Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Dirty Magazines

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[thedrifter]

Bad Books

Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:

'You Were an Accident'

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'

[thedrifter]

Who Said That?

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep
their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

[thedrifter]

The Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

[thedrifter]

Weird Names

One day a little boy asked his father, "how come you named my sister Running Dear?"

So the father answerd his question and said, "when your sister was born I couldn't think of a name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw."

"Oh" said the little boy, "is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?"

The father said to his son "why do you ask that Two Dogs ****ing?"

[thedrifter]

Chldren's Prayer

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[thedrifter]

A Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[sm@@thrider]

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN MANY LANGUAGES

English...........I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai ****e Imasu
Italian.......... Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget
Greek............ S'Agapo
Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian....... Une Te Dua
Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay
Persian....... Du Stet Daram
Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan...... Testimo Molt
American.... Nice Tits

[Ed Palmer]

A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips.." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "You must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Baptist". Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

[thedrifter]

In A Lift

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.'
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'

[thedrifter]

Face Lift

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."

[thedrifter]

Cut-Backs

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

[thedrifter]

Counselling Genious

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[thedrifter]

Pinching

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, 'That will teach you to
pinch!'
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.'
'Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'I did.'

[thedrifter]

Different Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

[thedrifter]

Married For The Money

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died'

'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I donít care where your money came from!'

[thedrifter]

Get Me The Manager

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[thedrifter]

Working Together

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

[Ed Palmer]

Truisms About Love and Sex

Love and sex are perhaps the most perplexing (and entertaining) aspects of the human condition. Here then are a few truisms to help keep things in perspective.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.


The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50 percent what you've got and 50 percent what people think you've got.

Sex is like snow—you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going to last.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Virginity can be cured.

Sex has no calories.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. On Sunday, pray for crop failure.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Sex is a three-letter word that needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired—or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Beauty is skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad—stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

[Ed Palmer]

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)


Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ****-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

[Ed Palmer]

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary,
Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of
feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one
feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman,
one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This
brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two
women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say,
amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers
in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em
all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like
snake"

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile"
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me
sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The Chief said: "No deer.. Ass too high, run too fast.

[thedrifter]

Cheating Husband

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"

[thedrifter]

Furry Present

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[thedrifter]

Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[thedrifter]

Farm Date

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[thedrifter]

Border Questions

An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

Officer: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

Husband: "About one month."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

Officer: "Where are you from?"

Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He says he knows you!"

[thedrifter]

Freudian Slip

Two guys are sitting at a bar talking and one guy asks the other guy, "Man, do you ever have a Freudian slip?"

"What are you talking about?" says the other guy.

"Well I was at the airport the other day and one of the clerks had really big tits, and I meant to say, 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburgh,' but I accidentally said, 'Could I have have two tickets to Titsburgh."

The other guy says, "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about! I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife the other day and I meant to say, 'Could you pass the salt please,' but instead I said, '***** you ruined my life!"

[thedrifter]

Brave Soldier

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first" said the son.

[thedrifter]

New Rifle

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[Ed Palmer]

CONFESSION
A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

DIVORCE
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

SICK
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So, the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So, every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm having sex with her." The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

SO SMALL
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

BACHELOR
Hear about the new household cleaner that just came on the market? It's called "Bachelor." Why? Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

WIFE
A lonely guy placed an ad in the classifieds, it read: "Wife Wanted." The next day, he received more than a hundred letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

SACRIFICE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to decide which person would make the ultimate sacrifice until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

ONE DAY
Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."

CHAPPED LIPS
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the rear. The bartender inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips." "Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?" "No," says the cowboy, "But it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

CANNIBAL
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A: He was buttering up his teacher.

HOW MANY
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

FERTILE
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.

SIX MONTHS
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

COMMERCIALS
Q: How are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word either one says, and they both last about 60 seconds.


PHONE TAG
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

ANNIVERSARY
Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one, 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."

[Phantom Blooper]

"The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

"The farmer shot Chuck."

"That's another story,but that's how my medical problems began!"

Chuck Hall


:) :)

______________________

[Ed Palmer]

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus
flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking
in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare
panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking
at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his
chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you
will."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Smart Wife

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed
your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain . . . do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too

[thedrifter]

Naked Accident

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes" said the girl.

When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat.
"Go and get help" he cried
"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.
"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"

She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter "Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck" The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far"

[thedrifter]

Maths And Logic

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)

[thedrifter]

Three Drunk Women

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[thedrifter]

Shocked Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her — she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach.

[thedrifter]

Virgin's Confession

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-***** yesterday."
" Why did you call him a son-of-a-*****?" the priest asked.
" Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, he took off my clothes."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
" Yes, father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where."
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-*****."
" But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-*****!

[thedrifter]

Great Female Comebacks

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?"

[thedrifter]

Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

[thedrifter]

Dead Husbands

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Ed Palmer]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students,
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family,
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you
say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pixs."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a
minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant.

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to
you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

[Ed Palmer]

HER Side of the Story
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a
cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I
thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised, but he didn't say anything about it.
I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell
there
was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought
we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting
really worried; what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at
me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was really
bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset
with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So, anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn't know what the hell
that meant, because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We
finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I
tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I
said I was going to bed. Then, after about 10 minutes he joined me, and,
to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn't. I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he's seeing someone else.

HIS Side of the Story
Played badly today - shot a 93 - can't putt for shixt! Felt kinda tired.
Got laid though

[Ed Palmer]

DID YOU HEAR THE JAPANESE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A FAST ENOUGH SHUTTER SPEED
THAT YOU CAN NOW TAKE A PICTURE OF A WOMEN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: 3 Labrador Retrievers at the Vet
>
> >> Three male Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one
black
>
> >> were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they
> >> struck up a conversation.
> >>
> >> The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

> >> The brown lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything --the
> >> sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last
> >> night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."
> >>
> >> The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
> >>
> >> Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They
> >> reckon it'll calm me down."
> >>
> >> The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are
you
> >> here?"
> >> The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
> >> flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I
> >> dig up the carpets.
> >> But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my
>
> >> owner's couch."
> >>
> >> So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
> >>
> >> "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

> >>
> >> The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are
you
> >> here?"
> >> I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the
>
> >> cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump
> >> everything I see.
> >>
> >> Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending

> >> down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on

> >> her back and started humping away".
> >>
> >> The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
nuts
> >> off for you too, huh?"
> >>
> >> The black lab said....
> >>
> >> "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Hiking

One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.
The blonde yells to the other blonde "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:
"You are on the other side!"

[thedrifter]

Guessing Game

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."

[thedrifter]

Because I'm Blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[thedrifter]

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

[thedrifter]

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!

[thedrifter]

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little ****er on your knee!"

[thedrifter]

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"

[thedrifter]

Wrong Way

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."

[Ed Palmer]

Stop
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.

[Phantom Blooper]

The Tiny Pianist
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny
piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man,"do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

_________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.


She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely............










A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Phantom Blooper]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a refinery with civil service in Lake Charles,La.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the yankee the job."



Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct.

This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"


The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."




Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"



The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this.


On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know."


You put down, "Neither do I."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Little Fire Engine

>

>Little Fire Engine

>This may make your eyes water for some of you!!!!

>A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed

>a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off

>the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was

>wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and

>her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a

>nice fire truck," he said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied.

>The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the

>wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner,"

>the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if

>you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

>faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right,

>but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Phantom Blooper]

This young SSgt of the Marines in his dress blues is sitting in a neighborhood bar in center City Philadelphia nursing a beer when in walks this stunningly gorgious blonde. She surveys the room, walks over to the bar and takes a seat two stools down from the Marine who is staring admirable with this mouth agape. She smiles at the bartender and orders a gin & tonic. When the adult beverage arrives, she looks over at the gapping Jarhead and raises her glass with a smile. The Marine being the ever-ready young man that he is, salutes her and then ambles over to where she is sitting. He asks her, "Where have you been all of my life?"

She replies, "Hello. I am simply thankful for your service to our country and that is about it."

The Marine asks, "And that is about what?"

The stunning blonde opens her stunning mouth to revean a stunning set of perfect pearly white teeth and says, "Look Sgt, I like the wonderful job that you Marines do but to tell you the truth I am a lesbian."

He says, "What's that?"

"When I get up in moring all I think of being with a woman. As I am getting dressed for work all I can think of is being with a woman. As I am eating breakfast all I can think of is being with a women. As I travel to work all I can think of is being with a women. As I work in my office all I can think of is being with a women. As I eat my lunch all I can think of is being with a woman. As I travel home from work all I can think of is being with a woman. As I eat my evening meal all I can think of is being with a woman. As I prepare for bed all I can think of is being with a woman. The last thing that I think of as I fall asleep is being with a woman." She replies.

The young Marine exclaims,"Hey! Wadda ya know? I must be a lesbian too!!!"

[thedrifter]

Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

[thedrifter]

Sending The Bill

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[thedrifter]

Lawyer's Contribution

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

[thedrifter]

Profesional Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[thedrifter]

Lawyers Q&A

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

[thedrifter]

Godfather's Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[thedrifter]

Don't Tell Mother

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

[thedrifter]

Memories From Court

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[thedrifter]

Darwin Awards 2005


Yes, it’s that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners. Darwin Award Winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

.... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

[thedrifter]

Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

[thedrifter]

Online Too Long

70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".

[thedrifter]

Microsoft VS. GM

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[thedrifter]

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[thedrifter]

New AOL Messages

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

[thedrifter]

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[thedrifter]

Y2k My Ass

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[thedrifter]

Polly Want a WHAT?



This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"

[thedrifter]

What Is A Million Years?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question.

"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

[thedrifter]

It's in the Bible

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He
confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend,
I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS
somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter
and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you
find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[thedrifter]

Priest Golfing

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.

"God dammit, I missed," says the doctor.

The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.

"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain," says the priest.

"I am sorry, Father," replies the doctor.

Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, "God dammit, I missed."

The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.

Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, "Dammit, I missed."

[thedrifter]

Bulletin Bloopers

1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

[thedrifter]

Jesus Tackles The Drug

Jesus and his disciples are sitting around a table discussing the current problem of drugs in todays society, when Jesus decides that the only way to get an understanding of the problem is to actually try the drugs for themselves. So Jesus sends his disciples out to the four corners of the earth to bring back a variety of narcotics for testing.

Several weeks later the first disciple arrives back. There's a knock on the door.

"Peter, you have returned and what have you brought for us."

"My Lord! from Morrocco I have brought some Hash."

"We'll done Peter."

Another knock on the door.

"Simon, what have you brought back from your travels?"

"My Lord! I have brought some Marijuana from the rain forests of Brazil."

Another knock on the door.

"John, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! I have brought cocaine from Columbia"

Another knock on the door.

"James! what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from the mountains of Nepal I've brouht heroin."

Another knock on the door.

"Mathew, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from New York city I have brought some crack."

Then finally there's a knock on the door and Judas arrives. And Jesus asks?

Judas what have you brought?

"The FBI mother****ers, this is a bust."

[Ed Palmer]

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask
the
interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you
see any
active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial
disability."
"May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs
and I
lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does
everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of
my
disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am, but I might as well be
honest with
you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching
our balls
trying to decide what to do first."

[JinxJr]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[Sgted]

ROUTE 22

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State
Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies b two
in the front and three in the back of the car -- wide-eyed and white
as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"