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thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:04 AM
Drinking Jet Fuel For A Buzz


A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz." So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up. But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?" "I feel great!" replied Bill. "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!" "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "What?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, don't, because I'm in Melbourne!"

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:04 AM
Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:04 AM
The Iowan Purchases A Chain Saw


A Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:05 AM
Call Girls


One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:05 AM
Drunk Guy In Confessional


A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:05 AM
Is The Dog Dead?


A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:05 AM
Blonde and Pizza


A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:06 AM
Labor


In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet anotherone to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:06 AM
Laying down the law


A man and a woman are getting married tomorrow. The man's father pulls him into the other room and tells the groom, "Son, from the very beginning you have to make sure your wife knows who is the boss."

On their honeymoon, the wife comes into the room dressed very seductively. The husband throws his pants at her and tells her to put them on.

The wife says "I will never be able to fit in these, they are much too big." He responds "Exactly, now you know who wears the pants in the family."

She is very distraught as she runs into the bathroom. Moments later, she comes back out and throws her petite sized underwear at him and tells him to put them on.

He exclaims "These would never fit, I can't get into these."

She responds "EXACTLY!!"

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:06 AM
Perfection


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.





So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:07 AM
Anything


A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:07 AM
Playing House


A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Ed Palmer
03-09-05, 07:07 AM
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Ed Palmer
03-09-05, 04:46 PM
Now stay with me and up on the curb here, don't get off in the gutter,

do not let the lust of the eyes forsake you.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitledbbbb.bmp



Scroll on down to the bottom...





Here it comes, now stay with me...




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/nnn.bmp

Ed Palmer
03-09-05, 05:35 PM
SOME PEOPLE DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE POOR
HERES A POOR GUY IN HIS BEST WALLMART SUIT.
MARTHA STEWART OUGHT TO GET THIS FOR A NEW LINE OF CLOTHES JUST FOR THE POOR AND HOMLESS IT COULD BE LIKE A UNIIFORM FOR THE HOMELESS.



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitledgggg.bmp

Ed Palmer
03-09-05, 06:22 PM
THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU WANNA BE, S
GET A TATOO LIKE THIS AND LOOK LIKE YOU ARE CARRYING
A WEAPON


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/tatoo.bmp

Ed Palmer
03-10-05, 08:09 AM
WORDS WOMEN USE

******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER

This is a word women use when they want to say F**k Off!


Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid, if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:00 PM
Going Out

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:00 PM
Mixed Family

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:00 PM
Indian Names

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:01 PM
Michael Jackson- Boyz2men

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a
phone call to Boyz-2-Men?

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:01 PM
Michael Jackson- Boat Trip

Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink.
The captain announced, "Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!" Michael asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "**** the children!"
Michael looked around eagerly and asked, "Do we have time?"

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:02 PM
Michael Jackson- Sex Problems

Q: What's the worst thing about having
sex with Michael Jackson?

A: When the crib breaks.

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:02 PM
Sex Is No Excuse!

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:02 PM
Unlucky day

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.
“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”

thedrifter
03-10-05, 05:03 PM
22 Things Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Ed Palmer
03-10-05, 06:55 PM
Concerned about who’s voting?



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and always has),she
shook her head and ! said,"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
.........She votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
. . . . . He also votes!

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible,
but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
. . . . . . She also votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
. . . . . . . My sister also votes!

My friends and I were on a root beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount
. . . . He also votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
. . .
........My friend also votes!

My wife and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week
and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk
didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more
expensive. My wife got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's
the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To
this, ! the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey." . .
......The clerk also votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?".
......She also votes!

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:13 AM
Yo mama so...


Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed.
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo momma has no ears.... I seen the ***** trying on sunglasses.
Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma twice the man you are.
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
Yo momma grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS ****"
Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her **** was too busy.
I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs"
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive.
Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does back flips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip.
Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick.
Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!
Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.
Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea.
Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her.
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma so nasty even her Sure deodorant is confused.
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing.
Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
Yo momma like castle bury stew: servings are family size .
Yo momma like a carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
Yo momma like a squirrel, she’s always got nuts in her mouth.
Yo momma like McDonalds, billions and billions served.
Yo momma like birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma is like train tracks, she gets laid all over the place.

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:13 AM
Blonde Jokes


Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A : You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it becuase the other two are fictional

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:13 AM
Tag Sale


Preparing for a tag sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the tag sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar.

"This is a great deal," he said excitedly." It still has the plastic on it." Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:14 AM
Perfect Woman


The Perfect Woman would say:
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the ****ing mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:16 AM
Got a Driver


Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:16 AM
Jump !


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you. "So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it. "So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:16 AM
Lunch


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:17 AM
Perfect Golf Shot For The Wife


Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"

Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

thedrifter
03-11-05, 06:17 AM
Overpopulation of Nerds


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Ed Palmer
03-11-05, 07:08 AM
FINALLY, VINDICATION FOR THE WAY I SPELL.....M ......





Typoglycemia



Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can
read it.





I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig ! to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the
wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorantt.

yellowwing
03-11-05, 07:51 AM
Tahts fcuikng amznaig!

Tnahks Ed! ;)

HardJedi
03-11-05, 10:39 AM
:D

Ed Palmer
03-11-05, 11:03 AM
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right! , war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own p ew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Ed Palmer
03-11-05, 11:04 AM
thats not a self portrait is it

Ed Palmer
03-11-05, 02:36 PM
Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Sgted
03-11-05, 02:53 PM
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Sgted
03-11-05, 02:56 PM
POOR ETHEL:
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding Captain Happy in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:40 AM
Cigars For The Judge


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:40 AM
The Sin Of Lying


A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:41 AM
Marriage Report


Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:41 AM
Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce


Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:41 AM
Nursing Home


John took his elderly father to a nursing home to have a routine check out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A doctor came by and said, "Come, let me help you." The doctor piled several pillows on the left side for the old man so he could stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. A nurse noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a attendant came by and piled several more pillows in front of him.

About this time, John returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"

His father replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:42 AM
Little Flasher


There was an exhibitionist that wanted to flash someone. He went to the airport and looked around. He saw a young lady taking tickets and he went to the end of the line. When he got to the front, he opened his jacket and flashed her.

She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:42 AM
Totally Useless Facts:


The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.

Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.

The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from NIKE annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.

Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.

Ham radio operators got the term "ham" coined from the expression "ham fisted operators," a term used to describe early radio users who sent Morse code (i.e., pounded their fist).

The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.

Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.

Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.

Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.

Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.

The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.

The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.

The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun.

The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikim aungahoronuk-
upokaiwhenuakitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA."

Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.

When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.

A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:42 AM
Women Vs. Men


Why are men so happy?

Because ignorance is bliss.

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:42 AM
Superman


It's Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.

Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked lying with her legs apart.

Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her, and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.

At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "did you hear something?"

"Nope," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:43 AM
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex


It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

The protective equipment is reusable.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

Periods last only 20 minutes.

A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

Your parents cheer when you score.

You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

thedrifter
03-12-05, 07:43 AM
The Talented Octopus


A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Sgted
03-12-05, 10:25 AM
Calling in sick...



A woman calls her boss one morning and tells

him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today!"

Sgted
03-12-05, 10:28 AM
Subject: CHINESE SICK LEAVE -
"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.....

You got nice house."

Sgted
03-12-05, 10:33 AM
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.



She turned to the cowboy and

asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life

breaking colts, working cows,

going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,

bailing hay, doctoring calves,

cleaning my barn, fixing flats,

working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,

so I guess I am a cowboy."





She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my

whole day thinking about women. As soon

as I get up in the morning,

I think about women. When I shower,

I think about women. When I watch TV,

I think about women. I even

think about women when I eat.

It seems that everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little while later, a man sat down

on the other side of the old cowboy

and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"



He replied, "I always thought I was,

but I just found out I'm a lesbian!"

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:02 AM
Anniversary Night


On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.

She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:03 AM
Country Politics


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:03 AM
The Young & Old Golfer


A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:03 AM
Bad Sound


Taxying down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:04 AM
Statistics


Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:04 AM
Anything


A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:04 AM
Quality Control

How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:04 AM
Signs That You Are Too Drunk


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:05 AM
Medical Student


There's a student in medical school who wants to specialise in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:05 AM
High Diver


Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:05 AM
Paper Shredder


The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:05 AM
Bet


A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied,

"Okay. I owe you a dollar."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:06 AM
Three Envelopes


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

thedrifter
03-13-05, 06:06 AM
Priest & Nun Spend The Night Together


A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:03 AM
Drunk Guy In Confessional


A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:03 AM
Airsick


A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:04 AM
Police Chase


Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over ninety miles an hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"****," cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:04 AM
Day on the Bus


A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:04 AM
Beauty


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:05 AM
Club


Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognising the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:05 AM
Labor


In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet anotherone to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:05 AM
Blowing up busses


What happened to the blonde who tried to blow up a bus?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:05 AM
Bubba and Earl


Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat,and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No,sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:06 AM
Lunch


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

thedrifter
03-14-05, 06:06 AM
Got a Driver


Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"

Ed Palmer
03-14-05, 08:30 AM
Social Tips for Rednecks


In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will,
it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt
the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of
finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the
bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests
have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you
shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for
this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession..

Ed Palmer
03-14-05, 10:36 AM
LIFE

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_004c01c4d09dc63e96d0220110acED.gif

Phantom Blooper
03-14-05, 07:24 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:01 AM
Lunch


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:01 AM
Too Hot, Too Cold


A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:01 AM
The Great Writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:02 AM
Things Most Women Will Never Say


You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ass

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:02 AM
Answer Iron


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:02 AM
Condom Questions


A father and his little boy went into a local drugstore to pick up a prescription. While in the store. the little boy was browsing around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly coloured packages and the different types and quantities.

Then, suddenly, the little boy finds his father and asks him, "Daddy, what are all those condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection, son. Protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then, why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February...."

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:03 AM
Book Reading in Bed


There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "Why are you taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:03 AM
Playing House


A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

thedrifter
03-15-05, 06:03 AM
College Dorm


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Phantom Blooper
03-15-05, 07:36 PM
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.

She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cow-boy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom(skoal can) they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

:)

Phantom Blooper
03-15-05, 07:38 PM
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies "yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women
are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....









FOR BEST RESULTS.PUT ON TWO COATS.




:banana:

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:35 AM
38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid


1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:35 AM
Own Blanket


A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:35 AM
Five Little Piggies


A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.

This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

Two more pigs came in.

One ordered three root beers and the other four.

They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out.

The bartender was confused.

"Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:36 AM
Anger in the Sky


God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, he's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all. The worse news is he's mad and is going to end the world in a week.

"Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:36 AM
Big John In The Old West


A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:37 AM
Linguistics Professor


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive."

"In some languages, though," he continued, "such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:37 AM
The Race


There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:37 AM
Smoking


A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked,and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:37 AM
The Artist


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor.""

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:38 AM
Your Husband Gets It Double


This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband gets the same thing, only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.

"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"

The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

thedrifter
03-16-05, 06:38 AM
Fishing License


A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Ed Palmer
03-16-05, 08:54 AM
Nelly and Venus
A salesman is driving down a country road one day
when his car broke down. There was a farm near by,
so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer
suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him
a ride into town to get the necessary parts for
his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome
of virginal beauty.

Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town
when he convinced her to pull over to the side of
the road to enlighten her about the facts of life.
They had some down and dirty sex all over the car,
and then went into town to get the car parts. By
the time they got into town, the auto store was
closed, so they had to return to the farm. The
farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in
the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.

The next morning the salesman went up to the
farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a
ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her
sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike
Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a
bit sleazy.
Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into
town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing
this time, and the salesman
had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it
back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman
fixed his car.
He thanked the farmer, left his address to they
could keep in touch in the future, and went on his
merry way.

A few months later the salesman received a later
from the farmer which contained only a poem:

Were you the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,

There's a swelling in her belly,
And you'd better get your ass back into town.

The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the
following response:

Yes, I was the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I met your daughter Venus,
I've had some problems with my penis,
So I guess we're pretty even all around.

Ed Palmer
03-16-05, 08:59 AM
Strangers In Texas
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, Now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few, "he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? "

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. "

Ed Palmer
03-16-05, 10:15 AM
Summer Plans
It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?"
"My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically.
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
"What will you do this summer, Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination.
"Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

Ed Palmer
03-16-05, 10:33 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/7272.jpg

Ed Palmer
03-16-05, 12:10 PM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the World."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking
deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest
person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who's this 'Camilla Parker Bowles'?"

Ed Palmer
03-16-05, 01:28 PM
fighter pilot scanned the guests at an officer's club party - he spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

>

He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

>

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

>

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

>

Then she asked the pilot, "What's your name?"

>

"Beerfukk," he said.

Sgted
03-16-05, 04:52 PM
An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.
The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:07 AM
A Little Nature Story


There's a lake in the woods and a fly is flying over the water. There's a fish in the water, and he thinks, if the fly drops two inches, I can jump out of the water and eat the fly.

There's also a bear beside the river and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out of the water, and I can eat the fish.

There's a hunter in the woods and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, and I can shoot the bear.

There's a mouse behind the hunter, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket.

There's a cat watching the mouse, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket, and I can eat the mouse.

So this is what happens: the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps for the fly, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun knocks the ham and cheese sandwich out of his pocket, the mouse goes after the sandwich, the cat goes after the mouse, slips, and falls into the water.

The moral of the story? It takes a lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet.

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:08 AM
Punishment


There were these three guys, two white guys and a black guy. They had done something very bad and been sentenced to death. Because what they had done was so bad they were sent to hell. They all felt very bad for what they had done and they told the devil about it and he said "Look to make you feel better I’ll burn your guys dicks off"

They all thought that that sounded fair so they said ok. So one of the white guys says he'll go first so he pulls down his pants and the devil sticks his hand in some fire and burns off his dick. He does the same for the other white guy.

So its the black guys turn and so he drops his pants and the devil puts his hand in the fire and tries to burn off his dick but nothing happens. So he tries again and still nothing happens. So he says to the guy "Hey what's up with your dick why won't it burn off!"

And the black man replies "Milk chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands!"

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:08 AM
First Child


A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:08 AM
Airsick


A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:08 AM
Blondes and Babies


A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:09 AM
Taxidermist


This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya....... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:09 AM
Tyson


What did Tyson say to Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat that?"


Why did Tyson bite Evander's ear?

1. He thought cauliflower ear was a vegetable
2. Evander said, "Bite me"
3. After a blow to the head, he thought he was Lorraina Bobbitt

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:09 AM
Country Music


A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like pussy?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:10 AM
Blonde Minivan Tragedy


Four blondes are driving in a minivan when it goes over a cliff. The tragedy is, the minivan could've held eight blondes.

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:10 AM
Paper Shredder


The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:10 AM
Heaven or Hell


A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out that he was an atheist and didn't believe in heaven or hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:11 AM
Pro Congress?


If con is the opposite of pro, then congress is the opposite of progress?

thedrifter
03-17-05, 06:11 AM
Jump !


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you. "So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it. "So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

Ed Palmer
03-17-05, 07:09 AM
Sgted


An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.







http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/2841.jpg

Ed Palmer
03-17-05, 08:13 AM
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 10 - Walalpai" this summer. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Sgted
03-17-05, 12:07 PM
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......................
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?..........................
OK! Here it is!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



A RETIRED COMMON TATER

Ed Palmer
03-17-05, 04:51 PM
FW: MARRIAGE


You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

***

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
***
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
***

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
***
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
***

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
***

Young son:
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad:
"That happens in every country, son."
***

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
***

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
***

Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
***

First guy:
"My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***

Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
***

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop
with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the
ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the
sidewalk,
and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:00 AM
Statistics


Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:00 AM
Reach the Doorbell


A priest was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy struggling to reach the doorbell. He walked up the driveway and pushed the bell for him.

"Now what" He asked

"Now we run like heck" was the reply.

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:00 AM
Rich Man, Poor Man


A rich man and a poor man are sitting in a bar late one night. They're talking about different things and then the poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

"I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring", said the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replies, "I got her both because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car and exchange it."

After this, the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife for her birthday.

The poor man responds," I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, " Because if she don't like the flip-flops, she can go **** herself."

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:01 AM
Married Italian


Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:01 AM
Medical Student


There's a student in medical school who wants to specialise in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:01 AM
Raider vs. 49ers


During the pre-season, a football game was scheduled between the Oakland Raiders and the San Francisco 49ers. With sloppy planning from the league, many things went wrong including transportation mistakes, hotel reservation errors and even the starting time of the game. When the Raiders arrived at 3Com Park, there wasn't enough time to play the entire game.

After several possessions and impressive performances, the game wastied at 28-28 late in the third quarter. After the Raiders kicked off, the 49ers returned the ball to their own 41-yard line before the referees blew the whistle and announced that the league had informed them the game was over. The Raiders walked off the field and returned to the buses.

Three plays later, the 49ers scored and won the game.

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:01 AM
Inheritance


After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy husband finally confronted her.

"Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left it to you."

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:02 AM
Blonde Goes to the Airport


She is so blonde that, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” she turned around and went back home."

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:02 AM
Priest and a Nun in the Desert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind
if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here."

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:02 AM
Gentle" Men Quiz


1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

thedrifter
03-18-05, 07:03 AM
Racecar Driver


The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face."What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked."It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish'.""What's wrong with that?" asked the driver."Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open'?"

Ed Palmer
03-18-05, 07:09 AM
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down
the hall from your room are some vending machines that should fulfill
all your needs."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, which had
a sign that said 'Haircuts - 50 cents'. So he inserted 50 cents, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine st arted to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his
head and looked into the mirror, which reflected the best haircut of
his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures -
25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,
inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were
perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives - 75 Cents.' The salesman
looked both ways, put three quarters in the machine, unzipped his
fly, and with some anticipation, st uck his 'manhood' into the
opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek
of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his appendage...now with a
button sewn neatly on the end of it...

Ed Palmer
03-18-05, 07:49 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/311.jpg

Ed Palmer
03-18-05, 08:05 AM
Subject: Last Words



A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"

He said, "No."

They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.

Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"

He said, "Yes, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't swim."

Ed Palmer
03-18-05, 01:24 PM
Thought for the Day...

Never fight ugly people. They have nothing to lose.

Source Unknown

Ed Palmer
03-18-05, 04:04 PM
Southern Born & Bred
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving
> > to
> >
> > the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you
> > adapt
> >
> > to the difference in lifestyles:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has green salads, The South has collard greens
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
> > in
> >
> > a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
> >
> > Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they
> > live
> >
> > for.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
> > store....do
> >
> > not buy food at this store.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
> > is
> >
> > plural possessive.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
> >
> > use it.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
> > can't
> >
> > understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a
> >
> > transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or
> >
> > "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect
> > this
> >
> > way. All of them are in denial about it.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
> > stay
> >
> > out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'l ever say.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
> >
> > accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
> > store.
> >
> > It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
> >
> > there.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
> >
> > they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn
> > is
> >
> > to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > AND REMEMBER:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
> >
> > accept them as Southerners. After all, if
> >
> >
> >
> > the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and
> > I
> >
> > reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.
> >

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:18 AM
Doggy Style


Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked one.

"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly...."

"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:18 AM
The Florist's Mistake


On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.."

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:19 AM
Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.


One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied. "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:19 AM
Green Side Up


A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:19 AM
The millionare with alligators


Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:20 AM
Female version of Creation


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:20 AM
Frogs for sale


Man walking down the street noticed a street vendor with a sign FROGS FOR SALE.. "greatest blow job you will ever have”. The man approached and the vendor said, trust me, these frogs give the best blow job you will ever get. The man proceeded home with his new purchase. About 3am the man’s wife was awakened by strange noises and a light coming from the kitchen. She arose to investigate. When she looked in the kitchen she was amazed to see pots and pans scattered all over, cookbooks opened, her husband frying a steak, and the frog up on the counter watching her husband. She asked "what the hell are you doing”. He replied "as soon as I teach this frog to cook.......you`re outa here!!

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:20 AM
Wedding Dress


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:21 AM
Credit Cards


A man whose credit cards had been stolen recently says that he will not report the theft to the police because the thief is spending less on the cards than his wife was.

thedrifter
03-19-05, 06:21 AM
In the Army


A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

Ed Palmer
03-19-05, 07:42 AM
SOMETHING EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/161.jpg

Sgted
03-19-05, 08:14 AM
FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:02 AM
Three Old Men


Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:02 AM
Laying down the law


A man and a woman are getting married tomorrow. The man's father pulls him into the other room and tells the groom, "Son, from the very beginning you have to make sure your wife knows who is the boss."

On their honeymoon, the wife comes into the room dressed very seductively. The husband throws his pants at her and tells her to put them on.

The wife says "I will never be able to fit in these, they are much too big." He responds "Exactly, now you know who wears the pants in the family."

She is very distraught as she runs into the bathroom. Moments later, she comes back out and throws her petite sized underwear at him and tells him to put them on.

He exclaims "These would never fit, I can't get into these."

She responds "EXACTLY!!"

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:02 AM
The Dirty Pianist


There's this guy, he runs a nightclub, he needs a pianist to tinkle the ivories during the dinner shift. He finally finds a someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and says "That was beautiful, what do you call it?" The pianist replies "its called I love you so much I could ****." The manager says, "uh... OK, play another". The pianist plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks what it was called. "That one's called muscle of love baby." says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he comes out, he's forgotten to close his zipper. The manager walks up and says "do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?" The pianist grins and says "know it, I wrote it!!"

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:03 AM
Loss


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:03 AM
Ten Dollars


Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."

"That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:03 AM
Women Vs. Men


Why are men given larger brains than dogs?

So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:04 AM
Nursing Home


John took his elderly father to a nursing home to have a routine check out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A doctor came by and said, "Come, let me help you." The doctor piled several pillows on the left side for the old man so he could stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. A nurse noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a attendant came by and piled several more pillows in front of him.

About this time, John returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"

His father replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:04 AM
Air Force One


Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy!"

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:04 AM
New Lyrics to Beatles Songs


Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initialising code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:04 AM
Country Music


A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."

The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.

The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.

Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."

The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like pussy?"

The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."

thedrifter
03-20-05, 07:05 AM
Little Johnny in Love


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

thedrifter
03-20-05, 10:55 PM
Updated, Improved and Expanded Murphy's Laws of Combat

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When they're ready. b. When you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five-second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple.
The simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is an oxymoron.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
A bad ride is better than a good walk.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
Exceptions prove the rule and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) uniform is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, it’s always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being a leader is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M240B.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually be awarded the Medal of Honor.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
The crucial round is a dud.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as ishis deviousness and mischievousness).
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
Walking point = sniper bait.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
If orders can be misunderstood they will be.
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
When accused, admit nothing, deny everything, and file counter-accusations.
Murphy was a grunt.

Ed Palmer
03-21-05, 07:48 AM
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each
other in hell one day.

"My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and
stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine.
But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman
replied.

Ed Palmer
03-21-05, 09:46 AM
Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub
pondering on the future.

One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great
sport together for many years. It just came to mind that
should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean
a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me
grave."

The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that
I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first,
for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour
a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."

The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would
you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me
kidneys first?"

Ed Palmer
03-21-05, 10:55 AM
A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard the shop
keeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Vacationers! Come in! Come into
my humble shop!"

So they walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would
be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sexgod he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make me any better than I
am?

"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes. Something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
"DE WRONG FEET! DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Ed Palmer
03-21-05, 11:08 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/health_study.gif

Sgted
03-21-05, 05:21 PM
Where do words go when they retire?

I think some of you will remember most of these.....


What a great blast from the past! I haven't thought about "fender skirts"
in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term.
Made me think of a car in a dress.

Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.
This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors.

Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?"
It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now.
"Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -"divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie"
an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, and before, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux."
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper."
Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:26 AM
Signs That You Are Too Drunk


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:26 AM
Old Fart


The man told his doctor that he wasn`t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what`s wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You`re just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:26 AM
Pierre et Marie


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:26 AM
Horth


This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting ****ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:27 AM
Anger in the Sky


God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, he's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all. The worse news is he's mad and is going to end the world in a week.

"Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:27 AM
Miss Right


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always!

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:27 AM
Helpful Man


A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:27 AM
Only when he's drunk.


A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[The man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[The man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer:I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

The man turns to his wife and yells: " Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: " No, only when he's drunk."

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:27 AM
Heaven or Hell


A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out that he was an atheist and didn't believe in heaven or hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:28 AM
Safety Briefing


An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:28 AM
Collecting Snails For Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

thedrifter
03-22-05, 07:28 AM
Day on the Bus


A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Ed Palmer
03-22-05, 09:53 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/ATT22245.jpg

sm@@thrider
03-22-05, 12:53 PM
http://www.rock103.com/bin.html

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:17 AM
First Class


On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:17 AM
The Great Bar

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:17 AM
Christmas Party


John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," John said. "**** on him." "You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:18 AM
I am Napoleon


Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

A voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:18 AM
Blonde Jokes


Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A : You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it becuase the other two are fictional

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:19 AM
Baby Chickens


A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:19 AM
Linguistics Professor


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive."

"In some languages, though," he continued, "such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:19 AM
Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:19 AM
Blonde Jokes


Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!

Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A WIND TUNNEL!

Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!

Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A : Nothing, they've never met!

Q: What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.

thedrifter
03-23-05, 07:20 AM
Thuds


A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

Ed Palmer
03-23-05, 07:40 AM
THE AMAZING ITALIAN



A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A

sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center

stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man

dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all

three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in

applause as the elderly Italian was carried off on the shoulders of

the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town

and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't

Miss The Amazing Italian " He couldn't believe the old guy was

still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however,

instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The

Italian stood before them, then suddenly drops his pants and

smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The

crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him

after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian. "But I

have to know something. You're older now, why the switch from

walnuts to coconut s?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes a not whatta they used to

be!"

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:46 AM
Florida


While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:46 AM
Jack


Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:46 AM
New Teeth


Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:47 AM
Retiring Hooker


After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.

She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?"

He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:47 AM
Bragging Rights

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:47 AM
Princess Diana : Q & A


Joke #1
Q - Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio,.... and the dashboard,... and the steering wheel,....

Joke #2
Q - What did Princess Diana say to Dodi Faijed when he presented her with a multi-thousand dollar ring in the Mercades?
A - "Dodi,... I think that we're moving too fast,..."

Joke #3
Q - How is Princess Diana different from Tiger Woods?
A - Tiger Woods knows how to pick a driver.

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:47 AM
Farmer and his sons


There was a farmer who bore 3 sons. The farmer was getting pretty old and he wanted to give his farm to one of the three sons so he gave each son a duck and sent them to the market. He told his sons that whoever could sell their duck for the most money, would get the farm.

The first son, Bob, went to the market and asked the first person he saw if they were interested in buying his duck.

The guy said, "Sure!" and bought the duck for 5 dollars.

The second son, Jim, walked the market and convinced a lonely old man to buy his duck for 10 dollars.

The third son, Drew, browsed hopelessly for someone to buy his duck but no one wanted to buy it. As Drew was walking home, he spotted a prostitute. The prostitute strutted her stuff and arousingly approached Drew.

"Hey baby," she said as she gently unzipped his, "Do you need a date tonight?"

"I'm really sorry, mam, but all I have is this duck," stated Drew. "Well, that's okay, baby, I'll do you for the duck."

The prostitute and Drew screwed and the prostitute was very pleased with Drew's performance.

"You know what baby," said the prostitute, "That was so gosh darn great that I'll give you your duck back if you'll screw me again."

Without hesitation, Drew screwed the prostitute once more and in return got his duck back.

When Drew and the prostitute were done, he grabbed his duck and continued on his way home. As he was walking down the street, his duck wobbling slowly beside him, a HUGE tractor trailer strolled on by and ran over the duck.

"I feel really sorry about your duck," cried the truck driver, "here's 20 dollars, I hope it covers for the loss."

Drew took the 20 dollars and ran the rest of the way home.

That night at the diner table, the father asked each son what they got for their ducks.

Bob replied "5 bucks for my duck, dad." Jim replied," I got 10 bucks for my duck."

Drew happily replied," I got a screw for a duck, a duck for a screw, and 20 dollars for a screwed up duck."

thedrifter
03-24-05, 06:48 AM
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex


It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

The protective equipment is reusable.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

Periods last only 20 minutes.

A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

Your parents cheer when you score.

You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:06 AM
In the Army


A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:07 AM
Scare Me?


A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:07 AM
Mirror On the Walk


There were two blondes walking down the street one day and they came upon a compact. One of the blondes picked it up and opened it. She says, "Boy this picture sure does look familiar."

The other blonde takes it and opens it, and says, "you idiot that is a picture of me!"

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:07 AM
Five Little Piggies


A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.

This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

Two more pigs came in.

One ordered three root beers and the other four.

They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out.

The bartender was confused.

"Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:07 AM
Idiots Stand Up


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:08 AM
Making a baby


Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:08 AM
The Bible


There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady."

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:08 AM
The Happy Son


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:09 AM
Why it's great to be a MAN


* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time.

thedrifter
03-25-05, 07:09 AM
Horseback Riding


A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

Ed Palmer
03-25-05, 07:31 AM
The French Leader got a coded message from Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information
Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the
Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.II
from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...

Sgted
03-25-05, 07:36 AM
Close Air Support

Recently, a Marine Corps Harrier squadron was invited to attend the annual Air Force Red Flag exercises at Nellis Air Force Base, NV. This is one of the USAF's big exercises, where they test combined arms employment of tactical air assets. The USAF F-15 pilots showed up on the ramp with dozens of rear echelon airman types and tons of equipment such as Ground Power Units, Accessory Power Units, Hummers, Trucks, Air Conditioners, etc. The Marines appeared ready to operate in a combat environment and showed up with only their Harriers.

The Air Force commander commented to the Marine commander: "Where is all your support stuff? Geez, you guys really are just Grunts that know how to fly."

Not wanting to disappoint the Air Force commander, the Marine commander got an idea of his own. He talked to his 1st Sergeant and later that night, the 1st Sergeant had his Marines made up bayonet studs on hose clamps. (There's a pitot tube sticking out of the nose of a Harrier.) In the hours of darkness, the 1st Sergeant had the clamp with the bayonet stud tightened onto the pitot tube of each Harrier.

The next morning, the Air Force pilots fell out on the ramp in front of their F-15s. The Marine pilots fell out on the other side of the ramp in front of their Harriers. Each Marine pilot had on his deuce gear with a bayonet in the scabbard. The USAF commander ordered his pilots to "man your planes."

The USAF ground crews by the dozens scrambled to their trucks, APUs, GPUs, etc. and the pilots ran to their planes. The Marine commander ordered his Marines to "Fix Bayonets," whereupon each pilot ran to the front of his Harrier and fixed his bayonet on the stud attached to the pitot tube. The Marine commander then ordered "CHARGE," and the Marines jumped in their Harriers, dusted airborne, and flew off.

The Marine commander turned to the USAF commander and said; "This is what we Marines consider Close Air Support."

You've gotta love them!

Ed Palmer
03-25-05, 10:27 AM
An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven.

The officer flyboy replies," Yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Marines harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Marine to stand down."

St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.

The pilot replied, "About 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!"

Ed Palmer
03-25-05, 12:02 PM
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any
sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but
he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and
said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back
to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"
"I'm willing, let's go," she said.
They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed
for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how
tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be
a virgin.
After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if
I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".
Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get
an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Ed Palmer
03-25-05, 12:07 PM
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning, and as they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and
Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it
at him," he says .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair,
rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and
slams the cage door shut and yells: "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache."

Ed Palmer
03-25-05, 12:10 PM
"After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in
handcuffs. I don't think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat,
do they come in smaller sizes?"
-Jay Leno

"Early today Michael met with his priest - not for spiritual advice, they
went on a double date." -Jay Leno

"I can sum up Michael Jackson's legal defense in three words: dead man
moonwalking."
-Craig Kilborn

" I guess they got Michael on that new law - 3 tykes and you're out."
-Jay Leno

"Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60
investigators and found a lot of items that needed explaining. Like the
wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley."
-David Letterman

"I guess they had 60 federal investigators going over the Neverland Ranch
property for 12 hours and didn't find anything. But they did turn up OJ's
knife."
-David Letterman

Phantom Blooper
03-25-05, 07:56 PM
The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, The Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-Square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was a pretty smart cat, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was really good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up picked up a 500ml graduated cylinder, walked over to the fridge, took out a liter of milk, got a 300 ml glass from the cupboard, measured and poured exactly 275 ml of milk into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good too. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers comp, and went home on sick leave.

Phantom Blooper
03-25-05, 08:03 PM
How the Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:43 AM
Drinks Are On Me


A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender - "Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too" The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk "that will be $45"

The drunk said - "I don't have any money" The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.

The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself, too."

The bartender thinks, this guy can't be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says "that will be $50."

The drunk says 'I don't have any money". The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up again.

The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, "what not one for myself?"

The drunk replied, "heck no, you get too mean when you drink."

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:43 AM
Row Boat


There was a blonde in the middle of a cornfield rowing a boat, when another blonde drove by. The blonde in the car got out and hollered to the other one, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and teach you a lesson."

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:43 AM
California Lottery


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"

Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:44 AM
Assorted One Liners


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.

What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
No...but I have been swung around by the tits.

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:44 AM
Talking Parrots


This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?," the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:44 AM
Keep the engine running


This 80 year old man marries a 20 year old woman, the following year she is in the hospital having their first child. The nurse comes and says to the man "My sir how do you do it at your age?" he replies "I just keep the motor running. The following year she is in having their second child and again the nurse says to him "Amazing how do you do it?" he just looks at her and says “I just keep the motor running". The third year she is having their third child and again the nurse comes out and says to the husband "I know you keep the motor running." He says "yes I do." The nurse looks at him and says" You better change the oil - it's black!

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:45 AM
Call Girls


One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:45 AM
No loo paper in the ladies.


A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:45 AM
Clinton and Gore


Clinton and Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up.

Gore says, "You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?"

Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:45 AM
But Can He Read?


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28, and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:46 AM
The Painter


There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, Started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, And asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynaecologist.'"

thedrifter
03-26-05, 08:47 AM
The Dial"


A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The dial", had the surgery and all was well.

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of all", she continued, "I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee as well."

thedrifter
03-26-05, 01:32 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/priceless2.jpg

thedrifter
03-26-05, 01:38 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/foodeat.html

thedrifter
03-26-05, 01:41 PM
Embarrassing Moment - First Date

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "****ed off."

thedrifter
03-26-05, 01:42 PM
To My Dearest Wife

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

thedrifter
03-27-05, 08:43 AM
Rectum


Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

thedrifter
03-27-05, 08:43 AM
Thigns


In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

thedrifter
03-27-05, 08:43 AM
The Misunderstood Boy Learning ABC's


There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's".

That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?"She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The brother, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap."

The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."

thedrifter
03-27-05, 08:44 AM
Married Italian


Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

thedrifter
03-27-05, 08:44 AM
Speech-Recognition Demo


At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in,"Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.

thedrifter
03-27-05, 08:44 AM
What are you?


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."