Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We're shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

[Ed Palmer]

"Bird Dog"

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed. Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that ****".

[Ed Palmer]

Down on Luck"

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.


"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.


"No, no boyfriend either."


"Do you have a partner then?"


"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."


After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.


"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."


"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."


"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."


"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"


"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."


"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."


At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"


"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.


"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

[Ed Palmer]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".

[Ed Palmer]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
> Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
> breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass
> lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US
Senate
> for assistance.
> The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.
> How might I help you?"
> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
> Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
> matter?"
> Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
> smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took
> care of last rites!"
> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also
> obliged to notify the next of kin."



,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
75 Bucks"

A new prostitute approaches a group of other prostitutes looking for some good advice.
The group takes pity on the girl and gives her the prices they charge a John.

100.00 for straight sex and 50.00 for a blow job.


The young hooker is satisfied and goes on her way.


After about an hour the group sees the young girl rushing towards them with a big smile. "I had my first John she says." And they asked to hear the details.


"Well he is a sailor and had been on a ship for over 6 months.I took him up to a room and he asked me how much for straight sex. When I told him it was 100.00, he looked into his pocket and said he didn't have that much."

"He was really cute so I told him for 50.00 I could give him a blow job. Again he frowned and said he didn't have that much. So, I asked him how much he had. He looked into his pocket again and said he only had 25.00, so I told him for that I would give him a hand job."


The group looked at her and nodded approvingly.

"So, he dropped his pants and I reached down for his cock. He was so big I wrapped my right hand around it and then my left hand and then my right hand again."

The group was amazed. "What did you do then?" they all asked in unison.


"I loaned him 75.00 of course."

[Ed Palmer]

TINY BIKINI

16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

[Ed Palmer]

"Cajun Life"

Down in southern Louisiana lived a man named Thibideaux, who was deeply in love with Marie.
For years Thib has been asking Marie to marry him, and Marie always refused.


Finally, after a night of dancing and drinking, Thib again asked Marie to marry him.


Marie told him that she would sleep on it tonight and give him an answer in the morning.


Ol' Thibideaux didn't sleep at all that night with excitement and was knocking on Marie's door early the next morning.


When Marie sleeply answered the door, Thib wanted to know her decision.


Marie told Thib she thought about it all night and would agree to the marriage him under three conditions.


Thibideaux was so excited, he told Marie he would agree to anything.


Marie said, "Well Thib, you gotta put a water heater in your house...a woman cannot bathe in cold water."


Ol' Thib hung his head and said, "What else."


Marie says, "And Thib, you always picking your nose, a woman can't be with her man when he always has his finger in his nose."


Ol' Thib hung his head again and says, "What else."


Marie tells Thibideaux, "Well Thib, it's a woman kind of thing, but every once in a while, a woman likes to get on top."


Thibideaux hung his head and tells Marie, "My poor old daddy gave me the same advice all my life.


First, he told me to always stay out of hot water.


Second, he told me to always keep my nose clean.


But most of all, my daddy told me to never


fuxk Up....."


__________________

[thedrifter]

Colored hair

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny and Little Margaret

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.

0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

[thedrifter]

A Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[thedrifter]

Camel Wisdom

One day, a young camel decided to ask his father some questions about growing up. 'Daddy, why is it that we have humps on our backs?' 'Well son, we have humps on our backs which contain fat to sustain us through many days when we are out in the desert.'

'Oh thanks, Dad!' says the youngster. He then asks, 'Daddy, why is it that we have long eye lashes over our eyes?' 'Well son,' says the father, 'in the desert, there are many sandstorms which whip up a lot of sand which can get into our eyes. The long eye lashes protect our eyes from being blinded.'

'Oh thanks, Dad!' says the youngster. 'Dad, why is it that we have great big padded feet?' 'Well son, in the desert, the sand is very soft and we need big feet to be able to walk on the sand without our feet sinking into the soft sand.'

'Well thanks, Dad, but what the heck are we doing in London Zoo?'

[thedrifter]

A pair of cowboy boots

Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Bob says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bob yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Bob."

[thedrifter]

Slow Down the Cars

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

[thedrifter]

The School Report

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."

[thedrifter]

Women had a heart attack

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[thedrifter]

Two horses

Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs.

One of the blondes said, "Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?"

[thedrifter]

Third Grader

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

[thedrifter]

Prayer before dinner

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted.

"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[thedrifter]

Late For Work

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Loaded Gun"

A man has a date with a beautiful blonde women and wants it to be perfect. He wants to look his best so he goes to the roof of his apartment to tan. He decideds to tan in the nude but falls asleep. When he wakes up he realizes that his penis is sun burned. Quickly he goes online to find out how to stop the burning. He finds a site that says if you put it in milk it will stop the burning. Hetries it and it works. The blonde comes to his house for dinner and everything is going great. Then, all of suden during dessert his penis starts to burn again. He excuses himself to the kitchen and pours a nice tall glass of milk and puts his penis in it. Suddenly the blonde walks in and sees him. Stunned she says "So that's how you load those things."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Message To The Aliens

One day the N.A.S.A. scientists and the astronauts were having exercise somewhere in the Middle America. They were practicing the expedition to Mars. This surrounding has been chosen because the ground looked similar to Mars' surface. Soon they got a company. An old Indian man was looking at them and he seemed to be very interesting in what they were doing. He asked them in his bad English, "What is going on in here?" They explained him all about their expedition to Mars. They also said that there is a possibility that they will discover a new life form there. An old Indian seemed pretty excited and delighted. His next question was, "Could you guys give my message to the aliens, if you will meet them by coincidence?" The group from N.A.S.A. liked it very much. The idea about sending a message from this old Indian man to unknown aliens was amusing and worth trying. So the man spoke a few words in Indian language (because his English was too poor) and the message was recorded on the tape. But because the guys from N.A.S.A. were a bit in a hurry they forgot to asked him what was the meaning of the message. This was not so small problem, since no one at N.A.S.A. knew Indian language. The next week the leader of the group was trying very hard to find someone to translate the message. At first he wasn't successful, but when he finally found someone, the meaning of the message was discovered. The message was, "Beware of these guys! They came only to steal your land!"

[Ed Palmer]

St Peter and God were discussing why he had made America so beautiful, look at the beautiful Lakes, the Mountains, the valleys full of deer and wild birds, why have the Americians been so lucky St Peter asks, well says God look at the down side, see who they have as neighbours.

[Ed Palmer]

A Lot Of Nerve!!!!!!


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the *******?

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shlty outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

[Ed Palmer]

Admiral Talk


A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied."Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

[Ed Palmer]

the hunters"

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?"

[Ed Palmer]

5th grade Ebonics homework

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics
homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.*

1. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate
My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that
catacomb.

4. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my ***** rectum both.

6. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send
me back to the joint.

7. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel

Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
"Bull****, that watch israel".

9. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the
poolhall.

11. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain
for dinner?"

13. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

[thedrifter]

Magic marker

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[thedrifter]

Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

[thedrifter]

The perfect day of Man & Woman

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 ****, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

[thedrifter]

Mom thoughts

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns'sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[thedrifter]

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[thedrifter]

Russian Roulette

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

[thedrifter]

Wishes of Rabbit and Bear

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog is hopping towards a water hole. The forest is so enormous that the frog have never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear is chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."

[thedrifter]

A Message from God

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Huge 250-pound rugby player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The rugby player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

[thedrifter]

Husband Worry

This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

[thedrifter]

Construction Workers

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.

So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so ****ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[thedrifter]

Olympic Condoms!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[thedrifter]

Blonde doing something wild

A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before, rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."

[thedrifter]

Murder Trial

A defendant was on trial for murder in a case where there was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

Knowing that his client would probably be convicted, the lawyer resorted to a trick during his closing statement.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for all of you," he said, looking at his watch. "In approximately one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He then looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, looked on eagerly. A minute passed and nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I made up the previous statement. However, you all looked on with anticipation. Therefore, I say to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, now clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Within a few minutes, they returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how," asked the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I watched all of you stare at the door."

"You're right, we did look," replied the jury foreman, "however, your client didn't!"

[Ed Palmer]

"Camels"

Sadam Husan and Osama Benladon are riding through the dessert on a camel. They ride by a station and a guy goes look at those two *******s on the camel.

Later on in the dessert Sadm Gought off the camel and stared at his ass and Osama said "what are you doing" and Sadam replies" the man at the station said that there were two *******s on this camel and I don't see the second one.

[Ed Palmer]

A man has a date with a beautiful blonde women and wants it to be perfect. He wants to look his best so he goes to the roof of his apartment to tan. He decideds to tan in the nude but falls asleep. When he wakes up he realizes that his penis is sun burned. Quickly he goes online to find out how to stop the burning. He finds a site that says if you put it in milk it will stop the burning. Hetries it and it works. The blonde comes to his house for dinner and everything is going great. Then, all of suden during dessert his penis starts to burn again. He excuses himself to the kitchen and pours a nice tall glass of milk and puts his penis in it. Suddenly the blonde walks in and sees him. Stunned she says "So that's how you load those things."


__________________


Shot in the heart"

Mary was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
?On a woman,? the doctor said, ?the heart would be just below your left breast.? Later that night, Mildred was found in the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[Sgted]

As we age, our priorities change .......

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes."Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

[Ed Palmer]

http://03d01

[Sgted]

Recently, a "Husband Superstore" opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attitudes as you ascended The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the superstore to find some
husbands..........

First floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"WOW," said the women. "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor, this door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f***king impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs !!"

[Ed Palmer]

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From:

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK

*

One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

*

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

*

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

*

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

*

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

*

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA

*

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

*

One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS

[Ed Palmer]

Mad Killers or Computer Nerds?????


Take the test and see if you know your Killers

from the Nerds ,you will be scored ,






http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
__________________

[Ed Palmer]

htTtp://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/ (http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/)

TRY THIS ONE

[Ed Palmer]

Airplane Repair Logs FROM MAG 16

These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:

Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."

Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."

Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.
Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.

Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Furniture Business

The retired Marine officer had been out of military service for several years.
He had established a furniture store in in home town and was doing quite well.
He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France.

The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture back home to the USA, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark.

She nodded her head "yes."

They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant.

They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. The Marine could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, the Marine took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.

The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.

To this day the Marine officer is still wondering how she knew he was in the furniture business!

[Ed Palmer]

hey cajun guy

Alligators


A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

[Ed Palmer]

A Lot of Good.....


Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

A FOOTBALL TALE
I think the same thing happened to Barry Sanders


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.
> > > > > > > > The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He
> had
> > > > > > > > scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and
European
> >Leagues,
> > > > > > > > but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl
> win.
> > > > > > > > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone
scene in
> > > > > > > > Afghanistan.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan
> > > > > > > > Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-
> > > > > > > > grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards
away.
> >KABOOM!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into
a
> >chimney.
> > > > > > > > KA-BLOOEY!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
> BULLS-EYE!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He
has
> the
> > > > > > > > perfect arm!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great
> game
> > > > > > > > of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The
> >young
> > > > > > > > Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and
when the
> >coach
> > > > > > > > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to
call
> > > > > > > > his mother.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super
Bowl!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman
says.
> "You
> > > > > > > > deserted us. You are not my son!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads.
> > > > > > > > "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm
here
> > > > > > > > among thousands of my adoring fans."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this
very
> moment,
> > > > > > > > there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a
pile
> of
> > > > > > > > rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of
their
> > > > > > > > lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the
house
> so
> > > > > > > > she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then
> tearfully
> > > > > > > > says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to
> > > > > > > Detroit!"
>

[Ed Palmer]

Baby Sister


A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

[Ed Palmer]

I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
> >
> >
> > IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
> >
> > HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
> >
> > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
> > Signed,
> > The Blonde

[Ed Palmer]

Aerobics For your Brain 2

1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?

(Scroll down for the answers)




















ANSWERS:

(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

(2) There are twelve (not four).

(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.

(6) Horse racing.

(7) The President.

(8) Throw the ball straight up.

(9) Suicide.

(10) Sleeplessness.

(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.

(12) You will have two apples.

(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.

[Ed Palmer]

Babysitting 2


With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

[Ed Palmer]

Baby Weight

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

[Ed Palmer]

Bad Knees

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

[Ed Palmer]

Bad Luck

A woman's husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I consider all that, I think you bring me bad luck!"

[Ed Palmer]

Bad Weather

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."

[Ed Palmer]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it
would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask
the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I
pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to
our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I
smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means.
You can always pray whenever you want to."



Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you
ask.

For Example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project, don't
ask for the holiday; ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on
vacation?"

[Ed Palmer]

Bush woke up this morning and saw his shadow.
6 more years of war in Iraq.

[Ed Palmer]

Wisdom from Grandpa ......


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries




Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."


Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

[thedrifter]

Good eating

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

[thedrifter]

Mom's Failing Grade

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

[thedrifter]

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Two asses, they come together.

I come again.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come once-a-more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[thedrifter]

Zipper Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[thedrifter]

Blonde father

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

[thedrifter]

Vaseline research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for vaseline. Have you ever used the product?

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind, can I ask what do you use it for?"

"Well we use it for sex purpose."

The researcher was little shocked. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and keep the children out."

[thedrifter]

Teaching Italian to play golf

This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole".

The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your stick out and put your balls in the hole, but in Italia, we put our stick in the hole and leave our balls out"!

[thedrifter]

Too Tired to Go On

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.

So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[thedrifter]

Two stolen televisions

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes"

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions"

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes"

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

[thedrifter]

Endless War

Two doctors had boarded a flight out of Boston, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, an attorney boarded and took the aisle seat next to them.

The attorney kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The attorney said, "No problem, I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the first doctor's coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too.

The attorney said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

When the attorney returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long is this going to continue?" he asked. "This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes!"

[Ed Palmer]

Basic Training

After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out,

"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"

[Ed Palmer]

Bass Fishing


Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

[Ed Palmer]

Bathroom Sign


In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

[Ed Palmer]

Be Careful What You Ask For...

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer.

On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

[Ed Palmer]

Behind the Wheel


A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The thunder was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The man, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve ahead. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The man, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

He gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the azzhole who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."

[Ed Palmer]

Best Likeness Ever

The traffic officer stopped the woman. "Here's my driver's license and picture," she said.

"You know something," replied the policeman. "This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have the photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Sir," she replied, "you are looking at my thumb print."

[thedrifter]

Good Deeds

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

[thedrifter]

Lumberyard Sniffer

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.

"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised, and repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once.

Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary. "There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him. He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I want to confuse him..come back here, take off all your clothes, and lay on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood. Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't believe I've ever smelled wood like that before...let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what that is...can you turn it over?"

The secretary turned over. The blind man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell, it's the **** house door of a tuna boat."

[thedrifter]

Long Lost Friends

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's parents making love

Little Johnny is watching his parents making love in the bedroom through the key hole.

In some minutes his father asks mother: "Dear, who do you want now, a girl or a boy?"

Mother answers: "We already have a boy, let it be girl now".

Some minutes later father goes out of the room, Little Johnny wears off his trousers, turns so that his ass faces his father and says: "Dad, and I want a sword, a bike and a box of color-pens!"

[thedrifter]

The Photograher

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[thedrifter]

Appendic Surgery

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[thedrifter]

An Old Rabbi

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

[thedrifter]

Three Friends

Three friends who, after graduating from college, were meeting for the first time in years. They each had gone back to their native cities of Jullundhar, Bombay, and Calcutta.

The man from Bombay wanted to impress his two other friends with the medical expertise in Bombay so he stated: "I know of a doctor in Bombay who joined a severed arm with special glue."

Not to be outdone, the friend from Calcutta said: "That's nothing. One of the doctors in Calcutta recently rejoined someone's head with a special ointment."

"We have gone EVEN further," proclaimed the man from Jullundhar. "One of my uncles was cut into two right around the navel. Our doctor immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to my uncle's upper half. So we have my uncle as well as two liters of milk everyday."

[thedrifter]

Doctors At Heaven's Door

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free."

St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll let you in, but only for three days!"

[thedrifter]

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

[thedrifter]

Woman had eight children

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were;

She said 'Kevin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

[thedrifter]

Blonde deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms".

"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

[thedrifter]

Good Deeds

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

[thedrifter]

Lumberyard Sniffer

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.

"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised, and repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once.

Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary. "There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him. He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I want to confuse him..come back here, take off all your clothes, and lay on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood. Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't believe I've ever smelled wood like that before...let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what that is...can you turn it over?"

The secretary turned over. The blind man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell, it's the **** house door of a tuna boat."

[thedrifter]

Long Lost Friends

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny's parents making love

Little Johnny is watching his parents making love in the bedroom through the key hole.

In some minutes his father asks mother: "Dear, who do you want now, a girl or a boy?"

Mother answers: "We already have a boy, let it be girl now".

Some minutes later father goes out of the room, Little Johnny wears off his trousers, turns so that his ass faces his father and says: "Dad, and I want a sword, a bike and a box of color-pens!"

[thedrifter]

The Photograher

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the pilot replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

[thedrifter]

Appendic Surgery

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[thedrifter]

Three Friends

Three friends who, after graduating from college, were meeting for the first time in years. They each had gone back to their native cities of Jullundhar, Bombay, and Calcutta.

The man from Bombay wanted to impress his two other friends with the medical expertise in Bombay so he stated: "I know of a doctor in Bombay who joined a severed arm with special glue."

Not to be outdone, the friend from Calcutta said: "That's nothing. One of the doctors in Calcutta recently rejoined someone's head with a special ointment."

"We have gone EVEN further," proclaimed the man from Jullundhar. "One of my uncles was cut into two right around the navel. Our doctor immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to my uncle's upper half. So we have my uncle as well as two liters of milk everyday."

[thedrifter]

An Old Rabbi

In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!

She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

[thedrifter]

Doctors At Heaven's Door

Three doctors arrived in