Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

A traveller came down a hillside on his donkey, when the weather turned terrible and started to blizzard. Glimpsing a cottage in the near distance he struggled to the door. Upon knocking the door creaked open by an old man, "I'm sorry to bother you" says the traveller, "but the weather's turned awful, and I was wondering if I could crash down for the night?" "No problem" replied the old gent, "there's plenty of room on the floor." "But what about my donkey, he'll die out there." "Well I have got a barn out back, but the problem is that I keep a stallion and he's little bit randy.' 'Hold on, I know" said the old man, "we'll cover the donkey in a sheet and walk him to the barn with the lights off, the stallion won't know he's there." So taking the donkey out, they opened the barn doors, which as soon as they opened the stallion started to whinney and neigh excitedly. They tied the donkey to the hitch-post and went to bed. The next morning it was bright and clear and the traveller bade is farewell thanking the old man for is hospitality. Returning to the barn he found the doors kicked open and little donkey hoof-prints running up the hillside he'd come from. Swearing he followed the tracks and trudging back up the hill, he met another traveller coming down and asked "Excuse me you haven't seen a donkey running past with a sheet over it have you?" "No mate but I've seen one with a handkerchief hanging out of it's arse."

[Ed Palmer]

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[Ed Palmer]

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
''I went to get a haircut,'' was the reply.

''But,'' said the pastor, ''why didn't you do that before the service?''

''Because,'' the gentleman said, ''I didn't need one then.''

[Ed Palmer]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[Ed Palmer]

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live". The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

[Ed Palmer]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a redominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now, why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[Ed Palmer]

After a long session of making love the guy rolled over and reached for a cigarette but couldn't find his lighter, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There must be some matches in the top drawer" she replied. He opened the top draw and found a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of a man.
Naturally concerned he asked, "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly" she replied snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, not at all." she said nibbling his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the guy.

Calmly, the girl replied. "That's me before my operation."

[Ed Palmer]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, YOU, nine, ten, eleven . . . "

[Ed Palmer]

The Magic Sandals
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Ed Palmer]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway- "Oh my Goodness - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I
can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches
us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a
gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out
of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the
street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the
middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the
others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his
arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small
group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged
closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied,
gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long
side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh
, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner
cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when
you run? " "Nope.........just when it's raining."

[Ed Palmer]

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to
work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and
it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts
on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and
is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most
gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say '123' for?

[Phantom Blooper]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

_________________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in! , and I told him midnight".


He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!


Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed Three times, then said, "Oh,****.", cuckooed 4 more times,cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

___________________________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.


"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."



__________________________________

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Gropes_of_Wrath.jpg

[BigAlHolmes165]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"



Cabbie: "I married his widow."

[Ed Palmer]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

Yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

[Ed Palmer]

Nick the Dragon Slayer
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession
to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts,
but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One
day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief
doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could
arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer
readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio
the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while
she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the
Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the King and Queen that only
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure
this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then
slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the
itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately
on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The
Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the
Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer
found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, shooed him away with no
payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician
slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills

[sm@@thrider]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase
that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."
:) :banana: :)

[Phantom Blooper]

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard, a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"


:)

[cwmak]

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs
desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on
bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked,
sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Ed Palmer]

Now you know why they smell funny

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Iraqirunningwater.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

ahh thoese sneaky Navy Doctors

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

[Ed Palmer]

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/MEN.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"

[Ed Palmer]

A lawyer, a economist, and a Marine were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The Marine gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to **** on my hands."

[Ed Palmer]

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

[Ed Palmer]

Sex in the Dark
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?!"

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted. "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

[Ed Palmer]

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to **** really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,
"Would you mind sitting in for me while I ****?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."

[Ed Palmer]

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition. One day John walks over to the fence of Sam's yard and sees Sam's wife watering the garden naked. The next day he tells Sam about this. So Sam wants revenge. That night he catches John's wife performing oral sex on John. The next day Sam comes up to John and says, ''Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night.''
''Hah,'' John says, ''I wasn't home last night!''

[Ed Palmer]

The True Meaning of the Word 'Service!'

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service


And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[Ed Palmer]

Sex

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex.

The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.

"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

[Ed Palmer]

Biker Bar

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

[Ed Palmer]

Premature Solution
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit me really hard where it counts most and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Ed Palmer]

Russian Condoms

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

[Ed Palmer]

Demon

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: No kidding!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.

[Ed Palmer]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches everyday! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it"

"Why" he said.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt, he looked and said,

"That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too"

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God... It's too late for you... You've already got the neck and gizzard!"

[Ed Palmer]

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

[Ed Palmer]

An attractive young woman out grocery shopping wheels her cart up to the checkout line, only to realize that she's forgotten one item tampons. An attentive bagboy notices the woman's bemused expression and asks if there's a problem. "Oh, I just forgot to get something important," the woman replies.

The bagboy, eager to assist a pretty customer, politely offers to go and get for her whatever item she's forgotten. Quite embarrassed but in a hurry to leave, the young woman whispers to the bagboy that she needs a box of Tampax . "No problem," he says, "I’ll be right back!"

The young woman is relieved and appreciates the help, as she waits at the register with a line forming behind her. Meanwhile, the bagboy has misunderstood the woman's shyly whispered request, and is now searching for a box of thumbtacks. Eventually he finds the thumbtacks, but is confused by the different choices available. Imagine the young woman's reaction when the bagboy comes trotting back up to the register calling to her "Miss, do you want the kind that you push in, or the kind that you hammer in?"

[Ed Palmer]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "Bring in the camel!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town"

[Ed Palmer]

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

[Ed Palmer]

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!"

So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question.

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "we were banned from Safeway, too."

[Ed Palmer]

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

[Ed Palmer]

The boss calls four of his employees into the office and says, "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

[Ed Palmer]

Smart-assed lawyer A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........



A... Deputy says, "License and registration, please."




B... Lawyer says, "What for?"




C... Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.




D... Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."




E... Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."




F... Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"




G... Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"



H... Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."




I... Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir.



J... At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[sgt.r.n.davis]

NOW, ED THAT'S MY KIND OF JOKE. THAT WAS FUNNY. I'M GOING TO POST THAT ONE ON THE SQUAD BAY BULLETIN BOARD.

I GET THAT EXCUSE, A LOT. NOBODY COMING OR ITS LATE AT NIGHT OR EARLY MORNING. I ALWAYS SAY TO THEM, WELL WE CAN GO BACK TO THE STOP SIGN AND IF THE FINE PRINT AT THE BOTTOM READS BETWEEN THESE HOURS OF NOBODY COMING OR ANY OTHER LAMB EXCUSE THEY USE. I SAY I'LL LET YOU GO. WELL, MOST OF THE TIME THEY JUST SAY. "JUST GIVE ME THE CITATION".:D :marine:

[thedrifter]

Letterman's Top 10 things overheard at the Jackson Verdict
6/14/05


10. "A celebrity acquitted in L.A.? Stunning."
9. "Of course he's nervous -- look how pale he is"
8. "Oh finally, I can go back to my normal life of Ferris wheels, pet monkeys and sleeping in oxygen chambers"
7. "No, I think he'll do fine in prison"
6. "Are those tears of joy, or are his cheek implants leaking?"
5. "Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?"
4. "We the jury find the defendant creepy"
3. "Michael, good news -- I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico"
2. "I'm glad we live in a country where prison is reserved for dangerous outlaws like Martha Stewart"
1. "Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment"

[Joseph P Carey]

Michael Jackson acquitted! I guess this only proves that it pays to be a rich gay white man in a court of law. The law only applies to Blacks, and Hispanics, and other indigenous peoples, and the poor.

[Phantom Blooper]

Whoops!

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"

Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but, when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children?"

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher walked right up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[Phantom Blooper]

A Marine General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream ofbuying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friendto visit for a week of pheasant-shooting.

The friend was in awe of General's dog "Sarge." The dog could point,
flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog.

The General declined, saying that "Sarge" was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog.

"What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all the dog would do was sit on his a$$ and bark."

__________________________

[Ed Palmer]

They walk among us

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local


township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing

sign on our road. The reason:


"too many deer were being hit by cars"

and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.


This one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ______________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


And he was a Kansas City chef!
__________________________________________________ ______________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to

cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of

mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it

signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,

"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer

in Wichita, KS

__________________________________________________ ______________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who

was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is

fun.

We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at

each other with that deer in the headlights look

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments

__________________________________________________ _____________________


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our

car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly

to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -

I already got that side

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ ______________________




and yet they walk among us ... and REPRODUCE

[Ed Palmer]

There have been an average of 160,000 troops in IRAQ during the last 22
months, which has a firearm death rate of *60* per *100,000*.

The rate in Washington D.C. is *80.6* per *100,000*.

That means that you are 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our
Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

*Conclusion*: We should immediately pull out of Washington, D.C.

[Ed Palmer]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking !" says Sister Catherine.

Sister Catherine opens the window and shouts, "Get the fxck off the car !"

[Ed Palmer]

A 55-year old man, who was born on May 5th, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phonecall from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.55 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

[Ed Palmer]

Things You'd Love to Say But Don't

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shxt.


2) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3) How about never? Is never good for you?

4) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13) I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24) Do I look like a people person?

25) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!

27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.

31) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33) Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

35) How do I set a laser printer to stun?

36) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37) File that under "Never".

[Ed Palmer]

How to sell lawnmowers

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

[Ed Palmer]

Drawbacks of Working in a Cubicle

1) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!

2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without firstseeing who is behind me.

3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7) Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slipwithout comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

[Ed Palmer]

Job Candidate Has Annoying Facial Tic

The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multi-colored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the 'wink' went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mound of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer."

"No fear. I'm a happily married man."

So how do you account for the contents of you pockets?"

It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a box of aspirin?"

[Ed Palmer]

Real Life 'Dilbert-type' Managers

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

[Ed Palmer]

Mountain Bike

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

[Ed Palmer]

Executive Decision

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/ads.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/perfectcouple.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

this is for the modern day wingers out there




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/plane.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[Joseph P Carey]

Originally posted by Ed Palmer
Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

I think you just described Senator Durbin.

[Ed Palmer]

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

[Ed Palmer]

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[Ed Palmer]

One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar. One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."

[Ed Palmer]

Bear hunting
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear.

He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over.

He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. He's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Ed Palmer]

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.
The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"

"F*ck the kids!" said the minister, heading out.

"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Haiku
by David Burge

BEAUTY

Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE

A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS

Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability

MOTHER AND CHILD

Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves

BLAZE

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been mowing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE

Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order

DESIRE

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost fergit
That you're my cousin

HATRED

I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
******* Jeff Gordon

OFFERINGS

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton

DRAMA

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock

DEPRIVED

In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass

NO SIGNAL

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; the satellite dish
needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING

In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE

Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed

ENIGMA

Rusty Paradox
Half Camaro, half Trans-Am
Yet it does not run

MYTHOLOGY

In ancient legend
Once lived singing fish much like
Big Mouth Billy Bass

SEDUCTION

Impassioned lovers
Probing erotic limits
In Hardees drive thru

CHOICES

Jax, Falstaff, Lone Star?
I ponder cooler specials
Ahh, Pearl $1.99

WINTER DANCE

Whirling, spinning, free
S-10 skates playful circles
On parking lot ice

IT HAPPENED AT STOP 'N' GO

Burning agony
Dale got his rattail stuck in
Hot weenie roller

CONDITIONS

Mustang decal reads:
Attention! Ass, Grass or Gas
Nobody Rides Free

IMPRISONED HEARTS

Tammy excites Wayne
With edible panties at
Conjugal visit

SPARK OF GENIUS

Carl made backyard pool
From old pickup bedliner
Wisht I thought of that

CUCKOLDED

Her ultimatum:
You ain't spendin' my money
On no damn race car

[Ed Palmer]

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

[Ed Palmer]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the
retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one
accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a
new doctor.


At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach."


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if
that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."


"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that
at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy
she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that
helps."


As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"


"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and
when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."

[Sgted]

Gettin LeRoy

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy
strangled the gatorand let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum***** who pushed me in the pool."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/gay.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/db_hillary303.jpg

[Flip Fraser]

Subject: reduction
>
>
> A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her
> vagina lips reduced in size because they
> were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the
> surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
>
>
> Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
> carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she
> immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell
> anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had
> carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from
> him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
>
> "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
> empathized
> because she had had the Same procedure done some time ago." And what about
> the third rose?" she asked.
>
>
>
> "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
> Thank you for his new ears.

[Ed Palmer]

Reuters News Service: At Heathrow airport today, an individual , later discovered to be a public school teacher from America, was arrested trying to board a flight in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphic calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra Movement. He was charged with carrying weapons of MATH INSTRUCTION!

[Ed Palmer]

A young couple invited their elderly Father over for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the grand pa asked their son what they would be having for dinner.

The little boy said, “ I think we are having Goat.”

The grand pa replied, “Goat? Are you sure about that?”

The boy said, “Yes grand pa. I heard Daddy say to Mommy that today is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

[Flip Fraser]

Pentagon Recalls Koran-Flushing Toilet
by Scott Ott


(2005-05-26) -- In response to appeals from consumer advocate Ralph Nader, the Pentagon today recalled thousands of military toilets because they may be powerful enough to flush a copy of the Koran.

"If that toilet generates enough force to take down a book of several hundred pages," said Mr. Nader, "then it poses a clear and present danger to prisoners at Guantanamo and to our troops worldwide."

Mr. Nader, who became famous in the late 1960s by declaring the Chevrolet Corvair 'unsafe at any speed', said, "I would rather drive a Corvair at top speed on figure-8 track than take my chances on this turbo-flush toilet. It's unsafe for any deed, and may constitute a violation of the Geneva Conventions."

In fact, U.S. troops around the world have privately complained of the dangers posed by the plumbing fixture they call an 'I.I.D.' -- Improvised Implosive Device.

"It's a swirling vortex of death," said one unnamed soldier. "The other day, I lost a grenade, my helmet and hardcover copy of 'War and Peace ' in one fell swoop."

The Pentagon statement praised U.S. troops for "their willingness to perform their duty in the face of such risk."

[Ed Palmer]

signs along the way

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE







Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC







If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC







Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO







No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her ****.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC







At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ







It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ







Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT







If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.







If pro is opposite of con,then what is the


opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington, DC







Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ







You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.







No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA





and my favorite, and most realistic one ~~~





A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

[Ed Palmer]

A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a

check.

She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and

tries

to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for

a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's

great......just great.....Some *******'s got my pen."

[Ed Palmer]

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you

think

is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She

simply

replied, ......"No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter

eggs.

[Ed Palmer]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the

very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98,"

she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the

undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth the time going home isn't it?"

[Ed Palmer]

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries. A hip

replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm

half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take

40

different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to

blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly

feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But

....thank God, I still have my driver's license!

[Ed Palmer]

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I

want my sex drive lowered." Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97.

Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're

damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it

lowered!"

[Ed Palmer]

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She

told

her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be

cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure

my daughters visit me twice a week."

[Ed Palmer]

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they
arrived, the two
fathers made a bet ------- in a year's time whichever family
had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I
had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuxck you, towel head."

[Ed Palmer]

Religious Truths
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian World.

.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

[Ed Palmer]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

[muck]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She lo oked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device.. a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm

[Phantom Blooper]

TWO OLD GUYS, ONE 80 AND ONE 87, WERE SITTING ON THEIR USUAL PARK
BENCH SEAT. ONE MORNING. THE 87 YEAR OLD HAD JUST FINISHED HIS MORNING JOG AND WASN'T EVEN SHORT OF BREATH.

THE 80 YEAR OLD WAS AMAZED AT HIS FRIEND'S STAMINA AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE DID TO HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY.


THE 87 YEAR OLD SAID, "WELL, I EAT ITALIAN BREAD EVERY DAY. IT KEEPS YOUR ENERGY LEVEL HIGH AND YOU'LL HAVE GREAT STAMINA WITH THE LADIES."



SO, ON THE WAY HOME, THE 80 YEAR OLD STOPS IN AT THE BAKERY. AS HE WAS LOOKING AROUND, THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED IF HE NEEDED ANY HELP.

HE SAID, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ITALIAN BREAD?"

SHE SAID, "YES, THERE'S A WHOLE SHELF OF IT.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?"

HE SAID, " YES, I WANT 5 LOAVES."

SHE SAID, "MY GOODNESS, 5 LOAVES.

DON'T YOU THINK BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THE 5TH LOAF, IT'LL BE HARD?'


HE REPLIED, "HOLY $HIT, EVERBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT THIS ITALIAN BREAD THING BUT ME!!"
________________________________

[Ed Palmer]

Doctor Visit




Is there anyone who hasn't suffered at the hands of a snotty doctor's
receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other
patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You've got to love the
way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private.

"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded smugly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what's wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't pisx out of it," the man replied.

[Ed Palmer]

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell: ''I'm here for something I did not do!''
''So you are innocent? What did you do?''

''I did not run fast enough!''

[Ed Palmer]

Creative Scientific Theories Contest" sponsored several years ago by Omni magazine:



GRAND PRIZE WINNER:



When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. And when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.



RUNNERS-UP:



#1

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.



#2

Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.



#3

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.



#4

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.



HONORABLE MENTIONS:



The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."



Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

[Phantom Blooper]

Jim was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Jim kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Jim's time so Jim got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Jim could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Jim's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Jim noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

Jim went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT to Jim's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Jim was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet-Surprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.

[Ed Palmer]

Two old people hit it off at a singles bar. After a few drinks the woman says to the man, ''If we went out for a meal, where would you take me?'
He replied, ''Chinese.''
She asked,'' What would you order?''
He replied, ''Moo Goo Gai Pan.''
She asked, '' If we went out for a full night of dining, dancing and carousing, what would you wear?''
He replied, ''Depends....''
She asked, ''Depends on what?''
He replied, ''Just DEPENDS....''

[thedrifter]

A Few Random Steven Wright Jokes

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

[Ed Palmer]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Ed Palmer]

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear

[Phantom Blooper]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun
anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid
flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.


The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked
through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon
heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked
lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What
happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried
Arrangement."

[thedrifter]

FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...

California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.

The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.

California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"

California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.

California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.

The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"

More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.

The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.

Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.

Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.

California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.

The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"

The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.

MMMM... braaaaaaainsssss...

California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.

Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.

You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.

San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.

Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.

Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".

Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".

California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.

Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"

California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.

Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.

California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.

California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.

In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.

The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.

Pauley Shore is still waiting.

Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".

That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!

[Ed Palmer]

Sung to the music of dixie
"Working Where The Sun Don't Shine"
(The Colorectal Surgeon's Song)



We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine.
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave.

When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks.
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey it's nice to meet you
But do you mind if we don't shake hands."

He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

[Ed Palmer]

What Is Worse Then Finding A Finger In your Chili At Wendy's?

Finding A hand in your pants at the Neverland Ranch!!!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

This was written by a black guy in Texas with a great sense of humor..
>
> When I born, I black,
>
> when I grow up, I black
>
> when I go in sun, I black,
>
> when I cold, I black,
>
> when I scared, I black,
>
> when I sick, I black,
>
> and when I die, I still black.
>
> You white folks...
>
> when you born, you pink,
>
> when you grow up, you white
>
> when you go in sun, you red,
>
> when you cold, you blue,
>
> when you scared, you yellow
>
> when you sick, you green,
>
> when you bruised, you purple
>
> and when you die, you gray.
>
> So who you callin' colored folk's ?

[Ed Palmer]

Idiot of the Day Notebook

Man arrested in women's outhouse tank
ALBANY — A 45-year-old Gardiner, Maine, man was arrested Sunday on criminal trespass charges after a teenage girl found him staring at her from below an outhouse seat, police said.

Police pulled Gary Moody from the waste tank under a log cabin outhouse off the Kancamagus Highway at about 12:30 p.m. Sunday.

"We had to decontaminate him," said Capt. Jon Hebert of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department, adding that firefighters hosed the man down before police handcuffed him.

"We treated him as if he were hazardous material," Hebert said.

Moody, 45, of Nash Road in Gardiner, was arrested Sunday in the area of the Lower Falls off the Kancamagus Highway in the White Mountain National Forest, a popular swimming hole. He was charged with criminal trespass. Police said he may face additional charges.

Carroll County Sheriff's Department investigating officer Jon Hebert could not be reached immediately yesterday for comment.

Moody is free on $250 personal recognizance bail and is scheduled to answer the criminal trespass charge at 8:30 a.m. on July 19 in the District Court of Northern Carroll County.

According to papers on file at the court, Moody has owned the Winsor Convenience Store in Winsor, Maine, for the past four years and has a previous drunk driving conviction.

[thedrifter]

TOP 20 SIGNS YOU'RE FROM DELAWARE COUNTY (PA)
Someone who apparently knows Delco


1. You've done extensive landscaping work during the summers.

2. You get annoyed when the snobs you work with in the King of Prussia area have no idea what a "twin home" or a "student loan" is.

3. It took you 5+ years to graduate from a state school (chances are you attended a satellite campus with the word DELCO in the title for the first two years).

4. You believe "bar crawls" a.k.a., a "Pike Hike" is something that is normal when you're well past your early twenties.

5. You constantly complain about going to the same bars and seeing the same people, yet when you venture somewhere "outside your realm", you huddle in the corner with your friends and talk about how everyone in this place is a tool/geek/spaz/etc.

6. You have a DUI.

7. Your father has mutliple DUI's.

8. Your source of "world news" is the DELCO TIMES....yes, that's right, the paper that had a snapshot from the Marple Newtown / Ridley field hockey game on the front cover the day after the Tsunami hit.

9. You know what a "day load" is....and better yet...... you know how to put one on and make it until 2 a.m.

10. You're sick and tired of explaining to people that you're not too old for Sea Isle. Don't apologize for the fact that you have no desire to go to Avalon and Stone Harbor and begin drinking at a "reasonable hour." I'll see you at the "No Shower" happy hour or catch you on the next Erin Express. If you don't what either of those are, you shouldn't be reading this list .

11. Not only does the following sentence make sense to you, it describes your favorite day of the year: "Today I'm taking the trolley from the Trophy Tavern down to the El to go to the parade." Say that sentence to one of those Episcopal/St. Joe's Prep/Malvern grads you work with and get ready for the most confused look you've ever seen.

12. You're a bartender (or you may be a 26 yr. old barBACK waiting for your "big break")

13. You have shared a bedroom at your parent's house with a sibling at a weird age (we'll ballpark this at 16 and above. very weird.)

14. You can't accept the fact that it's not normal to go out drinking hard on weeknights past the age of 22. If you don't believe me on this one, go to Maggie O'Neill's on any random Sunday night. Even though Monday is considered the busiest day of the week for normal people, this place looks like a god damn Mardi Gras.

15. The ratio of bars to bookstores in you neighborhood is 47:1.....not quite Bryn Mawr, huh?

16. You don't spend Thankgiving day with your family, but rather start drinking in the morning on your way to see your grade school football team play. Congratulations, you're not only an alcoholic, but your glory days go back to grade school. Even Springsteen wouldn't sing about this pathetic display.

17. You walked to high school. Tell this to the same person you talked to about reason #1 and watch their eyes cross as they squeeze the keys to their Saab.

18. You have no idea what's at the end of the Blue Route (does it even end?)

19. While some refer to traveling as "backpacking through Europe", your idea is more along the lines of going to Cancun about a decade to late when you're 27 and hanging onto your youth by the skin of your teeth.

20. When describing someone else from Delco, you say their name, state that you know them, say they're a good guy/girl, and then say their high school or the parish they're from. example, "yeah, John Doe, he's a good guy, Bonner/St. Bernie's guy, coaches football for (fill in Delco school here) and bartends at (fill in Delco bar here).

[Ed Palmer]

NO BULL
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits
they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen
and
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times
last
year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"He
mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a
healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could
learn a
lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it h! ad a sign
attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife,
so
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with
the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery

[muck]

A minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis, Tenn.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Marine asked for a scotch and soda, which was brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen *****s
than let liquor touch my lips."

With that the Marine handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."


During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor
and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had
treated recently.

"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with
a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that
big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it
were."

"Ahh, you English, always thinking about size" replied the
Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"

[thedrifter]

Club Gitmo T-Shirt Ticks Off A Starbucks Lib

RUSH: Bill in Cleveland, I'm glad you called and welcome to the program, sir.

CALLER: Hi, Rush.

RUSH: Yes.

CALLER: Honor to talk to you.

RUSH: Thank you, sir.

CALLER: Yeah, I got two of your Club G'itmo T-shirts yesterday and promptly wore them out of the house and about four hours later I was coming out of a Starbucks when I was assailed by an enraged liberal.

RUSH: What happened?

CALLER: He kind of lingered around after he got his beverage outside the store. When I came out, he came up to me and was glaring and said that Guantanamo Bay is a concentration camp.

RUSH: (Laughing.)

CALLER: He was wearing a yarmulke so he was obviously Jewish, and my mother is Jewish, too. I looked at him and I said, "I can't believe you would even say that, comparing air-conditioning, special diet, prayer materials, and five times a day to pray, to what happened in the concentration camps."

RUSH: What did he say to that?

CALLER: He had nothing to say to that. And I looked at him, I said, "You know, what I can't understand is the three icons of the liberal party are FDR, JFK, and Clinton, and FDR put tens of thousands of American citizens in internment camps and nobody says anything about that."

RUSH: Yeah.

CALLER: And he still couldn't say anything. It was hilarious. These things are definitely going to stir up some ire.

RUSH: Well, I'm glad that you had the courage to face this guy... at a Starbucks! But see, you've got the courage to face the guy with facts. I've never been to Starbucks. Do liberals go to Starbucks or does everybody go to Starbucks? (asking staff) Okay, everybody goes, so you can find liberals since everybody goes there. So maybe this is a good place to go once you get your Club G'itmo T-shirts, go to a Starbucks. What does your Club G'itmo T-shirt say, Bill?

CALLER: The one I was wearing yesterday was, "Your tropical retreat from the stress of jihad."

RUSH: (Laughing.)

CALLER: He could not deal with it, and then, "I listen to Rush Limbaugh." I had the facts at my fingertips. When I hit him up with that he was just stunned. He couldn't say anything, just shook his head and walked away.

RUSH: Oh, oh, oh, that must have done it when you told him you listened to me. Did this informed and erudite liberal have any idea where the Club G'itmo T-shirt came from?

CALLER: Of course, it says www.RushLimbaugh.com on the back.

RUSH: Well, I know, but did he see that?

CALLER: Yes, he did.

RUSH: He saw that before he reacted.

CALLER: Right before he confronted me.

RUSH: Bill… (Laughing.)

CALLER: These are going to be fun. I've already ordered my third shirt and a hat and a coffee mug. In fact, I'll be drinking my Starbucks out of the coffee mug as soon as it arrives.

RUSH: Yes, I was going to suggest that! (Laughing) Take the Jihad Java coffee mug into Starbucks with your Club G'itmo T-shirt. All right, Bill, thanks much. Bill, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I want you to hang on. I'm going to send you the fourth -- whatever shirt you wanted, you say you just ordered your third one, did you say?

CALLER: I'm going to.

RUSH: Okay, well, hang on. Don't do it, and we'll send you one. I'm going to send you one as a gift.

CALLER: Thank you.

RUSH: Do you have a coffee mug yet or not?

CALLER: I ordered that, yeah.

RUSH: Okay. All right. Well, I'll send you another one of those in case some liberal breaks it in Starbucks, so you can have a backup. So hang on here, we'll get all your information necessary to get the T-shirt. You pick the one you want, the size, and the Jihad Java mug will also be on its way to you. That's Bill in Cleveland with our first reported encounter of a Club G'itmo T-shirt in Cleveland at Starbucks with a liberal.


:banana:

[Ed Palmer]

A Marine squad was marching north of Bagdad when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[Ed Palmer]

Butthole of the world
The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

[Ed Palmer]

Country Music
A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

[Ed Palmer]

Getting It Down Under
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[Ed Palmer]

Friendly Dogs
Little Mary was out with her grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs having sex on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

"How do you mean?" asked the grandmother.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "and they screw you every time!"

[Ed Palmer]

Be Nice to Your Nurse
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

[Ed Palmer]

In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting.

Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.

"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."

[Ed Palmer]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Ed Palmer]

Peeing Wine
While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke. "I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.

"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."

"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.

"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.

"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

[Ed Palmer]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

[Ed Palmer]

Port Or Sherry?
A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.

Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.

"Oh, sherry by all means!" she replied. "Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I'm carried into another world."

"Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."

[Ed Palmer]

The Shaving Ball
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Ed Palmer]

Scientist Vs. God
A scientist approached God and said, "Listen, we've decided we no longer need you. Nowadays, we can clone people, transplant hearts and do all kinds of things that were once considered miraculous."

God patiently heard him out, and then said, "All right. To see whether or not you still need me, why don't we have a man-making contest?" "Okay, great!" the scientist said.

"Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam," God said. "That's fine," replied the scientist, and bent to scoop up a handful of dirt.

"Whoa!" God said, shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast, pal. You go get your own dirt!"

[Ed Palmer]

A Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[Ed Palmer]

Ship To Europe
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Ed Palmer]

Now this is one funny Video! This girl is getting out of the shower when she hears the sound of her private toy coming from the kitchen

I think their Polish

http://www.guzer.com/videos/kitchen_appliance.php

[Ed Palmer]

Stupid People Awards
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

(cont)

[Ed Palmer]

(cont)
NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

[Ed Palmer]

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

[Ed Palmer]

Very Homesick
A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick.

Finally, he decides to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel.

He walks up to the madam and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."

The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob."

"No, no," says the man, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

[Ed Palmer]

Angels Singing
The local preacher came calling on Mrs. Paul, "I haven't seen you at church lately, so I thought I would stop and see if everything was alright."

"Oh, everything is just fine, Reverend. Sunday is the only day my husband has off. He likes me to stay home so that he can put his head on my chest and hear the angels sing." she says.

"Are you kidding me?" the preacher asks.

"Why don't you try it and see."

So he puts his head on her chest and replies, "I don't hear the angels singing."

"But Reverend," she says, giggling, "Of course you can't. You aren't plugged in yet!"

[Ed Palmer]

Work Or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it!"

[Ed Palmer]

What A Party
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Ivonne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys..... ....one at a time."

[Ed Palmer]

Bet Your Wife
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.

The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"

After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.

He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.

The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"

The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."

The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"

If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

[Ed Palmer]

Any Batteries?
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.

"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

[Ed Palmer]

Pass The Mayo
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

[Ed Palmer]

Do you have Viagra
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Absolutely," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[Ed Palmer]

Thinking Ahead
A man walks up to a woman sitting alone at a bar. Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner. I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life, that is truly incredible. Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together.

Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids. Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going. What do ya say

[Ed Palmer]

Are They Real?
A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

[Ed Palmer]

Latest News from the war front

France and Germany have gotten together and decided to help with the war in Iraq by donating some of their most up to date Equipment
it is similar to the Halftrack vehicles that the Germans used in WW 2
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/6pz5p0.jpg

[thedrifter]

The 10 Commandments of July 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
• Light not thy fireworks in fields of dry brush, nor in thy dwelling-place, nor in thy vehicle.

• Put not thy sparkler in thy eye, nor in the eye of thy neighbor.

• Put not fireworks in the hands of babes.

• Discharge not thy firearms in celebratory glee.

• Put not charcoal briquettes in thy gas grill.

• Drive, and drink not. Drink, and drive not.

• Park not in forbidden zones at parades and fireworks shows.

• Wear not immodest clothes if thine flesh be unsightly.

• Leave not thy potato salad in the sun.

• Put not ketchup on thy frankfurter.

— Beacon News staff

[yellowwing]

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Canadian,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexicans.....
That, my friends, is Globalization

[Ed Palmer]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

[Ed Palmer]

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[Joseph P Carey]

Albert and Ann were celebrating their 50th year of marriage, when it was noticed that Albert was looking out a window of the old Brown stone with a tear in his eye.

One of his long time friends went to him, and he asked what was wrong?

"I was just thinking." He said. "It was 50 years ago today that I married Ann! Do you know that I was going to shoot her on our wedding night, because I found that I made a horrible mistake in marrying her?"

He sobbed a little, and he said, "Yes, it is true! I was going to kill her! I had the pistol out, and I aimed it at her as she slept!"

His friend asked, "Why? Why would you even think like that?"

Another sob, and he turned to his friend and said, "The reasons are not so important now! The thing is, as I aimed the gun at her head, I thought of what would happen to me if I killed her. I would be sent to prison for 20 years, and I stopped, and I put down the gun!" With this the man started to cry openly.

The Old Friend did all he could do to consol the lifelong friend, and he said, "Don't worry about such things. We all think about doing that to our wife from time to time!"

Albert looked at him with tears welling in his eyes, and he sobbed, "You do not understand! Had I killed her, and had I gone to jail for twenty years, by now, I would have been a free man for the last thirty years!"

[Ed Palmer]

NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

[Ed Palmer]

Breaking news...



I double checked this on SNOPES.COM and it's real!





RAPIST FLEES WITH VICTIM'S VEHICLE




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_image001.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

London upset Paris today and was named to host the 2012 summer Olympics. So it was the English over the French. So basically the toothless beat the spineless.

[Ed Palmer]

During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her students good
manners to follow while on a dinner date. "Michael," she asks one of the
students, "if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


"Just a minute," replies Michael, "I have to go p*ss."


"That would be rude and impolite!" exclaimed the teacher. "What about you,
John, how would you say it?"


"I'm sorry," answered John, "but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."


"That's better," said the teacher, nodding, "but it's still not very nice
to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Peter, are you able to
use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" she asked.


Peter smiled and responded, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom
I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"


The teacher fainted.

[Ed Palmer]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down."
Whadda you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."

Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, "no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car." "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, "No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car."

So, we go to club car. "While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, "No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car. We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar." "Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, "Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!" "Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!"

[Ed Palmer]

Hunting Story
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around
said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? That's Todd.
He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never
forget."

They awakened the old hunter and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1955, we went on a lion hunting exposition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.
We
were starving.

On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet.
I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree,
and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by
a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I
ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this,
ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just crapped my
pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you,
I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

Todd lifted his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said
ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

STATE MOTTO’S

* Delaware “We like chemicals in our Water”

* Florida “As me about my Grand Children”

* Georgia “We put the FUN in Fundamentalism”

* Idaho “We are more than just potatoes”

* Illinois “Don’t pronounce the S”

* Indiana “Tidal Wave free for a Billion years”

* Iowa “We do amazing things with corn”

* Kansas “The rectangle state”

* Kentucky “Five million folks, thirteen last names”

[Ed Palmer]

Arkansas Motorcycle


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/HillbillyMotorcycle-vi.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."

[Ed Palmer]

GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN

Here are some Sunday school funnies from the Children: Remember, it could be one of yours giving these brilliant answers and retorts.

· A four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

· A little boy prayed, “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy don’t worry about it, I am having a good time the way I am.”

· A Sunday school teacher asked the kids why we should be quiet in church. One child said, “Because the people are sleeping.”

· A preacher was prancing around the pulpit, jerking the mic cord here and there in a wild manner, and a little girl asked her dad, “If he gets loose will he hurt us?”

· A Sunday school teacher asked if any of the kids could tell her the last Commandment. One girl spoke up and said, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

[Ed Palmer]

GREAT REASONS TO EAT JUNK FOOD AND NOT DIET

· Your heart is only good for so many beats. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. Take a nap.

· Eating less meat and more fruits and veggies is not all that good for you. A cow eats hay and corn which are veggies. Steak is just a system to deliver these to your body. So eat meat and get vegetables.

· Beer and wine are not bad for you. Beer and wine are just liquid vegetables and fruits.

· There is no logical benefit to exercise. No pain-no pain is better. Take a nap.

· Stopping smoking will only create more stress in your life.

· Fried food is good for you because it is cooked in Vegetable oil.

· The secret to healthy eating is thicker gravy.

· Hint: Do not jog: You never see a big fat guy in gym shorts on the side of his road clutching his chest. It’s always those tanned and toned guys who’ve over done it.

[Ed Palmer]

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of *****s in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

[Phantom Blooper]

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could
zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less.

"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

[Ed Palmer]

StrangerInParadise
One day years ago I was riding thru town when a Young woman whipped her shirt up as she was walking down the street exposing a near perfect set. When I got home later I told my wife what had happened and she asked; "Well what did she look like?"; to which I honestly replied; "Dear I don't even know if she had a face much less what it looked like."

[Ed Palmer]

THE DOG DON’T DRIVE

There was a county-wide effort by the police to round up all unlicensed dogs and a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped the cop pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside the man.

The cop asked, “Does your dog have a license?”

The man said, “Well, heck no. He doesn’t need a license, I always do the driving.”

[Ed Palmer]

A man was driving along a dusty road, when he ran out of gas. The man walked to the nearest house and asked if he could get some gas. The owner of the house said that he could stay the night if he wished, since the gas stations were now closed.
"But I must warn you," said the owner, "there's a monster in the garage. No matter what you do, don't touch it."

With that, the owner went upstairs to sleep. But the man was curious, and went out to the garage. He flipped on the lights, and saw a huge, horrible, reptilian monster, curled up in a heaving, grunting ball in the corner. He walked close and stuck out his tongue at it. Nothing. He made a nasty face at it. Nothing. He called him some evil names. He made fun of his mother. Absolutely nothing. So he put out his finger and touched the monster. All of a sudden, the monster sprung up and roared. The man wasted no time and took off running -- with the monster in hot pursuit, and gaining.

The man found himself on the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go, and the pounding steps of the monster getting closer and closer. Then the monster was upon and with one giant claw put his finger on the man's shoulder.

"You're it."

[Ed Palmer]

Memo to the family dogs..

Dear Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If,
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many
years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that
also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her).
They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

[Ed Palmer]

Unemployment Benefits
Poncho and Pedro worked together and both were laid
off, so they went to
the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Poncho answered,
"Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic on da ladies'
cotton panties." The clerk
looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as
"unskilled labor", she
gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.


Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he
replied. Since diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a
week.


When Poncho found out, he was furious. He stormed
back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting
double his pay.



The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled
labor but diesel> fitters are skilled."



"What skill?" yelled Poncho. "I sew the elastic on da
panties, and then
Pedro puts dem over his head and says, "Yeah, diesel
fitter."

[Ed Palmer]

SENIOR CITIZENS <TP>









Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

l

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."

l

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

l

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 P.M.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

l

I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

l

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!

l

Now- Have I already sent this to you???????

If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

.

[Ed Palmer]

True Doctor Stories, including the name and city of the doctor:
A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX




At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully
replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA




One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical,
including the
visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left."
Again, a flawless read Now both,"
I requested. There
was silence. He
couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing
there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA



During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA



While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered .
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI



And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

[Ed Palmer]

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be ****tin' me!"
came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the
Father of our Country way back when George Washington was crossing
the
Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number)
in
Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and
the
water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered
him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging
the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
his
lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All
of
them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their
favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General,
I
see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a
huge
house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill
repute
hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington
pounded
on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and
much
to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across
her
face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington, and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
broad
smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do
you
have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without
Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3 cookies...Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,
"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,
ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
drank the milk,,,,,,,,,
$hit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

[Joseph P Carey]

Our Great bed of Liberal Law, the State of Massachusetts, sends us these bits of legalism that can not deny that there is something wrong in a state that elects both Kennedy and Kerry to the US Senate.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"Did he kill you?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

[Ed Palmer]

DID JA KNOW?

· Budweiser beer is a good hair conditioner?

· Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish?

· Mayonnaise will kill lice and condition your hair?

· Elmer’s glue will get rid of blackheads?

· Brewed Lipton Tea will make your hair shiny?

· A large jar of Nestea in your bathwater will soothe sunburn?

· Colgate or Crest toothpaste will soothe minor burns?

· Sugar on your tongue will stop a burn?

[thedrifter]

Hubby distant second in line for Wife's Affection
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Abigail Van Buren
Sun Jul 10, 8:06 PM ET

DEAR ABBY: My wife spends all her spare time with a female friend I'll call "Cassandra." Last August they went to Nicaragua for two weeks, at Cassandra's expense. They are planning a trip to Puerto Rico next month. Again, Cassandra is footing the bill. They spent a week together in Louisville at a church-sponsored activity. They give each other oil massages in our bed and make frequent bets with each other with the massages as the payoff.

They spend as much as three hours a day communicating, whether it be via phone, e-mail or text-messaging. They see each other a minimum of once a week, plus at church, and we live 50 miles apart.

When they're together, I can repeat a question four times or more and never be acknowledged. They make special dinners and buy each other gifts. The items my wife receives are many times what we can afford. When they're on the phone or e-mailing, dinners have been burned and normal things that should be done around the house don't get done.

Do you think there is something I should be concerned about here? -- WONDERING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WONDERING: Yes, I do, because you do not appear to be first on your wife's list of priorities. You and she -- and probably her girlfriend -- are overdue for a long and very frank talk.


DEAR WONDERING,

My suggestion to You, ever heard of a threesome
Why not join in the fun..

Ellie
;) :D

[Ed Palmer]

Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee
jumping.

One said to the other , "How about it?

The other replied, "No way, I came into this world because of a broken
rubber. I'm not leaving it the same way."

[Phantom Blooper]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.





The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.":banana:

[Joseph P Carey]

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her big trip to New York City and she was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her Southern Belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

[Ed Palmer]

HERES A TEST FOR ALL OF THE 3500 MOS ,S OUT THERE

http://www.kerman94.com/BusDriverTest

[Joseph P Carey]

My oldest child is my son, and one, day when he was quite young, he came to me in a rather basful way, and he asked, "Is it true, Dad? In some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

I had to smile at him, and I said, "That happens in every country, son."

[Joseph P Carey]

The world has gone crazy with some of the things that happen on the computer information lines:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally!

8. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but the computer still couldn't "see" the printer".

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse!

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that. But when it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the floppy disk and wondered why there were problems.

13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this the Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I! Help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: " I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about it being a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

15. Tech: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "P" on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: " I'm not going to do that!"

[Joseph P Carey]

Under the premise, "If you tell a lie often enough, and loud enough, and with enough feeling" the lie will be believed. In that case, These are the rules a woman should follow when looking for a man:

WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW:
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)

One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.

HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agree that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing!!!

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see that a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever is asked of you, to him or to each other, while he watches and jumps in intermitantly.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, just go to a 'local bar' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
A: There is absolutely no way to tell!!!

Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.

Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"

Q: "Where should a man take me?"
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.

Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"
A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

Now, the object of this campaign is to keep repeating these truisms as often and as loud as you possibly can, to anybody you meet that will listen to you! After a brief period of time, they will all be gospel. Good places to start are at Peace Rallies and Left Wing Liberal Conventions. They'll believe anything you tell them!

[Phantom Blooper]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!

Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"


She replied,"Aye, that ye did, Father."




The Father asked, "And be there any wee
ones yet?"


She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."


She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.

Some years later,they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these
days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"


She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and
four singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful!


How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle!":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm
on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like
to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy
you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water."

"Coming! right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

[Ed Palmer]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous bikini-ed blonde came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angelica."

[Phantom Blooper]

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she
was a child she and her father had discussed life after death.

They had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.

He died in her home and, a few days after the wake, the smoke alarmin her garage went off.

She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone
off before.

She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that
installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again... and the reason finally dawned on her.

She said aloud, "Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get
it now!

Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side.


Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it turned off.

She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His
response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?":banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the $300 for the shoes and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Paolo replies," I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli! leather shoes. How do you like them?"

The following week he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo , I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, Carmella, stilla my heart, pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me thisa be true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight."

Paolo gasps and says "Thanka God .. I thought I had a crack in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes."

[Joseph P Carey]

To do my bit while Ed is incapacitated:

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."

[Phantom Blooper]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
Becky my darling," he whispered.
Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."
There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
No, No. I must die in peace. Becky, I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work.":banana:

[yellowwing]

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

[muck]

Inflatable Doll

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and ask, "Is it true they's suing' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes Bubba, sure is true," responder the lawyer

"And now someone is suing' them fast food restaurants fer making' them fat an' clogging their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, "is that true Mista Layer?"

"Sure is Bubba"

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee she ordered?"

"Yep"

"And that football player sued that university when he grageated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right" said the lawyer, "But why are you asking?"

"Well I was thinkin'...."What I want to know is , kin I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I slept with?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,

Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

[yellowwing]

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"SHOW ME A SERGEANT AND I'LL SHOW YOU A DOPE," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a giant battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I'M A SERGEANT!" he bellowed.

"...and I am a dope," whispered Reggie.

[Joseph P Carey]

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.

While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy laddle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy laddle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy laddle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy laddle."

[Joseph P Carey]

In keeping of the Marine tradition of standing in for a fallen Marine when he has become disabled for one reason or another, as Ed Palmer so loved this section, I will continue with the jokes until Ed is able to astound us with his wit again.

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.

"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"

[Joseph P Carey]

Happy Birthday Ed Palmer!

Saving it for marriage

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day, and he came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low, and he simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"

[Osotogary]

The young man seems prolific!

[Joseph P Carey]

Prolific??? The SOB must be calloused from shank to tip! The guy does not need to get an errection any longer!

[Joseph P Carey]

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she
tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her,
3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water.
She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's
airplane."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary
says,

"I'll get them! for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset!"

Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you're
handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning."

[Phantom Blooper]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an EAGLE
to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political
stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more
accurate than that."

[Phantom Blooper]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas,
Alabama,Georgia, Texas, Tennessee and North & South Carolina boys will be
dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following five facts about
terrorists:



1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

[Joseph P Carey]

I have been a private Investigator most of my adult life, and I have done some things that were pretty stupid at the behest of a client, or two, all in the name of providing for my family.

One of my clients, a man named Boyd, who had more money than common sense, and he did not mind throwing the money in any direction for his own little vendettas. All in all, the guy was a big ass, and he really had no friends to speak of, so, if he thought I was his friend while he was buying information from me, so be it, it was all good! But, he was wearing thin on me, and sometimes it is just not worth the money to have him coming around the office.

The last straw came when he walked into my office one day, and in his hand was one of those plastic food bags like the food stores now package your purchases in, and in the bag was a couple of bulky items. He walked past my receptionist and over to my desk and placed the bag and its articles on the top of my desk, and than he sat in the leather chair in front of my desk and waited.

I looked up from the report I was reading and he had that "I got an itch" look on his face that I had seen so often before, and I had really come to hate.

He said, "Look what that beast did!"

I opened the bag, and inside it was a pair of pretty expensive brand new shoes, least wise, they looked like new shoes. Someone, or something, had torn the crap out of the shoes, and I mean literally torn the crap out of them."

"That big ass neighbor's cat did that when I left my shoes on the front step of my house." He said. "I want you to find that dumb cat, and bring him to me, tonight!" And, with that being said, he gave me a description of the cat, and the house in which the neighbor lived, and he dropped Four Hundred Dollars on the desk, and he got up from the chair, and he left the office as abruptly as he had entered it, and without so much as a goodbye, he was gone through the front door.

I know what you're thinking, and I did too! I was ready to chase him down on the streets outside my office, and shove the money up his fat rump! But, Four Hundred Dollars is Four Hundred Dollars, and it was a slow day.

A couple of hours later, after a stop at the food store to get some cat food, and a stop at the pet store to get some catnip and a carrying box, I was in the area of his home, and after some short time, I spotted the cat, and a short time after that, I had the cat in the carrying box. By this time it was dark.

I had decided, before I even approached the front door of his home, that this was the last thing I would ever do for this guy, but telling a client that I did not want his money any longer was a totally alien concept to me, so, I decided again that I had to do this with style, something that would be memorable!

When Boyd answered the door, I opened the cage door and threw the cage and the cat into his home, and as I did, to the tune of Harry Warren and Mack Gordon's "CHATTANOOGA CHOO-CHOO", I sang out, "Pardon-me-Boyd, is-this-the-cat-that-chewed-your-new-shoes? By-the-way, Boyd, I-ain't-working-for-you-no-more!"

I turned and I walked down the driveway to my car, but as I went, I heard his screams and the screeching of the cat as things were heard falling and breaking inside the house. I never saw Boyd again!

[Phantom Blooper]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. do not intend to be forward,but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes,I know." said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and
replied,"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. Just bought this hat yesterday

[Phantom Blooper]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like
hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,
and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked
up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license,
boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting
license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the
second duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a
Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South
Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South
Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled
at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You
tell me, expert."

[Phantom Blooper]

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

[Phantom Blooper]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the
night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,he's only
been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep,and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

:banana:

[Joseph P Carey]

A simple case of losing it all:

A Fat body was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program.

"Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

He is really looking forward to the next four days....For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[Phantom Blooper]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said ,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.

"What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

[Joseph P Carey]

Being an investigator for so many years, I find this one about a Chinese detective to be funny:

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report.......

Most honorable Sir,

You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.

No Fee.

[GySgtRet]

Joseph P Carey,

I know that you cann't reveal any trade secrets, but anything simular in your experiences...??? LOL

[Joseph P Carey]

Originally posted by GySgtRet
Joseph P Carey,

I know that you cann't reveal any trade secrets, but anything simular in your experiences...??? LOL

No, I was all business! I would have had my one hands on a camera, and the other on the tree. But, later, I would have made a date with the lady, or any lady for that matter! :-) Or, as my proclivity usually tended to go to the Long Black hair and eyes of the Asian Lady, perhaps I would have picked up on the detective's wife, as he would most probably not had any use for her at this point, nor she him!

[GySgtRet]

All business..??? Come on now, no way dude...!!!

[Joseph P Carey]

Originally posted by GySgtRet
All business..??? Come on now, no way dude...!!!

Ah! Gunny! We all know how you guys are on those long deployments! :-) :-) :-) ;-) |-)

[Joseph P Carey]

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

[Joseph P Carey]

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

[Ed Palmer]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an
inflatable doll.



"Would you like male of female?"



"Female, please."



"Would you like Black, or White?"



"White, please."



"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"



This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has



religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"



"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!?

[Ed Palmer]

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can
increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the
money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer
complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer
looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through
the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[Ed Palmer]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up
the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."

[Ed Palmer]

FOR ALL OF YOU LOVLEY LADIES OUT THERE

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. Well, said the
Director, we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, teacup, and a bucket
to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.
Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the
bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."

"Noooooo.." answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[Ed Palmer]

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and
spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and
fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation,
the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would
continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so
there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady
friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd
better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied.
"I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you tee off."

[Ed Palmer]

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy
test. The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the b*stard that did
this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room
with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will
pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is
born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank
account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him,
Like a gentleman
"You'll do her again."

[Ed Palmer]

This happened about a month ago just outside of Thief River Falls, in
> > Northern Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale,
> > it's real.
> >
> > This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking
> > on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed
>slowly
> > and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his
>hand
> > in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching
>and
> > appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him
> > and stopped.
> >
> > Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the
> > door; only then did he realize that! there was nobody behind the wheel,
>and
> > no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
> >
> > Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too
> > scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was
> > approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started
>to
> > pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go
> > off the road and into a nearby river and he would surely drown!
> >
> > But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
> > window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
> > car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared
> > through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
> >
> > Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time
> > they rea! ched a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
> > could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into
> > Thief River Falls. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice
> > quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his
> > supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose
>bumps
> > when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some
> > drunk).
> >
> > About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar, and one says
> > to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz
> > pushin it in the rain."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: The Bug
>>
>> A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing violently about
>> his
>>deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over, slices off the
>>man's penis and angrily tosses it out the car window.
>>
>>Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little
>>girl is chattering away at her father when all of a sudden the penis lands
>>on the car windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
>>
>> A moment of surprised silence ... then, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
>>
>>Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young
>>age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
>>
>>The daughter sits quietly, thoughtfully, and after a moment says .....
>>
>>
>> "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

[Joseph P Carey]

Welcome back Ed, I hope everything went well for you!

[Joseph P Carey]

You know you're a `ho when...

- You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
- You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
- You go through a Sealy Mattress (tm) a week.
- Frederick actually comes to your door himself just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
- When people say, "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
- Your baby looks familiar, but like who?
- When they change your # to 976.
- Tetracycline is your best friend.
- McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal."
- Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
- When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
- When getting dressed is not part of your day.
- Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
- When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
- When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
- When your ceiling mirrors fog.

- When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

- When you have a neon sign saying, "Open All Night."
- You want to have your name changed to Misty.
- Madonna comes to you for pointers.
- When your favorite quote is, "Next please."
- When Guinness Book starts calling.
- When every song reminds you of someone, but who?
- When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
- When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
- When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
- Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
- The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
- When soft foods have become distasteful.
- When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
- When other women begin to call you, "Man's Best Friend."
- You and Prince have already made 3 records.

[Phantom Blooper]

Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office. At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it.

However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hotdog stand, I have an erection.

[Joseph P Carey]

Phamtom,

I have to talk to you about your diet!
"Be advised, I'm mean, NASTY, and tired. I eat concertina wire and pee napalm. And I can put a round through a flea's ass at 200 meters. I smoke TNT and fart Nitro! So be advised that you are dealing with a very sick & opinionated Marine SNCO!"

Signed: The person standing next to you in the elevator!

[Phantom Blooper]

Phantom Blooper was delivering products to the Pentagon and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, he had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, he let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so he quickly used some " Pine-Scented Spray" to cover up the smell.

A drunk Marine entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone $hit a Christmas tree."

[Joseph P Carey]

OK! Phantom! You got me on that one! Good Come-back!

[Phantom Blooper]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.

One day, the bunny was hopping along through the forest, and the snake was slithering along through the forest, when all of a sudden the bunny tripped over the snake, and fell down. This of course knocked the snake about quite a bit!

"Oh! My!" said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you! I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going! In fact, I don't even know what I am!"

"Its quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could slither over you and figure out what you are! So at least you'll have that going for you!"

"Oh! That would be wonderful!" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears: your noise twitches: and you have a soft cottony tail! I'd say that makes you a bunny!"

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement! The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you helped me!"

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked:

"Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls! I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly in upper management!"

[Nagalfar]

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for
over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou
Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work
environment.

And Last but not least.....

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ...
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars.
O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake and Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the
one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work
in the yard, and haul her off to jail."

[Joseph P Carey]

Clean jokes, I have a million of them!

A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. He and the young lady were to wed in a month.

The witch told him, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven and pills buried says it best."

I know! On a scale of 1 to 10, a 2 and falling!

[Joseph P Carey]

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "But Ethel here has seniority."

[Phantom Blooper]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.


When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him
in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in movie.


Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says
"Wha...aaat?"


"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces
that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front
door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Why do men's hearts beat quicker,

go weak in the knees,

get dry throats

and

think irrationally

when a woman wears

leather clothing?









BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

[Phantom Blooper]

A Young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees
the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[Phantom Blooper]

My penis died today... An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Barton," said Mr.Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very
sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Phantom Blooper]

**A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof ) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread , please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

[Phantom Blooper]

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at Home. "I
will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social
security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.

[Phantom Blooper]

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
guide led them through a process of cheese making,
explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the
group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked,
"What do you do in America with your older goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

[Phantom Blooper]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one
morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to
Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she
was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[Osotogary]

Do you want me to draw a cartoon about that? LOL

[Joseph P Carey]

Hey Gary, How about a weight watcher's chart like in The dieters guide to weight loss during sex?

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED:

REMOVING CLOTHES..

With partners' consent 12
Without partners' consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA..

Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BED..

Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION..

For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON RUBBER..

With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..

If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72

If a man does it,
regardless of experience 680
(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room!)
With womans consent 50
Without womans consent 300

INSERTION..

If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274

ORGASM..

Real 27
Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..

Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..

Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT..

After orgasm 0.5
Just before orgasm 500

PENIS ENVY..

For woman 3
For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS..

Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT..

By partners' spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..

Italian..
man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian..
woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English..
side by side with lights off 10
Scots..
woman on top, man on whisky 69
American..
both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE..

Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150

[Osotogary]

That would definitely be a challenge. LOL
Those are weight loss numbers for sure. Only problem is the pizza and beer that usually follows. Heck, then it's like doing PT for nothing.

[Joseph P Carey]

Truthfully Gary, I would not say it was doing it for nothing! ;-)

[Phantom Blooper]

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, a Walmart greeter...







...sees her and unplugs the horse.

[Phantom Blooper]

Do you want me to draw a cartoon about that? LOL

Yes Sir,that would be nice! I always enjoy your work & cartoons. Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall

[Ed Palmer]

try a cartoon of this one Gary


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:

"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab***** offffff?"