Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We're shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

[Ed Palmer]

"Bird Dog"

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed. Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that ****".

[Ed Palmer]

Down on Luck"

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.


"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.


"No, no boyfriend either."


"Do you have a partner then?"


"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."


After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.


"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."


"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."


"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."


"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"


"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."


"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."


At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"


"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.


"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[Ed Palmer]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".

[Ed Palmer]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
> Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
> breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
> lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US
Senate
> for assistance.
> The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.
> How might I help you?"
> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
> Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
> matter?"
> Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
> smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
> care of last rites!"
> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also
> obliged to notify the next of kin."



,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
75 Bucks"

A new prostitute approaches a group of other prostitutes looking for some good advice.
The group takes pity on the girl and gives her the prices they charge a John.

100.00 for straight sex and 50.00 for a blow job.


The young hooker is satisfied and goes on her way.


After about an hour the group sees the young girl rushing towards them with a big smile. "I had my first John she says." And they asked to hear the details.


"Well he is a sailor and had been on a ship for over 6 months.I took him up to a room and he asked me how much for straight sex. When I told him it was 100.00, he looked into his pocket and said he didn't have that much."

"He was really cute so I told him for 50.00 I could give him a blow job. Again he frowned and said he didn't have that much. So, I asked him how much he had. He looked into his pocket again and said he only had 25.00, so I told him for that I would give him a hand job."


The group looked at her and nodded approvingly.

"So, he dropped his pants and I reached down for his cock. He was so big I wrapped my right hand around it and then my left hand and then my right hand again."

The group was amazed. "What did you do then?" they all asked in unison.


"I loaned him 75.00 of course."

[Ed Palmer]

TINY BIKINI

16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

[Ed Palmer]

"Cajun Life"

Down in southern Louisiana lived a man named Thibideaux, who was deeply in love with Marie.
For years Thib has been asking Marie to marry him, and Marie always refused.


Finally, after a night of dancing and drinking, Thib again asked Marie to marry him.


Marie told him that she would sleep on it tonight and give him an answer in the morning.


Ol' Thibideaux didn't sleep at all that night with excitement and was knocking on Marie's door early the next morning.


When Marie sleeply answered the door, Thib wanted to know her decision.


Marie told Thib she thought about it all night and would agree to the marriage him under three conditions.


Thibideaux was so excited, he told Marie he would agree to anything.


Marie said, "Well Thib, you gotta put a water heater in your house...a woman cannot bathe in cold water."


Ol' Thib hung his head and said, "What else."


Marie says, "And Thib, you always picking your nose, a woman can't be with her man when he always has his finger in his nose."


Ol' Thib hung his head again and says, "What else."


Marie tells Thibideaux, "Well Thib, it's a woman kind of thing, but every once in a while, a woman likes to get on top."


Thibideaux hung his head and tells Marie, "My poor old daddy gave me the same advice all my life.


First, he told me to always stay out of hot water.


Second, he told me to always keep my nose clean.


But most of all, my daddy told me to never


fuxk Up....."


__________________

[thedrifter]

Colored hair

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny and Little Margaret

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.

0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

[thedrifter]

A Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[thedrifter]

Camel Wisdom

One day, a young camel decided to ask his father some questions about growing up. 'Daddy, why is it that we have humps on our backs?' 'Well son, we have humps on our backs which contain fat to sustain us through many days when we are out in the desert.'

'Oh thanks, Dad!' says the youngster. He then asks, 'Daddy, why is it that we have long eye lashes over our eyes?' 'Well son,' says the father, 'in the desert, there are many sandstorms which whip up a lot of sand which can get into our eyes. The long eye lashes protect our eyes from being blinded.'

'Oh thanks, Dad!' says the youngster. 'Dad, why is it that we have great big padded feet?' 'Well son, in the desert, the sand is very soft and we need big feet to be able to walk on the sand without our feet sinking into the soft sand.'

'Well thanks, Dad, but what the heck are we doing in London Zoo?'

[thedrifter]

A pair of cowboy boots

Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Bob says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bob yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Bob."

[thedrifter]

Slow Down the Cars

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[thedrifter]

The School Report

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."

[thedrifter]

Women had a heart attack

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[thedrifter]

Two horses

Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs.

One of the blondes said, "Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?"

[thedrifter]

Third Grader

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

[thedrifter]

Prayer before dinner

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted.

"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[thedrifter]

Late For Work

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Loaded Gun"

A man has a date with a beautiful blonde women and wants it to be perfect. He wants to look his best so he goes to the roof of his apartment to tan. He decideds to tan in the nude but falls asleep. When he wakes up he realizes that his penis is sun burned. Quickly he goes online to find out how to stop the burning. He finds a site that says if you put it in milk it will stop the burning. Hetries it and it works. The blonde comes to his house for dinner and everything is going great. Then, all of suden during dessert his penis starts to burn again. He excuses himself to the kitchen and pours a nice tall glass of milk and puts his penis in it. Suddenly the blonde walks in and sees him. Stunned she says "So that's how you load those things."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Message To The Aliens

One day the N.A.S.A. scientists and the astronauts were having exercise somewhere in the Middle America. They were practicing the expedition to Mars. This surrounding has been chosen because the ground looked similar to Mars' surface. Soon they got a company. An old Indian man was looking at them and he seemed to be very interesting in what they were doing. He asked them in his bad English, "What is going on in here?" They explained him all about their expedition to Mars. They also said that there is a possibility that they will discover a new life form there. An old Indian seemed pretty excited and delighted. His next question was, "Could you guys give my message to the aliens, if you will meet them by coincidence?" The group from N.A.S.A. liked it very much. The idea about sending a message from this old Indian man to unknown aliens was amusing and worth trying. So the man spoke a few words in Indian language (because his English was too poor) and the message was recorded on the tape. But because the guys from N.A.S.A. were a bit in a hurry they forgot to asked him what was the meaning of the message. This was not so small problem, since no one at N.A.S.A. knew Indian language. The next week the leader of the group was trying very hard to find someone to translate the message. At first he wasn't successful, but when he finally found someone, the meaning of the message was discovered. The message was, "Beware of these guys! They came only to steal your land!"

[Ed Palmer]

St Peter and God were discussing why he had made America so beautiful, look at the beautiful Lakes, the Mountains, the valleys full of deer and wild birds, why have the Americians been so lucky St Peter asks, well says God look at the down side, see who they have as neighbours.

[Ed Palmer]

A Lot Of Nerve!!!!!!


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the *******?

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shlty outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

[Ed Palmer]

Admiral Talk


A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied."Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

[Ed Palmer]

the hunters"

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?"

[Ed Palmer]

5th grade Ebonics homework

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics
homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.*

1. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate
My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that
catacomb.

4. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my ***** rectum both.

6. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send
me back to the joint.

7. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel

Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
"Bull****, that watch israel".

9. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the
poolhall.

11. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain
for dinner?"

13. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

[thedrifter]

Magic marker

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[thedrifter]

Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

[thedrifter]

The perfect day of Man & Woman

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 ****, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

[thedrifter]

Mom thoughts

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns'sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[thedrifter]

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[thedrifter]

Russian Roulette

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

[thedrifter]

Wishes of Rabbit and Bear

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog is hopping towards a water hole. The forest is so enormous that the frog have never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear is chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."

[thedrifter]

A Message from God

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

[thedrifter]

Husband Worry

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

[thedrifter]

Construction Workers

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.

So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so ****ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[thedrifter]

Olympic Condoms!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde doing something wild

A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before, rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."

[thedrifter]

Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder in a case where there was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

Knowing that his client would probably be convicted, the lawyer resorted to a trick during his closing statement.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for all of you," he said, looking at his watch. "In approximately one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He then looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, looked on eagerly. A minute passed and nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I made up the previous statement. However, you all looked on with anticipation. Therefore, I say to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, now clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Within a few minutes, they returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how," asked the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I watched all of you stare at the door."

"You're right, we did look," replied the jury foreman, "however, your client didn't!"

[Ed Palmer]

"Camels"

Sadam Husan and Osama Benladon are riding through the dessert on a camel. They ride by a station and a guy goes look at those two *******s on the camel.

Later on in the dessert Sadm Gought off the camel and stared at his ass and Osama said "what are you doing" and Sadam replies" the man at the station said that there were two *******s on this camel and I don't see the second one.

[Ed Palmer]

A man has a date with a beautiful blonde women and wants it to be perfect. He wants to look his best so he goes to the roof of his apartment to tan. He decideds to tan in the nude but falls asleep. When he wakes up he realizes that his penis is sun burned. Quickly he goes online to find out how to stop the burning. He finds a site that says if you put it in milk it will stop the burning. Hetries it and it works. The blonde comes to his house for dinner and everything is going great. Then, all of suden during dessert his penis starts to burn again. He excuses himself to the kitchen and pours a nice tall glass of milk and puts his penis in it. Suddenly the blonde walks in and sees him. Stunned she says "So that's how you load those things."


__________________


Shot in the heart"

Mary was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
?On a woman,? the doctor said, ?the heart would be just below your left breast.? Later that night, Mildred was found in the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[Sgted]

As we age, our priorities change .......

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

[Ed Palmer]

http://03d01

[Sgted]

Recently, a "Husband Superstore" opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attitudes as you ascended The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the superstore to find some
husbands..........

First floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"WOW," said the women. "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor, this door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f***king impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs !!"

[Ed Palmer]

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From:

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK

*

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

*

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

*

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

*

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

*

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

*

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA

*

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

*

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS

[Ed Palmer]

Mad Killers or Computer Nerds?????


Take the test and see if you know your Killers

from the Nerds ,you will be scored ,






http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
__________________

[Ed Palmer]

htTtp://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/ (http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/)

TRY THIS ONE

[Ed Palmer]

Airplane Repair Logs FROM MAG 16

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.
Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Furniture Business

The retired Marine officer had been out of military service for several years.
He had established a furniture store in in home town and was doing quite well.
He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France.

The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture back home to the USA, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark.

She nodded her head "yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant.

They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. The Marine could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, the Marine took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

To this day the Marine officer is still wondering how she knew he was in the furniture business!

[Ed Palmer]

hey cajun guy

Alligators


A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

[Ed Palmer]

A Lot of Good.....


Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

A FOOTBALL TALE
I think the same thing happened to Barry Sanders


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.
> > > > > > > > The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He
> had
> > > > > > > > scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European
> >Leagues,
> > > > > > > > but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl
> win.
> > > > > > > > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone
scene in
> > > > > > > > Afghanistan.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan
> > > > > > > > Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-
> > > > > > > > grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards
away.
> >KABOOM!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into
a
> >chimney.
> > > > > > > > KA-BLOOEY!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
> BULLS-EYE!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He
has
> the
> > > > > > > > perfect arm!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great
> game
> > > > > > > > of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The
> >young
> > > > > > > > Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and
when the
> >coach
> > > > > > > > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to
call
> > > > > > > > his mother.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman
says.
> "You
> > > > > > > > deserted us. You are not my son!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads.
> > > > > > > > "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm
here
> > > > > > > > among thousands of my adoring fans."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this
very
> moment,
> > > > > > > > there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a
pile
> of
> > > > > > > > rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of
their
> > > > > > > > lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the
house
> so
> > > > > > > > she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then
> tearfully
> > > > > > > > says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to
> > > > > > > Detroit!"
>

[Ed Palmer]

Baby Sister


A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

[Ed Palmer]

I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
> >
> >
> > IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
> >
> > HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
> >
> > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
> > Signed,
> > The Blonde

[Ed Palmer]

Aerobics For your Brain 2

1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?

(Scroll down for the answers)




















ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

[Ed Palmer]

Babysitting 2


With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

[Ed Palmer]

Baby Weight

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

[Ed Palmer]

Bad Knees

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

[Ed Palmer]

Bad Luck

A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"

[Ed Palmer]

Bad Weather

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."

[Ed Palmer]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it
would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask
the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I
pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to
our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I
smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means.
You can always pray whenever you want to."



Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you
ask.

For Example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project, don't
ask for the holiday; ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on
vacation?"

[Ed Palmer]

Bush woke up this morning and saw his shadow.
6 more years of war in Iraq.

[Ed Palmer]

Wisdom from Grandpa ......


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries




Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."


Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

[thedrifter]

Good eating

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

[thedrifter]

Mom's Failing Grade

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

[thedrifter]

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Two asses, they come together.

I come again.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come once-a-more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[thedrifter]

Zipper Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[thedrifter]

Blonde father

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

[thedrifter]

Vaseline research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for vaseline. Have you ever used the product?

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind, can I ask what do you use it for?"

"Well we use it for sex purpose."

The researcher was little shocked. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and keep the children out."

[thedrifter]

Teaching Italian to play golf

This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole".

The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your stick out and put your balls in the hole, but in Italia, we put our stick in the hole and leave our balls out"!

[thedrifter]

Too Tired to Go On

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.

So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[thedrifter]

Two stolen televisions

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes"

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions"

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes"

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

[thedrifter]

Endless War

Two doctors had boarded a flight out of Boston, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, an attorney boarded and took the aisle seat next to them.

The attorney kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The attorney said, "No problem, I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the first doctor's coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too.

The attorney said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

When the attorney returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long is this going to continue?" he asked. "This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes!"

[Ed Palmer]

Basic Training

After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out,

"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"

[Ed Palmer]

Bass Fishing


Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

[Ed Palmer]

Bathroom Sign


In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

[Ed Palmer]

Be Careful What You Ask For...

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer.

On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

[Ed Palmer]

Behind the Wheel


A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The thunder was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The man, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve ahead. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The man, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

He gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the azzhole who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."

[Ed Palmer]

Best Likeness Ever

The traffic officer stopped the woman. "Here's my driver's license and picture," she said.

"You know something," replied the policeman. "This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Sir," she replied, "you are looking at my thumb print."

[thedrifter]

Good Deeds

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

[thedrifter]

Lumberyard Sniffer

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.

"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised, and repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once.

Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary. "There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him. He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I want to confuse him..come back here, take off all your clothes, and lay on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood. Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't believe I've ever smelled wood like that before...let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what that is...can you turn it over?"

The secretary turned over. The blind man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell, it's the **** house door of a tuna boat."

[thedrifter]

Long Lost Friends

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's parents making love

Little Johnny is watching his parents making love in the bedroom through the key hole.

In some minutes his father asks mother: "Dear, who do you want now, a girl or a boy?"

Mother answers: "We already have a boy, let it be girl now".

Some minutes later father goes out of the room, Little Johnny wears off his trousers, turns so that his ass faces his father and says: "Dad, and I want a sword, a bike and a box of color-pens!"

[thedrifter]

The Photograher

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[thedrifter]

Appendic Surgery

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[thedrifter]

An Old Rabbi

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

[thedrifter]

Three Friends

Three friends who, after graduating from college, were meeting for the first time in years. They each had gone back to their native cities of Jullundhar, Bombay, and Calcutta.

The man from Bombay wanted to impress his two other friends with the medical expertise in Bombay so he stated: "I know of a doctor in Bombay who joined a severed arm with special glue."

Not to be outdone, the friend from Calcutta said: "That's nothing. One of the doctors in Calcutta recently rejoined someone's head with a special ointment."

"We have gone EVEN further," proclaimed the man from Jullundhar. "One of my uncles was cut into two right around the navel. Our doctor immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to my uncle's upper half. So we have my uncle as well as two liters of milk everyday."

[thedrifter]

Doctors At Heaven's Door

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free."

St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll let you in, but only for three days!"

[thedrifter]

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[thedrifter]

Woman had eight children

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were;

She said 'Kevin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

[thedrifter]

Blonde deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms".

"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

[thedrifter]

Good Deeds

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

[thedrifter]

Lumberyard Sniffer

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.

"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised, and repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once.

Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary. "There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him. He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I want to confuse him..come back here, take off all your clothes, and lay on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood. Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't believe I've ever smelled wood like that before...let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what that is...can you turn it over?"

The secretary turned over. The blind man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell, it's the **** house door of a tuna boat."

[thedrifter]

Long Lost Friends

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's parents making love

Little Johnny is watching his parents making love in the bedroom through the key hole.

In some minutes his father asks mother: "Dear, who do you want now, a girl or a boy?"

Mother answers: "We already have a boy, let it be girl now".

Some minutes later father goes out of the room, Little Johnny wears off his trousers, turns so that his ass faces his father and says: "Dad, and I want a sword, a bike and a box of color-pens!"

[thedrifter]

The Photograher

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[thedrifter]

Appendic Surgery

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[thedrifter]

Three Friends

Three friends who, after graduating from college, were meeting for the first time in years. They each had gone back to their native cities of Jullundhar, Bombay, and Calcutta.

The man from Bombay wanted to impress his two other friends with the medical expertise in Bombay so he stated: "I know of a doctor in Bombay who joined a severed arm with special glue."

Not to be outdone, the friend from Calcutta said: "That's nothing. One of the doctors in Calcutta recently rejoined someone's head with a special ointment."

"We have gone EVEN further," proclaimed the man from Jullundhar. "One of my uncles was cut into two right around the navel. Our doctor immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to my uncle's upper half. So we have my uncle as well as two liters of milk everyday."

[thedrifter]

An Old Rabbi

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

[thedrifter]

Doctors At Heaven's Door

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free."

St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll let you in, but only for three days!"

[thedrifter]

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[thedrifter]

Woman had eight children

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were;

She said 'Kevin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

[Ed Palmer]

Just 2 Drops of Water, Please.



This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify, save a copy till you do. (no matter how long).

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming! right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

You're gonna like this one



The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue

[Ed Palmer]

Big Steak

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

[Ed Palmer]

Birthday Quotes


I never forget my wife's birthday. It's usually the day after she reminds me about it.

When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

Birthdays, humph.... My folks were so poor we couldn't give my sister a sweet 16 party until she was 28.

On my 60th birthday my wife gave me a superb birthday present. She let me win an argument.

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

We know when we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.

It's so sad to grow old alone. My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows.

By the time the last candle was lit on her birthday cake in February, the first one had gone out. If she ever told her real age her birthday cake would be a fire hazard. When it was fully lit it looked like a prairie fire.

[Ed Palmer]

The Blarney Stone

Kissing The "Blarney" Stone Brings Good Luck

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[Ed Palmer]

Blessings!

A man goes to the track and sees a Priest blessing a horse before a race and quickly goes to the ticket window and bets. The horse wins. He watches the Priest carefully for the next four races, and continues to win, until he has quite a small fortune. He decides to bet it all on one last race.

Before the horse crosses the finish line however, it drops dead. The man rushes up to the Priest, confronts him with what he's seen and demands an explanation.

The Priest just shakes his head sadly and says, "That's one of the problems with you Protestants. You don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

[Ed Palmer]

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. As she waited for Joe Bob to finish helping a customer at the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf . When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it's $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled " Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot.

[Ed Palmer]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the blonde got off work late one night. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

[Ed Palmer]

A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and askedto buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

[Ed Palmer]

Bragging


At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
.................................................. .............................................
The Bragging Texan


A Texan was visiting a Maine farmer ("fahmah"). The Texas rancher was boasting to his host about the size of his ranch: "I can get into my pickup truck and drive all day and still not reach the boundary of my ranch", he bragged.

The Mainer shook his head knowingly, and replied, "Aayuhh, I had a truck like that once"

[Ed Palmer]

Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

[Ed Palmer]

The Broken Doll


Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

[Ed Palmer]

Thought of the Day

Never hold your farts in.

They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get sh**ty ideas from.

[Ed Palmer]

Burma Shave Signs


While these first short "signs" are from Cascade Express, there is information at the end of this piece which provides a very brief history of the signs and a link to a site with more information.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I've read
These signs
Since just a kid
Now that I shave
I'm glad I did
Burma-Shave

We don't
Know how
To split an atom
But as to whiskers
Let us at 'em
Burma-Shave

(Anti-inflation series)
Bargain hunters
Gather 'round
For fifty cents
Still
Half a pound
Burma-Shave
No price increase

A man
A miss
A car -- a curve
He kissed the miss
And missed the curve
Burma-Shave

And my personal favorite, although
I doubt if it was ever a real sign:

Her guy's whiskers
Just don't phase her.
He shaves with
Electric razor.
Why bother with
Burma-Shave


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Great Burma Shave Signs of Yesteryear
By Chuck Woodbury,
editor, Out West

Once, long ago, cars went slow and "super" highways were two lanes. One of the joys of driving back in those good 'ol days was reading the Burma-Shave signs by the side of the road. One after another, they told a little upbeat story, all with the punch line "Burma-Shave."

For those too young to remember Burma-Shave, it was a brushless shaving cream. Today, anyone older than 55 fondly remembers the red and white signs that advertised the product along America's rural highways and byways. On a nondescript stretch of road, where the best scenery might be a pasture with cows, the sight of Burma-Shave signs ahead was reason for celebration -- the monotony broken.
Special Seats
Reserved in Hades
For Whiskered Guys
Who Scratch
Their Ladies
Burma-Shave

http://www.outwestnewspaper.com/burmashave.html

[Ed Palmer]

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the National Anthem?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that children in other people's lives are not nearly as cute as those in mine.

I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left hand...
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!

Now- Have I already sent this to you???????
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

[Ed Palmer]

Todays Marine Corps

LETTER FROM A WISCONSIN FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE
CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marinen Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.

He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[Ed Palmer]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The
doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor
ordered. She did. He pinched
her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while
in a
detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said "No wonder
this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I
came."

[DanBO]

Why We Love Children



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."



2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice; "The big sissy."



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."



6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know,"
she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself; "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply; "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said; "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"; Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked; "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father; She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Ed Palmer]

Why We Love Children



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."



2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice; "The big sissy."



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."



6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know,"
she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself; "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply; "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said; "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"; Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked; "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father; She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[Ed Palmer]

SORRY ABOUT THAT I WAS SENDING THAT JOKE ELSEWHERE.
i JUST FORGOT WHERE IT WAS THAT I WERE

[Ed Palmer]

Buying a Cow


A certain car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer attached this "price tag" to the cow:


BASIC COW.................................$ 499.95
Shipping and Handling.....................$ 35.75
Extra Stomach.............................$ 79.25
Two-tone exterior.........................$ 142.10
Produce storage compartment...............$ 126.50
Heavy-duty straw chopper..................$ 189.60
Four spigot/high-output drain system......$ 149.20
Automatic fly swatter.....................$ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery................$ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns.........................$ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment...........$ 339.40
4-by-4 traction drive assembly............$ 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb................$ 69.80
FARMER'S SUGGESTED
LIST PRICE................................$2,843.36
Additional dealer adjustments.............$ 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options)......$3,143.36

[Ed Palmer]

CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

[Ed Palmer]

A New California Tax


CALIFORNIA DEMOCRATS PROPOSE LEGISLATION THAT WOULD TAX RAIN

SACRAMENTO, CA - Democrats, who control all three branches of the California State Government, today proposed legislation that would tax rainfall. State Senator Homer Sackworth told BNN, "We have found that homeowners in the middle and upper classes receive an unfair break on their water bills during the rainy season. During that time their water bill can go down by as much as 70% because their yards are being watered by the rain. People who live in the lower classes, who rent, don't get this same break. Their water bill stays the same throughout the year."

In order to make things fair for people in all socio-economic levels the Democrats have devised a system that would tax rainfall for home owners in the middle and upper classes. The tax would be determined by measuring a homeowners yard size and multiplying that number by the number of inches of rain fall each season. The tax would then be tacked onto water bills.

California Governor Gray Davis is said to be in favor of the legislation because it closes a tax loophole for the rich.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


BNN Disclaimer: This story is totally false not one shred of it is true! It was created for entertainment purposes ONLY. Any resemblance to the truth is purely polictial

[Ed Palmer]

Calling the Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.

After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

[Ed Palmer]

Canaries


A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

[thedrifter]

Rules of Combat
USMC


Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.

Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.

Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weaponand a friend with a big weapon.

In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.

If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.

Use a weaponthat works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel ****es in the flintlock of your musket."

Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
Have a plan.

Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don't drop your guard.

Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army

See USMC Rules for combat
Add 60 to 90 days
Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

Navy

Spend three weeks getting somewhere
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
Send in the Marines
Drink Coffee
Bring back the Marines

Air Force

Kiss the spouse good-bye
Drive to the flight line
Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.

[thedrifter]

How to Simulate Life in the Army


1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.

2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk.

3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.

4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.

5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.

8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.

9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!"

10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."

12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.

13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.

14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.

17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.

18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.

20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.

24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.

27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment.

28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.

32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days.

33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.

38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.

39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."

40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.

41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.

42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk.

43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.

47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole.

49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter."

50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.

51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.

52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.

53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.

54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.

55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

[thedrifter]

Cannonical Murphy's Laws of Combat




1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When they're ready. b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. If orders can be misunderstood they will be.
117. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
118. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
119. Mine fields are not neutral.
120. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
121. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
122. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
123. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
124. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
125. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
126. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
127. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
128. When you have sufficient ammo the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on ammo the enemy attacks that night.
129. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
130. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
131. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
132. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
133. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
134. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
135. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
136. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
137. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
138. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
139. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
140. All or any of the above combined.

[thedrifter]

The Difference Between the Infantry, the Artillery and the Armored






HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Armored: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Armored: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Armored: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Armored: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square


FAVORITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Armored: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Armored: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Armored: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Armored: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Armored: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Armored: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Armored: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Armored: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

WHAT OTHERS CALL THEM
Infantry: Grunts
Armored: Zipperheads
Artillery: Drop shorts

[thedrifter]

The Army MP's, the Marines MP's and the Air Force Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises the Instructor tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for dinner.

First up are the Army. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence occurs for 5 mins, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent work" says the Instructor.

Next up are the Marines. They finish their cans of coke, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their voices.

For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy but you got a result, well done" says the Instructor.

Lastly in go the Air Force Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme from Law and Order. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional cackle of a walkie-talkie: 'sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you' etc.

After what seems like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous Instructor.

"Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you to 5 hours ago!!!"

So back they go. Minutes pass, these minutes turn to hours and day turns to night. The next morning the Trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Air Force Police, stil holding the handcuffed squirrel, that is now covered in bruises.

"Are you serious?" asks the irate Instructor.

The Air Force team Leader then coughs and shoots a glance at the squirrel who squeaks, "Alright, alright I confess,I am a rabbit!"

[thedrifter]

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any

[thedrifter]

THE REAL NAVY!


There is segment of the US population who know too little of true Navy life. We all have friends, co-workers, and family members that think that the REAL Navy is a "TOP GUN " existence. You know those people that have watched one too many episodes of " JAG ", and think that the Navy life is glamorous.

Here are a few suggestion for those people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.

Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the drywall.

Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement " deck gray. "

Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 for a beer until you are hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

On Mondays. Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesdays and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. on Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

Raise your bed to within 36 inches of the ceiling.

Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out."

Have you mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the next day and read it to you.

Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for 3 days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "secured, contact OA DIV at X-3053."

Submit a written request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's o.k. for you to leave your house before 3pm.

Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home.... you can't leave until the next day.

Shower with above mentioned friends.

Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home, for example, become a dishwasher operator, blender technician etc...

Walk around your car for 4 hours and checking the tires pressure every 15 minutes.

Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly " lit off "

Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

Repaint your entire house once a month.

Cook all of your food blindfolded, grabbing for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. Now, chow down! you have 5 minutes....

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. losing every 5th item.

Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the weather channel.

Have your 5 year old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe and call it "world travel ."

" Needle gun " the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack and order them to man their battle stations.

Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham and hot dogs. repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu anymore and they just ask for hot dogs.

In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals.

Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. then tell them that at the end of the 6th week, you're going to take them to Disneyland for " weekend liberty ". when the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

[thedrifter]

Life Aboard A Submarine…




If you have never served aboard a submarine or do not know anyone who is or was a submariner, then this list may help you understand what life aboard a submarine is all about (Well..sort of anyway.) If you are a submarine veteran, you will probably find much to laugh about in the unique world of submarine life. These are but a few of the ways to experience (on the lighter side) life aboard a submarine. These are but examples, used for reference only, not for actual demonstration purposes. Read at your own risk.

Spend as much time as you can indoors during the daytime, stay out of direct sunlight. Go to work only before sunrise and come home after sunset.

Paint everything around you Sea Foam Green (Navy NSN Green, no substitutions) or Off-White to be sure you are living in a clean, happy environment. Every Friday, set an alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound. Then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and a greeny. Clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless.

Eat food that you can only get out of a can and requires water in order to eat it. Empty out your refrigerator and turn the temperature control down, turning the refrigerator into a freezer. Get rid of all fresh fruits and vegetables.

Repeat back everything spoken to you. Repeat back everything spoken to you.

Sit in your car for six hours at a time with the motor running. Keep hands on the wheel. But don’t leave your driveway. Log readings of your oil pressure, water temperature, speedometer and odometer every 15 minutes.

Put Lube Oil in your humidifier instead of water. Set it on high.

Buy a trash compactor; use it only once a week. Store the rest of the garbage in your bathroom.

Don’t watch movies except in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

Have the paperboy give you a standard Navy haircut.

Take hourly readings on your water and your electric meters. But only for a six hour period.

Sleep with your dirty laundry.

For you old mechanics, set your lawn mower in the middle of the living room while it is running. Only for six hours a day.

Invite guests but don’t prepare enough food for everyone. Serve food cold. Limit the time they sit at the table to 10 minutes.

Wake up at midnight every night and make a peanut butter sandwich, use stale bread. Better yet, make your own bread but cut 3 inch thick slices and use these. Optional: warm up some canned Ravioli or soup.

Make your family a menu for the week without knowing what food is in the cabinets.

Set your alarm clock for various times at night; adjust the volume to the maximum. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get your clothes on as fast as you can, run outside and grab the garden hose. Then go back to bed and do it all again when the alarm goes off.

Once a month take apart every appliance completely and then put them back together.

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 to six hours before drinking it.

Invite at least 85 people you really don’t like and have them stay for a couple of months.

Store your eggs in the garbage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed under your coffee table and lie underneath it to read books.

Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key around your neck on a special chain.

When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan when cooking. Use extra icing to level it off.

Every so often, yell "EMERGENCY DEEP!" run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off of the counters onto the floor, and then yell at your wife for not having the kitchen area "Stowed for Sea!"

Put on the stereo headphones (don’t plug them in), go to the stove and stand in front of it. Say (to no one in particular) "Stove manned and ready" stay there for 3 to 4 hours. Say (once again and to no one in particular) "Stove secured", then role up your headphone cord and put them away.

Pull out your refrigerator and clean behind it for 4 hours and then put it back when you are done. Have your wife come and check every 10 minutes with a flashlight to see how you are doing.

When doing your laundry fill it only 1/3 full, sit in front of your washing machine in your underwear and read a book or magazine you’ve read at least 5 times before in the last week. When the wash is done, only run the dryer for half the normal time.

Fix-up a shelf in your closet that will serve as your bunk for the next six months. Take the door off of the hinges and replace them with curtains. While asleep, have family members shine a flashlight in your eyes at random intervals and say either "Sign this!" or "Sorry, wrong rack!"

If you can do these. You can do just about anything!

[Ed Palmer]

TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED MEDICAL COVERAGE TO THE VA


(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them......... AND THE

NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE SELECTED THE VA:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you two Popsicle sticks and duct tape.

[Ed Palmer]

A group of professional people posted this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds. "What does love mean?"


When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. - Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. - Billy - age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other. - Kari - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs. - Chrissy - age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. - Terri - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. - Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. - Emily - age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. - Bobby - age 7 (wow!)

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. - Nikka - age 6

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. - Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. - Tommy - age 6

During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. - Cindy - age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. - Clare - age 6

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. - Elaine - age 5

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. - Chris - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day. - Mary Ann - age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. - Karen - age 7

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross. - Mark - age 6

You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. - Jessica - age 8

And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

[thedrifter]

Undressing in dark

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say, "said the druggist, "I know you- aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

[thedrifter]

Wear your pants backwards

An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest.

He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what it's about.

"Why do you wear your collar backwards?" The old Jewish man asks.

The Priest, being polite, responds "Well, Sir, because I'm a father."

"I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal."

"Yes," the Priest begins, "but I am father of many"

The old Jewish man shakes his head. "I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I don't know most their names, and still my collar isn't backwards"

The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm "Sir! I am the father of hundreds!"

The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest "Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards."

[thedrifter]

Obscene Note

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.

"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."

"Would it help to just write it down?"

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."

[thedrifter]

Marriages start with first phone call

How some Indian marriages start with first phone call. The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?

Boy: (****, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?

Girl: Speaking.

Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a ****ing relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually called!)

Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be wife?)

Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great ****ing start)

Boy: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an idiot!)

Girl: Yes.

Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?

Girl: Merrill Lynch.

Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!)

Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser)

Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)

Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)

Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you like to do in your free time?

Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies.

Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?

Girl: (****, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...)

Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.

Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?

Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.

Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?

Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)

Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.

Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)

Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So...

Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.

Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.

Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out?

Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting painful)

Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)

Girl: Cool

[thedrifter]

Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

[thedrifter]

A famous chinese detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he recieved this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.

I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.

[thedrifter]

Confession of married man

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

[thedrifter]

Chances of recovering

Carl, who has been very sick is visiting his doctor to get the results of a battery of tests. "What are my chances of recovering, Doc?" he asks.

"One hundred percent," the doctor assures him.

"That's a relief," Carl says. "But how can you be so sure?"

"Well," the doctor says, "statistics show that nine out of every 10 patients with your disease will die. Yours is the 10th case I've treated. The others have all died. So you are bound to get well."

[thedrifter]

Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh ****."

[thedrifter]

Lipstick

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors

[thedrifter]

Charging money for making love

Jealously eyeing her next-door neighbor's new mink stole, the young wife asked how she had been able to afford such an expensive item.

"You probably won't believe it," her neighbor replied, "but I saved up the money by charging my husband five dollars every time we made love."

That night, when her husband tried to fondle her, the young wife, determined to get a mink of her own, promptly stuck out her palm and demanded5 dollars. Fumbling through his trousers, the husband complain that he had only $4.50.

"For $4.50," she rejoined subbornly," you can only sample my affection!"

After several minutes of extensive sampling, however, the aroused wife realized she would not be able to resist her husband's advances much longer. In a final attempt to mintain her newly acquired bargaining position, she whispered in his ear," If it's all the same to you , dear, why don't I lend you fifty cents until tomorrow?"

[thedrifter]

Dark long big Tunnel

Berson and Ruth were in their honeymoon, riding in the day coach. They were passing through an exceptionally long tunnel and it was dark in the coach for quite sometime.

When they emerged into the daylight, Ben said, "Ruthie, if I had know it would be dark so long, I'd have done it."

Ruth cried, " Benson! If you didn't, who did?"

[thedrifter]

Was it a boy or girl?

The understanding employer was only too glad to give his clerk the rest of the day off after the young man explained that his wife was going to have a baby.

When the clerk came to work the following morning, the boss called him into his office to offer his congratulations and inquired, "Was it a boy or girl?"

"Oh, it's much too soon to tell," The clerk replied. "We have to wait nine months to find that out."

[Ed Palmer]

Raise your hand if you like the French, raise them both if you ARE French.
Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordian

[Ed Palmer]

The next time you,re having a bad day, Imagine this;
You,re a Siamese twin.
your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
your not.
He has a date coming over tonight .
You only have one azz.

[thedrifter]

Top 10 Signs that Your Child has Grown Too Old for Breast Feeding


10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Duelling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[thedrifter]

Pierre et Marie


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[thedrifter]

Catch Me Some Chickens


There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

[thedrifter]

Country Breakfast


A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[thedrifter]

God Will Provide


A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[thedrifter]

What's the Time?


"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" the blonde asked a man on the street corner.

"Sure... it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing -- I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

[thedrifter]

Ann Landers


Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our eam. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

[thedrifter]

The Code


A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[thedrifter]

Linguistics Professor


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double-negative forms a positive."

"In some languages, though," he continued, "such as Russian, a double-negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double-positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[thedrifter]

She's So Blonde


She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".

[thedrifter]

Too Hot, Too Cold


A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[thedrifter]

Psychology Class


The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[thedrifter]

Apartment For Rent


A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for £250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for £250.00 with the following note:


Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[thedrifter]

Lonely Out on the Farm


Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[Ed Palmer]

FARMERS pond



An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

[Ed Palmer]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

-- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

-- Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.

-- W.C. Fields


Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

-- Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!

-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

"This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

"That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Ed Palmer]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a books(a blonde cowboy) coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, guns and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"

Books says "Well it's like this hear, Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road ,with my friends daune and leo,and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top
and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,"Now go to town, books the blonde cowboy... "

And, here I am."

See.... Blonde Men do exist

[Ed Palmer]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. ipscone, smaller one, turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said Books the big 'gator, "what ya been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same's you," replied ipscone the small gator.

"Hmm. Well, where ya catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side the swamp near the parkin' lot, by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How ya catch 'em?"

ipscone the little gator sezs, "Well, I crawls up under one 'em Lexus and wait fer 'em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh*t out'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says BOOKS the big alligator, "I think I see yer problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourshment. See, by time you done shakin' the sh*t outta politician, there ain't nothin' left but an as*hole and a briefcase!"

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: They never learn
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for
her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state : Over the next few minutes, he
explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty
years
of
deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she
showed
him
stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over
$2
million,
and
informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the
bank.
She
explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and
>these
holdings
were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $ 3
>million,
her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally
he
found
his
voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I
would
>have
given you all my business !"
Sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.....

[Ed Palmer]

Computer Help

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

[Ed Palmer]

Congressional Mugging

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money

[Ed Palmer]

Contributions


A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

[Ed Palmer]

Church Visitor


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town wakes up early and goes to the local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 35 years."

[Ed Palmer]

Why Muslims Commit Suicide

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now... No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No Hooters, No Home Depot, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No beer.

No gumbo, No jambalaya.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas.

More than one wife.

No beer.

More than one mother-in-law.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

[Ed Palmer]

A squad of Marines was driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.
They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a
similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert.
As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had
happened. The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving north along
the highway.
Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier."
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable a** hole, and he
yelled back: 'Tom Daschle, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton are miserable a**
holes'.

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[Ed Palmer]

Coast Guard Cook

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.

[Ed Palmer]

Collection Case

A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply:

Dear Sir:

I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. And if I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim."

[Ed Palmer]

Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

[Ed Palmer]

Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

[Ed Palmer]

Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

[Ed Palmer]

Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

[Phantom Blooper]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.



One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.



This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," Said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."



It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."



"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake Slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft Cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."



"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in the U.S. Congress."

[thedrifter]

Homeless

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

[thedrifter]

The Toy

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother?

Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

[thedrifter]

Horny Parrot

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

[thedrifter]

If you are a good girl!

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

[thedrifter]

Email to Dearest Wife

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

[thedrifter]

The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

[thedrifter]

Business Trip

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[thedrifter]

Five Kinds Of Sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

[thedrifter]

I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, mad, useless!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[thedrifter]

Redneck Winner

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

[thedrifter]

Proxy father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Ed Palmer]

The Penis Study


In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the University published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

University of Minnesota, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[thedrifter]

Cigars For The Judge


A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

[thedrifter]

Blondes and Babies


A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

[thedrifter]

Married Italian


Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

[thedrifter]

Grasshopper


A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "Why in hell do you have a drink named Bob?"

[thedrifter]

The Great Bar

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

[thedrifter]

Elementary, My Dear Watson


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[thedrifter]

Beer Help


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[thedrifter]

The Misunderstood Boy Learning ABC's


There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's".

That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?"She says, "Shut up!" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The brother, who was reading comics, said, "Superman!" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap."

The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman!" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."

[thedrifter]

Examinations


An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

[thedrifter]

Wrapping Paper


A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...

[thedrifter]

Three Old Men


Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

[thedrifter]

Hillary's Pregnant


Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynaecologist how did things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape, and congratulated her on her pregnancy. She argued that she couldn't possibly be pregnant, but the doctor gave her a due date 8 months in the future. She stormed out of the office, went to the receptionist’s desk, grabbed the phone and called the White House. Then she finally got through the red tape and had Bill on the phone, she shouted, "You dirty bastard, you got me pregnant." There was dead silence on the other end of the line. After a few seconds, she yelled even louder, "You dirty bastard, you got me pregnant." Finally Bill answered - "Who is this?"

[thedrifter]

Statistics


Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

[thedrifter]

Wedding Dress


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[thedrifter]

Little Flasher


There was an exhibitionist that wanted to flash someone. He went to the airport and looked around. He saw a young lady taking tickets and he went to the end of the line. When he got to the front, he opened his jacket and flashed her.

She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

[Ed Palmer]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's
Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult
decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a
pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His
sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully
wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in
the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not
been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she
prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other
hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope
you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with
just a little fur showing.

[thedrifter]

What's It Like In Heaven?


There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

[thedrifter]

Are you kidding?


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[thedrifter]

Slow Down vs. Stop


One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer."

[thedrifter]

Riddles!


I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?


A NOSE

I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?


PEANUT BUTTER

I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?


A CRANE

Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. What am I?


THE TITANIC

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?


A TENT

When I go in, I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?


A DENTIST

A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?


A WEDDING RING

All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?


AN ELEVATOR

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?


CHEWING GUM

If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?


A NEWSPAPER BOY

[thedrifter]

Escape


A hillbilly was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle Joe from Chicago has died and left him over $100,000. The hillbilly was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. The Hillbilly said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer. The warden said "sure" and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.

The warden asked the Hillbilly what happened. The Hillbilly said it didn't work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. The Hillbilly said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.

The Hillbilly said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: the cost
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and
her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was something
that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she

would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,but I

have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she

returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car and $3,000 a month living expenses

[thedrifter]

Two Blondes at Riverside


Two blondes were standing across from each other on opposite sides of a river.

The first blonde asked, "How do you get to the other side?"

The second blonde scratched her head, thought for a moment and replied, "Duhhh. You already are on the other side!"

[thedrifter]

The Golden Saloon


A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that ****ed in your saxophone last night!"

[thedrifter]

A Little Nature Story


There's a lake in the woods and a fly is flying over the water. There's a fish in the water, and he thinks, if the fly drops two inches, I can jump out of the water and eat the fly.

There's also a bear beside the river and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out of the water, and I can eat the fish.

There's a hunter in the woods and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, and I can shoot the bear.

There's a mouse behind the hunter, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket.

There's a cat watching the mouse, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket, and I can eat the mouse.

So this is what happens: the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps for the fly, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun knocks the ham and cheese sandwich out of his pocket, the mouse goes after the sandwich, the cat goes after the mouse, slips, and falls into the water.

The moral of the story? It takes a lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet.

[thedrifter]

Horseback Riding


A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

[thedrifter]

Sunbathing On Top Of Hotel


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[thedrifter]

Bill and Hillary


Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.

No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'

[thedrifter]

Weight Loss Program


An overweight man is sitting at home watching T.V., when a commercial comes on and says "100% guarantee you will lose weight!!!" The man is a little sceptical, but he figures it won't hurt to try. He drives to the place, walks in and says, “I saw your commercial and I want to see if it works or not. The receptionist tells the man he has to pay a dollar a pound. He gives her a ten dollar bill and says he wants to lose ten pounds. The receptionist points him to a room down the hall. He walks in the room.

There is nothing in the room except a table in the middle of it. All of a sudden, a voice comes over the p.a. system and tells him to take off all of his clothes. He figures, “what the hell," so he takes off all of his clothes. He was standing in the room naked for a few minutes when a women walks in with a bikini on. This is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Then another voice came over the p.a. system and said, "If you catch her, you can have her." Half an hour later, the man comes out of the room. He lost his ten pounds!!!

The next day the man walks in and says he wanted to lose twenty pounds. He gave them twenty dollars. As he walked into the room and took off all of his clothes. Another women walked into the room, more beautiful than the other one, but she is naked. A voice comes over the p.a. and says "If you catch her, you can have her." Half an hour later the man comes out and has lost twenty pounds!!!

He goes back the next day and says "Since I'm losing my weight like you said, I want to lose fifty pounds this time!" The man walks into the room, takes off all of his clothes and waits for a women to walk in the door. To his surprise a six foot, two hundred pound man walks into the room wearing a Speedo. Then a voice came over the p.a. and said, "If he catches you, he can have you."

[thedrifter]

Miss Right


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always!

[sm@@thrider]

I bet he was a blonde, lol

A hillbilly was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle Joe from Chicago has died and left him over $100,000. The hillbilly was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. The Hillbilly said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer. The warden said "sure" and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.

The warden asked the Hillbilly what happened. The Hillbilly said it didn't work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. The Hillbilly said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.

The Hillbilly said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq." [/B][/QUOTE]

[nc.gal]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "my penis died today and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes , you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?", asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing !!"

[thedrifter]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, when all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave! He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!". He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!". With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of newspaper read.....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.

[thedrifter]

Secrets of Woman

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman can keep a secret," said one man, scornfully.

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

[thedrifter]

Bad Eyesight

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[thedrifter]

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[thedrifter]

Crystal Bowl

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary has flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[thedrifter]

Little Boy's Extortion

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here," the priest says!

[thedrifter]

The Devil

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

[thedrifter]

New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

[thedrifter]

Jumping blonde

A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.

When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.

When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.

When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."

[thedrifter]

Legless Frog

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance.

"12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!"

The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!"

Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog.

"The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

[thedrifter]

Hole Behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampon."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[thedrifter]

Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."

[thedrifter]

Lawyer and Policeman

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

[thedrifter]

I just had a dream about it
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

[thedrifter]

I'm sending out some cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[thedrifter]

Economist Valentines
Top economist Valentine's Day cards

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Let's raise housing starts together.

2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.

1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

[thedrifter]

Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

[thedrifter]

Prison Vs. Work Debate


IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from
the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

[thedrifter]

Injured Golfer


A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.He finally gets himself to the doctor.He says, "How bad is it doc?I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.It should be okay next week."So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.This was the first time he ever saw them.She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[thedrifter]

The Artist


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor.""

[thedrifter]

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

The man calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

[thedrifter]

What's It Like In Heaven?


There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

[thedrifter]

Airsick


A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"