Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Book Reading in Bed


There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "Why are you taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Jokes


Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.

Q: Why does a blonde wear panties?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They are both ****ed when they're on their back.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
A: At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them ****ting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

[thedrifter]

-Monkey


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper : "I'll have a C-monkey please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

[thedrifter]

Wife Not Good In Bed


A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

[thedrifter]

The Bible


There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady."

[thedrifter]

The Code


A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[thedrifter]

Honeymoon


Q: What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?

A: The first, Niagara; the second, Viagra!

[thedrifter]

Scare Me?


A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

[Phantom Blooper]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[OJK]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her,
"but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

;) :banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

Easter Bunny

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says,

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"Hair Spray -Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[thedrifter]

Rich Man, Poor Man


A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.

The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go **** herself."

[thedrifter]

Iron Man Contest


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender how he could win the iron man contest that the bartender was having. The bartender said to the man “First you have to knock the lights out of that biker sitting over there. Then you have to get the Pit bulls sore tooth out that's sitting out in that ally next door. Then there's a Grandma upstairs who hasn't had sex in a long time, I need you to take care of that. So the man walk's over to the biker and knock his light's out. He jogs out into the ally. A big racket resounds out of the ally [trash cans crashing into the wall and loud barking]. The man returns to the bar, his clothes all tattered and scratches on his face. He asks the bartender “What about that grandma with the sore tooth?

[thedrifter]

The Great Bar

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

[thedrifter]

Ham Dinner


A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

[thedrifter]

C-Monkey


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper : "I'll have a C-monkey please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

[thedrifter]

Crazy Drivers


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[thedrifter]

A Close Cut


A really good-looking girl was giving a man a manicure in the barber shop.

"How about a date when you finish work?" he asked.

"I can't" she replied, "I'm married."

"So call up you husband and tell him you're going to visit a sick girlfriend," said the man.

"Why don't you tell him yourself" said the girl, "he's the one shaving you."

[thedrifter]

Favorite Animals


What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

[thedrifter]

College Pride


A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[thedrifter]

Wall-It

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

[thedrifter]

Horth


This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting ****ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

[Sgted]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up! the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in
a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and Idon't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,yanked down his pants,
bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing! so hard!

[thedrifter]

The Blondes Who Finished The Jigsaw Puzzle


A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

[thedrifter]

The Dial"


A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The dial", had the surgery and all was well.

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of all", she continued, "I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee as well."

[thedrifter]

Apartment For Rent


A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for £250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for £250.00 with the following note:


Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Jokes


Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A : You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it becuase the other two are fictional

[thedrifter]

When I Die


Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.

[thedrifter]

Another of Gore's Great Ideas


Vice President Al Gore went to a meeting last week in Washington, D. C. of the Committee on Autistic Youth in America. He was the only one to show up with and easel and paint brushes.

Back in the 60's, one evening while I was watching TV with Tipper in my college dorm, I came up with the idea for creating the character of Austin Powers.

[thedrifter]

No loo paper in the ladies.


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

[thedrifter]

Ten Dollars


Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."

"That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[thedrifter]

Hung


One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

The man calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

[thedrifter]

Accountants and Engineers on a Train


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[thedrifter]

Sweeping


A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

[Phantom Blooper]

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon" The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"

The Italiansays: "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

[thedrifter]

http://www.watchersweb.com/funnyfarm/25593-1f.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

nice picture

[Ed Palmer]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Barton," said Mr. Goldstein,My penis died today, and I
am very sad."
Knowing her patients wereforgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she

replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton. "Mr.
Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
asked Nurse Barton.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Phantom Blooper]

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[Sgted]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."


10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true," exclaimed Daisy, " no bull!


11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."


13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


18. How come that blind guy's right leg is yellow? His dog is blind too!


19. Grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender say "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says " That's stupid. Who'd want a drink named Larry?"

[Ed Palmer]

+ Medical Jokes
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the
lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the
store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a
month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the
register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your
arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know ..
.. I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Then stay off your bike for a week."

[Phantom Blooper]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* "Meow."

[thedrifter]

Ann Landers


Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our eam. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

[thedrifter]

Lawyer Joke / Pearly Gates Joke


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny in Love


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[thedrifter]

No Climbing


A little old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

[thedrifter]

Ham Dinner


A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

[thedrifter]

Blond At the Baseball Game


The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice, but met with no success.

Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

Again the blonde tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. The blonde was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.

Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.

Furious, She stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't Linda!"

[thedrifter]

The Widower Playing Golf


A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[thedrifter]

God Will Provide


A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[thedrifter]

Club


Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognising the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[thedrifter]

Country Politics


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/title.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/text_r1_c1.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/text_r2_c1.gif

[sm@@thrider]

Just thought one for the hell of it, What's the difference between a man and a female? can you tell anymore- females wearing mens clothing and men wearing earings and female clothing.
America land of the free(bullsh*&)

[Ed Palmer]

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships
were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but
that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get
them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was
such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to
buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book
a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned
to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for
three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said,
"Look, I'm not trying to pry.. but, if it makes you sick
.. why do you keep doing it?"

[Ed Palmer]

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships
were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but
that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get
them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was
such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to
buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book
a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned
to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was
delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.
The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for
three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said,
"Look, I'm not trying to pry.. but, if it makes you sick
.. why do you keep doing it?"

[Ed Palmer]

When Van was just a youngster, he went to the chemist and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

The pharmacist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Van paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up!"

[Ed Palmer]

Following on from the extremely popular Training Courses for Women, comes this new program from the same people....

Training Courses Now Available for Men:
=============================

=> 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
=> 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
=> 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
=> 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
=> 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
=> 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
=> 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
=> 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
=> 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
=> 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
=> 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
=> 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
=> 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
=> 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
=> 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
=> 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
=> 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
=> 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
=> 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
=> 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
=> 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
=> 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
=> 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
=> 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
=> 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
=> 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
=> 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
=> 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
=> 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

[Ed Palmer]

Three gays were discussing what they thought their favourite sport would be.
The first guy sighs, "American Football, because of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants."
The second guy sighs, "Wrestling, because of those skimpy little costumes."
The third guy sighs, "Baseball, because I'd be pitching with the bases loaded."
"And..." asked the other two.
The third guy continues, "The batter would hit a ground ball right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, and screaming, 'Throw the ball, you **********!'

And, that's what I like -- the recognition."

[Ed Palmer]

... A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.

One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,

"Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."

[Ed Palmer]

John died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with.
The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. John also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" John assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...

"You can go now, I've found your replacement."

[Ed Palmer]

Two southern girls were sitting on their front porch one evening. One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city. In a heavy southern drawl, she says,
"You know, they have women up there who have sex with other women."
In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?"
"They call them lesbians. "And there's men who have sex with other men,"says the women. "They call them homosexuals."
Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And, they have these men up there that will put their face in a woman's privates and kiss all around...
"Do tell!"gasps her friend, "What do they call them?"

"Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."

[thedrifter]

Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

[thedrifter]

Spanish Dinner

An American tourist visited a small town in Spain.

The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel.

Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner.

He suggested the "cojones".

The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today."

He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests.

The tourist found them to be very tasty.

The next night he again ordered them for dinner.

The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly.

The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before.

The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!"

[thedrifter]

Demand For A Raise

"Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."

[thedrifter]

Millionair's Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

[thedrifter]

Twenty Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Dress


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[thedrifter]

Reach the Doorbell


A priest was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy struggling to reach the doorbell. He walked up the driveway and pushed the bell for him.

"Now what" He asked

"Now we run like heck" was the reply.

[thedrifter]

Paying Attention?


A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

[thedrifter]

Blonde Jokes


Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!

Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn!!

[thedrifter]

Yo mama so ugly...


Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma so ugly, she wasn’t beat with the ugly stick…the whole forest fell on her.
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like **** because he would rather kiss her ass.
Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

[thedrifter]

Favorite Animals


What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

[thedrifter]

Slow Down vs. Stop


One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer."

[thedrifter]

College Pride


A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[thedrifter]

Income Tax & Heaven


One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

[thedrifter]

Farm Fugitives


A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

[thedrifter]

Hot Air


What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

One's a Goodyear and one's a GREAT year.

[thedrifter]

Alphabet Soup - Joke of the Day
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[thedrifter]

Popularity Is A Relative Term


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

[thedrifter]

Rectum


Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

[thedrifter]

Thigns


In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

[thedrifter]

Gore Quotes


- Al Gore, July 1999

Great quotes by our wonderful VP.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history, I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
--Vice President Al Gore
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
--Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
--Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore (Ed note. Hmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

[thedrifter]

Bad Sound


Taxying down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[thedrifter]

Country Breakfast


A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[thedrifter]

Twins


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[thedrifter]

Baby Chickens


A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

[thedrifter]

What Is Sex?


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[thedrifter]

Good Doggie


One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill."What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

[Ed Palmer]

IRAQI CELL PHONE

INSTRUCTIONS ( PULL PIN HOLD TO EAR LISTEN FOR DIAL TONE)
AT THE TONE THROW AWAY

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/1012.jpg

[thedrifter]

Sent to me by Chopper7199

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:" So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

[Phantom Blooper]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar.

While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

"Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,
lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[thedrifter]

Pinching

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, 'That will teach you to
pinch!'
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.'
'Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'I did.'

[thedrifter]

Best Kept Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

[thedrifter]

New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".

[thedrifter]

Different Father

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

[Ed Palmer]

SIGNS

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee!
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push"
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************! ************




On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************



In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Res! taurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
** ************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best! place in town to take a leak."

[thedrifter]

Bush In Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[thedrifter]

Begging For It

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

[thedrifter]

Hole In The Fence

Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

[thedrifter]

3 Times Robbery

An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively.

"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.

"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

[thedrifter]

Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

[thedrifter]

Spanish Dinner

An American tourist visited a small town in Spain.

The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel.

Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner.

He suggested the "cojones".

The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, "Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today."

He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests.

The tourist found them to be very tasty.

The next night he again ordered them for dinner.

The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly.

The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before.

The waiter said, "You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!"

[Ed Palmer]

Order in the Court . . .

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done
that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing
made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy
that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April
Fool!" ..

And that's when I shot the little bastard...

[Ed Palmer]

EVERYTHING A LADY NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT A MAN

http://www.kerman94.com/fartguide.htm

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/zticketschool.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/suicidebomber.jpg

[thedrifter]

placing in for sm@@thrider



http://www.kerman94.com/fartguide.htm

[thedrifter]

Mixed Family

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[thedrifter]

Smell The Fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[thedrifter]

Letters To Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bathe the children until it is
cleared.


2. I want some repairs done to my stove
as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there
is a smell coming from the man next
door.


4. I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is running away from the wall.


5. I request your permission to remove
my drawers in the kitchen.


6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half
and is now in three pieces.


7. Will you please send someone to mend
our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my
wife tripped on it and is now
pregnant.


8. Will you please send a man to look
at my water, it is a funny color and
not fit to drink.


9. Would you please send a man to
repair my downspout. I am an old
page pensioner and need it straight
away.


10. When the workmen were here they put
their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please
send men with clean tools to finish
the job and keep my wife happy.

[thedrifter]

Going Out

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

[thedrifter]

Pretty Sick Man

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his
bed. and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've
found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a
combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under
the door."

[thedrifter]

Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

[thedrifter]

Light Bulb

A factory foreman is walking through the work area, and notices that Kawolski isn't at his station.

He asks one of the other workers if they know where Kawolski is, and the employee points straight up in the air. The foreman looks up, and there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.

"Get down from there, Kawolski," he yells, to which Kawolski replies, "But I'm a light bulb!"

The boss is -NOT- impressed, and makes Kawolski climb down and get back to work.

About an hour later, the boss is walking through the factory once again, and once again he notices that Kawolski is missing. On a hunch, he looks up, and again sees Kawolski hanging by one arm from the rafters.

The foreman makes him climb down, and chews him out, saying that if he catches Kawolski up there one more time, he's going to get fired.

Another hour later, the boss is making another round, and sure enough... there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.

"That's it, Kawolski," he yells. "You're FIRED!"

Kawolski climbs down, and grabs his lunchbox. As he gathers his belongings, all of the other employees stop working, and begin to empty their lockers as well.

"What's going on?" the foreman asks. "The rest of you had better get back to work right now!"

One of the employees turns to the forman and says, "Sorry boss, but we aren't working without any lights."

[Ed Palmer]

New American
A Pakistani arrives in New York City.
All excited, he stops the first person he meets.

Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice
country,
and...

The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Japanese.
"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another
passer-by:

Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence:
I no be American, I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by:

"Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."

But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not
American"

He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him.
Thank
you for letting me come to your beautiful country", but he says, "I'm
not
an
American, I'm a Mexican"

But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans??"

The Mexican looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they all work 'til
5PM...

[Ed Palmer]

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[thedrifter]

Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."


Ellie

[thedrifter]

My Brother's Driving

Two guys were out joy riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained, and the driver said "Don`t worry, that's the way my brother drives."

Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained, and again the driver distinctly replied "Don't worry! that`s the way my brother drives!"

A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed "What are you doing, the light is green?!"

The driver said, "Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way."

[thedrifter]

Welcome To Oz

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem!" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"

Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard its true." says the Wizard. "Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"

George W. bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a brain".

"Done" says the Wizard.

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to the emerald city?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

[thedrifter]

Cold Water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

[thedrifter]

The Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The bartender asks "So, what happened to your leg?"
The pirate says "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off."

"Oh," said the bartender,"what happened to your hand?"

The pirate replies, "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword."

The bartender then asked,"Well what happened to your eye?"

The pirate answered, "Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye."

"And that caused your eye to be put out?," asked the bartender.

To this the pirate said,"No, first day with me hook!"

[thedrifter]

New Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[thedrifter]

Free Haircut

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the
hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies,
"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house"
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon
for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You
don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of
the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a
haircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask
you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.

When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by
magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

[LDO Capt]

And one for all of us swinging with the Wing:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the
middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What
time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an
Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes
to "Happy Hour."

[Ed Palmer]

My how young the girls learn

Kid Joke
My two and a half year old grandson lives with his mother. Her roommate
also has a two and a half year old child, a daughter. A few days ago they
were playing together and my grandson noting that his playmate's stomach
was exposed ,took his forefinger and poked her belly button. She thought
that this was great and they both had a laugh about it.

Sometime later his playmate raised her arms inviting my grandson to poke
her belly button again. As he moved his forefinger toward her for a repeat
performance, she suddenly lowered her arms, backed away and said, "No! I
have a headache."

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/3322.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/33171.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Priceless9.jpg

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: **Southern_People**!







> These all make sense to me....
> I LOVE being Southern!
> _____
> Only a Southerner knows the difference between a
> hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't
> "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
> _____
> Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
> turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
> _____
> Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
> general direction of "yonder."
> _____
> Only a Southerner knows exactly how! long "directly" is
> -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
> _____
> Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
> not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
> that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
> table.
> _____
> All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
> might not use the term, but they know the concept
> well.
> _____
>
> They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
> _____
> Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the
> difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
> white trash.
> _____
> No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
> the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
> turn.
> _____
> A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
> a verb, or an adverb.
> _____
> Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
> We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
> "in line," we talk to everybody!
> _____
> Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
> discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
> _____
> Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
> _____
> Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
> _____
> Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
> grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
> eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
> green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
> _____
> When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
> lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
> genuine Southerner!
> _____
> Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
> milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
> of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
> milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
> _____
> And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
> obscenities at little old
> ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
> "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
> _____
> To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
> your Southerness:
> Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
> call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
> _____
> And to those of you who are still having a hard time
> understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
> hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
> Southernness as a second language!
> _____
> And for those that are not from the South but have
> lived here for a long
> time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
> that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as
> fast as I could."

[Phantom Blooper]

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. After riding the bike around a little while he said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you."

___________________________

[thedrifter]

The Photographer

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

[thedrifter]

The Experiment

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organize the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.



A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up" The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since." They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his arse and shouts: "SUPPLIES!!"

[thedrifter]

Doctor's Love

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[thedrifter]

Duck Expert

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'

[thedrifter]

Train Sit

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out of the window."

[thedrifter]

10 Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[thedrifter]

12 Year Old Whisky

dude walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "I want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says : "Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 years old."
The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "Bartender, I do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !"
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs,
" Ah, now that's the real thing. "
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. :
"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."...
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like ****!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah sure, now how old am I ?"

[thedrifter]

That's Not It!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

[thedrifter]

All Strung Out

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[thedrifter]

Cheap Cruise

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[Ed Palmer]

~ Please help ~

My dear friends,

I have a small favor to ask. I have friends from Pakistan who are camping their way around the States. They asked me if I knew where they might be able to go without spending a large amount of money on camp grounds. I told them that I would ask my friends and family for help in accommodating them.
In their travels, they bring all of their own camping gear, and only require a small place to set up camp. I have given them your name and address in anticipation that you won't mind allowing them to camp on your property.
They drive green and white Mercedes and I have inserted a picture to help identify them when they show up.

Thanks in advance; I knew I would be able to count on you .
ED


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/pakistan.jpg

[Phantom Blooper]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon, one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West, in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Would you give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.


"Will that make me a bettergunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a bettergunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the oldtimer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing his mama's favorite song, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much!"

[Phantom Blooper]

Guy goes to the dentist with a toothache!

The dentist examies the guy, and tells him, "That tooth has GOT to come out! Let me give you a shot!"

Guy holds the dentist at bay, and say, "No way! There's no way you're going to give me a shot in my mouth!"

Dentist says, "Alright! We'll use laughing gas!"

Guy says to the dentist! "Nope! Uh-uh! No Way! That stuff makes me sick for two or three day's afterward! You've got to find something else!"

The dentist leave the room, comes back with a Dixie cup of water and a pill! "What's that?" the guy asks! "Viagra!" says the dentist!

Viagra? That's good for pain to?" "No!" says the dentist! "But, it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull that damn tooth!"

[thedrifter]

Brave Guide

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."

[thedrifter]

Scarry Landing

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[thedrifter]

Motor Bullies

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[thedrifter]

Free Almonds

The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times.
After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves.
She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They can not chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled. Where upon the lady answers,
"We just love to lick the chocolate around them".

[thedrifter]

Last Request

The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells.

He said to the inmate, "I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"

The prisoner thought a moment and he said, "I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die."

They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. "I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?"

The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, "Could you PLEASE kill me first?"

[thedrifter]

Smelling Nice

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound"...

[thedrifter]

Happy Soldiers

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

[thedrifter]

Diving Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[Ed Palmer]

THIS IS KIND OF SLOW BUT GOOD ,.GIVE IT A FEW SECONDS

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/2006.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

Short Story

A girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her
college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss:

Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: really short chuckle



Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at their church. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."



Her companion replied "I know -- I heard it snore three times."

[Phantom Blooper]

BUBBA HAS A CASE!


Down south, Bubba called his attorney and ask, "Is it true they's suing' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes Bubba, sure is true," responder the lawyer

"And now someone is suing' them fast food restaurants fer making' them fat an' clogging their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, "is that true Mista Layer?"

"Sure is Bubba"

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee she ordered?"

"Yep"

"And that football player sued that university when he grageated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right" said the lawyer, "But why are you asking?"

"Well I was thinkin'...."What I want to know is , kin I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I slept with?"

[Ed Palmer]

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in
> the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two
> little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen
> window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed
> his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face
> into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood
> laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a
> panic.
>
> "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she
> says as she shook the older boy in anger.
>
> "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was
> baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the
> hole-he-goes.

[Ed Palmer]

FREE KITTENS

I'm desperately searching for an animal lover, trying to help out a
friend get rid of the last 3 of a litter of kittens.

She lives close to the Glen Rose nuclear power plant. Please look and see if any of these little guys touch your heart.

We really need to find a good home for them. Thanks so much for your help


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image001.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image002.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image003.jpg

[Phantom Blooper]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.


But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.



After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.


"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.


"Well," said the wife coldly,

"You're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[Ed Palmer]

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together
discussing (bragging) how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your
Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her a subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied,male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, the women say, 'Oh my God'....."

[sm@@thrider]

Baseball




> A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at
work.
> Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband
> came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy
now
has
> company.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
>
> Man: "Yes it is."
>
> Boy: "I have a baseball."
>
> Man: "That's nice."
>
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>
> Man: "No, thanks."
>
> Boy: "My dad's outside."
>
> Man: "OK, how much?"
>
> Boy: "$250."
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's
lover
> are in the closet together.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
>
> Man: "Yes, it is."
>
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>
> Man: "How much?"
>
> Boy: "$750."
>
> Man: "Fine."
>
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go
> outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The
> father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000."
The
> father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That
is
> way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church
and
> make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest
and
> makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

>
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
> The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

[Ed Palmer]

Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extremer look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!!

[Phantom Blooper]

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. Admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN

[Phantom Blooper]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M
University has invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from
pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a
large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked
the $hit out of him.

[Ed Palmer]

Fishin wid Boudreaux

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boudreaux been fishin' down by de bayou all day an he
done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to
leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he
decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he
had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up
behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and
wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm tryin' to get
hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip
on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog
and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat
he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good,
but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his
bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat
snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body
go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de
bayou, Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his
barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere dat water
moccasin was, wif two more frogs.
__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Story of geese


A city man went on vacation in the autumn for a color tour in the midwest. Stopping one night at a small tavern for a meal and a beer, he regaled the waitress with tales of his adventures and his amazement not only about the beautiful colors, but about how many flocks of geese he'd seen flying south for the winter.
The gray haired tavern owner came over and said, "Yup, those geese are amazing creatures."
"How do you mean?" asked the man.
"Well," the owner explained as he pulled out a chair. "That 'V' formation they fly in is something they evolved over tens of thousands of years to allow them to go further distances when they migrate."
"Really?" asked the man.
"Yup," said the owner. "The strongest flyer would take the point, and the other geese would fall in formation in his airstream to allow them to relax a bit and not have to work so hard."
"That's amazing," said the man.
"Yup," the owner went on. "And when the point man got tired, he'd fall back and another, well rested goose would take over the point."
"Wow," said the man. "I never knew that."
"And did you notice," the owner asked, "that one leg of that 'V' was always longer than the other?"
"Well now that I think about it, yes I did," said the man. "Why is that?"
"Well," the owner grinned as he got up. "It's got more geese in it."

[Ed Palmer]

Gulp...

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it costs nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice......

.....So I switched the heads."

[Ed Palmer]

Catholic Surgery


A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I have only a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Ed Palmer]

Fishing Is Better

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20 cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[Ed Palmer]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/3220.jpg

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a midget in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to
examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left one and told the midget to turn his head and cough -- the usual method to check
for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right one, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.


The midget was so scared he was afraid to look so he stared at the ceiling, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still
ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his groin area was no longer aching.

The midget said, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it ... What did you do?"


The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots."
_____________________________

[Ed Palmer]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle
to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political
stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate
than that."

[Ed Palmer]

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper
> > for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his
> > speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to
> > make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around
to
> > writing out the ticket.
> >
> > As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies
> > that were buzzing around his head.
> >
> > The cowboy said, "Having some problem with circle
> > flies there, are ya?"
> > The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well
> > yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
> >
> > So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on
> > ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost
> > always found circling around the back end of a horse."
> >
> > The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
> > ticket.
> >
> > Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you
> > trying to call me a horse's ass?"
> >
> > The cowboy says, "Oh no, trooper. I have too much
> > respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a
horse's
> > ass."
> >
> > The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes
> > back to writing the ticket.
> >
> > After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool
> > them flies though."

[Ed Palmer]

The Fly's Story




Don't do anything just watch.
You have to wait a few moments before it starts. Just sit back and enjoy, no scrolling. just relax and watch and read along
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_000c01c544893e4d7880d3286744yourxhtr8hvc4p.gif

[sm@@thrider]

That was good Ed, still liked the Irish (sperm) bank robbery

[Ed Palmer]

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe
whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age,
a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After
a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower; his
wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days
later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black..."

[Ed Palmer]

Getting Even


>
> One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
> sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
> matted down We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
> the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
>
> The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
> when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK,
> but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it
> was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
>
> My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband
> "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each
> other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the
> last word on this occasion.
>
> The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located
> next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to
> see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen
> my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice
> said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells
> like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who
> the father is!" And he closed the door.
>
> Now, THAT, my friends, is getting even...
>

[Ed Palmer]

I LOVE MUSTARD

(This is a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said... "Now you know why they call that mustard..."Poupon."

When you stop laughing, pass it on.

[Phantom Blooper]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists ons peaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.


"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!"


The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,this check is only made out for $50."


"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."


"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."


_______________________

[Phantom Blooper]

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the t! owel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck?

THAT'S how you wave a towel!

[Phantom Blooper]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'a$$'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your a$$ it won't be Cheerios."

____________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter.

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says "No Mexican Jews!"

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.

"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews.

[Phantom Blooper]

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
Whitey could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Ozzie, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But, on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Ozzie's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Ozzie had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Whitey was so proud of Ozzie, he entered him in the county fair ...
and ... Ozzie became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Ozzie the "No Bell Piece Prize" but
they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Ozzie was a Democrat. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them?

[Ed Palmer]

This is for all of you youngsters out there
The key is never never ever get in a hurry














http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Smoke.jpg

[Phantom Blooper]

A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go **** in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

[Phantom Blooper]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my

money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out

shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my

money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out

shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my

money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out

shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

________________________

[Phantom Blooper]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the **** have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my

money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out

shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[sm@@thrider]

some one have amnesia, maybe from all the sun in N.C? LOL

[Ed Palmer]

Should kids see childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
3-year old girl ,to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about
what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place....smack his ass again."

[Ed Palmer]

Originally posted by sm@@thrider
some one have amnesia, maybe from all the sun in N.C? LOL


no he proably thought there was a lot of blond polocks out there and he had to repeat it several times. I like his kind of thinking

[Phantom Blooper]

I was doing like marinefamily5 in that other thread getting my point across. I like spending that kind of hundred bucks! LOL! S/F Chuck Hall

[Ed Palmer]

New Virus

Be sure to follow this procedure...

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from
your
colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch
it
under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life
completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two
friends
and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from
your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should
you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already
infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is
the
case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then
retry to send this on.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm
headed
for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to be safe.

[Ed Palmer]

A retired Navy Chief and a retired Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant were sitting at the stag bar arguing about which had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Iwo Jima, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out two enemy machine gun positions with grenades. I was wounded and evacuated to the States where I spent 7 months in the hospital."

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea with Chesty Puller at the Chosin Reservoir. I made the long march to Hung Nam and later landed at Inchon. I spent two years in combat under constant enemy fire. I was wounded again and awarded a Bronze Star for saving my Company Commander."

"Finally, as a Gunnery Sergeant I had two back-to-back combat tours in Vietnam with the Infantry. I humped through the mud and razorgrass for up to 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, dodging sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. I was involved in more firefights than I can count where we fired until our ammunition was gone and then charged the enemy with bayonets. When I retired from the Corps I was awarded 80% disability by the Veterans Administration."

Looking straight ahead the old Chief said nothing. Then, after a deliberately long, slow drink, he retorted "It figures...all friggin' shore duty!"

[Ed Palmer]

SKIRTING THE LAW
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two Prostitutes, $50." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So, they took their sign down and the next day there they were driving around town with a new sign which read, "Two Angels Seeking Peter, $50."

[Ed Palmer]

Two new Marines walking along the street on pass, noticed a car stuck in a mud-filled ditch. A drill sergeant, identifiable by his 'Smokey the Bear' hat, was attempting to free the vehicle by himself.
"Say, isn't that our drill instructor!" asked one of the group.
"Hey, it is," remarked another. "Think we should give him a hand."
"Naw," replied the first trainee. "If he really wants his car out of the ditch, he'll order it out."

[Ed Palmer]

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey," she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shxt!"

[Ed Palmer]

Emotion Party
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people,
telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts
"Theme Party: Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives. He opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what
emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather bow
wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow,
great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies,"I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it! Come on in and join the
party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings for the third time,
and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark
naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other
with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested
for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this
supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****in'
discustid, and my friend here has come in dis'pair."

[Ed Palmer]

You Know GRITS ...


Girls
Raised
In
The
South





Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
Drinking straight out of a can.
Not sending thank you notes.
Velvet after February.
White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls know the three types of school:
Ballroom,
Ballet,
Charm.

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
Dewy skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable, Southern drawl.

Southern girls know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your mother?"
"Love your hair."

Southern girls don't sweat....they glisten.

Southern girls know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern girls have more fun than should be allowed.

Southern girls know their three R's:
Rich
Richer
Richest

Southern girls know their vacation spots:
The Beach
The Beach
The Beach

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Wide brimmed hats
Strapless sun dresses

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Gone With the Wind
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias

Southern girls know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern girls know the seasons:
Recruiting
Spring Training
Practice
Football
Needlework

Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
GRITS
Country ham
Mouth watering homemade biscuits

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Richmond
Charleston
Savannah
Birmingham
Nawlins'
NASHVILLE ...

Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos.
Rhett Butler, of course.

Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls can teach anyone to flirt ...
Slowly lower your eyelashes.
Listen carefully to everything he says.
Speak r-e-a-l slow.

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair
Bad manners
Bad blind dates

Southern girls know men may come and go,
but friends are fo'evah!

G irls
R aised
I n
T he
S outh

Now you run along, Sugah,
and please send this to some other

[thedrifter]

Best Kept Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

[thedrifter]

Speeding Blonde

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

[thedrifter]

Final Words

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[thedrifter]

Because I'm Blonde?

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[thedrifter]

Stuck In The Hotel

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[thedrifter]

Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

[thedrifter]

Marine Math

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some
of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.
During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander,
whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary
Marine Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
Puller asked for another count and got the same answer "Many,
many Chinese!"
"Gawd-dam&$t!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the
radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got
up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole ****load of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed Puller, "at least there's someone up
there who knows how to count!

[thedrifter]

Deep Thoughts

Why are they calledapartments if they are joined together?

An archaeologist is a besthusband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he isin her.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doingwell.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleepduring the day?

I love being married. It’s so great to find thatspecial person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Anyonewho thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bedwith a mosquito.

I wear my wife’s glasses because she wants me to seethings her way.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and theworld laughs louder.

[thedrifter]

Condoms Types

1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...
6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!
11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?

[thedrifter]

Good And Great Friends

A good friend will bail you out of jail.

A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"

[thedrifter]

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

[thedrifter]

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a **** if you live to be
80?"

[thedrifter]

Who is God?

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

[thedrifter]

Weddings

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"

[Ed Palmer]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency
called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. When
everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the
benefits of having fun,
told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting
was to have a quick
contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only
rule was that they
had to use past ad slogans, originally written for
other products that
captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions and created
a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for everyone.

The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

[Ed Palmer]

A Missouri Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farm house door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot..... "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked
politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[thedrifter]

Terrible Smell

One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud! The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.

"I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage", she said.

"Oh, that's alright", said the George, "for a minute there I thought it was the horse!"

[thedrifter]

Bush In Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[thedrifter]

Bastard

Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says "bastard" written in ****. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?" And Bill says, "What's the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill yells, "That dirty no good son of a *****!!!!! What's the worse news?" So the agent says, "It was Hillary's handwriting..."

[thedrifter]

Shark Fishing

One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.

When he arrives in his popemobile he sees a man strugling for his life aginst a shark.

Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry.

Horrified he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr Kerry, with GW and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Checny leans over and pulls him out. Then George W, and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats.

The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach.

The pope said to the men,

"I know that there has been alot of attention and alot of strif in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings"

Then the pope packs off and drives out of site.

Bush asks, "Who was that?"

"That was the pope Mr President, he is all knowing and in touch with god. Leader of the Chatholic Church" Said Dick.

Bush says, "Well thats all neat and fine, but he dosent know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?"

[thedrifter]

Clintons At a Yankees Game

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.

President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.

The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

[Ed Palmer]

Having a baby.........




Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they
rush
to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are
crying
and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy
child
as theirs. Isn't it wonderful?" Adam says to Steve. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[Ed Palmer]

The Parrot


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little
hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is
delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should
tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a erection and fell off my perch!"

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
If this doesn ' t make you laugh, you're having a really bad
day!!

[Phantom Blooper]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,
"I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."



"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.


"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."


"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."


After a moment she asked, blushing,

"Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"


"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."


"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."


"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

.
"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.


"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."



"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.


"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.


The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!

Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"


"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."


"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.


Madam? Madam? Good Lord,
she's fainted!!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

[thedrifter]

No Longer Privates

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

[thedrifter]

Duck Hunting

A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,

"Afternoon sir", the ranger says, "You got an Alabama duck hunting license"?

"Yes I do", the redneck replies.

The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, "Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?"

"Yes I do sir" , the redneck says,

So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, "well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?"

"Yes I do sir" the good ole boys says.

"Well dang son where you from?" the ranger says.

The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:

"Well you tell me buddy!"

[thedrifter]

Vacation Advice

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

[thedrifter]

Pilot Brothers

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[thedrifter]

Deer Hunters

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

[thedrifter]

A Redneck's Kindness

An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, "Is that Jesus?" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, "Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay."

A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, "Hey... is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, "Give 'im a cup of tea... on me."

A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, "Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?" The waitress says, "Sure is." So, the Redneck says, "Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab."

Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door.

Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door.

Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, "Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!"

[thedrifter]

Redneck Mom's Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma

[Phantom Blooper]

In their garden one day. The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

****************************************

[thedrifter]

Heaven's Test

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[thedrifter]

Texas Justice

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

[thedrifter]

No Need To Pay

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

[thedrifter]

Robbing Lawyers

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

[thedrifter]

Lawyer Marriage

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Nookie

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one

month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green
every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three Hail Mary's."


Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been

two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green

twice a week for the last two months"

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall

upon her as she slowly walks up the aisle and sits down right in front

of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny

emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in

the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly apart.


The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"


The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."

[Phantom Blooper]

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?"

The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."

The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"

The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."

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[thedrifter]

Leaving The Convent

In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
"Mother, I want to quit the veil."
"But why, my child?"
"To become a prostitute."
"What? What are you saying?"
"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother."
"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"

[thedrifter]

Biblical Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''

[thedrifter]

Beggars In Mexico

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?

[thedrifter]

Relatively

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[thedrifter]

All The Same

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.

"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"

"Oh!"

They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.

"What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.

"That was for the Titanic!"

"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."

[thedrifter]

Rabbi In A Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

[thedrifter]

Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would
name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

[thedrifter]

What Is Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school
said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all
aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes,
but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

[thedrifter]

Hole In The Fence

Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

[thedrifter]

Having A Puppy

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says: "They are Making a puppy". So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies: "Making a baby". The little boy says: "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!"