Chuckles of the Day... [Archive] - Page 59 - Marine Corps

Phantom Blooper

08-16-05, 09:41 AM

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this account of what happened to his mother at the breakfast table:

Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so, too, because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like the doctor does. Except he's not as good as the doctor 'cause he had an awful hard time finding it and kept feeling all over for it.

He started getting sick, too, 'cause pretty soon both of them started panting like Rover and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold 'cause he put it under her skirt to warm it up. About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, Sis got real brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Oops, sorry, Mom. I know I'm not supposed to say that word. Sis started groaning and sqealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats...they have 9 lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead 'cause I saw Sis' boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.

DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE'S NOT MOVING!!!"

thedrifter

08-18-05, 03:39 PM

Actual Phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports. (Humor!)

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Ellie

OLE SARG

08-18-05, 04:07 PM

When I first read this thing I thought they were talking about jfk - john fonda kerry!!!! They all fit him!!

SEMPER FI,
OLE SARG

Phantom Blooper

08-18-05, 09:50 PM

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of @#%*.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh.... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder.... my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different"

tbruyle5

08-19-05, 09:31 PM

I got this from a friend -

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this William Wagenhoss" not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name; address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. :D

:marine:

tbruyle5

08-19-05, 09:33 PM

I got this from another friend -

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Jimmie

:marine:

Phantom Blooper

08-19-05, 09:55 PM

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but
was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered
him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it
was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only
she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question,
but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises,
etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure
such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total
freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper
as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight
awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during
the night?

What a cruel question!

Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a
beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've
made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way,
things are going to get ugly

tbruyle5

08-19-05, 10:42 PM

Here is a little test that will help you decide........

Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
......BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
:marine:

Phantom Blooper

08-20-05, 10:06 AM

This feller went to visit his brother on his farm. As they were driving up, the farmer was pointing out all his goods. "Those are my cows over there, and that's the chicken coop over there." Suddenly, the guy sees a three-legged pig and starts laughing, "What the hell is that?"

"Shut up!" yells the farmer angrily. "That's a great pig. That pig saved my life."

"What?" Says the brother, "How'd he do that?"

"Well," says the farmer, "One time the house took fire in the middle of the night. That there pig broke out of his pen, busted into the house, ran upstairs and pulled me and Thelma outa bed, wakin' us up. If it wasn't for that pig, we'd be goners."

"Wow,"says the brother, "I had no idea."

"And that ain't all," says the farmer. "One time I was out ploughin' and the tractor tipped over and I was stuck under it. The fuel was pouring out and it was gonna catch fire any minute, but that pig ran over and pulled me out from under that tractor."

"Holy jumpin'" says the brother, "But how come he's only got three legs?"

"Come on! You don't eat a great pig like that all at once.

Phantom Blooper

08-20-05, 10:08 AM

Chicken Farming A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" "Well," says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

Phantom Blooper

08-20-05, 10:11 AM

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy."I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots
of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Nagalfar

08-20-05, 02:34 PM

So Bizarre its funny..

In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS. The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus. He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten storey building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

When one intends to kill a subject "A" but kills subject "B' by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject "B"

When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an un-loaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the ponpensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisit twist. Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother's murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself.

Phantom Blooper

08-20-05, 05:45 PM

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at
the counter, one tourist asked the employee. "Before we order, could you
please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we
are... very slowly?

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, " Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, King."

Joseph P Carey

08-21-05, 03:49 AM

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

thedrifter

08-21-05, 12:19 PM

Posted on Sun, Aug. 21, 2005
From here on, let women kill their own spiders
BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 14, 1999.)

From time to time, I receive letters from a certain group of individuals

that I will describe, for want of a better term, as ''women.'' I have such a letter here, from a Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C., who asks the following question:

'Why do men open a drawer and say, `Where is the spatula?' Instead of, you know, looking for it?''

This question expresses a commonly held (by women) negative stereotype about guys of the male gender, which is that they cannot find things around the house, especially things in the kitchen. Many women believe that if you want to hide something from a man, all you have to do is put it in plain sight in the refrigerator, and he will never, ever find it, as evidenced by the fact that a man can open a refrigerator containing 463 pounds of assorted meats, poultry, cold cuts, condiments, vegetables, frozen dinners, snack foods, desserts, etc., and ask, with no irony whatsoever, ``Do we have anything to eat?''

Now, I COULD respond to this stereotype in a snide manner by making generalizations about women. I could ask, for example, how come your average woman prepares for virtually every upcoming event in her life, including dental appointments, by buying new shoes, even if she already owns as many pairs as the entire Riverdance troupe. I could point out that, if there were no women, there would be no such thing as Leonardo DiCaprio. I could ask why a woman would walk up to a perfectly innocent man who is minding his own business watching basketball and demand to know if a certain pair of pants makes her butt look too big, and then, no matter what he answers, get mad at him. I could ask why, according to the best scientific estimates, 93 percent of the nation's severely limited bathroom-storage space is taken up by decades-old, mostly empty tubes labeled ''moisturizer.'' I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men.

Yes, I could raise these issues in response to the question asked by Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C., regarding the man who was asking where the spatula was. I could even ask WHY this particular man might be looking for the spatula. Could it be that he needs a spatula to kill a spider, because, while he was innocently watching basketball and minding his own business, a member of another major gender -- a gender that refuses to personally kill spiders but wants them all dead -- DEMANDED that he kill the spider, which nine times out of 10 turns out to be a male spider that was minding its own business? Do you realize how many men arrive in hospital emergency rooms every year, sometimes still gripping their spatulas, suffering from painful spider-inflicted injuries? I don't have the exact statistics right here, but I bet they are chilling.

As I say, I could raise these issues and resort to the kind of negativity indulged in by Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C. But I choose not to. I choose, instead, to address her question seriously, in hopes that, by improving the communication between the genders, all human beings -- both men and women, together -- will come to a better understanding of how dense women can be sometimes.

I say this because there is an excellent reason why a man would open the spatula drawer and, without looking for the spatula, ask where the spatula is: The man does not have TIME to look for the spatula. Why? Because HE IS BUSY THINKING. Men are ALMOST ALWAYS thinking. When you look at a man who appears to be merely scratching himself, rest assured that inside his head, his brain is humming like a high-powered computer, processing millions of pieces of information and producing important insights such as, ``This feels good!''

We should be grateful that men think so much, because over the years they have thought up countless inventions that have made life better for all people, everywhere. The shot clock in basketball is one example. Another one is underwear-eating bacteria. I found out about this thanks to the many alert readers who sent me an article from ''New Scientist'' magazine stating that Russian scientists -- and you KNOW these are guy scientists -- are trying to solve the problem of waste disposal aboard spacecraft, by 'designing a cocktail of bacteria to digest astronauts' cotton and paper underpants.'' Is that great, or what? I am picturing a utopian future wherein, when a man's briefs get dirty, they will simply dissolve from his body, thereby freeing him from the chore of dealing with his soiled underwear via the labor-intensive, time-consuming method he now uses, namely, dropping them on the floor.

I'm not saying that guys have solved all the world's problems. I'm just saying that there ARE solutions out there, and if, instead of harping endlessly about spatulas, we allow guys to use their mental talents to look for these solutions, in time, they will find them. Unless they are in the refrigerator.

Ellie
:D

Phantom Blooper

08-22-05, 02:40 PM

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

Joseph P Carey

08-22-05, 10:52 PM

Johnny and Jim Were two Marines on patrol in the desert. Early in the morning, while Jim is still sleeping, a snake bites his prick! "AAIIIIIII!!"

He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" After talking it over, they decide that Jim should stay where he is, and Johnny should go for help.

So Johnny starts off and soon encounters a Battalion Aid Station where he finds the Navy doctors hard at work. Johnny convinces the Yoeman to let him quickly talk to the doctor. "My friend is bitten by a snake. What do we do?"

"What kind of snake was it?"

"It was about one meter long, sort of green and yellow."

"Whoa boy. Those are very dangerous!"

"What can we do?"

"The only thing you can do is suck the poison out. Otherwise your friend will die!"

So Johnny goes back to his friend where he lay hidden and he starts packing up his gear.

Jim says, "Well, what did the doc say?"

Johnny says, "You're going to die."

...After all, there is just so much you can do for a fellow Marine!

Joseph P Carey

08-23-05, 03:12 AM

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren!" POOF!! She is gone.

The second nun says, "I want-a to be Madonna!" POOF!! She is gone.

The third nun says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipilini."

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name is unfamiliar to me."

The nun takes a newspaper out and hands it to him.

He reads the paper and starts laughing, then hands it back to her and says, "No, sister. This paper says, 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."

Ed Palmer

08-23-05, 09:54 AM

I'll Vote for this guy
T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from
Midland, TX, w! as asked on a local live radio talk
show the other day just what he thought of the
allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His
reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to
thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a
car's battery cables will save one American GI's
life, then I have just two things to say":

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"

Ed Palmer

08-23-05, 04:56 PM

U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.

National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the! ground was injured.

Photographs taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft. See below:

*

*

*

*

*

*

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_2241084870000000web81802.jpg

Nagalfar

08-23-05, 09:58 PM

LMAO

Joseph P Carey

08-23-05, 11:36 PM

How appropriate, a plastic broom! It fits her to a tea!

Joseph P Carey

08-24-05, 08:44 PM

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Joseph P Carey

08-25-05, 01:11 AM

A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit me on the head when I'm done."

Phantom Blooper

08-25-05, 10:15 AM

An elderly Alabama farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on the door and a shapely 40-something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked; "would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; "are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking; "are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye. Then lady then unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?" Drying his eyes he replied; "the drought got my corn,
the flood got my cotton, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.:banana:

Ed Palmer

08-25-05, 11:02 AM

Photograph to Grandma
>>
>> A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
>>grandmother
>> asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new
>>location
>>
>> Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
>>he cuts a
>> photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
>>photo.
>>
>>He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half,
>>but then
>> remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she
>>won't notice.
>>
>> A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It
>>says:
>> "Thank you for the picture. Change your Hairstyle.....it makes
>>your
>>nose look too short."
>>
>> Love, Grandma

Phantom Blooper

08-25-05, 04:59 PM

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't
know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a
parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg
and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives
another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note,
which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Joseph P Carey

08-26-05, 01:27 PM

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Joseph P Carey

08-27-05, 03:21 AM

101 things not to say during sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Er... Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin, too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Phantom Blooper

08-27-05, 08:19 AM

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

Phantom Blooper

08-27-05, 10:38 AM

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a *****house dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?"

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam says, "Okay have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes."

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has to have active herpes."

The madam starts to sputter and asks why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes."

She responds, "Okay have a seat - it'll be about ten minutes." Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal.

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay why did you want someone with active herpes?"

The kid replies, "When I get home, I'm going to screw the baby sitter. And when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby sitter home and screw her on the way. And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and screw. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will screw him.

And he's the bastard that ran over my frog.

Phantom Blooper

08-28-05, 07:36 PM

A Texas woodpecker and a Louisiana woodpecker were arguing about which state had the hardest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree in Texas that no woodpecker could peck. The Louisiana woodpecker accepted the challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was in awe.

The Louisiana woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in Louisiana that was absolutely un-peck-able. The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Louisiana, the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Louisiana tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Phantom Blooper

08-29-05, 12:21 PM

Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen,a 3-year
-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again.

:banana:

Joseph P Carey

08-29-05, 02:37 PM

The eyes of a child! I liked it!

Osotogary

08-29-05, 02:58 PM

Not that I want to get spanked but............... that doesn't sound like a bad idea. LMAO

Ed Palmer

08-29-05, 03:51 PM

Men often consider blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the
dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it's over is
to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But
now there is a great way to blow a woman off.
It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no
opportunity to throw things at you.

It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail!

That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they
are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how
you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.

And you can delete her response without ever reading it!

What could be more painless?

Following is an e-mail rejection letter.

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on
notice. The text of the letter follows:
---------------
Dear [her name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. [your last name].

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year
and dozens of other well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed
to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours,
please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from
the competition:
[Men will check those that apply]

[ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to
pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.
[ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
position.
[ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
[ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
[ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the
inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
[ ] My breasts are bigger than yours.
[ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
[ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously.
[ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into
the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and
inappropriate.
[ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your name]

Phantom Blooper

08-30-05, 08:03 AM

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a good looking woman would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram model from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?!"

"No", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Nagalfar

08-30-05, 08:48 AM

lol that was good..

Ed Palmer

08-30-05, 01:09 PM

A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill."

The cowboy asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies,"Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and ask,"Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."

Phantom Blooper

08-30-05, 09:45 PM

A young farm boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door. "Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"He went with Maw and Paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Phantom Blooper

08-30-05, 09:47 PM

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a
dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going
to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food
and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine
and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Joseph P Carey

08-31-05, 02:45 AM

Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

Ed Palmer

08-31-05, 10:16 AM

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
>
> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: > >
> 1. He called everyone brother .
> 2 . He liked Gospel.
> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was Jewish:
>
> 1. He went into His Father's business.
> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
> was sure He was God.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was Italian:
>
> 1. He talked with His hands.
> 2. He had wine with His meals.
> 3. He used olive oil.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was a Californian:
>
> 1. He never cut His hair.
> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
> 3. He started a new religion.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that &g!
> t;Jesus was an American Indian:
>
> 1. He was at peace with nature.
> 2. He ate a lot of fish.
> 3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was Irish:
>
> 1. He never got married.
> 2. He was always telling stories.
> 3. He loved green pastures.
>
> But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs
> that Jesus was a woman:
>
> 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was
> no food.
> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch
> of men who just didn't get it.
> 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because
> there was work to do.
>

Phantom Blooper

08-31-05, 04:13 PM

Eve's Side Of The Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful,
God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells,
the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is
these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking
them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc........
she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down,

removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once
again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite
creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see..........

where did I put that useless boob?"

Joseph P Carey

08-31-05, 04:19 PM

where did I put that useless boob?"

OUCH!!!

Phantom Blooper

08-31-05, 04:29 PM

Every once in a while Joe I post something like this to show that I am not that male chauvinist pig and "NASTY" male that I have been called. LOL!

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall

Ed Palmer

08-31-05, 05:29 PM

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take. Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States Of America".

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The Officer said, "Make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink and Green".

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ³Mr. Officer, I am ready".

The Officer said, "Go ahead".

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Verizon's help desk. I just talked to him yesterday.

Joseph P Carey

09-01-05, 02:17 AM

It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm from this pumpkin, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin."

"Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.

The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.

The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice.

"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other."

ringoffire

09-01-05, 07:07 AM

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so
I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her
new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?!"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look
like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who
I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

GySgtRet

09-01-05, 07:58 AM

ringoffire,

I wish I could have been there to see the look on her face...!!!!

Joseph P Carey

09-02-05, 12:58 AM

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls."

To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"

yellowwing

09-02-05, 05:11 AM

American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood with big, stately residences, but with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen with manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

ringoffire

09-02-05, 06:16 AM

GySgtRet
Me too.

Phantom Blooper

09-02-05, 06:40 AM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Ed Palmer

09-02-05, 07:33 AM

Sex on Sunday

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies! "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

DanBO

09-02-05, 10:06 AM

Man and wife in heaven....

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

Ed Palmer

09-03-05, 03:17 PM

Southern Bird
Down in Alabama, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.
So, Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the
highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take
flight.
He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout
the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful
aim.
BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail
silently over the tree tops.
I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Joseph P Carey

09-03-05, 04:11 PM

Famous quotes:
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." - Ronald Reagan
"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways." - William Shakespeare
"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein
"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." - Marilyn Munroe
"Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the more expensive ones rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon
"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun." - Mao Tse Tung
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley
"My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else." - Woody Allen
"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy
"She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater." - Hedda Hopper
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin
"You're not a real manager unless you've been sacked." - Malcolm Allison

Joseph P Carey

09-04-05, 02:48 AM

Tom goes over to his friend, Jim's, house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Jim home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Tom says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Tom a nice long look.

Tom thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Jim and leaves.

A while later Jim arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Tom came over."

Jim thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Phantom Blooper

09-04-05, 10:56 AM

One day, at a bus station in J'Ville, there was a bonde who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the blonde was, the Marine standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The blonde turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the Marine says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

:banana:

Ed Palmer

09-04-05, 11:07 AM

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.
While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs."

"Really? Like what?" says the other.

"Over here, they eat dogs."

Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"

"Yeah, they sure do."

"Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."

After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.

"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you get?"

Ed Palmer

09-04-05, 11:08 AM

A question had appeared in a student's medical examination which read: "List four benefits of breast milk." A student began to answer the question: 1. No need to bottle it. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him.
When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So he completed the answer by writing: 4. Available in attractive containers.

Ed Palmer

09-04-05, 11:12 AM

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

Phantom Blooper

09-04-05, 04:52 PM

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after

accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian

couple and begin talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop

computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up

the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners

for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the

Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half

an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not big enough!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his

palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's

quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty

narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each

pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire

measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad,

passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go

their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks

"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.

How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "All she kept doing the whole time

was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Joseph P Carey

09-05-05, 10:56 AM

A woman was riding on a plane seated next to a man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."

Ed Palmer

09-05-05, 12:10 PM

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S.
Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters
that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued,"
Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. This action is being
taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking
meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated
devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was
created by an Aggie graduate, Shackleford said.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

DanBO

09-06-05, 08:39 AM

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Phantom Blooper

09-06-05, 09:22 PM

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Phantom Blooper

09-06-05, 09:23 PM

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF!

The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF!

The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

POOF!

There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man any one had ever seen. More handsome than any one could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Phantom Blooper

09-06-05, 09:43 PM

Thought for the day ....

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

:banana: :banana:

Ed Palmer

09-07-05, 07:16 AM

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said. "Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added. "Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"

Ed Palmer

09-07-05, 07:17 AM

Black Nascar Drivers

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers;

10) HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT WHILE DRIVING.

9) PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.

8) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE RAP MUSIC.

7) PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON CAR WHILE HOLDING UP PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.

6) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CARJACK DALE, JR.

5) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.

4) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE HO.

3) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.

2) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:

1) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN.

DanBO

09-07-05, 10:10 AM

Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation.

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

DanBO

09-07-05, 10:33 AM

Joseph P Carey

09-07-05, 11:51 AM

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

GySgtRet

09-07-05, 12:13 PM

J P Carey,

That is a damn good one bud.

Semper Fidelis

Joseph P Carey

09-08-05, 12:48 AM

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

The policeman walked over to the car where he saw young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cracked the window and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she is knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you young man?"

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Ed Palmer

09-08-05, 05:29 PM

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football, I can catch him"

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement

Ed Palmer

09-09-05, 03:53 PM

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot
would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!"

The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!"

She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!!"

The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!"

Ed Palmer

09-09-05, 04:17 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/2692.jpg

Joseph P Carey

09-09-05, 09:17 PM

There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.

When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let's get another opinion.

He went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw. He replied, "Well...that looks like Billy Joel on her left, Paul McCartney on her right...and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle."

Joseph P Carey

09-10-05, 02:49 AM

Handy little ditties for your protective coverings. Remember, First aid is foremost, unless you want to be first for AIDS from your member:

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9) If you go into heat, package your meat

10) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

11) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake

12) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

13) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

14) No glove, no love

15) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

16) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

17) It's always funky to cage your monkey

18) Don't be a fool cover your tool

19) Can your worm before you squirm

20) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

21) House your noodle then release your strudel

22) Sock that wanger before you bang her

23) While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis

24) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

Ed Palmer

09-10-05, 07:46 AM

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.
>
> I PROMISE YOU CANNOT READ THESE AND NOT LAUGH OUT LOUD! THESE ARE
> REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A TENNESSEE SCHOOL DISTRICT.
>
> (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)
>
>
> MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE

> EXECUTE HIM.
>
> PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
>
> DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31,
> 32 AND ALSO 33.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT
> OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
>
> JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
>
> CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
> HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
>
> MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
> BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
>
> CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
> DYREA,DIREATHE), THE ****S. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND
> HIS BOOTS LEAK.
>
> IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.
>
> I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I

> DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET

> THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY, WE
> THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
>
> SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER
> FUNERAL.
>
> MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A
> WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
> COULD NOT BREED WELL.
>
> GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
>
> PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
>
> MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE
> THROAT,HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER
> AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER A ND ACHED ALL
> OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE

> SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
>
>
> NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR
> KIDS.

Ed Palmer

09-11-05, 02:58 PM

One day a salesman driving in New Hampshire spotted a chicken running along beside him and keeping up with the speed of his car.

Then the salesman noticed that this chicken had three legs!!!

When the salesman reached the top of the hill I saw a big chicken farm, and all of them had three legs.

The farmer was out in front chopping wood so the salesman stopped the car and told him about the chicken keeping up to his car.

He said, "Eh Yeh. They are amazing chickens. You see my wife usually eats half of the breast and my daughter likes the other half. Me, I like the leg, but two legs just ain't enough for me. So we bred these three legged chicks."

So the salesman asked him how they tasted - and the farmer said....

"We don't know, we can't catch them."

Ed Palmer

09-11-05, 06:28 PM

Doncha love the little guy on the map?

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_007f01c5b72515852f10d3286744you.gif

Joseph P Carey

09-12-05, 01:52 AM

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!

Ed Palmer

09-12-05, 10:10 AM

The world's shortest fairytale?..

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?".

The girl said, "NO!".

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

Ed Palmer

09-12-05, 10:14 AM

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The kite is going in circles and crashing. The father comforts the son and the mother yells, ''You need more tail!''
The father then tells the son, ''Son, I will never understand your mom. Last night when we were having ''fun'', I asked her for more tail and she told me to go fly a kite.''

Joseph P Carey

09-13-05, 03:07 AM

A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.

The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Phantom Blooper

09-13-05, 05:36 AM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Ed Palmer

09-13-05, 09:01 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/airbag.gif

Phantom Blooper

09-14-05, 02:22 PM

Cat Food

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day. "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.

"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman ma! de her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass."

Phantom Blooper

09-14-05, 02:25 PM

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

GySgtRet

09-14-05, 02:29 PM

Phantom.... You could be a comedian...

Semper Fidelis

yellowwing

09-14-05, 03:07 PM

I bet the security guard was glad he didn't call in sick that day!

thedrifter

09-14-05, 05:45 PM

WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

Oh, and before we forget ...

WHATEVER

...it's a woman's way of saying F... YOU!

Phantom Blooper

09-14-05, 08:17 PM

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said,"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You
may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,

"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the
food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest,

"You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."

_________________________

Joseph P Carey

09-15-05, 05:35 AM

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Ed Palmer

09-15-05, 09:32 AM

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

tbruyle5

09-15-05, 05:58 PM

I got this from a friend -

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was: "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk." -
Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had also partied late the night before, was hard put
to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of
the Test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"
:marine:

rsta

09-15-05, 07:01 PM

A DOG NAMED SARGE

A Marine General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting.

The friend was in awe of General's dog "Sarge." The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog.

The General declined, saying that "Sarge" was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of
hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel.

After that, all the dog would do was sit on his ass and bark."

Joseph P Carey

09-16-05, 12:07 AM

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver. The little kid starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid, ''What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiled and said, ''I would be a bus driver!'

Ed Palmer

09-16-05, 07:02 AM

I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Ed Palmer

09-16-05, 08:35 AM

ole's accident

Subject: FW: Ole's Accident

Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidently
cut off all ten of his fingers

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll

see what I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's
2005!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have
put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?

Ed Palmer

09-16-05, 08:40 AM

Young Kenny, a hillbilly who moved to Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer
for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But the
next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the
donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said , "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.00."
The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Phantom Blooper

09-16-05, 01:59 PM

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body.

You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.......you damn mosquito!

Phantom Blooper

09-17-05, 05:23 AM

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in
Ireland.

One day he was walking down the street when he noticed a
young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking
beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy about this, so he walked through
the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink
and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the
floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound
up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her
waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't
have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you
might as well finish."

Phantom Blooper

09-17-05, 06:21 AM

Sunburn

For his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his member. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He immediately experienced relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed . . .

"SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

:banana:

Ed Palmer

09-18-05, 08:47 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001701c5bc49e2dcc1c0d3286744you.gif

IMPORTANT BULLETIN
Many men are buying "black market" Viagra pills
from Mexican mail-order drug stores.

The U.S Food and Drug Administration announced that
several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with
ground up Mexican Jumping Beans.

The results can be horrible.

Here is what you get when you combine Viagra
with Mexican Jumping Beans.

(scroll down...)

.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001801c5bc49e2dcc1c0d3286744you.gif

Ed Palmer

09-18-05, 01:20 PM

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work.The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Ed Palmer

09-18-05, 01:25 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitled.jpg
I realy didnt want the house,But my husband fell in love with the view

Phantom Blooper

09-18-05, 01:47 PM

It was the SgtMaj's last day. 30 years of dedicated service to the Corps and he was finally packing it in. Tomorrow was the parade and all the accolades, but today he had chosen to visit with some of those who had helped make this a successful last tour.

He arrived at the the Skipper's home. There he was greeted by the whole family. Funny, he wasn't even aware that some of them knew his name.

Next he met with the Major. After a fine cigar and a brandy... some small talk about his future plans... He was off again.

Now to see the Gunny... Kind of a pain in the ass, but still a good Marine. The Gunny didn't seem to be at home, but he was met at the door by his strikingly beautiful wife. She was clad only in a very revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant steak, potatoes, fried onions, fresh greens and topped it off with an ice cold Bud. When he was truly full, completely satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw the SgtMajor, give him a dollar."

She then said, "The dinner was my idea."

GySgtRet

09-19-05, 09:37 AM

Phantom Blooper,

That should go down a classic.

Semper Fidelis

Joseph P Carey

09-19-05, 09:56 AM

One day a guy came out of the local bar; he was extremely drunk. He began to stumble his way around the parking lot with his key in his hand looking for his car.

While he is looking for his car he stumbles past a police officer. The cop asks the guy if he needs any help.

The guy mumbles out "I've been robbed!”

The cop replies, "What has been stolen?”

"My car, it's gone!" he says.

The cop asks "Where did you see it last?"

"It was right here on the end of my key!" he says.

The cop then notices that the guy has his wang hanging out of his pants and it is swinging around.

The cop asks, "Do you know your penis is exposed?"

The guy replies, "OH CRAP, they stole my girlfriend too!!!"

Joseph P Carey

09-19-05, 09:59 AM

A scientific Question on Calcium:

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long!

Ed Palmer

09-20-05, 07:05 AM

INTERNATIONAL THINKING
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates' technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer

that uses Taiwanese chips

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexicans

That, my friends, is Globalization

Phantom Blooper

09-20-05, 07:55 PM

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a
farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the
little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little mad, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you
aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"

Phantom Blooper

09-20-05, 08:11 PM

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?", he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

Phantom Blooper

09-21-05, 05:35 AM

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad
in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no
arms or legs. The old woman said,"You're not really asking me to consider you,
are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and
said,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Joseph P Carey

09-21-05, 03:22 PM

An old Boot Camp (PI) buddy of mine, Sgt Howard Blair, sent this out to his general mailing lists, and I thought I would pass it on to you.

"...Just got my new Marine catalog. The bumper sticker section is too good to pass up. That being the case I felt compelled to pass along a sample to my "closest" friends. Not all of you will appreciate this, some of you will be jealous and others will wish we (Marines) would just go away...."

You have to love a guy like that!

All phrases are preceeded by the Eagle, Globe and Anchor emblem:

Heaven won't take US and HELL'S AFRAID WE'LL TAKE OVER

It's GOD's job to forgive Bin Lauden. It's OUR job to arrange the meeting

It's not an attitude problem, WE ARE THAT GOOD

Death smiles at everyone, MARINES smile back

There are two types of people - MARINES and those who wish they were

U.S. MARINES, travel agents to Allah

MARINE Your best friend, Your worst enemy

Martyrs or MARINES who do you think will get the virgins

MARINES fear only GOD, no others

The impossilbe is done with the LORD's help and A FEW GOOD MEN

All men are created equal, then some become MARINES

MARINE! Earned, never given

U.S. MARINES - when you care enough to send the very best

MARINES pull duty in Heaven - Who else would GOD trust

If everyone could get in it wouldn't be the MARINES

Unless you're dead, you're not a former MARINE

There are NO EX-MARINES

Pain is temporary, PRIDE is forever

One Nation Under GOD, and HIS MARINES standing guard

AMERICA home of the free because of the BRAVE

When the Experts panic they call the MARINES

WE'RE MARINES, WE took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't s_ _t

Firist Iraq, then France

You will die, I will die a MARINE

I was a Viet Nam VET before it became popular

Mess with one MARINE You mess with US all

U.S. MARINE You wouldn't UNDERSTAND

Lead...Follow...or get the hell outta the way

For those who fought for it, FREEDOM has a flavor the protected will NEVER KNOW

MARINES never die, they just go to hell and regroup

Forget Smith & Wesson, this property protected by a U.S. MARINE

U.S. MARINE CORPS is part of the Navy, the Men's Department

Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism WAR has never solved anything

When it absolutely positively has to be destroyed overnight

There are many, many more, but you get the picture...

Joseph P Carey

09-21-05, 03:32 PM

Its not funny Ha-ha, but it is funny and particular about Marines!

To err is human, To forgive divine, Neither of which is Marine Corps Policy.

It is not something that can be inherited, nor can it be purchased. No amount of money will buy it. It is not for sale and it cannot be borrowed. It isn't a birthright and it doesn't come easily. It must be earned. It requires honor, courage and commitment. Its reward is the result of hard work and even spilled blood. It is a sacrifice. It remembers those lives that went before. Once earned it can never be taken away. You and the brotherhood of the Corps, maintain it forever.

The Title: United States Marine

Ask an American soldier to identify himself, and he will probably say he is "in the Army." By contrast, a Marine - especially if he is one of the better ones - is likely to say, "I'm a Marine." The small linguistic difference is significant: The first is a matter of membership or occupation; the second speaks to identity. One belongs to the Army (or, sometimes, to a branch of the Army - infantry, artillery, armor, Special Forces, and so on). But one is a Marine - and to be a Marine is sufficient. Members of the Army wear "U.S." on their "Class A" uniform lapels. Marines wear the eagle, globe and anchor emblem of their service. And while Army soldiers wear nametags on their uniforms, Marines don't. That's partly because it is enough to simply be recognized as a Marine. To be in the Corps is to be in a state of mind that dictates one's relationship to the rest of the world.

Thomas E. Ricks, Wall Street Journal Pentagon correspondent

Joseph P Carey

09-21-05, 04:03 PM

AND ON THE 8th DAY..
In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun, the moon, and the stars so that light might pierce the darkness. The earth God divided between the land and the sea and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors, and he dressed them accordingly, with little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom and with cute little flaps on their shirts to hide hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "squids" and banished them to a lifetime at sea so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flighty creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eyes, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short, covers too large, and pockets to warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests....and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God, you tend to get carried away in a BIG way.)

On the 5th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound Bus driver's uniform especially for flyboys, but he discarded the idea during the first week and it was not until years later that some apostles "resurrected" this theme and established what we now know as the wild blue yonder wonders.

And on the 7th day as you know, God rested.

On the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. GOD WAS NOT HAPPY !!!

So he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom, God created a divine creature, and this he called "Marine." And these Marines, who God had created in his own image, were to be of the air, of the land, and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim, and in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical, fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training, that they might be sharp and ready....and he gave them evening and dress uniforms....sharp, stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night, and impress the **** outta everybody!!! He even gave them swords so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? NO!!! GOD WAS STILL NOT HAPPY!!! Because in the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing....He did not have a Marine uniform himself !!! But he thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well......not everybody can be a Marine!

"Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have made a difference in the world. Marines don't have that problem."
Ronald Reagan

One often wonders why someone would want to be a MARINE. Well bravehearts, here is the answer...............:-)

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 08:43 AM

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy
this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a
patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and
room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well.

In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she
continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at
noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close
family member or a very close friend!"

Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302!

"Nobody here tells me $hit!"

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 10:40 AM

Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 10:42 AM

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 10:43 AM

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I
see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark
and save two of every living thing along with a few
good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard .... but no ark.

"Noah"! , He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of
it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on
cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. As well,
they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on
your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark
building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten
years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're
not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 10:44 AM

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up to the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 10:46 AM

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired Marine in his late-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Marine replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Phantom Blooper

09-22-05, 10:47 AM

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem!" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"

Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard its true." says the Wizard. "Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

George W. bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a brain".

"Done" says the Wizard.

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to the emerald city?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

Nagalfar

09-22-05, 12:27 PM

WASHINGTON, DC—According to White House sources, President Bush is bracing for intensified attacks following Monday's report that the body of Tyler Sheehan, son of outspoken anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, was recovered from the receding floodwaters in New Orleans.

Although the White House has not released a statement, a firestorm of controversy is expected to follow the death of the dynamic, well-liked young man, who was working on a levee-upkeep crew while completing the EMT-certification training he needed to become a firefighter, "Tyler was the very picture of an American hero," said Jorge Guiterrez, an Ochsner Hospital orderly present when Sheehan evacuated hundreds of patients from its intensive-care unit. "He pulled off-the-clock triple shifts moving guys in wheelchairs, guys without arms, guys on dialysis—you name it, he got them on a bus to Baton Rouge."

Before Sheehan moved to New Orleans, he was a struggling coho-salmon fisherman in Oregon's Klamath Basin. However, when the Bush Administration relaxed federal protection of the endangered fish, Sheehan's catch became contaminated with mercury. He gave up fishing and moved to Oakland, CA, where he opened a free clinic, which lost its federal funding in 2002 for giving out oral contraceptives to poor women.

A recent transplant to Louisiana, Sheehan reportedly went above and beyond the call of duty to aid imperiled New Orleans residents, dispensing bottled water and first aid to dazed hurricane survivors between double shifts at the breached Canal Street levee and triple shifts at the hospital.

Sheehan was last seen Sept. 4, hours after he and his levee crew sustained injuries while attempting to shore up storm-weakened levee pilings. According to sources, contaminated water laced with slicks of petroleum from a recently deregulated, poorly fortified refinery ignited, causing third-degree burns among the workers. Survivors recall seeing Tyler, badly injured and without the life jacket and medical kit denied him by recent budget cuts by the Bush administration, digging survivors out of the wreckage.

"I don't know how we would have gotten out of there without Tyler," said Dom Ghivarello, Sheehan's crew chief. "Once we got clear of the break, we had no way of getting to high ground without our utility truck, which was requisitioned by the Defense Department last month for use in Iraq. But Tyler threw me his truck keys and went back to help others. That's the last I saw of him."

Sheehan moved to New Orleans in 2004 to take a year off from the University of California at Berkeley, where administrators had temporarily suspended the stem-cell research program in which he was enrolled in hopes of helping to combat his younger sister Ruth's spinal meningitis. Friends report that his public spirit continued in the Big Easy, as he delivered meals to elderly New Orleans residents affected by recent Medicare cuts, and doggedly petitioned the Justice Department for the release of his life partner, Amin Sagheer, who has been detained without charge at Guantanamo Bay for nearly three years.

"He made service to his fellow citizens his number-one priority," Ghivarello said. "He made that vow back in 1998, when his best friend, a developmentally disabled black juvenile, was put to death in Texas for a crime he didn't commit."

Cindy Sheehan was unavailable for comment, as she was busy trying to contact her lone surviving son Teddy, a meteorologist studying global warming with the International Geophysical Foundation in Antarctica, who is believed to be marooned on a 45-square-mile chunk of the shrinking Ross Ice Shelf that broke off Tuesday morning.

Ed Palmer

09-23-05, 12:49 PM

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."

The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

Nagalfar

09-23-05, 01:22 PM

How to have Rodeo Sex;

1. Get your wife or girlfriend..

2. Put her down on all 4, then get behind her, and start doing what you do best.

3. Then slap her on the ass, and quickly grab her firmly by the hips

4.YELL: this is how the little 18 year old slut across town likes it too..

5. Then you have to hang on for 8 seconds..

Phantom Blooper

09-23-05, 04:48 PM

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Phantom Blooper

09-23-05, 04:55 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she >was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for a guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side, all the while thinking to herself "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children?"

She turns to him. They kiss and then rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Phantom Blooper

09-23-05, 04:56 PM

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said, "You were homesick."

yellowwing

09-23-05, 06:00 PM

FOUR GHOSTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE
One night, Bill Clinton is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bill asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bill is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bill calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did, "Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bill. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bill whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bill isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bill pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Ed Palmer

09-24-05, 01:07 PM

One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away.
"By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm."

"Where did they burry him?'"

"Duh - they didn't bury him, he was recycled!"

Nagalfar

09-24-05, 01:15 PM

Dear Dad,

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia):

A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway.

Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multinational Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Dad, tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth J.
Lt Col., USMC

Joseph P Carey

09-24-05, 02:05 PM

Nagalfar,

I loved it! Outstanding! Go Col Mary Beth!

When it happened that the public was incensed about the lack of French Cooperation with OIF. The public stopped buying French’s Mustard. The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent and urgent statement to the public:

"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. It is not true! There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Be advised, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY, and the only thing we, our products, and the French have in common is that they are both yellow".

Phantom Blooper

09-24-05, 08:49 PM

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as
the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive
pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1 ,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."The pastor was amazed.

"Your son is very successful; what does he
do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."

Phantom Blooper

09-25-05, 06:26 AM

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

:banana:

Phantom Blooper

09-25-05, 08:58 AM

Some Rednecks are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that are true Rednecks.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

GRUBWORM (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for commmunication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

:banana:

Ed Palmer

09-25-05, 01:29 PM

Strange Child Support 'Reasons'

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Number 11 takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Ed Palmer

09-25-05, 01:37 PM

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward Heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life, and I will give up tequila, too."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."

Phantom Blooper

09-25-05, 05:56 PM

MILITARY RULES

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patch's on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines

:marine: :marine: :marine:

Phantom Blooper

09-25-05, 07:55 PM

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's $hit... that's right, $hit!

$hit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get $hit-faced, be $hit-out-of-luck or have $hit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your $hit together, find a place for your $hit or be asked to $hit or get off the pot.

You can smoke $hit, buy $hit, sell $hit, lose $hit, find $hit, forget $hit and tell others to eat ****.

Some people know their $hit, while others can't tell the difference between $hit and $hiteola.

There are lucky $hits, dumb $hits and crazy $hits.

There is bull $hit, horse $hit and chicken $hit.

You can throw $hit, sling $hit, catch $hit, shoot the $hit, or duck when the $hit hits the fan.

You can give a $hit or serve $hit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep $hit or be happier than a pig in $hit.

Some days are colder than $hit, some days are hotter than $hit and some days are just plain $hitty.

Some music sounds like $hit, things can look like $hit, and there are times when you feel like $hit.

You can have too much $hit, not enough $hit, the right $hit, the wrong $hit or a lot of weird $hit.

You can carry $hit, have a mountain of $hit, or find yourself up $hit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to $hit and other times you fall in a bucket of $hit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your $hit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well $hit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a $hit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of $hit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of $hit from some $hit-head..........

Well, $hit Happens!!!

And that is no $hit. I $hit you not people.

Ed Palmer

09-26-05, 04:05 PM

Three men of the cloth, a Catholic, a Jew and an Episcopalian
were on an airplane trip together. They ran into the worst
turbulence in the history of aviation on the whole flight.

When the plane finally landed, a reporter is there and starts
interviewing people. The first one is the Catholic and when
asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Catholic my son and
yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I knew he would
see me through it."

The reporter said thank you and went up to the next man of
the cloth and asked was he afraid, he answered, "I am Jewish
my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I
knew he would see me through it."

The reporter said thank you and went up to the third man of
the cloth whose clothes were all messed up, wet streaks down
his pants and chunks on his chest. He was asked the same
questions and replied, "I'm an Ecopalian".

The reporter says, "Ecopalian, what is an Ecopalian?"

And the man of the cloth said, "That's an Episcopalian with
the pxss scared out of him!"

Ed Palmer

09-26-05, 04:11 PM

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and poppin beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a bee nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neithe could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. A they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked u and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in hi ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodg it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose an told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is s intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. Th father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Ed Palmer

09-26-05, 04:14 PM

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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What were you thinking?
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Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Ed Palmer

09-26-05, 04:18 PM

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 year with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."

Ed Palmer

09-26-05, 04:24 PM

How kinky are you? test. Each question you answer Yes to, is worth 2 points. There are, what I hope will be, a few trick tongue cheek questions here, so if you score a 100 on this test, you are WAY too kinky ;) For those that wonder, BB scored a 84 on this test ;)
Have you

1. Given, or received oral sex, while in a moving vehicle?
2 . Actually screwed someone, while in a moving vehicle?
3. Done it on a non moving motorbike?
4. Done it on a moving motorbike?
5. Done it to a motorbike? Moving or non moving
6. Done it on a non moving horse?
7. Done it on a moving horse?
8. Done it to a horse? Moving or non moving
9. Done it while suspended vertically with ropes or chains?
10. Done it while suspended horizontally with ropes or chains?
11. Done it bound and/or gagged? Just having your hands bound or cuffed counts!
12. Done it in an airplane?
13. Done it in hot air balloon?
14. Done it on the washer during the spin cycle?
15. Done it on the dryer while the clothes were tumbling?
16. Done it in a barn?
17. Done it in a field or meadow?
18. Done it upside down?
19. Done it with something not quite human?
20. Done it with something very definitely not human?
21. Done it while you were wearing a set of spurs?
22. Done it while your partner was wearing a set spurs?
23. Done it to a set of spurs?
24. Done it bent over a brick fence, fence rail, saddle rack, or other handy object?
25. Done it up against the wall?
26. Done it to a hole in the wall?
27. Done it while in a tree?
28. Done it to a tree?
29. Done it in the ocean?
30. Done it in the tub or shower? Hot tubs count!
31. Got a least one adult toy?
32. Got a collection of adult toys?
33. Had phone sex?
34. Had sex while on the phone?
35. Had sex with a phone?
36. Had cyber sex
37. Had sex with real person, while at your computer. Oral sex counts here!
38. Had sex with your computer?
39. Had a threesome?
40. Had more than a threesome?
41. Had sex on the beach? I mean real sex! Not the drink! But, oral sex counts!
42. Had oral sex? On the beach or anywhere else.
43. Had sex while standing up? Yes oral sex counts!
44. Had sex while sitting down? Besides at your computer. Of course oral sex counts!
45. Had sex in a public bathroom?
46. Had sex on a table? Pool tables count here!
47. Had sex on a park bench? Yeah yeah, oral sex counts.
48. Had sex at football or other ball game?
49. Had sex with a football? Or other kind of ball? Gonads do not count!
50. And last but not least, Have you ever been arrested for having sex in any of the above mentioned forms or places?
BONUS QUESTION! This one is worth 4 points! Were you convicted after your arrest

Ed Palmer

09-26-05, 07:27 PM

tuna and rye bread.

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.

God greets her at the Pearly Gates."Are you hungry, Mother
Teresa?" says God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye
bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into
Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters,
pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting,
she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell
enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is
opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God,
I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious,
obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and
a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like
emperors and kings! I just don't understand."

God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people,
does it pay to cook?"

thedrifter

09-27-05, 06:39 AM

Don't mess with Navy SEALS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:

1. Keep your priorities in order.

2. Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. " I'm waiting God, if you're real knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am,God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform.

The Professor was out cold!!

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that"?

"God was really busy, protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an *******...so he sent me!!"

Ed Palmer

09-27-05, 10:03 AM

A man hails a taxi, and gets inside.
"5th and Main, please."

"You again?" says the taxi driver. "This is the 4th time I've dropped you and your wife off at work."

"Really? My wife doesn't work."

"Yes, she does. I drop her off there everyday, about an hour after I drive you to work."

"There?"

"Behind the Tillman & Lane department store."

"Interesting," says the man. "Tell you what. Pick me up in two hours, and I want you to show me where my wife works." So two hours later, the taxi arrives and takes the man to *****house behind Tillman & Lane.

"Hold on," said the driver. "I'll be right back."

There's a huge commotion after the driver goes in, with cursing and screaming and the sounds of breaking furniture. The driver comes out with a woman in a headlock.

"That's not my wife!" exclaims the man.

"I know. She's mine. I'm going back in for yours."

Ed Palmer

09-27-05, 10:11 AM

Illegal Immigrants Poem

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

American crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.

If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

SEND THIS TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER

Ed Palmer

09-27-05, 06:09 PM

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Ed Palmer

09-28-05, 08:09 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cartoon75-vi.gif

Ed Palmer

09-28-05, 03:14 PM

"Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily Iraq briefing.
He concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"

sgt.r.n.davis

09-29-05, 08:56 PM

A DRUNK WALKS INTO A BAR AND TELLS THE BARTENDER,LET ME HAVE A BEER.
THEN THE BARTENDER ASKED THE DRUNK ,IF YOU CAN ANSWER MY QUESTION I'LL GIVE YOU THE DRINK FOR FREE.
THE DRUNK THINKS FOR A MINUTE AND THEN AGREE'S.
BARTENDER ASKED, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A VENETION BLIND???
WELL, THE DRUNK SAID THAT IS EASY, JUST POLK HIM IN THE EYES!:cool:

Joseph P Carey

10-01-05, 10:30 AM

We all know someone that is annoying. See if you can find your friend in the 101 ways to be annoying, maybe, even you might appear.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Phantom Blooper

10-02-05, 05:45 AM

After fussing about him being sure to pay great attention to detail, the matron asked the artist if he could paint a stunning diamond necklace, broach, and earrings , and an emerald ring on her portrait? Of course he replied, but would madame care to model them for me/?

Oh, I don't own any precious jewelry, she replied. You see, I have just a few months to live, and when my husband marries the slut secretary he's been screwing, I want her to go crazy trying to find the jewels.

ringoffire

10-02-05, 07:50 AM

Joseph Cary-very funny list!! My oldest son is #67 and he does get physically restrained and my youngest son is #76 and it is pretty gross, but he just gives the cookie parts to the dogs.

Ed Palmer

10-02-05, 09:25 AM

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"

Joseph P Carey

10-02-05, 10:41 AM

Who said nothing is being taught in today's public schools? A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.
Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can't teach an old dog . . . math.
If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.
Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.
None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

Joseph P Carey

10-02-05, 11:03 AM

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more RECTAL DEODORANT.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

GySgtRet

10-02-05, 12:52 PM

Oh my gawd. DUH...!!! I gues I could have fun with that blonde..

Semper Fidelis

Ed Palmer

10-03-05, 07:58 AM

Banned Substances Found in Lance Armstrong's Paris Hotel Room: "legacy may be tarnished."

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crow is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.

Ed Palmer

10-03-05, 08:02 AM

We smelly/slimey Frogs have no need for decadent toothpaste, soap or deodorant. We have evolved beyond the need for testicles and a backbone.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/French_Frog.jpg

Joseph P Carey

10-03-05, 10:12 AM

I know that some of us have had problems with computers, but did you ever have problems like this Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

GySgtRet

10-03-05, 10:28 AM

Joseph P Carey,

I know people like this one. God loves them too..

Semper Fidelis

Joseph P Carey

10-03-05, 11:05 AM

Actually, this really happened...

GySgtRet

10-03-05, 11:22 AM

I don't doubt it...

marinefamily5

10-03-05, 04:08 PM

A guy got on a plane, and finding himself seated next to a cute blonde, immediately turned to her and made his move. "You know," he began, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it and looked at him warily. "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about...............nuclear power?"

"OK," the blonde agreed. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff-----grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The man was dumbfounded. Finally he replied, "To be honest, I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," said the blonde. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power with me, when you don't know ****!?"

Joseph P Carey

10-04-05, 01:23 AM

Is hell endothermic or exothermic?

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; ...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Since1775

10-04-05, 09:09 AM

One day a little Indian boy walks up to his father, the chief, and asks, "Father, how did my brother, Running Deer, get his name?"

"Well, when your brother was born I looked outside of the tent and saw a running deer."

"Father, how did my sister, Graceful Buffalo get her name?"

"Well, when your sister was born I looked outside of then tent and saw a graceful buffalo... Why do you ask, Buffalo Crap?"

Ed Palmer

10-04-05, 12:41 PM

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her ''I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, ''You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said ''Clean my house.''

sgtfowler

10-04-05, 01:41 PM

British officers used to wear red coats so that when they were
injured the men could not see the blood,, The same reasoning that French officers wear brown pants......

GySgtRet

10-04-05, 02:09 PM

sgtfowler,

Those French really know how to color coordinate their clothes, don't they?

Semper Fidelis

Joseph P Carey

10-04-05, 04:38 PM

In much of the Islamic world, religious officials announced spotting the first sliver of the crescent moon Monday night, signaling the start of the holy month.

Muslims hurried home Tuesday for "iftar," the meal that breaks the dawn-to-dusk fast. For the coming four weeks, Muslims are expected to abstain during daylight hours from food, drink, smoking and sex to focus on spiritual introspection.

Now! I bet they wish they had President Bill Clinton in charge to define what IS sex and what ISN'T sex!

GySgtRet

10-04-05, 08:34 PM

Good point...!!!

Joseph P Carey

10-05-05, 12:50 AM

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do Women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises . . . He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. . . . . . Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH

GySgtRet

10-05-05, 02:23 PM

Joseph P Carey,

You got me on this one for sure. I thought that you were going for sensetive side to this then WHAM...!!! The truth.

Thanks,

Semper Fidelis

Joseph P Carey

10-06-05, 02:26 AM

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So, he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing,nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big f_cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my a$$!"

Since1775

10-06-05, 05:11 AM

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and undoes the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.

Again, she finds that she cannot manage the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. She finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.

Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

The Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

ringoffire

10-06-05, 09:14 AM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

nyciaobella

10-06-05, 11:12 AM

Can someone help me?

A while back I read a Dear John letter posted in this section that was great, I want to send it to some friends but I can not find it, can anyone help me?
Thanks

GySgtRet

10-06-05, 11:33 AM

nyciaobella,

Is this the Dear John that you are referring to?

lucien2
Member

Offline
Registered: Jan 2005
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 353
Dear John........
The Best Break up Letter Ever
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a

"Dear John"letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please
return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky.....

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,ex-girlfriends,
aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included
all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his
buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please
take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take
Care, Ricky...

__________________
"Crooked was the path and brazen was the walk"

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nyciaobella

10-06-05, 11:35 AM

Gunny

YES

That is the one, Thank you so much, I had told a Gunny friend of mine about it and I had wanted to send it to him...

Thanks again
Semper FI

GySgtRet

10-06-05, 11:57 AM

nyciaobella,

Your welcome. I liked it too.

Semper Fidelis

jgorosco

10-06-05, 12:33 PM

This happened in a little town in New Mexico (probably Espanola), and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.

The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming slowly towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life. Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.

About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira, Pedro. That's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

SEMPER FI
IYAOYAS

Joseph P Carey

10-06-05, 01:52 PM

I often read the Darwin Awards, because truth, in a macabre way, is stranger, and funnier, than fiction. For those that do not know of the Darwin Awards, they are awards named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

I call this one pi$$ed off forever...

(2 November 2004, Portland, Oregon) Dianne, a 56-year-old bus driver with 22 years of experience, pulled into the Sunset Transit Center shortly before noon. She was running six minutes late, and was eager to use the bathroom.

After waiting impatiently for her passengers to disembark, Dianne hurried off the bus, leaving the engine in gear and running, with no parking brake engaged. She walked around the front of the bus and reached in the driver's window to pull the lever that closed the door.

The bus is equipped with automatic brakes that keep it from moving as long as the doors are open. Once the doors shut, the brakes release after a one-and-a-half-second delay.

As Dianne passed in front of the bus on her way to the toilet, she suddenly found the 15-ton bus creeping slowly towards her. She could have jumped out of the way. In fact, she could have ambled out of the way. Instead, witnesses watched her push against the bus with her arms outstretched, in an effort to stop it.

The mass of a bus is more than 200 times the mass of an adult woman. You do the math. The bus did indeed stop, eventually, due to circumstances other than Dianne's efforts.

Paramedics arrived within minutes, to find Dianne dead beneath the bus.

An investigation blamed the accident on "operator error."

AND, another that only a Marine can see the humor in:

(3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.

The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.

But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.

The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.

Rule number one, do not conduct surprise tactics on recruits with loaded weapons.

GySgtRet

10-06-05, 02:08 PM

This is why the Drill Instructors are so nice at the rifle range...LOL

Semper Fidelis

Future-USMC-LT

10-06-05, 03:42 PM

And why they stay faaaaar away from the firing line.

PFC HYATT CR

10-06-05, 05:44 PM

man is that the truth. at the range i had to squint just to be able to make out the outline of my drill instructors

Joseph P Carey

10-06-05, 07:01 PM

Originally posted by PFC HYATT CR
man is that the truth. at the range i had to squint just to be able to make out the outline of my drill instructors

That should be still within Five Hundred Yards, you still could have marked him from where you were! All kidding aside, you had better get him first, because I have seen those guys shoot, and I know what they can do; In the Off-hand position at Five Hundred Yards they will still split your eyebrows.

Since1775

10-07-05, 05:25 AM

It was the night of the big ball. Of course Cinderella had nothing to wear except rags.

Along comes the fairy Godmother and says, "Dear Cinderella I will give you the most beautiful dress, a carriage but you have to put this diaphragm in. Also, you have to be back by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin."

So she agrees and goes to the ball. Its now 2 a.m. and the fairy Godmother is wondering where she is. Finally Cinderella walks in the door. The fairy Godmother says, "Didn't the diaphragm turn into a pumpkin?"

Cinderela said, "Yeah, but I met this guy Peter, Peter something or another."

Since1775

10-07-05, 05:57 AM

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He says, "What's that for this time?"

She answered, "Your horse called."

Ed Palmer

10-07-05, 07:06 AM

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Ed Palmer

10-07-05, 07:08 AM

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P. M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Ed Palmer

10-07-05, 12:06 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/jj.jpg
now blame that on the dog

Ed Palmer

10-07-05, 12:08 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/m.jpg

Joseph P Carey

10-07-05, 01:26 PM

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Since1775

10-07-05, 02:56 PM

Boy: I've just bought myself a pet pig.

Mom: Where are you going to keep it?

Boy: In my bedroom.

Mom: But what about the smell?

Boy: Oh he'll get used to it.

Joseph P Carey

10-07-05, 05:18 PM

I told you about my penchant for reading the Darwin awards, I read where a former Soldier wrote this. God Bless the Army, without them, we would have nothing to laugh at.

Erin Corliss from 1995 to 1997 was in the Army, stationed in Camp Casey, Korea, outside the village of Tongduchon.

One weekend he went for a hike with a friend of his. They walked across the valley and climbed one of the mountains to the north. They were used to seeing Korean War-era bunkers and trenches in the mountains, but this time they came across an aging microwave tower.

Surrounding the tower was a clumpish circle of rusting razor wire decorated with tiny red triangular signs that said something in Korean.

He crawled into the tangle of wire and retrieved one of the signs as a souveneir. The day progressed, they reached the top of the hill, looked around, and returned.

When they got back to base, he went to one of the KATUSAs (Korean soldiers working with the US Army) to ask him what the sign meant.

He translated it as a single word -- "Landmines".

It is good to know a foriegn language especially in a foreign country.

Joseph P Carey

10-08-05, 12:59 AM

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.

If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem your ladyship, with a better health plan of course."

thedrifter

10-08-05, 12:00 PM

Ancient Chinese Proverbs Revised

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have ****ty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be ****ed off than ****ed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is ****ing nuts.
:banana:

Phantom Blooper

10-08-05, 11:00 PM

Lulu was a prostitute - One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

"I just take my teeth out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!"

The policeman fainted.
:banana:

Joseph P Carey

10-09-05, 12:34 AM

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

thedrifter

10-10-05, 06:59 AM

The Difference Between Guts & Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Ed Palmer

10-10-05, 10:26 AM

Funny celebrity quotes

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

More miscellaneous jokes

Ed Palmer

10-10-05, 10:36 AM

Subject: 2005 Calendar

The all nude police officer calendar for 2005 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers.

2005 Calendarhttp://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

Joseph P Carey

10-10-05, 01:18 PM

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

Joseph P Carey

10-11-05, 03:50 AM

How would define Revenge? I believe this young lad has the definition down pat.

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e- mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pi$$ed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Joseph P Carey

10-11-05, 05:29 AM

A little more from the Darwin Awards files, and here is hoping some of the tree huggin and PETA members of our society will soon follow in suit.

Kindness to animals is surely a virtue - but to what point?

Nighttime, a two-lane highway with no median, outskirts of Munich, Germany. Young German actress Julia Palmer-Stoll, 21, sees a hedgehog scurrying across the road. After swerving to avoid it, she promply pulls off the road, hops out of her car, and runs out to save the hedgehog.

But--- mistake number one, she forgets to pull the handbrake before getting out of her car and running out onto the highway. The car rolls backwards down a slope, and the headlights shine directly into oncoming traffic.

And, mistake number, two, the young actress is dressed, as most young actresses, completely in dark clothing.

Needless to describe in detail what happens next. An oncoming car, blinded by her headlights, is not able to see the darkly dressed actress standing in the middle of the highway, and hits her head-on.

Tragically, the young woman removed herself permanently from the gene pool. But miraculously, the hedgehog, protected by her arms, survived to tell the tale.

Joseph P Carey

10-11-05, 05:39 AM

It is hard to get good and intelligent help now days:

In a South African Hospital, doctors were shocked to see a different patient in the same bed dead every Friday for four weeks.

A bacteria check failed to find anything, thus adding to the puzzlement.

Eventually, the doctors decided to plant a camera in the room and promptly discovered the reason.

Every Friday, the maid came into the questioned room. She would unplug the patient's life support system quite unaware of what it was. She would then plug in her floor waxer, and she waxed the floor, and unplugged it, and plugged in the life support system again, quite unaware that the patient was now dead.

Ed Palmer

10-12-05, 07:57 AM

Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he’s ready to play.
"OK," says the French Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The French Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?

"
[http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/French_Frog.jpg

jgorosco

10-12-05, 09:35 AM

C:\Documents and Settings\Jason\My Documents\050817_UpSkirt.jpg

Ed Palmer

10-12-05, 10:20 AM

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go
before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St.Peter must
decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go
to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the
most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be
able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then
drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two
of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets
in and I don't?!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Joseph P Carey

10-12-05, 01:18 PM

A terrible thing happened. A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

outlaw3179

10-12-05, 01:59 PM

I know a little old but Carey that one about the polaroid being sent to the parents was hilarious......! I love it .

Joseph P Carey

10-13-05, 03:45 AM

The doctor told a truck diver that was have trouble with premature ejactulation with his lover that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath to pose as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

thedrifter

10-14-05, 04:32 AM

New State Mottos

This list was compiled from submissions sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.

Alabama:

Like the third world, but closer.
(Jim Villani, Stouffer, VA)

Don't tell MS, but we're ALL sportin' boners right now!
(Andy Pierson, Huntingtown, MD)

Because SC is a Little Too Progressive for Some of Us
(David Worenklein, White Plains, NY)

Keeping it in the family since 1819.
(Robert K. Pfaff, Madison, WI)

Alaska:

Colder Than a Witch's Tit -- and Prettier, Too!
(Stephen Smith, Lexington, KY)

Yeah, but it's a dry cold.
(Andy Hynds, Carbondale, IL)

We Get to Kill Whales and You Don't!
(Dawn Tammy Reeves, Douglasville, GA)

We're cold and lonely: LET US HAVE OUR POT BACK!
(Eric Akawie, Burke, VA)

Arizona:

The Pacific Coast State!
(Michelle Steiner, Sunnyvale, CA)

Oh, crap. I guess now WE'RE gonna need a new motto, too.
(Rob Miles, Salem, VA)

Arkansas:

It's Trailer-rific!!!
(Robin B. Shore, Everett, MA)

Honest, we were just try'n to get that sheep back over the fence.
(Kent Sievers, Papillion, NE)

Attention, K-Mart Shoppers!
(Mike Tamburri, Riverton, NJ)

California:

Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board!
(Paul McGinness, New Rochelle, NY)

With Satan, too, all things are possible -- and way more fun!
(Lynda Burney, Costa Mesa, CA)

What the hell's up with VT???
(C. Koogler, Fountain Valley, CA)

Silicon Valley in the North, Silicone Hills in the South!
(Linh Pham, Beaverton, OR)
(Claudia Sammons, Lafayette, LA)

Colorado:

Now 100% John Denver free!
(John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI)

Connecticut:

The "C" is Silent, C*******!
(Mike Dougherty, Chicago, IL)

Florida:

Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong
(David D. Brand, Memphis, TN)

Hey you kids, get off of my state!
(Joe Lex, Philadelphia, PA)

We make the US look like it's ****ing on Cuba.
(Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX)

So close, you can smell Fidel.
(Tom Sullivan, Mebane, NC)

The Phallic Symbol State
(Tom Wideman, Grapevine, TX)

More than just a great place to die.
(Jim Villani, Stouffer, VA)

Now With 25% More Cubans!
(Michael Leatherbury, Bristol PA)

Where the 3 R's are for Rednecks, Retirees and Raft Arrivals
(Brad Deen, Clayton, NC)

With Elian gone and Spring Break over, we're once again safe for Grandma.
(Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... and we'll send 'em back to you free of charge!
(BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI)

Come See Your Grandparents Before They Die
(Tod Davis, Atlanta, GA)

Hawaii:

Why Does Everybody Think Putting Ham and Pineapple on Something Makes it "Hawaiian"?
(Christopher Chen; Evanston, IL)

Idaho:

You Can Be Da Ho Next!
(Ken Hirlinger, Boonville, MO)
(Jim Goldman, Warrington, PA)

Get Your Whites Their Whitest!
(Scott MacLeod, Livermore, CA)

Cogito ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam.
(S. Davidson, San Diego, CA)

Illinois:

Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
(Andy Pierson, Huntingtown, MD)

The "I See Dead Voters" State
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

Indiana:

Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!
(Nabeel Ibrahim, Sunnyvale, CA)

Where EVERY year is 1957.
(Mark Ueber, Fort Wayne, IN)

Iowa:

Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
(Scott Naness, Staten Island, NY)

Our Trees Bend North Because Minnesota Sucks.
(Eddie Hatfield, Des Moines, IA)

Kansas:

We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either.
(Matt Van Opens, Kenosha, WI)

More hills than Nebraska!
(Jeffrey K Eliasen, Los Lunas, NM)

Kentucky:

Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest!
(Tom Wright, Memphis, TN)

Shallowest gene pool in the Union
(Brian Dozer, Studio City, CA)

We've Heard ALL the Hillbilly Jokes, So Don't Even Bother.
(Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY)

Massachusetts:

Now with 30% fewer Kennedys!
(Brian J. DiMattia, Boston, MA)

Michigan:

It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.
(Trevor Rootbier, Walnut Creek, CA)

Auto strikes, disgruntled postal workers, and a surplus of Canadians, oh my!
(Brian Smith, Odessa, FL)

Forget Detroit, it's actually part of Canada.
(Scott E. Frank, Tampa, FL)

Minnesota:

First Line of Defense Against the Canadians
(Chris Fromm, Granite Falls, MN)

Those guys in Fargo lived in ND, okay?
(Bob Garman, Merced, CA)

Mississippi:

We're Hard-on Crime
(Claudia Sammons, Lafayette, LA)

Foiling Spelling Bees for over 150 years
(Bryan Sparhawk, Port Angeles, WA)

Keeping Louisiana from being last in *every* quality of life category.
(Alan Gandolfi, Metairie, LA)

Don't even *think* about it, Chester!
(Andy Hynds, Carbondale, IL)

Missouri:

Missouri Loves Company
(Ilene Morgan, Rolla, MO)

Montana:

One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. Unless, of course, you don't believe in that sort of thing, in which case you can find a patch of land, build and arsenol, write a manefesto and start your own damned government.
(Jason White, Hilliard, OH)

Anti-Government-Isolationist-Compound Conventions Welcome!
(Aaron Eberhard, Jersey Shore, PA)

Now with 50% fewer radical dissidents.
(Bob Garman, Merced, CA)

Nebraska:

The "N" is for "Knowledge!"
(Chris Pultz, Denver, CO)

You're Not in Kansas Anymore!
(Lonnie Falk, Prospect, KY)

New Jersey:

Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.
(David Juurlink, Toronto, Canada)

What smell?
(James Rouse, Independence, MO)

Home of Jimmy Hoffa's grave... somewhere.
(Paul McGinness, New Rochelle, NY)

Hey, Quit Laughing!!
(Carl Pappert, Cheyenne WY)

All those chemical waste sites and Trump's Taj Mahal, too!
(Carl Pappert, Cheyenne WY)

New York:

The Go **** Yourself State
(Rob Ahnemann, Nacogdoches, TX)

New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!
(Scott Naness, Staten Island, NY)

Just try to spend more for gas!
(Scott Ventura, Rochester NY)

Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have money for a taxi to the airport.
(Evan J. Simper, Orem, UT)

North Carolina:

Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag!
(Brandon Thornburg, Portland, OR)

North Dakota:

Last one to leave, turn out the light.
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson TX)

You probably don't want to visit any more than we want to live here.
(Dan Paff, Indianapolis, IN)

Ohio:

We're Full of Inbreds, Too -- We Just Have a Better PR Firm.
(Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY)

It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
(Lara Allan, Boston, MA)

With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the Supreme Court doesn't hurt, either
(Michal Bryc, Saint Louis, MO)

In God We Trust (C'mon -- we dare you to strike *this* one down!)
(Robert Philhower, Yorktown, NY)
(Dennis, San Diego, CA)

With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
(Henry Marx, Laurel, MD)
(John Hale, Lewisville, TX)
(Andy Walker, Colorado Springs, CO)

With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible.
(Pamela Rice Hahn, Celina, OH)

Oklahoma:

We're like the Canada of TX!
(Joel Borden, Fremont, CA)

Oklahoma: Named After an Indian Tribe We Slaughtered
(Steven Mielnicki, Washington, DC)

Oregon:

Home of quality babes like Tonya Harding and Monica Lewinski.
(Audrey Bain, Beaverton, OR)

Pennsylvania:

Under Construction
(Stephen Mowdy, Doha, Qatar)

With goats, all things are possible.
(Kristy Baxter, Warren PA)
(Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH)

Rhode Island:

Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It
(Wayne Jones, Somerville, MA)

Yes, we know what a "peninsula" is.
(Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

South Carolina:

Oh, yeah -- like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
(John D. Hopkins, Atlanta, GA)

Ya don't think removin' that flag changes nothin', do ya, boy?
(Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

If at first you don't secede: try, try again.
(Jim Bedsole, Greenville, SC)

The OTHER white state.
(Brett Baylor, Dayton, OH)
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)

South Dakota:

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!
(Ben Ostrowsky, Tampa, FL)
(Herman Suarez, Richland, WA)

Tennessee:

The Darwin State
(Devin Pike, Dallas, TX)

Established in 1796 by Al Gore
(David Hibbs, Houston, TX)

Texas:

We Let America See Our Bush!
(Shane J. Van Cott, Orem, UT)

The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection
(Tom Poole, Austin, TX)

We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
(Joshua Martinez, Round Rock, TX)

We put the "Ex" in "execution"!
(Michelle Mills, Seattle, WA)

Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
(Curt Tuck, Ras Tanura, Eastern Province, Saudi Arabia)

With your father as ex-president, all things are possible.
(Bill Burgess, Houston, TX)

West Virginia:

Got Teeth?
(Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH)

Because somebody has to make Virginia look good.
(Bill McNeil, Kensington, MD)

It seemed like a good idea at the time.
(Tom sullivan, Mebane, NC)

The State of Brotherly and Sisterly Love
(David D. Brand, Memphis, TN)

Oh, honestly, people. We have a world-class orchestra. We have a university. We... hey, Joe-Bob, pass me the chewin' tobakky, willya?
(Jenny Rowland, Brea, CA)

Utah:

Now open 7 days a week.
(Mark Jeffords, Ogden, UT)

Michael Jackson is *almost* white enough to live here now.
(Phil Traynor, St. Petersburg, FL)

With OUR God, all things are possible.
(Keith Alexander, Sandy Hook, CT)

It really sucked giving up multiple wives.
(Mark Frankis, Mountain View, CA)

Putting the "white" in "red, white, and blue."
(Joel Borden, Fremont, CA)

Vermont:

We don't care who you marry, as long as we get the license fee.
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

Virginia:

Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!
(Michael Klayman, Long island, NY)

Washington:

Come for the Protests -- Stay for the Coffee!
(Geoff Thomas, Lynnwood, WA)

Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly.
(John Losey, Auburn, WA)

With Gates, all things are possible.
(Eric Bell, Philadelphia, PA)
(Keith Alexander, Sandy Hook, CT)

Wisconsin:

Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers.
(BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI)

Cutting the Cheese Since 1848
(Liz Scott, Madison, AL)

You're Among Cows.
(David Gunter, Forest Park, IL)

Ed Palmer

10-14-05, 08:04 AM

thought for the day

State patrol cops spend most of their time writing tickets, but who do they depend on to call in tips about suspicious vehicles, Amber Alerts, or BOLO's? That's right - the very same citizens they depend on for ticket revenue. Just as odd as this story - except that it happens all day, every day.

Joseph P Carey

10-14-05, 02:32 PM

Ways to annoy your public bathroom stall-mate

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'may I borrow a highlighter?'

Say, 'uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'

Drop a marble and say, 'Oh No! My glass eye!'

Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, 'Now how did that get in there.'

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'

Say, 'Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.''

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'

Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now.'

Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free.'

Osotogary

10-14-05, 03:55 PM

Joseph, could there be a Greyhound Bus Station with your name on it? LMAO!
Speaking of glass eyes, there used to be a real unkept man who used to get on a rush hour packed bus in downtown San Francisco wearing an over coat and cowboy hat and he used to just stare at the person who was sitting on the bus seat, where he was standing ,and freak them out. If the person didn't get uncomfortable enough to get up and move to another location he would reach into his eye socket and pull out his artificial eye and then stare at that person and everyone around him with one good eye and one hollow socket. He made alot of folks uncomfortable.
Nope, it wasn't me. I don't have a glass eye. LOL

Joseph P Carey

10-14-05, 04:38 PM

Strange as it may seem, when I went back to college in the early 90s, I used the transit system here in Tucson, and we had a guy a lot like that. No over coat though, but the same MO. He used to get pi$$ed when I used to laugh at him when he pulled the same stunt on me. After a few times at me laughing at him, he left me alone and found better prey on the bus.

It seems that Tucson is Winter Quarters for the California disenfranchised.

Ed Palmer

10-14-05, 04:44 PM

Two old friends, one married and one single, were reunited after many years apart.
The single man asked his friend, “So, what’s it like being married for five years?”

The married man replied, “Well, it’s OK. But I sure do get tired of putting it in the same hole.”

“Well, why don’t you just turn her over?” snickered the single friend.

The married friend looked at him in disgust and replied, “What, and have a house full of kids?”

Joseph P Carey

10-15-05, 01:46 AM

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING *** (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to **** all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to **** all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had ****ed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You **** all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!