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thedrifter
02-14-05, 06:46 AM
Blonde Jokes


Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 09:42 AM
Dating Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 09:49 AM
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you
took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him

what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took
when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20
minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 01:52 PM
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the
first pen and there was a sign that said, This bull mated
50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs
and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year." The
wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him." They
walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The
husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." The husband's condition
has been reduced from critical to stable and he
should make a full recovery.

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 01:56 PM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the

words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the

testimonials of a few people who did....





I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I

turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband

didn't say a word... he knew better.



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I

was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I

looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."





My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the

boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm

just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the

boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my

sister has never let me forget.







Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him

constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between

errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my

taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not

asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he

said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and

I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE

you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must

have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I

asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he

jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and

yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death

on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An

old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd

ever had!





This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get

any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was

supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and

asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only

did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were

laughing so hard!

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:05 PM
Darwin Award 1


A little background, for those of you who don't know, is that each year a 'Darwin Award' is given to an individual who has done the gene pool the biggest favor by killing themselves in an extraordinary and stupid way. Last year the award was given to a man crushed to death by a coke machine from which he was attempting to yank a free soda. Now...our story titled:

'MYSTERY OWNER OF A JET-PROPELLED CHEVY IMPALA'

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the crest of a curve. Wreckage resembled that of an airplane crash, but it was a car, make and model unidentifiable at the scene.

A lab figured out the story. It seems that the driver had somehow gotten a hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push when taking off from short airfields and is nothing less than a solid fuel rocket.

He drove his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the jet device. The police calculated that the driver of the car accomplished several things:

*Hit JATO ignition at a distance of about 4 miles from the crash site. Asphalt was scorched and melted there.

*Reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver--soon to be pilot--most likely experienced G-Forces reserved for dog-fighting F-14 pilots under full afterburners. Basically causing him to become insignificant for the rest of the event.

*Remained on the highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20sec.) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing all four tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.

*Became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 ft. and leaving a black crater 3 ft. deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. The cops even extended their search looking for a personalized plate with "Wile E. Coyote" on it. I'll bet the words "Bad Idea" were among the first--and last-- to pass through this guys mind right after firing the JATO unit.

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:09 PM
Darwin Award 2


Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.

He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble.

He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport.

A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.

As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:10 PM
Darwin Award 3

Here's a great candidate for the next Darwin Awards...

Michigan, USA.

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30-some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately finds his friend and they decide go duck hunting. However, all the lakes in their area are frozen.

They travel to the lake with their guns, their hunting dog, their beer and the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than a ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these two men do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. The dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite (with the burning 40 second fuse) at about the same time it hits the ice, all to the woes of the two men yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog happily heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the men, now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before. Now one of the guys decides to think, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these men have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30-some thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment, vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies instantly and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30-some thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment, vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the men standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:12 PM
Dating Again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:15 PM
Cowboy Wannabe


More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:31 PM
Crank It Up


As the sole systems engineer for a Midwestern storm prediction center, this fellow has his hands full.

But when there's a problem at a remote site on a college campus six miles away, he's the one who has to make the 15-minute drive to see what's wrong.

"This site collects needed weather satellite data and sends the data via private network to our main facility," says the systems engineer.

"One day, the operations folks indicate they're no longer getting the required data, and a quick check indicates that the computers and network equipment are not available on the far end."

So he hops in his car and drives over. When he gets there, everything in the equipment closet is working fine. He calls the operations folks, and they say they're getting data again -- it was apparently just a momentary glitch. So he returns to the office.

"About two hours later, it's the same thing," he says. "I get to the remote facility, and everything is working. I return to the office again, only to repeat the trip two hours later."

After the third trip, he doesn't wait two hours; he goes back to the remote site after an hour.

"As I approach the equipment room, I hear a radio turned up very loud," says the engineer. "I walk in to find our equipment rack unplugged, the UPS beeping and flashing away, and a radio where our rack was plugged in -- and a maintenance crew of about six working on some new air conditioning ductwork."

He unplugs the radio and asks the maintenance crew foreman if he had any idea what he had disconnected.

"No," says foreman.

"Why do you keep unplugging it every two hours?"

"We're a union shop," foreman tells him. "We take a break every two hours."

"But didn't you think there was a problem when the rack started beeping when you unplugged it?" the frustrated engineer persists.

"Sure," shrugs foreman. "But turning up the radio helped."

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:34 PM
The Cowboy and the Preacher

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:43 PM
"Deep Thoughts" by Kids

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy" was a favorite on the Saturday Night Live TV show. My personal favorite was "A day without sunshine is like night." Well, a newspaper (don't know which one) ran a contest where entrants, age 4 to 15, were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy." Here they are:

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10

Home is where the house is. Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:44 PM
Defensive Driving Course


One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.

Ed Palmer
02-14-05, 02:46 PM
Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash oc colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Phantom Blooper
02-14-05, 06:28 PM
A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad.
He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor
and peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him
right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he
remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed
to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and
started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the
doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and
said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these!"

She replied, "You're right, Daddy, I have. It's just that I've never
seen one being reloaded!!

Phantom Blooper
02-15-05, 05:32 AM
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:16 AM
What's the Time?


"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" the blonde asked a man on the street corner.

"Sure... it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing -- I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:16 AM
The Meaning of Dreams


Upon waking up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it up to find a book titled, The Meaning of Dreams.

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:17 AM
Big John In The Old West


A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:17 AM
In the Army


A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:17 AM
Priest and a Nun in the Desert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind
if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here."

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:18 AM
Yo mama so...


Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed.
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo momma has no ears.... I seen the ***** trying on sunglasses.
Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma twice the man you are.
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
Yo momma grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS ****"
Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her **** was too busy.
I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs"
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive.
Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does back flips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip.
Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick.
Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!
Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.
Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea.
Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her.
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma so nasty even her Sure deodorant is confused.
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing.
Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
Yo momma like castle bury stew: servings are family size .
Yo momma like a carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
Yo momma like a squirrel, she’s always got nuts in her mouth.
Yo momma like McDonalds, billions and billions served.
Yo momma like birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma is like train tracks, she gets laid all over the place.

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:18 AM
Yo mama so...


Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed.
Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo momma has no ears.... I seen the ***** trying on sunglasses.
Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma twice the man you are.
Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
Yo momma grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS ****"
Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!
You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her **** was too busy.
I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I seen your mother downtown scrapping with a pigeon for a peanut.
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs"
Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive.
Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times.
Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does back flips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip.
Yo momma so short she poll vaults with a toothpick.
Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!
Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.
Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.
Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea.
Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her.
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay.
Yo momma so nasty even her Sure deodorant is confused.
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing.
Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
Yo momma like castle bury stew: servings are family size .
Yo momma like a carpenter’s dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.
Yo momma like a squirrel, she’s always got nuts in her mouth.
Yo momma like McDonalds, billions and billions served.
Yo momma like birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo momma is like train tracks, she gets laid all over the place.

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:18 AM
CIA Test


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is yourfinal test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ***** to death with the chair!"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:19 AM
Anything


A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*.

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:19 AM
Paper Shredder


The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:19 AM
College Pride


A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:19 AM
Clock Shop


A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop while looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his penis on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"

He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!"

thedrifter
02-15-05, 07:20 AM
The Soup


After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.

As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

"Yes ,sir, is there something wrong?"

"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.

"I beg your pardon, Sir?"

"Taste it."

"But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

"Taste it," Pa persisted.

"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

"Taste it!"

The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 07:37 AM
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat,and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.



One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth
and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that
she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college
friends because she spent all her time studying.



Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"



She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that
would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:02 AM
Friends are like....

Friends are like underwear.
Always near you.

Good Friends are like condoms.
Always protecting you.

Best friends are like viagra.
Lift you up when you are down.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The loud-mouthed mechanic!

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...

"Now try doing it with the engine running!"

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:07 AM
How many of you remember the days of the old THUNDER MUG (or most commonly knowen as a chamber pot)


Uncle Festus

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:08 AM
Custer's Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fxcking Indians.'"

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:10 AM
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:21 AM
Three couples at Camping

Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other.

At about 2:00 am John was awaken by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand.

"Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife" Bob exclaimed.

"Would you like me to come with you" John asked.

"Why would I want you to come" Bob asked.

"Because that's.... my dick, which you are holding" John said

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:26 AM
WARNING FROM Kansas Attorney General
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men, here in Topeka Ks.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:27 AM
Goldy Locks

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.


Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.


Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?


It was Momma Bear who got up first,

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,

it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FxCKING PORRIDGE YET !!"

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 09:29 AM
Lending A Hand,Part of the good neighbor program

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,


The first girl said"What should I do? The

guy sitting next to me is masturbating."


Her friend replied, "Don't do

anything. Just ignore it."


The first girl said, "I can't."


Her friendsaid,"Why can'tyou ignore it?"


The first one says, "Because he's using

myhand!"

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 11:02 AM
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a n atural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
=============
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.

Phantom Blooper
02-15-05, 11:31 AM
The Department of Wildlife & Fisheries advises American golfers to take
extra precautions against bears, while playing on golf courses in Wyoming
and Montana National Forests. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing
devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle,
the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. For
example, golfers should be able to recognize the difference between Black
Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings on the golf course.

Black Bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly Bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

garryh123
02-15-05, 11:48 AM
YOU'RE A DRUNK!

A liter of scotch isn't enough to invite a friend over for a drink.

Your first science fair project was a still.

You know most the of people in a bar and can’t remember one of their names.

Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.

They have to mix your blood with tonic water before giving it to anyone.

You’ve filed assault charges against a coffee table.

When you’re out in the street, you are literally “out” in the street.

You think of drinking beer as “sobering up,”

You can say “Whiskey, please” in 34 languages, but can’t understand “Last call” in English.

Your liver takes sides against you during an intervention.

You know better than going near an open flame while you’re bleeding.

Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.

You need a blood transfusion to legally enter a dry county.

Your flask is spring-loaded.

You judge cologne by its bouquet and finish.

Ed Palmer
02-15-05, 01:47 PM
You need to turn on your sound


http://ibp.homestead.com/files/TowYardComplaint.mp3

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:06 AM
Two Indians and a Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, when all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave! He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!". With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of newspaper read.....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:07 AM
Secrets of Woman

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman can keep a secret," said one man, scornfully.

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:07 AM
Bad Eyesight

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:07 AM
Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:07 AM
Crystal Bowl

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary has flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:08 AM
Little Boy's Extortion

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here," the priest says!

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:08 AM
New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:08 AM
Bathroom Talk

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:09 AM
The Devil

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:09 AM
Jumping blonde

A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.

When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.

When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.

When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:09 AM
Legless Frog

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance.

"12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!"

The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!"

Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog.

"The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:10 AM
Hole Behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampon."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

thedrifter
02-16-05, 06:10 AM
Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."

Sgted
02-16-05, 07:45 AM
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Sgted
02-16-05, 07:48 AM
33 Thoughts of the day....

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future - laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

Sgted
02-16-05, 07:50 AM
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . .


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............ Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:30 PM
The Dietician

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:33 PM
Different Views

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your Brother," the mother said. "Where is he?"

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:36 PM
Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:44 PM
ROBOTIC CADDIES


A man goes to a public golf course, approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."


The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to try one and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"


The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.


He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."


The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."


Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.


The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.


As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."


The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."


Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.


He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.


But his luck didn't end there!


His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie!


Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"


The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"


A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"


The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who the heck would have complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:47 PM
Divorce Story

A woman with 14 children,ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you,"the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago,"she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?"

"Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:50 PM
Doctor Appointment

A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist answered and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 03:55 PM
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:05 PM
In bygone days, a thin man insulted a large man. The large man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.

On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.

"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:06 PM
The Dying Man


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd ---- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:11 PM
The Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home.

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:13 PM
8th Grade Final Exam 1895

Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895? ...Take a Look:

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, Kansas. USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, Kansas and reprinted by the Salina Journal.


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal parts of
do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case. Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that
you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many
bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts.
per bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary
levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and
have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
8. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance
around which is 640 rods?
9. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of theRebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln,
Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates:
1607
1620
1800
1849
1865

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography,
etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph,
subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'.
Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word:
bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and
name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir,
odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentence:
cite, site, sight,
fane, fain, feign,
vane, vain, vein,
raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate
pronunciation by use diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver,
Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez,
Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same
latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to
the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the
earth.


Imagine a college student who went to public school trying to pass this test, even if the few outdated questions were modernized.

Gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning!

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:15 PM
There were two guys in the Army. They were stationed somewhere in Europe but their exact location cannot be disclosed because of security reasons. One of the guys' names is Rex and the other guy is simply called Skeeter.


One day, Skeeter gets a letter from his mother, named Eunice, from back home in Alabama and, after reading it, he became very sad. His friend (aka Rex) asked him what was wrong. Skeeter responded by handing Rex the letter. Rex took the letter and reads that Skeeter's mother had written that Skeeter's very pretty and sexy girlfriend was in bed with arthritus.


"Well, Rex said to Skeeter, "that's not so bad." But Skeeter just turned to him and in a quaking, whimpering voice, replied, "Sure, that's what you think. But I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:19 PM
This is how Marine Corps policy begins...


Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.


Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.


Now, turn off the cold water.


Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.


Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.


Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.


After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?


"Because that's the way it's always been around here."


That's how Marine Corps policy begins...

Ed Palmer
02-16-05, 04:29 PM
A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane…


A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork."

The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading. After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?"



The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 08:47 AM
C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\My Photos\bulletin.jpg

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 09:14 AM
C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\My Documents\My Pictures\Boobs.bmp

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 09:18 AM
Well golly gee We finialy figured it out
Ellie I had to go back to what you said and slept on it and darned if it didnt work THANKS
Ed

Sgted
02-18-05, 09:37 AM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bit**es. Don't mess with them.

Sgted
02-18-05, 09:39 AM
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.....

by David Letterman


10. The cucumber has left the salad.


9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.


8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


7. Paging Mr. Johnson.. Paging Mr. Johnson..


6. Elvis is leaving the building.


5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.


3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts

sm@@thrider
02-18-05, 12:51 PM
You want to hear something funny. This guy was driving to work when he noticed an accident and he called work to let his boss know what was happening. listen-
http://www.thenerdgroup.com/funnyvoicemail.wav

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 01:56 PM
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?



The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."



"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because
when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs"?

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 02:03 PM
Subject: A Valentine Poem


Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a
sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the
breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the
pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore
arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them
fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a
purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up
life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my
bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a
padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite
all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some
men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea
market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you
sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful
than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 02:09 PM
http://www.thenerdgroup.com/funnyvoicemail.wav

Here I reninstalled it for you

sm@@thrider
02-18-05, 02:23 PM
Thanks Ed

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 02:53 PM
C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\My Documents\My Pictures\Easter Egg Production.bmp


Question How would you like your eggs ?

Answer Kinda like the hen over easy

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 02:58 PM
C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\My Documents\My Pictures\!cid_008a01c51493$02242b40$19014441@lisa. jpg

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 03:03 PM
Originally posted by Ed Palmer
C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\My Documents\My Pictures\boner.jpg

I wonder where this guy teaches better yet what does he teach

Ed Palmer
02-18-05, 04:03 PM
Order in the Court . . .

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done
that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing
made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy
that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April
Fool!" ..

And that's when I shot the little bastard...

Ed Palmer
02-19-05, 10:31 AM
C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\My Documents\sent items\284[1].jpg

Ed Palmer
02-19-05, 10:41 AM
Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children..

Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, and I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that I found very effective is for me just to take the child for a car ride and talk.

They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our little ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with our son, in case you would like to try the technique.

C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\My Documents\My Pictures\99.bmp

nc.gal
02-19-05, 12:33 PM
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! "

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set off catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 ft. alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and frustrated shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Phantom Blooper
02-19-05, 07:22 PM
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the doctor stood solemnly beside her bed.

"There is something I must tell you about your baby."

What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked?

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!", the mother said,
"You mean it has a penis and a brain ?"

Phantom Blooper
02-20-05, 07:22 AM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was:

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



:banana:

Phantom Blooper
02-20-05, 07:24 AM
Make sure you say them outloud
________________________________
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?....Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan

) I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ............. Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu


16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Phantom Blooper
02-20-05, 07:29 AM
One morning a husband took a pair
of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself
as a little "dust" cloud appeared
when he shook them out.

"Rose" he hollered into the bathroom,
"why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.
It's 'Miracle Grow'."


:banana:

Phantom Blooper
02-20-05, 07:30 AM
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily

against a wall. The owner asks the clerk : "What's with the guy over

there by the wall?" The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this

morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup,

so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative". The owner, wide -eyed and

excited shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of

laxatives". The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him,

he's afraid to cough."

Phantom Blooper
02-20-05, 11:00 AM
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!


So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"


She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy"
.... and watch the 'spression on yo face.

:banana:

nc.gal
02-20-05, 01:45 PM
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to his his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life----better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life--------as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!"

Then POOF!!----she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!!-------Harry!----where are you?"

Harry yells, I"m over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back----"DON'T SWING!!!!FOR GODS SAKE!!!DON'T SWING!!!!!!!!!!"

Ed Palmer
02-20-05, 05:01 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Sunami/BIGGGGGGGWAVE.bmp we all know what this is>
The following is what caused ithttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Sunami/SUNAMI.jpg

Phantom Blooper
02-20-05, 05:25 PM
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

Ed Palmer
02-20-05, 05:28 PM
Tough Love
Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children..

Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, and I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that I found very effective is for me just to take the child for a car ride and talk.

They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our little ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with our son, in case you would like to try the technique.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/99.bmp

Sgted
02-20-05, 07:12 PM
CONDOMS:
George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin.

He says to Bush "Our largest condom factory has exploded". "My

people's favorite form of birth control." This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything

within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000

condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in diameter?" said Putin

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how

those stupid Americans will fall for any thing.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2"

in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: "SMALL" on each one

Sgted
02-20-05, 07:14 PM
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and I shot the canary."

Phantom Blooper
02-21-05, 07:04 AM
Real Country Song Titles


1.All I Want From You (Is Away)
2.All My Exes Live In Texas
3.All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
4.Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
5.Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus?
6.Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?
7.At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump
8.Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
9.Bubba Shot The Jukebox
10.Bubba's Inconvenience Store
11.Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
12.Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain
13.Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
14.Cow Cow Strut
15.Did I Shave my Legs for This?
16.Do You Love As Good As You Look?
17.Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
18.Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
19.Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load!
20.Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
21.Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride
22.Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
23.Don't Squeeze My Sharmon.
24.Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
25.Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
26.Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
27.Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
28.Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
29.Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
30.Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
31.Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
32.Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
33.Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
34.Heaven's Just A Sin Away.
35.Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind.
36.Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
37.Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
38.Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
39.Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
40.High Cost of Low Living
41.Hold On To Your Men..’Cause She's Single Again
42.How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
43.How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me?
44.How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
45.How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
46.How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
47.I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.
48.I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
49.I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
50.I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home
51.I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life.
52.I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
53.I Don't Do Floors
54.I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
55.I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
56.I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
57.I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It.
58.I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
59.I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
60.I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
61.I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade
62.I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger
63.I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2.
64.I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
65.I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line
66.I Got Through Everything But The Door
67.I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
68.I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine.
69.I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
70.I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
71.I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You.
72.I Like Bananas Because They Have No Bones
73.I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
74.I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
75.I Meant Every Word That He Said.
76.I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y "
77.I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
78.I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
79.I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
80.I Wanna Whip Your Cow.
81.I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart
82.I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me
83.I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
84.I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
85.I Wish I Were A Lesbian
86.I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)
87.I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town.
88.I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
89.I Would Kiss You Through the Screendoor but It'd Strain Our Love
90.I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win.
91.I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy.
92.I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
93.I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
94.If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will.
95.If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
96.If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
97.If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
98.If I Had a Nose Full of Nickels, I'd Sneeze Them All Atchoo!
99.If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
100.If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen
101.If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
102.If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
103.If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
104.If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now
105.If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
106.If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low.
107.If My Nose Was Running Money, Honey, I'd Blow It Al On You
108.If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
109.If She Hadn't Been So Good Lookin' I Might Have Seen the Train
110.If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love.
111.If the Devil Danced in Empty Pockets, He'd Have a Ball in Mine
112.If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long.
113.If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
114.If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In
115.If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure.
116.If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
117.If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
118.If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl.
119.If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There).
120.If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?
121.If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
122.If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Find Someone Who Will
123.If You Ever Get the Feelin' I Don't Love You, Feel Again.
124.If You Got the Money, Honey, I Got the Time
125.If You Leave Me I'm Gone
126.If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
127.If You Really Loved Me, You'd Leave
128.If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put it Next to My Ex-Wife's Heart
129.If You Want Your Freedom PDQ, Divorce Me COD
130.If You’re Gonna Do Him Wrong Again, You Might As Well Do Him Wrong Again With Me!
131.If You're Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right
132.I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him.
133.I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
134.I'll Tennessee You In My Dreams
135.I'm Drinkin Christmas Dinner (All Alone This Year)
136.I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue.
137.I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home.
138.I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of my Car and Drive Myself to Drink
139.I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon.
140.I'm Here To Get My Baby Out Of Jail
141.I'm In Love With A Capital U
142.I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life.
143.I'm Just an Old Chunk of Coal (But I'm Gonna be a Diamond Someday)
144.I'm Not Married But The Wife Is.
145.I'm Quittin' Wild Turkey Cold Turkey
146.I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.
147.I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised.
148.I'm Under The Table Over You
149.Is It Cold in Here, or Is it Just You?
150.It Ain't Easy Being Easy
151.It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad.
152.It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me.
153.It Only Takes One Bar (To Make A Prison)
154.It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long.
155.It Took a Helluva Man to Take my Anne, but it Sure Didn't Take Him Long
156.It's Not the High Cost of Living, It's the Cost of Living High
157.I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.
158.I've Been Roped And Throwed By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
159.I've Got $5 And It's Saturday Night
160.I've Got a Cowboy In The Saddle, and Another One's Holding My Horse
161.I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat!
162.I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time.
163.I've Got Tears In My Eyes From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You.
164.I've Got the Cob, If You've Got the Corn
165.I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
166.I've Heard that Tear Stained Monologue You Do There by the Door Before You Go
167.Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving Fast Acting Pleasant Tasting Green and Purple Pills
168.Jesus Loves Me But He Can't Stand You
169.Jim, I Wore A Tie Today
170.Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
171.Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
172.Last Night I Went to Bed with a "10" and Woke this Morning with a "2"
173.Lay Something On My Bed Besides A Blanket
174.Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me.
175.Legendary Chicken Fairy
176.Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
177.Make Me Late For Work Today.
178.Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
179.May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose.
180.Meet Me In the Gravel Pit, Honey, Cuz I'm a Little Boulder There
181.Mommy, Can I Still Call Him Daddy?
182.My Every Day Silver Is Plastic.
183.My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus.
184.My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
185.My Lips Want to Stay (But My Heart Wants to Go)
186.My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, so I Guess it Wasn't You
187.My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
188.Nashville Rash
189.Ned Nostril (and his South Seas Paradise, Put Your Blues on Ice, Cheap at Twice the Price Band, Icky Icky Ucky Ucky)
190.No Way, Conway (I Ain't Gonna Twitty Tonight)
191.Occasional Wife
192.Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
193.Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way.
194.Our Love is Illegal, Cause Our Names Ain't the Same
195.Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed.
196.Overlonely and Underkissed
197.Pardon Me, I've Been Pardoned
198.Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill.
199.Phantom Of The Opry
200.Pick Me Up On Your Way Down
(Cont.)

Phantom Blooper
02-21-05, 07:05 AM
201.Pick Me Up Or Let Me Down
202.Please Bypass This Heart.
203.Poultry Promenade
204.Queen Of My Double-Wide Trailer
205.Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer
206.Redneck Martians Stole My Baby
207.Refried Dreams
208.Run for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
209.Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight
210.She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw
211.She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
212.She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
213.She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft.
214.She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
215.She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass
216.She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
217.She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
218.She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
219.She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas
220.She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles
221.She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty.
222.She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
223.She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without.
224.Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
225.Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
226.Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love.
227.Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You.
228.Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone.
229.Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
230.The Alcohall of Fame
231.The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
232.The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me".
233.The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
234.The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
235.The Pint Of No Return.
236.There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You
237.There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal.
238.There's A Tear In My Beer
239.They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out.
240.This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
241.This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
242.Tight Fittin' Jeans
243.Timber... I'm Fallin In Love
244.Touch Me With More Than Your Hands.
245.Trainwreck Of Emotion
246.Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
247.Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart.
248.Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
249.Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
250.Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
251.Warm Beer Cold Women
252.We Used To Kiss On The Lips, But It's All Over Now
253.Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
254.What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made A Loser Out Of Me).
255.When the Lightning Struck the Coon Creek Party Line
256.When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town).
257.When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
258.When You Wrapped My Lunch in a Road Map, I Knew You Meant Good-Bye
259.Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
260.Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?
261.Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
262.Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time?
263.Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
264.Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
265.Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
266.Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
267.Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
268.Yard Sale
269.You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
270.You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins')
271.You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
272.You Can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
273.You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play.
274.You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
275.You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd.
276.You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
277.You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
278.You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
279.You Goodbye
280.You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me.
281.You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
282.You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go
283.Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns
284.Your Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life.
285.You're A Cross I Can't Bear.
286.You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
287.You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
288.You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
289.You're Ruining My Bad Reputation.
290.You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
291.You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
292.You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
293.You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
294.You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart

Ed Palmer
02-21-05, 09:21 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_008a01c5149302242b4019014441lisa.jpg
I guess this is working

Ed Palmer
02-21-05, 12:44 PM
How Dogs and Men Are the Same



1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.



How Dogs are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch
(and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas
(OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies,
but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/My%20Pictures/cid_001001c51828e095cf80ba2d4840oemcomputer.jpg

Ed Palmer
02-21-05, 01:45 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/micebulb.gif

Sgted
02-21-05, 03:29 PM
THE YEAR'S BEST
[actual]
HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]


Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]


Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]


Enfield (London) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks
[Tastes like chicken?]


Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued
by Seven Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Can you believe it?)

Ed Palmer
02-21-05, 04:36 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/4e83846e.jpg

Phantom Blooper
02-21-05, 05:47 PM
A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even larger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?

In a huff, the woman yells out "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

Ed Palmer
02-22-05, 10:56 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/7d8d8280.jpg

Talk about a bad night

I dont think I,ve ever been that drunk ,Dont ever tak anything home that looks older than your Mother or uglier unles your from Arkansas or Alabama

Sgted
02-22-05, 11:45 AM
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence" says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth" says the Pope" they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief:"Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well", said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it is God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for his limo driver!"

Sgted
02-22-05, 10:06 PM
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 09:35 AM
STOCK MARKET WOES

I wrote my broker an email and asked him to review my holdings in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, and Northern Tissue Company. He wrote me back and said:

"Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit on your American Can, hold your Water, and let your Gas go. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue has bottomed out and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market. Be careful". Your Broker, Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 09:40 AM
I WANNA BE A FEMALE BEAR

Think about the life of a Mama Bear.

If you are a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. Before you hibernate you are supposed to eat yourself stupid. A mama bear gets to swat anyone who bothers her cubs and if your cubs get out of line you swat them too. If you are a female bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.

So I think living life as a mama Bear would be a good thing.

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 09:44 AM
POLITICALLY INCORRECT

The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For Example:

USA uses USS which means "United States Ship"

The British use HMS which means "Her majesty's Ship"

And now Italy uses AMB which means " At's-a-My Boat"

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 09:45 AM
AN OLD INDIAN STORY

An old Indian was teaching his grandson about life. He said, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is EVIL, he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is GOOD, he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The old Indian said, "the same fight is going on inside of you my dear grandson, and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought for a moment and then asked his grandfather , which wolf will win the fight? The Old Indian replied, "The one you feed."

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 09:48 AM
THE MEDICAL EXAM

I went to a new primary care doctor and after two visits and a lot of tests he said I was doing good for my age.

I was upset by that comment, "good for my age." So I asked him if he thought I would live to be 100?

The Doctor said, " well, do you smoke and drink?"

I said, " no I don't do either one."

He said, "do you eat a lot of red meat and salty foods like French Fries and stuff?"

I said, " no, not a lot, very little actually."

Doctor said, " do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, swimming and walking?"

I said, " not to much, a moderate amount."

He said, " do you gamble, drive fast cars or mess with women?"

I said, " nope, not much."

The Doctor looked at me and said, " They why in the world would you WANT to live to be 100?"

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 10:10 AM
ANOTHER BLOND LADY

A blond heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She called the dairy and asked to have 15 gallons of milk delivered to her home. The diary called her and thought that she meant 1.5 gallons.

The Blond lady said, " no I want 15 gallons cause I am going to fill up my bathtup with milk and take a milk bath."

The Dairy spokesman said, " Do you want it Pasteurized?

The Blond said, " No just up to my chin, I can splash it in my eyes myself"

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 10:13 AM
THINGS HEARD 45 YEARS AGO AROUND THE WATER COOLER:

· If prices keep going up it'll be impossible to buy groceries for $20 a week.

· A quarter a pack for cigarettes is ridiculous.

· If they raise the minimum wage to $1 an hour nobody will hire outside help.

· Women will never make up a large part of the work force.

· Nobody can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day for a hospital stay is outrageous.

Ed Palmer
02-23-05, 10:21 AM
Sex, Church and Pancakes


Teen-age Sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating
Susan!"


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put
five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shxit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Phantom Blooper
02-24-05, 07:29 AM
Elsie answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said Loren. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said Elsie. I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, Loren wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. "

Elsie stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!!!!

:banana:

Sgted
02-24-05, 07:32 AM
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car,! a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 11:18 AM
A lot of people asked me where the saying
"You gotta be shxting me" came from.
It so happens I know.
Way back, George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops.
They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.
The water was tossing them back and forth.
Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a
lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it
so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and
driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.
A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for hours
trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been
one their favorites.
An hour later Washington and his troops landed on
the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.
After awhile, Washington and his men could go no
further.
One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged towards the lights
and came upon a huge house there in the woods.
What they didn't know was this was a house of ill
repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door,
his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out
to see Washington and all his men.
A huge smile came across her face
to see so many men standing there.
Washington spoke up,
"Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are
my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need
warmth and comfort for a while.
Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there
and with a broad smile on her face said,
"Well General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?"
Washington said,
"Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without
Peters."

She looked at him and said: "You gotta be shixting me."

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 11:29 AM
Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two."

Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?"

Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?"


__________________

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 11:32 AM
Family Skeletons

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 11:46 AM
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 11:48 AM
Fastidious Housekeeper?

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Well, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 11:52 AM
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 12:00 PM
Subject: Southern Humor Y'all



A South Carolina redneck passed away and left a sizable estate to his
beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns fourteen.

Folks in Georgia now go to the movies in groups of 18 or more since
they
were told that in some theaters "17 and under are not admitted".

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee was raised to age 32 in an
attempt to
keep Alcohol out of high schools.

Reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi are called documentaries.

You know you are in Kentucky when you call the front desk from your
motel
room and tell the clerk "I've gotta leak in my sink", and he says, "Go
ahead... you paid for the room".

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE....... You can tell if a West Virginia redneck is
married... there is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

A new lottery system is in effect in Florida. It pays out $3,000,000 to
the
lucky winner. That is, $3 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Little Rock was recently destroyed by fire. In

fact, the entire trailer park was lost.

The divorce law in Tennessee was recently changed so that, after being
divorced, the couple can still be brother and sister.

The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas was Interstate 40.

An Alabama state trooper stopped a redneck in a pickup truck for
weaving on
the roadway. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The redneck said,
"Bout
what?"

Ed Palmer
02-24-05, 01:32 PM
Feeling Old?

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played PAC Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant "inline" for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, the Korean War and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you feel old yet?

Phantom Blooper
02-24-05, 02:45 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed
down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"
she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands together in his
groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands
inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How
does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts
like hell."
:)

nc.gal
02-24-05, 04:47 PM
01. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.

02. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.

03. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.

04. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.

05. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.

06. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.

07. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.

08. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.

09. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married on pencillin trying to screw your sister.

10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.

11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.

12. A cucumber won't fun off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.

14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.

15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.

16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.

17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them.

18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.

19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.

20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.

21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.

Phantom Blooper
02-24-05, 05:55 PM
So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I want in, I wanna fight." But his friend says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too old." "Fine," the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!" So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again.

St. Peter is watching all this, goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this guy?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought." So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"

St. Peter then says, "Now what?!" God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion." So St. Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?!"

God smiles and says, "Take his testicles." So St. Peter takes the guy's testicles.

The guy stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..."

Ed Palmer
02-25-05, 07:45 AM
Its that time of year again

A young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to
begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom
guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed
when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the
rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting
by having a little fun with the rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," repl ied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box
back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of
matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them
to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied th e Rabbi, "the I.R.S. And about once a year, they
send us a little prick like you."

Sgted
02-25-05, 04:13 PM
A blond and a brunette are on an elevator; suddenly a good-looking handsome man gets on. . So then the brunette turns to the blond and says, "Wow", he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off". . "I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders!" said the brunette. . All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused look and said, "Ok, but how do you give shoulders?"

Ed Palmer
02-25-05, 05:41 PM
Here ya go N C Gal


Subject: Lezbonics


Lezbonics............
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? ...A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ...A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ..Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? ...Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? ..Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ...A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? .Well Hung.

9. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? Potpourri.

10. What did the lesbian vampire school teachers say to her partner? ...See you next period.

11. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ..She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

12. How can you tell if you are in a tough lesbian bar? ..Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

13. Do you know what drag is? ...It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

14. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

15. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? ..She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

16. What's the definition of confusion? .Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

17. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? ...One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Ed Palmer
02-25-05, 05:45 PM
Old Geezer



The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order"bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman

could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh,she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever under estimate old geezers

Ed Palmer
02-25-05, 05:57 PM
THIS HAS NOT BEEN VERIFIED


Little Known Texas Facts!
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
Texarkana is closer to Chicago than to El Paso
Texarkana is closer to New York City than El Paso
World's first rodeo was in Pecos...July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in
North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after
John William Heisman who was the first
full time coach for Rice University, Houston.

Brazoria County (near Houston) has more species
of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home
of the only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in
1900 caused by a hurricane
in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

The first word spoken from the moon,
July 20, 1969, was "Houston..."
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.
Laredo is the world's largest inland port.

Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world' s
largest rose garden with over
38,000 bushes with 500 varieties on 22 acres.
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record
of 43" in 24 hours in
and around Alvin in July 1979.

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY,
instead of by
annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the
same height as the US flag.)

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

Dr Pepper was invented in WACO in 1885.
There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities ...
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S.
which is taller than
the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian
word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Mexican for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo.
The first domed stadium in the U.S.
was the Astrodome in Houston.

*An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo
is they always have four babies!
They have one egg which splits into four and
they either have four males or four females.

AMERICAN BY BIRTH. TEXAN BY THE GRACE OF GOD!
And, the San Jacinto Monument is
taller than the Washington monument!

Sgted
02-25-05, 09:49 PM
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after

accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian

couple and begin talking about all sorts of things.


Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop

computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up

the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.


"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners

for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the

Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half

an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not big enough!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his

palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's

quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty

narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each

pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire

measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad,

passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go

their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks


"Well, was it any good?"


"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.

How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "All she kept doing the whole time

was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Ed Palmer
02-26-05, 07:50 AM
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a Marine!!"

Ed Palmer
02-26-05, 08:03 AM
Here's a picture of a public toilet in Houston


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Publicrestroom.jpg

Now that you have seen the outside view of the toilet, just spend another moment scrolling down to see how it looks from inside.



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/Publicrestroom1.jpg

That's made entirely out of one-way glass. No one can see you in there,
but when you are inside, it looks like you're sitting in a clear glass box.

SCARRY AINT IT

Ed Palmer
02-26-05, 08:33 AM
Form US-0982-3322-J-66A
United States Department of Health and Human Services
Sexual Competency Test
Intended for rednecks in rural, backwood areas or mountain dwellers

Score 2 points for each correct answer.
Score 1 point for each partially correct answer
Score 0 points for each incorrect answer
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You may check both TRUE and FALSE if you
believe both answers are correct.



You may check neither box if you believe
neither answer is correct.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TRUE FALSE 1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
TRUE FALSE 2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
TRUE FALSE 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
TRUE FALSE 4. Vagina is a medical term for "Heart Attack".
TRUE FALSE 5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
TRUE FALSE 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
TRUE FALSE 7. Semen is a term for sailors.
TRUE FALSE 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
TRUE FALSE 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
TRUE FALSE 10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
TRUE FALSE 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
TRUE FALSE 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
TRUE FALSE 13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
TRUE FALSE 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
TRUE FALSE 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
TRUE FALSE 16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
TRUE FALSE 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
TRUE FALSE 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
TRUE FALSE 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
TRUE FALSE 20. Douche is the French word for 'twelve.'
TRUE FALSE 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
TRUE FALSE 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
TRUE FALSE 23. Pornography is the business of making records.
TRUE FALSE 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
TRUE FALSE 25. An erection is when Japanese people vote.



Scoring answers: 1. False, 2. False, 3. False, 4. False, 5. False, 6. False,
7. False, 8. False, 9. False, 10. False, 11. False, 12. False, 13. False,
14. False, 15. False, 16. False, 17. False, 18. False, 19. Both True and False are correct,
20. False, 21. False, 22. False, 23. False, 24. False, 25. False

15 or more correct answers is EXCELLENT
You have a well-rounded knowledge of sexual issues and are able to
understand and appreciate humorous innuendos on TV.

8 to 14 correct answers is AVERAGE
If female, you may be fooled by preditory males seeking release,
and are probably already a mother, or currently pregnant.
If male, you may have already fathered a number of children,
but are still able get busy on Saturday night, although you are
at high risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

0 to 7 correct answers is IGNORANT
You operate in a world of heresay and misinformation about
sexual issues and probably do not know where babies
come from. It is advised that you keep your clothes on at all
times when in the company of the opposite sex to avoid
pregnancy and disease.

Ed Palmer
02-27-05, 08:34 AM
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Ed Palmer
02-27-05, 01:26 PM
A Priest in a small rural town was very fond of the
ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in
a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the
Priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.
At the same time the Priest heard rumors of cockfights
being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided
to say something during Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you
will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men
stood up.

"No, no." he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among
you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All
the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "that's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that
doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the
question. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the choir
boys stood up.

Ed Palmer
02-27-05, 01:43 PM
NC Gal I( found what you were missing!
(a horny cucumber)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/holiday1.gif

Ed Palmer
02-28-05, 07:04 AM
Subject: The Queens Guards

As you may well know... the Queen of England has her picture taken
with her personal guards, annually. It usually gets published in
Newspapers in England. I rather think that this one was picked up by
many papers and-or magazines and we may see it around everywhere.

Somehow, I think that her Right-Hand Man is not going to have his job
much longer!!!!!! (Or maybe he will! )

Does answer the age old question regarding kilts.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/cid_00c301c51cdf33c43ab0d3286744yourxhtr8hvc4p.jpg

Ed Palmer
02-28-05, 07:07 AM
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.
But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shixtting all over the bed

Ed Palmer
03-01-05, 12:25 PM
and so it goes...

__






/'_'/
/_ /
/ /
/'_'/' '/'__'/' '/
/'/ / / / /_/
( ( ' ' _ > \
\ |
\ /
\ /

Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French,
anticipating victory over the English, proposed to
cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be
impossible to draw the renowned English longbow
and therefore they would be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English
Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was
known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
won a major upset and began mocking the French by
waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,
saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the
difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F',
and thus the words often used in conjunction
with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic
gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything!

Ed Palmer
03-01-05, 12:26 PM
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.

I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."

"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:02 PM
Student Science Exam

Excerpts From Student Science Exam' Papers ==========================================

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

The dodo is a bird which almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of converting steam back to water is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles come from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.

If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscence triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head olds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:03 PM
Gas Station Fill-up

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."



Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:03 PM
Doing the washing

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
`I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:04 PM
Classes For Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You've Worn Before

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:05 PM
Jonnys new radio

Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.
"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".
"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"
"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
"Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to **** the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"
He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"
His brother says with a sneer, "In a pig's ass you did!"
And Donny says "That ****IN' radio!!!"

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:05 PM
Can I Have A Drink?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:05 PM
Your Mama's so ....

·she orders a cheese burger from 'McDonalds' and says "hold the cheese"! ·she studied for a blood test and failed! ·she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court. ·she thought meow mix was a record for cats. ·she took lessons for a player piano. ·she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. ·she spent 30 minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'! ·at the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign Here' - she put Sagittarius! ·if you gave her a penny for her thoughts you'd get change ·she asked me, "What's the number for 911?"

! ·she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged! ·she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept! ·she sold the car for gas money! ·she took a spoon to the Super Bowl! ·she tried to drown herself in a carpool! ·she tried to steal a free sample! ·she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!" ! ·when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved! ·when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line, she put "O.K."

! ·when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home! ·when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead! ·when I told her to "Take the trash out," she moved! ·you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen! ·when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon! ·when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends! ·she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses! ·they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade! ·when I said we were playing craps she went and got toilet paper! ·she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project! ·she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store! ·she thought the board of education was a piece of wood! ·she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest! ·she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! ·she asked me, "what's that letter after X" and I said Y she said "Cause I want to know"! ·she ordered her sushi well done! ·she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"! ·if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless! ·it takes her an hour to cook minute rice! ·she got hit by a parked car! ·she sold the house to pay the mortgage! ·she tried to drown a fish! ·she tripped over a cordless phone! ·when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around! ·she'd have to be twice as smart to become a half-wit! ·when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."

! ·when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones! ·when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone."

! ·she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album! ·she thought asphalt was a skin disease! ·she sent me a fax with a stamp on it! ·she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum! ·she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses! ·if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose! ·I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, I asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail! ·she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed! ·she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu! ·she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with! ·she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center! ·she asked for a price check at the dollar store! ·she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff! ·she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's! ·that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

! ·she put a peephole in a glass door! ·she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death! ·she thought a quarterback was a refund! ·she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut! ·when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino! ·she thought she could get food stamps at the post office! ·she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff! ·she tried to mail a letter with food stamps! ·I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod! ·it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! ·she thought hamburger helper came with another person! ·I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it! ·she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company! ·she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box! ·she called the 7-11 to see when they closed! ·when we drove past the YMCA she said "Hey look, they spelled macy's wrong!" ·she jumped off a building in attempt to fly because she thought her maxi pad had wings! ·the worst six years of her life were grade three! ·she got locked in a bathroom and peed her pants!

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:06 PM
Valentines Day Jokes

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:06 PM
Valentines Slogans10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my *****.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:06 PM
National Love Making

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.

"She was in sheer ectasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:06 PM
Scottish Love Rites

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of na nookie?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awaity f*** ya bam.'

Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra milkman.'

Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?'
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. 'Go on yersel,' she says, 'list dinnae disturb me.'

Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'F*** me, I've shot ma load.'
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, '****e, arsehole.'
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?'
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:07 PM
Talented

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top ofher thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. Theblonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quitealright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make itblow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, whois completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I canalso make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussywinks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:07 PM
Three Coins

Place three coins on the table in front of you. Pick one up and place it against your forehead.

Does this remind you of your first sexual experience? If not, scroll down. . . . . . . . .

Now hold two of the coins against your nose.

Does this remind you of your first sexual experience? If not, scroll down. . . . . . . . .

Now hold all three coins in one hand and shake them vigorously. Does *this* remind you of your first sexual experience?

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:08 PM
Swimming the English

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

thedrifter
03-01-05, 10:08 PM
Special Viagra

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,

'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'

The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says,
'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'

Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'

The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'

The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'

The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'

Phantom Blooper
03-02-05, 05:43 AM
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

'' Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."

:)

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:41 AM
What Is Sex?


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:41 AM
The Soup


After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.

As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

"Yes ,sir, is there something wrong?"

"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.

"I beg your pardon, Sir?"

"Taste it."

"But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

"Taste it," Pa persisted.

"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

"Taste it!"

The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:42 AM
Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:42 AM
College Dorm


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:42 AM
Burglar


A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:42 AM
Yo mama so ugly...


Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma so ugly, she wasn’t beat with the ugly stick…the whole forest fell on her.
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like **** because he would rather kiss her ass.
Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:43 AM
Hillary's Pregnant


Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynaecologist how did things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape, and congratulated her on her pregnancy. She argued that she couldn't possibly be pregnant, but the doctor gave her a due date 8 months in the future. She stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist’s desk, grabbed the phone and called the White House. Then she finally got through the red tape and had Bill on the phone, she shouted, "You dirty bastard, you got me pregnant." There was dead silence on the other end of the line. After a few seconds, she yelled even louder, "You dirty bastard, you got me pregnant." Finally Bill answered - "Who is this?"

thedrifter
03-02-05, 07:43 AM
Favorite Animals


What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Ed Palmer
03-02-05, 09:43 AM
Happy snowman
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/image001.gif

Phantom Blooper
03-02-05, 07:27 PM
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"
:)

thedrifter
03-02-05, 09:23 PM
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How Much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:21 PM
Funny business: Readers share office pranks
March 2, 2005

One of my co-workers is a saver. About 15 years ago, our insurance company used a new password each week to identify company representatives. About a year ago, my co-worker found a file with all the passwords. He showed it to all of us and we all agreed there was no reason to keep it, so he threw out the file.

We have a sales convention every year and a top management person would leave company-wide e-mails to update us on information for the convention. A couple of days after my co-worker threw out the file, I called a top manager who sends e-mails updating us on the annual sales convention and asked him to send a fake company-wide e-mail to my co-worker announcing that there would be a contest at the convention and the person who could recall the most company passwords from the old days would win.

My co-worker read the e-mail and came out of his office white as a sheet. We only let him suffer for a couple of hours before we told him the truth.

Ann Mikiska, Farmington

The president of the company where I used to work had a very efficient secretary. When she put a stack of letters on his desk to be signed he didn't read them, just signed each letter and sent them back to her. The office jokester slipped in a sheet with the president's resignation on it, and of course he signed it. The jokester had a good time with it and no harm came from it.

Judy Abendroth, Sun City, Ariz.

Years ago when I was in high school, I worked at the Har-Mar Mall. My boss and I decided it would be funny if we put black shoe polish on the mouth and ear piece of the three pay phones near J.C. Penney, then call the phones. A lot of people walked by before someone picked one up to answer it, saying, "Hello, hello." Finally, they'd hang up and walk away not knowing they had black shoe polish on their faces!

William Loss, Lino Lakes

I work at an assisted living facility for the elderly.

One day when I was asked to get a urine sample from a resident, I filled the specimen cup with apple cider instead. When I met one of the nursing assistants and the maintenance man in the hall I said to them, "Doesn't this specimen look cloudy? And it has a very foul smell." Then I proceeded to drink it. The nursing assistant screamed and started to laugh. The maintenance man started to gag.

Then I repeated the whole thing with the director of nursing, who appeared to be in shock. Then she said, "I believe I have to terminate you because you are brain dead." And we both started laughing.

Shelle Hill, Minnetonka

I guess the funniest (and one of the oldest) office pranks I pull on co-workers is on April Fool's Day. I Scotch-tape their phone receiver "tab" to its base and when the co-worker answers the phone, it keeps ringing. The puzzled look on their faces is priceless, and the prank itself is timeless!

Colleen Meyer, St. Paul

At the security company where I worked, there was a fridge where we could keep our lunches. Quite often our food would get raided, and we were pretty sure we knew who the masked chowhound was. So the gal that I later married and I decided retribution was in order. We made Special K bars, which have a chocolate icing, and loaded the icing with a box of Ex-Lax.

I set the pan of bars in the fridge and, sure enough, I came back later to find a good chunk of the treat missing. Imagine our surprise when our suspect called in sick the next day. We just couldn't understand what might be wrong with him.

Jeff Ridley, Shorewood

Two guys in my office started sneaking into a third guy's office and taking all of his pens. Every day or so, he would come back from a meeting, sit down and not be able to find a pen. It wasn't an obvious thing, so he would just think he misplaced his pens and go get more. Then they would start to disappear. After a while, the practical jokers started putting all the pens back. Finally, the guy had pens all over the place. The best part was that it was subtle and it took a long time for him to figure it out.

Carol Becker, Minneapolis

This funny prank wasn't in the office, but in the vehicle compound when I worked for the Bureau of Indian Affairs in Arizona. The prankster would turn on everything in someone else's vehicle -- radio, windshield wipers, heat blower, turn signals, two-way radio -- while it was parked out back. When the unsuspecting driver turned the ignition key on, there was a blast of noise and motion.

Judy Erickson, Bloomington

When I worked in the telecommunications department for a large retailer and had access to wiring and cable, I made several handset (curly) cords that were only an inch long and replaced them on co-workers' phones. I would then call them and they would pick up their handset, pulling the phone off the desk along with everything else. Harmless and hilarious.

I'm told the "victims" held onto the cords to use on others every April Fool's Day.

Jill Huettel, Burnsville

Compiled by Delma J. Francis, who is at dfrancis@startribune.com.

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:29 PM
Two Hours


A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said, "All of you sons of *****es get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off now."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:29 PM
Redneck Vacation


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:30 PM
Digusting Cook


A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!", where upon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen."

The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:30 PM
The Race


There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:30 PM
CIA Test


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is yourfinal test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the ***** to death with the chair!"

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:30 PM
Men's Brains


Why don't men name there penises after women.

Because they don't want a woman running their life.

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:31 PM
Just an e-mail Note


An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:31 PM
The Penny


My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:31 PM
Reach the Doorbell


A priest was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy struggling to reach the doorbell. He walked up the driveway and pushed the bell for him.

"Now what" He asked

"Now we run like heck" was the reply.

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:32 PM
Blonde and Pizza


A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:32 PM
Jack


Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:32 PM
Wedding Dress


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

thedrifter
03-03-05, 08:32 PM
Big John In The Old West


A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

Ed Palmer
03-04-05, 07:16 AM
An office manager at the Altoona Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring
an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes
he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the
four
in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which
of
them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT".
It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just
there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the
second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it

ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING
ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning
to
Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same
question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.



"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling
so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK,
or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shxit in my pants.
Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Altoona Wal-Mart

thedrifter
03-04-05, 10:09 AM
How your date eats a hot dog reveals how good she is in bed!
WeeklyWorldNews
March 4, 2005

HEY, GUYS! You can find out how good your date is in bed if you buy her a hot dog and watch how she eats it, say an expert.

"A frankfurter obviously resembles the male sex organ -- and whether they're conscious of it or not, women respond to that in a number of ways," says famed sexologist Dr. Marcia Kenwood, of Boston, Mass.

Here, from Dr. Kenwood, are three common "hot dog eating behaviors" followed by comments.

1. Your date picks at and nibbles her dog. "Not a good sign if you're looking forward to a lusty round of adventurous sex," says Kenwood. "Women who pick and nibble are afraid to take chances or try anything new."

2. Your date snatches the dog off its bun, wags it in the air and then swallows it whole. "This isn't a woman for older gentlemen or guys with weak hearts," says Kenwood.

3. Your date puzzles over her hot dog, and then puts it back down on her plate. "Sounds like you're out with a lesbian," says Kenwood. "Better luck next time."

Ed Palmer
03-04-05, 03:23 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/NewQuarter.gif

Phantom Blooper
03-04-05, 03:32 PM
Once upon a time there was a female
brain cell who accidentally ended up
in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it
was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a
little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to
feel alone and scared and
yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from
far, far away...

"We're down here!"

:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-04-05, 03:34 PM
A woman married and had 6 children.

Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 3 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."
:banana:

sm@@thrider
03-04-05, 04:48 PM
^to Ed, Hey I want one of those quarters? looks cold in Louisiana

Ed Palmer
03-04-05, 05:38 PM
The difference between Hawaii and Alabama and Mississippihttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/hawaii.jpg

garryh123
03-04-05, 06:36 PM
The Pope - John Kerry & George W Bush & Dick Cheney

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...................how's the bait holding up?"

Phantom Blooper
03-05-05, 05:31 AM
Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir," how are you?

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.


"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"


With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"


The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?




:)

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:51 AM
The Florist's Mistake


On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.."

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:52 AM
Rats Bragging


There were three rats sitting at a bar. The first rat starts bragging about things he had done. He says; when I find a rat trap I lay down on it, I set it off with my tale, then I catch the bar in my teeth, then I bench press it about 10-20 times to work up a good appetite and make off with the cheese. The second rat says; well when I find rat poison, I gather up as much of it as I can and I take it home and grind it up into a fine powder to put in my coffee in the morning to build up a good buzz to last me all day long. The third rat gets of his bar stool and says; I don't have time for this **** I have to go home and screw the Cat!

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:52 AM
Horth


This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting ****ed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:52 AM
No Climbing


A little old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:52 AM
C-Monkey


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper : "I'll have a C-monkey please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:53 AM
Congratulations


I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter.

Your future father-in-law,

Jagmohan Singh, Ph.D.

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:53 AM
The Perfect Day According To…


HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - Oral sex
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch
3:15 - Oral sex
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink beer with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - Oral sex
6:50 - Huge dinner, more beer
8:00 - Fall asleep in front of TV while receiving Oral Sex
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:53 AM
When I Die


Husband: Honey, when I die, will you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:54 AM
Accountants and Engineers on a Train


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

thedrifter
03-05-05, 07:54 AM
Gore Quotes


- Al Gore, July 1999

Great quotes by our wonderful VP.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history, I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
--Vice President Al Gore
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
--Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
--Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore (Ed note. Hmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

Phantom Blooper
03-06-05, 05:38 AM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are so cold".

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs, your body heat will warm them up". So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold". The girl said, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up". So he did and warmed his hands.

The next day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said my nose is cold. The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up" So he did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was smiling when he got into the buggy with the daughter, and said "My penis is frozen solid"

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a Penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why yes, Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they??"

Phantom Blooper
03-06-05, 07:04 AM
The Marine General was inspecting the Company. He stepped smartly down the ranks of immaculate Marines. The General stopped briefly in front of one Marine and asked, "Where are you from Marine?"

" Iowa City, Iowa," the young Marine barked. The General nodded and moved on.

He next stopped in front of a very young looking Marine. The General smiled and looked down at him, "When is your birthday Marine?"

" May 5th sir," the young Marine barked.

"What year son?" asked the General.

The young Marine looked flustered for a moment, but then replied, "every year sir."

The General quit smiling, brought himself back to attention and continued down the line.

Ed Palmer
03-06-05, 09:04 AM
Someone out there can understand this I think we have all FALLEN FOR A LADY LIKE THIS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/GoodLooking.bmp

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:52 PM
Wall-It

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:52 PM
Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:52 PM
Lottery


A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You've got to meet me halfway on this. You have to buy a ticket."

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:52 PM
Comments At Your Funeral


3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:53 PM
Overpopulation of Nerds


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:53 PM
Every Man's Fantasy


In case you missed this in the newspapers a few months ago, there was a terrible shipwreck in which everyone died except 2 individuals. One average chap named "George" and supermodel Cindy Crawford. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.

After few weeks with no rescues in site, nature began to take its course and they started to make love. Actually, they started to make love quite frequently as there is not a lot to do on a desert island - no CNN etc., its just eat fruit or screw.

Now again, after a couple of weeks of making love, Cindy asks George with that famous beaming smile, "Is there anything, you know, extra special I can do for you George."

After reflecting for a moment George replies, "Yes Cindy, as a matter of fact there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt."

Cindy, always obliging, replies "Sure". She proceeds to button up his shirt. "That's great" says George, " Now could you put on my pants?"

"Okay" Cindy says, looking a little puzzled, but complying.

"Right" George says "Now my tie and put this baseball cap on and tuck all your hair underneath".

"If you say so." Cindy says looking even more bewildered. After she finishes with his requests she is standing there getting impatient and tapping her foot.

"Well, what do you want me to do now?" she demands.

George walks up to her and whispers in her ear, "Just between you and me buddy I'm screwing Cindy Crawford."

thedrifter
03-06-05, 03:54 PM
Texan in London


"Y'all got any American razor blades in here ?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good." the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it.

Phantom Blooper
03-06-05, 06:50 PM
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed recently.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at home.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started


:banana:

Phantom Blooper
03-07-05, 05:21 AM
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear ring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,and is
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Ed Palmer
03-07-05, 01:22 PM
My Dearest Redneck Son,



I'm writing this slow, because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so

we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained! twice last week; the
first time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest thing, but the baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the

normal has happened.



Your Favorite Aunt,



Mom

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:57 PM
Assorted One Liners


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.

What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
No...but I have been swung around by the tits.

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:57 PM
The Misunderstood Boy Learning ABC's


There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's".

That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?"She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The brother, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap."

The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:58 PM
The millionare with alligators


Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:58 PM
Anger in the Sky


God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is, he's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all. The worse news is he's mad and is going to end the world in a week.

"Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:58 PM
Best Son


Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:58 PM
Wealthy Man's Dilemma


A very wealthy man who has three beautiful girlfriends does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first girl goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third girl takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women used the money he gave to them.

Which one does he choose? The one with the big boobs!

thedrifter
03-07-05, 04:59 PM
The Karate Dog


Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

Phantom Blooper
03-07-05, 05:59 PM
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.



The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"


The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."


The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.


A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.


The bartender says "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"


The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."


The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.


The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.


He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.


The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"


The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."


The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"


The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:41 AM
Respect


Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:41 AM
From the Wife's Mouth


Top Ten Things You'll NEVER Hear A Wife Say

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p****!

4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart! Do another one!

6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Penthouse.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:42 AM
The Great Bar

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:42 AM
S.H.I.T.


INTEROFFICE MEMO

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:43 AM
Tag Sale


Preparing for a tag sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the tag sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar.

"This is a great deal," he said excitedly." It still has the plastic on it." Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:43 AM
Somewhere in London


An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know, boy," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:43 AM
Retiring Hooker


After working for many long, hard years a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she felt that she needed a change and committed to marrying only a virgin male approx. the same age as herself.

She took out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approx. 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they were soon afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?"

He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:43 AM
Suck Chocolate


A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:44 AM
Medical Student


There's a student in medical school who wants to specialise in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:44 AM
The Top Ten Reasons it Sucks to be A Dick


10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbour is an *******.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

thedrifter
03-08-05, 08:44 AM
Comments At Your Funeral


3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

Ed Palmer
03-08-05, 10:03 AM
Check this out new fuel gauge for cars
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/Ed15Palmer/NEWFUELGAUGEFORVEHICLES.jpg

COMES WITH ADD ON PRICE STICKERS SO YOU CAN ALWAYS UPDATE
DAILY

Ed Palmer
03-08-05, 01:03 PM
Train Ride
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigara for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car. So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car.' "So, we go to club car."

"While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."

"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! NofolkaVirginia!'"

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

Ed Palmer
03-08-05, 01:06 PM
Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps and his 17 year old sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"

Johnny looks up, stares all bug eyed and replies, "That's a mean mother****er sis!"

Sis asked, "Why do you think he's mean?"

Johnny said, "Just look at him sis, he's got blood in one eye and shxt in the other!"

Ed Palmer
03-08-05, 01:22 PM
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

Ed Palmer
03-08-05, 01:31 PM
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old



came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower. She said, Mommy, you are getting fat!"



I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt

Ed Palmer
03-08-05, 02:00 PM
Grandfather
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh
no,my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

sm@@thrider
03-08-05, 03:21 PM
An Army soldier was deployed to afghanistan.

While he was there, he recieved a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she had explained that she slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the soldier did what any squared-away soldier would do, he went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with cloths and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

thedrifter
03-09-05, 06:03 AM
Blonde Jokes


Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

Q: Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.

Q: Why does a blonde wear panties?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They are both ****ed when they're on their back.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
A: At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in
her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was
making love to him?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them ****ting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.