Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

A traveller came down a hillside on his donkey, when the weather turned terrible and started to blizzard. Glimpsing a cottage in the near distance he struggled to the door. Upon knocking the door creaked open by an old man, "I'm sorry to bother you" says the traveller, "but the weather's turned awful, and I was wondering if I could crash down for the night?" "No problem" replied the old gent, "there's plenty of room on the floor." "But what about my donkey, he'll die out there." "Well I have got a barn out back, but the problem is that I keep a stallion and he's little bit randy.' 'Hold on, I know" said the old man, "we'll cover the donkey in a sheet and walk him to the barn with the lights off, the stallion won't know he's there." So taking the donkey out, they opened the barn doors, which as soon as they opened the stallion started to whinney and neigh excitedly. They tied the donkey to the hitch-post and went to bed. The next morning it was bright and clear and the traveller bade is farewell thanking the old man for is hospitality. Returning to the barn he found the doors kicked open and little donkey hoof-prints running up the hillside he'd come from. Swearing he followed the tracks and trudging back up the hill, he met another traveller coming down and asked "Excuse me you haven't seen a donkey running past with a sheet over it have you?" "No mate but I've seen one with a handkerchief hanging out of it's arse."

[Ed Palmer]

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Ed Palmer]

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
''I went to get a haircut,'' was the reply.

''But,'' said the pastor, ''why didn't you do that before the service?''

''Because,'' the gentleman said, ''I didn't need one then.''

[Ed Palmer]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[Ed Palmer]

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live". The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

[Ed Palmer]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a redominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now, why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Ed Palmer]

After a long session of making love the guy rolled over and reached for a cigarette but couldn't find his lighter, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There must be some matches in the top drawer" she replied. He opened the top draw and found a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of a man.
Naturally concerned he asked, "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly" she replied snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, not at all." she said nibbling his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the guy.

Calmly, the girl replied. "That's me before my operation."

[Ed Palmer]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "

[Ed Palmer]

The Magic Sandals
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Ed Palmer]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway- "Oh my Goodness - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I
can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches
us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a
gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out
of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the
street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the
middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the
others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his
arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small
group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged
closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied,
gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long
side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh
, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner
cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when
you run? " "Nope.........just when it's raining."

[Ed Palmer]

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and
it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts
on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and
is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most
gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say '123' for?

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

_________________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in! , and I told him midnight".


He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!


Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed Three times, then said, "Oh,****.", cuckooed 4 more times,cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

___________________________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.


"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."



__________________________________

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Gropes_of_Wrath.jpg

[bigalholmes165]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"



Cabbie: "I married his widow."

[Ed Palmer]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

[Ed Palmer]

Nick the Dragon Slayer
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession
to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts,
but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One
day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief
doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could
arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer
readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio
the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while
she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the
Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the King and Queen that only
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure
this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then
slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the
itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately
on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The
Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the
Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer
found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, shooed him away with no
payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician
slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills

[sm@@thrider]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase
that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
:) :banana: :)

[Phantom Blooper]

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard, a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"


:)

[cwmak]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs
desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on
bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Ed Palmer]

Now you know why they smell funny

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Iraqirunningwater.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

ahh thoese sneaky Navy Doctors

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

[Ed Palmer]

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/MEN.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"

[Ed Palmer]

A lawyer, a economist, and a Marine were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The Marine gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to **** on my hands."

[Ed Palmer]

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

[Ed Palmer]

Sex in the Dark
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?!"

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted. "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

[Ed Palmer]

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to **** really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,
"Would you mind sitting in for me while I ****?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."

[Ed Palmer]

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition. One day John walks over to the fence of Sam's yard and sees Sam's wife watering the garden naked. The next day he tells Sam about this. So Sam wants revenge. That night he catches John's wife performing oral sex on John. The next day Sam comes up to John and says, ''Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night.''
''Hah,'' John says, ''I wasn't home last night!''

[Ed Palmer]

The True Meaning of the Word 'Service!'

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service


And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[Ed Palmer]

Sex

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.

The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.

"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

[Ed Palmer]

Biker Bar

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

[Ed Palmer]

Premature Solution
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit me really hard where it counts most and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Ed Palmer]

Russian Condoms

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

[Ed Palmer]

Demon

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: No kidding!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

[Ed Palmer]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches everyday! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it"

"Why" he said.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said,

"That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too"

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God... It's too late for you... You've already got the neck and gizzard!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

[Ed Palmer]

An attractive young woman out grocery shopping wheels her cart up to the checkout line, only to realize that she's forgotten one item tampons. An attentive bagboy notices the woman's bemused expression and asks if there's a problem. "Oh, I just forgot to get something important," the woman replies.

The bagboy, eager to assist a pretty customer, politely offers to go and get for her whatever item she's forgotten. Quite embarrassed but in a hurry to leave, the young woman whispers to the bagboy that she needs a box of Tampax . "No problem," he says, "I’ll be right back!"

The young woman is relieved and appreciates the help, as she waits at the register with a line forming behind her. Meanwhile, the bagboy has misunderstood the woman's shyly whispered request, and is now searching for a box of thumbtacks. Eventually he finds the thumbtacks, but is confused by the different choices available. Imagine the young woman's reaction when the bagboy comes trotting back up to the register calling to her "Miss, do you want the kind that you push in, or the kind that you hammer in?"

[Ed Palmer]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "Bring in the camel!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town"

[Ed Palmer]

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

[Ed Palmer]

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!"

So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "we were banned from Safeway, too."

[Ed Palmer]

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

[Ed Palmer]

The boss calls four of his employees into the office and says, "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

[Ed Palmer]

Smart-assed lawyer A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........



A... Deputy says, "License and registration, please."




B... Lawyer says, "What for?"




C... Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.




D... Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."




E... Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."




F... Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"




G... Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"



H... Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."




I... Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir.



J... At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[sgt.r.n.davis]

NOW, ED THAT'S MY KIND OF JOKE. THAT WAS FUNNY. I'M GOING TO POST THAT ONE ON THE SQUAD BAY BULLETIN BOARD.

I GET THAT EXCUSE, A LOT. NOBODY COMING OR ITS LATE AT NIGHT OR EARLY MORNING. I ALWAYS SAY TO THEM, WELL WE CAN GO BACK TO THE STOP SIGN AND IF THE FINE PRINT AT THE BOTTOM READS BETWEEN THESE HOURS OF NOBODY COMING OR ANY OTHER LAMB EXCUSE THEY USE. I SAY I'LL LET YOU GO. WELL, MOST OF THE TIME THEY JUST SAY. "JUST GIVE ME THE CITATION".:D :marine:

[thedrifter]

Letterman's Top 10 things overheard at the Jackson Verdict
6/14/05


10. "A celebrity acquitted in L.A.? Stunning."
9. "Of course he's nervous -- look how pale he is"
8. "Oh finally, I can go back to my normal life of Ferris wheels, pet monkeys and sleeping in oxygen chambers"
7. "No, I think he'll do fine in prison"
6. "Are those tears of joy, or are his cheek implants leaking?"
5. "Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?"
4. "We the jury find the defendant creepy"
3. "Michael, good news -- I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico"
2. "I'm glad we live in a country where prison is reserved for dangerous outlaws like Martha Stewart"
1. "Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment"

[Joseph P Carey]

Michael Jackson acquitted! I guess this only proves that it pays to be a rich gay white man in a court of law. The law only applies to Blacks, and Hispanics, and other indigenous peoples, and the poor.

[Phantom Blooper]

Whoops!

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"

Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but, when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children?"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher walked right up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Marine General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream ofbuying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friendto visit for a week of pheasant-shooting.

The friend was in awe of General's dog "Sarge." The dog could point,
flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog.

The General declined, saying that "Sarge" was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all the dog would do was sit on his a$$ and bark."

__________________________

[Ed Palmer]

They walk among us

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local


township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing

sign on our road. The reason:


"too many deer were being hit by cars"

and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.


This one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ______________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


And he was a Kansas City chef!
__________________________________________________ ______________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to

cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of

mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it

signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,

"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer

in Wichita, KS

__________________________________________________ ______________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who

was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is

fun.

We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at

each other with that deer in the headlights look

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments

__________________________________________________ _____________________


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our

car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly

to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -

I already got that side

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ ______________________




and yet they walk among us ... and REPRODUCE

[Ed Palmer]

There have been an average of 160,000 troops in IRAQ during the last 22
months, which has a firearm death rate of *60* per *100,000*.

The rate in Washington D.C. is *80.6* per *100,000*.

That means that you are 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our
Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

*Conclusion*: We should immediately pull out of Washington, D.C.

[Ed Palmer]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking !" says Sister Catherine.

Sister Catherine opens the window and shouts, "Get the fxck off the car !"

[Ed Palmer]

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

[Ed Palmer]

Things You'd Love to Say But Don't

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shxt.


2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?

4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13) I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24) Do I look like a people person?

25) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!

27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.

31) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33) Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

35) How do I set a laser printer to stun?

36) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37) File that under "Never".

[Ed Palmer]

How to sell lawnmowers

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

[Ed Palmer]

Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!

2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without firstseeing who is behind me.

3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7) Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slipwithout comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

[Ed Palmer]

Job Candidate Has Annoying Facial Tic

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a box of aspirin?"

[Ed Palmer]

Real Life 'Dilbert-type' Managers

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

[Ed Palmer]

Mountain Bike

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

[Ed Palmer]

Executive Decision

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/ads.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/perfectcouple.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

this is for the modern day wingers out there




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/plane.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[Joseph P Carey]

Originally posted by Ed Palmer
Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

I think you just described Senator Durbin.

[Ed Palmer]

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

[Ed Palmer]

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[Ed Palmer]

One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar. One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."

[Ed Palmer]

Bear hunting
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear.

He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over.

He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. He's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Ed Palmer]

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"

"F*ck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.

"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Haiku
by David Burge

BEAUTY

Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE

A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS

Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability

MOTHER AND CHILD

Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves

BLAZE

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been mowing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE

Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order

DESIRE

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost fergit
That you're my cousin

HATRED

I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
******* Jeff Gordon

OFFERINGS

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton

DRAMA

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock

DEPRIVED

In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass

NO SIGNAL

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; the satellite dish
needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING

In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE

Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed

ENIGMA

Rusty Paradox
Half Camaro, half Trans-Am
Yet it does not run

MYTHOLOGY

In ancient legend
Once lived singing fish much like
Big Mouth Billy Bass

SEDUCTION

Impassioned lovers
Probing erotic limits
In Hardees drive thru

CHOICES

Jax, Falstaff, Lone Star?
I ponder cooler specials
Ahh, Pearl $1.99

WINTER DANCE

Whirling, spinning, free
S-10 skates playful circles
On parking lot ice

IT HAPPENED AT STOP 'N' GO

Burning agony
Dale got his rattail stuck in
Hot weenie roller

CONDITIONS

Mustang decal reads:
Attention! Ass, Grass or Gas
Nobody Rides Free

IMPRISONED HEARTS

Tammy excites Wayne
With edible panties at
Conjugal visit

SPARK OF GENIUS

Carl made backyard pool
From old pickup bedliner
Wisht I thought of that

CUCKOLDED

Her ultimatum:
You ain't spendin' my money
On no damn race car

[Ed Palmer]

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

[Ed Palmer]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the
retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one
accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a
new doctor.


At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach."


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if
that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."


"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that
at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy
she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that
helps."


As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"


"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and
when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."

[Sgted]

Gettin LeRoy

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy
strangled the gatorand let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum***** who pushed me in the pool."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/gay.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/db_hillary303.jpg

[Flip Fraser]

Subject: reduction
>
>
> A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
> vagina lips reduced in size because they
> were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the
> surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
>
>
> Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
> carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she
> immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell
> anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had
> carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from
> him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
>
> "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
> empathized
> because she had had the Same procedure done some time ago." And what about
> the third rose?" she asked.
>
>
>
> "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
> Thank you for his new ears.

[Ed Palmer]

Reuters News Service: At Heathrow airport today, an individual , later discovered to be a public school teacher from America, was arrested trying to board a flight in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphic calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra Movement. He was charged with carrying weapons of MATH INSTRUCTION!

[Ed Palmer]

A young couple invited their elderly Father over for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the grand pa asked their son what they would be having for dinner.

The little boy said, “ I think we are having Goat.”

The grand pa replied, “Goat? Are you sure about that?”

The boy said, “Yes grand pa. I heard Daddy say to Mommy that today is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

[Flip Fraser]

Pentagon Recalls Koran-Flushing Toilet
by Scott Ott


(2005-05-26) -- In response to appeals from consumer advocate Ralph Nader, the Pentagon today recalled thousands of military toilets because they may be powerful enough to flush a copy of the Koran.

"If that toilet generates enough force to take down a book of several hundred pages," said Mr. Nader, "then it poses a clear and present danger to prisoners at Guantanamo and to our troops worldwide."

Mr. Nader, who became famous in the late 1960s by declaring the Chevrolet Corvair 'unsafe at any speed', said, "I would rather drive a Corvair at top speed on figure-8 track than take my chances on this turbo-flush toilet. It's unsafe for any deed, and may constitute a violation of the Geneva Conventions."

In fact, U.S. troops around the world have privately complained of the dangers posed by the plumbing fixture they call an 'I.I.D.' -- Improvised Implosive Device.

"It's a swirling vortex of death," said one unnamed soldier. "The other day, I lost a grenade, my helmet and hardcover copy of 'War and Peace ' in one fell swoop."

The Pentagon statement praised U.S. troops for "their willingness to perform their duty in the face of such risk."

[Ed Palmer]

signs along the way

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE







Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC







If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC







Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO







No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC







At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ







It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ







Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT







If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.







If pro is opposite of con,then what is the


opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington, DC







Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ







You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.







No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA





and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~





A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

[Ed Palmer]

A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a

check.

She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and

tries

to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for

a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's

great......just great.....Some *******'s got my pen."

[Ed Palmer]

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you

think

is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She

simply

replied, ......"No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter

eggs.

[Ed Palmer]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the

very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98,"

she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the

undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth the time going home isn't it?"

[Ed Palmer]

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip

replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm

half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take

40

different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to

blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly

feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But

....thank God, I still have my driver's license!

[Ed Palmer]

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I

want my sex drive lowered." Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97.

Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're

damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it

lowered!"

[Ed Palmer]

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She

told

her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be

cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure

my daughters visit me twice a week."

[Ed Palmer]

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they
arrived, the two
fathers made a bet ------- in a year's time whichever family
had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I
had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuxck you, towel head."

[Ed Palmer]

Religious Truths
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian World.

.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[Ed Palmer]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

[muck]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She lo oked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device.. a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

[Phantom Blooper]

TWO OLD GUYS, ONE 80 AND ONE 87, WERE SITTING ON THEIR USUAL PARK
BENCH SEAT. ONE MORNING. THE 87 YEAR OLD HAD JUST FINISHED HIS MORNING JOG AND WASN'T EVEN SHORT OF BREATH.

THE 80 YEAR OLD WAS AMAZED AT HIS FRIEND'S STAMINA AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE DID TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.


THE 87 YEAR OLD SAID, "WELL, I EAT ITALIAN BREAD EVERY DAY. IT KEEPS YOUR ENERGY LEVEL HIGH AND YOU'LL HAVE GREAT STAMINA WITH THE LADIES."



SO, ON THE WAY HOME, THE 80 YEAR OLD STOPS IN AT THE BAKERY. AS HE WAS LOOKING AROUND, THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED IF HE NEEDED ANY HELP.

HE SAID, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ITALIAN BREAD?"

SHE SAID, "YES, THERE'S A WHOLE SHELF OF IT.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?"

HE SAID, " YES, I WANT 5 LOAVES."

SHE SAID, "MY GOODNESS, 5 LOAVES.

DON'T YOU THINK BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THE 5TH LOAF, IT'LL BE HARD?'


HE REPLIED, "HOLY $HIT, EVERBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS ITALIAN BREAD THING BUT ME!!"
________________________________

[Ed Palmer]

Doctor Visit




Is there anyone who hasn't suffered at the hands of a snotty doctor's
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other
patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You've got to love the
way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private.

"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded smugly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what's wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't pisx out of it," the man replied.

[Ed Palmer]

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell: ''I'm here for something I did not do!''
''So you are innocent? What did you do?''

''I did not run fast enough!''

[Ed Palmer]

Creative Scientific Theories Contest" sponsored several years ago by Omni magazine:



GRAND PRIZE WINNER:



When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.



RUNNERS-UP:



#1

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.



#2

Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.



#3

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.



#4

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.



HONORABLE MENTIONS:



The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."



Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

[Phantom Blooper]

Jim was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Jim kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Jim's time so Jim got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Jim could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Jim's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Jim noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

Jim went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT to Jim's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Jim was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet-Surprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.

[Ed Palmer]

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After a few drinks the woman says to the man, ''If we went out for a meal, where would you take me?'
He replied, ''Chinese.''
She asked,'' What would you order?''
He replied, ''Moo Goo Gai Pan.''
She asked, '' If we went out for a full night of dining, dancing and carousing, what would you wear?''
He replied, ''Depends....''
She asked, ''Depends on what?''
He replied, ''Just DEPENDS....''

[thedrifter]

A Few Random Steven Wright Jokes

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

[Ed Palmer]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Ed Palmer]

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't ha