Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 6 - Marine Corps Community for USMC Veterans

thedrifter

01-05-03, 08:43 PM

> > > > >> These make me feel incredibly smart!
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Hard to believe, but another year has passed... (For those
who
> > > > >> don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every
year to
> the
> > > > >> persons who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing
> themselves
> > > > >> from the gene pool...
> > > > >> a couple of these didn't die but were injured enough to
> > > > >> warrant entry -what a feat.)
> > > > >> The nominees are:
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man,
> > > > >> using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's
> windshield,
> > > > >> accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged,
> blowing
> > > > >> a hole in his gut.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a
mechanic)
> > > > >> of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to
repair
> what
> > > > >> police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend
to
> drive the
> > > > >> truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could
> > > > >> ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes
caught
> on
> > > > >> something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped
in
> > > > >> the drive shaft."
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger,
47,
> > > > >> accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton,
N.C.
> > > > >> Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he
> > > > >> reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson
> > > > >> .38 Special, that he kept next to the bed for protection,
which
> > > > >> accidentally discharged when he drew it to his ear.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer
demonstrating
> > > > >> the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper
crashed
> > > > >> through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to
his
> death.
> > > > >> A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of
> the
> > > > >> Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
> > > > >> explaining the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law
>
> > > > >> students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstration of
window
> > > > >> strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers,
managing
> partner
> > > > >> of the firm Holden Day & Wilson, told the Toronto Sun
newspaper
> > > > >> that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest" members of the
> > > > >> 200-man association.(Wow - there's 199 guys I hope I never
> meet!!!)
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and
room
> > > > >> with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man
who
> > > > >> was killed byhis own gas. There was no mark on his body but
> > > > >> an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system.
> > > > >> His diet had consisted primarilyof beans and cabbage (and a
> couple
> > > > >> of other things). It was just the right combination of
foods.
> > > > >> It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
> > > > >> poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
> > > > >> outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have
been
> > > > >> fatal.But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom.
> > > > >> According to the article,"He was a big man with a huge
capacity
> > > > >> for creating this deadly gas.
> > > > >> "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin
> > > > >> made News of the Weird posthumously.
> > > > >> He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
electric
> chair
> > > > >> on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to
life
>
> > > > >> in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and
> attempting
> > > > >> to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette
lighter may
> > > > >> have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana.
> > > > >> A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the
barrel
> > > > >> of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon
> > > > >> discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said.
> > > > >> Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk
home
> > > > >> at about 9:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning
> > > > >> a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing
properly.
> > > > >> He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the
> gunpowder
> > > > >> ignited.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man
cleaning a
> > > > >> bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in
this
> > > > >> Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.
Stefan
> > > > >> Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the
> > > > >> accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel
> > > > >> Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went
> > > > >> over the balcony," Honer said.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> AND FINALLY:
> > > > >> Nominee #9 [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were
> > > > >> seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and
> struck a
> > > > >> tree near Cotton Patchon State Highway 38 early Monday
morning.
> > > > >> Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident
> > > > >> shortly after midnight Monday.
> > > > >> Thurston Poole,33,of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of
> > > > >> Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist
Medical
> > > > >> Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning
to
> Des
> > > > >> Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an over cast Sunday night,
> Poole's
> > > > >> pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men
concluded
> that
> > > > >> the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned
out.As a
> > > > >> replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the
> > > > >> .22caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the
fuse box
> > > > >> next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the
bullet,
> the
> > > > >> headlights again began to operate properly and the two men
> > > > >> proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling
about
> > > > >> 20 miles and just before crossing the river,the bullet
apparently
> > > > >> overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle.
> > > > >> The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and
> striking
> > > > >> a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the
> > > > >> accident, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound.
> > > > >> Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released.
> > > > >> "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his
balls
> off
> > > > >> or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.
> > > > >> "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the
world, but
>
> > > > >> this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two
would
> admit
> > > > >> how this accident happened," said Snyder.
> > > > >> Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife
asked
> how
> > > > >> many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from
> > > > >> the truck.

slushy08

01-06-03, 01:17 PM

> A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided
> to cure him of
> the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil
> suit and hid
> behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
>
> When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood
> before him with
> her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
>
> "Who are you?" he asked.
>
> "I'm the Devil", she responded.
>
> "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married
> your sister."
>
>
>----------------------
> ----------------------------------------------
>
>
> A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and
> she shows him
> into the living room. She excuses herself to go to
> the kitchen to
> make them a few drinks. As he's standing there
> alone, he notices a
> cute little vase on the mantel.
>
> He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks
> back in. He
> says, "What's this?"
>
> She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
>
> He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez,
> oh..I..."
>
> She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen
> to get an
> ashtray."
>
>
>------------------
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------
>
>
> On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
> students,
> pointing out some of the rules.
>
> "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all
> male students,
> and the male dormitory to the female students.
> Anybody caught
> breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first
> time." He continued,
> "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
> will be fined
> $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
> fine of $200. Are
> there any questions?"
>
> At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How
> much for a
> season pass?"

thedrifter

01-06-03, 05:20 PM

sent to me by Our Girl Cas........

NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN -- By Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want
you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging
from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender,religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Earle Comstock

01-06-03, 07:46 PM

When they circumcise a Jewish boy , do you know what they do with the foreskin ? They sell it to the faggots for bubblegum !:banana: Cpl C.:marine:

Art Petersn

01-06-03, 08:23 PM

THE ELDERLY COUPLES WEDDING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their
decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way
they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotesfor
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

thedrifter

01-06-03, 08:47 PM

Click once to hear the horse sing - click another for a duet, another for a
>trio and another for a quartet. Click the horse a second time and it stops
>"singing"
>
>
>http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.html
>

thedrifter

01-07-03, 07:12 AM

Homeland Security
>
>
> > Homeland Security has announced they will soon be implementing new
> software
> > which will record every click of your mouse. It is their belief
that it
> will
> > operate completely transparently and that the average user will not
notice
> > any difference in performance. Click on the URL below to observe
this
> > incredible new technology.
> > http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes
> >
>

thedrifter

01-07-03, 07:14 AM

Blondes in snow

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...?? then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Kegler300

01-07-03, 12:02 PM

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.":banana:

Art Petersn

01-07-03, 08:05 PM

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Art
exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What
do you mean?" Art asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've
spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy
but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Art agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same
locker room and Bob asks Art how his situation was. Art replies, " I did
! what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two
inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day
with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's
shortening!"

ecomsg68

01-07-03, 10:09 PM

Dear John

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him ...

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to all the Leathernecks in his company and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

:evilgrin: :devious: :dazed:

Art Petersn

01-08-03, 06:23 AM

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to
get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba. But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

thedrifter

01-08-03, 07:09 AM

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
> time the bar opens.
>
> "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
>
> About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
> drunker.
>
> "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
>
> "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
>
> Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar
> opins at?"
>
> The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
> have room service send something up to you."
>
> "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

Sidewinder

01-08-03, 08:21 AM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Sidewinder

01-08-03, 09:08 AM

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, its when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's. And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

Earle Comstock

01-08-03, 06:25 PM

A young lady in the maternity ward , just prior to labor , is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband present during birth .
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband ", she replies . Ok , do you have a boyfriend? , asks the midwife. No , no boyfriend either . Do you have a partner then ? No , I'm unattached , I'll be having this baby on my own .
After the birth the midwife again speaks with the young woman . You have a healthy bouncing baby girl , but I must warn you before you see her, the baby is black . Well , replies the girl , I was down on my luck , with no money , and nowhere to live. I accepted a job in a porn movie .
The leading man was black . Oh says the midwife , its really none of my business , and I'm sorry to have to ask you these awkward questions , but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair . Well yes , the girl replies again , you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy .
Oh , the midwife repeats . It's really none of my business , and I hate to pry farther , but your baby has slanted eyes . Yes , continues the girl , there was a little Chinese man also in the movie , I really had no choice .
At this the midwife collects the baby and hands her to the girl , who immediately proceeds to slap the baby on th as*.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims , thank God for that !
What do you mean ? says the midwife .
Well , says the girl extremely relieved , I had this horrible feeling ,that the baby was going to bark .
Semper Fi , Do Or Die
Cpl Commie:marine: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

Earle Comstock

01-08-03, 06:37 PM

Two bowling teams , one made up of all blondes , the other made up of all brunettes .
They charter a double decker bus for a weekend tournament in Johnburg .
The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus , and the blonde team rode on the top deck .
The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time , when one of them realizes she hasn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs .
She decides to go up and investigate .
When the brunette reaches the top , she finds all the blondes frozen in fear . They are staring straight ahead at the road , and clutching the seat in front of them .
The brunettes ask , whats going on up here ? We're having a great time downstairs !
One of the blondes says , yea , but you've got a driver .
Semper Fi Marines:marine:
Cpl Commie :rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

thedrifter

01-08-03, 09:45 PM

The Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an Air Force NCO from the local base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the NCO saying, "That'll be $1,000." The NCO paid and left
with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Air Force APFT, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of any NCO with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink coffee and play with his dick... but his papers say he's an officer.

Art Petersn

01-09-03, 06:12 AM

----------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft, ............... Today, it's called golf.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I
want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a
long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to
youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries
up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled
and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you
forget to pull up your zipper, then .... Oh my goodness you
forgot to pull your zipper down!

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas,
and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to
wear a windbreaker??

And best of all.... I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
__________________________________________________ __

thedrifter

01-09-03, 06:43 AM

Four retired Navy vets are walking down the street window shopping.

Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

thedrifter

01-09-03, 06:43 AM

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.
> >
> >
> >
> >The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They
gave
> >her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took
the
> >glass back to the kitchen.
> >
> >
> >
> >Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the
previous
> >Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm
milk.
> >
> >
> >
> >Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother
> >sniffed it, drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it,
she
> >drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some wisdom
before
you
> >die,"
> >
> >
> >
> >Barely audible and with a serene look on her face she said, "Don't
sell
> >that cow."

ladileathrnek

01-09-03, 08:02 AM

A young Lieutenant approaches the Sergeant Major and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Sergeant Major "the insignias for the Marine Corps are steeped in history and tradition.
First, we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Colonel you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As a General you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your
question?"
"Yes Sergeant Major " replied the young Lieutenant. "But what about Major and Lieutenant Colonel
"That sir, replied the Sergeant Major, goes waaaay back in history -
back to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

too good to pass by!!!!!

Art Petersn

01-09-03, 01:08 PM

> While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day
> of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that
> he never asked her to go along. After several hours
> of argument the wife won.
>
> That next morning they drove out to the country,
> and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from
> his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he
> heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.
>
> As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her
> gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer!
> Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just
> nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer.
> Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

Earle Comstock

01-09-03, 07:34 PM

Alabama Vasectomy
After having their 11th child , an Alabama couple decided that was enough , as they could not afford a larger bed .
So the husband went to the veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children .
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem , but that it was expensive .
A less costly alternative , said the doctor , was to go home , get a cherry bomb , (fireworks are legal in Alabama) , light it , put it in a beer can , put the can to his ear and count to 10 .
The Alabamian said to the doctor , I may not be the smartest man in the world , but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear , counting to 10 is going to help me .
"Trust me' , said the doctor
So the man went home , lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can .
He held the beer can next to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused , placed the beer can between his legs , and resumed counting on his other hand .
This procedure also works in Kentucky , Mississippi , Tennessee , and Arkansas
Semper Fi Marines:marine: Cpl Commie:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

Art Petersn

01-09-03, 09:15 PM

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the
barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair
reached for the aftershave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Hillary,
will smell that and think I've been in a *****house,"

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you Mr President?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
*****house smells like."

Earle Comstock

01-09-03, 10:38 PM

Polly or Jack
A middle manager was in a quandry . He had to downsize one of his staff members . He had narrowed it down to one of two canidates , Polly or Jack .
It would be a difficult decision to make , as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work .
He finally decided that in the morning , which ever one used the water cooler first , would be the one to be let go.
Polly came in early that morning , hugely hungover after partying all night and getting no sleep . She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin .
The manager approached her and said ,"Polly , I've never done this before , but I have to lay you or Jack off ."
Polly replied ,"could you jack off ? I have a terrible headache .
Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:

thedrifter

01-10-03, 05:12 AM

From Our Lil Sis, Cas.........

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa!
You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then
starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the
toilet
seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

thedrifter

01-10-03, 05:14 AM

from Our Lil Sis Cas.......

COFFEE BREAK HUMOR

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope
only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink
spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines
and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to
rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn
signal fluid.

11. I'm so depressed. My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said,"
Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
point the wrong way.

thedrifter

01-10-03, 05:16 AM

from Our Lil Sis Cas.......

Subject: Things to think about

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in he world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

Kegler300

01-10-03, 06:12 AM

I think I'll stay away from Indonesia!:banana:

Sidewinder

01-10-03, 10:29 AM

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, they took off for her house where they made love for hours. Exhausted from the wild sex, they feel asleep, awakening at 8:00 P.M. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. The man replied, "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

Sidewinder

01-10-03, 10:32 AM

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Sidewinder

01-10-03, 10:34 AM

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replied, well that's for when you're in college.
You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March....

thedrifter

01-10-03, 06:48 PM

Corpsman Up

Two Marines, Johnson and Smith, are manning an Observation Post. Suddenly, Johnson starts to convulse, then lays still. Smith checks him out, he doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. Smith radios back to headquarters panicking, "I think Johnson is dead, what do I do?" A Captain replies in a calm soothing voice, "Calm down Marine. First, make sure he is dead." Smith says OK and the Captain waits. A few moments later he hears a shot. Smith comes back on the radio, "Ok Sir, now what?"

:banana:

The Tough Marine

At the end of the night a Marine leaves a bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?"

:banana:

thedrifter

01-10-03, 06:51 PM

Old Corps

Back in 1775, in Tun's Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps. The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistee's to go through the process. They would assemble later on the front yard. After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps, beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, "Son, let me tell you about the Old Corps."

:banana:

Trackers

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

:banana:

Earle Comstock

01-10-03, 10:01 PM

This one is from my ole lady , ya gotta love her .
How can you tell if your man is well hung?
You can barely get your finger between his neck and the noose .
Semper Fi , Do Or Die
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :bandit:

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 12:00 AM

Pull The Finger

Go To www.whitetrash.nl/pmf/

just click the finger , its cute

Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :bandit:

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 12:28 AM

The Blonde Prize Winner
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "Peel and Win " sticker on her coffee cup . So she peels it off and starts screaming .
"I've won a motorhome , I've won a motorhome ."
The waitress say's , "Thats impossible , the biggest prize is a free lunch ."
But the blonde keeps screaming , "I've won a motorhome , I've won a motorhome."
Finally the manager comes over and say's , "Ma,am , I'm sorry , but your mistaken ." "You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome , because we didn't have that as a prize ."
The blonde says , "No , its not a mistake , I've won a motorhome ."
She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads," WIN A BAGEL"
Semper Fi , Do Or Die
Death And Destruction Professionally ,USMC
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :bandit:

thedrifter

01-11-03, 08:40 AM

sent to me by gylancaster

Making Cigarettes

Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking along a trail in the woods.

Little Susie noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.

"Little Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked.

Little Johnny stops to consider his answer, and replies, "They're making

cigarettes."

"Cigarettes?" she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they

approach a couple of raccoons. Little Susie asked, "Are they making

cigarettes too?"

"Yea," says Little Johnny

Little Susie looks around and says, "it looks like all the animals are

making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?"

Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK!"

A hour or so later Little Johnny and Little Susie were walking out of

the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kinda cigarettes did we

make?"

Little Johnny stops to think about his answer, then replies, "Well if

you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky

Strike."

Phantom Blooper

01-11-03, 12:41 PM

There were two tree's growing side by side out in the forest. Up between the two tree's a little sapling began to grow. The 1st tree looked at the other and said Mr. Beech is that little sap a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? Well, Mr. Birch I am not quite sure if that little sap is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? The issue was discussed in length by the two tree's until a red headed woodpecker came flying thru the forest. Both tree's decided to ask the woodpecker what type of sapling was growing up between them.Mr. Woodpecker you know all the tree's in this great forest and we were both wondering if you could tell us whether this little sap was a son of a Birch or a son of a Beech? Well, the woodpecker did his study and came back with his answer. Mr. Birch and Mr. Beech I have have concluded, said the woodpecker, this tree is neither a son of a Birch,or a son of a Beech. It is however, the best peice of Ash,that I ever put my pecker in.

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 08:40 PM

How does a gal from Arkansas get ready for a date? She brushes her tooth .

Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respec Your Elders
Death And Destruction Professionally , USMC :marine:

Earle Comstock

01-11-03, 11:59 PM

An Old Marine

The Pentagon recently found it had to many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus .
Any General who retired immediately would recieve his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the Generals body . And the General got to choose these two points .
The first General was from the Air Force .
He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes .
Six Feet
He walked out with a check for $720,000.00
The second man , an Army General , asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his out-streched hand to his toes .
eight feet
He walked out with a check for $960,000.00
The third man was a grizzled Old Marine from Texas .
He told the pension clerk , "Son , I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles ."
The pension clerk suggested that perhaps the Marine General might like to reconsider , pointing out the nice checks the previous two Generals had recieved .
The Marine General insisted , "No sir , you heard right ."
"Go ahead and measure ."
The pension expert said that would be ok , but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring .
The medical officer attended and asked the General to drop-em , he did.
The medical officer placed the tape at the head of the Generals penis and began to work back .
"My God ", he said , where are your testicles ?
"Vietnam", the General replied .

SEMPER FI , DO OR DIE
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :cool:
Death And Destruction Professionally , USMC

Earle Comstock

01-12-03, 10:14 AM

I was reading a post for the young people that call themselves poolees , who have not been to boot yet . In case you haven't figured it out , ya I got a problem with it , and yea I know its just a name . I figure they should have their own website . Call it www.almostaleatherneckifimakeitthroughbootcamp.com .
Anyway the post is entitled I did It .
Yea , one time when I was a kid , I was doing it and was caught by my dad .
He said ,"Dammit son , stop doing that or you'll go blind ."
I said , "Dad , I'm over here ."

Semper Fi Marines
Cpl Commie
:rambo: Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo:
Be Good To Yourself And Respect Your Elders :cool:
Death And Destruction Professionally , USMC

thedrifter

01-12-03, 03:12 PM

Fruit-Picking

Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.

The first man came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his ass. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

thedrifter

01-12-03, 03:18 PM

Don't Speak

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the ****ing dishes!"

thedrifter

01-12-03, 03:19 PM

Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

thedrifter

01-12-03, 03:23 PM

How I Got Into Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Phantom Blooper

01-12-03, 06:04 PM

There were three little old ladies living together. Everything was fine for years. Then the ladies all started to court gentleman friends. They were all doing well together. There was only one problem, all of the gentleman were named George. So every time the phone rang the ladies were not sure which George was calling whom. So they sat down in the parlor,and decided too make things easier in the house they would each give their friend nicknames. After a while they decided that they would name their gentleman friends after "soda pop". After a bit the first little old lady said she would call her friend "Dr. Pepper". The other ladies asked her why "Dr. Pepper"? She said because he was good with his hands. They all got quitle a giggle out of that. The second little old lady decided that she would name her beau "7 UP". Again the other two asked her why? She told them that her man was always' up!They all got a big laugh out of that. The third little old lady said she wasn't quite sure what to call her man. So the other two agreed that it would be best to sleep on it and annouce her man's name the next day. Well they were both anxiously awaiting what the third little old lady was going to call her friend. She annouced that she was going to name her man "Jack Daniels". The other two immediately protested, saying she couldn't do that because, "Jack Daniels" was a liquor! The litltle old lady said yeah,and smiled a"licker", get it?:banana:

thedrifter

01-13-03, 08:34 AM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
> together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
>
> "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled
> him into the closet stark naked.
>
> However, the husband soon became suspicious, and after a search of the
> bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" insisted the
> husband. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>
> "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a
> complaint about an infestation of moths, "explained the man.
>
> "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
>
> The man looked down at himself and said, "Why those little bastards!"
>

thedrifter

01-13-03, 08:36 AM

Having a bad day?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients

always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,

regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and

some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around

11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause

of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m.,

all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for

themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden

crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil

spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday

sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so

that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

thedrifter

01-13-03, 08:36 AM

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil

spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and

applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale

ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking

frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his

waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm

in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his

Walkman.

_____

thedrifter

01-13-03, 08:37 AM

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter

bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was

the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now feeling better?

thedrifter

01-13-03, 08:40 AM

This is Ebonic and todays education at work.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

.................................................. ............
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

.................................................. ..............
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

.................................................. ................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

.................................................. .................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

.................................................. ...................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
.................................................. ..................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

.................................................. .................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

.................................................. ..................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

.................................................. ..................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

.................................................. .................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

.................................................. .....................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

.................................................. .....................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

.................................................. ..................
AND .... HE SAID WHAT!?!?!?!?
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

thedrifter

01-14-03, 07:52 AM

Blonde

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what
had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the
phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

thedrifter

01-14-03, 07:53 AM

Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of
the walk. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket, and proceeded on
his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a
beautiful blonde standing next to him smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," the man said, smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis
elbow, and the pain was unbearable."

thedrifter

01-14-03, 07:54 AM

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you

tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have

experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that. "

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with

your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the

doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.

Sidewinder

01-14-03, 09:20 AM

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Sidewinder

01-14-03, 09:23 AM

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner she does put the pill in his food.

About a week later, she's back at the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!!. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't very long before he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry. We didn't realize that the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah...," says she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."

:banana:

Sidewinder

01-14-03, 09:25 AM

There was a group of people waiting for the bus at the station. When the bus came, a line formed to get on. The first person was a lovely woman with an extremely short skirt. She tried and tried to step up onto the bus but her skirt was too tight. So she reached behind and unzipped her zipper a bit and tried again. No luck. So she unzipped her zipper a bit more. Still her skirt was too tight. Finally she unzipped her zipper all the way and tried to get on. Still her skirt was too tight. Suddenly, the man behind her who was waiting patiently picked her up around the waist and carried her onto the bus. She turned around angrily. "What right do you have to touch me like that?" she yelled. "Well," he said, "after you unzipped my zipper all the way, I decided that we were pretty good friends."
:yes:

thedrifter

01-14-03, 11:01 AM

THE NEW STATE MOTTOS ---

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own
It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But
The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most
Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The
Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels
Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!

thedrifter

01-14-03, 05:55 PM

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish
and worry about my liver."

thedrifter

01-14-03, 05:59 PM

" I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra

" An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his
fools."

Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
does
not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B. C.!!!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!

Dave Howell

BEER Helping White Guys Dance Since 1869

T-shirt in Florida

thedrifter

01-15-03, 06:32 AM

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"

She replied,

"You're gonna die"

thedrifter

01-15-03, 06:34 AM

Turn up your sound...........

http://www.vikingkittens.com/

thedrifter

01-15-03, 06:47 AM

You know you’re old, when your mind and body aren’t what they used to be. Did the fine print shrink? (This is called bifocals denial.) Do your knees buckle, but your belt won't? Have your beauty marks sprouted hair? Does the gleam in your eyes comes from the sun hitting your bifocals? Do your joints sound like Rice Crispies ... snap, crackle, pop? Does your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.? Have you been driving along thinking about stuff, and suddenly realized that you don’t remember the last 3 blocks? Has a fortune-teller offered to read your face? Does your pacemaker make the garage door go up when you watch a cute guy/gal go by? Is the little gray haired person who helps you across the street, your spouse? Do you have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet? Have you sunk your teeth into a steak and had them stay there? Have you quit pulling out your gray hairs, because you could end up bald? Does your back/knee go out more than you do?

thedrifter

01-15-03, 06:48 AM

Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the opposite sex, but you can't remember why? Does your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep? Do you look forward to a dull evening? Do you walk with your head high… trying to get used to your bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the music of the 60's and 70's is played by 101 Strings in the elevator, it’s just sad.) Have you been window shopping ( NOT talking about clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then it dawns on you. They’re young enough to be your kid. ( Men are not bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say things that your parents always said ... and you hated? And finally... there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray hair at the same time.

thedrifter

01-15-03, 06:49 AM

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.

After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.

Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.

After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little ****er really ****es me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

Phantom Blooper

01-15-03, 07:04 AM

Ever wonder where the word "SH*t comes from? Well here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported by ship(as everything was back then). In dry form it weighs allot less,but once water (at sea) hit it,it not only became heavier,but the process of fermentation began again,of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could(and did) happen, methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below deck at night with a lantern BOOOOM!! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that ,the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.*.T." on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit" In other words,high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came in the hold would not touch the volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Bet you didn't know that one. Here I always thought it was a golf term.

thedrifter

01-15-03, 07:08 AM

Wedded Bliss

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.

I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Oh No!!! here he comes again.

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

ladileathrnek

01-15-03, 04:21 PM

Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk
turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they
are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls,
I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to
impress you. We're not really going to the French
Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me.
To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He
bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

ladileathrnek

01-15-03, 04:22 PM

Several people have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the
following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm
fantastic
in bed."

-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
in bed."

-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten
your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and
reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend.

-- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top
of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

-- That's Spam

mardet65

01-15-03, 04:41 PM

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>
>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>
>
>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>
>
>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>
>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>
>
>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>
>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
>
>
>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>
>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>
>
>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>
>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
>
>
>Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
>
>A. Because it's worth it.
>
>
>Q. What is a Yankee?
>
>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
>
>Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
>
>A. They both like a tight seal.
>
>
>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>
>A. Their balls are just for decoration.
>
>
>Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
>
>A. About three inches.
>
>
>Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
>
>A. For traction in the mud.
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
>
>A. The grip.
>
>
>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
>
>A. It's not hard.
>
>
>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
>
>A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>
>A: 45 pounds.
>
>
>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>
>A: 45 minutes.
>
>
>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>
>A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
>
>A. The swallow.
>
>
>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
>
>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
>
>
>Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
> their minds?
>
>A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
>
>
>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
>
>A. They don't have balls to scratch.