Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Drinking Jet Fuel For A Buzz


A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz." So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up. But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?" "I feel great!" replied Bill. "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?" "No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!" "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "What?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, don't, because I'm in Melbourne!"

[thedrifter]

Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[thedrifter]

The Iowan Purchases A Chain Saw


A Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

[thedrifter]

Call Girls


One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

[thedrifter]

Drunk Guy In Confessional


A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[thedrifter]

Is The Dog Dead?


A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[thedrifter]

Blonde and Pizza


A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

[thedrifter]

Labor


In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet anotherone to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[thedrifter]

Laying down the law


A man and a woman are getting married tomorrow. The man's father pulls him into the other room and tells the groom, "Son, from the very beginning you have to make sure your wife knows who is the boss."

On their honeymoon, the wife comes into the room dressed very seductively. The husband throws his pants at her and tells her to put them on.

The wife says "I will never be able to fit in these, they are much too big." He responds "Exactly, now you know who wears the pants in the family."

She is very distraught as she runs into the bathroom. Moments later, she comes back out and throws her petite sized underwear at him and tells him to put them on.

He exclaims "These would never fit, I can't get into these."

She responds "EXACTLY!!"

[thedrifter]

Perfection


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.





So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.

[thedrifter]

Anything


A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

[thedrifter]

Playing House


A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[Ed Palmer]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Ed Palmer]

Now stay with me and up on the curb here, don't get off in the gutter,

do not let the lust of the eyes forsake you.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitledbbbb.bmp



Scroll on down to the bottom...





Here it comes, now stay with me...




http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/nnn.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

SOME PEOPLE DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE POOR
HERES A POOR GUY IN HIS BEST WALLMART SUIT.
MARTHA STEWART OUGHT TO GET THIS FOR A NEW LINE OF CLOTHES JUST FOR THE POOR AND HOMLESS IT COULD BE LIKE A UNIIFORM FOR THE HOMELESS.



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/untitledgggg.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU WANNA BE, S
GET A TATOO LIKE THIS AND LOOK LIKE YOU ARE CARRYING
A WEAPON


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/tatoo.bmp

[Ed Palmer]

WORDS WOMEN USE

******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER

This is a word women use when they want to say F**k Off!


Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid, if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

[thedrifter]

Going Out

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not **** in the vegetable garden again either!"

[thedrifter]

Mixed Family

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[thedrifter]

Indian Names

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[thedrifter]

Michael Jackson- Boyz2men

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a
phone call to Boyz-2-Men?

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

[thedrifter]

Michael Jackson- Boat Trip

Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink.
The captain announced, "Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!" Michael asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "**** the children!"
Michael looked around eagerly and asked, "Do we have time?"

[thedrifter]

Michael Jackson- Sex Problems

Q: What's the worst thing about having
sex with Michael Jackson?

A: When the crib breaks.

[thedrifter]

Sex Is No Excuse!

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[thedrifter]

Unlucky day

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.
“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”

[thedrifter]

22 Things Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[Ed Palmer]

Concerned about who’s voting?



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and always has),she
shook her head and ! said,"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
.........She votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
. . . . . He also votes!

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible,
but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
. . . . . . She also votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
. . . . . . . My sister also votes!

My friends and I were on a root beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount
. . . . He also votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
. . .
........My friend also votes!

My wife and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week
and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk
didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more
expensive. My wife got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's
the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To
this, ! the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey." . .
......The clerk also votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?".
......She also votes!

[thedrifter]

Yo mama so...


Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed.
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo momma has no ears.... I seen the ***** trying on sunglasses.
Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma twice the man you are.
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
Yo momma grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS ****"
Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her **** was too busy.
I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs"
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive.
Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does back flips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip.
Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick.
Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!
Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.
Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea.
Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her.
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma so nasty even her Sure deodorant is confused.
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing.
Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
Yo momma like castle bury stew: servings are family size .
Yo momma like a carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
Yo momma like a squirrel, she’s always got nuts in her mouth.
Yo momma like McDonalds, billions and billions served.
Yo momma like birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma is like train tracks, she gets laid all over the place.

[thedrifter]

Blonde Jokes


Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.

Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror

Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A : You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it becuase the other two are fictional

[thedrifter]

Tag Sale


Preparing for a tag sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the tag sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar.

"This is a great deal," he said excitedly." It still has the plastic on it." Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame

[thedrifter]

Perfect Woman


The Perfect Woman would say:
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the ****ing mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.

[thedrifter]

Got a Driver


Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"

[thedrifter]

Jump !


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you. "So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it. "So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

[thedrifter]

Lunch


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[thedrifter]

Perfect Golf Shot For The Wife


Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"

Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[thedrifter]

Overpopulation of Nerds


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

[Ed Palmer]

FINALLY, VINDICATION FOR THE WAY I SPELL.....M ......





Typoglycemia



Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can
read it.





I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig ! to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the
wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was
ipmorantt.

[yellowwing]

Tahts fcuikng amznaig!

Tnahks Ed! ;)

[HardJedi]

:D

[Ed Palmer]

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right! , war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own p ew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Ed Palmer]

thats not a self portrait is it

[Ed Palmer]

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Sgted]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Sgted]

POOR ETHEL:
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding Captain Happy in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

[thedrifter]

Cigars For The Judge


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

[thedrifter]

The Sin Of Lying


A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[thedrifter]

Marriage Report


Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

[thedrifter]

Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce


Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

[thedrifter]

Nursing Home


John took his elderly father to a nursing home to have a routine check out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A doctor came by and said, "Come, let me help you." The doctor piled several pillows on the left side for the old man so he could stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. A nurse noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a attendant came by and piled several more pillows in front of him.

About this time, John returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"

His father replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

[thedrifter]

Little Flasher


There was an exhibitionist that wanted to flash someone. He went to the airport and looked around. He saw a young lady taking tickets and he went to the end of the line. When he got to the front, he opened his jacket and flashed her.

She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

[thedrifter]

Totally Useless Facts:


The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.

Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.

The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from NIKE annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.

Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.

Ham radio operators got the term "ham" coined from the expression "ham fisted operators," a term used to describe early radio users who sent Morse code (i.e., pounded their fist).

The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.

Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.

Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.

Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.

Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.

The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.

The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.

The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun.

The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikim aungahoronuk-
upokaiwhenuakitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA."

Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.

When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.

A cat's jaw cannot move sideways.

[thedrifter]

Women Vs. Men


Why are men so happy?

Because ignorance is bliss.

[thedrifter]

Superman


It's Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.

Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked lying with her legs apart.

Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her, and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.

At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "did you hear something?"

"Nope," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

[thedrifter]

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex


It's legal to play hockey professionally.

The puck is always hard.

The protective equipment is reusable.

It lasts a full hour.

You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

Periods last only 20 minutes.

A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.

You can count on it at least twice a week.

Your parents cheer when you score.

You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

[thedrifter]

The Talented Octopus


A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[Sgted]

Calling in sick...



A woman calls her boss one morning and tells

him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today!"

[Sgted]

Subject: CHINESE SICK LEAVE -
"I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.....

You got nice house."

[Sgted]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.



She turned to the cowboy and

asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life

breaking colts, working cows,

going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,

bailing hay, doctoring calves,

cleaning my barn, fixing flats,

working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,

so I guess I am a cowboy."





She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my

whole day thinking about women. As soon

as I get up in the morning,

I think about women. When I shower,

I think about women. When I watch TV,

I think about women. I even

think about women when I eat.

It seems that everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little while later, a man sat down

on the other side of the old cowboy

and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"



He replied, "I always thought I was,

but I just found out I'm a lesbian!"

[thedrifter]

Anniversary Night


On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.

She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

[thedrifter]

Country Politics


A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[thedrifter]

The Young & Old Golfer


A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[thedrifter]

Bad Sound


Taxying down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[thedrifter]

Statistics


Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

[thedrifter]

Anything


A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

[thedrifter]

Quality Control

How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

[thedrifter]

Signs That You Are Too Drunk


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

[thedrifter]

Medical Student


There's a student in medical school who wants to specialise in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[thedrifter]

High Diver


Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[thedrifter]

Paper Shredder


The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

[thedrifter]

Bet


A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied,

"Okay. I owe you a dollar."

[thedrifter]

Three Envelopes


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[thedrifter]

Priest & Nun Spend The Night Together


A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

[thedrifter]

Drunk Guy In Confessional


A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[thedrifter]

Airsick


A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

[thedrifter]

Police Chase


Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over ninety miles an hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"****," cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

[thedrifter]

Day on the Bus


A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[thedrifter]

Beauty


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

[thedrifter]

Club


Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognising the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[thedrifter]

Labor


In the back woods of West Virginia, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet anotherone to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!"cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[thedrifter]

Blowing up busses


What happened to the blonde who tried to blow up a bus?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.

[thedrifter]

Bubba and Earl


Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat,and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No,sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".

[thedrifter]

Lunch


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[thedrifter]

Got a Driver


Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"

[Ed Palmer]

Social Tips for Rednecks


In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will,
it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt
the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of
finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the
bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests
have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you
shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for
this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession..

[Ed Palmer]

LIFE

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_004c01c4d09dc63e96d0220110acED.gif

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[thedrifter]

Lunch


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[thedrifter]

Too Hot, Too Cold


A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[thedrifter]

The Great Writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[thedrifter]

Things Most Women Will Never Say


You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ass

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

[thedrifter]

Answer Iron


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

[thedrifter]

Condom Questions


A father and his little boy went into a local drugstore to pick up a prescription. While in the store. the little boy was browsing around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly coloured packages and the different types and quantities.

Then, suddenly, the little boy finds his father and asks him, "Daddy, what are all those condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection, son. Protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then, why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February...."

[thedrifter]

Book Reading in Bed


There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "Why are you taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

[thedrifter]

Playing House


A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replied, "I want you to communicate."

He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[thedrifter]

College Dorm


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[Phantom Blooper]

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State.

She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cow-boy? "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom(skoal can) they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies "yes."

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women
are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....









FOR BEST RESULTS.PUT ON TWO COATS.




:banana:

[thedrifter]

38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid


1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

[thedrifter]

Own Blanket


A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

[thedrifter]

Five Little Piggies


A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.

This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

Two more pigs came in.

One ordered three root beers and the other four.

They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out.

The bartender was confused.

"Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

[thedrifter]

Anger in the Sky


God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, he's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all. The worse news is he's mad and is going to end the world in a week.

"Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

[thedrifter]

Big John In The Old West


A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

[thedrifter]

Linguistics Professor


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive."

"In some languages, though," he continued, "such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[thedrifter]

The Race


There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[thedrifter]

Smoking


A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked,and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

[thedrifter]

The Artist


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor.""

[thedrifter]

Your Husband Gets It Double


This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband gets the same thing, only double!

So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
So, the woman thinks of a second wish...
"I want to be beautifull!!"
So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull.

"Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!"

The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision.
"I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"

[thedrifter]

Fishing License


A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

[Ed Palmer]

Nelly and Venus
A salesman is driving down a country road one day
when his car broke down. There was a farm near by,
so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer
suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him
a ride into town to get the necessary parts for
his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome
of virginal beauty.

Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town
when he convinced her to pull over to the side of
the road to enlighten her about the facts of life.
They had some down and dirty sex all over the car,
and then went into town to get the car parts. By
the time they got into town, the auto store was
closed, so they had to return to the farm. The
farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in
the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.

The next morning the salesman went up to the
farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a
ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her
sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike
Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a
bit sleazy.
Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into
town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing
this time, and the salesman
had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it
back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman
fixed his car.
He thanked the farmer, left his address to they
could keep in touch in the future, and wen