Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

What $2 can buy!


His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny,
who watched a good many TV, adds, just to
make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and
had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly,
but it's sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[Ed Palmer]

Albert Einstein


"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

"The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible."

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."

"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your
grandmother."

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."

"When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!"

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY."

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

All quotes by Albert Einstein

[Ed Palmer]

Classified Ads


The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB.
100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed. Recently
married; wife knows everything.

[Ed Palmer]

What! No E-mail?


An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to
transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance
adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire
replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

[Ed Palmer]

Boots


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my
boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.

[Ed Palmer]

Circle Flies


After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Ed Palmer]

Government purchasing specifications


1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.

N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

[Ed Palmer]

Animal Crackers


When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then, he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

[Ed Palmer]

Useless in the Parking Lot


A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

[Ed Palmer]

A wealty lawyer


One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

[Ed Palmer]

Learn a new word each day:


Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with.

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official.

[Ed Palmer]

Marriage Humor


The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Ed Palmer]

A counterfeiter


A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a
single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

[Ed Palmer]

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie


I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me,
sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:

"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:


"He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[Ed Palmer]

Pointed Observations...


It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

[Ed Palmer]

New Definitions


TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

[Ed Palmer]

Go Easy At First


Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[Ed Palmer]

The Clinton Legacy


Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in
honor of one
of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a
weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin
production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied
"I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle"
because he
is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's
finest
leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men: Moe, Larry & Curly.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."

You know, politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both
should
be changed regularly, and for the
same reason!

Clinton will be recorded in History as, "The only President to do
the HANKY-PANKY between BUSHES"

[Ed Palmer]

The Head Hog


A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor' or 'Brother,'but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the 'head hog atthe trough!'"

The man said, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to your church's building fund, but..."

"Hold on," the secretary quickly replied, "the big fat pig just walked in."

[Ed Palmer]

Lumberjack Wanted


A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

[Ed Palmer]

Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment.

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it.

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Is your holier side your altar ego?

I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red? Is it three or five?

What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?

[Ed Palmer]

A trio of old veterans


A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

[Ed Palmer]

The Necklace


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[Ed Palmer]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow


An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'

[Ed Palmer]

Mothers in History


Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small humorous sampling:

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY,MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel,mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

No claim of the authenticity of any of these quotes is made!

[thedrifter]

Bar Challenge

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[thedrifter]

Please rate joke700 - "Priest Sipping Vodka"
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Priest Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[thedrifter]

Horses at the Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

[thedrifter]

How latex gloves are made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't." she responded.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the finished gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought to himself.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

[thedrifter]

Simple Operation

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor

[thedrifter]

Make an order from menu

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

[thedrifter]

Delivery of a baby

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

[thedrifter]

Operating systems as beers
DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

[thedrifter]

Real advertisements
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 197
This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

[thedrifter]

Airlines running operating systems
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

[thedrifter]

The wife is not speaking to me
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 09
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

[thedrifter]

Competition of a nation
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler *****es in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

[thedrifter]

Truly stupid people 01
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

[thedrifter]

Drummer problems
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright one-liner
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

[thedrifter]

Watching for suicide
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword -- if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

[Ed Palmer]

A young boy asks his father,

"Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"


Surprised, the father answers,

"Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.
There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."


Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother,

"Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,

"Well, daughter, man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.


After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."


"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

[thedrifter]

An Arab in Sahara Desert

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.

He said "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[thedrifter]

A film crew on lacation

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.

One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director.

He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

[thedrifter]

Women playing golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

"How does that feel?" she asked.

"It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!".

[thedrifter]

Slip of the Tongue

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid.'"

[thedrifter]

Different kinds of Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked! his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

[thedrifter]

A strange wish by husband

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

[thedrifter]

Computers in daily life

Perspective on the necessity of computers in daily life...

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says: You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day.

Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10 kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pickup truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.

At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

[thedrifter]

Charging $350 for 4 hours in a hotel

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[thedrifter]

Patient

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,
Ray Jackson

[thedrifter]

What kind of father?

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.

A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[thedrifter]

Awareness of old jack after drinks

Jack was a grumpy old man, who like's visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.

One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack get's drunker.

One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.

He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, "Do you see that lamp?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, that's mine. Do you see that carpet?"

"Yes."

"Well that's mine."

Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.

"Do you see that bed?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's mine."

"Do you see that women on the bed?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's mine."

"Do you see the man next to her?"

"Yes Jack, I see!"

"Well, that's me."

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny and moral of the story

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

[Ed Palmer]

For the Sick


A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"

"No." her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," replied the little girl.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that say 'for the sick.'"

[Ed Palmer]

Shoe Repair


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[Ed Palmer]

He who is without sin


Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

[Ed Palmer]

Some Good Ones


1. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

2. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds the demand.

3. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

4. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

5. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

6. It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to live up to them.

7. I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

8. Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

9. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

10. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

11. I don't get even, I get older.

12. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

13. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

14. I am a nutritional overachiever.

15. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

16. I am having an out of money experience.

17. I am in shape. round is a shape.

18. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

19. A day without sunshine is like night.
20. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

21. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

22. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

23. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

24. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

25. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[Ed Palmer]

Cross Examination


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[Sgted]

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."


Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Ed Palmer]

TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

60 Above
New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat
People in Minn. plant gardens

40 Above
Italian and English cars won't start
People in Minn. drive with the windows down

20 Above
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats
People in Minn. throw on a flannel shirt

15 Above
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat
People in Minn. have the last cookout before it gets
too cold

Zero
People in Miami all die
Minnesotans lick the flagpole

20 Below
Iowans fly away to Mexico
People in MN get out their winter coats

60 Below
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic
MN Boy Scouts postpone "winter Survival" classes until
it gets cold enough

100 Below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg

297 Below
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products
Cows in MN complain about farmers with cold hands

500 Below
Hell freezes over
The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl

[Ed Palmer]

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of
food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.
After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get
an er-*tion. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his
sanity.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the
distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until
smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He
gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first
thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me
some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will
find a nice lady to dance with, then I
will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll
start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he starts to get an er-*tion.
He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells,
"Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!"

[thedrifter]

An Old Womans Wishes

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

[thedrifter]

Pastor John Fuzz

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.

"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"



"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."



The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."



The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

[thedrifter]

The Three Ducks

There were these three ducks sitting in a pond. A police officer, Officer Duckey, came by one day and saw them there. He decided to arrest the ducks and take them to see the magistrate. When in the courtroom, the magistrate called the first duck to the stand. he said to the first duck, "What were you doing in the pond?"

The duck replied, "I was just blowing bubbles in the water."

The magistrate says, "Well, there isn't anything wrong with that. You may go."

Next he calls up duck number two.

"What were you doing in the pond?"

Duck number two says the same as number one.

"I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The magistrate says, "Nothing wrong with that. You may leave."

Finally he calls the third duck up to the stand.

"What were you doing in the pond?"

The third duck gets a huge grin on his face and says, "I'm Bubbles."

[thedrifter]

Daddys home

Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.

'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'

After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'

'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'

'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'

'Okay, Daddy.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'

'And what happened?'

'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'

'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'

There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'

[thedrifter]

Reason for not getting married?

A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

[thedrifter]

Teenagers making love

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us."

The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop! But, if it feels good start singing and we can keep on going. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."

The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, the people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams actually stop playing. "Mooooo... Mooooo... Mooooooooon River... !"

[thedrifter]

Free Drinks

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[thedrifter]

A Priest and his cock rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

All the alter boys stood up.....

[thedrifter]

Work Accident

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[thedrifter]

Love: Before & After

Here are a few examples of before and after you fall in love:

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

[thedrifter]

Men are like

placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

government bonds
they take so long to mature.

copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

[thedrifter]

Owner of a boat

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."

The old woman fainted.

[thedrifter]

Awareness of old jack after drinks

Jack was a grumpy old man, who like's visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.

One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack get's drunker.

One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.

He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, "Do you see that lamp?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, that's mine. Do you see that carpet?"

"Yes."

"Well that's mine."

Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.

"Do you see that bed?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's mine."

"Do you see that women on the bed?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's mine."

"Do you see the man next to her?"

"Yes Jack, I see!"

"Well, that's me."

[Ed Palmer]

Separation


A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

[Ed Palmer]

X rays of a trauma patient


While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme
Tree Experts."

Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"

[Ed Palmer]

50th Anniversary


While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

[Ed Palmer]

Too Late, He's Long Dead


The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[Ed Palmer]

Queen Size


A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

[Ed Palmer]

Now I understand Catholic,s

Baptism


A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

[Ed Palmer]

The Toaster Oven


One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

[Ed Palmer]

Special Panties...


A lady who had been married for several years was
growing more and more frustrated at her husband's
lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways
to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless
underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television,
she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the
crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the
television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his
chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied.
"Look what it did to your underwear."

[Ed Palmer]

New Year's Dinner


As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

[Ed Palmer]

Theological debate


The thoroughly secular young attorney and the philosopher were engaged in fierce theological debate: "Heaven and hell, you will agree, may very well be separated by a wall," contended the lawyer. Should it happen that this wall would fall down, who would you say must rebuild it?

"The righteous would insist that the wicked do it; the latter would likely refuse. If this case came before a judge, which do you believe would emerge the winner?"

"It seems to me," replied the philosopher, "that any fair-minded judge would render a verdict against the wicked, since the likelihood is that the wall should crumble from the fires of hell rather than from the bliss of Paradise.

"On the other hand," he concluded, "I fully realize that hell surely contains a full quota of glib-tongued lawyers, and I should therefore not be surprised if they won the case."

[Ed Palmer]

Two DrinkinG Buddies"

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!”

[Ed Palmer]

"Never done nothing wild in my life !!!!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and took a seat next to him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man said,"What's the matter old fart, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied,"Got drunk once, had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

[Ed Palmer]

Use The Camel"

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?" The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock." The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."

So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in. "Ahem, begging your pardon sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Three guys go up to heaven...."

Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says, "it's been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the best story gets to go in."
the first guy said,"i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked out the window, and here's a guy who's hanging from my telephone wire. i hammer his fingers, but he doesn't drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and i threw it out the window and i fell out with it."

the second guy said, "i was an innocent window washer and i was washing windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator drops on me and i die."

the third guy says, "Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said."

[Ed Palmer]

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a

pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last

meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,

he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten

too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked

around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up

against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,

thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when

he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know

you're full of shxt

[Ed Palmer]

Quickies

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.


Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.


Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"


Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.


Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."


Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.


Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

[Ed Palmer]

"Ice fishing"


A guy decided to go ice fishing one winter's day. As he started drilling his hole a voice from above said "There are no fish under the ice!" Three times he started to drill and three times he heard the same words. Finally he looked toward the sky and asked "Is that you Lord?"

"No, stupid" came the reply, "I'm the hockey rink announcer."

[Ed Palmer]

How well does coldwater clean ?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a

very secluded,rural area of the state. After spending

the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like

substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather......."are these plates clean?"His

grandfather replied...."those plates

are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and

finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the

hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed
tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a

substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he
asked again.... "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather

says......"I told you before, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me

about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on

his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl

and would not let him pass....... "Grandfather, your

dog won't let me out," he complained. Without

diverting his attention from the football game, his

Grandfather shouted......"Coldwater, move!"

[Ed Palmer]

"DUMASS DOG"

Clinton walked in a bar with his dog, DumAss. Clinton said to the bartender"How bout a free drink and I'll introduce you to my dick suckin' dog, Dumass." The Bartender agreed so the all went to the back room. Clinton told the bartender to pull out his dick and he positioned Dumass in front of the bartender. "Now what ?" said the barkeep. Clinton positioned the dog closer to the bartenders dick and gave the dog the command to suck his dick. The dog just sat there.... Clinton again and again commanded the dog to suck the barkeeps dick. Dumass just sat there.. Clinton said" Now look, Dumass, I'm only gonna show you this one more time......"

[Ed Palmer]

Gotta Have Faith"

A priest, Baptist minister & a rabbi were having lunch when the priest & minister started talking about fishing. "you know, said the rabbi, I should take up fishing. Well, said the priest, come with us. We're going this afternoon." They're out in the boat fishing when suddenly the priest steps out of the boat & walks a few yards away & begins fishing. The rabbi is dumbfounded seeing the priest walk on water. A while later the minister joins the priest.The rabbi is shocked. Finally he thinks, "my faith is as strong as theirs. If they can walk on water so can I. He steps out of the boat & almost drowns. He struggles back in the boat. Soon, he tries again with the same result. The priest looks over at the minister & says, " ya think we should tell that stupid son of a ***** where the rocks are'?

[Ed Palmer]

Marriage Humor


The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Ed Palmer]

No Tail Light


"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Midgits"

Two midgits walk into a bar somewhere in the artic. They go up to the bartender and ask: "excuse me sir but do you have any midgits nuns around here". The bartender replies "no". One midgit looks over at the other and says "see, I told you that you ****ed a penguin!"

[Ed Palmer]

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/menconcentrate.html

[Ed Palmer]

"American ingenuity"

THREE MEN, ONE GERMAN, one Japanese, and a good ol' American hillbilly were sitting together in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his wrist and the beeping stopped. "That was my pager, " he explained. "I have a micro chip implanted under the skin of my wrist."


The hillbilly is naturally amazed!


A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear, and spoke briefly in Japanese. When he finished he lowered his hand and explained, "That was my cell phone. I have a micro chip implanted in my hand."


The hillbilly was dazzled, but of course he had nothing to compare to what the other two guys had. But not wanting to be outdone, he came up with an idea.


Wrapping his towel around his waist, he stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from under the back of his towel!


The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...


"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[Ed Palmer]

Some "Senior" personal ads


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[Ed Palmer]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY


There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their

asses! I Thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man,

and they would have married him anyway.

[thedrifter]

Marriage made in heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

[thedrifter]

Turned to stone

Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!"

They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing.

Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"

Johnnie replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

[thedrifter]

Lawyer in a Plane Going Down

The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it's every man for himself. The pilot and co-pilot then grabbed two parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The four passengers, an old priest, a 10 year old boy, a brain surgeon and an attorney, ran to the storage area for the remaining parachutes -- there were only three left.

The brain surgeon said, "There is only one other doctor in the world that can perform the type of surgery I do, and I can save thousands of lives, I'm too needed to die" -- so he grabbed a pack and jumped.

The attorney then pushed aside the priest and the 10 year old, grabbed a pack and explained, "Since I am an attorney, my life should be saved because I have superior knowledge and intelligence and am very much needed to advise all the thousands of people less brillant than me", and then he jumped.

The old priest turned to the young boy and said, "Son, take the last parachute, I have had a full life and am at peace with my Maker, you have your whole life to live yet".

The young boy was shaking his head "no" -- Don't worry Father, he said, "we both will be ok -- you know that guy who said he had superior knowledge and intelligence -- well, instead of grabbing a parachute pack, he grabbed my backpack!"

[thedrifter]

Cowboy boots

Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Bob says excitedly "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bob yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies, "You should bought a hat, Bob."

[thedrifter]

Angry management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an Idiot!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'Idiot' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an Idiot!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'Idiot' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an Idiot!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Idiot, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW Idiot, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an Idiot." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two Idiots to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.

I called Idiot #1.

"Hello."

"You're an Idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Idiot, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Idiot."

Then I called Idiot #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, Idiot," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your @$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, Idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two Idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

[thedrifter]

The Husband

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

[thedrifter]

Is Your Daddy Home?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".

"Yes.", whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?", the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".

"Yes.", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?".

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".

"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".

"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

[thedrifter]

Few secrets about men

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.


Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?

A. Lazy

[thedrifter]

Royal Marriage

The king had arranged a regal marriage for his daughter a bond that would unite two great nations. Yet, because the young couple seemed so terribly formal to each other, the old monarch was worried that the union would not be a success.

Posting a spy outside the royal bridal chamber, he demanded a full account of the wedding night's progress.

"It is hard to tell," said the king's spy the next morning.

"When the prince entered the chamber, I heard the princess say quite formally, 'I offer you my honor. 'Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'Madame, I honor your offer,' And that is the way it went all night long-honor, offer, honor, offer,"

[thedrifter]

Trousers

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

[thedrifter]

A Night in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: coyotes


A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
After years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. The ranchers present thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "son, I don't think you understand the problem. Them coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

[Ed Palmer]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonderwas cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the
mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for
Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our 'privates'
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it
is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that

[Ed Palmer]

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.

To whom it may concern, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings
account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently
become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me,
you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
from. Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

[Ed Palmer]

Cows, Constitution and Ten Commandments


COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked
for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a
hostile work environment!

[Ed Palmer]

How many of us have done this?

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office
Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he
sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when
he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
early to go
shopping-- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...
what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into
the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh _THAT!.._

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm
married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time........."Priceless".

[Ed Palmer]

Mutual Of Omaha


Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

[Ed Palmer]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex



Happy Halloween!

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's o.k. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.


and the #1 reason why Trick or Treating is Better than Sex...........

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

[Ed Palmer]

The Pessimist


Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?

[Ed Palmer]

Don't Have Any


A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

[Ed Palmer]

two guys with hot dog"

Two guys wanted to get drunk one night but they only had $1.00

The one man said to the other " I have an idea. We will buy a hotdog. Throw away the bun. I will put it in my pants. we will go into a bar. order some drinks and drink them. Then you will get on your knees and start sucking on the hot dog, they will think we are gay and kick us out and we will get away with a free drink!"


okay said the other man.


So the two men tried it and it worked!


they did this all night long until the one guy said " Lets switch, im tired of getting on my knees!"


The other guy said " Sorry i threw that hot dog away 4 bars ago!"


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

There were these three guys, who had wandered away from there camp site and had gotten lost.

They walked until they came to a small farmhouse, where they knocked on the door hoping to use the phone.

The farmer said that he had no phone, and asked what they were doing so far out in the country. They explained there situation to the farmer who said, I know where that campground is and I can drive you there in the morning. and he said, your more than welcome to sleep in the barn.

They walked around the back of the house noticing that the barn was directly connected to the back of the house. They found there way with a lantern that the farmer had given them and found a nice bed of hay in one corner of the barn. When they shut off the lantern it was all dark except for the light coming through three holes in the wall that connected to the house.

The one guy peered through one of the holes right as the light in the house was shut off. He said man I think there were naked girls in there.

He then stood up dropped his pants to his ankles, and stuck his dick in the first hole. After a minute or so he felt someone touching his dick from the other side, and it starting feeling really good, and he started moaning. With that one of the other guys immediately put his dick into the second hole, he immediately felt his being touch and started moaning as well, exclaiming how good it felt. Well with that the third guy got up and stuck his dick in the third hole. He to felt something touching him and he guessed it felt pretty good. All three guys then heard the girls on the other side of the wall to meet them outside. Well the first to guys scrambled around to the front of the house but the third guy couldn't pull away from the whole because who ever had him wouldn't let go, but it still felt pretty good to him so he didn't care.

The next morning came and the farmer came out to the barn with a shotgun, he knew his two daughters had seen some action last night and was bound that those responsible would do the proper thing.

Which one of you had sex with Katy my oldest daughter, the first guy stepped forward fearing for his life and said that he had been with Katy last night. The farmer said well you have to ask her hand in marriage now, and he agreed.

Which one of you had sex with Samantha, the second guy stepped forward and said that it had been him and that he would gladly marry her.

The third guy slumped forward and said well you might as well shoot me because I dont think I could servive another night with your other daughter, she wouldn't even stop when it became painful and I was crying and screaming, no just shoot me.

I only have two daughters said the farmer

Well then who was behind the third whole? he asked

Oh that would be my milking machine, it doesn't stop till it gets 12 full quarts.

[Ed Palmer]

Fishin' Secrets"

An ice fisherman was sitting with his line in a hole in the ice, but he wasn't having any luck. Two hours passed and not a nibble. A kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old approached, cut his own hole in the ice, and without a word, dropped his line and immediately began to pull in some of the largest fish the man had ever seen.
Flabbergasted, the man overcame his curiosity, and asked the lad: What was his secret?

The kid said, "Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr..." The man wasn't sure if the kid even spoke english, and repeated his question. Again the kid said,"Wrroo wrahhh rahh eeh ahh wrr wrr..."

"0ne more time,son. What was it you said?" The kid looks at the man, spits the contents of his mouth into the palm of his hand, and says: "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

"U get1 She gets1 I get1"

A guy and his wife goes to a expensive golfcourse with his wife and says, "Becareful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window." His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. He says,"Oh no! Better go ask how much it gonna be." So he and his wife goes up to the house and sees the door open. They went inside and sees the ball and a broken glass bottle. A man walks up and says,"Thank you!" So the husband goes, "I'm sorry about the..." And the man interupts, "Oh don't worry. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see I'm a genie. So you get one wish, she gets one, but you have to give me one." The husband asks for $100million. The man says,"Done." the wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars. Genie says,"Done. Now my wish is to have sex with your wife because you know I've been locked up for so long." They agree since they got all that stuff. And so the man screws the guy's wife. When their done the man asks the wife, "How old is you husband?" She answers, "23." And the man says, "And he still believes in genies?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Face Lift"

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, "excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?" The man says, "To me, you look 35." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and walks to on.

Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, "To me, you look 29." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and then leaves.


At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, "I'm 87, my eye sight isn't that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes." The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her...


...after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, "Alright, you're 47." The guy is surprised and says, "WOW! How did you know?" The old woman says, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."

[Ed Palmer]

"Bus Driver"

One day a bus driver picked up a little blonde girl
She instanty sat down behind the bus driver, and started saying

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom a cow, i'd be a baby cow." then, "if my dad was a man elephant, and my mom a girl elephant, i'd be a baby elephant!"

She went on like this using different animals for a few hours, until the driver couldn't take it anymore, and yelled at her,

"What if your dad was gay, and your mom a prostitute?"

The blonde girl simply said,

"Then i'd be a bus driver."

[Ed Palmer]

"why men shouldn't use the ladies bethroom"

There was this guy and he really had to pee, but the line for the mens room was too long. So a lady told him that he could use the womens restromm as long as he didn't push any buttone. So he agreed. He went in and after he had done his business he saw the buttons on the wall. They were labeled WW, WA, PP, and the red button said ATR. He got curious and so he pressed the WW button and warm water sprayed his butt. He pressed the WA button and warm air dried his butt. He pressed the PP button and his butt was powder-puffed. He was still curious about the red button, so he pressed it and he blacked out. When he woke up he was in the emergency room with the same lady standing by his side. He asked her what happened and she replied, "ATR stands for automatic tamopon remover, and your penis is in that cooler over there!"

[Ed Palmer]

"Football"

a big gay biker walked into a bar, and sits down and orders a beer, looking around lonely, he sees a man walk in and sits beside him, the man orders a beer, the biker notices he looks unhappy, so he says he has a game they can play, the man agrees to play,ok heres how it goes says the biker.
it is alot like football, we both chug down our beer and whoever burps louder gets the touch down, and u have to fart for the field goal. the man agrees to play and says "i can do that". So the biker starts off, chuging down his beer and letting out a huge burp, then the other man drinks his beer and burps even louder, ok says the biker u got the touch down, now fart for the field goal. So the man bends over to let out a huge fart when suddenly the biker sticks his penis right up the mans ass and says. Block that kick!!.

[Ed Palmer]

Pain in the Side


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

[Ed Palmer]

CTC


Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

[Ed Palmer]

Crossing the Road


Traveling down a remote country road one day, a motorist came to a stop in front of a giant puddle covering the entire road. He noticed a farmer leaning on a fence,
contemplating the puddle. "Hey mister, think it's safe to cross?" he yelled.

"Oh, I reckon so." The farmer replied.

The man drove on into the puddle, where his car was immediately swallowed up. The puddle was so deep, he had to escape through the window and swim back to the edge. When he climbed out he was furious with the old farmer. "I thought you said it was safe to cross!"

The farmer stood back and scratched his head. "Well, heck, it only came up chest-high on my ducks!"

[Ed Palmer]

An awful breakfast


One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

[Ed Palmer]

Prime Mates



Two gaymen [Bobby and Peter] are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men [Peter] just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.



The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws Peter back out of the cage



. An ambulance is called and Peter is taken away to the hospital.



The next day Bobby visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"



"AM I HURT?", Peter shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written......."

[Ed Palmer]

Fox Hunters"

Old Lem, a hillbilly in the eastern Kentucky mountains, rides up to old Charley's front gate. The gate's about a quarter mile from Charleys house. Seeing Charley on the front porch, Lem yells, "HEY, CHARLEY....LET'S GO FOX HUNTIN'!!" Charley yells back, "OK, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!" In a few minutes, Charley rides his mule down to the gate.....dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin' best. "What in hell did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?", asked Lem. "FOX HUNTIN'?", asked Charley, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'LETS GO **** SUMPTHIN

[thedrifter]

Lawyer vs Coroner

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[thedrifter]

Hearing Problem

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.

One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[thedrifter]

Pain and pleasure of love

Kissing is a pleasure

****ing is a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true

Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain

3 days in hospital, a child without a name

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore

[thedrifter]

Please rate joke649 - "Blonde Fish"
between 1 (worst) and 10 (best) to help us to improve this site. We delete / replace jokes with a low rating on a regular basis with a view to have only the best jokes on our site.

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Blonde Fish

A blonde was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. She ran into one of her friends.

Her friend asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

She tells her friend that she has some fish in the bag.

The friend says, "Fish! Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The blonde says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

[thedrifter]

Making love on beach

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.

You are right, lets go to the beach.

After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.

Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.

"You are right," said the husband "but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this lady making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

[thedrifter]

A new CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

[thedrifter]

Alaskan Party

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Ned....Your neighbor from 40 miles away.... Having a party Friday....Thought you might like to come. About 5..."

"Great" says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Ned is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinking."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops. "Well their are chances of some fighting too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Ned turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Ned stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

[thedrifter]

Gorilla in a tree

A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.He telephoned an emergency Gorilla Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner. "I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."

"OK... got it," the homeowner replied. "But what is the shotgun for?"

Said the technician... "If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla... SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"

[thedrifter]

A cop and two ladies

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50".

[Sgted]

A Native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other, and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee in one gulp, he turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere; then he just walks out. The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about anyway?" The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." ---

[thedrifter]

Some yogurt visits a local bar
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

[thedrifter]

Real advertisements
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 172
Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

[thedrifter]

Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

[thedrifter]

The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

[thedrifter]

I only ordered a double
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

[thedrifter]

Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 14
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The light's out?

[thedrifter]

Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright one-liner
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

[thedrifter]

Government is there
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.

American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."

Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

[thedrifter]

Third Grader

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."


Ellie

[thedrifter]

Prayer before dinner

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted.

"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[thedrifter]

Late For Work

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[thedrifter]

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

"God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[thedrifter]

Magic marker

A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.

The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.

She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[thedrifter]

A barber fees for haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

[thedrifter]

Kuwait Women Roles

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell me and the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

[thedrifter]

Intelligence

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[thedrifter]

Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

[thedrifter]

The perfect day of Man & Woman

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 ****, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

[thedrifter]

Mom thoughts

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns'sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[thedrifter]

A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[Ed Palmer]

"I are a college grad"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a

smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to

sweep out the store."


"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied

indignantly.


"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here,

give me the broom - I'll show you how."

[Ed Palmer]

"The Canadian and the Prostitutes"

A Canadian Guy hasn't had sex in a long time, and is looking for some prostitutes. He finds a mother and 3 daughters. The mother sends her youngest daughter to do the trick.

so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


she yells, "NO!!!" and leaves


the mother then send sout her second youngest daughter, whom is a little more experienced.


so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


she yells, "NO!!!" and leaves


By now, the mother is shocked, so she sends her oldest daughter out, who has been known to never say no to any man for anything what-so-ever.


so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


she screams, "NO WAY!!!" and slugs him, and storms off.


The mother seems beside herself and decides to go and see what he says for herself


so the two of them talk, laugh, have a drink, frolic around, she sits on his lap, and he whispers in her ear...


..."Can I pay with Canadian Currency?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Letter From Grandma"

I got a letter from Grandma the other day
She writes...


Dear Grandchild,


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk "if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it one my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!


What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is... and I didn't notice the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!


I found that LOTs of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind starting honking like crazy, and then ne leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...


I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably some Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!


A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.


I noticed I was the only car that got though the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Sincerely,

Your Loving Grandmother

[Ed Palmer]

Online Dating"

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that

they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat

room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual

kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a

small cafe.


Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man

with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe.


"Are you Bob?" asked Bunny.


"Yes I am," said Bob.


"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were

tall, dark and handsome."


"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You

told me that you were skinny, blonde, and... female!"

[Ed Palmer]

A 15ft fishin pole and a sandwich"

In 1934 a man named harry went to take a crap in a out house. Well there was a string thing about this out house it had to 2 crap holes. Well he went in and set his jacket down. About 30 minutes later harry was in the other hole with a 15ft fishin pole.johnny came by and asked what the hell are you doing he said i droped my jacket in the hole. john asked r u still gonna wear it?? harry said no im tring to get the sandwich out of the side pocket!!!


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

Quail Pointing Mule"

A car drives up to a farmer's house, a man gets out, knocks on the door, and the farmer opens it. "A friend told me you have a mule that points quail", said the stranger, "is that true"?? "Sure is", said the farmer, "would you like to see him work?" The strangers said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when the mule suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. The farmer walks ahead of the mule and scares up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...the mule points...the farmer scares up the covey. Finally, the stranger says, "That's enough, I've got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said the farmer. I'll give you $50,000.00 for him", said the stranger. Well, the farmer couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him. The next night, the farmer's phone rang...it was the stranger. "What the hell's wrong with this damed mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", said the farmer, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish than hunt."

[Ed Palmer]

Sports Conclusions"

Read the following statements and the amazing
conclusion:


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

Basketball.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is Bowling.


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers

is Football.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

Baseball.


5. The sport of choice for middle management

is Tennis.


6. The sport of choice for corporate officers

is Golf.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

[Ed Palmer]

The 50's"

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.


"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"


Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.


"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"


A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and matching cardigan sweater and announces that she's ready to go. Breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.


About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “Dad, it's called the Twist!"

[Ed Palmer]

Little Charlie"

Two little boys are looking down at a cat house. They sit there watching men go in and see all the money beeing counted. They watch the men pour out with smiling faces.

First boy-I wonder what makes those men smile.


Second boy-Well, lets count our money and go see what makes them smile.


First boy-We have fifty-cents all together.


Second boy-I'll go and find out what they are smiling about while you stay here.


The second boy goes into the cathouse and says to the head mistress,"I want fifty cents worth of whatever is making all these men smile." The woman takes him into one of the rooms and she takes her clothes off. She starts coming toward him anmd he runs out of the cathouse screaming.


First boy-What was it?


Second boy-I don't know, but I sure as hell don't want a dollars worth of it.


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

blond women and two guys"

There was a lady driving down a highway when her tire blew. She pulled the car over got out and following her were two men with nothing on but rain coats. As she was fixing the tire they kept on opening and closing their rain coats at traffic that came by. A police man pulled over and asked the women if she needed any help she said no then he asked her if she knew the two men with nothing on but raincoats..... She said of course!, their my emergncy flashers!!

[Ed Palmer]

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be
trained
for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates
degree....


TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an
associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look
over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)


Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there...- MENtal illness,
MENstrual
cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to
all of
the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten
>their
day!!!...and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy!!

[Ed Palmer]

Molly's in heat

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.

"You can't dear, Molly's in heat," said the mother.

"What's heat, Momma?" asked Johnny.

"Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him," said Momma.

"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"

His dad was cleaning his tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.

About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.

"Where's Molly?" his dad asked.

"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy," answered Little Johnny,

"But don't worry: one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."

[Ed Palmer]

Induced Vomiting

Two police officers were walking down the street one night and turned a corner to see two men on the sidewalk.

One was on his hands and knees naked, and the other was behind him with two fingers up his ass

One of the policeman said to the second fellow, "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make my buddy throw up," the guy explained. "He's incredibly drunk, and it isn't safe."

The second officer said, "You'll never make him sick that way."

The friend said, "I will when I stick my fingers in his mouth."

[Ed Palmer]

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers'
Cove" where they were making out.

The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he
would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blond.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty
hot and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blond yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy
even had her pants unzipped. "Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blond.

Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here
with you."

[Ed Palmer]

"Maybe You and Your Friends Should Try This!!!"

One Saturday night, Jim and Mark went to the bar to unwind over a couple of beers. After a few rounds, a good friend of theirs walked in named Bob. Well after they drank a few beers, Bob looked over at them and asked if they were leaving soon. Jim said yeah, we're leaving after this round. Bob said alright then I'll see yall fellas later. Bob staggered out of the bar and when he got outside he crouched along the wall. After about five minutes, he got up and staggered to his car. He fiddled with his keys and got in his car. When he got on the road, he started swerving back and forth in both lanes. Well, soon after a cop pulled him. The cop walked up and asked for his driver's license and registration. The cop said, "I watched you stagger out of that bar, crouch along the wall, then stagger to your car, get in, drive off, and you started swerving." Bob looked up at him and said, "Sorry Mr. Officer, I was just on the way home just then." Well, the cop thought he was drunk, so he told Bob to get out of the car. Bob got out of the car and the cop started giving him some sobriety tests. Well Bob passed all of them, including the breath-a-lyzer. The cop looked at him funny and said, "Sir, you seemed drunk and you even passed all the tests I gave you." Well, when the cop said that, Bob started smiling. Bob said he was the DD for the night. The cop asked, "Designated Driver?" Bob said nope "Designated Drunk!!!"

[Ed Palmer]

10 reasons why sex is better than a joke

10.Everybody likes sex & nobody likes work, except virgins & only because they haven't had sex yet


9. sex moans, licks,throbs,pumps ect.,work just sucks


8. after sex you feel like smoking a cigarette after work you feel like smoking something a lot stronger


7.you only get punished during sex if you want to


6.drinking drives people to sex, work drives people to drink


5. sex rlieves stress, work is the cause of stress


4. nothing beats the hands on experence you get with sex


3. after sex you feel as if you accomplished something.


2. sex is quicker than work. at work you have to stay for at least 8 hours


1. with sex you atleast have a choice whether or not you want sex. at work you employers fuxks you regardless.

[Ed Palmer]

somewhere in eastern Alabama
Bob and John go hunting"

Bob and John were out hunting one day and came across a goat with her head stuck in a fence. John dropped his drawers and bonged her real good and turned to Bob an says "Want some?" Well, ol Bob says "Sure", and stuck his head in the fence right next to the goat.

[Ed Palmer]

To My Critics

When I am in a sober mood

I worry, work and think

When I am in a drunken mood

I gamble, fight and drink

But when all my moods are over

And the world has come to pass

I hope they bury me upside down

So the world can kiss my ass

[Ed Palmer]

"The Three Choices"

OK there once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later sha stops and said this tastes like ****. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

[Ed Palmer]

Comparing Pubs
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the
Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar
called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so
much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to
me sister.

[Ed Palmer]

Horse Sense"

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.


The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.


The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."


On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.


The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.


The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

[Ed Palmer]

This guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink, and bartender, you seem like a nice guy, have a drink yourself." The bartender sets up everybody in the bar with a drink. The bartender drinks his and says, "Hey buddy that's really nice of you, what's the special occasion?" The guy replies, "Oh, no special occasion, I just wanted everybody to have a drink." The bartender says, "That's great buddy, that will be $75.00." The guy says, "Heck, I ain't got no money." The bartender beats this guy to a pulp and throws him out into the street.

About a week later, the guy walks into the bar again, he is all bandaged up, broken arm and leg, walking on a crutch, and he says, "Hey bartender, give me a drink, and while you're at it, give everybody in this bar a drink." The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Hey, what's up buddy, don't I get a drink this time?" The guys replies, "Heck no, you like to fight when you drink."

[Ed Palmer]

I wonder if the DI,s ever thought of this?

"Learning to Observe"

A college professor was starting the new year with a lesson on observation. He walked into his class room holding a clear glass filled with a yellow liquid. He said," This is a glass of urine," all of his students had disgusted looks on their faces."Observe what I do and as I pass the glass around, do what I did." He stuck in his finger, pulled it out and put it in his mouth. All the students looked horrified. But, one by one, they each stuck in their finger and licked it. After everyone was finished, the proffesor said," If you had observed closely, i put in my index finger and licked my middle finger."

[Ed Palmer]

"BLACK FISHEN"

ONCE THERE WAS A BLACK WOMEN FISHING AND SHE WAS CASTING OUT CATCHING ONE EVER TIME. THEN THIS WHITE COUPLE PULLED UP AND THEY WASN'T CATCHING NOTHING. SO THEY WENT OVER AND ASKED THE BLACK LADY HOW SHE WAS CATCHING ALL THESE FISH. SHE SAYS WHEN SHE GETS UP IN THE MORNING SHE LOOKS UNDER THE COVERS AND WHEN HER HUSBAND PEACKER LEANS TO THE RIGHT I CAST TO THE RIGHT WHEN LEANING TO THE LEFT I CAST TO THE LEFT. WHEN IT IS STANDING STRAIGHT UP THER ISN'T NO TIME FOR FISHING.

[Ed Palmer]

"the flea and the genie "

there was this flea and he was walking along the beach and he looked down and found a lamp so he rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and granted the flea three wishes so the fleas first wish was to be on benji so poof he was on benji about two weeks later he came back to the genie and the genie asked him whats the matter the flea said well benji scratched to much and took to many flea dips and i almost died so the fleas next wish was to be on willie nelsons beard hear so poof he was then about four weeks later the flea came back to the genie and the genie asked what was the matter so the flea said well willie smoked to much and the smoke would get caught in his beard and i almost died so his next wish was to be on dollie partons pube's (pubic hair) so poof he was there about six weeks later he came back to the genie looking really confused so the genie was like whats the matter i thought i got rid of you on that one and the flea says i thought you did to but some how i ended up on willie nelsons beard again!

[Ed Palmer]

"Shooting Cans"

An old woman walks into a gun shop and says to the owner,
"I need a big gun to shoot cans." The owner replies,

"How about this small rifle?" She says,"No these are really big cans."

"Well how about this medium sized rifle?" She says,

"No this are really big cans." Finally, frustrated, the owner says,

"What type of cans are you going to shoot?"

She replies, "Oh, you know, Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Peurto Ri-cans!"

[Ed Palmer]

"Government worker"

Kowalski worked for the Department of Transportation. One day he woke up ill, with a touch of laryngitis-but-being a dedicated employee he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labour-as they were repairing a part of the freeway.
"Kowalski" he says "why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction"

Kowalski is glad for the easy day: He stops the first vehicle:

"Sir" he whispers, his throat feeling worse "please slow down, there's a Government crew up ahead"

"Okay" the guy whispers back "I'll try not to wake them"

[Ed Palmer]

"speeding granny"

Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies would say "Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers liscense." Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her "Slow down" With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing "Oh no, not the breathalizer again!!!"

[thedrifter]

Good eating

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

[thedrifter]

Mom's Failing Grade

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

[thedrifter]

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Two asses, they come together.

I come again.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come once-a-more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[thedrifter]

Zipper Down

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[thedrifter]

Blonde father

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

[thedrifter]

Vaseline research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for vaseline. Have you ever used the product?

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind, can I ask what do you use it for?"

"Well we use it for sex purpose."

The researcher was little shocked. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and keep the children out."

[thedrifter]

Teaching Italian to play golf

This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole".

The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your stick out and put your balls in the hole, but in Italia, we put our stick in the hole and leave our balls out"!

[thedrifter]

Too Tired to Go On

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.

So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[thedrifter]

Two stolen televisions

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes"

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions"

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes"

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

[thedrifter]

Endless War

Two doctors had boarded a flight out of Boston, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, an attorney boarded and took the aisle seat next to them.

The attorney kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The attorney said, "No problem, I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the first doctor's coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too.

The attorney said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

When the attorney returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long is this going to continue?" he asked. "This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes!"

[thedrifter]

Sinking in the middle of ocean

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half-dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3- wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.

"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head.

"Now where are we going to pee?"

[thedrifter]

Serving at a Desert Outpost

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[thedrifter]

Chemistry of the both sexes

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

[Ed Palmer]

Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they
are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the
rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come
along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree.
Share
this with other women who are good apples, even those who have
already
been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the shxt out of them until they turn into
something
acceptable to have dinner with.

[thedrifter]

Trousers

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

[thedrifter]

A Night in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[thedrifter]

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[thedrifter]

Blonde Helicopter Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."

[thedrifter]

Guilty

A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

[thedrifter]

People making love in different occupation

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

[thedrifter]

Three couples at Camping

Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other.

At about 2:00 am John was awaken by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand.

"Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife" Bob exclaimed.

"Would you like me to come with you" John asked.

"Why would I want you to come" Bob asked.

"Because that's.... my huge erection, which you are holding" John said

[thedrifter]

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

[thedrifter]

All the questions of life

A man was pondering all the questions of life, universe, and his own personal problem. The man could not find any answers so he sought help from God.

"God!? God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted.

God responded, "What is it my son?"

"I have a few questions, mind if I ask?"

"Go right ahead, my son ... anything.", God said

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second".

"Hmmm", he wondered. Then he asked again, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is only worth a penny."

The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!! ... in a second".

[thedrifter]

Blonde selling her car

A blonde tried to sell her old car, but she was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250, 000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter, " replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay, " said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50, 000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No, " replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50, 000 miles on it."

[thedrifter]

Police officer and a terrible accident

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: FW: Cat Lover?

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.


On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied
anyway, because the truth was just too darned
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to
my wife's wish to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after
breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead
again. Please come reset it."


"You know where the button is," I protested through
the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it
yourself!"


"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts
going and sucks me in?"


There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll
only take you a second."


So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping
that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement
about how I perceived her behavior as extremely
cowardly.


Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing. It struck without
warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who
discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.
And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all
rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine
region.


Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose
only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over
me. Now there are not many things in this life worse
than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt
naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by
my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not
succeeding.


Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I
finally made it back in to the office, where
colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was
too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the
matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If
they only knew!

[thedrifter]

The old hotdog trick

We've all seen him, the party drunk/*******. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.

We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the ******* had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.

To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.

Here is how you do this little stunt:

1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.

2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the *******.

3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled.

(OPTIONAL)

The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his ****, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"



"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"



He had a mortified look on his face.

"Uhh, just wondering."



He never got trashed again while on that deployment.

:eek:

[Ed Palmer]

Miss Ellie be careful on april 1st we dont want this to be you ,that we read about.
Ed



Order in the Court . . .

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a
young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done
that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing
made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy
that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April
Fool!" ..

And that's when I shot the little bastard...

[Ed Palmer]

Subject: Fw: I HATE MY JOB
>
__________________
>
> > > WHEN YOU HAVE AN "I HATE MY JOB" DAY, TRY
> THIS.
> > >
> > > On your way home from work, stop at your
> pharmacy and go to the
> > > thermometer section and purchase a rectal
> thermometer made by Johnson
> > > and Johnson. (Be very sure you get this
> brand). When you get home, lock
> > > your doors, draw the curtains and
> disconnect the phone so you will not
> > > be disturbed.
> > >
> > ! > Change into very comfortable clothing and
> lie down on your bed. Open
> > > the package and remove the thermometer.
> Now, carefully place it on the
> > > bedside table so that it will not become
> chipped or broken. Take out
> the
> > > literature and read it carefully. You will
> notice that in small print
> > > there is a statement, "Every rectal
> thermometer made by Johnson and
> > > Johnson is personally tested".
> > >
> > > Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud
> five times: "I am so glad I do
> > > not work for quality control at Johnson
> and Johnson."
> > >
> > > HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS
> ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
> > > THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS.
>

[Ed Palmer]

WARNING FROM WISCONSIN

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men, here in CRVITZ......

What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday

[Ed Palmer]

Nascar Fans"

Once there were two Tony Stewart fans hunting, they shot a deer and were pulling it by the tail towards their truck, a Mark Martin fan came through and saw that the antlers were getting tangled on anything and everything, he walked up to them and said "wouldn't it be easier if you pulled it by the antlers" they said yes it would, so they started pulling it by the antlers, one said, "those Mark Martin fans sure are smart", and the other said, "yeah, but aren't we getting farther away from the truck."

[Ed Palmer]

Lexus

.A lady walks into a Lexus dealership

She browses around,

then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As

she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart

escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if

anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales

person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this

lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you

are going to shxt when you hear the price."

[Ed Palmer]

Why tarzan wear underwear!"

Monkeys:We all don't wear underwear, why you do?
Tarzan: Mind your own business!!


Ond day, Tarzan was bathing in the river naked and the monkeys had a peep on him to kill their curiosity.


Monkeys: Hehehe...no wonder he wears an underwear. He was embarassed with us because his TAIL was infront and worse, its TOO SHORT!!

[Ed Palmer]

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military
induction
center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him
the
duty
of advising new recruits about the government benefits,
especially
the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center
began
noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI
insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductee's
nearly
$30.00
per
month more for their coverage, that was
already afforded by that which the government was already
granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his
selling techniques, but that he would sit in the back of the
room
and
observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductee's and
stated ------ "If you have the normal GI insurance and go
into
battle
and are
killed the government pays your beneficiaries $6,000. If you
take
out
the
supplemental GI insurance ( which will cost you an additional
$30.00
per
month),
the government pays your beneficiaries $200,000. --------
NOW"
Bubba
concluded,
" Which bunch do you think
hat they are going to send into battle first?"

[Ed Palmer]

"Cure for Chapped Lips"

A cowboy drifter rides into a town in the old west, and stops to tie his horse to a hitching post in front of the saloon. Several loafers, drunks, and townspeople are sitting in chairs on the boardwalk outside the saloon door. They watch, in amazement, as the stranger...after tying his horse, walks around behind the animal, lifts it's tail, and kisses the horse right in it's ass. "Gawd damn, stranger!!", says one of the onlookers, "Why in the hell did you kiss yore hoss's ass?" The stranger lifts the brim of his Stetson, looks the bystander in the eye, and says, "I got chapped lips". The bystander spit tobacco juice into the street and says, "I ain't never heard of curin' chapped lips by kissin' a hosses ass". "Didn't say it'd cure chapped lips", said the stranger, "But, it shore as hell keeps ye from a'lickin' 'em".

[Ed Palmer]

The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before
sex.

They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's
Pharmacies.

They're going to be called: 'Predickamints'

[Ed Palmer]

Why Men Die First...........
>This is a question that has gone unanswered for
>centuries...but, now we know.
> >
> >If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
> >race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework,
> >you're a pansy.
> >
> >If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
> If you don't work
> >
> >enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
> >
> >If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this
>is exploitation.
>
> >If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
>should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
> >
> >If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a
> >job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
> >
> >If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep
> >quiet, it's male indifference.
> >
> >If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
> >
> >If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she
> >makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
> >
> >If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
> >SHE asks you, it's a favor.
> >
> >If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
> >If you don't, you're gay.
> >
> >If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
> >If you don't, you're unromantic.
> >
> >If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
> >
>If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
>If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you
>don't, you're not ambitious.
>
>If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't
>love her anymore.
>
>If you want it too often, you're over-sexed. If you don't, there must
>be someone else.
>
>Men die first because they want to

[Ed Palmer]

Singing In Church



A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross".

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood". The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

[Ed Palmer]

"Jose and Rosa's new life in America"

Jose and Rosa were off the the U.S. Border to

start their new life. They had the kids, the family

pets and all their worldly possessions in the car.

Jose leans over to Rosa and mentions that he is a

little reluctant to cross the border with the pets for

fear that it will cause them problems getting

across. The two family pets are a skunk and a

snake.

Jose: "Rosa I know the kids love the pets but I

don't want to have any problems at the border

with the animaIs, I think we need to come up with

a plan"

Rosa"Oh Jose you are so smart I know you will

think of something"

Jose: " Ah Rosa I got it, with the snake I will loop it

through my belt and then if they look they will

think its a snake skin belt or something"

Rosa: " Oh Jose you are so smart I knew you

would think of something, but what about the

skunk"

Jose " I will think of something... I got it, with the

skunk you can put it up your dress and then if they

look they will think its your bush or something."

Rosa: "That is a good idea, but what about the

smell?"

Jose " Oh well if it dies it dies:

[Ed Palmer]

"Biker,Lawyer, Doctor"

A Lawyer,Doctor, and a Biker are sitting in a bar. The doctor says to the lawyer just had my 10th wedding anniversary bought my wife a new benz and tickets on a carribean cruise I figure if she doesn't enjoy the cruise she'll like the car. The lawyer says I know what you mean mt last anniversary I bought my wife a Rolex watch and a trip across Europe I figure if she did not like the watch she'd enjoy the vacation. biker at hte end of the bar says for my last anniversary I bought my ol lady a Sturgis T shirt and a vibrator I figure if she did not like the T shirt she could go fuxk herself.


__________________

[Ed Palmer]

McGregors Nickname"

Two Scottish guys are sitting at the bar, one goes, "Hey McGregor! How'd you get yer nickname!" MecGregors replies, "Let me tell ya somethin! I built ma own house with ma bare hands! but do they call me McGregor the carpenter? No! I dug ma own well with ma bare hands! i dug it, and set the stone myself, but do they call me Mcgregor the well digger? No! I built ma own fence with ma bare hands! but do they call me McGregor the fence builder? No!...but ya fuxk one goat..."

[Ed Palmer]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.

He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his
trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly,
being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[Ed Palmer]

Goldy Locks

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.


Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.


Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?


It was Momma Bear who got up first,

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,

it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING PORRIDGE YET !!"

[Ed Palmer]

dam you"

a guy went into a bar and he said i want 20 shots of whiskey the bartender said whats wrong i just found out my son is gay he replied and the next night he came in and said i want 50 shots of whiskey and the bartender said whats wrong now the man replied i just found out my other son is gay then the next night he said i want 90 shots of whiskey then the bartender replied dosent anybody in your familly like women yahh my wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ed Palmer]

Lending A Hand

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,


The first girl said"Whatshould I do? The

guy sitting next to me is masturbating."


Her friend replied, "Don't do

anything. Just ignore it."


The first girl said, "I can't."


Her friendsaid,"Why can'tyou ignore it?"


The first one says, "Because he's using

myhand!"

[Ed Palmer]

Diary of a Viagra Wife

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whip cream and whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry", thing again, I'll kill the *******.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f... himself and he did.

Day 16.

The ******* has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18.

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!!