Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God


or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[lakers]

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People
Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When
They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From
Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids



7. What Do You Call A Boomerang
That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four
Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You
Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.



13. What Lies At The Bottom
Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between
Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.



16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was
Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.



19. What Is The Difference Between
A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between
A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.



22. How Are A Texas Tornado And
A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[lakers]

Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[lakers]

TO: All employees
FROM: The boss

DATE: January 28, 2000

RE: Foul Language



It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!ting me.



TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?



TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his azz.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my azz.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your azz.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b!tch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck are you doing?

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021110.gif

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021110.gif

[lakers]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s.'"

[lakers]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

__________________

[lakers]

There once was a man who was very rich who had lots of money, a big house and lots of women.

Well when a man has everything he gets bored. To reduce the boredom, our man had an annual party that was just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous year. He was still bored.

One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles. Halfway through the annual party, he announced: "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house."

There was silence.

Then he added, "Anyone that can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks."

Still silence.

Sweetening the offer he added, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive, can have my house, my stocks, my investments and all my money."

Suddenly, there's a loud splash. There's a man in the pool fighting for his life with the crocodiles. It's a struggle, but he manages to swim across the pool. He just makes it to the other end and climbs out, half dead with one arm and one leg.

"Oh my god" Said the rich man that was incredible. "When do you want the house?"

"I don't want the house" said the poor guy.

"When do you want the money?"

"I don't want the money."

"When do you want all my stocks and investments?"

"I don't want your stocks and investments."

So the rich guy says "Well what do you want then?"

"I want the jerk that pushed me in."

[lakers]

Spiders

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

Girl: "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

Daddy: "They're mating."

Girl: "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"

Daddy: "That's a daddy longlegs."

Girl: "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?"

Daddy: "No, Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having that stuff happening in our garden."

[lakers]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[thedrifter]

A man was out taking a walk one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree, then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

She replied, "Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

[thedrifter]

A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a *****'s shoe."

[thedrifter]

After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence.

So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.

Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

[thedrifter]

A young woman says to her doctor, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee' thinks that I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"Medically, not really," the doctor replies. "Try this: On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When your husband enters you, snap the rubber band and tell your husband it's your cherry popping."

On the wedding night, the new bride undresses in the bathroom and slips the rubber band around her thigh. She and her husband begin to make love. As her husband enters her she snaps the rubber band right on cue.

"What the hell was that?" the husband asks.

"That was my cherry snapping," the bride says.

"Well, snap it again," her husband yells. "It's got my balls."

[Kegler300]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington. D.C. this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital.

However, there was no problem in finding enough asses to fill the stable. :D

[thedrifter]

QUEEN ELIZABETH AND DOLLY PARTON



Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both

go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel

must decide which of them gets in.



The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she

should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look

at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm

sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for

eternity."



The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The

Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of

her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.



The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."



Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's

own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act

of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"



"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush

beats two of a kind."

[thedrifter]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck, Tech Support

[thedrifter]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

[lakers]

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"No ****! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

__________________

[lakers]

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time.

She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- the best sex he'd ever had! He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.

He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

[thedrifter]

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2002/11/cartoon13.jpg

[lakers]

The young 2nd Lieutenant approached the crusty old MSG and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a 1st lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yes, Master Sergeant" replies the lieutenant, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"

The Master Sergeant explains, "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

__________________

[chado]

Back in the old west, a cowboy and his virgin bride are going on their honeymoon. While they're on the trail, they come upon a cow and a bull going at it. The bride asks her husband, "What are they doing!!???" Her husband replies, "Well, they're ropin!!"

A few minutes later, they come upon two horses going at it. The bride asks her husband the same question and he gives her the same response.

When they finally get to their hotel room and the cowboy gets undressed, his wife looks down at his manhood and asks, "What is that thing?" He responds, "Well baby, that's my rope!" She asks, "Well then what are those things?" He responds, "Well those are my knots!"

So after a few minutes of sex, his wife exclaims "STOP, STOP, STOP!!!" He asks her, "What's wrong, am I hurting you?" She responds, "No, untie those knots, I need some more rope!"

[thedrifter]

Busted:

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father
into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his
mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing
home at 30 to 1!"

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, a Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves and both of their barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a *****house!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."

[NamNuts]

You know you are trailer trash when:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12 yrs old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Someone in your family died right after saying: "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. You wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

[thedrifter]

from gylancaster

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals
on
> > display.
> > While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the
local Air
> > Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114
monkey,
> > please."
> >
> > The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took
out a
> > monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it
the
> >Gunny,
> > saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Gunny paid and left with the
monkey.
> >
> > Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That
was a
> >very
> > expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why did
> > that one cost so much?"
> >
> > The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig
aircraft
> > flight
> > controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PFT, set up a perimeter
defense
> > and perform the duties of ASDO with no mistakes. It's well worth
the
> > money."
> >
> > The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even
more
> > expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"
> > "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can
instruct
at
> > all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the O, I and
Depot
> > level,
> > and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed,"
> >replied
> > the
> > shopkeeper.
> >
> > The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third
monkey in
a
> > cage.The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist
exclaimed,
> >"That
> > one costs more than all the others put together! What in the
world
> >could
> > it
> > do?"
> >
> > "Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer
and
play
> > with his dick, but his papers say he's a fighter pilot.
> >
> >

[Barrio_rat]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.

The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

[Barrio_rat]

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply:

"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was:

"Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

[Barrio_rat]

Winter Weather Forecast

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

[Barrio_rat]

Contractor

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.

Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room and she says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, writes it down on his pad of paper, then leans out the window once more and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP".

The woman is even more perplexed, but still lets it slide. They then wander into the b! edroom. "In here, I'd like a restful, peaceful blue." The contractor nods again, writes it down on his pad of paper, and goes to the window and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP."

This is just too much. The woman has to ask. So she says to him "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, then yell out the window "GREEN SIDE UP". What on earth does that mean?

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

[thedrifter]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[thedrifter]

Once, a young woman married a very wealthy man. They were quite happy, but after ten years he passed away, leaving her a very wealthy widow.

Still being young, she met an actor and they married. She saw many Broadway shows that he starred in, and they traveled a great deal. But after they had been married about 10 years, he too passed away. This was the second husband that she had to bury.

Still being a young woman of about 40, she began going to church. She met the new pastor, and they fell in love and married. Unfortunately after a few years, he too passed away. This was the third husband she'd had to bury.

Still being a desirable woman, she met a wonderful man who was a mortician. After they had been married about five years, she took ill and passed away.

Some people say that she married: 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to GO.

[thedrifter]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and asks, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget.

The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

Little Johnny replied, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021117.gif

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021117.gif

[Barrio_rat]

A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of in it so it was decided to use cactus plants. The students planted the cactus seeds in the planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home.

[Kegler300]

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[Kegler300]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...it's about time you became informed!

> {A} - Almost Boobs
> {B} - Barely there
> {C} - Can't Complain!
> {D} - Damn!
> {DD} - Double damn!
> {E} - Enormous!
> {F} - Fake

[fishon]

Keg. U couldnt have said it better.

Semper Fi.. Fishon

[thedrifter]

sent by gylancaster

The Old Geezer Test
> > > 1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
> > > a. On the floor shift knob
> > > b. On the floor, left of the clutch
> > > c. Next to the horn
> > >
> > > 2. After drinking the beverage, some people punched holes in he
> > bottle cap
> > > of a Royal Crown Cola bottle. For what purpose was it used?
> > > a. Capture lightning bugs.
> > > b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
> > > c. Large salt shaker
> > >
> > > 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
> > > a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
> > > b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
> > > c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze,
> > expanding
> > > and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
> > >
> > > 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
> > > a. Blackjack
> > > b. Gin
> > > c. Craps
> > >
> > > 5. What method did women adopt to look as if they were wearing
> > stockings
> > > when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?
> > > a. Suntan
> > > b. Leg painting
> > > c. Wearing slacks
> > >
> > > 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you
> > couldn't
> > > tell whether it was coming or going?
> > > a. Studebaker
> > > b. Nash Metro
> > > c. Tucker
> > >
> > > 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
> > > a. Strips of dried peanut butter
> > > b. Chocolate-licorice bars
> > > c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
> > >
> > > 8. For what purpose was Butch Wax used?
> > > a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
> > > b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
> > > c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
> > >
> > > 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates
> > attached to
> > > your shoes?
> > > a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
> > > b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
> > > c. Long pieces of string or twine
> > >
> > > 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a
decision?
> > > a. Consider all the facts
> > > b. Ask Mom
> > > c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
> > >
> > > 11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite
sex?
> > > a. A cold
> > > b. VD
> > > c. Cooties
> > >
> > > 12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"
> > > a. SUV
> > > b. Taxi
> > > c. Streetcar
> > >
> > > 13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
> > > a. Old Blue
> > > b. Paint
> > > c. Macaroni
> > >
> > > 14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
> > > a. Part of the game of hide and seek
> > > b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
> > > c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in
an A
> > bomb
> > > drill
> > >
> > > 15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody
> > show?
> > > a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
> > > b. Princess Sacajewea
> > > c. Princess Moonshadow
> > >
> > > 16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests
> > were
> > > handed out in school?
> > > a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to
get
> > you
> > > "high"
> > > b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the
window
> > > c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure
> > >
> > > 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with
> > purchases?
> > > a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted
like
> > bubble
> > > gum
> > > b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various
> > household
> > > items
> > > c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos
> > >
> > > 18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"
> > > a. Meatballs
> > > b. Dames
> > > c. Ammunition
> > >
> > > 19. What was the name of the group who made the song "Cabdriver"
a
> > hit?
> > > a. The Ink Spots
> > > b. The Supremes
> > > c. The Esquires
> > >
> > > 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
> > > a. Tony Bennett
> > > b. Xavier Cougat
> > > c. George Gershwin
> > > -------------------------------------------------
> > > ANSWERS
> > > 1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in
> > Europe,
> > > took till the '60s to catch on.
> > > 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
> > > 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping
the
> > bottle
> > > top.
> > > 4. a) Blackjack Gum.
> > > 5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down
the
> > back of
> > > the leg with eyebrow pencil.
> > > 6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
> > > 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
> > > 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
> > > 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a
> > shoestring
> > > around your neck.
> > > 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
> > > 11. c) Cooties.
> > > 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
> > > 13. c) Macaroni.
> > > 14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms
in
> > an
> > > A-bomb drill.
> > > 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
> > > 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."
> > > 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for
> > household items
> > > at the Green Stamp store.
> > > 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
> > > 19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.
> > > 20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.
> > > ---------------------------------------
> > > SCORING
> > > 17 - 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously
> > gifted with
> > > mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
> > > 12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely
> > muddy.
> > > 0 - 11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer
> > >
> > > I qualified as older than dirt.....
> > >
> > > --
> > > . _ __________=__
> > > . \\@([____]______()
> > > . _/\|-[____]
> > > . / /(( ) dscott@ruraltel.net
> > > ./____|'----'
> > > .\____/ Go Ahead... Make my Day!! (send me Email)
> > >
> > >
> > >

[thedrifter]

sent by gylancaster


Getting Old


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE - I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

FOUR - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

FIVE - All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

SIX - If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT - Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

NINE - I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

TEN - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

TWELVE - It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

FIFTEEN - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?

SIXTEEN - It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here
after.

NINETEEN - I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR
NOT

[thedrifter]

Patton And St.Peter





Most of you know that Patton was a well known Army General. What you may not know is that Patton hated Marines. As a matter of fact, he hated Marines so
much that whe he died and went to Heaven, he had only one request of St. Peter before entering: "St. Peter" said Patton "I am very happy to have made it to heaven, but before I come in you must tell me if there are any Marines in Heaven. I'm sick of them. They were always outdoing my Army troops and making us look bad. They always got all the credit as the best fighting force on earth. Now
I want to spend eternity in peace, without Marines!" St. Peter chuckled slightly and said, "Patton, you don't have to worry about that. Marines are too wild and crazy for Heaven. We can't have them here, they make too much noise and cause a lot of trouble." With that, Patton gave a sigh of relief and went on in to Heaven. He decided to take a tour around to see his new eternal home. Patton saw all the wonderous beauties and was smiling and whistling. Then he turned the corner onto Main Street and he saw it.. He became furious and went running back to the gates of Heaven. "St. Peter!" cried Patton "You promised me there were no Marines in Heaven, but I was just on Main Street and I saw a Marine standing tall and proud in his Dress Blues and shiny shoes. Right there in front of my own eyes!" St. Peter chuckled to himself and said, "Patton, calm down, that's not a Marine, I told you we can't have them in Heaven. That's God, he just
thinks he's a Marine."

[Barrio_rat]

For the kids who think going to jail/prison is cool, this should wake 'em up!

[Kegler300]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin,
Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course,
ibepokin.

[NamNuts]

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the
first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill Clinton. He looked back and stared at the agent, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders.

Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her
pants, and dropped her right over the wall into the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild.

They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and
smiling, when the agent leans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

[Barrio_rat]

More than 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

And,

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

[thedrifter]

Playboy Graffiti

- So long as a woman has curves, he has angles.

- He can take one look at a girl and tell what kind of a past she is going to have.

- If a girl has the time, he has the place.

- In his opinion, there is nothing like good music, good wine, a good meal and a bad girl.

- He starts with orchids and ends with forget me notes.

- He believes a woman's best measurement is thirty-sex / twenty-sex / thirty-sex.

- He's very broad minded; in fact that's all he thinks about.

- Give him an inch and he takes the whole 36-24-36.

- All he asks of a woman are two keys, one to her heart and the other to her apartment.

- Life for him is just one continuous round of dame foolishness.

[thedrifter]

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Q: How are women and the lottery alike?
A: You pay to play, and then you pray that you might get lucky!

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.

Q: What is a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.

[thedrifter]

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. "Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[thedrifter]

As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair-raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabby. "You've got six kids and you've got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was telling his friend at a bar of a hotel they were staying at, "You know, I had a woman beating on my door 'til 5am last night!"

"Oh," said his friend, "what did you do at 5am, then?"

The guy sighed and replied, "Well, I let her out."

[thedrifter]

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.

He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

[thedrifter]

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton computer model coming out soon. It will have a six-inch hard drive, but no memory.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most people worry about getting AIDS from SEX. Bill Clinton worries about getting SEX from AIDES!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy some condoms."

The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?"

"No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A reporter asked Clinton one day: "Was Monica lying?"

Clinton responded by saying, "No. She was on her knees."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton's team of advisors have offered another possible defense: Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition!

He told her to lie in THIS position.

[thedrifter]

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

[thedrifter]

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while.

I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like, "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty, naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, now would you?"

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[thedrifter]

The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children's group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat.

She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk "young" learning all the buzz words and hip sayings.

One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, "If anyone want secs, just let me know. I'll be in the kitchen getting it ready." . . .

[thedrifter]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Wally, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Wally walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Wally had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Wally.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Wally. "But, this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[thedrifter]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," she replied.

"Was it when they cut off your balls?" asked the guys.

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," said the girl.

"What was the most painful part?" the guys asked.

She answered, "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[Art Petersn]

BE THE BEST THAT YOU CAN BE




Dear Ma and Pa:



Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.



Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it is not bad, they git warm water.



Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you till noon, when you get fed again.



It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on “route marches”, which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.



The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.



Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,



Gail



P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. Them city boys shoot craps, but not very good

[JinxJr]

Gone Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any Sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a Salesman back in Texas."

Well, the Boss liked the kid so much, he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close to see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the Boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says. "One."

The Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20-30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64"

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What in the Hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold this guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a large fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that new twin-engine ChrisCraft. He said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to the Automotive Department and sold him that 4x4 Chevy Blazer."

The Boss said, "Let me get this straight...A guy came in here to buy a FISH HOOK and you sold him a boat and a truck?."

Kid says, "Nope, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, looks like your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishing!' "

[fishon]

Jinx as a avid fisherman I couldn`t stop laughing and almost Peed my Pants while reading it. I have to tell my Brother about it as we fish together all the time.
Semper Fi Fishon

[ladileathrnek]

To Take Charge Of This Post...


> A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense....
Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."
PFC to driver: "Don't do that."
Admiral to driver: "You heard me. Drive on."
PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45:
"Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"

[NamNuts]

Oops...A Phone Call

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover
watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the
conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with
you."

[fabboss]

Here's some proverbs.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But... Out of sight, out of mind.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. But... It's never to late to learn.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But... Turnabout is fair play.

He who hesitates is lost. But... Haste makes waste. (Or Look before you leap.)

You can't judge a book by its cover. But... What you see is what you get.

Birds of a feather flock together. But... Opposites attract.

Ask no questions and hear no lies. But... Ask and you shall receive.

Variety is the spice of life. But... Don't change horses in midstream.

The pen is mightier than the sword. But... Actions speak louder than words.

Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. But... Forewarned is forearmed.

Silence is golden. But... The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Clothes make the man. But... You can't judge a book by its cover.

The best things come in small packages. But... The bigger the better.

A miss is as good as a mile. But... Half a loaf is better than none.

An old fox is not easily snared. But... There's no fool like an old fool.

Practice makes perfect. But... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. But... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But... A man's reach should exceed his grasp.

There's safety in numbers. But... Better to be alone than in bad company.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But... Don't beat a dead horse.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. But... Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease...

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

TRY TO HAVE A UTTERLY SPECTACULAR DAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since
they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book.
The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the ****."

[fabboss]

Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a
few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."


:banana:

[fabboss]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds..
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed p people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[Darwins Greed]

I always thought it was: "Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an Airplane."

[JinxJr]

Paratrooper !!!

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers, went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and, finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day he phoned his Father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" his Father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the Father. "Ummm, not yet. Then the Sergeant started grabbing men one at a time and threw them out of the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the Father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else jumped and I was the last one left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my ass!". "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed the doorframe and refused to let go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this GREAT BIG guy, about 6'5" and 275 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No Sir, I'm too scared!' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his manhood out. I swear, it had to be ten inches long...LIMP! He said 'Boy, either you jump outta that door or I'm gonna plug you with this!' " "So, did you jump then?" asked the Father.
"Well...a little... at first!"

[JinxJr]

Lucky in Love


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What Dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the F*** AWAY FROM ME !!!"

[thedrifter]

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

And:
1 time, I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

[thedrifter]

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

The Facts of Life

1. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

2. Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

3. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.

4. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.

5. Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

6. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

8. She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it.

9. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

10. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

[thedrifter]

One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.

First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."

Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."

First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."

Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

[thedrifter]

One day a fellow was talking to his buddy, when he remarked, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

The first fellow replied, "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[thedrifter]

Recently, an unfortunate lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade. Her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, and circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip. And there were still five shaves left!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

[thedrifter]

The Facts of Life

1. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

2. Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

3. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.

4. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.

5. Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

6. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

8. She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it.

9. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

10. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

[thedrifter]

Common Wedding Questions and Answers

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: NOT if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post."

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is the definition of a Shotgun wedding?
A: A case of wife or death.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.

First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."

Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."

First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."

Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."

[thedrifter]

Translated Male Vocabulary - Part I

"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Translation: The batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
Translation: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

"Take a break, honey. You're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

'That's interesting, dear."
Translation: Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much from me."
Translation: You want me to stay awake?

"That's women's work."
Translation: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.

"You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: I remember the theme song to "Rocky V," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself; it's no big deal."
Translation: I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

[thedrifter]

Two older Jewish ladies, Sophie and Fran, were shopping one afternoon, and Sophie says to Fran, "Wish me good luck. My son finally met a girl and maybe they will get married - But the only thing my son said is that she has Herpes. What is Herpes?"

Fran says, "I don't know, but I have a medical dictionary at home and I will go home and look it up for you."

The next day the ladies again meet, and Fran says to her friend, "Sophie it's okay. You don't have to worry. It's a disease of the gentiles!"

[thedrifter]

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must be blue."

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So I switched the heads."

[Kegler300]

A Turkish diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, pizza, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then one time he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but a man is sitting on the well!"

[slushy08]

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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want
the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while
the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty,
explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say
good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long", he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

----------------------------------

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

----------------------------------


The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara,
toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said,

"Does this look natural?"

----------------------------------


Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/6561.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3435.jpg

[thedrifter]

OUCH!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3311.jpg

[thedrifter]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child," the doctor explained.

"But that's impossible!" replied the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[thedrifter]

Bill went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said, "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

[thedrifter]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the