STATE MOTTOS ---

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own
It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But
The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most
Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The
Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels
Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!

thedrifter

01-14-03, 06:55 PM

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish
and worry about my liver."

thedrifter

01-14-03, 06:59 PM

" I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra

" An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his
fools."

Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
does
not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B. C.!!!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!

Dave Howell

BEER Helping White Guys Dance Since 1869

T-shirt in Florida

thedrifter

01-15-03, 07:32 AM

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"

She replied,

"You're gonna die"

thedrifter

01-15-03, 07:34 AM

Turn up your sound...........

http://www.vikingkittens.com/

thedrifter

01-15-03, 07:47 AM

You know you’re old, when your mind and body aren’t what they used to be. Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.) Do your knees buckle, but your belt won't? Have your beauty marks sprouted hair? Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting your bifocals? Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies ... snap, crackle, pop? Does your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.? Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and suddenly realized that you don’t remember the last 3 blocks? Has a fortune-teller offered to read your face? Does your pacemaker make the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by? Is the little gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse? Do you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet? Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them stay there? Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you could end up bald? Does your back/knee go out more than you do?

thedrifter

01-15-03, 07:48 AM

Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the opposite sex, but you can't remember why? Does your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep? Do you look forward to a dull evening? Do you walk with your head high… trying to get used to your bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the music of the 60's and 70's is played by 101 Strings in the elevator, it’s just sad.) Have you been window shopping ( NOT talking about clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then it dawns on you. They’re young enough to be your kid. ( Men are not bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say things that your parents always said ... and you hated? And finally... there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray hair at the same time.

thedrifter

01-15-03, 07:49 AM

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little ****er really ****es me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

Phantom Blooper

01-15-03, 08:04 AM

Ever wonder where the word "SH*t comes from? Well here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported by ship(as everything was back then). In dry form it weighs allot less,but once water (at sea) hit it,it not only became heavier,but the process of fermentation began again,of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could(and did) happen, methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below deck at night with a lantern BOOOOM!! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that ,the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.*.T." on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit" In other words,high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came in the hold would not touch the volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Bet you didn't know that one. Here I always thought it was a golf term.

thedrifter

01-15-03, 08:08 AM

Wedded Bliss

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.

I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Oh No!!! here he comes again.

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

ladileathrnek

01-15-03, 05:21 PM

Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk
turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they
are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls,
I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to
impress you. We're not really going to the French
Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me.
To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He
bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

ladileathrnek

01-15-03, 05:22 PM

Several people have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the
following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm
fantastic
in bed."

-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
in bed."

-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten
your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and
reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend.

-- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top
of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

-- That's Spam

mardet65

01-15-03, 05:41 PM

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>
>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>
>
>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>
>
>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>
>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>
>
>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>
>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
>
>
>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>
>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>
>
>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>
>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
>
>
>Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
>
>A. Because it's worth it.
>
>
>Q. What is a Yankee?
>
>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
>
>Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
>
>A. They both like a tight seal.
>
>
>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>
>A. Their balls are just for decoration.
>
>
>Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
>
>A. About three inches.
>
>
>Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
>
>A. For traction in the mud.
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
>
>A. The grip.
>
>
>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
>
>A. It's not hard.
>
>
>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
>
>A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>
>A: 45 pounds.
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>
>A: 45 minutes.
>
>
>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>
>A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
>
>A. The swallow.
>
>
>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
>
>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
>
>
>Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
> their minds?
>
>A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
>
>
>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
>
>A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Art Petersn

01-15-03, 07:49 PM

Having a bad day ?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So
a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11a.m.,
all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just
when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment,
he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The
two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

thedrifter

01-15-03, 09:55 PM

THE

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES

LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF

WHICH IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING

READY

LOOSELY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE AT THE

OTHER. IN USE,
IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY,

SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST

OPENING WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND AGAIN MANY

TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED

BY SQUIRMING
BODILY

MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN

WILL MOST
SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND,

RESULTING FROM
THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY

WITHDRAWN, IT
LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE,

SOME OF WHICH
WILL

NEED

CLEANING FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES OF

THE OPENING
AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT. AFTER

EVERYTHING IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE

CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING STATE

OF REST, READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY

REACHING ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN

MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE

ALREADY

GUESSED,

THE

ANSWER!

TO

THE

RIDDLE

IS

NONE OTHER

THAN YOUR VERY
OWN..........

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH.........

what were you

thinking?

You PERVERT!

send this message to ten of

your

most

perverted

friends

:banana: :banana: :banana:

thedrifter

01-15-03, 10:40 PM

Marine Gate Guards (M.P.)

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide
to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and
taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The Marine says, "You're on
a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car,
you'll have your ID card ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force,
and we didn't know." The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true. "The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say,
'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

thedrifter

01-16-03, 01:14 AM

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into
a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as
the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint
away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and
takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the
fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Irish Cemetery:

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on
the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool,
it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."

thedrifter

01-16-03, 01:16 AM

Irish Miracle:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish Accident:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three
times to pee."

thedrifter

01-16-03, 01:18 AM

Irish Predicament:

Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers
into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down
but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either.

Irish Last Request:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

thedrifter

01-16-03, 01:24 AM

Cajun Funeral

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin,
Boudreaux made his confession. "We all been friend for tirty years and
been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis before because I didn't wanna
ruin our friendship, but Im gay.

Fontenot looked over at Thibodueaux and said, "We kinda figured dat out
a while back, but wadn't gonna say nutin' because we didn't wanna
embarrass you.

Boudreaux thanked them for thier understanding and continued: "Da reason
I'm tollin' ya'll dis is cause I got AIDS and I got six munts to live.
Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll
won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be
cremated." "Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up over
dis here water, where we've spent! so much time togeder."

Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what
their friend had asked. Sho'nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and
they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to
trow them out when Thibodeaux stopped him:

"Wait, you gotta say somtin," he said. "I donno what to say. I never was
much about goin' to church, "Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux, he scratch
his head. "Just say somtin'... anyting. Make it ryhme."

Fontenot him, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes
out over da water and said: "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If you liked
pussy, You'd be here wit us!!!

thedrifter

01-16-03, 08:14 AM

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to
Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies,
"Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that
question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the
loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember
how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then
you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when
was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

thedrifter

01-16-03, 08:16 AM

Some professors are pretty smart !

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

thedrifter

01-16-03, 11:07 AM

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers
in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and
some bad news. First, the good.

Private Buford will be setting the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Buford was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news.
Private Buford will be driving a truck."

thedrifter

01-16-03, 11:09 AM

It was a hand-to-hand fighting exercise.
"Have I done him any damage?"
the recruit asked his instructor,
"No, but keep on swinging your rifle....
The draft may give him a cold!"

The Marine and His Daughters
There was a Marine who had three daughters. He was in a habit of worrying
about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there.
The young man says: My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready.

The Marine thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said:
My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?

Again the Marine thought it was cute and let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said:
My name is Chuck, .............The Marine shot him!

Sidewinder

01-16-03, 12:12 PM

A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

Sidewinder

01-16-03, 12:15 PM

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

Sidewinder

01-16-03, 12:18 PM

Two brothers enlisting in the Marine Corps were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p@nises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p@nises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Sidewinder

01-16-03, 12:30 PM

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb...

Sidewinder

01-16-03, 12:33 PM

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

thedrifter

01-17-03, 07:44 AM

A Volkswagen pulls up along side of an immense Rolls Royce;
> the driver rolls down his window and yells to the other driver,
> "Have you got a built-in cell phone in there?".
> The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
> "I got one too... see?"
> "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
>
> "You got a fax machine?"
> "Why, actually, yes, I do."
> "I do too! See? It's right here!"
> "Uh-huh."
>
> The light is just about to turn green and the
> guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have
> a double bed in back there?"
> And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
> "Yep, got my double bed right in back here.
> See?!" The light turns and the man in the
> Volkswagen takes off.
>
> Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be
> one-upped, so he goes immediately to a
> customizing shop and orders them to put a
> double bed in back of his car. About two weeks
> later, the job is finally done, and he picks up
> his car and drives all over town looking for the
> Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside
> the road. So he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
> The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged
> up, and he feels a little awkward about it, but
> he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and
> taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
>
> The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the
> window a crack and peeks out.
> The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey! Remember me?"
> "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
> "Check this out... I got a double bed installed
> in my Rolls."
>
> And the man in the Volkswagen says, "YOU
> GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
> TELL ME THAT?!"

thedrifter

01-17-03, 07:45 AM

A man walked into a cowboy bar near
> Waco, TX and ordered a beer, just as
> former President Clinton appeared on the
> television.
>
> After a few sips, he looked up at the
> television and mumbled, "Now,
> there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
>
> A customer at the end of the bar quickly
> stood up, walked over to him, and
> decked him.
>
> A few minutes later, as the man was
> finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton
> appeared on the television. "She's a
> horse's ass too," the man said.
>
> This time, a customer at the other end
> of the bar quickly stood up, walked
> over to him and knocked him flat.
>
> The man said, climbing back up to the
> bar, "This must be Clinton country!"
> "Nope,........." the bartender replied,
> "Horse country".

thedrifter

01-17-03, 07:47 AM

I was somewhat surprised this morning when I walked into my office
and
> > discovered them having sex on my desk in my office. Not only was I
> > embarrassed, but they were as well. After all, getting caught is
only
> > half
> > the problem...confessing to their spouses, that will be another
issue
> > all
> > together.
> >
> > They might deny it, but fortunately I had my digital camera and was
able
> > to quickly get a shot before they both ran off.
> >
> > I though you might enjoy seeing the evidence I've collected.
> >

thedrifter

01-17-03, 07:50 AM

This is from our Cas.........

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed.
> The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has
> multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his
> little koala clothes.
> The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God,
> that was great! Now I need my money."
> The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
> Then the hooker says: "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how
> I make a living."
> The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes.
> Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary
> and thumbs through it to "hooker."
> She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: HOOKER: Person who has sex
> for money."
> Then the koala bear turns the page to"koala bear" and walks out the
> door.
> The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves..

thedrifter

01-17-03, 07:55 AM

Marines Go Hunting
Two Marines were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose.
As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one
week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."

When he returned to the lake, he found the Marines proudly standing beside two moose.
"I told you Marines only one moose!" the furious flier screamed.
"There's NO WAY the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"You're just a chicken pilot,"one Marine said. "We killed two moose last year and that
pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered.
"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."

They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff.
The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded
aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.

Some time later, the Marines regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied,
"Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

thedrifter

01-17-03, 09:00 PM

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broke into a store. At the scene,
the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store
(to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, -
to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire.
The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared
at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

The Marine and His Daughters
There was a Marine who had three daughters. He was in a habit of worrying
about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there.
The young man says: My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready.

The Marine thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said:
My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?

Again the Marine thought it was cute and let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said:
My name is Chuck, .............The Marine shot him!

thedrifter

01-17-03, 09:00 PM

You're Not a Marine
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base.
He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, My car broke down. Do you think I could
stay the night?

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound.
All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you.
You're not a Marine.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the
Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters.

That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, We can't tell you.
You're not a Marine. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the
only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?
The Marines reply, You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous
behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted.
From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight,
fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat
the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine.

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training,
and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars,
and three police actions.

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last
heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says,
I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God,
Country, and the Corps. The Marines reply, Congratulations. You are now a Marine.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says,
The sound is right behind that door.The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. may I have the key?

The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the
wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is another door,
this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, This is the last key to the last door. The man is
relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed
to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

thedrifter

01-17-03, 09:01 PM

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -
How is it possible to have a civil war? -- George Carlin

The DI and Recruit

As a group of Marines stood in formation at a Marine Corps Base,
the Drill Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad
wandered away, one recruit remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

thedrifter

01-18-03, 09:46 AM

THE SOUTHERN PREACHER.....

The southern preacher rose with a red face "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I am a member of the
K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand
and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde
with a body that would not stop - rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I
never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told
a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."

thedrifter

01-18-03, 09:47 AM

Hasty Departure*
>
> A young Ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty
> when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the
> ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks
> buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out
> of the channel.
>
> The Ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
> abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer
> under way. The Ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all
> surprised when another Seaman approached him with a message from the
> Captain.
>
> He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message,
> and he was even more surprised when he read,
>
> "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation
> exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste,
> however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the
> Captain is aboard before getting under way."
>

thedrifter

01-18-03, 09:48 AM

Chicken Wire
>>>>
>>>>An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching
>>the sun
>>>>
>>>>rise.
>>>>
>>>>He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under is
>>arm.
>>>>
>>>>He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
>>>>
>>>>Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>>>>
>>>>Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
>>>>
>>>>Old man yells "You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
>>>>wire!"
>>>>
>>>>Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>>>>
>>>>That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
>>
>>>>surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30
>>>>chickens
>>>>caught in it.
>>>>
>>>>Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and
>>he
>>>>sees
>>>>the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
>>>>
>>>>Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>>>>
>>>>Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
>>>>
>>>>Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>>>>
>>>>Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
>>>>
>>>>Old man yells back, "You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
>>>>tape!"
>>>>
>>>>Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>>>>
>>>>That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
>>
>>>>man's
>>>>amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape
>>with
>>>>about 35 ducks caught in it..
>>>>
>>>>Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
>>what
>>>>looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
>>>>
>>>>Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>>>>
>>>>Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
>>>>
>>>>Old man says "Wait up..... I'll get my hat"
>

thedrifter

01-18-03, 05:08 PM

>>"Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each!
> > > >
> > > > A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store
> > > > in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she
notices
> > > > box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money
Back
> > > >
> > > > >>Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
> > > >
> > > > The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
> > > > whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
> > > > The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions
> > > > carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
> > > > home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl
takes
> > >out
> > > > the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exact! ly what it
> says
> > > > to do:
> > > > 1. Take a shower.
> > > > 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
> > > > 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
> > > > 4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".
> > > >
> > > > She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,
> > > > nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at
> > > > this point.She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom
> > > > of the paper it says,
> > > >
> > > > >>"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
> > > > store."So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had
> > > > some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
> > > > Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.The girl
> > > > welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to
the
> > > > instructions and the damn thing j! ust sits there."The man, looking
> very
> > >concerned, picks up the frog, st ares directly into its eyes and
sternly
> > >says:
> > > > "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more
> time!"
> > >

thedrifter

01-18-03, 05:09 PM

"I Love You" in 17 languages....
> >
> > In case words fail you, here's how to
> > say "I Love You" in 17 languages
> >
> > English . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> > I Love You
> >
> > Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .
> > Te Amo
> >
> > French . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
> > Je T'aime
> >
> > German . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
> > lch Liebe Dich
> >
> > Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> > Ai****e Imasu
> >
> > Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .. . .
> > Ti Amo
> >
> > Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .
> > Wo Ai Ni
> >
> > Swedish . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> > Jag Alskar
> >
> > Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma,
> > Louisiana, North Carolina,
> > South Carolina, Georgia,
> > Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi,
> > West Virginia and Kentucky . . .. . . . . .Nice Ass.
> >

fabboss

01-18-03, 09:11 PM

Paddy o'Brian goes to confession, For give me fathre for I have sinned I had carnal knowledge with a young lady of the parish,

The priest of course immediatly berated the young mn for sinning and asked who the young lady was so sh could be made to repent for her sins.

Paddy replied Father I promised her I would not say her name and that I alone would suffer the repentance for our passion,

The Priest demanded to know who she was, It was that Mary O'Tierney wasn't it ,

Paddy replied of course not Father, and I still will not relate her name.

The Priest then said well if it wasn't Mary, It must have been Maureen Sullivan.

Again Paddy replied No Father and I still will not say Her name

Again the Priest said well it it wasn't Mary or Maureen, then it must have been with Kathleen O'Donalla,

Again Paddy replied no Father and I will hold by my vow and not mention her name,
The Father then relented and siad I respect you for holding with your word of honor and gave Paddy his penance to do,

Paddy left the confessional and sat by his friends Seamus and William who asked how it went , Paddy replied well got a good penance to do but also got three good leads....

leroy8541

01-18-03, 09:42 PM

A platoon of Taliban's were marching down this road when they came upon a large hill. Then a voice over the hill rang out : "One Marine can kick the **** out of a platoon of Taliban's".

The platoon leader sent the entire platoon over the hill and all hell broke loose, then silence.........and once again the voice rang out , "one Marine can kick the **** out of a company of Taliban's". The platoon leader called in a company of Taliban's and sent them over the hill and once more all hell broke loose...........Then silence... Then at the top of the hill came a lone Taliban soldier all shot to hell who said in a low gurgling voice, " Stop, don't send anymore troops, its a trap....there are two of them!

thedrifter

01-19-03, 08:35 AM

A famous Admiral and an equally famous Marine Corps General were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both "eminent warriors" were struggling helplessly in the water. The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.Catching his breath, the Admiral puffed" "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim, I'd be disgraced." "Don't worry, " the General said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my Marines find out I can't walk on water".

thedrifter

01-19-03, 08:37 AM

One night, a torrential rain soaked northern Minnesota; the next morning
> the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
>
> Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Anderson,
> waiting for help to come.
>
> Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she
> saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house;
it
> kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her
> curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Anderson, "Do you see
> dat dere baseball cap floatin' away from da house, den back again?"
>
> Mrs. Johnson said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband; I tole that lazyass he
> gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!
>

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:16 AM

Army vs Marines
Two Army Soldiers boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Army Soldiers.
The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Soldier in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marines shoe and spit in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the Soldier in the middle seat said,
"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Soldier
picked up the Marines other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all
sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:16 AM

The Girl and her Marine Boyfriend
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told
me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well last
night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Marine Corps"
The doc asked, "Active or retired?"
The girl said "If he wasn't active,
I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:17 AM

Not me, Sir!
A Drill Instructor had just chewed out one of his recruits, and as he was walking away,
he turned to the recruit and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The recruit replied, "Not me, Sir...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Marine Corps I'd never stand in another line!"

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:18 AM

Misunderstanding Terms
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:18 AM

Drunken First Mate
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened
to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote:

The first mate was drunk today.

He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the
captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log
it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.

The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in
the log, he wrote:

The captain was sober today.

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:19 AM

The Last Laugh

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive
industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the
Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:20 AM

crusty old U. S. Marine Colonel found himself at a gala event
downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way
all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Colonel said, "just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen
a lot of action." The Colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady,
tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up a little --
relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well that's the hang-up -- you really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his atter-of-fact voice,
Oh, I don't know, it's only 2130 now."

thedrifter

01-19-03, 09:21 AM

The Military Rest Room

Two military guys go into a restroom. One is in the Navy and the other
is a Marine. When they are done, the navy guy goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands,
while the Marine starts to leave.

The Navy guy yells to the Marine, "The Navy teaches us to wash our hands."

The Marine yells back, "The Marines teach us not to **** on ours!"

thedrifter

01-21-03, 07:51 AM

Wild Jamaican Sex

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an
Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble
shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you Would be interested in. Dey make you
wild at
sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the
sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in
his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican
then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

thedrifter

01-21-03, 07:58 AM

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed

home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear

Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at

home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to

switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,

Sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for
his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the
dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills
and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum,
dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and

got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got
the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched
TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,
he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without
a complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't
know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
all day. Please, oh! please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your
lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have
to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.

thedrifter

01-21-03, 08:09 AM

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to **** on our hands ...! "

thedrifter

01-21-03, 08:14 AM

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

thedrifter

01-21-03, 08:17 AM

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

Kegler300

01-21-03, 03:58 PM

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it's not Cheerios."

thedrifter

01-21-03, 06:25 PM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be an Officer."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

thedrifter

01-22-03, 08:10 AM

Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course not.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.
.
.
.
Don't
tell the secret
to others,
just send
them this e-mail!

Smile & have
a great day!

greybeard

01-22-03, 11:42 PM

(Maybe this has been promulgated here previously)But.......

IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!

All K-Marts & Wal-Marts in Bagdad have been closed down. They will be replaced by-
>
>
>
>
Targets

thedrifter

01-23-03, 07:34 AM

sent to me by Cas

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
> When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets
> back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!".. She says, "Well put
> them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
> He does and that warms him up.. After lunch he goes back out to chop
> some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! - My hands are
> really freezing!".. She says again, "Well put them here between my legs
> and warm them up.".. He does, and again that warms him up.
> After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When
> he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
> She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
> get cold?"

thedrifter

01-23-03, 07:35 AM

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the

horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why

are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that

they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried,

"Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I

think he wants to buy Mom

thedrifter

01-23-03, 11:16 AM

COMMUNICATION-
OBFUSCATION/ CONFUSION
Make Sure You’re Understood

A Colonel issued the following directive to his Executive Officer: “Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will be visible in the area, an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In the case of rain , we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show films of it.”

Executive Officer to Company Commander: “By order of the colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

Company Commander to Lieutenant: “By order of the colonel in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening, the phenomenal Haley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

Lieutenant to Sergeant: “Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the colonel will appear in the theater with Haley’s Comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the colonel will order the Comet into the battalion area.”

Sergeant to Squad: “When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Haley, accompanied by the colonel, will drive his Comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

thedrifter

01-23-03, 11:20 AM

fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island after being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle: a perfect night for romance! Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the fighter pilot, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the fighter pilot, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

The fighter pilot started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

thedrifter

01-24-03, 07:40 AM

Resume Time

An employment recruiter ("headhunter") inadvertently sent a letter to an A-10 pilot requesting his resume. His actual reply follows the letter of request:

Dear Sir:

I am a recruiter in Dallas that specializes in placing students from key universities in the positions they desire to be in with my clients across the nation. I work with companies of all sizes and industries.

I received your name from several other members of the "Association of Former Students" here at Texas A&M University that I am currently working with. Feel comfortable that your information is confidential with my company. I would like to discuss whether you are currently in the market or even keeping your eyes open for the right opportunity. I would like to see a current copy of your resume to see what
opportunities that you may be perfect for. Please send your resume via e-mail or fax to my attention, and I will follow up with you in the next few days to determine your level of interest.

I thank you in advance for your response. Please e-mail me back at xxxxxxx@odellrecruits.com" , or call me direct at (800)880-xxxx, Ext. #395.

Sincerely,

Aaron McCartney, Senior Recruiting Consultant
Odell & Associates
------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. McCartney:

This is in response to the email you sent me regarding your services as a recruiter. Currently, I am employed as a US Air Force Fighter Pilot flying A-10 Thunderbolts for the 25TH Fighter Squadron, Osan AFB, Republic of Korea.

My contract with the USAF does not expire until 2006. Here are some of my qualifications nonetheless, just in case any of your clients are need of someone with my expertise:

1. The ability to employ my aircraft, the feared A-10 Warthog, as one of the most capable ground attack/CAS platforms in the world.

2. Protect South Korea from communist hordes led by the Great Pornographer, Kim Jung Ill.

3. Drop cluster munitions from 10,000 feet onto unsuspecting DANKS (dumb ass North Koreans) and send 202 individual bomblets of wrath and fury into their starving, bloated, pink bodies.

4. Take a 6000 foot slant range Forced-No-Solution High-angle gun shot and kill troops in their wimpy little APC's with reckless abandon. (Do you have any idea, Mr. McCartney, what a 30mm Armor Piercing Incendiary round that is as long as your forearm does as it boars through a tank's walls like Jell-O? Let me tell you, it's not pretty.)

5. Get wicked-ass-drunk at the Officer's club on Friday nights, smokin' big fat Cuban cigars (this is Korea, not the US), drink Gin and Tonics like water, throw furniture off the roof, say 'f*ck' a lot, and **** off all the wives and hapless souls who hate our guts because they are not fighter pilots.

Mr. McCartney, I have no idea how to "hold a meeting," "do a memo," "take a lunch," "think outside the box" or even sit behind a desk for that matter. I only eat, sleep, fly, and drink. I am an instrument of national policy the likes of which your clients probably have never seen. I would just as soon detonate a 500 pound Mark 82 Air Burst 20 feet above a DANK playground than wander through some corporate office blabbering about business plans and the latest episode of Ally "eat a friggin sandwich" McBeal.

Thank you for your letter and please let me know if any of your associates show interest in my capabilities. I look forward to hearing from you.

thedrifter

01-24-03, 07:41 AM

RULES FOR ENTERING TEXAS
The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter Texas:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

************************************************** *******************
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

************************************************** ********************
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells.

That's what they smell like to you.

They smell like money to us.

Get over it.

Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.

Pick one.

************************************************** ********************
4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car.

We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

************************************************** ********************

5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.

Try to understand the concept.

************************************************** *******************

6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.

*****! ************************************************** ***************

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

************************************************** ******************
8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads.

You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

************************************************** ********************
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.

It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

************************************************** *******************
10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped...
by our women.

************************************************** ********************
11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

************************************************** *******************

12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.

Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

************************************************** ********************

13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices~ salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.

************************************************** ********************
14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it!
You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.

You bring Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

************************************************** ********************

15. Yeah, we have sweet tea.

It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
************************************************** ********************

16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

*****! ************************************************** ***************

17. Yeah, we have golf courses.

Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

************************************************** ********************

18. Colleges?

Try Texas A&M.

They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

************************************************** ********************

19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!

************************************************** *******************
20. Our military is only used as a back up.

Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

************************************************** ********************

21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas"

GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!

thedrifter

01-24-03, 07:43 AM

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
> Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
> Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
> The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three
> years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got
> pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and
> Earline got pregnant again.
> Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
> pregnant again."Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this
> year that's different?"
> Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

thedrifter

01-24-03, 07:53 AM

Food Groups)

** Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. ** Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

**Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. **

** To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy. So, candy bars are a health food.

**
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Remember - - - "STRESSED"spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

firstsgtmike

01-24-03, 07:58 AM

I've never posted on this forum before, but I found this, liked it, and wanted to share it. If you've got a ***** about it, or a comment about it, contact me on another forum, because I doubt if I will be back here.
------------------------------

Four retired Navy vets are walking down the street window shopping.

Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans
Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that
doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other
then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case,
they could judge the 'book by its cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a
martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis
- shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The
four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each
other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,
finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four
excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
"That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two
martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally
one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here.
And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste
money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master
Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last
year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this
place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine,
liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of
them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three
other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front
of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the
end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines.
They're waiting for happy hour."

ladileathrnek

01-24-03, 10:06 AM

*************************
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
*************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
*************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:28 PM

Mark your calendars!

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.

Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak & BJ Day."

Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town----the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ.

That's it.

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.

So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:44 PM

THE SON TEST!

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... "

"What's this mean!?" his wife asked quizzically.

"I'm afraid our son's going to be a politician!"

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:47 PM

New study.

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.

10% of women think their ass is too little.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:49 PM

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!

Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the man standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," croaks the old man...."But it's startin'

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:51 PM

The funeral.

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. All of the local area physicians attended the service. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynecologist."

Upon hearing this the proctologist fainted.

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:53 PM

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite.....

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning.

And remember: . .. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Flowers smile.

Barrio_rat

01-24-03, 12:56 PM

I hate my job day

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this : On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement : "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times : "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company." Have a nice week and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

Art Petersn

01-24-03, 04:56 PM

REMEMBER?

#1 - We licked the beaters and didn't have anyone
telling us we were going to become deathly ill from
eating batter with raw eggs in it!

#2 - At Easter time, we had our dyed Easter eggs in a
nest on the counter and they sat out at room
temperature for the week after Easter. We would peel
one whenever we felt like it.

I Can't Believe We Made It" !

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's,
60's or 70's.
Looking back, it's hard to believe that
we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with
no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the
back of a pickup truck on a warm day was
always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright
colored lead-based paint. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors,
or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets.

Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a
young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and
not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-carts
out of scraps and then rode down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few times we learned
to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play
all day, as long as we were back when the
streetlights came on. No one was able to reach
us all day.

No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball
and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We
got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and
there were no law suits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame,
but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and
got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank
sugar soda but we were never overweight...we
were always outside playing. We shared one
grape soda with four friends, from one bottle
and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64,
X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on
cable, video tape movies, surround sound,
personal cell phones, Personal Computers,
Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We
went outside and found them. We rode bikes
or walked to a friend's home and knocked on
the door, or rung the bell or just walked in
and talked to them.

Imagine such a thing. Without asking a
parent! By ourselves! Out there in the
cold cruel world! Without a guardian.
How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis
balls and ate worms and although we were
told it would happen, we did not put out
very many eyes, nor did the worms live
inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone
made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn
to deal with disappointment..... Some students
weren't as smart as others so they failed a
grade and were held back to repeat the same
grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for
any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were
expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of
a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law,
imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors,
ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the
luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and
government regulated our lives, for our own
good.

Phantom Blooper

01-24-03, 07:31 PM

Once upon a time there was a little sparrow,who hated to fly south for the winter.he dreaded the thought of leaving his home so much that he decided that he would delay his journey to the last possible moment. After bidding farewell to all of his sparrow friends he went back to his nest and stayed for an additional four weeks.Finally he could not delay his trip any longer,because the weather had turned bitterly cold. As the little sparrow took off and started to fly south it started to rain. In a short time ice bagan to form on his little wings. Almost dead from cold and exhaustion he fell to earth into a barnyard. As he was breathing what he thought to be his last breath a horse came into the yard and proceeded to cover him with fertilizer.At first the sparrow could think of nothing,except that this is a terrible way to die. But as the fertilizer started to sink into his feathers,it warmed him and life began to return to his body.He also found that he had enough room to breathe. Suddenly the little sparrow was so happy that he began to sing. At that moment a large cat came into the barnyard and hearing the chirping of the litttle bird,began digging in the pile of fertilizer to find out where the sound was coming from. The cat finally uncovered the bird and ate him. NOW THIS STORY CONTAINS THREE MORALS: Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. Not everyone that takes sh*t off of you is your friend. When your warm and happy,even in a pile of sh*t,KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!

wrbones

01-24-03, 09:10 PM

> > > Subject: Trees
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> >> > >> >
> > >> > Two tall trees, a birch and a beech,
> are growing in the woods. A small
> > >> > tree begins to grow between them, and
> the beech says to the birch: "Is
> > >> > that
> > >> > a son of a beech or a son of a
> birch?"
> > >> >
> > >> > The birch says he cannot tell.
> > >> >
> > >> > Just then a woodpecker lands on the
> sapling.
> > >> >
> > >> > The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are
> a tree expert. Can you tell if
> > >> > that is a son of a beech or a son of
> a birch?"
> > >> >
> > >> > The woodpecker takes a taste of the
> small tree. He replies:
> > >> > "It is neither a son of a beech nor a
> son of a birch. It is, however,
> > >> > the best piece of Ash I have ever put
> my pecker in."
>
>
>

Phantom Blooper

01-24-03, 10:19 PM

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away,Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side.When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death,her grandmother explained"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified,Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble."Oh,no dearie," her grandmother replied,"We had sex every Sunday morning,in time with the church bells-in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear: "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past,he'd still be alive.":banana:

thedrifter

01-25-03, 12:05 AM

Don't Call Me..............

Osotogary

01-25-03, 12:28 AM

Add your own caption. Thanks wrbones for your help.
Gary

Phantom Blooper

01-25-03, 08:26 AM

Little Billy needed to go to the bathroom and found it occupied by his grandma. His grandma let him in,as she was drying off from her morning shower. Billy asked her,"Grandma,what's that between your legs?" Grandma said,"Sweetie, that's my squirrel." Billy was satisfied with her answer and left the bathroom. The next morning Billy again had to use the bathroom and found his mother taking a shower. Billy asked her,"Mommy, what's that between your legs?" His Mother said,"Honey,that's my squirrel." Again ,Billy was satified with the answer. That morning at the breakfast table Billy asked his grandma,"Grandma,why is your squirrel gray,and Mommies squirrel is brown?" Well ,Billy Grandma said ,"If your Mother's squirrel cracked as many nuts' as my squirrel has,your mother's squirrel would be gray too!":)

thedrifter

01-25-03, 01:05 PM

PECKER FALLING OFF....

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend
his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in
Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very
weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of
his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he
had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete
amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct.
We must amputate right away.'

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he
visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the
time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but
said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop.
Amputation not necessary'

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks
and it fall off on its own.'

thedrifter

01-25-03, 01:45 PM

The young Marine Lieutenant approached the crusty old Sergeant Major and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officers’ insignias.
"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a 1st Lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make Captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

As a Colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

thedrifter

01-25-03, 01:47 PM

#5 A Private First Class saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

#4 A Sergant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

#3 A 2nd Lieutenant saying. "Based on my experience..."

#2 A 1st Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

#1 A Gunny chuckling, "Watch this sh!t..."

Osotogary

01-25-03, 04:38 PM

This cartoon was inspired by a recent post. I had fun drawing it.
Gary

Shaffer

01-25-03, 06:09 PM

LOL...Outstanding Osotogary. We had a couple tall guys in bootcamp and the DI's would make them squat down to their height as they yelled at them.

Jerry

thedrifter

01-25-03, 11:36 PM

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a
> > >friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "how will I
> >recognize
> > >him?"
> > > "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
> > > So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
> >looking for a
> > >male or female horse.
> > > "'A female horth." So he shows him his prize filly.
> > > "Nith looking horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy
picks
> >up the
> > >midget and he gives the horses eyes the once over.
> > > "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the
little
> >fella
> > >up again, and shows him the horses ears.
> > > "Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf?" The rancher is getting
> >pretty
> > >bent out of shape by this point, but he picks him up again
> >and shows him
> > >the horses mouth.
> > > "Nith mouf, can I see her twat?"
> > > Totally steamed at this point, the rancher grabs him under
> >his arm
> > >and jams the midget's face smack against the horse's ass,
> >pulls him
> > >away and slams him on the ground! The midget gets
> >up,sputtering and
> > >coughing.
> > > "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun
awound
> >a
> > >widdle bit?"
> >

thedrifter

01-25-03, 11:37 PM

. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A.. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
improving
their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

thedrifter

01-26-03, 08:48 AM

Make Sure You’re Understood

A Colonel issued the following directive to his Executive Officer: “Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will be visible in the area, an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In the case of rain , we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show films of it.”

Executive Officer to Company Commander: “By order of the colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

Company Commander to Lieutenant: “By order of the colonel in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening, the phenomenal Haley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

Lieutenant to Sergeant: “Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the colonel will appear in the theater with Haley’s Comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the colonel will order the Comet into the battalion area.”

Sergeant to Squad: “When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Haley, accompanied by the colonel, will drive his Comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

thedrifter

01-26-03, 08:50 AM

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said,
"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings:

“Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?”

The voice on the other end answered. “Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson’s command jeep.”

“Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?”

“No sir.”

“This is Major Johnson, your Commander!”

“Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?”

“Not yet!”

“That’s good! Bye, Fat-Ass!”

thedrifter

01-26-03, 08:52 AM

Of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just theory, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a Captain, gives his Marines a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess room.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

thedrifter

01-26-03, 08:53 AM

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:
HAIRCUTS:
Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:
Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:
Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MREs.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:
Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship.
Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.

CAREER FIELDS:
Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

thedrifter

01-27-03, 07:06 AM

A Doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a
baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to
respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived,
everything seemed to be going well.

As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts".
And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled,

"Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run
was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into
applause
and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all
started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well......the doctor decided to go get a
beer and a hotdog.........leaving his assistant in charge. When he
returned,
there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Everything was going just fine until this guy
walked by and yelled...... "PEANUTS"

thedrifter

01-27-03, 07:09 AM

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking Gunny at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

thedrifter

01-27-03, 07:10 AM

A young Marine officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which were subsequently amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became a General. He remained, however, very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the new General was interviewing three young officers for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was a Artillery Officer and it was a great interview. At the end the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young artilleryman answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Supply Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, you have no ears."

The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Tank Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers put together. The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Tanker said, "Yes, you wear contact lenses."

The General was impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant young officer, and he didn't mention my ears.

"And how do you know that?" the General asked.

The Tanker replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freakin’ ears."

thedrifter

01-27-03, 07:11 AM

A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp LeJeune, N.C., and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back."
The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's offer. One Marine gets up and leaves.
Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine.

"Yep," replies the SEAL, and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels.

Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement.

The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?"

The Marine replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"

thedrifter

01-27-03, 07:12 AM

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired his full benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ...

"From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

thedrifter

01-27-03, 06:52 PM

Click the Link

http://www.animatusstudio.com/sumo/index.html

Meet SU and MO, the lap-dancing bad boys of animation. These twin brothers are notorious for their patent-
pending EXTREME LAP DANCING that they perform at the world famous Club Hippendale's. Why do they
dance? With bodies like that, how can they not? Plus, the loot they get stuffed down their "mawashis" is
good pay and helps them finance their animated films. Su and Mo were once featured on the hugely popular
Icebox.com.

EPISODE ONE You the home viewer get to act as a club attendee. By clicking on the women patrons,
you can tip the exotic dancers with all manner of exotic foods.

EPISODE TWO What goes on after the boys' nightly show? Join them backstage as they count their
tips and endure withering glances from another jealous dancer.

thedrifter

01-28-03, 07:16 AM

The First Affair
> > >>There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
>teen-aged
> > >>daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
> > wanted.
> > >>After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
> > >>months later delivered
> > >>a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his
>new
> > >>son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
> > ever
> > >>seen.
> > >>
> > >>He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
> > >>father of that child "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
> > Then
> > >>he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
>me?"
> > >>
> > >>The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"
> > >>
> > >>The Second Affair
> > >>A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine the
>dead
> > >>bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
>examined
> > >>the body
> > >>of Mr. Brinkley, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
> > discovery:
> > >>Brinkley
> > >>had the longest private part he had ever seen!
> > >>
> > >>"I'm sorry Mr. Brinkley," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
>to
> > >>be cremated with a tremendously huge private
> > >>part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the
> > >>coroner used his tools
> > >>to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a
> > >>briefcase and took it home.
> > >>
> > >>The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
> > that
> > >>you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
> > >>
> > >>"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Brinkley is dead!"
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>The Third Affair
> > >>A man walks into a bar one night He goes up to the bar and asks for a
> > beer.
> > >>"Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The
> > >>barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he
>asks,
> > >>"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips,
> > >>peas, and a fried egg?"
> > >>"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
> > money."
> > >>
> > >>"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "FOUR
> > cents!"
> > >>exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman
> > replies,
> > >>"Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
> > >>
> > >>The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
> > >>
> > >>The Fourth Affair
> > >>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by
>his
> > >>side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
>praying
> > >>roused him from his slumber.
> > >>He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling
>Becky,"
> > >>he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
> > >>
> > >>He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
>I
> > >>must confess to you."
> > >>"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
> > >>
> > >>"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
> > >>
> > >>"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
> > >>friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
> > >>
> > >>"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
> > >>
> > >>The Fourth Affair
> > >>An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
> > evening.
> > >>He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
> > >>with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling,vSweetheart, Pumpkin,
>etc.
> > >>The couple had been married almost 70 years and,clearly, they were still
> > >>very much in love.
> > >>
> > >>While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
> > host,
> > >>"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
> > >>wife those loving pet names"
> > >>
> > >>The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I
> > >>forgot her name about 10 years ago."
> > >>

thedrifter

01-28-03, 07:19 AM

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
War Dims Hope for Peace.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy.

thedrifter

01-28-03, 07:20 AM

big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
> He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
> like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
> anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only
> one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
>
> "I have to take your temperature."
>
> After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
> his arms and opened his mouth.
>
> "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
> oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but
> eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse
> insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
> Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to
> his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears
> people walking past his door, laughing.
>
> After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
>
> "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
>
> Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
> someone having their temperature taken?"
>
> After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
>

thedrifter

01-28-03, 07:27 AM

Famous Quotes on Sex

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns

"I can remember when riding motorcycles was dangerous and having sex was safe."
Unknown

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry

"My kid had sex with your honor student."
Bumper Sticker

"My sexual preference is not you."
T-shirt

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz

"Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast."
Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
unknown

What do I know about SEX, "there sure isn't any where I'm going" Member - 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:28 AM

Buying a bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:29 AM

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts
wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She
takes
her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her
knee
and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes
her
scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No,"
she
says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your
finger
is broken.

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:30 AM

gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual
comments made by his patients made while he was performing
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:31 AM

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
> Amarillo
> > Theater.
> >
> > When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
> > cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
> >
> > The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
> >
> > The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from
there
> > I'm going to have to call the manager."
> >
> > Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
> >
> > The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned
> > with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move
the
> > cowboy, but with no success.
> >
> > Finally, they summoned the police.
> >
> > The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right
> > buddy, what's your name?"
> >
> > "Sam," the cowboy moaned.
> >
> > "Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
> >
> > With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:32 AM

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think, you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, and bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point,
the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the
bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if
she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt of court."

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:33 AM

Magic Beer.
Clever.

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the
bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk!"

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:35 AM

Life in Alabama

NEWS FLASH! - Montgomery, AL-----Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Alabama students crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Montgomery. The University search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
************************************************** ***********************
An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-59. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
************************************************** ***********************
A group of BAMA friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
************************************************** ***********************
Two Alabama football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _____." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer! in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
************************************************** ***********************
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overheard saying, if the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama. Everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world!
************************************************** ***********************
A young Tide Football player came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young player answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
************************************************** ***********************

thedrifter

01-29-03, 07:36 AM

Most of you know that Patton was a well known Army General. What
you may
> > not
> > know is that Patton hated Marines. As a matter of fact, he hated
Marines
> > so
> > much that whe he died and went to Heaven, he had only one request
of St.
> > Peter before entering: "St. Peter" said Patton "I am very happy to
have
> > made
> > it to heaven, but before I come in you must tell me if there are
any
> > Marines
> > in Heaven. I'm sick of them. They were always outdoing my Army
troops
and
> >
> > making us look bad. They always got all the credit as the best
fighting
> > force
> > on earth. Now
> > I want to spend eternity in peace, without Marines!" St. Peter
chuckled
> > slightly and said, "Patton, you don't have to worry about that.
Marines
> > are
> > too wild and crazy for Heaven. We can't have them here, they make
too
> > much
> > noise and cause a lot of trouble." With that, Patton gave a sigh of
> > relief
> > and went on in to Heaven. He decided to take a tour around to see
his
new
> >
> > eternal home. Patton saw all the wonderous beauties and was smiling
and
> > whistling. Then he turned the corner onto Main Street and he saw
it.. He
> > became furious and went running back to the gates of Heaven. "St.
Peter!"
> >
> > cried Patton "You promised me there were no Marines in Heaven, but
I was
> > just
> > on Main Street and I saw a Marine standing tall and proud in his
Dress
> > Blues
> > and shiny shoes. Right there in front of my own eyes!" St. Peter
chuckled
> > to
> > himself and said, "Patton, calm down, that's not a Marine, I told
you we
> > can't have them in Heaven. That's God, he just
> > thinks he's a Marine."
> >

Rob Parry

01-29-03, 10:15 AM

Morning America, this came to us from an Australian, so it's not ALL my fault. I'm just repeating the heresy.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a
Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.

The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all
excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to
the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message
said:

"Watch out for these a$$holes, they have come to steal your land."

Go on smile. Group hug everybody, mwah, mwah.

Art Petersn

01-29-03, 01:15 PM

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists
you
tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all
have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing
the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

thedrifter

01-30-03, 07:58 AM

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass

thedrifter

01-30-03, 07:59 AM

man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him
one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at
the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always
beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left
the cat there....

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers... "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered: "Put the SOB on the phone,
I'm lost and need directions!"

thedrifter

01-30-03, 08:00 AM

. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? (You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)

thedrifter

01-30-03, 08:00 AM

DOCTORS

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man and put in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Russian says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." The Texas doctor, not be outdone says "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for 2 years, and now half the country is looking for work."

thedrifter

01-30-03, 08:02 AM

Kids Say the Darndest Things

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
>
>sports,
>
>she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
>
>and dip coming. ~Alan, age 10
>
>
>
>No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
>
>marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
>
>you're
>
>stuck with.
>
>~Kirsten, age 10
>
>
>
>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
>
>
>Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
>
>then. ~Camille, age 10
>
>
>
>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
>
>
>
>You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
>
>the same kids. ~Derrick, 8
>
>
>
>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
>
>
>
>Both don't want any more kids.
>
>~Lori, age 8
>
>
>
>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
>
>
>
>Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
>
>each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
>
>~Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure?)
>
>
>
>WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
>
>
>
>The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
>
>that. ~Curt, age 7
>
>
>
>The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
>
>them
>
>and
>
>have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
>
>~Howard, age 8
>
>
>
>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
>
>
>
>I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
>
>going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
>
>~Theodore, age 8
>
>
>
>It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
>
>to clean up after them. ~Anita, age 9 (Bless you child.)
>
>
>
>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
>
>
>
>There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? ~Kelvin,
>
>age 8
>
>
>
>And the #1 Favorite is........
>
>
>
>"HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
>
>
>
>Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
>
>~Ricky age 10

thedrifter

01-30-03, 08:49 PM

Valentine's Days Funnies

Just in time for Valentine's Day. Something to write in that
special card........

These were entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with
the
most
romantic first line, but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, cause I was ****ed.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowls
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only I could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

SHOOTER1

01-30-03, 10:33 PM

Roger keep them comming, specially the Blonde ones, my wife is Blonde, and loves them,

thedrifter

01-31-03, 07:53 AM

If you have moles in your yard this is a sure fire bet on getting rid
of
> those little pesky critters. Make sure you have your sound on when
you go
> to this site for instructions:
>
> http://www.transload.net/~terrisfunnypages/movies/mole.swf
>

thedrifter

01-31-03, 07:54 AM

Actual Newspaper Headlines.

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

thedrifter

01-31-03, 08:22 AM

thedrifter

01-31-03, 08:22 AM

A major is walking down the street when he notices a little boy playing with a pile of crap. The major stops and asks the boy why he is playing with the pile of crap. The boy replies, “I’m making an NCO!.”
The major begins laughing when a colonel approaches him and asks what is so funny. The major points to the boy and starts laughing hysterically. The colonel then asks the boy what he is doing, the boy replies, “I’m making an NCO!”

The major and the colonel are now laughing when a general approaches the two. They point to the boy and the general asks the boy what is he doing. The boy again replies, “I’m making an NCO!”

All three officers are laughing when the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps approaches and asks what is so funny. All three officers point to the boy laughing even harder then before when the Sergeant Major asks the boy what he was doing. Again the boy reply’s “I’m making an NCO!”

Now all three officers are laughing hysterically when the Sergeant Major asks the boy why is he making an NCO. The boy replies, “Because I don’t have enough crap to make an officer!”

thedrifter

01-31-03, 08:23 AM

thedrifter

02-01-03, 08:58 AM

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so
he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so
gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had
finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I
am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."

"The funeral director," said his wife.

thedrifter

02-01-03, 08:58 AM

couple attending an art exhibition at the
> > > > National Gallery were staring at
> > > > a portrait that had them completely confused. The
> > > > painting depicted three
> > > > very black and totally naked men sitting on a
> > > > bench. Two of the figures had
> > > > black penises, but the one in the middle had a
> > > > pink penis.
> > > > The curator of the gallery realized that they were
> > > > having trouble
> > > > interpreting the painting and offered his
> > > > assessment. He went on for nearly
> > > > half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
> > > > emasculation of
> > > > African-Americans in a predominately white,
> > > > patriarchal society.
> > > >
> > > > "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics
> > > > believe that the pink penis
> > > > also reflects the cultural and sociological
> > > > oppression experienced by gay
> > > > men in contemporary society."
> > > >
> > > > After the curator left, a Scottish man approached
> > > > the couple and said,
> > > > "Would you like to know what the painting is
> > > > really about? "
> > > >
> > > > "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
> > > > than the curator of the
> > > >
> > > > gallery?" asked the couple.
> > > >
> > > > "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
> > > > "In fact, there are no
> > > >
> > > > African-Americans depicted at all. They're just
> > > > three Scottish coal-miners.
> > > > The only difference is, the guy in the middle went
> > > > home for lunch."
> > > >

thedrifter

02-01-03, 09:35 AM

A True Blonde

Is this a true blonde or what!!

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway. "Can you see the C:prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different approach. "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's
power plug. "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
" A sound of rustling and jostling, and a muffled "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged in."
Pause. "Yes, it is." Hmm.
Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the
power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe
the video cable is loose or something.
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
" Muffled, "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
" Still muffled, "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Clear again. "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage.
" A power--!?! ...AAAAAAARGH! "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" slam!

thedrifter

02-01-03, 09:35 AM

Package Stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(Too Late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds
off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news Flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)

THUS ENDS ANOTHER SAGA IN THE WORLD OF ADVERTISING PROOF READING.

thedrifter

02-01-03, 09:36 AM

THE REASONS WHY MEN SHOULD BE PROUD OF THEMSELVES

*Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*You know stuff about tanks.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
*You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
*You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
*You can leave the motel bed unmade.
*You can kill your own food.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be friends.
*Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
*If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
*You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
*Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
*Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
*You don't mooch off other's desserts.
*You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
*Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
*You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
*You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
*You don't have to shave below your neck.
*At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
*Your belly usually hides your big hips.
*One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
*You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
*You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
*Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

thedrifter

02-01-03, 09:36 AM

*Learn How To Talk Southern*

Tips for Northerners Visiting or Moving to the Southern States:

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

*If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

*Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

*Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.

*Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

*You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that! and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

*Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

*The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

*The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

*Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

*If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

*If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

*When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

*Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.

*In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

*If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

thedrifter

02-01-03, 09:37 AM

A man decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the man begins
to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately,
his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as his head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when..... the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Art Petersn

02-01-03, 02:56 PM

A PILOT'S TALE......

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.

They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground and a British Airways flight (radio call Speedbird 206)

after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways plane pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

SHOOTER1

02-01-03, 03:22 PM

Roger, Roger, yur killing me, dont stop, dont stop, im going to save that one, how do you find this stuff, more, more.

thedrifter

02-02-03, 07:15 AM

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
> > Deficit Disorder.
> >
> > This is how it manifests:
> > I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice
that
> > there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail
before
> > I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk
mail
> > in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is
full.
> > So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash
> > first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I
> > take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
> > I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one
check
> > left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk
> > where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I'm going
to
> > look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that
I
> > don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting
warm,
> > and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I
> > head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the
counter
> > catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the
> > counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching
for
> > all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm
> > going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the
counter,
> > fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone
> > left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to
watch
> > TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember
that
> > it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where
> > it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water
on the
> > flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote
back
> > down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I
head
> > down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
> > At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
> > there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers
> > aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I
can't
> > find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what
I
> > did with the car keys.
> > Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really
> > baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
tired. I
> > realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it,
> > but first I'll check my e-mail.
> > Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
> > because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
> >

thedrifter

02-02-03, 07:16 AM

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity by people who
don't
even
> > > play,
> > > > go to tournaments, or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed
light
on
> > > > reasons why.
> > > >
> > > > Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of
players
> > being
> > > > honorable people who don't need referees.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
> > > >
> > > > Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to
how
well
> > they
> > > > play. (My favorite)
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight
when
they
> > > > travel between tournaments.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts,
> because
> > > > of another player's deal.
> > > >
> > > > Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for
the
> courses
> > > > on which they play.
> > > >
> > > > When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them
or
back
> > > > them up.
> > > >
> > > > The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the
> National
> > > > Football League does in two.
> > > >
> > > > You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any
> tournament,
> > > > including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The
cost
for
> a
> > > > seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost
around
$300
> or
> > > > more.
> > > >
> > > > You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course,
watch
the
> > > > best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and
drink.
Try
> > > that
> > > > at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
> > > >
> > > > In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a
season,
> > like
> > > > the best baseball hitters (300 batting average) do.
> > > >
> > > > Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each
week.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
> > > >
> > > > Golf! doesn't have free agency.
> > > >
> > > > In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars,
would
> shake
> > > your
> > > > hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose
Canseco
> wore
> > > > T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
> > > >
> > > > You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a
tournament.
> > > >
> > > > At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports
stadiums and
> > > > arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and
nasty
> > name
> > > > calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
> > > >
> > > > Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry
Bonds
can
> > > > hit a baseball.
> > > >
> > > > Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
> > > > __________________________________________________ ____
> > > >
> > > > This is a slice of golf history you might enjoy. Why do
full-length
> golf
> > > > courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? How
many
of
> > > > you golfers know the answer to this one?
> > > >
> > > > During a discussion among the club's membership board at St.
Andrews
> in
> > > > 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18
shots
to
> > > > polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one
shot
of
> > > > Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished
when
> the
> > > > Scotch
> > > > ran out.
> > > >
> > > > Now you know.
> > > >

thedrifter

02-02-03, 07:18 AM

Subject: DOG FIGHT
> > >
> > > The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if
> > > they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the
world.
>
> > > So they sat down and
> > > decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.
> > > The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to
> develop
> > > the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would
earn
> > > its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to
> lay
> > > down its arms.
> > > The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
> > > world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with
the
>
> > > meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
> > > biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other
puppies
> > > and fed the lone dog all of the
> > > milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest
> > > for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up,
> they
> > > had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers
> > > could handle this beast.
> > > When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis
> > > showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund.
> > > Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird
> > > animal stood a chance against
> > > the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies
> > > predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.
> > > The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled
> > > toward the centre of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and
> > > charged the giant wiener-dog.
> > > As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the
> > > Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite.
> There
> > > was nothing left but a
> > > small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
> > > The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their
> > > heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and
> breeders
> > > worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and
> Rottweilers.
> > >
> > > They developed a killing machine."
> > > "Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top
> > > plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like
a
>
> > > Dachshund.

thedrifter

02-02-03, 07:21 AM

Most often used sexual position for married couples
>
>
> > It has been studied and determined
> >
> >
> >
> > that the most often used sexual position for married couples
> >
> >
> >
> > is the doggie position.
> >
> >
> >
> > The husband sits up and begs,
> >
> >
> >
> > and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Art Petersn

02-02-03, 09:53 AM

thedrifter

02-03-03, 08:27 AM

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing
could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty
divorce.. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and
would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!.. A week later,
Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had
purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but
Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress - I'll
look like a million in it!".. Jennifer told her mother, who graciously
replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR
special day, not hers.".. Two weeks later, another dress was finally
found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are
you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You
don't have any place to wear it.".. Sheila grinned and replied, "Of
course, I do, Dear - I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.....Now what woman wouldn't like this
story?!

steve evans

02-03-03, 07:08 PM

Question. How do you confuse a queer?

Answer. Purple:confused:

thedrifter

02-04-03, 09:49 AM

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

thedrifter

02-04-03, 09:50 AM

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"
A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!

thedrifter

02-04-03, 09:51 AM

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

thedrifter

02-04-03, 09:52 AM

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My ******* itches, and I can't scratch it!"

thedrifter

02-04-03, 09:52 AM

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:31 AM

This is for all you fledging bird men/women who ever wanted to be a chopper pilot. Good Luck

Can you fly the copter? Try your luck.

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

Sempers,

Roger

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:32 AM

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with
his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI
LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he
sat down wi! th his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could
spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN
INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a
good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and
fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE
IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his
TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in.....AMERICA.....

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:33 AM

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin '," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives,
eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the
60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 sharp."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning
at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:33 AM

Sung to the tune: "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:37 AM

Customer Service

This is a supposed true story, from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed, from recording, monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause." The following is an actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
"Went away?"
"They disappear" "Hmmm. so what does you screen look like now?"
"Nothing"
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV"
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well. then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is"
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is"
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer"
"I can't reach it"
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark"
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't "
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure"
"A power..... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet" "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f.' ing stupid to own a computer"

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:39 AM

Be sure to read it all to the very bottom...

----- Original Message -----

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by
an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of
course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the

web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at
the end is worth a read too....)

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.

1. Title

[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name: ............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:............................................. .
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:............................................. .
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):
......../......./......

4. Serial Number: ........................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missile
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[_] Home Computer
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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:

[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be
registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department, Military Aerospace
Division

IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named
above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating
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Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
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Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to
learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning
backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by
pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can
ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Sure, you can TRUST the Gov't. Ask any Indian.

thedrifter

02-06-03, 08:41 AM

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the
Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he
was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straightforward, and
the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day
interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up, and
when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
from the matzo, and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer, and every now and then, they send a box of
matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send
them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a
year, they send us a little prick like you."

thedrifter

02-07-03, 07:53 AM

> > A eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has
> > missed her period for two months.
> >
> > Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
> > The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> >
> > Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
>this
> > to you? I want to know!"
> >
> > The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand
> > new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with
>grey
> >
> > hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
> > enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
> > and
> > the girl, and tells them:
> >
> > "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However,
> > I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
> > charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a
> > beach
> > villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be
> > a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a
> > factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
> >
> > At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places
>a
> > hand
> > firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
> >
> > "You'll screw her again!!!"

thedrifter

02-07-03, 07:54 AM

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes

later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A

few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is

screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my

customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to

flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

thedrifter

02-07-03, 07:55 AM

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped.

The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"

"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd.

The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the shepherd said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," answered the young man.

"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did you ever guess that?"

"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question for which I already knew the answer. And, you don't have any idea what you're doing because you just took my dog

thedrifter

02-08-03, 10:40 AM

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him . . .

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks - - let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch - - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.
So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?

No. No. NO!"

thedrifter

02-08-03, 10:41 AM

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl, and her husband is on
the back of the milk carton

thedrifter

02-08-03, 01:12 PM

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

thedrifter

02-08-03, 01:14 PM

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"

thedrifter

02-08-03, 01:15 PM

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
------------------

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor...
''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''
------------------

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

thedrifter

02-08-03, 01:16 PM

never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

donaldduct

02-08-03, 05:46 PM

Of all the Lost Kid Stories that are circulating through e-mail nowadays, I really, really believe this one:
A small boy was lost in a rather large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and through tear filled eyes said, "I lost my Daddy!"
The policeman asked, "tell me son, what's he like?"
The little lad replies, "beer and tits"

Osotogary

02-08-03, 06:45 PM

There is a knock on Mrs.O'Briens door.
Please come on in Liam, you know that you are always welcome. Tell me Liam, where is my husband Sean? I know that you both walk home together after work. Where might my Dear Sean be? Well, Mrs.O'Brien, your loving husband Sean will no longer be coming home to see you.
Why is that, Liam?
You see, Mrs.O'Brien, there was an accident at the Guiness Brewery Plant where Sean and I work.
What happened to Sean, Liam?
Mrs.O'Brien, your husband fell into a vat of Guiness and drowned.
Tell me, Liam, did Sean "go quick"?
No Mrs.O'Brien, Sean did not "go quick".
How's that, Liam?
Well, Mrs. O'Brien, Sean got out three times to go pee.

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:22 AM

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:23 AM

adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles....(n) books of the Bible
tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:24 AM

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:25 AM

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:26 AM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:27 AM

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52...F-16...A-10

Q: What is Iraq's national bird ?
A: Duck

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?
A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....

thedrifter

02-09-03, 09:28 AM

JUST FAUX FUN

"Can you loan me faux dollars ?"
"What faux ?"
"To buy faux diamonds."

"What do you need with faux diamonds ?"
"I have sixteen, but I need faux more."

"Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?"
"No, just twenty, not twenty-faux ."

"You CAN'T be faux real ! Besides, I don't have faux dollars."
"Thanks faux nothing !"

"Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?"
"Well, it's faux pas."

"And why does pas need faux dollars ?"
"'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !"

thedrifter

02-10-03, 06:48 AM

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of
> > > >> > this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver
> > > >> > for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs
> > > >> > underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She
> > > >> > then sent it to radio station 103.2 on your FM
> > > >> > dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a
> > > >> > worst job experience contest.
> > > >> > Needless to say, she won.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Hi Sue,
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Just another note from your bottom-dwelling
> > > >> > brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.
> > > >> > I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
> > > >> > so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
> > > >> > make you realize it's not so bad after
> > > >> > all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
> > > >> > first must bore you with a few technicalities of
> > > >> > my job.
> > > >> > As you know, my office lies at the bottom of
> > > >> > the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a
> > > >> > wetsuit.This time of year the water is quite
> > > >> > cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have
> > > >> > a diesel powered industrial water heater.
> > > >> > This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water
> > > >> > out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
> > > >> > temperature. It then pumps it down to the
> > > >> > diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
> > > >> > the air hose.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've
> > > >> > used it several times with no complaints. What I
> > > >> > do, when I get to the bottom and start
> > > >> > working, is take the hose and stuff it down the
> > > >> > back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
> > > >> > suit with warm water. It's like working in a
> > > >> > Jacuzzi.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Everything was going well until all of a
> > > >> > sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I
> > > >> > scratched it. This only made things worse.
> > > >> > Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I
> > > >> > pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage
> > > >> > was done.In agony I realized what had happened.
> > > >> > The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
> > > >> > and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't
> > > >> > have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
> > > >> > stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was
> > > >> > not as fortunate.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
> > > >> > was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
> > > >> > crack of my butt.I informed the dive supervisor
> > > >> > of my dilemma over the communicator His
> > > >> > instructions were unclear due to the fact
> > > >> > that he, along with five other divers, were all
> > > >> > laughing hysterically.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Needless to say I aborted the dive.
> > > >> > I was instructed to make three agonizing
> > > >> > in-water decompression stops totaling thirty five
> > > >> > minutes before I could reach the surface to
> > > >> > begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
> > > >> > arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
> > > >> > my brass helmet.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with
> > > >> > tears of laughter running down his face, handed
> > > >> > me a tube of cream and told me to rub it
> > > >> > on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
> > > >> > The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop
> > > >> > for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > So, next time you're having a bad day at work,
> > > >> > think about how much worse it would be if you had
> > > >> > a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love
> > > >> > my job, I love my job

thedrifter

02-10-03, 06:48 AM

Dave's Birthday Party

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

thedrifter

02-10-03, 06:52 AM

A prisoner escapes from Prison where he had been kept for 15
> > >>>years. As he
> > >>> runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young
> > >>>couple in
> > >>> bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up
> > >>>the woman
> > >>> to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets
> > >>>up, and
> > >>> goes to the bathroom.
> > >>>
> > >>> While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
> > >>>is a
> > >>> prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in
> > >>>prison,
> > >>> and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your
> > >>>neck. If he
> > >>> wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells
> > >>>you, give him
> > >>> satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he
> > >>>will kill us.
> > >>> Be strong, honey. I love you "
> > >>>
> > >>> To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
> > >>>whispering
> > >>> in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we
> > >>>kept any
> > >>> Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. Love you too..."

thedrifter

02-10-03, 06:53 AM

40 Reasons For Gun Control

1. Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, & Chicago cops need guns.
2. Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.
3. Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics."
4. The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994 are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates, which have been declining since 1991.
5. We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.
6. The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.
7. An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.
8. A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.
9. When confronted by violent criminals, you should "put up no defense - give them what they want, or run" (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don't Die - People Do, 1981, p. 125).
10. The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns & Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.
11. One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for internal medicine, a computer programmer for hard drive problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.
12. The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created 130 years later, in 1917.
13. The National Guard, federally funded, with bases on federal land, using federally-owned weapons, vehicles, buildings, and uniforms, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a "state" militia.
14. These phrases: "right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumerations herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people" all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arm" refers to the state.
15. "The Constitution is strong and will never change." But we should ban and seize all guns thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments to that Constitution.
16. Rifles and handguns aren't necessary to national defense! Of course, the army has hundreds of thousands of them.
17. Private citizens shouldn't have handguns, because they aren't "military weapons", but private citizens shouldn't have "assault rifles", because they are military weapons.
18. In spite of waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, etc., guns today are too readily available, which is responsible for recent school shootings. In the 1940's, 1950's and 1960's, anyone could buy guns at hardware stores, army surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, Sears mail order, no waiting, no background check, no fingerprints, no government forms and there were no school shootings.
19. The NRA's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, but the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.
20. Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.
21. A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.
22. Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen" and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears."
23. Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.
24. Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.
25. A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.
26. Any self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a "weapon of mass destruction" or an "assault weapon."
27. Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.
28. The right of Internet pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.
29. Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self- defense only justifies bare hands.
30. The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.
31. Charlton Heston, a movie actor as president of the NRA is a cheap lunatic who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas, a movie actor as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.
32. Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do "civilians" who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.
33. We should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too.
34. Police officers have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.
35. Private citizens don't need a gun for self- protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.
36. Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.
37. "Assault weapons" have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people. The police need assault weapons. You do not.
38. When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that's bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that's good.
39. Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.
40. Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands." Guess what? You have the wrong hands.

downundergrl

02-10-03, 06:58 AM

Acrusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown,hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young,idealistic ladies in attendance,one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
She said excuse me Sir,but you seem to be a very serious man.
Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?
No,the colonel said just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,It looks like you have seen alot of action.
The colonels short response was,yes alot of action.
The young lady tiring of trying to stir up a converstaion, said,You know you should lighten up a little,relax and enjoy yourself.
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, you know i hope you dont take this the wrong way,but when is the last time you had sex?
The colonel looked at replied to her ,1955.
She said ,well there you go , you need to chill out and not take everything so seriously, i mean ,no sex since 1955.isnt that a little extreme?.
The colonel glancing at his watch.siad in his matter of fact voice,Oh i dont know..............its only 2130 now........semper fi

thedrifter

02-11-03, 07:44 AM

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been
> sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver
> steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
>
> The poor little guy starts crying.
>
> "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
> "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
>
> "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I
> can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting,
> so
> my boss fired me.
>
> When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
> insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I
had
> forgotten my wallet in it.
>
> At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
>
> So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life,
and
> you show up and drink the damn poison."

thedrifter

02-11-03, 07:55 AM

Modern Day Scrabble

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST:
When you rearrange the letters
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters
I ' M A DOT IN PLACE.

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once)
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

thedrifter

02-11-03, 03:10 PM

SLEEPY MARINE....................................

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Alexander Haile

02-11-03, 07:33 PM

Three women; a Marine, a cop, and a hunter, were being interviewed by an FBI SWAT team leader. He was looking for a new sharp shooter for his team, and after checking the women's skills with numerous rifles, obsticle courses, and IQ tests, he decided to test their loyalty. To see if they would complete their mission and execute orders without hesitation, he had them brought into a room. The three women sat down in seats and waited for their instructions. The SWAT leader entered and said, "You are all great marksman. You are all in a tie for this position. As a tie-breaker I've decided to test your loyalty to us." He pointed to a door at the other end of the room. "Through that door is a room, and in that room are each of your loving husbands." He pulled his 9mm out of its holster. "Take this sidearm and kill your husband. Only then will we know you will be truly loyal to us." The hunter took the sidearm and headed for the room. She went inside, and the other women and the Leader waited. Soon, the woman came back into the room with her husband at her side. "I couldn't do it." She said. "Fine. Next please." Replied the Leader. The cop took the 9mm and headed into the room. A few minutes past and she too came out with her husband at her side. "I'm here to serve and protect, not kill." Said the cop. "That's completely fine." said the Leader. Now the Woman Marine took the sidearm and went into the room. Immediately the Leader heard loud shots ring out from the second room. Then pounding and screaming. After the yells and hollers were silenced the Marine stepped out of the room. "That wasn't easy." She said, catching her breath. "Your stupid gun was loaded with blanks! I had to hit him over the head with his chair!"

thedrifter

02-12-03, 08:11 AM

This may explain some of the laws coming out of Washington!
>
>The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C.
>travel agent of 30+ years:
>
>I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane
>so
>that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
>
>I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
>started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information
>then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
>Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
>stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is
>in Africa." Her response ...(click).
>
> We need to insist on having "Geography" put back into the educational
>system .
>
>A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
>did.
>I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
>expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
>since
>Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
>looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
>
>I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
>England
>from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
>
>An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent
>a
>car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a
>one hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
>he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
>between the gates to save time."
>
>An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
>possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago
>at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois,
>but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her
>the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
>
>A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
>description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
>said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
>airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight,
>I
>think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
>"looked into it" (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the
>city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting
>a
>destination tag on her luggage.
>
>A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After
>going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
>California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>
>I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I
>know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
>replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes
>have numbers on them."
>
>A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
>have
>to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to
>Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
>
>A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in
>order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
>reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
>times
>and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his
>stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
>China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
>
>A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
>Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
>agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
>you
>have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with,
>"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
>can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
>Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of
>the
>state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
>"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!
>
>Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!