Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.


" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God


or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[lakers]

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People
Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When
They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From
Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids



7. What Do You Call A Boomerang
That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four
Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You
Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.



13. What Lies At The Bottom
Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between
Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.



16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was
Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.



19. What Is The Difference Between
A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between
A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.



22. How Are A Texas Tornado And
A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[lakers]

Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[lakers]

TO: All employees
FROM: The boss

DATE: January 28, 2000

RE: Foul Language



It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!ting me.



TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?



TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his azz.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my azz.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your azz.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b!tch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck are you doing?

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021110.gif

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021110.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021110.gif

[lakers]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."

"What? He had two *******s?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two *******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two *******s.'"

[lakers]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

__________________

[lakers]

There once was a man who was very rich who had lots of money, a big house and lots of women.

Well when a man has everything he gets bored. To reduce the boredom, our man had an annual party that was just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous year. He was still bored.

One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles. Halfway through the annual party, he announced: "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house."

There was silence.

Then he added, "Anyone that can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks."

Still silence.

Sweetening the offer he added, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive, can have my house, my stocks, my investments and all my money."

Suddenly, there's a loud splash. There's a man in the pool fighting for his life with the crocodiles. It's a struggle, but he manages to swim across the pool. He just makes it to the other end and climbs out, half dead with one arm and one leg.

"Oh my god" Said the rich man that was incredible. "When do you want the house?"

"I don't want the house" said the poor guy.

"When do you want the money?"

"I don't want the money."

"When do you want all my stocks and investments?"

"I don't want your stocks and investments."

So the rich guy says "Well what do you want then?"

"I want the jerk that pushed me in."

[lakers]

Spiders

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

Girl: "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

Daddy: "They're mating."

Girl: "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"

Daddy: "That's a daddy longlegs."

Girl: "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?"

Daddy: "No, Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having that stuff happening in our garden."

[lakers]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[thedrifter]

A man was out taking a walk one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree, then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

She replied, "Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

[thedrifter]

A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the boy's college dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his grandson was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway to his room.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But Grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a *****'s shoe."

[thedrifter]

After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence.

So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.

Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

[thedrifter]

A young woman says to her doctor, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee' thinks that I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"Medically, not really," the doctor replies. "Try this: On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When your husband enters you, snap the rubber band and tell your husband it's your cherry popping."

On the wedding night, the new bride undresses in the bathroom and slips the rubber band around her thigh. She and her husband begin to make love. As her husband enters her she snaps the rubber band right on cue.

"What the hell was that?" the husband asks.

"That was my cherry snapping," the bride says.

"Well, snap it again," her husband yells. "It's got my balls."

[Kegler300]

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington. D.C. this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital.

However, there was no problem in finding enough asses to fill the stable. :D

[thedrifter]

QUEEN ELIZABETH AND DOLLY PARTON



Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both

go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel

must decide which of them gets in.



The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she

should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look

at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm

sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for

eternity."



The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The

Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of

her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.



The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."



Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's

own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act

of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"



"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush

beats two of a kind."

[thedrifter]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck, Tech Support

[thedrifter]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

[lakers]

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, Are you the people that broke the window?
Uh yeah, we're very sorry about that, the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name" the genie said.
"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both thirty-five," she responded breathlessly.
"No ****! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

__________________

[lakers]

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time.

She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- the best sex he'd ever had! He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.

He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

[thedrifter]

http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2002/11/cartoon13.jpg

[lakers]

The young 2nd Lieutenant approached the crusty old MSG and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, Lieutenant, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a 1st lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yes, Master Sergeant" replies the lieutenant, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"

The Master Sergeant explains, "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."

__________________

[chado]

Back in the old west, a cowboy and his virgin bride are going on their honeymoon. While they're on the trail, they come upon a cow and a bull going at it. The bride asks her husband, "What are they doing!!???" Her husband replies, "Well, they're ropin!!"

A few minutes later, they come upon two horses going at it. The bride asks her husband the same question and he gives her the same response.

When they finally get to their hotel room and the cowboy gets undressed, his wife looks down at his manhood and asks, "What is that thing?" He responds, "Well baby, that's my rope!" She asks, "Well then what are those things?" He responds, "Well those are my knots!"

So after a few minutes of sex, his wife exclaims "STOP, STOP, STOP!!!" He asks her, "What's wrong, am I hurting you?" She responds, "No, untie those knots, I need some more rope!"

[thedrifter]

Busted:

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father
into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his
mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, especially when one of the animals came racing
home at 30 to 1!"

[thedrifter]

One afternoon, a Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves and both of their barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a *****house!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."

[NamNuts]

You know you are trailer trash when:

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12 yrs old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Someone in your family died right after saying: "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. You wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20.Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

[thedrifter]

from gylancaster

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals
on
> > display.
> > While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the
local Air
> > Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114
monkey,
> > please."
> >
> > The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took
out a
> > monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it
the
> >Gunny,
> > saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Gunny paid and left with the
monkey.
> >
> > Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That
was a
> >very
> > expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why did
> > that one cost so much?"
> >
> > The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig
aircraft
> > flight
> > controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PFT, set up a perimeter
defense
> > and perform the duties of ASDO with no mistakes. It's well worth
the
> > money."
> >
> > The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even
more
> > expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"
> > "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can
instruct
at
> > all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the O, I and
Depot
> > level,
> > and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed,"
> >replied
> > the
> > shopkeeper.
> >
> > The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third
monkey in
a
> > cage.The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist
exclaimed,
> >"That
> > one costs more than all the others put together! What in the
world
> >could
> > it
> > do?"
> >
> > "Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer
and
play
> > with his dick, but his papers say he's a fighter pilot.
> >
> >

[Barrio_rat]

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.

The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

[Barrio_rat]

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply:

"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was:

"Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

[Barrio_rat]

Winter Weather Forecast

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

[Barrio_rat]

Contractor

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.

Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room and she says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, writes it down on his pad of paper, then leans out the window once more and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP".

The woman is even more perplexed, but still lets it slide. They then wander into the b! edroom. "In here, I'd like a restful, peaceful blue." The contractor nods again, writes it down on his pad of paper, and goes to the window and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP."

This is just too much. The woman has to ask. So she says to him "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, then yell out the window "GREEN SIDE UP". What on earth does that mean?

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

[thedrifter]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[thedrifter]

Once, a young woman married a very wealthy man. They were quite happy, but after ten years he passed away, leaving her a very wealthy widow.

Still being young, she met an actor and they married. She saw many Broadway shows that he starred in, and they traveled a great deal. But after they had been married about 10 years, he too passed away. This was the second husband that she had to bury.

Still being a young woman of about 40, she began going to church. She met the new pastor, and they fell in love and married. Unfortunately after a few years, he too passed away. This was the third husband she'd had to bury.

Still being a desirable woman, she met a wonderful man who was a mortician. After they had been married about five years, she took ill and passed away.

Some people say that she married: 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to GO.

[thedrifter]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and asks, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget.

The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

Little Johnny replied, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021117.gif

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021117.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021117.gif

[Barrio_rat]

A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of in it so it was decided to use cactus plants. The students planted the cactus seeds in the planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home.

[Kegler300]

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[Kegler300]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...it's about time you became informed!

> {A} - Almost Boobs
> {B} - Barely there
> {C} - Can't Complain!
> {D} - Damn!
> {DD} - Double damn!
> {E} - Enormous!
> {F} - Fake

[fishon]

Keg. U couldnt have said it better.

Semper Fi.. Fishon

[thedrifter]

sent by gylancaster

The Old Geezer Test
> > > 1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
> > > a. On the floor shift knob
> > > b. On the floor, left of the clutch
> > > c. Next to the horn
> > >
> > > 2. After drinking the beverage, some people punched holes in he
> > bottle cap
> > > of a Royal Crown Cola bottle. For what purpose was it used?
> > > a. Capture lightning bugs.
> > > b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
> > > c. Large salt shaker
> > >
> > > 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
> > > a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
> > > b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
> > > c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze,
> > expanding
> > > and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
> > >
> > > 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
> > > a. Blackjack
> > > b. Gin
> > > c. Craps
> > >
> > > 5. What method did women adopt to look as if they were wearing
> > stockings
> > > when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?
> > > a. Suntan
> > > b. Leg painting
> > > c. Wearing slacks
> > >
> > > 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you
> > couldn't
> > > tell whether it was coming or going?
> > > a. Studebaker
> > > b. Nash Metro
> > > c. Tucker
> > >
> > > 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
> > > a. Strips of dried peanut butter
> > > b. Chocolate-licorice bars
> > > c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
> > >
> > > 8. For what purpose was Butch Wax used?
> > > a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
> > > b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
> > > c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
> > >
> > > 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates
> > attached to
> > > your shoes?
> > > a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
> > > b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
> > > c. Long pieces of string or twine
> > >
> > > 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a
decision?
> > > a. Consider all the facts
> > > b. Ask Mom
> > > c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
> > >
> > > 11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite
sex?
> > > a. A cold
> > > b. VD
> > > c. Cooties
> > >
> > > 12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"
> > > a. SUV
> > > b. Taxi
> > > c. Streetcar
> > >
> > > 13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
> > > a. Old Blue
> > > b. Paint
> > > c. Macaroni
> > >
> > > 14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
> > > a. Part of the game of hide and seek
> > > b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
> > > c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in
an A
> > bomb
> > > drill
> > >
> > > 15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody
> > show?
> > > a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
> > > b. Princess Sacajewea
> > > c. Princess Moonshadow
> > >
> > > 16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests
> > were
> > > handed out in school?
> > > a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to
get
> > you
> > > "high"
> > > b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the
window
> > > c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure
> > >
> > > 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with
> > purchases?
> > > a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted
like
> > bubble
> > > gum
> > > b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various
> > household
> > > items
> > > c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos
> > >
> > > 18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"
> > > a. Meatballs
> > > b. Dames
> > > c. Ammunition
> > >
> > > 19. What was the name of the group who made the song "Cabdriver"
a
> > hit?
> > > a. The Ink Spots
> > > b. The Supremes
> > > c. The Esquires
> > >
> > > 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
> > > a. Tony Bennett
> > > b. Xavier Cougat
> > > c. George Gershwin
> > > -------------------------------------------------
> > > ANSWERS
> > > 1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in
> > Europe,
> > > took till the '60s to catch on.
> > > 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
> > > 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping
the
> > bottle
> > > top.
> > > 4. a) Blackjack Gum.
> > > 5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down
the
> > back of
> > > the leg with eyebrow pencil.
> > > 6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
> > > 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
> > > 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
> > > 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a
> > shoestring
> > > around your neck.
> > > 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
> > > 11. c) Cooties.
> > > 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
> > > 13. c) Macaroni.
> > > 14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms
in
> > an
> > > A-bomb drill.
> > > 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
> > > 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."
> > > 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for
> > household items
> > > at the Green Stamp store.
> > > 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
> > > 19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.
> > > 20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.
> > > ---------------------------------------
> > > SCORING
> > > 17 - 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously
> > gifted with
> > > mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
> > > 12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely
> > muddy.
> > > 0 - 11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer
> > >
> > > I qualified as older than dirt.....
> > >
> > > --
> > > . _ __________=__
> > > . \\@([____]______()
> > > . _/\|-[____]
> > > . / /(( ) dscott@ruraltel.net
> > > ./____|'----'
> > > .\____/ Go Ahead... Make my Day!! (send me Email)
> > >
> > >
> > >

[thedrifter]

sent by gylancaster


Getting Old


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE - I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

FOUR - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

FIVE - All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

SIX - If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT - Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

NINE - I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

TEN - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

TWELVE - It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.

FIFTEEN - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?

SIXTEEN - It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here
after.

NINETEEN - I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR
NOT

[thedrifter]

Patton And St.Peter





Most of you know that Patton was a well known Army General. What you may not know is that Patton hated Marines. As a matter of fact, he hated Marines so
much that whe he died and went to Heaven, he had only one request of St. Peter before entering: "St. Peter" said Patton "I am very happy to have made it to heaven, but before I come in you must tell me if there are any Marines in Heaven. I'm sick of them. They were always outdoing my Army troops and making us look bad. They always got all the credit as the best fighting force on earth. Now
I want to spend eternity in peace, without Marines!" St. Peter chuckled slightly and said, "Patton, you don't have to worry about that. Marines are too wild and crazy for Heaven. We can't have them here, they make too much noise and cause a lot of trouble." With that, Patton gave a sigh of relief and went on in to Heaven. He decided to take a tour around to see his new eternal home. Patton saw all the wonderous beauties and was smiling and whistling. Then he turned the corner onto Main Street and he saw it.. He became furious and went running back to the gates of Heaven. "St. Peter!" cried Patton "You promised me there were no Marines in Heaven, but I was just on Main Street and I saw a Marine standing tall and proud in his Dress Blues and shiny shoes. Right there in front of my own eyes!" St. Peter chuckled to himself and said, "Patton, calm down, that's not a Marine, I told you we can't have them in Heaven. That's God, he just
thinks he's a Marine."

[Barrio_rat]

For the kids who think going to jail/prison is cool, this should wake 'em up!

[Kegler300]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin,
Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course,
ibepokin.

[NamNuts]

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the
first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill Clinton. He looked back and stared at the agent, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders.

Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her
pants, and dropped her right over the wall into the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild.

They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and
smiling, when the agent leans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

[Barrio_rat]

More than 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

And,

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

[thedrifter]

Playboy Graffiti

- So long as a woman has curves, he has angles.

- He can take one look at a girl and tell what kind of a past she is going to have.

- If a girl has the time, he has the place.

- In his opinion, there is nothing like good music, good wine, a good meal and a bad girl.

- He starts with orchids and ends with forget me notes.

- He believes a woman's best measurement is thirty-sex / twenty-sex / thirty-sex.

- He's very broad minded; in fact that's all he thinks about.

- Give him an inch and he takes the whole 36-24-36.

- All he asks of a woman are two keys, one to her heart and the other to her apartment.

- Life for him is just one continuous round of dame foolishness.

[thedrifter]

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Q: How are women and the lottery alike?
A: You pay to play, and then you pray that you might get lucky!

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.

Q: What is a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.

[thedrifter]

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. "Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[thedrifter]

As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair-raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabby. "You've got six kids and you've got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was telling his friend at a bar of a hotel they were staying at, "You know, I had a woman beating on my door 'til 5am last night!"

"Oh," said his friend, "what did you do at 5am, then?"

The guy sighed and replied, "Well, I let her out."

[thedrifter]

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.

He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

[thedrifter]

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton computer model coming out soon. It will have a six-inch hard drive, but no memory.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most people worry about getting AIDS from SEX. Bill Clinton worries about getting SEX from AIDES!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy some condoms."

The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?"

"No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A reporter asked Clinton one day: "Was Monica lying?"

Clinton responded by saying, "No. She was on her knees."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton's team of advisors have offered another possible defense: Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition!

He told her to lie in THIS position.

[thedrifter]

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?"

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

[thedrifter]

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while.

I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like, "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty, naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, now would you?"

It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[thedrifter]

The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children's group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat.

She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk "young" learning all the buzz words and hip sayings.

One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, "If anyone want secs, just let me know. I'll be in the kitchen getting it ready." . . .

[thedrifter]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Wally, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Wally walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Wally had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Wally.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Wally. "But, this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[thedrifter]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," she replied.

"Was it when they cut off your balls?" asked the guys.

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," said the girl.

"What was the most painful part?" the guys asked.

She answered, "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[Art Petersn]

BE THE BEST THAT YOU CAN BE




Dear Ma and Pa:



Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.



Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it is not bad, they git warm water.



Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you till noon, when you get fed again.



It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on “route marches�, which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks.



The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Colonels and Generals just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep gettin medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.



Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,



Gail



P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. Them city boys shoot craps, but not very good

[JinxJr]

Gone Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any Sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a Salesman back in Texas."

Well, the Boss liked the kid so much, he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close to see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the Boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says. "One."

The Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20-30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64"

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What in the Hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold this guy a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a large fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that new twin-engine ChrisCraft. He said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to the Automotive Department and sold him that 4x4 Chevy Blazer."

The Boss said, "Let me get this straight...A guy came in here to buy a FISH HOOK and you sold him a boat and a truck?."

Kid says, "Nope, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, looks like your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishing!' "

[fishon]

Jinx as a avid fisherman I couldn`t stop laughing and almost Peed my Pants while reading it. I have to tell my Brother about it as we fish together all the time.
Semper Fi Fishon

[ladileathrnek]

To Take Charge Of This Post...


> A few years back one of the new Marines at the Barracks at Yorktown, VA was standing post at the main gate of the Naval Weapons Station. The policy was to check 100% of ID cards including military in uniform. A Navy sedan drove up to the gate with a young seaman at the wheel and a rear admiral sitting in the back. The young PFC signaled for the car to stop, approached the driver, and asked to see both ID cards. The admiral told the Marine that he was on his way to meet with the station CO and didn't have time for such nonsense....
Admiral to driver: "Go ahead."
PFC to driver: "Don't do that."
Admiral to driver: "You heard me. Drive on."
PFC to Admiral as he draws his .45:
"Sir, this is my first time on post. Do I shoot you or your driver?"

[NamNuts]

Oops...A Phone Call

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover
watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the
conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad
that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with
you."

[fabboss]

Here's some proverbs.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But... Out of sight, out of mind.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. But... It's never to late to learn.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But... Turnabout is fair play.

He who hesitates is lost. But... Haste makes waste. (Or Look before you leap.)

You can't judge a book by its cover. But... What you see is what you get.

Birds of a feather flock together. But... Opposites attract.

Ask no questions and hear no lies. But... Ask and you shall receive.

Variety is the spice of life. But... Don't change horses in midstream.

The pen is mightier than the sword. But... Actions speak louder than words.

Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. But... Forewarned is forearmed.

Silence is golden. But... The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Clothes make the man. But... You can't judge a book by its cover.

The best things come in small packages. But... The bigger the better.

A miss is as good as a mile. But... Half a loaf is better than none.

An old fox is not easily snared. But... There's no fool like an old fool.

Practice makes perfect. But... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. But... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But... A man's reach should exceed his grasp.

There's safety in numbers. But... Better to be alone than in bad company.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But... Don't beat a dead horse.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. But... Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Know Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease...

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

TRY TO HAVE A UTTERLY SPECTACULAR DAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since
they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book.
The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the ****."

[fabboss]

Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a
few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."


:banana:

[fabboss]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds..
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed p people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[Darwins Greed]

I always thought it was: "Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an Airplane."

[JinxJr]

Paratrooper !!!

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers, went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and, finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day he phoned his Father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" his Father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the Father. "Ummm, not yet. Then the Sergeant started grabbing men one at a time and threw them out of the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the Father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else jumped and I was the last one left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my ass!". "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed the doorframe and refused to let go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this GREAT BIG guy, about 6'5" and 275 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No Sir, I'm too scared!' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his manhood out. I swear, it had to be ten inches long...LIMP! He said 'Boy, either you jump outta that door or I'm gonna plug you with this!' " "So, did you jump then?" asked the Father.
"Well...a little... at first!"

[JinxJr]

Lucky in Love


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What Dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the F*** AWAY FROM ME !!!"

[thedrifter]

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

And:
1 time, I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

[thedrifter]

To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

The Facts of Life

1. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

2. Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

3. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.

4. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.

5. Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

6. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

8. She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it.

9. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

10. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

[thedrifter]

One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.

First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."

Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."

First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."

Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

[thedrifter]

One day a fellow was talking to his buddy, when he remarked, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

The first fellow replied, "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[thedrifter]

Recently, an unfortunate lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade. Her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, and circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip. And there were still five shaves left!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

[thedrifter]

The Facts of Life

1. The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.

2. Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.

3. Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.

4. For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.

5. Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

6. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

8. She is the kind of girl who does not care for a man's company unless he owns it.

9. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

10. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

[thedrifter]

Common Wedding Questions and Answers

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: NOT if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post."

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is the definition of a Shotgun wedding?
A: A case of wife or death.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.

First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."

Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."

First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."

Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."

[thedrifter]

Translated Male Vocabulary - Part I

"Can I help with dinner?"
Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Translation: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Translation: The batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
Translation: Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

"Take a break, honey. You're working too hard."
Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

'That's interesting, dear."
Translation: Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Translation: I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much from me."
Translation: You want me to stay awake?

"That's women's work."
Translation: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.

"You know how bad my memory is."
Translation: I remember the theme song to "Rocky V," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself; it's no big deal."
Translation: I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

[thedrifter]

Two older Jewish ladies, Sophie and Fran, were shopping one afternoon, and Sophie says to Fran, "Wish me good luck. My son finally met a girl and maybe they will get married - But the only thing my son said is that she has Herpes. What is Herpes?"

Fran says, "I don't know, but I have a medical dictionary at home and I will go home and look it up for you."

The next day the ladies again meet, and Fran says to her friend, "Sophie it's okay. You don't have to worry. It's a disease of the gentiles!"

[thedrifter]

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must be blue."

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So I switched the heads."

[Kegler300]

A Turkish diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, pizza, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then one time he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but a man is sitting on the well!"

[slushy08]

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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want
the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while
the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty,
explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say
good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long", he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

----------------------------------

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me
to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

----------------------------------


The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara,
toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said,

"Does this look natural?"

----------------------------------


Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/6561.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3435.jpg

[thedrifter]

OUCH!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3311.jpg

[thedrifter]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child," the doctor explained.

"But that's impossible!" replied the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

[thedrifter]

Bill went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said, "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

[thedrifter]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," she replied.

"Was it when they cut off your balls?" asked the guys.

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," said the girl.

"What was the most painful part?" the guys asked.

She answered, "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[thedrifter]

The finals of last year's National Poetry Contest came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M. A self-proclaimed die-hard Aggie. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' we went.
Met three *****s with a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3296.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3291.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/picturejokes/3286.jpg

[thedrifter]

Bob and Brownie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by," the boy continued.

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

His Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

[thedrifter]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods, when out pops Thumper, the bunny. He says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you better be careful. The big bad wolf is out here. He will pull down up your skirt, pull down your panties, and he's gonna boink you."

Little Red Riding Hood says, "You're very kind to worry, but I will be just fine, thanks anyway."

She continues walking deeper into the woods when Bambi jumps out at her. Bambi says, "Oh little Red Riding Hood, you better be careful. The big bad wolf is out here, he will pull up your skirt, pull down your panties, and he will boink you."

She says, "Well Bambi, thank you, but I will be just fine." And off she walks.

After a little while, the big bad wolf jumps out and says, "Oh, Little Red Riding Hood, I am gonna pull up your skirt, pull down your panties, and I'm gonna boink you."

Little Red Riding Hood pulls out a gun, levels it down at the wolf, and exclaims, "Oh no you're not! You're gonna eat me just like the book says!"

[thedrifter]

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man.

Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.

They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

[thedrifter]

One sunny afternoon, two guys on the beach, trying their best to impress the babes.

First dude: "I'm not having much luck with the women here, pal."

Second dude: "Try putting a potato down in your swim trunks. The babes will love that."

First dude, three or four hours later: "Hey man. I tried that potato trick you told me about and it seems like I'm getting shunned even worse than before."

Second dude: Looking him over: "Uh ... Try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks, Dude."

[Barrio_rat]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Rob Parry]

The seven dwarfs were in Rome to pay a visit to the Pope. When the Pope appeared Dopey said, "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
The Pope replied, "No Dopey, no dwarf nuns in the Vatican".
"Well your Holiness" Dopey said, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome"?
"No Dopey" the Pope said "There are no dwarf nuns in Rome".
"Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world"? Dopey asked.
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in the world" the Pope answered, "What's all this interest in dwarf nuns"?
Dopey looked over to where the other dwarves stood giggling and chanting; "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin"

[thedrifter]

Welcome to Auntie M's Classic Jokes.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The finals of last year's National Poetry Contest came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M. A self-proclaimed die-hard Aggie. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' we went.
Met three *****s with a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[thedrifter]

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you do

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: You flirt with a gorgeous woman at a party
Bad: Your wife notices
Ugly: You're married to Lorena Bobbitt

Good: You talk your wife into taking a Viagra pill.
Bad: She gets it stuck in her throat.
Ugly: She misses three days of work because of a stiff neck.

Good: A beautiful redhead at a party drags you into a closet.
Bad: You discover just a moment too late, she has the same equipment as you.
Ugly: Hers is larger than yours.

Good: Your 22-year-old daughter got a new job.
Bad: It's at the White House.
Ugly: She will be working for the President Clinton.

[thedrifter]

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the right answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it. "It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture. Rump - titty - rump - titty - rump - rump - rump."

[thedrifter]

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

Mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play.

Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with wieners a lot bigger than daddy's."

Mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play.

Several minutes later the boy run back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got."

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911208.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmbro/2002/tmbro021208.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021208.gif

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/fb/2002/fb021208.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmfba/2002/tmfba021208.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021208.gif

[fabboss]

T'was Cheistmas Eve abd Santa driooed down in to a luxurios condo while he was puting the presents under the tree he heard a noise and turned around. There stood a vision of delight a long haired brunette standing there in her nigtie and robe. She looks at santa and asks, "Does Santa want to stay and play awhile?" To which Santa replied " HO HO HO Sants's got to go little children thier presents to give you know." Droppiing the robe to the floor she said, "Does Santa really have to go?" To which Snata replied, "HO HO HO Santa's must go little children their presents to give you know." Dropping the nitie to the floor she said, "Is Snta sure he has to go and can't stay and play awhile?" To which Santa replied, "HEE HEE HEE, Snata's got to stay. Can't get up the chiminy with my tallywacker this way!"

[thedrifter]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods, when out pops Thumper, the bunny. He says, "Little Red Riding Hood, you better be careful. The big bad wolf is out here. He will pull down up your skirt, pull down your panties, and he's gonna boink you."

Little Red Riding Hood says, "You're very kind to worry, but I will be just fine, thanks anyway."

She continues walking deeper into the woods when Bambi jumps out at her. Bambi says, "Oh little Red Riding Hood, you better be careful. The big bad wolf is out here, he will pull up your skirt, pull down your panties, and he will boink you."

She says, "Well Bambi, thank you, but I will be just fine." And off she walks.

After a little while, the big bad wolf jumps out and says, "Oh, Little Red Riding Hood, I am gonna pull up your skirt, pull down your panties, and I'm gonna boink you."

Little Red Riding Hood pulls out a gun, levels it down at the wolf, and exclaims, "Oh no you're not! You're gonna eat me just like the book says!"

[thedrifter]

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possible be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "Sure, I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say, '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But, be warned - It will not work again for another year."

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "1-2-3," and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

[thedrifter]

The old professor visited his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seemed fine. The doctor proceeded to ask him about his sex life.

"Well," the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old!"

"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor commented. "I hope you at least took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, Doc. I gave 'em all a phony name and phone number."

[thedrifter]

An escaped convict broke into a house on a dark street, and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

[thedrifter]

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.
>
>He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
>
>Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
>
>I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
>
>
>I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
>
>Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
>
>The old lady *****es because I work late at night...
>
>The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
>
>
>Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
>
>Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
>
>And just when I thought that things would get better,
>
>Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter.
>
>
>They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
>
>Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
>
>And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
>
>They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.
>
>
>I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
>
>Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
>
>I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
>
>They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
>
>
>Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
>
>Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
>
>I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
>
>I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
>
>
>There's no Christmas this year...
>
>Now you know the reason...
>
>I found me a blonde.
>
>I'm going SOUTH for the season!

[Kegler300]

Three Marines end up in Heaven just before Christmas. St. Peter tells them that because of the holiday Heaven is overcrowded and he doesn't know if they will be able to gain entry. "The only way you can get in today," says St. Pete, "is to show me something associated with Christmas.

The first Marine reaches into his pocket and pulls a Zippo lighter. He lights it and holds it aloft. He says, "This represents the “eternal flame." In he goes.

The second Marine fumbles around his pockets until he pulls out his car keys and John Wayne opener. Shaking them, he says, "These are “Christmas chimes." In he goes.

The third Marine, reaches into all of his pockets until he finally pulls out a pair of panties. He holds them up and says to St. Peter:

"Carol's"
:banana:

[thedrifter]

If Santa answered his mail honestly
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Santa
>>
>>I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
>>yeer yer
>>
>>Frend,
>>
>>BiLLy
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Billy,
>>
>>Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
>>about I send
>>
>>
>>you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
>>your
>>
>>older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>>I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
>>
>>is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
>>
>>Love,
>>
>>Sarah
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Sarah,
>>
>>Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>>I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
>>
>>my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
>>do?
>>
>>Love,
>>
>>Teddy
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Teddy,
>>
>>Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
>>hurricane.
>>
>>Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
>>
>>mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
>>Let me
>>get
>>
>>you some nice Legos instead.
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>> I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
>>
>>dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
>>
>>Love,
>>
>>Francis
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Francis,
>>
>>Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
>>you up
>>with a Barbie.
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>>I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
>>
>>carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
>>
>>Love,
>>
>>Susan
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Susan,
>>
>>Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
>>when
>>
>>riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
>>of
>>scotch.
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>> What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
>>making toys?
>>
>>Your friend,
>>
>>Thomas
>>
>>
>>
>>Dear Thomas,
>>
>>All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
>>
>>spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
>>drinking
>>
>>myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
>>losing
>>
>>money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>>Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
>>
>>awake, like in the song?
>>
>>Love,
>>
>>Jessica
>>
>>
>>
>> Dear Jessica,
>>
>>Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
>>
>>skipping your house.
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dear Santa,
>>
>>I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
>>
>>PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
>>
>>Timmy
>>
>>
>> Timmy,
>>
>>That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
>>
>>doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
>>
>>Santa
>>
>>_____
>>
>>Dearest Santa,
>>
>>We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
>>
>>Love,
>>
>>Marky
>>
>>
>> Mark,
>>
>>First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
>>
>>your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you
>>live
>>
>>in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
>>like the
>>
>>boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
>> Sweet Dreams,
>>
>>Santa

[Art Petersn]

13 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22'

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed
and
let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without
having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on
the trigger."

[Earle Comstock]

O k This is a sick one , but damn it , I thought it was funny . Maybe I'm twisted. You that can't handle the truth , turn yer head and cough . Those that can read on , this isn't meant to insult any one. This kid goes to school to become a mortician. After graduation he goes out looking for a job. So he goes to a funeral home to apply. The old guy answers the door , the kid tells him that he's just graduated and hes looking for a job . The old man tells the kid that he's been doing his business for over 30 years and he sure could use a break. Tells the kid "you know what , I got this body downstairs , you go down and start on it , If your any good I'll hire you." " If you run into any problems come let me know , and we'll work it out, if we can." So the kid goes downstairs and does his thing. 45 minutes later he comes upstairs and stares at the old man for a minute. When the old man says " Is there a problem?". The kid says "we'll sort of". Well what is it , asked the old man . Well the kid says , theres a pickle stuffed in this womans vagina. The old man says , what . You know I've been doing this for over 30 years and I've never seen anything like that. I gotta go check this out. So the old man goes down to have a look . The old man says thats not a pickle , thats an extremely enlarged clitoris . The kid says , "oh , well it tasted like a pickle. Ok , ok , so its a little disgusting , but I bet some of you laughed. Cpl Commie , Kill a commie for mommy ! Semper Fi

[Barrio_rat]

What Hallmark Doesn't Print

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you...
I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!

[Barrio_rat]

News from Santa.....

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Southern Missouri and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, which happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a Coke cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Martin, on Gordon, on Andretti and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Merry Christmas to all.................

[thedrifter]

> A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
> bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar,
> order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order
over and
> sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are
filled
> and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon,
> three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows.
> "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their
> voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
> Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks
> over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up
> jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
> high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The
> bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the
> table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw
> puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks
one of
> the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The
blonde
> who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are
> dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record
straight.
> Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. "The
side
> of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
>
> _____________________

[thedrifter]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would
you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would
you
ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I
was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right
then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[thedrifter]

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the right answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it. "It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture. Rump - titty - rump - titty - rump - rump - rump."

[thedrifter]

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

Mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play.

Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with wieners a lot bigger than daddy's."

Mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play.

Several minutes later the boy run back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got."

[thedrifter]

The old professor visited his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seemed fine. The doctor proceeded to ask him about his sex life.

"Well," the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old!"

"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor commented. "I hope you at least took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, Doc. I gave 'em all a phony name and phone number."

[thedrifter]

An escaped convict broke into a house on a dark street, and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

[thedrifter]

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eight hours of sleep per night.

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be alright for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

[thedrifter]

There is an old hillbilly people a sittin' on their porch; just a rockin' away. It's their anniversary, and they've been married 60 years. There are just a sittin' and a rockin'.

Suddenly, the old lady looks over at the old man and hits him so hard that she knocks him clean out of his rocker, and he falls on the porch.

He pulls himself up and clambers back into the rocker and asks, "What the heck was THAT for?"

"That's for 60 years of lousy sex!" she replies.

So they sit there for a time longer, not sayin' anything, just a rockin'.

Suddenly the old man looks over at his old wife, and gives her a shove so hard it knocks her right out of her rocker.

She shakes herself off, and scrambles into her rocker again, and says, "What the heck was THAT for?"

And he replies, "That's for knowin' the difference!"

[thedrifter]

DETERIORATING MILITARY.....REALLY SAD...


I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and
watched as our government underwent a peaceful
transition of power a year ago last January.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as
I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.


However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later
watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One
for the last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles,
fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had
deteriorated under Clinton. Every last one of them missed.

[thedrifter]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/db/2002/db021212.gif


http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1991/ch911212.gif



http://images.ucomics.com/comics/zi/2002/zi021212.gif

[NamNuts]

Hmmm

[thedrifter]

One day some Marines from nearby Cherry Point
Air Station saw a boy leading a donkey along
the base perimeter.

They thought they would have some fun with him.

"Hey, boy," called out one of the Marines.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your
brother, aren't you?"

"Sure am," said the boy. "If I didn't he would
probably join the damn Marines."

[thedrifter]

“HOOOAAH VS OOORAH” JOKE...........................................

Rivalries between the services are legendary, of
course, but the soldiers of the Army and the
Marines do have one thing in common: They both make
funny noises. Which is endearing, because most of
what they do for a living isn’t the least bit funny.

We were at dinner and a General was holding forth on
the challenges facing the Army in the post-Cold War
World, when from the back of the room came this
grunting, coughing sound as if someone was struggling
with a belch or was about to hurl “Hoooahh”. One too
many toddies before dinner, I assumed. Then it happened
again. Another guy. “Hoooahh”. Then another. And another.
I soon learned this is the Army’s equivalent of shouting
“Amen, brother!” in church. Depending on how you say it,
“Hoooahh” means “right on”. Or it means “damned shame,
ain’t it.” For all I know, it can also mean “pass the
ketchup.” It can mean anything but “NO!!”

Marines, likewise, do the same thing. Only theirs is
“Ooorah.” “Men we’re going on a 20-mile run.” “Ooorah.”
“Then, we’re going to do 500 pushups.” “Ooorah.”
“Afterwards, I’m buying the beer.” “Ooorah!”

Since the Air Force was the next stop on our tour,
I asked an Air Force Major If members of his service
were into this kind of noise-making. You guys have
something you say? I asked. Sure, he replied. “Fore.”

[thedrifter]

OSAMA Got Run Over By A REINDEER


http://fungoround.com/funpages/xmasosama/index.php

[thedrifter]

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup, too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God." he whispered loudly. "It's my wife! Quick - Take all of your clothes off!"

[thedrifter]

Recently, an elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things." replied the artist.

"I know," the woman said. "It's just in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for all of that jewelry."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

[thedrifter]

One of the funniest "most embarrassing moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check on lane thirteen: Tampax, supersize."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

[thedrifter]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed that his grandfather was sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[thedrifter]

A Marine Corporal entered a public restroom to use the urinal
and found an Army PFC also engaged thus. The PFC broke off
first and went to wash his hands. The marine finished in due
time and securing all entrances and exits, made for the door.
The PFC noticed that he neglected to wash his hands and
remarked casually about it.
"You know," the PFC said, "In the Army they teach us that
we should wash our hands after we use the restroom."
"Well you know," said the Marine, "In the Marine Corps they
just teach us not to pee on our hands."

[thedrifter]

FUNNY HOW A BROTHA JUST WON'T DO RIGHT
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: "I am
Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The
Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes
to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his
door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the Barber
replies: "I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service." The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the
Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen Donuts
waiting at his door.
A Brotha goes for a haircut and he too goes to pay the Barber and the Barber
replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you: "I am doing a Community
Service." The Brotha is, of course, very happy and leaves the shop. Well
now, the next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what HE
finds there?????????????
(you know it)
A DOZEN BROTHAS WAITING FOR A FREE HAIRCUT..........
STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!

[thedrifter]

A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital,
said, "Hello,
> darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives
the information
> regarding your patients. I want to know if the
patient is getting
> better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.
> The voice on the other end of the line said, "What
is the patient's
> name and room number?"
> She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room
302."
> He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had
> two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her
blood work just came
> back as normal, she's going to be taken off the
heart monitor in a
> couple of hours and if she continues this
improvement, Dr. Cohen is
> going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."
> The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh!
that's fantastic,
> darling!... That's wonderful news!"
> The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I
take it you must
> be a close family member or a very close friend!
> She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor
doesn't tell me ****!

[thedrifter]

A pregnant woman walked into the doctor's office to have an ultrasound.
The doctor told her she would be having a baby girl. He then asked her what she would name the baby.
The woman promptly answered, "Shenequa." He asked her, "Do you have any other children?"
She said, "I have 5 daughters and their names are also Shenequa."
At this point the doctor said, "How do you call them home for dinner?"
She replied, that's easy, I just yell, "'Shenequa, supper,' and they all come home."
He then asked, "Well, what about if you are going somewhere?" She said "that's easy too. I just yell, "Shenequa let's go," and they all come running.

Still a little confused, he questioned her again, "but what if you only want to speak to one of them?" "Well, that's easy. Then I just call them by they last name."

[thedrifter]

An escaped convict broke into a house on a dark street, and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

[thedrifter]

There is an old hillbilly people a sittin' on their porch; just a rockin' away. It's their anniversary, and they've been married 60 years. There are just a sittin' and a rockin'.

Suddenly, the old lady looks over at the old man and hits him so hard that she knocks him clean out of his rocker, and he falls on the porch.

He pulls himself up and clambers back into the rocker and asks, "What the heck was THAT for?"

"That's for 60 years of lousy sex!" she replies.

So they sit there for a time longer, not sayin' anything, just a rockin'.

Suddenly the old man looks over at his old wife, and gives her a shove so hard it knocks her right out of her rocker.

She shakes herself off, and scrambles into her rocker again, and says, "What the heck was THAT for?"

And he replies, "That's for knowin' the difference!"

[thedrifter]

A Marine and a soldier die and go to heaven. God comes out and escorts them in. He walks them over to some buildings and says these will be your quarters. The soldier looks and sees a lovely little cottage with an army logo on the door, a flag with "An army of one" flying above the door. God says this one is for you, to the soldier. Then the soldier turns around and sees a huge beautiful mansion, set high on a hill. It has rows of flags with the Eagle, Globe and Anchor, lining the drive. A Huge EGA in solid gold on the door. Also several Marines forming an honor guard at the front door, In the background, he could hear the Marine Hymn being played. The soldier confronts God, and asks him, "Not that I am ungrateful, but why do I just get this little cottage, and the Marine gets a beautiful mansion?" God chuckles, and says, "You have misunderstood, son, That's not for the Marine, that's my place"

[Art Petersn]

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat
beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered
nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate
in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not
bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank
God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok,
I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

[Earle Comstock]

I go over to my buddy's house for a party. I'm there about 10 minutes when I get this bad case of gas. So I sneak 1 out and my buddy yells "Corky" , now Corky is his dog , so I think , now thats pretty cool , he thinks its the dog. About 15 minutes go by and I sneak out another 1 . My buddy says Corky , God Dammit!! Well now I'm laughing to my self and thinkin ,that poor dog. My buddy's gonna throw this dog outside because of me. Just about that time this feeling comes over me and I know this is gonna be a prize winner . Well I hold it as long as I can , but it wants OUT.So I ease it out , best I can , when my buddy screams , Corky God Dammit move before he sh*ts on ya. Semper Fi, Cpl Commie , Kill A Commie For Mommy:marine:

[Earle Comstock]

Now Im at work and I'm talking with a buddy and my buddy gets this strange look on his face. I say , whats the matter with you? He said , you sh*t your pants didn't you? I say , no I didn't , and keep on with our conversation. All of a sudden he says you lyin bastard , you sh*t your pants. Again I deny it and continue with our conversation. About 10 minutes go by and he says it again , again I denie it , but now I'm getting p*ssed. So he says , pull your pants down , I think your lying to me. So I pull them down and they are just chuck full . He says you lyin son of a b*tch , I thought you said you didn't sh*t your pants? I say , OH , I thought you meant today. Semper Fi Marines , Life isnt always as it seems. Cpl C . Kill A Commie For Mommy:devious:

[thedrifter]

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She
> >loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and
> >somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell
in
> >love.
> >When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to
herself, "He
> >is
> >such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on."
> >
> >She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her
> >car
> >broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the
country
she
> >called her husband and told him that she would be late because she
had to
> >walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the
baked
> >beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to
walk,
> >she
> >figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached
> >home.
> >So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed
three
> >large orders of baked beans.
> >
> >All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt
> >reasonably
> >sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
> >exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner
tonight."
> >
> >He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated
> >herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife,
the
> >telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until
he
> >returned.
> >
> >He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had
consumed
were
> >still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so
> >while
> >her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted
her
> >weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it
smelled
> >like
> >a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She
took
> >her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she
shifted to
> >the
> >other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked
cabbage.
> >Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she
went on
> >like this for another ten minutes.
> >
> >When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she
fanned
> >the
> >air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and
folded her
> >hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture
of
> >innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long,
he
> >asked
> >her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this
point,
he
> >removed the blindfold, and she was surprised! There were twelve
dinner
> >guests
> >seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday."
> >
>

[thedrifter]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed that his grandfather was sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[thedrifter]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

[thedrifter]

guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Boris home?" asked Ned. "No, he went to the store." replied the wife.

"Well, you mind if I wait?" asked Ned. "No, come in." responded the wife.

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Ned says, "They are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Ned came over." Boris thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[Art Petersn]

A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they
are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4
to 5
inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered
side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes
out and moves her car again.The next week they are having breakfast
again,
when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of
snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Jay says, "Why
don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

[thedrifter]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

[thedrifter]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Boris home?" asked Ned. "No, he went to the store." replied the wife.

"Well, you mind if I wait?" asked Ned. "No, come in." responded the wife.

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Ned says, "They are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Ned came over." Boris thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

[Kegler300]

>A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
>house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to
>see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft
>music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
>
>"What are you doing?" she asked.
>
>"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
>daughter-in-law answered.
>
>"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>
>"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
>
>"Love dress? But you're naked!"
>
>"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
>excites him to no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress, he
>instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
>
>The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
>put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,and
>laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband
>came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
>"What are you doing?" he asked.
>
>"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
>
>Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[thedrifter]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ, and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[Kegler300]

http://home2.picturestage.com/sessions/8321032047/896392lg.jpg

[Kegler300]

Who do you think has a better chance to be around in January? Saddam Hussein or Trent Lott?

More information came out today for Trent Lott’s segregationist past. It seems 40 years ago, at Old Miss, he led the battle to keep blacks out of his fraternity – Phi Beta Cracker.

Lott is still a member of an all-white fraternity. It’s called the U.S. Senate!

In a minor setback today for the U.N. inspectors. They had to wait two hours to go outside a locked door. And the Iraqi officials: "We’re wrapping presents, don’t come in here! Hang on!"

Cardinal Bernard Law has resigned. He said he was doing it for the kids.

Yesterday in court, Nick Nolte pleaded "no contest” to drug charges. Well, sure, compared to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, that is no contest! You can’t compete with them! They’re professionals!

Marvel Comics introduced the first openly gay comic book character. It’s called The Rawhide Kid. He has a lesbian cowgirl friend by the name of Big Butch Cassidy.

According to the new Playboy magazine office survey, two out of three women say they have had sex with someone in the office. I can’t even get that toner cartridge to go in. How are they having sex?

And finally, Playboy has signed a deal to develop the first official "Playboy" video game. It’ll be used in conjunction with the Sony Play-With-Yourself station.

[thedrifter]

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eight hours of sleep per night.

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be alright for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

[thedrifter]

There is an old hillbilly people a sittin' on their porch; just a rockin' away. It's their anniversary, and they've been married 60 years. There are just a sittin' and a rockin'.

Suddenly, the old lady looks over at the old man and hits him so hard that she knocks him clean out of his rocker, and he falls on the porch.

He pulls himself up and clambers back into the rocker and asks, "What the heck was THAT for?"

"That's for 60 years of lousy sex!" she replies.

So they sit there for a time longer, not sayin' anything, just a rockin'.

Suddenly the old man looks over at his old wife, and gives her a shove so hard it knocks her right out of her rocker.

She shakes herself off, and scrambles into her rocker again, and says, "What the heck was THAT for?"

And he replies, "That's for knowin' the difference!"

[thedrifter]

Chain Letter from Outer Space:

Dear Earthling,

Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this HTML file.

As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybeliene and Rhonda were discussing the lack of men in their lives. Maybeliene commented, "Man, Rhonda. I'm dying to have sex in the worst way!"

Rhonda replied, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock, but if you've got any others . . ."

[thedrifter]

ninety-two-year-old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"

The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"

"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."

"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.

"Ninety-two," he replied.

"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!" she said.

"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you, again?"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Boris home?" asked Ned. "No, he went to the store." replied the wife.

"Well, you mind if I wait?" asked Ned. "No, come in." responded the wife.

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Ned says, "They are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Boris arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Ned came over." Boris thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"

[thedrifter]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ, and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

[thedrifter]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some ******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. But, I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just *****s and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

BLONDE MILLIONAIRE

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the
million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks!"

[thedrifter]

Emergency Brake

>

>

>

>

>

>An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

>

>"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. >"I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to

> >animals so you should have your husband check that too."

>"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

> >True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about

> > the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on

> >immediately.

> >

> >"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something

>wrong with the emergency brake."

>

[thedrifter]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some ******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. But, I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just *****s and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[thedrifter]

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[thedrifter]

Q: Why didn't Dolly Parton ever take up stage acting?
A: They all said she'd be a big bust on Broadway.

Q: What cereal does Linda Lovelace eat for breakfast?
A: Kellogg's Porn Flakes.

Q: Have you heard about the new John Wayne toilet paper?
A: It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take sh** off of anyone.

Q: What is the difference between a virgin and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't scream when you put meat in it.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[thedrifter]

Three third graders, a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay," They all agree.

The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Catholic and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book. And, during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Christopher, and Tony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies, "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[thedrifter]

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[thedrifter]

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[Barrio_rat]

Survivor Oregon Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Oregon is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor-Oregon style. The contestants will start in Roseburg, travel to Eugene, Salem, Portland, over to the coast and down to Coos Bay and on to Klamath Falls. They will then proceed up to Crater Lake and on to Diamond Lake and backtrack to Chemult. From there, they will proceed to Pendleton and over again to Portland, down I-5 to Salem and finally back to Roseburg. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads "I am gay, I am a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait sucks, Hillary in 2004, protect the spotted owl, and I am here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Roseburg alive wins.

[fabboss]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, " O my God. Has it come to this?? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, and 32 Baptists."

[thedrifter]

BOOTCAMP:

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW! So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat! So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

DID THAT HURT? he yells.

No, Sir! came the reply.

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

Did THAT hurt?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

Did THAT hurt?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!





WHY ?:

Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?

So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!





During Marine Corp basic training, one private was being hassled by his drill instructor.

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Corp, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Marines, I'm never going to stand in line again

[thedrifter]

British Military Officer Fitness Reports The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's 206's....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

[thedrifter]

MILITARY TIME DIFFERENCES:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, What time is it?

The tower responded, Who is calling?

The aircraft replied, What difference does it make?

The tower replied It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

[thedrifter]

MARCHING RECRUITS:

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Going to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.
"Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

THE NEW RECRUIT:

The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"

THE 1st WOMAN RECRUIT:

The first woman recruit in the army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

[wrbones]

Subject: THE POTATO STORY

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes
for each other and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato
whom they called 'Yam'. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it
was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she
wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry. No Spud
would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But, on the
other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She
would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and also the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries. And, when she went out west, she was to watch
out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds or the ones from the other side of the
tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay'.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that,
when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But, in spite of all they did
for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry
Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs Potato were very upset. They told Yam she
couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he is just a...........

Are you ready for this?----









-----A Common Tater---------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[wrbones]

These are from Steven Wright, the deadpan frizzy-haired stand-up
comic-philosopher:


I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced
by exact duplicates.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
(Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the longer of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.




....this guy makes sense to me.......:D

[wrbones]

Subject: Kitchen *****

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell
off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who
are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All
passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We
thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue... "For those of
you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen...."

[Earle Comstock]

I was stationed in K-Bay , Hawaii and went home for Christmas. At this time in my life, New York was where I called home. I had a really nice Holiday, always is when you don't stay long and you know you're gonna leave to get back with your crazy buddies. Hell what did I know , I was just a kid. Anyways I took off from Rochester , New York and flew to Chicago Ohare . From Chicago ,its a 11 1/2 hr flight to Honolulu . So I'm running through Chicago Ohare , just like those old Herts commercials of that OJ guy. I make it to the gate just in the nick of time . Well when I get to the plane the stewardess tells me that they only have one seat left and its in first class. I'm not really paying attention to what she says , I'm just happy that I made this flight , and I won't be late getting back to base. So I'm sitting in my seat ,just starting to relax as we take off. The smoking lamp is lit , and the stewardess is coming around to take our drink orders. Well I said , seeing as I am headed back to Hawaii , I'll have a Mai Tai . She brings back my drink ,and as I'm reaching for my wallet she says, You dont have to pay , they are free , you are riding first class. I said , oh really , then keep them coming till I pass out. I'm just kicking back in my seat , enjoying my drink , when the Captain gets on the P.A. He says good morning , this is Captain Stubin speaking. This is flight 1A , non-stop flight from Chicago Ohare to Honolulu , Hawaii , aproximate flying time is 11 hrs. Smoking lamp is lit , feel free to walk about the plane. Hope you have an enjoyable flight , and thank you for flying with us today. He then hangs up the mike , but the button does not release and we can still hear every word he says. Well he kicks back in his seat , and he looks to the co-pilot and says , think I'll grab me the news paper , go take me a healthy sh*t , then go fvck that new stewardess. They chuckle a little , and the stewardess hears this and gets embarrassed , for herself and the pilots. So she takes off on a dead run to go up and tell the pilots to shut off the mike. On her way up , she trips and falls , I look down at her and say , why you in such a hurry honey? Didnt you hear him say he had to take a sh*t first? By the time I get off the plane , I'm sh*tfaced , now my buddies want to go party , me , I wanna pass out. Merry Christmas and A Harley New Years to All! Kill A Commie For Mommy , Semper Fi , Do Or Die , Cpl C.:rambo:

[thedrifter]

One day a gaggle of Sailors were on shore patrol when they come upon a Marine relaxing on top of a small hill. The Marine puts his hands on his hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking boat jockeys think you're man enough to take me on?"

The biggest Sailor comes running up the hill, screaming back at the Marine. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the Marine reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"

The enraged Sailor patrol leader sends his entire gaggle (30 plus men) charging after the Marine. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing, a lone, bloodied Sailor crawls over the top of the hill. The patrol leader yells up to his man, "What's going on up there?"

The wounded Sailor, with his last bit of breath, replies,

"Sir, it's a -- a trap, there's two of them!"

[thedrifter]

The following information is to provide guidance helping spouses prepare to welcome home their Marines from their overseas tour.

Unusual behavior may be as follows and should be dealt with in the gentlest manner possible:
* A thousand yard stare in a 10 foot room.
* Insisting on holding a family inspection on the street in front of the house every Friday morning.
* Walking around with a towel looking for a shower.
* Refusing to go to work without a morning formation.
* Be especially watchful around the time he takes a shower. He may go into shock in discovering that there really is HOT water.
* Be tolerant when it starts raining and he runs outside naked with a bar of soap. From the scarcity of clean water, he has learned that this is the best time to take a shower.
* Don't be alarmed if you wake up and find he has cleaned and mopped the bedroom before the sun rises.

Show no alarm and be tolerant if your Marine shows any of the behavior patterns listed:
* Throws rocks at the mailman if he doesn't get mail.
* Answers all questions with "Don't give me that".
* Ignore him if he presents a meal card and signs in for dinner. Also ignore him if he eats as if someone is going to steal his food.
* Be tolerant if he wakes you up at midnight for guard duty.
* Smile and turn the other cheek when he digs up your lawn and garden to lay communication wire for emergency typhoon conditions.
* Don't question him if he stares at the ceiling a lot. He is looking for the lizards that used to drop off on him while he was in Okinawa.
* Don't worry if he turns all the lights out at 10:00 PM and refuses to go to sleep unless all the televisions and stereos are playing full-blast.
* He also may refuse to go to sleep unless there are at least 20 people in the same room.
* Above all else, bestow affection in abundant quantities.

[thedrifter]

The Enlisted Soldier's Unofficial Guide to Officers
Officer Basics
1. Officers operate under the fundamental belief that they RUN things. They are the only ones who actually believe this blatant falsehood, but it is your duty as an enlisted service member to encourage this attitude, as it keeps them from messing around with truly IMPORTANT matters, like the actual mission itself.
2. Officers, like higher ranking enlisted personnel, constantly worry about career advancement, personal reputation, and furniture size. An officer with a small desk is like a 3 year old being denied a treat from Mommy.
3. The need to be loved by their enlisted soldiers runs strong in officers. This is due to the deep-rooted suspicion harbored by many officers that there exists a line of coolness, and that they are on the wrong side of it.
4. Officers, as a general rule, are good runners, particularly of long distances. If you must challenge an officer to some sort of PT contest, always choose a non-running event, because these other events are not as glamorous as running (which can be done in an attractive formation while passing by the post commander), and therefore will suffer from lack of practice.
5. Always pronounce ROTC in the following manner: /rot' see/ This will probably not advance your career any, but does have the benefit of annoying your platoon leader/commander to no end if he/she is a stickler for correct acronym pronunciation.
6. When it comes to one-upsmanship and war stories, even the scrubbiest butterbar LT will have more to say than a 20 year enlisted lifer. It doesn't matter if all that LT did in Panama was sit in an air-conditioned office for two years making Powerpoint slides that no one cared about--He/She will make it sound like they single-handedly rescued an entire battalion of lazy enlisted folks armed only with a paper clip and a bad case of malaria.

[thedrifter]

Military favored recreation.
Marines: Bowling
Navy: Football
Army: Baseball
Coast Guard: Tennis
Air Force: Golf
Notice the lower down you get, the smaller the balls are.


"Born in the woods, trained by a bear-
Double set of dog-teeth, triple coat of hair.
M - Mean as hell
A - All the time
R - Rough and tough
I - In the mud
N - Never quit
E - Every day
S - Semper Fi! "


"Sweat dries, blood clots, and bones heal, suck it up, be a Marine!"


1. "If a man does his best, what else is there?" --General George S. Patton
2. "No poor bas---d ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making other bas---ds die for their country." --General George S. Patton
3. "A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood." --General George S. Patton Jr

[thedrifter]

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new ***** for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[thedrifter]

Ken's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the ***** has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that ***** to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

[thedrifter]

Christmas String

One Christmas Eve, when all the presents had been wrapped, there were just three pieces of string left.

'You know, we'll probably just be thrown on the fire,' String No.1 said.
'Or in the bin!' String No 2 moaned.
'We can't have that!' String No 3 cried.
'So what can we do?' the other two pieces asked.
'Let's go out for a meal!' String No 3 suggested.
And off they went down to the 'Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, 'Right, lads, what'll we eat?'
'I'd like some tomato soup,' said String No 2.
'And how about stuffed turkey to follow...and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,' said String No 3.

String No 1 went to the counter and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!'

The waiter took one look at him and said, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'

String No 1 went back to the others. 'He refused to serve me!'
String No 2 asked, 'Did you say 'please'?'
'No' admitted String No 1.
'Then let me try!'
String No 2 went to the bar and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.'

But the waiter replied, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string.....and you're just a piece of string!'

String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. 'Here, lads, let me try,' String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.

He went up to the bar. 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!'

The waiter looked at him and sighed. 'Push off shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'

And string no 3 replied 'No. I'm a frayed knot!'

[thedrifter]

Ten Department Store Santa Peeves

Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
Two words: lap rash

[thedrifter]

Why the angel is on top of the tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

[mardet65]

Everyone knows about Pinochio; but has anyone ever heard of his younger brother Pistachio? When he lied his nuts grew!:D

[Sparrowhawk]

Subject: LA

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking,
biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered
nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime
rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and
it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and
it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank
God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's
ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a
living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

[thedrifter]

http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/pictures/newbike.jpg

[thedrifter]

http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/pictures/santa.jpg

[thedrifter]

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

[thedrifter]

Confusing Claus
The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[thedrifter]

'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
===============================

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys.
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin'.
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten.
I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun.
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care!

So I popped off a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

[thedrifter]

'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's ****ed

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was ****ed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady *****es
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little ****s.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of ****.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....

[thedrifter]

Military Christmas Orders


To All Retired Military Personnel
Subject Official Command Visit

This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa
Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will
govern activities of personnel during this visit

1. No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all
native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly
room.

2. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220
hours. Uniform for nap pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief,
general purpose.

3. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their
heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.

4. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care.
Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual
sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours,
22 December.

5. At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their
beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to
tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.

6. Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer,
rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current rooftop license.

7. Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without
chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during
ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.

8. All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and
to all a good night." This shout will be given upon termination of Gen.
Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section
chiefs.

-- (signed) Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, Commander

[thedrifter]

'Twas The Night Before Christmas for Military On Guam


Twas the night before Christmas from our boondock house.
You could not hear a gecko, a shrewd or a mouse.
The zories(flip flops) were hung on the louvers with care,
In hopes that Guamanian Nick soon would be there.

The children were nestled in their G.I. Beds,
While visions of base housing danced in their heads.
With Mom in her bermudas and I in my shorts,
Had just settled back for the typhoon reports.

When out on the reef there arose such a clatter,
That I climbed a palm tree to see what was the matter.
Away mom flew to the window just like a flash,
No shutter to open, and of course there's no sash.

But the moon on the crest of the white drifting sand,
Gave a luster of mid-day to this remote is--land.
A vision is approaching, Ah! I see it now.
Why it's a miniature cart and eight carabao.

With a little old rider so lively and quick,
That I knew in a glance it was Guamanian Nick.
More rapid than eagles his carabao came,
And he wistled and shouted and called them by name.

Now Guster, now Mufnas, now Jones and Guerraro,
On Perez, on Lujan, and Cruz and Parrero.
To the top of the cliff to the tip of the reef,
Old Nick drove his carabaos as the wind drives a leaf.

As dry coconuts that after a typhoon do fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So to the thatched roof, the carabaos flew.
With a cart full of toys and Nick's tuba(liquor) jug too.

When all of a sudden he really did goof,
That woozy old gent fell right through our roof.
But one blackened eye and a bump on the head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke in Chamorro and then went to work,
And filled all the zories then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod up the trellis he rose.

He was back in a flash all covered with dirt,
And the look on his face showed his feelings were hurt.
"Where in the world is your chimney?" he said to me.
I replied, "We have none, it is sure plain to see."

He staggered out the door which really was best,
But the Guamanian police put him under arrest.
But I heard him exclaim as they dragged him from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all - and to all a good night!"

[thedrifter]

Priceless
This afternoon I decided to go to a local restaurant in uniform because I had to hurry back to assume Staff Duty. Arrogant and selfish are the words that came to mind as I noticed a Black Mercedes taking up two parking spaces at Boston Market restaurant.

After entering the restaurant, I noticed a gentlemen kept focusing on me. As I paid for my meal the gentlemen began to approach me. It did not take long for me to recognize him as none other that former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe. He started a conversation with me asking the same questions you might expect from an curious, impressionable teenager; how long had I been in, my title, did I like the Marine Corps (you know the answer was a resounding yes). After shaking his hands and departing I could not help but feel that he was more impressed with me than I was with him. Upon passing by the Black Mercedes on my way out, I thought; "nice Mercedes"!

cost of chicken dinner with four sides: $9.20

cost of the Black Mercedes: more than $60,000.00

feeling of knowing not everyone can be a Marine: PRICELESS

[thedrifter]

Let There Be 2600 Marines!
In the beginning was the word. And the word was passed when the earth was without organization or field day. And upon the first day, God said, "Let there be light," and he called the light day and the darkness night, or mid. And God saw that they were good.

On the second day, God created the earth, the seas that cover the earth and the heavens over the earth. And God looked upon the earth and seas and heavens and saw that they were good. Except for some crummy spots in isolated areas of the earth. And God had an idea. God said, "Let there be little square buildings with no windows in those crummy spots and surround them with poles and wires." And God looked at his creation and saw it was about what he had expected.

On the third day, God created men and placed them on the surface of the earth and everywhere on the earth there lived man. Except for those crummy spots where men refused to live. And God said, "Let there be a special kind of men to live in those spots, and let them speak a strange language and tell no man what they do." And God created these men out of forged steel and said, "You shall be called 2600 Marines and you will think of yourselves as having special abilities and favors in my sight."

On the fourth day, God was awakened early by a great noise. And God saw that it was the Marines calling his name and crying that they had nothing to do. And God spoke to them and said, "Arise and go into the square building where I have set for you many wondrous devices covered with multitudes of knobs and switches. And you shall spend your days listening to the music of heaven." Saying this, God gave unto them the combination to the doors that they might safeguard it and live in peace until called upon to make war.

On the fifth day, God created the birds of the air, the beasts of the sea and every variety of plant and animal that liveth on the face of the earth. And God moved upon the earth and heard a great grumbling and complaining from the square buildings of the Marines. "We are too many," they said, "and cannot all fit into this place that you have made for us." God saw that they were indeed too many and divided them into three parts that one part may work during the day, another may work at night, and the third would rule over the other two. And then God saw that the sun had passed the Zenith and he had a second idea. God said, "Let there be training days." And a great lamentation arose from the Marines, for they had witnessed the death of their break days. Then God created the Training Chief, the ancient word for "maker of trouble".

On the sixth day, God was putting a few finishing touches on creation when once again His peace was interrupted by the loud complaining of the Marines. "Oh Lord," they said, "We keep the hours that you have set for us, but still find dissention and strife in our midst. We know not which one of us is to turn which knob or which of us should change the light bulbs." And God said unto them, "I will make of you a number of MOS's, and called their numbers 2621, 2629, 2649, 2674, and so on. Your numbers will prefix with 26, the number which standeth for those able men of rare intellect!" Thus did God create a hatred from other Marines for His SIGINT Marines.

On the seventh day, he rested and at the twelfth hour of the day, there again arose a great noise from the square building of the 2600's and God called his Angel "The Bringer of Light" to his side and spoke unto him. "I am in the midst of creating football games and wish not to be disturbed. Go thou and tend to those Marines and their problems. And Lucifer said, "Aye, aye sir" and departed from heaven to earth.

[thedrifter]

SGLI
The Gunny was assigned to the MCRD where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before the Captain noticed that the Gunny had a 100% record for the maximum insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to the Gunny's sales pitch. He explained the basics of SGLI to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[thedrifter]

A Conversation Between Marines
(This is a true story.)
LCpl "SSgt, is Top going to be at this meeting?"

SSgt "No - why?"

LCpl "Because the guy intimidates the hell out of me. He is leathered, his hair never grows, he smokes 10 packs of cigarettes a day and never coughs, he's never sick, and he knows everything. There is something not human about that."

[thedrifter]

At Home Submarine Simulation
Do it yourself guide to simulate submarine life at home.

Lock yourself in your house with 150 people you don't like.
Close all windows and doors tightly, close all curtains.
Seal any openings to the outside world with a proper vault.
Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from news, football games, Saturday Night Live, etc.
Monitor all operating home appliances hourly; if not in use, log as secure.
If using bathroom, do not flush toilet for first two days to simulate smell of blowing sanitaries and venting inboard; then flush daily.
Wear only approved FBM coveralls, or proper uniform, no hats, special t-shirts, etc.
Get the paperboy to cut your hair once a week.
Work in 18-hour intervals to insure your body really gets confused.
Listen to the same cassette over and over until you can't stand it anymore; then put in one you can't listen to without nausea setting in.
Set alarm to go off just as you fall asleep; set alarm at loud setting or buy a special alarm with various settings (i.e. "Man Battle Stations", "Fire", "Flooding in the Basement").
Prepare food with a blindfold on to simulate what real submarine cooks do.
Take blindfold off and try to get dog to eat it. Then break out a can of tuna and/or peanut butter.
Cut your bed in thirds and enclose all but one side using the dimensions of a small casket as a reference. When not in bed make up blankets properly so no one will see or care.
Periodically, for want of excitement, open main power breaker and run around yelling "Reactor Scram" until you are sweating profusely; then restore power.
Buy a snorkel and mask and again, periodically, just for want of excitement, put them on and pretend you are in a smoke filled room with no way out. For added variety, hook up to a garden hose and pressurize.
To enable yourself to handle anything, constantly study wiring diagrams and operating instructions for various home appliances (stove, refrigerator, can opener). For no reason at all, at specified intervals (monthly, weekly) tear one item apart, just in case it was going to break.
Paint everything around you grey (Navy FSN Grey, no substitutes).
To be sure you are living in a clean happy environment, every Friday set alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound; then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and greeny, clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless. Then make out discrepancy list.
Once a day, after normal programming hours, plug in t.v. and watch one movie. Be careful that it is (a) at least 5 years old, (b) you have seen it at least once before or (c) so bad that you have to install a seat belt in you chair to keep you there until it is over.
Since there is no doctor available, stockpile band-aids, asprin and actifed. These are proven cure-alls. Practice on your dog first aid, surgery, dentistry, death, etc.
Set all clocks to Zulu time.
Set hot water temperature to 120 degrees, set timer to go on and off every 2 hours.
Wear the same shoes. Wear the same outer garment for 1 week at a stretch.
Shower and change your skivies every 2 - 4 days.
Start poker games at midnight.
Refer to Kool-Aid as "bug" and meatballs as "Nairobi trail markers".
Hook-up a fluorescent light under your coffee table so that you'll have a place to read.
Run the lawnmower in your garage with the door closed to simulate snorkeling.
Blacken the windows of your car, then sit behind the steering wheel for six hours at a time.
Hang a red sign entitled "blowing sans" on the bathroom doorknob for 45 minutes every 12 hours. Do not allow anyone to use the bathroom during this time.
When commencing this test simulation, lock your family, friends and everything else that means anything to you outside. Tests will run for at least 2 months with no end in sight.
If you can do this, you can survive a submarine patrol.

[thedrifter]

"Legend has it that the United States Marine Corps was born on 10
November, 1775, at Tun Tavern, in Philidelphia, Pennsylvania. On that
day, the Continental Congress passed a resolution authorizing two
battalions of Continental Marines. The resolution was sponsored by John
Adams. Since 1921, the Corps has celebrated its birthday as 10 November.

Tun Tavern was a popular meeting place of 18th century Philadelphians.
The tavern was frequented by sailors and other seafaring men, so it was
a logical place to conduct the business of recruiting."

What follows was related to me by a Master Gunnery Sergeant:

When the Navy officers set up a table in the Tun Tavern and started
interviewing prospects, they were a bit relieved to finally find a young
man who fit their requirements. They had him sign the book, paid him his
dollar, and bought a round of rum to toast the enlistment. They were so
happy to finally get the whole process underway, they even had a second
round. They then send him off to a table in the corner to wait.

After a few more interviews, they found a second recruit, who soon
joined the first.

"This is great," the second recruit said. "They paid me right away, and
even bought me a tot of rum!"

"Hunh," sneered the first. "In the Old Corps they bought us two."

[thedrifter]

St. Peter was at the gate of Heaven and a guy walks up. "What were you on earth?" "I was a policeman with the Los Angeles Police Dept." was the answer. "What did you do on the force? "I was the Detective in charge of the narcotic squad for the ENTIRE LAPD. We kept drugs and drug dealers off the streets." "Excellent, enter Heaven." Here comes another guy. "What were you on earth?" "I was a policeman of the New York City Police Department." Question: "What did you do on the force?" "I was the Detective in charge of the Vice Squad for the ENTIRE NYPD. We kept prostitution off the streets and disease from spreading." "Excellent, enter Heaven." Here comes another guy. "What were you on earth?" "I was a Marine." "What did you do in the Corps?" "I was just a Marine MP." St. Peter answered, "FINALLY, someone I can trust. Watch the gate Marine, I REALLY got to go pee."

[ecomsg68]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

Then he held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then...." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

:banana: :bunny:

[Earle Comstock]

My buddy says to me , what are you doin friday night? I say , I dont know , why? He says lets go down to the funeral home and suck a couple cold ones!Hes sick I tell ya , My buddy that is! Semper Fi , Marines , Cpl C.Kill A Commie For Mommy :rambo: :marine:

[thedrifter]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some ******* out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. But, I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just *****s and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[thedrifter]

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[thedrifter]

Q: Why didn't Dolly Parton ever take up stage acting?
A: They all said she'd be a big bust on Broadway.

Q: What cereal does Linda Lovelace eat for breakfast?
A: Kellogg's Porn Flakes.

Q: Have you heard about the new John Wayne toilet paper?
A: It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take sh** off of anyone.

Q: What is the difference between a virgin and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't scream when you put meat in it.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[thedrifter]

Three third graders, a Catholic kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay," They all agree.

The Catholic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Catholic and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book. And, during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Christopher, and Tony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies, "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[thedrifter]

'Attitudes Of Members Of The Armed Forces'

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is ****." An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!" A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great ****." A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this ****!" An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says, "The cable's out? What kind of **** is this?"

[03Infantry]

A Senior Drill Instructor (Parris Island) wakes up all of his recruits one night at about 2:30, and to see how tough they are he has them assemble outside naked in the freezing cold. As he makes his rounds cussing and screaming he takes out a baton (like police ones) and hits a recruit in the hand. "Did that hurt?" He screams at the recruit. " No sir," yells the recruit. " And why not," asks the SDI. "Because I want to be a Marine sir and nothing will stop me." answers the recruit sir. The SDI walks around a little bit more and then hits another recruit in the leg. "Did that hurt?" He screams at the recruit. "Sir no sir," yells the recruit. " And why not," asks the SDI. "Because I want to be a Marine sir and nothing will stop me sir." answers the recruit. He moves on until he spots a recruit with a hard-on. He takes his baton and just smashes the hard-on. "Did that hurt recruit" He screams. "Sir No sir replies the relieved recruit. " And why not" Screams the SDI. "Sir, because it belonged to the recruit behind me sir" answers the recruit.

[thedrifter]

The Best Worst Country Western Songs


1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

2. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

5. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

8. Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life

9. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

10. If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

12. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

13. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.

14. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart.

15. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight Because I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

[thedrifter]

More Best Worst Country Western Songs


1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

2. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed

3. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye

4. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling

5. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

6. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal

7. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

10. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

11. Please Bypass this Heart?

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

13. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)

[thedrifter]

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend. The woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said, "What a beautiful baby boy, he looks just like his father."

"I know!" replied the woman. "I just wish he looked more like my husband."

[thedrifter]

Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"

Bystander: "It's a girl. She's my daughter."

Man: "Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father."

Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. "Aha," she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present!"

So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.

The silversmith took one look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done but so many times!"

[thedrifter]

New Years Resolutions you Can Keep

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

[JRtheSTAR]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mouers burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said: " I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.......I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctolgist fainted

[mardet65]

The Pastor of a local church went to visit and thank his church organist an older, unwed spinster woman who had recently done some volunteer work for the church. Upon being seated in the woman's parlor while she went to make tea the pastor noticed a beautiful antique organ in an adjacent room. As he admired the organ, the Pastor was surprised to find on top, an expensive crystal bowel filled with water in which floated a condom. When the woman returned with the tea he asked her to explain the significance of the rather strange object in the bowl. The woman said; "well Pastor, last month I was walking down main street and found this object laying on the ground wrapped in foil. Upon returning home, I read the instructions which said: For protection from disease place condom on organ and keep wet" and you know, I haven't been ill all winter"!


http://www.usmc0311.com/images/bin/sigs/gerald.gif

[thedrifter]

Stuff: A nebulous term that can refer to (1) a tangible thing, or to (2) a situation, condition, or process, as exemplified below:

A: This is rough stuff. Typical statement of an Air Force NCO while driving his air-conditioned sedan, from his air-conditioned office, to his air-conditioned quarters, in the rain.

B: This is really rough stuff. Typical statement of an Army Ranger, weapon at sling arms and carrying a 30 pound pack, after jumping from an aircraft and marching eight miles to his rally point, in the rain.

C: This is horrible stuff. Typical statement of a Navy SEAL, lying in the mud with his 40 pound pack, weapon in hand, after jumping from an aircraft, swimming a mile to shore, and crawling past enemy positions to his objective, in the rain.

D: I love this stuff. Typical statement of a camouflaged U.S. Marine Recon, up to his eyeballs in a vermin-infested swamp, with his 60 pound pack, a weapon in each hand; after jumping from an aircraft, swimming five miles to shore, killing several alligators while negotiating the swamp, assaulting the enemy camp and slaying all occupants; and after slithering back into the slime of the swamp with plans to kill all enemy soldiers who wander past his undetectable vantage point, in the rain.

[JRtheSTAR]

>
> > First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
> > class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
> > table with the body covered with a white sheet.
> >
> > The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
> > necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
> > you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For
> > example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
> > the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
> > "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
> > The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
> > eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
> > body and sucking on it.
> >
> > When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
> > "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> > finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!
> >
> >

[Art Petersn]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

[Rock]

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that
you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

[mardet65]

One afternoon, three up and coming female executives in a large national corporation were lounging nude in the company sauna.
They were talking and comparing their positions of responsibility and importance in the company hiarchy. Suddenly, a pager alarm began beeping. Woman #1, lifting her left breast and pushing on the skin beneath explained; my staff can't do without me, so I had this pager implanted and now they can reach me whenever they need to. A short while later, a telephone was heard to ring. Woman #2 opened the palm of her left hand, pressed her wrist and placing the open hand to her ear began conversing with her secretarry. After hanging up, she explained; my people can't get along without me so I had my cell phone implanted in my left hand. Now I'm never out of touch.
Woman #3 feeling a little technologically deficient, got up, excused herself and exited the sauna into the ladies restroom. A minute or two later Woman #3 returned to the sauna with five or six sheets of toiletpaper hanging from her butt cheeks. As the others gasped and stared at woman #3, she quickly explained; I'm never out of touch with my people either and; Oh I'm receiving a fax!

[Barrio_rat]

The key to bear hunting;

Alway hunt with a guy who runs slower than you.

[Art Petersn]

Three Old Men

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old
said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be
able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and
it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is
if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of
laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning
at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have
a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me
would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

[thedrifter]

Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"

Bystander: "It's a girl. She's my daughter."

Man: "Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father."

Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. "Aha," she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present!"

So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.

The silversmith took one look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done but so many times!"

[thedrifter]

Janie had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband, Bubba. She called the newspaper and asked, "How much does it cost to put an obituary in the paper?"

"The cost is $0.50 per word," said the newspaper editor.

Janie said, "Fine, please print: 'Bubba died'."

The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a seven word minimum charge. Janie thought for a moment, then said, "Okay, then, please print: 'Bubba died. 1995 pickup truck for sale'."


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Two boys were arguing on the sidewalk. The first boy said, "My dad is smarter than your dad."

"No he's not! My dad's stronger than your dad," exclaimed the second lad.

"No he's not! My mom's better than your mom!" responded the first boy.

To that, the second boy replied, "Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too."

[thedrifter]

Confucius Says:

"Virginity like bubble. One prick-all gone!"

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine."

[thedrifter]

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist.

"Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"


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"Adrijana," said the teacher, "can you give me a four-letter word that stands for intercourse and ends with a 'K'?

"Oh, sir, you are really too much!" interjected Adrijana. "I will have to report you to the principal."

The teacher was really surprised. He said, "What's so dirty about the word: 'TALK'?"

[thedrifter]

Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force "breast gravity." It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts.

"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. 'Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house."

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the "boobon."

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

[thedrifter]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, to get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating - You finish off as an orgasm.

Now, that's a life!