Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

The Sand Box Fart...


:






A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that," she asked
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion,
the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 10 feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims.
"Just what I thought, dual exhaust!

[Joseph P Carey]

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, Pete, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Women doing it to men, men doing it to women, women doing it to other women, and men doing it to other men! I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."

And so they did.



Do you know what the letter said?



No?



Hmmm... So YOU didn't get the letter either, huh??

[Ed Palmer]

Nudist member









A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde
walks
by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him and says, "did you call for me?" The man replies, "no,
what do you mean?"

She says, "you must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads
him
to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him
to
her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man
lumbers out of the steam room towards him, " did you call for me" says
the
hairy man? "No, what do you mean?" asks the new comer. "Its a rule that
if
you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge hairy man spins
him
around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by a
smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks. The man yells,
"here is my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep
the
$500 membership fee!" "But sir" she replies, "you have only been here for
a
few hours. You haven't even had the chance to see all of our facilities."
The man replies, " listen lady, I am 63 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I am outta here!"

[Phantom Blooper]

The Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


The Situation:

You're in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around
you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

The Test

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. . Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly
realize who it is....... It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.


The Question:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......



Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Joseph P Carey]

High Contrast Color Film, and I would throw my Cellular phone away so I wouldn't have to make a call to the authorities for help. Perhaps, I would throw her a chain for her to hold onto. Oops! Too bad! She sunk with the chain! Leave it to a Clinton to take something that wasn't nailed down, and not bring it back!

[Joseph P Carey]

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!"

[thedrifter]

The Chili Cook-off Judge
Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook~off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges, both native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So, I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event.

http://p089.ezboard.com/fthefontmanscommunityfrm29.showMessage?topicID=510 0.topic

[Joseph P Carey]

A guy died and woke up to find he was in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thought to himself, "I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he saw that it was his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the counselor.

The counselor said, "What's the problem, you look depressed?"

The man responded, "Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell."

The counselor said, "Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?"

The man said, "Sure, I love to drink."

The counselor replied, "Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?"

The man said, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?"

The man said, "Well in my younger days I experimented a little; never inhaled."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?"

The man said, "Yes, I love to gamble."

The counselor replied, "You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night--black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?"

The man said, "Well, no I'm not."

The counselor replied, "Oh, Fridays then, uh, will certainly be a new experience for you..."

[Phantom Blooper]

A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday'. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its Thursday'."

[Ed Palmer]

How to Loose Weight








A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.



He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she asks.



He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."



It's dinnertime, so she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"



He declines again. "Naw, I'm still not hungry."



"Well," she says, "would you mind letting ME up? I'm starving."

[Joseph P Carey]

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes." said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!"

[Phantom Blooper]

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds
paid a visit to their Dr.

I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried said
the husband, My testicles are turning blue.

That's pretty unusual said the Dr, let me examine you.
The Dr. takes and look. Sure enough, the redneck's
testicles are blue.

The Dr. turns to the wife. Are you using the diaphragm I
prescribed for you.

Yes I am she replied.

And what kind of jelly are you using with it, the Dr.
ask.

Grape she replied.

[Phantom Blooper]

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting
married
within a short time period. Because mom was a bit
worried about how their sex lives would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after
the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom
was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and
got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last
drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week
after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson &
Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges
pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the
Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another
week went by,
and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card
finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting
were the words: "British Airways."

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and
finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted

[Phantom Blooper]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

[Phantom Blooper]

One day Johnny is riding his tricycle in the house.
He pulls up to his brother's room and says, "Anybody getting on the bus, get the **** on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the **** off! And anybody staying on, get to the ****ing back!!"

His brother looked at him and said, "Don't let Mom hear you saying that or she'll be awful mad."

So Johnny wheeled down to his sister's room and hollered, "Anybody getting on the bus, get the **** on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the **** off! And anybody staying on, get to the ****ing back!!"

His sister looked at him and said, "Don't let Mom hear you saying that or she'll be awful mad."

So Johnny wheeled down through the kitchen where his mother was doing dishes. He pulled up beside her and said, "Anybody getting on the bus, get the **** on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the **** off! And anybody staying on, get to the ****ing back!!"

Well Johnny's mother dropped what she was doing, spun around and knocked him right off his bike.

Johnny jumped up and said, "That's it Lady, **** around! We're already five minutes late!!!"

[Phantom Blooper]

F in arithmetic

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'."

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?"

"That's exactly what I said."

[Phantom Blooper]

Little Johnny is walking down the laneway one morning with something cupped in his hands. An old farmer sitting on the porch sees him coming and wonders what he is up to.

"Hey little Johnny, whatcha got there in your hands?"

Johnny replies, "Got me a bullfrog...goin to town to get me a bull."

The old farmer just chuckles. A short while later, here comes Johnny leading a bull. The old farmer scratches his head in amazement.

Next day, here comes Johnny down the lane again with something cupped in his hands. The old farmer looks up and asks again, "Johnny, whatcha got in your hands?"

Johnny replies, "Got me a horsefly...goin to town to get me a horse."

The old farmer sits back and waits. Sure enough, a short while later, here comes Johnny leading a horse. The old guy is stunned.

Very next morning, here comes Johnny down the laneway with something in his hands. The old farmer looks up and asks, "Johnny, whatcha got in your hands today?"

Johnny replies, "Got me a ***** willow...goin to town..."

"Wait for me, I'm comin with you!" yells the old farmer.

[Phantom Blooper]

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this account of what happened to his mother at the breakfast table:

Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so, too, because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like the doctor does. Except he's not as good as the doctor 'cause he had an awful hard time finding it and kept feeling all over for it.

He started getting sick, too, 'cause pretty soon both of them started panting like Rover and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold 'cause he put it under her skirt to warm it up. About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, Sis got real brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Oops, sorry, Mom. I know I'm not supposed to say that word. Sis started groaning and sqealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats...they have 9 lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead 'cause I saw Sis' boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.

DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE'S NOT MOVING!!!"

[thedrifter]

Actual Phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports. (Humor!)

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Ellie

[OLE SARG]

When I first read this thing I thought they were talking about jfk - john fonda kerry!!!! They all fit him!!

SEMPER FI,
OLE SARG

[Phantom Blooper]

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of @#%*.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh.... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.




11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connections between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.




21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.




31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder.... my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different"

[tbruyle5]

I got this from a friend -

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this William Wagenhoss" not sounding anything like my name, so I said who is calling?

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name; address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. :D

:marine:

[tbruyle5]

I got this from another friend -

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Jimmie

:marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but
was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered
him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it
was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only
she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question,
but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises,
etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure
such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total
freedom.


What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper
as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight
awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during
the night?

What a cruel question!

Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a
beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've
made your own choice.



































Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way,
things are going to get ugly

[tbruyle5]

Here is a little test that will help you decide........

Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:
......BANG!


Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click
Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
:marine:

[Phantom Blooper]

This feller went to visit his brother on his farm. As they were driving up, the farmer was pointing out all his goods. "Those are my cows over there, and that's the chicken coop over there." Suddenly, the guy sees a three-legged pig and starts laughing, "What the hell is that?"

"Shut up!" yells the farmer angrily. "That's a great pig. That pig saved my life."

"What?" Says the brother, "How'd he do that?"

"Well," says the farmer, "One time the house took fire in the middle of the night. That there pig broke out of his pen, busted into the house, ran upstairs and pulled me and Thelma outa bed, wakin' us up. If it wasn't for that pig, we'd be goners."

"Wow,"says the brother, "I had no idea."

"And that ain't all," says the farmer. "One time I was out ploughin' and the tractor tipped over and I was stuck under it. The fuel was pouring out and it was gonna catch fire any minute, but that pig ran over and pulled me out from under that tractor."

"Holy jumpin'" says the brother, "But how come he's only got three legs?"

"Come on! You don't eat a great pig like that all at once.

[Phantom Blooper]

Chicken Farming A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" "Well," says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy."I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots
of water," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"



The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[Nagalfar]

So Bizarre its funny..

In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS. The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus. He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten storey building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

When one intends to kill a subject "A" but kills subject "B' by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject "B"

When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an un-loaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the ponpensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisit twist. Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother's murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself.

[Phantom Blooper]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at
the counter, one tourist asked the employee. "Before we order, could you
please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we
are... very slowly?

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, " Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, King."

[Joseph P Carey]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

[thedrifter]

Posted on Sun, Aug. 21, 2005
From here on, let women kill their own spiders
BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 14, 1999.)

From time to time, I receive letters from a certain group of individuals

that I will describe, for want of a better term, as ''women.'' I have such a letter here, from a Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C., who asks the following question:

'Why do men open a drawer and say, `Where is the spatula?' Instead of, you know, looking for it?''

This question expresses a commonly held (by women) negative stereotype about guys of the male gender, which is that they cannot find things around the house, especially things in the kitchen. Many women believe that if you want to hide something from a man, all you have to do is put it in plain sight in the refrigerator, and he will never, ever find it, as evidenced by the fact that a man can open a refrigerator containing 463 pounds of assorted meats, poultry, cold cuts, condiments, vegetables, frozen dinners, snack foods, desserts, etc., and ask, with no irony whatsoever, ``Do we have anything to eat?''

Now, I COULD respond to this stereotype in a snide manner by making generalizations about women. I could ask, for example, how come your average woman prepares for virtually every upcoming event in her life, including dental appointments, by buying new shoes, even if she already owns as many pairs as the entire Riverdance troupe. I could point out that, if there were no women, there would be no such thing as Leonardo DiCaprio. I could ask why a woman would walk up to a perfectly innocent man who is minding his own business watching basketball and demand to know if a certain pair of pants makes her butt look too big, and then, no matter what he answers, get mad at him. I could ask why, according to the best scientific estimates, 93 percent of the nation's severely limited bathroom-storage space is taken up by decades-old, mostly empty tubes labeled ''moisturizer.'' I could point out that, to judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are (1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and (2) How to attract men.

Yes, I could raise these issues in response to the question asked by Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C., regarding the man who was asking where the spatula was. I could even ask WHY this particular man might be looking for the spatula. Could it be that he needs a spatula to kill a spider, because, while he was innocently watching basketball and minding his own business, a member of another major gender -- a gender that refuses to personally kill spiders but wants them all dead -- DEMANDED that he kill the spider, which nine times out of 10 turns out to be a male spider that was minding its own business? Do you realize how many men arrive in hospital emergency rooms every year, sometimes still gripping their spatulas, suffering from painful spider-inflicted injuries? I don't have the exact statistics right here, but I bet they are chilling.

As I say, I could raise these issues and resort to the kind of negativity indulged in by Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C. But I choose not to. I choose, instead, to address her question seriously, in hopes that, by improving the communication between the genders, all human beings -- both men and women, together -- will come to a better understanding of how dense women can be sometimes.

I say this because there is an excellent reason why a man would open the spatula drawer and, without looking for the spatula, ask where the spatula is: The man does not have TIME to look for the spatula. Why? Because HE IS BUSY THINKING. Men are ALMOST ALWAYS thinking. When you look at a man who appears to be merely scratching himself, rest assured that inside his head, his brain is humming like a high-powered computer, processing millions of pieces of information and producing important insights such as, ``This feels good!''

We should be grateful that men think so much, because over the years they have thought up countless inventions that have made life better for all people, everywhere. The shot clock in basketball is one example. Another one is underwear-eating bacteria. I found out about this thanks to the many alert readers who sent me an article from ''New Scientist'' magazine stating that Russian scientists -- and you KNOW these are guy scientists -- are trying to solve the problem of waste disposal aboard spacecraft, by 'designing a cocktail of bacteria to digest astronauts' cotton and paper underpants.'' Is that great, or what? I am picturing a utopian future wherein, when a man's briefs get dirty, they will simply dissolve from his body, thereby freeing him from the chore of dealing with his soiled underwear via the labor-intensive, time-consuming method he now uses, namely, dropping them on the floor.

I'm not saying that guys have solved all the world's problems. I'm just saying that there ARE solutions out there, and if, instead of harping endlessly about spatulas, we allow guys to use their mental talents to look for these solutions, in time, they will find them. Unless they are in the refrigerator.

Ellie
:D

[Phantom Blooper]

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

[Joseph P Carey]

Johnny and Jim Were two Marines on patrol in the desert. Early in the morning, while Jim is still sleeping, a snake bites his prick! "AAIIIIIII!!"

He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" After talking it over, they decide that Jim should stay where he is, and Johnny should go for help.

So Johnny starts off and soon encounters a Battalion Aid Station where he finds the Navy doctors hard at work. Johnny convinces the Yoeman to let him quickly talk to the doctor. "My friend is bitten by a snake. What do we do?"

"What kind of snake was it?"

"It was about one meter long, sort of green and yellow."

"Whoa boy. Those are very dangerous!"

"What can we do?"

"The only thing you can do is suck the poison out. Otherwise your friend will die!"

So Johnny goes back to his friend where he lay hidden and he starts packing up his gear.

Jim says, "Well, what did the doc say?"

Johnny says, "You're going to die."

...After all, there is just so much you can do for a fellow Marine!

[Joseph P Carey]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren!" POOF!! She is gone.

The second nun says, "I want-a to be Madonna!" POOF!! She is gone.

The third nun says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipilini."

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name is unfamiliar to me."

The nun takes a newspaper out and hands it to him.

He reads the paper and starts laughing, then hands it back to her and says, "No, sister. This paper says, 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days."

[Ed Palmer]

I'll Vote for this guy
T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from
Midland, TX, w! as asked on a local live radio talk
show the other day just what he thought of the
allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His
reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to
thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a
car's battery cables will save one American GI's
life, then I have just two things to say":

"Red is positive"
"Black is negative"

[Ed Palmer]

U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash


The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft that she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.


National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination that pilot error contributed to the accident, and that the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.


The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the! ground was injured.


Photographs taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft. See below:


*

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_2241084870000000web81802.jpg

[Nagalfar]

LMAO

[Joseph P Carey]

How appropriate, a plastic broom! It fits her to a tea!

[Joseph P Carey]

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[Joseph P Carey]

A man strides into a bar wearing a long trench coat and carrying a closed box. He walks up to the bar places the box upon it. He then opens the trench coat, revealing not only that he is buck naked but also very erect.

He then opens the box and removes a large turtle, at least a good ten pounds or so in weight. He brings it near his pecker and when it gets in reach it clamps on to his pecker. He then releases the turtle from his hands, and it hangs above the stools that line the bar. He walks up the length of the stools and back again, not saying a word.

When he reaches the point from which he started, he smacks the turtle on the head, causing it to release his pecker from its grasp. He puts it back in the box, closes his trench coat, and turns to the rest of the patrons of the bar.

"I'll give any man who can do that $1000," he says.

Then, from the back of the room, a really scrawny, dorky, feeble looking guy stands up and says, "I'll do it... as long as you promise not to hit me on the head when I'm done."

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly Alabama farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on the door and a shapely 40-something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked; "would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; "are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking; "are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye. Then lady then unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?" Drying his eyes he replied; "the drought got my corn,
the flood got my cotton, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Photograph to Grandma
>>
>> A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
>>grandmother
>> asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new
>>location
>>
>> Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
>>he cuts a
>> photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
>>photo.
>>
>>He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half,
>>but then
>> remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she
>>won't notice.
>>
>> A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It
>>says:
>> "Thank you for the picture. Change your Hairstyle.....it makes
>>your
>>nose look too short."
>>
>> Love, Grandma

[Phantom Blooper]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't
know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a
parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg
and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives
another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note,
which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

[Joseph P Carey]

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Joseph P Carey]

101 things not to say during sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Er... Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin, too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[Phantom Blooper]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.


She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."

[Phantom Blooper]

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a *****house dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?"

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam says, "Okay have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes."

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has to have active herpes."

The madam starts to sputter and asks why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes."

She responds, "Okay have a seat - it'll be about ten minutes." Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal.

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay why did you want someone with active herpes?"

The kid replies, "When I get home, I'm going to screw the baby sitter. And when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby sitter home and screw her on the way. And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and screw. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will screw him.

And he's the bastard that ran over my frog.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Texas woodpecker and a Louisiana woodpecker were arguing about which state had the hardest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree in Texas that no woodpecker could peck. The Louisiana woodpecker accepted the challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was in awe.

The Louisiana woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in Louisiana that was absolutely un-peck-able. The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Louisiana, the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Louisiana tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[Phantom Blooper]

Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen,a 3-year
-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.


The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.


The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his butt again.

:banana:

[Joseph P Carey]

The eyes of a child! I liked it!

[Osotogary]

Not that I want to get spanked but............... that doesn't sound like a bad idea. LMAO

[Ed Palmer]

Men often consider blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the
dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it's over is
to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But
now there is a great way to blow a woman off.
It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no
opportunity to throw things at you.

It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail!

That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they
are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how
you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.

And you can delete her response without ever reading it!

What could be more painless?

Following is an e-mail rejection letter.

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on
notice. The text of the letter follows:
---------------
Dear [her name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. [your last name].

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year
and dozens of other well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed
to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours,
please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from
the competition:
[Men will check those that apply]

[ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to
pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.
[ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
position.
[ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
[ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
[ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the
inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
[ ] My breasts are bigger than yours.
[ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
[ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously.
[ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into
the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and
inappropriate.
[ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely,
[Your name]

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a good looking woman would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram model from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me with some wet celery?!"

"No", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher."

[Nagalfar]

lol that was good..

[Ed Palmer]

A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill."

The cowboy asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies,"Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and ask,"Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."

[Phantom Blooper]

A young farm boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door. "Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"He went with Maw and Paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Phantom Blooper]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a
dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going
to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food
and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine
and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Joseph P Carey]

Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

[Ed Palmer]

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
>
> There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: > >
> 1. He called everyone brother .
> 2 . He liked Gospel.
> 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was Jewish:
>
> 1. He went into His Father's business.
> 2. He lived at home until he was 33.
> 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
> was sure He was God.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was Italian:
>
> 1. He talked with His hands.
> 2. He had wine with His meals.
> 3. He used olive oil.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was a Californian:
>
> 1. He never cut His hair.
> 2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
> 3. He started a new religion.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that &g!
> t;Jesus was an American Indian:
>
> 1. He was at peace with nature.
> 2. He ate a lot of fish.
> 3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
>
> But then there were 3 equally good arguments that
> Jesus was Irish:
>
> 1. He never got married.
> 2. He was always telling stories.
> 3. He loved green pastures.
>
> But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs
> that Jesus was a woman:
>
> 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was
> no food.
> 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch
> of men who just didn't get it.
> 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because
> there was work to do.
>

[Phantom Blooper]

Eve's Side Of The Story



After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful,
God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells,
the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is
these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking
them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc........
she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down,

removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once
again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite
creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see..........

where did I put that useless boob?"

[Joseph P Carey]

where did I put that useless boob?"

OUCH!!!

[Phantom Blooper]

Every once in a while Joe I post something like this to show that I am not that male chauvinist pig and "NASTY" male that I have been called. LOL!

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall

[Ed Palmer]

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take. Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States Of America".

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The Officer said, "Make a sentence using the words, Yellow, Pink and Green".

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ³Mr. Officer, I am ready".

The Officer said, "Go ahead".

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Verizon's help desk. I just talked to him yesterday.

[Joseph P Carey]

It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a diaphragm from this pumpkin, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin."

"Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.

The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.

The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12 o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you ok?" she said with a frantic voice.

"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely man.... Peter, Peter something or other."

[ringoffire]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so
I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her
new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?!"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look
like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who
I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[GySgtRet]

ringoffire,

I wish I could have been there to see the look on her face...!!!!

[Joseph P Carey]

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls."

To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"

[yellowwing]

American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood with big, stately residences, but with no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen with manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[ringoffire]

GySgtRet
Me too.

[Phantom Blooper]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."


The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[Ed Palmer]

Sex on Sunday



A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies! "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[DanBO]

Man and wife in heaven....

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."

St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[Ed Palmer]

Southern Bird
Down in Alabama, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.
So, Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the
highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take
flight.
He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout
the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful
aim.
BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail
silently over the tree tops.
I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

[Joseph P Carey]

Famous quotes:
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." - Ronald Reagan
"Commit the oldest sins, the newest kind of ways." - William Shakespeare
"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein
"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." - Marilyn Munroe
"Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the more expensive ones rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon
"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun." - Mao Tse Tung
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley
"My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else." - Woody Allen
"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy
"She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater." - Hedda Hopper
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin
"You're not a real manager unless you've been sacked." - Malcolm Allison

[Joseph P Carey]

Tom goes over to his friend, Jim's, house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Jim home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Tom says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Tom a nice long look.

Tom thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Jim and leaves.

A while later Jim arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Tom came over."

Jim thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Phantom Blooper]

One day, at a bus station in J'Ville, there was a bonde who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the blonde was, the Marine standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The blonde turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the Marine says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.
While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs."

"Really? Like what?" says the other.

"Over here, they eat dogs."

Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"

"Yeah, they sure do."

"Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."

After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.

"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you