Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Dirty Magazines

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[thedrifter]

Bad Books

Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:

'You Were an Accident'

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'

[thedrifter]

Who Said That?

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep
their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

[thedrifter]

The Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

[thedrifter]

Weird Names

One day a little boy asked his father, "how come you named my sister Running Dear?"

So the father answerd his question and said, "when your sister was born I couldn't think of a name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw."

"Oh" said the little boy, "is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?"

The father said to his son "why do you ask that Two Dogs ****ing?"

[thedrifter]

Chldren's Prayer

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[thedrifter]

A Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[sm@@thrider]

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN MANY LANGUAGES

English...........I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai ****e Imasu
Italian.......... Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget
Greek............ S'Agapo
Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian....... Une Te Dua
Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay
Persian....... Du Stet Daram
Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan...... Testimo Molt
American.... Nice Tits

[Ed Palmer]

A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips.." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "You must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Baptist". Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

[thedrifter]

In A Lift

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.'
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'

[thedrifter]

Face Lift

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."

[thedrifter]

Cut-Backs

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

[thedrifter]

Counselling Genious

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[thedrifter]

Pinching

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, 'That will teach you to
pinch!'
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.'
'Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'I did.'

[thedrifter]

Different Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

[thedrifter]

Married For The Money

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I donít care where your money came from!'

[thedrifter]

Get Me The Manager

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[thedrifter]

Working Together

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

[Ed Palmer]

Truisms About Love and Sex

Love and sex are perhaps the most perplexing (and entertaining) aspects of the human condition. Here then are a few truisms to help keep things in perspective.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.


The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50 percent what you've got and 50 percent what people think you've got.

Sex is like snow—you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going to last.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

Sex has no calories.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. On Sunday, pray for crop failure.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Sex is a three-letter word that needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired—or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Beauty is skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad—stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

[Ed Palmer]

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)


Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ****-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

[Ed Palmer]

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary,
Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of
feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one
feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman,
one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This
brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two
women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say,
amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers
in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em
all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like
snake"

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile"
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me
sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The Chief said: "No deer.. Ass too high, run too fast.

[thedrifter]

Cheating Husband

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"

[thedrifter]

Furry Present

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[thedrifter]

Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[thedrifter]

Farm Date

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[thedrifter]

Border Questions

An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

Officer: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

Husband: "About one month."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

Officer: "Where are you from?"

Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He says he knows you!"

[thedrifter]

Freudian Slip

Two guys are sitting at a bar talking and one guy asks the other guy, "Man, do you ever have a Freudian slip?"

"What are you talking about?" says the other guy.

"Well I was at the airport the other day and one of the clerks had really big tits, and I meant to say, 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but I accidentally said, 'Could I have have two tickets to Titsburgh."

The other guy says, "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife the other day and I meant to say, 'Could you pass the salt please,' but instead I said, '***** you ruined my life!"

[thedrifter]

Brave Soldier

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first" said the son.

[thedrifter]

New Rifle

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Ed Palmer]

CONFESSION
A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

DIVORCE
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

SICK
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So, the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So, every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm having sex with her." The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

SO SMALL
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

BACHELOR
Hear about the new household cleaner that just came on the market? It's called "Bachelor." Why? Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

WIFE
A lonely guy placed an ad in the classifieds, it read: "Wife Wanted." The next day, he received more than a hundred letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

SACRIFICE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to decide which person would make the ultimate sacrifice until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

ONE DAY
Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."

CHAPPED LIPS
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the rear. The bartender inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips." "Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?" "No," says the cowboy, "But it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

CANNIBAL
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A: He was buttering up his teacher.

HOW MANY
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

FERTILE
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.

SIX MONTHS
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

COMMERCIALS
Q: How are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word either one says, and they both last about 60 seconds.


PHONE TAG
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

ANNIVERSARY
Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one, 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."

[Phantom Blooper]

"The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

"The farmer shot Chuck."

"That's another story,but that's how my medical problems began!"

Chuck Hall


:) :)

______________________

[Ed Palmer]

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus
flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking
in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare
panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking
at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his
chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Smart Wife

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain . . . do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too

[thedrifter]

Naked Accident

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.

When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"

She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"

[thedrifter]

Maths And Logic

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)

[thedrifter]

Three Drunk Women

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[thedrifter]

Shocked Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her — she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach.

[thedrifter]

Virgin's Confession

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-***** yesterday."
" Why did you call him a son-of-a-*****?" the priest asked.
" Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, he took off my clothes."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
" Yes, father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where."
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-*****!

[thedrifter]

Great Female Comebacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

[thedrifter]

Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

[thedrifter]

Dead Husbands

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Ed Palmer]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students,
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family,
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you
say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pixs."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant.

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to
you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

[Ed Palmer]

HER Side of the Story
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a
cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I
thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell
there
was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought
we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting
really worried; what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at
me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was really
bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset
with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn't know what the hell
that meant, because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We
finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I
tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I
said I was going to bed. Then, after about 10 minutes he joined me, and,
to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn't. I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he's seeing someone else.

HIS Side of the Story
Played badly today - shot a 93 - can't putt for shixt! Felt kinda tired.
Got laid though

[Ed Palmer]

DID YOU HEAR THE JAPANESE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A FAST ENOUGH SHUTTER SPEED
THAT YOU CAN NOW TAKE A PICTURE OF A WOMEN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: 3 Labrador Retrievers at the Vet
>
> >> Three male Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black
>
> >> were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they
> >> struck up a conversation.
> >>
> >> The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

> >> The brown lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything --the
> >> sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last
> >> night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
> >>
> >> The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
> >>
> >> Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They
> >> reckon it'll calm me down."
> >>
> >> The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are
you
> >> here?"
> >> The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
> >> flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I
> >> dig up the carpets.
> >> But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my
>
> >> owner's couch."
> >>
> >> So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
> >>
> >> "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

> >>
> >> The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are
you
> >> here?"
> >> I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the
>
> >> cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump
> >> everything I see.
> >>
> >> Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending

> >> down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on

> >> her back and started humping away".
> >>
> >> The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
nuts
> >> off for you too, huh?"
> >>
> >> The black lab said....
> >>
> >> "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Hiking

One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.
The blonde yells to the other blonde "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:
"You are on the other side!"

[thedrifter]

Guessing Game

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."

[thedrifter]

Because I'm Blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[thedrifter]

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

[thedrifter]

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!

[thedrifter]

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little ****er on your knee!"

[thedrifter]

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"

[thedrifter]

Wrong Way

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."

[Ed Palmer]

Stop
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.

[Phantom Blooper]

The Tiny Pianist
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny
piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man,"do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

_________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.


She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely............










A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Phantom Blooper]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery with civil service in Lake Charles,La.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the yankee the job."



Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct.

This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"


The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."




Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"



The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this.


On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know."


You put down, "Neither do I."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Little Fire Engine

>

>Little Fire Engine

>This may make your eyes water for some of you!!!!

>A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed

>a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off

>the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was

>wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and

>her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a

>nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied.

>The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the

>wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"

>the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if

>you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

>faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right,

>but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Phantom Blooper]

This young SSgt of the Marines in his dress blues is sitting in a neighborhood bar in center City Philadelphia nursing a beer when in walks this stunningly gorgious blonde. She surveys the room, walks over to the bar and takes a seat two stools down from the Marine who is staring admirable with this mouth agape. She smiles at the bartender and orders a gin & tonic. When the adult beverage arrives, she looks over at the gapping Jarhead and raises her glass with a smile. The Marine being the ever-ready young man that he is, salutes her and then ambles over to where she is sitting. He asks her, "Where have you been all of my life?"

She replies, "Hello. I am simply thankful for your service to our country and that is about it."

The Marine asks, "And that is about what?"

The stunning blonde opens her stunning mouth to revean a stunning set of perfect pearly white teeth and says, "Look Sgt, I like the wonderful job that you Marines do but to tell you the truth I am a lesbian."

He says, "What's that?"

"When I get up in moring all I think of being with a woman. As I am getting dressed for work all I can think of is being with a woman. As I am eating breakfast all I can think of is being with a women. As I travel to work all I can think of is being with a women. As I work in my office all I can think of is being with a women. As I eat my lunch all I can think of is being with a woman. As I travel home from work all I can think of is being with a woman. As I eat my evening meal all I can think of is being with a woman. As I prepare for bed all I can think of is being with a woman. The last thing that I think of as I fall asleep is being with a woman." She replies.

The young Marine exclaims,"Hey! Wadda ya know? I must be a lesbian too!!!"

[thedrifter]

Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

[thedrifter]

Sending The Bill

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer's Contribution

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

[thedrifter]

Profesional Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[thedrifter]

Lawyers Q&A

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

[thedrifter]

Godfather's Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[thedrifter]

Don't Tell Mother

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

[thedrifter]

Memories From Court

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[thedrifter]

Darwin Awards 2005


Yes, it’s that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners. Darwin Award Winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

.... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

[thedrifter]

Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

[thedrifter]

Online Too Long

70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".

[thedrifter]

Microsoft VS. GM

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[thedrifter]

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[thedrifter]

New AOL Messages

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

[thedrifter]

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[thedrifter]

Y2k My Ass

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[thedrifter]

Polly Want a WHAT?



This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"

[thedrifter]

What Is A Million Years?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question.

"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

[thedrifter]

It's in the Bible

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He
confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend,
I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS
somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter
and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you
find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[thedrifter]

Priest Golfing

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."

The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.

Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, "Dammit, I missed."

[thedrifter]

Bulletin Bloopers

1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

[thedrifter]

Jesus Tackles The Drug

Jesus and his disciples are sitting around a table discussing the current problem of drugs in todays society, when Jesus decides that the only way to get an understanding of the problem is to actually try the drugs for themselves. So Jesus sends his disciples out to the four corners of the earth to bring back a variety of narcotics for testing.

Several weeks later the first disciple arrives back. There's a knock on the door.

"Peter, you have returned and what have you brought for us."

"My Lord! from Morrocco I have brought some Hash."

"We'll done Peter."

Another knock on the door.

"Simon, what have you brought back from your travels?"

"My Lord! I have brought some Marijuana from the rain forests of Brazil."

Another knock on the door.

"John, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! I have brought cocaine from Columbia"

Another knock on the door.

"James! what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from the mountains of Nepal I've brouht heroin."

Another knock on the door.

"Mathew, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from New York city I have brought some crack."

Then finally there's a knock on the door and Judas arrives. And Jesus asks?

Judas what have you brought?

"The FBI mother****ers, this is a bust."

[Ed Palmer]

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask
the
interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you
see any
active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial
disability."
"May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs
and I
lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does
everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of
my
disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am, but I might as well be
honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching
our balls
trying to decide what to do first."

[JinxJr]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[Sgted]

ROUTE 22

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State
Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies b two
in the front and three in the back of the car -- wide-eyed and white
as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit,
exactly twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to
ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119."

[thedrifter]

Doctor's Love

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[thedrifter]

Duck Expert

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell

[thedrifter]

Train Sit

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

10 Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[thedrifter]

12 Year Old Whisky

dude walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "I want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says : "Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 years old."
The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "Bartender, I do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !"
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs,
" Ah, now that's the real thing. "
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. :
"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."...
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like ****!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah sure, now how old am I ?"

[thedrifter]

That's Not It!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

[thedrifter]

All Strung Out

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[thedrifter]

Bubba is Dead

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,

[thedrifter]

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin a cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

[thedrifter]

what does f**k mean?

thier was this kid that always got picked on at school. everyday his friends and kids that whent to school always said to him f**k you.well the dumb kid always was curious about what
the word f**k means. one day he got real
sad and wanted to know what it meant,so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father. he yelled
"pah"and then his pa came out and asked what hell you want boy? the boy said "pah" what does f**k mean. and then his pah said son i think its time you knew what f**k mean. pah then yelled out "mah" get down here son want sto know what f**k mean. mah comes down stairs pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your posission.he turns to his son and said son you see that pink spot on mah."uh huh"watch your pah go to work. then the boys sister came in the door and says what are they doin? the boy turns his head
and with a smile he says they ****in.
sister says what does f**k mean.

WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH"uh huh" WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK.

[thedrifter]

KIss

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his
mouth and asked,

"Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom
before he goes to work."

That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"

[thedrifter]

Timbuktu


The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU".

The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.


The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.

Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:

Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three *****s in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.


The redneck won hands down.

[thedrifter]

How Big An 'Ol Boy Are Ya!


Earl was enjoying his normal Saturday afternoon activities, (watching bass fishing, eating pork rinds, and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon) when his wife came storming in the trailer.

"I want you to get up and kick this guy's ass!" she exclaimed.

Earl, being a man of pride, jumped up and said, "What did that bastard do to you?"

She said, "Well I was at the market and I dropped a melon, when I went down to pick it up he looked under my dress."

Earl was fuming now!

Then he looked me in the eyes and said, "I would like to fill you up with ice cream and eat it all up!"

Hearing this Earl immediately sat back down.

She replied, "Well aren't you gonna do something?"

Earl looked at her and said, "I'm not gonna **** with anyone who can eat that much ice cream."

[thedrifter]

Hang On For Dear Life/Wife


Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'rodeo'.

His friend said, "No what is it?"

"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say, 'Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's'.

Now see if you can hang on for eight seconds."

[thedrifter]

Redneck Gorrilla


A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to **** the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

[thedrifter]

Chicken At The Movies

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"

[thedrifter]

Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"

Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"

[thedrifter]

Open Fly

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

[thedrifter]

Lion tamer

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

[thedrifter]

Leaving Early

Three women all worked in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss would leave work early.
One day, the women decided, that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, played with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early to suprise her husband. But when she got to the bedroom,
she heard a muffled noise coming from inside.
Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see
her boss in bed with her husband!

Gently she closed the door, and crept out of the house.

The next day the brunette and the redhead planned on leaving early again and asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"NO WAY," the blonde exclaimed, " I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!!!"

[thedrifter]

Fourth Husband

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[thedrifter]

Mircale Worker

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.

The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.

Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."

So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.

The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

[thedrifter]

Grade this joke:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Terrible Hilarious


Current grade is: 5.72


Staying Alive

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My ******* itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[thedrifter]

Cinderella's Wishes

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'

[Ed Palmer]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet
coffee. Her son is on The cover
of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the
cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the
back>of the milk carton.
>
>
WOMEN'S REVENGE
> "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
folding items the woman
Wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. "So,
do you always carry your TV
remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my
husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to
him legally."
>
>
UNDERSTANDING WOM EN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
>
> MARRIAGE SEMINAR
>
> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing
with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other." He
addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over,touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury,
isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather
ugly, so I'll stop right here.
>
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
>
> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up
and down the aisles. The
>sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his
wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She
says, confused, "Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife? He answers, ' You
see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin of tobacco and some
rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I
have to roll my own ... so does she. this guy
could be the one on the milk
carton)!
>
> WIFE VS. HUSBAND
> A couple drove down a country road for
several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed
a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
>
>
WORDS
>
> A husband read an article to his wife about
how many words women use
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife
replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men ...
The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
>
>
CREATION
>
> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know
how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "
The wife responded, "Allow
me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me; God
made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
>
> WHO DOES WHAT
>
> A man and his wife were having an argument
about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should
do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to
get our coffee." The
husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee." Husband replies,
"I can't believe that, show
me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the
New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
..."HEBREWS"
>
>

[thedrifter]

Sermon Sleep

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
*******ed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[thedrifter]

No Cussing In Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he
stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,
"Preacher, I'll tell you WHAT, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd
rather you didn't use
that kind of language in the Lord's House.

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with
that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering
plate!"

The preacher said, "No ****?"

[thedrifter]

The Vow

A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said "Bed Hard", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said " Food Cold ", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said "I Quit". The head Monk looked at him and replied. "Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but ***** since you got here"

[thedrifter]

Deserted Islands

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you
might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman,
2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
2 English men and 1 English woman,
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman,
2 American men and 1 American woman, and
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunningly beautiful
desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,
another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in
order to supply employees for the store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body,the
true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand
and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey.
But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[thedrifter]

Religious

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

[thedrifter]

Forgive Me Father


An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to the Priest: "Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek forgiveness for my sins".

The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says: "Tell me what it is my son. It cannot be that bad".

The man replies: "In the Second World War a young Jewish lady came to me and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I did and made a place for her in the attic".

"But my son", replied the Priest "that is an act of great kindness for which you will be rewarded".

"Yes", said the man "but I was lonely and in order to let her stay, I demanded sexual favors from her".

"Oh. I see", said the Priest. "But my son, times were so hard then. You sought solace in the woman you were protecting. You are forgiven".

"Thank you", said the man "that has been a great weight off of my shoulders. While I'm here, do you think that I should tell her the war has ended?"

[thedrifter]

Silent Battle With The Pope


Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

[thedrifter]

The Bunny and The Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

[thedrifter]

Being Pregnant

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[thedrifter]

Laywer's BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[thedrifter]

An Honest Mistake

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

[thedrifter]

Top Ten Dirty Lawyer Sayings

The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last
minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be
good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one
he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

[thedrifter]

Roadkill

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!" And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

[thedrifter]

Punishment

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

[thedrifter]

Which Would You Rather Operate On?


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

[thedrifter]

That's where they are from...


A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor, my husband has developed a penchant for anal sex. So I came to you for advice."

"Ok, let's see...does it hurt you?"

"Hmmmm .. a little."

"Do you like it?"

"Hmmm ..... well, yes."

"Then, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do it. If you take care about not getting pregnant."

"Getting pregnant? I didn't know you could get pregnant in that way."

"Of course you can. Where do you think all lawyers come from?"

[thedrifter]

Drunk Test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[thedrifter]

Genious Salesman

A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen.

Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"

Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like CRAP!!'

I reply 'Yes sir! That's what it is!
Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

[thedrifter]

Nail The Cow

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

[thedrifter]

Interesting Questions

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to
talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy
puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:


First - whatever happened to your medical health care
plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you
took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton
informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.


When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh,
that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points
him out and asks him for his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care
plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took
when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes
early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

[thedrifter]

President Acts God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

[thedrifter]

Bush Leadership Test

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

[thedrifter]

Clinton And The Genie

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

[thedrifter]

Bush And Gore Fishing

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

[thedrifter]

The Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she
smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped
me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton
again."

[thedrifter]

Under Age

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Drinking

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

[thedrifter]

Mack Pappy

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

[thedrifter]

A Time-Share

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[thedrifter]

Zoo Vittles

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

[thedrifter]

Valentine's Love

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and
I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt .

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo.

[thedrifter]

You Filthy Pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"

"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.

So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.

Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.

"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.

"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

[thedrifter]

A Cherry (Bomb) Of An Idea

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[thedrifter]

Redneck First-Aid

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

[thedrifter]

Airplane

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[thedrifter]

10 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer:

1. The monitor is up on blocks
2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
3. The six front keys have rotted out
4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six
6. The password is BUBBA
7. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU
8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
9. The keyboard is camouflaged
10. And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is...... The Mouse is referred to as a 'Critter'

[thedrifter]

3 Big Rednecks

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?" The guy beside him stiffens.

"Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds and I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin' next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny-do you still want to tell your little joke?"

To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'm glad you told me. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

[thedrifter]

A Windows Recall

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

* Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
* OK = ats aww-right
* cancel = hail no
* reset = aw shoot
* yes = shore
* no = Naaaa
* find = hunt-fer it
* go to = over yonder
* back = back yonder
* help = hep me out here
* stop = ternit off
* start = crank it up
* settings = sittins
* programs = stuff at does stuff
* documents = stuff I done done

Also note that WINDERS 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98

* tiperiter...................A word processor
* colering book...............a graphics program
* addin mershene..............calculator
* outhouse paper .............notepad
* jupe-box....................CD Player
* inner-net...................Microsoft Explorer
* pichers.....................A graphics viewer
* IRS.........................M/S accounting software
* IRS2........................M/S accounting software

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/illegals2hr.jpg




At the risk of being somewhat politically incorrect........



Subject: Mexican earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has
hit
Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are
injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in
shock.
Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except for France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

[Ed Palmer]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they
came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose
costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to
hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume
and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned
their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in
front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself."

[Ed Palmer]

Senior Quiz


The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that Masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know,
but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind?_______________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the US in early 1964, we all watched
Them on the, ______________________show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________.

04. The story you are about to see is true. The Names have been changed ____________________.

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________.

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _________________________.

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, ____________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________________.

10. Red Skeletons hobo character was ________________________. and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and_____________________________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning
Their_________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back And the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by?__________________________&_______________________.

13. I n 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute To__________________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into Orbit. The Russians did it; it was called
_____________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called The ___________.

[Ed Palmer]

Answers:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. to protect the innocent
05. The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddie the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

[Ed Palmer]

A general reply... USMC style!
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you've got to read this!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NRP) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? ...

The radio went silent and the interview ended

[Ed Palmer]

I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here
are some takes on how Southern folks look at their
Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a Moon Pie is.
6. You've never had an RC Cola.
7. You've never, never, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the
head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars "opera glasses."
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an appliquéd sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what appliqué is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (I.e. Joe Bob,
Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Billie Ruth,
Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade
33. You don't need a recipe for sweet tea.
34. Reading this makes you mad

[Ed Palmer]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes," replies the lawyer. "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" asks the judge. "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature."

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."

"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related. Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.

[Ed Palmer]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She sneaked by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."

[Ed Palmer]

Stuck in a strange city due to inclement weather, the drinker was bored. The man sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . ."

"Stop! I don't permit talk about politics in my bar." interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope . . ."

"No religion talk, either!" the bartender cut in.

The traveler thought for a few minutes and then asked, "Look, how about sex? Can I talk sex?"

"Sure," replied the bartender.

"Then go f*** your self!" said the man.

[Ed Palmer]

One evening after a few drinks at the local tavern, two buddies named Kirk and Bernie started discussing their wives. Quickly the conversation moved on to orgasms.

Bernie asked Kirk, "Did you know that there are four different types of orgasms?"

Kirk replied, "Really? I had no idea. What are they?"

Bernie answered, "Well, they are the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."

"What's the difference? asked Kirk.

Bernie replied, "The Positive goes, 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!' The Negative goes, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The Religious goes, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And, the Fake one goes, 'Oh Kirk! Oh Kirk!'"

[Ed Palmer]

A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, and landing unconscious on her back with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, "Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"

[Ed Palmer]

This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."

[Ed Palmer]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a *****."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "Okay, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a ***** or a prostitute?"

The woman replied, "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!"

[thedrifter]

Magic Mirror

There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.
A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever
The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:
I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.
Next the brunette went in she said:
I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.
The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:
I think...
She was vanished into the mirror forever.

[thedrifter]

Secret Service Blonde

The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her" The guy looked at them and said" No I can't do it" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. "He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him." "Alright" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. "What the hell is going on" "Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair."

[thedrifter]

I think...

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror.
The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."

The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished. Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared. Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Then Poof, she disappeared.

[thedrifter]

At Work

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they.
The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.
The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.
The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

[thedrifter]

Misconception

Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."

A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."

A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."

In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says.

After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"

They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"

[thedrifter]

Dead Birdie

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

[thedrifter]

Orgasms a night

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

[thedrifter]

Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[thedrifter]

Bird ****

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!"

[thedrifter]

Painter Blonde

A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money.
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman.

She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."

When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."

About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there.
She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.
As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche-it's a Ferrari."

[thedrifter]

Another Suicide

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.

A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.

[thedrifter]

Suicide

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."

The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"

They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"

[Ed Palmer]

FOR THE LADIES
Men are like....



1. Men are like .....Laxatives ...... They irritate the **** out of you.



2. Men are like ......... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like . Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like . Blenders ....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.



6.. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.



7. Men are like . Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.



8. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.



9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10. Men are like ....... Popcorn . . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like . Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ........ Parking Spots ......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Ed Palmer]

One day, a little boy's mom teached him how to use the bathroom in six easy steps:

1. pull pants down

2. pull penis out

3. pull foreskin back

4. pee

5. push foreskin foreward

6. pull pants up

One day, the little boy's mom passed by the bathroom and heard the little boy saying his steps. She felt proud of what she had done....until she heard him repeat the steps, "3, 5, 3, 5, 3, 5, 3, 5!"

[Ed Palmer]

A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development recent to the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each.

'They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse".

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back. He sends her home.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots?

"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.

"Yes--how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[Ed Palmer]

"Good grief," says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know, why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What.....and have a house full of kids???"

[Ed Palmer]

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them."

The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fxcks the stork?"

[Since1775]

http://www.wantajoke.com/funny_pics/chillpill400.jpg

[thedrifter]

Walking Down A Street

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

[thedrifter]

New Law

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:

When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

[thedrifter]

I-40

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, 'Bout what?"

[thedrifter]

Eat A Possum

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

[thedrifter]

Minimum Drinking Age

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

[thedrifter]

Married Redneck

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

[thedrifter]

Kentucky Hotel

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

[thedrifter]

How Do You Spell That?

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[thedrifter]

Redneck Pickup Line

What's the most popular pickup line in Alabama?

[thedrifter]

Involved

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

[thedrifter]

Under Age

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

[thedrifter]

Redneck Drinking

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

[thedrifter]

Mack Pappy

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

[thedrifter]

A Time-Share

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[thedrifter]

Zoo Vittles

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

[thedrifter]

Break In The Bride

A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

[Ed Palmer]

We is FRIENDS!

Me And You Is Friends ...

You Smile, I Smile ....

You Hurt, I Hurt ....

You Cry, I Cry ...

You Jump Off A Bridge ..

I'm Gonna Miss Your E-Mails

[muck]

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,
at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to
talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their
wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's
families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for
providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,
he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila
envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his
gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man
having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of
them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to
the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "**** you,
" he turned to the bride and said, "**** you," and then he turned
to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the
marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately
after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it
anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the
wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did
happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire
families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world;
we just live in it.

[Since1775]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Ed Palmer]

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who
in a short time were fighting over his attentions.
They held a meeting to resolve the problem and
decided that each would have his services on a
different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the
week, looking forward to Sunday.

As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating
on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a
man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he
swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant
CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am
I ever glad to see you!

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too"
said the raft rider in a swishy way.

With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn,
there goes my Sundays!"

[Ed Palmer]

... Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"
Now Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
Bush Jr. wants to change the Republican Party Emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

[Ed Palmer]

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an un-sportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'" the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

[Ed Palmer]

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.

The coach said, "You're such a big guy, why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's so much better!"

[Ed Palmer]

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl : "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A *****!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

... Ever heard one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."

"Uh, yeah...hello.. this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

[Ed Palmer]

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001501c56007c80e38e0d3286744yourxhtr8hvc4p.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_001701c56007c810a9e0d3286744yourxhtr8hvc4p.gif
Well" says the camel, "I think thats a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"

[Ed Palmer]

A WAR STORY

A long long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. They took the Major to their headquarters and the French General began to interrogate him. The French General asked the British Major, "Why do you English officers all wear those bright red coats? Don't you know that the red material makes you an easy target for our French soldiers to shoot at?"

The English Major said, "the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show up readily and the men under their command won't panic and flee the battle."

And that is why, from that day till the present All French Army officers wear brown pants.

[Ed Palmer]

THE MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a marriage seminar on spousal communication, a Man and his Wife were listening to what the instructor was saying. The Instructor said, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

The instructor said to the husband, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

The husband leaned over to his wife and said, "Pillsbury all-purpose ain't it?"

[Ed Palmer]

THE CHRISTIAN PUPPY

A baptist couple decided to get a dog. They walk down the street and see a sign in the pet store window that says, "christian puppies".

The couple asked how the owner knew they were christian puppies?

The owner says watch: He looks at one of the dogs and says "fetch the bible". The dog runs over to the desk, grabs the bible in his mouth, puts it on the floor. Owner says find Psalm 23. Dog flips thru the pages in the bible on the floor and stops when he gets to the passage.

The couple purchase the dog and take it home. That evening they invite people over and put the dog through its paces. Everyone is amazed.

One guest asks, "does he do regular commands too?"

The new owners says, " don't know let's try it."

Owner says "SIT". The dog sits. Owner says "lie Down". Dog lies down. Owner says "roll over". Dog Rolls over. Owner says, "heel." Dog runs over to owner, jumps up on the couch, puts both paws on the owners fore head and bows its head.

The wife says…."Oh my goodness, He's PENTACOSTAL."

[Ed Palmer]

THE FIRE CHIEF

This guy was playing golf with the Fire Chief when he hit the ball into the rough.

he guy headed toward the brush to find his ball and the Chief yelled, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”

The Chief told him that calls has been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

The first guy said, “You’ve got to be kidding. People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”

The Chief said, “The first thing I ask them is, IS IT ON FIRE?”

[Ed Palmer]

THE NEW POPE: THE REST OF THE STORY

Cardinal Ratzinger was not the Cardinals first choice for pope. They first chose Cardinal Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a catholic school in The Hague and as a young man aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during World War II and spent two years co-piloting B-17’s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain giving spiritual aide to soldiers on both sides.

After the war he became a priest and served as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane in spite of his handicap. He flew to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to the injured and dying. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the sight in his right eye. The high silver content in the mine’s air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy. They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal Leader.

[Ed Palmer]

THE MISER

There was an old man who had been a miser all of his life. When he passed away he found himself at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter greeted him and escorted him to his new living quarters in heaven. Walking past a number of elegant mansions, they finally arrived at a run down shack at the end of a long street.

The old man was upset over this and said, “Hey, how come I have to live in this run down shack when others have mansions up the street?”

Saint Peter said, “Well, sir, we did the best we could with the money you sent to us over the years.”

[Ed Palmer]

DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY

This guy I know always teases his spouse about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift; it was a refrigerator magnet that read: “Martha Stewart does not live here.”

When he came home from work the next day there was a magnet holding up a slip of paper that read: “Neither does Bob Vila.”

[Ed Palmer]

WHAT’S ON THE AUCTION BLOCK AT MICHEAL JACKSON’S HOUSE? HE NEEDS MONEY TO PAY HIS LEGAL BILLS.

His original mother’s day card to his mom featuring a photo of Michael and Bubbles the chimp.
Pictures of Jacko in his many strange wardrobes.
A herd of llamas.
Some of the strange rides at Neverland.
A scrap book of subpoena’s.
Some of the old Beatles Tunes.
The famous leftover nose collection.

[Ed Palmer]

DEPENDS ON YOUR ATTITUDE

A man was driving past Bryce Hospital in Tuscaloosa when he had a flat on his left rear tire.

While he was trying to change the tire, another car runs over the hubcap with the lug nuts in it and the lug nuts fell into a storm drain.

Finally, a patient from behind the fence inside the hospital grounds said, “Hey buddy, why don’t you just take one lug nut off of each of the other three wheels and that will hold your tire till you can get to a garage?”

The man said, “You know, I think that plan will work.” So he put on the spare tire doing what the man has suggested. Before he left he hollered at the patient and said, “You know, you are pretty sharp, why do they have you in there?”

The Patient said, “I’m in here for being crazy, not stupid.”

[Ed Palmer]

I tried but it didn’t work. I got a letter from the IRS which said, “Mr. Wood, you cannot out source the payment of your Taxes to India.”

This I can’t believe. The Rolling Stones are going to go on tour again. What a hoot. Even they admit they are old because they are calling this one the “WE forgot the Lyrics Tour.”

There is a new survey that says Parents treat their gifted children a lot better than their children of average intelligence. It’s true, I work in construction and my parents treated me better than my Brother the Proctologist.

Question. If you make fun of obese people by yelling loudly at them, does this mean you are shouting obesities at them?

I am tired of American Idol. I think they should just pick Bo from Helena and get it over with. Plus, I think My Boss has bought that CD put out by Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell, that has tips on how to be the North end of a south bound mule.

[Ed Palmer]

FIDO THE DOG

A young southern boy goes off to college but squanders his parent’s money.

He wonders how he will get money now. He gets an idea.

The boy calls his Red Neck daddy and says, “You won’t believe the wonders of modern education daddy. I have found a program that will teach your dog Fido how to talk.”

The daddy said, “Amazing boy, how do you get into the program?”

The boy said, “Just send Fido down here with $1000 and I will get him in the program.”

So the daddy does. Two thirds through the semester the boy calls again and says, “Daddy. Fido is doing great. He is talking up a storm. He is doing so good now they want to teach him how to read. Send me $2500 and I can get him in the class.”

Daddy does it. But at the end of the semester the boy has to go home and take Fido. He knows Fido will not be able to read or talk so he just shoots the dog.
When the boy gets home, his Daddy says, “Where’s the dog? I can’t wait to hear him Read and talk.”

The southern boy says, “Daddy, I’ve got some bad news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room sitting in the recliner like he normally does and he was reading the paper.” The boy says, Fido then asked me, “Is your daddy still messin around with that little red head over there on Cobb Street?”

The daddy said, “Son I hope you shot that lying dog.”

Boy said, “I sure did daddy.”

Daddy said, “That’s my boy.”

[Ed Palmer]

LIFE IN JUST EIGHT THOUGHTS

Why do we swear on the Bible in Court, but not allow the Ten Commandments to be displayed in the same courtroom?
When young we go Skinny dipping. As you get older it is called Chunky dunking.
It would be nice in life if we could press Control, Alt, and Delete and begin again.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then realize you are not asleep.
Children can’t read the Bible in school but Prisoners can in Prison.
If raising Children was easy it would not begin with a word called labor.
Brain cells come and go but Fat cells live on in perpetuity.
Sign up for an exercise class and they tell you to bring loose fitting clothes. But if we had clothes that fitted us loosely, we would never have signed up for the class.

[muck]

Hi folks,

THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!

Think of a letter between A and W.


Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.


Keep going, Don't stop . . .


Think of an animal that begins with that letter.


Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.


Think of either a man's or woman's name that begins with the last
letter in the animal's name


Almost there.........


Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the
hand you are not using to scroll down.


Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you
at face level


Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your
hand.


Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's
name?


Of course they don't.......


Now smack yourself in the head, get a life and quit playing
stupid e-mail games!

[muck]

Software "upgrade"

This went around the Net a few years ago, but is worth a repeat as a reminder to the males who faintly remember it and a warning to those who don¹t.





Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot
of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such
as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!!


Thanks,
A Troubled User.

(KEEP READING)


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:


This is a very, very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.


You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.


The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook
It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.


However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and Diamonds 5.0 ! !


WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Ed Palmer]

Sad News........



Subject: Some sad news

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,

which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

[Phantom Blooper]

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.





Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.


Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing





Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.




So who built those old rutted roads?



Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.



And the ruts in the roads?



Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.


So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.


Now, the twist to the story


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.

The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.


The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.




So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.



And - you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!



:banana:

[CHOPPER7199]

LIVE AND LEARN BLOOPER, GREAT JOB.

[mrbsox]

Sister Mary Kate goes into Mikes pub, and asks for a pint of his best Whiskey.

(in Irish accent)
'Sister Mary Kate, this is no place for you, and why are ye asking for a bit of whiskey'??

It's not for me Mike. It's for medicinal purposes, ya see. The Mother superior is constipated, so I am going to help her out.

Well then Sister, I guess that makes sense. Here ya go, and give my best wishes to the Mother Superior.

So... hours go by and Mike closes down the pub. On the way home he hears some female (drunken) singing coming from an alley. He investigates, and finds Sister Mary Kate, HAMMERED, and laying in the alley.

'SISTER, I thought you said the whiskey was for teh Mother Superior' ??

Ayeeee, and sho it tish my goooood Mikey boy, sho it tis.
Caush when shhhhheeee ssssees me like dis, ssshhhheeees gonnna sh!t !!
:banana::banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row,wearing a tight dress with her breasts almost hanging out.


He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.


When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice: "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"


"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."


"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her breasts.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said.

"You're not plugged in yet."

[Phantom Blooper]

BAPTIZING A DRUNK


A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a


preacher baptizing people in the river.


He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher. The

preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of

alcohol, asked the drunk,


"Are you ready to find Jesus?"


The Drunk answered, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabbed the drunk and


dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him,



"Brother have you found Jesus?"



The drunk replied, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at


the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer. Then again,



he pulled him out and asked,



"Have you found Jesus my brother?"



The drunk again answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the


preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once more, and


held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and


legs, whereupon he pulled him up. The preacher again asked the drunk,



"For the love of God have you found Jesus?"



The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher,



"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

_________________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do......
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the
house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my
foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I
ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying
out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY"..." and she acts like she is asleep every time.

______________________

[CHOPPER7199]

PHANTOM, KEEP, EM COMING, LMAO.

[Phantom Blooper]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

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"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."
__________________________

[Ed Palmer]

You Might Be A Redneck

Never considered myself a “redneck”—until now


REDNECKS...........

Perhaps you have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those.

You might be a redneck if:

X It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

X You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

X You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

X You bow your head when someone prays.

X You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

X You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

X You've never burned an American flag.

X You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

X You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

X You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.

God Bless the USA!

[testforecho2112]

This ones for THATFEMALE!!!!

Just for the AF reference...you know what Im talking about!

Bill


MARINES: Head
ARMY: Latrine
AIRFORCE: Powder Room

MARINES: Rack
ARMY: Cot
AIRFORCE: A Single with ruffle and duvet

MARINES: Chow Hall
ARMY: Mess Hall
AIRFORCE: Cafe'

MARINES: Cammies
ARMY: BDUs
AIRFORCE: Casual Wear

MARINES: Marine
ARMY: Private
AIRFORCE: Bobby or Jimmy

MARINES: Gunny
ARMY: Sarge
AIRFORCE: Bob or Jim


MARINES:Colonel
NAVY: Captain
AIRFORCE: Robert or James

MARINES: Captain's Mast
ARMY: Article 15
AIRFORCE: Time Out

MARINES: Billets
ARMY: Barracks
AIRFORCE: Hilton, Sheraton, Homewood Suites, Hawthorne Suites, Radisson, Hyatt

MARINES: Skivvies
ARMY: Underwear
AIRFORCE: Lingerie

MARINES: Thrown in the Brig
ARMY: Placed in confinement
AIRFORCE: Grounded

[testforecho2112]

How to end the Iraq war

The latest plan to defeat the terrorists is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces. Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Bubba, Booger, Scooter, Slick, Bucky and Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive pickup trucks. They will be given only the following information about the enemy:

1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks,
country music, barbecue, or Jesus.
5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in about a week

[Phantom Blooper]

A Scotsman moves to the USA. Finally attends his
first baseball game. The first batter
approached the batters' box, Took a few swings
and then hits a double. Everyone was on their
feet screaming "Run,".

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listened as the crowd
again cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed
the game and began screaming with the fans. The
fifth batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called "walk." The batter started his
slow trot to first base.

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy
bastard, rrrun!" The people around him began
laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down. A
friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment,
leaned over and explained
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk wi pride, lad, walk wi pride."

[Ed Palmer]

Changes to Holy Communion...
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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Bait.jpg

[thedrifter]

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

[david fox]

During a quiet Sunday in the south a small church was preparing for services when a loud thunder clap suddenly hits the church and the Devil makes an entrance. All of the crowd make for the nearest doors with the exception of an old man sitting in the first bench up front. Puzzled Ol'Slew Foot ask the man if he knew who he was and the power he held? The old man answered in the affirmative. The devil is really puzzled by this answer. Questioning the old man again he ask " if you know who I am and the power I hold why are you not scared of me? The old man answers "easy, I have been married to your sister for over 40 years!".

[Phantom Blooper]

Only at Wal-Mart


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him," My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."



"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.



"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."



So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:



You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epson

Salt. (Aisle 8) And avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks...



...Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.



That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe begins wondering if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:



1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.



...Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Phantom Blooper]

A girl is out on a date, after driving around for sometime her date asks her,

"What do you want to do?"

She replies, "I want to get weighed"

After a lot of looking around, he finally finds a weighing scale, puts in a coin and gets her weight.

After some time he again asks her "what do you want
to do"

Again she replies "I want to get weighed"

This goes on for a couple more times, when the date gets really frustrated & drives her back home & dumps her on her front yard.

The girl goes in & obviously is looking very depressed.


Her mom asks her "How was your date?"

"Wousy"

[Phantom Blooper]

Three Marines have a weeks leave and all decide to bring back something to occupy themselves with over the long boring nights in the barracks.


The first Marine returns with a pack of cards, but they soon get
bored.

The second Marine returns with a chess board, but again they soon
get bored.

The third Marine returns with a great big box of tampons and says,"Jump in."

"Jump in?" the others ask.

"Well" he replies, "It says on the box good for horse riding, tennis
and swimming!!"

[Ed Palmer]

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by
the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board
overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?"
asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

[Ed Palmer]

Leroys

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by
15 kids..."WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the

children rush to find seats.

Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll
need all your children's names."

This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through
the oldest four, ! all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced
to
the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.

Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time
to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when

it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
arunnin.'

An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell
'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin'
them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch?"

I call them by their last names."

[Ed Palmer]

modest sun bathers

















http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image012.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking somewhat worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Ed Palmer]

A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice

on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"

Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied,
"Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid and we're in bed.

What do I do now?"

Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked,"

Did you take your clothes off, too?"

"No." the son replies.

"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."

The son calls back a few minutes later and says,

"We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"

The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, Son, do

I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body

where she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later.

"Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

[Ed Palmer]

You know you need a new lawyer WHEN....


During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you his last good case was a "Budweiser"

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing "Duck-duck-goose"

During the trial, you catch him playing his Gameboy.

A prison guard is shaving your head..

Every couple of minutes, he yells "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and downs a shot.

He frequently gives juror number 4 the finger.

He places a large "NO REFUNDS" sign on the defense table.

He begins his closing with "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Just before he says "Your Honor", he makes little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

The sign in front of his office reads "Practicing law since 2:30pm".

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge "Whatever."

He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs".

[jo_beth]

Once upon a time, a man asked his girl, "Will you marry me?"
She said "No."...........and they lived happily ever after.

[Ed Palmer]

A Marine gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the
frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very
drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the Marine walks away thinking to himself, "I don't
remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[Ed Palmer]

The Radio...







The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. Watch this! he
said...Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie? Willie! He
continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, Beethoven she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said,
Beatles! She'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she
swerved in time to avoid them. *******S! She yelled.....The French
National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore,
backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on
sax.

[Ed Palmer]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed,
“Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”

[Ed Palmer]

Tree Hugger
Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin me." "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day."