Chuckles of the Day...

[Ed Palmer]

GREENSBURG, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Charges have been dropped against a woman who paid for clothes with a fake $200 bill that featured President Bush's picture and the serial number DUBYA4U2001.

Westmoreland County prosecutors dropped all charges Friday against Deborah L. Trautwine, 51, after she paid the store in real currency.

Trautwine wasn't aware that the bill wasn't actual legal tender, said her attorney, Harry Smail Jr.

A clerk at a Fashion Bug clothing store also apparently was fooled by the funny money.

She gave Trautwine $100.58 in change following an August transaction.

There is no $200 denomination bill, even without Bush's picture on it.

The back of the phony bill depicted the White House with several signs erected on the front lawn, including those reading "We Like Broccoli" and "USA Deserves A Tax Cut."

[DSchmitke]

Darwin awards

It’s time for a few diversions:


Darwin award nominees

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for
the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the
persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves
from the gene pool.



This year's nine nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.



Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."



Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening
to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38 Special, which discharged
when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern
states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)



Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a
pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the
strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day,
told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have
been heavily involved.)



Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with
no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy
showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things).
It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died
in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over
his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't
have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight
bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge
capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick,
and one was hospitalized.



Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)



Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN A Jay County man, using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.



Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector
D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair
moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario
entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime
Provinces.)



Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy
Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast
Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck
had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed
that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse
box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the
headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on
eastbound toward the White River Bridge

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in
the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement,
and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to
his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off,
or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10
years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't
believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said
Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as
normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that
Poole DID, in fact, effectively removed himself from the gene pool.

[DSchmitke]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their
parent's to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went
flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way
down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100

[Phantom Blooper]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''




:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'":)

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''


:bunny:

[Phantom Blooper]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.
Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know. "A
week
later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison





:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God. Looking up, he asks the Lord....."God, what does a million years mean
to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a
million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I
have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of
turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."


The little boy replied, "You take some of this here
turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson"



:)

[thedrifter]

A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

Bible church's focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 150
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...

[thedrifter]

Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

[thedrifter]

Three vampires go to a bar
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

[thedrifter]

Don't give us a bad name
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 07
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

Allow me to introduce my selves

Better living through denial

I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

[thedrifter]

Make it out of a desert
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.

[thedrifter]

Thoughts from work
Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright one-liner
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

[thedrifter]

Choose a punishment
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."

The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

[thedrifter]

Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

[Phantom Blooper]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one
of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he
told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving & only 5% are not."


God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to
Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, Yes,
it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good."


God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because
He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep
going.


Do you know what the E-mail said?......












Just wondering....I didn't get one either....
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked ...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had
time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold
of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the
other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken
then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the! horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship
between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and
out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, there's
a moral!)











"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To
Pick Up Chicks!

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6,
7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal she was quite well developed.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."


:banana:

[Phantom Blooper]

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on the poor donkey."

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey."

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your a** good-bye

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

THREE old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the
park.

The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his
trench coat and exposed himself.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
And then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that
far.
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh s*it."


:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her
problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this
further, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."


:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof ) and the location the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A Marine gets out of the Corps after Nam and lives his life like the American dream.
When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later, he goes down to the local recruiting station, and tells the recruiter, "I want in, I wanna fight."

But the recruiter says, "Sorry man, you're too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there.
He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I want in, I wanna fight."

But his friend says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!" So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again.

St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this guy?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought."

So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him. "Semper Fi, Do or
Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter then says, "Now what?!"

God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion."
So St. Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"

St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?"

God smiles and says, "Take his balls."

So St. Peter takes the guy's balls. The guy stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..."


:) :marine:

[thedrifter]

Baby bear wants to live somewhere else
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2

'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18

Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22

Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 153
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

[thedrifter]

Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

[thedrifter]

Does your dog bite?
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

[thedrifter]

Make it off the island
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 08
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

[thedrifter]

One-liner about business
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

[thedrifter]

Trying to be impressive
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isn't too easy.

[thedrifter]

The last day working
"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright one-liner
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

[thedrifter]

Should have glasses
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[thedrifter]

Things to ponder
I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

[thedrifter]

Baseball in Heaven?
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[Ed Palmer]

DID JA KNOW?

· A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death?

· The flea can jump 350 times its body length?

· The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds?

· The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue?

· Polar Bears are left handed?

· Starfish have no brains?

(hmmmm thats why my last girl friend smelt funny)

[Ed Palmer]

If crime does not pay it means my job is a crime

·Why is there daylight savings time? Why are they saving daylight and where do they keep it?

Do blind dogs have Seeing Eye humans?

Do files get embarrassed when they are unzipped?

·Do hummingbirds hum because they forgot the words?

·Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “Up Over?”

[Ed Palmer]

My wife Crystal was making breakfast of bacon and eggs for me and the kids. Suddenly, I ran into the kitchen and said, “Careful…CAREFUL! Put in some more butter. Oh Noooooo, you are cooking too many at once! Turn’em, Turn’em. Look out, more butter, we need more butter. They are gonna stick! Careful, I said be careful. You never listen to me. Turn'em, Hurry up. Are you Nuts? Have you lost your mind? Put some salt on them eggs. Use the salt, use the salt, the salt!”

Now, Crystal stared at me and asked, “What in the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’ know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

I said, “Well, I just wanted to show you how it feels when I’m driving.”

[Ed Palmer]

FACTS ABOUT THE SOUTH

· In North Carolina a widow gets all the money from her husband’s estate but she can’t touch it till she is 17 years old.

·In Georgia, people go to the movies in groups of 18 because of the sign at the theater that says, “Under 17 not admitted.”

·The Minimum drinking age in Tennessee is 29 years old, because they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

·Louisiana has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

·The best thing to come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

The Governor’s Mansion in Montgomery once burned down. In fact, it almost took out the entire trailer park.

[Ed Palmer]

THE BENEFITS OF AGING

A senior citizen was very upset and called her doctor’s office. She said, “Is it true that the medicine you prescribed to me has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

The doctor said, “Why, yes mame, I am afraid that is correct.”

There was silence on the phone for a moment and then the senior lady said, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.”

[Ed Palmer]

OLEY AND HIS FRIEND

Oley wasn’t looking where he was going when his shopping cart crashed into another man’s cart at Wal-Mart. Oley says , “Vhoops! I am sorry, but I vas yust look fur my vife.”

The other guy says, “He me too, and I am a little frustrated.

Oley says, “Vell, maybe I can help you, vat does yer vife look like?”

The man says, “My wife is tall and slender with blond hair and blue eyes and very buff. What does your wife look like?”

Oley says, “Neffer mind, let’s yust look for yours.”

[Ed Palmer]

SCAM WARNING, SCAM WARNING, SCAM WARNING

Listen up people: If some dude comes to your front door and says he is a door-to-door dermatologist and asks you to disrobe so he can check for suspicious looking moles, DO NOT DO IT! This is a Major SCAM! This guy just wants to see you naked. I wish I had found this out yesterday. I feel so stupid right now!

[Ed Palmer]

GOD AND THE ATHEIST

A college professor, an Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked students by saying that there IS no God, the expression “one nation under God” was unconstitutional and that he would prove that there is no God.

Addressing the ceiling he yelled, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. You have 10 minutes.”

The room fell silent. Ten minutes passed. Again the professor yelled, “Here I am God, I am waiting.”

When there were just a few minutes left, a Marine just released from active duty, walked up to the professor and hit him hard in the face causing him to be knocked off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and waited for the professor to come too.

The professor eventually woke up and looked at the Marine and yelled, “Why did you do that?”

The Marine said, “God was busy, he sent me. God Bless America!”

[Ed Palmer]

MY NEXT JOB

I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I over heard two greeters who were sitting on that bench out front during their break. One turns to the other and asks, “Slim, I’m 75 years old and I am full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a new born baby.”

The first guy says, “Really? A new born baby?”

Slim says, “Yep, I ain’t got no teeth, no hair and I am pretty sure I just wet my pants.”

[thoms]

whoever said Marines don't have humor? These jokes were great and a great way to start out my day. Thanks.

[Phantom Blooper]

A young farm boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door. "Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"He went with Maw and Paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

:)

[Ed Palmer]

THE OLD LADY

A lady goes into the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. The old lady tells the bartender, "I'm on this ship to celebrate my 80th birthday."

She finishes her drink and the woman to her right says, "I'd like to buy you a drink."

Old lady says, "Thank you, Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with two drops of water."

The man to her left says, "I want to buy you a drink too."

The Old lady says, "Bartender, Give me a Scotch with two drops of water."

Bartender gives it to her and asks, "Mam I'm dying to know why you only want two drops of water in your Scotch?"

Old lady says, "Young man, when you are my age you have learned how to hold your liquor. However, water is a whole other issues."

[Ed Palmer]

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week go to a nice restaurant for food and drink;let her go on Tuesdays and you go on Fridays.

2. Take your wife everywhere and hope she doesn't find her way back.

3. Always hold hands. If you let go she will shop and buy something.

4. Marry Miss right. Just make sure her first name isn't always.

5. Take your spouse somewhere where she's never been in a long time. Like the kitchen.

[Ed Palmer]

THE DYSFUNCTIONAL SECTION OF A HALLMARK STORE

Card # 1 "I've always wanted someone to hold and love and now that you've come into my life, I've changed my mind."

Card # 2 "As the days go by, I think how lucky I am (Open Card) that you are not here to ruin it for me."

Card # 3 "Congratulations on your wedding day! ( Open Card) Too bad nobody likes your husband."

Card # 4 "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age. (Open Card) Almost Life like

Card # 5 "I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you are here."

Card # 6 "Happy Birthday Uncle Dad" (Available only in MS, Arkansas, and W. Virginia)

Card # 7 "Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder ( Open Card) What the heck was I thinking?"

[Ed Palmer]

DO OUR TEACHERS GET A FAIR SHAKE?

A teacher asks: "Let me see if I have this right. You want me to go into the classroom with all those kids and fill their minds with learning? I am supposed to give them a sense of pride in their ethnicity, keep them from destructive behavior, look for signs of abuse and censure their dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs, STD's, check their backpacks for weapons and raise their self-esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play and how to register to vote and apply for a job.

I have to check them for lice, recognize signs of bad behavior, offer advice and give letters of recommendations for employment and scholarships.

I am to stay in touch with their parents or guardians.

I have to do this with one piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, and a big smile and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps?

You want me to do all this and NOT TO PRAY?"
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THE SHORT CUT

A soldier stationed in Washington, D.C. took a short cut through Arlington National Cemetery on his way to Fort Myer.

He encountered a roadblock manned by the Military Police. An MP called out to him and asked, "Are you supposed to be here?"

The soldier called back, "Not yet."

The MP smiled and waved him on.

[Ed Palmer]

LEARNING CHINESE IN TWO MINUTES

1. That's not right Sum ting Wong

2. Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3. See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

4. Stupid man Dum Gai

5. Small horse Tai Ni Po Ni

6. You need a face lift Chin tu Fat

7. Did you go to the beach? Wai yu So Tan?

[Ed Palmer]

QUESTIONS REDNECKS ASK WHEN TOURING THE WHITE HOUSE

1. Hey, can I sleep in the Lincoln bedroom tonight?

2. When will we get to meet Former President Martin Sheen?

3. Y'all having BBQ tonight for supper?

4. Where are those mongrel dogs the President always has on a leash?

5. Is that really W's mamma's picture on the one-dollar bill?

6. Where's the Presidential Beer cooler?

7. Can we see Monica's Closet?

[Ed Palmer]

T-SHIRT SLOGANS SEEN IN IRAQ

· I'm a Terrorist Buster

· I surfed the Straits of Hormuz

· My Dad Blew himself up and all I got was this Lousy T- shirt

· Death to Americans Except Michael Moore

· You Ain't Shiite if you Don't have a gun

· Official Sand Flea Inspector

· I eat Kerry Waffles for Breakfast

[Ed Palmer]

THE WAR STORY

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino finally went to his local church for confession. He made the following act of contrition; "Father, during WWII a beautiful woman knocked on my door and ask if I could hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The Priest said, "My son that is a beautiful deed you did and you have no need to confess."

The old man said, "It's worse than that Father, she repaid me for my kindness by cooking and cleaning and baking fresh bread every day and I sort of treated her as if we were married."

The Priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, when two people are thrust into such circumstances it seems all right to me to have handled it like you did. If you have sinned, and are heartily sorry, then your actions are forgiven."

Old man said, "Thank you father that is a load off my mind and heart. One more question."

The Priest, "And what is your question?"

Old man, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

[Ed Palmer]

HOW TO CLEAN A COMMODE

I got this note the other day and it said, "to clean the commode put both lids of the toilet up and ad 1/8th cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat, soothe it and ease toward the bathroom. In one smooth move, throw the cat in the commode, and close the lid. Flush the toilet several times. Lift the lid, stand back, and the cat will streak out and dry himself off. Both the cat and the commode will be sparkling clean." Signed, the Dog.

[Ed Palmer]

THE COACH

In a class on abnormal psychology, the teacher was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. The teacher asked the class, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of their lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A student in the back of the class yelled out, "A basketball coach?"



,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
LETTER FROM A SENIOR CITIZEN TO THE PRESIDENT

Dear Sir:

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had a very good and well paying job. I took many vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since you took office, Mr. Bush, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job, lost my two sons in the Iraq war, lost my homes and my health insurance and retirement. I am virtually homeless. I've been arrested and treated like an animal. I will do anything to help you, Mr. Bush, leave office.

I thought you would like to know what this senior citizen has to say about the Bush Administration. Thank you for reading my letter.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

[Ed Palmer]

REDNECK VACATION

Bubba Bob and Elmer were talking one day when Bubba Bob tells Elmer, "You know, I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm going to do it different."

Bubba Bob said, "the last few years I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Well I went and my wife Earlene got pregnant."

Bubba Bob said, " Two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas and the same thing happened."

"Last year you suggested I got to Tahiti and again it happened."

Elmer said, " What you gonna do different?"

Bubba Bob said, " This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[Ed Palmer]

THE YOUNG PREACHER

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but took a wrong turn and got lost. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were.

The young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid in place. He took out his book, read the service, and preached an impassioned and lengthy service for the deceased. As he finished and walked the his car he heard one of the workmen say, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20-years and I ain't never seen nothing like that before."

[Ed Palmer]

RELIGIONS OF THE WORL

A teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's fait to class to share with the other children. Each one was asked to come forward in the class and talk about their faith.

1st child said, "I'm Muslim and this is my prayer rug."

2nd child said, "I'm Jewish and this is my family's menorah."

3rd child said, "I'm Catholic and this is my Mom's rosary."

4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."

5th child said, "I'm Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."

[Ed Palmer]

QUICK THINKING MINISTER

The Preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money for building repairs for the church. He was annoyed to discover that the regular organist was sick and a sub had been brought in to play. The substitute wanted to know what to play. So the Preacher gave him a copy of the service and told him to play something special when the Preacher made the announcement about finances.

During the service the Preacher said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the room repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Anyone who can pledge $100 or more please stand up."

At that moment the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

The sub soon became the full time organist.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,_____________________
NEWS FLASH! The investigation of Martha Steward continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is very interesting. She says, "First you boil the chicken in water and then you dump the stock."

[Ed Palmer]

SUCCESS!

Two old friends met once after many years. One attended college and now was successful. The other never attended College and never had much ambition.

The successful man asked, "How's it going?"

The 2nd friend said, "Well One day I opened the Bible at random, dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So I invested in oil and the oil wells gushed."

The 2nd friend said, "Then another time I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So I invested in Gold mines and they really produced."

The successful man was impressed and he rushed in his hotel room to get a Gideon Bible, flipped it open and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and found that his finger rested on the words, CHAPTER ELEVEN."

[Ed Palmer]

YOU MAY BE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF

· The finance committee won't pay for a new chandelier because nobody knows how to play it.

· The debate in Sunday school whether Jesus fed the 5000 with bass or catfish.

· Deer season means no church that weekend.

· Baptism is referred to as branding.

· High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor howling.

· You think rapture is what you get from lifting heavy things.

· The church directory only has Seven last names of people.

· Collection plates are old hubcaps.

· The benediction is, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"

[Ed Palmer]

THREE SHORT STORIES

1. A lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. The Postman says, " Is there anything breakable in here?" The lady says, "Only the Ten Commandments."

2. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord." And those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

3. A minister parked in a no-parking zone in a big city. He put a note on the windshield that read, "I have circled the block 20 times. If I don't park here I will miss my meeting. Forgive us of our trespasses."

When he got back he found this note from the Policeman,"I have circled this block for ten years and if I don't give you a ticket I will lose my job. Lead us not into temptation

[thedrifter]

The Cat and The Husband

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

[thedrifter]

I Don't Need Anything Else

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife looks over at him and says, 'Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, 'I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, 'I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, 'I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, 'I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.' The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, 'Is there anything you want?'

The husband says, 'No, I've got everything I need right here.' She asks, 'What's that?'

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 'I've got the airbag!'

[thedrifter]

Whom you should Marry?

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.

The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.

Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened?

Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.

The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.

All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

[thedrifter]

Sheila and George

Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell. George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower.

"Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy," do me a favor, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"

"Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his moustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this."

"Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!"

"Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour."

[thedrifter]

Reasons for making / not making love.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
09 times you said weren't in the mood
07 times you were sunburned
06 times you were watching the late show
05 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
03 times you said the neighbors would hear us
09 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
06 times you just laid there
08 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
04 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
07 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
01 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

05 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
02 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
04 times you got it stuck in your zipper
03 times you had a cold and your nose was running
02 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
06 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV


Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

Laughing Horse

A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?"

"Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!"

The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.

About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.

"What's the deal now?" He asks.

"Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!"

The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.

"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"

"Easy", he says,"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!"

[thedrifter]

Three Mice at the Bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.

When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar.

Turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.

"The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and **** the cat."

[thedrifter]

Bar Challenge

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Phantom Blooper]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.


"My name is Carmen," she told him.


"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Did your mother give it to you?"


"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most: cars and men."


They continued to talk and finally she asked his name.


"Beerf*ck," he said.:)

[thedrifter]

Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

[thedrifter]

Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

[thedrifter]

Answering machine message 169
Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert appropriate weather report for the season here.)

[thedrifter]

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

[thedrifter]

What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

[thedrifter]

golf club visits a local bar
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

[thedrifter]

Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

[thedrifter]

Bumper stickers 09
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

[thedrifter]

A drunk Irisihman falls
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

[thedrifter]

Lightbulb joke
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

[thedrifter]

Evaluating employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

[thedrifter]

Steven Wright one-liner
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

[thedrifter]

You might be a redneck if ...
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

[thedrifter]

Quotes of Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

[Ed Palmer]

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

(Whoo hoo! Senior Power!)

[Ed Palmer]

This is realy an old Salt. Yea Marine all the way

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

[Phantom Blooper]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money"


:banana:

[JAG5150]

It's about 0130 and a cop is sitting outside of a bar waiting to get a drunk driver.
A guy comes stumbling out of the bar, goes to a car and tries his key, it does not fit.
Goes to the second car, again wrong car.
Does this three more times until he finds his car, opens the door and gets in.
Guys head hits the horn and stays there with the horn sounding for about 2 minutes.
guy sits up and then falls to the side.
Cop watshes the guy, it's gonna be a good bust.

About 0215 after the bar closes and everybody is gone the guy sits up, starts the car and drives off, the cop follows.
The guy is driving perfectly, stops at lights and signs, turns perfect, the cop is confused and decides to pull him over any way.
Cop has the guy get out and take a series of field sobriety test, guy passes with flying colors, cop looks baffled.
Guy starts laughing, cop gets angry and "says what's so damn funny", guy says "Oh nothing, I was just the designated decoy".

[Phantom Blooper]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears, "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech.' At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech.' When I was eight you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy speech.' If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." :)

[thedrifter]

The New Maid

A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

[thedrifter]

A blind man vists the state of Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[thedrifter]

Knowing the Difference

An old married couple were driving down the road one day when suddenly the woman punched her husband right in the face. He shouted, "what the hell was that for?". She replied, "That was for 50 years of the worst sex I ever had!"

As they continued down the road, suddenly the man hit his wife square in the face. She turned to him and said, "what was that for?"

He said, "that, was for knowing the difference."

[Phantom Blooper]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.


"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeths, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head up the horse's twat, pulls him out, and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!"
:)

[Phantom Blooper]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination, and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real...

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

[thedrifter]

Firm THIS Up


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

[thedrifter]

Getting Out of A Ticket


A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[thedrifter]

Reality In Marriage


This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass...". He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?"